0:02

A science story.

0:06

the united

0:06

I

0:09

hope to get it up. It was that golden

0:12

moment.

0:12

Because science was on my side.

0:23

Hey, everyone.

0:24

Welcome to the story clutter,

0:26

where we bring you true personal stories

0:28

about science. I'm your host, Mischa

0:30

Gayescu, and it's been a while

0:32

since I've talked to you. I missed you.

0:34

But like our

0:36

storytellers this week, I needed to

0:38

get outside, you know, be in nature

0:40

and do some healing. So

0:43

Just a few weeks ago, I got on a plane

0:46

to go to the Yukon to

0:48

do a five day backcountry hiking trip

0:50

in Tombstone Territorial Park. I

0:52

walked up and down mountains for five days

0:54

with a fifty pound pack on my back. I

0:57

cried, I lost a tone out,

0:59

and I ruined my knees for a few weeks.

1:02

But there was this one moment

1:04

where after three hours of

1:06

literally clawing my way up

1:08

a loose gravel slope of a mountain,

1:10

in the pouring rain where I finally

1:13

got to the top and the clouds

1:15

cleared and the crystal blue lake

1:17

in the valley glinted in the sun.

1:20

that my shoulders dropped,

1:22

my inner to do list monologue was

1:24

quiet, and

1:25

all my worries just disappeared.

1:28

I don't

1:28

know if it's the trees, the fresh air,

1:30

or the fact that while I'm hiking

1:33

in the backcountry, I literally can't do

1:35

anything but focus on the task I need

1:37

to survive, but I crave that

1:39

feeling of peace. And it's not

1:42

just me who thinks that being in nature can

1:44

be healing. There's A

1:46

whole bunch of research behind

1:48

it. Studies have found that time

1:50

in nature, as long as people feel

1:52

safe, is an antidote for stress.

1:55

It can lower blood pressure and stress

1:57

hormone levels, reduce nervous

1:59

system arousal,

1:59

enhance immune system function,

2:02

increase self esteem, reduce anxiety,

2:05

and improve mood. How cool is that?

2:07

Anyway, both our stories

2:09

this week explored the phenomenon of using

2:12

nature as a catalyst for healing. Our

2:14

first story is from John O'Bear. He

2:16

first performed the story online at

2:18

our second Super Collider Stories Lam in

2:20

April twenty twenty one. but

2:23

it was professionally recorded in John's

2:25

home in Davis, California.

2:37

The

2:37

hour long drive was silent.

2:39

tense. I

2:41

was angry. I was heartbroken.

2:43

I was lost.

2:45

This

2:46

was definitely not the parenting

2:48

experience I'd signed up for?

2:50

We

2:50

were once so close,

2:52

hiking

2:53

companions, book buddies,

2:55

fellow adventurers, and

2:57

now it was all drifting away.

3:00

Looking

3:00

back at her in the rear view mirror,

3:02

her teenage gaze seemed filled with

3:04

disdain. Now,

3:07

I always liked kids, but I wasn't remotely

3:09

prepared for the depth of love, heartache,

3:12

and emotional investment I would come to

3:14

as a new father. To

3:17

our dismay, parenting didn't start off so

3:19

well for my wife, Nancy, and me, as

3:21

Jenny landed in the NICU with breathing problems

3:23

when she was born. The

3:26

NICU, the neonatal intensive

3:28

care unit, when

3:29

we were grateful for the wonders of modern

3:31

medical science, the whole experience

3:34

was stressful and emotionally draining.

3:37

The

3:38

second night, sensing that my

3:40

rock star wife was nearing fleet

3:42

exhaustion. I

3:43

encouraged her to get some rest and assured

3:46

her that I would wake up and be at the hospital

3:48

for the scheduled three AM feeding.

3:50

because

3:50

that's how they roll in the NICU, whether we

3:52

liked it or not.

3:55

As

3:55

I walked in, the friendly nurses looked

3:57

at me quizzically and asked me what I was doing

3:59

there. I'm

4:01

here to take care of my little girl.

4:03

I said with my newfound sense of paternal

4:05

pride and responsibility.

4:08

sitting in that sterile room,

4:11

holding her, giving her a bottle,

4:14

gazing into her beautiful little face,

4:17

All worry melted away.

4:19

We were the only two souls in the universe.

4:22

Thankfully,

4:24

she made a full recovery.

4:28

I poured myself into fatherhood.

