0:00

I did everything I wanted to do,

0:02

but I'm so much more unhappy now.

0:04

So empty. So empty. I have tried

0:06

everything that the world has, almost everything

0:09

that the world has to offer. Oh,

0:11

if I had this status or this

0:13

money or this boyfriend or whatever, it

0:15

never satisfies. Like, it never

0:18

does. If there are so many single listening, like,

0:20

do you have any advice for them? I think

0:22

a lot of the times we're like, I want

0:24

this, this, and this in somebody. And we point

0:26

the finger like, you need to be like this.

0:28

But like, am I the wife that my

0:31

husband would want to be with? And

0:33

so God literally told me that day,

0:35

stop everything in your career, quit, literally

0:37

lay it back down on the altar.

0:39

And when I tell you if I

0:41

tell you to pick it back up,

0:43

you will. If, wow. That day, my

0:45

dream died. Hey,

0:53

y'all. Welcome back to the salty podcast with

0:55

Devin. Y'all, I am a national today

0:57

with a really special guest. I

0:59

have been waiting to meet her for like

1:02

a year or so or more. Anyways,

1:04

without further ado, Madison Watkins is

1:07

here. Hi, guys. Oh,

1:09

my gosh. Devin. Y'all,

1:11

we are so stoked. This is probably the most

1:14

excited I've been about a podcast episode. Because

1:16

it's like we're meeting for the

1:19

first time in person. So this whole

1:21

conversation, y'all, is going to be us

1:23

kind of getting to know each other

1:25

and talking a lot about Jesus. Yes,

1:27

I cannot wait. We literally have like

1:30

I feel like we've been fans of each other,

1:32

which is weird. Yeah. But we met today. We

1:34

both were like, hi, I love you. I know.

1:36

Oh, my God. So fun. Sister's gonna be so

1:38

jealous. Say you is you're the one person she

1:40

was like, OK, if you have her on the

1:42

podcast, like I have to be there. Sorry,

1:45

Sage. My

1:47

sister said the same thing. She was like, if you

1:50

ever meet her like I want to be there. Well,

1:52

sorry, Kat. Love you. I'll

1:55

face on stage. Yeah, I think you do. We'll

1:57

face our sisters. Yeah, we have so much to

1:59

talk about. We I literally got here probably

2:01

20 minutes ago and we have talked 90 to nothing

2:04

Yeah, cuz we're just trying to get to

2:06

know each other so much obviously, I

2:08

know a lot about you, but we go

2:10

ahead and tell our listeners a little bit

2:12

about who you are and Who

2:16

you are? My

2:20

name is Madison Watkins and I

2:24

think you found me on American Idol. I'm

2:26

a recording artist. I make music for my

2:28

my life my living

2:32

And yeah, I just moved to Nashville

2:34

from LA I was in LA for

2:36

seven years and really like yeah I

2:41

know I know so I'm

2:43

originally from Arkansas though. Okay, so southern

2:45

girl So it's good to be back

2:47

in the south. But yeah, I knew watching you in

2:49

American Idol. You were southern I might

2:52

leave the Arkansas apart. But yeah, I mean

2:54

you have a southern accent really. Yeah. Oh

2:56

my look, I'm I'm

3:00

looking at Hunter. I'm like Hunter. I Did

3:04

say Hunter's name when y'all came in I said Hunter.

3:06

Yes. I said how you say it. Yeah Okay,

3:09

was American Idol seven years ago

3:11

then? No American Idol was imagined

3:16

You know No

3:20

American Idol was three years ago

3:22

only three. Mm-hmm. Oh my gosh.

3:24

Yo, so I don't watch

3:26

American Idol really I'll sometimes if I'm

3:28

on wanting to watch a show and

3:30

it's just like one random episode, huh? but

3:33

Madison season is the season that me and hunter watch

3:36

Like what's up, okay, babe. It was okay.

3:39

So that's what we were at home. Uh-huh.

3:41

Our Ben show Yeah, and I saw you

3:43

on there and I could just spill something.

3:45

I was like she loves Jesus She's

3:47

got to but even if I was like, I

3:49

want to be her friend. Here we are. I'm sitting on her couch.

3:52

I Love

3:54

it that experience too. It was crazy

3:56

because people think that I just was

3:58

like super stoked to be on on

4:00

it, which it's not that I wasn't. Okay. But they

4:02

asked me during COVID if I wanted to be on the

4:05

show. And I was kind of like,

4:07

I don't know. Like, I don't

4:09

think I want to do a reality

4:11

show, like a singing show, whatever. And

4:13

then it was crazy because I

4:16

said, no, they asked me again. I said, no. The

4:18

third time I felt like God was like, girl,

4:21

they asked you multiple times. Yes.

4:23

And you said, no. Yes. And

4:26

then the producers were like, it's during COVID.

4:28

Like everyone's going to be home watching their

4:30

TV. Like just do it, like be on

4:32

it, experience it. And so I was, I

4:35

was being a little stubborn though. Okay.

4:37

Yeah. Just because like with reality TV,

4:39

you just don't know how they're

4:41

going to portray you. You don't know. You could

4:43

go on there for one episode and then be

4:45

cut. Like you just don't know. Wait, that's so

4:47

true. You know, I don't know the background or

4:49

like what the behind scenes look like. So

4:52

it makes sense. It's like, that is, was that the

4:55

reason you said no the first few times?

4:57

Yeah. I just, I said, I wasn't going to

4:59

bring this up, but I'm gonna bring it up. Well,

5:03

I was on America's Got Talent whenever

5:05

I was younger, like five

5:08

years before or something like that. And it like

5:11

scarred me. Did it? It did.

5:13

Because when I got cut, like

5:16

I like now

5:19

I laugh at her because I'm like, it's sweet.

5:21

But I like cried. Like I was so sad

5:23

because it was like the beginning of my career.

5:25

Like I didn't really know anything. And

5:27

then I cried. No, I know.

5:30

I mean, that's the part of like being

5:32

rejected. It is on national television. It's like,

5:34

like these girls that go on The Bachelor.

5:36

I'm like, how? Oh, I know. Because

5:39

I'm like a singing show. She's like, I don't want

5:41

to get cut. But I'm like, if someone's like, I

5:43

don't like you, I would be like, but yeah,

5:45

I was like, I

5:48

just didn't want that to happen again. Cause I

5:50

like just cried on TV and like everyone saw

5:52

it and I was just like. Embarrassed. I think.

5:54

And so I was like, I don't want to

5:56

do that again. And, but

5:58

then American Idol worked out really. well oh

6:00

my gosh yeah slayed okay

6:04

so when did have you always been a singer I'm

6:06

starting really young like did you know this was something

6:08

you wanted to do yeah

6:10

it's crazy because I started singing in church when I

6:13

was like 10 okay and

6:15

I did this like church

6:17

musical that was like so sweet I hope Ivy's

6:19

a singer oh she is she

6:22

notes out like she loves singing

6:24

but she I know I'm like

6:28

yo and mumu coming to town I mean we

6:30

all sing together girl you can give her some

6:32

voice lessons yeah she'll sing like little princess songs

6:34

and stuff she was going through a

6:36

period where she would belt out like songs just sing

6:38

all day and now like recently

6:40

we just talked about the other day like

6:43

why doesn't she sing that much anymore and

6:45

so I'm like maybe somebody maybe nobody said

6:47

anything cuz we're so encouraging we're like sing sing

6:50

and she just stopped isn't that funny yeah

6:53

you do voice lessons you can come to imagine

6:55

oh she would think you're a princess if

6:58

you came she would and you sang oh my

7:00

gosh she would be so infatuated you should come

7:02

sing for her I would love that yeah I

7:05

mean I'm literally I'm gonna say with y'all oh no like

7:07

we've already talked about it I think like next week no

7:09

I think it's like so sweet cuz

7:12

basically as

7:19

a kid like I grew up singing in church

7:22

and that's really like how I got my start

7:24

with everything was just like singing

7:26

about Jesus yeah and back

7:28

then I feel like it was like I didn't

7:31

realize how special that was but now I look

7:33

back and I'm like those years

7:35

were like the foundation so basically when

7:37

I was like ten I

7:40

like literally heard from God which is

7:43

now I look back and I'm like I didn't

7:45

know that I was like hearing from God but

7:47

like my little ten-year-old heart like heard his voice

7:49

and I just remember he said

7:52

like this is what you're

7:54

gonna do and I was

7:56

listening to Whitney Houston no way

7:59

And my room boy you're my real

8:01

Whitney here are not even close. Know

8:03

it. Know us saying you have as

8:05

I should be voice your your hadn't

8:07

heard her say you'll have to go

8:09

listen to her saying all says a

8:11

single you do You grew up christian

8:13

and a Christian household. Yeah I grew

8:15

up. My parents are like so strong

8:17

in their face and I grew up

8:19

like. That. though in his

8:21

heard psych really like. Diving

8:23

and summer camps all his and

8:26

then I feel like when I

8:28

moved to allay was a time

8:30

where I was like okay. I'm.

