0:00

Welcome , my friends , back to the podcast

0:02

. In this podcast , we're going to be talking about

0:04

five oddly common

0:06

misunderstandings around trauma , which

0:09

will immediately start to dissipate

0:12

any self-doubt if you are

0:14

managing trauma

0:16

after a toxic relationship , and

0:19

for each of these I'm going to be talking about

0:21

what you can change

0:23

right now and

0:26

what you can do to help yourself and what

0:28

not to do . At the end , it's

0:31

Dr Amonkour here , and for

0:33

me , understanding trauma was

0:35

the only way I really started

0:38

to heal after a toxic relationship

0:41

, and it's taken me years to

0:43

get to this space of peace . So

0:45

this is the podcast I wish

0:48

I would have listened to when I was first

0:50

starting to heal from toxic relationship

0:53

trauma many , many years ago . So

0:55

I'm really excited to share this with you

0:57

. So let's get started . Trauma

1:01

is a wound that you

1:03

can't see , so you

1:05

might think I don't know if

1:07

I've even got trauma . I don't think I

1:09

have trauma because you can't

1:12

see it . So

1:14

just hang in there and

1:16

wait for a second . First

1:18

and foremost , we all know someone

1:20

I know . You know someone , someone

1:23

that gets really angry very quickly

1:25

, or someone you know

1:27

who can be best described as

1:30

being difficult , and

1:32

sometimes people would just say , oh , you

1:35

know , they're just like that and

1:37

sometimes they're very incredibly

1:39

charming . You know

1:41

someone who also might have

1:43

shut down , who's closed

1:46

off from having meaningful

1:48

relationships , and maybe they

1:50

just don't know why . And

1:52

I have people sometimes

1:54

ask me what is a normal relationship

1:57

? We sometimes

1:59

assume everybody else is having

2:01

a normal relationship and it's just

2:04

me . I'm the one that's living

2:06

with a difficult person , or the alcoholic

2:09

, or the gambler , or

2:11

I'm the one that is the alcoholic

2:13

and or someone

2:16

that's been diagnosed

2:18

or undiagnosed personality

2:20

disorder . We're gonna look deeper

2:22

into all of this . Myth

2:25

number one around trauma is

2:27

that it's me . Have you ever thought

2:29

there's something wrong with me ? Like

2:32

deep down , a

2:34

deep thought , that

2:36

is there something wrong with me ? That

2:39

is really normal , because maybe

2:42

, like me , you might have already

2:44

experienced this too . And

2:46

then you've gone to a mainstream

2:48

mental health professional and

2:51

I really want you to understand

2:53

and realize and this is so important

2:56

that not every mental

2:58

health professional knows and

3:00

understands trauma . They

3:03

focus on seeing you and

3:07

there is seeing that there is something

3:09

wrong with you and that they will help you fix

3:11

it . That is their approach

3:14

. That isn't how you

3:16

deal with trauma , though , so

3:18

you might be thinking what is the right approach

3:20

. Let me explain more so

3:22

we can really get into this . Myth

3:25

number two is I

3:27

just have to get out of this

3:30

. I just have to get out of

3:32

this situation . When

3:34

I first started to see clients , I

3:36

was so surprised how

3:38

they kept referring back to the difficult

3:40

person or the difficult situation

3:43

or what they had been through

3:45

, what they had done . They

3:48

were really having a hard time having

3:50

fun , enjoying life , being

3:52

with friends , being with family . They

3:55

would go back and bring in the conversation

3:58

about that difficult person or

4:00

that difficult situation , or

4:02

they would always have it at the back of their mind

4:04

all the time . They

4:07

were no longer able to be present

4:09

in a meaningful way like

4:12

they had done before . It's

4:14

interesting when we look at war veterans

4:16

. War veterans also

4:19

find it hard after

4:21

coming back from war , and this is the research

4:23

. They had a hard time

4:25

loving their partners and

4:28

most people would be thinking oh

4:30

my gosh , how is that possible

4:32

? You'd think that they

4:34

would love being back in that scenario

4:37

because they're out of that situation

4:39

. They're out of that toxic situation

