0:00

Welcome , welcome , welcome . This is Dr Eman

0:02

Kaur , and each week we will bring you an

0:04

important message as we explore

0:06

how to detox toxic

0:08

relationships . The aim of this podcast

0:11

is for you to unlock your own

0:13

inner , knowing your own inner

0:15

greatness , so you can know how

0:17

to heal from the impact of a toxic

0:20

relationship , so you can get your life

0:22

back on track and live your

0:24

best life . After all , we

0:26

are all worthy of loving our life

0:28

. How are

0:30

we going to make the most of 2024

0:34

after

0:40

being in a toxic relationship

0:42

? I'm hoping this is

0:44

going to be your year . This is going

0:46

to be your year , so happy new

0:49

year . What we're going to do today

0:51

is I want you to get

0:54

your journal and we're going to be looking

0:56

and reflecting on your

0:58

past so that we can make this

1:00

your best year . Yet

1:02

Don't give up just because

1:04

you've been in a toxic relationship

1:06

. I'm super happy to be doing

1:08

this with you because I love reflecting

1:11

. I really enjoy reflecting

1:14

so that we can get clarity

1:16

on what to do moving forward . I

1:19

actually tend to do this once a month and

1:21

it's something if you're finding you're

1:24

not sure about what to do next and

1:26

that happens a lot when we've been in

1:28

narcissistic relationships or

1:30

toxic relationships . It's

1:32

really important to actually take

1:34

some time out and look at

1:37

where have you come from

1:39

, what have you been doing and

1:41

how far you've come and

1:44

what you want moving forward . So

1:46

what we're going to do is

1:49

we're going to reflect back on your

1:51

past 12 months so

1:54

that you can get clarity

1:56

about what you want in

1:58

your coming year Before

2:01

we go ahead . I just really

2:04

, deep down inside , really

2:06

want to say thank you so much for

2:09

all your support . I really

2:11

couldn't be doing what I'm doing today

2:13

if it wasn't for your support

2:16

, for you listening . All

2:18

I need you to do is subscribe

2:21

or share

2:23

this with someone so that more people can

2:25

actually find this information

2:28

, so we as a community

2:30

can help heal from

2:32

toxic relationships . We need

2:35

a community . There's so many

2:37

toxic people out there that

2:40

actually , in some instances , it

2:42

is actually part of a culture . Sometimes

2:45

you go into companies and there's a

2:47

toxic culture there . In order

2:49

to heal , we , too , need to be

2:51

a community of healers . So

2:54

please click , subscribe or

2:58

share this with somebody so we can support

3:00

more people as a community

3:03

, so that there's more healing

3:05

. So let's dive in

3:07

. I really can't wait to

3:09

share this because , as I said

3:11

, I love reflecting . The

3:14

questions that I ask myself

3:16

is exactly what I'm going to be looking

3:18

at , asking you . It's

3:21

a ritual that I think is . Sometimes

3:24

it's so powerful to

3:27

actually just take some time out

3:29

, and I think that's the beautiful

3:31

thing about a new year it

3:33

actually gives us hope for a new

3:35

start , that we're going to do something

3:37

different , moving forward , and

3:39

it's helped me so much

3:42

during the most difficult times

3:44

and you and I know there

3:46

have been a lot of difficult times

3:48

, especially when

3:50

we've been in toxic relationships

3:52

. They're not just

3:55

your average difficult times , they're

3:57

on another level , dealing with people

4:00

that are constantly lying

4:02

, conning . You just

4:04

can't get any truth out of them , and

4:07

it can be so difficult

4:10

because we lose our own

4:12

center . We lose our own self

4:14

, because we can go down the

4:16

road of trying to defend ourself

4:18

or explain ourself , or

4:20

explain that they're lying , and

4:22

it just takes us on a different path . So

4:25

it's so important to really slow

4:28

down completely and

4:31

make sense of what can't

4:33

be made sense of only

4:36

through connecting back to yourself

4:38

. So these are really

4:41

simple questions and

4:43

hopefully they'll really help you , and sometimes

4:46

the best thing we can do is actually

4:48

just go through our photos or

4:50

our messages . Photos

4:53

are a great way of looking back

4:55

at everything that you've achieved Maybe

4:58

some messages and

5:00

really look at , okay , what is it that you've

5:02

already been through , so

