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Welcome to the reload , where we help unconventional

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leaders craft the life they truly want by questioning

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the assumptions they have about how life works

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. My name is Sean and I'll be your

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host on this journey . As

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a performance coach and special operations combat

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veteran , I help high performing executives kick

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ass in their careers while connecting

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with deeply powerful insights that fuel their lives

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. So

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today's episode is

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very much in keeping

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with the last couple weeks episodes

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in that I

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don't know , for some reason I've been really connected to these kind

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of bite sized little morsels

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of coaching information

0:41

, largely fueled by

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conversations that I've

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been having with clients

0:48

of mine and

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, to be clear , I have a great deal

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of respect for my clients . I

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think that they are attempting generally to

0:58

do pretty big things in the world , not that

1:00

that is the only measure of respect

1:02

for an individual , but

1:05

they're attempting to do that while also

1:07

really truly attempting to be good

1:09

people , attempting to be

1:11

better leaders , better

1:14

humans , more compassionate

1:16

, more patient , more understanding

1:19

, more aware and

1:23

it's that last piece , being more

1:25

aware , being more conscious

1:27

of how they show up in the world and the

1:29

impact that they have in this world and

1:32

on the people in their life . It's

1:36

that last one that I want to talk about . Over

1:43

the years of doing this , one of the things that I've noticed

1:45

and I've noticed this with

1:47

friends and family as well is

1:51

that oftentimes

1:53

, perhaps

1:56

even most of the time , intelligence

1:59

does not equal

2:01

awareness or

2:05

consciousness . And

2:10

if I look back at the

2:12

trend that I've seen , the

2:15

clients of mine and I have made mention

2:17

of this in the past , but it's been quite

2:19

a while the clients of

2:21

mine who are

2:23

the most intelligent

2:26

from an IQ perspective

2:28

are

2:30

often the ones who are least

2:32

aware , who

2:35

have the least

2:37

amount of consciousness , and

2:44

if I'm being brutally honest , I don't

2:46

quite know why . And

2:50

of course , we can throw

2:52

all kinds of doubt onto this

2:54

observation by saying well , sean , I mean

2:56

, how big is your sample size ? Have

2:58

you sampled thousands and thousands of

3:01

people ? No , I haven't , quite

3:04

honestly , but

3:06

there has generally been this observation

3:09

and it makes me curious what

3:12

is it about people

3:14

who are highly intelligent that

3:18

causes them to be highly

3:21

unaware ? Because

3:25

I don't know , there's something about that that doesn't

3:27

seem to sit right , at least not at first glance

3:29

, because we like

3:32

to believe well , if somebody's really smart , they

3:35

should be able to figure things out , they

3:37

should be able to see how different

3:40

factors work

3:42

together . They

3:45

should be able to recognize the ramifications or

3:47

consequences or , you know , third

3:50

order after effects . And

3:57

one of the things that I guess I

4:00

don't know kind of stands out for me is that

4:02

oftentimes and

4:05

I do notice this occasionally with my wife

4:07

, who is extremely

4:10

smart and everyone

4:12

that knows her says so is

4:16

there's often a

4:20

sense of assurance that

