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This is a Global Player

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Original Podcast. Wittering

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Whitehalls welcome back. Wittering White, why am

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I saying Wittering Whitehalls welcome back? Yes,

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we're welcoming ourselves back. D.L.'s

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welcome back to the Wittering

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Whitehalls. Off we

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go then, let's see what's coming up

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on today's episode. We

0:31

get health conscious and start step

0:33

counting. What constitutes a step? What

0:37

constitutes a step? Putting one

0:39

foot in front of the

0:41

other and propelling yourself forward

0:43

is a step. I am for Michael.

0:46

One foot in front of me, I say you could

0:48

do it sitting down. Not really, no, it wouldn't count.

0:50

We're here of a tech-heavy

0:53

mishap. So I Bluetooth'd my

0:55

phone. Can I just

0:57

say, P, this is going way over

0:59

his head. She was painting her phone,

1:02

was she? No. And

1:04

we get tangled right up

1:06

in theurophus, acolytes and sensors.

1:09

And the theurobol was

1:11

the thing that had the incense

1:13

in it. And then you

1:15

went boom, boom, boom, and then down.

1:17

And then dum, dum, dum. So it

1:20

was one in the middle and then

1:22

one either side. I

1:35

just want to start off by saying that I have

1:37

just he hasn't had a bite yet. Introduced

1:40

PPJ to

1:43

it's literally heaven on a

1:45

plate. And this I'm

1:47

going to just say hashtag not an ad. The

1:50

Percy Pig Jam sandwich from M&S is

1:54

a thing of beauty in all that

1:57

is that that you're going to like it, PPJ.

2:00

It is once you've tasted that you will

2:02

be off to M&S hashtag not an ad. They

2:05

are very nice. You had two yesterday.

2:07

What are they? What are they called?

2:09

The Percy Pig Jam sandwich. They're the

2:12

children's thing. They are, but they're pink.

2:14

Children's biscuits. They're pink deals with a

2:16

wodge of jam and a wodge of

2:18

cream filling and slightly

2:21

strawberries levered, heaven on a

2:23

plate. That's very nice. Oh, I thought you'd

2:25

like it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

2:27

We may have to get supplies in for PPJ.

2:30

PPJ who I have to say rocking a

2:33

very good sock today with cycles on it, bicycles

2:35

on it. What about my socks? Yes. So we

2:37

have Mr. Whitehall rocking a lobster

2:39

sock. I bought in an airport. Bought

2:41

in Kansas airport with all the other

2:44

purposes. With that very nice man. I'm

2:46

not sure about those shoes, incidentally. Oh,

2:49

I love, no, I love those shoes. They look

2:51

so good. You've got to persevere. They need wearing

2:53

in, I think. You've got to persevere. How much

2:56

I love new shoes. Because

2:58

we've done this many times on many

3:00

efforts because his feet are nightmare. Anyway,

3:03

we've got lobster socks from Mr. Whitehall,

3:06

bicycle socks from PPJ, who's

3:08

still enjoying his Percy pig

3:10

jam sandwich. Dry

3:12

them deals because they are, well, actually, if you're,

3:14

if you're like me and like to just

3:16

slightly watch the calories, not a packet

3:18

to have in the house. Just say.

3:20

I was never very good actually on

3:22

new. Most things,

3:25

new women, definitely. I

3:27

mean, wife, number

3:30

one. Yeah. Wife, number two. Wife

3:32

number one, what? Five years. Sorry.

3:35

Girlfriend in the middle who took you to

3:37

court, which we've done, I feel. Eight

3:40

years. Oh yeah, but that's still only

3:42

three women in my life, really. Annabelle

3:45

Croft's mother, allegedly. Annabelle

3:48

Croft's mother. I

3:51

met once in

3:53

a hotel in Torquay.

3:57

Right. Yes. In Torquay. Yeah.

4:00

When she was 16? Yeah,

4:02

17 I suppose, and I was

4:04

probably the same age. With Barry

4:07

and her sister. And we went

4:09

out together to a sort of

4:12

cafe in Torquay. Was

4:15

it a coffee bar? I don't know what it

4:17

was, but that was the date. 50's

4:20

coffee bar. And I even

4:22

think her mother was probably there.

4:25

Probably present. Yeah, so it wasn't

4:27

exactly an intimate date. Dyls, what

4:29

do you think? Does that count in

4:31

his list of women? No, it doesn't. I

4:34

was far too young and innocent

4:38

to have suggested anything that

4:40

could remotely be called Panky

4:42

Panky. Not

4:44

a chance. I'm counting it, Dyls,

4:46

because otherwise his romantic life's looking a

4:49

bit thin, a bit sparse.

4:53

Maybe I could take on a

4:55

mistress. Yeah, but be my guest.

4:57

I mean, that would free me up a bit.

