0:21

Hi there. Welcome to the probate podcast.

0:24

My name is Sherri Lund and

0:24

I'm so glad you're here.

0:27

My guest is Melanie hands. She's a registered nurse and

0:29

she's been on a caregiver journey.

0:32

So today we're going to talk about

0:32

how that has played out in her life.

0:35

And if you're currently a caregiver if

0:35

you're in the throes of it, and you're

0:39

wondering, is there anybody else? Am I the only one?

0:42

I want you to know that you're not. And I want you to know,

0:44

We are here for you.

0:46

We know others who are here for you. And that's why this podcast is really here

0:48

for obviously people that are in probate.

0:52

But it's beyond that now. We also talk about seniors in transition.

0:56

We talk about senior living. We talk about Medicare,

0:58

all sorts of things. So, I'm glad that you're here.

1:01

You're going to want to have a pen

1:01

and paper because we're going to talk

1:04

about some things that are important,

1:04

especially if you are a caregiver,

1:07

you're going to want to take some notes. Thank you. about some things that Melanie has to say.

1:11

And This podcast is sponsored by Willow

1:11

Wood Solutions in the Houston, Texas area.

1:17

Willow Wood Solutions is here

1:17

to help families in transition

1:20

and through the probate process. We're gonna have a

1:22

two-part series actually,

1:24

Because of Melanie's experience as a

1:24

caregiver and as a registered nurse

1:28

and helping people through probate. So Melanie is qualified as a

1:30

professional, and you need to know that.

1:34

We're also gonna talk about how

1:34

she's prepared to help families

1:37

through the caregiving process

1:37

because of her experiences there.

1:41

She's originally from Detroit. She's a registered nurse and a

1:43

realtor, a real estate investor, a

1:46

senior real estate specialist and

1:46

a certified probate specialist.

1:50

That's where she and I met. She was a registered nurse

1:51

for over 30 years, and she

1:54

worked in the cardiac and OR departments as a nurse, and she

1:56

was a clinical nurse consultant.

2:00

Melanie went into pharmaceutical sales

2:00

after that, and these roles prepared

2:04

her to handle tough situations.

2:06

She moved to Florida in 2017

2:06

to care for her aging parents.

2:11

she has experience and understands

2:11

the stresses of being a caregiver

2:15

and someone who's lost a loved one. As a daughter who recently lost both of

2:17

her parents and a brother, she knows the

2:22

pain and confusion and the chaos that

2:22

often ensues after such a profound loss.

2:28

She's the founder of the Probate

2:28

Nurse, and she's, that's an all

2:32

inclusive probate, estate, and

2:32

senior transition concierge service.

2:37

That's a mouthful. Her company assists families

2:38

that are navigating the complex

2:42

senior care community in Florida.

2:45

She created this business to provide

2:45

a continuum of care to families

2:49

who need empathy, knowledge, and

2:49

guidance as they take their first

2:53

steps into closing an estate. Melanie says as an RN, Certified Probate

2:55

Expert, and Senior Real Estate Specialist,

3:01

my passion remains the same in life and

3:01

in death, providing a continuum of care

3:06

for assistance for families in need

3:06

when they're most vulnerable, needing

3:11

guidance in transition after loss.

3:14

As I mentioned, she created the probate

3:14

nurse that's part of a national network

3:19

that provides the necessary referral

3:19

partners to assist with closing an estate.

3:24

Team members posess a passion

3:24

for assisting families in need.

3:28

There are over 1, 200 of us, and I am

3:28

one of these, who can assist our clients.

3:34

So if we have someone, she's in Florida,

3:34

I'm in Texas, but if we're aware of a

3:38

need of someone in Arizona or California,

3:38

we are in a network with people

3:42

that can help people there as well. Melanie, I am so glad that you're here.

3:47

You're going to hear me say that a lot. You've already heard me say that But

3:48

prior to this conversation, but, but,

3:52

yeah, you have been through a lot

3:52

and you have the heart to help people

3:56

like your experiences and your pain

3:56

are gonna be turned into good because

4:02

of what you were doing with that to

4:02

help others in that similar situation.

4:07

There's nothing like a person who

4:07

has been climbing and going through

4:11

a tough time who turns around and

4:11

lends a hand to those behind them.

4:14

And I just, I am inspired by that.

4:17

I'm motivated by that. It really touches me and I know that

4:19

the people that you work with, and

4:22

we'll be working with will benefit

4:22

because of what you have been through

4:26

and what you have to offer them. I appreciate what you do.

4:30

Before we get into all of that let's

4:30

talk about who you are as a person.

4:34

If you and I were hanging out,

4:34

let's pick a beach in Florida.

4:37

Those are so much nicer

4:37

than the beaches for Texas.

4:40

Yeah, we were just strolling along and I

4:40

said, Melanie, who are you as a person?

4:44

What would you say? First of all, thank you so very much

4:45

for allowing me to be here today.

4:48

It's an honor and it's really

4:48

great to sit and speak with someone

4:51

who does the same type of work. So thank you, Sherri, what a great

4:53

opportunity and I really appreciate it.

