Episode Transcript
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1:00
Here. Is courage mankind's find. His position here
1:02
is the Nobel prize at a young man
1:04
could endeavor to win and it is a
1:06
good thing his city and all the people
1:08
shared with him. When a
1:11
man plans his feet and stands
1:13
in the foremost spears relentlessly, all
1:15
thought of bow flight completely forgotten.
1:18
Tie. Readers. A. Seventh century
1:20
bc. He Spartan poet.
1:23
This is where we hold them.
1:26
This is where we fight. This.
1:30
Is where the guy. Gerard.
1:32
Butler twenty first century Australian actor playing
1:34
Spartan Qinglian Itis in the Box Office
1:36
Smash That got many of us thinking
1:38
about how bad our Spartans were. Three
1:40
hundred. Who. Are the
1:43
Spartans really? Where. They the Death
1:45
before dishonor bad as is portrayed in Three
1:47
Hundred. The. Technical definition would
1:49
be the Spartans were group a Greek
1:51
people from the ancient Greek city state
1:54
of Sparta who society was highly structured
1:56
and yes, very militaristic. the
1:58
spartans are often described as war life harsh and
2:00
having left no real culture behind outside
2:02
of a supreme dedication to battle, but
2:05
that isn't true. Well, that
2:07
isn't quite true. The Spartans
2:09
had a culture of dedication to battle for most
2:12
of their history. At their
2:14
peak, they were singularly focused, obsessively focused
2:16
to a degree that nowadays would be
2:18
considered psychotic to being the best warriors
2:21
on Earth. But also, there is still
2:23
a lot we don't know about them. There are
2:25
scholars today still dedicating their entire lives to
2:27
trying to understand Sparta over 2,000 years removed
2:29
from the peak of their existence. The
2:32
legend of the 300 Spartans at
2:34
Thermopylae, the Spartan Phalanxes that won
2:36
great battles, King's
2:38
Leonidas, and Agesa Laius,
2:40
and the great lawmaker, Lycurgus, real
2:42
or legend, they were all
2:45
military and cultural influences that contributed
2:47
to the legendary reputation of Sparta. Sparta
2:50
in reality was much more complex and
2:52
multifaceted than the simple legends still spread
2:54
today by clickbaity YouTube videos used to
2:56
inspire men and women to fight for
2:58
glory. However, again, there
3:01
also was a shit ton of fighting going on.
3:04
Sparta was a society that lasted well over
3:06
1,000 years, a society full of strong military
3:08
advancement so impressive that at one point the
3:10
rest of Greece thought their army
3:12
was invincible. At their height, they
3:15
were absolutely feared. Sparta
3:17
was a society that valued equality for those
3:20
deemed to be Spartans, at least, but
3:22
also enforced such rigid standards upon these
3:24
Spartans that anyone who deviated from the
3:26
norm was publicly shamed or even
3:29
banished. Sparta was a society
3:31
where women had equal rights, kind
3:33
of, more rights than many
3:35
other Greek city-states would afford women at least.
3:38
The Spartans were both progressive and conservative at the
3:40
same time, a society where mothers
3:42
had more rights than most other Greek mothers,
3:44
but also these same mothers would
3:46
truly rather see their sons die in battle
3:49
than come home having fled from battle. Sparta's
3:52
strict adherence to tradition is
3:55
often glorified in modern media and this depiction
3:57
is based on a surprising amount of truth
3:59
and it was what ultimately led to
4:01
their downfall. The times they
4:03
were a-changing though, and the Spartans didn't do enough
4:05
to change with them. Traditions can
4:07
be great, the glue that holds the society together, but
4:09
there's also a lot of truth in the thought of
4:12
evolve or die. This week we'll
4:14
learn who were the Spartans, what
4:16
were they like compared to the rest of ancient Greece, what
4:18
was life like to the Spartan, and those
4:20
living inside Spartan territory whom they deemed
4:22
to be other. Learn about
4:25
Spartan society, jump into a timeline from
4:27
the beginning to their downfall. Learning about
4:29
major political and military figures along the
4:31
way will cover most of their wars,
4:33
heroes, and battles on this historical badass
4:35
god these words are hard to pronounce,
4:37
hold my beer for the glory of
4:39
Sparta edition of
4:41
TimeSuck. This is Michael McDonald and you're
4:44
listening to TimeSuck. Happy
5:00
Monday and welcome or welcome back to
5:02
the Cult of the Curious. I'm Dan Cummins, the
5:04
master sucker, a guy who has
5:07
never taken over 500 hits of acid at one
5:09
time, a guy who felt the least
5:11
manly he has felt in months if not years by
5:13
the end of researching today's episode, but
5:16
also a guy really happy to have never left a
5:18
baby to die on a hillside, and
5:20
you are listening to TimeSuck and that
5:22
hillside reference will make sense later. Hail
5:25
Nimrod, hail the Saphina, praise be to good boy
5:27
Bojangles and glory be to triple M. Only
5:30
one very quick thing to say today before we
5:32
go to Sparta. While
5:34
I haven't felt due to so much
5:36
complicated history that I've had the mental
5:38
bandwidth to properly cover the history
5:41
of Israel and Palestine like I would like
5:43
to yet this year, I've honestly been having the
5:45
most fun I've had in a while this
5:47
year doing content that is more escapist. I
5:50
do want to say that what is currently happening in
5:52
the Gaza Strip is in a word, man,
5:55
evil. Wow. Just
5:57
in case you somehow haven't heard, maybe are looking
5:59
for a good caused a support in some way. Having
6:02
more than 1200 of your own citizens
6:04
killed by terrorists does not, in my mind,
6:06
justify killing over 13,000 innocent
6:09
Palestinian children and putting over a million
6:11
innocent Palestinians in mortal danger via starvation
6:13
in an ongoing famine and food crisis
6:16
that was not created by a drought
6:18
or a natural disaster, but largely by
6:20
air strikes. Real,
6:23
real scary shit going down in the Middle East right
6:25
now, a lot of people hurting who don't have a
6:27
dog in this fight. They're meat sacks, just like you
6:29
and me, who only want to raise their kids to
6:32
have better lives than they have, keep a roof over
6:34
their heads, put food on the table, and now all
6:36
of that is impossible. They're living in a hell many,
6:39
if not most, will probably never fully recover
6:41
from. What Hamas did to start
6:43
this current conflict was also evil. The
6:46
kidnappings, rapes, the murders, barbaric,
6:48
but goddamn, there has got
6:50
to be a better way to fight Hamas than
6:52
this. Not trying to be political, not
6:54
trying to pick a side. I'm on the side
6:56
of Team Meat Sack. I'm on the side
6:59
of most citizens of any nation who are
7:01
not political. They're just fucking people trying
7:03
to enjoy their lives while they have
7:05
them and not be bombed, not be starved. I
7:08
just have a heavy heart today, thinking about all the pain
7:10
and suffering that sure seems from across the world to be
7:12
so unnecessary, and I hope this conflict can begin to be
7:14
fought in a manner more humane, much
7:16
more humane than this, as
7:19
soon as humanly possible, man. And
7:22
now let's talk about wars that happened a long time ago.
7:24
Long, long before any of us were born, time
7:27
plus tragedy equals comedy, right? So
7:31
I think we can feel okay laughing about these
7:33
tragedies because they did take place a long
7:35
time ago. Let's go get
7:37
Greek. Let us venture
7:39
into the hearts and minds, very unusual
7:41
minds of Sparta. Sparta
7:50
was but one of many, many
7:52
different city-states in ancient Greece. Let's
7:55
check out the unique landscape they evolved out of.
7:58
By the eighth century BCE. Long
8:00
time ago, the political boundaries of
8:03
ancient Greece were composed of many different
8:05
independent city-states, and the system would
8:07
last more or less until the
8:09
Roman Republic crushed Greece in 146
8:12
BCE in the Battle of Corinth after
8:14
beginning to conquer Greece in 168 BCE
8:17
and finishing turning the whole Greek peninsula into a
8:19
Roman province by 27 BCE.
8:22
Before this, although the amount
8:24
of city-states that remained truly independent varied,
8:27
such as when Alexander the Great's father,
8:29
Philip II of Macedon, consolidated
8:31
many of the Greek city-states under his throne, and
8:34
then his son Alexander conquered even more Greek city-states.
8:36
There were always some independent Greek city-states.
8:39
A lot of history sites
8:41
will say that Alexander and his dad conquered all of
8:43
Greece. No, they did not. They
8:46
did not conquer every single city-state.
8:48
They didn't conquer Sparta, for example.
8:52
Conquered lands around Sparta, got close, but never took
8:54
the city itself. The Spartans
8:56
were past their prime at that
8:58
point, but still too fucking fierce. In
9:01
the 4th century BCE, Alexander might not have
9:03
survived taking Sparta. So
9:06
what was a city-state? City-states
9:08
are defined as a political system
9:10
consisting of an independent city having
9:13
sovereignty over contiguous territory and serving
9:15
as the center and leader of
9:17
a political, economic, and cultural life.
9:20
The term actually originated in England in the late
9:22
1800s, but has been applied to
9:24
the political structure of ancient Greece, Phoenicia,
9:27
and Italy, and
9:30
actually the early part of Rome.
9:33
City-states were the dominant settlement structures of ancient
9:35
Greece. Each city-state ruled
9:37
over for the most part not just
9:39
their city, but over a distinct region
9:41
around their city, and sometimes over other
9:43
cities and regions that
9:45
they colonized. And each had its
9:47
own culture. In the Greek language, they
9:50
were called polis. Except
9:52
for Sparta, each polis had an
9:55
outer wall for protection from rival city-states.
9:58
Sparta's more than considerable Warriors
10:00
were their wall. Seriously,
10:02
that is pretty badass. That was a
10:05
huge fucking antiquity flex. Wall?
10:08
And not be able to watch the death march
10:10
of anyone foolish and suicidal enough to try and
10:12
fuck with us? Real
10:14
men do not need walls.
10:17
Real men are walls! That
10:19
was very spartan. City
10:22
states typically had a public space with temples
10:24
and government buildings often built upon on the
10:26
crop list, a hill, to signify their importance.
10:29
A good example of this is the Parthenon, a
10:32
temple built upon a hill rising above Athens to
10:34
honor the goddess Athena. The
10:36
majority of the city state's population would live
10:38
within the city walls, especially the most esteemed
10:41
citizens. The city center would be
10:43
the hub of all trade, commerce, culture, and
10:45
politics. And at one point, and
10:47
I did not know this, I checked
10:49
it multiple times, I'm like, are
10:51
you sure? Yeah. At one point there
10:53
were over a thousand different city states in ancient Greece. No
10:56
idea there were that many. Many of them, not surprisingly,
10:59
you know, quite small, not very powerful.
11:02
The major city state players in most of
11:04
ancient Greece's wars and politics were Athens,
11:07
Sparta. Those generally were the
11:09
big two. But Corinth,
11:11
also very big in moments. Thebes
11:14
as well, Syracuse, Agena,
11:16
Rhodes, Argos, Eretria,
11:19
and Elis. Each city state
11:21
ruled itself functioned like an independent country. And
11:24
many of them are very different from the rest in
11:26
regards to their lifestyle and government. Sparta
11:29
was ruled for most of its history by two kings
11:31
and a council of 28 elders called the
11:34
Gerusia. The Spartan
11:36
government's primary focus was, as you could
11:38
probably guess, killing and or
11:41
instilling fear in motherfuckers, aka
11:43
its military. In
11:46
comparison, the Athenians, Sparta's primary rivals,
11:49
valued education and art and were governed
11:51
by democracy. And while Athens
11:53
did have a powerful army, though often not
11:55
as powerful as Sparta's, they had a
11:57
military advantage over Sparta when it came to their navy. Which
12:00
makes sense, Athens lies along the coast of
12:02
the Aegean Sea, whereas Sparta lies inland in
12:04
the Eberotus Valley, surrounded
12:06
largely by mountains. The
12:09
reason city-states came about instead of a large
12:11
centralized government was mostly because
12:13
of Greece's Mediterranean geography. Greece
12:16
is full of very rocky, mountainous
12:18
terrain, many, many islands,
12:21
roughly 6,000 islands, of
12:24
which hundreds are suitable for habitation, and
12:27
other physical barriers. These barriers resulted
12:29
in most of Greece's higher population centers being very
12:31
isolated from each other back when it was a
12:33
whole hell of a lot harder than it is
12:35
now to travel quickly and communicate
12:38
over vast distances. Also,
12:40
kings be wont to be kings, and
12:42
not be bending those king knees to other kings, kings be kingin'.
12:46
But for real, the various city-state rulers had
12:48
zero interest in being ruled by anyone else,
12:51
and for centuries it was just too big of a task
12:53
to amass an army strong enough to
12:55
both conquer other city-states and other kings. And
12:57
also, and this will be the real hard part, maintain
13:01
control over all of them after
13:03
you've vested them in battle. Interestingly,
13:05
prior to the city-state era, most
13:07
Greek historians agree that earlier tribal systems
13:10
that existed and did work together in
13:12
some capacity, or
13:14
they existed and did work together. But then
13:16
they broke up during a period of great
13:18
economic decline and established their independent territories between
13:20
1,000 and 800 BCE
13:23
in peninsular Greece, the
13:25
Aegean Islands, and Western Asia Minor. Then
13:28
over time, many of these tribes grew
13:30
greatly in size, commerce, culture, and military
13:32
strength. And some of the
13:34
stronger tribes sent out bands of warriors into other
13:36
territories, many of whom broke
13:39
away from their original rulers, and created
13:41
new, similar city-states on the coast of
13:43
the Mediterranean Sea, and the
13:45
Black Sea, between 750 and 550 BCE.
13:48
From this, over 1,000 city-states,
13:50
big, many very small, would
13:53
eventually spring up across Greece. The
13:55
governments of these city-states range from true
13:57
monarchies to true democracies, with different laws.
14:00
and constitutions in each. All
14:02
of this variety, the massive,
14:04
wondrous, beautiful exchange of ideas between many
14:06
of these city-states, allowed for a special
14:09
kind of intellectual growth that led to
14:11
the birth of our Western civilization. Hail
14:14
Nimrod and thanks ancient crazy Greek
14:16
people with your super fucking weird
14:18
gods and insane customs that we'll
14:20
get into later as we explore Sparta. If
14:24
you're not prepared for a fair amount of sodomy talk
14:26
today, this
14:28
might not be the right history lesson for you.
14:30
Might not want to play this for the classroom
14:32
until you really give it a thorough listen. However,
14:36
while the exchange of so many different
14:38
ideas was awesome for rapid cultural development,
14:41
all of these city-states being independent and
14:43
fighting one another a lot would
14:46
in time pave the way for Greece to be conquered. Because
14:49
the city-states could never properly form a
14:51
permanent union, most were eventually overtaken
14:53
by the Macedonians, the Persians would do a
14:55
lot of damage as well, and
14:57
the Romans would eventually come over and gobble up
14:59
everything. Rome itself actually
15:02
began as a city-state, but
15:04
many of its leaders aggressively pursued expansion and
15:06
their neighbors were eventually willing to centralize under
15:08
an emperor, which led to the end of
15:10
city-states and the beginning of what would become
15:13
the Roman Empire. The
15:15
primary debate within the city-states of ancient
15:17
Greece revolved around government. Who should
15:19
do what? Should authority primarily
15:21
be placed in written laws, a
15:24
constitution, officials, or individual citizens?
15:27
Each city-state thought that their way was best, that's
15:29
the way we meet, sex, operate, by
15:31
the way, the best way, and occasionally the
15:33
government would change drastically within just a few years.
15:36
Throughout the city-states there were all kinds
15:38
of different systems of government. From
15:41
what archaeological records exist, we know that the
15:43
four most common were democracy,
15:45
ruled by the people, but
15:47
by the people they meant to be. The monarchy,
15:49
ruled by an individual who had
15:52
inherited his role, certainly a dude. Oligarchy,
15:54
ruled by a select group of dudes.
15:57
And Tyranny, ruled by a dude who
15:59
had seen is powered by unconstitutional means.
16:01
A lot of tyrants in
16:04
ancient Greece. I didn't realize that from previous studies.
16:07
Not all of them bad rulers, actually. Just
16:09
dudes who didn't want to wait to be voted
16:11
into power or dudes who had to take over
16:14
to get the throne since they didn't have royal
16:16
blood. Athens is
16:18
the most well-documented Greek city state
16:21
in terms of government and culture, and
16:23
is often used as a case study for ancient
16:25
Greece in general. Athens had a
16:27
democracy, like I said earlier. And
16:29
while the concept and name of democracy and
16:31
having a constitution as a form of government
16:33
is said in a lot of sources to
16:35
have originated in ancient Athens around 508
16:38
BCE, democracy as
16:40
a form of government did exist before Athens in
16:43
numerous lesser-known city states. Greek
16:46
history is complex. It's
16:48
hard to simplify. It's just easier to say, yeah,
16:50
Athens is the birthplace of democracy rather
16:52
than saying, kind of. It's on a
16:55
continuum. It's on a spectrum, and then proceed
16:57
to talk about how recent discoveries have led
16:59
scholars to believe that many other more primitive
17:01
democracies may have existed in Phoenician city states,
17:03
Mesopotamia, and elsewhere. A few
17:06
other notable democracies were those in Argos, Syracuse,
17:10
Rhodes, Erathri, and
17:12
these democracies, like in Athens, any male citizen
17:15
aged 18 or older could speak and
17:17
vote in an assembly. Most people
17:19
voted by simply raising their hands. Most
17:22
democracies, the wealthy citizens, dominated the
17:24
political scene. They held
17:26
private meetings to influence others, fucking
17:28
lobbyists, buy votes, corruption,
17:30
intimidate people into voting for their
17:32
causes. A few democracies had money
17:34
or property requirements to become a full citizen.
17:38
Political corruption truly has
17:40
been around as long as political systems
17:42
have been around. Money
17:44
has always talked, and I imagine it always
17:46
will. In some city
17:49
states or in times of emergency, a council would
17:51
be elected to act as a governing body and
17:53
make decisions for the entire polis that
17:55
a limited term of office and their decrees
17:57
could be challenged in court. had
18:01
their Gerosia, a council of 28 elders
18:03
I mentioned earlier, which were all men
18:05
over 60, and
18:07
their two kings had designated powers. Monarchies
18:11
were rare in ancient Greece,
18:13
Macedonia and Epirus. Rulers
18:15
shared power with an assembly. Sparta's
18:18
kings were monarchs, but not absolute
18:20
monarchs. The dual kings of Sparta
18:22
had two main roles, military leader and
18:25
priest. They led the army
18:27
in battle, which included planning and strategy, also
18:29
served by leading various religious rights. Sparta
18:33
also had Ephorth. Five
18:35
Ephorths were selected by the Gerosia and
18:38
kept the kings in check during times
18:40
of peace. They would serve one-year terms,
18:42
they had an extensive range of judicial,
18:44
religious, legislative and military powers, and
18:46
could shape Sparta's home and foreign affairs. The
18:49
kings were given more authority during times of war. The
18:52
kings were members of the Gerosia
18:54
themselves, but admitted at a younger
18:56
age, breaking away from the tradition of having to be over
18:58
60 because it was a birthright.
19:02
They had to be born into a noble line to be selected
19:04
for kingship. The title was hereditary. Once
19:06
king, you would rule for life. Unless
19:09
of course you were exiled. Spartan
19:11
kings were unique for the fact that
19:13
they could go to trial and they could be
19:15
exiled and some were exiled. The
19:18
Gerosia advised the kings, voted on political and
19:20
legal issues in Sparta. Other
19:22
city-states were ruled by tyrants, as I mentioned. And
19:25
despite the negative connotations, again, tyrants
19:27
not always evil. Something
19:29
very funny to me about being a fun
19:31
tyrant. Ah, that's George! He's our tyrant.
19:34
Don't be scared though. No, he's one of the
19:36
good tyrants. I mean sure, he
19:38
could have you executed at any moment for literally
19:40
any reason, but also he does like
19:42
to be tickled. You could go grab him, throw him on
19:44
the ground and tickle him until he can't breathe right now.
19:47
I won't even kill you. Tyrants
19:49
again, simply people who just wanted to take power
19:51
for themselves and did that. Some
19:54
of the most notable tyrannies were in Syracuse,
19:56
Athens at various points, Phaidon,
20:00
Corinth, and Samos. One
20:03
interesting fact about Sparta, they never fell under
20:05
the rule of a tyrant. Oligarchies
20:08
were almost as common as democracies in
20:10
ancient Greece. In many
20:12
examples, the city-state's wealthiest citizens seized power
20:14
for themselves and made government and military
20:16
decisions. Sounds right. I'm
20:19
sure some of our wealthier citizens would love to take over
20:21
our nation right now and just run shit how they see
20:23
fit. Actually, I'm sure a lot of us, wealthy
20:25
or not, would want to do
20:27
that. Oligarchies could be large or small and varied in the
20:29
amount of power they had. Athens,
20:31
Thebes, other city-states had various oligarchies
20:33
throughout their histories. Oligarchies
20:36
most commonly occurred when democracies failed.
