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My oldest child turned 19 this week, and I'm feeling a little bit

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nostalgic and a little bit like, can this possibly be real life?

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Do I really have a 19 year old child?

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And add to that the fact that he is currently serving a mission for

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our church and living in Mexico. And that means I have not given that boy a hug in real life

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in person for seven months.

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Man, I am just feeling all the feels.

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And so today for the podcast, what I thought I would do is share with you

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19 things that I have learned from the 19 years that I have been a mom.

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When I think back on that day 19 years ago, when that little boy came into

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my life and made me a mom for the first time, I have so much love for

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that very young, starry eyed version of me that held that baby in her arms

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for the first time, and was just so excited to embark on this journey of

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motherhood with this darling baby boy.

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I felt prepared and excited and hopeful as I started this journey

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and little did I know there was so much that I didn't know that I was

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about to learn through trial by fire.

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And I'm sure you can probably relate because we don't know what we don't

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know until we realize that we don't know it and we're in the middle of it.

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Now I could not possibly ever cover all the things I've learned as

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a parent in one podcast episode.

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So the 19 things that I'm going to share with you today are not

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necessarily the most important things I've learned, but the things that

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I think will be most relevant for you as you are raising teenagers.

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They are not in any particular order, so we're just going

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to dive in and get started. Number one, I am only responsible for my own behavior, and

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that is a big enough job. I used to focus so much on my kids behavior, on what they were doing or not

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doing, and I've realized that really, the only thing I can control is me.

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That's it. And if I just focus on controlling me, how I'm showing up and what

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I'm doing, That is enough to keep me busy for an entire lifetime.

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Now that isn't to say that I never get caught up in worrying about my

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kids behavior, of course I do, and of course I'm teaching and leading

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and guiding as best I can, but my parenting has improved exponentially as

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I have started to focus more on my own behavior and less on my kids behavior.

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Second, welcome all of your child's emotions.

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You don't have to be scared of them. This is a lesson that apparently I need repeated over and over and over in my

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life, because I for sure have been afraid of emotions like fear and anger

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and jealousy, and I really haven't wanted my kids to experience those emotions.

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I really wanted to shut those down in the past, and I've learned so much

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about the importance of allowing our kids to have all of the human emotions.

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And the more I welcome them and invite them into our life,

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the less scary they become. Number three, I don't need to fix or change my kids.

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What I need to do is understand them and appreciate them for who they are.

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So many of the things that I used to try and fix or change about my kids are the

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traits that now are the reason they are successful in the things they're doing.

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They are the traits that are serving them the best.

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And I am so glad that I was not successful in fixing them or changing

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them the way that I thought I wanted to.

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Number four, the power of fun.

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I have learned that there is.

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Immense power in bringing fun into your family, whether it's dance

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parties or game nights or celebrating random holidays or telling dad jokes.

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Those are the things that build connection.

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Those are the things that create an environment for learning.

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They are the things that build love and respect in homes.

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So give yourself permission to have more fun.

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Fun for yourself, fun for your kids, fun as a family: bring fun into

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your home because it is powerful.

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Number five, the most important thing to invest your time and energy into

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is your relationship with your teen. If that is solid and secure, it will get you through all the other stuff.

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Our family has been through some really hard things that I never could

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have anticipated or prepared for.

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But Every time one of those challenges comes along, I am so grateful that

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we have a solid, secure relationship because it makes the whole process of

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getting through the challenge easier.

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And the thing about that is you cannot build that relationship

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in the moment of crisis. It has to be solid and secure before you get there.

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So invest your time, invest your energy, invest everything you have in building

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a solid, secure relationship and it will make all the other stuff so much easier.

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Number six, how you react when your teen shares something with you is

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directly correlated to what they will share with you in the future.

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We have to be so careful about how we react when they tell us about what their

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friend did or what they did or when they make a mistake, because if we freak

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out, it's not going to prevent those things from happening in the future.

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What it's going to prevent is them telling us about it in the future.

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It's going to prevent us from having a relationship where they feel

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like they can trust us, where they feel like they are safe with us.

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So, as hard as it may be, we have to practice our reactions.