4:41

. Just like when you're

4:44

out of that toxic situation , you

4:46

can believe oh , I'm going to love my life

4:49

, I'm going to have the best time ever . But

4:52

actually what happens in reality is

4:54

it's hard being present

4:57

in a meaningful way where

4:59

you can make the most out of your life . Now

5:01

it's being actually

5:04

present because you can't

5:06

let go of the people

5:08

and war veterans couldn't

5:10

let go of the people that died . It's

5:13

like they're bound to them in

5:15

some way . There's a

5:18

way that there's like an invisible

5:20

bond , and

5:23

I really want to explore this further by looking

5:25

at myth number three , which

5:28

is trauma , is oddly common

5:30

. So many people , so

5:33

many clients , are smart

5:35

and competent , yet they

5:37

would describe themselves as

5:39

a shadow of themselves

5:42

or broken . Sometimes

5:44

. At the time they're keeping everything under

5:46

control and they're high functioning and

5:49

then something happens , there's

5:51

a difficult person or there's some sort

5:53

of disappointment . They

5:55

are getting themselves and revving

5:57

themselves to be hopeful , and

6:00

then they get to a space , something

6:03

happens , and then they go to overwhelm

6:05

and you can feel really angry

6:08

, sad , fearful

6:10

, anxiety , and what

6:12

is happening to them means

6:14

that it's really hard to

6:18

keep their responses

6:20

or keep themselves

6:22

feeling

6:24

calm , no matter what is going

6:26

on in the environment . Now

6:28

, when we look at war veterans and the

6:30

studies there , it is

6:32

recognized that their

6:34

bodies would continue to re

6:36

experience that very terrible

6:39

fighting situation and

6:42

events coming back , where they're seeing images

6:44

, behaviors , physical sensations

6:47

. And what researchers now

6:50

know from many , many

6:52

different studies is that we

6:55

had got something wrong . We

6:57

have something fundamentally

6:59

wrong that is still alive

7:01

in society today , that

7:04

it has to be people that

7:06

have been exposed to extraordinary

7:09

events outside of normal human

7:11

experience for that to be

7:13

a trauma . Science

7:16

and studies are revealing numerous

7:19

studies . There's a massive

7:21

misunderstanding here and it's

7:23

turned out that this is not an

7:25

unusual experience at all to

7:28

have trauma , to have this

7:30

invisible wound . Trauma

7:32

is actually , unlike what

7:34

we first thought , extremely

7:36

common . The

7:38

amount of trauma you have will

7:40

vary . Myth number

7:43

four trauma is not a mindset

7:45

that needs fixing . Trauma

7:47

is an experience . Okay , so

7:50

let's look at how you

7:52

experience life Through

7:55

what you see , what

7:57

you hear , what you feel , what you

7:59

smell , what you sense . That

8:03

is how you're experiencing life

8:05

right now through what you're seeing around

8:07

you , what you're hearing

8:09

my voice Maybe you're

8:12

hearing other things as well what

8:14

you're feeling within yourself . Maybe

8:17

it's a smell around you or what

8:19

it is . It could be a sense . It's

8:22

all having an impact on

8:24

your body . So

8:26

trauma happens through

8:28

what is entering into your

8:31

ears , what you're seeing , what you're smelling

8:33

, what you're feeling , what you're sensing , and

8:35

it goes into your supercomputer

8:37

, which is your brain . Yes

8:40

, you have a super amazing computer

8:43

and when we're overwhelmed

8:45

, we basically don't feel safe

8:50

to say what we want to say or

8:53

be how we want to be , and

8:55

that is when we feel threatened or

8:57

scared or we feel fearful

8:59

in some way , and

9:01

it goes down to a very primitive part

9:03

of your brain then and it automatically

9:06

interprets what is going on . Okay

9:09

, in its own way , and that

9:11

part of the brain is called the amygdala and

9:13

we're going to call her Amy for

9:15

short . Amy

9:17

takes over . Yeah , you

9:20

can imagine her as some sort

9:22

of heroine . You

9:24

know , she'll take over . She's sort

9:26

of like a superhero and

9:29

she reacts in a way that

9:31

is super fast , is four

9:33

times faster than the thinking part of

9:35

your brain , and she takes

9:37

