0:02

This is a Global Player

0:04

original podcast. What are

0:06

you doing playing with my pencil and pen? You're

0:09

fiddling with my pencil and pen. I put them

0:11

there deliberately in case I need them. Get your

0:13

hands off my equipment. That's what

0:15

I'm going to say to you. Why are there this colour?

0:18

Sand and memorial chapel. Oh yes.

0:20

Both of them are. All those

0:22

amazing pictures of Stanley Spencer. Yes.

0:28

D.L.'s welcome back to the bonus episode.

0:30

The Life Hack. The one that you love

0:32

because it's a nice, light, midweek

0:35

treat. The bonus episode, The

0:37

Life Hack. We're back and Mr

0:39

Whitehall will be keeping his hands off my equipment.

0:42

Just to let you know I've now grabbed it back again. So

0:45

Mr Whitehall, shall I crack on? You seem to

0:48

be busy reading your phone there. Are you concentrating

0:50

on the podcast or are you reading your phone?

0:52

No, it's a message for you. Right.

0:55

Thank you very much. Yep. Got

0:57

that message. Thank you. No,

1:00

I'll read it. OK. I'm not

1:02

one now. I'll fall asleep. You know

1:05

what, D.L.'s, I should just say the reason he's

1:07

falling asleep today is because I've lit a fire

1:09

here. Yeah. Not that you can hear the crackle

1:11

of it. We've got a lovely coal fire. Yes,

1:13

a smokeless fuel. Smokeless fuel.

1:15

Fire. But it makes

1:18

the room really cosy and warm. To the

1:20

point that Mr Whitehall... To the point where I'm thinking... Oh,

1:22

there's our friend back again. It's

1:24

the road sweeper. We haven't heard from him

1:27

this series. Oh,

1:30

he's going back and forth and back and

1:32

forth. Sorry, just because I'm going to forget

1:34

it before you read this email. Because

1:36

as you know, D.L.'s, I've now just done,

1:38

I think, three episodes without

1:41

mentioning Nigel Havers. So I just thought I'd

1:43

do a quick mention. I spoke to Nigel a

1:46

couple of days ago, sent his love. I

1:49

started my whole programme

1:52

of trying to get into his panto. He

1:55

called me about something else and I did the big sounds. Very

2:00

dare you, Mr. Whitehall. Anyway,

2:02

just thought I'd mention Nige, just because it came into my

2:05

head that he rang me the other day. Dear

2:07

Michael and Hilary, I

2:10

am a mother of two

2:12

primary aged children. Some

2:15

time ago, I took my

2:18

youngest to a local toddler group

2:21

where a lovely grandma

2:23

had me in absolute

2:25

stitches. She

2:27

was being given the runaround

2:30

by two naughty

2:32

grandchildren and was

2:34

wailing. I've

2:36

got them for the night too. If

2:40

only I had set some boundaries

2:43

with my children and

2:45

told them what I was prepared

2:47

to offer as a

2:49

grandmother. It

2:51

suddenly dawned on me as I

2:54

watched her being sent mad that

2:57

some grandparents are really

3:00

used and abused. Now

3:04

you are racking up the

3:06

grandchildren. Congratulations to you

3:08

all. Thank you very much. Have

3:11

you done anything to ensure that

3:13

you won't be running

3:15

a full-time crash? Good

3:19

luck with the show, Alexa. Well,

3:24

thank you, Alexa, for that question. A

3:26

very interesting question and very pertinent to

3:28

Mr. Whitehall and me. I,

3:31

of course, have a secret weapon

3:33

in my arsenal when it comes to

3:35

being a grandparent. And that is called

3:38

Michael Whitehall, who

3:40

is 83, and

3:42

perhaps whose patience is not

3:45

quite as abundant as it was when he was

3:47

a younger man. Would

3:49

you say, Michael Whitehall? No,

3:52

I wouldn't say. No, I think I was

3:54

never particularly patient, was

3:56

I? Well,

3:58

you said it, not me. No.

4:01

You are giving it... I like to get on with it.

4:03

Do this, make a decision, get on with

4:05

it. That was my life. Yeah. And

4:08

I'm still, to an extent... Getting

4:11

on with it. Yeah. So when

4:13

you start whispering on, on this podcast,

4:15

for example... For which the DL's are

4:17

very grateful because... I want to be

4:19

saying to you, just get on with

4:21

it. I'm not sure, mate. But obviously

4:23

I don't, because that is the shtick

4:25

of the show. Shtick? Shtick?

