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💙 (00:01:19) - Do you know the first word that comes to mind when I think of fear? Discomfort? Some people might say anxiety, dread, or panic. But I was thinking about something the other day. I was thinking about how anytime I have moved toward something different in my life, something outside the norm of what I'm experiencing, it is almost always defined by an encounter with discomfort. Anytime I get to a place where a decision is made to head in a different direction or dive into something new, fear and doubt hit me like a ton of bricks. And when it does, the thought of throwing in the towel and heading back to where I began becomes so tempting. Even if where I started wasn't all that great. In fact, in some ways even the crummy can be comfortable at least I know what to expect there, right? I mean, it might challenge me to endure, but at least it doesn't challenge me to change. I think the truth is that starting a new path actually requires us to face pain and discomfort. 💙 (00:02:37) - It requires us to question ourselves. It requires a willingness to pursue something different, even in the face of doubt. Before we can even begin to explore a new path with our child, our faith in ourselves is going to be challenged, and we find ourselves on paths like this at multiple times in life when we decide to find a new job, when we decide to move, when we decide to go back and pursue an education, or leave the stability of a career to pursue being a stay at home mom, even smaller changes in our life can put us on this path, like when we find the courage to open our heart up to a new mom friend. When we sign up for a workshop we heard about on a podcast. When we start a new relationship, fight for her marriage, decide we can't fight any longer for our marriage. I think it's easy to recognize those situations are all pivot points for us, but I don't think we ever really stop to think about how this same thing happens in our parenting journey. 💙 (00:03:49) - Do you remember what it was like when you decided it was time to put an end to your toddler's dependency on a pacifier? The back and forth that ensued in your mind and heart. The discomfort not just your toddler experienced, but that you experienced? Oh man, I have never wanted to cave so bad in my life. And the thing I discovered was that my brain was amazing at creating justifications for why it would be perfectly acceptable to do so. Or how about when you made the decision to stop buying diapers and put all your efforts into teaching your little how to use the potty? There was definitely a healthy dose of discomfort there. You really had to be intentional in how you structured your outings. Wasn't it tempting to go back to diapers when you had the realization that the trips to target were so much more enjoyable when you weren't leaving behind a cart full of things you don't really need to sprint across the store to the bathroom because you didn't bring an extra set of clothes. In each stage of our child growing up, we find ourselves in this place time and time again. 💙 (00:05:01) - When they were newborns, we didn't have the faintest idea what we were doing. It required being uncomfortable for us to figure it out when we needed to have conversations with them about topics like drugs and sex and every other danger out there. It again required discomfort to have those important conversations. Every time our child reached another milestone, it required a little shapeshifting from us. We had to be the same mom, but a little different. Our software has required updates about as often as apples does. We've changed and grown and adapted a lot over these years. And while our kids were growing up, we were growing up to change equals discomfort. And this fear we experienced during our current season of parenting is giving us yet another chance. You guys to refine, learn, and grow into the parent we're meant to be. See, fear isn't an inherently bad thing. Actually, when we focus some attention on learning to change how we view our fears, it can actually help us. We can take that same fear that preoccupies our thoughts and shift it into an opportunity for learning and growth, to use it as a springboard that helps us to create an environment in our home that is actually incongruent with what we really crave more of in our families. 💙 (00:06:37) - Fear can be a source of empowerment for us as parents. That sounds crazy, right? But it's true. It's not fear itself, but your perspective of fear that will actually determine if you get stuck. Or if instead you can use it to help you navigate the challenges you're experiencing with more confidence. That's actually the coolest thing about fear. When we learn to reframe it, fear begins to work for us instead of against us. Because each fear we experience brings with it an opportunity to face it, grow from it, and ultimately overcome it. And over time, that starts to stack up, building resilience in us and expanding our comfort zones and helping us have a deeper understanding of ourselves. Now, maybe I've piqued your interest. Or maybe I've already lost you. But if you've made it into the podcast this far, then I know two things about you. Number one, you're willing to endure some discomfort if it will ultimately lead to a strong, more resilient version of you and your family. And number two, you are done barely treading water each and every time a wave of fear crashes down around you. 