0:01

Welcome to the Reload , where we help unconventional

0:03

leaders craft the life they truly want by questioning

0:06

the assumptions they have about how life works

0:08

. My name is Sean and I'll be your

0:10

host on this journey . As

0:12

a performance coach and special operations combat

0:14

veteran , I help high-performing

0:16

executives kick ass in their careers while

0:18

connecting with deeply powerful insights that

0:21

fuel their lives . Well

0:24

, let's get kicking today . Well

0:27

, I guess . Thank you first off for showing

0:29

up and sticking around . Appreciate

0:31

that All

0:34

right , now let's get to business . So

0:36

this

0:38

, oh gosh . Last

0:40

few weeks , I've

0:43

had a lot of interesting conversations

0:45

around the topic of

0:47

anxiety , and

0:50

what's made them so interesting

0:53

is that the

0:55

client or

0:57

the person that I was speaking to because one

0:59

instance that I'm thinking about was

1:01

actually not a client conversation instance

1:06

that I'm thinking about was actually not a client conversation but in

1:08

each instance , the person that I was speaking with did not seem to recognize

1:10

their own sense

1:13

of anxiety in

1:15

the way that they were showing up , and

1:19

I thought it would be quite useful for us

1:21

to sort of take a dive into this

1:24

notion of how

1:27

aggression and

1:29

anxiety play together and

1:32

where it is that individuals who very

1:35

often perceive themselves to be cool

1:38

and calm under pressure , are

1:40

actually operating in

1:42

a constant state of

1:45

anxiety . Now

1:49

, on the show , I think that

1:51

you've often heard me I mean , if you've been

1:53

listening to the show for any length of time you've heard me say

1:55

on repeated instances that

1:57

I am in no way superior

2:00

. All the things

2:02

that I talk about on this show well , maybe

2:04

not all of them , but a

2:06

lot of them I have done

2:08

, felt , done some more felt

2:11

, some more , struggled with , etc

2:13

. Etc . And so there's very

2:16

often a personal story that

2:19

I could put into the

2:21

recording . I don't

2:23

, at least not always , because , I

2:26

don't know , it seems like it might get a little monotonous over

2:28

time , and there's such a

2:30

wealth of stories that are coming in from the

2:32

coaching conversations that I have , but

2:35

today I think it might be useful to

2:37

share one of these stories . So

2:40

I , as

2:42

the intro suggests , spent

2:44

some time in special operations and had

2:47

a couple of combat deployments to Iraq , and

2:50

both of them were pretty nasty , one

2:52

of them more so than the other , and

2:55

during that time , and

2:58

especially during the combat deployments , I think I

3:00

had generally a pretty good reputation I

3:02

think , at least from

3:04

what people have told me and

3:07

I had a reputation for being very , very

3:10

cool under fire , very calm

3:12

, under pressure . And you

3:14

know , there was one particular instance

3:16

where we were getting shot at while

3:18

we were trying to do an

3:21

explosive ordnance disposal procedure , which

3:23

you know is you know it's pretty complicated

3:26

you might think like , okay , that's while

3:28

you're trying to disarm something that goes boom

3:31

is probably also not the time

3:33

that you want to be getting shot at . So

3:35

you know , in response

3:37

to this , like I was sort of calmly

3:40

trying to ask the security vehicles to move

3:42

their position a little bit so that

3:45

the armored vehicle could

3:47

absorb some of the bullets that were coming

3:49

our way and thus keep

3:51

us safer , which to me felt like a very

3:53

prudent and logical thing to do

3:56

, and I don't think anyone's going to argue

3:58

that . But what

4:00

people in the security detail

4:02

said when we got back to the base , after

4:04

we , you know , did the thing , they

4:07

said you know , how is it that you can stay so calm

4:09

when you're

4:11

in such a terrible situation

4:14

? Because I was outside of the armor

4:16

package , so I was getting

4:18

shot at , my

4:21

delicate little skins was

4:23

getting shot at , and so you know , I

4:25

said to them well , I guess

4:27

this is how I look at it , the

4:29

more that the EOD guys freak

4:31

out and lose their focus

4:34

. The longer that we stay in close

4:36

proximity to , or relatively close proximity

4:38

to , something that is going

4:40

to go boom or potentially is going to go boom

4:42

, and

4:44

also the longer that we stay out here , the more attention that we're going to go boom or potentially is going to go boom . And also

4:46

the longer that we stay out here , the more attention that we're going

4:48

to draw and probably more people are going to

4:50

start shooting at us . So we

4:53

should probably stay as calm as possible to

4:55

move through the problem set in

4:57

order to get back to base , which

5:00

you know you can still get shot at on

5:02

base , but there's more

5:04

defensive positioning there

5:06

. So where

5:08

does that leave us ? I

5:12

, for my whole life , have

5:15

been told by friends , family

5:17

, people that knew me at school

5:19

, et cetera , et cetera , that I am this very grounded

5:21

, albeit very intense

5:24

person , that

5:28

I am this very grounded , albeit very intense person . And you might think , oh well , that kind

