0:00

After the honeymoon period has come and gone, a lot of times we run into intimacy challenges.

0:09

We run into times where one or the other is not getting as much sex as they

0:16

believe they need to have. There's distance between the relationship. Things start getting a little strained.

0:22

We're going to be talking about that this week on episode number 222 of The Relaxed Male.

0:30

This is The Relaxed Male, a show that comes to you each week,

0:35

helping men to remove the nice guy from their life so they can actually live

0:39

their life on their terms.

0:39

Music.

0:42

Join the host, certified coach, Brian Goodwin, as he helps men step out of their

0:48

heads and become free from the thoughts that bind them.

0:52

Hey, man, hello, and welcome to The Relaxed Male.

0:55

I'm your host, Brian, and I am a certified men's coach to assist men who are

0:58

just neck deep in the suffering of their life.

1:01

Men who are going through tough times like divorces or job changes, things like that.

1:07

To men who are just going through day-to-day struggles, struggling with relationships

1:11

and struggling with who they are as a man in today's society.

1:17

Life can come at us fast. Sometimes we just become so overwhelmed that we don't know what to do.

1:23

That's where I come in. I help men get to the root of their suffering,

1:27

help men step back, relax so that they can actually enjoy their life.

1:34

In each episode, we take a look at the different challenges that men face and

1:38

how you can actually look at your life in a different manner and change the

1:44

thoughts you have about that circumstance to be able to become stronger, more successful.

1:50

And on the other side, you can feel better about yourself without playing the victim.

1:57

So guys, welcome. Hello again to episode number 222 of the Relax Mail.

2:03

We're trucking right along. And wanting to jump in this week as I'm kind of shifting.

2:11

I don't know if you've noticed the past couple, three episodes,

2:13

and it seems to happen about once a year. The focus of what we're talking about kind of shifts.

2:20

And we get a little more detailed, and we're talking a lot about relationships

2:25

this year because that's where so many men often struggle is with the relationships.

2:31

How do I get a better relationship with my wife? How do I get a better relationship with my girlfriend?

2:36

Things along those lines. And so what happens is a lot of times we actually

2:42

go in and we start having things like roommate syndrome cropping up,

2:46

just lack of communication, lack of connection, connection, lack of just the things that you used to do

2:53

when you were originally, married, you know, when you first got married, you know, you had sex,

3:00

you know, you were a couple of bunny rabbits.

3:04

You may have gone at it, you know, once, twice a day.

3:08

Yet nowadays it's maybe a month and once a month, maybe, you know,

3:15

might even stretch out to where it's once every six months. month,

3:18

maybe you only get, uh, you get some, uh, get some action on your birthday.

3:23

You might, you're, you're, these are things that are sadly occur.

3:28

These are extreme examples, but they are, they're examples that do occur.

3:33

And we often have an assortment of different intimacy challenges that crop up.

3:40

And we wonder, we try to figure out, we, I mean, that's one of the reasons why

3:44

you have You go to any gas station, any convenience store, and they ride around

3:51

all the impulse buy areas. They've got things from horny goat weed to extends to all these other quick

3:59

fixes that are supposed to help. They've got things that are supposed to be aphrodisiacs for women,

4:05

and they're supposed to get women all riled up and ready to go.

4:08

There was Arouse, which is a gel that you're supposed to put on a woman and

4:13

it's supposed to really get her up and up and up and going real good.

4:18

There's there was all these different really quick fix pseudo pharmaceuticals

4:24

out there that are supposed to help people have sex better, have a better intimacy,

4:29

a better intimate encounter,

4:32

except they don't work. Hence the reason why more and more of them come out every year.

4:37

We are always running into different intimacy challenges.

4:42

We come across problems time and time again.

4:46

And there's reasons why these intimacy challenges come up.

4:49

And the big one is just because we're human.

4:53

And because we're human, we can't do anything in our life without having some

4:57

type of emotional reaction to it. Now, a lot of times, it'll be good.

5:02

Actually, 50% of the time, it'll be a good reaction. The other 50% of the time,

5:06

it's not a good reaction. It's not a good response. We have a bad thought. We have the pain.

5:12

We feel the pain of a 50-50 lifestyle.

5:15

And this is normal. This is 100% always going to happen because us humans,

5:20

we are emotional beings. Things we are also creatures of habit so

5:25

we find a we find a routine that kind of works

5:28

worse and we want to stick to it we don't want to deviate we

5:32

get up in the morning we sit down we have a brew up our coffee while we go to

5:35

the bathroom we do our poop then we get up and we have a we drink drink a couple

5:40

cups of coffee and then we get all our stuff packed thrown into the vehicle

5:43

and away we go and we're gone for the day and then fight the boss and everything

5:48

else that we do there, talk to Steve over in accounting.

