0:00

Let's say , you really want to get your confidence

0:02

back you really after a

0:04

difficult or toxic relationship

0:06

and you feel like where would I be

0:08

if I hadn't lost those years

0:10

? Or you have regret over losing

0:13

time and losing out on whatever

0:15

it was that you were doing before . Where

0:17

would you be right now ? We are going to go

0:19

really deep in this video . We're

0:21

going to look at three deep questions that you're

0:23

probably asking yourself . One is why

0:26

are you even self-isolating ? Two

0:28

, the impacts of that isolation

0:31

that you've been through . And three , what

0:34

do you do to actually make the

0:36

most of your life today so

0:38

that you heal , so that you don't

0:40

lose out on any more time , no more

0:42

regrets over time . You make the most of

0:44

all your time moving forward . Firstly , I

0:47

really wanna thank you for being here

0:49

. Look , you're here . You're

0:51

listening to this podcast , you're watching

0:53

this video . You are actually

0:55

committed to yourself and you're part of

0:58

this community and by the

1:00

end of this video , by the end of this

1:02

podcast , you are actually going

1:04

to feel like a part

1:06

of you is healed because you would have a

1:08

greater understanding . So

1:10

today we're going to be really devoting attention

1:12

to the impact . We're really

1:15

going to be looking at the experience that

1:17

you have been through , through the difficult relationship

1:20

, and really dig deep . We're going to look at

1:22

what happened to you not what

1:24

do we need to do to fix , as

1:26

if there's something wrong with you , but really understanding

1:29

what happened to you . Traditional

1:32

therapy actually looks at what is wrong

1:34

so then we can fix it . That's not

1:37

the right way . The most

1:39

important question you can ask so

1:41

that you can make sense and actually for change

1:43

to occur is what happened

1:46

? Then we're going to look at the research

1:48

, we're going to look at facts . We're looking at evidence

1:51

and making sense of everything

1:53

for you so you can apply

1:55

it to yourself in the real world

1:57

, for your experience , and that

1:59

will give you an understanding why the

2:02

system doesn't understand the impact . Maybe

2:04

your friends , maybe your family don't really understand

2:07

the impact it's had on you and

2:09

so that we don't continue to minimize

2:12

the impact just because we don't see

2:14

bruises or wounds

2:16

on us , that doesn't mean

2:18

that it's not real . The trauma isn't real

2:20

just because it's invisible . We

2:23

don't want to dismiss it . Before

2:25

we start , I really want to bust

2:28

one myth right . Just

2:30

because you might look like

2:32

you're having a great life , it might look like

2:34

you've got a really good car , you've got a nice family

2:37

or whatever it is . It doesn't mean

2:39

that you haven't secretly

2:41

been experiencing a really difficult

2:44

relationship and it's been tough

2:46

. There's been so much trauma and

2:48

difficulties . Sometimes

2:51

people can judge us by

2:53

the car we drive or the house

2:55

we live in , but this isn't

2:57

an issue . This doesn't depict

3:00

whether you've been in a difficult or

3:02

a tough life or not . This

3:05

scenario of living in

3:07

difficult relationships and the trauma

3:09

that it impacts this is something

3:11

that goes across all society . So

3:14

I really want you to know , no matter

3:17

how things look to the

3:19

outside world , you are not alone

3:21

. You really are not

3:23

alone . Sometimes

3:25

, having to pretend everything is okay

3:27

in a community , in family circles

3:30

, is so lonely and

3:33

this is because we're hiding

3:35

, we have to keep everything

3:37

a secret that actually we are being traumatized

3:40

and yet we have to be seen to

3:43

be okay . We're seen to be okay

3:45

. You're not alone in that

3:47

. When we're in relationships where

3:49

one person has a tendency of

3:51

wanting power and control over other

3:53

people , it's something that

3:55

happens on a constant , everyday

3:58

moment . Even if you're going out

4:00

to bread , you will find that it has

4:02

to be the bread that they like

4:04

, the way they want it . It's

4:06

got to be what they want . In every

4:09

single interaction . They

4:11

need to be in control and

4:13

have the power over somebody . So

4:16

one thing I would say to you , if

4:18

you have found that you have lost confidence

4:20

to go out into the world or you've

4:23

got more anxiety than you used to