5:04

that you can then connect back to

5:06

yourself . Also

5:09

, look at your social media . Social

5:13

media is such

5:15

an amazing tool for

5:17

narcissists because they can

5:20

do all sorts of stuff

5:22

, but actually social media

5:24

is becoming the narcissist or the

5:26

toxic person's worst nightmare . We

5:28

can see all over Netflix or

5:31

other things as well how so

5:34

many people who are psychopaths

5:36

or narcissists get caught out over

5:38

and over again , and it's really

5:41

, really important . I

5:43

would say the most important thing is

5:45

to actually connect back

5:48

to you , your

5:50

guidance system that can guide you

5:52

on your next best

5:55

step , and that's what we're gonna do

5:57

. So what

6:00

we wanna do is really

6:02

look at okay , what is it that

6:05

you've achieved so far ? Have you

6:07

struggled with over

6:10

the last year ? You know

6:12

what were your biggest difficulties

6:15

. I

6:17

know there's gonna be a lot of things

6:20

that you've been through that you've

6:23

really struggled with , but don't go into too

6:25

much detail . But the overall

6:27

feelings

6:29

is it confusion that you've really struggled

6:32

with ? Is it rumination

6:34

? Just take the time to think

6:36

about what it

6:39

is that you really want

6:41

to move forward , but

6:43

also , what is it that you've

6:45

struggled with ? Because

6:48

actually understanding

6:50

what it is that you've struggled with , we

6:53

can actually find out what you've actually

6:55

achieved as well . So don't

6:57

worry about looking back and

6:59

actually really writing

7:03

and journaling as much

7:05

as you can about your struggles over

7:07

the last 12 months , because

7:10

it's super , super

7:12

powerful looking at

7:15

what it is that you

7:17

have actually you've

7:19

really struggled with . So

7:23

it might be that you saw

7:25

all the red flags and they

7:28

didn't make sense and you found

7:30

that you just kept going back and back

7:33

to the narcissist , over

7:35

again on the psychopath . So

7:37

what is it that you

7:39

struggled with that you wished was

7:42

different ? Maybe there

7:44

was . You know that you were like , oh , I just really

7:47

wish none of this was happening

7:49

. I

7:51

know so many people say I just

7:53

wish this person would just go away

7:55

, I just wish

7:58

this would all just stop . But

8:00

why ? Why is it such

8:02

a struggle ? I know why it is , but

8:05

why is it for you ? I've

8:07

really write it down on paper so

8:09

that you can . Then we're

8:14

gonna change it . We're gonna make this

8:16

the best year for you . So

8:19

really dive deep into this , because

8:22

the best of your years await

8:24

you . The best of your days

8:27

await you . I

8:29

know what you've been through and

8:31

in order to have something new in your life

8:33

, you have to be willing

8:36

to look at what hasn't worked and

8:38

really bring consciousness

8:40

to what is unconscious

8:42

. Some of the hardest

8:45

things that we can do is look at what's

8:49

happened . That was tough

8:51

. What's happened

8:53

that ? Where did they disrespect

8:55

you ? It's so hard

8:58

to look at that . It's so painful , but

9:01

the best years

9:03

await you ahead

9:05

of you . Some of the best

9:07

moments are gonna be ahead

9:09

of you when you will

9:11

laugh . You will have that

9:13

belly laugh where you feel so free . You

9:16

know that joy of laughing

9:18

again and feeling free . All

9:21

the friends that you're gonna meet in your life

9:23

that you haven't met yet maybe

9:26

your partner that

9:28

you haven't met yet is all gonna

9:30

come because you're gonna heal

9:32

and then you're gonna vibe

9:34

at a totally different space and

9:37

you'll meet your best partner or your

9:39

friends or the best

9:41

you're working , a better environment

9:44

. Maybe your relationships

9:46

will heal with people that you think

9:49

wait , this is too late for that

9:51

, or you could create a new

9:53

business . You might have

9:55

some hidden talents that you need

9:57

to actually get out into the world

9:59

, wherever it is . Trust

10:01

me , your best days are

10:04

yet to come . If

10:06

you can truly believe this

10:08

, no one or nothing will

10:10

stand in your way , and it's

10:12

time to feel that confidence of being

10:15

you , the true you

10:17

. That's the freedom that

10:20

I want you to really hold on to

10:22

. The version of yourself

