0:02

about

0:03

six years into their their marriage center in

0:05

edna, and felt stuck their

0:08

their relationship was not where they wanted it to be

0:10

and it's it's not this got something massive no

0:12

one cheated, no one was abusive know

0:15

this is a a story really small day-to-day

0:17

things and how how they they can can snowball into something

0:20

much larger until suddenly you're staring

0:22

at at an avalanche but they maybe like the

0:24

baby avalanche but still you're standing

0:26

there wondering, wait, how did

0:28

we get here?

0:31

like we became hyper aware of

0:34

what we don't enjoy in married life

0:37

i felt like oh my god this is not

0:40

the life i thought i'm gonna live the

0:42

both very much loved each other and wanted to

0:44

stay together

0:45

it would most mundane run of the male

0:47

parts of married life that started to take

0:49

a toll on them

0:50

like when it came cleaning their apartment his

0:53

clothes everywhere oh my

0:55

guys he will not is

0:57

it's like impossible for him to does

0:59

like to hang his clothes decently

1:02

that's true shaded that and i

1:04

think i'm she's definitely

1:06

kitchen clean freak whereas

1:08

i'm just a normal cleaner and

1:11

so she like if i clean as

1:13

soon as i'm done cleaning says like while you didn't get

1:15

this and using

1:16

you know i would never do anything illegal go

1:18

into a mile

1:19

era when i was even worse a thing

1:21

because as required cleaned it so like

1:23

you're literally duplicating efforts create

1:26

hundreds

1:28

and yeah stuff like they're like

1:30

well come on

1:32

despite their differences when it comes to cleaning

1:35

their the kind couple who are each other's best

1:37

friends adnan is the type

1:39

of guy seems to know little bit about everything

1:41

on topic is trivia knowledge and

1:43

his dad jokes charmed santa early

1:45

on meanwhile adnan was

1:47

taken by son as deep care for the people

1:49

around her she's the guess friend when anyone

1:52

needs advice at time

1:54

they were living in new york city both kind of workaholics

1:57

supporting each other and making their career goals happen

1:59

the narrow six year then

2:01

i sometimes felt like they weren't speaking the same

2:04

language

2:05

i think that we're both saying

2:07

two totally different things and

2:10

not hearing what the other prisoners

2:12

saying there but emotionally

2:14

charged by our own feelings

2:17

in one topic they especially had a lot

2:19

feelings about the money

2:21

many played the role in

2:24

our relationship we

2:25

don't we had different outlooks on how

2:27

finances wall and work

2:29

in our personal lives the

2:31

relationship with money had this trickle effect

2:34

on their marriage it would end up surfacing

2:36

all these larger anxieties and

2:38

the same can be said with the chores you know the dated

2:40

a recurring a sin realize that that's

2:42

not what they were actually fighting over it

2:45

will take time and a huge shift

2:48

for them

2:48

the get their we've , something

2:50

drastic to get us out of

2:52

the routine and to get

2:55

back on track of these people that sell

2:57

another

2:59

the

3:02

i'm an interface and you're listening to this

3:04

is and when , comes

3:06

to marriage their these unspoken

3:09

rules for what good marriage or

3:11

and it turns into a protocol sad marriage

3:14

then there's then playbook for how to deal with that too

3:17

know have a family vacation and

3:19

if all else fails important but

3:22

, happens if your marriage isn't in in

3:24

first shattering crisis crisis

3:27

also just not quite what you envision

3:30

today envision show today on couple

3:32

navigated this

3:41

the

