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Welcome , welcome , welcome . This is Dr Eman

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Kaur , and each week we will bring you an

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important message as we explore

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how to detox toxic

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relationships . The aim of this podcast

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is for you to unlock your own

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inner knowing , your own inner

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greatness , so you can know how

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to heal from the impact of a toxic

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relationship , so you can get your life

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back on track and live your

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best life . After all , we

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are all worthy of loving our life

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. Why do we

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feel so unstabilized by the

0:32

narcissist ? Lots

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of people ask me this question and sometimes I

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get really frustrated about this

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. So we're gonna really unpack this . Narcissism

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happens in cycles and

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you might already know the

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cycles . Yet , no matter

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how much you know about

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narcissism , the

1:02

body , because it keeps score

1:05

of everything , it's trained

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to hope that things

1:10

will change . There

1:12

is a chemical , biological

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reason why , even

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though you logically know everything

1:19

, it's not a logical game

1:22

. This in terms of healing from

1:24

the trauma of narcissistic abuse

1:26

and because

1:29

we have got this hope

1:31

that things will change . The

1:34

problem is we still get hit

1:36

really hard , even though

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we consciously know that

1:40

this is a cycle . It's gonna come again

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, and I've

1:44

heard so many times people say look , I

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know that this is the cycle

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, I know , but yeah , I still

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get sucked in . Why is that

1:53

? Why am I getting so frustrated and angry

1:55

with themselves ? The

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problem is that destabilization

2:00

, that feeling of getting hit out

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of nowhere because we didn't see

2:04

it coming , even though we

2:06

knew the process and we

2:08

know the cycle . That

2:10

hit has been caused because there's

2:12

trauma . And

2:18

this is a problem

2:20

, because we believe that all these things

2:22

, you

2:24

know that all knowing and understanding

2:27

everything and being educated on it I

2:29

should know everything

2:31

, but actually you just need

2:33

some of the right tools so

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you can actually turn all that trauma

2:38

into something that

2:40

is going to be something that you

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can be one of the greatest

2:45

things that you've ever done . You

2:47

see , the thing about traumatic

2:50

divorce is that

2:52

during any kind

2:55

of divorce or separation

2:57

, there is really

2:59

an immense healing

3:03

and empowerment . Through

3:05

healing and becoming confident again

3:07

, you see your

3:10

authenticity . Who you truly

3:12

are is your superpower . You

3:14

have some incredible superpowers . Every

3:16

single person has

3:18

their unique skill set , their

3:20

talents . You too . You

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too have your superpower

3:25

, even though it might feel like

3:28

, oh no , I don't

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feel like it , I feel so broken

3:32

. No , you have a superpower

3:35

and you have to admit that

3:38

. Perhaps you know this relationship

3:40

didn't work out and

3:42

maybe you picked wrong in this scenario

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and maybe you have some trauma

3:47

that you have to heal , and

3:50

then you can actually start

3:52

to get back up and start enjoying

3:55

the journey of life . You

3:57

then , because you're in joy

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, you're happy , your

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joy is infectious , people around

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you will enjoy being around

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you . Unfortunately , when

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we're around toxic people , they

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drain us and , even though

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you're trying to pretend that everything's okay

4:15

, people notice when you're genuinely

4:18

feeling happy and

4:20

then everything will be good

4:22

for you because you're in a good

4:25

space , you're being

4:27

yourself and you're enjoying life . There

4:30

is a quote , actually , that

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we overestimate what

4:35

we can do in one year and

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we underestimate what we can do

4:39

in ten . Really

4:41

, truly , we need to go at this

4:43

in terms of the long game

4:46

. We really

4:48

need to look at what is it

4:50

that you want to achieve in the

4:52

next ten years ? And it's really important

4:54

to adopt this now so you

4:56

have control of what your next ten years

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is going to look like or your next five

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years is going to look like . You

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don't have to get everything done this

5:05

year or done now , but

5:07

you really need to look at the long term

5:10

and say , okay , if I heal myself

5:12

. What am I working towards in

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like ten years ? Think

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about what you've been through in the last ten

5:20

years . How many times have people

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risen and fallen , how

5:24

many times has the market gone up and down

5:26

? How many times have people

5:28

made lots of money and lost

5:30

lots of money ? What we've

5:32

got to do is really be in

5:34

the long game and say

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I'm going to be consistent and

5:39

I'm going to work at everything and

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enjoy the journey to being authentic

5:44

, to being me , because

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it's so much easier when you've got . You're

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just being you . You're allowed to be you

5:51

, you're free to be you . You can

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then turn your whole life

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around . Every time you're going to

5:57

having to worry about who

5:59

you're going to be , every time

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you're having to walk into work and

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then put on a facade and worrying

6:06

about being somebody that

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you're not , every time you're

6:10

having to put on a show

6:12

and pretend you're happy , going

6:14

out with a narcissist , but actually you're worried

6:17

about the journey back because they're going to pick

6:19

on something . It is exhausting

6:21

. If you can't be

6:24

your authentic self , how are you going

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to enjoy the journey ? How can you

