0:20

Hi there and welcome

0:20

to the probate podcast.

0:23

I'm your host. My name is Sherri Lund. I'm so glad that you're here.

0:26

You know, I started this podcast

0:26

last year in hopes to educate

0:30

people and provide a community's

0:30

resource to cover a topic that's

0:34

just not talked about very much. Probate is massive and scary

0:36

and most people don't know

0:39

about until they drop into it. And then I had questions

0:41

come up about what to

0:44

do in the middle of it. Today's episode is going

0:45

to be different from our

0:48

conversations about probate

0:48

and end of life planning.

0:51

I'm, I have Beth Crocker

0:51

as my guest today.

0:54

Beth's mom has dementia

0:54

and she lives currently

0:58

in a memory care home. And today's message,

0:59

today's episode is a very

1:03

personal to Beth and I. And, We're gonna talk about

1:04

what it's like to be a daughter

1:07

with mom who lives thousands of

1:07

miles away and how her and her

1:12

family are juggling all of that.

1:14

You're going to want to

1:14

grab your pen and paper.

1:17

Beth, I imagine my listeners

1:17

have a journal that they

1:20

write their notes down into

1:20

so that they can come back

1:23

and, you know, refer back

1:23

to that some other time.

1:26

But before Beth and I

1:26

start talking, and before

1:29

I really introduce her

1:29

Beth and I've known each

1:31

other for over 50 years. Beth and I, we have talked

1:32

a lot, but regarding

1:34

this particular episode. Um, This is a sensitive topic,

1:36

and this is 1 family's way of

1:42

handling it and managing it. And this is best

1:44

perspective on that.

1:47

And I'm just very aware that

1:47

this is a sensitive topic

1:51

for Beth and her family. And for the people that

1:53

are listening from the

1:56

same perspective that Beth

1:56

might be sitting in today.

1:59

And so this is one family's

1:59

way of handling it and the

2:02

resources that they have and the

2:02

way that they found to manage

2:05

this situation may be different

2:05

from yours and your challenges

2:09

may be different from theirs. Beth and I are both

2:11

very aware of that. And we're extra cautious as we

2:13

go into this episode because

2:16

we are sensitive to all of that

2:16

as we have this conversation,

2:19

but that aside, I want to

2:19

introduce you to Beth, because

2:22

she's awesome and she's got

2:22

some great things to say.

2:25

And she's so generous in

2:25

spending her time today.

2:29

Beth. Beth is a mom. She's a retired theater

2:31

teacher, high school theater

2:34

teacher, and she says all the

2:34

things that come with that.

2:38

She's also an

2:38

excellent photographer.

2:40

She's a crafter. She's a quilter. She loves to bake.

2:43

She bakes amazing things, and

2:43

she does herbal studies, and she

2:47

currently has 11 rescued cats.

2:51

They're not all indoors, but 11

2:51

is still 11 Beth and her husband

2:56

were raised in Texas and they're

2:56

raising their son here as well.

3:00

The rest of her family, her

3:00

siblings and parents live about

3:04

2500 miles away and they're

3:04

trying to figure out how to

3:08

manage mom and dad's care.

3:10

Both of her parents are

3:10

still alive in their 90s,

3:13

and they're separated

3:13

physically and mentally

3:16

because of her mom's dementia. Yeah. Beth and her siblings have

3:18

found ways to work together

3:22

despite the distance and

3:22

they, they do a great job

3:25

of caring for their parents. So. You know, this is a funny

3:27

seat that we sit in, because

3:30

as we're aging, too, we

3:30

talk about these things,

3:33

but we're also like, okay,

3:33

what does this mean for us?

3:36

And so Beth and I have

3:36

also talked about that.

3:38

Beth, thank you again

3:38

for joining me today.

3:40

I'm so glad that you're here. Oh, gosh, thanks for asking me.

3:44

It's always self healing when

3:44

you can share your experience,

3:49

because even if majority of

3:49

people, it wouldn't apply

3:52

to there's going to be those

3:52

few, or in maybe in the

3:55

majority of people, everybody

3:55

can pick one or two little

3:58

things that, you know, might

3:58

ignite an inspiration in them.

4:02

And then that returns

4:02

into helping us know

4:04

we're on the right track. So I think this exchanging

4:05

is part of the whole

4:08

process for progress. I couldn't agree more.

4:11

And, you know, the other

4:11

thing I wanted to say was

4:14

that you know, we're like,

4:14

we're in uncharted territory.

4:18

Both of my parents are gone. So I've done that

4:19

part of my journey.

4:21

you guys are trying to figure it out. And some days you may think

4:23

we've got it, we're going good.

4:26

You know, we got it good. And then something else comes

4:27

along and so you're just

4:30

trying to figure it out. You've done, you know, so you're

4:31

a couple of years in with mom in

4:35

memory care and moving forward

4:35

with dad at home still trying

4:38

to figure those things out. Before we get into that, I want

4:40

to talk about you as a person.

4:43

Let's just set the foundation

4:43

of if you and I were hanging out

4:46

at the quilt show and you seemed

4:46

like a really nice person.

4:50

Who you, who are you? Tell me about you as a person.

4:53

What are you like? It's interesting because

4:54

when you talk about me as a

4:57

person, the average person,

4:57

that's just an individual

5:00

entity, but I'm one of two

5:00

because I'm an identical twin.

5:05

And so like my husband used

5:05

to comment when I would say

5:08

things, I'd say, we, I always

5:08

identified in the plural.