8:32

Like this is real life. Like I

8:34

have to billie decide like. If.

8:36

I wanna. Pursue. Jesus

8:38

Of My Whole life. With. Everything him

8:40

in there was just play. I remember I moved to L

8:42

A and I was like. I can

8:45

be anything I want to be like. I.

8:47

Did you know. Go

8:49

crazy. I get like follow Jesus. I could

8:51

do whatever and I just remember there was

8:53

a moment where I was like. Know

8:56

like this is my stay and like

8:58

I once you. Represent

9:00

Jesus with my whole life, my whole

9:02

career, Everything. even if people around me

9:04

aren't doing that well you know of

9:07

that. How was that? Like being stepping

9:09

into Hollywood making that decision? Really? Okay

9:11

I can either go this way and

9:14

walk in are basically kind of not

9:16

have say live life sign l a

9:18

you think of right. Him.

9:20

Every day like you're like flesh

9:22

would desire is in L A

9:25

and it was at your fingertips.

9:27

Yeah so why how is that?

9:29

such a decision that I've eight

9:31

yeah I remember because also I've

9:33

hundred grew up with like a

9:35

lot of pressure. And. My youth

9:37

group and my youth group was great I

9:39

just remember everybody colleagues looked up to me

9:41

to this point where like I never felt

9:43

like I could like sin or like do

9:45

anything wrong or people would like. Or

9:48

maybe ipad is pressure myself? I just felt

9:50

like. of hey like I have

9:52

to be this like perfect person. And

9:54

like my actions have to like each

9:56

day. like I wasn't living in that

9:59

like race that. The give us like I was

10:01

just china like. Look good

10:03

to people like I remember thinking like I

10:05

didn't ever drink and and high school or

10:07

college or my. Why? Didn't I

10:09

and I realized it wasn't because I was

10:11

like, no, this is like. You.

10:13

Know what? she's one for My life. It

10:16

was more like how other people viewed it

10:18

and they viewed me as like a good

10:20

person. So when I moved away I just

10:22

remember. Having

10:24

a temptation of like. Dot.

10:27

On a date, a bunch of people and

10:29

go wow and like being the music industry

10:31

do all these nice and I remember hours

10:33

at one day in worship and I just

10:35

remember being like. Why? Would I

10:37

want? Anything. Else die.

10:41

Doesn't. Satisfy me like Jesus satisfies

10:43

me like he truly is the

10:45

thing that fill that void in

10:48

my heart. And it.

10:51

He loves me so much that like

10:53

why why wouldn't I love him back

10:55

and. Represent. Him with my

10:57

life is wow did you grow up

10:59

any Christian? Yes how you look at

11:01

length as say like that so relate

11:03

of all because I feel like same

11:05

so Alice kind of in the middle

11:07

child. I didn't have like the middle

11:09

child syndrome where you know they are

11:11

like rebellious or whatever. yeah arm but

11:13

I had older sisters had younger sisters

11:15

I learned a lot from are older

11:17

sisters of what not to do so

11:19

it almost kind of put me in

11:21

place and scared me. Okay don't do

11:23

that because you're gonna be disciplined and

11:25

there's consequences. Your actions and all that

11:28

I had younger sisters were like of

11:30

he was have to be a good

11:32

influence to them. So it's always a

11:34

good kid and us do looking back.

11:37

Same like whenever hundred I got relationship

11:39

things we didn't do. it was never

11:41

because of the reasons and the gift

11:43

that got half or us in the

11:45

blessings of that it was more out

11:47

is. doing right by people

11:49

like legalism a little they are yeah

11:51

and i didn't want to as i

11:53

felt the pressure that people are watching

11:55

and that is so pressure feel now

11:57

the in a different way it's like

11:59

i'm excited that I get to be

12:01

a good role model and

12:03

people are watching and hope that it

12:06

doesn't lead to an ashtray, you know?

12:08

Right. But pressure

12:10

in the sense of, like

12:12

you said, it was almost that I

12:15

didn't want to make a mistake because I didn't

12:17

want to be seen differently or like, oh my

12:19

gosh, like they're gonna not see me as the

12:21

good girl anymore or I'm

12:24

responsible for their actions. Right. And

12:26

if they see me do this and stumble and fall, then

12:28

they're gonna do that. And that was the way I did

12:31

not want to carry. And so even,

12:33

but now it's the same way. Like, I

12:35

don't want to cause anybody to stumble and

12:37

fall. So I am careful of my actions

12:39

and all that, but it's, it's a freedom.

12:41

I feel I'm doing it because of him,

12:43

not because of them. They just get

12:45

to reap the benefits of that. That's

12:48

a little bit. I

12:51

love that. Yes. I

12:53

love that Devin. Like I feel like

12:55

you, you and Hunter,

12:58

the way that you live your lives, and

13:01

I say this like not in a

13:03

pressure way, but just it makes people

13:05

drawn to Jesus. That's so nice. Because

13:08

of y'all's love and your

13:10

grace, not because of like that you read

13:12

the Bible or that you do like these

13:14

like legalistic things, but it's like people see

13:17

y'all's marriage. They see how you treat each

13:19

other. They see the joy of the Lord

13:21

in your heart. That's so nice. That

13:23

draws people to you guys. Thanks for saying

13:25

that. That's so sweet. Yeah.

13:28

I feel that in when we started social media,

13:30

a part of that testimony in of itself as

13:33

I started, because I knew it was from God

13:35

and I was like, okay, God, if you bless

13:37

this, cause I knew that it was a calling

13:39

that he had, but I didn't know what to

13:42

expect. And I remember him saying surrender,

13:44

surrender, surrender. And I'm like, how the heck do you surrender? Well,

13:46

eventually I prayed about it and I was like, Oh, that's what

13:48

you mean. You just wanted me to bring it to you and

13:50

be like, okay, this is what you want. It's

13:52

yours. I want to give all the glory. You

13:54

mindset. We started and I felt like I'm like, okay, I

13:56

have to give all the glory to him. How do I

13:58

do that? read my Bible in here, let

14:01

me preach on here, let me do this. And then it

14:03

was like, he was like, no. He

14:05

said, they will know you by your fruit and

14:07

they'll see me and you through that.

14:09

Come on, Pastor Devon. And

14:12

so that is why it does, I'm

14:15

like hearing that. I'm like, see,

14:17

yes, that is confirmation and encouragement that we're

14:19

doing what we're supposed to do. And honestly,

14:21

we're gonna make mistakes and we're in the

14:23

spotlight, so everything's more. And you

14:25

can, I'm sure you relate to that. How is that

14:27

you going from not

14:29

in the spotlight, just singing in

14:31

church to now you're on a stage, singing

14:33

in front of all these people, how

14:36

was that? Yeah,

14:39

it's crazy. Cause I feel

14:41

like our stories

14:43

are similar in that the

14:45

only thing that I felt like I

14:47

could do was just surrender

14:50

what God had told me. And I

14:52

think I did it wrong for a

14:54

long time. Honestly, I feel like just

14:57

this past season, God really taught

14:59

me, this is not yours,

15:02

this is mine. Your

15:04

life's not yours, your gift is not

15:06

yours, your career is not yours, your

15:08

money's not yours. And so

15:10

I think he prepared me

15:12

from a young age where I

15:14

did beauty pageants and these little,

15:16

yeah. That I was on

15:18

stages, but I think it's different, as you

15:21

know, when the world is watching you and

15:23

the world says like mean things or nice things

15:26

or whatever, and then you have to be like,

15:28

where's my identity? Like truly, like, cause

15:30

it's like cute to be like, my

15:33

identity's in Christ, but like, what does

15:35

that look like on a daily basis?