5:01

You can only take on a mistress though if she's prepared

5:03

to come here and do some of the bloody boring

5:05

jobs I have to do. Like

5:07

the credit card statements with the receipts

5:09

which are currently all over the bedroom

5:12

floor. But you do that because it

5:14

gives you something to do. Otherwise

5:16

you'd just be wandering around

5:19

the house aimlessly with that

5:21

hoover. Yeah, or sitting

5:23

filing my nails. Yeah. The

5:25

dog is so unimpressed because she's a

5:27

woman. The dog is now going

5:30

because she can't believe the,

5:32

what's the word, tenor? Tenor of this

5:34

conversation. It gives you got the dog.

5:36

You can walk the dog. You

5:39

could walk the dog as well. Do you know, Dyls, the

5:41

other day I actually, because I was interested

5:43

to know, because I read an article

5:45

somewhere, I can't remember where, saying

5:48

if you want to extend your life, particularly

5:50

your heart life, when

5:53

you get over 60 you need to walk at least

5:55

300 paces a day. 300

5:58

steps a day. Sorry, 3,000 steps a day. a day

6:00

is what you need to do. So I

6:02

said to Michael, how many steps do

6:04

you think you're doing? And he said,

6:06

I've absolutely no idea what constitutes a

6:08

step. What constitutes

6:10

a step? Putting one foot

6:12

in front of the other

6:15

and propelling yourself forward is

6:17

a step. I am

6:19

one choice in front of him. I say you

6:21

could do it sitting down. Not really. No, it

6:23

wouldn't count. You have to be

6:25

on the move. You have to actually move

6:27

forward, propel yourself forward. That counts as a

6:29

step. I think my propelling

6:32

days are over too. You do

6:34

propel yourself to the park with the

6:36

dog and you do occasionally propel yourself up

6:38

the towpath if you can be bothered to

6:40

the sailing club and back. Well,

6:44

that's called walking. Yes, that's my

6:46

point. Propelling sounds more like

6:48

an aeroplane. An aeroplane

6:51

of a certain age. My point

6:54

being, do you know, because you're trying to get me off

6:56

topic here. What is your point? My point is, I like

6:58

to average 10,000 steps a day. Quite often do more. 10

7:00

to 12 to 14 is my average

7:06

because I have an Apple watch that Jack gave me

7:09

ages ago. A little bit bashed up now. Anyway,

7:11

I put it on Michael's wrist the

7:13

other day. Wasn't happy because he said

7:15

that it kept ringing me as well. It never

7:17

rings me. I don't know. It's on my wrist.

7:20

It's a lovely gift of yours

7:31

from Paris. Just to clarify Michael Whitehall, it was actually

7:33

in New York too. You know, I'm

7:39

a pedant. It wasn't Paris. It was New York.

7:42

We bought Molly a watch for her 21st in

7:44

Paris. We did. Just to be

7:46

clear. But just to clarify, Michael,

7:48

the people ringing that registered

7:51

on my Apple watch were actually calling

7:53

me, not you. But why were they

7:55

calling you on your watch? Because why

7:57

couldn't they call you on your phone?

8:00

You call me on my phone but the watch is

8:02

connected to the phone. Get with the

8:04

technology. In fact, we have an email about

8:06

technology coming up. We'll come back to this. So

8:09

you're going to see people walking around doing a lot

8:11

of... You can actually do hello. Hello, how are you?

8:13

You can go hello. Yep,

8:15

you have to do a bit of that. But my

8:17

other big excitement, Michael, if you could

8:19

let me finish, the

8:21

biggest excitement for me this morning, apart from

8:24

the fact that PPJ has now converted to

8:26

the Percy Pig jam sandwich, is

8:31

that, do you remember Toby, about

8:33

two years ago, as

8:35

a sort of semi-joke, gave me a succulent

8:38

called a mother-in-law's tongue?

8:41

Do you remember that? I do remember that. And

8:44

he gave it to you specifically because

8:46

that's what it was called. Exactly. And

8:48

I've nurtured the mother-in-law's tongue. I speak,

8:50

I talk to her, et cetera, and

8:52

I love her. Anyway, she's

8:55

been burgeoning. So I had to split her

8:57

up from a progeny that she had.

8:59

She didn't like being separated, I can tell you.

9:01

She did, she's doing fine. Yeah, but she is

9:03

now, but at the time, it was a shock.

9:05

Yeah, because I've... It was a shock for all

9:07

the family. We never dreamt

9:10

for a moment that it might

9:12

separate, but it did and thrived.

9:14

There are now, they're in two

9:16

separate pots. And the progeny... Divorce

9:19

often does that for people, actually.

9:21

What makes them thrive. Yes, you

9:23

live with somebody and you're

9:26

just out of... You can't take

9:28

it anymore. Yeah, you're squashed. And

9:30

you wouldn't dream of separating. But

9:32

if you do separate, sometimes

9:35

it works incredibly well. And

9:38

for both parties. Don't think I don't

9:40

think that on a sort of every morning

9:42

basis. I think, should I? Because

9:44

I could flourish without it.