5:12

And he'd be like, Who's this we?

5:14

Who else is with you? It's habit.

5:16

Sorry. I'm 60 years old and I

5:17

still have this habit. I am enjoying retirement,

5:20

but staying busy and

5:24

my son's a senior. So that's, and he's active in

5:25

theater, which is what I taught.

5:28

So it's a lot of fun. And so I'm looking at two

5:29

different perspectives

5:32

at the same time. I'm looking at because I'm

5:33

a late life parent, my,

5:36

you know, as 60, I still

5:36

have a kid in high school.

5:38

All my, Friends or grandparents

5:38

already, but that does

5:42

segue into my parents, you

5:42

know, in their nineties.

5:46

Luckily still alive. Luckily all four siblings

5:48

are still alive to share

5:51

that job of role reversal.

5:55

And so I'm just navigating

5:55

the waters each day,

5:59

taking their lead because

5:59

I'm not present there.

6:01

And then living my

6:01

life at the same time.

6:03

I'm trying to balance it so that

6:03

part with my parents doesn't

6:08

block me experiencing these

6:08

precious years as a parent.

6:12

Yeah. Yeah. We grew up in North

6:15

Houston together.

6:17

Yes. And and I actually worked for

6:18

your mom for a little bit.

6:21

Your mom. I love your mama. then they moved to Washington

6:23

outside of Seattle.

6:27

Can you talk a little bit about

6:27

what that was like for you?

6:30

And what your expectations

6:30

were before they moved?

6:32

And then after they moved,

6:32

what was that transition like?

6:36

I had fair warning, I guess

6:36

you could say, because they

6:40

snowboarded 6 months there,

6:40

6 months here for quite

6:43

a while till her dementia

6:43

was just getting on and

6:46

her dementia was so slow. No one's heard of it ever

6:48

being as slow as it is.

6:50

The first sign I noticed

6:50

was like 15 years ago,

6:53

and she's still hanging

6:53

on and functioning.

6:57

Just can't remember. She lives on a fantasy land.

6:59

So the moves would trigger

6:59

onsets of behavior issues

7:06

They decided where are we

7:06

going to settle full time?

7:09

Texas or Washington and it was

7:09

a no brainer You have three

7:13

siblings up there and it's

7:13

just you down here and at the

7:17

time I was still working But I

7:17

knew I would be retiring soon.

7:21

Bottom line is my mom

7:21

really preferred Washington.

7:23

My dad prefers Texas though,

7:23

but my dad acquiesced

7:26

because she was the one

7:26

they needed to worry about.

7:29

So they settled up

7:29

there now, keep in mind.

7:32

We were all raised here and

7:32

tight family, but my parents

7:36

raised us to go find our lives

7:36

and not be bound to staying

7:40

at home, but I chose to stay

7:40

home in Texas where I, at that

7:44

time, when I was young, thought

7:44

my parents would always be,

7:47

I figured family gatherings

7:47

would always be in Texas.

7:50

When they made that final

7:50

move and spent, they sold

7:53

their Texas property. My Christmases and my birthday,

7:55

which is in the winter time.

7:58

All those winter events, my

7:58

son's school activities they

8:01

used to attend suddenly that

8:01

stopped and I did go through

8:06

really bad depression about

8:06

going from family gatherings

8:10

to my husband, my son and

8:10

me, really, depressing.

8:14

I chose to stay home

8:14

and the nest left.

8:16

So I'm like, where do I land?

8:22

But luckily I can I'm

8:22

a bird and I could fly,

8:26

I can land at the nest.

8:29

But yeah, that was a

8:29

traumatizing thing for me

8:33

because I never imagined

8:33

I'd be the not near home.

8:38

Yes. There's no, there's nothing

8:38

like that support at home

8:41

to make that easier for

8:41

you because it is hard.

8:44

Thinking about

8:44

Carol's memory lapse,

8:48

you said that it's been

8:48

like, 15 years coming.

8:52

It was slow at 1st,

8:52

and then it, it was

8:54

actually able to hide it

8:54

she has always been gifted

8:59

on a, I'm going to say

8:59

the word psychic level.

9:02

She's always been there. And there are some fun stories

9:04

that dad's only admitted

9:07

to us after she went into

9:07

her memory care facility.

9:09

It wasn't there to stop him

9:09

because she kept it to herself.

9:12

She didn't talk about it,

9:12

I think mind over matter.

9:15

She's always had this paranoia

9:15

in her and it may have

9:18

been her intuition knowing

9:18

this was going to be her

9:21

demise in the first place. There's no family history of it.

9:24

And she had one uncle, I

9:24

think, who had Alzheimer's

9:27

as opposed to dementia,

9:27

which is much more aggressive

9:29

and quicker and all that. She just went into this

9:31

paranoia mode in her young

9:34

adulthood and it grew and grew. I think ultimately it's

9:36

possible she manifested this

9:40

dementia, which would explain

9:40

why it came on so slowly.

9:43

So slowly, like

9:43

record breaking slow.

9:46

For 15 years, she could hide it.

9:48

She could lie about it. She could deny it.

9:51

As more obvious as it became,

9:51

the more fearful she got.

9:55

She started becoming

9:55

argumentative, more controlling.

9:58

She was already a controlling

9:58

woman, and she would get

10:02

very bossy and aggressive.

10:05

And that's the common signs

10:05

that you would see in both

10:09

dementia and Alzheimer's. But as we understand it,

10:11

dementia happens slower, but it

10:14

also includes hallucinations. Alzheimer's does not.

