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0:16

You're listening to Life Kit

0:18

from NPR. Whenever

0:21

you move to a new place, you're confronted

0:23

with a familiar challenge, how

0:26

to make friends. But unlike when

0:28

you were young, meeting other kids in the playground,

0:31

you're an adult now.

0:31

I often feel like

0:34

I'm that person on the outside trying

0:36

to get in to

0:40

a clique of people.

0:41

It's like you're trying to psych yourself up to

0:43

approach someone and like scanning your brain

0:45

for something to say. I don't

0:48

always know how much of my personality

0:51

I can show people right away, but

0:54

I'm working on it and getting

0:57

better.

0:58

It's an emotional journey I've gone through

1:00

every few years as I've moved across the country

1:02

and around the world growing up. And even

1:05

since I moved into my current home in Brooklyn, I

1:07

still struggle with making new meaningful

1:09

connections. Making friends is

1:12

the ultimate challenge for adults.

1:15

That's author Melody Warnick. She's written two

1:17

books on our sense of belonging and how

1:19

having community could help us feel at home

1:21

in new places. Give yourself two

1:24

weeks to go through that process

1:27

of mourning the place that you

1:29

left and saying goodbye mentally, and

1:32

then dive into the new

1:34

location. But after two weeks,

1:36

or even my two years in New York City,

1:39

none of this feels easier. So

1:41

I asked our expert, friendship coach, Danielle

1:44

Bayer Jackson,

1:45

why is it so hard to make friends as adults?

1:48

I think that we think it's

1:51

challenging to do it as an adult. And I think we sometimes

1:54

maybe really romanticize what it was like

1:56

to make friends when we were younger. And

1:58

it's not something you're maybe necessarily. technically

2:00

taught. And so because of that, I think

2:02

some of us are startled to learn that we might have to make

2:04

a lot of these connections happen for ourselves.

2:07

Right. So it's just different, but maybe not necessarily

2:10

hard. Yes, I think it requires

2:12

a bit of strategy that we maybe

2:14

didn't anticipate. But I think once we have certain

2:17

mindsets down and we're open to the fact that it's

2:19

totally possible to make new friends in

2:21

adulthood, I think it becomes a little bit easier.

2:24

Hello Life Kit listeners, I'm Janet

2:27

Woo-Jung Lee, a producer on NPR's Education

2:29

Desk. And today's episode is all

2:31

about making friends wherever you go.

2:34

We'll discuss how to approach adult friendships

2:36

and ways we could be more active about building

2:39

these relationships. Settling in a

2:41

new place, of course, looks different for everyone.

2:44

But I promise this episode has tips

2:46

for you no matter who you are and

2:49

where you're going.

2:54

This message comes from NPR sponsor

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Patagonia. At Patagonia, stories

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for doing things outside. But Patagonia

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tells stories. Stories to get

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you out there. For more, visit patagonia.com

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slash stories.

3:26

All right, you know you're going to move and you're

3:28

starting to get a little worried.

3:32

Well, there is something you can do even

3:34

before you get there, a change in

3:36

mindset. That's takeaway number

3:38

one.

3:39

Be active, be intentional about

3:41

making connections. So I think a lot

3:43

of us have to get comfortable with making our need

3:45

known because you can't get the need met

3:48

if you're scared to make it known. And when it comes

3:50

to wanting connection or being intentional

3:52

about wanting to create

3:55

new friendships, there's such a sense

3:57

of shame or embarrassment for a lot of adults

3:59

because we... feel like it's something we should have figured

4:01

out by now. And so if we get comfortable

4:04

with informing the people

4:06

in our existing circle that we're about to experience

4:08

a transition and we're looking to get

4:11

plugged in, I think we'd be surprised

4:13

by people's willingness to help us get connected.

4:15

First things first, alert your network.

4:18

Post on your socials. Hey there, I'm moving

4:20

to Seattle this summer and would appreciate any

4:22

introductions. Or ask your family

4:24

group chat, looking for housing in Chicago, do

4:27

we know anyone? And tell your co-workers.

4:30

Especially if you have a remote job, you never

4:32

know who's already out there.

4:34

Make sure to also communicate what

4:36

kind of connection you're looking for, like

4:38

someone to show you around or another couple

4:41

with similar school-aged kids.

