0:00

Who's that man talking

0:05

in my e He's

0:10

Rong Burgundy Me

0:13

talking, me talking, me

0:15

talking, me talking, me

0:18

talking me talking. Hello,

0:20

you're listening to the Me Talking Show

0:23

where I talk and talk and talk and talk.

0:25

Sometimes I'm interrupted by a young woman named

0:28

Carolina. Her talking doesn't sound

0:30

like my talking. Say something, Carolina,

0:33

right, Hello, this is Carolina.

0:35

You see her voice sounds different than mine.

0:38

Mine sounds like this our

0:40

ah we

0:49

and her sounds like this. Do

0:52

it? Ah,

0:55

you

0:57

you can you tell

1:00

a difference. Here's what it sounds like when

1:02

we both do it together. Ah

1:11

oh ah.

1:19

So you can see that when I'm talking, which

1:21

will undoubtedly be a lot, my

1:23

voice will sound one way and Carolina's

1:26

will sound another. Now

1:30

on with the Me Talking Show,

1:32

the Ron Burgundy Podcast. Then,

1:35

oh, is that what we are calling it? We've

1:38

we've always called it that. We've called it that for

1:40

years, always

1:43

since the beginning. Nope,

1:45

nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope nope.

1:47

I called it the Jeremy hold Quist Show

1:50

for a few weeks before we went on the air,

1:52

and that was when Vanessa la Scha

1:55

was my co host. What why?

1:57

I've always just loved the name Jeremy Holquist.

2:00

And if there's someone out there with that name,

2:02

I say, lucky you. Wouldn't

2:05

it be great to go through your day with the name Jeremy

2:08

Holquist. What a pleasure that would

2:10

be. Can you imagine such a lucky

2:12

fate? Carolina? Ah, I

2:14

cannot, I can I

2:16

imagine? Jeremy Holquist is a

2:19

man of distinction. He holds

2:21

his head high when entering a conference

2:23

room or the lobby of an international hotel.

2:26

He's got some facial hair, and his nails are trimmed

2:28

very neatly, with the lightest of gloss applied

2:31

to them, not so much to attract

2:33

attention, but just enough to say I'm here

2:35

and I drink champagne for lunch. His

2:38

attache case is made from the

2:40

soft hides of webbed duck feet,

2:42

but only after they have died of natural

2:45

causes and are given a proper duck burial

2:48

for Jeremy Holquist is an amateur naturalist

2:51

and an animal lover. He resides

2:53

in several homes, a beach house off

2:55

the coast of Maine, an expensive

2:57

condo atop knob Hill in San Francisco,

2:59

and a lookout station on Mount Rainier

3:01

in Washington State. He has written

3:04

several best selling suspense novels under

3:06

the pseudonym Carl Klaus.

3:09

Anyway, that's just how I imagine Jeremy

3:11

Holquist. What do you think he's like?

3:14

I just can't believe you've spent so much time

3:16

thinking about the personality for a

3:18

fake name. I mean, do you

3:20

think maybe you're imagining

3:23

him a little bit how you see yourself?

3:26

What? No, No, not at all. Holduist

3:28

is six ft two and I am six ft three.

3:32

Fold. Uist is also two months older than

3:34

me. So no, you're so stupid

3:36

for saying that he's That's not needed. He's an entirely

3:38

different person. Why why did you even suggest

3:41

that? Yes? I have written novels,

3:43

of course, but I go by the name

3:45

Daniel Steele, not Carl Klaus.

3:48

You write under the name Dan You

3:51

know what, I'm not going to bite um?

3:53

Okay, well for now, can we just stick

3:55

to calling the show the Ron Burgundy Podcast

3:57

for today? Yeah, that's fine with me. You

3:59

know my name is Ron Burgundy. Is there

4:01

a bump there? I'm sorry. Well,

4:04

if we call the show the Ron Burgundy Podcast,

4:06

people will think I named it after me. That's

4:08

not a problem. For you. You are Ron

4:11

Burgundy and this is your podcast. We've been

4:13

doing this for three years.

4:15

What is right? Of course I

4:17

get confused inside my brain from time to

4:19

time, thoughts splash

4:22

around in there like Piranha's attacking a

4:24

water buffalo. Hello everyone,

4:26

let's start over. Yeah, my name is Ron

4:28

Burgundy and you are listening to the Ron

4:31

Burgundy Podcast. I'm joined

4:33

as always by the lovely under

4:35

sext and over educated Carolina.

