Summary: Amanda and I talk about regret – operating over it and missing opportunities and how to connect with what we value. We talk about forgiveness and compassion for others, and how our own motivations can be buried and that leads us to blame others. Amanda supports mothers through her Daily Dance facebook page, and gives them permission to fail forward.

Vicki: Hello, Amanda. So glad to have you here with me today.

Amanda: Hi, Vicki. I'm excited to be here today.

Vicki: My guest today is Amanda D. She's that real estate mama and founder of The Daily Dance, a journey and exploration of motherhood transformation and failing forward. I love that. I want to talk about that a little bit. She is a first-time mom at 40, entrepreneur, realtor, podcaster, reinventor, village creator, and mom supporter. She's committed to creating connection, freedom, and the courage to fail. Welcome, Amanda.

Amanda: Hi, Vicki. Thanks.

Vicki: The courage to fail, I love that.

Amanda: That was something I have been asking a lot of people and had to ask myself once I became a mom, what's my vision or anybody else's vision of motherhood and what that is personally and what I wanted. The thing that kept coming up for me, and I heard it coming up for other people too, was passing on the courage to fail to their kids, and really it came out as, I want my kids to not be afraid to try things. I want them to be who they are, to explore.

It just kept coming to me as, it's having the courage to fail, going for the experience and trying and not getting hung up on whatever result comes up or--

Vicki: Right, or in our society, trying to cover up our mistakes, cover up a failing because what will people think? How would they view us? It's not okay. All of that. I love that, that challenges that right in the face of, let's just have the courage to fail and fall down, pick up the pieces and move on instead of act like, oh my God, that shouldn't have happened, or why did that happen?

Amanda: I was going to add to that. It's also something I've learned from watching my son and realized that our natural state is to do that. If you watch a little kid learning to walk, they don't get up and do it right the first time. They don't get up and do it right the first 100 times. Each time they get a little further and not once do you see little kids start to get down on themselves. They might get a little frustrated, but they just keep going until they get it.

We as adult onlookers, we just know and assume that they will and encourage them to keep going. Yet somehow, as we age, it gets lost, or it suddenly seems like something we as adults are no longer allowed to do.

Vicki: I love your reference to the tiny stages. Each time they get a little further because that's often in life, we focus on the big results and forget to pay attention to the lots of little things that we did to make that happen.

Our show today is episode 28, Are You Operating Over Regrets? We had a conversation last week where you mentioned that you don't really experience regret today. You've reclassified if you ever felt regret. The focus is - I've learned something from all my mistakes and all the places where I might have fell short or felt others fell short. Do you mean that you don't feel guilt, shame, remorse, or sorrow, but may have situations where you wish they would've turned out differently, or are you pretty much, nope, everything turned out the way it should have?

Amanda: I'm a human being. I most certainly have felt all of those things, guilt, shame, remorse, sorrow, especially in the moment. It's really hard to be regret-free in the moment or the moment right after something. What I mean by that is that I relate this idea of regret - for some reason, when I hear the word regret, I think what would I want to do over? Earlier in life, I think what came up for me was nothing. I just don't even want to go back there.

Whatever it was, there was this, you know what? At least where I am now, I got through it, it's done and, you know what? I'd rather leave it as is and move forward than try to go back and do something again, because how do I know that whatever it is I do the second time would really be better.

I've also, in this conversation that we've been having, realized that there was also this little bit of those moments are also opportunities for learning. Those things that I want to hang on to, regret, or continue to have negative feelings about, are really missed lessons.

Vicki: I like that thinking.

Amanda: When some of that stuff comes up, asking what can I learn or what did I learn? I've certainly had moments that I've really beat myself up over and got hung up on, and at some point, I just stopped to ask, what tiny change or just tiny little thing could I do so that it has a purpose, so that that thing serves a purpose? Whether it's making a different decision sometime, the next time, or just what can I pull from it? What can I learn from the experience? What was the opportunity that I got in that experience?

