0:00

I wanted to feel joy again because I was so

0:03

depressed and so low and

0:06

the addiction was just like pounding, pounding,

0:08

pounding at the door and just getting

0:10

worse and worse. And I was just

0:12

like, if I don't do something about

0:15

this, I'm going to go down the

0:17

wrong path. My future husband was like,

0:19

we need to stop this. Like we

0:21

can't be together. And I remember being

0:24

like, what is wrong with you? I

0:26

was livid. I'm like, who is this

0:29

boy that decided to like spend every

0:31

waking second with me for a week

0:33

and then all of a sudden he

0:35

doesn't want to hang out with me

0:37

anymore. Hey,

0:45

y'all. Welcome back to the Salty Podcast.

0:47

I'm your host, Devin, and

0:49

I'm joined today with my

0:51

very good friend, Mal Reyes.

0:54

Hello. This

0:56

is so exciting. I'm really excited. Also equally

0:58

as nervous, but I know I told her

1:00

I was so nervous. The first this is

1:02

her first ever podcast episode and I feel

1:04

very honored that you're here to talk.

1:07

Thanks for having me. Of course. All

1:09

the way from California. So a little

1:12

backstory of my name house friendship. It

1:14

was basically over

1:16

two years ago now. Oh my gosh.

1:18

Whenever we met on social media. So

1:20

Hunter and I kind of were

1:22

on TikTok. We followed Cam and Mal.

1:24

Her husband is Cameron. So they're known as Cam and Mal. Y'all

1:26

should look them up. They're so cute. And

1:29

I just loved them. I was like,

1:31

oh, they're so sweet. And I saw that you're a

1:33

Christian and I followed them. And so

1:35

when y'all followed us back, I was like, wait,

1:38

another couple followed us. Y'all were our

1:40

first social media friends on there. You

1:42

were our first two. That's so wild.

1:44

So crazy to see like how far

1:47

we've both come. I know. Like how

1:49

our relationship has evolved to like so

1:52

wild. What social media brings. We never

1:54

would have been friends. No. I mean,

1:56

we live across the country.

1:59

Yeah. wild. Yeah. And

2:01

I say that all the time. Anytime someone has to

2:03

like, that's so wild. But

2:06

we ended up meeting shortly after

2:08

we became friends in LA. And

2:10

Ivy was, I think, not even

2:13

a year old, we went to Disneyland. And

2:15

we just had so much fun. Yeah, we

2:17

clicked instantly. Yeah. Yeah. And y'all didn't have

2:19

a kid and now flash forward. How

2:21

many years and y'all have a nine month

2:24

old. And she was, she's now

2:26

Ivy's age when we first met

2:28

you guys. And now Ivy is

2:30

like walking, talking, talking to Addie.

2:32

Wow. Crazy. The things that you

2:34

truly, we truly don't know what

2:36

our future holds. Yeah, God does.

2:39

And so I'm excited to talk about

2:42

Jesus today. And I just

2:44

pray that whoever listening, if it's just

2:46

one person or whatever that y'all just

2:49

can be encouraged by Mao's testimony, whatever

2:52

the Holy Spirit wants to speak is we're letting it roll

2:54

off today. So, so

2:56

now I obviously have

2:59

talked so many times with y'all about like your

3:01

testimony and coming to know Jesus. And

3:03

it's such a beautiful story because I feel

3:07

like in a way stories are

3:09

a little similar in the sense of

3:12

it took somebody else like a

3:14

relationship to help. And I'm meaning

3:16

me and Hunter, how when we dated in high school,

3:19

we ended up having to,

3:21

to know we wanted to be

3:23

together, God had to be there. And so

3:25

I'm just curious. So I'm going to

3:28

pretend I don't know anything that listeners can hear. How

3:31

did you know Jesus or what? Okay.

3:33

What was your upbringing like? And yeah,

3:35

so my upbringing, I

3:38

was like the

3:40

typical like cultural Christian, like

3:43

we would pray at the dinner table and

3:45

like, Oh, like be a good

3:47

person, like treat people the way you want to

3:49

be treated. Like we had like the moral aspect

3:52

of it. And, but we never

3:54

talked about Jesus And, but

3:56

we would pray, but like, who are we praying

3:58

to? It was just like really. Using

4:00

as a growing up and ah

4:03

yeah just like had very limited

4:05

knowledge in what christianity actually was

4:07

in the story of Jesus and

4:10

the gospel via and yeah it

4:12

wasn't until like. Really?

4:15

High school when I actually gone to

4:17

relationship with a Christian. oh really I

4:19

did I learn it and it was

4:22

a with alarmingly shows like three years

4:24

and just being around his family on

4:26

day like Tommy so much and so

4:28

that was like my initial. On.

4:32

Crew. Introduction right to for she

4:34

and other night or then did you

4:36

like say when people ask really young

4:38

a Christian? yeah yeah I did when

4:40

I was a high. Totally was the

4:42

and yeah confusing to you like why

4:44

am I saying this and I don't

4:46

really know what that and it. Let's

4:48

see I actually I had no idea

4:50

the concept of like exerting Jesus into

4:52

your heart and who on and like

4:54

that is it a little moment all

4:56

the alleys like when you said Krysten.

4:59

You. Really a Christian. Enough for it.

5:01

Like there's no going back on. I

5:03

didn't know that and so I dislike.

5:05

Yeah, I'm a Christian because I say

5:08

so, but it uses it. Yeah, no,

5:10

I'm into isn't a chess. Worldly.

5:13

Viewpoint on how to be a Christian? Yeah,

5:15

and so it was just kind of like,

5:17

well it sounds good, I'd like to go

5:20

to heaven. So yeah, it's. Funny

5:22

because this is a this is partner head

5:24

do you feel like it was almost a

5:26

scare tactic in a way A Why you

5:28

said you work as you didn't want to

5:30

go to hell like opposite of heaven is

5:33

hello my the on having you go to

5:35

hell I as a kid and i still

5:37

thing about isn't as easily. Get. So

5:39

much as a kid I was terrified

5:41

of death. Like I would

5:43

be a bit. Murray will give you

5:45

a good. Guy. Does this

5:48

mean. That I didn't I can

5:50

pinpoint obviously known as leaning me but

5:52

I remember being so terrified of going

5:55

to sleep thinking my mind is racing

5:57

about like a hard die getting a.

