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we go, here we go, here we go, here

0:57

we go, here we go, this is it. This

1:01

is Top Light Time Machine, I am Andy

1:03

Hopbody Dawson, pow pow pow. I'm Sam Lister

1:05

Delaney, so what? Welcome

1:08

along, it's the latest

1:10

installment in the pig

1:12

Odyssey, the seemingly endless

1:15

examination of

1:17

our pig friends. We've had quite

1:19

a few emails today Sam, I

1:22

think we should possibly look at

1:24

them at some

1:26

point. Maybe

1:28

before that though we can

1:31

examine a pig that I mentioned last week,

1:35

I think somebody had maybe got in touch about,

1:38

I can't quite remember, apology if it

1:40

was you, I'll tell you what I'll

1:42

put in the name of the pig,

1:45

it was Angus Maine and it's

1:47

all about a pig called Terpitz and

1:52

Terpitz thrived between 1915

1:54

and 1919, so we're looking at the Great War. as

2:00

it was wrongly called. Because it

2:02

was actually the terrible war. Terrible

2:04

war. Really bad,

2:07

really bad war. Yeah.

2:10

And Terpitz's claim

2:13

to fame is that he

2:15

survived the sinking of a German cruiser

2:18

and defected to the British Navy.

2:21

Now I'm not sure why the Germans

2:24

had a pig on

2:26

board a cruiser, but

2:28

let's see what it says in this article. It's a

2:30

Guardian article from 2014. When the British guns began

2:34

to fire the Germans near the game was

2:37

up, SMS Dresden took on water

2:39

its crew jumped ship. One

2:41

of the last to abandon the

2:43

vessel was a colossal pig launched

2:45

herself, launching herself off of misgendered

2:48

Terpitz earlier there. So

2:50

I think you'll apologize for that. Yeah, don't do

2:52

that again mate. Terpitz feels like

2:54

a boy's name. It's the sort

2:56

of shit that will eventually put paid

2:59

to this podcast. Yeah,

3:01

probably. Yeah, I

3:03

think probably running a book on various reasons

3:06

why we'll eventually get cancelled. Yeah. And

3:08

ruined. Misgendered Terpitz is

3:11

right odds on at the moment. Yeah,

3:15

you used the word in yesterday's episode that I

3:17

edit out because I didn't think it was. Really?

3:20

Yeah. Yeah, but I'm

3:23

not gonna say what it is. I'm

3:25

really intrigued. Really

3:27

intrigued. Can't wait to find out off air.

3:30

Up early at the end. Terpitz,

3:34

yeah, she. Well the last to

3:37

abandon the vessel was a colossal pig launching herself

3:39

into the water. Three months

3:41

earlier the dressed had been the only German

3:43

cruiser to escape the Battle of the Falklands.

3:46

Fucking hell. World War

3:48

One was going in the Falklands. Surely

3:51

not. Fleeing south

3:53

round Cape Horn into the Pacific

3:55

the dreads demeirder to Robinson Crusoe

3:57

Island in the San Fernando

4:00

this archipelago of Chile and

4:02

HMS Glasgow and HMS Kent caught

4:06

up with Dresden on

4:08

the 14th of March 1915 forced

4:12

into unconditional surrender the Germans

4:14

scuttled their own ship to

4:16

avoid being captured by the

4:18

Allies and the British seamen went

4:21

ashore to round up the shipwreck survivors.