20:39
Overall, there is less information about oligarchies
20:41
in ancient Greece than other forms of
20:43
government. No matter the type of
20:45
government, being involved in politics was
20:47
a very important cultural value in ancient Greece.
20:49
It was seen as a way to express
20:51
involvement and interest in your community. Also
20:54
as a way to keep abuse of power in check. But
20:56
despite these noble ideals of equality and democracy,
20:59
the wealthiest citizens were involved in government the
21:01
most and had the most power,
21:03
right? Some things truly never change. They
21:05
had the money in the time, since they already had
21:07
the money, to be able to participate heavily in politics.
21:11
Athens and Sparta are often compared as
21:13
two contrasting city-states that showed the vast
21:15
differences in cultures of the time. Athens
21:18
was mostly democratic. The achlegia,
21:20
the assembly, met once a month. Women,
21:22
slaves, and foreigners could not attend the
21:24
assembly. Sparta had two
21:26
kings, as I mentioned, from different noble
21:28
lineages. Their version of
21:30
the achlegia was their
21:32
council of elders, that darosia. Instead
21:35
of allowing citizens to have input on
21:38
issues, only issues submitted by the elders
21:40
or the ephors could be discussed in
21:42
Spartan meetings. I like
21:44
it. I think that's good. I wish we had
21:46
something similar for YouTube comments. City
21:48
council meetings, parent-teacher
21:51
conferences, just a whole bunch more. Hey,
21:53
how come my comments won't show up online?
21:55
Simple. No one cares you think. Hey,
21:58
how come my daughter didn't get special recognition? Awards
22:00
banquet. She worked. Really a map. Maybe
22:02
you submit your input. To the a force
22:04
or the gear see if. He. Did and
22:06
did they approve it? Or
22:09
they did not. At. Right where did you
22:11
shut the fuck up and then she starts
22:13
to go full. Karen and to talk about
22:15
others is madness. Some some spartan wars just
22:18
fucking com that are no worse. Madness This
22:20
is spot us and his tips are gonna
22:22
fucking well. That. Nobody would notice with their
22:24
before. Side. Note: How
22:27
fun would be. To. Kick somebody's royal
22:29
lights down a well. Like.
22:31
A deep well like a solid tickler give
22:34
great flexibility, your hamstrings yet no lower back
22:36
problems. See a decent quad powers and you
22:38
just suck your knee up your test in
22:40
his pants. Just lonesome and like they don't.
22:43
We defend themselves that wealth in this fantasy.
22:45
His arms ten a flutter, the like to
22:47
live off the ground like and a quarter.
22:51
Of a this folder a deep well. And
22:53
it has to be one the don't even need
22:55
to use as a will soon after school to
22:57
be worried about with water content and you know
22:59
contempt. Oh my God. Contamination is is a fucking
23:01
pit really more than well used as it is
23:03
as easy to take him in a pit these
23:05
go down there. And. They go about your
23:08
life. There's no messy clean up, no law enforcement
23:10
as in quite a good as gone. They just
23:12
vanished into the pit of darkness. As
23:15
a fantasy my mind that feels very
23:17
satisfying. Okay back to
23:19
was one of his lights to live in sparta.
23:22
To. Per to live elsewhere in Greece. Or
23:24
other a lot of cultural differences from one city
23:26
to the next about what was important than a
23:29
citizen. Or to really be considered a
23:31
Spartan. For example, he had to be strong. Courageous.
23:34
Highly disciplined boys would leave home
23:36
at the age of seven. To.
23:39
Dedicate their lives to Sparta. By
23:41
the age twenty, they were nameless,
23:44
faceless, absolutely willing to die for
23:46
the glory of Sparta. A member
23:48
of a phalanx. Spirits rub
23:50
Greece as a Spartan warrior. To
23:53
been Athenian men receiving a well rounded education. Boys.
23:56
were educated on rhetoric public
23:58
speaking critical thinking They
24:00
were so soft. No,
24:03
they studied the works of Hesiod and Homer.
24:05
They received physical training and music training. Unlike
24:07
Sparta, their men started training at the age
24:10
18 to be part of the army or navy, as
24:13
opposed to starting training at
24:15
seven. That's so insane.
24:18
Athens emphasized the individual, whereas
24:21
Sparta emphasized community. The
24:23
needs of Sparta were far above the
24:25
needs of yourself or your family. Better
24:27
yet, your needs are the
24:29
needs of Sparta. You just aligned your needs
24:31
with Sparta's needs. Women
24:34
treated very differently in Athens and Sparta. Spartan
24:37
girls and women received education,
24:40
but were also thrown down a flight of
24:42
stairs literally every day, between
24:44
breakfast and lunch. Stairs had
24:46
to be at least a dozen steps. Why?
24:49
There is a reason. To be sure, they
24:51
were still tough enough to be worth keeping around, to
24:53
be tough enough to be a Spartan. If you broke
24:55
a hip, you're weak, you're killed. If
24:58
you kept crying about how much it hurts to have been thrown
25:00
down the stairs again, you're killed. If
25:03
you didn't make it back up the stairs in time to get lunch on
25:05
the table, you're killed. That's
25:07
not true. Spartans were rugged, but not that rugged.
25:10
Feel Spartan-like though. Spartan girls
25:12
and women received education allowed to compete in athletic
25:15
events, which was unusual in Ancient Greece. Women
25:18
in Sparta could own land, something forbidden in
25:20
other city states, but they
25:22
could not vote or be full citizens like men. In
25:25
Athens, girls were taught domestic skills. They
25:27
were also barred from citizenship, property ownership,
25:29
and even basic exercise. The
25:32
exercise part is super extra weird. With
25:34
the geography, diversity, political climate of Ancient
25:36
Greece established, now let's take a
25:39
look specifically at life in Sparta. What
25:41
was the life journey of a typical Spartan
25:44
from birth until death? What was
25:46
life like for those who weren't truly considered Spartan? Women,
25:49
skilled laborers, slaves? Sparta
25:52
was located in the southeastern Peloponnese region
25:54
of Ancient Greece. The Peloponnese
25:56
is a large Greek peninsula, full of mountains
25:58
and gorges. Many ancient
26:00
Greeks thought of it as an
26:02
island because of how only
26:05
the narrow isthmus of Corinth connects it with
26:07
the rest of the Greek mainland. The
26:10
city-state grew to be about the same
26:12
size as Athens and Thebes by conquering
26:14
their neighboring region of Messenia. They
26:16
absorbed the population but did not integrate the
26:19
Messenians into their society. Not at all. Oh
26:21
boy. They were in a word when
26:24
it came to how they treated the Messenians. Naughty.
26:28
So so naughty. Like
26:30
the naughtiest bad boys that ever were
26:32
naughty bad boys. More on that later. While
26:35
Sparta was a city-state, they also controlled a
26:38
large territory around their city for centuries. A
26:40
territory that did include other cities. Spartans
26:43
were, as I mentioned, a warrior society. Spartan
26:45
culture focused on loyalty to the state and
26:47
military service. Sparta we think of today was
26:50
the Sparta at the height of its powers after
26:52
defeating Athens in the Peloponnesian War in 404
26:54
BCE. Sparta was a stratified
26:58
society with three groups of people. The
27:01
Spartans. Full citizens. Males.
27:05
The Periocae who were
27:07
skilled craftsmen. And the
27:09
Helits who were the slave class. Those
27:12
who Sparta conquered had
27:15
no rights or citizenship. The Helits, the slave
27:17
class from Messenia, were considered lower
27:20
than other conquered people, interestingly. They really
27:22
didn't like the Messenians. Helits
27:24
ran the agricultural industry in Sparta and did
27:26
other daily tasks. And because all the
27:28
Spartan men under the age of 60 were soldiers, the Helits
27:30
worked as farmers, servants,
27:33
nurses, and military attendants. And
27:36
again, the Spartans, man, they hated the Messenian
27:38
Helits for the most part and vice versa.
27:40
Sometimes they would work together. Later on, sometimes
27:42
they would get married, which I find strange
27:45
because, man, they were not treated well. Tensions
27:47
with the Messenians, as you'll see, is
27:50
the main reason Sparta evolved to become so
27:52
focused on being unstoppable warriors. The Messenians
27:55
kept society functioning while Spartans focused
27:57
on athletics, military training, and politics.
28:00
The helots were what made Spartans a unique
28:03
society because they performed all the hard, menial
28:05
labor in place of common people. Normally,
28:08
in most city-states, only wealthy Greeks could
28:10
hire servants, but not in Sparta. Every
28:12
full citizen and their family had at least
28:15
one assigned helot to run their household. The
28:18
helots were extremely oppressed by the Spartans.
28:20
Spartan leaders did this to prevent uprisings because they
28:23
were far outnumbered by the helots. Spartans
28:25
could murder helots for literally any
28:28
reason at all. Oftentimes, they
28:30
were just murdered for being too smart, too
28:32
athletic, showing any sign
28:34
of defiance. Spartans were
28:36
strong and deadly warriors, but they lived in
28:38
constant fear of a helot rebellion. And the
28:41
helots also lived in constant fear because they
28:43
were continually abused and often killed by the
28:45
Spartans. Fucking crazy relationship
28:47
between these two class of people. The
28:50
periessae were another interesting class
28:52
of people in Sparta. Their name translates
28:54
to dwellers around. The
28:56
periessae were free men and
28:59
women who lived in surrounding
29:01
Laconia rather
29:03
than concentrated in the polis of Sparta.
29:06
They also had Messinian helots, and while
29:08
they would not be Sparta's elite hoplite
29:10
fighters, they did assist Sparta in battles
29:13
when called upon. The
29:15
land of Laconia lies in the southern end
29:17
of the Peloponnese Peninsula, south of where the
29:19
Messinians would dwell. Today, both
29:22
Messinia and Laconia are administrative
29:24
regions of modern Greece. The
29:27
periessae were skilled craftsmen and
29:29
traders, not full citizens.
29:32
They were treated much, much better than the helots.
29:34
They were respected by the Spartans because they often
29:36
built their weapons. And speaking
29:38
of weapons, the Spartans would use three
29:41
primary weapons, same as
29:43
many of the other city-state warriors. Their
29:45
main weapon was a dori, aka
29:48
a dori spear. They used this
29:50
when fighting as part of the phalanx. From
29:52
Six to nine feet long, depending on what era it
29:54
was being used in, it would have a handle with
29:56
a diameter of roughly two inches, made of hardwood, often
29:59
ash. The flat leave shape
30:01
spearhead was composed the iron as was the
30:03
iron but spite on the back end of
30:05
doors beer to serve mainly as a counterbalance
30:07
but also his best to sit out assemblies
30:09
heading with that. Are
30:11
the also sometimes through a javelin is a long range
30:14
weapon. Or it's estimated. It is right about
30:16
one hundred and fifty feet. He. Did not
30:18
use that that the bow and arrow
30:20
are these javelin and in its instead
30:22
are they had as a secondary close
30:24
range weapon. or if they're failing. Still
30:26
apart a Zeiss us a short double
30:28
edged one handed iron sort. Or.
30:30
Eighteen to twenty four inches long in
30:32
the Spartans case, as little shorter for
30:35
the Spartans or than for of many
30:37
of the other city states. Instrument or
30:39
even sports teams use these weapons as
30:41
they would fight alongside them in. Sport.
30:44
Of kings were of course of the top of the social hierarchy.
30:47
Sport. Had as I as a Zero Two
30:49
Kings for military purposes. Everything was about war
30:51
with these dudes. Everything focused on been militaristic
30:53
and for most their history. Each team came
30:55
from one of two blood months. The.
30:58
Your opponent you're upon deadline. And.
31:00
The A Gee I'd like. To. Royal
31:02
family's each producing male heirs for
31:04
dual thrones. One. Team would
31:06
go out on a military campaign. the other king
31:08
typically would stay behind to be able to rule
31:10
the city so they could have some continuity with
31:13
leadership of one was killed. Pretty.
31:15
Smart, or the Spartan government's.
31:17
Snc the girl see a. Sponsored.
31:20
Boys Education. Training.
31:22
And. Socialization. Turning
31:24
Spartan boys into Spartan warriors was
31:27
one of the primary functions, if
31:29
not the primary function of Spartan
31:32
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five dollars a month and now oh boy.
34:36
Ah, get ready to hear how Spartans
34:38
turn boys in two men. At.
34:42
The age of seven. All Spartan voice
34:44
with the possible exception of future kings
34:46
who could opt out but often did
34:48
not opt out went to the a
34:50
Goatee. The. Infamous Spartan
34:52
Military School/system of training the turned young
34:55
boys in the type of Spartans we
34:57
now think of in movies like Zack
34:59
Snyder's Frank Miller adaptation Three Hundred. Spartans.
35:03
Ready old practice street hockey
35:05
for tonight we dine and
35:07
how. Those. Guys. Life
35:10
and he goes he was are harsh.
35:13
Real. Rocks. And highly disciplined boys
35:15
will turn into fierce and fearless killers who
35:17
accepted endured extreme pain as if there was
35:20
no other way to live. In.
35:22
Sparta. If you were born a healthy boy,
35:24
you were going to become a soldier unless
35:26
you were killed a berth or the at
35:28
the age of five says were found physically
35:30
mentally or emotionally defective. More in that little
35:33
bit. If you're not till by
35:35
the states have been less ideal. You. Thought.
35:37
You. Fought the overwhelming majority of your life.
35:40
The only option for a Spartan man was to be
35:42
a soldier. Training began at age
35:45
seven. Required military service would end.
35:48
At. Age sixty. Fifty.
35:50
Three years of brutal training and
35:52
brutal fighting. Fucking Nuts.
35:55
The government vetted lot of time and money
35:57
in turning their boys into the best soldiers
35:59
possible. Boy. Live communally for
36:01
Brad to prepare them for army life. They
36:03
train for years to become hop flights. Armed.
36:06
Footsoldiers, As he
36:08
goes, he boys participated in violent physical
36:10
competitions. They. Were starved are
36:13
trained to be some survivalists. Boys
36:15
were instructed in reading, writing rhetoric,
36:17
poti warfare, stealth hunting, and as
36:19
legs. But. Mostly just the up
36:21
warfare or hunting as legs are
36:23
there was organized into companies that
36:25
lived together. The. First century
36:28
Ce Greek priest and historian
36:30
Plutarch. Wrote. About this. The.
36:33
Boy you have seldom judgments and was
36:35
most courageous and was made captain of
36:37
the company. The rest altaf their eyes
36:39
on him, obey his orders and submitting
36:41
to his punishments so they're boys. Training
36:44
was a practice of obedience. The.
36:47
Academic education the boys receive was elementary.
36:49
Are the primary focus again? Athletics?
36:51
Survivalism. A murderer as I'm mostly.
36:54
Another murder of them is not a word, but. Yet.
36:57
They were trying to be above all, ruthless in formidable
37:00
killers. Boise. Go barefoot would
37:02
rarely base. ah, we're not even allowed
37:04
to use lotion. Their skin is be
37:06
able to withstand the elements. Without assistance,
37:08
they would receive one clothes per year,
37:11
no other clothing to make them more
37:13
resistant about heat and cold. And.
37:15
It does get cold and sparta the
37:17
average low temperature for January and February
37:19
thirty eight degrees Fahrenheit. Not.
37:21
Typical barefoot weather, but these kids were left
37:24
barefoot even in the snow. That
37:26
build their own beds from reads
37:28
pulled from river banks. As they
37:30
grew, their exercise requirements would increase.
37:33
The. We have present themselves their teachers.
37:35
the routine physique of physique inspections Macys
37:37
were didn't feel strong enough enough muscle
37:39
getting tougher, as fit as they could
37:42
possibly be and they didn't pass their
37:44
flogged. Even. As an
37:46
adult you could and would be punished in
37:48
sparta for been out of shape but done
37:50
to me. Extra pounds to literally do you
37:52
x out best. Gwen. Shambling
37:54
from a few weeks ago. I would love this about
37:56
sports. hours you'll have much
37:59
else But she would love how fit Spartans
38:01
were. At the age of
38:03
12, recruits would be stripped naked except for their
38:05
red cloak and forced to sleep outside for a
38:07
while, get even tougher. No
38:09
more cushy riverbank reeds, you bougie fuckstick.
38:12
They were encouraged to scavenge and steal food,
38:17
but if they got caught, they were flogged. They
38:19
were not flogged for stealing, they were flogged for
38:21
getting caught stealing. They were trained to
38:23
be stealthy. According to Xenophon,
38:25
a fourth and fifth century BCE, Athenian
38:27
military leader, philosopher, and historian, the primary
38:29
purpose of this scant diet was to
38:31
keep the boys exceptionally fit. Like
38:34
Kyrgyz, legendary ninth century BCE Spartan
38:36
lawmaker, thought this treatment would actually
38:38
make boys grow taller. It
38:41
didn't. They didn't know a whole lot
38:43
about genetics, nutrition, how it worked back then. Their
38:46
hunger was good motivation to make them better at
38:48
stealing and teach them cunningness, you know, good skill
38:50
on the battlefield. University
38:52
of Virginia professor J.E. Lendon says
38:54
about Diagogy, boys
38:57
were whipped to inculcate respect
38:59
and obedience. They were
39:01
ill-clad to make them tough, and they were
39:03
starved to make them resistant to hunger. Instructors
39:07
and older men frequently instigated arguments and physical fights
39:09
among the boys on top of all of this.
39:12
Boys who were afraid or timid were violently
39:14
bullied by their peers and instructors. Girls
39:17
even got in on the hazing. At
39:19
religious and state ceremonies, they would sing songs about the
39:21
young men in the Diagogy, usually calling
39:23
out specific boys by name to shame them
39:26
for being fucking weak in front
39:28
of state leaders. Bullying was
39:30
not looked down upon, there
39:35
we go, none of it sounds right now, in Sparta at
39:37
all. In fact, it was encouraged. Bullying
39:39
was seen as just another tool to harden
39:41
boys and turn them into hard fighting men.
39:44
Tough times for lowly Melvins back
39:46
in Sparta. Great times for giga
39:49
chats. No one loved a giga
39:51
chat more than the Spartans. Also
39:54
at the age of 12, boys were
39:56
expected to engage in ritualized pederasty. So
39:59
to be. the homosexually abused by men,
40:02
even young Giga Chats were routinely
40:04
butt-fucked by their mentors. So maybe
40:06
not the best times for Giga
40:08
Chats back in Sparta, actually. How
40:12
widespread all that was is still debated by
40:14
historians. Sparta did not have its own historians,
40:16
which is interesting. There
40:18
are no real historical accounts regarding
40:20
ancient Spartans, written by Spartans themselves, especially
40:22
at their peak. A couple
40:24
of poems from the early Spartan days, yeah,
40:27
nothing from peak Sparta. Spartan
40:29
tradition prohibited the creation of records about internal
40:31
affairs. The Spartans were taught
40:34
to read and write for governmental administration and to
40:36
maintain control over the helots only. In
40:38
general, though, there was a cultural emphasis on
40:40
oral tradition. They didn't want other city-states learning
40:42
their secrets. That
40:44
said, according to what has been written, every Spartan warrior, grown-ass
40:47
man warrior, was expected to receive
40:49
a young warrior as his lover. Technical
40:52
term was inspirer. Creepy. I
40:55
think inspirer might be creepier than lover. The
40:58
younger partner was called the hearer. I
41:00
don't know how much they were, you know, I guess they had to listen a
41:02
lot, but other things were happening. The relationships were not
41:06
likely always sexual, maybe
41:08
not even perhaps mostly sexual. Sex
41:11
wasn't supposed to be the goal of the relationship, at least
41:13
not the primary goal. The inspirer was
41:15
a mentor to the hearer. But
41:17
it's thought that a lot of young Spartans, in
41:20
addition to not wearing shoes, sleeping out in the
41:22
cold, being beaten all the time, sometimes to death,
41:25
not giving up food, were also, you
41:27
know, butt-fucked quite a bit. Why
41:31
is butt-fucked such a funny way
41:33
to refer to anal sex, by the way? Way funnier than the
41:35
side of me. Less harsh than
41:38
ass-fucked. Definitely less harsh than, you know,
41:40
like, anally-raped, which
41:42
is what was going on here. But let's not
41:44
think of it that way. It's too tragic. Tragedy
41:46
plus time, remember? It's very tragic,
41:48
but didn't happen a long time ago. Obviously
41:51
disturbing, various forms of pederasty existed
41:53
all over ancient Greece, very different
41:56
times. Thank God life has
41:58
changed quite a bit. what
42:00
a deal these kids are getting, my God. Hey
42:03
kid, I'm gonna train you
42:05
into becoming a fierce fucking Spartan
42:07
warrior that will dominate Greece's battlefields
42:09
and bring the most glory to
42:11
Sparta. Sound good?