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We have to practice staying calm and not freaking out.

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This was really challenging for me to learn, but man,

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it makes such a difference. Number seven, you will see what you look for.

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If you are looking for all the ways your teen is challenging and making

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your life harder, you will see it.

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You will feel it on a deep level.

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But if you start looking for all the good things about your teen, all the

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good they are doing, all the ways they're actually making your life easier, all

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the ways that they are contributing in the world, I promise you will see that.

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You will find so much evidence of how incredible your teen

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is if you just look for it.

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Number eight, I am not responsible when my child is amazing and incredible, and

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I am not responsible when my child is not so amazing and not so incredible.

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So many people compliment me on my incredible kids, but

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I never take credit for that. That is them.

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They are successful of their own right.

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They are choosing to do the things that create all these

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great things in their lives. I don't take credit for that.

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Yes. I've encouraged it. Yes. I'm trying to influence it.

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Yes. I'm trying to help them along the way, but they ultimately get

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to choose who they want to be. And so they get credit for that.

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And the same is true when they're making choices and decisions that

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really are not in their best interest.

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When they're doing things that are not serving them, that are not

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the best things we want for them. No matter how much you teach and try and influence and try and encourage your

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child to make choices that you think will serve them, ultimately it's up to them.

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So, give them all the credit, good and bad, and just know that you get credit for

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showing up and being the parent you want to be, not for how your kids turn out.

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Number nine, I am fully convinced that time speeds up once your child

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goes to middle school and high school. It is as if things are happening in warp speed.

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And so, I have learned that I have to enjoy the moments that are happening.

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I can't wait till the next season, till this year's over,

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till this sports season's over. I have to enjoy it now because it is speeding by so fast.

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Number 10 is another lesson that I have learned over and over and over in my life.

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And that is that the hardest conversations and situations that I have dreaded having

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with my teen have ended up being the ones that have brought us the closest together.

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Because we started out with a secure relationship, those conversations and

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those situations, have actually been the times when my teens have learned that they

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can trust me, that they can lean on me, that they can come to me with literally

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anything, and I am there for them.

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As I look back on my years of parenting, I realize that these Really hard

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conversations and really hard situations are ones that I would never trade for

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anything Because of what they have done for my relationship with my kids

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Number 11, when my needs aren't met I am NOT gonna show up as

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the parent that I want to be. I'm not as patient.

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I'm not as understanding I'm not as available I'm not as

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connected as I want to be.

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So, Meeting my own needs is my job and I need to make sure I am

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doing that If I want to show up and be the parent that I want to be.

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Number 12, bad behavior does not equal a bad kid.

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I believe that all kids are inherently good, even our teenagers, they inherently

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want to do good in the world and they're learning and they're growing and they're

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falling short because they don't have all the skills they need to regulate

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themselves and to make good decisions and to make good choices that are

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going to serve them in the long run. But their behavior does not define who they are.

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It is just a symptom of a skill they need to develop or a need

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that they are not getting met. When we can see our kids through this lens, man, the whole world opens up to

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us as parents, instead of focusing on changing behaviors and consequences and

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taking away phone time and all of those things, we start to focus on seeing

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them for who they are, on recognizing where they are falling short in the

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skills that they have and recognizing where their needs aren't being met.

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That is when we can meet them where they are and then the

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behavior changes on its own.

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Number 13 being the grown up who follows ,through is hard.

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It is hard and sometimes it is really Inconvenient, but in the long run

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it is so worth it to become a secure consistent person for your child.

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I remember when my oldest was little, we used to go to playgroup, and I had this

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great group of girlfriends that we would meet up with, and I loved that time.

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I looked forward to it so much because I was a stay at home mom, and so it

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was just kids all day, and that was my time to connect with my friends.

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Well, my oldest was pretty solid and taller than everyone else and he knew it

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and if he wanted to get his way He would shove the other kids push them down.

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And I could not for the life of me figure out why he was doing this.

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We did not use any kind of Physical punishments in our home.

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We didn't even yell like he did not see violence or

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aggression in his life anywhere.

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And I could not figure out why he did it. But I knew that I had to do something about it.