3:42

i wanna go back in time is

3:44

to the first time

3:46

you are met each other it's

3:48

just like walk me through that

3:51

twenty thirteen but we have a

3:53

mutual friend and there are having a

3:55

housewarming party and

3:57

at the party i you

3:59

know was was hitting on sonos pretty,

4:01

pretty aggressively to let her know

4:03

that he's

4:04

saying, he's going to marry me one day was

4:08

, like the first time i met of random

4:10

guy in all the dirt for yes

4:13

that is over for here respond

4:16

yeah the feelings were not some mutual that first

4:18

night

4:19

then they ran into each other again at a club

4:21

in afterwards adnan asked her out

4:23

the time he would honestly

4:25

just like

4:27

fine dust coolest person

4:29

the world

4:31

super fun loving person

4:33

really happy like to joke around

4:38

then i was twenty four years old at the time

4:40

and had always lived with her pair and a conservative

4:43

relatively religious south asian household

4:46

were dating casually wasn't really a

4:48

saying that neither center

4:50

or add nine were itching to get married

4:52

then it as you wanted different kind of life than

4:54

what she'd seen growing

4:56

i wanted to is stabilize

4:58

my career more than anything in the world

5:01

and i think i always saw people

5:03

in the culture that like that married young

5:06

and then had to give up their

5:08

passion and they're like careers

5:11

in order to like have kids raise

5:13

kids raise and my mom did i

5:15

obviously you know like a lot of our monster

5:18

but after dating adnan that started

5:20

to shift the meeting each other

5:23

without getting too cheesy here the felt

5:25

little like to them

5:27

i don't know if i believe in soul mates by if there

5:29

were ever for mates i think doesn't

5:31

your mind

5:33

the city of millions they'd met someone else

5:35

with a similar background and upbringing palazzo

5:37

paved something

5:39

they don't want to travel the world they don't

5:41

care to have kids and brother

5:43

very career oriented pretty

5:45

quickly they started to think well maybe

5:47

marriage didn't have to be the end of those dreams

5:50

there with every part me those like you're

5:52

too young you're not ready like

5:55

keep it casual then

5:57

there are parts of me whereas i mean i don't wanna

6:00

do anything else but hang out with them about

6:04

eight months into dating then it parents

6:06

found out about the relationship and were

6:08

eager for them to get married one

6:10

night they invited adnan over for dinner

6:13

and when i met them they're only go well

6:15

let's tell your parents and a why don't we set

6:17

a wedding date and then

6:19

i'm weird

6:20

you know what i should do the right thing so that they have

6:22

respect for our relationship

6:25

now i gotta i mean kids i come from muslim

6:27

family to that is that the the out their families

6:29

muslims yes yes sir i

6:31

get it it's like did they have

6:34

different expectations for how quickly a relationship

6:36

said the

6:37

end of wonder how it is is there like even if you want

6:39

to go on a d together you have to

6:41

have your never done richard like the religious

6:43

contract

6:45

mary's yeah you know those photos

6:47

think like oh man imagine being

6:49

more like an american culture and you could just

6:51

openly tell your parents have dating someone knew

6:53

not imagine matter what i like live

6:56

with your partner before getting engaged

6:58

married i know that that's not our

7:00

that i can't imagine that will never happen

7:03

no one after that dinner they got engaged

7:06

and in may twenty fifth seen about year after

7:08

their first state senate moved out of her parents'