5:31

of person who is very sort of grounded but can bring a great deal of

5:33

intensity what a perfect

5:35

fit for this type of job where

5:37

he's going to try to safely

5:39

disarm explosive devices

5:41

while getting shot

5:43

at . And I would have said , yeah

5:45

, I mean , god dang

5:48

, what a match made in

5:50

heaven . You know , that's just , that's

5:53

just all right . What

5:56

I would have never agreed to is

5:58

that I was a very anxious person

6:00

. Anxious

6:10

person . And so fast forward a few years , I'm out of the military , I have

6:12

a plethora of PTSD symptoms showing up , and I've already tried therapy

6:14

once or twice , three times , and

6:19

I've done various other methodologies

6:24

to try to alleviate

6:26

these symptoms

6:28

and to really process some

6:31

of the things that happened in country , and

6:33

I

6:36

feel like I've put a lot of work into it . But

6:39

I'm still having these symptoms , and

6:42

one of those symptoms was sleeplessness

6:44

because of nightmares

6:47

or just general , I don't know

6:49

tossing and turning , and

6:51

it was getting really bad . It

6:53

was bad enough that I was falling

6:55

asleep driving places , and

6:57

that's

6:59

bad , that's highly

7:02

irresponsible , and so

7:04

I wanted

7:06

to figure out what was going on there so that I could

7:08

fix that , not only because it was costing

7:11

me personally , but I had the sensation

7:13

that , well , one of these days

7:15

I might fall asleep at the wrong time and

7:18

then other people are going to have a very bad

7:20

day because of me and

7:23

that was something I was definitely not okay with going to have a very bad

7:25

day because of me and that was something I was definitely

7:27

not okay with . So

7:32

I applied to go to a sort of a brain health institute and they

7:34

specialized in mild to moderate PTSD and TBI traumatic brain injury , excuse

7:37

me and

7:39

while I was there I

7:42

had a conversation . So you take this battery

7:44

of tests I mean it's like I think

7:46

you take like a full day of just these various

7:49

cognitive and behavioral

7:52

assessments and

7:54

it is mind numbing . It

7:57

is in no way a fun experience . But you

7:59

know I've been through worse . So you know I fill out all

8:01

the stuff and and then you end up going through

8:04

sort of a debrief conversation with a

8:06

team of neurologists

8:08

, psychologists , neuropsychologists

8:11

I mean it's just a whole crew and

8:14

you're sitting there and they're giving you their

8:16

take on the data

8:19

that came out of your day

8:21

long process of assessments and

8:24

they and one of the

8:26

neuropsychologists she was

8:28

such a direct person , but

8:30

in a very kind way , and I

8:32

probably have yet to master that particular

8:35

trait myself , but I tend

8:37

to , I think , oftentimes

8:39

be too direct without actually being that

8:41

nice about it . So , anyway

8:44

, we're sitting there and

8:46

she says how anxious

8:49

do you think you are If you had

8:51

to rate yourself and

8:53

I said well , is there like a negative rating

8:57

? Can I rate myself in the

8:59

opposite direction of anxious ? And

9:01

she kind of laughed a little bit , I think

9:04

just to humor me . But

9:06

what she pointed out was that

9:08

some of the

9:11

assessments were also filled out

9:13

by people that knew me , and

9:16

what came out in the data is

9:18

that I was way

9:21

, way harder on myself than

9:24

anyone that knew me . And

9:27

combining that and , by

9:29

the way , that is actually something that I also see when

9:31

I do 360s with my clients the

9:34

general trend is that they are way harder

9:36

on themselves than everybody else is

9:38

on them . Not in all

9:40

places , but that's the general

9:42

trend . So , anyway

9:45

, getting back to me , we're

9:48

sitting there and she's putting

9:51

that bit of information together with

9:54

some of the other things that came out of the assessments

9:56

, and she said well , we

9:59

think that you're a very anxious person . And

10:03

I felt

10:05

like she slapped me across the face

10:07

because I had prided myself

10:10

my entire life on being

10:12

cool and calm under pressure

10:14

and I had had some of the worst

10:16

pressure that a human

10:18

being could likely

10:20

go through . I mean , definitely there's

10:22

worse for sure likely

10:24

go through . I mean , definitely there's worse for sure , but I had

10:27

a pretty top shelf high pressure

10:29

experience and

10:31

I thought to myself what the

10:34

fuck Are

10:36

you joking ? I

10:47

am the furthest thing from anxious . And then she started to ask me these questions . You know , how often