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And so we made a deal that if he pushed another kid down at play group, we were

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going to have to immediately leave. And sure enough, he tested me on it.

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And every single time we'd get to play group, they'd be playing nicely and

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about 15 minutes in he'd shove some kid.

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And I had to decide whether or not I was going to follow through.

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It was the worst. I had to pick up my baby and pick up this three year old who did not want to leave,

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and I had to head to the car and miss out on my time with my friends because I

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had to be the adult and follow through. And it took a long time for him to figure it out, but over time he realized my mom

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will do what she says she's going to do.

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And our kids actually crave that.

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They need that. They need us to be the solid, secure person that is going to be consistent.

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That they can come to and know how we're going to respond,

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how we're going to react. It is so important that we follow through even when it's hard and

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even when it's inconvenient. Not in a mean way, not in an angry way.

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That we show up and do what we said we were going to do, even though it's hard.

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Number 14, there is nothing more painful or more rewarding than watching

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your teen go through hard things. I have watched my kids go through some really, really hard things.

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And it is excruciating as a mom to watch your kids suffer.

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To watch them struggle. And if you're willing to go beyond the pain that you feel inside, watching

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them go through it, and you start to see how this is shaping them, who they

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are showing up as in this challenge, it is also one of the most beautiful

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and rewarding experiences of your life.

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Seeing your teen through that lens. is incredible and it will change your relationship with them forever.

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Number 15 is for any of you moms out there who have a kid who doesn't share

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all the things with you, who doesn't open up about all the things in their lives.

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And it is that just because a kid doesn't tell you all the things does not mean

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you don't have a close relationship. It is absolutely possible to have a really close connected relationship

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where they know they can trust you. They know you are safe.

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They know you are secure. And they're just not big talkers.

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That has absolutely been my experience with one of my kids.

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And for the longest time, I thought that it meant something

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was wrong with our relationship. All of my friends had kids that talked to them and told them everything.

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And this kid didn't tell me anything, but it wasn't anything

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wrong with our relationship. It was just who that kid is.

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He's not a big talker. He's not a big sharer.

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And that's okay. Number 16.

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The little stuff matters. Since my oldest has been out of our home, it has been so fun for me to see

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the things that he has taken with him.

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The little things that I didn't even know he cared about or mattered to him

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at all, that he has been implementing in his apartment with his companion.

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And it's been really fun to see that those little things that we

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did for so many years had an impact.

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And they mattered to this kid. Number 17, say yes more often.

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I am definitely guilty of automatically saying no to a lot of things that I don't

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want to deal with, but I have learned the power of saying yes more often and

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the power of turning no's into yeses.

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I did a whole podcast episode on this, so I will link that in the show notes

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if you want to check that out and learn how to turn your no's into yeses.

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Number 18, you and your teen are on the same team.

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You're working toward the same goal and the more you can solve problems

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and work together, the better the experience is going to be for everyone.

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So make sure when you go to tackle a problem, it's not you against them.

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It's you and them against the problem.

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And finally, number 19.

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You will miss the teen years when they are gone.

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I know sometimes as moms, we're in the thick of it and it's hard and

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we're doing all the things and we're struggling and we think, I just can't

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wait till we get through the teen years. I just have to survive the teen years.

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And I a hundred percent get it.

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Sometimes we feel that way, but you will miss this time when it is gone.

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This is the magical time that you have to have a front row seat to watching your

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child become who they're going to become. Don't miss it.

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Enjoy it while you have it. Make the most of the time you have.

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And if you're thinking to yourself, I don't think that's possible.

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I don't think I can do that. I don't even know how to do that.

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You need to come and join me inside of my Enjoy community because

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that is what we learn to do there.

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I hope that sharing this perspective of looking back on the lessons I've learned

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over the last 19 years of being a mom have been helpful for you, have given

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you some hope and some encouragement, and some ideas for how to make the most

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of the time you have with your teen.

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I also hope that this has given you an opportunity to reflect on some

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of the things that you have learned through your experience as a parent.

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And I would love it, love it, if you would go over to Instagram and find

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me @jenbelltate, and send me a DM with some of the lessons that you have

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learned on your parenting journey.