9:47

Well, we've got two really

9:50

flourishing mother-in-law's tongue.

9:53

To the point, I'm

9:55

going to have to post a picture because it's

9:57

so cute. The progeny has... flowered.

10:00

Who knew that they flowered? And

10:03

the really weird thing about the flower of

10:05

said progeny of the mother-in-law's tongue is

10:08

that she comes out at night. So

10:11

during the day, she's all folded up and

10:13

then at night she bursts into life. I

10:15

took a picture of it last night and

10:17

this morning she's all folded up again. I wonder

10:20

why you were doing downstairs in the middle

10:22

of the night. I was talking to the

10:24

mother-in-law's tongues progeny. So you're getting up in

10:26

the middle of the night to see a

10:29

plant which

10:31

produces a flower at

10:34

night and then

10:36

you're coming back to bed and then

10:38

when you wake up you say, I'm

10:40

tired now. You say, of course you're

10:42

tired, you spent the whole fucking night

10:44

looking at that plant. I love it,

10:46

the flower. Dear

11:00

M&H, I needed to

11:03

share this with you because although

11:05

it's not your fault, you

11:07

did play a part. Oh,

11:10

right. I'm a legal

11:12

secretary at a local

11:14

solicitor's and I

11:17

consider myself diligent and

11:19

hardworking and this is

11:22

borne out by the fact that

11:24

I'll often stay late to

11:26

get things done. There's a woman. What's

11:29

the name at the bottom of the letter? My boss is

11:33

very kind, generous, it

11:43

sounds like me when I was

11:45

working. Hard, bloody hard. I

11:47

mean that's the exact opposite to

11:50

you. Appreciates what I do and

11:53

if I'm going to stay late,

11:55

he'll often invite me to use

11:57

his office, which I'm grateful

11:59

for. He's got a

12:01

big comfy chair and a grand

12:04

desk with lots of space. So

12:07

it's a nice perk. I bet he hasn't got

12:09

a throne like you used to have. You

12:11

had a throne where you were

12:13

positioned higher than anyone that came in to see

12:16

you. You put them on the sofa. That wasn't

12:18

deliberate. So that they had to look up to

12:20

you. The throne was quite high. I

12:23

think it was... Did Judi Dench give you the

12:25

shot? No, no, she gave you the shot. No. Okay,

12:28

sorry. I digress. I was an

12:30

American agent, I remember who I went

12:32

through. You've got your hand across your mouth

12:34

now. There was an American agent that I

12:36

went to see when I was in Los

12:38

Angeles as a young, thrusting

12:41

young agent. Well, already you're talking bollocks because

12:43

you said you'd never been to Los Angeles

12:45

before we went there in 2000 and... Right,

12:48

well I must have lied to you then. Okay. And

12:51

he was sitting. You heard it here, D-O-S.

12:54

He's admitted to life. He

12:56

was sitting on a genuinely

12:59

raised seat that you approached

13:01

up some steps. So

13:04

he sat behind his desk, up

13:07

in the... Is

13:09

that called a dais or a dais? Yes,

13:11

it could be called that. Yep. And

13:14

would talk to you from that angle. So

13:17

then when I started having

13:20

my own business and things, I thought... I'll

13:23

have a dais. And I went

13:25

to this antiques place with... It

13:28

was one of my clients and

13:30

I can't remember which one. And

13:33

he said, Michael, that's got your

13:35

name written all over it. Yep.

13:38

That throne. Yep. And

13:40

you could sit behind your office

13:43

and look down on all your clients.

13:45

And I said, well, I do anyway.

13:47

So I suppose it would be

13:49

appropriate for me to have a throne. And

13:52

a throne you have got. Last week I

13:54

was finishing off some bits and I've read

13:56

all this before long. No, you

13:58

haven't. Most way

14:01

because finishing off some cases when the

14:03

day and his office yeah on thought

14:05

I'd listen to your podcast This I've

14:07

worked well. Damn pay. My boss has

14:09

an Alexa speaker in his office. Okay,

14:12

it's a bit like the speaker I

14:14

bought you that connects to your fancy.

14:16

you can listen to your think stuff

14:18

on your friends. For a speaker. So.

14:21

I blew to to my son

14:24

I'm a little did I say

14:26

hey this is going way over

14:28

his head She was pacing have

14:30

phone was a new just stay

14:33

with it Michael I bluetooth my

14:35

phone. says. That's yep

14:37

The Alexis I have high

14:39

winds. I have some colds

14:42

away. As i finish

14:44

my was come before long of

14:46

as old down all fi once

14:48

yeah I see so far so

14:50

good. Glad to be chuckling Glad

14:52

the museum. The next

14:54

day, just slide Michael on

14:56

the plane. I. Was trying

14:59

to connect my phone to might

15:01

headphones yeah, to listen to some

15:03

of your wits rings. Yet more

15:06

of our series. To.

15:08

Listen to more of your whisperings.

15:10

Yeah! It just wasn't

15:13

connecting. Wants a pain?