6:00

Though it is black and then I would

6:02

just years I had seventies fairly moments and

6:04

oh my gosh she was paralyzed. hang yeah

6:06

it was awful n n that would happen

6:08

periodically in I just kept shutting out shutting

6:10

out like I don't want to think like

6:13

that because it scares he. Is he someone?

6:15

She's Heidi? yeah and that sort of such

6:17

an early age you feel like you know

6:19

where that came from like stemmed from L.

6:21

Got. Some a now

6:24

I know. The way I mean yeah

6:26

like it was just like from such

6:28

early age. he was just like point

6:30

me in. point me in in ways

6:32

that a. And hindsight can

6:34

look back and see what you know.

6:36

As a kid I didn't know any

6:38

better. I just need that. That was

6:40

terrifying and the older I got older.

6:42

gotta hear about Christianity and some like

6:45

okay yeah sure I'm a christian but

6:47

and I didn't know yet what it

6:49

meant I had no personal relationship with

6:51

Jesus and hey it was just purely

6:53

like I wanna be a christian bro

6:55

I am therefore a ah yes says

6:57

any man This boyfriend that your data

6:59

for three years he was a christian

7:01

is was that when you. I.

7:04

Mean at that point he sooner

7:06

as Jesus into your heart. So

7:08

funny enough I did and hey

7:10

ah but I don't count that

7:12

one I know say okay his

7:14

or again I didn't. Read.

7:16

I didn't know what was what that

7:18

meant but I remember like texting him

7:21

being like yeah league it all sounds

7:23

so great like i won't die and

7:25

I remember he like texan me a

7:27

prayer stewart you're not with each other

7:30

arm he was texting your prayer to

7:32

pray and but I wish is still

7:34

like it was not There is no

7:36

connection nine and it nothing. happened

7:39

after that there was no progression

7:41

i didn't go to church it

7:43

was really just like well and

7:45

dating this guy he's a christian

7:47

so i might as well do

7:49

it yeah i i again no

7:51

personal relationship with jesus i'm i

7:54

prayed that prayer but it felt

7:56

like no one was listening and

7:58

it was just empty And I

8:00

think it was because my heart was still just

8:02

hardened to the idea of it. I just

8:04

didn't understand and it was not my time yet.

8:08

And I think I needed to have

8:10

that sense of desperation for him. And

8:14

not just like a wishy washy

8:16

like, Oh, I decide today. Sure.

8:19

And then the next day I don't really feel it. Yeah.

8:22

You know, so does that I mean,

8:24

and looking back, do you feel like

8:26

those were like seeds planted though? Oh

8:28

yeah. Big time, big time.

8:31

And again, like I mentioned earlier, his

8:33

family was just so sweet to me and

8:35

they knew I was it. They

8:38

knew I was it. And they were just

8:40

so kind. And I remember we would go

8:42

on family trips with them and they would

8:44

take me to church. And I remember just

8:46

like soaking it in, but it was years

8:48

of that, of that progression. And

8:50

they would, yeah, they would take me along with them. And

8:52

I was just one of them. And

8:55

just being around them, you, you learn slowly.

8:58

Oh yeah. Who Jesus's character is more

9:01

and more. Um, but

9:03

again, no personal relationship when I would leave

9:05

them and go back to my own house,

9:08

there was nothing. Yeah. Nothing.

9:11

The transition from that period to college. Let's

9:14

talk about that's when it happens. Really,

9:16

really. Give us all the tea. Tell us.

9:20

Okay. This is where the tea starts. That was just a little

9:22

intro bit. Yeah. So

9:25

actually we had a really terrible

9:27

breakup. He cheated on me when

9:29

he went to college and that

9:32

just completely wrecked me. I

9:37

was always like a goody two shoes and

9:39

that like sent me into a

9:42

spiral. Really? Oh yeah. And

9:45

I just, oh my gosh, got

9:47

into drinking underage

9:49

drinking. I was, I

9:51

got into smoking and I

9:53

got addicted. Really? Like

9:55

cigarettes or marijuana. Okay. Yeah.

9:59

I. I got addicted me and

10:01

I just oh my gosh, I every

10:03

single day I can go without it

10:05

and I was hanging from a parents

10:08

matches not like me and I just

10:10

kept getting deeper and deeper and deeper

10:12

into this addiction and into the wrong

10:14

crowds and I just was like were,

10:16

how did I get to this point.

10:19

Because. You know, growing up

10:21

like you still have that like

10:23

moral compass I like to say

10:25

And so even though I wasn't

10:27

Christian am, I still wanted to

10:29

be a good person and wanted

10:31

to like treat myself well. And

10:33

you know I knew that those

10:35

things are wrong. An. Addiction

10:37

was like taking over me. I

10:39

knew that they can do anything

10:41

about it and I didn't have

10:43

the strength to do anything about

10:46

it. And then it turned it

10:48

flipped Try. Didn't want to do

10:50

anything about it. Okay, and so

10:52

it just got deeper and deeper.

10:54

And it wasn't until I decided

10:56

to quit when I left for

10:58

college so actually moved away with

11:00

it on to go to college

11:02

and. When. I moved away.

11:04

I decided to leave all of

11:06

night supplies at home and I

11:08

was just like this is it

11:10

like I'm going and I actually

11:12

told myself when I left I'm

11:14

going to find a crushing community

11:16

and I'm going to do this

11:18

for myself because I'm so tired

11:20

of this in between and not

11:23

knowing on and because you have

11:25

to know he has a know

11:27

who Jesus is to understand what

11:29

you believe and so that was

11:31

a turning point for me. I

11:33

left everything. At home as quit cold

11:35

turkey or my hands decided like that

11:37

was it. That was when I was

11:39

going to figure it out for myself.

11:41

I wanted that person or really should

11:43

be him what made you and that

11:45

moment night. Think.

11:47

That you need a Jesus isn't like

11:49

was it every other see that were

11:51

planted all along to be like well.