10:49

do you feel totally relaxed in a public setting

10:51

? Never Because

10:54

there are threats out there , damn it . I

10:57

mean , I didn't quite say it that way , but that was what was going through my

10:59

head , Okay , and you

11:01

know how often would you say

11:04

that you are , quote unquote , on

11:06

point , like really paying attention

11:08

to what's going on around you , whether it's in the room

11:11

or while you're driving ? How

11:14

often are you surprised ? Never

11:16

because I am paying attention , because

11:18

there are threats out there , damn it , damn

11:22

it . Again , I didn't answer it that way , it just was

11:24

something that was in my head . How

11:34

often are you scanning the

11:37

room or the notional horizon for what-ifs all the time Because

11:43

you

11:47

might see where this is going ? There are threats out there . How

11:54

often do you have contingency plans in mind for all of the just in case ? Always

11:59

Because

12:05

there are threats out there . And wow

12:08

, it was a really eye-opening

12:10

discussion my

12:14

whole life . I thought that I was in

12:19

a really good spot and

12:24

I was in a way . I

12:28

think that it's quite useful for us

12:30

to have the capacity to

12:32

look

12:34

ahead , as it were , to plan

12:37

, to be able to forecast

12:40

that , okay , this might turn into a bad situation

12:42

. I think that there is

12:44

something that

12:46

is woven deep into our genetic

12:48

code . After all , in

12:51

order for us to be here , we are the product

12:53

of others who

12:55

made it , who survived , who

12:58

overcame hardships in order to pass

13:00

on their genes to the

13:02

next generation . So there is something to

13:04

be said for being able

13:07

to be on point

13:09

, for being

13:11

able to predict

13:13

or forecast that there might be threats , might

13:15

be threats out

13:18

there . But

13:21

the problem is when we

13:23

fixate on this

13:25

always ready , always vigilant

13:28

, always scanning , never

13:31

caught off guard way

13:34

of being it costs

13:36

us , it takes up a lot of bandwidth

13:39

to always be scanning and

13:41

to always be thinking about what would

13:43

I do if ? And

13:46

to be constantly playing what ifs in

13:48

our mind . And

13:52

in the modern day , most

13:54

of my clients do not have to worry about

13:56

some sort of physical attack

13:58

, but

14:01

they definitely worry about attacks

14:04

from competitors . They

14:07

call them competitors and

14:09

, by definition , they are competitors

14:11

. They're not collaborators in the market , they are competitors

14:14

in the market . But

14:18

some of my clients , some of

14:20

them , have a double dose , meaning

14:23

they come from very traumatized

14:25

childhoods where they were physically

14:27

, mentally , emotionally

14:30

, spiritually or the

14:32

whole buffet sometimes abused

14:35

and

14:38

it wove into them , at the deepest

14:40

level possible , a

14:44

viewpoint of

14:46

the world . That said , it is full

14:48

of threats and I must

14:51

be prepared at all

14:53

times because

14:55

to be unprepared is going

14:57

to mean real pain . You

15:10

know , none of that bullshit . Like this is just sort of a wound to my ego , kind of pain

15:12

, but like real pain , like like this is going to physically injure

15:14

me , kind of pain . And

15:16

I'm being sarcastic there , right , because even the egoic

15:19

exit , quote unquote , existential

15:21

threats are also real pain . They're

15:24

just not physical pain typically , and

15:30

so this takes up a lot of

15:32

time , it takes up a lot of energy and

15:36

it fatigues us and it tightens us

15:38

. You

15:40

know , when I was looking at getting into

15:42

the military , I used to think , man , I want to be the hardest

15:44

dude out there , I

15:46

want to be hardened because I'm going to go

15:48

into a bad place and

15:51

in order to survive that bad place

15:53

I've got to be hard . And

15:56

I thought I was and

15:59

perhaps other people would say , yeah , you were

16:01

, but then again

16:03

, what I was

16:05

also was

16:07

rigid and

16:10

rigid . Things snap , and

16:14

that's what happened to me . There was enough

16:16

stress , long enough that

16:19

I snapped and

16:22

I've mentioned it in the past that

16:24

you know I had real struggles

16:26

with suicidal ideation , real

16:30

moments where I had my gun to

16:32

my head and was slowly

16:34

starting to squeeze the trigger , and

16:37

each time something popped

16:39

up that allowed me to get

16:42

through that moment . Thankfully , you

16:45

know , if you're listening

16:47

to my show and you don't like it , I don't know , maybe you're not thankful

16:50

, but in either case , for

16:52

me , these moments where

16:55

I was rigid , I

16:57

was more oak tree than

16:59

willow and

17:04

I think that that often sets sort of

17:06

a false polarity

17:09

. Do you want to be the oak tree or do you want to be the willow ? I

17:12

don't think you have to choose between either

17:14

of them . I think you get to try

17:16

to be both in a weird way . But

17:20

a lot of times when I work with executives that are sort

17:22

of hardened by life , hardened

17:26

by years of competition in

17:28

very competitive market spaces , or

17:31

, if I'm dealing with special operations

17:33

, combat veterans , the trend is the same Rigidity

17:44

versus resilience . They

17:47

don't have the capacity to throttle down

17:49

, they don't have the capacity to shift gears

17:52

. They don't have the capacity

17:54

to look out at their world and not see

17:56

just threats spilling

17:59

all over each other . And

18:04

what I would wish for them is for them to

18:06

be able to have the capacity to

18:08

engage that threat

18:10

aware mindset and the ability

18:12

to respond , but then

18:14

also to be able to shift gears and to recognize

18:17

, like , okay , yeah , I don't need to be on high alert

18:19

all the time . I certainly

18:21

don't need to be so ingrained on

18:23

high alert that I do it unconsciously

18:25

all the time and

18:29

I can give myself back some , some

18:31

energy , I can give myself back some

18:33

relaxation

18:35

. Fuck you

18:37

know , I don't have to be so tight all the time

18:39

. And

18:42

if you look at the definition of anxious it

18:44

is an adjective , in case anyone is confused

18:46

about that and the very first definition

18:49

in miriam webster that pops out is characterized

18:52

by extreme uneasiness of mind

18:54

or brooding fear about some contingency

18:56

, characterized

19:01

by resulting from or causing

19:03

anxiety . It's

19:05

a little bit circular . If

19:07

we look at the word history because you know

19:09

how I love the word history comes

19:12

from Latin anxius worried

19:15

, disturbed , uneasy , marked by or

19:18

inducing anxiety or distress

19:20

, An

19:22

adjective derivative from the base

19:24

of angere

19:26

I'm not sure how to pronounce that

19:28

which meant to choke , cause

19:31

pain , to afflict or

19:33

vex . First known use

19:35

1548

19:38

. Boom , right

19:40

. So here we are thinking

19:43

that we're cool , under pressure and

19:45

yet the whole time operating

19:48

from this vexed , agitated

19:52

position of looking for

19:54

threats , and

19:56

before you just start throwing your

19:59

phone all over the place and telling me God damn

20:01

it , sean , there are threats out there . Yes , I know

20:03

, I was in a fucking combat zone

20:05

. I know that there are threats out there and

20:07

I know that there are threats at home as well , and

20:10

there are people in every country who

20:12

go home to very physically unsafe

20:15

households where

20:18

they're mistreated by the people that should

20:20

be loving them the most . I get that should be loving

20:22

them the most . I get that . And

20:25

if somebody is in that unsafe

20:27

environment , then

20:35

, yes , I would implore them to use whatever means they could within whatever

20:37

legal means . This

20:41

is getting a bit slippery . Obviously , if you have to defend your own life

20:43

, that is clearly , I think , something that most legal systems are accepting . But , you