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ever experience joy

6:30

? But if you

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can , people around you

6:34

, people that you love , that

6:36

truly love . They will

6:39

enjoy the journey with you . They will love

6:41

being around you , and that's

6:43

when you will start to add value to

6:45

other people's life , because

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you're starting to value who you

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are . You don't have to

6:52

search outside of yourself for things

6:54

to numb

6:57

yourself . You

6:59

really want to be able to really enjoy

7:02

who you are and like who you

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are . Do you like who

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you are ? Are you enjoying who

7:08

you are ? When you can start feeling the

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power within you to

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actually change anything , to forgive

7:14

anything , to co-create

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an incredible life within

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yourself , then everything gets super

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exciting and that's when

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stuff can come together , no matter where

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you are in your journey of recovering

7:28

from narcissistic abuse , then

7:30

everybody around you will start feeling

7:33

good just being around you because

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you're being at your best . That's

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when you can be a real service to

7:40

the world from just you being you

7:43

. And you being a service to the world is

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you being able to service yourself

7:48

first , you're actually getting your

7:50

needs met . You're being you

7:52

. You're actually allowing yourself to have

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your needs met . Every

7:58

time a tree is planted

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and it's

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a tree that actually brings fruit , it's

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a fruit that can nourish

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many , many people , fruits

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that lots and lots of people

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can enjoy If

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we have a seed and we're traumatized

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by this relationship or something

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else that's happened , we never

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get the opportunity to plant

8:25

that seed and allow it to grow

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and produce the fruit that we want to share

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with other people , the greatness that is within

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you . I really want you to

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think what is

8:36

it that you're feeling bad about ? What

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do you feel ashamed about ? Get really

8:42

real with yourself . What do you feel guilty

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about ? Perhaps

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it's time to forgive yourself this year

8:50

, 2023 . Rather

8:52

than making excuses for other people's behavior

8:55

because you wanted

8:58

somebody to be there

9:00

for you when you made mistakes . You

9:04

don't have to carry

9:07

that guilt and the shame

9:09

anymore of some of the mistakes that you've

9:11

made and then allow

9:13

a narcissist to actually

9:16

weaponize that against

9:18

you the fact that you have

9:20

your . You're

9:22

forgiving . You want to give people

9:24

a chance . They're weaponizing

9:27

that against you because you once

9:29

did something and

9:32

that you wish you hadn't done , and

9:35

now you're forgiving

9:37

them all the time because you've got compassion

9:40

and understanding for other people

9:42

. It's time to really

9:44

turn that inward and actually

9:46

have compassion and understanding for yourself

9:48

and be

9:50

there for people who really want

9:53

a chance . It's

9:55

not about judging the narcissist

9:57

and making them out to be a bad

9:59

person . It's about recognizing

10:02

that you deserve

10:04

forgiveness within yourself first

10:06

, because you

10:08

want it to become a better person . It's okay

10:10

for you not to carry the

10:13

pain anymore and

10:15

really forgive yourself for carrying that pain

10:17

around . If

10:20

people are being really real

10:22

with you , they can see their

10:24

mistakes and they are

10:26

looking for a way forward

10:29

. That's enough . You

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know , if you've made a mistake and you've changed

10:33

your ways and you want to be a better person

10:36

, that's enough for forgiveness

10:38

. Forgiveness is

10:40

about letting go of the pain

10:42

. That's what forgiveness is

10:44

about , and we have to really

10:46

be authentic , which

10:49

means you being authentic

10:51

with yourself . If someone is breaking

10:54

you down and making

10:56

you feel bad about you , your

10:58

authentic self , they

11:01

are taking away power from

11:03

within you . Your power

11:05

is your authenticity . Your

11:08

authenticity is your power

11:10

. That's all you need

11:12

in life that somebody

11:15

that can be real with you . They

11:17

are willing to be authentic and say

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you know what I messed up here and