4:38

Hello Carolina, Hello

4:41

Ron. What have we got on

4:43

the docket for our show today? It's

4:46

a little controversial. Um,

4:48

you wanted to talk about Q and

4:50

On? Yes, I wanted to

4:52

talk about the mysterious and

4:54

dark world of q

5:00

ah. So tell me, Carolina,

5:02

what do you know about so?

5:08

Q and On is a conspiracy theory

5:10

that there is a group of Satan worshiping

5:13

elites run a child

5:15

sex ring and are also trying to control

5:17

our politics and media. Um.

5:20

Something like sevent of adults

5:23

in this country believe in Q and On. Okay,

5:25

not a bad start first, because

5:28

this has always been a fair and balanced,

5:30

news based podcast. Let's

5:32

not start off by calling it a conspiracy.

5:35

It's a belief held by many good Americans

5:38

and even some members of Congress unfortunately.

5:41

Yeah, are there Satan worshippers in this

5:43

world? Yes? There are, are there

5:45

people trying to control our media. Probably.

5:48

Are there sickos out there? Yes,

5:50

So when we look at it objectively, Carolina,

5:53

you can see the common sense here. Run Are

5:55

you seriously going to try and defend

5:58

Q and on? We know we can't do this. Hold

6:00

the boat there. I'm a journalist, I'm

6:03

not a politician. I work in

6:05

hard facts, not spin. Let's

6:08

consider the first elements. Satanic

6:10

cults. Do they exist? Who runs

6:13

them? Well, here's where my

6:15

vast knowledge of the world comes in handy.

6:18

They do exist, And I confess

6:20

I was once in such a cult for

6:22

a short while. This was back

6:24

in the seventies, of course, and I had gotten ahold of

6:26

an experimental new root plant

6:29

that, if prepared correctly, could transport

6:32

me to a new dimension. Yes,

6:35

I was always one to explore my boundaries.

6:37

So I prepared the meat of the route

6:40

in a cyboreum or what

6:42

you refer to as a sacramental

6:44

cup, and I drank. Nothing

6:46

seemed to happen except that I grew very tired.

6:49

However, when I awoke, I was in an

6:51

adobe hut in New Mexico, surrounded

6:53

by naked adult people people.

6:56

Yes, I hadn't a clue as to how

6:58

I had gotten there or who these people

7:01

were. I noticed right away

7:03

that I had what surgeons and anyone

7:05

in the medical profession would call a

7:08

boner. My head felt like

7:10

cotton candy wrapped in velvet. It was a

7:12

marvelous sensation. A man

7:15

introduced himself to me as Lord Voltrix

7:18

and said that I had arrived at my final

7:20

destination. Final destination,

7:22

I asked. I was still a young man full

7:24

of vim and vigor, and I I doubted this

7:27

dirt hut was to be my final destination

7:29

in life. But this fella Voltrax

7:33

yes, assured me this was as

7:35

far as I was meant to go. Well,

7:38

I went with it. It was fun. My

7:40

head felt great, I had that boner and wasn't

7:43

going anywhere, so I went with the flow, as

7:45

they say. Pretty soon the room filled

7:47

with more naked people, all adults and

7:50

mainly women. Do you know what it feels

7:52

like, Caroline, to have sex with sixteen people?

7:55

I am so glad, I don't. I

7:57

mean, like most people. I tried

7:59

like a way in college, free

8:01

way smee way, buddy,

8:04

that's Thursday night in the Burgundy household.

8:07

I'm talking about sixteen or twenty

8:09

people all doing it, different

8:11

bodies, tall, little, big, small,

8:14

making love and the most passionate and oily

8:16

way possible. And there was a lot of oil,

8:19

mink oil, I believe it. Most of it was being

8:22

poured on me. Mink o, Yes, mink

8:24

oil, the steady supply of mink oil.

8:26

So much oil, like a fifty five

8:29

gallon drum full of mink oil,

8:31

poured over my body. Jesus, I already

8:33

felt like a marshmallow dipped in warm syrup,

8:36

but that oil added to my euphoria.

8:38

Soon I was being transported by the naked women

8:41

to the outside hut. It was night and

8:43

I could see people carrying torches everywhere.