20:46

know , do your best to get out of that scenario . Leave

20:50

, can you stay with friends ? Can you drop

20:53

out of sight , you know ? So

20:55

, yes , I'm not

20:57

naive . I

21:04

know that there are real threats out there , but

21:08

I also know that there are not always threats

21:10

present , and I know that when I was in

21:12

that state , and am

21:14

I still that way , I think that I've done a lot . I

21:16

think that I've managed to make a lot of progress on that front

21:18

, that I'm not constantly

21:20

viewing life

21:22

as full of threats , and

21:27

some of the corroboration of my

21:29

internal assessment of that is

21:31

that I feel less tense

21:33

generally , I feel

21:35

more relaxed . I actually wear

21:37

an aura ring , so

21:40

then that tracks a lot of my stress

21:42

levels throughout the day and quantitatively

21:45

, it seems to be going in the right direction . People

21:48

around me seem to suggest that I'm not quite

21:50

as intense anymore , and

21:53

a lot of my intensity was driven

21:55

by the

21:57

perception of threat . I just

21:59

didn't jump up and down and I

22:02

wasn't super excitable because

22:05

I felt like , okay , well , I need to stay

22:07

calm and I need to be focused and I need to be ready

22:10

to hit it if I have to . But

22:15

I came to realize that , yeah , I

22:17

am kind of an anxious person , and

22:19

so what did I want to do about that ? Did

22:23

I want to live on high alert for the rest

22:25

of my days ? No

22:27

, no , no , no , no , no

22:29

. Now

22:33

there's another sort

22:36

of offshoot to this conversation

22:38

that I was having . Well , one of the conversations

22:40

that I think is also germane

22:42

to this general discussion

22:45

, and that is where it is that

22:47

there's a history of aggression and fighting

22:49

. You may not fight

22:51

with your fists , but what

22:53

about other ways ? You may not fight with your fists

22:55

, but what about other ways ? Maybe you fight with your words , your

22:58

tone of voice . That was , oh man

23:01

. If this is the

23:03

show and tell hour , I guess I'm

23:05

showing and telling here . So that

23:08

was another thing . For

23:30

years , my entire life , I have heard from

23:32

friends , family and girlfriends that

23:34

voice and knowing what

23:37

would really , really really

23:39

hurt them emotionally , and

23:42

I'm not proud of that . And

23:45

with each passing year , as

23:47

I look back at the way that I used to be , it's

23:51

like God , you know what

23:54

was I thinking ? Or , more importantly

23:57

, what was I feeling , what

24:00

was behind that reactionary

24:03

way of being ? Because

24:05

there are times . I remember one time my dad

24:07

came out . Oh God , I don't

24:09

want to talk about this , but

24:11

I will because I think

24:13

it will benefit you . My

24:15

dad came out and I'd been reading

24:17

some book I don't remember some

24:20

book for pleasure

24:22

at the kitchen counter

24:25

and I'd been by myself

24:27

, I don't know , for maybe an hour or so , and

24:30

my dad came into the kitchen

24:32

and he said , hey . And

24:42

my dad came into the kitchen and he said , hey , you might want to think about

24:44

how it is that you react to people , because

24:49

you have this way of putting poison in your voice and your

24:51

mom's been in the bedroom crying for the last couple hours

24:53

based on something that you said to her . So

24:57

I don't know . It

25:00

might be worth thinking about what's

25:02

going on and how you treat people . And

25:07

that was so devastating

25:13

for me , because

25:20

the real devastating part was I had no idea

25:22

what I had said to my mom . It

25:27

was such an ingrained reaction that I had no idea what was going on . I

25:29

was completely on autopilot . She must have said something that some part of me didn't

25:31

like and that some part of me

25:33

decided to give

25:36

her a taste . And

25:40

the fact that I couldn't remember what

25:42

I had said . I had zero

25:44

consciousness of

25:46

it . If you put a gun to my head , I would not have been able

25:48

to tell you what I said , and

25:52

the way that my dad delivered that bit

25:55

of news was

25:58

so much more effective than if he had yelled at me

26:00

or scolded me . If

26:03

he had tried that , I probably would have entrenched and

26:06

doubled down and just been like , wow , she

26:08

probably deserved it and

26:10

you're not going to tell me what to do . But

26:14

he , he didn't , he just made

26:16

an observation . Now , obviously

26:19

he made it pointedly . I

26:22

mean he definitely was trying to get me to pay

26:24

attention and learn something . But

26:27

it was so much more effective than him yelling at me

26:29

or trying to punish

26:32

me for it Because it was

26:34

punishment enough for

26:38

me to think , oh gosh , you

26:42

know I love my parents and sure

26:45

we piss each other off sometimes , and

26:47

all family members seem to have that trait . But

26:52

what was it in me that

26:55

felt that it needed to be so

26:57

reactive ? Now

27:02

, when someone in your life

27:05

tells you that they're not competitive or that they

27:07

don't fight , well

27:12

, similar to the anxiety piece , they might

27:17

be so unconscious of the

27:19

way that they fight that

27:22

they don't even recognize where they're

27:25

positioned , sort

27:27

of mentally and emotionally

27:29

. And with my

27:31

type of client I would say , yeah , most of them do

27:33

not fight with their fists . And with my type of client , I

27:35

would say yeah , most of them do not fight with their fists and they , I think , in many ways