4:56

I'm Coming from Tampa I'm in the

4:56

Tampa area and I love it here.

5:01

I decided to remain here after I

5:01

lost my family members because I

5:06

built a community here and I love it. So getting to know me is.

5:09

It's pretty simple. I'm very open minded, very creative, love

5:09

to go down to the beaches, take a walk.

5:15

We have our favorite watering

5:15

holes we love to attend.

5:18

But I'm really into live music, love

5:18

to see bands and dance and have a

5:22

great time, but I also love to cook.

5:25

And I'm really about making

5:25

incredible food that's very ethnic

5:28

from different places of the world. And I love to cook and used

5:30

to cook a lot for my dad.

5:34

And we used to do Wednesdays with

5:34

dad dinners and things like that.

5:37

It's always special to be in the kitchen. And I love it, but Tampa is so

5:40

full of so many wonderful things.

5:43

And we're getting out and exploring

5:43

now that we have time to do that.

5:47

So photography, dancing and music. Really.

5:50

How fun. Yeah, it sounds such a fun and lively

5:51

thing to do really life giving, right?

5:57

That's neat. I love it. It brings you back to life.

6:00

That's right. It does. That's right.

6:02

Yeah. And after you've been a caregiver

6:03

for a while, you have to start to

6:06

think about what do I enjoy and. What do I want to spend my time on?

6:10

So before we get into all of that can

6:10

you tell us about what you did as a

6:14

nurse and what your responsibilities

6:14

were and just how that lays the

6:18

foundation for our conversation? Sure.

6:21

Yeah, this has been quite the journey. So,

6:24

I've been a nurse for 30 years. And I started it in the Detroit area

6:25

at the Detroit Medical Center and

6:29

I always knew that I was going to

6:29

work in the operating room and I had

6:32

goals of doing open heart surgery and

6:32

neurosurgery and that was the goal.

6:37

So that's what I did. So I got my degree and I went

6:38

downtown and I chose Harper.

6:41

And Harbor Hospital in the Detroit

6:41

Medical Center because it was

6:44

attached to Wayne State University. And so we had physicians from all

6:46

over the world and we're so far,

6:50

advanced compared to community

6:50

hospitals and things like that.

6:53

So I just really fell in love

6:53

with the idea of being downtown

6:56

and doing large laborious cases

6:56

of vascular and open heart.

7:00

And what an education. What an absolute education.

7:03

So being organized, having lists of

7:03

things to do was probably just the first

7:09

part of laying the foundation for what

7:09

I'm doing now, but it sure gave me the

7:12

ability to be compassionate, empathetic

7:12

care for patients and really look at

7:17

the, my patient or my client as a whole.

7:21

As a whole human being, not just, Hey,

7:21

here's your medication or Hey, Bob, you

7:24

have some diagnostic tests and exams we

7:24

have to get you ready for, but really,

7:28

listen to people and learning what

7:28

makes them tick and you learn so much

7:31

more about people and their illnesses

7:31

when you just take a couple of minutes.

7:35

So for me, it was always about really

7:35

learning a lot about my clients.

7:39

And that has definitely laid a

7:39

great foundation for what we're

7:42

doing today in the care that we

7:42

provide as well as our real estate.

7:46

So you did that for a long time. And then yeah, so then what

7:48

prompted talk a little bit about

7:51

what prompted your move to Tampa? Yeah

7:54

so, I did nursing for quite a while and then

7:55

I did real estate about maybe 5 years

8:00

after I got out of, pharmaceutical sales.

8:02

So it was kind of a neat progression,

8:02

nursing to pharmaceutical

8:05

sales to doing real estate. And then what prompted me to come here

8:07

was the fact that I had a mom who had

8:11

dementia and she was like stage one, two. So she was doing really well.

8:15

And they left in the early two thousands

8:15

after they turned 65 and retired.

8:19

We spent many, many vacations here

8:19

with them and it just got to be toward

8:23

that, 15 year mark that we noticed that

8:23

mom was really having some difficulty

8:29

with her memory, it just got really bad

8:29

and my father just really needed help.

8:33

So I went back and forth for a

8:33

couple of years until it just got

8:36

to the point where I knew I needed. to be here.

8:38

And that really prompted my move here. And my brother was already

8:40

here, my younger brother. I did, I moved down and I moved in with

8:42

my brother and we would, just go up

8:46

and take care of our parents as much

8:46

as we could until it got to the point

8:50

where we had to all move in together. So

8:53

you you had already given up

8:53

your career at that point then

8:57

um, before you moved to Tampa. I did.

9:00

So at that point, rehabbing

9:00

homes, I was a landlord, so I

9:03

basically sold my rental homes. I literally was doing a rehab

9:05

and flip literally out the door.

9:09

My, my bags were packed, everything

9:09

was ready to go and I had to go finish

9:12

that one last home and get that closed

9:12

before I left and I came down with...

9:18

you know, I didn't have any job lined up. I just knew that, my goal was to just

9:19

take care of my parents and my mom.

9:23

No further notice and, and live

9:23

off that money and figure out

9:27

a game plan, once I got here.

9:30

So that's how I ended up here.