10:17

Dementia includes

10:17

extreme hallucinations.

10:21

And those were really bad,

10:21

especially in the middle of

10:24

the night for my dad to help

10:24

her deal with heartbreaking.

10:28

But in those early that first

10:28

decade, she could hide it.

10:32

She finally admitted to me in

10:32

her last year before we Put her

10:35

in the memory care facility in

10:35

a clear moment that she had.

10:39

She said, Beth, I do know

10:39

what's happening, but if I

10:42

admit it to anyone, y'all

10:42

are going to just put me in

10:45

a facility and abandon me. And her biggest fear from

10:46

day one was abandonment.

10:49

And I assured her otherwise

10:49

that would not be the case.

10:54

And she said, the problem

10:54

is in 15 minutes, I won't

10:56

remember that's not the case. She even knew that she

10:58

wouldn't remember it.

11:00

You know, she understood the

11:00

core of her disease was that

11:04

all the comfort we could give

11:04

her is irrelevant because

11:07

it'll be gone in 15 minutes. And I believed and I reassured

11:09

her that it's still in there

11:13

subconsciously somewhere. There's going to be

11:14

something that clicks and gives you comfort.

11:17

And we just kept feeding her. And sure enough, when we

11:19

decided it was time and we

11:22

put her in this facility, we

11:22

chose she actually regressed

11:26

into a healthier standard

11:26

of living because as she

11:29

told my brother on one clear

11:29

moment visit, I do know where

11:33

I am and I don't blame you.

11:35

And besides, I see you

11:35

more now than I did when

11:38

I was living at home. We had made the conscious

11:40

decision not to make

11:42

her feel abandoned to

11:42

make her feel reassured.

11:45

And my three siblings

11:45

living there were going

11:47

twice a week each. For that first six months,

11:49

that's six days out of seven.

11:51

She was getting a family visit. And that was way more

11:54

than she ever got at home.

11:56

And my dad said she might be

11:56

better off there because she's

12:00

a social butterfly and she

12:00

has no one here at the farm

12:03

to visit with or talk with. She just sits in

12:05

stairs out the window. She was declining

12:06

faster at home. Now that's not going to be

12:08

the case for most people. We found a good facility.

12:12

We have a lot of people to go visit her. But my answer to people who

12:15

are alone in this would be

12:20

build yourself a circle of

12:20

friends who know your parents

12:23

well, who are present, who

12:23

could help with visitation.

12:27

It doesn't have to be the

12:27

children because she doesn't

12:29

even remember who we are

12:29

most of the time anymore.

12:32

If anybody just comes and

12:32

singles her out and keeps

12:35

her company a while, she is

12:35

happy and it makes her day.

12:38

It pulls her out of those dark moments sometimes we find her in.

12:41

And it lifts her up, so it

12:41

really doesn't even have

12:44

to, I think, ideally, as we

12:44

grow and evolve as humanity

12:49

into longer living lives, we

12:49

need to be more aware of new

12:54

systems caring for our elderly.

12:57

One of those things would be,

12:57

Full on companies you can hire

13:01

like babysitters who would

13:01

go visit your family for you

13:05

because you're Alzheimer and

13:05

dementia people with no memory.

13:09

They don't know who you are They

13:09

don't know this is a stranger

13:12

and they will in time bond

13:12

with that person and even if in

13:15

their head They think they're

13:15

talking to their child or their

13:18

spouse or their sibling my mom

13:18

swears every day she's talking

13:22

on the phone to her mother

13:22

who died before I was born,

13:24

and given my mother's psychic

13:24

abilities, we joke and say she

13:27

may very well be talking to her

13:27

mother, we don't know, but yeah.

13:30

So when you guys made the

13:30

decision, okay, now it's

13:34

time you, you didn't actually

13:34

put her, you didn't find

13:38

a place immediately you,

13:38

you guys took your time.

13:41

But what was that like when your

13:41

family came to the decision,

13:48

so my dad was in denial himself

13:48

and he kept trying to go status

13:54

quo, the two of them living

13:54

together and she was dropping

13:56

weight like crazy and getting

13:56

more belligerent towards them.

13:59

Meanwhile, it was affecting his health. She flat out refused to

14:01

go see any doctors because

14:05

she was paranoid that they

14:05

would not diagnose her

14:08

and her fears would begin. So she refused to

14:10

go see any doctors. My dad would go to doctors for

14:12

his own care and he managed to

14:17

get her to go along with him

14:17

and his doctor would be in on

14:20

the game to where he's really

14:20

indiscreetly examining her

14:24

through questions and things. So he was able to give us a lot

14:26

more confirmation and solidify

14:30

what we knew was happening. At that point, my dad was

14:32

getting little mini strokes.

14:35

It was affecting him on a level

14:35

that it was going to kill him.

14:39

Her behavior towards him, her treatment of him was just killing him.

14:42

And the doctor finally told

14:42

my dad, you need to you

14:45

know deal with this or she

14:45

will be gone in two months.

14:49

She will not she will.. She's not eating She's starving

14:51

because you're not realizing

14:54

that she's not eating.. Dad thought she was eating when

14:55

she really wasn't So then he

14:58

got more on the ball and he

14:58

called us all together as a

15:01

family meeting without her And

15:01

he said I gave her my word.

15:05

I would never put her in a

15:05

facility and I cannot go back

15:09

on my word But I don't know what

15:09

to do and we just stepped up we

15:12

You can throw us under

15:12

the bus You can say we overruled

15:16

you because we're going to

15:16

overrule you when it's time.