5:51

And then we come back and we sit down and we, you know, may have supper already

5:56

ready for us, or we get supper ready if the wife is also working.

6:01

And then we take care of the kids and all that.

6:04

And the wife comes in and we take care of the kids and we sit down and once

6:07

all the homework and everything else is done, we sit down and watch television

6:12

for a little while, and then it's about to. Nine, 10, 11 o'clock at night. And it's like, all right, it's time to go to bed.

6:17

And you go to bed, say goodnight and turn off the lights and you go to sleep.

6:21

I only wake up and do the same thing again. Or you may have it where one person goes and sits and watches their shows on

6:28

their television in one room.

6:30

And you go and watch your television shows in another room, or you play video

6:34

games in another room, or you do something away from the wife.

6:38

Y'all are both in the same house, but separated.

6:41

These all, these things happen. We fall into these routines and we have roommate

6:47

syndrome cropping up and roommate syndrome is just one of those big challenges.

6:54

It's not a bad thing. Roommate challenge can actually be viewed as a really good thing.

7:00

We'll dive into that here in a short bit. bit.

7:04

But the reason why we struggle and why we have the intimacy challenges that

7:10

come up is because, one, we have our thoughts and our thoughts about the circumstances.

7:17

And we think, well, it's the other person's problem.

7:20

They don't like sex, and so we don't even need to try.

7:24

And so we find ourselves into a routine. We start telling ourselves all these

7:28

stories and all these lies and all these these false dichotomies that keep us

7:35

buried in a hole with no satisfaction.

7:40

And we don't want to deviate from our routine because if we do,

7:44

then we're going to start stirring up emotions, and those emotions might not

7:48

be very good because, I mean, again, it's a 50-50 principle that we're going into effect here.

7:53

So there's half the time it's going to be a good response, and the other half

7:57

of the time it may not be a very good response. thoughts.

8:00

What you deem that response to be is all completely up to you, but.

8:04

We don't want to stir up the emotions. We don't want to irritate the wife and

8:08

cause her to get angry at us because then there's a good chance that she may

8:11

not, she may have been interested in having some sex and being intimate with us.

8:16

And now we've pissed her off. So now there's no hell, no hope there.

8:20

So we don't, we, we avoid being emotionally connected because we don't want

8:27

this. We don't want to piss the other one off.

8:29

And because again, like I said, if we pissed the other one off,

8:32

then we're not going to definitely not going to have any, any whoopie at that

8:35

night and we always want to

8:38

have whoopie especially if you're a guy and then you throw in

8:41

guys if you've got any touch of nice

8:44

guy syndrome in you in you you're going

8:47

to you're even caught shooting yourself in the foot even more

8:50

because you're doing stuff to try

8:54

to manipulate your wife into having sex and she

8:57

sees what you're doing she sees right through your your

9:00

your covert contract and

9:03

because you aren't man enough to actually walk up

9:06

to her before doing everything and going

9:09

hey you know if i what would take if

9:12

i if i get all these uh dishes washed and get

9:15

the kids put to bed early and how about you and me fool around

9:18

she possibly could say no but again

9:22

because you didn't even bother to ask her you just did stuff assuming that you

9:28

were going going to convince her that she was going to automatically want to

9:32

have sex with you she's going to say no so we instantly don't even try take

9:37

all these and more little instances uh together.

9:41

Wrap them up and we start getting the intimacy challenges that we face now a

9:49

lot of people i do want to kind of point out that a lot of people want to say

9:53

well relationship can't survive why without sex? I disagree.

9:57

And this is coming from a guy who loves to have sex. I'm a guy who,

10:01

who struggled deeply with the fact that my wife didn't like to have sex.

10:10

We've been married for 28 years and 15 of those years, if not more,

10:14

was me playing the victim, me not trying even. Did we go without sex?

10:23

There was times where we went six, seven months, eight months without sex.

10:27

There was times that it would surprise me and wonder what in the world got into

10:33

my wife because all of a sudden it'd be like a couple times a week.

10:36

And it would dry up again. It would be gone for, you know, two months.

10:40

Can you survive without sex? Yes, you can. Can a relationship survive without sex?

10:47

Yes, it can. but it all pivots around what you think is.

10:54

Sex means. For us guys, a lot of times that is how we are interpreting our wife's love.