9:32

And then my older brother followed,

9:32

my older brother did follow with

9:35

his son about six months later. And that was in, I came

9:37

down in July of 17.

9:39

So you gave up your lifestyle. You gave up everything that was

9:41

familiar to you to come down and

9:45

to take care of your parents. That's a big. That was a big move.

9:48

talk a little bit about what

9:48

it was like to be a caregiver.

9:52

And I would do it a thousand times over. I would be able to come back down.

9:55

Caregiving isn't just

9:55

emotional, it's physical.

9:59

And it can be exhausting, but I

9:59

think With my mom being the way she

10:03

was, she needed light care at first.

10:06

And as obviously as they progress, it

10:06

becomes more but taking my role back

10:11

from being, an independent business

10:11

owner, a landlord and someone who was

10:15

out rehabbing and flipping homes, it

10:15

was quite the change and it does become

10:19

isolating just so that everyone's aware

10:19

of that, and here I am in a new town

10:24

and, you know, I hadn't really gone

10:24

out and seen a huge amount of things.

10:27

I've done just a little bit, but

10:27

here I am, doing nursing care and

10:30

caretaking for my mom and it was tough.

10:32

I didn't really know that there

10:32

was resources available because

10:36

I just just lived out my role

10:36

of doing what I needed to do.

10:40

Right. And I had other business going on that

10:40

was, an offshoot of something else.

10:44

So it was really busy and I just

10:44

really didn't consider that there

10:47

was a lot of help available. So caretaking is hard, it's spiritual,

10:48

it's emotional, it's physical.

10:52

And one of the things that people don't

10:52

really do when they are caretaking

10:56

is they don't do self care and self

10:56

love and they don't practice that.

10:59

And being the nurse that I am. I did the same thing and I didn't take

11:02

care of myself the way I should have.

11:05

So caretaking is it's very tough. You do need respite care and help.

11:10

You need neighbors to help, church

11:10

members hospices, whatever it is your

11:14

family is journeying through, there

11:14

are resources available for you.

11:18

And I wish I had known. I really wish I had known that.

11:21

I burned myself out and I won't lie.

11:23

It was very tough. Very tough.

11:25

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

11:27

And so you mentioned the resources. I remember when I you find yourself

11:29

in this because I both of my parents,

11:35

I don't remember if I told you this

11:35

or not, but both of my, I think I did

11:38

both of my parents passed away when I

11:38

was 20 and 31 and and we used hospice

11:44

and my siblings and I took turns taking

11:44

care of helping them, in that process.

11:50

But but you just get neck deep in

11:50

something and it's like we step

11:53

into a room of let's call it the

11:53

caregiver room where before our life

11:58

took place in these other rooms. Maybe we were a mom or maybe we

12:00

were business owners or maybe

12:03

we were nurses or whatever. Like we were busy in our other rooms

12:05

and all of a sudden this caregiver door

12:09

opens up and we step into there and we're

12:09

like, wait a minute, this is unfamiliar.

12:13

What do I do? What skills do I need in this room?

12:17

What resources do I have? And if you're drowning, you may not

12:18

realize that there are resources there.

12:23

So that's 1 of the things

12:23

that I, I love about hospice.

12:27

And I know we're going to talk

12:27

about hospice in a bit, but when we

12:31

utilize the hospice, I felt like,

12:31

okay, these, this is a resource.

12:35

I didn't call it that. I called it a lifeline

12:36

because I felt like.

12:39

They know what they're talking about. This is not unfamiliar to them.

12:42

And so I could relax

12:42

a little bit thinking.

12:45

They know that the transition that we're

12:45

going through, they've been here before.

12:50

It's my 1st time, but not theirs. And so that's 1 of the reasons I'm

12:52

really passionate about doing what I'm

12:55

doing similar to what you're doing in

12:55

Florida is because I know what it feels

12:59

like to feel like you're underwater and

12:59

you don't even know how to put 1 foot.

13:05

Like, where is it safe to put the next

13:05

foot to go forward, you're exhausted.

13:10

And running out of your own strength. So you can get burnt out.

13:14

You can, you know, and my father

13:14

was really stressed out as well.

13:17

He was watching his wife decline and,

13:17

you could see him, the emotional aspect

13:21

of it and what a toll it was taking

13:21

for him taking that on and really...

13:25

there's so much more to it cause

13:25

it's not just you and it's not

13:28

just the client or your parent. It is, everyone else who's

13:30

involved in the home as well.

13:34

So it's really tough. Caretaking is tough and I give my...

13:37

you know, hats off to anyone who does

13:37

that at home and does it without help.

13:41

But yeah, there's so much available. There's so many resources,

13:42

especially here in Florida.

13:46

Yeah. And I'll share that

13:46

information with you guys.

13:48

Cause it's really good to know. Why we decided to make this our mission.

13:52

Right. Like yourself. Yes.

13:55

So there was your mom. But it wasn't just your mom.

13:58

Correct. Tell us, about the rest of your family.

14:01

Yeah. So my mom passed away in December

14:02

of 2020 and she passed it home.

14:06

That's what we chose to do. And it was long and it was laborious.