4:25

they are

4:27

the ones who are seeing the world

4:29

correctly . And

4:32

they , these smart people , are

4:34

often building their careers

4:37

and have often gotten

4:39

to their position of authority by having

4:41

quote , unquote the right answer

4:43

. Now

4:47

, the right answer might simply

4:49

be a right answer , one among

4:51

many , but oftentimes

4:53

, when we have a course of

4:55

performance over our

4:57

lifetime , over our career , of

5:00

being told yeah , that's right

5:02

, you are right , you

5:05

have the right answer , the right

5:08

answer , not a right answer , because

5:11

Bob and Sue each came up with their own right

5:13

answers as well . But hey , we're

5:15

just gonna go with yours because it's maybe the

5:18

easiest to implement , or you

5:20

socialized it correctly , or who knows

5:22

what right . But this gravitation

5:26

towards such and

5:28

such person having the right

5:30

answer , and

5:33

so oftentimes with highly intelligent

5:35

people , they have a very

5:37

long , established , robust

5:39

track record from

5:44

being an individual contributor , to

5:46

eventually getting into positions of leadership , to

5:48

eventually getting into top positions

5:50

of leadership , all based on this

5:52

notion that they have the

5:54

right answer , that

5:58

they see what others do not see

6:00

, maybe even cannot

6:02

see , and

6:04

therefore they are the ones to guide

6:06

the future course of the

6:09

outfit , the organization , the

6:11

company , the whatever . But

6:17

in that there's

6:20

this . I don't know this

6:23

. If we wanna get into biblical references

6:25

, there's this sort of tower of babble that

6:28

we end up growing that eventually

6:30

will fall , and

6:34

it is because we're not actually aware

6:36

. And

6:38

when I think about some of the senior leaders that I've worked

6:40

with , that lack of awareness

6:42

often manifests itself

6:44

as thinking that only

6:47

they can come up with the

6:49

right answer for the future , or the

6:51

right course of action or the right strategic

6:53

direction , and

6:57

that they do not seriously

6:59

consider that

7:03

. Maybe they're wrong . Oftentimes

7:06

they believe that their success is predicated

7:08

on certain factors or certain characteristics

7:11

, for instance their ability to grind

7:13

, their

7:16

ability to work harder than the next person . And

7:20

again , who knows , maybe or

7:23

maybe they were successful in spite

7:25

of those characteristics , not

7:28

because of them . And

7:33

it's a I don't know , it's a mixed bag where

7:36

it's a double-edged sword

7:38

. A

7:41

couple of weeks ago I talked about how it is that

7:43

we maintain internal faith in

7:47

the midst of external input

7:49

, and

7:53

that it's important to maintain internal faith

7:55

. So

7:57

then , what are we talking about this week , or am I going

7:59

back on what I said a couple of weeks ago ? I

8:01

don't think so , because I think a couple

8:03

of weeks ago I did mention that , yeah

8:06

, I think sometimes taking external

8:08

input on board is actually quite important

8:10

, but

8:14

then again , maybe I am reversing

8:16

myself so frustrating

8:19

. We

8:21

get to this place of trying to understand . Okay , how

8:25

is it that we can really try to assess

8:27

whether

8:30

we are being unaware ? And

8:34

oftentimes the only way that that really

8:37

comes to the foreground , into a way that snaps

8:40

into place for folks , is to come

8:42

face to face or dive

8:44

nose first into

8:46

one's own blind spots

8:48

, and

8:51

very frequently , doing

8:53

that is a painful process , because

8:57

we often operate from a place of such

8:59

assurance and inner

9:01

confidence that we know what's going on , and

9:06

it's only until we begin to have

9:08

some external

9:10

evidence

9:13

, often

9:15

characterized in the form of failure

9:18

, that

9:20

we begin to see oh

9:22

, maybe this isn't working , maybe

9:26

the thing about which I was so certain for so

9:28

long is actually not

9:32

the ticket , maybe it never

9:34

was , or maybe I just find myself

9:36

at a particular juncture in

9:39

my life or my career where

9:41

the things that used to be successful no

9:43

longer are . And

9:47

very frequently that is the space

9:49

in which I operate with clients

9:51

. Typically

9:54

, they have gotten into a position

9:56

of strategic leadership and