11:03

Are we doing a good enough job for our wife? The answer is no.

11:08

And so we try a little harder and we still get a no. And then we try a little

11:12

harder and it's no. And then we finally go, well, screw it. it.

11:15

Who cares? My wife doesn't.

11:19

So why try? And so we settle. We stop trying. We stop trying to build a relationship.

11:26

We start going down the victim road, start looking at porn, thinking,

11:31

yeah, well, at least I'm seeing somebody have sex because I know God knows I

11:35

don't know. I'm not having any. And we start feeling sorry for ourselves.

11:39

Yeah. We're just packing on on the hurt, the frustration, the pain that we feel.

11:47

Because one, we're not allowing ourselves to actually process any of the emotions

11:52

that we have about whether or not our wife is actually wanting to have sex with us or not.

11:57

We're actually just holding on to baggage that doesn't serve us.

12:05

And yes, you can have sex. You can have a relationship. You can have a great relationship.

12:11

Without sex, there are couples who, for whatever reason, the guy actually has

12:16

real problems with his equipment.

12:20

His equipment just refuses to rise, whether it's psychological or what, or it just doesn't work.

12:29

Can you have a relationship there? Yeah. And there's people who do.

12:33

Do there's people who are married to the person

12:36

of the opposite sex who is in all

12:40

pretense and purposes asexual they do not find sex sexy they just see it as

12:47

just something people do from time to time they may see it as something that

12:52

is you know oh i don't know uh i just said you know and And I don't know,

12:57

I answered the question. It's funny. I got to start working on that crutch word anyhow.

13:05

Sees it as just a way to keep a guy.

13:10

But the key to all of that is to roommate syndrome and whether or not your relationship,

13:15

even if your relationship can survive without sex or not, all these pivot around one major point.

13:23

And it's what you're telling yourself. You have a choice. You can either accept your relationship as it is. You can say.

13:33

Accept your relationship is never going to have sex again, and you can just

13:37

act accordingly, whether that serves you or not is up for debate.

13:42

Or you could choose to find a way to get it to work.

13:46

You can find a way where you are lacking because you can't control your wife.

13:52

So there is is a circumstance of no, of no sex happening in life.

13:59

There's no intimacy or very little physical intimacy.

14:04

And there's five different types of intimacy. Just we'll, we'll jump into that

14:07

real quick because there's, I can't, as I was doing a little research for here,

14:12

I came across all points North. Cause I was just kind of curious, you know, what are some of the,

14:16

what are the different types of intimacy? I knew there's physical intimacy and emotional intimacy, but what else?

14:22

And they stated that All Points North website actually pointed out that there's five.

14:27

There's emotional, spiritual, intellectual, social, and physical.

14:31

And I found that really interesting because emotional intimacy, we all know.

14:34

That's what the women in society, the feminists in society are all stomping

14:40

around going, you need to give us more emotional intimacy, blah, blah, blah.

14:44

And yeah, there is a point. You don't want to just be emotionally cold to your wife.

14:50

I mean, that's a point. standpoint but at the

14:53

same time as men do not express our emotions

14:56

the same way women do when we start expressing

14:59

our emotions like women do that's where we

15:02

start losing our wife's respect because they really don't want to hear a man

15:09

talk about how horrible his day was and that you know he cried in the bathroom

15:14

for for 10 minutes because you know the boss said something horrible But they do,

15:20

I believe the emotional intimacy actually happens as you incur the intellectual

15:28

and the social and the spiritual intimacy.

15:31

When you get those three intimacies together and you start working on the spiritual

15:38

intimacy, which is a lot of people just say, oh, I'm just spiritual.

15:42

No, your religion, what you believe, is that compatible with your spouse?

15:50

It's not necessarily, I'm a church of Christ and she's a Baptist.

15:55

Can we get along? Yeah, because fundamentally, you do have the same beliefs.

16:03

Just one believes you can't dance while the other one believes you can't have

16:06

music. And so they're just, they have their own little tiny,

16:13

they're all, they're all Christianity. They all believe the same thing.

16:17

It's just the details that man has decided to interpret is, is what's wrong.

16:25

And now if you've got two Church of Christ followers, they may be just fine.

16:30

But then you may have a Baptist and Lutheran and the Lutherans like going,

16:33

hell yeah, man, it's time to drink up.

16:35

We just said amen for the last time of the day and we're going to go out to lunch.

16:39

Let's have a beer. And you break your neck open a beer and you go out and you go to town.

16:44

That's, you know, Baptist may not go, may be going, yeah, you don't drink quite that early.

