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And hello to you, hope you're well.

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Last week I was talking about complaining

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and the best way to get things out of

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your system without making you feel worse. And

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I want to follow up on it a little bit today in

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a way, because like with the idea

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of it's good to talk, which I spoke

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about last month, the side

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effect of encouraging people to talk

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means we also need to know how to listen

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as well. And I know, from the

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outside, that sounds pretty obvious, how

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to listen. How hard is it just to

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be there with someone and simply

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listen? But if, in listening,

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you're internally disagreeing

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with what they're saying, then it can be quite hard

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to hear them over the volume

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of your own thoughts, preparing for

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a retort. And if you both

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do that, then no one's listening

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at all. Because you can't hear what someone's

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saying if your brain is busy rehearsing

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what you are going to say next.

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My job is often called part of the talking

0:59

therapist. But I wonder if maybe

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from the therapist's perspective,

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it's actually listening therapy.

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The client is doing most of the talking while

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the therapist listens. And when

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the client isn't talking and the therapist

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is, then the therapist talking

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is still actually part of

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the listening process. Because in that talking,

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we're demonstrating that we're listening. And

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that's the therapeutic part. You're showing

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someone that they are worth listening

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to. That they are valid. So

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if we know this, because that process

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isn't a secret, listening

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to someone showing unconditional

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positive regard, as we call it in counselling,

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is a good thing. The word should be spread.

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But I said showing

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unconditional positive regard, not having

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unconditional positive regard. Having

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it is irrelevant if you

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don't show it. Having positive

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regard for someone isn't that therapeutic,

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especially for somebody with low self esteem,

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they won't even notice. You have to

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show it. You have to demonstrate

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that positive regard. And

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you can't do that if you're preparing your own

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responses in your head without actually

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listening to what someone has just said to

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us. So, listen

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to their words for no other

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reason than just to be there. With

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no judgement, no criticism,

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no opinions. Just be there.

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And whilst they're talking, just think

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about their words and the meaning

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behind them with some curiosity.

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So, if your friend

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says something like, You

2:38

annoyed me last week. All that gushy stuff

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you put on about your mum on Facebook really

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got to me. I had to just switch off from

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it. It'd be really easy

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to stop after those

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first three words, you annoyed me.

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That's usually enough to raise our defences, isn't

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it? It starts us preparing to attack,

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which ends up ruining everybody's evening. And

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I know it's hard to put judgement to one side

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if someone's attacking you, but

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effective communication needs to come

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from a safe place. They need

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to feel safe talking,

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and you need to feel safe listening.

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So if you can change the meaning

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behind the attack, it

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stops being an attack. If

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when they say, you annoyed

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me last week, you would normally

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hear, you're a bad person.

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Then you're going to feel attacked. But if you can hear,

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I felt bad last week, instead,

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then you don't need to put your defences

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up. If the meaning behind what

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they say is actually, I feel so safe

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with you as a friend that I'm

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willing to admit my vulnerabilities to

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you, then that's a completely different

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experience. But you have to listen

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first to hear what they're really

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saying. By listening

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and then reflecting back.

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You're validating them, validating

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how they feel. So be sincere,

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and show that sincerity in your body language.

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Face the person you're listening to. Look

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them in the face, in the eyes, as

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often is appropriate. So you can

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find that balance between

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coming across as interested

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without being too starry and intimidating,

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but not being too uncaring and aloof

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by looking over their shoulder

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or something. Listening is an important

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skill to have, not just to prevent arguments

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or improve friendships and relationships,

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but depending on what you do for a job,

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it could make you a better colleague, certainly

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a better manager, teacher

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or doctor, anything that

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requires people skills, I guess.

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So, go and do some listening, have

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a super week, and I'll be back before you know

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it. Ta ra!