0:00

Would you swim with a shark without

0:02

any protection whatsoever ? I

0:05

know you wouldn't probably

0:07

wouldn't . Then why is it that you've actually

0:09

been in a toxic relationship ? I

0:11

know it doesn't make any sense when we

0:14

think about it in that way . So what

0:16

I want to do for you today is

0:18

give you the five steps of

0:20

what happens and why it

0:22

is that we're caught

0:25

up in these relationships

0:27

and it's so hard to actually

0:29

get ourselves untangled . So

0:32

I want you to really

0:34

think about how you got involved

0:36

in the relationship , because once we're

0:38

in , it's really really tough . On

0:41

the concept of sharks , we're

0:43

going to be looking at fish today

0:45

. So we're going to be going on a fishing

0:47

expedition . You and I . We're going

0:49

to be spending some time relaxing

0:52

, imagining that we're on a beautiful

0:54

boat together and we're together

0:57

fishing and really looking at this whole

0:59

concept of fishing . Now , if you are

1:01

an expert in fishing , I

1:03

do apologize . I really don't know

1:05

that much about fishing , but let's just

1:07

go with this theme . So

1:09

what happens when

1:12

we get into a toxic relationship

1:14

is they hook us in . You're

1:17

going about your business , you're enjoying

1:20

life , you're swimming

1:22

, you're loving life and

1:24

living life . You're probably at your

1:26

peak and then here

1:28

comes the hook bait and

1:31

you're hooked into this narcissistic

1:34

or toxic relationship that has

1:36

been so devastating for

1:38

your life and it's just been one

1:40

of the most dangerous things that you've probably

1:43

experienced or has

1:45

really taken so much out of you

1:47

that it's taking a long time

1:49

for you to get yourself back Now

1:51

. One of the

1:53

ways that toxic

1:56

people can hook people in is

1:58

by saying something like I

2:00

need you , I need your help

2:03

. Or they can be charming

2:05

, but the key here

2:07

is they can sometimes come across

2:10

as being vulnerable , as being

2:12

the innocent one , as

2:14

being the one that was in a difficult

2:18

relationship before and

2:20

has suffered so much it's

2:22

been really difficult for them , has

2:27

suffered so much , it's been really difficult for them , poor them . And if you get hooked

2:29

into that , you get this feeling of wanting to help , wanting to be

2:31

that person to give them

2:34

that love that they need , and you get

2:36

that feeling of I

2:38

am needed . And then

2:40

they've hooked you in Now as

2:43

an empath . If you are an empath which

2:45

I'm assuming you are you

2:47

want to help people . You

2:49

might have trauma from a young

2:51

age , so you might even want

2:54

to be needed , to be loved

2:56

. It feels good to be needed . It's

2:59

slightly different from actually contributing

3:01

to the world . Right , because

3:03

there's an element of trauma associated

3:05

, being wanting to have that feeling

3:08

of being needed , of being wanted

3:10

, of being . It's connected to

3:12

really wanting love and

3:15

, as you know , one of the

3:17

major things that we need to do when we've

3:19

been in toxic relationships is

3:21

cultivate self-love again . This

3:24

whole process of being

3:26

in a toxic relationship is really

3:28

about finding you again

3:31

. It's the whole process

3:33

of deep self-realization

3:36

. We're really looking to

3:38

find ourselves

3:40

when we want to know who

3:42

we are again ourselves

3:47

. We want to know who we are again . But when we've been or been through a toxic relationship , we