14:09

It was really long. And After that, crazy as it is, my

14:10

dad and my brother older brother

14:15

who moved down here to help me were

14:15

both deemed terminal, like about

14:19

a week apart in the summer of 22.

14:22

So our family was just recuperating

14:22

from the loss of our mom, who, was

14:25

just the light of our life and and

14:25

having this happen and so closely

14:29

together, I literally was blown away.

14:33

I didn't know what to do. And, I was taking them to all their

14:35

meetings with their physicians.

14:39

We're going to different hospices. So my brother and my dad, they were

14:41

deemed terminal in the summer and within

14:44

a couple of months, they had to go into

14:44

hospice and palliative care because they

14:48

were just getting sicker and sicker. And so I relied on two different hospices.

14:52

My brother was in the North end of Tampa,

14:52

so we relied on Gulf Side and my father.

14:57

We are in the south end of Tampa and

14:57

we relied on Life Path which is part

15:01

of Chapters and they were amazing.

15:05

They were everything that we

15:05

could have ever asked for.

15:08

The nurses were incredible. The intake nurse that came, they

15:09

work from a holistic dynamic as well.

15:13

And they're looking at. What is going on in this family?

15:15

Who lives in the home? What care is needed?

15:18

And they set a beautiful plan

15:18

of action in place for us.

15:21

And it was, it enabled me to go out

15:21

and do what I needed to do, whether

15:24

it was banking or just get out for

15:24

a coffee and meet someone or meet

15:28

one of one of my referral partners

15:28

which is something I did, building my

15:32

business as I was dealing with this. So, Yeah, there was incredible

15:34

strength in saying that I need help.

15:38

Incredible. And I didn't want to

15:39

do that, but we did it.

15:41

And the moment that I did ask for

15:41

help from both Gulfside and LifePath,

15:46

my life changed, and it really

15:46

just became about them helping our

15:50

family with whatever we needed. There was a lifeline,

15:52

and they were there 24 7.

15:55

We always knew that there was going

15:55

to be someone there if we needed

15:57

something stat, or emergent. Yeah. It was difficult because my

16:00

brother's 35 minutes north and

16:03

again, at separate hospitals. So we're going, you know, and other

16:04

people can relate to this, I'm not the

16:08

only one who's been through this, but

16:08

when you're taking a father to go do

16:11

immunotherapy or chemotherapy at one

16:11

hospital, and you're there for four

16:14

hours, and then you turn around and go to

16:14

someone else's home, pick them up and take

16:17

them for abdominal surgery or whatnot.

16:20

It's.. It's overwhelming, it's isolating, it's

16:21

frustrating, you don't know what to do.

16:25

So having them there to just help

16:25

lay out a little plan of action

16:29

for our family was everything. They definitely were our lifeline.

16:32

And I cannot tell you how

16:32

incredible the staff was.

16:36

Everyone from the people who answer

16:36

the phone, front desk, to the

16:39

people who, I know, do intake, to

16:39

the people who come to your home.

16:42

And that includes physical therapists,

16:42

oxygen therapy, delivery of every

16:46

product that you could need in your home. They have a game plan.

16:50

And it was amazing. And it really, you can see the smile.

16:53

It took a lot of that stress

16:53

off of me and I could share what

16:56

I was going through with them. It was wonderful. So were your brother and dad at

16:59

home when all this was going on or

17:03

were they in a hospice facility?

17:06

Sure. So we chose to do uh, my father was

17:06

on palliative care, had mesothelioma.

17:11

And so we decided to do his care here at

17:11

home and he wanted to do immunotherapy.

17:16

And so we would take him to the hospital

17:16

for that treatment and then bring him

17:20

home, so it was outpatient therapy.

17:22

And then my brother was

17:22

on hospice home hospice.

17:26

So I would go up there and

17:26

his son was living with him.

17:28

So he was caregiving and I was

17:28

caregiving and we made sure that

17:31

he had everything he needed. We would always be there for the

17:33

nurses that came to visit him.

17:36

And he had end stage liver disease. So, you know, We had, there's certain

17:38

things that you have to look for as

17:40

a nurse, you know, mentation, making

17:40

sure that their mental acuity is there.

17:45

That they're speaking and talking, or

17:45

they can, you know, if they're not,

17:48

you know they're declining rapidly. So there's just various things, that

17:49

you have to do to care for people in

17:53

their home, but I wouldn't change it. I really wouldn't have

17:54

changed that for anything.

17:57

I think he got better care at home. I think the nurses that

17:59

came were wonderful. His son did an amazing job.

18:02

I was there when I could be there. So I thought it was great.

18:05

Yeah. Yeah. They're amazing.

18:08

You know, you relocated down here,

18:08

but you are a business woman at heart.

18:12

You're still, you mentioned referral

18:12

partners and that you were doing things.

18:16

So, Even though you pivoted and you put

18:16

your life on hold per se to come down, you

18:22

left everything that was familiar to you

18:22

to come down and do this for your parents.

18:26

Obviously, that was a priority. And then you didn't know about your

18:28

brother, but, you did that as well...

18:32

But the part of you that

18:32

is an entrepreneur was,

18:35

that's not that didn't die.