15:37

When someone says, you look fat online,

15:39

you're like, okay. Yes,

15:41

first of all, rude, but like

15:43

second of all, like where do I find

15:45

my identity? Like who does Christ say that

15:47

I am? And even before

15:50

we started this podcast, I

15:52

have these like daily affirmations because

15:55

also this is crazy. Side note, I

15:58

Felt so much spiritual warfare yesterday. They

16:00

away. And now

16:02

at this morning, God was like it's

16:04

because. Something's. Gonna happen on the

16:06

podcast is like an impact you know

16:08

little silly know is so rich Shills

16:10

I typically get so nervous before I

16:13

taught by I had such a piece

16:15

of even hotter they are You feeling

16:17

of mice and genially so excited because

16:19

I knew. Our conversation was

16:21

gonna be so Holy Spirit let him in my

16:23

messages on my Haeger. All right, sorry habits the

16:26

any questions over of like if you're cool with

16:28

it were tunnel at the Holy Spirit lead air

16:30

thing. it's because. He's like, no,

16:32

aren't. Here good job just

16:34

go talk and I'm going to show up

16:37

and and so I'm so excited for people

16:39

to hear this meal like well enemies you

16:41

know laid eyes because yesterday i like felt

16:43

like hours in this funk like I could

16:46

not get out of it all day long

16:48

like it was like and then I just

16:50

as preying on like god what is is

16:52

like. Am. I to pray at like

16:55

you know you go down this rabbit hole

16:57

and I just came out of a season

16:59

that i was depressed so i was like

17:01

m i still the price and then I

17:03

heard the holy Thursday know this is the

17:05

enemy. He. This is spiritual

17:07

warfare. Like start praying, start worshipping. So

17:09

like started like to worshipping and in

17:12

my house like I was literally just

17:14

like singing and praying out loud And

17:16

then he revealed to me it's because

17:18

of. Today. Yeah is like a

17:21

little I could we that I get away

17:23

I always like I did fears are covered

17:25

I would series I like was like. Oh

17:28

my goodness you're gonna do something through

17:30

Devon and I and I think to

17:32

like. Not. The prophesied. but

17:34

I think like our friendship and like there's

17:36

something on a i know we just met

17:38

that I'm like. We. Both love Jesus

17:40

so much in God has a calling for

17:42

both of our lives and I'm like the

17:44

enemy hates that. Absolutely. And so

17:46

he's like oh shoot to powerhouse Jesus loving

17:49

are coming together. Talk about Jesus Yet now

17:51

as a all we have tried to get

17:53

together so many times that any time of

17:56

on L a she's. just leaving

17:58

l a and then wow leaves you getting

18:00

back and we're like dang. And so she moved

18:02

to Nashville. We're in Nashville for Supercross Race and

18:04

I was like, will you be in Nashville? And

18:07

I'm so thankful that we finally got to meet

18:09

and like who did? And like talk about Jesus.

18:11

And from the minute that I saw you, I'm

18:13

like, I could just steal Jesus off of you.

18:16

So you said you just came out of a

18:18

depression season. Yeah. What did that was? Was that

18:20

when you were in LA? Okay.

18:22

Yeah. I think, I think

18:25

for the past like three years I was

18:27

depressed, but I didn't know, which

18:29

that sounds like a long time. And trust

18:31

me, I'm like, I call

18:33

LA like my wilderness season, like where

18:36

it was a really hard season for

18:38

me. Like the whole

18:40

seven years. I mean, I had like a lot

18:43

of traumatic things happen. Like

18:46

I was held at

18:48

gunpoint. What? Yeah.

18:50

I had like, I was in

18:52

an abusive relationship. I was assaulted.

18:55

Like I've had it was,

18:57

and I've never talked about those things. I'm

18:59

like, sister and Christ, what? It's crazy. I've

19:02

never, yeah, you've never talked about it.

19:04

No, not on a podcast. And it's

19:07

interesting because I'm like,

19:09

okay, because I'm like in therapy and like

19:11

talking through it. And, but

19:13

it's crazy because yeah, I

19:15

think God, I'm just coming out of

19:18

this season. I've like a lot of

19:20

trauma, a lot of just

19:22

hard and moving here was like

19:24

such a gift from God because I literally, this

19:26

is the last place I thought I was going

19:28

to live, which people are like, why? Like you're

19:30

an artist, but I just was like, I

19:33

don't know. I'm just not like a country artist. Like

19:35

I'm not like, you know, I just never thought I

19:37

would live in Nashville and God

19:39

brought me here and he's just

19:41

showing me like, I'm doing a new thing.

19:44

I'm, I'm going to get you out of

19:46

this depression season. And I do feel like

19:48

I'm like coming out of it, but

19:51

people, even what you said, we

19:53

talked about it on the

19:55

way up. Here's what I'm going to hear. You, you brought

19:57

up something like when you first started social media or something

20:00

that and I won't share your

20:02

stuff but just like yeah I'm probably shared

20:04

it here before yeah like how

20:06

do you feel like you

20:08

got through that season to depression

20:11

hard oh it was so hard and it was

20:13

hard when you're in the spotlight and

20:16

so you're still having to be like

20:18

active and on there and yes and

20:20

yeah it's like

20:22

okay well we can't just stop or

20:24

we could but it was

20:26

you had to fight through it when you're in

20:28

the spotlight which is hard it was a season

20:30

that my faith was truly being

20:33

tested more than it ever has been and

20:35

I shared it just of like how that

20:37

kind of got started and just the

20:39

enemy I knew it was from God because of how

20:42

much spiritual warfare I was in and

20:44

it was a place I got

20:46

to rock bottom before God

20:48

like was that all right what are

20:50

you gonna do like you've you've got to help

20:52

yourself because I ended up becoming and like self-pitying

20:55

myself so much whoa and I was

20:57

like stuck and so he

21:00

was there the whole time like you know

21:02

wanting to pull me up but I was just

21:04

letting myself pull and pull myself

21:06

back down and I

21:09

mean it was just it took a lot

21:11

of prayer and community and people praying over

21:13

me and just

21:17

I don't know it was just like this transitional period

21:19

that there's no pinpoint date that

21:21

I was like set free from it it

21:23

was just gradual yeah and I remember I

21:27

say this and I always have to preface I

21:30

was my faith got like

21:32

deconstructed to reconstruct and it's because

21:34

everything that I told you about

21:36

the basically the foundation my faith

21:38

was built on in the pressure

21:40

it wasn't built on like the

21:42

grace and obviously it's situational but

21:44

it just had I just

21:47

relearned to love Jesus in

21:49

like a new way not because because I was

21:51

brought up in it so it was always so

21:53

normal but it's almost like I became a non-believer

21:56

I still believed but it was almost like God

21:59

allowed me to there. So now

22:01

I could relate and know like

22:03

how being lost felt to

22:06

then be able to help people be

22:08

like that feeling is so

22:10

empty and sad and dark

22:12

and I'm just

22:14

glad like I got Jesus back. I

22:17

mean he was there but he allowed I truly

22:19

believe he allowed me to feel that because I

22:21

can relate to people now who don't have him

22:24

and it makes me hurt the

22:26

way he hurts for people. Literally when

22:28

you just said that I like my

22:30

heart like dropped because it brings

22:33

back those memories of like there were times

22:35

where like I wasn't following Jesus and like

22:37

when I first moved to LA I was

22:39

saying and I did the same thing I deconstructed and I

22:41

was like I'm just gonna do whatever I want to do.

22:43

Yeah. And you get to this place where you look around

22:45

and you're like I did everything

22:48

I wanted to do but I'm so

22:50

much more unhappy now. So empty. So

22:52

empty. If anybody's watching this and like

22:54

you haven't started your relationship with Jesus

22:57

I'm like just coming from me I'm

22:59

like I have tried everything that the

23:01

world has almost everything that the world

23:03

has to offer and like being given

23:05

a lot of things that like you

23:08

think like oh if I had this

23:10

status or this money or this boyfriend

23:12

or whatever it never

23:14

satisfies. Like it

23:16

never does. It's disappointing because

23:18

you feel like it would satisfy.

23:21

Yeah. It's not. And you always want

23:23

more after. Yeah. It's like a you it's

23:25

a chase for more always. Oh

23:27

my gosh I love not love

23:29

that and I have to be like do the conversation.

23:32

Yeah. So real and I feel like so many

23:34

people do end up going through that. It's almost you

23:36

a lot of people that who grew

23:38

up in the faith end up either

23:40

being like okay so am I gonna keep this

23:42

fate? Right. I mean because the enemy knows

23:44

and he's like let me try

23:47

to win them over. Yeah. With the world and

23:50

status and all that. So

23:52

being and how did you

23:54

get out of like what led you out

23:56

of that depression season? Yeah I think changing

23:59

my mind. environment was huge for

24:01

me because I remember

24:03

my team, people

24:05

were on me, LA, like

24:08

I love my team and they were like so

24:10

great but like I just it was like you know

24:12

when like you're in a season and you're

24:14

around certain people and when you see them

24:16

it like reminds you of that season almost

24:19

it was like I just needed new everything.