3:49

need to look back , and this is what we're going to do . We're going to look at

3:51

those five steps today . The

3:54

first step is that hook . How

3:57

did they get you to

3:59

feel wanted , to feel needed ? It's

4:02

really important to reflect back , because

4:05

that is how they hook you into

4:07

giving them attention . Everything

4:10

that the narcissist or toxic person

4:12

needs is attention . They're

4:14

trying to take your energy . They're trying to take

4:16

your attention . That's

4:18

why , a lot of the times when we've

4:20

been in toxic relationships , we don't end

4:22

up doing as well at work or

4:25

in other areas of our life , because it feels

4:27

like they take up all

4:30

our attention . We're always constantly

4:32

thinking about them . We're constantly thinking

4:34

about what they did to us . We're thinking

4:37

about how to be better around

4:39

them so that they don't get angry

4:41

or whatever it is . So we're

4:43

always looking to mold ourself

4:46

so that we can fit in and

4:48

be who they want us

4:50

to be . So let's

4:53

look at this hook . When

4:56

they hooked you

4:58

in , they were looking to get

5:00

your attention , and once you're

5:02

hooked in , it's so hard to let

5:04

go and that's

5:06

where we tend to stay in that

5:08

relationship until we wake up and realize

5:11

what's happened . If

5:14

anyone asks for you to help

5:16

them , it might

5:18

be that they're trying to get you to help

5:20

them because you want to be seen

5:23

or to be proved to somebody

5:25

that you're a good person , right

5:27

, and that might be due to some

5:29

trauma at a younger age . Yeah

5:31

, it might be some sort of conditioning that you

5:34

want others to see you in a good

5:36

light and you don't want others

5:38

to judge you . Should you do something

5:40

that might be seen as being

5:42

bad , okay , so that might

5:45

be that there's some childhood conditioning

5:47

going on where you feel

5:49

that you have to please other

5:51

people and be that good human being

5:53

. That's basically the trauma

5:56

of fawn . Yeah

5:58

, fawn is people pleasing

6:00

, basically , and if you're a people pleaser

6:03

, that means that you have got some

6:05

trauma . Yeah , that's what

6:07

causes people-pleasing . You

6:10

see , what they do as toxic

6:12

people is use problems

6:15

or past sadness

6:17

to draw people in . They're

6:19

trying to say , huh , I

6:22

am going to use this problem

6:24

to draw them in . And a lot

6:26

of the time they

6:28

target people . So

6:30

they're targeting the fish

6:33

. When you go fishing , they're targeting . It's premeditated

6:36

, it's not just , oh

6:38

, actually , you just happen

6:40

to be there . They pick and choose

6:42

who they want to be with . So it always

6:45

mostly begins

6:47

with them being vulnerable in some

6:49

way and drawing you in in

6:51

some way so that you

6:54

can prove or make things

6:56

better for them . And

6:59

what they're doing is drawing you into this

7:01

web and suddenly and slowly

7:03

, they start taking complete

7:06

control of your attention

7:08

, of where you put your attention

7:11

, attention

7:16

of where you put your attention , and if you don't do what they want and how they