16:50

At least wait until five o'clock, you know? So when you have the spiritual intimacy,

16:55

when you agree with your spouse and y'all both are on the same spiritual journey,

17:01

whether you want to call it a religion or not, I think spirituality is a religion or is religion-based.

17:08

A lot of people want to have the comfort of religion without having religion

17:14

and try to say, oh, wow, I'm just being spiritual.

17:17

No, dude, you're trying to have your cake and eat it too. too.

17:21

All right. Be religious or not.

17:25

You find you have more comfort. You have more.

17:29

Happiness, you have more fulfillment when you have a religion in your life.

17:34

Hence the reason why so many people follow religions.

17:37

All right? Well, you can't be Catholic because of... No.

17:41

No, you're picking out what one to a very, very, very small amount of preachers, pastors, priests.

17:53

I knew there was a P word in there that Catholics don't use.

17:57

Used priests that did utilize their position incorrectly.

18:05

But that's, again, man is fallible.

18:08

Do you forgive them? Well, that's up to you if you want to forgive them or not.

18:12

You don't have to forgive them, but you can forgive them.

18:15

And I know I'm getting off track on this. But again, it's all spiritualized.

18:21

It's of the religion. So you have your spiritual intimacy.

18:25

Can y'all be spiritual together then

18:29

there's intellectual how curious are you

18:32

about your wife how curious is she about you

18:35

how curious can y'all actually have curiosity-based discussions about y'all's

18:42

different topics that y'all love without getting your nose out of joint without

18:47

getting irritated without getting upset because someone asked something that

18:51

was quote-unquote so offensive. If you can do that, you are going to build intellectual intimacy.

18:57

You're curious about what they believe, what they have to say.

19:02

You are interested and you have intellectual discussions with your partner, with your spouse.

19:13

Then the social intimacy. How much do you share They're in each other's interest.

19:18

Do you have a hobby? Does she have a hobby?

19:21

Do you all share the instances about what the hobbies are about?

19:25

There's not much you may share at times, but then there's a lot that you may share at others.

19:30

But you get the spiritual, intellectual, and social together.

19:34

And the emotional intimacy will actually take care of itself.

19:37

Guys, when you start hanging around the men in your life, you start having a

19:44

band of brothers, the social intimacy for your wife will actually grow because

19:50

you're emotionally stable. You're emotionally taken care of. She's not having to do the emotional intimacy work on you.

19:59

It just happens naturally. And so when you get the spiritual,

20:03

the intellectual, and the social intimacies taken care of, the emotional gets taken care of.

20:08

And when you have the emotional intimacy, then you start having the physical

20:13

intimacy coming into play.

20:16

Now, when I say physical intimacy, I'm talking sex, all right?

20:19

I'm talking about the boom, chicka, wow, wow stuff. But at the same time, physical intimacy isn't just sex.

20:26

That is the connection the physical

20:29

connection you have with your wife how often do you

20:33

go by and just touch your arm do you

20:36

when y'all are going to walmart or going

20:39

to the store and y'all are walking to the mall or whatever do

20:42

you offer her her your arm does she

20:45

take your arm when y'all are walking do you hold

20:48

hands while y'all are walking that's physical intimacy

20:52

too so look at see where are y'all being actually physical as in touch not just

20:59

boom chicka wow wow brown chicken brown cow type of stuff but you allow the

21:04

you're also having just different types of pda not just.

21:10

Snogging not just laying a big old wet kiss on her but you know hugs arms around

21:16

the shoulders arms around the waist holding hands having her take your arm as

21:21

you walk her across the uh. The parking lot, when you do all five, when you get all five of those taken care of,

21:29

the women actually will become more sexually attracted to you because women

21:36

want to feel emotionally safe and secure.

21:39

They're not going, they want to know that you're not going to bark them because

21:43

they did something because it takes so much for a woman to open up and accept a man.

21:49

Man all right they have to be able to feel trusted they have to know that they

21:55

can trust their partner women are mental beings and so this guys this is one reason why you struggle,

22:03

especially you guys out on the dating scene this is

22:06

why you struggle so much when you whoop your

22:09

your dingling out and show it

22:11

take a picture of it to show the women how proud you are of your penis all right

22:16

congratulations yes we are all we all are in love with our own our own dicks

22:22

all right we that's just only way to say it yes i definitely dig it all right

22:28

it brings me immense pleasure. But if you're honest with yourself, it's just really a freaking ugly organ.

22:36

It's this tube of blood and tissue with a weird little helmet on top.