over to keep you safe . She's

9:39

always looking for what is dangerous

9:41

or what is safe and

9:44

, in an event , something

9:46

or an experience that

9:49

is traumatic

9:51

is anything where you

9:54

don't feel safe and you have to

9:56

adapt yourself and Amy is

9:58

in charge , and your body

10:00

starts to automatically go into a state

10:02

of fight where

10:05

you start getting angry , you're ready to

10:07

fight someone , flight where

10:09

you want to run away . You want to get away , you

10:12

want to get out of this environment . You don't want to

10:14

be in this situation anymore . Freeze

10:17

where you feel like you just can't do anything

10:19

, and form where you try and

10:21

please people , please other

10:24

people . So if you're a people pleaser

10:26

, it's actually a trauma response so

10:30

you can then adapt

10:32

and survive in this

10:34

situation . That's when Amy

10:36

has taken over to keep

10:38

you alive . So

10:41

myth number five is

10:43

that Amy can just move on

10:45

, can just forget about it and just

10:47

move on . The lingering

10:49

effects of trauma

10:51

, of these experiences , these invisible

10:53

wounds that you have , is

10:55

that you continue to have

10:58

mild stresses to

11:01

elive and you continue

11:03

to react to them . Stress is always

11:05

going to be there , things are always going to happen

11:08

. But what happens is you start reacting

11:10

to these mild stresses as

11:13

if your life's in danger and

11:15

you tend to become more reactive

11:18

. Because Amy can't

11:21

just forget and move on . So

11:24

you tend to be more reactive

11:26

. So somebody might irritate

11:28

you in a supermarket or

11:30

if someone's walking too slow , they'll

11:33

get on your nerves , you know . Or

11:35

you might find you have more self-doubt

11:37

. You become more fearful . You

11:39

question yourself . More you get

11:42

angry more , you become snappy

11:44

with children or loved ones , or

11:47

you feel you can't

11:49

give out love like

11:52

you used to in an authentic way

11:54

. Basically

11:56

, you're under more stress than

11:58

you were before , and usually

12:00

what most people are not aware of

12:02

is they're not aware

12:05

that their reactions , that they're

12:07

having right now , are

12:09

actually because of some of the

12:11

experiences that you've

12:13

had before , because

12:16

you grew up in a difficult

12:18

environment or you grew

12:20

up with that difficult person , or

12:23

you had that experience with that

12:25

difficult person , or

12:27

you had a boss that was difficult , and

12:30

those experiences are something

12:32

that you've had in the past . Even

12:35

if whatever has happened

12:37

is over just like

12:39

the war veterans is over , amy

12:42

will continue to react

12:45

as if you're in danger . So

12:47

what can you change right

12:50

now ? What is

12:52

it that you can do right now ? One

12:54

of the biggest challenges of you treating

12:57

trauma is becoming

12:59

aware of how your body reacts

13:01

, without judgment

13:03

, without criticism . Do

13:06

not put Amy in charge

13:08

by criticising and judging yourself as

13:10

if you shouldn't be feeling like this . Unfortunately

13:14

, in society , we

13:16

have people around us that might believe

13:19

there's something wrong with you if you react

13:21

in a certain way . But what

13:23

you can do right now , today

13:26

, is one . You can make

13:28

a decision , make a commitment

13:30

to help you heal and that

13:33

will change you , because

13:36

we need to change

13:38

the way we talk to ourselves and we also

13:40

need to change the kind of people

13:43

that we're around . If someone

13:45

around you is making you feel like there's

13:47

something wrong with you and you need to fix

13:49

it , you need to

13:51

look at what is that impact having

13:53

on you , rather than labelling

13:56

yourself as you needing to be fixed

13:59

. If you're going to a

14:01

mental health practitioner or you've got friends or

14:03

you've got family and you have trauma

14:05

you've got to come

14:07

to terms with . They don't understand

14:09

trauma . If they're trying to fix you , what

14:12

you need is look

14:16

. If you need medication , it should

14:18