42:13
Hell yeah! For the glory of
42:15
Sparta! You got it kid. Now
42:18
turn around and bend over. Are
42:20
you gonna show me how to defend myself from sneak
42:22
attacks for the glory of Sparta? No,
42:25
no I'm gonna. I'm gonna fuck your butt.
42:28
For the glory of Sparta, I'm
42:30
gonna train you to be an amazing warrior but
42:32
first, more gonna focus on the buffucking for
42:35
the glory of Sparta. This
42:37
mentor program, fills around
42:40
quite a bit of buffucking. In some instances, wasn't
42:42
always a kid being mentored by an adult. Sometimes
42:44
an adult warrior could be mentor
42:46
sodomized by someone more powerful than
42:48
himself. One famous
42:50
example of this kind of relationship was
42:53
5th century BCE Spartan military leader General
42:55
Lysander and Spartan king, Agisalaeus,
42:58
younger son of King Artinimus
43:00
II. Lysander was
43:03
in his mid-twenties when he became Agisalaeus' power
43:05
bottom. I mean, protege. Agisalaeus
43:07
was considered one of the most
43:09
eligible hero candidates. This
43:12
relationship boosted Lysander's status. Also
43:16
maybe made it hard for him to sit down. Sometimes
43:19
I'm guessing. Not so kind of sweet lubes they were working
43:21
with back then. Hopefully at least some olive oil.
43:23
But I don't know for sure. They didn't write that down. Now
43:26
let's take a little sodomy break. Talk
43:28
about how Sparta was unique and that
43:30
it valued collectivism but encouraged individual
43:33
greatness through athletics. A
43:35
Goji student competed in various contests of
43:37
endurance. Some of these
43:40
contests included foot races and wrestling, naked
43:42
wrestling. All the mentoring probably made
43:44
them real good at making sure they ended up on
43:46
top when it came to naked wrestling. One
43:49
contest involved two teams trying to kick each other off
43:51
an island. By any means
43:53
possible. Including kicking, biting, punching,
43:55
gouging till there's fucking eyes out if it
43:57
came to that. Again, some
44:00
nice, you know. people would die you know
44:02
in the ugh. a goatee through their training,
44:04
rituals and contests of was sort of fun
44:06
times. As for the glory, sparta. To
44:09
get all this was done in the of Crane Super
44:11
Soldiers of weeding out the week. The.
44:13
Spartans died producing the most fit and
44:16
athletic wars possible because he valued military
44:18
dominance again. Above all else, including their
44:20
dominance, was dominated the slaves, the greatly
44:22
outnumbered the Spartans in their own territory.
44:25
The ratio varied over the centuries, but assaulted the
44:27
hell. It's outnumbered Spartans by as much as twenty
44:29
one. The majority the population
44:31
of far between sixty five and eighty
44:33
five percent typically was enslaved. Hell, it's
44:36
and gonna hate sports. I
44:38
sue who? The Daily Beast? So.
44:40
The axles parts had were real heart seats
44:42
upper hand on. His
44:44
part is not nearly as noble as they seem
44:46
like. and three hundred. That. Emily hits
44:48
all different the hit a little difference. We think
44:51
about how all as bad as warriors had tons
44:53
of slaves they continually abuse sometimes a killed for
44:55
fund his wherever and about how good deal them
44:57
feel like they got bought bought by their mentors
44:59
as young boys and then proceeded to but fox
45:02
their own boy physics. So.
45:04
I did. They were going to get started to break. The
45:06
Policies. Extreme focus on
45:08
physical fitness existed in Sparta. Which.
45:11
Was nice when he came to all the. I
45:13
said I sell Duds edition soldiers. Boys.
45:16
And training and women and often with
45:18
new to show off their physiques and
45:20
same anyone who did not meet the
45:22
Spartan standard body saving was a big
45:24
thing. And. Us better. If
45:26
you have trouble with body begins body shaming you'd
45:28
fucking to die of sadness and probably day two
45:30
days tops if he got some expert. Or.
45:33
This physical culture was also viewed as a form
45:36
of preventative medicine. Degree. Correctly bleed
45:38
physical activity could help when recover from illness,
45:40
weakness and help you know it's know sick.
45:43
Hills your soldiers, he pulled better soldiers
45:45
you know, Bob more consistently effect. it's
45:47
healthier women believed to put a stronger
45:49
tells your babies and probably also have
45:51
a higher pain tolerance and be able
45:53
to withstand their own constant. But a
45:55
note. A Celebrate. the
45:58
a senior military general news story The historian
46:01
Thucydides wrote in the 5th century
46:03
B.C., The Spartans were
46:05
the first to strip naked and to
46:07
disrobe openly and anoint themselves in oil
46:09
after playing sports. So
46:11
he's throwing some shade of Spartans there. Well,
46:13
fucking Spartans. Ah, no, no, he's naked. Spartans,
46:16
when they did wear clothes, dressed modestly, all
46:18
of them, they weren't really wealthy Spartans
46:21
and poor Spartans. It wasn't
46:23
like a class divine. They all lived fairly communistic,
46:26
really. Like Hargis, Sparta's
46:28
legendary lawgiver, added to Sparta's constitution a provision
46:30
in the 8th century B.C., banning the circulation
46:32
and possession of gold, silver, or other precious
46:35
metals as a means of transacting business, replacing
46:38
them with an iron currency, variously reported as
46:40
being in the form of discs or bars.
46:43
And Plutarch wrote that the new currency was made
46:45
from iron that had been quenched in a vinegar
46:47
bath after being raised to red heat, thereby rendering
46:49
it too brittle for use in making tools or
46:52
weapons. And the new iron
46:54
money, besides being intrinsically useless, bulky
46:56
and hard to transport. This action was seen
46:58
by Plutarch as a way of isolating Sparta from
47:01
outside trade, stimulating the development of
47:03
its internal arts and crafts so
47:05
as to prevent foreign influences and the decadence
47:07
of markets. This encumbering currency
47:09
also rid Sparta of every crime in which the
47:11
theft of hard currency was the objective. This
47:14
would help keep Sparta isolated, which
47:17
was a good thing when it came to keeping the Spartan way of
47:19
life going. Towards the end of their culture, when
47:21
Sparta starts to interact more and more with the outside world,
47:24
more and more Spartans realize, hey, wait
47:26
a minute, you weren't also beaten
47:28
and starved and fucked when you were taken away from your
47:30
family at the age of 7? Wait a
47:32
minute, maybe our way is not the best way. And
47:36
again, their currency restrictions was
47:38
to avoid wealth building also. They
47:41
did not have like a wealthy class of aristocrats
47:43
and then the poor class. It was just all
47:45
same-as-he's for Spartan citizens, pretty much. Back
47:48
to peak athleticism. The
47:50
Spartans held a variety of competitions to celebrate physical
47:52
dominance. One annual
47:54
and very insane competition we
47:57
know about was the Dimastogosis. a
48:00
religious ritual to test the boy's bravery and
48:02
pain tolerance eventually became some weird
48:04
kind of blood sport. Some
48:06
boys would be instructed to steal cheese. Yep,
48:09
cheese. From the sanctuary of
48:11
Artemis, or Thea, Artemis,
48:13
the Greek goddess of the hunt, also the moon,
48:15
wild nature, and chastity. Boys
48:17
had to evade armed guards, who typically
48:19
were just fellow Agoji trainees. So
48:22
while one group of boys was instructed to take as
48:24
much cheese as possible, the other group
48:26
was instructed to not let those fuckers
48:28
steal any cheese under any circumstances. Cue
48:31
violent hand-to-hand kid combat and a
48:34
bunch of cheese. For some reason.
48:37
Cheese parts never really explained. If they were caught stealing,
48:39
boys were flogged in front of the altar at the
48:41
sanctuary of Artemis or Thea, and
48:43
that practice became so popular, these little
48:46
kids getting fucking whipped, that
48:48
by 300 BCE,
48:50
the Spartans made an amphitheater. So
48:53
tourists could travel to watch little boys get
48:55
beat. That's
48:58
nothing weird about that at all. Just head
49:00
out of the amphitheater, watch some little boys get whipped. Probably
49:02
enjoy some tasty ass cheese. We
49:05
didn't have to fight in one form. For the glory of Sparta. Oh
49:09
boy. According to several
49:11
sources, the boys liked to be watched
49:13
getting whipped. Whipping
49:15
was a test of courage and stoicism. Boys
49:17
looked forward to the public display of their fortitude. Thank
49:20
you sir, may I have another? Is
49:22
that all you got sir? Harder
49:24
sir. I have been roughly buff. I've
49:27
been roughly buffed up so many times I've lost most of the
49:29
feeling in my back sir. Probably
49:32
break is over I guess. Other
49:34
Greeks who learned about these practices were disgusted. Famous
49:37
Greek philosopher, Aristotle. Lindsay
49:40
thought it was hilarious that I had to look up
49:42
pronunciation. I do. I know how to say
49:44
Aristotle, but growing up, none
49:47
of you were going to be surprised. For a
49:49
long time I thought it was, now
49:51
I can't remember how I said it, Aristotle. That's
49:53
what I thought it was. I thought it was Aristotle. So
49:56
I have to check. It's like in the
49:58
back of my mind I'm like I think it's in. Aristotle. Anyway,
50:02
Aristotle said that Spartans turned boys into animals.
50:05
Not wrong. Other Greek philosophers and
50:07
historians described the Spartans as savage
50:09
beasts, mindless bees in a hive
50:11
with no individuality whose only function
50:13
was to sting. Yeah,
50:16
I think I agree. Spartans
50:18
sound absolutely barbaric. Teen
50:20
boys who demonstrated the most leadership skills
50:22
for Sparta were selected for the cryptaia,
50:25
a secret police force that terrorized the
50:27
helots even more than are already being
50:29
terrorized. They'd be encouraged to kill
50:31
many of them in this regard. Spartans
50:35
were savages. Plutarch
50:37
is the main source as far as claims that
50:39
the Spartans use boy death squads to
50:42
keep the Messinians in check. He wrote,
50:44
the magistrates from time to time sent out into the
50:46
country at large, the most discreet of the young warriors,
50:49
equipped only with daggers and such
50:51
supplies as were necessary. In the
50:53
daytime, they scattered into obscure and out of the way
50:55
places where they hid themselves and lay
50:57
quiet. But in the night, they
50:59
came down into the highways and killed every
51:01
helot whom they caught. The
51:04
horror movie, the hell thing that was fucked up version
51:06
of hide and sit. Life
51:08
sucked for the Messinian,
51:10
Messinian helots. I have to think
51:13
they often must have fled the lands of Sparta to try
51:15
and live just anywhere else. Historians
51:17
debate if this cryptaia was real or not, but even
51:19
if it wasn't just the rumor of a young boy
51:21
or young man in a death squad. Some
51:23
sources say members of these squads were between 21 and
51:25
30 years old, some say younger, probably
51:28
enough to further scare the poor helots
51:30
into submission. At the age
51:32
of 20, boys would
51:34
graduate from the Egoji and become soldiers.
51:37
Passing the Egoji was critical to get into
51:39
the messes and become full citizens
51:42
and soldiers. The messes were these
51:44
communal dining halls that were only
51:46
for Spartan citizens, right? These men. Men
51:48
were expected to contribute a certain amount of labor
51:50
to the mess, keep up their physical training. It's
51:52
very communal. The Spartan city
51:55
state feels a lot like a cult. Real
51:58
military training began at age 20. The
52:00
Egoji was meant to toughen men up,
52:02
make them compliant members of society. By
52:04
graduation, young men could run, fight, carry
52:06
heavy objects, endure all kinds of weather.
52:09
They knew how to function as part of a group
52:11
to be obedient of singular purpose. Now,
52:14
more advanced weapon and battle training began and
52:16
continued most often until the soldier
52:18
died in battle. Soldiers
52:20
were on active duty again until the age of 60.
52:24
After graduating the Egoji, the men
52:26
entered a sisisha, a
52:29
military-style mess, one of the messes
52:31
I've mentioned already, where citizens would gather for public meals.
52:34
Men had to spend most of their time in the messes when
52:36
they were not training for battle. Think
52:38
of big college dorms, where
52:40
the students never fucking studied but
52:42
always fought. Even
52:45
after graduation, entry was not guaranteed into
52:47
one of these messes. Egoji graduates had
52:49
to be voted in by existing members
52:51
of the mess. If you didn't get
52:53
in, you were publicly humiliated, excluded, and
52:55
effectively banished from Sparta. If
52:57
you did get voted in, you were given land and slaves
52:59
to support you and your family. You became a homeoiai,
53:03
an equal and elite warrior. One
53:06
interesting purpose of the messes was to prevent
53:08
civil conflict by mixing generations and enforcing equality
53:10
amongst everyone. Sparta
53:12
discouraged flaunting wealth even when it came to food.
53:15
Rations were always bland and,
53:17
quote, slightly sufficient, according
53:20
to a ancient author. This was, again,
53:22
because Spartans were devoted to fitness and a
53:24
proper diet. If anyone was overweight, you know,
53:26
publicly ridiculed, risk of banishment. A
53:29
common dish of these messes – you can find recipes
53:32
for this online now – was this
53:34
nasty-ass looking soup, like the nastiest.
53:37
It was made largely out of pig's blood and vinegar,
53:39
and it was just called black soup.
53:43
It looks just rancid. The
53:45
Spartans would drink wine with every meal, but not much.
53:48
Big no-no to get drunk, because they
53:50
did view drunkenness as very shameful. If
53:53
you get drunk, you cannot fight as effectively. Everything's
53:55
about fighting. Seventh century
53:58
BCE poem from the Spartan poet. Alkman
54:01
illustrates how Spartans emphasized equality among the
54:03
classes, and I will give
54:05
you a tripod bowl. It has not been
54:07
over a fire yet, but soon it will be full of
54:09
soup. The kind that Alkman, who
54:11
eats everything, loves hot after the solstice. He
54:14
doesn't eat any confections, but seeks common available
54:16
food, just like the people do. Did
54:19
I mention they didn't have a lot of good poets? Maybe
54:22
it's better in Greek. I doubt it. New
54:24
graduates began training to fight in
54:26
the Phalanx Formation. The
54:29
Phalanx Formation was the military formation of
54:31
ancient Greece. Consistent of
54:33
a tightly packed rectangular formation of heavily
54:35
armed infantry, hoplites, think the 300, if
54:38
you've seen it, or any other movies
54:40
about ancient Greece. Standing shoulder to
54:42
shoulder, several rows deep, moving in rhythm with
54:44
one another. Each man's roughly
54:47
30 pound large shield made of wood, leather and
54:49
bronze, protecting not only him, but the men to
54:51
his side. Think a living tank.
54:54
Right. The soldiers would advance slowly towards the opposing
54:56
army in a tight formation, fending off missile blows
54:58
with their shields. Once close enough
55:01
to strike their dory, stabbing out from behind
55:03
the shields and retreating back behind them rhythmically
55:05
over and over. The Spartan
55:07
hoplites worked as a close knit unit, the best
55:09
in ancient Greece, and they
55:11
coordinated mass maneuvers perfectly. No
55:14
soldier was superior to another. Spartans all
55:16
wore the classic Greek uniform, a bronze
55:18
helmet, breast plates, ankle guards, in addition
55:20
to their round, bronze shields, spears, swords,
55:22
and occasionally some javelins. Spartan
55:25
men kept their hair long, wore bright red cloaks
55:27
just to fill in the picture. In
55:29
addition to peak physical fitness and indifference to pain and
55:32
suffering, superior organization
55:34
was a hallmark of Spartan soldiers. The
55:36
phalanxes spent hours a day perfecting training
55:39
deals, which gave them an edge over other
55:41
armies. Hoplites practiced to music
55:43
in what they called rhythmic drills or war
55:45
music. This helped them with their coordination as
55:47
a group. In most ancient Greece,
55:50
hoplites were not professional soldiers. They were farmers,
55:52
random citizens who volunteered or
55:55
were conscripted, conscripted a force to fight in
55:57
wars as needed. Sparta's Hoplites.
56:00
New, nothing but been soldiers and
56:02
were therefore highly skilled and trained
56:04
specialists. Hub lights are almost always
56:06
thought. The Phalanx Seven to eight,
56:08
Seven to eight men deep. And.
56:10
Up to fifty men across all soldiers had
56:12
to trust each other completely because of your
56:15
neighbor, left you behind her ran you'd be
56:17
exposed, the enemy and the whole for me
56:19
would now be in danger. Dropping.
56:21
Your shields was considered the ultimate
56:24
disgrace. Because. Half of your she'll
56:26
was meant for your neighbors' protection. Supposedly.
56:29
Com insane for spartan mother's. Said.
56:31
Of their sons when they would leave for battle was.
56:34
Come back with your shield. Or.
56:36
On it. I was not just
56:38
a random a Hollywood line for three
56:40
hundred. Basically only drop your shield if
56:42
you are fucking debt. When.
56:45
Or die trying. Don't.
56:47
Know that, but fucking habit of vein my
56:49
sweet. We bought. Five woman
56:51
cel died in battle with seat is a complete in
56:53
a duty and honor. Only. Two
56:55
types of people could get their name on
56:57
a tombstone and Sparta women who died in
56:59
childbirth. Why? Don't you know? given allies
57:02
to spot or men who fell in battle given
57:04
their lives to spot. When
57:06
opposing phalanx has met on battle War became are
57:08
are in battle War became a bloody stabbing
57:10
and pushing contest. The rear of the failings of
57:12
push as hard as they could to move
57:14
the unit forward. The first three rows would do
57:17
the attacking. Spartan. Soldiers love and
57:19
put Gorgons of a scary figures on their
57:21
shields to intimidate enemies on the front lines.
57:25
Number. One rule been a Spartan
57:27
soldier. never surrendered. Spartans.
57:29
Are trained to fight without fear or
57:31
they've been through through so much since
57:33
the age of seven to so much
57:35
you know, punishments, physical abuse, ah that
57:38
they were just immune to pain. Basically
57:40
surrender was cowardice. Soldiers who did you
57:42
know ourselves at the If he showed
57:44
encounters was shamed. It's a fairly often
57:46
committed suicide for raw to test the
57:48
fifth century Greek historian from a Calico
57:51
Nasa's. Wrote. A warning tale of
57:53
two soldiers who missed out on the great
57:55
Spartan battle. Of them are Billie. They.
57:57
Were disgrace One hanged himself,
58:00
The other redeemed himself by fighting to the death
58:02
in a later battle. If you
58:04
fought all the way until the age of 60, you're
58:06
probably a serious badass to live that long because they fought
58:08
a lot, then you
58:11
qualified for the Garosillo. Now
58:13
let's talk about Spartan women a bit again. That Garosillo
58:15
again is that council of the 28. Women
58:19
in Sparta lived unique lives much different than any other part
58:21
of Greece and the rest of the world. Women
58:24
had more equality and rights as I mentioned earlier, but not
58:26
equal to men. Women were encouraged
58:28
to be independent minded and deep thinkers. They
58:31
were educated in their homes and
58:33
apparently were not frequently beaten
58:35
and buttfucked which probably allowed greater focus
58:37
on their studies. I would imagine. I
58:40
just think if you're trying to study for a test, getting
58:42
buttfucked while you're studying is a dead giveaway
58:44
that you're not gonna ace it. I'm
58:57
just really missed hitting that button. Girls, unlike
58:59
boys, grew up with their parents and went through a
59:01
rigorous educational program from a young age. Something
59:04
seen as scandalous in many of the other city-states
59:06
was that Spartan women were allowed to participate in
59:08
athletic competitions as I mentioned. They
59:10
did so for personal enjoyment, but also to impress
59:13
the men and just be physically stronger. Spartan
59:15
men valued a woman who was strong and athletic. Women
59:18
competed in javelin throwing, discus throwing,
59:20
wrestling, gymnastics, singing
59:22
and dancing competitions as well. Women
59:25
learned horse riding, carriage driving, chariot
59:27
racing. Spartan women even competed in
59:29
chariot racing in the Olympic Games. In
59:32
the fifth century BC, Spartan princess Senisca
59:34
was the first woman to win a wreath
59:37
at the Olympics. Be a bunch of dudes! Spartan
59:41
general Pausanias reported she
59:43
was exceedingly ambitious to succeed at the
59:45
Olympic Games and was the first
59:48
woman to breed horses and the first to win an
59:50
Olympic victory. Again, the
59:52
primary purpose of women competing to
59:54
get strong enough to bear a lot
59:56
of children, strong children
59:59
and not die well. while doing so. Pump
1:00:01
out as many badass Spartan sociopathic warriors
1:00:03
as possible for the glory of Sparta.