15:15

The. Episode was playing but

15:17

I couldn't hear it in

15:20

my ears. Waltz Was I

15:22

doing wrong? Question.

15:24

Mankind I was heartthrob an exclamation

15:26

mark the up. But. Tech

15:29

savvy, Of. Probably worked

15:31

out. But. I my

15:34

surprise attacks are they have

15:36

likely been automatically connected. It

15:38

sells the up said the

15:40

alexa. In. My boss's

15:42

office? Yeah. Go

15:44

to Michael Know rarely. Says Husain.

15:47

It connected to his speaker. Rather

15:49

like. Your. Cat very

15:51

calmly and I'm amazed this

15:53

got through the cards at

15:55

so it's so complicated It's

15:57

not complicated, just keep going.

16:00

The idea of is now

16:02

playing loudly in that round

16:04

the been in my ears

16:06

as intended. If. He'd

16:09

have been if he'd

16:11

have been alone. He'd.

16:13

Have no doubt seen the

16:15

funny side. But. He

16:17

wasn't. He was joined

16:20

by a client who was

16:22

in to talk about his

16:24

very sad drawn out. Expensive.

16:28

The. Vols soaps Who said they

16:30

certainly didn't want you to

16:32

hear about. The. Ferris

16:34

gangs on in the sixties. I

16:38

think if we're ever had a divorce,

16:40

I've wanted cheap one to be on

16:42

Aca month. This point being Michael. That you

16:44

will get one. Of. The reason I

16:46

say that is because whenever you sell. We could

16:49

spit out with get Divorced I've to have

16:51

one at just one. Statement Tales I'd actually

16:53

turn his face a said daddy To think

16:55

that it, you couldn't afford it. Because

16:58

he couldn't. I'd

17:00

take him for the words cleaners and

17:02

taking to. Spring to mind.

17:04

Just said. Needless to say,

17:07

I was mortified. I.

17:10

Apologize profusely. As long as

17:12

it is, it's worth the

17:14

average eyes profusely. It's of

17:16

the cons and my boss

17:18

who pointed out still probably

17:20

a bit cross but handling

17:22

it quite well did it

17:25

was a good job. I

17:27

was listening to the West

17:29

ring Why Souls or not

17:31

Some a run Six Eight

17:33

Seven Oh hello. Or.

17:35

A Man or ballad

17:38

about blogs last. Name.

17:41

Anyway, I. Learned a

17:43

lesson the hard way. Even.

17:46

After your advice about

17:48

bluetooth headphones on the

17:50

part com yeah. On.

17:53

regards submit soon as friendly

17:55

know he likes he says

17:57

he says formal Yeah.

18:00

And with two kisses. Yeah, nice.

18:03

Just as well she wasn't listening to Cardi B's WAP.

18:06

That might have got them all. Do you

18:08

remember? Jack was like to

18:10

reference the fact that he's

18:13

had one or two moments with Cardi B's WAP

18:15

in inappropriate places. Oh dear, who

18:17

are you talking about? Who is Cardi

18:19

B? She's a

18:22

Cardigan character.

18:24

No. No? She's

18:26

a woman who wears a lot of Cardigans. Yes.

18:30

She's an American rapper,

18:32

singer. Yeah,

18:34

she's quite extreme there. There's not a lot

18:36

of clothing. Don't you wear a lot of

18:38

Cardigans? Look, I wouldn't say Cardigans were her

18:41

go-to item of clothing. No. There's

18:45

a fascias and bras and... Cardigan.

18:47

Very short. And Cardigan. Yeah.

18:49

Anyway. Well the Earl of Cardigans

18:51

could be related to... The

18:54

Cardigans are a very distinguished family.

18:57

Is there still an Earl of

18:59

Cardigan? Is there? Yeah. Seriously?

19:01

I'm going to have to say, PPJ? Is there

19:04

an Earl of Cardigan? I need

19:06

help here. I would guess there is. And

19:10

you'd call him Lord Cardigan if you

19:12

met him, not Earl of Cardigan. Would

19:14

you call Cardi B Lady Cardi? Earl

19:19

of Cardigan is a title in the

19:21

period of England currently held by the

19:23

Marquesse of Alesbury and used as a

19:25

courtesy title by their heir apparent to

19:28

that Marquesse. Yes.

19:33

Yeah. We gave you that one. What

19:35

a beautifully red information too.

19:39

Beautifully red. I think I can...

19:41

I'm on very, very, very firm

19:43

ground, Michael, when I say that Cardi

19:46

B is not related to the Earl

19:48

of Cardigan or indeed his heir apparent.

19:50

I could ring Neil and ask him.

19:54

I'm not sure that Neil would know Cardi

19:56

B was. He would definitely know about the

19:58

Earl of Cardigan. cardigan. I've

20:01

got a feeling, this is absolutely

20:03

off the top of my head.

20:05

Is this Earl's top trumps coming

20:07

up? Yeah. Okay.