11:54

i'm so on display and i've heard

11:56

that jesus promises this isn't like what

11:58

made you want to seek

12:00

him in that versus

12:03

holding like a grudge against him. Right

12:06

and for a while I did hold a grudge

12:09

but I think again it was just

12:11

that level of desperation of I

12:14

am not getting fulfilled by relationships

12:16

which I thought would fulfill me

12:18

right. I'm not

12:20

getting filled by partying

12:23

or by consuming all

12:26

of the things I and I just got

12:28

to a point where I was at my

12:30

lowest and I was just like I see

12:33

the joy that Jesus brings to

12:35

people. You can see it. You

12:38

literally can and it's so evident

12:40

when you meet believers and

12:42

I just wanted that. I wanted

12:45

to feel joy again because I was so

12:48

depressed and so low

12:50

and the addiction was just like pounding,

12:52

pounding, pounding at the door and just

12:54

getting worse and worse and I was

12:56

just like if I don't do something

12:58

about this I'm going to go down

13:00

the wrong path especially going to college

13:03

especially when you have a new sense

13:05

of freedom right when you're out of

13:07

your parents house and you get to

13:09

do whatever you want and I just

13:12

knew that if I didn't take that

13:14

step and reach out to Jesus that

13:16

I wouldn't, I wouldn't and

13:19

so I just really just had to.

13:22

That gave me chills like when you were saying

13:24

that you were in such a desperate place. You

13:27

knew of Jesus and everything but that you could

13:29

see it on other people and you just

13:33

like you're so desperate for it

13:35

to be fulfilled but you had already tried

13:37

everything else so it's like okay so Jesus

13:40

I'm going to give you a shot at this

13:42

leaving where we left off and then you decided

13:44

you're going off to college and

13:46

let's talk about that. Yeah so

13:49

went off to college and there was

13:51

this college ministry that I had heard

13:53

of from my actual pathway

13:55

friends which is so funny. He

13:58

Broke your heart. but he planted some seeds. And

14:02

yeah, it was called crew

14:04

and it's like a worldwide

14:06

mystery And they have. They're.

14:09

Very big in college campuses. very. And.

14:11

I knew that sends a state had

14:14

crew and sounds like okay I guess

14:16

I'm doing this is the best way

14:18

to do it is just me his

14:20

people and let them help me and

14:22

I just remember on it. It took

14:24

me a bit I went to the

14:26

very first meeting and then didn't have

14:28

the guts to go back. Oh no

14:30

way out of the first meaning it

14:32

did you feel like they were welcoming

14:34

Lorna-they were so of gray yeah it

14:36

wasn't damn it was mean because again

14:38

I'd was just so like I wasn't

14:40

giving him my all. As still

14:42

has his hands so nervous and

14:45

I still was holding on to

14:47

what I wanted and so. Being.

14:49

In college and meeting always you people,

14:51

I'm still being pulled in the wrong

14:54

direction. heavily gain. I shouldn't have left

14:56

my several i you know benches. I

14:58

just want party ice When I'm like

15:00

you know, enjoy the college experience and

15:02

all these things. And he I. He's.

15:04

He. Really pull me out Nikkei's

15:07

Two months later and to

15:09

college. my afternoon class got

15:11

cancelled and they have their

15:13

weekly meetings in. The

15:16

afternoons and some ass new cut

15:18

class got cancelled and on. From.

15:21

There I was in my room praying and

15:23

I was like. God. Please like

15:26

gave me a group of people that

15:28

will help me because I am so

15:30

weak on my own. I don't have

15:32

the strength to do it. I don't

15:35

have the. Stamina. Willpower.

15:37

Yeah, I don't have the willpower

15:39

to take continue with this. I

15:41

need help the as I can't

15:43

do it on my own and

15:45

he just like that or just

15:47

like okay. You. You have

15:49

a meeting to go to. I completely forgot about

15:52

it though because my classes cancel and like oh

15:54

my gosh, you're right And Simon protecting these people?

15:56

that a what with all my first meeting I

15:58

can. You. Please. Go Of him. nervous. No

16:00

one replied and so I'm like, oh my

16:02

gosh, I have to go alone, which that

16:04

is so intimidating. Was it the crew meeting?

16:07

Mm-hmm. Okay. And I was

16:09

so intimidated and I just got up and

16:11

walked and went to the meeting and guess

16:13

who was freaking there? Cam. Cam. Chills.

16:16

That is so... Wow.

16:19

Yeah, he was and I

16:21

had heard of him before. No way.

16:24

We had talked in passing. He had

16:26

already introduced himself to me randomly and

16:29

but I had no idea he was a

16:31

Christian. Okay. And I went and he was

16:33

in charge of delegating rides to get to

16:35

the meeting and so I was

16:37

like, Cam? What?

16:41

Did we know he was going to be my

16:43

husband? Hadn't already had phone numbers at that point

16:45

or anything? No! It was just like you had

16:47

met in passing. Yeah, just like that. Oh my

16:49

gosh. And when I tell

16:51

you Cam is single-handedly the one

16:53

that brought me out physically,

16:57

I mean Jesus obviously brought me

16:59

out of the darkness, but Cam

17:01

was the practical one. Yeah. That

17:03

orchestrated that and he introduced

17:06

me immediately to all of these women

17:09

and people that he knew I would

17:11

get along with personality-wise just immediately. That

17:13

day? That day. That day. And

17:15

I never looked back. Oh my

17:18

gosh. Yeah. I guess he chills. And

17:20

since we... I've heard y'all's story so

17:22

many times but it's the added detail

17:24

really. Oh, I feel like,

17:26

wait! That's so beautiful. So

17:30

how did that go? Like you

17:32

said immediately it changed

17:34

your life. It did. And was it a process

17:36

or was it like you felt this newness but

17:39

okay this is what God has been calling me

17:41

to and pulling me

17:43

out of? Yeah. So it was a process

17:45

in the sense that I fully accepted Jesus

17:47

when I fully knew what it meant to

17:49

accept Jesus. And that's when I say the

17:52

last time I didn't really count it because

17:54

I didn't know what it meant. And

17:58

this time was different and I can't... I

18:00

could sense the Holy Spirit was

18:02

with me this time. And

18:04

I just felt so near and dear to him.