4:31

I took her hiking, read her book

4:33

after book, and sang her songs

4:35

at bedtime every night.

4:38

When

4:38

she was about six, I started to make

4:40

up elaborate serialized bedtime

4:42

stories about an adventurous little chihuahua

4:44

named Minty.

4:46

Just when I thought I couldn't come up with another

4:49

installment, she'd say daddy please

4:51

chest one more.

4:53

I

4:53

adored that little girl and she adored

4:56

me.

4:58

but

4:58

little girls grow up, they become

5:00

independent, and they need to distance themselves

5:03

from their parents. My

5:04

wife dealt with this so much better

5:06

than me, she was just better at letting her

5:08

grow up than I was.

5:11

For me, it was death by a

5:13

thousand cuts.

5:15

Now

5:15

there's nothing remarkable or out of the ordinary

5:18

about the evolution of our relationship.

5:21

At some point, dads lose their luster

5:23

and it teenager just needs to find

5:25

herself on her own terms.

5:28

My rational brain understood that, but

5:30

it was heartbreaking for me nonetheless. I

5:34

missed my little girl. So

5:36

that was the fragile landscape of our

5:38

relationship as I looked back at my thirteen

5:41

year old in the rearview mirror that morning.

5:43

racing to catch a boat. We'd

5:46

flown back to Ohio to join some of my

5:48

wife's family on a grand summer road

5:50

trip to Canada, We

5:52

eventually made our way to a small village

5:54

east of Quebec City on the St. Lawrence River.

5:57

As a geography teacher and nature lever

5:59

I

5:59

was beside myself, We

6:02

rented a place overlooking the massive

6:05

river,

6:06

ate poutine, stood at

6:08

the edge of a huge thundering waterfall.

6:11

explored the northern hemisphere's most

6:13

southerly fjord, ventured

6:16

into a half billion year old

6:18

meteorite impact crater and on

6:21

and on, it was glorious,

6:24

so good for the soul.

6:26

At one point, I commiserated with my brother-in-law

6:29

about teenager woes. and he said

6:31

that his daughter, only a few years older

6:33

than mine, hadn't spoken with him

6:35

in two months,

6:37

not a single word,

6:39

That scared the crap out of me.

6:42

So the day comes that we all decide

6:44

to pile in the car and go whale watching.

6:47

and Jenny refuses to go just

6:49

as we're ready to drive away. We've

6:52

come three thousand miles

6:54

and you just want to sit inside and stare

6:57

at a screen. You've got to

6:59

be kidding me, I said angrily. Are

7:01

you trying to ruin everyone's vacation?

7:04

I threw in just for good measure.

7:07

instantly

7:07

regretting it.

7:09

Fortunately, my wife stepped in

7:11

calmly and convinced her to come.

7:15

My

7:15

heart was heavy.

7:17

After enduring that somber

7:19

drive, we finally arrived at a small

7:22

village situated rough where the St.

7:24

Lawrence River opens into the Atlantic

7:26

Ocean. We

7:27

opted for a zodiac where you're close

7:29

to the water and actually have to suit up and foul

7:32

weather gear to keep dry.

7:34

Seven of us, kids and adults, climbed

7:36

aboard and sped away for encounters

7:39

unknown.

7:40

It

7:42

is awesome, magical.

7:45

We see whales in the distance through the

7:48

mist. Then

7:50

a large pot of beluga just a

7:52

hundred yards away.

7:54

Then,

7:55

not ten feet off the port side

7:57

of the boat, I notice a ring of bubbles

7:59

begin to rise out of the water.

8:02

My heart starts to race.

8:04

I

8:05

can barely speak. Finally,

8:08

I say, look look look just

8:12

then a massive humpback

8:15

whale with her cavernous moa.

8:18

wide open rises from the

8:20

water right in front of us,

8:23

scooping up thousands of krill before

8:25

rolling slowly onto her side

8:28

and disappearing into the blue black.

8:32

It is unbelievable. an

8:35

intense, emotional, deeply

8:38

affecting experience.

8:40

I

8:42

look back to see everyone's reaction and

8:44

my eyes pause on Jenny, her

8:47

face peering out of the tightly drawn

8:49

hood of her parka.

8:52

I don't know how.

8:54

I

8:54

don't know why, but in

8:56

that moment, I am instantly catapulted

8:59

a decade into the past.