15:19

You just tell us when it's

15:19

time, when you've had enough.

15:22

So during that next year,

15:22

my siblings up there,

15:27

specifically two of them

15:27

did all the research.

15:30

They walked through, they

15:30

interviewed, they checked

15:32

out all the facilities

15:32

within a reasonable distance.

15:35

looking at different facilities. They found one near one of

15:37

the siblings actually, like

15:40

10 minutes from her home. So it was functional.

15:43

It was 45 minutes from my dad

15:43

and my other two siblings.

15:46

And they were like, okay. We talked about it.

15:49

We looked at the pros and cons. We looked at cost.

15:52

We looked at insurance coverage and all that. And one brother manages

15:54

all their finances.

15:56

He's the numbers guy. And we settled on a

15:58

location, but we had to

16:00

be on a waiting list. So then they started notifying

16:01

us when availabilities would

16:04

come up and we'd get a window of

16:04

opportunity to make that move.

16:08

I think maybe we decided not

16:08

yet and passed on the first

16:13

window and then another opening

16:13

came up and we let dad know

16:16

and he thought about it and

16:16

he evaluated, you know, his

16:20

recent days with mom at home

16:20

and with him and his own health.

16:24

And he made that call and he

16:24

said, okay, you know, I'm ready.

16:28

And it was frightening. None of us knew at that

16:29

point, mom was a very

16:32

belligerent person and we

16:32

didn't know what to do.

16:36

And my dad, he couldn't

16:36

even be a part of it.

16:39

you know, because he

16:39

couldn't have her blaming

16:42

him or accusing him. And he was hell bent on

16:44

staying true to his word that

16:47

he would never abandon her

16:47

and he has not abandoned her.

16:49

So he went out for lunch

16:49

or something out to the

16:52

grocery shop or whatever. And then two of the siblings

16:53

came and got her and said,

16:57

we're taking you to lunch, mom. And they just flat out lied.

17:00

And they took her to this

17:00

facility and walked her in.

17:04

It was one sibling in the end

17:04

who ended up actually being

17:08

able to have the strength that

17:08

the rest of us probably didn't.

17:12

And she just, Took her in

17:12

and she and our other sister

17:16

had set up mom's room.

17:19

We were able to get her a private room, which is a big deal for my mom.

17:22

She's very English

17:22

and very modest.

17:25

And even in her dementia,

17:25

that's something that

17:28

will never leave her. She needed a private room and

17:29

we were blessed enough to be

17:31

able to handle that so they

17:31

decorated it I mean they shopped

17:35

at the Goodwills and you know,

17:35

they got a little rug, nice

17:38

furniture Decorated the walls.

17:41

They even put up a big

17:41

whiteboard erase board So

17:44

whenever we visited we could

17:44

write messages and when she's

17:46

feeling lost and alone She

17:46

could read them and know that we

17:49

visit her and it's right there

17:49

in her face and that's probably

17:52

been the single greatest thing

17:52

we've done to help her feel

17:56

home at home in her room. We gave a big story.

17:59

We told her this is. a facility that houses

18:01

rentals for people who

18:05

have guests all the time. And we said, you know, this

18:07

is Marie and Mark, one of

18:11

my sister and her husband, the one who lives there. This is their space.

18:15

And you're going to stay here while dad is out working on the oil rigs.

18:18

And when he gets back,

18:18

he'll pick you up and

18:21

y'all will go back home. So for the first two weeks,

18:22

they said, don't come visit her.

18:26

Let her get settled in. We were, half of us were like,

18:27

yeah, half of us thought that

18:31

was insanely inhumane and mean.

18:34

But it was their rule. We did it. We went and got to go

18:35

visit her after two weeks

18:38

and she seemed fine. She seemed like she

18:39

was making friends. She didn't feel like

18:42

any time had passed as

18:44

far as it seemed to me. And the reports I got, I may be

18:45

remembering in a Rose covered

18:49

glasses kind of way, but it

18:49

works and we started in with

18:54

the stories, but we had to

18:54

get the whole staff in on it.

18:57

We had to get all the staff in it. They couldn't say

18:59

things like you're in a memory care facility.

19:02

They had to say your

19:02

husband will be here after

19:05

he's done with his job

19:05

and everything was vague.

19:08

She bought it because

19:08

she liked her cozy room.

19:11

She liked having

19:11

people to talk to.

19:14

Half the days, she thought

19:14

she owned the place and

19:17

was checking and caring

19:17

for everyone all day long.

19:20

Half the days she thought

19:20

she was a guest and

19:23

it was a nice place. She thought she was in England.

19:25

Most of the time still does. Most of the time things she's in

19:27

England and waiting for dad to

19:30

come get her and take her home. And she's adjusting.

19:33

She went from having to walk on a walker. To not walking with any support,

19:36

walking freely, her swollen

19:40

knees stopped swelling up

19:40

because like my dad said, social

19:45

butterfly, she spent all day

19:45

walking those halls, checking on

19:48

people, just checking on people.

19:51

And that interaction gave her purpose. And I will say this.

19:56

Everybody else who was brought

19:56

there, they all say they, their

20:02

kids dump them and abandon

20:02

them, and they cry over it.

20:04

And who knows, maybe mom does

20:04

the same when we're not there.

20:07

Maybe all of them had

20:07

visitation regularly, they

20:10

just didn't remember it. But I'm thinking not, because

20:11

the guest book never had

20:15

that, those sign ins for

20:15

visitors like ours, like moms.