1:00:07
Spartan women could also own property, not the norm
1:00:10
for women in Greek city state. Because of the
1:00:12
poor lowly helots, they also didn't have to maintain
1:00:14
the daily tasks of a household, which
1:00:16
meant no cooking, no cleaning, no sewing. Marriage
1:00:19
was very important in Spartan culture because the state
1:00:21
pressured families to produce as many male children as
1:00:23
possible. We got to get those soldiers. They
1:00:26
wanted to have a good stock of soldiers because men died
1:00:28
often in battle. Men who delayed
1:00:30
marriage were publicly shamed while men who
1:00:32
fathered many children were rewarded. Men
1:00:35
generally did not marry until past the age of 30 before
1:00:38
then it was all fight, fight, fight, fight, fight. They
1:00:41
couldn't move out of the barracks until the age of 30. If
1:00:44
they got married before that, they were not allowed to live
1:00:46
with their family until they were 30. Most
1:00:49
marriages were arranged by a woman's parents and women
1:00:51
were occasionally, if not often, forced into marriages. While
1:00:54
men were encouraged to marry at 30, women were encouraged
1:00:56
to marry at 20. Marriage
1:00:58
was viewed as a means to conceive a boy that
1:01:00
would become a new soldier. As I mentioned, citizens were
1:01:02
told to assess the health and fitness of their potential
1:01:04
partner before getting married. If a
1:01:06
Spartan man could not give a woman a
1:01:08
child, excuse me, she was expected to seek out another
1:01:10
man to impregnate her. Sometimes
1:01:13
the husbands themselves would seek out
1:01:15
another man to impregnate their wife.
1:01:19
Man, that really sucked to
1:01:22
be like a Spartan with erectile dysfunction. Then
1:01:25
to do your duty, get your wife pregnant, you start
1:01:27
thinking about, God, who do I know? Who
1:01:30
do I know who could impregnate her? The
1:01:33
one dick you
1:01:35
know for sure works in Sparta is
1:01:37
your mentors because of all
1:01:39
the butt-fucking you guys did. Now
1:01:42
that butt-fucker is smoking your wife. Especially
1:01:44
tough times for Spartan cucks. Older
1:01:48
bachelors abstaining from sex were seen as neglecting their
1:01:50
duty in a republic shamed of gatherings and festivals.
1:01:52
Why'd you fucking get out there? What do you
1:01:54
mean? Just hanging out at home. Also
1:01:57
very tough times for gay Spartans. Almost
1:01:59
impossible to- to avoid getting into some vagina
1:02:02
that they found repulsive. Women
1:02:04
were allowed to have multiple sexual partners with
1:02:06
the consent of their husband. This was mainly
1:02:08
because of Sparta's lowest citizen population for most
1:02:10
of their history. Women encouraged to do
1:02:12
anything it took to kick out healthy
1:02:14
Spartan boys. Get to fucking
1:02:17
Hellas Fina. An emphasis
1:02:19
on healthy son. Why
1:02:21
was Sparta citizen population so low? Well, for one,
1:02:23
you know, all the male citizens are
1:02:26
soldiers, which really ratchets up
1:02:28
your mortality rates. Also,
1:02:30
though, they killed a shitload of their babies.
1:02:34
Infanticide was a common occurrence in Sparta, and
1:02:36
it was organized, ordered and carried out by
1:02:38
the state. All new babies
1:02:41
had to be brought before a few members
1:02:43
of the Garosia to be examined for physical
1:02:45
or mental defects. Those who
1:02:47
did not pass the test were killed. According
1:02:50
to ancient historian Plutarch, well-built and
1:02:53
sturdy children lived, but the ill-born babies
1:02:55
were tossed into a chasm at
1:02:58
the foot of Mount
1:03:01
Tyigutos. He
1:03:03
wrote, the father does not have the right to raise
1:03:05
the offspring, but he must take it
1:03:07
to the place called Leshay, where the elders
1:03:09
of the same tribe, sitting as judges, closely
1:03:12
examine the child. If he is
1:03:14
strong and of sound body, they command that he be raised,
1:03:16
and they assign him an allotment of land from the 9,000
1:03:18
plots. If he is
1:03:21
ill-born and misshapen, they throw
1:03:23
him into the pit at
1:03:25
the place called Apothete below
1:03:28
Mount Tyigutos, as
1:03:30
it is better neither for him nor for the city
1:03:32
to remain alive, as from the beginning
1:03:34
he does not have a good start towards becoming
1:03:37
healthy and strong. Good
1:03:39
God, just yeetin' babies
1:03:41
into a pit. They didn't really get
1:03:43
into that in 300. Let's never forget that
1:03:45
part of the movie where they're just fucking tossing babies in a hole. That
1:03:49
account is generally considered a myth, but
1:03:51
not by much. What
1:03:53
is considered the truth is not better at all. Most
1:03:56
historians believe that while babies were not thrown into
1:03:58
a pit, they were left on a hillside where
1:04:01
they would die of exposure, be eaten by wild
1:04:03
animals, maybe be found and raised by
1:04:05
strange. I think it'd be better to be thrown in a pit.
1:04:07
Maybe you die on impact at the bottom of the pit as
1:04:09
opposed to just left out on a hill. Spartan
1:04:12
babies, according to legends, who were not left
1:04:14
out to die were often bathed in wine
1:04:16
instead of water to test their constitutions. They
1:04:20
were also ignored, whatever they
1:04:22
cried, and commanded never to fear darkness
1:04:24
or solitude. Stop fearing darkness, baby! These
1:04:28
guys were savages. Then, according to at least a
1:04:30
few sources, I found Spartan kids would be tested
1:04:32
again at the age of five. This is
1:04:34
even more fucked up and just straight
1:04:36
up murdered if deemed to be defective
1:04:38
at that point. Hopefully, at that point, they
1:04:40
would throw them in a pit as opposed to just, say there
1:04:42
on the hill until you're dead! The
1:04:45
word Spartan itself has come to mean self-restrained,
1:04:48
simple, frugal, and austere. The
1:04:50
original name for Spartans, Laconic,
1:04:52
a native of Laconia, means
1:04:55
using few words, concise. These
1:04:57
words were derived from the Spartans because they
1:04:59
valued brevity when speaking, unlike politicians
1:05:02
and citizens in many other Greek
1:05:04
city-states. Enough chitchat! Time to
1:05:06
fight! Maybe fuck some butts,
1:05:08
kill a few babies! Then we
1:05:10
got the glorious Sparta to focus on.
1:05:14
Plutarch wrote, No man was allowed to live
1:05:16
as he pleased, but in their city, as
1:05:18
in a military encampment, they always had a
1:05:20
prescribed regiment. Spartans would
1:05:22
sometimes humiliate poor helots. Man,
1:05:25
fucking with the helots is the favorite pastime of the
1:05:28
Spartans. They would do this as a
1:05:30
demonstration of the virtue of self-control sometimes. A common
1:05:32
practice, I guess, was to force a helot to
1:05:34
get drunk in public so that
1:05:36
they would start to act foolish. That would
1:05:38
be used as a demonstration to young boys for how
1:05:40
an adult should not behave in public. Then
1:05:44
after being forced to be drunk in public, oftentimes they'd
1:05:46
be beaten for being drunk in public. Insanity.
1:05:49
Spartans valued self-control above all else,
1:05:52
others would mean really good at fighting, of course. But
1:05:54
having great self-control did help with
1:05:56
fighting. Loyalty to the state came above
1:05:58
even loyalty to one's family. Sparta, right?
1:06:00
You must live for Sparta. The
1:06:02
singular focus, this rigid way of
1:06:04
living, this obsessive emphasis on turning
1:06:07
boys, all Spartan boys into brutal
1:06:09
killers led to Sparta becoming the
1:06:11
most feared and militarily dominant city
1:06:13
state in all of Greece. However,
1:06:16
it would later lead to Sparta's demise.
1:06:19
Spartans were not flexible, not
1:06:21
in any way very rigid. They
1:06:23
fought the same way for centuries and they became really,
1:06:26
really good at it because they honed in and perfected
1:06:28
it. They were the best, but they did not create
1:06:30
a plan B. And eventually, as
1:06:32
the world started to change more around them, they
1:06:34
couldn't keep up. Spartans found themselves ill-equipped to deal
1:06:36
with problems like social issues of inequality and a
1:06:38
desire by more and more members of their declining
1:06:41
population to maybe, I don't know, write
1:06:43
a play or read a book instead
1:06:45
of beat the fuck out of some other kid for cheese and
1:06:48
see how well you can handle being publicly whipped. The
1:06:51
Spartans refused to adapt, even militarily. They did
1:06:53
not innovate or create new technologies for war
1:06:55
towards the end of their society. And
1:06:58
eventually those around them evolved past them
1:07:01
and the glory of Sparta was
1:07:03
no more. Now let's
1:07:05
learn about these crazy buttfuckers. Some more, take
1:07:07
a look at the timeline of Sparta from
1:07:09
its beginning to its end. After
1:07:13
the second of two, MidShow's sponsor breaks.
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McDonald's must opt into rewards. I'm
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back and now it's time for
1:08:34
a timeline. Shrap
1:08:38
on those boots, soldier. We're
1:08:40
marching down a time stock
1:08:42
timeline. In
1:08:50
1400 BCE, almost
1:08:53
3,500 years ago, Sparta
1:08:55
was already some sort of an important site in
1:08:57
the ancient world. In
1:08:59
2015, archaeologists dug up a 10 room palace
1:09:02
containing ancient records written in a script called
1:09:04
Linear B. The palace was
1:09:06
found 7.5 miles from the
1:09:08
city center of ancient Sparta. The archeologist
1:09:10
found murals, a cup with
1:09:12
a bull's head, bronze swords. According
1:09:15
to their estimates, the palace burned down in the
1:09:17
14th century BCE. They could not
1:09:19
find the ruins of the city that surrounded
1:09:21
this ancient palace, making the palace quite a
1:09:23
mystery. Historians have no idea
1:09:25
how or if people continued living in the area after
1:09:27
the palace that would have been the center of their
1:09:30
government burned down. Research suggests
1:09:32
likely would have been the center. Our
1:09:34
research suggests a three century drought affected
1:09:36
Greece at the time. May have helped
1:09:38
in bringing about this fire. During
1:09:41
this ancient drought, most civilization on the
1:09:43
Peloponnese disappeared and much of Greece
1:09:45
was overtaken by a sort of dark age. Eventually
1:09:48
new people from Northern Greece moved to the
1:09:50
south over the centuries to live on the
1:09:52
Peloponnese marking a new beginning for Sparta. Sometime
1:09:56
around 1000 BCE, the early Iron Age. Four
1:10:00
villages with really fucked up names that I'm not going
1:10:02
to try and say because there's no pronunciation guys came
1:10:05
together to form the beginnings of Sparta. These
1:10:07
four villages joined near what would become
1:10:09
Sparta's Acropolis, and the city
1:10:11
was located in the fertile Eurotus Valley. The
1:10:14
villagers had plenty of food and water access. The
1:10:16
name Sparta comes from a verb meaning to sow,
1:10:19
suggesting farming origins for the later uber
1:10:22
militaristic people. They built
1:10:24
a Menelian temple to honor the original king
1:10:26
of the area, and new
1:10:28
neighboring cities started popping up during this period
1:10:30
of renewal. In 900
1:10:32
B.C., the origins of Sparta as we know it
1:10:35
began. Sparta lies on the banks
1:10:37
of the Eurotus River. The area was
1:10:39
very safe, naturally fortified by mountains and hills. That,
1:10:41
along with the fertile river valley, was the perfect
1:10:44
location for the formation of a Greek city-state. Easy
1:10:47
irrigation. You've got fish right there. You've
1:10:50
got pretty good weather, good soil. Sparta
1:10:53
first began with a rigid oligarchic
1:10:55
or oligarchic constitution. Two kings were
1:10:57
established as lifetime rulers. Sparta
1:10:59
claimed their two kings were descendants
1:11:01
of Heracles, son of Zeus, a
1:11:03
demigod with superhuman strength. Heracles
1:11:06
became the ultimate symbol of masculine power
1:11:09
and bravery, very fitting for Sparta. Heracles,
1:11:12
better known here in the U.S. as Hercules.
1:11:15
The first kings, according to legend, were a set
1:11:18
of twins, and they seized control from the descendants
1:11:20
of Agamemnon, the fabled king who led the Greeks
1:11:22
in the Trojan War, and was murdered by
1:11:24
his wife upon his return from Troy. This
1:11:26
was the start of Spartas. Spartas, I don't
1:11:29
know why I like to say it that way, the
1:11:31
two king system, the early Spartans, eventually seized control of
1:11:33
the Eurotus Valley and conquered and colonized their neighbors. In
1:11:37
the 10th century B.C., famed Spartan
1:11:39
lawmaker, possibly more legend than man,
1:11:42
Lycurgus, created the retro, the
1:11:44
original set of Spartan laws. It's like their
1:11:46
constitution. Plutarch
1:11:48
claimed to preserve the early Spartan
1:11:50
constitution. Historians, however, debate the existence
1:11:52
of Lycurgus. Many believe
1:11:54
he was a fictional inspirational character for the
1:11:56
Spartans. The Greeks, they loved to make up
1:11:58
historical figures. and that some early
1:12:01
kings or council actually wrote the retro. If
1:12:03
Lycurgus is real, he claimed
1:12:05
he received instructions on the retro from a
1:12:08
Delphic Oracle. The retro defined
1:12:10
the powers of the different Spartan classes. And
1:12:12
the Delphic Oracle, that basically just saying
1:12:15
like, nah, this, these laws come from
1:12:17
God. This, this retro mentioned tribes and
1:12:19
various localities, as well as units of governmental
1:12:21
organization. The retro demanded a council with two
1:12:23
kings, assembly meetings, declared that people should have
1:12:26
the power. A later writer
1:12:28
added to the retro by King
1:12:30
Theopompus and Polydorus, kings
1:12:33
there, reigning in the
1:12:35
seventh and eighth centuries BCE, stated that if the
1:12:37
people chose crookedly, then the elders
1:12:39
should dissolve the issue. There is much
1:12:41
debate on the truth and actual age
1:12:43
of the retro, but regardless, the Spartans
1:12:45
followed as their constitution. The
1:12:48
retro is thought to have made Sparta the
1:12:50
first city state to politically define the rights
1:12:52
and duties of its citizens. The
1:12:54
early Spartans did place an emphasis on the arts,
1:12:57
surprisingly, as shown by remains
1:12:59
of pottery and poetry. These
1:13:01
remains were found in modern day Libya,
1:13:03
the island of Samos, Samos
1:13:05
near Turkey, up until 600 BC,
1:13:07
the Spartans may have had an ivory workshop. Their
1:13:10
surviving iris depicts birds, men and women,
1:13:13
sacred tree, more. Historians
1:13:15
have noted that Sparta produced more poetry than any
1:13:17
other Greek city states in the seventh century BC,
1:13:20
and their poetry would reflect a transition into
1:13:22
military values. One early
1:13:25
Spartan poet, we met him before,
1:13:27
named Alkman. You're familiar with
1:13:29
his great work. He wrote a
1:13:31
poem for a festival about a choir girl
1:13:33
named Agito. Alkman's dates are
1:13:35
uncertain, but he's probably active in the late seventh
1:13:38
century BC, and here he is
1:13:40
not writing about war. There
1:13:42
is such a thing as retribution from the gods. Happy
1:13:45
as he, who sound of mind weaves through
1:13:47
the day unwet. I sing
1:13:49
the light of Agito. I see
1:13:51
it likes the sun, whom Agito summons to appear and
1:13:53
witness for us. But the
1:13:56
glorious chorus mistress forbids me to either
1:13:58
praise or blame her. For
1:14:00
she appears to be outstanding, as if one
1:14:02
placed among a grazing herd of a perfect
1:14:05
horse, a prize winner with resounding hooves, one
1:14:09
of the dreams that dwell below the rock." Yeah,
1:14:13
that sounds kind of cool. I bet it
1:14:15
sounds cooler in Greek. Contrast this poem to
1:14:17
a poem from Tiritus, a mid-7th century poet,
1:14:20
Spartan poet, whose work shows Sparta's transition to
1:14:22
a military society that same
1:14:25
century. Here is courage, mankind's finest
1:14:27
possession. Here is the noblest prize that a young
1:14:29
man can endeavor to win. And it is a
1:14:31
good thing his city and all the people share
1:14:33
with him when a man plants his feet and
1:14:35
stands in the foremost spears relentlessly, all
1:14:38
thought of foul flight completely forgotten and
1:14:40
has well trained his heart to be
1:14:42
steadfast and to endure, and with words
1:14:44
encourages the man to a station beside
1:14:46
him. Here is a man who
1:14:48
proves himself to be valiant in war. And
1:14:51
it does sound smurge because I read a portion of that to start off
1:14:53
this episode. Tiritus,
1:14:56
Alchman, Lycurgus, they're the three main
1:14:58
Spartan figures that provide some historic
1:15:00
documentation on Sparta, but there's
1:15:02
a good chance that Lycurgus is not a real
1:15:04
person. It's more like two people. Most
1:15:07
of Sparta's records, as I mentioned, you know, come
1:15:09
from non-Spartans and most of them come from later,
1:15:12
after these events, well after these events happened. Between
1:15:15
the 8th and 5th centuries BC, Spartas
1:15:17
subdued the neighboring territory of Messenia and
1:15:19
enslaved its poor people. Before
1:15:22
this, the Spartans had already taken slash founded three
1:15:24
other colonies, Taurus and
1:15:26
the Aegean islands of Thera, now Santorini,
1:15:29
and Milos. After conquering these small
1:15:31
areas, they felt ready to subdue a larger city-state
1:15:33
and conquer its people. Did not
1:15:36
know that Santorini, very popular, kind of a
1:15:38
bougie tourist destination now, was once Spotten. The
1:15:41
Messenian war was a key event in Sparta's
1:15:43
transition into a militaristic society. Messenia
1:15:45
was a territory just west of Sparta. Fairly
1:15:48
powerful city-state. Archaeological evidence from the city
1:15:50
of Messen shows their last signs of
1:15:52
habitation were during the 8th century BCE,
1:15:54
verifying the war started in that 8th
1:15:56
century. Afterwards, it was deserted
1:15:58
for the next several centuries. From
1:16:01
743 to 724 B.C.,
1:16:03
Sparta and Messenia battled in the
1:16:05
first Messenian revolt. Sparta
1:16:08
marched through the mountains for several days
1:16:10
and attacked Messenia. This was the
1:16:12
first time that Greeks enslaved each other on such a massive
1:16:14
scale. It took two 20-plus
1:16:16
year wars to fully enslave the Messenians. One
1:16:19
eyewitness to the wars was Tiritus, that Spartan
1:16:21
poet and soldier. Incorporating the
1:16:23
Messenians into society was important because it gave
1:16:25
Sparta the means to maintain the nearest thing
1:16:28
to a standing army in Greece. By
1:16:30
freeing all its adult male citizens from the
1:16:33
need for manual labor. The
1:16:35
Messenians would now do that for
1:16:37
centuries. Spuckers paid a serious
1:16:39
price for losing that war with the Spartans.
1:16:43
From 735 to 715 B.C., Sparta
1:16:45
finalized their takeover of Messenia.