Vicki: It sounds like you're talking about taking a detached view, separating from the emotion maybe, and being neutral about what happened in order to look at it from the big picture, looking down maybe. Would that be how you are reflecting?

Amanda: Yes. Some of it is in hindsight. It's very rarely am I having this no regrets feeling in the moment that something is happening. It is actually stopping to take the time and ask, what happened there? Really even just asking what happened there. I find that when I hang onto things and I don't do that, the same thing or something very similar happens again. I think this is the universe continuing to give us what we need to grow until we open up and are willing look and say, what can I take from this? What purpose could it serve for me?

Vicki: One of the things that I've noticed in my life that you touched on a little bit was, not only what I could have done different, but what is it telling me about - that I keep reflecting back. Even if I don't necessarily have feelings of regret anymore or pain. For an example, I left a job that I had a really tight team. We really worked well together. It was all women, [laughs] and I loved that environment, and we were all supportive of each other. I went to another place to work where that wasn't there, and I kept reflecting back - but missing that team spirit.

Had I been a little more present and thought, why am I reflecting on this so much? I might have said, "Well, because team is missing." [laughs] What can I do to create that again? Because instead of waiting for it to happen outside me, what can I do to take responsibility, to create what I want? Do you have any times like that, that reflect on a value maybe? That value for me was team and respect and support.

Amanda: I think when I hear that, what automatically comes up in mind to me is my experience with romantic relationships. When I was in my early 20s, I was a part of a very unhealthy relationship. I was in it for about three years. At some point, I left, but I came out of it thinking - I had made this person my whole world - I didn't really understand who I was or what my place was without this person being at the center of it.

At that time, I internalized it as that-- There was a lot of, what's the word I'm looking for? Cheating. We'll just say cheating. There was a lot of cheating.

[laughter]

Vicki: Call it what it is.

Amanda: There was just something in that that I made up about myself for a long time that, I wasn't good enough for someone to be committed to. There was a little bit of that but there was also this bigger story from my past and how I watched my parents growing up that like, there was a lot of cheating there too. I also had this story that committed relationships didn't exist in the world. It wasn't real, it was something fake, it was storybook, something that happened on the Disney channel and not in real life.

When I internalized this, I spent a large portion of my life not participating in committed relationships. At this point, I'll say trying on different relationship types, the end result is that I was single or felt single and unconnected to a romantic partner for over a decade. Then at some point, I just finally was like - I had the story too that it was always other people weren't committing to me.

At some point, I finally-- there was this light bulb that went off that said, if you want people to make that commitment and be all in with you Amanda, you have to be willing to be that as well. For me, at that time, my first tiny step to that was simply admitting that I wanted it because I had convinced myself that I didn't even want this, that it was, I don't know, uncool, didn't matter. Just admitting that I wanted it and then that built into admitting that I deserved it.

Then there was practice because then I found I would get involved with the same type of person and know that like, oh, well, in my thought, in my head, I was saying that this is what I wanted. However, then I started looking at who I was choosing as a partner or to get involved with and I'm like, these are unavailable people.

I'm still choosing unavailable people but saying that I want something different. Eventually going, aha, if I want to experience something different, I get to do something different and it's not other people who need to shift. I'm the one who gets to make the shift and add the commitment. Part of that was selecting partners who are also interested in commitment, and it sounds so silly and stupid now. [chuckles]

Vicki: I have a similar story. The story was about love hurts, and no one is ever going to do that to me again. I made a promise when I left my second husband, and it was at such a bottom as a result of his illness and inability to address it with addiction. I reached the bottom with me and my four kids that I made that promise and then I kept it for 10 years. Like you, I reached a moment in time where I thought, that worked for the last 10 years and it's not enough anymore. We have a similar story.