27:37

kind of look down on that as being somewhat

27:39

barbaric . Personally , I do think

27:41

that there is some value to knowing how to physically

27:44

defend yourself and

27:50

I also think that there is real character development that comes from being punched in the

27:52

face , because it humbles you and it teaches you . Ah

27:55

, actual violence

27:57

is a thing that I do not want to

27:59

engage in unless it is really important

28:01

, meaning I'm defending my life

28:04

or I'm defending the life of someone I love

28:06

, because when you've actually been exposed

28:08

to real physical violence it

28:10

tends to shift your lens a little

28:12

bit and you're like huh , okay , that

28:15

can get pretty serious . So

28:17

I do think there's some value to it . But

28:19

if you run into somebody who says that

28:22

they don't fight , they

28:24

would never condone such behavior , go

28:26

ahead and tell them that their idea is stupid and

28:29

then see what they do , because

28:32

typically with my kind of client again

28:34

, they don't tend to fight with their fists , but

28:36

they sure as shit will

28:39

throw down and go to war if

28:42

you critique their ideas

28:44

, because they

28:46

see their ideas as their worth

28:48

and thus it

28:51

is their sense of self that you are attacking

28:53

. So

29:01

that's just a little I don't know interesting

29:03

tidbit , I guess . But

29:22

when we continued to dive down into this history of aggression . At some point we kind and really sort

29:24

of dispassionately evaluate all the different combative instances that we've experienced

29:27

, and

29:29

whether they're physical or whether they're simply an exchange

29:31

of words . And

29:35

then we have to ask ourselves huh , am I the common

29:37

denominator here ? Yeah , most likely . If you have repeated

29:39

instances of altercations , physical

29:42

or otherwise , then

29:44

you , I think , would really benefit from

29:46

thinking about you being the common element

29:48

in all those encounters . Now

29:52

, is it statistically impossible that

29:54

you're finding all the disagreeable

29:56

people in the world ? Well

29:59

, no , I guess I can't say that it's statistically

30:01

impossible , but it's not likely

30:03

. It's really truly not likely

30:05

. And

30:10

you might be thinking that is unfair

30:13

, sean . There's no , you

30:15

don't understand . I'm

30:18

minding my own business and

30:21

then people mess with me . Or

30:25

, alternatively , I don't know

30:27

what's an reasonable

30:32

request and people

30:34

continue to just dishonor

30:37

the requests that I have . They're

30:41

pushing into my boundaries . That

30:46

may be true and in fact

30:48

in certain instances it probably is true . But

30:51

if there is a history of aggression

30:53

and fighting , most

30:56

likely you are the common element

30:58

in all of those encounters because

31:00

you were the one that was there every time . And

31:04

if the cast of characters is being

31:06

changed out in terms of

31:08

the people you're fighting with . Yeah

31:11

, you're , you know

31:13

you're it . And

31:17

it's not to say that the violence or the aggression

31:19

or the conflict is not justified . Again

31:22

, there are going to be times where it is , but

31:24

that's not a get out of jail free

31:26

card , so to speak . So

31:31

it's taking a look at what

31:33

. What are you projecting unconsciously

31:36

into the world ? Come

31:42

on , sean , I don't project

31:45

unconsciously . My mind is

31:47

a steel trap , sharp , always

31:49

on guard . I know exactly what I'm doing

31:52

every moment that I'm doing it . Hmm

31:56

, hmm , okay , probably

31:59

bullshit . There's

32:03

so much about the way that we carry ourselves

32:05

that shows up unconsciously , and

32:08

humans have evolved for

32:12

millennia , which is a

32:14

long time , in case anyone doesn't know , to

32:17

be aware of posture

32:19

, to be aware of facial

32:22

expressions , micro expressions

32:24

, and , yes , there is variability

32:26

from culture to culture . But within

32:28

your culture , you

32:31

have a very highly

32:34

tuned and adept way

32:36

of reading a room . I've

32:38

had so many clients who have said things like

32:40

yeah , I wasn't sure what was going on , but as soon as

32:43

I walked in the room , it just felt off . That's

32:46

not ESP . I mean , you walk in

32:48

and you can sense , you get this sort

32:50

of micro snapshot of how people are carrying themselves . You get this sort of micro snapshot