10:24

is awaiting for you

10:26

to arrive . So

10:30

these questions that I'm asking don't

10:32

have to be in a specific order

10:34

. It's just for

10:37

you to reflect on

10:39

in the way that you

10:41

feel is right for you . So first

10:43

, what is it that you've struggled

10:46

with ? Yeah , and

10:48

really go deep in that , knowing that

10:50

you want that to never be

10:52

part of your life again . That

10:55

is the benefit of actually

10:57

going there . That is the benefit

10:59

of actually Looking

11:02

at what's not working . Is

11:04

only when we can look at what's not working

11:07

that we can fix it . It's

11:09

through actually shining

11:11

a light on what's

11:13

dark , what's hidden , that

11:16

we can actually then heal

11:18

. So

11:21

when we've been in a toxic relationship

11:24

, we might need to do this

11:26

a few times , where we do a review

11:29

every night . So if you need to do this on a

11:31

monthly basis , then come back to

11:33

this and do it every month . So

11:37

once you've done that , I want you to

11:39

really look at what have been the highlights

11:42

of your past year , and

11:44

this is where you could look at your pictures

11:46

again . You know you look

11:48

at your memories because

11:51

you might not believe

11:53

how much you have done

11:56

. You have done so

11:58

much in such a short space

12:00

of time , especially

12:03

when we've been in toxic relationships . All

12:06

we tend to do is look at what

12:08

we haven't done . You

12:11

probably have forgotten about

12:13

how much you have overcome

12:16

this year . So if you look

12:18

at some of the things you struggled

12:20

with , a lot of that you

12:22

would have overcome as well on a day

12:24

to day level . So

12:26

what you want to do is really

12:29

look at OK , what have I achieved , not

12:32

only overcoming some of the problems that I've

12:34

had to overcome by

12:36

living with or knowing this toxic

12:38

person , but actually all

12:41

the things that you've achieved on top of that . Honestly

12:44

, just think about that . On

12:47

average , people don't achieve that

12:49

much . And then when you look at what

12:52

you've achieved , as well as dealing

12:54

with a toxic person in your life , that

12:56

is incredible . So

12:59

many people describe co-parenting

13:02

with a toxic or narcissist person

13:04

like being

13:07

a single parent with

13:10

an elephant on your back . It's

13:12

not easy . It really

13:14

isn't easy . The average

13:17

parent has no

13:19

idea what it's like

13:21

to co-parent with

13:23

a toxic person . It's tough

13:25

. So , trust me , if you're

13:28

in that position , you are amazing

13:31

. You are incredible . You're one

13:33

in a million . You're an amazing parent

13:35

. You're absolutely brilliant

13:38

. Give yourself that

13:40

acknowledgement for

13:42

what you do on a day to

13:44

day basis that no one else does

13:46

. And you still get up , you still

13:48

carry on . Where how

13:50

? It's amazing how you do it . So

13:53

look back and acknowledge

13:55

not only have you carried on

13:57

, but you've achieved so much

14:00

on top of that . Ok

14:03

, so next question what

14:06

would you say have been

14:08

the hardest aspects

14:11

in your life ? Is

14:13

there some part of your life that

14:15

you really need to look at moving forward

14:17

? What , in the last 12 months , have made you

14:19

really unhappy ? Maybe

14:21

, as toxicity as a whole , you're finding

14:24

there's toxic people at work

14:26

. There's toxic people in

14:28

your personal life . Maybe

14:31

the biggest issue that you've got is

14:33

relationships . Maybe

14:35

you're finding that you're finding

14:38

it hard to

14:40

move forward . Like

14:42

I said , we need to make what is unconscious

14:46

conscious so that we can

14:48

start to change . And just

14:50

by doing this exercise

14:52

and getting real

14:54

with yourself and being really honest

14:57

, you will start to change

14:59

in 2024 . And

15:02

the real reason narcissists

15:04

stay the same is because they

15:06

are unconscious to reality . If

15:10

you try and tell them the truth or

15:12

try and get them to see the truth , they

15:14

will become more unconscious . They

15:17

will make up more lies but

15:19

they won't admit the truth . But

15:22

it's only through seeing the struggles

15:24

that we can acknowledge and highlight

15:26

what it is that

15:28

you've overcome . You have incredible

15:31

