0:00

Welcome , welcome , welcome . This is Dr Eman

0:02

Kaur , and each week we will bring you an

0:04

important message as we explore

0:06

how to detox toxic

0:08

relationships . The aim of this podcast

0:11

is for you to unlock your own

0:13

inner knowing , your own inner

0:15

greatness , so you can know how

0:17

to heal from the impact of a toxic

0:20

relationship , so you can get your life

0:22

back on track and live your

0:24

best life . After all , we

0:26

are all worthy of loving our life

0:28

. One

0:36

of the major problems we

0:38

encounter after toxic relationships

0:41

is the ways we have to numb

0:43

and manage our emotions

0:45

. There are so many

0:47

ways that we do this . Sometimes

0:50

it's through emotional eating , sometimes

0:52

it's alcohol . There are so

0:54

many ways that we will do this

0:57

because we just find

0:59

it really hard to face up to the

1:01

pain of what we've been through . There

1:04

really is so much pain

1:07

, and the real reason we're trying

1:09

to do this is we're trying to hide

1:11

and not feel those

1:14

insecure feelings , the vulnerability

1:16

which tapped into

1:18

our triggers , and when we get

1:21

triggered by the narcissist

1:23

or anything else , we start

1:25

to worry about how we're

1:28

reacting . We start to worry

1:30

about the triggers and how we feel

1:32

and how we can be out of character

1:35

. This then causes more trauma

1:38

. So then trauma causes more

1:40

trauma and that's the reason why it gets harder

1:42

and harder to

1:45

recover . As we get older , emotional

1:48

eating becomes more exhausting , and

1:51

it's really understandable , for example

1:53

, if you are struggling with emotional

1:55

eating , this will then

1:57

create more trauma . When

1:59

you're not able to do what you

2:02

need to do because maybe

2:05

you're not able , you don't have as much energy

2:07

as you used to . It's

2:10

a way of sabotaging our self

2:12

. You're not able to

2:14

do what you was always

2:16

wanting to do and eventually you'll get into a position

2:19

where you'll feel like you're

2:21

not good enough . And then

2:23

another way might be

2:25

that you're not able to do what you were wanting

2:27

to do is creating reactive

2:29

abuse . So when

2:31

the narcissist says something to you

2:33

or when somebody else says something to you , the

2:36

trauma gets triggered and

2:38

you react out of

2:40

character . So a lot of times you're

2:44

not reacting , You're calm . You're

2:46

maybe in the phone

2:48

scenario where you're trying to appease them

2:51

, or you're in freeze . You're trying

2:53

not to react , you're trying to stay calm , stay

2:55

calm , stay calm . And then all of

2:57

a sudden you just blow up and

2:59

it's out of character for you For

3:02

instance , your partner's

3:04

cheating and they won't give

3:06

you the phone , and then the pain

3:09

of that means that you've just overreacted

3:11

. You've taken their phone and you've smashed

3:13

it and that's totally out

3:16

of character for you and you've never

3:18

done anything like that before . But

3:21

since it's a toxic relationship and now

3:23

you're reacting in

3:26

this way , you then start

3:28

to feel like you're

3:30

losing your head , you're losing who

3:32

you are . So this is an example

3:35

of how you've got the trauma and

3:37

it's creating more trauma where

3:40

you're then triggered . And

3:42

because you're triggered and you're

3:44

reacting out of character , that

3:46

then creates more trauma

3:48

for you . In the way , now you're

3:50

judging yourself and perhaps

3:52

you're reliving the way you

3:54

reacted and you're trying to make sense of it

3:57

and you're worried what will people think

3:59

of you ? And then that

4:01

trauma , that reaction , is

4:03

then used against you . Maybe your

4:05

children are taken away from you . Then

4:08

there's more trauma because of

4:10

the injustice of it all and it sounds

4:12

a bit dramatic , but I talk

4:14

to people that are dealing with these scenarios

4:16

day in and day out , where

4:18

they're even replaying how they've reacted

4:21

over and over in the head . If

4:23

you are going through a difficult scenario

4:25

, you really need to heal your traumas

4:28

so you don't get triggered . You

4:30

need to look after yourself so

4:33

you don't start to doubt who you

4:35

are , you don't start to doubt

4:37

the potential that you had . You don't