1:16:48
Sparta now owned a large tract of fertile
1:16:50
land. They turned the Messenians into the Helitz,
1:16:53
forcing them to become farmers and servants and
1:16:56
their slaves. They forced the Helitz
1:16:58
to give them half of any produce they grew. Helitz
1:17:01
hated the Spartans reasonably. They were constant tensions
1:17:03
between the two classes. The
1:17:05
first Messenian revolt is often cited as
1:17:07
the reason for the founding of the
1:17:09
Egoji to teach Spartan men to combat
1:17:11
and suppress future slave revolts more
1:17:14
effectively. In
1:17:16
706 B.C., Sparta founded the colony
1:17:18
of Tarentum in present day Italy. Today
1:17:21
it's the city of Toronto. In
1:17:24
700 B.C., Sparta, Argos and
1:17:26
Peros held the first documented musical
1:17:29
competitions in ancient Greece. So
1:17:31
still not only into fighting. They
1:17:33
play a little music. Playing some liars
1:17:35
or whatever they're called. Probably
1:17:37
should have looked up. Playing some Greek
1:17:39
guitars. Peros,
1:17:41
another beautiful Greek island by the way. Greece is
1:17:43
an incredibly beautiful country. It was
1:17:45
fun to look up pronunciation videos just because I
1:17:48
got to see these beaches. From
1:17:50
685 to 668 B.C.,
1:17:53
the Messenians revolted against Sparta
1:17:55
again. Took almost two decades to
1:17:57
put down the rebellion. Sparta eventually did. And
1:18:00
it became even more militaristic to make sure, you know, again,
1:18:02
that that doesn't happen anymore. Following
1:18:04
their defeat, Spartan poet, Tyridis, described
1:18:06
the messenians like asses worn out
1:18:09
with heavy burdens. Clearly,
1:18:11
they were not in the best of spirits ever getting
1:18:13
beaten twice. The sad lot
1:18:16
in life has only just begun. Also,
1:18:18
maybe, Tyridis is
1:18:20
inferring that the messenians were also
1:18:23
getting buttfucked a lot by the Spartans. I mean, maybe
1:18:25
that's the heavy burden. That was, you know,
1:18:27
wearing out their asses. I don't know. You know,
1:18:29
you're not going to hear that in any history
1:18:32
class, but maybe for the glory of Sparta. In
1:18:34
the seventh century BC, Sparta's
1:18:36
military culture was fully established by state
1:18:38
leaders from this century until their demise.
1:18:40
Spartans dedicated themselves now to war and
1:18:42
diplomacy, but multi-war. They
1:18:44
began to reject almost all arts, philosophy,
1:18:47
literature, too woke. They
1:18:49
needed to create the most powerful army in ancient Greece.
1:18:52
Before the messenian revolt, Spartans were somewhat
1:18:54
similar to other city-states. They had
1:18:56
artists and poets, men and women
1:18:58
performing labor. After the
1:19:00
revolt, Sparta transitioned into a fully militaristic
1:19:02
society. They became stricter on their soldiers,
1:19:04
punishing cowardice in battle with the loss
1:19:06
of citizenship. They greatly increased the amount
1:19:08
of boy, soldier, buttfucking to ensure stricter
1:19:11
obedience. Actually, I'm not sure about
1:19:13
the last one, but it seems possible. They
1:19:15
encouraged pair bonding among the hoplites to
1:19:17
promote loyalty. Loyalty?
1:19:19
Prosthetist Bill, largely around. But, you
1:19:22
know, I'll stop. Time for another sodomy break,
1:19:24
probably. The messenian's labor created
1:19:26
an economic surplus for the Spartans, used to
1:19:28
finance the communal mess halls and barracks that
1:19:30
will help characterize life as a male Spartan
1:19:32
citizen. I had the
1:19:34
male that was the only citizen, but it just sounds weird. I
1:19:37
don't want to be confusing and say Spartan citizen and things like
1:19:39
men and women. Spartan society becomes
1:19:41
more and more focused on strict order and discipline now.
1:19:44
Spartans feared another messenian revolt, wanted
1:19:46
to be ready for combat at all times. Enslaving
1:19:49
the messenians changed the entire structure of Spartan
1:19:51
life and allowed them to become a military
1:19:53
superpower. After the revolts, all the land and
1:19:55
artifacts from the Senia were given to Spartans
1:19:57
to combat the natural response of human greed.
1:20:00
agreed to avoid their own civil war, Spartan
1:20:02
leaders decided to transfer the values of a
1:20:04
phalanx to their society. Uniformity,
1:20:07
equality, discipline. No
1:20:09
one gets to have too much shit. They're
1:20:11
inspired by, like Kyrgyz, to create their
1:20:13
own utopia of a perfectly disciplined society. A
1:20:16
cultural revolution takes place. Sparta sets out
1:20:18
to train the best hoplite warriors in the world, and
1:20:21
they turn their Acropolis into a military training camp.
1:20:24
By around 600 B.C., Sparta controls most of
1:20:27
the Peloponnese. They started to extend
1:20:29
their control into Arcadia, in the central
1:20:31
and eastern part of the Peloponnese Peninsula.
1:20:34
Instead of only using brute force, Sparta also tried their
1:20:36
hand at diplomacy around 600 B.C. They
1:20:40
claimed they had the
1:20:42
bones of Arestes, son
1:20:44
of Agamemnon. They also claimed
1:20:46
that the Spartans were successors to the line
1:20:49
of Atreus, father of Agamemnon and
1:20:51
Achaean king. This
1:20:54
helped Sparta form an alliance with the
1:20:56
ancient Akkadian city of Tajiya, an important
1:20:59
religious center mentioned by Homer in the
1:21:01
Iliad, which led to them getting
1:21:03
a whole network of alliances that they would use to
1:21:05
form the Peloponnesian League. In
1:21:07
an alliance now, Sparta expected full military
1:21:09
reciprocity from their allies, and in exchange
1:21:11
for this, they went to various city-states
1:21:13
and deposed a number of tyrants with
1:21:16
their military might. Starting
1:21:18
from 550 to 336 B.C.E., the Peloponnesian
1:21:21
League was an alliance between Sparta, Corinth,
1:21:24
Elis, and Tajiya. This
1:21:27
established Spartan dominance over the
1:21:29
Peloponnese. Also in
1:21:31
550, King Cyrus II, aka Cyrus the
1:21:33
Great, founds the first Persian
1:21:35
Empire, the Persians, one of
1:21:38
Greece's and Sparta's greatest enemies,
1:21:41
but they would also ally with him sometimes. Within
1:21:43
this large time frame, several key events took place that
1:21:45
would shape the history of ancient Greece. In
1:21:48
545 B.C.E., Sparta took control of
1:21:50
Cyrea and its fertile farmland, best
1:21:52
in the peninsula, from Argos. In
1:21:55
525 B.C.E., Sparta and
1:21:57
Corinth made an unsuccessful attack on Poli-
1:22:02
oh boy. Policratis. Poli-
1:22:04
oh boy. Policratis. Policrates.
1:22:07
There we go. Poliqurates. Boom!
1:22:10
Fucking Poliqurates. If I have said it once, I've
1:22:12
said it a million times. Poliqurates.
1:22:15
Say it every day of Samos. Poliqurates
1:22:17
was a powerful tyrant who defended this
1:22:19
island home with a powerful navy. You know all
1:22:22
about poliqurates. I'm sure most of
1:22:24
you talk about poliqurates on the daily. In
1:22:28
506 BC, Sparta and the Peloponnesian
1:22:30
League allies invaded Attica, the
1:22:32
countryside around the powerful city-state of Athens, but
1:22:34
don't go into Athens. From
1:22:37
494 to 493 BC,
1:22:39
Spartan forces under King Cleomenes
1:22:41
I attacked the city of Argos
1:22:43
after a 50-year peace treaty between the two powers
1:22:46
ended. A Spartan oracle
1:22:48
had proclaimed that the Spartans would
1:22:50
capture Argos. One
1:22:52
of the most important Spartan kings, Cleomenes, was
1:22:54
instrumental in organizing the Greek resistance against the
1:22:57
Persian Empire. That's going around the time. However,
1:22:59
despite slaughtering 6,000 archived hoplites
1:23:01
in a battle outside the city,
1:23:04
Argos, Cleomenes, does not take Argos.
1:23:07
And when he gets home, he's actually put on trial by
1:23:09
the Gerosia. A truce of
1:23:11
bribery, right? That's why he didn't conquer the city. He was
1:23:13
bribed. But he was acquitted. Cleomenes
1:23:16
said that since he did capture
1:23:18
a sacred grove of trees outside
1:23:20
of Argos that is also called
1:23:22
Argos, the oracle's prophecy
1:23:24
had been fulfilled because the grove
1:23:26
in the city had the same name. I love
1:23:29
it. I love that a battle was
1:23:31
fought because of some ancient con artist, Oracle,
1:23:33
had a fucking prophecy and loved
1:23:35
that this guy found a loophole to fulfill it. Guys,
1:23:38
I totally did it. 100%. Did
1:23:40
I capture Argos? Yeah. I thought you were
1:23:42
talking about the trees. Hold on.
1:23:44
I wish you would have said city. I wish you would have been more
1:23:47
specific, but you weren't. From
1:23:49
492 to 449 BC, Sparta and
1:23:51
most of Greece fight in the Greco-Persian Wars.
1:23:54
Sparta initially did not want to be involved in this massive
1:23:56
war, but when the Persians threatened their
1:23:58
allies in Ionia, they fell off. they had to get
1:24:00
involved. The Greeks there had sent
1:24:02
an emissary to Sparta to beg for help.
1:24:04
The initially refused, but did send
1:24:06
a warning to Persian King Cyrus to leave Greece
1:24:09
alone or else. Persians,
1:24:11
of course, did not listen. King Darius
1:24:13
I invades parts to Greece, 492 BC, the
1:24:16
Athenian forces pushing back at the Battle of Marathon,
1:24:18
490 BC. Greek
1:24:21
force of roughly 10,000 Athenian
1:24:23
hoplites smashingly defeats roughly 25,000
1:24:25
Persians without Spartan support. They're
1:24:27
pretty formidable too. And
1:24:30
they didn't even have to fucking take kids from the age
1:24:32
of seven and, you know, torch them
1:24:34
until they're an adult to win that battle. Darius
1:24:37
died in a later battle in 486 BC and
1:24:39
his son Xerxes, the first, continued the war. Allegedly,
1:24:42
the Spartans consulted an oracle to
1:24:44
decide if they now should join the war or
1:24:47
not. The oracle was a woman
1:24:49
possessed by the priest at Delphi. The
1:24:51
oracle dressed in virgin's clothes, very
1:24:53
likely took hallucinogens, and relayed
1:24:56
her predictions to whoever requested the message.
1:24:58
The messages were almost always ambiguous because
1:25:00
this is fucking insane. It's
1:25:03
probably generous. But the oracle of Delphi foretold
1:25:06
that either Sparta would be destroyed
1:25:08
by the Persians or
1:25:11
one of its kings must die.
1:25:14
Excepting his fate, Sparta officially joins the war.
1:25:17
Both kings probably kind of nervous now. Uh,
1:25:20
490 BC, Leonidas becomes one of the
1:25:22
Sparta's two kings after Cleomini the first
1:25:24
dies. And yes, that
1:25:27
Leonidas, played by Gerard
1:25:29
Butler in 300, this is where
1:25:31
we hold them. This is
1:25:33
where we fight. This is
1:25:35
where they die. He makes
1:25:37
history become a legendary Spartan hero. 480
1:25:41
BC, big year in Spartans history. Uh,
1:25:44
the Greco-Persian war is ongoing. Xerxes invades Greece
1:25:46
again in 480 BC this
1:25:49
year. The Persians crossed Helispont and
1:25:51
narrow straight between the Aegean and Black Seas and
1:25:54
move south. The Spartan army
1:25:56
led by King Leonidas forms an anti-Persian
1:25:58
coalition between Sparta and Athens. working
1:26:00
with their enemy. This coalition would
1:26:02
fight the Thermopylae, a key battle in the
1:26:04
Greco-Persian War immortalized and history revisited in 300.
1:26:06
The Battle of Thermopylae,
1:26:10
I say Thermopylae, earlier Thermopylae, was
1:26:13
led by King Leonidas and other Greek
1:26:15
allies, greatly outnumbered. They held back
1:26:17
the Persians, led by Xerxes, for three days. And
1:26:20
a small force of Spartan soldiers really did stay
1:26:23
behind to fight to the death against the
1:26:25
Persian army, the much, much, much larger Persian
1:26:27
army. And that made Sparta
1:26:29
legendary for their prowess, tenacity, gave
1:26:31
them the status of having the best army in all of Greece. Thermopylae
1:26:35
contained a narrow passage, and
1:26:37
Leonidas and his men blocked that passage to stop
1:26:39
Xerxes' advance. Leonidas started
1:26:42
the battle with just a few thousand soldiers, roughly
1:26:44
900 helots, 400
1:26:46
Thebans, 700 Cespians and other
1:26:48
Greeks, and just 300 Spartans.
1:26:51
Persian army, again much, much bigger. Xerxes
1:26:54
waited to see if the Greeks would surrender, but
1:26:56
they would not, so he planned his attack. Herodotus,
1:26:59
Greek historian of the time, wrote, the
1:27:01
Persians rushed forward and charged the Greeks,
1:27:04
but fell in vast numbers. Others, however,
1:27:06
took the places of the slain and would not
1:27:08
be beaten off, though they suffered terrible
1:27:10
losses. In this way it became
1:27:12
clear to all, and especially to the king, that though
1:27:15
he had plenty of combatants, he had
1:27:17
but very few warriors. The struggle,
1:27:19
however, continued during the whole day. Xerxes,
1:27:22
after losing a lot of people, initially
1:27:24
withdrew his forces, he next
1:27:26
sent in a unit he really did call, just like 300,
1:27:28
the Immortals. Ten
1:27:31
thousand elite infantrymen sent
1:27:33
them after the Greeks. Right
1:27:36
from the movie, that's that scene, they
1:27:38
are the hunters of men's souls. They
1:27:40
cannot be killed or defeated, not these
1:27:42
Immortals. That's when Leonidas
1:27:45
said, Immortals will put
1:27:47
their name to the test. And
1:27:49
the Greeks, led by Leonidas and his men, the 300, fucking
1:27:51
butchered them. If Herodotus is
1:27:53
to be believed, the Spartans and a couple thousand
1:27:55
Greeks fighting with them, but really just 300 at
1:27:58
the end, would kill approximately 20... 60,000
1:28:00
Persians. Herodotus
1:28:02
wrote the Lacedaemonians,
1:28:06
which is another way of saying the Spartans,
1:28:08
much harder way, fought in a way
1:28:11
worthy of note, and showed themselves far more
1:28:13
skillful in fight than their adversaries, often turning
1:28:15
their backs and making as though they were
1:28:17
all flying away, on which the
1:28:19
barbarians would rush after them with much noise and shouting, when
1:28:22
the Spartans at their approach would wheel round
1:28:24
and face their pursuers, in this way destroying
1:28:27
vast numbers of the enemy. So
1:28:30
disciplined, so fearless. What
1:28:32
ended the battle was when a Greek
1:28:35
traitor showed Xerxes a different path through
1:28:37
Thermopylae. That really sucks. That
1:28:39
if some fucking traitor wouldn't have shown him a different way,
1:28:41
those 300 might have actually held off the entire Persian force.
1:28:45
Later that day, the Persians outmaneuvered the Greeks, attacked them
1:28:47
from both sides. They didn't have the numbers to handle
1:28:49
that. The Greeks outnumbered at least 40 to 1. Herodotus
1:28:51
claimed the Persian army was 1.5 million men. He
1:28:55
greatly exaggerated numbers a lot. Historians
1:28:57
estimate closer to 300. Many
1:29:00
of Leonidas' troops withdrew, and so
1:29:02
did many of the Greeks that had been fighting with
1:29:04
him, but 300 Spartans did stay behind to fight, knowing
1:29:06
it was likely to the death. Leonidas,
1:29:09
one of those 300, the king
1:29:12
and his men made a final stand,
1:29:14
and it was written, fell
1:29:16
fighting bravely, together with many other
1:29:18
famous Spartans. The Persians
1:29:20
killed all the Spartans and the Hellas they brought
1:29:22
along, then they moved south and sacked Athens, almost
1:29:25
breaking into the Peloponnese. Why
1:29:27
did Leonidas stay and fight, almost certainly knowing he
1:29:29
would die? For one thing, that was the
1:29:31
Spartan way. Death before surrender.
1:29:34
Come back with your shield or on
1:29:36
it. Also, the Oracle
1:29:38
of Delphi said Sparta would be destroyed
1:29:40
by the Persians, or one of
1:29:42
its kings must die. Perhaps
1:29:45
he believed that by sacrificing himself, he
1:29:47
was saving his people. For the
1:29:49
glory of Sparta. That
1:29:52
is incredibly badass, and I would say that that battle
1:29:54
is what most people think of when they think of
1:29:56
Spartans. This was a devastating
1:29:58
defeat, but the basic of a
1:30:00
legendary tale of bravery that inspires
1:30:02
militaries, books, movies, many individuals to
1:30:04
this day. Also
1:30:07
when emissaries were sent by Xerxes to Sparta to
1:30:09
ask them to submit, right before this all happened,
1:30:11
they really did toss those fuckers into a well.
1:30:13
So it was pretty similar to the scene of
1:30:15
the guy getting kicked into the well. The
1:30:18
Greeks then fought in the battle of Salamis. Athenians
1:30:21
and more Spartans working together to defeat the Persians.
1:30:24
Salamis was important because it did stop the Persian
1:30:26
advance. The Persians lost 200 to 300 ships in
1:30:28
this battle and an
1:30:30
unknown amount of men compared to the Greeks losing 40 ships.
1:30:34
Xerxes went home but left his
1:30:36
army behind. 479 BCE
1:30:39
Xerxes forces are defeated by the Greeks
1:30:41
at the battle of Plataeanau. This
1:30:43
ended Persian imperial ambitions in Greece.
1:30:46
This was a big Greek and Spartan victory. Sparta
1:30:49
heavily involved in the fighting. If
1:30:51
again Herodotus is to be believed, probably not but it sounds
1:30:53
cool, Greeks slaughtered 257 000
1:30:57
Persian forces and
1:30:59
lost, if you can believe him, 159 men. I'm guessing
1:31:04
his math was a wee bit off but
1:31:07
the Greeks did win decisively, it is believed.
1:31:10
And no city state sent more hoplites into
1:31:12
this battle than Sparta. They sent in 10
1:31:14
000 elite warriors. 478
1:31:18
BCE Sparta withdrew from the Greek alliance
1:31:20
against Persia. No more fighting alongside Athens
1:31:22
for now you fuckers. Probably gonna fight
1:31:26
you soon. 464 massive earthquake brings destruction
1:31:28
and chaos to Sparta and
1:31:30
the Messenians use that as an opportunity to
1:31:32
start another revolt and will be punished mightily.
1:31:35
This revolt was suppressed savagely. Untold
1:31:37
number of Messenians are butchered. From
1:31:41
460 to 446 BC Athens,
1:31:43
Sparta, their allies fight each other
1:31:46
in the first Peloponnesian war. Although
1:31:48
they were allied to fight the Persians, you know not that long
1:31:50
ago, now they're back to fighting each other. Peloponnesian
1:31:52
war made Sparta powerful also signaled the
1:31:54
end of the golden age of Greece
1:31:56
when Athens was the most powerful city
1:31:58
state. The war was caused by
1:32:01
the formation of the Athenian League. In
1:32:03
478, the Athenian League united the city-states under
1:32:05
Athens to guard against the Persians, and
1:32:07
now also to guard against the Greek-Peloponnesian League.
1:32:10
The two forces opposed each other and fought for
1:32:12
territory and power. In
1:32:15
457 BC, Sparta won the Battle of
1:32:17
Tanagra against Athens. 445
1:32:20
BC, the first Peloponnesian war between Sparta and Athens ends
1:32:22
with a 30-year treaty. Two
1:32:24
sides agreed to stop fighting for 30 years,
1:32:26
but the peace won't last that long. The
1:32:29
battle will last until 437. Then
1:32:32
in 444 BC, future Spartan king, Jesalaeus
1:32:35
II is born. He'll reign
1:32:37
over Sparta from 399 to 369
1:32:39
and command Sparta through their period
1:32:41
of Spartan supremacy from
1:32:44
404 to 371 BCE. 437
1:32:49
BC, tensions rise again between the
1:32:51
Athenian and Peloponnesian leagues. The
1:32:54
war in the city-state of Epidamos
1:32:56
led to
1:32:58
Corinth becoming involved. Sparta
1:33:00
as their ally was brought into the fight. Corinth's
1:33:03
enemy, Corcyra, today the Greek
1:33:05
island of Corfu, targeted
1:33:07
Epidamos and seized it in a sea
1:33:09
battle. 433
1:33:12
BC, tensions rise higher. Corcyra
1:33:15
asked for Athens' support and said that a
1:33:17
conflict with Sparta was inevitable. Corinth
1:33:20
fought Athens at the Battle of Cyvota. Sparta
1:33:22
didn't want to enter the war, but Corinth convinced them. Sparta
1:33:25
sent over three delegations to negotiate a new
1:33:27
treaty, but Athens rejected. Quite
1:33:30
the balls to reject these fuckers. 432
1:33:33
BC, Sparta declared that Athens broke the 30-year
1:33:35
peace treaty and began preparing for more war.