💙 (00:08:06) - So let's get to it then, shall we? Let's talk about what it looks like to reframe fear. For those of you who've never heard of the concept, reframing is a thought process that involves purposely changing how we perceive or interpret a situation, event, or challenge that we're experiencing. The basic role of reframing is to shift the way we view something from a negative or limiting view to a more positive and constructive one. Basically, to look at a situation as one that's going to serve us rather than hurt us. We focus intentionally on different aspects of the same situation, and we start to look at the potential opportunities that are present. Reframing is a really powerful tool in helping us as parents work through difficult circumstances, because it helps us to break away from thoughts that create feelings of apprehension, dread, and panic inside us. More than anything, it gives us a pathway to think about these hard situations that we find ourselves in, from different viewpoints, to find silver linings and challenges. And it helps us become parents who get better and better at pulling ourselves out of the weeds onto a path of healing. 💙 (00:09:40) - Put simply, reframing or changing the story that we have around our fears makes us healthier parents. It allows us to guide our children through challenges with more patience and empathy, ultimately leading us to a more supportive and constructive parenting approach, which leaves you feeling a whole lot better about how you're showing up. So let me give you an example. Let's say you've had a ton of fear lately around some of your teen's decisions. You've tried everything that you can think of to try and deter their path. Talking reasonably to them, giving consequences. And even in a not so proud mom moment, shouting what on earth is wrong with you know? Okay, maybe that was just for me. Anyway, you're at the end of yourself, right? You don't know what to do. A part of you recognizes that there really isn't anything you can do but fear. Fear is bound and determined to come along for the ride, and in each moment it's there, sitting beside you like an annoying presence, pointing out every little thing you should be concerned about. 💙 (00:10:53) - Oh my gosh, he's on his phone. Who's he texting? What's he looking at? You should do something or. Oh, no, she's failing two classes now. You spent all that time talking to her last week and it made no difference. Just like meeting with her teacher made no difference in taking away her phone. Made no difference. You have to figure something out. You have to have the answers. You have to do something. Our default when fear comes to make a visit is to hop on the crazy train with her to catastrophize, obsess, worry, make ourselves sick, and then sprinkle in a little self-loathing and shame on top. When we find ourselves once again without a solution, because we believe that we are the ones responsible for finding the solution. But that's not true. I mean, it would be great if we did find a solution if we knew the magic answer. But that isn't always how life works, is it? For example, when you have a problem, a struggle, a challenge, what do you do? I don't know about you, but I ultimately find my own way through it. 💙 (00:12:06) - If I'm lucky, I have people to talk to, people who I know won't judge me or throw solutions at me. Suggestions? Yes, but not their own solutions. There's nothing worse than someone telling me what they think I should do, and then getting bitter or shutting me out because I don't follow their advice. They are well-meaning, but they are not me. They don't have the same values as me. They don't have the same experiences as me. They don't think the same as me or even know the situation the same as me. In the end, I make changes. Only when refusing to change becomes so uncomfortable for me that I recognize it no longer serves me. I had a situation that I'd been dealing with for, gosh, a while now, and it had to do with my daughter. My daughter some months back decided to help a friend who was down on their luck. You know, she's experienced being down on her luck before. She's had to rely on friends to kind of lift her up and give her a place to stay temporarily. 💙 (00:13:19) - And so she, being the friend that she is, wanted to be able to pay that forward and do it for one of her own friends. But what started out as just a two week stay over rolled into a month, and then two months and then three months, and she started getting impatient. Rightfully so. She was frustrated, and in those moments of frustration, she wanted someone to sympathize with her. Well, during month one, I was understanding. I mean, I did a really good job, I think listening and validating. And then month two hit and I kind of started getting a little impatient with it and giving some advice. In month three, I started getting annoyed. In month four, downright frustrated with my daughter for not standing up for herself. My irritation turned from the roommate in month five. I'll admit, I wanted to take matters into my own hands, and I considered crazy things like booking a flight and confronting her myself, paying her friend and I use that term loosely to leave just so I didn't have to hear about it anymore. 