8:47

We were were in a great clearing and a large crowd

8:49

of maybe a hundred people had gathered. The

8:52

naked women laid me down in a soft

8:54

but prickly mound of sticks. My

8:56

wrists were tied to some posts, as well as my

8:58

ankles. Now we're getting

9:00

someplace, I thought, B D S M

9:03

for sure, although no one had asked

9:05

me for my safety word, which, by

9:07

the way, is simply a mix up of

9:09

my name bond Urgandy.

9:12

I don't need to know your safe word. Safety

9:14

words are very important, and bondage situation Scarelina.

9:16

Well, to be honest, that one seems kind of easy

9:18

to mess up. Hmm yeah, let's

9:21

return to that later. We don't have to Anyway.

9:24

Somewhere a fire was lit and it was getting

9:26

hotter. This Lord Voltrex

9:28

guy, was now dressed in a ridiculous

9:30

wizard costume, started yelling about

9:33

satan and worthy sacrifices blah

9:35

blah blah. While I was thinking to myself, I

9:37

shouldn't get too close to one of them

9:40

torches with all that oil all over my body.

9:43

Then the fire erupted and it finally dawned

9:45

on me. These naked mofos were

9:47

trying to burn me at the stake. I

9:50

quickly unloosened their pitiful knots.

9:53

I mean ship, If you're going to

9:55

stake a man to the ground so you can

9:57

burn them, learn a simple knot. These

9:59

idio it didn't know what hit the Still

10:02

high on the juice of that South American root

10:04

plant, I jumped to my feet, grabbed

10:06

a large branch, and began beating everyone

10:09

in sight. Oh my god, it was a night to remember.

10:12

But to be honest, I don't remember much.

10:14

I can only tell the tale because years later

10:17

I ran into Lord Voltra, Yes,

10:20

listen to this, who was now going by the name Doug

10:22

Jenkins. Now Jenkins told

10:24

me he was the leader of a sex cult out of

10:26

Frisco that was starting to fall

10:28

apart. He rebranded it a Satanic

10:31

cult to keep people on board so

10:33

there would be more sex parties. Genius,

10:36

I thought, But then inevitably

10:38

he had to up the anti first

10:41

with animal sacrifices, and then I was to

10:43

be the first human sacer. He

10:45

found me wandering in the desert and nothing but

10:48

a cut off football jersey and brought

10:50

me back to this cult where they were going to burn

10:52

me. I shook his hand and

10:54

we parted ways, no hard feelings. I

10:56

went back to my news desk, and he started a little

10:59

company called l Computers. And

11:01

that, my friends, is where the

11:03

story really begins. No, the

11:06

story began a long time ago. I just I

11:08

don't get it. So you're trying to say

11:10

there are satanic cults, and

11:13

Q and On is right to believe it. Precisely,

11:16

there are satanic cults. However,

11:18

do they really control anything other

11:20

than hippies and runaways? Hardly

11:23

likely. The Satanic cults

11:25

I have encountered have all formed because

11:28

one guy wants to get laid. That

11:30

was true of manson nexium cults

11:32

and most cults. It's actually pretty apt.

11:35

I mean, heck, I would form a cult, except I

11:37

can get laid any day of the week. Oh

11:39

yeah, that's true. You should form

11:41

a coult, Carolina. What's

11:43

that supposed to mean? You

11:46

know you? No, I don't

11:48

nothing, nothing at all. Just

11:51

just maybe you'd find a date. You

11:53

don't have many options, and this is an option, That's

11:56

all I'm saying I can do. Just find

11:58

dating without joining a call. Oh

12:00

no, no, never join a cold. Then

12:02

you're stuck sleeping with some greasy loser.

12:05

You have to start your own and pile up naked

12:07

men like Jenga pieces. I'm not going

12:09

to do that, Ron, I mean,

12:11

honestly, this is the most normal

12:14

dating advice you've ever given me. But I don't

12:16

need to start or join a cold

12:18

to find a boyfriend or find a partner

12:20

or whatever. Okay, fair enough, moving

12:35

on, I want to talk about the whole

12:37

child abduction part of Q and On right.