4:23

Others clambered to recover

4:25

booty from the water and

4:29

one medical officer said we

4:31

salvaged a dinghy some oars a

4:34

boat hook boys six

4:37

chairs hammocks brooms or

4:39

brooms objective

4:41

interest yeah fenders

4:44

fenders what bumpers from American

4:47

cars they had metal bumpers

4:50

and even a cask of red wine undamaged by

4:52

its immersion in the sea. When

4:55

are we gonna get to the to the pig? Get

4:58

to the pig! recovered winched

5:01

on deck and become prized as

5:03

the ship's living live-in mascot the

5:09

men of HMS Glasgow took delight

5:11

in naming her after the head

5:13

of the German Navy Admiral Alfred

5:15

von Tirpitz and awarded

5:18

her the military German military decoration

5:20

the Iron Cross staying

5:22

with her ship to the last so

5:24

Tirpitz was the last man stroke woman off

5:27

the ship right the rest of the

5:29

Germans had all fucking fled

5:31

none of them gave

5:33

a shit about Tirpitz they just left left

5:35

over yeah well pigs

5:39

are very brave animals aren't they

5:41

unlike Germans I

5:44

did that out mate they did that out now

5:49

if you had a side okay podcast

5:52

the candle the play bin in

5:54

quote marks Germans are not brave

6:02

Mental health advocate in Germany.

6:05

Yeah, German... German

6:08

cowardslayer. Turbets

6:12

let a charmed life on board before taking

6:14

up residence at the Royal Navy's training facility

6:16

on Whale Island in Portsmouth Harbour

6:18

in 1916. I

6:22

don't know where this is. Whale

6:24

Island? Is that Portsmouth Harbour

6:26

as in Portsmouth? Or is that

6:28

just another place in America? Oh, it might be

6:30

in the Falkland. Falklands are quite a few places

6:32

that are British names. God! Don't

6:36

know, but she lived there with chickens, ducks,

6:38

geese and even a wallaby

6:40

paddock as well and eventually... Unfortunately, turpets

6:42

became a nuisance. She broke

6:45

down the chicken runs to raid their food and

6:48

radical action was required. The Whale

6:50

Island authorities bundled turpets into a

6:53

van. It took 10 men to

6:55

bundle her into a van apparently and

6:58

returned her to the former commander

7:00

of HMS Glasgow. Oh, that's

7:02

nice. Here you go, sir. Is

7:05

that a pig you gave us? We're sick

7:07

of her. Well, you know

7:09

what? That's... Have you ever seen the

7:11

play or film War Horse? No,

7:15

that's good. It's fucking

7:17

bananas, mate. I went

7:19

to see it when... It's got a robot horse in

7:21

it, hasn't it? Yeah, it's got a robot horse. That's

7:24

the first thing you need to know about it. Like,

7:26

my mother-in-law got us tickets once. Me

7:28

and the misachers are like Christmas presents. Yeah,

7:31

it's got a robot horse in it. When I

7:33

opened it, I thought, oh, fucking theatre tickets. Fuck.

7:36

This is all I need, right? They

7:39

are a fucking night out in town. That's

7:41

going to cost me. Fuck the West End.

7:43

Out the West End. The misachers will probably

7:45

expect some dinner first, I suppose. The

7:48

taxi home. Then you've got the

7:50

drinks and the popcorn. If we end up in a

7:53

camp this is the last train, fuck it out. This

7:55

is the sort of prison that cost me money. I'm

7:58

for all. It's been ruined. of Pontius

8:00

prancing about on the stage while I have

8:02

to sit for two hours in an uncomfortable

8:04

seat with no leg room. It's so funny,

8:06

they do stuff. But

8:09

then she reveals, I thought

8:11

you might like this one because it's got a robot

8:13

horse, that's the sort of thing you're into isn't it

8:15

you daft cunt. Can you punch the air? Fucking

8:19

hell, a robot horse live in front of me,

8:21

yeah I'll go and see it. Well

8:24

it's fucking mad and it's a

8:26

bit like this pig story you're telling because this

8:28

horse, it's a long

8:31

time ago I saw this so forgive me

8:33

if I get the details wrong, but this

8:35

horse it's like one minute it's been used

8:37

in the first world war by the Germans,

8:40

then it's been, no first it's been working

8:42

for, first it's in a fucking, just in

8:44

the cunts on mine, it's own business just

8:46

being a horse, horsing about. Horsing about, yeah.