1:33:37
So many wars. One
1:33:40
source I came across said that the Spartans loved
1:33:42
to be fighting war. Like they loved it more than when
1:33:44
they were at peace, partially because
1:33:46
their grueling training regiments were relaxed
1:33:49
during times of battle. And
1:33:51
it was actually less brutal to
1:33:54
fight in a war than it was for them
1:33:56
to train for fighting in a war. Which
1:33:59
is insane. From 431
1:34:01
to 404 BC Athens Sparta, their allies, fight
1:34:03
in the Second Peloponnesian War. This
1:34:05
war was between the Athenian League and the Peloponnesian
1:34:07
League. Almost every city-state in Greece
1:34:10
was involved. Thebes, the key players, sided
1:34:12
with Sparta against Athens. First
1:34:14
ten years of the war are
1:34:17
sometimes called the Architomian War. Named
1:34:20
after the Spartan king, Architomus I,
1:34:23
Sparta spread a propaganda slogan on this
1:34:25
time, freedom for the Greeks. They
1:34:28
claimed they wanted to liberate all of Greece from
1:34:30
Athens, but they really wanted to seize power
1:34:32
for themselves. 430
1:34:35
BC Sparta seized Athens city walls.
1:34:37
At the same time, a plague killed many
1:34:40
Athenians inside the walls, including their leader Pericles.
1:34:43
Exact identity of the disease, uncertain typhoid
1:34:46
fever, seemed to be the lead suspects. 429
1:34:50
BC Peloponnesian forces led by Sparta began
1:34:53
the siege of Plataea. After
1:34:55
the attacks from Sparta, Athens fortified their port
1:34:57
of Piraeus to reduce the width of harbor
1:35:00
entrances. 427,
1:35:03
Plataea falls to Sparta after a two-year siege.
1:35:06
Spartan king, a Gis, the second,
1:35:08
ascends to the throne. 425,
1:35:11
Sparta suffers a devastating loss against
1:35:13
Athens at the Battle of Spectaria.
1:35:17
It's a fun word.
1:35:20
This battle was important because 120 Spartans surrendered
1:35:22
after being stranded on the island of Spectaria,
1:35:26
something unheard of in Spartan history. Thucydides
1:35:29
wrote, nothing that happened in the war
1:35:31
surprised the Hellenese so much as this.
1:35:34
It was the opinion that no force or
1:35:36
famine could make the Lacedimone, which
1:35:38
is the Spartans, give
1:35:45
up their arms, but that they would fight
1:35:47
on as they could and die with them in their hands.
1:35:50
So this is a huge morale boost for the
1:35:52
Athenians. For the next
1:35:54
18 years, a lot of little battles are fought back
1:35:56
and forth between the Athenians, the Spartans, then in 407,
1:35:58
B-C-I-V-E. another big
1:36:00
dick spartan, recently promoted, will break the
1:36:03
backs of the Athenians and re-establish spartan
1:36:05
dominance. 407
1:36:07
BC, Lysander defeats the Athenian fleet
1:36:09
at Natium. This
1:36:11
victory won the war for Sparta, which was surprising to all because
1:36:14
it was a sea battle. Sparta
1:36:16
had never been a Greek naval powerhouse like
1:36:18
Athens long was. The Athenians had
1:36:20
the naval advantage, but Lysander was recently promoted to
1:36:22
commander of Sparta's navy, and he convinced the Persian
1:36:24
Prince Cyrus to give him money to build up
1:36:26
his fleet. Weird fact
1:36:28
about Lysander is he was actually
1:36:30
half helot, but he
1:36:32
qualified for the Egoge and proved
1:36:35
himself to be one of the most cunning trainees. Lysander
1:36:38
befriended Persian King Cyrus and convinced him to give
1:36:40
money to Sparta. Spartan's fleet salary increased
1:36:43
25% by 25% overnight. All
1:36:46
the mercenaries and freelance oarsmen working in Athens
1:36:48
got word of the higher pay that the
1:36:50
Spartans were now dishing out and switched sides.
1:36:54
Pretty smart little move there. Lysander
1:36:56
started building up the navy, fought
1:36:58
with the Athenian navy in a
1:37:00
sea battle at Egoes Potomai. He
1:37:02
refused to engage directly and surprise
1:37:04
them and cut off their grain
1:37:06
supply from the Crimea, from Port
1:37:08
Piraeus in Athens. Sparta
1:37:11
now had the power and Athens had to concede to
1:37:13
their terms. 404
1:37:15
BC, the Second Peloponnesian War, finally
1:37:17
comes to an end. Sparta was,
1:37:19
once again, the most powerful city-state
1:37:21
in all of Greece, for the
1:37:23
glory of Sparta! Commence celebratory butt-fucking!
1:37:27
Lysander's terms of defeat for Athens were tear
1:37:29
down the city walls, confine their
1:37:32
activities to Attica, the land around
1:37:34
Athens, and submit to the rule of
1:37:36
the Thirty Tyrants, and that ended
1:37:38
democracy in Athens for some time. The
1:37:41
4th century BC, Athens, born military leader
1:37:43
and historian Xenophon, wrote, The
1:37:46
Peloponnesians with great enthusiasm began to tear down
1:37:48
the walls to the music of flute girls,
1:37:51
thinking that today was the beginning of freedom from Greece. I
1:37:55
like flute girls, by the way, it's hyphenated, that means translation, but
1:37:57
I like just to think that there's a class of people just
1:37:59
known in Greece. Flute Girls. Well,
1:38:01
who is that? That's a Flute Girl. Oh, so
1:38:03
that's a girl. It's yeah, technically, it's a girl, but
1:38:05
really, it's a Flute Girl. All she does is Flute.
1:38:08
Just Flute and Girl, they're just the same
1:38:10
package. You can't remove one without really destroying
1:38:13
the other. Sparta's
1:38:15
collaborators took over the city and settled some
1:38:17
scores with old enemies. So a lot
1:38:20
of Athenian nobles died. Lysander
1:38:22
was so proud of himself, he created a monument of
1:38:24
himself, being crowned by
1:38:26
Poseidon. And that flashy
1:38:28
display not looked upon as
1:38:30
a good thing back in Sparta marked
1:38:33
a decline in Lysander's public reputation. It's
1:38:35
like, easy, buddy. We're
1:38:37
fucking fierce, but we're humble in
1:38:40
showy ways. Many historians consider the
1:38:43
Peloponnesian War as the most significant event in ancient
1:38:45
Greek history. They
1:38:47
involved almost all of Greece, shifted the balance
1:38:49
of power from the Athenian League to the
1:38:51
Peloponnesian League, most of it recorded
1:38:53
by Thucydides. His historical accounts considered one of
1:38:55
the finest works of ancient history. 400 BC
1:38:59
now Sparta, on top of its game, experiences
1:39:02
some political turmoil. More Oracle
1:39:05
bullshit. And Oracle now
1:39:07
predicts a greater power struggle and references a
1:39:09
crippled kingship. King of GIs
1:39:11
was dead, and there were two candidates competing
1:39:13
for the throne, half brothers, Leo
1:39:16
Tychidus and Agisoleus.
1:39:19
We met Leo Tychidus
1:39:21
was a GIs son and meant to take
1:39:23
the throne by birthright. Agisoleus was born, quote,
1:39:25
lame, but was not murdered as a baby
1:39:27
because he was of royal blood. At
1:39:30
the age of seven, Agisoleus qualified for
1:39:32
the Egoji, despite his disability thrived
1:39:34
in school. When GIs died, Agisoleus
1:39:36
now wants the throne, but no other Spartan supports
1:39:38
them because that Oracle is referenced to a crippled
1:39:41
kingship. Maybe not being a good thing. They thought
1:39:43
the Oracle was referring to him. But
1:39:45
Lysander sweeps in, reminds the Spartans that
1:39:47
Elsa Biodes,
1:39:50
an Athenian politician in general, had
1:39:52
an affair with King Agisoleus' wife.
1:39:55
Leo Tychidus therefore was not a
1:39:57
legitimate king. Support now
1:39:59
shift from Leo Tychidus. Leo Takedis to
1:40:01
Aigestelaius, and he's crowned king,
1:40:03
and he is King Aigestelaius II. The
1:40:07
next 30 years will be known as the Years
1:40:09
of Aigestelaius. Glad I get
1:40:11
to say that word so many times. From 396 to 387
1:40:14
BC, all of Greece was involved in
1:40:16
yet another war, the Corinthian War. This
1:40:19
war restored democracy in Athens and renewed hostile
1:40:21
feelings towards Sparta. Much of it
1:40:24
took place in Corinthian territory, hence the name. War
1:40:27
was fought by Sparta versus the Coalition of
1:40:29
Athens assisted by Persia. Sparta
1:40:31
was angry in the Greek city-states because they were now
1:40:33
trying to expand their territory. To this end,
1:40:35
they were trying to take Syracuse, a colony of Corinth.
1:40:39
Thieves was particularly at risk of being overtaken by Sparta, so
1:40:41
they were extra ready to join a movement to kick the
1:40:43
shit out of them. By
1:40:45
396 BC, everyone was looking for a fight, and
1:40:48
Sparta was not quite as ready for it as they
1:40:50
had been in years past. All
1:40:53
the years of journeys into other city-states showed
1:40:55
Spartan soldiers how other soldiers lived, often
1:40:57
a life of riches, pleasure,
1:41:00
not being beaten and butt-fucked a whole bunch, and now
1:41:02
there was a bit of grumbling amongst the ranks. What?
1:41:05
Wait a minute. Some people eat
1:41:07
good food? Not everyone kills a whole bunch of their babies? My
1:41:09
whole life isn't wasted. Aigestelaius,
1:41:11
led by example, lived a simple Spartan lifestyle
1:41:13
but not enough to inspire his men. Lysander
1:41:17
had earned more respect than Aigestelaius for his
1:41:19
military victories, and now these two start experiencing
1:41:21
some tension. Lysander
1:41:23
makes a recommendation. Aigestelaius
1:41:25
will do the opposite. If he wants to
1:41:27
publicly shame Lysander, end his influence. Over
1:41:30
time, he makes it so no one wants to be associated with
1:41:32
Lysander, and their relationship will come
1:41:34
to a turbulent end over dinner one evening years later.
1:41:37
Lysander will leave Sparta, visit an oracle,
1:41:39
so many oracle visits, and
1:41:41
make plans to spread word of a false
1:41:43
prophecy to uproot Aigestelaius' power and create chaos
1:41:45
amongst the ranks, but then dies in a
1:41:48
battle before his plot can take place. His
1:41:51
final paper is detailed in an elected kingship
1:41:53
system that would change Sparta's political world. Excuse
1:41:56
me, when Aigestelaius found out about the plot, he was going to
1:41:58
read the speech to Mach. Lysander like read it to
1:42:01
the people but then an elder warned him.
1:42:03
Maybe she buried it. Maybe she'd never let anyone see
1:42:05
it He thought the speech
1:42:07
was against him was actually too persuasive That
1:42:10
would have been pretty funny if he would have
1:42:12
read Lysander speech like to mock it and
1:42:14
it just colossally backfires And he gets to post
1:42:17
you know just this this idiot He's
1:42:20
gonna change things so that uh He didn't change
1:42:22
so many things like for one thing your sons
1:42:24
would now get to stay at home and
1:42:27
be raised by you Until the age 18 and
1:42:29
then then maybe trained to become a soldier But
1:42:31
you know maybe not even give up after beating
1:42:33
and you know be giving shoes and blankets and
1:42:35
stuff you imagine Or maybe not even become a
1:42:38
soldier and instead be a merchant or artist or
1:42:40
you know go travel and explore more of the
1:42:42
world And stuff and just try to find his
1:42:44
own you know personal happiness Actually
1:42:49
that sounds much better than what we have no
1:42:52
no yeah, okay Yeah, but he's also like gonna
1:42:54
get rid of the kingship the way
1:42:56
we do any was gonna stop killing babies And
1:42:58
you know and maybe even eventually like lead to a democracy where
1:43:00
you guys all get to say hey Imagine
1:43:04
yes, yes, we can this actually sounds much better This
1:43:07
is much better than our shitty lives Anyway
1:43:10
backing up before Lysander died I don't
1:43:12
know why that guy became British at the end during
1:43:14
the Corinthian war Sparta won two land
1:43:16
battles against Athens and their allies however They suffered
1:43:18
a devastating defeat at sea by an Athenian and
1:43:20
Persian fleet Sparta didn't win
1:43:22
the war but only when the Persians were convinced to
1:43:25
switch sides And now they had to
1:43:27
help them back later now. They're in the Persians
1:43:29
debt King of Jesalayas the
1:43:31
second now involves Sparta in Persian civil wars
1:43:33
in Asia Minor right part of the dealings
1:43:35
with the Persians Then returns
1:43:37
from Asia fights and two battles of the Corinthian
1:43:40
War 396
1:43:42
BC King of Jesalayas the second campaigns
1:43:44
in Ionia the 390s marked
1:43:46
an expansion period for Sparta. They're doing great They
1:43:49
conducted many campaigns in Greece and Asia Jesalayas
1:43:51
persuaded the gurusia to grant him power of
1:43:54
supreme command in Asia He
1:43:56
became just a second Spartan commander to go that far
1:43:58
east and in 395 the first king
1:44:00
to be in charge of both the army and the navy. In
1:44:03
395 BC, Lysander is killed by Theban
1:44:05
forces in battle, though, big military loss
1:44:08
for Sparta. In
1:44:10
392 BC, King Jesalaeus offers
1:44:13
peace terms at a conference, but
1:44:15
Artaxerxes, the first of Persia, and
1:44:18
the other city-states decided to continue fighting to
1:44:20
keep their land gains. 387
1:44:23
BC, Sparta attacks the port of Piraeus again. The
1:44:26
Spartans under Antelsydus
1:44:29
blocked the Hellespont with the help of
1:44:31
Persia and Dionysius of Syracuse, and
1:44:34
they starved Athens into submission. That's
1:44:36
a tough, tough way to go. 386
1:44:40
BC, Sparta, Athens, Persia all signed the peace
1:44:42
of Antelsydus, or the king's
1:44:44
peace, specified that Asia was
1:44:46
to belong to the king of Persia and
1:44:48
the Greek cities, including the islands, could be
1:44:50
autonomous. Sparta is recognized as
1:44:52
a champion of peace for one
1:44:55
time only, still on top for
1:44:57
the glory of Sparta. Antelsydus,
1:44:59
a Spartan diplomat, soldier, and relative of
1:45:01
King Jesalaeus continued his success by leading
1:45:03
Sparta in the 382 occupation of
1:45:06
the Seaben Citadel of Cadmium. But
1:45:09
then a big blow to Sparta internally followed, a big plot to
1:45:11
overthrow the government. Plot failed, but
1:45:13
the thought that a lot of people
1:45:15
were against Sparta's government was concerning. Sparta's
1:45:18
old ways, starting to hurt him now. Fewer
1:45:20
and fewer men could meet the rigorous Spartan
1:45:22
standards anymore or wanted to, and
1:45:25
the population of true Spartans loyal to
1:45:27
the state was now less than 1,000
1:45:30
men, the rest allies or
1:45:32
slaves. The state was now
1:45:34
reluctant to force all of their male citizens into battle.
1:45:36
They had so few, maybe,
1:45:40
should've killed quite so many babies. You
1:45:42
know, it's like that old saying, you killed too many of your
1:45:44
babies, someday you'll
1:45:47
have less adults. You all heard that one, right? Spartans
1:45:50
now started forcing helots to serve in the army and
1:45:52
they wanted the promise of freedom from their enslavement if they survived in
1:45:54
battle, but these soldiers were not
1:45:56
fully committed to the state. For some weird reason,
1:45:59
they. didn't really seem to give
1:46:01
a shit about the glory of Sparta and
1:46:03
were less motivated to fight in battle for
1:46:05
rulers who have been brutally enslaving them for
1:46:07
centuries. Who'd guess? Glory
1:46:10
days of Sparta coming to an end. A
1:46:13
major step towards Spartan demise occurs when between 377 and 355
1:46:15
BC, the Cycladic city-states,
1:46:20
a group of various small Greek island
1:46:22
city-states, join Athens in the Second Athenian
1:46:24
League against Sparta. This
1:46:27
league primarily navy-based to better challenge Sparta.
1:46:30
And in 375 BC, Thebes defeat Sparta
1:46:32
at the Battle of Taguira. Then
1:46:35
on July 6, 371 BC, Sparta
1:46:37
defeated by Thebes again. Fuck it, Thebes! As
1:46:40
a battle of Leuctra. And this is a big-ass
1:46:42
whooping. Thebes in general, Epaminandes.
1:46:47
El- oh, Epaminandes. Oh, Epaminandes.
1:46:49
Easy part of him. Let
1:46:52
it invade into Spartan territory and freed tens
1:46:54
of thousands of Messinian helots. Uh-oh.
1:46:57
Epaminandes. This guy's one too many syllables with
1:47:00
his name. Epaminandes,
1:47:03
the Thebes and statesman and military leader,
1:47:05
will end Spartans dominance forever. Or
1:47:08
Spartas. And alters the balance of power among
1:47:10
city-states. The Spartan laws
1:47:12
at Leuctra was really the fault
1:47:14
of Spartan king, Agesileus, who
1:47:16
promoted hostility between Sparta and Thebes. Their
1:47:19
ally in the Peloponnesian War. Thebes
1:47:21
started to view Spartans as, quote, angry tyrants.
1:47:23
You fucking angry tyrants. Leuctra
1:47:25
the Spartans put their cavalry in
1:47:28
front of their phalanx. That was a big mistake. Spartan
1:47:31
cavalry, not as skilled and advanced as other
1:47:33
city-states because almost every Spartan fought as a
1:47:35
hoplite. Had not updated their training
1:47:37
enough. Not evolving. Thebes, however,
1:47:39
traditionally very good with
1:47:42
horses. Had the best horses in Greece. And
1:47:44
they were able to cut down Sparta's cavalry and
1:47:47
then attack the phalanx from a superior position. Spartan
1:47:50
king Cleumbrotus, the first, was fighting
1:47:52
in the phalanx as was tradition for Spartan
1:47:54
kings and struck down and carried out of
1:47:56
battle by soldiers. Then other
1:47:58
military commanders killed. after him. Allegedly,
1:48:01
Ol' Epa, Ol' Epa Medandes,
1:48:04
saw this and yelled, I wish I had a
1:48:06
better name! No, he yelled, grant me one step
1:48:09
and we will have the victory. And then
1:48:11
he got his one step. He and his men
1:48:13
pushed the Spartans back without their leaders to
1:48:15
command them. Some Spartans fled. Wasn't like the
1:48:17
good old days anymore, right? These aren't the
1:48:20
same old Spartans. They're not as committed. They're
1:48:22
not getting butt-fucked anymore. And they've gotten soft.
1:48:25
Up to 4,000 Spartans died that day. And
1:48:28
thieves may have lost as little as 50 men. Thieves
1:48:31
immediately marched south to garner support from
1:48:33
surrounding communities. They continued their march to
1:48:35
deliver the biggest blow possible to Sparta,
1:48:37
freeing more and more misenians, taking
1:48:39
away the majority of Sparta's labor force. Ol'
1:48:43
Epa, Epa Medandes then invaded Sparta with 30 to
1:48:45
40,000 men, burned buildings
1:48:47
and crops along the way to announce his presence
1:48:49
and make life harder. He marched
1:48:51
through the Erotus Valley to the Spartan
1:48:54
port city of Gythium, went back through
1:48:56
Sparta before marching again into Messenia, the
1:48:59
helots and the periessi were
1:49:02
revolting in mass now. Ol'
1:49:04
Epa Medandes empowered the helots to continue
1:49:06
the revolt and come with him to
1:49:08
take back Messenia. Sparta now
1:49:10
forced the ally with old enemy Athens to
1:49:12
save itself, which showed their desperation and lack
1:49:14
of power. Thieves worked in
1:49:17
Messenia from 370 to 369 to free more misenians, re-established
1:49:19
their city-state.
1:49:22
Sparta will never fully recover from the massive loss
1:49:24
of soldiers and slave labor. A
1:49:26
restored Messenia now became the outward and
1:49:29
very visible sign of Sparta's humiliation. They
1:49:31
lost control of their slaves. They can't just murder
1:49:33
them, willy-nilly anymore, can't get them drunk and mock
1:49:35
them and beat them, can't send
1:49:38
young murder squads out to hunt for
1:49:40
them for sport. Sparta is unrecognizable. Sparta
1:49:43
ceased to exist as a feared city-state and
1:49:45
now just limped along as a second-rate power
1:49:47
for a few final centuries. From
1:49:50
371 to 271 BC, Sparta goes into a
1:49:53
period of significant decline. For the first
1:49:55
time in history, Sparta begins constructing
1:49:57
city walls. They no longer have their
1:49:59
way of life. wall of men. During
1:50:01
this century of decline, Spartan king, GIs
1:50:04
the fourth, and Cleomenes the
1:50:06
third attempted to increase Sparta's power. They
1:50:08
canceled debts, redistributed land, allowed foreigners
1:50:11
and non-citizens to become Spartans, right,
1:50:13
increased the citizen population to about 4,000.