20:10

I've just got a feeling that

20:13

he was involved, quite

20:15

seriously involved, with

20:18

the charge of the Light Brigade. Oh, okay.

20:21

Yeah. Okay. Yep, I'll

20:23

take that one. The charge of the Light Brigade.

20:26

Yeah. With the Earl of Cardigan. The Earl

20:28

of Cardigan. The charge first. I

20:30

was there. Am I right? Yes! I'm

20:32

right. Michael White, you are on fire.

20:34

Yeah. Okay, what I can

20:36

absolutely categorically say... Oh, there he is. Look

20:39

at him. Oh, there's a picture of him. The Big Mist

20:41

star. I think we

20:43

need that picture. We definitely do. And

20:45

do you think he's related to your

20:47

singer? I was about to say, I

20:49

think we can safely say that at

20:53

the charge of the Light Brigade, no

20:56

Cardi B. No. Definitely

21:00

not Cardi B. But the Earl of Cardigan,

21:02

yes, he led it by the looks of

21:04

things. Yeah, he was very big on... Big

21:06

on the charge of the Light Brigade. On

21:08

charges, actually, basically. Okay. He was

21:10

very, very good at a charge. Yeah. And

21:14

if you were going to charge, people

21:17

would often get in touch with

21:19

the Earl of Cardigan and say,

21:21

what is your availability? Although I

21:23

seem to remember, I mean, my knowledge of the

21:25

charge of the Light Brigade is patchy, to

21:28

say the least, not a period I've studied. I

21:31

don't think it was a resounding success. No. In

21:35

fact, I think it was a bit of an epic failure for the

21:37

British Army, isn't it? It's a bit more of a longer story than

21:39

that. Yes, it's more complex than nuance. I

21:41

don't think we have time for that. I'm not sure

21:43

we've got time to bear down, bored. I'm

21:46

not sure we've got time to bore down into the charge of

21:48

the Light Brigade. No. Okay.

21:50

But we could maybe on another episode, if somebody

21:52

would like to email in with

21:54

a charge of the Light Brigade

21:56

themed email, we'll cover it. We could

21:58

do a charge of the... The project

22:01

special. We

22:04

could get nail involves. I got quite a

22:07

long. As animation emotions

22:09

of the library I can

22:11

probably not allow wonderful fell

22:13

mad when in my view

22:16

I am sensing days David

22:18

Hemming So yes, Mom burns

22:20

Yeah, I'm Trevor Howard. Yeah,

22:23

Ah, Chong

22:25

Gail Good. That

22:29

I'm feeling Jong Gil does not apply

22:31

to deal with Cottingham. Right

22:33

sector or eating don't deal. That would have been

22:35

on a horse leading the charge of. The Light

22:37

Brigade internet movie more him and he was

22:39

obviously young girl. oh hang on tape is

22:42

as good. For more information. Trevor

22:45

how I that's out there are like

22:47

as yeah. I'm.

23:04

I'm just pulling it right back on topic

23:06

now. I'm thrilled that P has

23:08

written in the the anecdotes his face on

23:10

it's very yeah Michael because as you

23:12

know on the airplane you were told

23:14

off by as says First Summer and

23:16

Matt Trevor Hard. And I

23:18

to justify while he was one local the

23:21

like the side with one the full in

23:23

them. All as

23:25

a brief encounter he was in

23:27

a busy lives always. I wonder

23:29

how friendly says momma. But the

23:31

problem with Trevor he has. He

23:33

did take a drink. he liked

23:35

to drink. Yeah and. The. First

23:37

some I met him. yeah he told

23:40

me a story. That

23:42

he was driving on

23:44

the Am for most

23:46

away somewhere? Yeah right.

23:49

Yeah. and. He.

23:51

Was drinking. While.

23:53

he was driving scott don't say so he

23:55

had a drink and i just say deals

23:57

not scared and goran not on a topic

24:00

he drank quite a lot

24:02

of vodka and tonics. And

24:05

the police came up behind

24:07

him and flashed the lights

24:09

and stopped him. And

24:12

he rolled down the window and said,

24:15

oh, good evening, awful, awful,

24:17

awful. And the officer said,

24:20

oh, excuse me, sir, but have

24:22

you been drinking? And Trevor said,

24:25

me drinking? No. Why?

24:27

Could you turn this way to the

24:29

microphone? Sorry, I'm staying there. I know,

24:31

but you need to play it that way,

24:34

Michael. That way, that's your camera. That's your

24:36

microphone. God, sorry, Dioz.

24:39

How many episodes in a wee 110

24:42

or something and you still don't know how to do it?

24:44

So he said, oh, this is all here.

24:46

And the... So what did he say?

24:48

He said, oh, awful, awful, awful. And

24:52

he was actually holding a glass as well.

