Hey, I’m Kurt Sanders, and welcome to another epis

She gave me her number.And I called.“Ben, you need to get on Bumble,” my Manager said.I got a match.And I asked if we could speak on the phone.“Sure.”I called - and she declined it.And replied with, “Sup?”Call me old school, but I prefer voice over text.The truth is I tried all the dating apps.And they all failed me.It’s a best-selfie contest.With people advertising their Instagram and Snapchat.I don’t care if you can make the best duck face.Or own the cutest dog.I’ve realized these apps objectify men and women.I care about you as a person.Especially, your values.And selfies don’t translate to values.I may not be as active as some of my peers on these dating apps.But I’m sticking to my guns and building authentic relationships.I may have fewer dates.But at least don’t meet people off a few texts.If you’re doing anything important with your life -Your time is worth way more than that.As an entrepreneur, I know better.I don’t settle for what’s there.I chase what could be.

So that was a real LinkedIn post posted by a real human. I think. Look, I shouldn’t bag people out, Unfound Fears is a safe space. But that LinkedIn post, if you care, had an insane amount of positive comments and thousands upon thousands of that mystical currency with more value than Bitcoin right now, something known as likes. Yes, I gagged a little at these wise words. But on the whole they are adored, cheered and even aspired to. And I get it. Emotional content evokes in most of us a response. But these long, winding roads of keyboard wisdom bring something else with them. A face behind the words. A 40 Under 40 recipient, a serial business owner who you just know would have the word “hustle” tattooed to their fingers if only it contained 5 letters, one for each finger. Someone who has contributed to Forbes Magazine, Time Magazine, Huffington Post, NPR, Adweek, WeakAds, Woman’s Day, Beige Knitting Patterns Quarterly, you get the picture..

We see all these things and we react, be it with envy, jealousy, a snicker or boredom. Some worship at the altar of it.

In episode 1 I asked you guys to send in the thing you fear the most, but only using eight words to do it. I got some brilliant answers, some similar to my own and some that, well, may not be suitable to mention in this podcast. Let’s just say there are certain places you shouldn’t put a toy car. And thank you to ladies[email protected] for sending that one in. Trolls are a vital part of the internet and I endorse them wholeheartedly.

But one in particular came from Carlie, who got in touch and shared a fear that is, for most people, fundamental in our decision making around taking risks, happiness and fulfillment. I’m going to use more than eight words to say it but Carlie’s fear was this:

What if i take a risk and the grass isn’t greener?

OK, that was totally too dramatic, but it’s so goddamn true. For so many of us it’s a killer. What if I go broke? What if I lose something precious to me? What if I fail so badly that my entire life falls apart? What if, what if, what if.

But it did get me thinking. What is it about the grass being greener that we’re so attached to? Is it as simple as suggesting things might be marginally worse or is it that things could get a lot worse? What is the level of greenness we’re willing to accept? How do we even judge the greenness of the grass? Why do we even care and what drives this fear?

So I started digging. It turns out the original fat man himself, Buddha, had a red-hot take on this that has probably graced a million Pinterest boards throughout history. Buddha, in between bites of a huge bowl of roghan josh no doubt, said that the key to happiness was pretty simple: learn to want what you have and not want what you don’t have.

Thanks Obama, I mean Buddha. Helpful stuff.

But does that really help us here at Unfound Fears? We’re not here to settle, we’re here to take the leap and show fear who’s boss. Well, in a way, Buddha’s probably right. But maybe, the interpretation should be more about the process of learning to want what you have while you go about having it.

Time for some science.

Jennifer Kunst, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist and psychoanalyst, who works with adults and couples in her practice in Pasadena, California.

She says the troubles in life come when we believe the myth that the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.  We are taken over by envy, believing that other people have the good stuff and then feeling depressed, anxious, and persecuted by the belief that we have so little.

Now I’m pretty sure Carlie wasn’t thinking this way when she said what she feared most was the grass not being greener. Her fears weren’t envious or jealous in nature. They are about risk and balancing that with the life she has now. But what Dr Kunst says is poignant for her situation and for pretty much anybody anywhere that has ever taken a leap (or the small steps) towards doing something that will make them truly happy, despite the risk, fears and stress that come with it.

She says the reason this “grass is greener” attitude undermines us is that it leads us to turn away from the main task of life, which is to make the most of what we have. She says by denying the goodness of our very own lives, we believe we have nothing good to work with nor the capacity to work with it.  We lose focus, self-confidence, and hope.

But therein lies the key. She says when we accept our lives for what they are, the research suggests we’re more likely to develop, be better and grow.

Carly, there’s probably a million cliches out there that say this way better than I ever will, but here I go. Maybe it’s not about wondering if the grass will be greener on the other side but more about accepting that there isn’t really a fence at all. There may be some weeds wherever you stand. You can pull them out, mow over them, plant new grass, plant some flowers, add some garden furniture, spruce the joint up a bit. A cyclone may come and blow it all away or a cruel neighbour may come along and salt the earth because you borrowed their hedge trimmer and thanks a lot Roger I was going to bring it back there goes your invite to the street Christmas party. Ahem, excuse me. Anyway you get the point.

And it all brings me back to the end of that reeeeally long LinkedIn post I quoted before:

Your time is worth way more than that.As an entrepreneur, I know better.I don’t settle for what’s there.I chase what could be.

You don’t have to chase what could be, but you do get to grow the grass the way you want to.

Thanks for letting me have a rant episode today. Our normal programming will resume next week (hopefully you come back!)