12:40

So, one of the main beliefs of the Q

12:42

and On followers is that this cabal

12:45

of elites, mainly Hollywood

12:47

actors and Hillary Clinton, kidnap

12:49

children, slaughter and eat them to gain power

12:51

from their blood. Those are some

12:54

serious charges, yes, but you can't

12:56

take them seriously. It's like the most ridiculous

12:59

claim ever. It's like what Nazis used to say

13:01

about Jews. There's a real correlation

13:04

here with Nazis and Q and On. But

13:06

but that's for another day. Let's consider

13:08

the fact. I don't know if we should do that episode, but I

13:11

want to make it abundantly clear. I have never

13:13

ever eaten a baby. No one thinks

13:16

that that needs to be on the record. Ron

13:19

has never eaten a baby, Are

13:21

we clear? Yes? We always assumed

13:24

that. I know some pretty powerful people. Randy

13:27

Quaid comes to mind, Neil de grass

13:29

Tyson, another TikTok

13:31

celebrity, Charlie Damilo. So

13:34

yeah, I'm a big deal, and as far

13:36

as I know, none of them have engaged

13:38

in baby eating. That said, let's

13:40

discuss the science. I think there's

13:42

some idea that would eating a baby

13:45

make you appear younger. That's the question.

13:47

Yes, once again, I've never eaten

13:49

a baby. However, my old work

13:51

associate and drinking buddy Champ kind

13:53

once took me on an adventure into

13:56

one of the darkest corners of human

13:58

depravity. Champ, as you know, could

14:00

be a little reckless in his associations.

14:03

That he introduced me to a suspicious

14:05

man named Larry Choi, who

14:07

claimed he could rejuvenate the human body with

14:09

a dren of chrome harvesting. If

14:12

you haven't heard of a dren of chrome harvesting, then

14:14

you're lucky. I was to learn

14:16

all too much about this very real

14:19

and dangerous subject. Champ

14:21

introduced me to Mr Choi one night

14:23

in a Denny's dinner, where I munched carelessly

14:25

on a three egg Grand Slam breakfast

14:28

with bacon and sausage patties and

14:30

home fries, along with two silver dollar pancakes

14:33

and a side of ham slices with French toes,

14:35

and another omelet with feta cheese and

14:37

ham, which came with a side dish

14:40

of sausage links and a wavers

14:42

grand cheros and biscuits and gravy,

14:44

all washed down with hot cups of coffee

14:47

and a malted milkshake. All

14:51

in between bites. I got to know Larry

14:53

Choi, and he invited me to a private

14:56

island off the coast of South America where certain

14:58

celebrities, liberal elites, and

15:00

high powered athletes were also

15:02

present. Not wanting to damage

15:04

anyone's reputation, I can't divulge who

15:07

was there. I could drop clues.

15:09

If you want to really work out it, you can try.

15:12

For instance, a recent Super Bowl

15:14

winning quarterback who used to play for the New

15:16

England Patriots was there,

15:18

A handsome Hollywood leading man

15:20

known for his work in Titanic, and

15:23

Peter Thield. So you just

15:26

outed Tom Brady, Leonardo DiCaprio,

15:28

and Peter Field. You're a super sleuth.

15:31

No, I made that. I made that super easy.

15:33

I couldn't help it. It was kind of cool

15:35

that I was on a secluded island

15:37

with these celebrities and others. I

15:39

can't mention Eva Longoria, Ashton

15:41

cut you're Lebron James. I can't help it to

15:43

be in the company of these people. It speaks

15:46

to my vanity. Hillary Clinton,

15:48

George so Stephen King enough, I'm

15:50

revealing too much. Kira Knightley

15:53

halle Berry, Brian Williams, They're all

15:55

done good, Andy Sandberg, Michael

15:57

Strahan, Dame Judy Dench, so many

15:59

more. Anyway, suffice

16:01

it to say I was in good company.

16:05

Now, for my listeners who are a

16:07

little squeamish, the details of

16:09

what I'm about to tell you are

16:11

horrific, beyond the pale. If

16:13

you cannot handle blood, or torture or

16:16

murder, please stop listening. Oh wait,

16:18

Cameron Diaz was there too. I just had

16:20

to throw that in. All the events that followed

16:23

did in fact happen, and by recounting them,

16:25

I know I'll give great support to

16:27

the que and on followers, but I cannot deny

16:29

the facts of the night. Are you ready, Carolina? I

16:32

really I don't know if I am Carolina.

16:35

This is real life I'm talking about. Are

16:37

you ready? I'm ready, I'm ready. There

16:39

we were, this majestic

16:41

group of elite people, seated

16:43

along too beautifully appointed dining

16:46

tables in an outdoor patio

16:48

that overlooked the ocean. The atmosphere

16:51

was electric. Over in the corner,

16:53

popular singer and musician Sting played

16:55

gently on his guitar for our amusement. The

16:58

conversation was intoxic, and the wine

17:00

was selected by the finest Somalia from

17:02

the private bolts of Peter Theo. From

17:05

out of the lodge, a group of masked waiters

17:08

appeared, holding individual serving platters

17:10

covered on top, so we could not

17:13

as of yet see the delicious meal

17:15

that was to come. Each person

17:17

there, Rachel Maddow was there, had

17:20

their own covered silver platter.