7:18

want , they will punish you . That's what they do . Then they get to

7:20

a point where they are completely

7:22

in control . Then

7:25

, whilst they're doing this , they

7:27

are abusing you and I'm going to break all

7:29

these steps down and one

7:31

of the main ways that people

7:33

are abused is that they change

7:36

belief systems . Okay , this

7:38

is the worst thing that they do . One

7:40

is the emotional trauma . Two

7:43

is they change your whole belief

7:45

system . That's why it takes

7:47

proactive changing and

7:50

healing , you know , to actually

7:52

release all of this . That's why

7:54

it's so difficult and people don't

7:56

realize how hard it is and

7:59

the type of therapy that is needed

8:01

to actually release it all . And

8:03

the worst thing is there's a psychological

8:06

element to it , because they will call you manipulative

8:09

you're a liar , you're evil , you're

8:11

this , you're that . And all the while

8:14

they're trying to persuade

8:16

you to be

8:20

, they're basically isolating you

8:22

. When they're doing all of that , one

8:24

of the things to do they're

8:26

doing is to try and influence your

8:29

thinking , your beliefs , and

8:31

they will try and remove and

8:33

isolate you from people . So let's just

8:35

go through this right . Step one they

8:39

will target you

8:41

first . Okay , how

8:43

are you going to meet their needs

8:46

? So that's the first thing they basically

8:48

analyze . They're not going to just pick on anyone

8:50

. You've got to be . You are actually really valuable

8:52

. There is a lot about you , that is

8:55

, you have a lot to offer . Otherwise we wouldn't

8:57

have targeted you in the first place . Step

8:59

two is they're trying to hook you in

9:01

. How do they get you to get

9:04

your attention ? And one of the

9:06

biggest things that

9:08

narcissists do with empaths

9:10

is try and get you to help them

9:13

feel better in some way . You want

9:15

to help them in some way to feel

9:17

like to be that good

9:19

person , to be the

9:22

empath to help another human

9:24

being . So that's step number

9:26

two . Step number

9:28

three , once they've got your attention , is

9:30

they're going to start to

9:33

focus on isolating

9:35

you . Isolation

9:37

is a major , major thing

9:39

and there's a reason for this

9:41

because they

9:43

have to isolate you before they

9:46

do step four and we'll go into

9:48

step four in a second . But they're

9:50

trying to take all your attention

9:52

and all your focus and

9:55

during this stage , they're going to be

9:57

doing stuff and pretending everything

9:59

is okay , like they're going to , you

10:02

know , tell you that

10:04

you know everything's okay

10:06

. You know this is probably the love

10:09

bombing phase to some degree , right

10:11

, but they're isolating you . And

10:13

then you have to prove to

10:17

them all the time like , oh

10:19

, you know I

10:21

am a good person or I do

10:23

love you , and one of the key things that they

10:25

love saying is you don't love me or

10:28

you don't have , you're not giving me

10:30

the attention that I need . You

10:32

keep spending time with your family . You

10:34

don't love me . This is an

10:36

isolation situation

10:39

, right , and sometimes , if we don't

10:41

have a clear understanding of what

10:43

love is , we can think that this

10:45

isolation phase is a show

10:48

of love . It's not . This isn't love . Trying

10:51

to isolate you from people that love you and

10:53

from people , things that you enjoy , isn't

10:56

love , is the opposite of love . Yeah

11:00

, and you're trying to get them

11:02

to love you again or whatever it is

11:04

, and then you're then

11:06

trying to prove that everything

11:09

is okay , or you do love them and

11:12

you're giving

11:14

them more attention that way . Then

11:17

, step four , it feels like Groundhog

11:19

Day . Have you ever been in that scenario where

11:21

you're just literally feeling

11:23

like , oh , life is such a struggle

11:26

, life is such a struggle . I get

11:28

up , I wake up , I go to

11:31

work , I come home , I

11:33

clean , I look

11:35

after the children , I make sure they've done it , whatever

11:37

it is that you're doing , and then they're

11:39

giving you a hard time . You have

11:41

to keep your phone on you at all times because

11:44

they might call and , just in case , if

11:47