7:10

house and she and adnan got

7:12

married

7:13

we just i you know we get married and now get

7:15

to live together and like basically are

7:18

dating would just be twenty four seven

7:20

either is authentic the offensive line

7:24

yeah pretty clear ideas about what they wanted

7:26

and didn't one and a marriage

7:28

our parents come from know course

7:30

being south asian a lot of the marriages

7:33

are

7:34

arranged marriages and the candidly

7:36

grow to love each other and in there

7:38

were from the beginning and very traditional gender

7:41

roles and on

7:43

i just always said to myself to like to like want

7:45

to have marriage were like is

7:48

uncomfortable june june june

7:50

is is

7:52

then about the same way she also didn't

7:54

want them to be her mom and dad and a lopsided

7:56

marriage where they just learn to tolerate

7:58

each other yeah i guess

8:00

for me it was more like constantly

8:03

feeling i get my job

8:05

to make sure that we don't

8:07

fall into the rat that we actually ended

8:09

up finding it too

8:15

than an ad nine moved in together and and

8:17

up

8:18

the minimum when adnan was

8:20

working in accounting and that was between jobs

8:22

doing contract work on in

8:25

upper it did feel like fun it

8:27

was like this never ending sleep over

8:29

the first three months they'd go out to dinner and

8:31

then come home and laugh together at this reality

8:33

tv show about newly weds all

8:36

the married at first they'd

8:38

only dated less than a year before getting married

8:40

without watching these couples sign the not

8:42

at first sight weirdly comforting

8:45

everything was

8:46

going pretty smoothly really

8:48

it wasn't for their first conversation about money

8:51

and things started to slowly chef it

8:55

began one night when they are both sitting in the living

8:57

room each of them on their laptops

8:59

and he was showing me how he budgets has

9:01

money and all the categories

9:03

that he puts money

9:05

into and it was it

9:07

was time in life about i've even seen

9:09

anyone budgeting money my dad never has

9:11

and his life

9:13

so in that moment as a whoa

9:15

you don't budget and

9:17

then sonos at some

9:18

like i said i don't to be honest

9:21

if i have money and make how i

9:23

spend it and if i don't i just don't

9:25

that's crazy that's

9:28

not that's not getting that sir

9:31

i don't even have word for that the account

9:33

in missed going crazy

9:36

then i grew up in a pretty wealthy family that

9:38

paid for the

9:38

college there for much of her life she

9:40

didn't have worry about fine the and

9:42

she didn't have any day the

9:44

euro adnan family was working class

9:46

he had about thirty thousand dollars in student that

9:49

and twenty thousand in credit card debt because

9:51

he's big and managing his finances and

9:54

these an accountant i've not made it though

9:56

that seem like the right thing at time the

9:58

logical thing the older

10:01

i think that it makes most sense for us

10:03

to join our bank accounts and

10:05

i can take care of all our finances

10:07

the

10:09

be the they throw all their money into a joint

10:12

account and senate she'd have access everything

10:14

but adnan would be like the family cfl

10:17

managing all the bills that's

10:19

the only way i've seen marriages operate

10:21

in my life and isaac okay ah that makes

10:23

son

10:24

doubtlessly kind of the moment where he started off

10:26

like super light hearted and

10:28

joking but we didn't really fully

10:30

realize like of this would start

10:33

by putting those

10:35

the stereotypical gender

10:37

roles honor marriage

10:40

because adnan was not only managing the money

10:42

at that point was also the primary breadwinner

10:44

had full time jobs or son his contract

10:47

work was less predictable the

10:49

most days shoes at home searching for a

10:51

job in repaired keep

10:53

these spoken expectations until

10:56

one night they were spoken aloud

10:58

he actually came home late from

11:00

work one day and

11:02

on the laundry was piled up

11:05

and he mentioned

11:07

oh like you

11:10

couldn't do the laundry

11:16

the time adnan was commuting two hours

11:18

each way to work and most nights he'd come home

11:20

at like ten pm feeling totally

11:22

exhausted

11:23

i just saw the laundry has a man

11:26

you know like i'm out here five

11:28

days a week fourteen fifteen hour

11:30

days and you can't take care

11:32

of laundry

11:34

like you mentioned earlier adnan doesn't

11:36

have this rigid outlook of your my

11:38

wife the do these household duties

11:41

the him this wasn't about gender roles

11:43

more just like division of labor

11:45

we're both working then we both split responsibilities

11:48

but while you're not in are going to work

11:51

every morning on your

11:53

feet alleys do the housework

11:55

maybe because this tapped into her worst fears

11:58

about marriage sun did not because

12:00

common and that spear the took as

12:02

sign her marriage was turning into the very

12:04

thing she'd never wanted

12:06

the first moment that i felt

12:08

shock of like wow he

12:10

actually does expect me to

12:13

that been to these traditional role

12:15

of taken care of house while he

12:17

is providing for us financially the

12:20

moment it meter question herself

12:23

as a queen

12:25

am i doing things wrong like

12:27

m a wife now so maybe he's

12:29

right maybe i should

12:32

be stepping into that role

12:34

that you know i've been trained to do my entire