18:37

That was still there. And so you were looking

18:39

for other things to do.

18:42

So, My point in bringing that up

18:42

is that you're juggling a lot.

18:46

That's what I think about when I

18:46

think about why I'm doing here.

18:50

What gets me up in the morning. I'm thinking about people like you

18:51

in that situation where maybe they're

18:56

a mom with young kids, or maybe they

18:56

are a business owner trying to get the

19:01

big case, or whatever trying to get a

19:01

promotion or trying to stay married,

19:07

a lot of marriages are suffering. And while this transition of being

19:09

alive and helping someone through

19:16

that transition to their end of life.

19:19

Your life is still going on. You're still trying to juggle all the

19:21

things, and it's important things like

19:26

to get to his therapy is important, to

19:26

make sure that, he gets his care, to

19:30

make sure you're paying attention so

19:30

that hyper diligence almost is necessary.

19:36

Yes. So that it's so that you don't drop

19:37

the ball on something important,

19:41

but that's not to say that these

19:41

other things are not important also.

19:44

Sure. So there's just a lot of plates spinning

19:45

for people at that time, especially

19:49

the 1 who's trying to juggle it all. There's a lot.

19:52

But I will tell you the one thing,

19:52

the two things that were most

19:54

important during all of that is

19:54

your Google calendar and my iPad.

19:58

So I could take that with me and I could

19:58

work from my dad's treatment room and I

20:03

would literally be doing zoom calls with

20:03

people who are in health care or people

20:06

that had became referral partners for me.

20:08

So, It was the one thing that kept me sane. Losing one family member over a period of

20:10

time that is, you know, in their terminal

20:14

and you know that and there's no way back. And you know that, and that's

20:16

always at the back of your mind, you

20:18

know, I just found that there were

20:18

certain things that were missing.

20:21

And so I took a, a book with me

20:21

and a journal and I just started

20:24

journaling about what I was going

20:24

through and the things that I felt

20:27

that were not there or missing or

20:27

maybe I just didn't know about it.

20:31

And as my dad would be, on the couch

20:31

maybe taking an hour nap, I would break

20:36

out my iPad and I would join on zoom

20:36

calls with people I didn't even know.

20:39

And I would just show up with the

20:39

camera off and just kept showing up.

20:42

And then, too, the Probate Mastery

20:42

courses, I would just show up

20:45

there, have the camera off or

20:45

have it on and not even talk.

20:48

It was the thing that kept me sane. And I knew going through that, that was

20:49

going to be instrumental in turning my

20:54

life around and my business around...

20:57

I had taken care of probate people

20:57

who were going through probate

21:00

need to sell home, but it was never

21:00

to this level or this degree...

21:04

but when you travel through that

21:04

yourself, you start going, "yeah,

21:07

there's a lot that's really missing and

21:07

I have a lot to bring to the table."

21:11

It's a nurse and it's

21:11

not just about the house.

21:15

It's about that person. So that's what I really learned.

21:18

And I took every hour,

21:18

every minute that I had.

21:20

And just took that and took notes and made

21:20

spreadsheets and met people for coffee and

21:25

just said, how can I help your business? How can we do this?

21:27

How can we make it happen? And now it's a year later and we

21:28

have a whole referral business.

21:31

So it's awesome. We found the silver lining.

21:34

We really did through all the

21:34

grief and the pain, we found

21:36

it and I'm here to share it. So, what services did you utilize that

21:38

you could maintain some of your own life?

21:42

Because there's one thing to care

21:42

for other people, but you don't have

21:45

to lay your whole life down in order

21:45

to help them in that transition.

21:50

And we think we do because, you know, you're the daughter

21:51

and that that's the role.

21:53

Right? Well, and you're a professional nurse.

21:56

Of course, you would do that, you know, so the thing for me was calling for help.

22:01

My mom was in her final

22:01

stages and I had to let it go.

22:04

And I said, I need some help here. So the helpers, the nurse assistants

22:06

and nurses would come out, the doctors

22:10

came and they would help me with washing

22:10

my mom at that point, helping me with

22:14

if she needed something to eat, they've

22:14

been maybe, just help in the house.

22:18

They would. Sit with my father and just

22:19

have a conversation with us.

22:21

They offered up music therapy, just

22:21

anything to just help us have a little

22:26

bit of normalcy for a couple of hours

22:26

and just having somebody come in and

22:30

talk to you and listen to you and

22:30

acknowledge your existence because

22:33

allowing someone to come in and help me

22:33

wash my mom and change her pants or her

22:37

gown or whatever we were doing for that

22:37

day, it just takes so much off of you.

22:43

And I'm so thankful. So I'm thankful that I did that.

22:46

And I encourage people to allow that.

22:50

Don't think that you have to be the

22:50

one that does all that work yourself

22:53

because you are going to crash and burn. And you will.

22:57

Yeah, I think that there's something

22:57

about, and you alluded to this, I think

23:01

there's something about being in this

23:01

struggle and having other people meet

23:06

you there, they didn't judge you, they

23:06

didn't judge your mom, they met you there

23:12

and you could be open, you were totally

23:12

honest with that this is where I am, this

23:16

is my life, it's not all of my life, but

23:16

it's my life right now, and to be seen and

23:22

valued in that position is so affirming.