4:42

It's not likely that you'll hit it off and become

4:45

best friends with everyone, but that's

4:47

okay. You're just trying to get to know people

4:49

and your new home. Here's something else

4:51

you could do before you get there. If there

4:54

are certain restaurants or

4:57

advocacy groups or whatever it is in

4:59

a city that you currently live in, do some

5:01

research beforehand to see if they have a sister location

5:04

in the area that you're about to move to. Because

5:07

that offers a sense of familiarity

5:09

when you go and you already have a place to plug

5:11

into that feels like a natural

5:12

flow or extension of your

5:15

hometown. Let's say you're moving somewhere

5:17

where you know people. You're gonna live closer

5:19

to your friends and they're thrilled to see you. Or

5:22

you have relatives who are ready to drive you around

5:24

and help you get settled.

5:25

Well, you're set. But then

5:28

there's this gray area, the people

5:30

you could reach out to.

5:32

We tend to think that it's going to be so

5:34

awkward to reach out to people

5:37

with whom we had a connection that kind of fizzled

5:40

out. Like maybe nothing dramatic happened, but

5:42

over time you know we communicated a little

5:44

less and a little less and we overestimate

5:46

like how awkward it will be. But the average

5:48

person is happy to hear from you. They're happy

5:50

to be reconnected. You just have to own it.

5:53

That takes us to takeaway number two. Reconnect

5:56

with old friends. And you never know, your

5:59

former class...

5:59

classmates, coworkers, neighbors,

6:02

you might end up better friends with them than before. Let's

6:05

say you messaged someone you haven't spoken to in

6:08

years. Just hours later, you

6:10

almost wish they never got back to

6:12

you. You're thinking to yourself, we're going to

6:14

meet up, but what are we going to do? Do we even

6:17

have anything to talk about? Danielle

6:19

has two tips for making this work. So

6:22

whenever you're extending an invitation to rekindle

6:24

with somebody, the first thing I always say is, you

6:27

have to address the elephant in the room. Being acknowledged

6:29

that gap

6:29

in time and that you haven't been the best

6:32

at keeping in touch. Like saying, hey,

6:34

we used to work together until last year, or hi,

6:37

I'm so sorry that it's been over a year since

6:39

we talked. Get that out first.

6:42

Then propose specific plans

6:45

for catching up. Like what you're going

6:47

to do and roughly how much time

6:49

you're spending together.

6:51

Something like this. Hey, Kate,

6:54

I know it's been like three years since we last spoke,

6:56

but you've been on my mind and I am coming back

6:58

home and I thought it would be cool to have coffee

7:01

and to catch up for an hour or so.

7:03

I like to suggest including the duration because

7:06

it lets people know like how long to charge their social

7:08

battery for. And they're like, oh, I can commit to an hour.

7:11

Once you meet up in person, it's just

7:13

as important to follow up. So

7:15

don't wait for your friend to confirm they had a good

7:17

time.

7:18

Instead, it goes a long way to

7:20

tell them, hey, it was sweet catching

7:22

up with you. And you can keep this momentum

7:24

going by bringing up whatever topic

7:27

that came up during your chat. Maybe

7:29

a day or two later, you send them a link. Oh, I know you mentioned

7:31

hiking and I saw this article listing

7:33

all the spots in the area and I thought you

7:35

could appreciate this. The subtext there

7:38

is that I enjoy your connection. I was

7:40

listening to you and it kind of sets a nice foundation

7:42

to rekindle that friendship moving forward. Maybe

7:45

you got back to them with a few links or you asked

7:47

to be invited to whatever they're doing next weekend. They're

7:50

eager to do more fun activities with other

7:52

people, but you

7:53

also don't want to bother your one friend because

7:56

what if I seem desperate or even worse? What

7:59

if they get tired of me?

7:59

Well, there is

8:02

a way you could be more active in your community

8:05

on your own. Which brings us to

8:07

takeaway number three. Another

8:10

thing that adults can do as well to make new friends is

8:12

to incorporate more routine into

8:14

their day, which I know sounds very unsexy.

8:18

It could sound unsexy, but having

8:20

this sort of routine could kind of be lovely.

8:23

My friend David tried it last year when he moved

8:25

to Somerville, Massachusetts. And

8:27

before he got there, he planned to find

8:29

two things.