4:29

That is... I mean, how come you're using

4:31

that word? Shtick. How do you

4:33

even know that word? It's called shtick. It's shtick.

4:35

I like it. Can we have it again? Shtick.

4:39

I like the way your bottom lip comes right up when you

4:41

say it. I'm going to have to take a picture of you

4:43

saying it. Hang on. Right.

4:46

Because you're... It's very funny. I'm

4:48

going to show you your bottom lip, which

4:51

is, I think, very

4:53

funny. Ready? Okay. Do

4:56

shtick. Shtick. Ready?

4:59

Look at your lip. Oh,

5:02

yes. So this is quite pouty.

5:05

I'll put that on the socials. Let's

5:07

have one more go at it. Say shtick.

5:10

Shtick. It's

5:14

the positioning of the lip. Get

5:17

this shtick going. That

5:19

is weird. It is quite weird. It's quite funny.

5:21

Right. Just to

5:23

correct you on that one. Yeah. This

5:25

whole business of your shtick. Yeah. That's

5:27

all you do do is tell me to get on

5:30

with it. It's not like you don't tell me. You do. That's

5:32

all you ever say to me. Get on with it. Yes.

5:35

I would remind you of the title of the

5:37

podcast, which is The Wittering White Tools. Yes.

5:40

Yeah, but it's not called The Waffling

5:42

White Tools. And the

5:44

problem with you is you don't just

5:47

witter, but you waffle too. Yeah. Maybe

5:50

we should... A lot of waffling there. I'm now thinking we

5:52

should have called it The Waffling White Tools. Well,

5:54

I think that could be another series. Good alliteration

5:56

in The Waffling White Tools. Yeah. I

5:58

think The Waffling White Tools is the best. We're both sitting here

6:00

with our arms crossed, looking quite beady

6:03

and bassy. Let's just relax. Now, I

6:05

would say as a grandparent, what

6:07

you need is a lot of Nurt. Nurt.

6:10

Do you know what Nurt is, Michael?

6:12

Absolutely no idea. Inner

6:14

strength, courage and fortitude, the quality of

6:17

being strong-spirited. What is the suggestion that

6:19

this is a real word? Yeah, it's

6:21

all Nurt. Don't be ridiculous. N-E-A-R-T. Nurt

6:24

is a real word. Inner

6:29

fortitude, strong-spirited.

6:31

N-U-R-T. N-E-A-R-T. Nurt.

6:34

That is not a real word. It is. That

6:37

is my dictionary. Okay, you go and get

6:39

your dictionary and I'll talk to the DL's

6:41

whilst you get your dictionary. I've got an

6:43

Oxford dictionary somewhere in this room. There's one

6:45

over there, that blue

6:47

book there. In the top

6:50

row, there's a slightly

6:52

smaller blue.

6:54

That's the one. Our

6:58

executive producer, producer, director...

7:01

P-P-J. P-P-J,

7:03

Podprot... Is referring to... Podprot

7:06

Joe. N-E-A-R-T. No,

7:09

it's not there, is it?

7:12

According to words though... It is not

7:14

there. It is not a real word.

7:16

I do not like to be beaten.

7:19

Well, you've been beaten by the Oxford

7:21

dictionary. I'm going to look it

7:23

up online because that was printed probably in 1961. The

7:27

year of my birth. No. Okay.

7:31

It isn't a word. Sorry. I think

7:33

it's Irish. You're talking about

7:35

English. Some random

7:37

Irish word. Okay.