24:21

I needed a new apartment, I needed a

24:23

new city, I needed new friends, I needed

24:26

a new team, like it was like and

24:28

nothing against any it was me. Yeah. I

24:30

was the issue but it was because I

24:32

was seeking, I love Jesus blah

24:34

blah blah but I was still seeking

24:37

the world in my career and I think

24:39

I was doing it on my own strength

24:41

and I would fail every time and then

24:44

I would it was crazy

24:46

because I was following Jesus with every

24:48

other part of my life and then

24:50

I was trying to make my career happen for

24:52

myself and not just letting

24:54

God lead my life and so what

24:56

I think got me out of that

24:58

was surrendering. I literally I got shingles

25:01

the day of my like LA sold out show where it

25:03

was like after that it was like I was

25:06

taken off like it was like tour like that it

25:08

out like they had all these things planned for me

25:10

after this show. I woke up

25:12

that day with full-body shingles like a

25:14

blister. Have you ever had shingles before?

25:16

Never. Oh my word. And it was

25:18

God's way of being like you

25:20

can't do this by yourself anymore. Like I

25:23

gave you this word when you were 10 years old that

25:25

you were gonna be a singer but this is

25:28

for me. This is not for you and I

25:30

was really doing a lot of things for

25:32

me and I remember like I never

25:35

put out a song about Jesus and

25:38

I remember having this thought like if

25:40

I was married right now and I never

25:42

posted my husband on Instagram like that would

25:44

be weird like you're like you

25:46

know what I mean you're like are you actually married like

25:48

you actually love him and that's

25:50

the same way about Jesus like literally

25:53

I'm like I didn't have one song

25:55

about like The person that means

25:57

the most or that I say means the most

25:59

in my life. Like all the songs are

26:01

about boys in relationships and me and

26:03

me me me me Me And I

26:05

just felt so convicted and so God

26:08

literally told me that day. Stop Everything

26:10

in Your career. Quit.

26:12

Literally laid back down, On

26:14

the author and when I tell you

26:17

if I tell you to pick a

26:19

backup you well as well. And.

26:21

I that day my dream died

26:23

Like I literally I didn't work

26:25

for six months and in do

26:27

anything I've rested and spent time

26:29

a Jesus for six months I

26:31

didn't take any brand deals. I

26:33

literally I was like okay God

26:35

I trust you Like you gotta

26:37

provide financially, you gotta provide emotionally

26:39

and I just. Remember.

26:41

Like he was like this is your

26:43

Abraham Isaac moment where you have to

26:46

lay this dream down. Or. Else

26:48

you're it's gonna ruin you. Oh my

26:50

god Because it's not for me. Like

26:52

year. china make this word from me

26:55

happen like this is. My

26:57

plan for your life not European for

26:59

your life and so I remember in

27:01

that time he just come back to

27:03

my heart and he was like. You

27:06

want people to know about me like. For.

27:08

In a gentle gardens was gentle. He thought

27:11

he probably didn't say like i the i

27:13

like the Waterloo I know her either so

27:15

I'd I'd just like he was like if

27:17

you really have a hard for people. To.

27:20

Have a better life which is with me

27:22

then Why wouldn't you put that in your

27:24

music that people listen to every single day?

27:26

Oh my gosh, Oh that's

27:29

a that fat yeah oh my guy.

27:31

So in okay so the day you

27:33

got Shingles in your dream died and

27:35

he went to that season was at.

27:37

It was an easy decision to surrender

27:39

to him or was it a struggle.

27:41

We like weight as the going on

27:43

tour as a juvenile this like was

27:45

it kind of us fight back and

27:48

forth of hearing god's voice or be

27:50

like oh really sure that's look on

27:52

your saying to me or yeah lodges.

27:55

Wow. If I wasn't so, six.

27:58

Weeks I think. God new. like, girl,

28:01

you got to be on your

28:03

deathbed. Because if you're not laying

28:05

in bed in so much pain,

28:08

you will question me, and you will go out, and

28:10

you will still try to do it on your own

28:12

strength. And so it was like, he

28:15

allowed me. I mean, shingles last

28:17

for a month. So I was

28:20

down for the first month.

28:22

And that was horrible. I can't

28:25

even think about it. I'm like, mm-hmm. It triggers

28:27

me. I'm like, I don't want to go either.

28:29

It caused my stress. It is. Unless

28:31

you're like 80. Most people get

28:33

it when they're like 80 years old. And you're so

28:35

young to have shingles. And

28:37

that's how stressed out my body was.

28:41

Because it's like you were trying to be your own god. Literally.

28:44

Yeah, that's it. Y'all, trying to be

28:46

god is, we

28:48

can't do it. That's what I recommend. Singles.

28:51

Yeah, so I just

28:53

think that season, after

28:56

that, it was like, I didn't have a choice. You

28:59

asked me, did you go back and forth? It was like, I didn't

29:01

have a choice. And it's like, you know when

29:03

you hear from God so clearly, and you're like, I

29:07

have to do it. If I don't,

29:09

I'm scared of what would happen. And he is

29:11

cracked down. He's like, how many times am I

29:13

going to have to tell you and show you?

29:16

He circles back every time. No, that

29:18

is so true. OK, and relating

29:21

to that moment, and when you asked me

29:23

about my season, I said he allowed me

29:25

to get that way. And it's because I

29:27

think he knows us, and he knows how

29:29

we operate in our hearts and desires and

29:31

all that. And I think for me,

29:34

he knew that I needed

29:36

to get to a low to be

29:38

able to truly depend on him. Because it was

29:40

the same way. It's like all

29:42

my down, as I was going down, and

29:44

just kind of questioning and doubts, and it just got

29:46

me deeper and deeper. I

29:48

still tried to be like,

29:51

no, it's OK. I'm just going to keep going.

29:53

And I believe in Jesus. I

29:55

believe in Jesus. He wanted me

29:57

to know, why do you believe in me? Do

30:00

you really believe in me? Like, are you just saying

30:02

that because this is how you grew up? And

30:05

so getting me there, he knew, he's like, I'm

30:07

gonna show you why you need me. And

30:11

in the most beautiful way, you know what I mean?

30:13

He was like, I truly believe he wasn't ever gonna

30:15

let me get cause I

30:18

mean, I was saved. Like he was in my heart. But

30:21

I do think that that season was

30:23

allowed because I needed

30:25

to see, I had never really

30:27

been through things that truly made me

30:30

need to rely on him. And that

30:33

did. And that was good.

30:35

And so I'm not people listening. Like I'm not saying

30:37

you need to deconstruct your faith. Like I would never

30:39

advise that. That's like, the Holy Spirit is gonna lead

30:41

you through what you needly through. But yeah, for me,

30:43

that was just the season I was in. And

30:46

cause that was

30:48

like, could have been so detrimental. Like people I've

30:50

seen, I've seen videos of people who have stepped

30:53

away from their faith and all that. And it breaks

30:55

the heart. And because truly if

30:57

you end up being flushed

31:00

with worldly things and like

31:03

God can't operate in that. You know, like the

31:05

sin and stuff in your life, like it

31:08

just pushes him out. And

31:10

then eventually if you end up deconstructing

31:14

to a point where you're like, oh, I don't

31:16

need God. I mean, you're rebuking him. You know

31:18

what I mean? So when you were going through

31:21

that time, like you

31:23

were saying, like you were self-pitying, like not

31:25

me interviewing you. I

31:27

love it, it was just a conversation. But

31:30

like when you were going through that time of

31:33

like depression and you said you started

31:35

to self-pity, like how did Hunter

31:37

react to that as your husband? Cause I'm

31:39

always interested being like a single girl. Cause

31:43

I've been in those seasons, but I don't have

31:45

a man to be like, yo. Yo,

31:47

let me know you out, right? Yeah. Oh

31:49

my gosh, and we're gonna talk about that.

31:51

For me, that was such a blessing. Like,

31:54

praise God, his Faith

31:57

was not also deconstructing. Like I was always

31:59

the more. The Or for one in our

32:01

relationship from the get go and I always wanted

32:03

to be led you know and out with something

32:05

that's like we talked about it on here before

32:07

about just. His. Testimony with that in

32:09

Annapolis prayed for the gang. I just wish he

32:12

would lead me like the a spiritual leader

32:14

and all that in in. Dot set

32:16

me free from that am I know

32:18

I can pray for him as his

32:20

wife so that season. Looking back now.

32:23

Him seeing. His. Wife

32:25

who was so spiritual right? Be

32:27

it in a season of so

32:29

much dow and like questioning and

32:31

depression and all that he had

32:33

nowhere to turn to God with.