24:57

So the officer said, I think

24:59

I know who you are, sir, don't I? And

25:01

he said, I don't know whether you know who

25:04

I am, but I don't know the

25:06

fuck you are. And the policeman said,

25:08

look, sir, I'm sorry, I'm going to

25:11

have to ask you to step out

25:13

of the car. Surrender

25:15

your keys. So he

25:17

said, I'm sorry, will

25:19

you please step out

25:22

of the car? So

25:24

Trevor opened the car door, got

25:28

out and then burst into fits

25:30

of laughter as the

25:33

policeman looked across

25:36

and saw that it was a left

25:38

hand drive car. And there was a

25:40

chauffeur sitting in the other

25:42

seat. And Trevor had

25:45

done this whole thing as

25:47

a sort of wind up. And

25:51

I thought that was a very good story. And

25:53

only Trevor Howard could do it because

25:57

there was no acting required, but the drunk,

25:59

see, no. I knew it. But

26:02

quite a good story, though. Very good story.

26:04

Have I told that before? No. I

26:06

had a story too about somebody drinking

26:08

in the car with me. I used to do, in

26:11

my very, very extreme youth, I used to work

26:13

on the directors courses at the BBC and I

26:16

was like a sort of

26:18

dummy presenter. Dummy being the operative word.

26:21

Dummy presenter slash performer for

26:23

the directors to then train. It was called

26:25

the BBC directors course. And a

26:28

lot of famous alumni went through this

26:30

directors course. But the guy who was

26:32

then the floor manager on it was the

26:34

son of a very, very famous acting

26:36

knight who I'm not going to name.

26:38

Why not? Because it's not a

26:40

great story for him. And

26:42

he, for some reason, didn't have a car. And

26:44

I used to give him a lift back to

26:46

London when we'd done the directors course. And

26:49

he would have a bottle of vodka in

26:51

a brown paper bag, which he would

26:53

consume all the way back to

26:56

London in my car. And then he would fall out of the

26:58

car and I dropped him home and I thought, I'm not

27:00

sure this man's going to make old bones behaving

27:03

like that. And indeed he did not. And

27:06

I was too young to say, would you mind not

27:08

swigging vodka in my car all the way

27:10

home so that by the time I get

27:13

you to your door, you're incoherent? Was the

27:15

brown paper bag a dual purpose bag for

27:17

him throwing up into the place? He never

27:19

threw up, but it wasn't great. And this

27:22

man was a knight? No, his father

27:24

was a knight. And I'm not going to

27:26

say which one, but it was not great. Not

27:29

great. And I felt very sorry for

27:31

him because clearly he was a man with one or

27:33

two issues. He was quite sad. I

27:36

think he never really lived up to

27:38

his father's reputation

27:40

slash expectations. I mean, you know,

27:42

you can imagine having a very

27:44

famous father who's a knight and

27:46

well respected and revered. You've

27:48

got to live up to that. Well, Jack's had that

27:50

problem with me, of course. Yeah. Although

27:53

I'm not a knight. Very

27:56

nice letter. So thank you, Pete. There's a

27:58

lot of initials today, actually. Right,

28:00

I'm going to read this one. Right. Hello,

28:03

the Whitehalls. I've opted

28:06

for equal billing rights to avoid inactisations

28:08

of favoritism. Ha! Quite

28:10

right to. Whilst not

28:12

an international DL, I am a doddle. Well

28:15

done. Writing in from Sunny

28:17

Hove, and I'm in need of some

28:19

urgent advice. I live in a shared

28:21

house with two other people, and we've recently went through

28:24

a change of housemate. On the

28:26

surface, our new housemate seems like

28:28

a lovely person, and although she

28:30

is quite heavily, heavenly, heavily opinionated

28:32

on controversial subjects such as the

28:35

royals, politics, current affairs, etc. All

28:38

of those to be avoided. I've overlooked

28:40

this as I assumed

28:42

that maybe she's just haphazardly using those

28:45

subjects as conversation starters in

28:47

a bid to break the ice. Anyway,

28:49

I digress. Whilst getting

28:51

ready to go to bed the other evening, I was

28:53

greeted by a sudden waft of what I can only

28:56

describe as perfumed smoke. I didn't

28:58

think much of it until I opened my bedroom door,

29:00

where I was hit with a brick wall

29:02

of overbearing fragrance, and

29:05

it was then that I realised our

29:08

new housemate was burning incense. Now,

29:11

I'm not an unreasonable person to live in, and I

29:13

firmly believe that our new friend should be able to make

29:15

this her home, as much

29:17

as us already living here have done.

29:20

But I simply cannot abide the smell of

29:22

burning incense, especially as it fills the entire

29:24

house, even when our doors are shut. My

29:27

other housemate and I are both in agreement

29:29

that this needs to be brought to an abrupt

29:31

stop, but we're at odds on how

29:33

to broach the subject. I'm more

29:35

Mr Whitehall, and she's more Mrs Whitehall.