7:40

No. I can't say that I

7:42

can actually find... No, it's not. It is

7:44

a proper dictionary. It's not a real word. This

7:46

is a proper... A Gaelic word. This

7:48

is... well, a Gaelic word. And then

7:50

we're not Gaelic. Strength power my energy, piss,

7:53

force, vigour. Yeah. Plenty,

7:55

abundance, many, number, the greater past or

7:57

something. I'm going with it. Nerd. One

8:01

tactic you should employ, right? Because

8:05

let's face it, you

8:07

need gratitude when you're doing these things. I

8:10

think one of the good tactics to employ is

8:13

to wait till there's an emergency so that you

8:15

can swing in and be the saviour

8:17

of the day. So

8:19

for instance, when Jack

8:21

was about three months old,

8:24

you had major

8:28

stomach problems and you entered the hospital. I

8:31

don't want to go into the

8:33

fact that I had a stomach

8:35

condition when Jack was born, which

8:37

I don't have now. Right, because

8:39

you had surgery. Yes,

8:41

OK. Let's go into

8:43

the details of the surgery. What they

8:46

did is they got a knife and

8:48

cut me right down the middle, pulled

8:50

out all my guts and then chopped

8:52

away the bits they didn't want and

8:55

then sewed me up again. Did they

8:57

join up the bits? Yes, they were

8:59

needle and thread and there

9:02

was blood everywhere and it

9:04

was the most ghastly terrible,

9:07

it was major surgery, which

9:09

is why I can't walk

9:11

properly now. I have

9:13

not had an erection for

9:15

35 years and I'm basically

9:17

a complete mess. And

9:20

if you want more details of

9:22

this particular operation that I had

9:24

on my guts, Mrs

9:26

White's Hall, I'm sure will

9:28

provide all the fine details,

9:30

including photos. Including a video

9:32

of the scan. Yes,

9:34

yes. Michael, you're

9:37

literally spinning off into the

9:39

realms of complete and utter fantasy. I'm keeping right

9:41

out of this. I don't wish to

9:44

discuss. It's not actually about you. It's

9:46

a personal matter between me and my

9:48

surgeon. Your many surgeons?

9:50

No, not many surgeons, no. There's been

9:53

many over the years. Oh, God. The

9:57

point of this story was that... Okay. Let's

10:00

not go into the detail you were in

10:02

hospital for a period of time. Whenever you

10:04

say let's not go into the detail that

10:06

means you're gonna go into the detail. I

10:08

think not! I'm gonna go into the detail!

10:11

Oh right, okay. The point of this story is that

10:13

you were in hospital for a period of time and

10:15

that was three months old. Yes. And

10:17

the person... What was I in hospital for?

10:21

A gut problem. Oh really and what did

10:23

they do to try and resolve the problem

10:25

with my gut? Well interestingly at that point...

10:28

It involved nine. I must say, interestingly at that

10:30

point they did not do surgery but you

10:33

did actually come out on crutches which again

10:35

I think we've told the story because somebody

10:37

dropped a piece of equipment on your foot.

10:40

I went into the hospital. I had a

10:43

preliminary checkup.

10:46

I was absolutely fine. Then

10:49

I came out of the hospital.

10:53

I was on my way out. No

10:55

you weren't! I was on my way

10:57

out from the room downstairs

10:59

and somebody walked past me

11:02

in a trolley and dropped

11:04

some metal thing on

11:06

my foot. So I then

11:09

had to go back into the

11:11

other room and the doctor looked at me

11:13

and said, oh yeah, it's very bruised. I

11:15

think we may have to x-ray you. But

11:18

I was just leaving and he said, well

11:20

while you're here, save you coming in. So

11:23

I then had to go and queue up

11:25

and have an x-ray and the woman said,

11:27

of course we've done the x-ray on your

11:30

stomach. I said, yes, I now

11:32

want one on my foot. I

11:35

didn't know there was anything wrong with your foot.

11:37

Well there wasn't when you last saw my body.

11:40

But there is now because

11:42

some fucker dropped a

11:44

metal thing, equipment

11:46

on my foot. Anyway,

11:48

they did an x-ray. I

11:51

think he came out of the wheelchair. They

11:53

said there was no broken bones but it

11:56

does look very, must be very painful, isn't

11:58

it? I said, yes. Very

12:00

painful. And she said, well,

12:02

I think it would be best for you

12:05

to maybe have... Do you have any crutches?

12:07

And I said, funnily

12:09

enough, no. Why would I

12:11

have crutches? And she said,

12:13

oh, sorry. Well, we can provide

12:15

you with crutches. So you better

12:18

get someone to come and pick you up. So

12:20

I rang Hillary and said, will you come

12:22

and pick me up? And she said, yes,

12:24

fine. You didn't tell me at the time what

12:27

had happened. The first thing I see is you

12:29

coming along in a wheelchair with crutches. And

12:32

then transferring onto crutches.