18:08

But it was a process. But that's what

18:10

I wanted. I wanted to

18:12

get all the knowledge, all the

18:14

background of who he was,

18:16

what he did for us, the meaning behind that,

18:19

what it means for me, my

18:21

purpose now, my

18:23

new life, and all of those things. It

18:25

took a bit for me to understand it.

18:27

But once I did, it was

18:30

just unbelievable. That's

18:32

amazing. Oh, and so

18:35

how I kind of

18:37

do want to talk about you and came a little bit in

18:39

that because you found Jesus, all of

18:41

that, and you obviously acknowledge that he was a

18:43

big part of that. Did he know? So when

18:45

did you all start dating in that season?

18:48

Yeah, so we were actually just

18:50

friends for a year, at least.

18:54

And we had on each other the crush.

18:57

The crush was instant, instant. And we

18:59

were actually attached at the hip for

19:01

the first week of knowing him. And

19:04

just hanging out 24 seven, he would go sneak

19:06

into my classes and sit with me just because

19:08

we didn't want to be apart from each other.

19:10

Oh my gosh. But his mentors were like, boy,

19:14

she is not ready for a relationship. Oh

19:16

no way. Yeah, because I was not a

19:18

Christian at that point. I remember backtrack. They

19:23

were like, this is not the time, respectfully,

19:25

not gonna happen. And he was like, you're

19:27

so right. Like, what is your relationship on

19:29

his end? But he was still

19:32

respectful and didn't ghost you. Right. No,

19:35

but he did have to have a talk with me.

19:37

And I remember being like, are you kidding me? How

19:39

did that, you told me about that. Do you care

19:41

if we talk about that? Yeah. Because

19:43

I know that was like the

19:45

beginning of y'all's relationship. And that's

19:47

why y'all crushed on each other for so long

19:49

because y'all really couldn't be together yet. Right, yeah.

19:51

Because you all chose not to be. So basically,

19:54

my future husband was like,

19:57

had this conversation with me, sit down and was like,

20:00

actually like we need to stop this like

20:02

we can't be together and I know you

20:04

don't understand but like I really need to

20:06

pursue God and because he had his whole

20:08

background right in high school and all these

20:11

things and when he came to college he

20:13

was also like I need to pursue him

20:15

and only him for a bit because

20:18

that's what I need and so he was

20:20

also like this is not the time like

20:22

I'm so sorry but like

20:24

we cannot continue this and I remember

20:26

being like what is wrong with you?

20:30

I was livid! I'm like

20:32

who is this boy that decided to like

20:34

spend every waking second with me for a

20:36

week and then all of a sudden he

20:38

doesn't want to hang out with me anymore

20:41

that's what I thought and I was like

20:43

I did not get it I didn't get

20:45

it but I remember like

20:47

feeling this tug of like

20:50

I felt so strongly that like God put

20:52

in in my life and

20:54

like so what does this mean

20:56

like what the heck because I

20:58

truly truly knew immediately like God

21:00

put him in my life for

21:02

a reason I just

21:04

thought that that was a relationship and so when

21:07

it wasn't I was like huh confused

21:09

he put him in my life

21:12

initially to lead

21:14

me to a community of believers

21:17

that assisted me to get to where I

21:19

was in my relationship with Christ they

21:21

they he was the stepping stone right we

21:24

were not supposed to be in a relationship

21:26

yet and I mean it did work out

21:28

hey we did get married but

21:31

it took a bit and yeah so I

21:35

just remember I just remember being like

21:37

so confused yeah did that cause any

21:39

pullback from church or from your relationship

21:42

with Jesus because you're like Jesus why did you

21:44

give this to me but you're feel like you're

21:46

taking it away now yeah no it didn't

21:48

it actually helped me because

21:51

again I beforehand was trying

21:53

to find some fulfillment in

21:56

relationships in A B C

21:58

whatever and he was like, uh-uh,

22:01

you're going to find fulfillment in me and

22:03

only me and everything else is

22:05

going to be an additive. So

22:08

you better wait, honey. Yeah. What

22:10

a patient like trying, how do

22:12

you wear that? My pregnancy brains just clicked

22:14

on like a trying of patient season. Do

22:16

you feel like it came easy because you

22:19

had your new relationship with Jesus? It came

22:21

easy because I had

22:23

a community of people that

22:25

surrounded me and

22:28

truly, truly cared about my

22:30

relationship with Christ. I love

22:32

that. They really just

22:34

took me by the hand and

22:36

Jesus was through them.

22:39

Jesus spoke to me through them because before

22:41

I really prayed consistently, before I

22:43

read my Bible and all these

22:46

things, God spoke to me

22:48

through them. I love that. And that's, that's how

22:50

I got to know Jesus. Yeah. And that's how

22:52

I got through it. Um,

22:54

and learned everything that I did

22:56

was through his body. Yeah. That

22:58

is why I'm so thankful

23:00

that he, for the

23:02

gift of community and like the

23:04

people, and it's

23:08

so wild that some of the people that

23:10

have impacted our lives just through conversation have

23:12

no idea. Just one sentence they spoke, like

23:16

impaled us and be like, whoa, wait.

23:18

And then clung to that, even like

23:20

a simple statement or whatever. Um,

23:24

that's beautiful. And so that is

23:26

why I'm so thankful for community I have and

23:28

thank new community I get and new friendships and

23:31

that I don't want to take it for

23:33

granted because it's so special. And it

23:35

makes me sad when people are like, I don't have that, but I want

23:37

that. And I'm like, God will

23:40

give it to you, you know, and, but

23:42

it did, you had to step out in

23:44

a way and say yes, and being obedient

23:46

and you went and you went to this

23:48

crew thing and all those people were there

23:50

and came, introduced you. And then you got

23:53

this new community. And so Like

23:55

all looking back, seeing how your story

23:57

has like come together, like how special.

24:00

Who is that? and like thought

24:02

out earlier and. Diocese.