1:50:16
I picture them just, you know, like going to other cities
1:50:18
with little like signs, like, come talk to me about Sparta!
1:50:20
They're just desperate. Ultimately, Cleomenes the
1:50:23
third was forced to yield to the
1:50:25
Achaean League, though, and then the Achaeans
1:50:27
would fall to Rome. 366 BC, most
1:50:29
of Sparta's Peloponnesian League allies
1:50:31
have defected. 362, Sparta fought
1:50:33
against, Sparta fought against Thebes
1:50:36
and Athens at the battle of Matinea.
1:50:42
Oh, Epa was fucking killed, thank God. Tired
1:50:45
of saying his crazy ass name. Epaminondes, rest in
1:50:47
peace. 360 BC,
1:50:50
king of Jesalaeus the second dies,
1:50:52
and Architimus the third ascends to the throne. 331
1:50:54
BC, Sparta still suffering from
1:50:57
the major defeat at Leuctra,
1:51:00
but they're still powerful enough at this point
1:51:02
not to be taken over by Alexander the Great, which
1:51:04
says a lot about how powerful they were earlier. Then
1:51:07
in the wars of Alexander's successors, Greece was embroiled
1:51:09
in a conflict for over 20 years. Sparta
1:51:11
would be actually a key player in the war, operating
1:51:13
largely as hired mercenaries. They took part in the Athenian
1:51:16
revolt against Macedon in 323 and 322. 315, Sparta sees
1:51:18
control back of Messenia when Cassandra
1:51:24
of Macedon intervened in the Peloponnese,
1:51:27
but then they soon lost their old slave territory
1:51:29
again. In 300 BC,
1:51:31
king Architimus the fourth draws
1:51:33
Sparta directly into the wars
1:51:36
of the successors, before this
1:51:38
again, Spartans acting as mercenaries.
1:51:40
294, Demetrius, Polyercytus,
1:51:42
son of Cassandra, Macedonian king, invades the
1:51:44
Peloponnese to use it as a resource
1:51:46
to try and conquer Macedon. Spartan
1:51:49
king Architimus the fourth meets
1:51:52
him in battle and loses. 700 Spartans
1:51:54
die, including Architimus. 281
1:51:57
BC, king Arius rules the throne. Sparta
1:52:00
and he is considered one of Sparta's last true
1:52:02
kings. In an attempt to
1:52:04
adapt the times, he transforms Sparta further
1:52:06
away from the singularly focused militaristic heights.
1:52:09
For the first time in centuries, under his
1:52:11
rule, prominent artists are again found in Sparta,
1:52:14
likely attracted by the sponsorship of
1:52:17
Arius, paying them, who probably built
1:52:19
the first cedar in the city as well. Arius,
1:52:22
also known as the king who first minted
1:52:24
coins in Sparta, no more clunky iron discs
1:52:26
and bars. King Arius will
1:52:28
fight in numerous battles, he'll win some, lose
1:52:31
others, and then die in battle in 265 BCE
1:52:33
and Sparta will fall farther.
1:52:37
Jumping to 207 now, the Spartans defeated
1:52:39
at Matinea. 4000 Spartans are killed, and
1:52:44
Nabus, the last independent Spartan king,
1:52:46
assumes power. And he
1:52:48
is described in various ancient sources
1:52:50
as being a huge douchebag. Not
1:52:53
their exact words, but not revered.
1:52:56
He was a tyrant, not a good one. He
1:52:58
dissolved the Gerusia and the Ephors. He
1:53:01
ruled alone. No second king, there
1:53:03
was no balance to his power. Nabus
1:53:06
tortured, exiled his Spartan opponents, forced their wives to
1:53:08
marry Helitz, many of whom he had freed, so
1:53:10
he could have more people be loyal to him.
1:53:13
He was not Spartan in any recognizable way. He
1:53:15
did not fight alongside his men in a phalanx.
1:53:17
He did not live like his people. He lived
1:53:20
in a palace opulent, opulently, oh
1:53:22
my god, kept a stable of
1:53:24
parade horses, had a permanent bodyguard of
1:53:26
mercenaries around him at all times. 192
1:53:29
BCE, Nabus is assassinated, despite
1:53:32
his mercenaries, in a coup by the
1:53:34
Aetolian League, rival of the Achaean League,
1:53:36
and Sparta soon falls under Achaean League
1:53:39
domination. Another major, humiliated
1:53:41
blow to Sparta. Briefly
1:53:43
some guy named Laconius, maybe, historians
1:53:45
not even sure what his name was, ruled for a tiny
1:53:47
bit. We know almost nothing about him. Following
1:53:50
what's his name, it's a little unclear who led
1:53:52
Sparta for the next few decades. 188
1:53:55
BCE, Sparta is invaded by Philip Pullman
1:53:57
in Achaean Genre. Sparta's
1:54:00
city walls constructed under
1:54:02
Nabis, though the wall were
1:54:04
completed that year and the wall was six miles in circumference.
1:54:08
But Philip Pullman forced reforms by
1:54:10
abolishing Lycurgus' laws and destroying the
1:54:12
new city wall. Sparta,
1:54:14
truly unrecognizable now. 146
1:54:17
be Rome defeats the Achaeans and establishes a
1:54:19
protectorate in Greece. They occupy
1:54:22
Sparta and take most of
1:54:24
the Paris-Peri-esai from them. And
1:54:27
then, during a long period of Roman occupation, Sparta
1:54:29
becomes essentially a fucking Disneyland, a
1:54:32
vacation destination and tourist attraction. Oh,
1:54:34
how sad for the wealthy Romans.
1:54:37
Many old Spartan customs are restored for show so
1:54:39
that Romans can come and see how they used
1:54:41
to live. Oh, cute! Look
1:54:43
at how those hungry boys fight for cheese! That's
1:54:46
adorable! Oh, look at them leaving that
1:54:48
sickly baby on the hillside! Let's
1:54:50
wait and see how long it takes for wolves to find it. Rome
1:54:53
will also recruit young Spartans to fill their infantry ranks.
1:54:57
49 BCE Rome, experienced in a
1:54:59
civil war between Pompey and Julius Caesar, and the
1:55:01
Spartans are forced to side with Pompey and give
1:55:03
him troops. Greece becomes the new setting
1:55:06
to that war. 42
1:55:08
BCE, around 2,000 Spartan soldiers, die at the
1:55:10
Battle of Felipe. 32
1:55:13
BCE Greece, under the control of Marcus Brutus,
1:55:16
but the Spartans side with Octavian, aka
1:55:18
Emperor Augustus, against Antony, and
1:55:20
they provide shelter for Octavian's future
1:55:22
wife, Livia. 31
1:55:24
BCE Octavian defeats, is defeated, Antony
1:55:27
and seizes power in Rome. In
1:55:32
27 BCE Augustus officially becomes
1:55:34
Rome's first emperor, Sparta, favored
1:55:36
by Augustus, but in 14
1:55:39
BCE Emperor Augustus dies, and that
1:55:41
effectively ends the last thread of Sparta's political power
1:55:43
in Greece. Last Spartan
1:55:45
hero, who's not even really a
1:55:47
Spartan, is Gaius Julius Evercles,
1:55:50
partially a Roman. Evercles,
1:55:53
a president and commander over Sparta,
1:55:55
not a king, and then he tried
1:55:57
to assert too much control and act like a
1:55:59
king, but he got put on to it. trial
1:56:01
before Augustus, deprived of his presidency, exiled, and dies
1:56:03
before 2 BC. After
1:56:05
Augustus's death, Everglades' successors placed
1:56:08
themselves in favor with Emperor Tiberius,
1:56:10
re-insate themselves as Sparta's rulers, but
1:56:12
fully under Rome's supervision. And
1:56:15
this was the final, very anticlimactic end of Sparta
1:56:17
as we knew it. Over two
1:56:19
centuries later, in 267 CE, the Goths sacked
1:56:21
the territories of Athens, Corinth, Sparta, which is
1:56:23
really just not even the same place at
1:56:26
all now, and Argos. 396
1:56:29
CE, Sparta sacked again by the
1:56:31
Visigoths, led by their king, Alaric,
1:56:33
who would sack Rome 14 years later.
1:56:36
Visigoths destroyed a large part of the Peloponnese.
1:56:39
Soon after this, the Byzantines repopulate
1:56:41
the area and
1:56:44
rename Sparta Lassa
1:56:46
Demon, and then it fades out of existence.
1:56:49
Over 800 years later, in 1204 CE,
1:56:51
the Franks built a fortress city, Meestris,
1:56:54
just southwest of Sparta on the
1:56:56
hills. In 1259,
1:56:59
Meestris becomes capital of the Byzantine province
1:57:01
of Meestris on the Peloponnese and thrives
1:57:03
for two centuries. Almost
1:57:05
600 years later, in 1834,
1:57:07
Otto the King of Greece orders
1:57:09
the founding of New Sparta, near
1:57:11
the original site of Lassa Demon and the
1:57:14
Spartan ruins. In a special
1:57:16
commemoration ceremony, he kills an unhealthy baby,
1:57:18
butt-foxed young boy, makes two other starboys
1:57:20
fight to the death over a block
1:57:22
of cheese, before shouting, this is Sparta!
1:57:25
I don't
1:57:27
have to say that didn't happen, do I? From
1:57:30
1906 to 1910, and again from 1924 to 1929, a team of archaeologists excavate some ancient Spartan
1:57:36
ruins. Now, New Sparta
1:57:38
is a commercial and industrial center, trading in
1:57:41
citrus and olive oil, also has tourists coming
1:57:43
by to check out a variety of important
1:57:45
archaeological sites, population, roughly
1:57:48
16,000 to 17,000 people, pretty
1:57:50
small little place in Greece, actually
1:57:53
doesn't show up on many lists of like the
1:57:55
top places to visit, is no longer this power
1:57:57
at all. None
1:57:59
of the people People living there are forced into a
1:58:01
lifetime of military service. They
1:58:03
let the weakest of babies live. They
1:58:06
eat good food, don't have
1:58:08
slaves, new Sparta, pretty woke.
1:58:11
Which you know, is quite a shame. It really bums me out.
1:58:14
There's not willing to do. What it takes. Start
1:58:17
taking shit over again. And
1:58:19
that will take us out of this timeline. Good
1:58:24
job, soldier. You've made it back.
1:58:28
There. Before
1:58:35
sharing some final thoughts about this episode today,
1:58:37
and I'm actually pretty happy. Pretty happy with
1:58:39
my Greek pronunciation. I know I'm
1:58:41
not a professor, but for me, I felt
1:58:43
like that was a good leap up. I do
1:58:45
have one more ad that I'm very excited about. This
1:58:48
was really the perfect episode for them
1:58:50
to place this ad. Today's
1:58:53
Time Suck is brought to you by your
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new favorite men's only fitness gym and training
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center, The Spartan Way. Bro, are you looking
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to get ripped to spring? Well, let's go further. expert
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to have you look like a Spartan warrior. We're going to fuck your butt. Did
1:59:05
you hear something? I didn't. and
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deadlift personal records. We're not fucking your butt. What was that? Did
1:59:10
you say something? Did you say your wrist was a little bit
1:59:12
too big? I'm not. I'm not. I'm
1:59:15
not. I'm not. I'm not.
1:59:18
I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm
1:59:21
not. I'm not. I'm
1:59:23
not. I'm not. Are
1:59:55
you a Spartan man with tight little tooties? Huh? Is
1:59:58
that who you are? It's about
2:00:00
fitness. Get a Spartan way. Get your buff
2:00:02
on. What? Look at me now. Call 1-800-HARD-F.
2:00:06
Today, it's a Spartan way. Wow.
2:00:13
Sounds like they went full Spartan. I admire
2:00:15
that dedication. To just really going all the
2:00:17
way. To see it through the end. So
2:00:21
outside some cool movies. What is
2:00:23
the legacy of the Sparta today? The
2:00:25
first remnant of Sparta. That's
2:00:28
so ridiculous. Isn't our vocabulary? Spartan.
2:00:31
Right? Just the word Spartan. I say it. We
2:00:33
still say Spartan. You know, when we speak of
2:00:36
showing indifference to comfort or luxury,
2:00:38
something very minimalist. We also
2:00:40
still think of fearless and fierce warriors totally committed
2:00:42
to their cause. Many of us
2:00:44
also think of what it means to be, for lack
2:00:46
of a better word, manly. I
2:00:48
know I do. You know, primally,
2:00:50
simplistically, and in a very
2:00:53
traditionally alpha, giga-chad sense, masculine. For
2:00:56
the Spartans, courage was manliness. And
2:00:59
there is value in that, for sure. You
2:01:01
know, I love reading about, thinking about that kind of courage.
2:01:04
That's why I love movies like 300 or Troy. Also,
2:01:07
why I love, you know, Wild West stories. That's
2:01:09
also men being very traditionally men, for
2:01:11
lack of a better word. Not afraid to die for what they
2:01:13
believe in. Not afraid of a fist
2:01:15
fight, a sword fight, high noon showdown. Not
2:01:18
gonna lie, that shit gets my blood moving. But
2:01:20
while it's cool to witness in movies, the Spartans, just
2:01:22
like many of the quick-draw artists I'm fascinated with, definitely
2:01:25
took that shit too far. Way too far. Right,
2:01:28
for Spartans, courage took precedence over
2:01:30
all other traditional virtues, such as
2:01:32
wisdom, justice, no
2:01:34
piety. Courage was a central part
2:01:37
of masculine identity in Sparta, so much so that
2:01:39
they viewed having basic defenses, like a city wall,
2:01:42
for most of their history as a feminine. To
2:01:44
be a man in Sparta was to be a
2:01:46
soldier, a soldier happy to die for the glory
2:01:48
of Sparta. If you were not a soldier, you
2:01:50
weren't really a man. It was that simple. Although
2:01:53
the Western standards of masculinity today are much
2:01:56
more complex, you can still see Spartan influences.
2:01:59
I think of a... champion UFC MMA
2:02:02
fighters. A singular focus on combat. They
2:02:04
have to have that to
2:02:06
climb that high in a combat
2:02:08
sport. Super alpha. But
2:02:10
not even they. Or as
2:02:13
rugged as the average Spartan soldier at the height
2:02:15
of their dominance. I mean, even
2:02:18
the heavyweight boxing champion of the world, Tyson
2:02:20
Fury, big mental health advocate.
2:02:23
Even he will talk about feelings of the world. He's not
2:02:25
punching guys in the face. I
2:02:27
think a Spartan warrior would truly be disgusted by
2:02:29
that. They'd see it as
2:02:31
embarrassing. Or just be confused. Like,
2:02:33
what are you doing? What is happening? Those
2:02:36
dudes put fighting above everything
2:02:38
else. Family, love, basic comforts.
2:02:40
All right? Take no comfort in simple pleasure
2:02:42
like good food or strong drink. No comfort in
2:02:45
basic self care. Don't
2:02:47
get a massage for sore muscles. If they would have had aspirin,
2:02:49
I doubt they would have taken it. Nope. Here
2:02:52
the women can have the aspirin. Not
2:02:54
for us, men. Nothing. Don't acknowledge pain.
2:02:56
Emotional, physical. Don't fucking cry. Ever. Don't
2:02:58
scream when the whip hits your back.
2:03:00
Ever. Don't complain. Don't
2:03:02
quit. Don't stop fighting until the battle is won
2:03:05
or you're dead. And I
2:03:07
do admire a degree of that.
2:03:10
I do think as a society, sometimes we swing
2:03:12
too far the other way and become too soft.
2:03:14
Too quick to cry. Too quick to
2:03:17
wallow in our own despair and embrace
2:03:19
victim-woe-is-me mentality to an unhealthy degree that
2:03:21
paralyzes you. But again,
2:03:23
holy shit, the Spartans took things way
2:03:26
too far in the other direction. My God.
2:03:28
Even for the times. Even the Athenians. Right?
2:03:31
Able to amass their own very formidable fighting
2:03:33
forces that did best the Spartans on occasion.
2:03:35
Even they were like, what the fuck? You
2:03:38
had your savages. God damn, that's
2:03:40
too much. Let the
2:03:42
kids have their cheese already. Give them
2:03:44
some shoes. Let them sleep at home.
2:03:47
Maybe don't buff them so much. When
2:03:49
I say so much, because that shit still went on
2:03:51
in Athens as well. Just not to the same degree. Anyway,
2:03:54
I hope you like what you learned. If you want
2:03:56
to die further into the glory of Sparta, just
2:03:59
search Sparta. any podcast director on
2:04:01
YouTube. So many well-produced podcasts and
2:04:03
videos. So many people dedicated
2:04:05
to Spartan history. So much
2:04:08
fun Spartan and inspired
2:04:10
modern media as well. When
2:04:13
Sparta appears in modern media, it's usually centered
2:04:15
on the Battle of Thermopylae, considered history's most
2:04:18
famous last hand. Sparta has
2:04:20
inspired books, movies, video games. Some
2:04:23
popular books revolving around Sparta are Go
2:04:25
Tell the Spartans, Prince of
2:04:27
Sparta, and Gates of Fire, all written in
2:04:30
the 90s. References
2:04:32
to Sparta appear in video games like Halo,
2:04:34
God of War, Assassin's Creed, Odyssey, Soldiers
2:04:37
Inspired by the Spartans, the
2:04:39
well-known film 300 Chorus depicts King Leonidas
2:04:41
in the Battle of Thermopylae. Sparta
2:04:44
has also influenced TV shows. Spartan influences
2:04:46
appear in an episode of Xena, Warrior
2:04:48
Princess, remember that show, Star Trek, South
2:04:50
Park. For better or worse,
2:04:52
the legends of Sparta still inspire most of the
2:04:54
world today. Author
2:04:56
Paul Cartlidge, Spartan
2:04:58
expert, gives another great
2:05:01
reason, a cool reason why we still admire Sparta
2:05:03
today in his book, The Spartans, for
2:05:06
the ancient ideal encapsulated in the
2:05:08
myth of Thermopylae still resonates
2:05:10
today. It is the idea that
2:05:12
there are some values that are
2:05:14
worth dying for, as
2:05:16
well as living for. That's
2:05:19
pretty badass. Are there
2:05:21
any values you find worth dying
2:05:23
for, worth living for? If
2:05:26
you can't think of any, is that a good thing or is
2:05:28
that a very bad thing? How
2:05:30
much value do our lives really have if
2:05:32
we're not willing to lose them for something
2:05:35
greater than ourselves? Do admire
2:05:37
that about Sparta a lot. Time
2:05:39
for a takeaways now. Time
2:05:42
for the top five
2:05:44
takeaways. Number
2:05:48
one, Sparta was different from every other city-state
2:05:50
in Greece for many reasons. Early
2:05:53
in their history, they rejected almost all
2:05:55
forms of art, culture, education, to focus
2:05:57
on becoming a highly structured, military- Spartan
2:06:01
men had one career choice, a soldier. The
2:06:04
Helit slave class allowed Sparta to become such a
2:06:06
unique society because they took care of all the
2:06:08
agriculture and domestic labor that would have taken time
2:06:10
from the men and women of Sparta. And
2:06:12
they also gave the Spartans a reason to stay physically
2:06:14
dominant. Constant fear of revolt. Number
2:06:17
two, at age seven, Spartan boys were sent away
2:06:19
from home to the Egoji, the military training school
2:06:21
that turned boys into warriors. Life
2:06:24
in the Egoji was harsh, like real
2:06:26
harsh. Boys were not fed enough, exposed
2:06:28
to the elements, had to compete in
2:06:30
various violent physical competitions. A lot
2:06:33
of butt-fucking. By graduation at the
2:06:35
age of 20, they were ready to begin their
2:06:37
military training as a hoplite soldier. Only way for
2:06:39
a man to become a Spartan citizen was to graduate from
2:06:41
the Egoji. Many boys died
2:06:43
during the harsh training exercises and
2:06:46
never even saw life as a Spartan warrior. Number
2:06:49
three, the Battle of Thermopylae has
2:06:51
contributed to the legend of Sparta for centuries. For
2:06:54
three days, the Spartans and their allies, but
2:06:56
mostly the Spartans, held off the Persians
2:06:58
until the Persians found a way to outmaneuver them and
2:07:00
surround them at the pass of Thermopylae. Three
2:07:03
hundred Spartan warriors in King Leonidas
2:07:05
stayed behind to fight thousands of
2:07:07
Persian soldiers. They knew they
2:07:09
would die, but Spartans never surrendered in battle. They
2:07:12
were determined to die with honor, fighting to
2:07:14
the end, to the death. This
2:07:16
last stand has been dramatized in books, movies,
2:07:18
and video games. Tonight,
2:07:21
we dine in hell! Right?