💙 (00:14:42) - But my daughter had to go through her own process. She wanted the change, but there were lessons that had to be learned before she could get there. In the end, each of us make changes. Only when refusing to change becomes so uncomfortable for us that we recognize it no longer serves us. See, my little girl holds relationships at high value loyalty. Loyalty is her superpower. But as my pastor once told me, our weaknesses are often our strengths that have gone too far. And she had to come to a place on her own where she realized that a relationship with someone who would take advantage of her kindness this way was not a relationship worth salvaging. She had to get to that place on her own, and it sucked watching it. But in the end of that six months. The lesson that she's learned is one that she takes forward with her, and God help the next person looking for a temporary place to stay, because I don't think they're going to find it on the other side of her door, at least not anytime soon. 💙 (00:16:00) - Yes, we're afraid of our children making choices that will make their lives harder than it has to be, but we are afraid of something else even more. We're afraid to watch them suffer. We are afraid of having to endure it because it's excruciating. It's so, so painful to sit helplessly by while someone figures life out. And we know that our human limitations prevent us from doing anything of real significance for them. We are so afraid of their suffering that some of us lose ourselves entirely to that fear, and our obsession with trying to prevent it. It grows in us like cancer. It steals our joy, our empathy, our compassion, our love. It leaves us exhausted and broken, and in the end, all the energy that we spend trying to control it does nothing but create a wedge between us and our child. Do we, as parents, have a part to play in our child's struggle? Yes. 100%. We are a support person, a role model, an educator, a guide, a disciplinarian. 💙 (00:17:24) - To the extent that we can enforce rules and consequences. We are an advocate, a mentor, a safety net, a facilitator of independence. But we are not in any way, shape or form a savior. Suffering is inevitable for all of us. Good or bad, each of us will always reap what we sow. It's a universal law that no one is exempt from. We will always harvest the consequences of our choices. And as hard as that is to watch as a parent. I do not personally believe it is something I should be protecting my children from. I believe that our part of the solution is to learn to reframe that discomfort and fear that we experience by shifting our focus to the lesson behind the challenge. Instead of sitting in constant fear of negative outcomes, I can choose to reframe the fear I'm experiencing as a reminder to normalize for myself that my child, as part of their development forever, is learning to make choices and deal with consequences. Is it possible that the road ahead for them is challenging? Yeah. 💙 (00:18:50) - Could it be painful to watch? Yes. But will they grow from it? Yeah. Will they get through it? Yes. Will I be on the other side to help them claw their way out of the hole they dug for themselves once they decide they want out? Yes. But only if I'm not wallowing in wounds, grief, and resentment over the fact that they had to learn some lessons on their own. Are you exhausted, barely keeping your head above water, wondering if the next wave will be the wave that finally takes you out? Well then, friend, reframing fear is how you protect your peace. So what does this process of reframing fear actually look like? I have a fear mapping process that I personally use in my journal time. In fact, I used it a ton over the case of the roommate debacle. It provides a framework that helps me reframe the way I'm looking at a situation into a perspective that will actually serve me, that will actually be productive and work for me, for my relationship with my child, for me as an individual. 💙 (00:20:16) - I think it might be something that you find helpful to. So I created a free PDF version of it. If you would like to have it emailed to you, just click on the link in the show notes below. Then, while you're waiting for it to get to your inbox or spam folder, wherever it ends up, grab a warm or cold drink depending on what part of the world you live in, a cozy blanket or a soft pillow or something that just makes you feel safe, your journal, and even a scratch piece of paper and then begin working through the prompts. You'll also be emailed our hope notes and they go out almost every Monday morning. Although I didn't get them out yesterday as a way to encourage and equip you for the week ahead. If you don't see those emails coming through, remember to check your spam folder. Find the time that you spend working through fear is self-care at its very best. It takes courage and commitment, and not everyone listening is ready to face the discomfort healthy change requires. 💙 (00:21:30) - And that's okay. That just means you're not there yet. Just know that when you're ready, it will be here. But if you feel stuck and you are ready to begin experiencing change, start devoting more time and energy to the areas you actually have control over. It's what we were meant to do with these challenges that we're experiencing. To learn to grow, to be better and do better. And the overflow of all of that work that you do on yourself spills into the life of your child. And if you can't see how changes you make within yourself could possibly affect what's going on with your child. I want you to think, just for a minute, about what happens to a recipe when you switch out even one ingredient with something different. The strongest catalyst for the changes we desire reside within the transformations that occur within us.