4:39

start to doubt the dreams that you once had

4:41

. Because of the deep pain

4:44

that the narcissist has created

4:46

for you , you're not going to be

4:48

able to do what you wanted

4:50

to do the main reason why

4:52

you put on this surf to fulfill

4:55

your dreams because of what's happened

4:57

with the narcissist . If you do

4:59

not want something you

5:02

know , if you don't want all your dreams to be shattered

5:04

because of this toxic relationship

5:07

, you really need to look at how

5:09

do you identify with yourself right now

5:12

. What is your current identity

5:14

and what is it that you want

5:16

to fulfill in your future ? Do

5:19

you even have a future vision anymore

5:21

or have you given up on it ? You

5:23

see , if your present trauma

5:26

is killing you , it's literally

5:28

destroying all the opportunities that you

5:30

have as well , and

5:33

then you start to give up all the happiness

5:36

and the potential for happiness . You start

5:38

to give up on the potential happiness , and

5:40

that's where we the future

5:43

depends on our ability

5:45

to deal with the trauma , because

5:47

trauma basically creates barriers

5:49

, barriers to creating

5:51

relationships , love , joy , happiness

5:54

, peace . Well

5:56

, we can't experience that , and that's all

5:58

because of the impact of trauma , and

6:01

sometimes we want

6:03

to move forward for a better

6:05

future , but the biggest

6:08

issue is that we no longer even

6:10

know what we want , because

6:13

we can't see a future like we once did

6:15

, and this is because part of the brain

6:17

called the hippocampus starts

6:19

to shrink . This

6:22

is a big thing , so the

6:25

best thing you can do is make a

6:27

decision , just make a decision

6:29

that you're going to start on

6:31

a journey so that you can see

6:33

beyond the struggle that you're currently

6:35

in , despite not not

6:38

knowing if it's possible or anything like

6:40

that , and we have to accept

6:42

this in the beginning , that it's not going to be easy

6:44

and we're going to have to put a lot of effort

6:46

in to actually Find

6:49

who you are again , because

6:52

you've got to try and get your hippocampus

6:54

back to where it was , you

6:57

know , and initially you

6:59

are going to have to put more effort in . It's like very

7:01

much like a train . You know a train

7:03

starts off slow and then you start to speed

7:05

up , but you have to invest more energy

7:08

, more time , more money , more

7:10

Focus in something

7:13

to start . And once you get going

7:15

and you start to uncover

7:17

the pain and you look at

7:19

all the emotions , the mindset you

7:21

start speeding up towards what it is that

7:23

you want , and then you look at taking

7:25

care of you . If

7:28

we can't take care of ourself , who

7:30

can we take care of ? You

7:32

are the most important person

7:35

in your life . Without you , there is nothing

7:37

, you can't experience anything , and

7:39

the transformation

7:41

is what happens within

7:44

your own mind During

7:46

a toxic relationship . You

7:48

, you realize that you hadn't

7:50

been acknowledged . And

7:53

the issue is you weren't

7:55

just acknowledged , you weren't just not

7:57

acknowledged and heard and seen by

8:00

the narcissist . You yourself

8:03

stop to acknowledge and see and hear

8:05

yourself . That's

8:08

why we lose our confidence

8:10

, because we're not seeing

8:12

who we are . The

8:14

only thing we have is our own word

8:16

for ourself . Can you trust

8:19

in yourself ? Can you take care of yourself

8:21

? Because a lot of the times we say

8:23

things and the reason why

8:25

it doesn't happen is because we don't believe

8:28

what we say . We don't really

8:30

believe in ourself anymore . We're

8:32

saying things to the people outside

8:35

of ourselves , but inside we're

8:37

constantly letting ourself down . We don't even

8:39

believe . Like you know , I'm not

8:41

going to eat that cake or I'm

8:43

going to stand up for myself next time , but

8:45

you don't do it . And then what happens

8:48

over time is we learn to , we

8:50

lose trust with our own word , what

8:53

we say , and the person you

8:55

need to trust the most when it

8:57

comes to doing what you need to do is

8:59

yourself . You might have said

9:02

I'm going to leave them , and

9:04

then you break that trials

9:06

. It's about

9:08

making sure you're compassionate

