0:00

I said, do you care if we have dinner at your

0:02

parents this Friday ?

0:03

It's not that important to me.

0:04

Okay. And what about SAS ? Play date is

0:06

like Monday better.

0:07

It's so not important to me.

0:09

Okay. And should I get a baguette for

0:12

dinner tonight? What do you think? I can't

0:14

Decide. It's not that important. Important to , so

0:16

do you have , you know , that situation where your partner asks

0:19

you something and you're like , it's just not

0:21

that important to you, but

0:22

You don't

0:22

Admit it. Exactly. So today we're gonna finally

0:24

once and for all talk about the

0:27

eternal sentence. It is not that important

0:29

to me and why you should be using it more in your

0:31

relationships.

0:37

You are listening to the potential state podcast

0:41

With your host, Dr . Rael Romanelli

0:43

.

0:46

Hi, my name is Dr . Rael Romanelli.

0:48

Hi, I'm delete Romanelli

0:49

And we're the potential potential state . And

0:51

if they're gonna talk about, it's not that important

0:53

to me, the sentence that will set you free

0:56

. So we were all scared

0:58

of disappointing our partner. Mm . And

1:00

I don't want her to get angry and I don't wanna have a fight

1:02

Refer to the episode about disappointing.

1:04

Exactly. And, and the , so what we do

1:06

that we , so we smoke screen and we PL

1:09

Play , we don't speak clearly

1:11

or explicitly, we kind of tiptoe

1:14

around what we're trying to say rather

1:16

than just clearly saying,

1:18

And then we're gonna lose, lose, because if she wants me, let's

1:21

say for instance, if she really wants me to be involved with

1:23

sucks play dates. So either, either I do

1:25

it, even though I don't wanna do it, and then it it's halfassed

1:27

and then it's like, Ugh . Or I don't like ,

1:29

You're not really involved

1:30

Or I'm just avoiding it. And I'm like, yeah,

1:33

yeah , I'll do it soon.

1:34

Yeah , exactly . Yes , dear . While you're actually doing something

1:36

completely different

1:38

And that either avoiding or doing it begrudgingly

1:40

, um , leads to heaviness, lack of

1:42

Play resentment,

1:43

Resentment, and tension. So what's

1:45

the solution saying the following

1:47

sentence.

1:48

It's just not that important to me.

1:49

And why do we recommend doing it?

1:52

First of all, you own your. And you're saying

1:54

your thing , you're saying your truth. Mm-hmm <affirmative> , which is your integrity.

1:56

And you're speaking very clearly, very explicitly.

1:59

And also, I wanna say, because

2:02

in just a few minutes, I'll explain why I have a

2:05

little bit of a hard time with this, but

2:08

Caveat's

2:08

Okay . Caveat . But

2:10

, um, but I do wanna say that,

2:13

that it releases,

2:15

it releases the partner also from like

2:17

this kind of like trying to get you involved.

2:19

Like, do you , don't you like, it's very

2:21

clear. It's very clear where stands and that's

2:24

okay, that's fine. And I can move on and

2:26

he can reserve his energy, exactly

2:28

Safe energy .

2:29

And I can, you know, pour my energy into

2:31

the things that are important to me. And it's fine. We don't have

2:33

to have the same things. Be important

2:36

to

2:36

Us, which is exactly point of differentiation. I'm

2:38

basically saying that could be important for you, but it's not that

2:40

important for me. It helps us raise differentiation and

2:42

clarify where each one of us is standing. Yeah. It also

2:45

releases energy. So don't get this stuck into mind reading

2:47

or gaslighting. Right , right . Or

2:49

Smokes. What I also like about, it's just

2:51

not that important to me, which is something that the said has embraced

2:53

fully recently. So we've had a lot of time to kind

2:55

of play with it and extend our muscles.

2:58

Is that, is that in a way

3:00

it's a gift, right? Because if

3:02

our energy is finite and we only

3:04

have a certain amount of it, then isn't it great that we

3:07

each find different things that are important

3:09

to us and can bring that into the relationship.

3:11

Right. If you look at it as like, oh, we're

3:13

expanding our energy so that

3:15

we can cover more areas of

3:18

significance, importance, whatever, then

3:21

that brings a richness, right? Like if

3:24

we both care terribly about the

3:26

same things, then we're

3:28

very focused kind of in a narrow way almost.

3:30

But if we can expand,

3:32

We cover more bases , we

3:34

Cover more bases.

3:35

So , um , a quick example of

3:37

how that looks in the clinic and what

3:38

Does that, what look

3:39

Like? Yes . So I , I was once working with a couple

3:41

and she was very victim and she kept

3:43

saying, she kept feeling like she needs to

3:45

apologize to her husband and to her kids or

3:47

the house is not that clean, even though it was not that

3:49

important for her. So I finally said to

3:51

her, let's try right now. Can you just utter

3:54

the sentence? It's not that important to me. And

3:56

she tried to, and she was like, oh , oh , oh , she , it

3:58

was really hard for the say of the second. She said it, there was

4:00

a release of energy and she laughed and her husband

4:03

laughed. Yeah. Cause it's the truth.

4:04

Wow. I think that's a really important , um

4:07

, point, especially for, for women and

4:09

mom. Yes . Because I think so many times, like it's like the

4:11

household chores are on us and

4:14

sometimes there are other priorities

4:16

that we wanna get to, and it's not our number one priority

4:19

and, or we just don't care.

4:21

Like it's not, we're

4:23

okay with having a messy house. And I

4:25

think that there is something very empowering and

4:27

liberating just being like, it's not a priority

4:30

for me. It's not that important for me. And

4:32

if for one of the partners, you know, tidiness and

4:34

cleanliness is more important then like

4:36

they need to show up there and be more present.