9:02

Against all logic and reason,

9:04

I

9:04

am looking at the face of my precious

9:07

little three year old beaming with

9:09

wonder and pure delight.

9:13

As I gaze at her face, I

9:16

am completely overcome with emotion

9:18

a paralyzing mix of

9:20

fear, joy, bewilderment,

9:23

and love. I

9:26

am having an utterly terrifying

9:28

and exquisitely beautiful break from

9:30

reality. There

9:33

she is. my little girl.

9:35

I

9:38

turn away and weep into

9:40

the sea. Realizing

9:42

that she's been with me all along.

9:45

Thank you.

9:59

That was John O'Bere.

10:00

John O'Bere is a professor of geography

10:03

and environmental sciences at American

10:05

River College in Sacramento, California. He

10:08

is also a seasoned storyteller and has taken

10:10

the stage at numerous moth story slams

10:12

and has been a featured storyteller for

10:14

capital storytelling, six feet apart productions,

10:17

and artists standing strong together.

10:20

Okay. Before we continue with

10:22

today's episode, a couple of reminders.

10:25

We have shows coming up in New York,

10:27

Vancouver, Western Massachusetts, Atlanta,

10:30

and more this October. You can

10:32

check out story clutter dot orgshows for

10:34

tickets and more information. And

10:37

if you'd like to learn more about how to tell science

10:39

story, check out story clutter dot org

10:41

slash education. We offer

10:43

private workshops both online and in person

10:46

for groups, and we offer public courses for

10:48

individuals online as well. Also,

10:50

for more updates and cool behind the

10:52

story pictures and other awesome content, you

10:54

should totally follow us on social media.

10:57

We're on Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, and

10:59

TikTok, find us at story

11:01

collider. And finally,

11:04

if you're a fan of this podcast, and if you,

11:06

like us, believe in the power these stories have

11:08

to reveal the humanity behind science,

11:10

to change our understanding of how science happens

11:12

and who it belongs to, please consider

11:14

donating to the story clutter at story clutter

11:16

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11:23

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11:25

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11:28

as well as occasional bonus episodes and

11:30

other gifts. We're so grateful

11:32

to everyone who helps make our work possible.

11:38

Our

11:38

second story is from Sarah Luquini, It

11:40

was performed at a sponsored show for the Scenic

11:42

Institute in Winter Harbor Main in June

11:45

this year.

11:55

I've

11:55

got a forty pound pack on my back.

11:57

sweaty shoulder straps digging in,

11:59

and

11:59

freezing cold water rushing through my

12:02

rocks as I step into the raging river.

12:05

I've only just begun and I'm already annoyed

12:07

with myself. Why do I choose

12:09

to spend my vacation time putting

12:11

my body through the hell of backpacking a

12:14

hundred miles through Maine's wilderness. I

12:17

could be relaxing on a beach with a

12:19

drink. That would be lovely. It

12:22

would be great if that was my idea of to

12:24

spend a vacation. But

12:26

honestly, spending a week out in

12:28

Main's Woods hiking every

12:30

day through dense forest and mountains

12:34

barely seeing any signs of human

12:36

life, not having to shower for

12:38

a week, and just living

12:40

the simplicity of eat, sleep, hike,

12:42

repeat, That's

12:43

my idea of a good time.

12:46

So

12:46

here I am heading northbound through Maine's

12:48

wilderness. And for those who don't

12:50

know, the hundred mile wilderness is a hundred

12:52

miles section of the Appalachian trail

12:55

that reaches just before the northern terminus

12:57

of Mount Catan in Baxter State Park.

13:00

It's known as the most rugged and

13:02

remote section of the a t, which stretches

13:04

from Georgia to Maine, and

13:07

is the longest section without any intersecting

13:09

town. So resupplies are

13:11

pretty tough. And

13:13

at this point in time, I'd never done any backpacking

13:16

before. Lots of hiking, but

13:18

never any backpacking. But

13:21

I figured, why not start with

13:23

the most rugged and remote section of

13:25

the ATI

13:27

do love a good challenge. And for

13:29

me, Hiking has always been my

13:31

favorite form of therapy. A

13:33

way to quiet my mind, ease

13:36

any racing thoughts to

13:38

prove to myself that I am capable

13:41

and strong. So

13:43

here I am six miles in,

13:46

ninety four miles to go, facing

13:48

my first river Ford. And

13:51

I'd also never forded a river before,

13:53

I mean, rock hop through stream shore,

13:55

but crossing a raging river with

13:58

a heavy pack on my back that's just

13:59

threatening to pull me in or

14:02

throw me sideways. I mean,

14:04

there's a good reason why everyone says unclip

14:06

your hip belt as your cross nothing, terrifying.