24:04

His faithfulness name my life is

24:06

with eminent all of years I

24:08

were to it's the zebra says

24:11

as it is safe or less

24:13

was just so are evident and

24:15

it was just years and years

24:17

of him bringing me back bringing

24:19

me back and till I had

24:21

the fullest about unsafe and just

24:24

yeah it was either i'm actually

24:26

there is a server in the

24:28

i just was the last week

24:30

where it they were talking about

24:32

act from early church never and

24:34

he said this. Thing. About

24:37

like you need to make up your

24:39

mind because you're taking too long your

24:41

wishy washy you know, doing church on

24:43

Sundays than you do whatever you want

24:45

during the week. Like you need to

24:47

make of her mine. And once you

24:49

make up your mind, yeah God will

24:51

use that and he he will work

24:53

the organ You I love that. Yeah,

24:56

I mean it's it's the hurtful truth

24:58

the of I mean we're not called.

25:00

be luke warm and we can't be

25:02

stagnant. We can't be in the middle.

25:04

It's you're either. Choose. And him or

25:06

not, There's not and him between. And.

25:09

Me. So the bible says he has spit

25:12

you out and I don't want to be

25:14

fed out our me too. That's why I

25:16

had an excessive. A

25:19

third. Of

25:22

in that time I do want to

25:24

talk about to school items in our

25:27

stories we just talk about the good

25:29

testimony parts were there could you feel

25:31

dart said enemy were throwing in that

25:33

time to of like how were you

25:35

able to com that. Makes

25:37

the enemy so we'll still arm. But

25:40

when the Holy spirit is so president,

25:42

there's really not room for that Where

25:44

I do feel like you are in

25:46

that season of waiting for you. Said

25:48

it came easy for you. Can

25:50

simply you think like oh well. That's.

25:53

Going to bring in my anger or whatever and

25:55

like the enemy be like, see, you're really

25:57

not good enough. You're really not worthy year hearts.

26:00

The American again yeah that will

26:02

say I get you're saying yeah

26:04

I think like I didn't really

26:06

notice that in till. Proudly.

26:08

When we got married and on

26:10

okay when. Yeah.

26:13

When the enemy really tried to

26:15

bring that back during a wreck

26:17

or marriage in a lot away,

26:19

like we struggled, our marriage was

26:22

rough for the first few years.

26:24

Really? yeah? Oh yeah. But again,

26:26

when I was. Freshly Christian

26:29

except your Christ like I was all

26:31

in as infatuated with him because before

26:33

that that's an enemy was like ah

26:35

he didn't get my for you legs

26:37

regen of her hair. Don't worry about

26:39

a Here's all these other things that

26:41

I want you to get into Ray

26:43

and that was at push push push

26:46

pull into I finally accepted him A

26:48

with there's No Going Back The Right

26:50

The first year was really. No.

26:53

I didn't censor and own ocean so

26:55

filled with holy spirit, so surrounded by

26:57

my younger days. It wasn't until. First.

27:00

Of all, we got married and coded. Ten. Or

27:02

Twenty June and Tony Tony. And

27:05

so there goes our community. See.

27:07

A yeah, were isolated, we're

27:09

now engaged, were getting married,

27:12

and we were just like

27:14

thrown. For a loop. On.

27:16

Because again we are whole process

27:18

of dating, engagement, marriage was just

27:21

soon surrounded by mentors, the site,

27:23

lawyers or community that was just

27:26

pour into as anyone we got

27:28

stripped from that. Man.

27:31

Me worse your ago and

27:33

it was hard how to

27:35

jog. Deal. With it. We

27:38

really have really didn't Herbert? ah

27:40

we didn't and we were just

27:42

so like thrown for a loop

27:44

in the beginning or a marriage

27:46

like everything changes immediately, an ego

27:49

and with all these expectations and

27:51

eating it's gonna be lovey dovey

27:53

even you know, butterflies and remove

27:55

And that was just not the

27:57

case for us. And we. You

28:00

know you hear a lot of people are

28:02

like all the first your meet with the

28:04

honeymoon phase. To her we ain't got no

28:06

her is a the city to not. We

28:08

went straight into like we've been married for

28:10

like ten year old. my Billie Less yeah

28:12

But honestly like. We've. Been we've

28:14

gotten so much closer because of that.

28:17

The his. We went through the wringer

28:19

so early on and were growing up

28:21

with each other. We got married at

28:23

nineteen and twenty. so I mean there's

28:25

growing pains their your frontal lobe is

28:27

not fully develop. I know that you're

28:29

like twenty five, right? Yeah, yeah, so

28:31

there is this. A lot of figuring

28:33

each other out, growing together and. The.

28:36

Enemy use.isolation for

28:39

for. Whatever. He

28:41

wanted with it and just plain

28:43

saying these insecurities and questioning and

28:45

douses like should we got married

28:47

and like oh my gosh, it

28:49

was Ross and we had no

28:52

one. We. Had no one

28:54

checking us out Now No one was like

28:56

no, no, no, Like. God

28:58

God put you in each other's

29:00

live for a reason. You guys

29:02

got married and or his will

29:04

be like you are honoring him

29:07

because he did that and. In.

29:09

Note: we didn't have that, he didn't

29:11

have that reassurance. Ah, we only had

29:14

each other and each other was.yeah this

29:16

is not true and well of right

29:18

I know is so funny, not funny

29:20

but. How the enemy likes

29:22

to bring us make us feel isolated.

29:25

And. Is

29:27

mentally. And spiritually. And.