9:11

and supporting yourself . Don't

9:14

tell yourself I'm going to leave them

9:16

. Tell yourself I'm willing

9:18

to see myself , hear myself

9:21

and be there for myself . That

9:23

is something that you can do . Don't

9:25

put yourself in a scenario where

9:27

your you break

9:30

that trust with yourself , where you feel

9:32

like you're letting yourself down , where

9:34

you call yourself Things

9:37

like a fool and things like that , where

9:39

you don't feel like you can trust yourself

9:42

, because that's how the narcissist

9:44

takes us away from everything that

9:47

we have , because it's breaking

9:49

that connection to who we are . Make

9:52

a different kind of commitment to yourself where you're

9:54

saying I am going to

9:56

Take care of myself to

9:58

the best of my ability right now , you know

10:02

. So you start to look and like

10:04

the person that you are . Start off small

10:06

. Don't make huge promises

10:08

that you think that you're going to break . That's

10:11

what's really hurting you right now

10:13

. If you say to yourself I'm not going

10:15

to allow this to happen , and then you do , then

10:18

you start judging yourself and devaluing

10:20

yourself , and that's the problem

10:22

. That's the real problem . The

10:25

real problem is the devaluation

10:27

that you have within yourself , and

10:30

that's what happens when you don't trust

10:32

you . You start

10:34

to devalue yourself , and that's

10:36

when the narcissist is completely one , because

10:38

not only are they taking you through the devaluation

10:41

Cycle , they're letting you do it to yourself

10:43

Over and over again . So

10:46

you need to approach yourself differently

10:48

. You need to approach life differently

10:51

than you had before . Don't

10:53

give up before you've even started

10:55

. Allow yourself To

10:58

, step by step , get back up

11:00

. Otherwise it's exhausting if

11:02

you make promises that you're not

11:04

able to do by yourself . So

11:07

the process is trust

11:09

yourself first , even if it's small . And

11:12

once you start on this journey , once

11:14

you start making that commitment to yourself Not

11:17

just through the therapy that you do it

11:19

will become a lifestyle for you

11:21

where you start to believe in you

11:23

again and then you're

11:25

doing the emotional , the psychological

11:28

and spiritual work to

11:30

actually become a new person . If you

11:32

get support To actually

11:34

heal yourself on top of that , you

11:36

literally turn into a different person

11:38

, and that is what I want for you

11:40

for 2024 . If you start

11:43

doing this , you will start to experience

11:45

joy again and when you've been

11:47

for a toxic relationship , we

11:49

have to accept there's emotional , psychological

11:52

and spiritual Alignment

11:54

. That needs to happen . We're

11:57

not aligned anymore , we

11:59

haven't got a holistic approach to

12:01

healing and we need to be

12:03

aligned again so you start to feel connected

12:06

back to you , so

12:08

that you can trust yourself , so you can

12:10

know yourself again , and

12:13

with that Comes an immense

12:15

sense of confidence . If

12:17

you know you are going to be

12:20

there for you emotionally and you're not

12:22

going to just stuff those emotions down and

12:24

pretend they're not happening , you will get

12:26

a strong mindset . If

12:28

you've got a strong mindset but you feel emotionally

12:31

out of control , your nervous system

12:33

will get triggered and you will not feel

12:35

confident and you will not feel you can trust

12:37

yourself and you will call yourself

12:39

things like oh , how did I allow this

12:42

to happen ? If you work on

12:44

the areas that are out

12:47

of alignment , looking at yourself

12:49

in a holistic way , then

12:51

Alignment is powerful

12:54

and your quality of life will be

12:56

off the charts . So you need

12:58

to do a recce . Have a look at your

13:00

life right now . Where are you ? What

13:02

is it that needs aligning ? Is it your emotions

13:05

? Is it your nervous system ? You know

13:07

what is it that you're out of sync

13:09

. Oh , don't just stuff it down and

13:11

think your mindset can override

13:14

everything . It's not how it works . You

13:16

need to align everything so

13:18

everything just flows . You

13:20

see , then you'll realize that you're

13:22

not broken . But actually

13:25

