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Hello, me again, and this

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week I want to talk about that old chestnut,

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toxic masculinity. Back

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in the early 90s, an educator

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named Paul Kivel published a book

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called Men's Work, How to

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Stop the Violence that Tears Our Lives

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Apart. It was all about the work

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he'd been doing for about 10 years working in

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colleges and high schools in San Francisco.

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And before that he was working on the Oakland

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Men's Project, which Kivel and others

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started up, to figure out how best

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to support the women who were campaigning

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against domestic violence and

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sexism. The idea being

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that if there's a problem with men beating up their wives

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and girlfriends, you don't fix

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it by only supporting the women. You

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need to fix it at the source. Which

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might seem obvious now, but not

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so much in the 80s and 90s, because there was

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a pushback from men. Lots

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of men felt that their masculinity

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was being threatened, you see,

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and that their sons could be feminised if they were

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taught that it was okay to break away

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from what they called the Act Like

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a Man Box. Nowadays

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it tends to be just called The Man

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Box, which is this rigid set

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of ideas and behaviours. That

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if you stray out of it, then you're

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not a proper man. It's

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a social construct, meaning that it

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isn't driven by genetics or anything.

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It's nothing to do with whether you've got a penis

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or not, and is totally created

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by culture, and it's dangerous.

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Kivel and his colleagues found that the man

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box has these following rules.

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Never lose, have no

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needs, suffer in silence,

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show no emotions except

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bravado and anger. Be

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independent, show no

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weakness. These are findings

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that come from asking men, over the years,

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lots of questions about what it is to

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be a man. And

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even now, it still shows that the man

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box exists. When you ask men

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questions like how strongly

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they agree or disagree with statements

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such as, Society

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as a whole tells me that a man

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who talks a lot about his worries,

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fears, and problems shouldn't really

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get respect. I wish everyone listening

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to this would tick the strongly disagree

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box, but as a population,

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it's a 50 50 split. In the UK,

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half disagree but half agree.

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If you ask how much men agree with the

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statement, society as a whole

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tells me that it is not good for a boy

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to be taught how to cook, sew,

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clean the house and take care of younger children.

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Again, it should be zero. Of course,

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it's good to learn how to be a functioning human.

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But no, men still say that society

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tells them that it's not good. In

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the UK, 46 percent of

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men agree, nearly half. So the

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man box still exists, and creates

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toxic masculinity, leading

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to many men not admitting when they've made a mistake.

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So never learning from their mistakes,

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never asking for help. Now,

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these figures change when you

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ask them in a different way. Remember I started

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each of the statements with Society

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as a whole tells me that. When

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you ask them the same questions, but

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you start it with, In my opinion,

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the figures are healthier. They can still

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be a bit rough, but it shows that there is a

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mismatch between what people think

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for themselves and what they think others

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are thinking. It's part of

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what's called pluralistic ignorance, which

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is a term meaning to assume your own attitudes

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are in the minority when they're actually

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the majority. And this causes

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men to assume that most other men around

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them are more sexist than they

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are. And so, at best,

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causes them to not challenge any

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sexist attitudes that they come across. And

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at worst, actively encourage

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it to try and fit in.

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Yet they're trying to fit in with a minority,

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rather than a majority. Causing

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this toxic culture to stay dominant.

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And it's the same for all the things that make

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up toxic masculinity, like the bravado

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thing. Men should use violence

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to get respect if necessary, was one

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of the statements. When asked about

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their society's view, 40

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percent of UK men said it was the case.

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But when asked about their own opinion It

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was only 25%. Still

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crappy, but it shows that men are trained

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through culture to act in a particular

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way, even if they don't want to, because

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if they don't, then they're not a real

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man. So this causes two problems.

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Either men contribute to the toxic

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culture and cause anxiety for everyone.

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Or they don't contribute, but feel that

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they're supposed to. So it causes anxiety

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in themselves. Either way, the

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only ones who win are the men who reject

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the rigid man box and just

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be themselves. And the

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only way to do that is for men

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to know that it exists to

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see evidence that it's okay to not fit

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into these rigid rules that define

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what being a real man is. So,

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go and have a chat about it over Christmas dinner if

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you want to, see if you can ruffle up some

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feathers if you want to. I mean, don't ruin

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your day, but do it if you like, and

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I'll speak to you again next week. See

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ya!