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Clink!

1:29

We

1:31

used to be afraid of the end of the world. We

1:34

braced ourselves, hiding under desks

1:37

or in bunkers, thinking it

1:39

would all happen at once. Nuclear

1:42

catastrophe, cataclysmic

1:44

disease, a robot uprising.

1:48

But this isn't the way the world ended. Apocalypse

1:52

came with a mumble and a groan,

1:54

a

1:55

series of tiny accidents and bad decisions

1:58

and willful calumny.

2:01

Until one day, society

2:03

was a relic of the past, and the

2:05

future was left to the monsters.

2:20

I would absolutely kill for some candy

2:23

right now. Dude, don't! You

2:26

know what the world is like. Say things like

2:28

that or else someone will take you seriously. Seriously?

2:31

Someone will overhear me and think that I will literally slaughter

2:34

someone for a jelly bear? I've

2:36

heard of people doing worse. Worse

2:39

than someone literally murdering another person for

2:41

a baby man's? Okay, I mean,

2:43

not actually that specific example, but yeah,

2:45

people acting whackadilly for like basic

2:48

supplies. Basic supplies? Like

2:51

chocky nuts? Stop. Okay,

2:54

stop changing the kind of candy

2:56

every time you mention candy. Just

2:58

trying to make my point. There is. I

3:00

want candy too.

3:02

We all want candy. But there's probably

3:04

no more candy. There's probably no more caviar.

3:06

There's no more fancy mustard. There's only

3:08

dog food. Mostly. Hey,

3:13

were you super rich before all this? I

3:15

was super rich. Yeah,

3:17

I had a room devoted solely to candy.

3:20

Oh, makes sense. And nothing about it made sense.

3:22

I was so rich that I could do things because

3:24

they were absurd. And people were like, that

3:26

dude is a nutnut. But I guess

3:28

he earned his money.

3:30

Did you earn your money? I inherited

3:33

it. So

3:35

yeah, I had to live with my dad. Dads,

3:39

right? Complicated. Glad

3:41

most of them are gone now. You

3:45

wouldn't believe how much I feel the same. But

3:48

anyway, I didn't mean the room devoted to candy made sense.

3:51

I meant, oh, okay. Remember

3:53

just after we met escaping that desert cult

3:56

and we bivouacked in that burned out library?

3:58

Which burned out library? Yes, of

4:01

course, Darius, I remember. OK,

4:04

Testy. When I

4:06

took watch that night, I found some Sogyo

4:08

magazines that had dried out.

4:10

So they weren't soggy anymore. Not

4:13

really, but you know how they get that texture

4:16

after they get wet and get dry? Anyway,

4:18

there was this article in the

4:20

Utney Reader. Just to be clear,

4:23

you were reading an article when you were supposed to

4:25

be keeping watch. I can do both. I

4:28

don't read with my ears. And

4:33

you're still alive, so.

4:37

Fair enough. Anyway, in

4:39

this article, it said that the 30s are the new

4:41

20s. I'm only 20 now. Yeah,

4:44

and remember how much we loved candy when we were 10? Yeah.

4:47

So do the math. If our 30s

4:49

are the new 20s and we're only 20 now, then of course

4:52

we love candy like we did when we were 10.

4:54

We're basically the new 10.

4:56

OK, you know what's whack attack? I

4:58

feel like I like candy twice

5:01

as much as I did when I was 10 the first

5:03

time. I know. I would absolutely kill for some

5:05

candy right now.

5:07

Dude, hey, wait. Is

5:10

there someone over there?

5:13

Yeah, man, it's a stranger. Sometimes

5:17

strangers have candy. That

5:23

is a really good point. Wave

5:27

him over. You wave him over. Your hands

5:29

are bigger. Yeah, it's because I haven't whittled them

5:31

down by work. And I'm not about to

5:33

start now. So you wave him over.

5:36

Fine. Hey, hey, you

5:38

guy. Are

5:40

you interested in meeting two 10-year-old 20-somethings

5:43

who are interested in candy?

5:47

I'm really taking his time, isn't he? Is

5:50

he saying something? Is it about

5:52

the candy? Oh,

5:56

that explains it. He's one of them.

6:01

This is our apocalypse. A

6:04

series of mishaps. A slow

6:06

motion global derailment which led

6:08

to their ascendency.

6:10

Call them amblers. Sicklies.

6:13

The awakened, bitey boys. Or

6:18

just call them what they are. He's

6:21

a zombie. Which

6:24

probably means he doesn't have any candy. It

6:28

means we're the candy to him. Should

6:30

we wait till he gets closer to run away?

6:35

To make it more exciting, I feel

6:37

like that's what the 10 year old in me would do. But

6:41

the problem is that the 21, the 20 year old, 10 year

6:43

old me, doesn't

6:45

have the knees that the 10 year old me used to

6:47

have. And he's already pretty close.

6:52

Our new world is a world of

6:54

shambling monsters. It is

6:56

a world of sloppy judgment and

6:58

diffuse morals. But from

7:00

the cinders of this obliterated

7:02

civilization has risen a hero. A

7:07

perfect embodiment of one nation's

7:09

last hope. A being of

7:12

sublime physicality. Of

7:14

acute

7:15

responsiveness. Of

7:17

consummate talents and of sartorial

7:20

splendor. She is!