29:29

Then physically tell you're literally isolated

29:32

and I think that's whenever he

29:34

tries to work best in a

29:36

harder almost. And especially y'all had

29:39

just got married and entered into

29:41

this covenant with God and it

29:43

was so beautiful and like all

29:45

this in in a hits and

29:48

but also the bible tells us

29:50

that. To. go to isolated place

29:52

in to pray sometimes because it also like

29:54

the holy spirit will meet you there right

29:56

so what ended up like what is your

29:58

learn from that and like How did you come

30:00

out of that or what did

30:02

that isolated season physically do

30:05

for y'all? Well we

30:07

were lucky enough to actually

30:10

split rent. We split rent on a house

30:12

with our brother and sister-in-law and being with

30:15

them changed everything

30:18

because we weren't fully alone. We weren't alone

30:20

in our own thoughts. Like yes we got

30:23

stripped from basically all of our community but

30:25

we did have them and you

30:28

know what we did and what

30:30

was very helpful for us is we were

30:32

very passionate people and so

30:35

when we get an argument it's so hard to see eye

30:38

to eye and we also have

30:40

such different personalities so it's like

30:43

that can either be a really really good thing

30:45

or when you're not in your best state of

30:47

mind like it can be explosive

30:49

like it's a hot mess. Our

30:52

brother and sister-in-law they would be

30:54

like a mediator in our argument so

30:56

instead of us arguing to each other

30:58

we would be arguing as like the

31:01

argument is the third party and they

31:03

would help us through that and so

31:06

once we you know got married and

31:08

had all these new arguments and all

31:10

these new things happening they were they

31:12

really stepped in and was like our

31:15

mediator to like level us

31:17

out and give a new perspective and all

31:19

those things but it was

31:21

really like it took us again getting

31:23

to a low point and seeing the

31:25

desperation of our relationship with Christ and

31:27

needing him to step in and

31:29

be the center of our marriage that

31:32

is what's the pivotal moment for

31:34

us is getting to the point

31:36

of desperation again where I cannot do this on

31:38

myself by myself or I need to do this

31:40

with him. Well I love that y'all didn't just

31:42

end up being like okay well I guess this

31:44

means this wasn't meant to be and that we

31:46

should get a divorce because you

31:49

know it's not working out or whatever

31:51

and did y'all have that was

31:54

that ever brought up in that moment or were

31:56

y'all more so like no we've got to fight

31:58

because this is more than. It's a

32:00

spiritual battle. Yeah, divorce is

32:02

not an option for us. It still isn't and it

32:05

never will be. And

32:07

we knew that going in and so we've always

32:09

made it a rule to not talk about it.

32:12

Have we in our lowest

32:14

moments ever in the beginning of

32:16

our marriage thought about it? Yeah,

32:18

but was that God? No, that

32:21

was the enemy taking it in

32:24

our lowest. And the

32:26

what is the first go where

32:28

he's like a like a prowling line. He

32:30

seeks someone to devour. I may have butchered

32:33

that. Yeah. Yeah. And

32:35

he he really just

32:38

took advantage of our low point.

32:40

Yeah. Again, we were not really

32:42

doing anything to combat that. And

32:44

it is a spiritual battle. There

32:47

was a lot of spiritual warfare going

32:49

on. And but that's exactly what the

32:51

enemy wants. He wants to he

32:53

loves that. Yeah, he loves that. And that's

32:56

exactly what happened in the beginning of our

32:58

marriage. It was just spiritual warfare. Yeah, big

33:00

time. Was there like a shift of going

33:02

from that to like good? Or was it

33:04

just gradual? Like if there's somebody listening to

33:06

me like, that sounds like my marriage right

33:08

now. Like I'm going through that. Like what just

33:11

for encouragement because obviously you're in such a

33:14

good place now. How when did that

33:16

shift happen? Or how did that shift happen? It

33:18

was not a night and day. It

33:20

wasn't it was gradual. And

33:22

there was, you know, you would go

33:24

three steps forward and four steps back

33:27

like or vice versa. Like it was

33:29

not just a linear kind of growth.

33:31

It was you would think that you

33:33

were good for a few months. And

33:35

then, you know, you get into another

33:37

argument. And then it's like, at

33:40

the end of the world again. And so there

33:42

was a lot of that. But it was just

33:44

persistence and understanding

33:46

that we got married

33:49

for a reason to honor the Lord. And

33:51

it is a good thing That

33:53

we got married and fighting for a

33:56

successful marriage, not just hoping for a

33:58

successful marriage. Like You. After work

34:00

at you because as sites marriage

34:03

is it always rains as a

34:05

butterflies and of the little feelings

34:07

you get in all of that

34:09

end is more of just like

34:11

a choosing I was to guide

34:14

as it always and that it

34:16

was really a choice to love.

34:18

Yeah I love is choosing your

34:20

person every single day. It's not

34:23

just the ceiling right and understanding

34:25

more and more the character of

34:27

love and what is love truly

34:29

once. We started and it took

34:31

time. It takes six. It took

34:34

experience for us to understand what

34:36

love really is and what that

34:38

looks like an apparatus. Practical.

34:40

Sense for each other. And.

34:43

So he I was gradual. yeah know

34:45

for sure. I love the thank you

34:47

for sharing all that. and ah because

34:49

I do feel it. People get discouraged

34:51

in marriage and think it's personally one

34:53

land than it's not. and then if

34:56

you do not have that relationship with

34:58

God of what Love truly is like

35:00

it so I can see how easy

35:02

it is to get all twisted. I'm

35:04

like well this must really not been

35:06

a person because it's not. Work

35:09

out or what not and that's something that

35:11

part of money and harsh. as many as

35:14

I was a period where. We're.

35:17

We're. Not putting god first and we

35:19

wouldn't have said that out loud like

35:21

we did in. Think. We weren't,

35:24

but we are prioritizing each other and

35:26

we causes a lot of disappointment and

35:28

he was never been able to fill

35:30

the voids. In my heart

35:33

in my needs and might fill my

35:35

expectations with Will, only God could, and

35:37

so is just a lot of like

35:39

a practice we do. Being.