resilience strength . There's

15:34

not many people like you out there

15:36

that can function the

15:39

way you do . The

15:41

other thing I want you to really look at

15:43

is where have you been

15:46

truly authentic ? What

15:49

you've ffff , you know , fought to

15:51

be you , or

15:53

how have you started to move

15:55

in that direction where

15:57

you are being more and more authentic

16:00

? Maybe it's your commitment

16:03

to listening to this podcast , or

16:05

you found your purpose

16:07

in some way , or it's your

16:09

spiritual practice , or

16:11

maybe you're finding you're not reacting

16:13

to the narcissist triggers

16:15

as much , or you're getting trauma

16:18

therapy , or

16:20

maybe you found peace and contentment

16:24

, your finding time

16:27

to go for a walk , where there's

16:29

moments where you just

16:31

feel so present in

16:34

this moment . Maybe

16:36

you are , you

16:39

know , adding different practices

16:41

, where you are finding you again

16:44

. So go back and

16:46

look at the early part of the year and

16:48

think you know I

16:50

wasn't doing this , but over time

16:52

I have actually started

16:55

to connect back to me in

16:57

some way . So

17:00

you know , the reason why I think

17:02

this is a really important question is

17:05

that we find it really difficult

17:07

to be

17:09

who we truly are because of all the

17:12

conditioning that we've had from

17:14

the toxic person . It's

17:16

all about pleasing them , everything's

17:19

about them . You

17:21

lose yourself and

17:24

becoming authentically you

17:26

is where you find your peace

17:28

, your freedom and

17:30

your joy . So

17:33

, but it's scary

17:35

, it's scary . It's it

17:37

can be fearful to be

17:39

you again because you're worried

17:41

about being judged , criticised

17:44

, demeaned , devalued . I'm

17:47

going to be really honest here . I

17:50

found it

17:52

was a bit of a . You

17:55

know , there was some fear for me being so

17:58

authentic in my podcast , in

18:00

the way I've brought you

18:03

know my truth out there . I

18:05

was worried that maybe no

18:07

one would listen to me , I wouldn't have

18:10

any listeners , that

18:12

you know my approach

18:14

was so not

18:18

the norm and that you

18:20

know I too should just focus on

18:22

, you know , telling

18:24

you about what a narcissist is , rather

18:27

than focusing on you

18:29

getting back to you , your authentic

18:31

self and finding who you truly are . But

18:34

over time , the listeners grew

18:36

and and I

18:39

am getting amazing feedback and

18:41

I really love . I genuinely love

18:43

all the messages that I get . I'm utterly

18:46

grateful for

18:48

every single message that I get

18:50

, because there were those

18:52

doubts . There was so much

18:54

self doubt and it's

18:56

scary to being the real

18:59

you , but I

19:01

just want to give you reassurance

19:04

that if you keep going down

19:06

that route of being you , you

19:09

will get everyone telling

19:12

you how much they appreciate you

19:14

for you being you . I

19:17

have had the most beautiful

19:19

reviews , and it

19:22

was only at the end of the

19:24

year when I sat down at my computer

19:26

and I found some of these

19:28

messages , these reviews on

19:31

the podcast , and I

19:33

wept so much reading

19:36

them about how much this

19:38

podcast meant to you . Sometimes

19:41

we've just got to step out and speak our

19:43

truth and I

19:45

really want you to look at where you've done

19:47

that this year and really

19:50

truly acknowledge that

19:52

that is maybe the greatest step that

19:54

you've taken , for

19:56

being honest with yourself is

19:59

truly massive and maybe

20:01

this is going to

20:03

be your way of expressing your

20:05

truth into the world . Please

20:07

don't underestimate this . Your

20:10

authenticity , you being your

20:12

real . You is beautiful and

20:16

, honestly , everybody will appreciate

20:18

it Maybe not the

20:20

toxic person , but that's not who

20:22

you want to live your life by . Okay

20:25

, so the next question

20:27

what did you learn about yourself this

20:30

year ? Now

20:34

reflect back on everything and

20:37

then maybe you'll see that you're much

20:39

stronger than you think

20:41

. Maybe you've learned so

20:44

much more about

20:46

that . You

20:48

have so much more to give and

20:51

you've got so much more potential than you

20:53

realized . Because , remember

20:55