be a short-term solution so

14:20

you can heal the trauma wound . The

14:23

medication isn't going to actually help you

14:25

heal the trauma wound If

14:27

you're going for talk therapy or traditional

14:30

talk therapy or coaching , where

14:33

you are trying to fix

14:35

something you

14:38

know , as if you can stop reacting

14:41

with anxiety and depression , it's

14:43

not going to work out very well because

14:45

you have to help

14:47

yourself heal your

14:49

trauma and understanding

14:53

being understanding

14:55

towards yourself is

14:58

healing the trauma . First

15:01

, give yourself time

15:03

to connect with your body and regulate

15:06

it . What that means is , you

15:09

know , give it . You know , every hour , just

15:11

sit with yourself and think , okay , how

15:13

am I feeling ? And if you feel that

15:15

tension , just breathe . Start

15:17

becoming aware . Don't make it wrong

15:19

, but start to acknowledge

15:22

that ha , I

15:24

need some tools to help me heal

15:27

my body connection . I need to breathe

15:29

here . I need to find

15:31

some tools to help

15:33

me heal this . You know this

15:35

, this my nervous system

15:37

that is overreacting , and

15:40

a great program to help you start with

15:42

that . If you are interested , it's

15:44

called reclaim your power . It's in the resources

15:46

section . I've made it specifically for this

15:48

. So that's something

15:51

you can do . You know

15:53

you can also go for walks . You know

15:55

breathe . You know try and do the things

15:57

that help your body calm

16:00

and relax without judgment , as

16:02

if you shouldn't be feeling like this . No judgment

16:04

, you're not allowed to do that . The

16:07

second thing you should start

16:09

doing is processing your emotions

16:11

that come up , and

16:14

I really truly believe that

16:16

you need to look around

16:19

you and see are you

16:21

connecting with people that understand

16:23

, who will hear you

16:25

and understand that you

16:27

are on a healing journey , or not there just

16:30

to moan and hang around with people and just keep

16:32

moaning ? But you're there to heal

16:34

. If you are

16:36

allowing your emotions to come

16:38

up , it's and processing them

16:40

is about processing emotions

16:43

to let go , to let go of

16:45

how bad and sad

16:47

you feel deep down , to

16:49

let go of the guilt you have carried

16:51

, that fear of failure . It's

16:53

about acknowledging yes , this

16:56

did happen to me . Yes

16:59

, and this is what I'm dealing

17:01

with . Become aware

17:03

of the wound that is invisible

17:05

and make it visible to yourself

17:08

. Now , you can also

17:10

do this with a trauma therapist or

17:12

, if you need to , you

17:15

know that that's always useful . But

17:17

if you can't do that , for whatever

17:19

reason , then connect to

17:21

other people in some way . Don't

17:24

isolate yourself , because

17:26

science has revealed that trauma , to

17:28

heal trauma , you need oxytocin

17:31

. And what is oxytocin is

17:33

a hormone that we generate

17:35

within our own bodies

17:37

and it's the love hormone

17:39

. Okay , and it one way

17:42

is to connect in a loving

17:44

way to a community of people who understand

17:47

what you're going through . And

17:49

if this is something you want , you know you can have

17:51

a look in the resources section , and

17:54

I do have a heal to thrive program . But

17:56

find ways . If you can't do

17:58

that , find ways of

18:00

connecting . And it's

18:03

so important to have

18:05

self compassion , love

18:08

and knowing that where

18:10

you are is understandable given

18:13

the scenario that you've been in . It's

18:16

understandable to be stuck in the past

18:18

. Please is understandable

18:21

to be stuck in the past . This

18:23

is the first important part of understanding

18:26

this trauma and actually beginning

18:28

to recover . Start acknowledging

18:30

this is what I'm dealing with and

18:33

I need to take care of the wounds

18:35

that I'm carrying inside of myself

18:38

. So my wish for you

18:40

today is that you be kind

18:42

to yourself , understanding and

18:45

start cultivating self

18:47

love , because you really are worth

18:49

it , or

18:52

till next time , sending

18:54

you so much love .