22:44

And then on the bottom, it's got this wrinkly up bit of skin that's got a couple

22:49

of organs that hang inside of there.

22:52

And it goes up and down and stuff.

22:55

And then whenever it gets really excited, it throws up on you and it makes a big old mess.

22:59

I mean it's really kind of if you

23:01

get honest with yourself sorry guys your your

23:04

package is a bit on the ugly side but

23:08

yet we want to throw throw it at the woman and

23:11

go hey look i've got i've got a weenie you want

23:14

it and 90 of the time

23:17

our spouses are just gonna look at it and laugh at

23:19

us she may find it funny if we sit there and we

23:22

helicopter a bit but if you

23:25

depending on how far along in the marriage you

23:28

are you know 20 years years you walk in

23:31

doing the helicopter she's going to roll her eyes

23:34

and say get some underwear on get dressed no one wants to see that and she may

23:39

even be able to do it with a smile on her face and with a with a giggle in her

23:43

voice but at the same time she's not fully interested in seeing all that you

23:49

have downstairs even when you are married you have to to activate her mentally.

23:53

You have to turn her on mentally. Yeah, guys, it's easy for us.

23:59

We here. Yeah, you want to get busy here in an hour? We're all ready.

24:05

We're ready to go. Our women are not.

24:09

And to get our wives to start being intimate again, there's several things we've got to do.

24:17

Because when it comes to roommate syndrome, that is the big thing we all have to really worry about.

24:26

Because roommate syndrome is we've hit a plateau.

24:30

We've hit an emotional plateau. We found our rut.

24:35

We found the groove that we run the smoothest at.

24:40

And that running smoothly, running that comfortably, it isn't always the best thing.

24:46

Our wives want us to have adventure.

24:50

They want to go along with us on an adventure.

24:52

And so when you are at a roommate syndrome, and I wrote a, I believe it was

24:59

a blog post about it, but it could have been a podcast episode,

25:01

about why roommate syndrome actually is a good thing to have.

25:06

Up because what roommate syndrome is, is just you, your life's coming to you

25:13

saying, congratulations, man, you've made it as far as you can at this level

25:17

to go further and to continue to have an amazing life.

25:21

You've got to grow. You've got to change.

25:26

Sitting, being comfortable causes you to be uncomfortable.

25:31

You have to get out of your comfort area. Your joy cup has filled up.

25:36

You cannot have any more joy until you

25:40

get uncomfortable to grow to become

25:43

better you have to pay the price in discomfort

25:46

so are you willing to grow are you willing to stay with a relationship and find

25:53

out how you grow there's a lot of different ways you can do this and there's

26:00

things from just the simple stuff go back to the basics start dating your girlfriend

26:05

girlfriend again. All right. And when I say girlfriend, that's your wife before she was your wife.

26:10

Date her like she was your girlfriend.

26:15

Tell her, Hey, I'm going to pick you up at, uh, at six o'clock on Friday, Friday evening.

26:20

Uh, get yourself dressed up. We're going to go out and have a good time.

26:23

You could tell her what you're doing, or you can tell her, not tell her you

26:27

can take her out to a movie. How was the last time y'all went out to go actually see a movie instead Instead

26:33

of sitting at home, there's something magical about that sticky theater floor.

26:38

But start dating her again. Start having that exploratory relationship once more.

26:47

Ignite that intellectual intimacy. You do that, you will find that y'all actually

26:53

have some great conversations going on.

26:56

All because you started dating your girl again.

26:59

Another thing you can actually do, and this is if she's up for it,

27:02

and you can find it, find ways to work this out. Schedule sex.

27:09

And I know I get it guys. It's like, yeah, but when I do, we,

27:12

we actually do stuff like that. Then it's just.

27:16

It really feels fake. She's just kind of laying there like a wet dishrag and

27:20

there's not really any fun in it. And I get it.

27:23

If her heart's not in it, she can really, she kills the mood really fast.

27:29

You thought sex could be unfulfilling?

27:32

Wait until you have sex with somebody who just really doesn't care to have sex with sex at the time.

27:37

But at the same time, you help her to start going back into the sensuality of

27:44

her body. It can actually help.

27:46

There's people who have gone off and done the exercise of 365 days of sex.

27:52

And the women often find, holy smokes, I'm a beautiful woman.

27:57

Because women also, not just that they have to find us attractive mentally and all that.

28:04

Women have to find themselves attractive too.

28:07

So they've got the, and that's one reason why they fall into the trap of comparison

28:12

so much. bitch, because they don't believe they're beautiful.