9:58

they are beginning to recognize oh

10:01

wow , it's

10:04

not working . All my

10:06

old ways of being or at

10:09

least enough of them that it's

10:11

a noticeable big deal are

10:14

not working the way that they used to , and

10:17

I don't know what to do because

10:19

I'm so used to playing the same

10:22

set of cards , but

10:24

they don't seem to be working . So what

10:26

can I do here ? How can I change ? What

10:29

am I not seeing ? Because

10:37

, ultimately , if we are highly intelligent

10:40

but we are not aware , then

10:42

it's incredibly

10:44

likely that we're going to misapply

10:46

our intelligence . We

10:52

have a tremendous tool and we

10:54

don't know how or

10:56

where or when to apply

10:58

it , because

11:01

we're not really seeing the world as

11:04

it is . One

11:08

useful exercise that I think

11:10

can help is actually to write

11:12

down and physically write

11:14

it out . Don't just think it , but

11:17

physically write out . Where

11:20

you have points of pride

11:22

, where do you really

11:24

truly pride yourself ? Oh , I

11:27

really pride myself on being a good

11:29

listener or I

11:31

really pride myself on being a good

11:33

leader . Well , of course , then you'd

11:35

have to define what good leader actually means

11:38

and

11:40

try to keep it succinct . Don't

11:43

write yourself a novel , but

11:45

some succinct bullet points about what good leader

11:47

means , wherever

11:50

it is that you pride yourself . I

11:53

pride myself on standing up for the little guy

11:55

, or on protecting

11:57

my people , or on calling

12:01

it the way it is Speaking

12:05

truth to power , as some people like

12:07

to say . Yeah

12:09

, write all those points down that you think

12:11

you you know areas where you're like , yeah , I'm

12:13

good at that , I do that , that's me , I

12:16

own that

12:21

. And then begin the very challenging

12:24

work of

12:26

asking yourself and you might actually need

12:28

to ask other people to be honest where

12:31

you fall down on that . If

12:34

you'd think you're such a great listener , ask

12:37

people assuming

12:40

that they're willing to tell you the truth if

12:44

they would rate you as

12:46

a really good listener . If

12:50

you think that you are so good at speaking truth

12:52

to power , try to

12:54

discern where it is that perhaps you

12:57

don't , but

13:00

the very least not always . Where

13:04

is it that you slide

13:06

into ass covering behavior ? Where

13:09

is it that you perhaps laugh

13:12

at the boss's joke even

13:14

when you didn't think it was really all that funny . Where

13:21

is it that maybe

13:23

you're not standing up for the convictions that you think

13:25

you hold so dearly ? Because

13:31

our points of pride , the

13:34

areas in which we feel we have

13:36

the most pride especially , we

13:38

are self-justifying and think we have all

13:41

kinds of evidence to substantiate

13:43

the pride that we feel . Those

13:46

areas are often the areas of

13:48

our biggest blind spots . And

13:52

if we can look into those areas , then

13:56

we can begin to recognize

13:58

where things are breaking down so

14:01

that we can actually start to address

14:03

the issue . Maybe

14:07

it requires us to adopt a

14:09

new way of thinking . Maybe it requires

14:11

us to learn new tools . For

14:17

my own experience , a

14:19

lot of people think that I am pretty

14:22

intelligent and

14:24

I can guarantee you that I was one

14:26

of the least aware people out

14:29

there . I

14:31

walked around probably still

14:33

do but

14:38

I used to walk around with a colossal

14:42

chip on my shoulder thinking

14:46

that I had the answer

14:48

. No matter

14:50

what it was that we were talking about . I

14:53

could see your problem and I could let you

14:55

know what it was and I would give you the solution

14:58

you just need

15:00

. If you listen to the show for any

15:02

amount of time , you know how much I

15:04

get riled up at that phrasing . You

15:08

just need two dot dot dot

15:10

and your problem will be solved . You

15:12

are welcome . And

15:16

I was in reality quite rigid

15:18

and

15:22

I was deeply unconscious

15:24

of the effect that I was having on other

15:26

people . I was so completely unaware

15:29

of this control freak

15:31

nature that I was putting

15:33

on other people , probably

15:35

the women that I was romantically involved with , and

15:41