14:10

But I'm in it now. I

14:12

step forward slowly into

14:14

the water, not taking a single step for

14:17

granted, easing

14:19

forward, trying to navigate with

14:21

my feet any possible dips or

14:23

holes. I can't

14:25

slip and fall in. I can't. If

14:27

I do, if I do fall in, my

14:30

gear will get soaked. And

14:32

the next seven days will be soggy,

14:34

miserable, and cold. or

14:37

maybe even worse, I'll fall in.

14:40

My gear will go flying down the rapids.

14:42

I'll lose my ten, my fourteen

14:44

pound food bag all my gear, I'll

14:47

have to chase through the rapids to

14:49

collect every last bit of gear so

14:51

as to not leave a trace. and also

14:53

survive the next seven days as I

14:55

hope to do. So

14:58

I ease forward slowly.

15:00

The water

15:02

already, even just a few steps in,

15:04

is deep and crashing around me,

15:07

already starting to throw my body side

15:09

to side.

15:12

And I step forward and without looking

15:14

up, I can feel the protective shadow

15:16

of the tree canopy above me fall

15:18

away and a blast of son hits

15:20

my shoulders. It's

15:23

so hot. But I

15:25

realize in this moment, I've never been

15:27

so focused so present on

15:29

everything that's going on around me.

15:31

It's like everything I'm seeing and

15:33

feeling in this moment, the water,

15:35

the crashing rapids, the sun, that's

15:38

all I'm focusing on. There's

15:40

no thoughts of impending deadlines

15:43

or work schedules or how my

15:45

tone in that one email two

15:47

years ago was probably weird or

15:50

that awkward thing I said at a party last

15:52

week, my mind is present

15:54

in this moment. and

15:57

I ease forward slowly

16:00

carefully.

16:04

And

16:04

then I'm just feeling this

16:06

sun. I mean, being present in this moment

16:08

means that all I can focus on is this

16:10

heat, this sweltering heat. September

16:13

in Maine and it is so hot. And

16:16

already, I'm starting to crave

16:18

a slight comfort of home. chocolate

16:21

ice cream. That's what I want.

16:23

I mean, I know that six miles on trail

16:25

is too soon for hiker hunger to step

16:27

in, but I am really craving this

16:30

chocolate ice cream.

16:32

Just digging into the carton spooning

16:35

around the edges where it's already melted

16:37

and smooth. That's

16:39

what I'd kill for. And you know when

16:41

you're craving something so intensely, you

16:43

can basically taste it. In

16:45

this moment, I can taste the chocolate ice

16:47

cream. And

16:49

then for the first time

16:51

since I've been on trail, my

16:54

mind is suddenly transported out

16:56

of this moment away from the

16:59

river, from the rapids, from the

17:01

threat of falling in, losing

17:03

my gear, or not making it across. And

17:06

suddenly, I'm back on my parents'

17:08

couch with Alison, my big

17:10

sister. There's a mushy

17:12

carton of chocolate ice cream that sits between

17:15

us and Alison's digging in,

17:17

licking the spoon, and laughing. Alison,

17:20

my big sister who always shamelessly

17:22

ignored her lactose intolerance, usually

17:25

to the dismay of those around her naturally.

17:29

And behind us from my dad's speakers,

17:32

all out of love by air supply is

17:34

playing loudly and we're singing that

17:37

ugly, cringey kind of singing where you

17:39

know you sound awful, but you just

17:41

don't care.

17:43

And I'm standing

17:45

in the water, in the rapids

17:47

crashing around me. but

17:50

I can hear air supply and

17:52

I realized it's me. I'm singing.

17:56

I'm all out of love. I'm

17:58

so lost with thou too.

18:01

And I start

18:02

to laugh at the hilarity of

18:04

a song that truly does not fit the

18:06

moment. I mean, If

18:08

this was a movie, it would be the perfect

18:10

song at the perfect moment. It

18:12

would be a beautiful song to score

18:15

this beautiful scene It would

18:17

not be air supply.

18:20

One more step forward, still singing,

18:23

one more ridiculous verse.