Amanda: That's crazy because I had no idea. [laughs]

Vicki: No, me either. We operate right over it. That's the uncanny thing about unconscious motivations that make it seem like it's somebody else's fault or it's some circumstance outside of us because the unconscious motivation is buried so deep and we just aren't aware of it until we have the courage to just let it surface and be there.

I don't know why those moments come to be. That's what's fascinating in life, isn't it? We can't force them. We can't make it change. I used to, oh, wail and cry every failed relationship during that 10-year period and I picked the wrong partner over and over again. Somebody that I knew would leave or that I would leave because they really were not the kind of integrity-- Not that they were bad people, but just there was no connection. Emotionally unavailable, like you said.

That leads into that regret can hide in our judgments too, and what you were commenting on if we wish someone would show up with qualities or in a certain way in life and maybe then we're regretting in our mind that they aren't showing up that way but if we look deeper, we get to ask ourselves, how are we showing up?

Amanda: I recently had a huge breakthrough in this particular area with my mom. As I mentioned, I became a first-time mom at 40. My son is now 18 months old. Last year was my first mother's day. My mom and I have begun to create another level of relationship and we've just never been super close and spoken a lot.

There was something about becoming a mom that I felt like another level of connection to her, and I had this thing in my head that we were going to talk about motherhood on mother's day and it was going to be this beautiful thing. On mother's day, I called my mom. She didn't pick up and didn't call me back. I went into so much judgment about her not being there, her not showing up and any other gamut of things I could make up about why she didn't pick up the phone and all of that.

Then I was speaking with another group and had this moment where I stopped that story and stopped being in that place of victimhood. What was happening for her, on her end for her and I suddenly had this big, wow moment where - my mom has experienced child loss. She's also experienced the loss of a grandchild and there was just this moment where I find had this level of compassion that, you know what? Mother's day may not be a happy pleasant day for her.

In that moment - where I let it not be about me - there was this freedom in adding compassion and going, oh, maybe she didn't pick up with the phone because she was taking care of herself. Maybe that's what she needed. All of a sudden it allowed that judgment to just dissipate. At the same time, it added a little bit of judgment to myself because I was like, how selfish and self-centered was I that it was my mom's duty to make my mother's day great and laugh at myself for it a little bit.

Vicki: You touched on something really important. I think we can't talk about regrets without talking about forgiveness and I love the sense of compassion that you felt in the moment for your mom, understanding that it might be a different experience for her, very painful, remembering what she lost. Then the opportunity to forgive yourself for being "selfish and self-centered," but being present in the moment and working through it, allowed that to happen. How do you approach your forgiveness process? Is there a way you do it or is it in the moment?

Amanda: I'm still working on it. I think that when you say process, that is probably the biggest key. (This) Level of forgiveness is new to me maybe in the past couple years and growing for me. For the longest time I kept asking, how do you just forgive? The answer that I've come up with for myself is you don't just forgive. You choose to forgive in this moment and then you to choose it again in the next moment and then the one after that, and the day after that and the week.

Because it's not like I had this - and all of a sudden everything poof - went better and I never had those feelings again. It's constantly reminding myself. I think the process-wise, it's taking a moment to step back and see it from the other person's perspective is a big one. The other one that came to me recently is I've made a deeper connection with my own spirituality and a connection with my higher power, which may or may not look like anybody else, it's personal to me.

Establishing a relationship of trust with the universe, that the universe has got me, I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be. Then taking the jump and going, oh, if the universe has me and I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be, I cannot believe that wholeheartedly unless I also believe that everyone else's higher power also has them, and they are also know exactly where they need to be. I am not the one who decides where that is. [laughs]

Vicki: That one was a revelation, wasn't it?

Amanda: Yes.

Vicki: It was for me, I would say that.

Amanda: Yes. There's a little bit of letting go of my own agenda and control for other people that allowed me to give other people permission to have their own journey too. I certainly am not always right. A lot of what I'm about now is failing forward and the courage to be wrong. Other people are allowed to do that too and really just finding a compassion and reciprocal offering of that to others.