when that came to light it

15:44

wasn't actually a

15:46

crucible moment for myself

15:48

. It was something that I was observing somebody

15:51

else do . It

15:53

was somebody very close to me and

15:56

they used a certain mannerism

15:59

that instantly hit

16:01

a note of recognition in myself

16:04

, because it was a mannerism that I have myself used

16:06

on many occasions and

16:08

for whatever reason I was in a particular

16:11

place , mentally , emotionally

16:14

, seeing that behavior

16:16

, that mannerism demonstrated

16:19

on another person All of

16:21

a sudden snapped me into

16:23

awareness , consciousness

16:26

, and I had this instant replay

16:28

of all these moments in my

16:30

life where I had done a similar mannerism

16:32

to women in my

16:35

life , women that I cared

16:37

about or at least told

16:40

myself and told them I cared about and

16:43

, to be fair , hopefully to myself , I

16:46

did care about them . But

16:48

there was an element inside of me , this control freak element

16:50

that that so desperately

16:53

needed to control and

16:55

for some reason needed to control the women

16:57

that I was dating , and

17:04

to see it displayed by another person and

17:07

then to have this instant recall

17:09

of these various

17:12

instances where I had done the same thing . It

17:14

was this powerful

17:16

splash of cold water on

17:18

my psyche , on my sense

17:22

of self and

17:25

, quite honestly , it brought a massive amount

17:27

of shame forward , because

17:29

I saw the effect that that mannerism

17:31

was having on this other

17:34

person's partner . So

17:36

, in real time , I'm watching this drama unfold

17:39

and I'm getting to see

17:41

both roles

17:43

being displayed and

17:45

I can see the control animal inside

17:48

the one and then I can see

17:50

the hurt in the other . And

17:53

fuck me . That was

17:55

such a powerful experience and

18:00

it helped me see something that was oh

18:03

so deeply misaligned . Because

18:06

if you had asked me outright , I would

18:08

have told you all day long for my entire

18:10

life no , come on . No

18:13

, no , I don't want to control people

18:15

. I'm all about

18:17

people being independent and autonomous

18:19

. Strong , I'm

18:21

strong , I believe that I'm strong

18:23

, I believe that I'm independent and autonomous

18:26

. But part of

18:28

that control was

18:30

my own weakness

18:32

, my own inability

18:35

to accept different

18:37

ways of doing things . I

18:41

had to convince myself that my way was the

18:43

right way and

18:46

you had better fall in line . And

18:53

so that moment was

18:56

such a blessed

18:58

teaching moment even though there

19:00

was a lot of pain that came with it Because

19:05

it helped me snap into what

19:07

was really happening . It

19:09

helped me to sort of tear down the veil

19:11

of self-deceit that

19:16

I had been putting in front of my own eyes , trying

19:19

to assuage my

19:22

own ego no , no , no , no , you

19:24

got it , you're doing it right , you're good , you're

19:26

good , never

19:29

mind that they're like unhappy and they leave no

19:32

, no , no , no , that's their fault . So

19:40

using our points of pride can

19:42

be tremendously effective in

19:44

helping us pinpoint areas

19:46

for inquiry , areas

19:49

for us to start digging , exploring

19:52

, trying to understand . Huh yeah , what's

19:54

going on here ? Why

19:57

am I so invested in

20:00

people acknowledging

20:03

my authority or

20:05

acquiescing

20:07

to my way of doing things ? Am

20:10

I really the only person that has

20:12

a brain in this outfit ? Am

20:15

I really the only person that can come up with good ideas

20:17

about how the future should go , or where

20:20

we should go into the future ? If

20:24

so , what kind of organization have you built

20:26

around yourself ? Now

20:30

, that's a thorny question for a lot

20:32

of my clients , because when they start to criticize

20:35

their subordinates as

20:37

not seeing what the

20:39

right way forward is or having

20:41

some other sort of deficiency . I

20:44

often ask them who

20:46

hired this person ? Oh

20:48

well , I did , okay

20:52

. Well , I mean , if

20:54

they really truly are that deficient , why haven't

20:57

you replaced them ? Or , more

20:59

specifically not more specifically , but

21:01

more pointedly if you're

21:03

in charge , why are you not training

21:06