20:20

And you'd see them be

20:20

dropped off and then

20:22

just decline in months. And mom in two years

20:25

has stayed status quo.

20:28

She has not really declined

20:28

except in little details

20:32

that keep reminding us to be

20:32

prepared the day will come,

20:35

you know, but I really do

20:35

credit 99 percent of it with

20:41

my siblings regular visits. They have gone to

20:43

one day a week each.

20:46

So she gets three

20:46

visits a day a week.

20:48

And that's. And if they're on vacation,

20:50

then she'll go a week

20:54

without a visit sometimes. I've gone up after it's been

20:56

a week without a visit and

20:59

I've seen her looking like

20:59

all the other zombies there.

21:02

But as soon as. I'm there, she wakes up, and I

21:03

figured it's about four days.

21:09

before she gives up on

21:09

us and starts declining.

21:13

But now I don't even

21:13

think that happens.

21:15

I think she's just accepted her

21:15

role and that's where she is

21:20

and they can go on vacations

21:20

and not visit her for a week

21:23

or two and we find her.. What now we're monitoring

21:25

is the staff's job.

21:28

That's a big thing. If we don't go two or

21:29

three times a week, we're

21:33

going to find her Room in

21:33

a total mess with nasty

21:37

personal things around no

21:37

toilet paper type stuff.

21:41

We have to go maintain that

21:41

even though we pay a lot of

21:44

money for this facility to

21:44

do those things There's no

21:49

amount of gold in the world

21:49

that can help people that are

21:52

understaffed and overworked You

21:52

just got to step up and be there

21:56

or have someone that you can

21:56

hire to go in and check those

21:59

things And that makes all the

21:59

difference in the world their

22:01

comfort level You Like I said,

22:01

she doesn't know who we are.

22:05

I've buried two children and she'll show me their pictures and say, they died.

22:10

And I'm like, yeah, I know. They're my daughters. Oh, I thought they were

22:12

my daughter's daughters. I am your daughter, mom.

22:16

Oh, you know, but. It's okay, because

22:18

I appreciate that.

22:23

So, I feel like my mom.

22:27

She left a long time ago, but

22:27

there's a sweet lady there

22:32

that reminds me of my mom. Thank you, Beth.

22:36

Oh, you're welcome. I'm an Aquarius,

22:38

so I'm emotional. You just encapsulated the

22:41

whole thing right there.

22:44

And I'm grateful for that. I'm grateful that Carol has

22:45

y'all caring for her that way.

22:49

And, was everybody in

22:49

agreement that this was a

22:52

good thing to do with mom? Yes, not just for

22:53

mom, but for dad.

22:56

Because one thing here

22:56

is, financially speaking,

23:01

if anything happens to

23:01

dad, the funding is gone.

23:04

And so while we do have a

23:04

backup plan, it will definitely

23:10

significantly change her

23:10

lifestyle at that facility.

23:14

They grandfather,

23:14

grandfather claused her in.

23:17

So when her financial support

23:17

stops, she doesn't have

23:21

to leave, but they will be

23:21

giving her a shared room.

23:24

She won't have a private

23:24

room anymore and that'll

23:26

be significant to her. We don't know.

23:28

We were very afraid of her. We didn't think she would

23:30

last a year once we put her in

23:32

the place, and it's been two. Who knows?

23:34

Maybe when that happens and

23:34

she has to start sharing a

23:37

room, it'll be okay after all. You know, our fears will

23:39

be for naught, you know?

23:42

That's for another day. We just take things one day

23:43

at a time, and we prepare.

23:46

We prepare without really losing

23:46

our time now that we have.

23:52

We don't give too much time. We just know that we've

23:53

got a backup plan. Because we, dad is now saying,

23:55

I've come to the conclusion

24:03

that you all have to prepare

24:03

for her to outlive me.

24:06

So we need to have a plan. You know, and it's true.

24:09

And we just, Seeing her in

24:09

this facility has allowed

24:12

us to breathe a little and

24:12

think about the next step

24:16

Yep! So we could have a listener

24:18

right whose parent is in and

24:23

hopefully we do I expect us to.. Aging parent is needs to move to

24:26

an assisted care community and

24:31

they don't know where to start. . But what could you say in how

24:32

you have stayed connected with

24:38

your parents and your value of.

24:43

I don't want to put words in

24:43

your mouth, but the value that

24:45

you have with your family,

24:45

your parents and your siblings

24:50

and how you honor that within

24:50

yourself, you know, your

24:54

own value and how you're

24:54

choosing to carry that out.

24:58

It's a sacrifice. Even if you're, your husband

24:59

works for the airlines, you're

25:02

choosing to Go up there often

25:02

and visit and you know..

25:06

I go through it with my son.. He's a senior in high

25:08

school and I'm active.

25:10

And when I do this, when I

25:10

leave home, I'm leaving my

25:14

job as a mom and a wife with

25:14

their support, you know, but

25:19

being one who values

25:19

family and heritage.

25:23

It's important. Like I say, I'm

25:24

late life parent. My son is 17.

25:27

Um, I make him, he

25:27

doesn't get a choice.

25:31

We give my son a lot of freedoms

25:31

to decide what he wants and,

25:34

you know, in his routines,

25:34

but once a year he doesn't

25:36

get a choice, but luckily I

25:36

don't have to drag him kicking

25:40

and screaming up there. I pick, I let him pick

25:41

when we'll work best

25:44

with his schedule. And I even let him bring

25:45

friends this last time,

25:47

which was fun for him. But I get him up there

25:49

because he is our only child

25:54

in the sense of living child

25:54

and all of his cousins.