32:36

As for long time he relied

32:38

on me and my fate to.

32:41

Keep. Us go and or whatever. and

32:43

so for him that was. He

32:46

had a lean to God and be

32:48

like or I god I can't save

32:50

her well you can And so him

32:52

he gone to the word, he started

32:54

praying, he started enact oh forgot shield

32:56

wall literally that played such a role

32:58

in getting me out of the season

33:00

Alison because of him being obedient and

33:03

him deep diving into his faith and

33:05

be a lot of pray for me

33:07

in that way and he never made

33:09

me feel bad and as if Ill

33:11

judged by Ivor I would sit down.

33:13

Bikes on are like you to I

33:15

believe. Anymore and I didn't want to say

33:17

out loud ray or to be like a

33:20

blossoming are now he I and it was

33:22

just so beautiful and raul him how he

33:24

was just listening. he never made me feel.

33:27

That. Or. Like grow. You better

33:29

not say that, suffer whatever right? If

33:31

he took the way of that in,

33:33

he was like, okay, you're. Simpson,

33:36

pray for you and not to

33:38

my face were condemned me Rimini

33:40

feel whatever on. Foot. So

33:42

and he never told me that

33:45

during it was after I know

33:47

enter. Your

33:49

mana hundred of listening Where. I'm

33:53

his. Maybe I could. afford

33:55

side of you dot lot of a light sad

33:58

to see i agree i So

34:00

yeah, that was

34:03

such a beautiful

34:05

thing. And so afterward when he was, he told me that

34:08

it brought my face up more. I'm like, whoa,

34:10

God, you not only use that season for me

34:12

and my life, but for Hunter and he is

34:14

like on fire for the Lord now. He's

34:17

the spiritual leader in the best way.

34:19

And, um, I mean, I can't,

34:21

he reads his Bible every morning. I'm like, I don't

34:23

remember today. They're

34:26

like doing fire time. It's so, it's

34:28

so freaking cool. Yeah. That's sweet. I

34:30

know. Okay. And so how is

34:34

your singleness like,

34:36

like, do you spot, do

34:39

you have, I'm tired. Okay. Cause

34:43

I feel like we do have a

34:45

lot of listeners who can't relate in

34:47

the way of, I mean, we're married

34:49

and we talk about things, but there's

34:51

probably a lot of single list believers

34:53

and they, how could you speak on

34:56

that and how have you found contentment

34:58

and your single season? Yeah. It's

35:00

yes. I process.

35:02

Okay. Yeah. Yeah. This is, I think

35:05

one of the biggest things in my life right now

35:07

that like on a daily basis just really sticks

35:09

out. Um, I'm 29. I

35:12

just turned 29 and like, I'm

35:14

just like, first of all, how'd I get

35:16

here? Like everyone says that they're like, but

35:18

it's crazy. Cause in society too,

35:20

people are like, Oh,

35:22

you're 29. Like you want to get married? Like, you

35:25

know, all that. And I'm like, well, yes, right. I

35:27

do want to get married, but

35:29

I think the Lord has needed to

35:32

prepare me and alone. And

35:37

I will say that I

35:39

have not been content until recently. Like

35:41

I had a moment recently where I

35:43

was like, I

35:45

think I'm going to be okay.

35:47

If I was single for the rest of my

35:49

life, which is crazy.

35:52

I don't want that Lord Jesus,

35:54

please. Like, please, please man. I'm

35:56

confused. Yeah. But I really, I

35:59

thought about it. because I'm like, it's not

36:01

my life anymore. And I think that

36:04

just to encourage single girls, like

36:07

that desire is in there because

36:09

God put it in there. And

36:11

I think that's something like Christian try to be like,

36:14

be content in your singleness. But

36:17

also like that desire is there for a

36:19

reason. And I personally think that some people

36:21

have that calling on their life, but I

36:23

do think that when couples

36:26

are together they're like unstoppable when

36:28

God is using them. And

36:30

so it's been a road. And

36:33

I think for me, I had, like I said, I

36:35

had like a lot of trauma that I think, and

36:38

I'll ask God this when I see him in heaven,

36:40

but like I can't wait for that day. Oh,

36:44

we're all sitting there like, and I got this question and

36:46

this question. But I think he

36:48

knew that I needed to process it

36:51

alone because it's been

36:53

really dark and really hard. And not that whoever

36:55

I'm supposed to be with couldn't deal with it,

36:57

but I think God he

37:00

has kind of shown me that he wants me to be

37:02

in a healthy place because when I

37:05

meet my person we're just gonna run. We

37:07

don't have time to walk. Because

37:10

I'm further on in my career, he'll probably be further

37:12

on his career. We're older than like getting married at

37:14

20. And I just feel

37:16

like he's been like, no, I need you to be

37:18

like whole. So that when you meet

37:20

that person, like you're both whole and you can just

37:22

go and like do your ministry together. But

37:25

it's been a road. It's been such a road

37:27

and I've been, I almost was engaged. Oh

37:29

you were, was this the abusive relationship

37:31

you had? Yep, so I was

37:34

dating clinically a narcissistic

37:36

guy in LA and

37:39

obviously didn't know it at the time. How long were you

37:41

all together? Two years. And

37:45

then he was cheating

37:47

on me with like multiple

37:49

girls. Like it was like five.

37:51

Oh my goodness. I found out about five girls.

37:54

Yeah, and then he was just very like verbally

37:57

abusive, but I didn't realize like what was

37:59

going on. on like

38:01

when you're in abuse you don't know that you're in

38:03

abuse and that's why people are like why

38:05

doesn't she just leave him well because

38:07

it's like a cycle like they

38:10

like love bomb you and like love on you and

38:12

like I love you baby so much and

38:14

then they abuse you and then talk really down

38:17

to your whatever and then when you're gonna leave

38:19

they love bomb you again so it's

38:21

like this cycle and I was in it

38:23

for two years and I mean

38:25

we were picking out rings and wedding venues

38:28

and everything and I just remember

38:30

the first time I figured out

38:32

he's cheating on me I was like I

38:34

forgave him because I was like this is

38:36

my husband like I'm gonna have forgiveness like

38:38

whatever and then the second time it

38:41

was like multiple girls came out and I was like

38:44

oh my gosh did they come message you they

38:47

it's crazy how God works

38:50

they one of the girls

38:52

was on set with one of my friends as an

38:54

actor okay and they

38:57

were like shooting like a movie together and it

38:59

was like oh yeah like you know this guy

39:01

like and then it

39:03

was like yeah it was it was

39:05

actually sorry no it was her friend and her

39:07

friends like yeah my best friend's dating not gonna

39:10

say his name obviously I almost did

39:12

though he said oh no like I

39:14

think it's the wrong like wrong guy

39:16

like he's dating Madison like they're about to get

39:18

engaged and she's like that's

39:20

weird like they were together this

39:23

weekend and like I was out of town

39:25

that weekend and so like

39:27

that was like the first time and then the

39:30

second time that same guy friend had

39:33

actual a mutual friend that she

39:35

was in our friend group she

39:37

and him had done some things

39:39

oh no and we already together she

39:42

said that he said in

39:44

the moment that we weren't oh man

39:47

it was a whole thing yeah so basically

39:49

my story I'm sure your heart

39:52

was broken it was so broken I think God

39:54

has had to Use these past

39:56

couple years to heal that because I

39:58

had no. Major trust issues

40:00

like to the point where like i am shower gonna

40:02

david a guy and if he looked at his phone

40:05

on my. Pc the

40:07

I'm easily enough for girlfriend on the

40:09

side Enlighten me we have it's or

40:11

theocracy say I'm a first date for

40:13

like know your the hearing the i

40:15

like girls snowbirds jersey like yeah I

40:17

would like to hurt guys to cause

40:19

I would just be like very like

40:21

wanna know who you are like I

40:24

was very like defenses in see and

40:26

off his but it was really just

40:28

as i was really her yeah for

40:30

sure did you know. How

40:32

to guard hill you from their. Center

40:35

as in a long road Devin by

40:37

feel like someone said this the other

40:39

day and I'll take the sounds super

40:41

Cassini's but it's like Christian These. girl

40:44

as so funny when you

40:46

spend hammer jesus he like.

40:49

Puts. His like ceiling bomb. And

40:52

like all the holes in your heart that are

40:54

like. Really? Hurt only going

40:56

to meet we cry the know

40:58

they literally in cinder. Oh well,

41:00

you're pregnant do? Your

41:03

own since it. Was. The

41:05

word said that the embassies emphysema with

41:07

a yeah, those. Are

41:09

like I should know that I didn't

41:12

think like I don't know. People just

41:14

don't realize that you don't have a

41:16

get intimate relationship with Jesus like. That

41:20

when you. Are. At a

41:22

point where. You're. So depressed

41:24

that you don't want to live anymore. He

41:29

does like. Is.