29:38

Good cop, bad cop. Or actually the way

29:40

you've written it, bad cop, good cop. Just

29:43

saying, I am not the bad cop. I

29:46

desperately need your help with love and best

29:48

wishes, Jay. What do you think,

29:50

Michael? Well,

29:52

first of all, I thought it was going to be that ghastly vaping

29:54

thing. Oh, hello,

29:57

we're off now. Here we go. People

30:02

who do it look ridiculous.

30:05

I don't want to. I'm not going to say

30:07

anything about that because it will end up. Oh,

30:09

a bit late now, but you've said it now.

30:11

I'm just moving on. You've said it. You've got

30:14

the rant out there, yeah. I'm

30:16

quite entirely by

30:18

chance. Here

30:21

we go. I have a lot of knowledge about

30:24

the smell of incense because, of

30:26

course, like I

30:29

think he wouldn't mind me mentioning this,

30:32

but like James O'Brien, I went to a

30:34

school run by monks. Benedictine

30:41

monks, yeah. And if

30:44

you're talking about a Benedictine monk,

30:46

you're talking about incense. No,

30:49

sorry. No. I'm

30:51

talking about incense because they

30:53

were obsessed with lighting things.

30:56

And I actually quite liked it.

31:00

I mean, I wouldn't want it in my own

31:02

home or house, but

31:06

I used to, when I was, I

31:08

wouldn't say active, but when I

31:11

was a churchgoer, I

31:14

used to quite like smell and

31:17

indeed I did at one point,

31:20

because you had to get involved with

31:22

these services at the school that James

31:24

O'Brien and I went to, but not

31:26

together. OK. There

31:29

was a thing called the Curifer. Oh,

31:32

hello. And I really love that.

31:34

It was all a swinging handbag,

31:36

basically. You went

31:38

so boom, boom, boom, boom,

31:41

boom, boom, boom, boom,

31:43

boom, boom. And I love being

31:45

that person because it had

31:47

a bit of showbiz

31:49

about it. And

31:51

so you carried the thing in the

31:55

front of the thing

31:57

and then all the monks processed after

31:59

you. And then you'd

32:02

start doom-doom-dooming them, and

32:05

then they'd start doom-doom-dooming

32:07

you back. And

32:10

then the thing went on. And

32:13

the place had a very strong

32:15

smell of incense everywhere. And

32:18

there was one particular monk

32:20

who was a really expert

32:23

man. And he said

32:26

to me, can I help you, Whitehall?

32:28

I said, very only... Formal

32:30

in those days. The monks

32:32

did not call you by your Christian name.

32:34

They called you by your surname. Whitehall,

32:37

can I give you a few tips?

32:40

Because my problem when I was doing

32:42

the theorefer... Sorry, I just wanted to

32:45

correct you. Is it not called a

32:47

theorefer? The person who does

32:49

the wafting is called the theorefer.

32:51

But he is wafting the censor.

32:54

Really? Yes. Never ever

32:56

use that. Censor, a container in which

32:58

incense is burned during a religious ceremony.

33:00

No way. Theorefer, an acolyte

33:03

carrying a censor in a religious sense

33:05

ceremony. That was me. You

33:07

were the acolyte. Yes, I was. The theorefer.

33:09

I still am an acolyte. I mean,

33:12

my life is to other people.

33:14

I mean, I'm your acolyte. Yep.

33:17

And our producer's acolyte. I'm here to

33:19

help people. Nigel Haver's acolyte. Absolutely. Yes,

33:21

he's got him in the air. Yes.

33:25

Do you want to

33:28

say what acolyte

33:30

means? It

33:38

was quite difficult to

33:41

get that bit going because you had to hold

33:43

it up and then you went dum, dum,

33:45

dum, and then pulled it back. And

33:47

you went up again and went dum, dum, dum. Because

33:49

you had to do it three times. Yes, you had

33:52

to do it three times. It was quite heavy. Yep.

33:55

And it was also quite hot because

33:57

it had got the... Burning incense. The

33:59

incense. in it which had been lit and

34:02

you could cause

34:05

carnage if you didn't

34:07

do it properly. I mean there

34:10

was an occasion, I wasn't

34:12

there and I not necessarily believe

34:15

it, but there was a time

34:17

when one monk was

34:19

doing that boom, boom, boom to

34:22

another monk who was being

34:24

given the boom, boom, boom and

34:27

a bit of that stuff, that

34:29

charcoal, whatever it was, shot out,

34:33

hit him on the habit and

34:35

the habit caught fire. Now I

34:37

never believed that story. I'm, yes,

34:40

I feel embellishment has been involved

34:42

here. If you think the monk

34:44

who's being Furoford,

34:48

which wasn't the... He is the Furoford

34:50

and he's got the censor. But

34:53

the one who's getting that done

34:55

to him, what would he be

34:57

called? The recipient? I suppose, the

35:00

recipient of the... What's

35:04

her name? The

35:06

Furoford. Yes. And

35:10

the person that was blamed for that

35:12

obviously was the one who was doing

35:14

the boom, boom, boom, which is what

35:16

I was doing. But

35:18

I never had anything shooting out

35:21

of mine because I made absolutely

35:23

sure that it was all nice

35:25

and settled. It was like lighting

35:27

a little fire in a

35:30

silver thing. I've

35:32

done some further research on my

35:34

phone. There

35:37

is a word called theurable, okay?