8:48

Right and it's got some kid who's a

8:50

mate and next

8:52

thing they turn out and they go listen there's a

8:55

war broken out we're gonna need all you cunts to

8:57

come out and chip in and

8:59

he's sat there like being in the rough,

9:01

bad luck if you're a human, they won't

9:03

be wanting horses though, what good is

9:05

a horse in a trench? Then suddenly they said,

9:07

we fucking do, you're coming too

9:09

cunt, right? So he's fucking

9:12

shipped over to the trenches and he's

9:14

pulling stuff around and fucking people are

9:16

riding around in him, then there's a

9:18

massive tear up and in the fucking,

9:21

in the aftermath the Germans end up

9:23

thinking, oh we'll have him, right?

9:26

Because I don't know his British soldier masters

9:28

have been shot, so the Germans take him,

9:30

so he ends up being forced to switch

9:32

sides, he's working for the Germans for a

9:34

while, but then in the end, spoiler alert,

9:36

I think he goes back to being British,

9:38

but in many ways it sort

9:41

of you know tells you how

9:43

German, English, doesn't

9:46

make a difference, we're all humans unless

9:48

of course we're a horse or

9:51

a robot horse in particular,

9:54

but there's a funny German geezer who

9:56

becomes his mate, a German soldier and

9:59

he goes like this. Yeah, the

10:01

horse in War Horse is called

10:03

Joey. Yeah, which

10:06

of course was used as a playground insult

10:08

in the 80s for reasons we won't go

10:10

into. And the

10:12

German guy in the version I saw

10:15

on stage kept like stroking

10:17

his man and going, oh yes

10:19

Joey, oh yes Joey,

10:21

you are such a good, proud

10:23

horse, Joey. Right? And this tickles

10:26

me so much that to this

10:28

day I sometimes whilst

10:30

walking around the house to amuse

10:32

myself and sort of amuse slash

10:35

irritate my wife, suddenly she's

10:37

like going, oh yes Joey, good

10:39

Joey. And just like stroking

10:41

the cat or the dog while I say,

10:44

oh yes Joey. And she's like,

10:46

fucking stop it, it creeps me out. But

10:48

yeah, it's a weird thing but they should

10:50

make it about this pig because it sounds

10:53

like the same sort of vibe being passed

10:55

from pill and supposed. My favourite statue in

10:57

London is the memorial on Park Lane and

11:00

it just says, you must have seen it says animals

11:02

at war. It's a tribute

11:04

to animals at war and it's a sort

11:06

of like a, it's kind of a statue

11:08

like a stash mural. It's

11:11

like a mural made of stone and

11:13

it's got all these animals, a

11:15

dog, a dog, an elephant, a rat,

11:19

maybe a cat, I don't know. A cat would be

11:21

the last fucking animal

11:24

I'd ask for help in a war. Right?

11:27

Because those cunts would just go off and do

11:29

whatever they wanted. They'd lose interest in the

11:31

mission and just fuck off. But

11:35

it just says, in the middle of all these

11:37

animals, it says animals at war and

11:39

then you know what it says underneath? They

11:43

had no choice. Wow,

11:46

I mean yeah, of course they didn't.

11:48

I know and that's really, you

11:51

know, I mean it's very poignant. It's

11:53

very poignant every time I go past it. I

11:55

think yeah, those poor cunts didn't have a

11:57

choice. One minute they're just living their best

11:59

lives. as animals, you

12:01

know, being a horse or a pig or whatever.

12:04

Next minute, you are going

12:06

to fight. The humans have

12:09

had a massive disagreement. And if you're

12:11

a pig or whatever, you're like, well,

12:13

that's the human's fucking, that's humans for

12:16

you. That's fucking humans for you. They're

12:18

fucking busy, they are busy cops. The

12:21

human race is absurd. We

12:24

animals, we have very simple needs

12:26

and requirements. We wake up, we

12:29

need food, we need water.

12:32

We occasionally need to fornicate.