41:32

The only person that can truly be

41:34

there for you and truly heal your

41:36

heart and like. And.

41:39

She's crazy because. I

41:42

never thought I was going to

41:44

heal after that and. I'm

41:47

like standing here today and I feel

41:49

so whole and so shield from nights

41:51

and his name can come up in

41:54

a like doesn't affect me anymore by.

41:56

All. it is is spending time

41:59

with geez It's

42:01

like your best friend that when you spend

42:03

time with him, you feel better after you

42:05

leave. That is how he is. And

42:08

so he really healed me, not to be

42:10

like cliche, but like just on the daily

42:12

things, like he just would be

42:14

like, that's not going to happen to you

42:17

anymore. Like I'm here for you. I'm going to heal

42:19

you. His word, like getting

42:21

into the Bible, actually reading it and

42:23

realizing how much God loves me. Yeah. His

42:26

love is so good. And

42:28

it's, I'm sure going from what

42:30

you went, thinking what was love, and

42:33

then him really showing

42:35

what real love is. Did

42:38

that, learning how he loved

42:40

in and of itself kind of heal things that

42:43

in that relationship? Yes. And

42:45

that I want a man that loves me the

42:48

way that God loves me. Like I

42:51

noticed too, like getting

42:53

really honest with you, like being with him,

42:55

like I just dressed like

42:58

more and modest. Like I

43:00

was trying to be like sexy and

43:02

like just trying to be what this

43:04

guy wanted me to be. And

43:07

I just realized like, no, I want a man

43:09

that loves God so

43:12

much that he loves me how God

43:14

loves me, which is exactly

43:16

how I am covered

43:19

up, like glorifying

43:22

God, not crossing

43:24

my boundaries, not doing things that I

43:26

know aren't glorifying to God. Like that's

43:28

the type of man that God wants me

43:31

to have. And that's how God loves me.

43:33

Yeah. And so exactly what

43:35

you said, like, yeah, God, his love, like

43:37

really just healed

43:40

the deepest hurt that I've ever had in my

43:42

life. And that's why I'd

43:44

recommend like people that don't know him. I'm like, you

43:47

literally have like, just like try,

43:49

try, try. I'm like,

43:51

even if you're like, this is not for me.

43:53

Great. I don't think that's going to happen to

43:55

anybody when you get one encounter with God. Oh

43:58

my gosh. Life changing. It's life changing. changing.

44:01

So for you like whenever you met, cause

44:03

y'all were young. Oh we were so young.

44:05

Yeah. We were eighth grade, end

44:07

of eighth grade. Babies 13, 14 years old. So it

44:09

was like a

44:11

whole different type of relationship

44:13

when we started. Just the cliche

44:15

boyfriend, girlfriend. Oh you're cute, you're

44:17

cute, let's date. And then it

44:20

was about junior year

44:22

when it was like wait, when

44:24

we both kind of had separate encounters

44:26

with God, you know that well if we

44:28

want to be together like we can't be

44:30

each other's God, we can't worship each other

44:32

and the boyfriend girlfriend sense. And right it

44:34

was we knew it's so

44:37

rare because I'm so young and I think though

44:39

Ivy now I'm like whoo she can't date that

44:41

young. Right. But it was like he literally

44:43

God put Hunter in my life at the time

44:46

where I needed I was about

44:48

to go on a whole different path. Whoa.

44:50

Yes and him just becoming my best friend

44:52

at that point even though we were boyfriend

44:55

girlfriend whatever it truly

44:57

saved me from so much

44:59

stuff. And that's what

45:01

I mean everybody has a different purpose and

45:03

calling and God put Hunter in my life at

45:05

that age because he knew I need him at

45:08

that age. And right. But we went on our

45:10

whole own journey of being like

45:12

okay well if we want to be together and be

45:14

married we can't put each

45:16

other first because it was

45:18

a toxic relationship. It wasn't what it is

45:20

now. It was full of jealousy

45:23

and just not fulfilling.

45:26

We weren't who we

45:28

are now and that's because of Jesus and

45:31

Jesus transformed that relationship

45:33

to become beautiful and

45:36

you know a godly marriage. And so

45:41

yeah Jesus changes everything. He does.

45:43

It's not he's not just this

45:45

made-up person. No or like

45:47

religion like that's what I'm just like oh

45:51

like I hate the way that

45:53

some Christian cultures have like made him because

45:55

it's like it's not like that like I

45:58

tell people my friends that are atheists. I'll

46:00

be like, no, like imagine meeting

46:02

like your favorite person ever. They're

46:04

the most loving, giving, kind, selfless

46:07

person. You'd want to hang out

46:09

with that person every day. Right. Like you're

46:11

like, I'm obsessed with you. Like I know

46:13

you're hilarious. Like I literally know that Jesus

46:15

is hilarious. Right. Like I know we're sure

46:17

dying on like hanging out with him. But

46:19

I'm like, you just got

46:21

to meet Jesus. Yeah. Don't meet

46:23

the religion. Yes. Ooh. Yes, girl.

46:25

That's good. Don't meet the religion.

46:27

Meet Jesus. There's a difference. There's

46:29

huge difference. And a

46:32

lot of people that call themselves Christians

46:34

don't act like Jesus does. Right. And

46:36

Jesus, if he was here on Earth, it'd be like, I

46:38

didn't say that. Yeah, I didn't do that. Right. Where'd you

46:40

find that in the world? Yeah. Where'd you get that? No,

46:44

that's so true. I want to ask you

46:46

a question. Yeah, ask me. Because

46:49

I feel like this is something that a lot of

46:51

girls want to know, but they don't talk about Christian

46:53

girls. How did you guys pursue

46:55

like purity or not? Yeah.

46:58

In your dating marriage?

47:01

So part of whenever I said earlier how there was

47:03

like the pressure to be good

47:06

and whenever it was never before the right reasons,

47:08

it was just because we were scared. So

47:10

we did save ourselves. And

47:13

the initial was because I didn't want to get

47:15

pregnant. I was scared of

47:17

my parents finding out. It wasn't because

47:19

of the beautiful stuff. So

47:22

the transition period were like, OK, we

47:25

can't be each other's idols. Like, we

47:28

learned separately about purity. And then

47:30

it was like exciting. So

47:32

it became because at first I was like,

47:34

why are we waiting? Why? I

47:37

didn't understand why. And I think it's because it wasn't

47:39

talked about. And so purity to me is

47:41

like multiple things. Yes, it's, you

47:44

know, your sacredness of sex

47:46

and marriage and all that. But

47:48

also just purity in like

47:50

your relationship and the way you love each

47:52

other and just like your pure,

47:55

pure. Your intentions can be so

47:57

pure. Yeah. I'm still learning about how

47:59

to. talk about purity and

48:01

that. And like, cause I feel like I'm

48:03

still learning now how to have purity in

48:05

marriage. Whoa. And well, people don't

48:07

talk about that. No, they only talk about

48:09

it like before, before or purity

48:12

just being set. Yes. Right. Yeah. Because we

48:14

were so submerged into purity culture and like,

48:16

that's why we were like, okay, we can't

48:18

do this. Yeah. It's a no

48:21

no. Are all of our friends. Why? Why?

48:23

It's the why behind it. And, and

48:26

that's like people who have it

48:28

when I truly believe and people

48:30

say, well, you can't get that back,

48:32

but I can repurify you. Yeah. And

48:34

give you that whole sense

48:36

of purpose back because outside of

48:38

marriage, it does take some of that away

48:41

because it's meant for marriage, but God doesn't

48:43

judge you and he wants to redeem you

48:45

and like make it beautiful again. Like what's

48:47

your thoughts on purity culture? Yeah,

48:49

I think a lot of it's toxic

48:52

because I think it makes you feel

48:54

like there's no grace. Like you

48:56

said, I think you can be renewed

48:58

every day. Oh, that's why God says like renew

49:00

your mind every day, whatever. I think like, I

49:03

don't know. I feel like from the Holy Spirit,

49:05

like there's a girl listening right now that you

49:08

maybe have had sex with your boyfriend

49:10

and you're feeling like really shameful about

49:12

it. And I just, oh girl,

49:17

I just need you to know it

49:19

makes me emotional that like shame is

49:21

from the enemy and

49:23

the Lord has renewed you and redeemed

49:26

you. And so he loves you so

49:28

much. And the reason why

49:30

he wants you to wait

49:33

is because he knows it's in your best

49:35

interest. And I always use this thing with

49:37

sex where it's like touching

49:40

a stove. When you touch a stove,

49:42

like you're going to get a blister, right? And

49:44

this is like sex before marriage, I think. And then it's like,

49:47

God doesn't want you to have like 50 blisters on

49:49

your hand by the time you get married and

49:51

be like, ow, like this, this has

49:53

been something that has hurt me all these years.