, all these processes

13:27

, all these experiences that , if you have

13:29

been through , allowing

13:31

you to see the beauty in

13:33

you moving forward , you see , trauma

13:35

happens when we're not seen , heard and understood

13:38

for what we , what we earn , who we are

13:40

. You are deserved to be loved

13:42

, and when you're not loved in the way

13:44

that you deserve , it

13:47

hurts . So take a moment , how

13:49

often on a daily basis

13:52

are you not heard and seen

13:54

for who you truly are ? How

13:57

often are you pretending that you're

13:59

okay when you're not ? How often

14:01

do you have to numb yourself ? Know

14:04

that this pain will just accumulate

14:06

. More and more pain occurs and

14:09

then we have to numb . We have to

14:11

. There's no other way . And that's

14:13

when we get into our unhealthy

14:15

habits that will actually jeopardize

14:17

everything . We might start

14:19

to procrastinate self-sabotage

14:22

, drink more , take drugs

14:24

, shop more . We'll

14:26

find ways of numbing

14:29

because we

14:31

can't deal with

14:33

success anymore . If

14:35

you have a lot of trauma , you

14:38

will find ways of self sabotaging

14:40

and breaking everything down so

14:43

that you are no longer successful because

14:45

you're not in alignment . You're

14:47

subconscious . It isn't like you are allowed

14:50

to have what it is that you want . You're

14:52

allowed to have love

14:54

. Then we can't

14:57

deal with being seen and heard and understood

14:59

. Let me give you an example of that . Have

15:01

you ever seen lots of famous

15:03

people ? They're highly successful

15:06

and yet they committed suicide or they've

15:09

got an addiction problem ? It's

15:11

because they've numbed so much pain

15:13

that they can't enjoy their success

15:15

, the very thing they were desperate

15:18

, they worked so hard for in life they would

15:20

have done anything for . The

15:22

trauma that they haven't healed

15:24

is actually living , stopping

15:28

them from actually enjoying and living

15:30

the greatest moments in

15:32

their life . When we have trauma

15:35

, we have

15:37

to deal with the stress

15:39

so that we can

15:41

move forward

15:43

. We're not made to

15:46

handle the high levels of

15:48

stress and trauma that we

15:50

have endured in toxic relationships

15:52

, no matter how strong you are and I know you're

15:54

very strong and you might

15:56

believe that I should be strong enough

15:58

to deal with it myself why , why

16:01

should you ? Why should your body

16:04

have to be able to deal with

16:06

this ? Why should your mindset have to be

16:08

able to deal with this ? You think

16:10

that you have to figure it out and keep going because

16:13

you want to get results in your life . You

16:15

want to keep doing this , but it's

16:17

killing you . Struggling

16:19

is not healing . You

16:21

have to find other ways of

16:24

healing and it's not

16:26

in alcohol , it's not in

16:28

drugs , it's not in those things

16:31

that you need to numb . Of course alcohol

16:33

, you know , whatever it is , that you do in small

16:36

doses is fine , but

16:39

don't use it . If you're finding that

16:41

is your way of numbing , it's

16:43

just because you're not dealing with past issues

16:46

. So you have to change your present

16:48

situation and so

16:51

that you can feel happiness

16:53

and joy in your future

16:55

. Your body keeps

16:57

score of everything . Every

17:00

time the narcissist abused you

17:02

and you didn't say anything , you

17:04

stored that stress in your

17:06

body . And I'm not saying that you

17:08

should say something to a narcissist , because you have

17:11

to think about your safety . And

17:13

then you've got all these other

17:15

stresses on top of that , that normal life

17:18

. Maybe you've had a stressful

17:20

project that you've been dealing with

17:22

, or some other things happening where

17:24

your children are struggling in some way

17:26

, or you've had a miscarriage , or you can't

17:28

stop life from happening , or

17:30

somebody's passed away that you really love , so

17:32

you're grieving as well . Your

17:35

body will release stress and

17:37

your mind and your emotions are under

17:40

that kind of stress . We

17:43

need to learn how to deal with our issues

17:46

, the lies , the hurts and the layers

17:48

of pain that the narcissist

17:51

has put us through . And