18:25

and the water

18:28

is rising now. I look

18:30

below me and it's black, deep

18:32

water, dark, and foreboding. and

18:35

it's crashing around me, throwing my

18:37

body side to side, and I have to

18:39

stand tall to keep the bottom

18:41

of my pack from getting saturated and

18:43

wet, but still maintaining my balance.

18:47

But I can still see Alison smile

18:50

I can see the little twinkle in her eye

18:52

when she'd roll her eyes at me as I

18:54

remind her, you know you're

18:57

very lactose intolerant.

18:58

So

19:00

I take another step forward

19:04

easing slowly still. Still

19:06

trying to anticipate any sudden

19:08

holes or dips with my feet.

19:10

And

19:13

I'm focused on the water crashing around

19:15

me, but In my mind,

19:17

scenes from my parents couch are playing

19:20

on a loop. I can't

19:22

seem to get the taste of chocolate ice cream

19:24

off my tongue or the look of Glee on Allison's

19:27

face out of my head. So

19:30

I take another step forward.

19:33

and I realized the water

19:35

is moving a little slower now.

19:38

I'm no longer being thrown side

19:41

to side. My legs

19:43

are wet but exposed to the sun,

19:46

and I look and I can see the

19:48

shore, the other bank ahead of me.

19:52

so close within reach.

19:56

I looked down and the water once

19:58

black and dark now is clear and

20:00

I can see the bottom. The

20:03

rocks under my feet feel small,

20:06

smoother, fewer jagged edges.

20:09

and the water is moving slower.

20:11

I take

20:13

another step forward and I'm

20:15

still hearing Allison's laugh.

20:21

One more step and the

20:23

water is easily lapping against

20:25

the bank ahead of me.

20:27

I'm so close. Am I actually

20:30

gonna make it across?

20:34

I take one more step and

20:37

I'm out of the river

20:38

and I

20:40

turn and I look at the rapids now

20:43

behind me and I

20:45

can still see Alison smile.

20:48

And

20:51

in that moment, I miss her.

20:54

al

20:56

fin

20:58

died by suicide when she was twenty

21:00

four after a long battle with

21:02

major depression.

21:04

And,

21:06

you know, everyone says

21:08

that grief comes in waves. Well,

21:11

I think it comes in crashing river

21:13

rapids.

21:14

Six

21:18

days later after that first

21:20

river Ford, and after many

21:22

many other river forwards, many

21:25

ramen bombs, and bear hangs,

21:27

and many, many miles, I

21:30

crossed Abel Bridge in Baxter State

21:32

Park, successfully completing the

21:34

hundred mile wilderness, my first

21:36

section hike of the Appalachian Trail.

21:40

And staring up at Mt. Khitan

21:42

in front of me, Allison wasn't

21:45

with me to celebrate, but

21:47

I did get the last of the chocolate ice cream

21:50

at the campground store, so I

21:52

think maybe she had little something to do

21:54

with that. Thank you.

22:08

That was Sarah Luquini. Sarah is a

22:10

marketing specialist at Scenic Institute

22:13

at Acadian National Park. Before

22:15

that, she was a graphic designer. And

22:17

in her free time, Sarah enjoys being

22:19

out on the trails hiking and biking

22:22

or paddle boarding at home with her cat,

22:24

Murray. And just in case you were wondering,

22:26

yes, Murray o is wears a life vest.

22:29

The story clutter is so grateful to John and

22:31

Sarah for sharing their stories with us. The

22:33

story clutter is also very grateful for

22:35

the support of Science Sandbox. the

22:38

Simon's Foundation Initiative dedicated to

22:40

engaging everyone with the process of science.

22:43

This podcast is produced by Aaron Barker,

22:45

Executive Director and Co Founder of the story

22:48

clutter, along with me managing

22:50

producer, Misha Gayesky, and senior

22:52

podcast editor, Jen Chen, and

22:54

with help from education director,

22:56

Lilybee. Special

22:57

thanks goes out to StoryClider's board

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and the rest of our staff, including Managing

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Director, Anne Marie Lonsdale science

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advisory fellow, Edith Gonzalez, and

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operations manager, Lindsey Cooper, without

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whom none of this would be possible.

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The stories featured in today's episode were

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from shows produced by Arie Daniel and

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Nissa Greenberg and Devin Cajas respectively.

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Our theme music is by ghost, and

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next week we'll be back with stories about blending

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in. Until then, thanks for

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listening.