8:30

A coffee shop for Thursdays and a go-to

8:32

hairdresser. Now David

8:35

didn't fall in love with a barista or

8:37

meet his new best friend in town.

8:39

But he started noticing the same

8:41

faces, or what Danielle calls

8:43

familiar strangers. With routine,

8:46

you're seeing the same faces and it

8:48

becomes less intimidating to say, hey,

8:50

and to ask a question because you see them all the time.

8:53

And you could incorporate any activity, community,

8:56

or place you love. Do you go on a run

8:58

every morning? Why don't you try running at the

9:00

same park for a week? Or try going

9:02

back to that restaurant around the block at least

9:05

once or twice a month?

9:06

Again, you're not trying to meet your best

9:08

friends here, so take that pressure

9:10

off yourself. And enjoy that sense of community

9:13

you're going to start feeling from having a routine.

9:15

No matter where you live, you can develop

9:18

that sense of home. Even if it's a place where

9:20

you're probably only going to be there

9:22

temporarily. You know it's not

9:24

your forever home. But

9:27

being in a place for a year,

9:29

even six months or three months,

9:32

it's a long time to be miserable,

9:34

right? And we

9:36

can do concrete things for ourselves to

9:38

make ourselves happier in a place,

9:41

to make ourselves feel that sense

9:43

of at-homeness. Melody

9:45

writes about community in relation to

9:47

your physical home. And there's one idea

9:50

from her book that's helped me contextualize all

9:52

this. It's called Place Attachment.

9:55

Which is the fancy phrase

9:58

that means feeling and

9:59

emotional connection with your place. It's

10:02

kind of that sensation you get when maybe

10:04

you've been on vacation and you're

10:06

pulling back into town and you

10:08

just kind of go, ah, this is this

10:11

is home. This feels like

10:13

home.

10:15

Melody says place attachment comes from

10:17

two things. One, your relationship

10:20

with other people and two, the

10:22

impact you have on your community. So

10:24

what if you, like me, feel like you found

10:27

good company, great friends, coworkers,

10:30

but you still don't quite feel at home. So

10:33

how do we change that? One way that people

10:36

can do that is by creating

10:38

a third place for yourself. So

10:41

the

10:42

idea is to find a place for yourself

10:44

that isn't work and isn't home, but

10:46

something totally other than that.

10:51

So

10:51

you doing you comes first and

10:54

in the process, you might have come across groups

10:56

of people who share your interests, like

10:58

the book club at your public library or

11:01

the community soccer club that you see on dog

11:03

walks. Well, if any

11:05

of these catch your eye, it may be a

11:07

good time to scope out interest groups.

11:10

And that's takeaway number four. Find

11:12

online groups, people on Instagram

11:15

who live in your town and see what they're

11:17

doing and recommending subscribe

11:19

to the local newspaper

11:21

or find the online

11:24

events listings that will help you

11:26

know what's happening in your town so that you can start to

11:29

show up for things. But also

11:31

so you just kind of get a sense of where

11:33

it is you landed. Nowadays, you

11:35

can find pretty much any community online

11:38

for food, sports, identity,

11:40

religion, parenting for both kids or

11:43

pets. Look it up. It's probably

11:45

there. My friend, Minky for

11:47

one moved to Queens last fall and he recently

11:49

joined a barbecue group that he found on Instagram.

11:51

They grilled together, sell barbecue and

11:54

donate whatever money they make. Now,

11:56

Minky's been interested in grilling for a while,

11:58

but he never had a

11:59

that chance to really get into

12:02

it until now. So I think these

12:04

life transitions where we're moving to a different city,

12:06

it's time to be exploratory about everything

12:09

and it might be time to engage in an activity you've

12:11

always been curious about. Now's your chance. And

12:13

maybe you, like me, have

12:15

countless events you've signed up for but never

12:18

showed up to. Or are

12:20

you feeling overwhelmed and would much rather have

12:22

someone tell you which one to try first?

12:25

If you're looking for that gentle nudge, Danielle

12:27

suggests book clubs. When you go to a book

12:29

club meeting, you all write the same book. You

12:32

don't have to know anybody there and you can walk in and

12:34

say, oh my god, I hated the main

12:36

character. And then you guys are launching into a

12:38

great conversation for two hours. So it kind of takes

12:41

away the nervousness of having conversation. They

12:43

also meet regularly

12:45

so you don't have the awkward like, hey, do you want

12:47

to meet up again? Because you're going to see those people

12:49

again in, you know, three to four

12:52

weeks. You might be tempted to bail after

12:54

your first book club meeting and I get it. It's

12:57

so much easier to just chill at home.