11:21

I want to change this moving forward

11:24

. Not everything is your fault

11:26

. If you could pass

11:28

on what you really truly stand for , I

11:30

really want you to take a moment

11:33

and you might want to pause this in

11:35

between and really reflect

11:37

through this . If you

11:39

could pass on what you truly

11:41

stand for to other people . What

11:45

would it be ? What

11:47

would you pass on to the world

11:49

? What would you want everybody

11:51

to know ? What

11:55

is it that you want people to know about

11:57

the truth of life ? Those

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are your values , you

12:03

know . What is it that you really want people

12:06

to know and know

12:08

? You know , I want you

12:10

to know that you are deserving

12:12

of love . Start

12:16

living your

12:18

values Now

12:21

, every day , and

12:24

just start seeing the energy that

12:27

starts to come back into your life

12:29

. It will energize

12:31

you beyond measure . The

12:34

moment you can start giving yourself

12:37

and allowing yourself to

12:39

live by your values

12:41

, you will be allowed

12:43

to pass on your legacy . You're

12:46

living in your purpose and

12:49

I really want you to have a moment today

12:51

to think about the legacy that you're leaving

12:53

. It's your inheritance

12:55

. It's everything . It's

12:57

not about the physical things . Physical

13:00

things eventually die out . Let's

13:02

face it . Anything that you have

13:04

right now isn't going

13:06

to be there 10

13:09

generations down the line unlikely

13:12

. Or maybe 20

13:14

generations down the line . But

13:16

what about the emotional , psychological

13:18

and spiritual health ? Trauma

13:23

is passed down from generation

13:25

to generation , some

13:27

of the trauma that you might be dealing with and

13:29

the reasons why you've been in a toxic

13:31

relationship might be something

13:34

from 10 generations ago , from

13:36

your ancestors . So

13:38

what are you passing down ? What

13:41

emotional well-being

13:43

or health are you passing down generationally

13:46

? Psychological health

13:48

are you passing down through

13:51

the generations ? You see , your

13:53

healing is impacting

13:56

your family , not just your

13:58

children , if you have children

14:00

, but also your children's children

14:02

. And if you don't have children , people

14:05

around you , every

14:08

single person you love

14:10

you will be gone

14:12

. Every single person you love

14:14

, who they

14:16

love , is

14:19

not transformed . Whatever

14:21

isn't transformed within us is transferred

14:24

. We can really see

14:26

this in COVID

14:29

, and I remember when COVID

14:31

was happening I was thinking how

14:34

is it that we

14:36

can spread something so far and

14:38

wide and it adapts and it evolves

14:40

? That's trauma . That's pretty

14:42

much it goes Literally

14:45

. Trauma is just spread

14:47

everywhere and someone

14:49

else gets impacted by

14:51

it and then they spread it on to everybody

14:53

else . Whatever you're not transforming

14:55

and healing within yourself

14:58

is being transferred to

15:00

generations to come . So

15:04

think about what it is you

15:06

have been listening to , thinking

15:09

about feeling , and

15:14

is that something that you want to

15:17

pass on to your

15:19

future generations ? And

15:21

I think it's really an important

15:23

question . I remember thinking

15:27

about this myself

15:29

, where I

15:32

was standing in the kitchen and I

15:34

just thought is this what I

15:36

want my daughter to hear when

15:38

she's in

15:40

a relationship ? Do

15:42

I want my daughter to be listening to this

15:44

and feeling like this and

15:46

thinking the thoughts that I'm thinking and

15:49

seeing what I'm seeing

15:51

right now , and

15:54

I thought , okay , if I don't heal this , she's

15:58

going to experience the same thing . So

16:00

do things that are on purpose

16:03

, that align with your purpose , your

16:05

values , and not to people

16:07

, please . You can't people please

16:10

your way out of narcissistic abuse

16:12

. But are you doing

16:14

things your way ? Are you

16:16

aligning with what

16:18

it is that you want to

16:22

leave behind ? Are you healing

16:24

? What is it that you want

16:26

for the future ? And really

16:28

start working towards that in

16:30

everything you're doing . And

16:32

once you start getting aligned with

16:35

something much , much bigger , you

16:38

will start to heal , not

16:41

because you're trying to keep up with

16:44

everybody else and things like that

16:46

, but something that is incredibly

16:48

powerful , that makes you

16:50

want to jump out of bed and heal

16:52

and gives you the inspiration

16:54

and the energy to do something about

16:56

this . Then all

16:59

of this , every single

17:01

bit of pain that you have been through

17:04

, every single thing that

17:06

you have experienced , is

17:08

going to be well worth

17:10

it , because it's not just for you , it's

17:13

for your future generations , it's

17:15

for so many other people

17:17

. And then you're healing your

17:19

past , not just for yourself

17:21

. You're doing it for every single

17:24

person that you love , and

17:26

that every single person that you love loves

17:29

too , and it just keeps

17:31

going . And that's something

17:33

that I really would like for you to reflect

17:36

on your values and

17:38

start to think how can I live them now

17:40

? What is it that I need

17:42

to live right now ? Don't worry

17:44

about the narcissist . You will get

17:46

this power within you to

17:49

actually do what it is that is right

17:51

for you . What we're doing

17:53

is igniting your

17:55

inner guide

17:58

. You're igniting your inner power

18:00

to go . Yes , I

18:03

want to find a way to heal

18:05

from this . And if it is something that you

18:08

want to do , and you really do want to heal

18:10

this generationally , and

18:13

if you have got ancestral healing

18:15

that needs to happen as well , then you're probably

18:17

someone that would really benefit

18:19

from the heal to thrive program , which is a four

18:22

month program and

18:24

please look in the resources section

18:26

and if you do

18:28

qualify I do take a limited

18:30

number every month , but if you

18:32

qualify , it'd be great to be part

18:34

of your healing journey as well but

18:37

, most of all , please be loving

18:40

, kind and understanding towards

18:42

yourself . What you've been through is

18:44

something really difficult , but the way

18:46

to heal is to love yourself

18:49

better . It really is

18:51

. Love is the most powerful

18:54

healer there is . The more understanding

18:56

, the more compassion , the more love you

18:59

can bring to yourself , the more you

19:01

will heal Until next time

19:03

.