12:36

life by my parents you cook you clean

12:38

that

12:40

was she did after that comment she made

12:42

sure to go grocery shopping to clean the house

12:44

and cook dinner before he got home the

12:46

fact that she wasn't contributing as much financially

12:50

it rattled her and a broader back to how

12:52

she felt growing up around her dad the

12:54

way financially supported her but her car

12:56

for some

12:57

found paid for her college being

12:59

so financially taken care of

13:01

by my died but not given any

13:03

emotional love by hem was

13:05

something that really wounded me so

13:08

i when i got married her

13:10

a non it was like when

13:12

he was providing more financially for

13:14

the house it really triggered

13:16

or have that charm our i was

13:18

a i definitely don't want

13:20

to fall back into these habits were it's like

13:23

oh he is taking care of me financially

13:25

so i'm not i'm not allowed

13:27

to ask for more emotionally

13:30

he was terrified of recreating this dynamic

13:32

with adnan

13:33

craving for his affection only to get it through financial

13:36

support the early in their

13:38

marriage almost every purchase she made

13:40

every financial decision robert

13:42

and them and often filled her with shame there

13:45

is the times you not to happy hour with her sister

13:48

and it it was like seventy dollars

13:51

or something like that and i

13:53

will rating hour ago my gosh

13:55

he's gonna see this on the credit card and

13:57

he's at work and i'm out having fun

13:59

and i felt

14:01

so incredibly guilty the

14:04

thing is adnan wouldn't actually

14:06

get mad her seventy dollar happy or rebels

14:09

i've never had one said no

14:11

don't go do that don't go jesus like

14:13

as long as we stay budget for the month will

14:16

adjust you know based on are spending per

14:19

se le grange this was like had that

14:21

mentality and such couldn't see

14:23

like literally couldn't spend money

14:25

staff first year

14:28

meanwhile

14:28

adnan was also struggling with his own financial

14:31

anxieties also something from him

14:33

childhood

14:33

many

14:36

with always tight has family and his

14:38

dad said a really extreme example how

14:41

to be financially conservative he

14:43

worked seventy hours a week two jobs

14:45

never took vacation and

14:47

now as the quote unquote breadwinner of his

14:49

own family adnan was basically

14:51

falling into old family patterns and south

14:54

being frugal with money even though he

14:56

didn't always need to be

14:58

like every decision we made to buy

15:00

anything in the house like i would always we

15:02

talk about a wheelie at hockey to death i

15:04

remember we're buying i'm an espresso machine

15:07

that really wanted and it like five hundred

15:09

dollars and we just

15:11

talked about two months

15:12

he would add another you did have another threat than

15:15

on a babysitter gonna make you happy to do

15:17

and get it

15:18

or external would also pressure like oh it's

15:20

his money and i also

15:22

pressure like or with our money and

15:25

so i never like

15:28

spend the money in my way

15:30

either

15:35

taking a step back i think it's really interesting

15:37

thinking about what was happening so

15:40

many people among term relationships they

15:42

are both thing their marriage they're the ones their

15:44

fears but the worrying about what the

15:46

other person expected vines make

15:48

sure they didn't disappoint hundred

15:50

and one i dig simple apparent

15:52

that for them and that pressure

15:54

they both put on themselves in

15:56

way that created lot of the topic

15:59

the help of going prophecy

16:03

there are the course of their marriage the dynamic

16:06

did shift bit it did eventually

16:08

get job at company where she was making good

16:10

money and adnan doing more

16:12

of the household chores the

16:14

center had fallen into this routine of doing the

16:16

bulk of them like she was always the one clicking

16:19

you know adnan would say something like

16:21

i never asks you to

16:23

cook this much to clean the

16:26

guy like going out to dinner do

16:28

you're putting that all on yourself

16:31

and then felt like underappreciated

16:33

another what the hell you're not even happy

16:35

that i'm doing this

16:37

meanwhile they were spending nearly twenty four

16:39

seven together they shared the same these

16:42

same friend groups they felt like their

16:44

individual selves we're slowly dissolving

16:46

into their identity as couple

16:48

then there was something that it

16:50

was like whoa like i have no life upside for

16:52

me it just

16:54

felt like felt like in in control of my own life

17:00

over the years they tried to find ways to resuscitate

17:02

their marriage like they started going to

17:04

concerts with their friends were if they did drugs

17:06

and danced may also left new york

17:08

for your to travel the world but

17:11

, goes three that they can be

17:13

hard to sustain those fleeting moments

17:15

of joy and relief or that is

17:17

fleeting so their frustration

17:19

started to turn into disillusionment with merits

17:22

to the point where their desires for something different

17:24

became too big too ignore you

17:27

sleep under the rug until one day

17:29

and fall and then all these things come out and you're like

17:31

okay we have to offer and see

17:33

how would

17:35

they decided to do about this problem

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about uncomfortable this uncomfortable