7:27

Miss America!

7:44

You ding-a-lings trying to make

7:46

yourself into a hot lunch. It's 3.15

7:49

so... Alright,

7:52

an afternoon tea then. Didn't

7:55

they teach you bozos in clown college not

7:57

to beckon a zombie to you? Oh, my

7:59

college? which it's in New Haven,

8:03

was overrun by zombies before I could

8:05

take the class, talk to the class about

8:07

getting learning about all the zombie do's and don'ts. Just

8:10

say you went to Yale, we don't know what you mean. Well

8:14

hey, if you all know what I mean, then I don't have to say it,

8:16

do I?

8:16

You're lucky I was passing through, kids.

8:19

We're the same age as you. Yeah,

8:22

you shouldn't be out here without protection. It's

8:24

getting dark. Yeah, again, it's 315, so... We

8:28

are lucky and grateful you came through, Miss America.

8:31

Thank you. I'm Darius, and this is Colin. Hey.

8:33

You two been traveling together long? Yeah,

8:36

long enough. Uh,

8:38

what's that mean? Only what I said, long

8:40

enough. Long enough for what? Hey,

8:43

Super Bloopers! Do you need me here

8:45

for this conversation? Sorry,

8:48

to be honest, I'm a little shook. Yeah, zombies

8:50

will do that to a person. No, it's not that.

8:53

I mean, it is that. I thought

8:55

that zombie was just a stranger with candy, that's why

8:57

I called him over.

8:58

To him? You're the candy. That's

9:01

exactly what I said! I said that! Yeah,

9:03

and to think, I've never even been to New

9:05

Haven. I

9:12

just mean that I'm surprised and lucky

9:15

and grateful to meet you. We always

9:17

thought that this whole Miss America traversing the whole country

9:19

after escaping her corporate stewards, and

9:22

killing the undead, and fighting for a better tomorrow, was the stuff

9:24

of myth. Like Bigfoot, or a non-problematic

9:27

rich person.

9:27

Hey! After

9:31

the first fall, when we were all eating cockroaches and butterflies,

9:34

what did you have on your dinner table? Tiger.

9:39

Okay, look, none of that matters anymore. Well,

9:43

I'd like to think it matters a little bit. Yeah, I'm sure

9:45

you do. If you could be out

9:47

here walking around in a natty suit,

9:50

wearing a sky-high top hat, and carrying

9:52

around sacks with dollar signs, you think the

9:54

zombies care!

9:57

No? Dang right no.

10:00

The zombies don't give a liquid simoleon

10:02

who anyone used to be. Only

10:04

what you're gonna be. You keep making

10:07

balloon animals, stomping around

10:09

in oversized shoes, and getting comically sprayed

10:11

by elephants out here.

10:14

Because we're clowns. Yeah, if

10:17

the big red nose fits. Now

10:19

get somewhere safe before the sun goes down, okay?

10:22

You're both driving me crackers. Well,

10:25

wait, Miss America, where are you going? Do

10:27

you see me traveling this wasteland with

10:29

my suitcases and hat box, pal? No,

10:32

just your evening dress and sash. And tiara.

10:35

All of those are functional. I

10:39

don't trek with baggage. Oh

10:41

yeah, I didn't. I wasn't. I can

10:43

see I hurt your feelings. No,

10:46

no, I'm cool. It's

10:49

cool. You

10:52

don't seem cool. Hey, I didn't

10:54

get to be Miss America just based on my looks.

10:57

I see your fear. Part of that

10:59

is the ocular implants that my sponsors

11:01

installed. But part

11:04

of it is the same reason I shined in my interview

11:06

segment.

11:08

I know people. My vision for social

11:10

impact included arming the populace.

11:14

That seems dangerous. With knowledge! Darius!

11:19

Forewarned is forearmed and my forearm

11:22

is bulging with the supinator

11:25

of how to keep yourself alive. Do you know how to

11:27

kill a zombie, Darius? Of course,

11:28

shoot them in the head. Okay, that's an easy

11:31

one since you just saw me do it. Oh, you

11:33

could set them on fire. Sure could. They'll

11:36

reel around a bit, sputtering the last of

11:38

their undead breath, but that'll do them in eventually.

11:41

You got matches?

11:41

At home. Okay, that's not so

11:43

helpful out here, is it? You

11:46

got off its head, right? That's sort of an extension of the

11:48

headshot I just mentioned, but a different category,

11:50

I think. Yeah, yeah, you could decap

11:52

them. It's close, gory work, but

11:54

it's effective. Do you have the steel for that? We've

11:57

lasted this long. No, I mean,

11:59

are you packing? I'm not talking anything that can decap

12:01

a zebra. You are so embarrassing, Colin.

12:07

Here, take this with you. It's just

12:09

a long-throated pruning saw, but

12:12

it'll help you if you get into a fix.

12:14

Thanks, Miss America. Yeah,

12:16

thanks, Miss America. Holy

12:18

aioli, dearest, drool much.