17:53

the thing is , the narcissist has trained

17:55

us that we have to be perfect

17:57

at everything . So can you understand

18:00

the stress that you've been through ? How

18:02

many times have you been criticized

18:04

or blamed or shamed for everything ? Do

18:06

you can't get anything right or you're wrong

18:08

? They make you feel like you're wrong and

18:10

they tell you that you're not doing enough

18:13

for them or you don't love them enough , that

18:15

you're unreasonable or unrealistic , that

18:18

you're not doing enough for them , that you

18:20

are the one with the issue you've got , the one with the

18:22

trauma . You have got so much

18:24

that you've coped with , and

18:28

the narcissist hasn't been responsible for anything

18:31

, not one thing . Just

18:33

think about the trauma that you're dealing with on a day-to-day

18:36

level because of this . It's huge and

18:38

it's affecting now everything you're

18:40

doing . Life isn't perfect

18:43

, and having standards for

18:45

yourself that are so high , and

18:47

some in a really unhealthy way , means

18:50

there's no room for mistakes anymore

18:52

and you might be telling yourself you're a failure

18:54

or because you've not been able to succeed

18:57

at this relationship , then

18:59

you have to connect with that pain of

19:02

feeling like a failure , because

19:04

there is where the goodness

19:06

is , because that is where you can

19:08

get to how you have been conditioned

19:10

that way and release it and heal it

19:13

. Otherwise , you will feel like

19:15

you're failing all the time

19:17

and you're blaming yourself all the

19:19

time on a subconscious level

19:21

. What we have

19:24

to do is actually get to our core

19:26

beliefs that we have , because that

19:28

is what our identity is and how

19:30

we live our life and how we see ourselves

19:32

. Right now , if we can't

19:35

move forward and let go , it's

19:38

because there's a core belief that

19:41

you believe that you can't do it . Underneath

19:43

something , you might have a core emotional

19:46

wound where you feel so

19:48

vulnerable and hurt that you

19:50

don't feel you can trust yourself

19:52

anymore . We're afraid

19:55

that we won't be seen , heard

19:57

and understood and I'll ask

19:59

you take a moment

20:01

today . Watch people around

20:03

you , you know . Just take a

20:05

moment . Go to a coffee shop and

20:08

just watch everyone and

20:10

look at people and

20:12

see . Every single person wants

20:14

to be seen , heard and understood . If

20:17

there's a person driving an expensive

20:19

car , why , why

20:22

, what is it they want to be seen

20:24

. If it's that woman that's wearing

20:26

a beautiful handbag . They want to be

20:28

seen , heard and they

20:31

want to be acknowledged . This

20:33

is innate . Are

20:35

you seeing and hearing

20:37

you ? Are

20:39

you giving yourself the time ? If

20:42

there is core trauma at

20:44

core within you

20:46

, are you seeing it , hearing it

20:48

and being with it , allowing

20:51

yourself to move through that so

20:53

that you can let it go and you can

20:56

allow yourself to shine bright ? If

20:58

you never stop and examine your

21:01

trauma subconsciously

21:03

, it will run your life and

21:05

it can destroy you . The

21:07

best thing you can do is actually

21:10

acknowledge it and bring it to

21:12

the conscious level and then

21:14

you become

21:16

in control rather than the trauma

21:19

becomes in control . And if

21:21

you're looking to heal from your

21:23

core trauma , then please do look

21:25

at the resources section . I have

21:27

an incredible program is four

21:29

months and by 2024

21:32

you're going to be in 2024 you're going to be a completely

21:34

different person . You're going

21:37

to be living more through you

21:39

rather than your , your trauma being

21:42

in control of you . And if that

21:44

is something you want and you're serious and

21:46

you don't want your trauma being in control

21:48

of you anymore , then please do look

21:50

at the resources section and start

21:53

being compassionate and loving towards

21:55

yourself about what you can do

21:59

. Give yourself commitments

22:01

so that you can learn to trust yourself

22:03

. And if you really want to trust yourself

22:05

moving forward , then please do look at

22:07

the resources section . Till next

22:10

time , keep being loving to yourself

22:12

.