18:47

uncomfortable this is is

18:50

my name jesse baker and i'm a producer of

18:52

podcast that you haven't got to hear

18:55

it's cold this is dating on

18:57

the show you get hear all good

19:00

to bad super awkward we

19:02

set people up on a series of first dates

19:04

and you also hear the date or sessions with the dating

19:06

coach he didn't follow along to

19:08

see who gets to a second date because

19:11

that's the sign of really great for state right

19:14

listen to the whole season of this is dating

19:16

on apple podcasts the fi

19:18

or wherever you listen

19:22

the straw that broke the camel's back started

19:24

out as good thing about

19:28

five years into their marriage senate decided

19:30

to quit her corporate job and start her own business

19:33

which adnan support it but

19:35

you know startups can take can while to get off the ground

19:37

and even though center was doing some consulting work

19:39

consulting side the longer it took for

19:41

business to take off

19:43

i took that as well then i have the pressure

19:46

of making sure i have a high paying job

19:49

to , sure we can afford life we wanna

19:51

live and then she would say an idea

19:54

say an care about our old i'll analyze

19:56

yeah like i don't need the luxury building

19:59

i was like i can

20:00

the live and shock yeah

20:02

and make my business happen

20:05

an unknown would say well that's nice

20:07

and all but we also have to invest our own

20:09

money to get your business started and

20:12

she would say it was my consulting

20:14

money that i planned my business up

20:17

until then they had pulled all their money and

20:19

spend jointly that at that point

20:22

started feel like that might not be the best

20:24

plan like once you

20:26

say stuff like that was my consulting money that

20:28

soon as i was they are able

20:30

like cool is that are want

20:32

view it like less just how about instead

20:34

of worrying about the money we just separated

20:37

and that way we worry about

20:39

our own finances individually

20:42

the

20:43

that what they decided deal with no

20:45

longer have joint finances and that

20:47

each contribute to the bells but have their own

20:49

bank accounts and live separate financial

20:51

lives

20:52

they use the first step or we realized

20:54

while like we don't have to have everything

20:57

commingled so much and now

20:59

zoc first taste of quote unquote

21:01

freedom we it was the most

21:03

freeing thing the world

21:06

that even with this compromise their marriage

21:08

was still not where they wanted it to be still

21:10

felt stale routine and was

21:12

taking a toll on them especially on

21:14

santa i was gonna really dark place

21:17

and terms like on just

21:20

feeling really disconnected really on

21:22

her the unseen undervalued

21:25

and i was just really

21:27

really i'm happy

21:30

in bickering with a non about every little thing

21:33

finally it all came to had one day when she

21:35

was writing in her journal something she'd

21:37

do help sort through her feelings that

21:39

day she wrote about some of her childhood dreams

21:42

about how like when i was thirteen

21:44

i had a dream of having my own

21:47

business having my own apartment in new york

21:49

city and you know having

21:51

a

21:52

my friends to go out with the and

21:55

a guy that i'm dating who i love

21:57

and we hang out on going date night

21:59

so it's funny because as

22:01

i was reading that was a i

22:04

felt as a really strong feeling

22:07

of regret that i never gone to lives

22:09

that

22:10

he would now in her late twenties questioning

22:13

how life had letter to this point when

22:15

she'd always imagined something diff for herself

22:18

you'd gone from living with her family who she was

22:20

financially dependent on to being in

22:22

marriage where nearly everything she did with

22:24

with adnan in mind i forgot

22:26

that i'm a whole human that

22:27

they deserve to be taken care of and

22:30

cater to buy me

22:33

as you are connecting the dots her mind

22:35

started spiraling if a like they were only

22:37

two options they in this

22:39

marriage and risk feeling resentful

22:43

the board

22:44

my head of and go to any in between says

22:46

no legs middle ground as all nothing

22:48

in this had of mine

22:52

she'd quietly agonize over what to do

22:55

and then one day after journaling she went

22:57

to adnan and shared how she said okay

23:00

like you know

23:01

find it interesting that i had this

23:04

dream that never got till eight lan

23:07

and then i'd non was basically like

23:10

well i never wanna be the reason to

23:12