them ? If they really truly are not connected

21:08

with the vision , or their

21:11

deficient in some sort of skill set

21:13

, why are you not training them to be better

21:15

? And

21:17

, interestingly enough

21:19

, some of those leaders

21:21

have said well , that's not my place . At

21:24

this point in their career , they should already have

21:26

the skill set . In which

21:28

case , why did you hire them ? Right , we

21:31

go back to the beginning . But

21:37

ultimately , I

21:39

think that looking at our points of pride

21:41

in order

21:43

for us to really truly assess

21:47

with as much openness

21:50

and vulnerability as we can muster , helps

21:55

us get to a place of awareness

21:57

and consciousness , and

22:03

there will most likely be times that

22:06

it's not entirely clear . That example

22:08

that I gave from my own experience , that

22:11

was pretty clear and when

22:13

I saw it playing out , there was something

22:15

deep in my guts , deep

22:18

in the belief center

22:20

, that

22:23

said , oh my

22:25

God , I do that . And

22:31

then I was able to recognize the look of hurt

22:33

on the various women that

22:35

I had unconsciously attempted

22:37

to control . Control in

22:43

subtle ways , and that

22:45

was part of what made this so difficult to

22:47

identify in the first place . My control

22:49

was unconsciously expressed

22:51

and it was subtle , little

22:54

sort of biting comments , backhanded

22:56

comments , nothing over

22:58

, like you know you better not talk to that guy or

23:01

whatever but

23:03

just little things . But

23:07

then when I saw it , there was that deep recognition

23:09

inside that yes , this

23:11

is the thing that I also do and

23:14

it felt true that

23:16

I was doing this behavior . But

23:19

there are times when it may not be that stark

23:21

and

23:25

that process it generally is more

23:27

difficult because we're not sure

23:29

. Do I do this ? Is

23:33

it really fully on my shoulders ? Does

23:37

the other party not have any responsibility

23:41

in this as well ? Notice , I didn't say fault

23:43

. Fault

23:45

is very much , and I've done an episode on this that

23:47

you can search for . I don't remember which one it is but

23:49

the difference between fault and responsibility

23:52

. Fault

23:54

is backward looking and it's

23:56

really just based

23:59

on retribution . I feel emotionally

24:01

upset and I wanna blame

24:03

it on somebody . Responsibility

24:06

is forward looking . Hey , we

24:08

had a problem . We don't want

24:10

that problem to reoccur . How

24:12

do we address this ? What

24:15

part do I own ? What part do you own

24:17

? How are we going to improve the

24:19

process or the relationship or the

24:21

whatever ? So

24:26

, in these moments or these

24:28

aspects of ourself , our

24:30

psyche , our soul , our spirit

24:33

, whatever you wanna call it where we're unsure

24:35

how much of it we own , a

24:38

lot of times it does take conversation , really

24:41

hashing things out with the other party . First

24:44

off observing hey , this

24:47

seems to be the circumstance in which

24:49

we are operating . Do we agree

24:51

that we're

24:54

facing these factors ? I

24:57

don't know , maybe there's a lot of arguing , or maybe

25:01

I don't know , maybe there's a big project at

25:03

work and there are multiple

25:05

departments that have a

25:07

contribution and it's bogging down

25:09

somewhere . And

25:13

so , first off , we have to agree that

25:16

we're facing the conditions that we all think we're

25:18

facing . Are we agreeing

25:20

on reality , which

25:23

I'm laughing because so

25:25

frequently , especially if I coach multiple people

25:27

on the same team , as I've mentioned in other

25:29

episodes , there are so

25:32

frequently times when

25:34

people come out of the same meeting and then

25:36

they end up talking to me about it in their respective

25:38

sessions individually and

25:42

they have vastly different

25:44

experiences or accountings

25:47

of what happened in the same meeting , and

25:50

so it's not a given that everyone agrees on

25:52

what reality is , even though that

25:55

seems very counterintuitive . It's

25:57

like well , it's reality , ah , it's

26:00

our perception of reality , and

26:03

we tend to look at the world through our own lenses . And

26:06

so , first off , we have to come to some sort of common agreement

26:09

on okay , what

26:11

is the truth of our reality