25:58

Are adults with their own children. He, that's how late life he is.

26:01

He really has no family. And even down here in Texas,

26:03

he's got a few cousins

26:07

that live out of town. He's got an uncle that

26:08

lives on our street. And that uncle is really like

26:10

the only family that he's really

26:13

got this interacting with him. So his family is

26:15

almost non existent.

26:18

It's his dad and his mom. That's it.

26:21

And then his uncle across the street. So it's important to

26:23

me that I maintain the

26:26

legacy of my parents. through him.

26:30

And I get him up there

26:30

and he loves his uncles

26:33

and aunts up there. You know, he's, he loves

26:34

cooking with Steve.

26:37

He loves going out on the

26:37

adventures with David.

26:40

He likes to go check out Marie's

26:40

latest cool artwork or whatever,

26:44

or, you know, and Anne, Auntie

26:44

Anne, you know, she's just a

26:48

bunch of wonderful flower and

26:48

joy that comes around and makes

26:52

him feel like, Oh, I've got

26:52

that cool aunt that, you know.

26:56

It's important that

26:56

he also witnessed us

27:00

caring for our parents. My parents have five kids

27:02

to divide this burden too.

27:06

My son's gonna have to carry

27:06

that whole burden on his

27:09

shoulders by himself and

27:09

he'll be significantly younger

27:13

when it happens because

27:13

we are older, you know.

27:17

We, as a human race are

27:17

not providing for our

27:21

elderly like we need to

27:21

be doing at this point.

27:24

There need to be systems in

27:24

place and I'm not saying the

27:27

government has to get involved. There can be private

27:28

entities that create just

27:31

like these facilities we're

27:31

putting our parents in.

27:34

Yeah. I think you're right. I think you're right on that.

27:36

You know, we've one of the

27:36

things I do now is help people

27:40

find places for their parents

27:40

to go, a senior placement agent.

27:44

And it is hard because they

27:44

want to find the best place.

27:47

The best place. You know, I don't know

27:48

that there is a best place.

27:52

I've thought about this a lot,

27:52

you know, because because mom or

27:55

dad's not in their best place. And physically, emotionally,

27:56

mentally, the best place

27:59

is the place that will

27:59

care for them and provide

28:02

the care that they need. So what would you say to the

28:03

adult daughter who has concerns?

28:09

Maybe some, maybe she's feeling guilty. Maybe she's not sure if this

28:11

is the right time or, you

28:14

know, maybe she is like. Your son is going to be maybe

28:15

she's the only one that has to

28:18

make this decision or somebody

28:18

has to make the decision.

28:21

Not all siblings are

28:21

in agreement, but it

28:27

seems more convenient when

28:27

you're the only one that has to

28:31

make decisions because you don't

28:31

have to consult with anyone.

28:34

But I would say that's not a good thing. You need other perspectives.

28:38

People think differently. I think anyone who's alone,

28:39

who has this burden on their

28:42

shoulders, number one, I

28:42

would say get two or three

28:47

good, trustworthy, lifelong

28:47

friends that are willing

28:50

to step up and help you. Listen to your decisions,

28:52

look at your finances.

28:57

Be there when you can't make,

28:57

you know, make recommendations

29:01

that you don't have to take.

29:03

But I think that you're

29:03

shortchanging your parents.

29:07

If you think you can

29:07

do this all by yourself

29:09

that's a really good suggestion. And also to remind you that

29:11

you're not feeling guilty.

29:14

You're not you're not doing the wrong thing. You're not doing the same thing.

29:18

Someone just to keep you going. Yeah, do you prepare yourself

29:20

mentally somehow for.

29:25

what you're going to possibly

29:25

see or are y'all communicating

29:30

enough during the visit so that

29:30

you know what, how do you handle

29:34

your own personal psyche before

29:34

you step into your mom's room?

29:39

I follow their lead and we

29:39

actually, modern technology

29:45

You know, people can say a lot

29:45

of negative things about it.

29:49

People are aging older,

29:49

especially, but the

29:52

benefit is these are two,

29:52

there are two things.

29:55

One is. For those people who don't have

29:56

my advantage of being able to

29:58

travel long distance to check on

29:58

their parents, they can do what

30:03

we are doing right now, video

30:03

chatting, they can do FaceTime.

30:07

They can do any one of

30:07

the multiple options for

30:11

video chatting, because you

30:11

can contact the facility

30:15

and the staff member. will get on and set it up

30:17

and go to your parent and

30:22

sit there with them while they're chatting with you. So you could actually call the

30:24

facility and say, do you have

30:27

an available staff member? So I can go say hi to my

30:29

mom and they will do that.

30:32

But the other thing is texting. As a family we have our

30:34

family thread and we have

30:38

our family thread and it's

30:38

all of us, including my dad.

30:42

And the oldest grandchild,

30:42

my oldest sister's daughter,

30:45

who happens to be a nurse,

30:45

because she helps out a lot

30:48

with the medical aspects. Her knowledge just gives us

30:50

advice and things, but she

30:53

doesn't necessarily get involved

30:53

in his daily medical routines

30:56

with my dad or my mom, but we

30:56

go to her with, when we have

30:59

questions and she looks into

30:59

it and helps us out that way.

31:02

So we actually even have a

31:02

granddaughter in the thread.