12:59

But for recurring interest groups like this,

13:02

it's super important from the start

13:04

to commit to showing up more than once.

13:07

So tell yourself you have to go

13:09

back.

13:10

When you know you're just going to go one time, it

13:12

changes the way that you engage with people while you're there.

13:14

So you're almost auditioning them. You're trying

13:17

to see if they're your people. And then we leave and we're

13:19

like, ah, I wasn't really feeling it and we don't go

13:21

back. And so I often challenge

13:23

my clients to go three times

13:26

to an event before they make up their mind. So

13:28

you're trying to build, but there's a lot of people

13:30

and that can be overwhelming. One piece of

13:32

advice I like to give people is to stop trying

13:35

to form a relationship with the collective

13:37

and instead focus on creating relationships

13:40

with the singular. So I think sometimes when we

13:42

put ourselves under that pressure cooker to

13:44

be liked by the group and to fit in

13:46

with the group, we forget that the group is made up

13:48

of just individual people. And

13:50

so sometimes it might be less intimidating to

13:52

focus on those individual relationships

13:55

first. And that's not to say one on

13:57

one situations

13:58

are all that simple either. Even

14:00

after what feels like an okay coffee

14:02

chat, you keep doubting yourself. What

14:04

if I was talking too much? Did I overshare

14:07

when I talked about my time in college? Are

14:09

they going to think I'm a bad person for saying I don't like

14:11

cats?

14:12

Here's Danielle's advice. When getting

14:14

to know people, focus on the connection,

14:17

not the relationship. That's takeaway

14:19

number five. Especially when

14:21

you're new in town, you could feel shy or

14:24

even intimidated to share your true self.

14:26

Your favorite music, cuisine, weekend

14:28

activities, and trust me, I get

14:31

it as someone who's super conflict averse, it's

14:33

so hard to share these things for no good reason.

14:36

But Danielle says being honest about

14:38

yourself is key to adult relationships.

14:41

What's ironic is sometimes we tend to minimize

14:44

our interests because we don't know if people will

14:46

get it or if they'll share them. But you'll

14:48

find your people more quickly if you lean into

14:51

the things that make you different or that you think are quirky

14:53

interests or things like that. So getting comfortable

14:55

with the things that make you different and the interest that

14:57

you have and playing that up as you

14:59

allow yourself to be the new kid

15:02

is one way to really attract people who might

15:05

be good members of your community as you're

15:07

getting started. And this could go a long

15:09

way. You might plan your next hangout to

15:11

do something you both enjoy

15:13

or leave with names of other people you could reach

15:15

out to. And if you don't feel comfortable

15:17

sending cold messages, lean on what

15:20

Melody calls the super connectors. The

15:22

people who know everyone

15:25

and they want to introduce you.

15:27

Super connectors are especially helpful for

15:29

anyone who self-identifies as an introvert. And

15:31

if that's you, Danielle has two more

15:34

suggestions. The first is only

15:36

say yes to the activities

15:38

you know will bring you joy. Maybe

15:40

invite your work friend to the art museum to check

15:42

out the exhibit you've

15:43

been meaning to see anyway. Or

15:45

if you know a few people who are going to this potluck,

15:48

it might be nice to tag along. Danielle's

15:50

second advice for introverts is, again,

15:53

focusing your energy on one-on-one

15:55

interactions. Introverts will

15:57

go to a party and sit on the couch and talk

15:59

to the same person. for 45 minutes, but

16:01

maybe Lee feeling more connected than

16:03

the extrovert who made it their mission to work the

16:06

room. And so really being intentional

16:08

is a big part of all of this is

16:10

having an objective, following through, being

16:13

brave. For both introverts,

16:15

extroverts, really anyone,

16:17

making new friends takes effort, especially

16:20

when you barely know anyone around you. And

16:22

it might not be as smooth as you'd like it to

16:24

be. It's something that you have to be thoughtful

16:27

about when you move to new community

16:29

to just kind of open yourself up to

16:32

the possibilities that are here for

16:34

you, which may not be what you

16:36

expect for yourself. Maybe far

16:39

better than you were planning. Friendships

16:41

are often out of control. They come and go,

16:43

but sometimes we're met with these

16:45

magical moments.