32:52

of how people are carrying themselves . Are

32:55

they laughing , are they relaxed , or are

32:57

people looking down at the desk or the table

33:00

, because right before you

33:02

walked in the room there was some big ass chewing

33:04

that happened of one of the people in

33:06

the room . I don't , I mean

33:08

whatever . I mean the , the . The examples are too

33:11

numerous to spell out

33:13

here , but we've we

33:15

have most likely all had experiences

33:17

where we just couldn't put our

33:19

finger on it , but we knew something wasn't

33:21

right . And so

33:24

much of that is the human

33:26

animal's ability to

33:28

, on an

33:30

unconscious level , understand body

33:34

language , what

33:36

is being expressed without words , because

33:40

in reality , that is the majority of human

33:42

communication , and that's part

33:44

of the reason why text , whether

33:47

that's email or whether that's text

33:49

messages , can be

33:51

so inflammatory , because nobody

33:53

knows Like . Is this a joke ? Is this ? Should

33:57

I take this seriously ? Where's my emoji

34:00

? To let me know ? Oh , ha , ha

34:02

, lol , har

34:05

, har , har . So

34:07

this body language projection

34:10

piece is quite important . And

34:13

how is it that you carry yourself

34:15

? What

34:19

is the set of your facial expression

34:21

? What is the set of

34:23

your shoulders ? How do you make

34:25

eye contact ? Do

34:28

you just stare at the ground and sort of

34:30

huddle into yourself . And

34:32

this is kind of an interesting little exercise , impromptu

34:35

exercise that we can do on the fly Curl

34:38

yourself in , look down at the floor

34:40

furtive glances up

34:42

and then immediately back down and

34:46

curl those shoulders over , right , so

34:48

you're just sort of curling into yourself . How

34:51

does that feel ? Does it feel

34:53

confident ? Some

34:55

people live there in

34:57

that posture not just because

34:59

of their phones . They

35:02

live in that space because they're scared . I

35:06

had an employee once who would look

35:08

at the floor and

35:12

there's that joke how can you tell the difference

35:14

between an introverted engineer and an extroverted

35:16

engineer ? Well , the extroverted

35:19

engineer will look at your shoes instead of

35:21

his own shoes or her own shoes . But

35:25

boom , I think I have like

35:27

a sound effect that I could make , but I'll

35:29

just stick with that . Now

35:32

, alternatively , thrust

35:34

your chin forward and your chest

35:36

out like really exaggerated

35:39

and just chest up , chin

35:42

up , really getting in somebody's

35:44

face . How

35:46

does that feel ? That posture Does

35:50

it feel , I don't know , aggressive

35:53

maybe , and

35:55

then allow yourself to try to find the middle ground

35:57

between those two . And

36:00

what is your facial expression doing ? And how

36:02

long do you hold somebody's eyes ? I

36:06

was having a conversation with a friend of mine recently

36:10

and yeah , the

36:12

conversation came up . And yeah

36:14

, the conversation came up . If

36:19

a man in most societies at least , if a man looks at another man who he doesn't know and makes

36:21

direct eye contact for more than 1-1000

36:25

, 2-1000 , then

36:28

chances are that other man is going to start to wonder

36:30

if something's up . And

36:33

I think , again , there's this element of sort

36:35

of animal ancestry

36:37

, and if you watch two wild animals

36:40

stare at each other , there will

36:42

shortly be a contest of dominance

36:45

. Who is

36:47

running the show here ? Now

36:50

, if you know each other , then eye contact

36:53

isn't threatening anymore . It's not

36:55

something that inspires

36:57

concern over

36:59

the pecking order , but

37:01

we have this animalistic side of us and

37:05

so quite frequently when

37:07

I've worked with individuals who have a sort of a history

37:10

of run-ins and they're

37:13

coming from the perspective of man , I

37:16

must find all the assholes in the world . Chances

37:21

are no . Actually there's something going on

37:23

in the way that you project yourself

37:25

. And

37:27

for those coaches out there or people

37:30

out there that are more into sort of there

37:39

, that are more into sort of energy , which I don't know Science hasn't explained everything

37:41

to me there might be something about energy in terms of how we're

37:43

projecting ourselves , not

37:46

just a physical manifestation

37:49

or physical expression , but sort of energetically

37:52

. Are you putting vibes out in the world of

37:54

, yeah , don't fuck with me ? Because

37:57

, oddly enough , a lot

37:59

of times when we put out a vibe of don't fuck with me , people

38:02

come fuck with me and

38:04

it's just like huh . It's weird how I attract

38:06

this and

38:09

I have coached people through

38:11

all kinds of attraction issues

38:13

, negative attraction , whether

38:17

it's from a dating perspective or problems

38:20

with team members , or problems with an employer

38:22

, or you know , I always

38:24

seem to find the company that's just terrible

38:27

. You know , looks so good on the surface

38:29

and then when I become a member of the company

38:31

, employee of the company , then

38:33

I start to just see

38:35

all the dysfunction and all the infighting and

38:37

et cetera , et cetera . I was

38:40

like , okay , well , what

38:42

about ? You might be attracting that . Or

38:46

, alternatively , how are you potentially

38:48

unconsciously looking for

38:51

it ? Is

38:53

there something inside of you that believes

38:55

, yeah , that's what I deserve

38:57

? And I had a client

39:00

and she

39:02

had a terrible track record with men

39:04

, men who treated her very poorly and

39:08

consciously , explicitly

39:11

, she would argue to her last breath

39:14

that she felt that

39:16

she didn't deserve that and

39:21

that she was certainly not looking for it . That

39:24

would be absurd . But

39:29

when we started to peel back

39:31

the layers , we started to see some of

39:33

the traumas that she had been subjected to by

39:35

her mother and

39:38

a couple of weird things that happened

39:40

between her and her dad . We

39:43

started to see , maybe , okay , maybe there's

39:45

a part of you that doesn't feel that

39:48

it deserves better . There's

39:50

a part of you potentially that feels that

39:53

, yeah , there's

40:15

a part of you potentially that feels that , yeah , being with a partner that betrays me , being