12:35

Roll about in the mud for a

12:37

bit. Only occasionally, we're not thinking about

12:39

nonstop, like some human that I could

12:41

mention. Not every seven seconds, like the

12:43

fellas. Like fucking, like some humans

12:45

I could mention, such as, well,

12:48

I won't mention them. David Walliam. What's

12:51

the brand? I said it. They're

12:54

funny, obsessed, not us animals. We do it

12:56

when we need to. In fact, we have

12:59

special designated seasons, where it

13:01

happens, which is very straightforward. We

13:03

don't have a system of currency

13:05

or exchange or anything like that. We

13:08

effectively, when we live wild, we just

13:10

eat what we can find. And

13:13

our lives are very simple. It doesn't

13:15

surprise me at all that the

13:18

fucking humans have fallen out and

13:20

want to fight each other about

13:22

it. Because they have created so

13:24

many extra fucking things for themselves

13:26

to worry about. Houses, money, funny,

13:28

fucking hell. Just fucking

13:30

calm it down, you busy cunts. In

13:34

conclusion, I want no part of

13:36

this disagreement. That's a human

13:38

disagreement, and I will not be involved.

13:40

I'm stopping here in my field. What?

13:44

You're making me go to war to fight

13:46

in the human war. I

13:48

have got no skin in this game. I am just

13:50

a bit- It's not even a disagreement. There's guns and

13:53

bombs and tanks. So,

13:55

another minute. Hang on, let's

13:57

rewind. You disagreed. Two

14:00

sets of humans have disagreed

14:02

because they live in different

14:04

fields effectively and they

14:06

disagreed on who should have one particular part

14:08

of the field and now

14:10

they're shooting each other with bullets and

14:13

dropping bombs on each other over it.

14:15

Fuck that! Classic human shit. Count

14:17

me out. What good

14:20

am I to you anyway? I'm a fucking pig.

14:22

What am I gonna do? Smuggles. Oh, you do

14:24

want me to smuggle stuff. Right. Fuck

14:26

it now. I tell you what I want to. I

14:29

met a rat once and he

14:31

was in the Crimean War and he

14:33

told me that he had

14:35

pals, relatives, who they would

14:37

fill with explosives

14:40

and it was a suicide mission. They had to

14:42

run into enemy camps and then they'd just blow

14:45

up. Yeah, exploding rats.

14:47

And I tell you, I'm not fucking

14:49

doing that, not for any cunt. He

14:51

told me about it because his bum hadn't gone off.

14:54

He was lucky. So he ended up wrong. In the

14:56

end it was wired wrong. So

14:59

in the end he managed to get home to

15:01

Britain and on the boat home he

15:03

shat it out, he shat the pot out,

15:05

came out his ass and he kept it.

15:08

He's kept it, he showed it to me. And

15:11

I tell you what, never mind me exploding.

15:13

For me the worst bit, because

15:15

once it explodes you're dead. You know, you're dead

15:17

in seconds, you don't know about it. The bad

15:19

bit is having the whole thing rammed up your

15:21

fucking asshole in the first place. They didn't have

15:23

it, they passed it out again. It was massive.