2:07:24
So good. Number four, the beginning
2:07:26
of the end for Sparta came with their loss at Thebes,
2:07:28
at Luchtra. In 371 BC,
2:07:30
the shocking defeat turned Sparta into a second-rate
2:07:32
power in ancient Greece. After
2:07:35
this, Sparta would experience even more military
2:07:37
losses, be conquered, or, you know,
2:07:39
would experience, not should, be
2:07:41
conquered for the first time in their history, and construct city walls
2:07:44
for the first time ever. They
2:07:46
were ultimately conquered by the Macedonians,
2:07:48
the Achaean League, and then
2:07:50
the Romans. Number
2:07:52
five, new info. Sparta was not just
2:07:54
defeated by Thebes in the 371 Battle of Luchtra. They
2:07:58
were actually defeated by an army of... 150
2:08:01
homosexual couples called the Sacred Band of
2:08:03
Thebes. He mentioned them in another episode a
2:08:05
long time ago. The band was
2:08:07
meant to mimic the 300 Spartans who fought at
2:08:09
Thermopylae. Thermopylae, my God. Plato
2:08:12
proposed in his symposium that an army
2:08:14
of homosexual couples would be hard to
2:08:16
defeat because, quote, no man
2:08:19
is such a craven that love cannot inspire him
2:08:21
with the courage that makes him equal to the
2:08:23
bravest born. Some
2:08:25
leaders throughout ancient Greece agreed with him, and
2:08:28
in Thebes they incorporated the strategy into their
2:08:30
military planning. Around 378
2:08:32
B.C., Theban general, Gorgadis,
2:08:34
created the Sacred Band, an
2:08:36
elite fighting division of the Theban army. This
2:08:38
army engaged on the front lines of several battles
2:08:41
and helped defeat Sparta and Lutra. To
2:08:43
participate in the Sacred Band, the members
2:08:45
had to be amazing athletes and soldiers and also
2:08:47
be gay. One
2:08:50
member of the couple had to be an older male
2:08:52
in the dominant role, and then the other
2:08:54
would be a younger man in the submissive role. Turns
2:08:57
out, consensual butt-fucking even more
2:08:59
important to building the best warriors on
2:09:01
the planet than non-consensual butt-fucking. More
2:09:04
you know. Welcome. Hell
2:09:07
in a Rock. Time sucks. Top five takeaways.
2:09:09
Tonight, we dine in hell. The
2:09:15
Spartans have been sucked. Got
2:09:17
a little something on my throat there a second ago. Sounds different all
2:09:20
of a sudden. Thank you to the Bad
2:09:22
Magic Productions team for all the help in making Time
2:09:24
Suck, such as Queen of Bad Magic, Lindsey Cummins, running
2:09:26
operations around here, Logan Keith recording
2:09:28
this episode, designing merch for the
2:09:31
store that you can find at
2:09:33
badmagicproductions.com, and Olivia Lee
2:09:35
providing initial research today. Also
2:09:37
thanks to the all-seeing eyes moderating the Cult of
2:09:40
the Curious private Facebook page The Mod Squad, making
2:09:42
your Discord run smooth, and every
2:09:44
one of the Time Sucks subreddit and Bad Magic subreddit.
2:09:47
And now let's head on over to this
2:09:49
week's Time Sucker update. Get
2:09:55
your Time Sucker update. First
2:10:00
update gonna address a little mistake. I
2:10:02
made last week. I messed up a
2:10:04
little bit with my tool tripping story and Didn't
2:10:07
say the right fake name for my friend
2:10:09
at one point Jordan Dewey and many others
2:10:11
caught me Jordan wrote in with a subject line of suck
2:10:13
392 Hey,
2:10:15
Dan, I'm sure not the first person to
2:10:17
point this out But I wanted to give you a heads up
2:10:19
that in your story with your friend that didn't want his name
2:10:22
used you slipped up The last time you said his name you
2:10:24
only said Joe instead of Jason So imagine it's not
2:10:27
a problem, but I thought you might want to know
2:10:29
box box playboy held him rod Jordan Dewey Well, who
2:10:31
knows who knows what his name is Jordan? Could
2:10:34
be could be Jason could be Joe could be Jason Joe could
2:10:36
be Joe Jason could be Frank I mean who knows
2:10:38
really you don't know but it's all good The
2:10:41
important part is I didn't use his last name
2:10:43
whatever his first name is so, you know JJ Still
2:10:47
has plausible deniability if necessary Still
2:10:50
can't believe my friend turned into an FBI agent
2:10:52
was about to arrest me for some serial killings
2:10:54
that happened I was in grade school. So
2:10:57
really he deserves to be exposed Next
2:11:00
up. I love a good trip story and
2:11:02
Milo says one Milo's I'm still
2:11:05
stuck on Greek shit My
2:11:08
I want to like pronounce words now with like a Greek
2:11:11
emphasis Milo
2:11:13
has a Milo wrote in with the subject line
2:11:15
of the absolutely intense beautiful amazing and terrifying acid
2:11:17
trip that sent me to The hospital for real
2:11:20
and here we go Hello Logan and
2:11:22
Lindsay you too Dan nice Listening
2:11:25
to psychedelics episode and needed to send in
2:11:27
my own true account of an LSD trip
2:11:29
gone bad very bad But hilarious in hindsight
2:11:32
This story is a tad long, but I think it's worth a
2:11:34
telling in the summer of 87 I was
2:11:37
a parking lot attendant in Waterslide world in Lake
2:11:39
George, New York, where I grew up. Sounds awesome
2:11:42
I was 16 and dabbled quite a bit with LSD
2:11:46
To that point having actually recently taken
2:11:48
my chemistry regents exam on acid got
2:11:50
a 95 if memory serves me Needless
2:11:53
to say when a friend got some globes and moons
2:11:55
blotter at a dead show she attended I was game
2:11:57
as hell My
2:11:59
parents were restrict, but not too stifling,
2:12:01
so I was allowed out at night, but did have
2:12:03
a curfew. So I would start a trip wandering around
2:12:06
Lake George Village, then come home and ride
2:12:08
out the rest in my room. The backyard was
2:12:10
always full of plants and had a street light, so
2:12:12
highly visual trips were really enjoyable with a
2:12:14
play of light and shadow. That
2:12:16
particular summer, we also had a massive pumpkin vine
2:12:19
that had grown out of the compost pile, which was
2:12:21
added to the whole tableau. So
2:12:23
there I was on a nice intense but
2:12:26
relaxing trip, watching the dance birds, etc., doing
2:12:28
their beautiful dances, waving about, colors gently rolling
2:12:30
along throughout, you get it. Then
2:12:32
out of nowhere, I hear my name in a whisper, Milo.
2:12:36
I look out and start standing in the backyard. Nothing.
2:12:39
I chill back down, then I hear it again. Milo.
2:12:43
Still standing, I cannot see a damn thing. They could
2:12:45
possibly be speaking my name. Then I hear it in
2:12:47
a stretched out, it's only ass it can do kind
2:12:49
of way. Oh,
2:12:53
that starts repeating my name backwards, forwards, twisted inside out.
2:12:55
All the while, I'm starting to get a little more
2:12:57
than a little freak the fuck out, but
2:13:00
can still not identify the source. In my
2:13:02
adult state, my brain starts racing. I think I'm losing it.
2:13:04
I can feel my heart start to race. At
2:13:06
first, I thought it was just my imagination, but I couldn't be sure. I kept
2:13:09
hearing the voices. My heart kept going faster. Finally,
2:13:11
my rational self-preservation instincts kick in and I go
2:13:13
to my parents' room and wake them up. Mom,
2:13:15
dad, can you feel my heart rate? Not
2:13:17
very awake. My mom puts her hand on my wrist, then
2:13:20
bolts straight up and explains something like, oh my God, what's
2:13:22
wrong with your heart? I respond
2:13:24
with mom, dad, I'm on acid. They
2:13:28
both, their hearts are now racing. They both
2:13:30
jump out of bed and are obviously very angry, but
2:13:32
they're both children in the sixties. And while I'm
2:13:35
pretty sure they never tripped, I know my mom
2:13:37
at least had to hold down a roommate who
2:13:39
was quote, trying to fly from their dorm room
2:13:41
window. Now this experience probably helped me more
2:13:43
than anything because they immediately started talking
2:13:45
calmly, not getting dressed, getting to
2:13:47
the hospital through gritted teeth, but
2:13:49
still one of their finer, finer
2:13:51
parental moments in my humble opinion.
2:13:54
So we all get dressed, they get me into the car and we
2:13:57
drive to the hospital 20 minutes or so away. The
2:13:59
hospital is pretty uneventful. They monitored my heart, blood
2:14:01
pressure, etc., because I was still quite distressed when
2:14:03
we arrived. I got lectures from
2:14:05
the attending doctors, etc. Not that
2:14:07
I was really in the state to be receptive for any advice. The
2:14:10
only thing about the hospital worth mentioning was
2:14:12
I did see an enormous moth plunter. Yeah,
2:14:14
not really sure I did. And
2:14:17
the emergency room bed I was in was propped up at a weird angle.
2:14:19
And when I went to adjust, I found that
2:14:21
it was not propped up at all. I just
2:14:23
thought it was. One thing settled. I
2:14:25
was discharged and went home. I woke the next morning
2:14:27
to a rest of the summer grounding. Told
2:14:29
I will be paying the emergency room bill. And
2:14:32
a hell yeah, you are going to work today. Thankfully,
2:14:34
this was 1987. The ER bill was 140 bucks. My
2:14:39
God, that's crazy. Was that much cheaper than not the
2:14:41
thousands? It would have been today. At
2:14:44
work, I was really in the story to a few friends
2:14:46
and they started simultaneously cracking up and looking guilty. It
2:14:48
was then that they told me that they were outside my room,
2:14:51
calling to me, trying to get me to come out. An
2:14:54
important fact I've not mentioned yet. My bedroom
2:14:56
was on the corner of the house and had a pair of
2:14:58
windows on the backside of the house. The ones I was watching
2:15:00
the backyard with and another window on the side of the house
2:15:02
tucked into a little alcove. You'll probably see where
2:15:04
this is going. While I was freaking
2:15:06
the fuck out, thinking I was hearing voices and not
2:15:08
seeing anything, my friends were at the other window, totally
2:15:10
out of my view. I was so
2:15:12
angry, but not really at them, just at the absurdity of the
2:15:15
situation. I was
2:15:17
also so freaked out by the ER trip that I did
2:15:19
not touch the loose engines until the end of my freshman
2:15:21
year of college two years later. During
2:15:24
which I laid down in the grass of the
2:15:26
aptly named Tripping Fields of New Pauls, New York
2:15:28
and let the grass gently grow around me.
2:15:31
Milo. Milo,
2:15:33
that was an awesome story. I loved
2:15:35
that your friends were there and
2:15:37
your mind was inverting them saying your name.
2:15:40
Just bending it around, twisting it inside and
2:15:42
out. Yeah, thank you for sharing that. Also,
2:15:45
you're a great artist. You
2:15:47
can check out Milo's stuff at milocaruso.com.
2:15:51
It is aptly, some trippy stuff. Love
2:15:53
it. Yeah, if you want to check out Milo's
2:15:55
stuff. And now a Churches
2:15:57
of Christ update from Name Redacted. subject
2:16:00
line of churches of Christ. I
2:16:02
got several of these regarding my confusion when
2:16:04
it came to the organization of these
2:16:06
churches. I talked about this in the
2:16:08
recent Skitty folks go to heaven remnant fellowship suck. Excuse
2:16:12
me. Hey, Dan, I'm a longtime listener and
2:16:14
lifelong churches of Christ member.
2:16:17
I'm only 25 minutes into this week's episode, but
2:16:20
I wanted to maybe clear up a few things
2:16:22
about the admittedly sometimes crazy and confusing practices and
2:16:24
ideals of the church of Christ. Each
2:16:26
individual each oh my God, each
2:16:29
individual from that stupid commercial I did. I
2:16:32
yell so much in my notes are running each
2:16:35
individual church gets their name from Roman 1616 where
2:16:38
the apostle Paul uses the name for
2:16:40
the first time. That is why there are so
2:16:42
many churches with the same name but no affiliation with each other.
2:16:45
Like he mentioned, the name is just
2:16:47
an indication that the individual church is attempting
2:16:49
to practice as closely to the original first
2:16:51
century church as possible. The one being established
2:16:53
in the New Testament. The reason
2:16:55
why we don't have any overarching leadership while admittedly
2:16:57
it probably would help with the confusion that people
2:17:00
encounter like you did is
2:17:02
because there was no authority for
2:17:04
intercongregational leadership given in the New
2:17:06
Testament. You're right. Sort
2:17:08
of that we do try to follow the
2:17:10
Bible as closely as possible. But
2:17:12
it's the New Testament that we adhere to. The
2:17:15
Old Testament is not something we are bound by
2:17:17
anymore. It was the law of Moses Jewish law.
2:17:19
And that was done away with when he
2:17:22
rose from the dead and the new church
2:17:24
was established. So while your example from Deuteronomy
2:17:26
is ridiculous, it's definitely not something
2:17:28
that any COC has ever thought needed to be
2:17:30
followed. All that to say, I
2:17:33
do get it though, the non-denominational aspect but
2:17:35
then having an internal website that doesn't really
2:17:37
include any churches and sites in the US
2:17:39
but also each different church website can say
2:17:41
different and contradicting things can be very confusing.
2:17:44
I've been told that the COC is a cult before but
2:17:46
it definitely at least the different churches I've
2:17:48
been a member of over the course of my 33 years doesn't
2:17:51
fit your definition of a cult. We really are just
2:17:53
trying to do our best to live our lives according
2:17:55
to Jesus's teachings. I'm just a meat sack
2:17:57
trying to love other meat sacks. Oh, that's great. I
2:18:00
hope I cleared it up a little bit for you. Wow,
2:18:02
I'm realizing how long this email is, but I'm definitely not sorry about
2:18:04
it. If you do happen to read this on the show, please leave
2:18:06
out my name, just in case there
2:18:08
are other sinful COC members listening to your
2:18:10
devil podcast. Three
2:18:13
out of five stars wouldn't change a thing, your loyal spaces are
2:18:15
blank. Yeah, that actually does
2:18:18
help anonymous naughty pants listen to
2:18:20
this filth, but for real, it
2:18:22
does though. Basically, if I understand
2:18:24
it correctly now, the churches are not a
2:18:27
real denominational branch of Christianity, per se.
2:18:30
They're all just modeled after the same
2:18:32
source, bunch of independent places modeling themselves
2:18:34
after one place, but not
2:18:36
affiliated in any way with each other.
2:18:39
So I do get it now. Unusual in
2:18:41
the sense that that structure is not very common,
2:18:44
but not actually that confusing when you look at it
2:18:46
the correct way. So thank you. And
2:18:49
now one more quick trip tale from
2:18:51
Matt in South Carolina, Matt wrote in with a
2:18:53
subject line of psychedelic potpourri. Oh,
2:18:56
shrooming suck master and tripping teller of Nimrod. I
2:18:59
have a few quick funnies revolving around psychedelics. First
2:19:01
off, about 15 years ago, when I lived in Atlanta,
2:19:04
friend of mine found some mushrooms in the pasture next
2:19:06
to his house that had psilocybin
2:19:08
purple crystals on them rather than just the
2:19:10
purple spores. After our
2:19:12
own research, we sent some caps to High Times
2:19:14
and they ranked them the third best they ever
2:19:16
had. Basically, if you ate
2:19:18
two caps and they were big, mind you, think
2:19:20
portobello caps in the grocery store. You would
2:19:22
vomit after 30 minutes and then, hold on.
2:19:26
I remember laughing uncontrollably because my arm fell off
2:19:29
and I couldn't pick it up to put it back on. That night
2:19:31
I saw crocodiles reaching out of the Chattahoochee River to
2:19:33
feed on bats. My friend slept in
2:19:35
the woods because a bear told him going back to
2:19:38
my apartment was dangerous. Jesus
2:19:40
Christ. And another friend spent
2:19:42
three hours tracing the entire pattern of my
2:19:44
wallpaper from the porch door all the way
2:19:46
around the apartment and back to where he
2:19:48
started. Needless to say,
2:19:50
I severely miss having access to hallucinogens and
2:19:52
am jealous of your every story. Also
2:19:55
on a side note, psychedelics caused me to come and vlog myself
2:19:57
at one of your shows. On your Burn
2:19:59
It All Down Tour, I was on a... Saturday night show
2:20:01
in Charlotte, North Carolina. Someone in the
2:20:03
crowd yelled out Dan Cummins 2024, which you chuckled
2:20:05
at. Then to follow it
2:20:07
up, I yelled out DMT for everyone. Or
2:20:10
you thought he yelled that out. I don't know if
2:20:12
you remember, but you replied, what? To my
2:20:14
horror, I realized I had yelled out
2:20:16
GHB for everyone. As
2:20:19
in the day rape truck. As a deer
2:20:21
in headlights response, I just answered you, I don't know.
2:20:24
Which at least got a laugh from everyone. But believe me, I
2:20:26
got the side eye from every female the rest of the night.
2:20:29
Nimrod blessed my wife, Brandy, who kept informing
2:20:31
everyone. I only buy drinks for her. I
2:20:34
would apologize for length, but I can tell
2:20:36
and listen to dripping stories for hours on end. If
2:20:38
you do, do read this on an update, give a shout out
2:20:40
to my wife, Brandy. She's always ready to back up my stupidity.
2:20:43
Hopefully one day we'll be able to get some
2:20:45
mind health and serenade each other with 80s power
2:20:47
ballads. Yes. Hail Nimrod, much
2:20:50
more than the great God Amway. And
2:20:52
keep on sucking. South Carolina space, as you've
2:20:54
met. Yes. First off, Brandy.
2:20:58
Shout out to you. Thanks for
2:21:01
being Matt's champion. Taking care of him when he
2:21:03
says dumb things, which we all do.
2:21:06
Yeah, Matt, thanks for sending in this message. Sorry, I
2:21:08
don't remember which Charlotte showed that happened. I can't always
2:21:10
hear what people say when they yell in the audience.
2:21:14
If I would have heard you yell GHB, I am
2:21:16
pretty sure. We would have discussed that
2:21:18
for quite some time. Also,
2:21:20
I didn't know that high times ranked
2:21:22
psychedelics or that they accepted drugs
2:21:24
in the mail. I thought that'd be too dangerous. Like
2:21:27
they'd be nervous to get in trouble. That's awesome. I'd
2:21:29
have to have a lab. Sounds like
2:21:31
you were on one hell of a trip. Hard
2:21:33
visuals, while so scary in the moment. Man,
2:21:36
they're so fun to think about later. I
2:21:38
still think about those two fucking DMT entities on my porch
2:21:40
that one night. Our brains, especially
2:21:42
when tripping, man, they can manufacture some
2:21:45
just weird magical strange stuff. Thanks
2:21:48
for the messages, everybody. And if you are
2:21:50
going to trip, be safe. Sixteen
2:21:52
seconds. I needed this. We all did. Thanks
2:22:02
for listening to another Bad Magic Productions
2:22:04
podcast. Scared to death time suck each
2:22:06
week. Short sucks and nightmare fuel
2:22:08
on the time suck and scared to death podcast
2:22:10
feeds, uh, Fridays of some weeks. Please
2:22:13
do not dedicate your entire life to becoming
2:22:16
really good at fighting in a phalanx
2:22:18
this week. It doesn't matter anymore. How
2:22:20
do you get how good you get it? You can be the best ever. You can
2:22:22
be better than any Spartan. I can still just easily
2:22:24
shoot you. So don't do that.
2:22:26
Just calm down. Maybe go to the gym. Sweat
2:22:29
off your Spartan dreams. Get them out
2:22:31
of your system, come back home and just keep
2:22:33
on sucking. A
2:22:50
couple of real quick fun facts. Did
2:22:52
you know that today I said butt fucking 19 times? 20
2:22:55
times. 20 times. Even
2:22:59
butt fucking in one episode. 21 now. And
2:23:01
that doesn't even count all the weird Spartan way,
2:23:03
you know, fitness ad stuff. 21
2:23:06
times is that's a dead giveaway. That
2:23:09
it was a pretty fun episode. Have you ever
2:23:12
told a friend, oh, I'm fine.
2:23:33
When you really felt just so overwhelmed, then
2:23:35
this is your sign to reach out to
2:23:37
the 988 lifeline. For
2:23:40
24 seven free confidential support. You don't
2:23:42
have to hide how you feel text,
2:23:44
call or chat anytime. Time
2:23:47
for a quick break to talk about McDonald's wake
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