23:26

And it adds honor and value

23:26

to what you have chosen to do.

23:30

So that's another reason why I think it's

23:30

really important for people to get the

23:35

help because then you're allowing people

23:35

to witness what you are experiencing.

23:40

And I think that's such a good thing for

23:40

your psyche and for your emotional health.

23:44

It is when people are going through

23:44

hospice and whatnot, they just think,

23:47

Hey, the nurses are all going to come

23:47

in, they're going to take care of it.

23:50

They're there for half an hour,

23:50

45 minutes, and then you've

23:53

got 23 other hours in your day.

23:55

So how do you create balance, you know, work life and, you know, I

23:56

stopped working at that time when my

24:01

business was just taking off to, the

24:01

probate nurse and I stopped and I, again,

24:05

I would do that a hundred times over. So yeah, I, I just encourage

24:06

people to use those services,

24:10

really take advantage of them.. You know, have a pastor come out and

24:12

speak with your family and, and get clear

24:16

on the wishes and we did that with my

24:16

dad because it wasn't very religious,

24:19

but we had the pastor come out and

24:19

speak with him and say, you know, Al,

24:22

you know, what is it that you need? And once we got his answer, we knew how

24:23

we could help him in his transition.

24:30

We understood. So these services are

24:31

put in place to help.

24:34

And if you're not inside of

24:34

it, you don't understand it.

24:37

You really don't, even best

24:37

friends don't understand.

24:39

They really don't. They don't get it. They don't have a grid for it.

24:43

Yeah. They know you're really tough. They don't have a grid for it.

24:45

But you don't think about it. You just keep going and that's

24:47

why that break is great.

24:50

Even if you just go to the

24:50

mall and you walk around for a

24:52

minute or you walk to the beach. Take a 10 minute walk.

24:54

It's not selfish. I've met so many caregivers that

24:56

are like, I shouldn't be here.

24:59

They feel guilty that they're

24:59

not .. They absolutely need to

25:02

do those things for themselves. It's so a better caregiver when

25:05

they take care of themselves.

25:09

Absolutely. I think I will say, my father was

25:10

just, he was a hundred percent there

25:13

in his mind and his body was failing

25:13

him and he wanted so much autonomy,

25:17

you know, he wanted to do his medications. He would lay them out.

25:20

He created a graph and he

25:20

was just absolutely amazing.

25:24

One of the best patients you could ever have. And the nurses were

25:26

impressed with them too. So he was just so instrumental in his

25:28

own care until he started his decline, so

25:33

I just encourage people take that help.

25:35

If someone wants to come and give

25:35

you an hour, take that hour or

25:38

you will crash and you will burn. And I

25:41

know about that. So were you guys prepared?

25:43

And if this is too personal,

25:43

only answer what you feel like,

25:46

but were you guys prepared? Like,

25:49

legally were there wills in place

25:49

so that probate could be avoided?

25:53

Or did you? Can you talk a little bit about that?

25:56

Did you have a conversation about

25:56

getting a will in place or directives?

26:00

We sure did. And so, you know, my father's

26:01

very instrumental in that.

26:04

And he was so big on pre planning

26:04

because he loved us enough not to put

26:09

us through that in our time of sorrow.

26:11

So my dad was absolutely amazing. So he did funeral pre

26:13

planning for their cremation.

26:16

And that was quite awesome. And then he did their estate

26:18

planning and we started doing more

26:21

of that when I started understanding

26:21

what was really truly going on.

26:25

So yeah he did everything that

26:25

he could do to avoid probate.

26:28

We did not have to go through probate.

26:30

He, you know, our bank accounts were

26:30

POD or payable upon death so that we

26:34

could access his funds to pay bills. So he did all the right things.

26:38

And and my brother had not done a lot of

26:38

things to prepare himself for his estate.

26:44

He was in denial that he was

26:44

ill, right up to his last breath.

26:47

So what we did um, found a lovely,

26:47

lovely probate attorney in St.

26:52

Pete, who actually was coming out to our

26:52

home the day that he went to the emergency

26:56

room and she was coming to the house to

26:56

sign his documents and get a lady bird

27:01

deed, which I know you're familiar with. And, bless her heart.

27:04

She came to the ER and signed

27:04

that paperwork with him.

27:08

So that prevented his home

27:08

from going through probate.

27:11

And the rest of it. We pretty much everything

27:11

else went into that as well.

27:14

She was able to save all of his 401k and,

27:14

everything from his work, was pretty much.

27:20

Good. The only thing that, that we

27:20

missed was one account and

27:22

that has to go through probate. And that's, that can be painful.

27:26

So I encourage people to get your estate

27:26

planning started, get it started, get it

27:31

done, get that home into a land trust. Whether you're buying a home or,

27:33

downsizing, whatever it is, get

27:37

that home in there and then start

27:37

your personal estate planning.

27:40

Your power of attorney,

27:40

medical and financial...