that you don't get your childhood dream

23:15

the think initially i was

23:17

kind of like was and was saying years ago i would

23:19

never wanna get in that way if that's

23:21

way dream is yours

23:24

in are non could relate to what she was saying

23:26

he never quite lived in emily either he

23:28

always had a roommate and now with the pandemic

23:31

we both felt like were living on top of each other

23:33

feeling completely exhausted by others mom

23:35

dated a negotiations that make both

23:37

living and working together and

23:40

after having just decided to separate their finances

23:43

even think oh maybe there

23:45

is a third option here and

23:48

that adnan made huge proposal

23:51

the

23:51

right it said i'm in

23:53

a while we're talking parrot like why don't we actually

23:55

give this a shot why not try

23:57

it out in get her own places

24:01

basically he's like we love each other

24:03

we want to stay married so let's

24:05

do that but i don't we just

24:08

live apart then it's first

24:10

response was well

24:12

when you mean like you think that we can actually just

24:14

have to different apartments in the eggs that he them

24:17

apart while still being

24:19

married

24:21

and a reporter people are gonna think isn't

24:23

as crazy

24:26

you know you sometimes yet is do

24:28

it you want to do mean who

24:30

cares are like what

24:32

are account

24:38

they

24:39

went to believe that night not totally sure

24:41

as they're half baked idea what actually happened

24:44

whatever the next couple weeks son started

24:46

casually looking around and

24:48

she got an apartment in new york city on the upper

24:50

east side she loved

24:53

i really like of our may i really

24:55

it thing that and perfect

24:58

and he's like apply for it and i

25:00

agree with you mean like are really doing much

25:02

though she applied for it then

25:05

she got it

25:07

and i told him fame

25:09

i will yeah it's

25:11

real other i pretty the got the environment

25:13

and like says nothing standing in our way know

25:16

of actually and we doing

25:18

man he accepted

25:20

the apartment and then i think when

25:22

we got the boxes and i started to pact

25:25

that's when i was like whoa this

25:27

is weird and yeah with

25:29

an emotional like where you are oh

25:31

my god phraya river i like my face

25:33

of swollen for like two

25:36

months

25:37

the be clear they were not opening their marriage

25:39

they wanted to say monogamous so

25:42

it would be me this huge shift in their marriage

25:44

and that brought up lot of anxiety what

25:47

if we just pyre

25:49

what is yeah we love living alone

25:51

and reveal his pants

25:54

or were yeah i

25:56

just drifting apart what if

25:58

we you know once we are

26:00

the apart we do have died independence

26:02

to see like who we are into

26:04

we want be like what we

26:06

realize we're not right for each other anymore

26:08

and that we have grown apart

26:13

on october nineteen twenty twenty one

26:15

son and moved out and with all boxes

26:18

suitcases surrounding them they

26:20

made an earnest promise to each other they

26:22

were offering each other each complete

26:24

clean slate without

26:27

a path version of us going into

26:30

living apart together we like or a i

26:32

do not know you at all and gonna get

26:34

to know you all over again i'm offering you

26:36

a chance to even change

26:38

who you band and become whoever

26:40

you want to be and i will get

26:42

to know that person all over again

26:45

never night senate slept on cold

26:47

air mattress in small studio apartment

26:50

it wasn't long before adnan awesome isn't a

26:52

new place they both downsized their standard

26:54

of living to able to afford to apartments

26:56

in york city sensitive paying

26:58

more than four thousand dollars month on their

27:00

luxury highrise apartment to pay

27:02

roughly the same for two places the

27:05

pretty weeks were tough that's

27:07

a persona the find yourself late at night

27:09

crying wondering if they made

27:11

right decision then

27:14

she'd remind herself

27:15

i did this to make thirteen

27:18

year old me proud i'm not gonna sit here

27:20

and cry i'm not gonna sit here

27:22

and sit and like in and

27:24

worry about what my relationship with sex acts

27:26

as imagine and just woke up and

27:28

i'm living my dream life but would i do

27:34

she decided that what her thirteen year old self

27:36

for do is explore he

27:38

started wondering new york city doing

27:40

things just for the pure joy of remember

27:43

the first time i just like walk

27:46

like aimlessly and i came across the

27:48