4:39

And I think for us in that relationship for

4:41

oftentimes I've been acting it out, things that are not that

4:43

important to me or vice versa.

4:44

Right. Can you help me like Hoover ? You're like, I

4:46

have to go do something.

4:49

So like , whereas he can just be like, it's not that important to me.

4:51

Okay . Do you want me to do it? I'm happy to do it, but it's not

4:53

that important for me. So now I'm gonna give you

4:55

a few tips, how to do this, first of all.

4:57

Yeah. Because it's really hard. It's very hard to admit

4:59

that like , cause in a way you feel like you're

5:01

saying you are not that important

5:03

to me, but there's a very big difference. Let's

5:05

go there. There's a very big difference between

5:08

you are not that important to me. And that's

5:10

not that important to me. And I think

5:12

that for couples, it's very hard to

5:15

distinguish, right?

5:16

Yes. And when they hear one, they the other

5:18

Either you, so I'm just gonna tie

5:20

in love languages for just one minute. But

5:22

for as someone who their love languages,

5:24

acts of service. Oh , if I say

5:27

to, that's not important to me in

5:29

terms of like an act of service that

5:31

you would like me to do, would you feel like that's

5:34

me saying,

5:35

I think it would be disappointing in the sense, but I'd

5:37

rather you say it and own it than say, oh

5:39

it is, it is. It just didn't get to . And

5:41

Also, and also that makes me think

5:43

that then if I do do it, then

5:45

it's like, wow. She's like really? She's

5:49

she's watching the walk of like , she's filling my

5:51

Love tank. Yeah . I'm filling my love tank. You're going consciously

5:53

to fill my love tank. Mm .

5:55

So I took you off script.

5:57

So how do you, do you start small

5:59

first practice in front of the mirror, especially women

6:01

saying it's not that important to me. And

6:03

notice I'm saying it's not that important or I

6:05

didn't say it's not important at all. Right. It's not that important.

6:07

Which means it's not as important as is for you. And , and

6:10

that's fine ,

6:11

Right ? Not the , you,

6:13

It's not that important too . So let's all

6:15

say it together. It's not that

6:17

important , important to me , to me . Okay . Once you have that in

6:19

the muscle, when it does happen, when it does occur,

6:21

start with small things where you can say it a little bit playfully.

6:24

Right. You can exaggerate it. Right. Talk

6:26

about , um, uh , audio, playful,

6:28

audio track .

6:29

It's not that important to me or

6:30

It's not that important to me in

6:32

a second.

6:33

Yeah . But that's like dramatic. I feel like you're just like,

6:35

mm it's not that important to me. And you're also as like

6:37

empowering your partners. Like you can make the decision,

6:39

Right? Yes.

6:42

And <laugh> whether you could do it

6:45

smaller over the top, you're seeing your partner, this is

6:47

playful. I'm not here to attack you. I'm not saying it

6:49

should . It's I'm also not saying it shouldn't be important to

6:51

you. And you know what you're saying ? It's not important

6:53

to me. Do you know

6:54

What the benefit of saying, it's not that important to

6:56

you for both partners go on, is that then there's

6:58

no blame or guilt

7:00

or like, right. Like if you say it's not

7:02

that important to me and I make a decision

7:06

on something that is important to me, you

7:08

can't come back and be like, but why'd

7:10

you do that? How , why , how, cause

7:13

you removed

7:14

Yourself even for feminist episode today, gal

7:16

, it wasn't that important to you. Weren't really sure.

7:19

And you said to me again and again, make a decision. Right . Right.

7:22

And if you want , and then also agency

7:24

for listener . Yeah . It's not everyone

7:25

If you want it lead it.

7:27

And when you're , when your partner , um

7:29

, this is really important. Even if I say it's not

7:32

that important, I can still do it. The fact that I'm

7:34

saying it doesn't mean I'm exempt from doing it. It's important

7:36

to you. I'm happy to do it. It's not that important to me. Right.

7:38

Which is emotional love tank , emotional

7:40

base , refer to those episodes. And the last thing as the listener,

7:43

when your partner said that to you, don't get

7:45

insulted. Don't do the holy thing .

7:47

Read through it. See like where I'm

7:49

a big believer and where it lands in your body. But

7:52

you can also say, well, it's really important

7:54

to me that you help

7:57

me with this or that we do this together or

7:59

that I think it really provides

8:01

clarity on where I stand. Like sometimes.

8:03

Great. It's not that important to you . Sababa . It's

8:05

really important to me. So I'm gonna go ahead and do it. And sometimes

8:08

it is important that we meet there and that

8:10

we do it together. But at least then we can both get

8:12

clear exactly on where we stand and

8:14

how we're our intentions for

8:16

whatever this is .

8:17

And exactly. And that saves the smoke

8:19

stream and the gas line . It releases a lot of to

8:22

do . What's important for you. So in the beginning it might be

8:24

shocking or scary, but over time you'll feel

8:26

this freedom. Cuz love is freedom. So

8:29

Yes, freedom of being like being able

8:31

to be yourself

8:33

That is

8:33

Super and be authentic and expose,

8:35

you know, all

8:36

The sides and the second say your partner , it's not that important

8:39

for me is she laughs. So she gives me a hug. That's an

8:41

amazing experience. Beautiful, beautiful

8:43

for all of you. So is wish to sprawl with you. So is that important for you?

8:45

We don't know, but what's we do know is

8:48

you should go and try it out. This was

8:51

Elli and

8:51

This is Dr . AEL Romanelli . We're

8:53

The potential stay . We'll

8:54

See you time. You've been listening

8:57

to the potential state podcast For

9:00

more information, visit [email protected]

9:06

And thank you for listening.