35:40

And a theurable is a

35:42

metal censor suspended from chains in which

35:44

incense is burned during worship services.

35:46

Yes, well that's what it is.

35:48

So a theurefah is the person

35:51

who then deals with the theurebal

35:53

or the censor. It's very confusing,

35:55

this. Very, very

35:57

confusing. No, so I was the

35:59

theurefah. They slow I was a he

36:01

or have fun. On the sea

36:03

or a bowl. Was. The saying

36:05

that have the incense and it's

36:08

and then he went boom boom

36:10

boom and down and then gun

36:12

dum dum. Serve as a

36:14

bomb in the middle and them one

36:16

either side. But. If you got

36:19

it wrong, Urine. Zonal months

36:21

we're not playing. Yep, I. Can I

36:23

think on this occasion? I mean,

36:26

you're slightly. I'm.

36:28

Picking the wrong person with Michael because as

36:30

I think I've referenced before, He

36:32

loves to smell in the house or we have

36:35

scented candles. Every way we have rooms.

36:37

phrases man, I've got out the

36:39

right. I was about Michael. Love

36:41

the smell I com intersect. Since.

36:46

Come in the smell stance as. A

36:49

princess diary or his

36:51

mind and peu but

36:53

it has have sold

36:56

bodied A oh nosy

36:58

nosy send me. Know

37:01

Michael does not love it as

37:03

other males. You. Love

37:05

a sense yes and off to

37:08

save or like I had asked

37:10

him, I buy a very expensive

37:12

perfume. you do. I've got

37:14

a video which I was sarah

37:17

on socials a view. One

37:19

hundred percent you far said which is why you

37:21

spray he was spraying in the worm and then

37:23

you spread behind you. And. The that

37:26

mrs to Jet or it wasn't you didn't

37:28

night so hours a day isn't nice. filming

37:30

a you love wandering around the house with

37:32

a room spray. Ah, Yes

37:35

I do love and I love it

37:37

because I liked to have a lovely

37:39

sorrow aroma in a room. but I

37:42

don't do it because I go around

37:44

the house. Fall single was on saw

37:46

have to sprout that will have known

37:49

for discuss and just say obvious either.

37:51

I think this is very easy answer

37:53

to J on this one. It's so

37:55

simple. All. You have to do. To.

37:58

say I

38:00

mean, the person who emailed

38:02

me with the protection. Oh right, it

38:04

was so long ago since I read that.

38:07

I read it actually. Oh you read it.

38:09

I don't even remember who read it. Well

38:11

that's because you switch off whenever you hear

38:13

my voice. No, no, no. That's happening on

38:15

marriage now. That is not true. Yes you

38:18

do. It is not true. Yes you

38:20

do. I came home the other day and dishwasher wasn't unloady.

38:23

It's a lovely letter. The washing wasn't in the

38:25

dryer. Hello. No we're not reading it

38:27

again Michael. No, no. I was just

38:30

checking that this is, I desperately

38:32

need your help. Yes, I've got some

38:34

help for Jay. Are you ready for

38:36

my wheeze? Yes. This is it. Wheeze

38:39

is a very good word actually that I'm going to, the

38:42

advice I'm going to give her is relevant to the

38:44

wheeze. Very simple answer to

38:46

this one Jay. You say, I'm

38:48

very sorry to rain

38:50

on your parade, whatever her name is. But

38:53

I'm actually allergic to your incense. I've

38:55

got a terrible rash and I've got

38:57

a slightly wheezy chest. So

39:00

I'm afraid it's out with

39:02

the incense and in with the

39:04

inhalers. I'm

39:07

literally on fire. Well Piazz, I

39:09

mean we've only had time to get through

39:11

two of your emails today. I'm so sorry.

39:13

It's because we went down some quite blind

39:16

alleys with Theurefors, the Earl of Cardigan,

39:18

etc. etc. But

39:20

I hope that you've been

39:22

amused by Mr Whitehall's. The

39:24

thing about our podcast is

39:26

I bet very few people

39:28

knew, for example, that the

39:31

Earl of Cardigan was part of the Charge of

39:33

the Light Brigade. And I

39:35

think that very few people will know that

39:37

Cardi B was not involved with the Charge

39:39

of the Light Brigade. And

39:42

even fewer people will give a fuck. With

39:50

that, I'm going to wrap this up

39:52

and say we will be back on Thursday with a

39:54

bonus ep. And you know we

39:56

love you. You know I'm going to have to go through

39:58

the admin. Please rate, review and subscribe. please subscribe,

40:00

share, and most importantly of all,

40:03

keep those emails coming in because

40:05

we love you, DLS! You

40:07

are our faves. On

40:09

that note, I will say farewell. Goodbye.