steps of the mat and isaac oh

27:50

my gosh i live in like the most iconic neighborhood

27:52

and it was such an emotional moment for me to just

27:54

sit there for like

27:56

our and do nothing but people

27:58

watch know

28:00

this undeniable thing but yeah

28:02

i can imagine that being like a big moment

28:05

yeah and then i run the for summit

28:07

of myself out on a d and like spend

28:09

money on like beautiful steak

28:12

and a glass of wine

28:14

and was like wow lake i

28:17

have never just like spend

28:19

time and money on myself

28:22

like this before

28:24

her own time and her own money to make

28:26

her own life as she change

28:31

and then she discovered this the smaller joys

28:33

of living by yourself for the first time

28:35

like she could freely dance in apartment

28:38

or read book without t v humming

28:40

in the back and he started painting

28:42

she pleaded skincare routine it's

28:44

like she could finally xl to

28:46

do the things she'd always wanted but hadn't

28:48

given her that permission do the

28:51

you know adnan started doing that for himself

28:53

to he join in inner me or bowling team

28:56

took up jujitsu eggs around the park

28:58

the started in things more guilt free smother

29:01

he could leave his dirty dishes the things are

29:03

not know and matter the

29:05

didn't say the hardest part was that they just

29:07

miss each other's company just hanging

29:10

out on the couch after long day at work and

29:13

, like back to the seem to like son is

29:15

great cook so deftly miss eating home

29:17

cooked meals like most my mom's

29:19

from take out instead of sightings

29:21

like stuff like dallek the comforts

29:23

they come waste another

29:26

the guy made him coffee this morning and

29:28

bad and it's a things like that i really

29:31

enjoy right like it's those little things that you do

29:33

for each other to show

29:35

your love and appreciation for each other

29:37

that you don't really get to do as much north

29:39

often as you like when you're living apart the

29:41

he didn't coffee bad today just because you

29:43

are the same apartment see the center

29:46

their anniversary today oh is it really

29:48

oh my god happy anniversary

29:51

how many years seven

29:53

the that seems

29:55

like you all go to each other's places renowned

29:58

and the light every weekend

30:01

they

30:01

usually do their own thing during the week maybe see

30:03

each other one or two times there's stop

30:05

texting and calling each other like at the

30:07

end of the night though have a phone call before they go

30:09

to sleep the which inevitably

30:11

son i will say something like i

30:13

hate sleeping alone it by

30:16

i can't wait to see here is

30:18

it is every night the

30:20

absence was indeed starting to make

30:22

their hearts grow fonder they

30:24

started to rekindle the initial excitement

30:26

from and first started dating they

30:28

rescheduled these intentional full on dates

30:31

like they did in the beginning when

30:33

it if you like to date again that

30:35

way

30:36

oh my gosh life changing

30:39

late even just

30:41

getting ready to go on a day and

30:43

knowing that he has absolutely

30:45

no clue what i like right now

30:47

mm like showing up to the restaurant together

30:49

and like going from way

30:51

you know all week nazis other to

30:54

adjust up friday night it's

30:56

so nice

30:58

and said part of the reason was so nice

31:01

it's cause they no longer feel totally exhausted

31:03

by the daily negotiations that and com with

31:05

cohabitation it also

31:07

with some space then said they both

31:09

started to realize something about all that bickering

31:12

they've been doing before

31:14

once i started living alone

31:16

is when our i started to feel these

31:18

moments of like wow is doing

31:20

lot that i didn't have to do just

31:22

cause i thought i had to

31:25

good that's was shifted was going

31:27

from like putting the relationship first

31:29

to put admitting are not only first and

31:31

then once we did that we realize like

31:34

that's with the other person wanted the whole time as like don't

31:36

sacrifice and compromise so much quote

31:39

unquote for the relationship when

31:42

you you know the other person just wants

31:44

you to do and have what

31:46

you are

31:48

and living apart he was especially clarifying

31:51

for son

31:52

the bike oh the things

31:54

that bother me about him aren't really

31:56

about

32:00

become like mentally aware of like my

32:02

triggers where i'm like whoa like this isn't

32:04

my burden to carry this is my parents

32:06

think can let this go it