17:22

The anticipation was great.

17:25

Larry CHOI made a quick toast and then

17:27

told everyone to dig in. I

17:30

lifted the cover off my plate, and there

17:32

before me was a live baby.

17:35

At first, I thought this must be some kind of joke.

17:37

But I turned my head and saw all

17:39

of these elites and Hollywood celebrities

17:42

taking huge forkfuls of baby

17:44

meat and stuffing it in their mouths.

17:48

I know none of this happened, of course

17:50

not. I'm bullshitting you. See

17:53

how easy it is to make up stories about people

17:55

we don't know. I do know Michael

17:57

Strayan, however, no eats

18:00

babies. It's ridiculous, Carolina.

18:03

But it's fun to make up mean stories about

18:05

people who have better lives than ours. It

18:07

just is. Are there some

18:09

elites who are immoral and criminal? Donald

18:12

Trump comes to mind, along with Jeffrey Epstein.

18:15

But is there a group of elites that eat babies

18:18

or drink blood. Give me a break, people.

18:20

There are too many Americans who spend too

18:22

much time online reading about Hillary

18:25

Clinton, satanic baby eating cold and

18:27

not enough time with hobbies. Do

18:30

you have hobbies, Carolina? Hobby?

18:33

I? I don't know. I like shopping online,

18:35

I guess, and then I watched

18:38

TV like most

18:40

people. Well that's the problem with kids

18:42

these days. What happened to hobbies? We

18:44

should we should do a whole show on hobbies. I

18:46

have so many hobbies. I only have time for

18:49

my hobbies. I like to whittle. Do

18:51

you like to whittle? Like whittle?

18:53

Would? I've never even tried. Give

18:55

it a try. Whittling is fun. How

18:57

about stamp collecting? Do you collect stamps?

19:00

No? Neither do I, But stamp collecting

19:02

would take great perseverance

19:05

and research. If you collected

19:07

stamps, you probably wouldn't have time to

19:09

think about a cabal of Satan worshiping elites

19:11

who are staying youthful by eating babies.

19:13

No, you'd be on the lookout for that rare

19:15

inverted Jenny, the rarest

19:18

stamp out there. What a hobby

19:20

that would be. You can almost feel the

19:22

blood pumping excitement in stamp

19:24

collecting. Can't you care that the

19:26

blood pumping excitement? No, I stamp

19:29

Clifton kind of sounds boring as hobbies

19:31

go. Sure, it's boring if you're used to sitting

19:34

around looking at porn all night and reading about

19:36

satanic colts. But not all hobbies

19:38

are boring, by the way, Well, give me an

19:40

exciting hobby. Okay, easy,

19:42

metal detective. If you want

19:44

to get the blood pumping and the heart

19:46

racing, get yourself a metal detector.

19:49

It's a better feeling than you'll

19:51

ever get in a Nevada horehouse, if you know what

19:53

I mean. No, you can't

19:55

just say that, and I don't know

19:58

what you mean. You never even talked about metal

20:00

detecting to me before. I can't.

20:02

I'm afraid I might reveal my secret spots.

20:05

Secret spots. Yes, metal

20:08

heads as we call ourselves. You know we

20:10

have our secret locations where

20:13

great treasures have been found. So

20:15

no need to invite other metal heads to take

20:17

our plunder. Over the years, I've

20:19

found watches, rings, coins

20:21

of plenty. I even found Spanish doubloons

20:24

where thousands of dollars. However, I

20:26

don't do it to make money or bragg I'm

20:29

sorry. If you don't do it to make

20:31

money or brag, why do you do it?

20:33

It's good fun and here's the bonus.