Vicki: I like that. In the beginning, you mentioned that your regrets have become your lessons and they've added value to your personal growth. How did you come to that and maybe a little bit about how do you practice that on a daily basis? I love that you start with the right to fail forward.

Amanda: Like I said, in the beginning, it was just about-- it was almost a way of avoiding my past. However, now I talked about the relationships part of things and no matter how bleak it looks at a certain point, a lot of it's hindsight. I sit now and I could choose to sit here and beat myself up about all the poor relationships I choose to get into. However, when I sit here now and reflect, I'm aware that I have the choice to look back at every single one of them and look for - and see - what I learned from each one of them because there is something there.

Apparently, we've shared some experience with choosing people that it was never going to work. They were unavailable, you were unavailable. However, there's still something else at a person's essence that is going to draw us into their life. Choosing to look at what that was or what the good parts were that came into our life as a result. It's not always, like I said, in the moment. With some things, it's years later, weeks later.

Daily though, I now have started to implement this in a way that if I notice that I'm getting really upset at somebody or something, or something's really annoying me, then I will take a step back. If I notice the same thing annoying me repeatedly, I take a step back and go, why is that bothering me? Why is that person doing that bothering me? Where is it maybe showing up for me? Where am I doing it?

Because I have a belief that in order for us to perceive something in our space in our world, it has to exist on some level within us first. If I'm mad at somebody for not taking care of themselves and drinking water, it can be as simple as, "Oh, have I been doing-- where am I putting off my self-care to do something else?" That comes up because I'm constantly telling my partner that he needs to make sure he takes time to eat at work and take care of himself and sit down for five minutes.

Then after repeated times of doing that, I tend to step back and go, oh, I have been going and going and going for three days now, unless my head has hit the pillow and I'm tired - I get to stop. Then not looking at it as a reason to beat myself up that, "Oh, Amanda, you weren't taking care of yourself," but take it as an opportunity of, "Oh, now I see this, and I have an opportunity to make a different choice and choose what I want and what's going to support me."

Vicki: Thank you so much and thank you for being here. As we wrap up, I just want to comment that you were so open about your life and this topic of regret and where it fits, and what you've learned. I appreciate it so much. If my audience appreciates it and likes it, please leave a comment, and a review, and a like. Email me at [email protected] if you have questions or you want to comment further.

I always put on the table for my guests to talk about a program or a service that they provide and maybe a link, either your email or website or Facebook page, something you want to share if you'd like.

Amanda: Yes. As mentioned, I am both a realtor and founder of The Daily Dance, and The Daily Dance is where I share right now on Facebook. It literally is The Daily Dance is the Facebook page name or Instagram @thatrealestatemama. If you're a mom, The Daily Dance has a private group, The Daily Dance of Motherhood, where we go into a little bit of a deeper dive.

As of the recording of this, I have a launch date for a podcast for The Daily Dance to share even more of this with people. You can go to The Daily Dance at Facebook and get more information on that that will be launching in March.

Vicki: I love that. I experience you as so supportive and so connected. I'm sure that that topic of motherhood, there was times when I was a young mother that I felt so isolated and alone. Providing that place for people to come together and really-- They don't come with the manual, do they? [laughs]

Amanda: No.

Vicki: They do not tell you exactly what they need. A lot of the time it's a guessing game. I really value that you're providing that for mothers. Thank you, Amanda.

Amanda: The permission to fail forward, because that is the only way that you learn with those little people and imperfect that this is also about regret and forgiveness because you're going to mess up. [laughs]

Vicki: Wow. [crosstalk]

Amanda: The ability to be able to just take the next step and learn from it and keep moving is invaluable.

Vicki: It really is. Again, thank you so much for being here. To my guests, as we wrap up and say goodbye, thank you so much for being here. Remember, you create your beautiful life one moment, one step at a time.