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I was talking with someone recently,

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and they said that they wished they could do better

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as a parent. And I said,

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well that's good, but you're probably

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always going to wish you could do better,

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because it's those who think they did such

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a good job that there's no room at all

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for improvement. who probably need to

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question their parenting style.

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And there are going to be very few exceptions to that,

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I'm sure you'll agree. People

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make jokes, don't they, that children

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don't come with an instruction manual,

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that you just have to use your common sense

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and do your best. And that's

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true to a degree, but

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common sense doesn't always

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mean best practice. It's

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common sense that the sun

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moves around the earth, until you study

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it. And for a time it was common

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sense that leaving a child

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to cry by itself would

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make it a more independent and confident

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adult. Until we studied it

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and found the exact opposite to be

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the case. So although children

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don't come with an instruction manual, there

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are still some things that we can learn about

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parenting that might help us to understand

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ourselves better, and maybe

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mean our kids don't need as much therapy

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when they're older. So I want to very briefly

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touch on some parenting styles today.

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As always, the longer episode

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on Patreon goes into more details,

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so sign up on there for six

1:25

quid if you fancy it. You can learn a

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lot about yourself from those episodes,

1:29

and maybe then both you and your

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kids are going to need less therapy in the

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future. So, there

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are two parenting styles I'm going to

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talk about today that both sound like

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a good idea, until you actually

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think about it. And being

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aware that we do this is really,

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really helpful so as to find a sweet

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spot that helps and nurtures

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our kids instead. So the

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first one is what's often called

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helicopter parenting. Helicopter

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parenting refers to a style

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of parenting where parents are overly

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involved in their children's

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lives, hovering over them like

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helicopters, ensuring their safety

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and success. While the

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intention behind helicopter parenting

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is rooted in love and concern,

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it can have some negative consequences.

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The desire to protect our children

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can sometimes stifle their ability

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to learn from their mistakes

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and develop crucial life

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skills. So a helicopter parent

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would know when their kid's homework was due in

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all the time. They'd be there to remind

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them that they hadn't done it. They'd notice

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if they've not got their PE kit ready on the

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right day. And they don't let those children

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take responsibility for things themselves.

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It's not helpful. And I know it's

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tempting as a parent to take charge

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of everything. But it backfires.

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Research suggests that helicopter parenting

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contributes to an increased anxiety

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and a fear of failure among

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children instead. By constantly

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swooping in to rescue them from challenges

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we prevent them from developing resilience

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and problem solving skills. Those

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are decent life skills. The

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other counter intuitive style of

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parenting that can cause problems is often

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called bulldozer parenting.

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When the parent removes any

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obstacles in the child's way so

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that everything's a simple track

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to walk through. Now, don't get

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me wrong, making life easier for the

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people you care about is a good thing,

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but preventing them from learning how to

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deal with obstacles isn't

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good. Like with the swooping

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in of the helicopter parent, stopping

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the development of resilience isn't

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a good idea. Parents

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like this, they're in constant contact with

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the kid's school. To make sure that

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they're being rewarded and praised,

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writing notes to excuse them from things

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if they have to. This sort of parenting

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is bad. It's the wrong way round.

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Instead of preparing the road for the kid,

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you need to prepare the kid for the road.

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And it's a hard habit to stop, but

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stop we must. Because if you don't

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stop, once they get to school, it's

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even harder when they get into college.

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And if you don't stop when they get to college, then it's

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even harder if they go to university,

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and harder still once they leave and

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start work. If

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we micromanage our children

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and bulldoze every difficult thing

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out of their way, it teaches

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them one very nasty message.

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The message meaning, you are

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nothing without me. Yet

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of course no one wants to actually say that.

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No one means to explicitly say

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to their children, you are

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nothing without me. But

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that's the way a child would feel

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for their whole life sometimes if their parents

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were bulldozing things out the way. And

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parents aren't always going to be there for

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their kids. That's not how society works.

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So when parents aren't there to

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nod in the right place, to encourage

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and give support, children feel

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unable to summon up that prodding and

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encouraging themselves. So

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there's a very brief introduction here

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to the helicopter and bulldozer

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parenting styles that you might hear about.

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So, no, children

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don't come with an instruction manual. But,

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well, for six quid a month you can learn some basics

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about psychology that might be the equivalent

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by going to my Patreon page.

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Seven day free trial as well, folks, if you

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want to try it out. Oh, I knew

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I'd overrun today. Couldn't quite get this into five

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minutes. Anyway, have a nice week, everyone.

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Speak to you next week. Take care.