40:17

with a partner who mistreats me , being with a partner who I feel I cannot trust , I cannot let

40:19

my guard down around , thereby affirming that I have to stay in this ever-present

40:22

vigilance and anxiousness . There was something inside of her that was motivated in that direction

40:24

and

40:28

a lot of it in that particular instance

40:30

came from deep down not feeling that she

40:33

deserved better and

40:38

, coupled with that , truly

40:40

at a deep level , not loving herself , loving her own sense

40:43

of self . So the

40:45

human psyche does some pretty weird shit and

40:53

it often runs itself in circles that are very counterproductive

40:56

. But again , if we look at the data

40:58

and we see a common history and

41:04

the common denominator in that history is you , then

41:06

it's beneficial to start to look at . Hmm

41:08

, what am I putting out there ? Or

41:12

what

41:15

am I unconsciously seeking ? I had friends

41:17

in the special operations community who would put their

41:19

hand up to go on combat deployment after combat

41:21

deployment , after combat deployment . If anybody got hurt

41:24

or killed , they

41:26

would first one's hands up , boom , I'll

41:28

go . And

41:31

there was one colleague I don't want to call

41:33

him a friend because he definitely was not a friend but

41:35

there was a colleague that I had in

41:37

Fallujah , and Fallujah was

41:39

terrible . Fallujah , fallujah

41:44

cost us a lot of lives my unit , uh

41:46

, and and other units as well and

41:50

he had already done a seven month

41:52

deployment Actually , it

41:54

was longer than that , I think it was like a nine month deployment

41:57

. And then he volunteered to

42:00

stay with us because somebody

42:02

had gotten hurt , and

42:04

so then he went through

42:06

that , the rest of that deployment , which he

42:09

came to us with

42:12

six months left . So he'd done nine , now

42:15

six , so 15 , right

42:17

, I'm bad with math . And

42:20

then he volunteered to stay even longer , and I

42:22

don't know what the United States Marine Corps was thinking , but

42:25

they approved it . And then he finally

42:27

had heart complications due to stress

42:29

. Who would have thought

42:31

, you know , doing more than 15

42:34

months of straight combat

42:37

in a very hot area

42:39

of operations would lead

42:41

to cardiovascular complications , like no

42:44

shit really . But

42:50

turns out his life back home

42:52

was in the shitter . Wife

42:55

wanted to divorce him , kids hated him

42:58

, and I honestly

43:00

believe he and I were not on

43:02

close enough terms for us to delve

43:04

into this kind of topic . But I

43:06

honestly believe , in looking

43:08

at what some of my friends have

43:11

done , I

43:13

think some of them wanted to die because

43:16

they felt a lot of pain when they would get home . Things

43:19

at home were really bad and they didn't know how to solve it . They

43:22

didn't know how to fix it , and

43:25

so they would just put their hand up to go back into combat

43:27

and maybe something

43:29

out there will take care of this for

43:32

me by killing me , because

43:34

I can't bring myself to kill myself . So

43:40

again , we do weird things

43:42

. Humans are very strange creatures

43:44

and they have very

43:46

odd ways of trying to deal

43:48

with stressors , especially stressors . They feel they

43:50

cannot escape , and

43:53

that is a big part of coaching is

43:55

to and therapy for that matter to

43:58

give people options

44:00

, to give people the sense that

44:02

, oh shit , okay , yeah , I actually can

44:05

find a way out of this box . Now

44:15

one final topic , I guess , that I wanted

44:17

to cover tonight is

44:19

this idea of where it is that we are still

44:21

fighting even though we have power , and

44:26

that often it's

44:29

a function of still feeling

44:31

insecure . Now

44:34

we have righteous fighting , I

44:37

believe . Right , there's , there's

44:39

, it's typically things that are condoned

44:42

or approved maybe

44:44

not openly approved , potentially , but

44:46

at least condoned of and accepted

44:48

by our society . Self-defense

44:52

, for instance , you

44:54

can kill another

44:56

human being , which is

44:58

normally one of the worst

45:00

taboos in a

45:02

culture killing one of

45:04

your fellow society members but

45:08

you can do it and generally

45:10

have a sense of approval from the

45:12

society if you

45:15

are acting in self-defense , self-defense

45:17

. And

45:20

then you can also do it if

45:22

your loved one

45:24

is an eminent threat

45:27

to their life . And

45:34

then things start to get a little fuzzy once

45:36

we get outside of sort of the family and where it

45:38

is that good Samaritans who are attempting

45:40

to fight for somebody

45:42

that is being victimized on the street , I

45:52

don't know , at least from a legal perspective in the United States is not a clear

45:54

case you start to wonder about well , what

45:56

is somebody's motive ? And well , were

45:59

they really acting in defense

46:01

of that person ? It

46:11

becomes much fuzzier , but we still generally have a sense that if we are defending ourselves or somebody

46:13

else , that typically the average person is like yeah , that seems pretty

46:15

fair . If

46:19

we're defending a child , for instance

46:21

, then all of a sudden , oh yeah

46:23

, yeah , we want

46:26

to encourage that behavior Because

46:29

collectively there's a recognition that

46:31

our children are physically helpless

46:33

and that they need

46:36

to be protected when

46:39

there is a physical threat present . So

46:43

that is one style of fighting

46:46

. When

46:48

we are in this sort of righteous fighting

46:50

, I

46:55

don't know . I think generally that can be a good thing . It can be a good thing

46:57

for us to recognize what are boundaries worth protecting

46:59

and then protecting those boundaries . Are

47:02

boundaries worth protecting and then protecting those boundaries

47:04

? Going

47:09

back to that physical posture exercise , I'm not trying to convince you and I don't think