35:42

Married almost six a half

35:44

years is. Self. Reflecting

35:47

a time and haven't

35:49

His conversations. To sell

35:51

them like God. help

35:53

me worry prioritize because i can see

35:55

someone's off our priorities are off as

35:57

input and him first i the first

36:00

whatever and when God's not first

36:02

like everything else does not work out

36:04

like it is all over the place and

36:07

like knowing hunter can

36:09

never be my God has like

36:12

a hundred percent changed my

36:14

outlook on our marriage on our relationship

36:17

on other relationships

36:19

in that way and

36:22

so but that was I mean that took time and

36:24

a lot of self-reflection to realize like oh I was

36:28

probably not I

36:30

was not putting God first I'm like putting

36:33

hunter above him and all

36:35

of that because you get like you have

36:37

these expectations and then they're not met and you're like

36:41

you should know right you should know

36:43

me yeah and we again like saying

36:47

it said it was a gradual thing

36:49

and there's setbacks and whatever but when

36:51

I became postpartum that's where I really

36:53

felt it what you were just

36:55

explaining about like they will not fully

36:57

fulfill you even though like that's your

37:00

person like you love them so much

37:02

you just want them so badly to

37:04

understand and they

37:06

won't fully know you yeah fully understand

37:09

you only God will yes and like

37:11

only God will fully fulfill you and

37:14

I felt that amplified

37:16

so much and I was postpartum I

37:18

want to talk about it and that

37:21

I mean you're still fresh postpartum nine

37:23

months having a nine-month-old is still so

37:25

fresh yeah so leading into that

37:27

I'm just for viewers that don't might not know

37:29

you how long we all

37:31

married before you before

37:35

we had I she was born

37:37

like a week after our three-year

37:39

anniversary okay yeah three

37:42

I can't math a lot and so were y'all

37:44

in a good

37:46

place when y'all got pregnant like were you mentally

37:49

good and all of that and

37:51

so most as we've ever been yeah how talk

37:53

about I just want to talk about that season

37:55

like what were your expectations going into motherhood and

37:58

then when you got to motherhood I do want

38:00

to talk about that because I feel like that's so important to talk about

38:03

and how expectations might not have been

38:05

met. Yeah going into motherhood oh man

38:07

I was so excited so

38:09

excited I've always imagined myself a

38:11

mother I've always wanted

38:14

to be a mother to multiples

38:16

I love that idea and that

38:18

like is so aligned with my

38:20

personality nurturing naturally like I just

38:22

I was so excited yeah I was so excited

38:25

to start a family with Cam and

38:27

you know you the

38:30

people talk about you know not having

38:32

that like instant connection with their kid

38:34

and you just kind of disassociate after

38:36

giving birth and I was like

38:39

I think I'm gonna be like bawling

38:41

my eyes out like so excited to

38:43

meet my child and that just was

38:45

not the case I had a really

38:47

traumatic birth and labor and

38:49

delivery and by the time that I

38:51

gave birth I was super

38:55

low in oxygen I was passing out in

38:57

between every contraction oh my gosh like

38:59

in and out of consciousness completely blacking out

39:02

and so by the time I gave birth

39:04

I was also trigger warning I was like

39:06

throwing it up between every

39:08

contraction too I was so sick

39:10

and just like not doing well

39:12

and when I finally met her

39:14

I just wished that I felt

39:16

something I felt nothing I

39:19

didn't really make note of it when it first

39:21

happened but looking back I'm

39:24

like man yeah that was I didn't

39:26

have that instant connection and that

39:28

was heartbreaking and it was

39:31

just progressively getting worse and

39:34

I had problems breastfeeding and

39:36

I know so many people struggle with that

39:39

but I just yeah I had a really

39:41

hard time breastfeeding was getting a sleep she

39:43

was super colic for the first few months

39:45

that made it difficult because then I'm like

39:47

oh my gosh like I you

39:49

know I was expecting the newborn phase to

39:52

just be like cuddles like yeah you're tired

39:54

and breastfeeding is hard but like they love

39:56

you and I didn't I didn't feel

39:58

that and I felt like I was feeling as

40:00

a mom because she was just crying, crying, crying.

40:02

I didn't know why she was crying. And

40:05

it wouldn't stop. It wouldn't stop.

40:07

At all hours of the day, out of

40:09

the night, and I was just like, I

40:12

have failed. I have failed. I

40:14

shouldn't be a mom because I don't know what I'm

40:16

doing. And she is

40:18

just clearly not happy, doesn't love

40:21

me. Oh my gosh.

40:23

That's heartbreaking. And going through that during the baby

40:25

blues, by the way. Yeah. Not

40:27

it. No, that gives me chills. Because it

40:29

does bring me back. And just

40:32

like, I just want to

40:34

hug you. And that's so hard. Because

40:36

you also struggled with post-partum depression. And

40:38

that's like, you don't think

40:40

it's going to happen to you. You can be

40:43

as prepared as you think. Like, oh, I

40:45

hate that happens. But I feel like

40:47

I'll be good. And then when it happens, and

40:50

then also living in this

40:52

world and the enemy, also

40:55

feeding those expectations to

40:57

you. And be like, see, you're not called out to

40:59

be a mom. And you're already telling

41:01

yourself that. And then you're believing even more lies

41:03

from the enemy. And so

41:06

how was that for you? You

41:08

said you felt like such a failure and all of

41:11

that. So it was

41:13

almost like an

41:16

add up of things. Because you were thinking it

41:18

wasn't going to be you. And so you had

41:20

these great expectations. Obviously, the expectations were not met.

41:23

How did that affect you? Yeah,

41:25

I think now, the expectations

41:27

are, I mean, you're never going to know

41:30

what you are going

41:32

to get into being a first time mom, right?

41:34

So I went in with the expectation of, it's

41:36

going to be crazy. It's going to be wild.

41:39

It's going to be a difficult

41:41

thing to navigate no matter what. But

41:43

the one thing that was really

41:45

hard to get over was the

41:47

fact that she was so colic.

41:50

And I was just like, I'm not bonding with

41:52

my baby. And she doesn't like me. And

41:56

that threw me for a loop. Yeah. I

41:59

didn't expect that. to feel that and it lasted a long

42:01

time. And you

42:04

know, I also expected once the colic got

42:06

over, because you hear like, Oh, it'll get

42:08

so much better. It'll get so much better.

42:10

You're gonna love your baby. You're gonna have

42:12

such a good bond with them as soon

42:14

as you get over the colic hump, right?

42:17

And it didn't. And so again,

42:19

the expectations kept feeding of like, why am

42:21

I not bonding with my baby? Like I'm

42:23

struggling. I'm like, and oh

42:26

my gosh, I was just like

42:28

lashing out. I was so like

42:30

hormonal and depressed

42:33

and angry. It

42:35

just turned into like literal rage

42:37

postpartum rage. It

42:39

is. And I again was

42:41

just like, what is wrong with me?