28:17

Somehow they shagged, snagged, shagged. Well, he'd been shagging each other,

28:22

but snagged this pretty all right dude.

28:26

And that's the same thing us guys think. I mean, hell, there's a lot of times

28:29

I sit around and go, how the hell did my wife snag?

28:33

Why did she want to go off and snag an ugly ass troll like me?

28:37

And there's people, there's times I want to think that, but at the same time,

28:41

because I found I was doing stuff that excited her and turned her on.

28:49

And with those 365 days of sex, you get to do that again. And if you're...

28:57

Entering around 45, 50 years old, like I am, you're thinking, holy crap, is, is, is Mr.

29:03

Mr. Happy actually going to seek?

29:07

Are we going to wear them out? He started thinking that.

29:11

Cause I mean, at 20, 25, 20 to 25, you want to do 365 days a year by gosh, I would be up for it.

29:19

I'd be, I'd be Mr. Boner just the whole dang time. But the women,

29:24

when they go through this, they find they come through with a stronger connection

29:29

with their significant other.

29:31

The men start realizing, holy smokes, you don't have to be a porn star.

29:38

All the lies that we've told ourselves that limit us in our sex,

29:44

and we do. We tell ourselves a lot of crap about our sex that go away and we

29:49

become better because of it.

29:53

Now, if your wife isn't up for that, that's fine.

29:56

There's other things. Maybe she's more okay with blowjobs.

30:00

You do that. If not, maybe just a hand job is all she's actually willing to

30:06

give once a week. Are you okay with that?

30:09

Maybe you do like what me and my wife do.

30:12

It's we, we do it's serious trade. I give her a good back rub and depending

30:18

on how long the back rub goes, depends on how, you know, what we get a lot of times.

30:23

30 minutes is what is what, how long the back road blasts. So that, that week get the handy.

30:29

If I stretch it out to, to an hour, we get a blowy if I, if I can take it out

30:35

to two hours, all right, well then we got a little whoopee, which only lasts

30:38

10 minutes, but it's a good thing. So so you but you can

30:45

schedule sex it's not a horrific thing

30:48

with our brain the very fact that you think oh my gosh i

30:51

won't you were losing the spontaneity that is

30:54

your brain going wait wait wait wait wait i don't know if i like that idea what

31:00

if i do get to have all the sex that i want because there's a lot of times men

31:04

the reason that we do the stupid stuff that we do that causes our our wife to

31:09

get mad at us so we don't have sex is because we don't want to actually have the sex.

31:13

Nice guys, famous for not wanting to complaining that they don't get enough sex.

31:19

But then when the opportunity arises, they find ways to sabotage that sex.

31:25

Another way that you can increase your intimacy with your wife is to have a

31:32

strong man's community pillar.

31:34

That pillar alone is one of the the great ones, because you are showing up with

31:40

a lot more masculine energy. You're showing up with a more well-balanced, emotionally balanced approach to

31:50

life, all because you have a group of men who you talk to on a regular basis.

31:56

You share your thoughts and your experiences with the men around you,

32:00

and they share their thoughts and their experiences with you,

32:04

which increases your masculinity levels and allows you to go out and give your

32:13

wife that sexual masculine energy,

32:16

not even just sexual energy, just the masculine energy.

32:19

Kira Brady Counseling actually even recommends that you go outside of your marriage,

32:26

have a life outside your marriage, to go out and live life.

32:30

You don't have to have your wife in tow Oh, 24 hours a day, seven days a week.

32:36

You're taking cleave to your wife way too literally.

32:44

Are you supposed to leave your mother and cleave to your wife? Yes.

32:49

But that doesn't mean you stay by your wife's side all the time.

32:54

You don't use your wife as emotional crutches.

32:58

You use your wife as a woman who you get to talk to and you get to know and

33:05

you have deep discussions with. Something else you want to do is go back and start doing the cheesy romantic stuff. All right?

33:14

Buying her flowers, you know, leaving love notes, sending love texts,

33:18

buying little gifts, being silly.

33:23

Have fun in your relationship again. These are all important things that you

33:27

need to do to keep your relationship fresh, to keep the intimacy going.

33:34

Date your girl.

33:37

Do the cheesy romantic stuff. Take her on surprise little concerts and things like that.

33:43

Now, something else a lot of us guys do, and if you're not paying attention,

33:47

you don't realize exactly what it is you're really doing, but drop the mental fights.

33:55

We've had those things where our wife did something. Maybe she rebuffed us in

34:01

advance that we were wanting to have some nookie.

34:04

And our wife said no. No. And so later on in the following day,

34:08

we have a discussion. We have a fight.