49:55

And so going into it, like, is this going

49:57

to hurt me again? Like God's protecting you. you

50:00

can go into it and just be like, not

50:03

hurt, not as hurt. You know? Well,

50:05

and I think anyway, for whoever you

50:07

are, if this is for somebody,

50:09

like you don't have to live in shame because

50:11

Jesus literally forgives,

50:14

he says, as far as the East

50:16

from the West and whatever purity culture

50:18

has told you, it's not true. And

50:20

God loves you so much. Word.

50:23

So I just felt that. No, yeah.

50:25

I feel off of you. I'm like,

50:27

yeah. No, that's so, that's so good.

50:30

Cause there's so much shame that lives behind it. And

50:32

like friends I've had and my, some

50:34

sisters that it's just the

50:37

shame. If you, if you

50:39

carry that shame, it's like you almost

50:42

don't want to give it to God because you're like,

50:44

he, I'm too far. Like

50:47

that is such an ugly side of me. I don't

50:49

want God to have, but he's like, no, give it

50:51

to me. Cause I can make it

50:53

new. Yeah. You know, I can restore the brokenness

50:55

you felt from that and the shame and the

50:57

weight of whatever

50:59

it can bring you. All those feelings that the enemy

51:02

is like, here,

51:04

have a little bit of this and this and this, you know?

51:06

So you've said that, you know, God put the desire in your

51:08

heart to have a husband one day and like you, you

51:10

have that desire and you're like, okay, I'll be content if it's

51:13

not, but you feel like it's

51:15

going to happen. How, how

51:17

do you, what are you doing now that

51:20

you're in this season of waiting? So good.

51:22

Like, how are you, is it

51:25

challenging or is it easy? Has it

51:27

gotten easier or is it a day

51:29

to day thing? And like, what are

51:31

things you're doing to practice patients in

51:33

the waiting? Yeah. Yeah,

51:35

that's so good. Um,

51:37

I actually have this husband journal that

51:41

I've been writing

51:43

in for the past like two

51:45

years and I have days

51:47

where I'm like, I

51:49

can't do this. Or like I'm tempted. Like there

51:51

has been seasons where I'm just like, Oh

51:54

my goodness. Like I really just want to go

51:57

and like kiss

51:59

some guy. whatever it is, I'm just like, Lord,

52:01

help me. I'm

52:04

ovulating. I'm during

52:06

Christ, that's the way. No, it's so

52:08

true though. You know, it's true. It's

52:10

just honest. And I think like

52:13

everyone feels like that, you know? And

52:16

I think that journal has helped me to talk

52:18

to my, and I will literally

52:20

say my future husband, I am

52:22

struggling right now, but I want to

52:24

continue to walk. And

52:26

I'm not perfect. I'm not saying I

52:28

have imperfect, whatever, but in

52:30

this season, God has used

52:33

this journal to help me, like

52:36

write to my future husband. And me and God

52:38

be talking about it every day. Like, you

52:41

know, and some days I'm like, I

52:43

don't really feel it as much. And some days I'm

52:45

like, if my husband is in here soon. Does it

52:47

show up? Yeah, I'm like, because I

52:49

think too, it's like this

52:51

partnership. I desire like a partnership with

52:53

somebody so bad. Like you said, when

52:55

you're in a season, it's like, you

52:58

can pull each other up. Whoever's

53:00

down, the other person can pull them up.

53:03

And I just love like partnerships

53:05

in general, like team sports, like always

53:07

like working with somebody. And so I

53:10

think for me, it's just been like being

53:14

honest with God about how I feel. It's

53:16

like not pushing it away and being like, God,

53:18

like yesterday I told

53:20

God, I'm like, I'm frustrated with you. Like

53:23

I'm genuinely frustrated with you. And like, yeah, it's

53:25

like cute to say like, I trust you or

53:28

whatever, and this mom, I don't. No, and he

53:30

wants that. He does. He wants

53:32

communication. Cause that is you trusting him and like

53:34

God. I mean, that's you

53:36

talking to him. Right. And I told him, I

53:38

was like, I just want to find

53:40

this person. I'm frustrated that like I have it.

53:43

And I think, like you said,

53:45

he loves that because it gets you

53:47

closer to him. And then when that guy comes,

53:49

you're gonna be like, this is

53:52

why you made me wait. Like he wasn't

53:54

ready or I wasn't ready. Right.

53:58

You never know what God is doing, but. It's

54:01

crazy because when I moved here, and I'm

54:04

like, this is very bold for me to say this, but I

54:06

had a couple people tell me, I feel

54:10

like your husband is in Nashville. Before

54:12

you moved here? Or when you were moving? Well, I

54:14

was moving here. But they were like, I don't

54:17

know why, but I just feel ... And I travel so much,

54:19

so I'm always in LA

54:21

or whatever. And so I just was

54:23

like, that's really interesting. And

54:26

he might not be. Yeah. But it's

54:28

just very interesting how God brought me here. I never thought I'd live

54:30

here. And I'm like, I

54:32

feel like I'm going to meet him here. Amazing.

54:35

No. Fast forward to the wedding clip.

54:38

No, just kidding. If we take this clip. No, we got

54:40

to take this clip. And your journal, do

54:42

you think you would put that in your bowels one day? I

54:44

think so. Like a little piece of it. Maybe not all

54:47

the theme-y stuff. Yeah. And

54:50

I think it'll be the gift that I

54:52

give him the day of our wedding.

54:55

Oh my gosh. That just gives me chills.

54:57

To know ... Okay, because your

55:00

guy, your husband, is

55:02

in the same boat you are right now. Maybe.

55:05

Maybe. If he's got a girlfriend,

55:07

she needs like ow. I'm going to cut her out.

55:09

I'm kidding. But whatever season he's in, who

55:11

knows? But I pictured him writing his

55:14

journal. And

55:18

praying for his future wife. And

55:21

to know that the way you are praying for

55:23

your future husband, and I truly feel

55:28

... That's why I got chills when I was saying

55:30

it, is because I feel like in the same way

55:32

there is a guy out there who you are going to

55:34

be married to that is like seeking

55:37

God. Be like, she's out there. You

55:40

know, like you're going to find each other.

55:43

We're both going to meet each other.

55:45

It's sweet. It's so sweet and kinder.

55:48

The fact that your love story with God

55:50

is first in

55:52

all this. And that he's like,

55:54

honey, I've got you. He

55:57

has made you fall more in love with him

55:59

in this season. of waiting and

56:02

then cuz he's like honey come on

56:04

Devin you don't know what's coming yeah

56:07

he does oh I can't wait

56:09

I can't oh give me a wedding

56:11

you might are you kidding yeah of course in the

56:14

front row y'all need to approve him on our first

56:16

no I'm like double date I need to bring him

56:18

y'all's house and be like y'all like it like the

56:20

whole spirit on him yeah something

56:23

I do too which is like cheesy

56:25

but I love it is every

56:27

time I buy myself flowers you see

56:29

I usually have like fresh like flowers

56:32

in my place I love fresh flowers

56:34

you know what you're gonna say I was gonna get you

56:36

flowers today but then I was like she and Anna playing that's

56:39

right you're like carrying them yeah when those flowers

56:41

start to die I take one of them and

56:44

I put it in the journal stop it right

56:46

now that is the cutest there's like flowers like

56:48

all throughout it too it's like I bought

56:51

myself these flowers but one day

56:53

like he'll buy me flowers again

56:55

wait hopefully so sweet hopefully hey

56:57

you know honor tell him I'm

57:00

I'm a pursue you have like write that down

57:02

and like make that a prayer even

57:04

though it's cheesy like yes you pray for

57:06

your future husband and be like you know

57:08

I want him to have these attributes and

57:11

like him love Jesus him this but the

57:13

desire to buy me flowers oh like that

57:15

pray for that you know like that's good

57:17

silly at all I remember in we

57:19

were in youth in our small

57:21

groups separate small groups and I remember

57:23

we were dating but the homework

57:26

was to write down a list of everything

57:28

you want in your future husband and obviously

57:31

I was a little biased cuz I was

57:33

like well I want him to have dark

57:35

hair brown hair dark skin dark eyes just

57:37

everything he was all right I'm just grabbing

57:39

him you pray and everything

57:44

they're like right everything down everything

57:46

your heart desires and

57:48

pray over it and

57:50

like so yes I was I wrote

57:52

his like how he looks

57:54

down yeah other things too I wish I had

57:56

that list because looking back now I'm like wow

57:58

how the Lord bless that to be

58:00

like spiritual led and all that. That's what I was

58:02

gonna say because you wanted that. I wanted that for

58:04

a long time and that was something that who

58:07

the Lord had to teach me be like Devin

58:09

you have to stop nagging him

58:11

to be this person that

58:14

I'm gonna make him be. You can't make him be that. Whoa.