31:05

But every visit is followed

31:05

up with a mom report.

31:09

And that is to all of us and

31:09

it reports all the details.

31:14

And then if there's anything

31:14

we need to discuss, and mostly

31:18

it's like, Hey, she's been

31:18

out of toilet paper now,

31:20

both my last two visits. I took toilet paper up

31:22

there on my last visit.

31:24

I took three rolls. You know, we figure these things

31:25

out together in these dialogues.

31:28

And so we do that and we all

31:28

report, you know, I taught,

31:31

I talked to mom that I, we

31:31

sat with her granola bars

31:35

and sparkling water, you

31:35

know, and it really makes a

31:38

difference just knowing how

31:38

to go with food in hand, gifts

31:42

in hands, cause she won't know

31:42

who we are, but she'll know

31:44

we're coming with goodies. And that makes her happy.

31:47

Yeah. It's also so neat because your

31:48

family gets to participate

31:51

in those visits, even if

31:51

they're not actually there.

31:54

Yes. Yeah. And we talk about it.

31:57

We analyze what did we see today. Good day.

32:00

She was in a good mood. She had no problem

32:02

letting us leave. You know, other times she

32:04

kept trying to say she

32:07

needed to drive us home. I had to sneak out.

32:09

I had to get the staff to help distract her. You know, stuff like that.

32:13

We have learned the games and

32:13

we work with the staff directly

32:16

on helping them when we need

32:16

to um, them helping us with

32:19

our games when we need to. But yeah, For the most

32:21

part, we have no clue what's

32:24

happening when we're not there. Her blessing.

32:27

Is that she forgets she

32:27

had a bad day 15 minutes

32:29

after an argument with

32:29

someone at the facility.

32:32

She'll forget it. You know, we still Obsess

32:33

over our bad days months

32:37

later days later, whatever,

32:37

you know, we can't let go..

32:39

She can. It lets, let's go for her

32:40

So when we see her in such a

32:44

state that might make us upset,

32:44

we just remind ourselves,

32:48

it's like Houston weather. It's going to change in 10

32:49

minutes, you know, And we,

32:52

we go often enough to know

32:52

that she's not losing weight.

32:56

She doesn't have bed sores. You know, my twin sister Marie

32:58

she somehow is, it's ended up in

33:03

her lap to do all the laundry. They do laundry there.

33:06

But nothing ever comes back. Other people's things come back.

33:09

You can write your, her name

33:09

big in red, black, sharpie

33:13

inside everything, on the

33:13

bed sheets, on the little

33:17

picture frames sitting. My mother, she thinks the whole

33:19

place is hers, you know, we

33:22

will bring her picture frames. Of us and we'll go visit her the

33:24

next time and all her frames are

33:27

missing And then we'll notice

33:27

they're all up and down the

33:30

hallways on end tables and in

33:30

the lobby And she gets you know,

33:35

she's an interior decorator. That was her career So she's

33:36

always decorating the whole

33:38

facility with her personal

33:38

items And we know this.

33:42

So we give her things we don't

33:42

care if they're they get lost.

33:45

We go to goodwill and get

33:45

her clothes We bring her new

33:48

slippers all the time because

33:48

we'll go visit her and she'll

33:51

have one slipper on and some

33:51

You Some guy's gigantic huge

33:54

slipper on the other foot,

33:54

you know, it's just crazy

33:57

and you can't control that. You just got to go with the flow

33:59

and just keep her comfortable.

34:03

So we do that. And that's what

34:04

makes the difference. If she were uncomfortable,

34:06

if she were hurting, that

34:10

would be a bad thing. But the staff, some

34:11

of them are nice.

34:15

Some of them are rude. Some of them just don't care.

34:17

They're burnt out. The nice people do their best.

34:21

They're usually the new

34:21

ones, the new hires, they get

34:23

burned out pretty quickly. And you just got to learn

34:26

not to go Karen on them.

34:29

You just got to learn to

34:29

save your Karen moments for

34:32

when it's really important. You know, we've asked for

34:33

this three or four times and

34:36

no one's done it, you know,

34:36

and go to the supervisors and

34:40

then it gets taken care of. But if you don't visit,

34:41

you can't do that.

34:45

And if you can't visit. You try and find someone

34:46

who can, because it

34:49

makes it all better. It makes it doable and it

34:51

allows you to live your life

34:54

and still make sure that your

34:54

parent is getting the best

34:58

care that they can, you know? in the last few minutes here

35:01

that we have, is there anything

35:05

for the adult daughter that

35:05

you would want to say from

35:09

your heart to hers if she's

35:09

wondering what to do, how to

35:13

do, when to do all the things.

35:16

I would say the most important

35:16

things are number one.

35:21

You cannot do it alone. You must have a support system.

35:25

However, you manage that. If you hire people, if you

35:26

utilize your friendships.

35:31

But you must have a support system. You cannot do it alone.

35:34

It will cheat you of

35:34

your life and your

35:36

parents don't want that. Your parents want you to enjoy

35:37

your life and have a good life.

35:40

They don't want to be that burden. So don't try to be strong.

35:46

Ask for help or find it.

35:50

The other thing is

35:50

understand the finances.

35:54

I'm not going to lie. I have no clue about the

35:56

finances with my parents,

36:00

but that's because I have

36:00

a brother who does and

36:02

manages it and we trust him. Now, if something happened

36:04

to him, Lord help us all.