12:35

And Hillary's thinking, oh my God,

12:37

thank God we got to the

12:39

hospital in time because he's obviously

12:41

seriously ill. I

12:44

wasn't ill at all. I'd just

12:46

been... Something had dropped on my

12:48

foot. And I couldn't

12:50

walk. And it was so painful

12:52

for weeks afterwards. In fact, I

12:54

think you even... So don't go

12:56

to a hospital and have x-rays

12:58

and stuff until you're absolutely clear

13:00

that there is nobody around the

13:02

hospital dropping metal things on top

13:04

of people. It's a good evening. I'd

13:19

like to get back to the point I was trying

13:21

to make, that during your stay in hospital,

13:24

I obviously had a three-month-old baby. And

13:26

my mother worked full-time, so she couldn't come up

13:28

and look after the baby. But my father at

13:30

that point was a freelancer. And

13:33

he said, because my dear, sainted,

13:37

departed daddy, known as Bungie. Do

13:40

you remember Bungie, my dad? No,

13:42

Hillary. I've never heard of him. And

13:46

I don't remember you having a father,

13:49

in fact. Oh, ha, ha. Anyway, Bungie

13:51

loved a baby. He loved a baby.

13:54

So he said, don't worry, I'll come up and look

13:56

after Jack. So every night, I would feed

13:58

Jack. He'd then, he would, he,

14:01

well obviously he came to stay with me, he would

14:03

then help me bath Jack, and then I would leave

14:05

him with a bottle with Jack and he would put

14:07

Jack to bed, and he did that for a week.

14:10

And they definitely had

14:12

a special bond, Jack and Bungee, they loved

14:14

one another, not just because they both supported

14:16

Arsenal, but because they had this bonding

14:19

situation at the beginning

14:21

of Jack's life. And of

14:24

course my father was the hero of

14:26

the day, because he'd swept into an

14:28

emergency situation. And that's what I like

14:30

to do with my children, with their children, is

14:32

I love to sweep in and save the

14:34

day, because then you get extra

14:37

grandparenting brownie points. And that

14:39

I think is a good way

14:41

of doing it. But

14:43

I think the important thing is to lay down the

14:45

ground rules and say, I

14:48

just want to enjoy being a grandparent, I

14:50

do not want the grind. And

14:52

it is a bit of a grind on occasions

14:54

of looking after very, very small children. It's

14:57

challenging, it's exhausting, not

15:00

a lot of fun sometimes. And I

15:02

just would like to be there to

15:04

have the fun. What is your

15:06

tactic? As you know,

15:08

just apply them with chocolate, lots

15:11

of chocolate, milk chocolate

15:13

mainly, not dark chocolate. Parents

15:16

don't like their children being fed with chocolate. I'm

15:18

sure they do. So they don't ask me

15:20

to look after them. Yes, because they get

15:22

them back in a sugar-hyped state. I can

15:25

see that. That is quite a good tactic

15:27

in there. So that's why you

15:29

apply peggy with chocolate. Well, that's not the

15:31

reason. I know children like chocolate, and if

15:33

they're asking for it, you

15:35

might as well give them it. I think

15:38

the other thing is to do extreme things

15:40

for your grandchildren that only the brownie points,

15:42

but don't

15:44

necessarily, they're very

15:47

time consuming. So for instance, this year, I decided I

15:49

was going to make all three of my grandchildren a

15:51

homemade Christmas present. If

15:54

I tell you that here we are at the end of

15:56

January, I'm still going with it. Still

15:58

go. I still haven't quite finished them. because I started

16:00

too late. So there's an extra life hack.

16:02

If you're going to do homemade Christmas presents,

16:05

start early. Give yourself enough time because

16:07

I'm still making them. One

16:09

is complete, Elsie's got hers, but Woody and Peggy

16:12

still waiting for theirs, still going with it. So

16:15

there you go. Get the battle lines

16:17

down very early doors when they get back from

16:19

the hospital. Wait for emergencies

16:21

because you can sweep in and get extra

16:23

brownie points. Employ chocolate

16:25

when they're toddlers because the parents won't

16:27

want you looking after them and

16:30

do something above and beyond

16:32

like homemade Christmas presents, but just make sure

16:34

you start early enough. That's

16:36

how you get round being used and

16:38

abused, which actually our children do not

16:40

do. We're very lucky. They

16:43

are very sweet and they use us,

16:47

but not abuse us because we

16:49

love spending time with Elsie, Peggy and Woody. Do

16:51

we not? We do. We do.

16:53

On that note, let's wrap this up.

16:56

We will be back on Monday with a book for

16:58

the full part of the episode. Thank you for joining

17:00

us. Please

17:02

rate, please review, please subscribe, please share, please

17:04

keep email going. If you are pleased to

17:06

ask the podcast, you know that. We love

17:08

you. We will join you

17:10

again on Monday. Until

17:13

then, hello. Goodbye.