20:36

Because I'm out there looking for old metal,

20:38

I don't spend my time thinking there's a

20:40

satanic cult stealing babies and

20:43

eating them does make

20:45

sense, of course, it makes sense. If people

20:47

had hobbies, they wouldn't care about demographic

20:49

changes in the country. They wouldn't care about

20:52

gay people getting married or who's

20:54

using a bathroom. Remember

20:56

that guy who drove forward miles to comment Ping

20:58

Pong pizza because thought Hillary

21:00

and John Podesta were operating a pedophile

21:02

ring in the back. Um. Yeah,

21:04

they called pizza Gate. He actually shot

21:07

the place up. Well, if he collected bottles

21:09

or painted rocks, he wouldn't have done that. He

21:11

wouldn't be in jail. He'd be at home

21:13

cleaning his bottle collection or painting

21:15

a rock to look like a ladybug. People

21:18

need to get hobbies. It's that simple, okay,

21:20

But what about the news media. Is there a

21:22

caball of elites who run our news outlets

21:25

that I'm afraid is true.

21:28

I worked in the news game for most of my life

21:30

as you know. In fact, not to brag,

21:32

but I was one of the most important news anchors

21:35

in the history of evening news.

21:37

For much of my career, I was with k

21:40

vw N on Channel four down in San

21:42

Diego, a town kissed by

21:44

the sun gods and blessed by the what

21:47

people don't know too well as I did

21:49

a stint out of Little Rock on the news

21:51

desk for their evening news. The

21:54

station was w r O P. You

21:56

can look it up. This is a true story, and

21:58

it was owned and operated by Clem Hawkins,

22:00

the am King they called him.

22:03

Clim was married to a very beautiful,

22:05

large, very large,

22:07

extremely large world named

22:10

Patricia Anne Hawkins. Everyone

22:13

included Clem called her Patty Cakes. And

22:15

when I got to Little Rock there was there was a lot of unrest

22:18

brewing over civil rights, the Vietnam

22:20

War, and women's lib I

22:22

was eager to get stories about these earth shattering

22:25

events out to my viewers. My

22:27

first day, Clem sat me down and explained

22:29

the rules. I quickly learned

22:32

I wasn't going to have a lot of say about the kinds

22:34

of stories I was reporting on. He

22:37

and Patty Cakes had approved everything

22:39

we reported on in our half hour patty

22:42

cakes didn't mind a little pizzaz. She

22:45

tolerated some feel good stories from Vietnams

22:49

and an occasional story about a woman

22:51

with her own business. She apparently

22:54

spent a semester in an East Coast school

22:56

getting a liberal education, but she

22:58

didn't want to dip her large pink

23:00

round toes and any of the boiling waters

23:03

of that civil rights stuff. The

23:05

ham King had a business, and he couldn't take

23:07

sides too much on any issue. His

23:10

business was to provide the juiciest and most

23:12

tender honey baked hams the Little

23:14

Rock and the surrounding areas. He

23:16

reasoned, if he ran a story that anger

23:19

had divided his viewers, he could lose out

23:21

on a ham sale. Stories

23:23

that were too political were out of the question.

23:26

Our job, besides reporting on the amazing

23:28

charitable work of petticakes, of which

23:30

truth be told, there were none, was

23:33

to keep everyone happy and sell

23:35

hams. Hams built the empire.

23:37

Clem Hawkins sat at top, and he'd

23:39

be damned if his own TV station wasn't

23:42

going to keep it that way. So you

23:44

avoided news stories that might make people

23:46

sad or angry because the owner didn't

23:49

want a drop in ham sales. Is

23:51

that? Am I getting that right? Essentially?

23:53

Yes? Well, I can imagine

23:56

as a newsman that must have been

23:58

oppressive. I mean, I bet

24:01

you were glad to get out of there. Are you

24:03

kidding me? I love Little Rock. I had a house

24:05

overlooking the Arkansas River with

24:07

an eight person capacity hot

24:09

tub. My face was on billboards

24:12

all over town. I hosted the annual Easter egg

24:14

hunt. But you're a news anchor. You didn't

24:16

get to tell the news didn't matter to me.

24:18

I was young and having a ball. So

24:20

why did you leave Little Rock? Well? You know

24:22

me. I I got into the old trouble

24:25

I always get into. I had patty

24:27

cakes in my hot tub almost every night, and we

24:30

weren't playing patty cakes if you know what I mean. You

24:32

don't have to tell me that. Almost everyone in town

24:34

knew I was rolling around with Clem's

24:36

wife except the ham king himself.

24:39

And let me tell you something. She was a real expert,

24:41

professional grin. I don't need to I'm

24:43

sure you don't have any idea what I'm talking about.

24:45

I'm not really interested. No, of course not.

24:48

Do you like a plump guy? Um?