, in a toxic relationship , part

20:58

of the cycle is devaluation

21:00

, so maybe you've been worrying that

21:02

you haven't got anything to give

21:04

, but actually maybe you're starting to see

21:06

that you

21:09

have so much more to give

21:11

. It's not you , but

21:13

it was the narcissistic relationship

21:15

that you need to heal from . That

21:18

will enable you to put all these

21:20

insights into a plan and

21:24

actually look at how you want to

21:26

move forward using

21:29

all your skills , your resilience , your strength

21:31

. We're also going to look

21:33

at borrowing something

21:35

from one of the corporate

21:37

tools . I don't

21:40

know if many of you know , but I used

21:42

to be a partner of a FTSEE 250 company

21:44

, so I've come from a corporate background , very

21:46

results driven , and I

21:49

love this next thing

21:51

to do

21:53

. It's

21:55

something that you can remember . It's called

21:57

Stop , start , continue

21:59

. So what is it that

22:02

you want to stop doing in

22:04

the next year 2024

22:06

, sorry , not next year . Now , in

22:08

the next 12 months , look ahead

22:10

and think what is it that I

22:12

want to stop doing ? Moving forward ? I

22:16

know for me , I really wanted to stop

22:19

putting so much energy and

22:21

thinking into the narcissist . I

22:25

just know that , ok , I can expect

22:27

that they're going to lie and

22:29

expect them to be fake and

22:32

expect them to live in an illusion

22:34

and expect them not

22:36

to have the empathy that people

22:39

have , but

22:41

I'm not going to get sucked into thinking

22:45

about what they've said or what they've done

22:47

, because it's just a waste of energy . So

22:50

, for me , stopping the rumination enabled

22:52

me to move forward in different ways . What

22:55

is it that you want to stop doing ? What

22:58

is it that you want to maybe heal ? What

23:01

is it that you think I

23:03

need to do

23:06

this so that

23:08

I can heal and

23:10

move forward with my life ? What

23:13

is it that you want to start doing to

23:16

move forward ? Maybe

23:18

you want to learn something new . Maybe

23:22

it's you want to do

23:26

something that brings you joy . Maybe

23:29

you want to start walking

23:32

more so that you get some

23:34

space to be present in the world , you

23:37

get a bit of breathing space . One

23:40

of the things that the toxic people or toxic

23:42

relationships does is that it keep you in your head thinking

23:46

about the past or worrying about

23:48

the future . Maybe

23:51

you want to cultivate some

23:53

practices that enable you to be

23:55

present . Maybe

23:58

you like walking in the woods or

24:00

going into the mountains

24:02

or swimming or exercising . Maybe

24:04

you throw yourself into work and you forget

24:07

everything . Or maybe you love

24:09

music or dancing . You

24:11

want to cultivate some space and

24:14

time every day so

24:16

you can just forget about

24:18

everything and be present in the moment

24:20

. So

24:23

maybe you want to start doing that . Whatever

24:25

it is for you , just have a thing what

24:27

is it that you want to start doing ? The

24:30

next question what

24:33

do you want to continue doing this year

24:35

? This is a massive one

24:37

for people that have been in toxic

24:39

relationships . You

24:42

have so many gifts and talents

24:44

. There is no one else like them , like

24:46

you . You want to start recognizing

24:49

yourself , what you

24:51

are good at . It's

24:54

so important . I believe

24:56

that this is something that we should be

24:58

doing on a daily basis . It's

25:00

actually acknowledging yourself

25:03

every day about what you're

25:05

doing well , so that

25:07

you know that

25:09

you're building your value

25:11

over time , because narcissism is

25:13

all about devaluation . We

25:15

have to actively and proactively

25:17

build self-worth to

25:19

actually acknowledge your value . I

25:22

love this question because it's

25:24

so easy to ignore what

25:26

you're doing well after narcissistic

25:28

abuse , because we're doing it in our own head

25:31

, worrying about what we didn't

25:33

do . We're not good enough . I

25:35

should have done this , I should . No , don't worry

25:37

. What are you doing well ? What

25:39

have you done well ? What should you continue

25:41

doing ? What is unique about

25:44

you ? There won't be just one thing

25:46

. There's a combination of a number of things

25:48

that make you so