34:11

We relive that whole scenario, except then we start adding our own little two cents in there.

34:16

And we really give it to her. We tell her what for we'd said,

34:20

leave her in a blob of tears. And now emotions.

34:23

We just let her have it all just in one for everything.

34:27

We've been wanting to say, we say to her and we don't hold back both barrels in the mush. Bam.

34:33

You know, we do though.

34:36

The only problem is, is that when you do things like that.

34:41

You start to show up to your wife in a very disrespectful manner.

34:46

If you don't show up to her with respect, you're going to show up as being disrespectful.

34:54

She's going to pick up on those clues.

34:57

And then you're not going to be emotionally safe, emotionally trustworthy.

35:05

So be, when you catch yourself having those mental arguments,

35:10

stop and actually well

35:13

don't stop cold turkey or all the way

35:16

stop just beating it beating

35:20

her down let enter in your mind and that mental thought this sounds weird but

35:24

try it man it's you you'll see a change around maybe two three four weeks down

35:30

the road but stop winning and let just let Let her win in your thoughts.

35:38

Just let her have that discussion, that winning.

35:41

So she's, you're, you're blah, blah, blah.

35:44

You come up with her own, the own story as to why she can't and you accept it.

35:51

All right. And just let it go.

35:55

Because one, it's not a fight. It's just a mental fight.

35:59

It has no bearing other than on you. you. So if you're letting her have it and

36:02

you're just telling her what for, then she has, you know, you're going to show up as not caring.

36:09

Yet, if you stop having the mental fights with her and you just go ahead and

36:14

just let her win every time she, every time you want to have a mental fight

36:18

with her. Okay. It's better.

36:21

It becomes better. You start showing up better. You start showing up caring.

36:25

You start respecting her more. Another way that you can actually increase the intimacy And this happens more

36:32

with when you are actually dating your girl again,

36:40

is you're being curious.

36:43

You actually start becoming curious about her. You start asking her about her day.

36:47

And when she says something, why that?

36:51

And you start asking the questions and letting her talk.

36:54

You can just ask questions. She'll love to tell you all about her day.

36:58

Hey, she'll love to share it. All you have to do is keep asking the questions and she'll talk all night long

37:05

and think you're the greatest man in the world because you let her talk.

37:10

Don't try to fix nothing. Just ask questions. Let her decide where she wants to go.

37:17

And the last thing about how to get her to get the emotional challenges to fade away,

37:26

way and this goes with the texts and the and the love notes but actually show gratitude.

37:34

Be grateful for what she does.

37:38

Get rid of the scarcity mindset of no sex.

37:42

And just be grateful for the fact that you have a spouse.

37:46

Someone who is willing to at least give you a handjob.

37:49

Someone who's at least willing to look at you in the eyes. Someone who's at

37:53

least willing to hug you. Someone who is at least willing to say, I love you.

37:59

Someone who's at least willing to cook

38:03

you supper from time to time are you

38:06

willing to be grateful for all the things she does for you are you willing to

38:11

be grateful for all the things she has done for you if so awesome keep telling

38:18

yourself what those are but then also tell her why you are grateful for what she's doing.

38:26

Tell her how much that, you know, that tater tot casserole.

38:31

How grateful are you that she made that tater tot casserole? Tell her, let her know.

38:36

Why is she, why are you grateful that she put away your socks?

38:41

Why are you grateful that she swept the living room? Why are you grateful for whatever?

38:46

Why are you grateful that she's still sleeping in the bed beside you?

38:50

Start telling her you don't have to

38:53

bombard her with all of them but you know once a day go by

38:55

say hey sweetheart sugar buns

38:59

sugar booger you know i'm grateful

39:01

for the fact that you give me a kiss good morning every morning and just give

39:08

her a kiss go show gratitude let her know how much you appreciate her whether

39:14

it's small insignificant things doesn't matter whether whether she's doing it back to you or not.

39:19

That's not the important part. The important part is that you're showing her gratitude.

39:24

The 100, give 100, expect zero principle.

39:29

What if you gave, I'll share a link with it in the show notes,

39:34

but it is, what if you gave 100% and expected zero in return?

39:40

This is a crucial part of having an intimate marriage.

39:47

Give 100%. Don't expect anything in return. return.

39:52

It's because if she does give you something in return, she does return the favor.

39:55

That's added bonus, man. You weren't even expecting that. It's added bonus. That's icing on top of the cake.