12:21

The drooling is because

12:24

I was thinking about

12:26

candy. The only candy here

12:28

is survival, boys. You'll

12:31

do well to remember that.

12:32

We will, Miss America. We absolutely

12:35

will. Hey, who's that over

12:37

there? Grievous mice, it's a stranger. Hey,

12:40

stranger, come over here. You got any candy? I

12:42

bet she is candy. You muttonchaps!

12:46

I know it's hellish out here, but you can't give in to bleak

12:48

despondency. Don't invite death

12:50

to

12:50

your party. It's

12:52

him, not me. Do you think

12:54

that guy does have candy? Zobs

12:57

don't carry candy! They

13:01

don't carry medical kits. They

13:03

don't carry the souls that they had

13:05

before the infection overtook them and

13:07

turned them into shuffling flesh gourmands.

13:13

Hey, you know, maybe cool your jets a little. This

13:16

one doesn't seem so hungry. That is worse!

13:19

It still wants to gnaw on you, but it doesn't

13:21

want to completely devour you. Okay,

13:23

that honestly doesn't sound worse. Devouring

13:26

sounds worse. There's no coming back from

13:28

being devoured. Yeah, there's no coming back from

13:30

being bitten either. I'm sorry, the messaging

13:32

on this has been really unclear. Yeah,

13:35

especially since all the communication towers

13:37

were sabotaged by conspiracy zealots and

13:40

it became unsafe to congregate in

13:42

groups larger than six. I mean, you're

13:44

a trusted source, so we're going to believe you. You're

13:47

Miss America. So what

13:49

happens when we get bit?

13:51

Don't say when. Say if. If.

13:54

Not at the... Okay. If

13:57

you get bit by an early riser, you become

13:59

one of them. Oh, yeah, I heard

14:01

that. I heard that in college. Yeah,

14:04

and you still hollered him over? Yeah,

14:06

candy was on the table. The only thing

14:08

on the table is you, smart brain.

14:12

Now use any sense the Lord gave

14:14

you and the long-throated pruning

14:16

saw that I gave you and

14:19

fight for your future.

14:20

I'm on it. Ah!

14:23

Eeps, it took my saw. It

14:27

is side plots like this that keep

14:29

me from reaching out last underground, who

14:32

got communication to me that they have an important

14:34

mission, that only I can... Ha!

14:37

Ah!

14:38

Oh, it bit me. Okay.

14:40

Ah, but it's not eating me. All

14:43

right, just like you said what happened. And now it's

14:45

straggling away, seemingly satisfied, so...

14:49

Oh!

14:49

And now I'm satisfied. Okay,

14:51

you... Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!

14:54

Whoo! Whoo! You

14:57

did not need to shoot that zombie. It wasn't

14:59

hurting anyone. Wow. It's like

15:01

the empathy for their hour

15:04

kind is the first thing to kick in. I

15:09

tried to warn you, kids. What? Do

15:11

you want your saw back? Keep it! You're

15:14

gonna need it to deal with your friend here. We

15:18

were just survival friends. We

15:22

weren't traveling together that

15:24

long, actually. Long

15:28

enough. Long enough for what?

15:33

To know that... You'll

15:35

take care of me when I turn. Yeah. Yeah,

15:38

I will.

15:38

You're a good man, good man. Miss America,

15:40

Miss America, before you go... God,

15:47

don't, man. I was just... Miss America,

15:49

I was just thinking that maybe... You're being

15:51

very embarrassing. Miss America, maybe if you're

15:53

passing through again, we could... I'm

15:56

gonna bite you so hard. We could

15:58

grab a drink or a coffee.

15:59

If you just maybe take a walk together?

16:02

You're a good kid, Darius. I really

16:04

think I'm older than you. Yeah. But

16:08

I walk alone. It's

16:10

how it has to be. It's the way

16:12

I survive the garbage tornado

16:14

that is our present. It's

16:17

how I hack through the nightmare foliage

16:19

of our world to someday

16:22

knock together a better tomorrow.

16:25

Thank you, Miss America. You're welcome,

16:27

kid. Whoo!

16:31

Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Thank

16:40

you, Miss America. You are

16:42

crushing so hard. Well,

16:44

I think she was kinda, you know. She

16:47

wasn't. Oh, God. It's

16:51

starting. I

16:54

have the pruning saw, Colin. Soon as I see the

16:57

light, leave your eyes. Darius.

17:02

There, Darius. Come closer. Definitely no.

17:07

I just wanna tell you. What?

17:10

What? What is it? I

17:14

went to New Haven Community College. Tell

17:19

them. Tell everyone. Whoo!

17:37

No one cares, Colin. No

17:41

one cares except for her. She's

17:44

our only hope. Whoo!

17:50

But even a spark of hope can

17:52

start an inferno of promise.

17:55

And that promise is a torch wielded

17:57

by the one woman empowered

17:59

to.

17:59

lead a woman skilled for service,

18:02

style, scholarship, and

18:05

success. Our nation

18:07

turns its frightened eyes to

18:09

her for the future. She

18:12

is Miss America.