4:25

, is to really start

4:28

to observe . You will start to notice

4:30

that they are surprised

4:33

when you bring up that

4:35

the way you're being treated or when

4:37

you want your needs met , that

4:40

it's a surprise to them

4:42

that you actually , that they're doing

4:44

anything , and that in itself

4:47

can make you feel withdrawn . That

4:49

is when you can start to observe and see

4:51

, huh , it's a different rule

4:53

for them and it's a different rule for me

4:55

, and it's really important

4:57

to observe all the different things

5:00

. So if you are , for instance , going out

5:02

to buy some bread , it has to be

5:04

the bread they want . It

5:06

doesn't , it's not , you're not

5:08

, you don't matter in this , it's always

5:10

their bread . What they want

5:12

this is entitlement

5:15

. They have normalized

5:17

in your life . They have

5:19

normalized being difficult

5:22

, doing what they want

5:24

, having their needs met without

5:27

having concern or care

5:29

for what other people want . So

5:31

when this gets normalized

5:34

for them , that gets normalized

5:36

for you . We can just sort

5:38

of fit in to try and keep

5:40

the peace . So if you are

5:42

or have been part of a culture

5:45

or a community , or

5:47

maybe it's because of your conditioning

5:49

, then we disconnect

5:53

with what's happening behind

5:55

closed doors , which is

5:57

difficult . Maybe there's trauma

5:59

on a daily basis and

6:01

what is being portrayed on

6:08

a daily basis and what is being portrayed , there's a disconnect , and sometimes

6:10

it can be poles apart of what's being projected into the

6:12

world and what's really happening

6:14

, the amount of disrespect that's going

6:17

on . So this creates

6:19

deep loneliness , huge

6:22

amount of loneliness , because there's a disconnect

6:24

and it's not obvious why

6:27

we start to isolate . But

6:30

it is one of the main reasons

6:32

why we start to isolate

6:34

Because of the feelings

6:36

that are created because of the disconnect

6:39

. It takes so much

6:41

energy to do

6:43

something where , if you

6:45

are an authentic person , you want

6:47

to be real , you want to be who you really

6:49

are , for you to have this division

6:52

, this divide . It takes

6:54

its toll on you because it takes so

6:56

much energy to be

6:59

, to act as though you're

7:01

okay when deep down

7:03

you're not . So when you're out

7:06

with people , you're actually really

7:08

lonely because you're not really

7:10

deeply connecting authentically

7:12

with another person . Because

7:14

we need that feeling

7:17

of really deep connection and sometimes

7:19

you know you don't need to be in a relationship where

7:22

there's deep knowing

7:24

and understanding of each other . You

7:26

can actually deeply connect with somebody

7:28

just through being

7:30

authentically you , as real

7:33

as you can be , even in an

7:35

interaction such as , you know , smiling

7:37

at somebody and saying hello in the morning to

7:40

a stranger . But there's still that connection that you feel with that

7:42

person . And sometimes that connection that you feel with that person

7:44

and sometimes that connection that

7:46

you feel with that person , that stranger

7:49

that you don't even know and you've said hello , can

7:51

feel so much more than

7:54

the relationship that you might have

7:56

with someone for 10 years . So

7:58

the person that's causing the trauma or

8:01

is being difficult , they will

8:03

think this is normal to have

8:05

one you know . Show

8:07

the world one thing you

8:10

know so this is like a narcissistic trait

8:12

and then actually

8:14

do something completely different and be

8:16

a different person . Behind closed doors , where

8:19

their mask has slipped off , they

8:21

don't actually see what they're doing

8:23

is actually causing harm . I

8:25

know it sounds crazy . What's

8:27

really happening in reality for you

8:29

and

8:49

this causes a real feeling

8:51

of isolation . Even when you

8:53

have lots of people around you , you

8:56

can feel really deeply alone . So

8:58

let's now look at number two . See

9:01

, the people who abuse

9:04

or cause trauma for other people

9:06

strongly believe they are doing

9:09

nothing wrong . Okay , and

9:11

that sounds crazy to us , especially

9:13

when we see some of the things that they do

9:15

, but they feel

9:18

like they have this aura

9:20

about them as though they're protected

9:22

, they've done nothing wrong and if

9:24

someone brings up what they have

9:26

done , say I don't know , the system comes

9:29