26:13

? What was the

26:15

original agreement on ? Who owned what in

26:17

a process and who was supposed to deliver

26:19

what ? That's a big chunk

26:21

of work all by itself , and

26:24

it gets cloudy when

26:27

it comes to family or friendship or

26:29

romantic relationships , because quite

26:31

frequently there is not some sort of clear delineation

26:34

of okay , well , this department owns this and this team

26:36

owns that , and then , together

26:38

with all of our various inputs , we're gonna be able to accomplish

26:41

this process . But

26:43

in either case , we have to get to some sort of

26:45

common ground on what is actually

26:47

happening and

26:49

then , from there , begin to start to inquire

26:52

around . Okay

26:54

, why do we end

26:56

up in fights all the time ? Where

27:01

is it that one or both of us , or all of

27:03

us , are unable to really

27:06

speak objectively I

27:09

mean as much as humans can about

27:12

a charged topic without

27:14

getting defensive ? Can

27:16

we actually stay focused on the issue

27:18

instead of immediately

27:21

associating our own individual

27:24

sense of worth and validation

27:26

with

27:29

whatever is happening on the outside , which

27:33

is a whole nother body of work . But

27:40

if you are able to get to a place of actually

27:42

really truly being aware of

27:45

your own individual sense of worth and validation

27:48

and , one by one , delving into and then illuminating

27:50

your blind spots from

27:54

what I've seen play out in my life and the lives

27:57

of my clients , there is tremendous benefit

27:59

in terms of how effectively

28:01

and how powerfully you

28:03

navigate your world and

28:07

what it feels like and

28:09

that's another funny thing . So many of my clients are these

28:11

like really serious types who

28:14

kick ass and take names and really

28:16

get a lot of shit done . And yeah

28:18

, that's great , that's awesome . But

28:20

what's interesting is they often at least when I first start

28:22

working with them they sort of look down their nose

28:24

about feeling Don't talk to me about

28:26

feelings , sean , I've

28:29

got things to do . But

28:33

then we start to get into the touchy-feely

28:36

side of coaching and they start to tell me that their

28:38

life doesn't feel good . Yeah

28:41

, they're accomplishing a lot , but it doesn't feel good

28:44

. They

28:46

have a resume that's a mile long , all

28:49

kinds of trophies and accomplishments , and

28:51

yet they feel unhappy , they

28:54

feel overwhelmed , they feel like they

28:56

have the weight of the world on their shoulders . They're

29:02

not connected to a sense of joy . Now

29:06

, don't confuse it . I'm not talking about being

29:09

entertained , but

29:13

joy that

29:15

our life can actually feel

29:18

joyous while we do serious

29:21

work to accomplish

29:23

fulfilling things . And

29:31

becoming more aware , becoming more conscious

29:34

of how we show up

29:36

and the impacts that we have , helps

29:40

us be more effective , helps us achieve

29:42

more fulfillment , helps

29:46

us do all of that with

29:49

a greater sense of joy

29:51

and ease , and

29:55

it takes generally a lot of work to get there , but

30:01

I think things worth having

30:03

are worth

30:06

putting the work in for . Anyways

30:12

, hopefully this episode helped

30:15

you Again

30:17

. The exercise , in case you

30:19

want to take it on yourself , is to write

30:21

down the points of pride that you

30:23

possess and

30:26

then start digging for the blind

30:28

spots behind

30:30

those points of pride . Some

30:33

of it is going to be internal exploration

30:35

and probably some of it's going to involve talking

30:38

with others , and

30:43

if you cannot get anyone to tell

30:45

you something critical

30:47

, they

30:50

will not criticize you , and

30:52

if you are in a position of power over them , then

30:56

there is a really good chance that they are

30:58

too afraid to tell you the truth

31:00

and that should

31:03

be illuminating all by itself . If

31:08

you're enjoying the show , on

31:11

that prickly

31:13

note , if you are enjoying the show

31:15

for some odd reason , I

31:18

would love it if you would like subscribe

31:20

, follow , thumbs up that thing and

31:22

, of course , share

31:25

it with other people who are equally unaware or

31:30

don't . Totally up to you . But

31:32

until next time , take care of each other .