58:17

And so but that was his season and that

58:19

he had to go through in his walk with

58:21

God because even though like we were brought together

58:24

and to be a team and for

58:27

Jesus because that's like what it's about right?

58:29

Right. And so we

58:32

still can't like

58:34

save each other from things. Like we can never

58:36

be each other's first like God has to be

58:38

or we're gonna there's gonna be so much void

58:40

in that relationship. And so yeah that

58:43

is just another spill but

58:45

wow. I'm so excited for you to meet

58:47

your future husband. This is getting out. I

58:51

love love. No it really

58:53

is special because I

58:56

know this next season God

58:58

is calling me. There's a lot

59:01

of fun things that are coming up. Yeah I

59:03

wanted to like before we close I wanted to

59:05

say like what is God teaching you now? Like

59:07

what is God doing? Let's get what's happening. Yes

59:09

up next. Yes. So I can't

59:12

officially say yes. Okay. I get an out

59:14

there but in the next couple weeks I'm

59:16

gonna be able to announce but. So y'all

59:18

go follow her. Where would you announce that

59:21

on Instagram? Yes. TikTok, Instagram, everywhere. Yeah. Yeah

59:23

I have a really fun big announcement and

59:25

this year is gonna be a

59:28

really big year for my career and I feel

59:30

like God has been

59:32

preparing me all these years for this

59:34

year which is crazy. Well yeah I

59:36

think that what's gonna be really cool

59:38

is like when all these career things

59:41

are happening I feel like simultaneously God

59:43

is gonna bring someone that can really

59:46

come alongside of me to navigate this

59:48

next season and you

59:51

know just being elevated in any sense of

59:53

your career. More people knowing you comes with

59:55

more responsibilities and challenges and all these things.

59:58

And so I'm just excited. Good.

1:00:01

Good. To potentially be

1:00:03

someone. Yeah, no. Hold on

1:00:05

to that excitement. Yes. If there are so

1:00:07

many single listening, like do you have any

1:00:10

advice for them in their season of singleness

1:00:12

and waiting for God to bring them their

1:00:14

man? Yeah. Or woman if it's a

1:00:16

man listening. Yes. I

1:00:19

think just like preparing who

1:00:22

you are for that person, I think a lot

1:00:25

of the times we're like, I want this, this,

1:00:27

and this in somebody. Like, and we point the

1:00:29

finger like you need to be like this, but

1:00:31

like, I've been really convicted lately. Like, am

1:00:34

I the wife that my

1:00:36

husband would want to be with and little

1:00:38

things like even like I'm like, yes, sure.

1:00:40

I was like, I don't want to go

1:00:42

get groceries, but I literally thought, no,

1:00:45

Mads, like this is going to prepare you for the week.

1:00:48

And like, I thought about that with like being married.

1:00:50

I'm like, I doing

1:00:52

these little mundane things that people don't

1:00:55

see. I got

1:00:57

45 bananas back there. But I think

1:01:00

only two bananas things are in the shot,

1:01:02

but y'all she has one, two, three, four,

1:01:04

five, there's six over there. Yeah, that is

1:01:06

funny. But like little things that,

1:01:08

that I know that when I get married

1:01:10

that like I'm going to want to do

1:01:12

like prepare like food for the week

1:01:15

or whatever. And it's like, when you're single, you're like,

1:01:17

Oh, like I can just like get to go or

1:01:19

like whatever. And I've been like making myself do

1:01:21

things like little silly things, make my bed

1:01:23

every day, do these things. Like I live

1:01:25

alone, so it's easy to just not like

1:01:27

making myself do these little disciplines that I

1:01:29

know that like my

1:01:32

husband deserves that. Like

1:01:34

he deserves me to be prepared and like to

1:01:37

be close to Jesus. Cause I know that he's going to be like

1:01:39

that. Cause the man I'm praying for is going to be like that.

1:01:41

So I'm like, I want to be like that too. And so just

1:01:44

like preparing your like silly things like

1:01:46

going to work out, moving your body,

1:01:48

like things that I'm just like these

1:01:51

daily things that I'm like, I want my husband

1:01:53

to work out or like whatever it is for

1:01:55

you. Like right. That's my thing. It's

1:01:59

like. doing the things that you want

1:02:01

them to do, like you also being disciplined and

1:02:03

doing those things. I

1:02:05

love that preparing yourself for your

1:02:07

future husband. Yeah. You know he's

1:02:10

coming, so you're like getting prepared. I have one more thing for

1:02:12

the single girls too, is just

1:02:14

enjoying your time with

1:02:17

your friends right now. Because

1:02:19

as you know, like when

1:02:21

you get married, it does change. And you

1:02:23

start having kids and stuff, like you don't get to

1:02:25

just like be around your girls all the time. Or

1:02:27

if you're a guy, you're guy friends all the time. And

1:02:30

it's like, there is such a special

1:02:32

thing right now with your

1:02:34

friends too. And I've traveled, done all these

1:02:36

things, and I'm like, it's just been so

1:02:38

special in my singleness. And I can't wait

1:02:41

to share that with somebody, but God

1:02:44

has every season for a purpose. And so

1:02:46

it's like soaking up every little drop of

1:02:48

water in the season that you're single. Cause

1:02:50

you're going to look back and be like, man,

1:02:53

I wish I would have like really

1:02:56

savored those moments. No, that is

1:02:58

so good. I'm so glad that you're able

1:03:00

to speak on that. Cause I can't obviously.

1:03:03

And it's so wild that I never

1:03:05

had a really singleness since I was

1:03:07

in middle school. And that

1:03:09

is a whole lot different in our twenties. Well,

1:03:13

last thing before we close out, I just

1:03:15

want to, just

1:03:18

from everything you've said, I just want to speak on real

1:03:20

quick. When you were in

1:03:22

LA and you went through that season of everything

1:03:26

was going in your career or in the start of

1:03:28

it, and you were

1:03:30

living for, you're doing it for yourself and all

1:03:32

these things, hearing that and then

1:03:35

seeing, I mean, you shared a little bit what's going to

1:03:37

happen, but I know we can't announce I'm here yet. Isn't

1:03:40

it so wild that saying

1:03:42

no to some things that sound great

1:03:45

and that you're like, why would I turn

1:03:47

this down? But God was like, just

1:03:50

trust me, literally trust me. And if

1:03:53

you didn't turn that down, because

1:03:55

being obedient to him, you wouldn't be stepping into

1:03:57

this new season you're about to enter. And

1:04:00

how much more rewarding this season feels like

1:04:02

I can see the joy on you like

1:04:04

talking about it. Yes, and It's

1:04:07

more fulfilling because it's from him and

1:04:10

not From the world and

1:04:12

you. Yep. Yeah, i'm so proud of

1:04:14

you. Thank you. Like what a testimony.

1:04:16

Thank you, Devin Thank you for sharing

1:04:18

all this Yeah, and it's

1:04:20

the thing is is i've seen that like

1:04:23

Obeying god is always the harder decision

1:04:26

But then it always reaps the best

1:04:28

benefit like in the end word You

1:04:32

know, yes, it really does. Well, thank

1:04:34

you so much for being on here

1:04:36

today I just like y'all we could

1:04:38

keep talking. I'm just like I know I want to like golly

1:04:41

I just feel so good right now

1:04:44

and i'm just so grateful that we've got to

1:04:46

me same Yeah, and anybody

1:04:48

listening. Thank y'all for listening. Y'all really need

1:04:50

to go check her out. Follow her What's

1:04:53

your do you know your stuff by heart?

1:04:55

Yeah in the description. It's just to madison.

1:04:57

Watkins. Yeah. Yeah Love

1:04:59

her And her hair

1:05:01

amazing if y'all are not watching the video

1:05:04

y'all need to go look her hair I

1:05:07

like your new hair It

1:05:09

looks so good Okay,

1:05:13

well thanks again for being here and we

1:05:15

will see y'all next lindy You