and arrests them , for instance , they

9:31

will fit . They will look

9:34

at them as though that you know they

9:36

are a victim . They will become that victim

9:39

, even if you know they have traumatized

9:42

somebody that's you know is

9:45

actually a victim , like a child

9:47

or someone . So when there's

9:49

a difficult person and they get caught

9:51

, they do have a huge amount of

9:53

fear , but their fear

9:55

is usually masked with anger

9:58

or sadness or rage

10:00

or defiance or being

10:03

a victim , it could go

10:05

, but it's all masked

10:07

. It's as though they've done nothing wrong

10:10

. And it is really

10:12

really baffling for us that

10:14

their reaction is so

10:16

extremely like no , I haven't

10:18

done anything wrong , and that's

10:20

where the gaslighting is

10:23

so prominent , and

10:25

that further isolates us . I

10:27

just want you to really consider

10:29

the impact of this on you , but

10:32

the isolation is massive

10:35

because it happens within yourself

10:37

. Let me explain this

10:40

. When we start to question

10:42

ourself huh , is

10:44

this true ? Did it really happen ? Am

10:46

I the person that should be to blame

10:48

? Am I overreacting ? What

10:50

if I hadn't done this ? They wouldn't have done

10:52

that . I'm the needy one . I

10:54

push them to do it . This happens all

10:57

the time , even when it's obvious

10:59

and it can't be denied , where

11:01

there's physical abuse . Yet

11:04

when you're in a relationship with a toxic

11:06

person or a difficult person , there's

11:08

a real total disconnect

11:10

from their part on what they're

11:13

doing is actually harmful

11:15

, and that's why , when you're having a conversation

11:17

with them and you're trying

11:20

to explain to them this is the impact of what

11:22

you're doing and you're really desperately trying

11:24

to make them understand what they're doing

11:26

isn't okay . They will

11:28

have this response where you

11:31

will then get further abused

11:34

or be told that you're the

11:36

wrong person , and they have this real

11:38

level of arrogance . And it gets to

11:40

this point where we then start

11:42

to normalize and accept that

11:44

behavior because they aren't

11:47

phased by what they've done , they're

11:49

not reacting in the way that

11:51

they understand what has

11:53

happened and they're not verifying

11:56

what has happened . Now . This is why some

11:58

of us can get really stuck in wanting

12:00

them to accept or apologize

12:03

or acknowledge what

12:05

they have done to us because of

12:07

this particular , the impact

12:09

it has on us . The impact

12:11

it is having on you is that they've got a real

12:14

defiance . They don't even understand

12:16

why you're even bringing it up , and the impact

12:18

it has on you is that you're disconnecting

12:21

within yourself and you're starting to question

12:23

yourself . That's the pain

12:25

. That's where you're isolating

12:27

yourself from you almost . That

12:30

you're isolating , you're almost

12:32

being separated

12:34

, and it's in those moments

12:36

the impact of their behavior you

12:39

are . That

12:41

isolation from yourself is like the last

12:43

straw . It's really really tough

12:45

, where then you can't trust

12:48

your own experience anymore . And

12:50

I really want you to remember this , because this

12:52

will make sense at a later date

12:55

when we look what we're going to go on to number three

12:57

, where

13:02

we look at the science behind all of this , behind isolation , and it's really going

13:04

to give you a major aha moment and hopefully , some healing of the back of it

13:06

as well , through the understanding , because

13:09

they're so adamant , because they

13:11

believe they've done nothing wrong , because

13:14

they come across in all their communication

13:17

as if they are the victim and

13:19

, in essence , they're still traumatizing

13:22

you and pretending to

13:24

be the one

13:26

that's the victim and that you're the bad one

13:28

. You might have even heard things

13:31

like you know it's your fault

13:33

, you know you didn't love me enough , that's

13:35

why I cheated on you . Or

13:37

is your fault , I gambled

13:39

all the money away because you didn't manage

13:41

me . You know this actual

13:44

response . This way , when

13:46

we get to the point where they're gaslighting

13:49

us in this way , where there's the real

13:51

confusion going on , it

13:53

really is a form of dehumanization

13:56

going

14:01

on . It really is a form of dehumanization . Dehumanization is basically disconnecting