you don't respond straight away , then

11:49

you're in trouble . And

11:51

with that , the Groundhog Day

11:54

, there's repeated messaging

11:56

that they're giving you and

11:58

with that messaging is

12:00

a threat yeah , that

12:03

if you don't follow what

12:05

I want and what I'm saying

12:07

, then you will lose this

12:09

or you will lose that , or I'm going to do

12:11

this , or I've got this information on

12:14

you and I'm going to tell these people

12:16

and I'm going to do this . So they're using

12:18

fear and if you don't

12:20

follow what they want threats

12:22

, if you don't comply with what

12:25

I want , I'm going to tell these people , I'm going to shame

12:27

you , I'm going to guilt you . This

12:29

is exactly what is used by

12:31

prisoners of war . Okay , they

12:35

isolate . So say , if

12:37

you're an American

12:39

and you've been caught as a prisoner

12:41

of war , they

12:43

will isolate you from all the other

12:45

American prisoners of war . Okay

12:48

, and then they will give out repetitive

12:51

messaging over loud speaker

12:53

, repetitive messaging , loud

12:55

speaker . They make sure that they instill

12:57

threats through fear

13:00

, through , maybe , abuse

13:03

, physical abuse , or through sleep

13:05

deprivation . I don't know about you , but

13:07

how many of you have actually experienced sleep

13:09

deprivation in a toxic relationship

13:11

? That is like being in

13:15

such a stressful scenario , and

13:17

all the time what they're doing is they're also

13:20

projecting onto you and

13:22

saying that you are this , you

13:25

are that , you're evil , you're

13:27

egotistical . You're this

13:29

and making you out to be

13:31

a bad person . You don't love me , you're

13:38

really selfish , you're not a good mother

13:40

, you're not a good father all this stuff

13:42

repeated messaging over

13:45

and over again , albeit whatever

13:47

you do . They laugh at you or they say

13:49

that all your food's terrible

13:51

. What they're saying is you're not good enough . You're

13:53

not good enough . In lots of different ways

13:56

that is repeated messaging

13:58

. It doesn't have to be words . Sometimes

14:00

it can be done in the actions

14:02

and the way they make you feel about

14:04

yourself . Okay so

14:06

, but it's still repeated messaging

14:09

. They could say , on one hand , I'm

14:11

so glad that you're doing well at work

14:13

, but on the other hand , they make you feel

14:15

terrible about yourself and

14:17

then you feel scared about saying

14:19

anything about having your needs

14:21

met , because they're trying

14:23

to make you feel fearful and threatening

14:26

you that if you don't do what they want

14:28

, then you're a bad

14:30

person . So that's

14:32

the repeated messaging . And with that

14:34

they bring in some threats and stuff

14:36

that they'll tell other people

14:38

what you're doing or make up stuff

14:41

. A lot of it is made up and exaggerated

14:43

anyway . Step number

14:45

four then they

14:47

intensify the devaluation

14:50

and abuse . They

14:53

start projecting

14:57

all of their own negative qualities

14:59

onto you . This is basically

15:02

the dehumanization

15:05

. I don't know if

15:07

you've heard the word dehumanization

15:09

before , but overall

15:12

, what they are making you feel

15:14

is that you're not worthy

15:16

of being a human being or you don't

15:19

have a purpose . This

15:21

is why , earlier on , I said , this

15:23

process of healing yourself is

15:26

about self-realization . What

15:29

the narcissist or a toxic relationship

15:31

has done is pretty

15:33

much stripped away your purpose , your

15:36

meaning for life , your want to

15:39

be alive . Sometimes , at

15:42

the core , they don't see you as a

15:44

human being . They objectify

15:46

you . It's like you don't have any rights

15:48

. You don't have any rights , you don't have

15:50

any needs , and this is what we've really got

15:53

to reverse

15:56

. Okay , you do

15:58

have a purpose , you are a

16:00

human being and

16:03

what you've experienced is

16:05

this feeling of that you're not worthy

16:08

of even being a human being , of existing

16:10

, and we need

16:12

to actually work

16:14

through this step by step , so

16:17

that you can actually feel

16:19

that you have

16:22

every right to be alive . Because

16:24

you are alive . I

16:27