40:02

Well, if you sit around being the nice guy expecting something in return,

40:07

guess what's going to happen? You're going to get resentful. You're going to get mad because she's not completing

40:13

her half of the covert contract that you never even told her that you had. Just do it.

40:19

Don't expect expect her to return the favor that's a five-year-old well i'm

40:23

not gonna do it until she does it back well no dude this is a marriage this

40:29

isn't sibling rivalry this is you and your wife,

40:34

going back to back against y'all in the world and if you're sitting there too

40:40

busy well she just doesn't have anything to do with me sexually isn't that's

40:44

not going to do anything to better the situation at all you want to better the

40:49

situation so that she might accidentally be.

40:52

Curious in playing with your

40:55

ding ling all right she may actually

40:58

want to touch your peepee but you've got to give her a reason as to why can

41:05

you do that you can't you can do all that because what's the alternative if

41:10

you let the roommate syndrome come over you let the lack of intimacy come along,

41:16

the lack of intimacy all up and down the board, all five of those fall apart.

41:21

The marriage is going to fall apart. And then you're going to be one of those divorced men.

41:27

Guys, yeah, we may not be making the big money that we used to,

41:32

but we still have the ability to hold on to a good relationship.

41:38

The wife can show up and we can show, we can provide what she needs to provide.

41:43

But if we don't, the marriage will fall apart.

41:46

If we don't grow, the worst, the best that will happen out of a roommate syndrome

41:52

sets in and we do not grow, we have a very unsatisfactory marriage.

41:59

But what typically happens is one person or both people have affairs.

42:06

They go off on their own adventures. And is that the solution you really want to have? Well, at least I'm happy for

42:13

a little bit. Are you really though? Because now you have to deal with a divorce and you have to deal with your kids

42:18

not being with you at all the time. You don't have any of that.

42:22

Sounds like it would be better to go ahead and put a little bit of work into

42:25

your marriage. Run it a little bit. Get out there. Get uncomfortable.

42:30

Because what's going to happen if it falls apart?

42:34

Well, you've now got better skills for dating the next woman.

42:37

So, guys, with that, I want to say thank you all very much for listening.

42:42

If you heard anything that spoke to you, share it out. If you know a fellow

42:49

man who is having problems, who's struggling, share this out to him.

42:54

If you think that it would serve your community, share it out on Facebook and

43:01

Twitter and all the other places. Take a screenshot, share it on Instagram.

43:07

Let the guys out there know. Let these other men know that there is a side out

43:13

there that is out to make sure that men have better lives.

43:18

And we can have better lives when we actually have good relationships.

43:24

Our relationships become stronger and better as we grow.

43:30

Do the work as we, we do these, the struggle of having a better relationship

43:36

with our spouse, having a better relationship with our kids and our boss.

43:41

We can do that. And all you have to do is you have to hit share.

43:44

If this is the first time listening, you liked what you heard, man. Thank you.

43:49

I would recommend you on your, on your, uh, podcast app of choice,

43:54

hit that follow, hit Hit that subscribe,

43:56

hit that like button, whatever it is they have for you so that you can get this

44:02

podcast every Thursday.

44:05

So guys, with that, if you are interested in, maybe you're struggling with a

44:10

relationship and you're trying to get everything back together and you're not

44:16

sure where you're stuck at. You just feel like everything you're doing is just spinning out of control and

44:22

you're losing ground fast. What do you do?

44:26

Well, I would recommend you go to relaxmail.com forward slash coaching offer.

44:30

Right now, I still have openings for coaching clients for $300.

44:37

This is a $6,000 package. I'm giving it to you 95% off.

44:42

Why am I doing that? Because I just want to be able to coach and I want to give

44:47

guys as much value as I can.

44:51

But I'm realizing that it helps to have some skin in the game.

44:56

You have a little skin in the game. You're willing to try just that little bit harder.

45:00

So, man, if you're willing, wanting, and you think your marriage is worth it,

45:07

$300 investment might save you a couple thousand in divorce costs.

45:14

I think it might actually be worth it. I don't know.

45:17

I could be wrong. You may think that the divorce isn't going to be that much.

45:22

It ain't going to cost that much. It ain't going to be that bad. and

45:25

it may not i don't know but if you would

45:28

like to try to keep your wife like to try to keep your your family together

45:33

and you want to see if you can get the best relationship known to man going

45:39

then reach out relaxedmail.com forward slash coaching offer all one word no spaces whatsoever.

45:48

Fill out the form i'll give you a link and we will get it all taken care of

45:53

so guys with that I want to say thank you very much for listening.

45:56

Take care and we will see you next week.

45:59

Music.