14:04

and accepting yourself as a human being who has basic

14:06

needs , and it's normalizing

14:09

it that you don't have needs

14:11

. It's so incredibly lonely

14:13

. When that dehumanization

14:16

occurs , the likelihood of trauma

14:18

increasing the relationship increases

14:21

so much because now you're

14:24

disconnected to your own truth

14:26

and your own experiences and what's happening

14:28

to you as well . But now let's

14:30

look at number three , which is the science

14:33

behind it all . We need to look at what happens

14:35

when human beings are put into isolation

14:38

. When you've been in a difficult

14:40

relationship , you have been isolated

14:42

from other , trying to take away people from

14:45

you that support you , and we need

14:47

to see the impact of this . It's

14:50

huge , okay . So if you're going

14:52

through a phase where somebody is

14:54

going around . You know you've done one

14:56

bad thing in your life and they're going

14:59

around trying to make you out to be

15:01

the bad person , blaming

15:03

you for everything , and it's absolutely ridiculous

15:05

. Normally , when we've been in

15:07

difficult relationships , they have all been

15:10

isolating . They are isolating

15:12

and at the same time , you're

15:14

doing most of the work

15:17

. You may be working more than they

15:19

are . You're taking more responsibilities

15:21

than they are that you might

15:23

be taking the financial responsibilities

15:26

, the home life responsibilities , the

15:29

emotional welfare of the family it might

15:31

be lots of different things that you're doing . Doing

15:39

you're working harder and you're also getting punished , so nothing you're doing

15:41

is good enough in their eyes , and they're getting everybody else to think of

15:43

you in a bad way as well . They're going

15:45

around telling people

15:47

oh yeah , they did this to me , this

15:49

is what happened when it's not really appropriate

15:52

for them to do it . So then

15:54

what happens is sometimes you start

15:56

to work harder to get their approval , because

15:59

you don't want any drama , you just want peace

16:01

and harmony . Well , I want

16:03

to share some research

16:06

that you might have already come across . In

16:08

the late 70s , there's a research

16:10

psychologist . His name was Harry

16:13

Harlow . His most famous

16:15

work was with monkey experiments

16:17

was

16:22

so . The results of

16:24

isolation was so terrible

16:27

for the monkeys that the work

16:29

was actually heavily criticized later

16:31

, and rightly so , because it's almost

16:34

as though they you know , the monkeys were getting

16:36

tortured . So I really want you to

16:38

take that on board for a second . It's

16:40

like torture being isolated from

16:43

other people , and it

16:45

really puts into context

16:48

what isolation does and why

16:50

isolating people from others , you

16:52

know , is so

16:55

trauma-based

16:57

. There's so much trauma that somebody is inflicting

16:59

on another human being . So

17:01

let's look at the impact on the monkeys

17:04

and what he did . He did

17:06

it over time , yeah , so there was

17:08

some monkeys that were

17:10

isolated partially or fully

17:12

over different timeframes

17:15

, like three , six , nine , 12 months

17:18

. After three months they were

17:20

starting to self-soothe . You could see they

17:22

were doing behaviors like rocking or

17:25

self-clutching , and after

17:27

six months they didn't want to eat . Now

17:30

, which animal , if you put food

17:32

in front of them , doesn't want to eat ? You

17:34

know , this is the basic need

17:36

for survival . So what that

17:38

means and they had to be force-fed . What

17:42

that is basically telling us is that

17:44

when we are isolated , we

17:47

don't want to live anymore . There's a

17:49

part of us that starts to give up . The

17:52

other thing was that they weren't emotionally responsive

17:55

. They become emotionally numb . So

17:58

just really , for a

18:00

moment , take that on board . When

18:02

people are isolating you from others

18:05

, when you feel isolated

18:07

from others for whatever reason , you

18:10

can get to a point where it can really

18:12

impact you emotionally and

18:14

also your want

18:17

to live . Because

18:19

if you and I really want to bring this up because

18:21

if you have been in a difficult relationship

18:23

and you have been isolated

18:25

from people that you love , even though you might not

18:27

have the physical wounds on you , it

18:29

hurts . This is real

18:32

, the impact of this is

18:34

real . So you might where

18:36

you might not . You used to be

18:38

this go-getter . You had so

18:41

much to give . You were energized