32:09

started to feel like they get a job there are differences

32:11

more calmly and routinely

32:14

now i'm like oh that's so interesting that you view

32:16

it that way and i don't have to feel the need to like

32:18

defend myself the

32:20

anymore and

32:22

just saying just saying there's something in the moment

32:24

it you know you aren't happy with

32:26

just address it because lot

32:28

easier dressing one small thing that

32:30

might twenty big things in one conversation

32:35

it's

32:35

not perfect you know they still have things to

32:37

work on with the faith and time

32:39

they gave themselves they were able to get person active

32:41

on the actual roots of their arguments and

32:44

with their perspective some of the heat has

32:46

gone out of and when they're

32:48

pickering about the dishes now more

32:50

likely to actually be about the dishes instead

32:52

of unspoken expectations are fears

32:57

no some of you might be hearing all this and thinking

32:59

okay well what they're doing is not some earth's

33:02

during concept yeah

33:04

more and more or seen people rethink

33:06

the institution of marriage there's

33:08

a small but growing trend of people

33:11

long term relationships living apart

33:13

the doctor is now even phrase for it l

33:15

a t or it living apart together

33:18

according defenses the number of couples living

33:21

apart which includes military couples

33:23

grew about five percent over the

33:25

last decade

33:27

some people they prefer the alone time

33:29

arts what's best for their career or

33:31

for others it's just less emotional work

33:34

and in way more connecting now

33:36

having to worry about their sleeping patterns

33:38

or at though get annoyed that didn't put the laundry

33:40

away

33:41

some people insist it actually helps the

33:43

relationship be more romantic this

33:46

is all assuming of course that you're even able

33:48

to afford living apart and some big

33:50

cities like new york usually see

33:52

the opposite thing happening couples moving

33:54

and prematurely just to able to afford

33:56

housing persona

33:59

non even like this arrangement

34:01

they do not want to be permanent it's

34:03

are planning to move to los angeles the center

34:05

and move back and together when

34:07

it comes to their finances they still want

34:09

to keep that totally separate

34:11

it now we have no idea how much money we have

34:14

at all which

34:15

me and my now you don't i get all looked

34:17

forward the other personnel interesting

34:20

so you don't know guy had how much they are idea

34:22

now the one in

34:24

every curious now

34:27

i don't care my life yeah

34:30

no i don't care either i

34:31

i'm actually have allowed buy house

34:33

which we probably will and then and will probably share everything

34:35

then like how much money for done for down payment

34:38

about one

34:40

yeah but otherwise she's gonna take

34:42

care of her life i'm going to take care of mine and

34:44

kind of like why do need to know

34:46

it in

34:47

we amount of the household bills being paid

34:49

like it's none of the other person's business what

34:52

they're doing with their money the

34:54

want make sure that when they do live under the

34:56

same rules they have their own dedicated

34:58

is it like center once room where

35:00

she can just decompress then do her own thing

35:02

the now nine when sav his own office space

35:05

though after all of the things that

35:07

you've learned seen living individually

35:10

what are you most nervous about coming back

35:12

together as couple

35:15

getting comfortable again guess and making

35:17

sure that we are both aware now that

35:19

our happiness and individuality is

35:21

our own responsibility and

35:24

it is easier to put

35:26

yourself away and enjoy the

35:28

the

35:28

company of the person you love more

35:31

than the company of yourself but

35:33

it's important to not abandon yourself

35:37

the as you fall in love someone

35:39

else

35:41

than an ad nine know this option is

35:43

not for everyone and really it

35:45

seems have worked for them because they're on the same page

35:48

about larger things in their relationship

35:50

i get one them did one day other people

35:52

are start family than that would be

35:54

it really different calculation they're

35:57

remarkably aligned when it comes to their life

35:59

priorities and

36:01

it you could argue if anything

36:03

anything

36:24

hurry that it offers or this week

36:26

he the only thought that the story and to finish

36:28

it is now you can always email me and

36:30

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