mean , there's nothing who says

16:29

you're not allowed to be here or you shouldn't

16:31

be here . For what reason ? And

16:33

a lot of the time , these feelings

16:36

or this sense is subconscious

16:40

, because it actually doesn't make any logical

16:42

sense that you might have this . So

16:45

step five is the dehumanization

16:47

. This is what you feel

16:49

now that you're not allowed

16:52

to have any needs , any

16:54

wants , any thoughts , any

16:56

feelings . Of course that's

16:58

going to impact our self-worth and

17:02

it's the effects of devaluation

17:04

. That occurs on such a deep level

17:06

when we're trying

17:09

to work through

17:11

a trauma wound . The

17:14

trauma response where we're fighting

17:16

and we're trying to prove our

17:19

worth is basically

17:21

we're trying to prove our worth of being worthy

17:24

of being alive , of being

17:26

a human being at the core yeah

17:29

, you know , being worthy

17:31

of being alive . If you've

17:33

ever been so frustrated because

17:36

there's a problem that you're

17:38

trying to solve and you can't solve it , and

17:40

that is how your whole life

17:42

can feel . When you've been in

17:44

a toxic relationship , because

17:47

, no matter how much you try and prove

17:49

that you're worthy of being

17:51

alive , it's impossible

17:53

to actually get this person to agree to

17:55

that and your whole life can

17:57

go into focusing on trying to solve

17:59

this problem . That is inherently

18:02

impossible . When

18:04

you're out , when

18:06

you realize that there's no

18:08

solution and genuinely there

18:11

is no solution , you

18:13

don't then need to get their approval

18:15

. One you don't

18:17

have their approval and two you don't

18:19

need it . Nothing you

18:21

can do can change the

18:24

fact that they will not give you this feeling of yes

18:26

. They will not give you this

18:28

feeling of yes , you're worthy as

18:31

a human being , but the

18:33

problem now is our belief

18:35

system is that maybe

18:38

I'm not worthy . I'm

18:40

not worthy . The

18:43

self-worth has been depleted , the power of

18:45

your life is pretty

18:47

much in someone else's hands , because

18:50

they dictate whether you're worth

18:52

living or not , in a sense , and

18:55

that is your subconscious belief

18:57

that actually somebody else

19:00

has the power over my life . Somebody

19:02

else has to validate me to

19:04

let me know that I am worthy of

19:07

living , if you like , and

19:09

it doesn't matter what you do . You can't

19:11

do anything right for these

19:13

people , and when people know

19:15

they're in control and that you need

19:18

that validation , they

19:21

will use it to control you

19:23

. It's a means of controlling and

19:26

you can't do any right . You can't

19:28

win , because a lot

19:30

of the time this is the worst

19:32

part , right . A lot of the time it's

19:34

not based on anything . It's just based

19:36

on an illusion . A lot of the time

19:39

we're trying to prove ourselves to some

19:41

things that just don't make any logical

19:43

sense , and I don't know if you've ever

19:45

been in that scenario where you're having this conversation

19:47

. You've started something and it's gone

19:49

in so many different directions . It's called

19:51

word salad . They just throw loads of

19:53

different things in there so that they

19:55

can distract you . You

19:58

don't know where you started , where you end . You

20:00

had something to get across and it's

20:02

just like a complete . It actually feels

20:04

like your whole brain has been

20:06

scrambled like a scrambled egg and

20:09

it's like they become the judge and

20:11

the jury of what is

20:13

the truth of your

20:15

experiences . It's

20:18

like you've got , you know . We

20:20

don't even know what the truth is anymore . You

20:22

know , and they hold that

20:24

key . Unfortunately , then , when

20:26

we are allowing somebody to dictate

20:28

what we're worthy of or

20:31

how worthy we are of

20:34

our life , we're basically saying somebody

20:36

else is judge and jury over our

20:39

truth . Because the truth of

20:41

the matter is you have every right

20:43

to be here and you

20:45

feel then that you can't even

20:47

speak your truth . You can't speak how

20:49

you feel . You can't speak your thoughts . It's like only what they even speak your truth . You can't speak how you feel . You can't