18:43

once , this person , but now you

18:46

might not have that anymore and

18:48

I want you to know that this

18:50

isn't you . This is the impact

18:52

of what you have experienced

18:55

, what you have been through . So

18:57

if people tell you to just get over

18:59

something or just to get on with something

19:01

, it's really not that easy . So

19:04

people have to take on board

19:06

what isolation does

19:08

. Much more seriously , you

19:11

know , sometimes people think , oh , there's no harm

19:13

done . All they did was , you know

19:15

, just say some bad things about

19:18

you . They just , you know told

19:20

lies about you , or they

19:23

just went and really , you know , told everyone

19:25

about some of the mistakes that you'd made so that

19:27

they could isolate you and make you look like

19:29

a bad person . Oh , there's no real

19:32

harm done . But what you're really

19:34

dealing with is something much

19:36

deeper . I mean , this is really

19:38

cruel behavior when you really look at

19:40

it . When you're dealing with the impacts

19:43

of isolation just

19:45

to keep a relationship

19:48

, this toxic relationship , intact

19:50

. It's really a power

19:52

and control move that is very , very

19:54

cruel . So let's look at

19:56

more about what happened

19:59

to the monkeys . Yeah , in

20:01

terms of the impact , they started to feel

20:03

helpless and the impacts

20:05

lasted . So

20:08

you have to assume that until

20:10

you , you know , can heal

20:12

the impacts , there might be helplessness

20:14

, a feeling of hopelessness that

20:17

keeps coming back , and

20:19

they had to relearn . The monkeys

20:21

had to relearn how to reenter

20:23

into social interaction

20:25

where they felt safe

20:27

. You know , monkeys started showing self-harming

20:30

behaviors . So if you are actually

20:33

sabotaging yourself or doing

20:35

self-sabotaging behaviors , it's really understandable

20:38

, because there's a sense of fear

20:40

in socializing and putting yourself

20:42

out there that you might not have experienced

20:45

before , and I'll explain a little bit more

20:47

in a moment about the fear part , and

20:49

this is very , very important . So

20:51

if we look at also solitary

20:54

confinement , so if we look

20:56

at some prisoners that have been through that , we

20:59

can actually see some of the results of that

21:01

. Actually , 40 to 50 times

21:03

more is

21:05

normal for most prisoners that have

21:07

had solitary confinement

21:09

to have symptoms of post-traumatic

21:12

stress disorder and they

21:14

become more reclusive , they become more

21:16

socially withdrawn even when they're free

21:19

and they have self-harming behaviors

21:22

during and after prison and

21:24

they're more aggressive . So

21:26

there's a tendency to

21:28

have depression , anger , anxiety

21:31

, obsessive thoughts and

21:33

underneath all of this you

21:36

can see that if you have been

21:38

in an isolating situation or you've been isolated

21:41

in any way in your life , that

21:43

you will need to heal this so that

21:45

you can make the most of your life . It's really

21:47

not about there's a problem with you

21:49

. It's just there's a problem because

21:52

of what you've experienced and it needs

21:54

to be taken more seriously . And

21:56

another way of really looking at

21:58

the symptom of solitary confinement

22:02

is that the brains of the inmates . They showed

22:05

that there was decreased

22:08

brain neural activity

22:10

and what that really means is

22:12

that it

22:15

impacts us . Isolation

22:19

impacts us on

22:21

a psychological , emotional

22:24

and on a brain level . It takes its toll on

22:26

us and the mortality

22:28

rate actually dramatically

22:30

goes up . I think it was about 50 to 100

22:33

times more . That

22:35

there was more in

22:37

terms of the research . After

22:39

solitary confinement there

22:41

were more people that suffered

22:44

through that as well , so they were more

22:46

likely to you know , to experience

22:48

death . So if you look

22:50

at what Harlow says in a quote

22:52

in terms of his findings , I'll

22:54

read this out for you the findings of

22:56

the various total isolation and

22:59

semi-isolation studies of

23:01

monkeys suggest that

23:03

sufficiently severe and enduring

23:05

early isolation reduces these

23:08

animals to social emotional

23:11

level in which the primary

23:13

social responsiveness is fear . So

23:15

let's boil it down Basically

23:18

when we have been in

23:20

isolation partial

23:23

or full isolation of any kind

23:25

, partial

23:29

or full isolation of any kind we are going to experience more fear . We're going to feel more