16:46

But it's really exciting when I do

16:49

click with a new person. Like you're mutually

16:51

invested in trying to get to know each other. It

16:53

feels like I'm home.

16:56

You never know when and where these encounters will come your way.

16:59

So feel it out and be open. It

17:02

may take a sec, but before you know it, you'll find

17:04

your comfort places in town, run

17:06

into people you've seen around and

17:08

invite your new friends to join you wherever you are.

17:15

Now here's a recap on how to make friends

17:17

wherever you go. Takeaway

17:20

number one, be open and intentional

17:22

about making new friends. Tell your network

17:24

that you're moving or that

17:25

you're looking to meet people. It's nothing

17:27

to be shy or embarrassed about. And this

17:29

is something that you can do even before you

17:31

get there. Takeaway number two,

17:34

reconnect with old friends. And

17:36

when you set up a catch up call or hang out, acknowledge

17:39

the passing of time and make clear

17:41

plans like where you're going to go and how much

17:44

time you want to spend together.

17:45

Takeaway number three, build

17:48

your own routines. Find places

17:50

where you feel at ease, whether that's somewhere

17:52

you play your favorite sport or a bakery that reminds

17:54

you of home.

17:55

Takeaway number four, go to

17:57

group gatherings. If you find a cool event.

18:00

on Instagram, a neighborhood barbecue day,

18:02

club sporting event, a dog costume

18:04

contest, say yes, give

18:07

it a try. And for recurring groups,

18:09

commit to going at least three times.

18:12

Takeaway number five,

18:14

friendships start from one-on-one relationships.

18:16

Even when you're trying to branch out from group

18:18

hangouts, don't feel pressure to be friends

18:20

with everyone at once. And remember

18:23

that all of this takes time.

18:27

And that's a wrap for today's episode. For more

18:29

LifeKit, check out our other episodes. We've

18:31

got plenty on friendships, one

18:33

on how to make friends, how to keep in touch with

18:36

friends, and how to handle friend breakups.

18:38

You can find those and more at npr.org

18:41

slash lifekit. And if you love LifeKit

18:43

and want more, subscribe to our newsletter

18:46

at npr.org slash lifekit

18:48

newsletter. This episode

18:50

of LifeKit was produced by me and Mia Venkat.

18:53

Our visuals editor is Bec Harlan and our

18:55

digital editor is Danielle Nett. Megan

18:57

Kane is the supervising editor. Beth

18:59

Donovan is the executive producer. Our

19:02

production team at LifeKit also includes Andy

19:04

Tegel, Audrey Nguyen, Claire Murray-Schneider,

19:07

and Sylvie Douglas. Julia Carney

19:09

is our podcast coordinator. Engineering

19:11

support came from Neil Rauch. I'm

19:13

Janet Woo-Jung Lee.

19:15

Thanks for listening. Fans have given birth to fans. I'm Jesse Thorne.

19:17

On Bullseye, Shonda Rhimes marvels at the legacy of

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Grey's Anatomy.

19:24

Every once in a while I'll be in a grocery store and a bunch of 12-year-olds will start following

19:26

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19:28

Listen to the podcast of Bullseye from

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Maximum Fun and NPR. This message comes from a fan. I'm Jesse Thorne. This

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19:59

financial dash freedom off

20:02

like all these keep getting a

20:04

little weird rabbit holes. And yeah, Anna

20:07

was like letting it rip too. Cause she was, she was

20:09

calling back to like,

20:11

I dunno, like a couple of months ago, it was

20:13

the guy who got ripped off. That was, he had his

20:15

dog on his lap, the whole video, the

20:17

whole news clip, and we were making fun of that. Um,

20:21

but yeah, that was awesome. Well, I like

20:23

to say officially I'm a Sage fan. All

20:25

right. So yeah. I'm

20:27

a Sageite. I'm a,

20:30

you know, I turned the page for Sage. Um,

20:34

I age for Sage, whatever

20:36

else runs with Sage. For all the Annas,

20:39

but especially the one from California. Yeah.

20:42

Yeah. Yeah. So anyway, we'll,

20:44

uh, we'll get our own.