20:51

speak your thoughts . It's like they're only there

20:53

. What they say is the truth

20:56

and what you believe isn't

20:59

, and that their version is the only

21:01

version of truth , which is complete nonsense

21:03

when we logically think about it

21:05

. And they believe their way

21:07

is the best way , their way is perfection

21:10

, and it's completely devoid

21:12

of reality . It's

21:16

like we have to . You

21:19

can't you know

21:21

. It's like say , if

21:23

you've been , you

21:25

know that you've been in a toxic relationship where

21:28

they say you know , you , it's

21:30

bad that you've been in a relationship

21:32

before , or it's

21:35

bad that you're working . Only

21:37

you know fathers can work , or or

21:40

vice versa . You know all

21:42

of these are just nonsense . Belief

21:44

systems right , but they can

21:47

make you feel denigrated and

21:49

look down and you feel like you're not enough

21:51

because it's not just their

21:54

beliefs . It could be that all the

21:56

family's beliefs

21:59

are the same as well . They could be toxic

22:01

beliefs in the family that they're carrying

22:03

right . But when you put

22:05

it all together and you really

22:08

look at it , on paper it's

22:10

actually a lot of . It is just nonsensical

22:13

and dehumanization at

22:16

the core , where they're trying to say

22:18

that you're not

22:20

good enough , you're not worth being

22:23

here or worthy of being

22:25

a human being , which is dehumanization

22:27

. You're not worthy of having your own feelings , your

22:29

thoughts . You know none of that

22:31

. And it's actually not based on

22:33

any reality whatsoever , because

22:37

their judgment is based on themselves

22:40

seeing the truth and this can get out

22:42

of hand . I mean , some toxic

22:44

people can do some really , really

22:46

bad things because they

22:51

you know , it's

22:53

like the prisoners of wars , where they're

22:56

indoctrinating the soldiers

22:58

of war over a number of years and

23:01

they get to a point where they'll do anything

23:03

and a lot of the time

23:05

. If we've had this put on

23:07

us over and over again , then

23:10

we can start to believe some of their

23:12

nonsense stuff . So

23:15

we really really need

23:17

to look at our belief systems . That's

23:19

what I want to get across here . If

23:21

they are playing the victim , they

23:24

are trying to say that others

23:26

have said this and they're taking it out of context

23:29

and all the rest of it . They're going to say all this nonsense

23:31

. You really need to look

23:33

at . Okay , what is my

23:35

belief system ? I don't care what they believe

23:38

. They can believe whatever

23:40

they want . They're going to believe a

23:42

load of rubbish , you know . But

23:44

what do I believe ? The only

23:47

thing that matters in this and sometimes we can

23:49

get caught up with the injustice

23:51

of it and it is really , really painful , but

23:53

we don't want to look at what it is that they

23:55

believe and what they're saying to other people , because

23:58

it's so tough to get

24:00

out of that . I want you to really

24:02

look at . What is it that you believe ? What

24:04

is it that you believe about yourself now

24:07

and can you change anything

24:09

that they have indoctrinated

24:11

into you ? You know , made you believe

24:13

because of this relationship and

24:17

until now . This is

24:19

key here because it's all

24:21

about belief systems ultimately

24:23

and obviously trauma . Okay , so there's

24:25

emotional wounds that

24:28

you've got , there's no doubt . So you have to release the emotional wounds that

24:30

you've got . There's no doubt . So you have to release the emotional wounds before

24:32

you can look at your own belief systems . But

24:34

you'll be able to tell that there's some belief

24:36

systems about yourself now

24:39

that you have that you didn't have before . But

24:42

now , one of the things I really want to

24:44

bring up about belief systems is if

24:47

you are thinking that maybe your partner

24:49

will change , or the person

24:51

will change , or they're telling you that they're changing

24:53

, can you see

24:56

if they have changed their belief system

24:58

? Can you see if

25:01

they have

25:04

fundamentally released

25:07

some of these old way of

25:09

thinking ? Released some of these old way of thinking

25:11

. Say , for instance

25:14

, they're saying to you yeah

25:23

, I believe that women should work , but actually they're still showing signs of not recognizing