23:31

fear even when you're out of the relationship

23:34

. So where do we go from

23:36

here ? How do we

23:38

heal ? So if we look at Harlow's

23:40

experiment , fear is the main

23:42

outcome , but it's fear

23:44

that leads us to social

23:46

withdrawal . It's fear that drives everything

23:49

. Fear is what is

23:51

leading us to self-sabotaging behavior

23:53

and if you look at your life

23:55

, you probably can see this clearly

23:58

, that you can now make sense of

24:00

your own experience , that

24:03

you might feel more fear around

24:05

social interactions . You're trying

24:08

to avoid relationships now

24:10

because you've got a fear of

24:12

you don't want to be triggered

24:15

or you don't want to find

24:17

more relationships where you get , you

24:20

know , some sort

24:22

of trauma from the back of it . So

24:26

you , just going through this whole video with

24:29

me , will know now it's

24:31

not you and it makes sense

24:33

of what happened to you is

24:36

it's not you , that you're

24:38

not someone that just has more fear and more

24:41

anxiety , as if there's something wrong with you

24:43

. This is a result of the experience

24:45

that you've been through , and now

24:47

the most important thing you can do is

24:49

release your fear . You

24:52

see , you can become the

24:54

person that you were meant to be and

24:56

understand . Okay , the effects of

24:58

this other person on me was it's created

25:00

more fear , but

25:03

on the flip side , when

25:06

we have been through a difficult relationship

25:08

, we can become a better person

25:11

too . Well , because

25:13

we can now understand the effects

25:15

on other people . Now , when

25:17

you're going out into the world , you can

25:19

see you can understand somebody

25:22

else now who might have been

25:24

in a toxic relationship or might

25:26

have been isolated , because

25:28

now you have an understanding

25:30

. And what does understanding create

25:33

? It creates compassion , it

25:35

creates connection . So

25:37

maybe now you can connect

25:40

to more people than you ever

25:42

have done , because you're

25:44

becoming more aware of everything

25:46

, instead of neglecting

25:48

your own needs , which is isolation

25:51

. Just in this video alone

25:53

, you have connected , not

25:55

just with me , but a community that

25:57

has watched this , and now you're

25:59

already healing because you are

26:02

creating compassion and

26:04

understanding for yourself and

26:07

in so , you're learning and you're understanding

26:09

others who have been through this

26:11

too , and you're connecting

26:14

with me , who , too , has

26:16

been through this experience . So

26:18

you're already healing and

26:21

you do deserve love , you do

26:23

deserve understanding , you do

26:25

deserve compassion . And

26:27

what do you need to douse

26:30

fear with Love

26:32

? There's only love and

26:34

fear . Ultimately , you

26:37

can come from a space of love for yourself

26:39

now , instead of coming from a

26:41

space of fear . It's

26:43

actually thinking and wondering

26:46

how can I help another

26:48

person who might have been

26:50

through something like that and go and give them

26:52

that hug , go and connect

26:54

on some level , you know

26:56

, subscribe to this channel and be

26:58

part of this community . That

27:00

, too , is connecting

27:03

and looking at ways

27:05

of now , of healing your fear

27:08

, moving forward . How can you

27:10

heal your fear ? One , you

27:12

can be much more understanding and more loving

27:14

towards yourself , moving forward

27:16

and actually , secondly

27:18

, if you're really wanting to go deep , do

27:21

look into the resources section and

27:23

look for more ways of supporting

27:25

so that you can heal

27:27

your fear , moving forward

27:30

and taking it seriously . I

27:33

am sending you so much love

27:35

. I really hope this has really

27:37

helped you understand and reflect on

27:40

what might be happening for you or

27:42

what has happened for you , so

27:44

that you can see it's not you

27:46

, but it is a matter of just

27:48

conquering your fear , moving

27:51

forward . I'm sending you so much

27:53

love . Keep being loving

27:55

Till next time .