42:43

Like this is not like me. I'm not an angry person.

42:46

And I was just lashing out, not

42:49

at her, thank goodness. But

42:52

just like, I noticed it at cam. Like

42:55

the littlest thing would just

42:57

tick me off. And I

42:59

would just like unload everything. And

43:02

he didn't know what to do.

43:04

Poor thing. And looking back

43:06

on it, like, and that's

43:08

what I was trying to say earlier about

43:11

God fulfilling, fully fulfilling me and cam is

43:13

not ever going to fully know me. And

43:16

when I fully understood

43:18

that and recognize that in the realm of

43:20

postpartum, that's when things started to change. And

43:23

I started to see things in a

43:26

different light because here I was like

43:28

asking him, like, why don't you just like understand?

43:31

And it's like, he's not meant to understand. Like

43:34

he's not. And I believe that

43:36

like God created this

43:38

and postpartum the way that it was supposed

43:40

to be so that we go to him

43:43

during this hardest time. And

43:45

that's actually what my sister in law

43:47

explained because she struggled with so much

43:49

bad postpartum anxiety. And same

43:51

thing was just like, why do you not

43:54

understand? Why don't you understand? And

43:56

they're not supposed to. They're

43:58

led to support you. you and

44:01

love you through that, but they're never

44:03

going to fully understand. And

44:05

that's so, that's such a special thing. And

44:08

when I started to see it as a special thing

44:10

and not just a burden and

44:13

disappointment, that's when

44:15

I started to see like the goodness

44:17

in it. And that this is

44:19

just my testimony, a part of my testimony. And

44:21

God is still working in it. Even though it

44:24

didn't feel like it for the longest time. I

44:26

was like, God, he literally deserted me. He didn't.

44:28

He didn't. And he's now using it being on

44:30

the other end. He's now using it. And he

44:33

was there with me all along. Um,

44:36

and, and again, through his people

44:38

and through cam and just in

44:41

the low, low moments, that's like 3 AM

44:44

when Addie is just crying and crying and crying. And

44:46

it just stopped. He was there with me. Yeah. Even

44:48

though I didn't feel like he was. And

44:51

in hindsight, I know he was cause he never

44:53

leaves you. He never forsakes you. You know, he

44:55

was with me all along. It just took me

44:57

recognizing it. Um, to like,

45:00

believe it. Yes. That is

45:02

such a good like revelation that he gave

45:04

you during that time. And how it's truly

45:06

is a special thing that our husbands can't

45:08

fill that role. Like, because it's

45:11

meant for God to

45:13

fulfill in our lives. And

45:16

cause if we got

45:18

that satisfaction of

45:20

fulfillment from our husband, we wouldn't run to

45:22

God for anything. You know,

45:24

and, and that is a tendency to always

45:26

want to run to your husband. He's the

45:29

fixer, but he's not. Thank

45:32

you for sharing that. That is so

45:34

deep and special. And I know your

45:36

story is, has already helped a lot

45:38

of people and that are going through postpartum and that

45:42

is just, I'm excited to see the new

45:44

season that you're walking through and all

45:46

of that. And I know you have some exciting things

45:48

coming up that we can't share on here yet, but

45:52

I'm just like, I'm so proud of you for

45:55

everything. And like, just

45:57

hearing your sharing your story, because

45:59

I mean, it's your. story to tell and so

46:02

thank you for sharing that. So you were

46:04

diagnosed with postpartum

46:06

depression how long did that season last?

46:09

So I got an official diagnosis I

46:12

think I was like four

46:14

or five months postpartum maybe and then

46:17

I was on treatment for a few months and

46:20

I've now been off of it for a few months. Is

46:23

that all good? Yeah I

46:25

feel like myself. Yeah. For once.

46:27

Amazing. Yeah. You feel better and

46:29

like how how

46:31

are you? I am

46:34

really thankful for it all

46:37

and I'm just very

46:39

grateful and happy to

46:41

be a mom. I'm finally feeling the

46:44

fulfillment and feeling my purpose as a

46:46

mother and I'm so excited

46:48

for the future and to raise her up

46:50

in Christ and I'm just

46:52

like so so grateful

46:54

for her and everything that I've been

46:56

through and I'm now just

46:59

really excited to be able to use

47:01

it to use my story

47:03

for good and take

47:06

what I've learned and hopefully help someone

47:08

else. Yeah. Well in that and

47:11

as we're closing out like if

47:13

you could go back where you're

47:15

sitting at now and how you feel if

47:17

you could go back until you're freshly

47:20

postpartum self when you were in the midst of

47:22

all of that what would

47:24

you want to tell yourself? I

47:27

would say to be gentle to

47:29

yourself just

47:31

like you were built for this you're

47:34

made for this you have a purpose in it

47:36

and to just

47:38

be kind because you're

47:40

doing the best that you can like

47:43

your best is your best and that's

47:45

it and just like let God do

47:48

the rest like let

47:50

him work with whatever you

47:52

got even if it's just a tiny

47:54

bit and to give yourself grace the

47:57

way God gives you grace. That's Good.

47:59

I Love it. that will they do

48:01

so lights Were being here on the

48:03

Salty podcast and I'm so glad you

48:05

came in like shared or that to

48:07

thank you again just for sharing your

48:10

testimony and I'm just so proud of

48:12

you and I know that you your

48:14

story is gonna. Reach. So many

48:16

people that need to. Than. It

48:18

needs to reach and. Yeah, thank

48:20

you. So intervening years you if

48:23

y'all want to follow them on

48:25

tic toc they're kinda now Instagram

48:27

Caramel everything to me now. Yeah.

48:31

Yeah I will have a personal

48:33

and see impersonal Instagram Was that

48:35

Mallory M. Re Okay yes and

48:37

she has exciting things coming up

48:39

so stay tuned and if you

48:41

want to see what skipping over

48:43

the in here we appreciate your

48:45

so much and we will see

48:47

you next Know.