0:00

Happy Friday, everyone! Have you got a nice weekend planned?

0:05

What am I up to? Oh, I'm meeting up with some

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friends for a meal from work.

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Happy birthday, Wendy, by the way. It'll be nice to not have

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to cook for a change.

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I tend to do most of the cooking in

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our house, you see, cos me and my wife

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have always had this rule that whoever

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gets home first, starts the cooking.

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But I work from home, with a five

0:24

second commute to the kitchen.

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So it's pretty much me every night. But you know what?

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I quite like it. I get to provide something for my wife,

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and it means that she can do a workout

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straight after work for 45 minutes

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or whatever, without feeling rushed.

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So it's nice to provide for her.

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It's a nice feeling. Feels good, Because I love her.

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She's important to me. And I see her as an extension

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of myself, in some respect, and

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so if she's happy, I'm happy.

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And that's not a problem, is it? Well, it could be, if it's exaggerated.

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In extreme cases, it could

1:00

be a symptom of codependence.

1:04

Because it's one thing to be a Florence

1:04

Nightingale character and want to

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help people, but if you're constantly

1:08

drawn towards people who seem to need

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help, if you feel the pull towards the

1:13

vulnerable little bird with a broken

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wing character all the time, and feel

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the need to step in and control their

1:23

life for them, then no, that's not good.

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If you feel guilty because you aren't

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helping somebody even though they've not

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even asked for your help, then something's

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not fair there, and it could be that your

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sense of self is based on the effect that

1:35

you have on the outside world too much.

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Rather than just being you.

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Because being you should be good enough,

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whether you're helping somebody or not.

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So there's a sense of neediness to it.

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You need to be helping them.

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And again, That's not fair, and it's

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not healthy for them either if you're

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in a relationship with somebody. That's the difference between

2:00

dependence and codependence.

2:05

Joan and Jeff might have a great

2:05

relationship, but Jeff is constantly

2:09

needing reassurance that he's doing the

2:09

right thing, asking for permission to make

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decisions so that he doesn't feel guilt

2:13

or regret if he chooses the wrong car

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insurance company or something like that. Now, as long as His wife Joan reassures

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him, Jeff, that's fine, I trust you.

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Then hopefully his self esteem is

2:27

going to rise up, and although the

2:31

two people are dependent on each

2:31

other, they're not so enmeshed that

2:35

they feed each other's anxiety. But if Joan says, I know what's best,

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let me show you what you need to do.

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Then that could spoil what could

2:42

have been a very happy marriage.

2:46

Joan develops a personality type

2:46

of needing to control everything,

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and Jeff's self esteem gets lower

2:50

and lower and lower, because he's

2:54

allowed his wife to take control.

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To make all the decisions for him. And she thinks she's doing the right

2:58

thing, because she's only trying to help.

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And until it's pointed out by I

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don't know, a podcast that you

3:07

listen to, or you stumble across an

3:07

article on the internet somewhere.

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Jeff doesn't stand up and say to Joan,

3:11

Hey Joan, I think you make me worse.

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And Joan doesn't say, Yeah, actually

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I think you make me worse as well.

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And then the two of them go to

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couples counselling, sort it

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out, and live happily ever after. And we fix this with proper boundaries.

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Healthy boundaries. Drawing a line between what is reasonable

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assistance and what is unreasonable.

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And if you feel the need to

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help someone who's been, say,

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kicked out by their partner? Maybe they sleep on your sofa for

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two weeks, but they pay for their own

3:47

food, and they know they've only got

3:47

two weeks to find somewhere to live.

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If you feel the need to go out of your

3:53

way to pick somebody up and take them to

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work Then you tell them to walk to your

3:56

house, or if you drive past their house

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normally, then you're only going to pick

4:01

them up if they're waiting outside, so

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that you know that they want that lift.

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You don't wait for them. I know it's context dependent, but

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you live with those boundaries, and it

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could go against your sense of self. But if your sense of self is built around

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putting everybody else first That's when

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your self esteem soon becomes rock bottom.

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And I know that it's hard to break

4:25

the habits of a lifetime, but saying

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no to others does mean eventually

4:29

learning to say yes to yourself.

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And that's a far better habit. Anyway, time's up for today.

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This is only a short

4:38

bonus episode after all.

4:41

As always, the full episode, if you want

4:41

to hear more, is on my Patreon page.

4:45

Look me up. There's a seven day free trial

4:46

anyway, if you're not sure.

4:49

Either way, have a lovely

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weekend, everybody.

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I'll see you soon. Bye!