25:51

unique . That's

25:54

what I think you should do

25:56

Now . The next question is what

25:59

experiences do you want

26:01

? It could be that you want to

26:03

travel . What is it you want to experience

26:05

? It could be a feeling , it could

26:08

be peace . What experiences

26:10

do you want moving forward in your

26:12

life so that you can start

26:14

to open up space for that ? Like

26:17

I said , maybe you want to meditate

26:19

. Imagine yourself on the beach . If

26:22

you're wanting to travel , you

26:24

can carve out five minutes a day Actually

26:27

just trying to get that feeling

26:29

. Even if you can't travel and you haven't got the

26:31

money , then just spend five

26:34

minutes a day imagining yourself in

26:37

the places that you really want to travel and

26:39

give yourself that moment

26:42

of just imagining and

26:44

getting that peace and enjoyment . Every

26:47

small step you take has

26:49

a huge effect over time

26:51

. Okay , you

26:53

will get there if you do this . Next

26:55

question how do you want to grow this

26:58

year to become the person you really

27:00

want to become and to

27:02

have the experiences that you want

27:04

? Maybe you want to feel

27:06

more like you . You want to get to

27:09

being your authentic self . Maybe

27:11

you want to start a business . How

27:14

do you want to grow ? To become that

27:16

? You might need to learn a new skill

27:19

or release some blocks that

27:21

you have to that . Maybe there's a lot of procrastination

27:24

and that's your biggest issue in

27:26

actually starting a business or

27:28

doing what it is that you want . Then

27:30

heal the procrastination , do something

27:32

about it . Do

27:35

what it is that you need to do so you

27:37

can grow . There's nothing holding you back

27:39

, apart from just something

27:42

that you need to learn or grow

27:44

. Lastly and

27:46

this is something that Tony Robin speaks a lot

27:48

about is how do you want

27:50

to contribute ? Lots of different

27:54

spiritual books talk about service

27:56

. How do you want to bring joy in

27:58

other people's lives ? It

28:00

might be that you want

28:02

to find help people find their dream

28:04

home . If you focus

28:07

on that , you will

28:09

add so much value . You will want

28:12

to bring joy to

28:14

other people . You want to serve that

28:16

. You forget about yourself , and

28:18

that's what makes you great . You might

28:20

want to bring joy to people's life through art

28:23

, or help people feel understood

28:25

by writing words in

28:27

a book so that they feel

28:29

connected . They don't feel alone

28:32

. There is absolutely

28:34

something incredible and unique that

28:36

you are meant to bring into the world , and how

28:38

you will contribute and shine

28:41

your light into the world . The

28:43

truth is , you deserve to

28:45

have the best year

28:47

of your life . You are brave

28:50

, you are strong . There

28:52

is no one that can deal with half

28:54

the things that you've dealt with . You just

28:56

need to gain the clarity of

28:58

how to get there . You

29:00

have so much courage Because

29:03

you've dealt with what you've dealt with . You

29:06

have the courage to go after it . All

29:08

you need to do is release some of that

29:10

fear . So , whatever

29:12

happens , incorporate love

29:15

into your life , self-love

29:18

in particular . Learn to

29:20

love the most important person

29:22

in your life through being understanding

29:24

and compassionate and loving

29:27

to yourself , because

29:29

love is the greatest healer , and

29:31

that is my wish for you is

29:34

for you to cultivate self-love

29:36

. If you want support

29:38

in any of these areas so you

29:40

can have the best year yet and

29:43

you're ready to heal so you

29:45

can thrive , then do look

29:48

into the resources section and

29:50

you'll find a free masterclass there

29:52

. If what is

29:55

said in the masterclass resonates

29:57

, you can then apply to join

29:59

an intensive four-month Heal to Five

30:01

program . Please note

30:03

there are only limited numbers that

30:05

I can take on board each month . It's quite

30:08

an intimate program

30:10

. I do look forward

30:12

to seeing you at the masterclass , if you're

30:15

interested in pursuing this , and

30:17

being supported in your healing

30:19

journey so that you can move forward

30:22

and make 2024

30:24

the best year yet for you . Sending

30:27

you so much love till next

30:29

time .