25:26

that you need time to work . They're not acknowledging

25:28

that you're taking care of the children

25:30

and providing childcare maintenance

25:32

, for instance , then you

25:34

know that their belief system

25:37

isn't what they're

25:39

saying they believe . Okay . So

25:42

if someone believes something

25:45

, they are likely to

25:47

re-offend . Okay . So if you look

25:49

at prisoners , for instance

25:51

, if someone has a belief system

25:53

that is like , oh

25:56

, I don't know , women

25:58

are all evil and they've actually

26:01

abused women , or women that

26:03

have abused men and they think men

26:05

are all evil , so if we

26:07

look at their belief system , if

26:10

their belief system hasn't changed once

26:12

they're out of prison , they're going to re-offend

26:15

. Okay . So we have to

26:17

also look at our own belief

26:19

system in the same way . So

26:22

if you've been in

26:24

a relationship where you believe you're not

26:26

good enough , for instance , if

26:29

you don't change your belief system , you

26:31

will always re-offend with that

26:33

belief system where you'll think that you're not

26:36

good enough and hold yourself back , you might procrastinate

26:38

. You will always re-offend

26:40

until you have looked at the

26:42

belief system and healed the trauma

26:45

wound underneath that . It's not going

26:47

to go away unless you change

26:49

your belief . It's

26:51

the beliefs that are driving your behavior

26:54

. If you're procrastinating

26:56

, it's the belief that is driving that behavior

26:59

of procrastinating . If you

27:02

want to do a business but you're not doing it

27:04

at the moment . It's a belief driving

27:06

you not to do it at the moment . You might be

27:08

doing other things . Okay , so

27:10

then , unless we

27:12

change the belief , then we can't

27:14

change anything . And

27:16

that's how a narcissist

27:20

can play the system . We

27:23

know a lot of the time that the narcissist

27:25

plays the system . They go in , they pretend

27:27

that they're a changed person , but

27:30

the truth of the matter is , until they can

27:32

change their belief system , they're

27:35

going to keep reoffending , despite how

27:37

charming and wonderful and all the rest

27:39

of it , or being a victim they are

27:41

in front of the system

27:44

itself . So if we

27:46

don't change beliefs , they don't disappear

27:49

. You can't change

27:51

yourself overnight . It doesn't happen

27:53

. It does take intensive work

27:55

. These beliefs are

27:58

entrenched , sometimes

28:00

right , they're really entrenched so

28:02

they can say all the right things , but

28:05

it's unlikely they will change

28:07

based on their actions . So

28:09

if you're hoping that the

28:11

narcissist or the toxic person will just

28:13

change by themselves , it's

28:15

really about them having to change their

28:18

fundamental belief system

28:20

and then change . And also

28:22

they need to learn how to have empathy , which

28:24

is difficult for them if they

28:26

have a narcissistic personality

28:28

disorder . At the moment , science

28:31

hasn't revealed a way of actually

28:33

creating empathy in the brain

28:35

where there isn't any or

28:37

there isn't as much . So

28:39

when we believe with

28:41

a feeling , there's

28:43

not just emotions , there's

28:46

not just thoughts that are , you know , it's

28:48

also the emotions are tied into it

28:51

. And where there's a trauma bond , there's

28:53

beliefs entrenched with

28:55

emotion . And that's

28:57

how , a lot of the time , our beliefs

29:00

are developed through family , family

29:02

cultures . So , and

29:04

we are there's so much tied

29:06

into family belief systems because

29:08

we believe that if

29:11

we don't do what the family does , we're

29:13

going to be risking our survival Okay

29:15

, we're going to get kicked out of our family as a young

29:17

child . So then , basically

29:20

, we have these entrenched beliefs

29:22

that we don't genuinely challenge

29:24

that much . So we have

29:27

to really be open to looking

29:30

at our belief systems and looking at which

29:32

ones do I want to challenge , you

29:34

know , which ones don't actually

29:37

benefit me

29:39

anymore , which ones are not benefiting me

29:41

. And so that we can then don't keep

29:43

conforming to these belief systems

29:45

, we have to find a way of releasing

29:47

them . You know , basically

29:52

, we can tell what a person's like when

29:54

we really understand their belief system . So

29:56

if you are going to go into a new

29:58

relationship with anyone , you really

30:01

want to understand what do they believe ? Yeah

30:04

, what are their belief systems about ? You

30:06

know , what do they ? How do they want to live their life

30:08

Not them trying to show you that

30:10

they have empathy , but really watching

30:13

, okay

30:19

, what do they believe ? So that's why , a lot of the time , if you can see a toxic person

30:21

or see a new person that you're dating reacting to different things that

30:23

are unusual like how do they react

30:25

to the waiter or waitress in

30:27

a restaurant you can really see

30:29

, okay , what are their belief systems about ? Do

30:31

they acknowledge people ? Or

30:42

how do they treat others ? You know , so this helps you understand belief systems . So this

30:44

is what I really wanted to share with you today , and if you are looking

30:47

to change your belief systems and

30:49

you want to heal , I am

30:51

taking limited people onto

30:53

the Heal to Thrive program . If you are

30:55

interested in that , then do have

30:57

a look and apply for a one-to-one session

30:59

, and we can see if we align for that . There

31:01

are limited numbers every month , though . The

31:04

other thing is look , love

31:07

is the biggest healer . You

31:10

deserve love , without a doubt . You

31:12

really do deserve love , and

31:14

the most important person

31:16

that you need love from is

31:18

you . You need to love

31:20

you for you , uniquely

31:22

you . You really don't need anyone

31:25

to tell you that you're worthy of love

31:27

. You really are . You know you

31:29

need to start cultivating that love

31:31

, that compassion , that care

31:35

, that kindness . Please

31:37

, this week , until next

31:39

time , be kind to yourself Every

31:42

opportunity you can get , be loving

31:44

towards yourself , be considerate

31:46

and be understanding . You've been

31:48

through so much . You've been through

31:51

these five steps and

31:53

it's been tough . It wasn't your fault

31:55

because , just like a fish , if

31:58

it gets hooked in , it's hard to let go

32:00

. It's the same scenario , but you've

32:02

awoken , you've become aware

32:04

. Now and give yourself the love

32:06

, give yourself the compassion

32:09

that you are awake , you are aware

32:11

. Okay , sending you

32:13

so much love till next time .