24:50

I based my romantic attachments

24:53

on character. Usually I don't think about that stuff

24:55

me too. Do

24:58

you like the character of

25:00

a plump, very hefty gentleman.

25:03

You know we've talked about this with

25:05

Hr in the room, but I don't really want

25:07

to talk about my love life. I'm not going

25:09

to start a cult to get laid, and I'm not

25:12

going to talk about professional lovers.

25:14

Fair enough, yes, HR says,

25:16

I can't push it. Well, you're pushing it right now,

25:20

push it, push it real

25:22

good. Bump bum bump, bump

25:24

bump. But no, no, no no, no, I'll

25:27

forgive me. I'll just say this, Patty

25:30

Cakes. If you're still out there and you're listening,

25:32

you're always welcome in the Burgundy at

25:34

dub. Do not bring your husband.

25:37

Do bring one of his hams. They

25:39

were beyond delicious, the

25:41

ham Kings hams. His hams were

25:44

mouth wateringly good. You tried

25:46

to shoot my own butt off, But I see

25:48

this, Christ, Yeah, I slipped out of down on

25:50

a stolen Stingray bicycle. Those

25:53

were desperate days. They were heavy days,

25:55

and days filled with wonder and love.

25:58

I'm sorry, I'm just I'm still a little confused. Swept

26:00

story. You say you didn't mind

26:02

the station owner controlling the news. But

26:04

you're a news anchor, so you're there to

26:06

tell people what's going on in the world. Right,

26:09

Carolina, What that did

26:12

they teach you at Mount Holyoke College.

26:15

Let me tell you something about the news game, young lady.

26:17

There's never been a news show that isn't

26:19

controlled by a business interest

26:22

the end, whether it's keeping

26:24

your margins, selling hands, or selling

26:26

ad space, news is not truth.

26:29

When some station owner weighs the cost

26:31

of financial damage against truthful news,

26:33

the scale never tips to the truth. I

26:36

was the top anchorman in the San Diego

26:38

region because I kept the ratings up,

26:40

way up. I'm handsome, have

26:42

the best voice, and I have a great

26:45

deal of sex appeal. If I didn't

26:47

have the trifecta, as it's known

26:49

in the news game, then ratings would

26:51

have dropped and I would have been out. Pure

26:54

business decision. There isn't

26:56

a news station out there that can afford

26:58

to tell Americans the truth. Okay,

27:00

what about PBS though it

27:03

stands for a pure bullshit.

27:06

They've got their own pressures to stay afloat,

27:08

and they have to suck a lot

27:10

of metaphorical and literal boners to

27:13

do it. You can quote me on that. So

27:27

there is, in fact that cabal of elites running

27:29

our news and information services. Is

27:31

that what you're saying precisely?

27:34

And the cabal is called capitalism.

27:37

It's the fifth greatest ideology

27:39

invented since the beginning of man. It's

27:41

messy and silly and unfair, and it leads

27:44

to a lot of slanted and untruthful

27:46

news that makes life very confusing

27:48

for people who don't have hobbies. Wow,

27:50

so you're saying truth is impossible

27:53

under a capitalist system. I'm not a

27:55

professor at Spellman College, where you went

27:57

to school. But the answer is no, they

28:00

is truth. People have to be smart

28:02

and use their noggins and sometimes,

28:04

if they're very lucky, they will find

28:06

it. Can can the news help you? Bet? Did

28:09

I try every night from my news desk to tell the

28:11

truth? I sure did? Did I also

28:13

lie straight to people's faces? I

28:15

did that too, I'm not even sorry

28:17

about it. Lying is fun. It just is

28:20

you must lie all the time. You're young and smart.

28:23

I bet you're a good liar. Um, I

28:25

honestly try not to lie. It just makes me feel

28:28

way too guilty. Is that a lie?

28:30

No? I call bs really

28:34

give me a break. You are a foul

28:36

mouth, dirty liar and you know it. You

28:38

know it. You you filthy, dirty

28:40

lying machine. Everywhere out of your

28:42

mouth is a lie, a bold face lie.

28:45

You never said a truthful thing to me ever,

28:48

ever? Do you hear me? Liar?

28:50

You're the biggest liar in the world. Jennifer

28:53

Bagley, Run, run, run,

28:56

look at me. It's me Carolina. Which

28:58

happened? Where did that come from?

29:00

Oh? I have some anger issues with an old girlfriend

29:03

and you to work through. Jennifer Bagley. Yes,

29:05

Jennifer Bagley, she dumped me in

29:07

a I took it pretty well, did you.