27:43

get your will in place. It is such a gift because when you're

27:44

dealing with all the things that a

27:48

caregiver deals with and then that

27:48

season ends, but wait a minute, it's

27:52

not over yet because now you've got

27:52

to go into this probate drama and

27:56

uh, yeah. So you mentioned burnout, you use the word

27:58

burnout a couple of times I think already

28:02

and we've talked about it before and

28:02

and you were a poster child for burnout.

28:07

I understand like you did

28:07

the, you jumped in full.

28:11

I did! The whole thing, even though you

28:12

have a nursing background and,

28:16

you know, I know some people may be hearing this

28:16

and saying she's got a nursing background.

28:20

And there were some things you

28:20

said a while ago that even with

28:23

your training, you still didn't

28:23

take care of yourself completely.

28:27

Can you talk about burnout and

28:27

what that was like for you and

28:30

how you found your way out of it? Yeah.

28:33

And burnout for myself was taking

28:33

everything on myself and going between

28:38

the two hospices and going between two

28:38

different hospital systems and being

28:44

the person that was there for the

28:44

lab draws, being the person that was

28:47

there when my dad had his surgeries

28:47

and whatnot and same for my brother...

28:51

and just not taking that time to eat

28:51

correctly, grabbing something out

28:57

the way out the door eating a lot of

28:57

carbs because you're stressed out.

29:01

Drinking alcohol to go to sleep

29:01

and not taking care of yourself.

29:06

Just literally going days without a

29:06

shower trying to sleep and not sleeping,

29:10

trying to get an hour during the day. So just really just not taking care of

29:12

yourself in the way that you should.

29:17

Because you're no good to anybody

29:17

if you are not healthy, right?

29:21

And so by taking all that on, I literally

29:21

I was exhausted, but I kept going.

29:25

And when my brother passed in January,

29:25

excuse me, December of last year,

29:31

and then my father passed two months

29:31

later and I couldn't stop because

29:34

my dad was terminal at that time. So after my brother passed

29:35

we couldn't even breathe.

29:38

I just remember showing up

29:38

at the crematorium going.

29:42

I can't even believe this is happening. And here's my father who's

29:43

terminal looking at his son, right?

29:47

Nightmare, absolute nightmare.

29:49

And my poor father and I

29:49

thought, man, this guy, I don't

29:51

even know how he's doing this. But turning around and remaining strong

29:53

for him and not breaking down and not

29:57

having any kind of crying session,

29:57

at least not in front of anybody...

30:01

running, running, running to make sure

30:01

that he's okay, that his therapy is

30:05

going well, that he's walking, that

30:05

he's eating, you know, doing three

30:08

meals a day and all the shopping,

30:08

the cooking, cleaning all the house..

30:12

and, trying to Keep all that in line

30:12

so that he's well taken care of..

30:18

You do crash and burn and it was about

30:18

six months after my brother passed

30:22

that I really literally hit the wall. And when I say hit the wall, I didn't know

30:24

what to do because everything had stopped.

30:28

The estate planning stuff,

30:28

my brother was done.

30:31

You know, All the banking stuff

30:31

was done and I'm in front of my

30:33

computer going, what do I do? What the hell do I do?

30:37

I didn't know what to do. And I was so overtaken by anxiety

30:38

I didn't know what to do and it

30:43

just got progressively worse and I

30:43

didn't realize it was depression.

30:46

I had no idea. I thought I was just having anxiety

30:47

from all the stress we've been through.

30:50

And I really did hit the wall and

30:50

I had to seek professional help.

30:53

And that's another thing that I

30:53

really want to make clear with

30:55

people that it's okay to ask. And for me to ask for that

30:57

kind of help was really hard.

31:01

It was very hard. But when you're grieving and you're

31:02

not able to grieve in the way that you

31:06

really want to and your life changes

31:06

because you're going from this caregiver

31:10

for years until all of a sudden... now, what do I do?

31:13

Do I go back to nursing? Do I do real estate?

31:15

What do I do? And a lot of people go through that

31:17

same feeling too, because when it stops.

31:21

You're now like, what I've got time.

31:23

What do I do? And I hit the wall. I literally slid down the wall

31:24

and I couldn't get out of bed.

31:28

And I remember being in bed for days,

31:28

just crying, numb, didn't know what to do.

31:33

And I called my physician and I called

31:33

one of my good friends, who's a nurse.

31:36

And she said, I'm taking you to the hospital. I'm taking you to the hospital.

31:40

to the hospital. And so that's what we did. And I was able to speak with people

31:42

who were able to care for me very

31:45

quickly and get me on some good

31:45

therapy, grief counseling, trauma

31:50

counseling and some medication. And I'm telling you, I'm back

31:52

and I'm better than I ever

31:54

was and focused and clear. And I highly recommend that for

31:56

anyone who doesn't know what to do.

32:01

And they're feeling those pains and the

32:01

anger and the resentment and everything.

32:06

And you literally, you'll know when

32:06

you hit the wall because you can't

32:08

move, you're basically paralyzed. Which is not uncommon after the loss of

32:11

one person, but two and three was way

32:15

too much for me and my psyche to handle. So, Crashing and burning is not good.