47:11

I would actually even condone people adopting

47:13

this passive victim

47:15

posture where they're sort of

47:17

caved in and they can't make

47:19

eye contact , where

47:23

they're sort of caved in and they can't make

47:25

eye contact . At

47:29

the same time , I think that second posture where your chin is jetted forward and your

47:31

chest is thrust out and it's kind of this like yeah , I'm going to come at you . I don't

47:33

think you should be the aggressor either , but

47:37

being able to calmly and decisively

47:40

defend a boundary can be very powerful

47:43

, and I think

47:45

that distinguishes itself the

47:47

righteous fighting from egoic

47:50

fighting . Egoic

47:53

fighting is typically a result

47:55

of where we feel insecure

47:58

and we're flaring up because something inside

48:00

of us feels that it's unsafe

48:02

. But just because something feels

48:05

unsafe doesn't mean that we actually are unsafe

48:07

. Oftentimes it's these long-entrenched

48:10

, long-standing insecurities

48:12

that cause us to pop

48:15

out and to show

48:18

up in this very reactive

48:20

oh , do you want some Right

48:22

? Whether it's questioning somebody's

48:24

idea , whether it's well

48:27

, one of my friends used to say mean what

48:30

did he say ? Mean mugging , mean mug

48:32

. Someone like mug is in your facial expression

48:34

. Well , that guy was mean mugging

48:36

me , was he ? Or

48:39

was he just looking in

48:41

your general direction ? And you happen to be in the way

48:43

? So you know , there's

48:46

all kinds of ways that we

48:48

flare up over things that we perceive to be threats

48:50

that are not . And

48:52

if you need some food

48:54

for thought on this , just think about your reactions to

48:57

your family , you

49:00

know , your wife , your husband , your partner , whatever . Think

49:02

about the ways in which you have become

49:05

highly defensive over an innocent observation

49:08

or some offhand

49:10

comment or something they said that

49:12

wasn't even meant for you and that you feel

49:14

like you've got to die on that

49:16

hill , especially

49:21

if you are a person who has

49:23

worked to achieve power . Now

49:28

that power can be positional , can

49:30

be the boss , and

49:33

I have clients who they're

49:37

the boss and they , unfortunately

49:40

, when they're triggered and their lower

49:43

self takes over instead of their higher

49:45

self , they bully , to

49:48

put it bluntly , because they have

49:50

the authority , and then they rant

49:52

and rave and yell physically yell

49:55

, scream and

49:57

cow people into submission because

50:00

they're the boss and they determine whether someone

50:02

continues to work there or not . Or

50:08

alternatively , power can be I

50:11

don't know . You spent years learning martial

50:13

arts so

50:16

that from a physical threat

50:18

perspective , maybe

50:21

you should be walking around with that quiet confidence

50:24

. But if

50:26

you're not , if

50:28

you're jumping at every single provocation

50:30

and I know

50:33

, from your perspective it

50:35

might seem justified

50:37

. But again

50:39

we have to look at what is the stuff that

50:41

we're putting into the world ? Or

50:43

where do we keep putting ourselves

50:46

into environments that

50:48

are going to exacerbate a

50:50

competitive or argumentative

50:52

space ? Maybe

50:56

you're not quite as secure as you like to think you

50:58

are . Maybe you're not quite as secure as you like to think

51:01

you are , in which case it's not

51:03

generally a matter of getting

51:06

more title or power

51:10

in a formal sense . It's

51:18

generally

51:20

not a function of getting more training so that you can be deadlier with your

51:22

fists of fury . It has more to do with where you are on the inside

51:26

, where you are in , truly accepting

51:29

that , yeah

51:31

, you're quite capable now . You're

51:39

not the person who was victimized when you were younger , that

51:46

you actually have strength and skills that you have attained over

51:49

the years that were not present when you were little . And

51:51

if you want to go on to sort

51:53

of a real Jedi level to

51:55

recognize that , no matter how much

51:58

power you amass or no matter how deadly

52:00

you become with your fists

52:02

of fury and your concealed carry weapon

52:05

and whatever else you might have as

52:07

physical protection , there's

52:09

always going to be somebody or something

52:11

out there that's going

52:13

to be more dangerous and

52:15

that you will not match . And

52:20

it is the willingness to walk

52:22

in the world , the

52:24

willingness to walk in a world that does

52:26

legitimately have threats , but

52:30

to walk in that world that

52:33

does have threats , without

52:36

the compulsion

52:38

to carry armor , whether

52:44

that's literal or figurative . That

52:47

, my friends , if

52:49

you can get to that place deep

52:52

inside yourself , then

53:09

it will never matter if something or someone physically hurts you

53:11

or throws hurtful words your way

53:13

or criticizes your ideas . You will be beyond it . I

53:17

wish I could say that I am there . I

53:20

have moments , and

53:23

then I have a lot of moments where I'm not there , so

53:28

it's a real journey for me as well . Anyway

53:36

, I think I've done this one to death at this point and my brain is getting a little fuzzy

53:38

, so I think I'm going to call it right here . If

53:41

you're enjoying the show , I'd love it if you would

53:43

, oh gosh , like

53:46

subscribe , follow , leave

53:48

a review . If you really want to go the extra

53:50

mile , that would be amazing , or

53:55

don't . It's totally up to you . But

53:58

until next time , take care of each other

54:00

.