29:10

I remember I was calm and collected and didn't

29:13

bother me one bit. We set our goodbyes,

29:15

and then I remember I went to a Macy's department

29:17

store and bought a new pair of leather

29:19

gloves. Holy hell, that resurface

29:22

in a very unexpected way, didn't it. Yeah,

29:24

it feels like maybe you carried a

29:26

lot of anger around that

29:28

rejection. It's normal. I mean, we all

29:30

carry anger around from past trauma.

29:33

At the time, we push it away so we don't have to

29:35

feel the pain, but it always comes back one

29:37

way or another to hurt us, which it sounds

29:40

like it's happening to you, and it literally

29:42

always will until you can sit down

29:44

and honestly deal with the pain. I

29:47

believe you're right, Carolina. Is it

29:49

possible these Q non believers

29:51

are carrying around a lot of rejection

29:53

and trauma, as you say that, they

29:55

just haven't dealt with it in an honest

29:58

way. Instead, maybe they

30:00

find comfort in ridiculous conspiracy

30:02

theories about Hillary Clinton, the way I might

30:04

find comfort in gladiator films and long,

30:07

barefoot walks along the freeway.

30:09

I guess we all have our ways of dealing

30:12

with internal pain. I suppose

30:14

there's nothing wrong with believing an elite cabal

30:17

of Satan worshippers eats babies.

30:19

I I guess it's only wrong when they

30:21

storm the Capitol Building. So basically

30:23

you're saying NAN is harmless. Well,

30:26

except that most of them are racist too,

30:29

So in that sense, we're talking about some pretty

30:31

gullible dumps who are mad they've been

30:33

rejected in the world and can't deal with

30:36

it. It would be great if they

30:38

all got hobbies and mellowed out, but in the meantime,

30:40

all we can do is laugh at them. The

30:43

world keeps moving on their their kind

30:45

will lose out A new conspiracy theories

30:47

will take the place of the old. There

30:50

is one conspiracy theory I shall never

30:52

let go of, and I will believe till the day

30:54

I die. Um,

30:56

Yeah, which one is that? You

30:59

could probably guess when I'm to say, no, I can't.

31:01

I can never do that. I think about one of the

31:03

things I like to talk about a lot um

31:06

the patty cakes. Uh.

31:09

The conspiracy of love? All

31:11

right, right, yes, I

31:13

guess that makes sense. Love controls

31:15

the world despite what it looks like

31:17

in our our newspapers and on TV.

31:20

Love has held us together throughout the history

31:23

of man. For if it were not for

31:25

love, we would have finished ourselves off long

31:27

ago. There there's no need to look any

31:29

deeper than that. A great power

31:31

we don't understand does control everything.

31:34

It is a conspiracy, a

31:37

conspiracy born within

31:39

the human heart. The conspiracy

31:43

is love. For what

31:45

is love? H

32:03

gosh, darn it. That was

32:06

very ill time, But I just couldn't hold

32:08

that in what a corker, A

32:11

real room clear. It's so

32:13

awful it brought tears to your eyes.

32:18

Excuse me, I mean, I certainly didn't mean to

32:20

put on a Broadway musical,

32:22

so to speak. I'll tell you what happened.

32:24

I had a lobster sandwich for lunch, and

32:27

for the life of me, I don't remember buying it, so

32:29

it could have been months old. Jesus,

32:32

that won't take a toll on the digestive

32:34

system for sure. And for

32:37

those of you not in the studio, the

32:40

sound, although grandiose and

32:42

forceful, I can't even compare

32:44

to the damage it's doing to the air quality

32:47

here in this small Carolina

32:50

Wait, what's going on? Why? Why are you packing up? I'm

32:52

going to throw up Byron. No, don't

32:58

you know what. I don't blame

33:00

her. This one feels different,

33:03

perhaps dangerous. I

33:06

hope you learned something about Q and On today.

33:08

I know I did. It's not going

33:11

away, much like the smell in this studio

33:13

right now. I assume if you're

33:15

smart enough to be listening to this podcast,

33:17

then you're not stupid enough to fall

33:19

for this Q and On bullshit. If

33:22

you are, though, get a hobby. My

33:25

name is Ron Burgundy, and it

33:27

could be weeks before I can step into the studio

33:30

again. So in the meantime, brush

33:32

your teeth and try and stay

33:34

Glassie