32:18

I don't recommend it. I recommend getting the help

32:19

that you need, getting grief

32:22

counseling immediately. I waited six months and I

32:24

don't know why I did that. So I highly recommend that.

32:28

One thing I will say here about

32:28

LifePath Hospice, they're amazing.

32:31

They offer grief counseling for families

32:31

in the Hillsborough County for up to one

32:37

year after your family member passes away.

32:39

And you don't have to be someone

32:39

who's actually gone through LifePath.

32:42

It is a community. Oh, wow.

32:45

And they do all kinds of grief counseling,

32:45

whether it's, in person or a group, or if

32:50

you can't leave your home, if you're shut

32:50

in, they can help you over a zoom call.

32:54

And in fact, I had grief

32:54

counseling this morning.

32:56

It's amazing. That's great.

32:59

It is amazing. That's those services are there for you.

33:02

And I encourage people to

33:02

reach out for the help.

33:05

There's nothing wrong with it. We're human beings, you know,

33:07

all of us. And it's okay.

33:09

It's okay to be sad. And it's okay to say, Hey man,

33:11

I'm not doing good right now.

33:14

And I really could use some help. And for me as a business owner, a nurse

33:15

to ask was, I almost felt ashamed,

33:21

no, man, you really need the help. And so I did it.

33:23

And I'm so glad I did. Because I probably wouldn't

33:24

be in a good place right now.

33:27

I don't think my business would be flourishing. My friends probably wouldn't

33:29

still be around, because

33:32

it doesn't affect just you. It affects everyone around

33:33

you, including your work.

33:35

Right. Right. Yeah. Yeah. That depression can be like a black

33:37

hole and it's just never horrible.

33:41

That is fine. Yeah. It is horrible, but

33:44

um, that help is there. And there's so many resources,

33:45

especially for seniors,

33:48

you know, people who've lost their spouses

33:48

children who've lost their parent.

33:52

You have to think about them,

33:52

they're maybe seven or eight years

33:55

old, and they just lost their dad. The dad was everything.

33:57

So they've got all kinds of community

33:57

programs and camps for children.

34:01

And I encourage that. Yes, for sure.

34:05

One of the things that struck me in

34:05

our conversation a couple of weeks

34:08

ago was it's not fake positivity.

34:11

It's you have been to hell and back

34:11

and you have chosen to do things that

34:16

bring you joy and bring you life. And so there is such hope in your

34:18

story, that you can share with others.

34:23

And so, while I am very sorry that you went

34:24

through all that for so long and

34:28

how traumatic it must have been

34:28

to hold it together after the loss

34:31

of your brother, and then to turn

34:31

around and be there for your dad.

34:36

That's just heart wrenching.

34:40

It was gut wrenching and, to see my father like that.

34:42

And one of the things he said to me

34:42

before he passed is, Mel, I really

34:45

didn't want to do the immunotherapy,

34:45

but I did it so that I wouldn't pass the

34:49

same week of the same month as Craig.

34:51

And other families go through this, and

34:51

yeah, so I thank you so much for that.

34:55

But the silver lining is that I have

34:55

turned what was so horrific for myself and

35:01

my, my brother, my existing brother, Jason,

35:02

is that we're able to turn this round and

35:06

consult with people and talk to people

35:06

about ways that they can handle from

35:11

their grief to their home to clean out.

35:13

I mean, Everything, all those services are there

35:14

and having the strength within you.

35:18

I don't know where it came

35:18

from, except for the man above.

35:21

If I didn't have this going on, I'm

35:21

telling you, I wouldn't be here right now.

35:25

So I'm thankful for that. Yes, so that's a good,

35:27

good transition there.

35:31

So how can people find out about those

35:31

and how can they reach you Melanie?

35:36

Yeah, sure. So, I'm at [email protected]

35:37

that is my email.

35:43

You can find me on Facebook, LinkedIn.

35:46

I'm on TikTok, I'm on Instagram,

35:46

Pinterest, all those, all the socials.

35:50

My website is a great way, if you

35:50

want to fill out a contact form,

35:54

I'm at theprobatenurse.com, you

35:54

can call me, you can email me.

35:59

But I prefer to be to have an

35:59

email honestly, at this point.

36:02

So that I have a hard copy of

36:02

anything that anyone needs.

36:04

So [email protected] or

36:04

my website would be the best way.

36:09

Okay, so that wraps up the show today

36:09

with Melanie Hands and the probate nurse.

36:14

Thank you so much for joining me. I hope that you got a lot

36:16

out of today's episode.

36:19

Again, this is a part two episode.

36:22

The first half we're talking about

36:22

Melanie and her experiences as a

36:26

caregiver as she took care of her

36:26

brother and her dad and her mom.

36:30

And then the second half is we're

36:30

talking about her as the Probate Nurse

36:34

and how she has taken her experiences

36:34

with her family and she's created this

36:38

business now to help people through

36:38

the transition of caregiving and

36:43

into estate,, settling an a state.

36:45

So, I hope that you're able

36:45

to join us for both episodes.

36:48

Thank you so much for coming

36:48

to the Probate Podcast.

36:51

Come back next time and see what

36:51

we've got to talk about then.

36:54

Take care.