36:07

And I have a, one of my

36:07

sisters is always wanting

36:09

to keep up with that. She's can you tell us, can you

36:10

explain what you're managing?

36:13

Because we need to know in case. You know, for some

36:14

reason you can't do it. And that's true.

36:17

That's good. I'd say, always have a backup

36:18

on anything, but don't try

36:21

to do it yourself ever. The whole thing,

36:23

the whole journey.

36:26

Is not a journey for one

36:26

and understand the finances

36:31

because you can so easily get

36:31

screwed over and nobody even

36:35

knows doing it intentionally. Sometimes you just don't realize

36:36

there's better options, you

36:39

know, and if you understand

36:39

your options, we are always

36:43

reevaluating our options

36:43

in mom's care to decide if

36:47

we need to start looking at

36:47

another facility if we're

36:50

not happy with this one Or if

36:50

she changes or what, you know

36:54

pros and cons I think it's

36:54

imperative that you understand

36:58

the finances even if you

36:58

don't have very many finances.

37:02

Well, Beth, this has been this has

37:02

been easier than I thought I

37:05

was nervous about this episode

37:05

because, you know, I love

37:09

you guys and I love Carol and

37:09

I wanted to do y'all well,

37:13

But I also appreciate your

37:13

unique perspective and your

37:18

willingness to share what you've

37:18

learned in this process with

37:21

other people who are steps

37:21

behind you and just getting

37:25

started on their own journey. And so I appreciate you taking

37:26

the time and your willingness

37:31

to pull the curtain back a little bit and let us peek into what that might

37:32

be like for you and other.

37:36

I absolutely appreciate what you

37:36

are doing because like I said,

37:41

we have to start stepping up

37:41

and doing this as a humanity,

37:45

as a human race, as we start

37:45

to live longer, we have to

37:49

educate each other on what

37:49

we're facing and how to handle

37:54

it so that we're prepared. And, you know, businesses

37:56

like yours, people,

38:00

outreach systems like yours. They're rare, hard to find.

38:05

It's gotta be so difficult for

38:05

you to get this going because

38:09

we still live in a world

38:09

that doesn't see its value.

38:11

And in no time at all,

38:11

within this generation

38:16

we're raising right now,

38:16

it's going to be essential.

38:19

Yeah, I had so many people

38:19

say why didn't anybody

38:22

tell me about this? Or why doesn't anybody

38:23

talk about this?

38:26

And the that's when the

38:26

educator in me said, we've

38:28

got to, we've got to start

38:28

doing something to get some

38:31

relevant content out there. Yeah, because little tiny

38:33

things like you may pick

38:36

a facility that's perfect. And over time that facility

38:38

will change managers.

38:42

Change owners, even change

38:42

staff, and you're in a whole new

38:46

place without your mom or dad,

38:46

even moving or leaving there,

38:49

you know, and you're like,

38:49

wait, all new rules, you got

38:51

to start over all over again. And just knowing just being

38:52

educated, just being prepared.

38:59

It makes all the difference in the world. So those little throat

39:00

surprises, and, you know,

39:04

things like throws at you

39:04

in the middle of it all.

39:06

Don't throw you off guard that you're prepared. So you can be empowered to

39:09

make some good decisions and

39:12

have the confidence to do that. Yeah.

39:16

You've inspired me so much. You, Nick and I are like, you

39:17

know, he's I'm 60, he's 65.

39:22

And we're like, dang, we got

39:22

to get our stuff together.

39:27

We're not as prepared

39:27

as we should be.

39:29

You know, we got, why are we not? Using all of this knowledge

39:31

that's coming at us and

39:34

actually acting on it. Why are we still sitting

39:35

back and living our

39:37

lives in our routines? You have to say,

39:39

Today's the day.

39:43

I'm going to step outside

39:43

of my comfort zone and

39:45

go take care of this. I'm going to go

39:47

get that will done. I'm going to go make sure

39:49

that I have a place in mind.

39:52

These Are things people

39:52

don't think about.

39:55

And even when they're

39:55

told to a million times,

39:58

we tend to put it off. Cause who wants

39:59

to deal with that.

40:01

It's a necessity. And you have like literally

40:02

lit that fire under me

40:07

and we're doing this. We got to get this done

40:08

because again, I don't want

40:11

this all to be on my son. Yeah, my goal is to inspire 50

40:14

people this year to, to have a

40:19

will or a trust or something. And so when you get that figured

40:20

out, let me know, add your

40:24

name to the list cause it's

40:24

fun to see that list growing.

40:29

Okay, so we're going to wrap this up. Thank you so much

40:31

for joining me back.

40:33

Thank you for joining me. Listeners Beth and I both want

40:34

you to know that you're not

40:37

in this alone, that if you

40:37

don't have a team of people

40:41

around you already to help

40:41

you, please go out and find 1.

40:45

that's what this

40:45

podcast is about.

40:47

I have resources that I'm

40:47

happy to share with you.

40:50

That list is growing

40:50

all the time.

40:53

But please don't try to figure it out. It's too much to figure

40:54

out all on your own.

40:57

And there's a lot at stake. There's your health,

40:58

there's your parents health

41:00

or your spouse's health. Yeah, please don't be alone.

41:03

That's a sad, depressing place to be. Anyway, thanks for joining us.

41:08

We hope that you'll come back next time. Please subscribe to the episodes

41:09

to the YouTube channel so that

41:13

you can catch the next episode. We come out on Thursdays at 3 p.

41:17

m. Central Time. So I hope to see you again.

41:19

Take good care. Thank you.