15:25

He said to me at one point, he said,

15:27

I know it sounds funny, but in

15:30

a way I would have rather it blown up

15:32

and I'd have just died. Because

15:35

then were the lucky ones, the odd lucky ones

15:37

were the ones where the bombs stink off because

15:39

then you had to shit it out. And I

15:41

don't know if you've ever shat out an explosive

15:43

divide, but it is not

15:45

a pleasant experience. He

15:48

said, now I know what it's like for the lasses

15:50

when they give birth and I will

15:52

not take that lightly again when they're complaining

15:55

about it. I tell you

15:57

what, it's unpleasant and that is an

15:59

understatement. statement. So let's

16:01

just say I've heard what you make animals

16:04

do at war and I'm not interested in

16:07

having a grenade or a rocket

16:09

shoved up my pig arsehole. But

16:12

if there's a statute to be had out of

16:14

it then I might consider it. That's different. If

16:16

I'm going to be immortalised in concrete in the

16:18

middle of London. That's different but

16:21

I'd rather do something more heroic than a

16:23

fucking bum up the arse, parachute me out

16:25

of a plane into the middle of a

16:27

load of German pigs and have me fucking

16:29

fight them trotter to trotter. Yeah, I'll give

16:31

that a go, that sounds exciting. But

16:34

none of this other crap. I'm not having a... Oh

16:36

just let me just... Nothing on my bum. Strap

16:39

some paperwork to me back and I'll scuttle

16:41

across white hole, deliver it from wall office

16:44

to another. Yeah, if the humans haven't got

16:46

the bollocks to do it, which

16:48

wouldn't surprise me at all because half of them

16:50

are cowards, from what I've seen.

16:55

War Horse to me feels like it's

16:57

a niche subject that

16:59

I love which is cultural

17:02

things where the final line should

17:04

be incorporate the title. Where

17:07

some of the people, the protagonists in

17:09

it all get around and say, yes

17:11

it truly was the War Horse. I

17:15

didn't mean to use that for

17:17

the title, yeah. It's

17:19

like the good life. I'm pretty sure at

17:21

the end of the good life, the last

17:24

episodes, Tom and

17:26

Barbara get burgled and the

17:28

burglars have smashed their house up and sprayed graffiti all

17:30

over the walls and I decide that they're gonna... They

17:33

were gonna go back to civilian life and

17:35

they started to stick with it. And I

17:37

think the four of them are stood around

17:39

and they just say something like, yes it

17:41

really is a good life. And

17:44

then they all fly their heads back in laughter and

17:47

it freeze frames. Yeah, I

17:49

could be wrong because there's a David Bowie video for

17:51

the stars that are out tonight which I think

17:54

he's with, oh I've forgotten who he's in

17:56

it with and he says it's supposed

17:58

to be his wife in it and they say something like... This

18:00

really is a good life. Yes, we

18:02

have a good life. So I might have confused those

18:04

two things But also might have

18:07

confused it with the last episode of Dad's Army

18:09

Sam Where we clearly

18:11

we truly are a dad's army Exactly

18:14

because at the end of it they've all

18:16

got glasses in their hands that they're standing

18:18

on maneuvers or something But they've all got

18:20

a glass from a hip flask or something

18:22

and they're talking about I think it's at the

18:24

end of the war They're talking about things they've done and that

18:26

and they Turned to the brick

18:28

the fourth wall and they turn the

18:31

cameras and they raise a glass to The

18:33

actual home guard who were

18:35

fought within fight, but you know who operated

18:37

in the war Yeah, I'd like it's not

18:39

again. I just feel as though they should

18:41

just said we really were

18:44

a dad's army Yeah, but you know what's

18:46

funny about that. How many series were there

18:48

of dad's army? What nine

18:50

I think nine days for the

18:52

last fucking nine series right dozens

18:55

of episodes we have

18:57

basically been ripping the shit and Out

19:00

of the home guard and then again

19:02

in their reputation They can't be seen

19:05

by portraying them as a ragtag

19:07

band of fucking imbeciles and incompetence,

19:09

right? I'd be coming immeasurably rich.

19:11

Yeah back of it out. We

19:13

have totally it has been a

19:15

non-stop Wildly negative portrayal

19:18

of what you did and then in

19:20

the last second last episode we turned

19:22

over well done chaps Well

19:24

done. See ya you you might

19:26

be all dead now anyway, but yeah, let's

19:28

raise a fucking glass to you silly cunt

19:30

So we've been ripping this shit out. No

19:33

one will ever take the home guard seriously

19:35

ever No one can ever turn

19:37

up and go oh I was in the home

19:39

guard or my granddad was in the home guard

19:41

Right, they can never say that and

19:43

without people just straight away things in

19:45

all right So we he was like

19:48

fucking sergeant. Come on I'm like working

19:50

in the fucking butcher shouting don't panic

19:52

right that or one of

19:54

those cunts and And so

19:56

it's all very well then breaking the fourth wall at the end,

19:58

but they know what they did I

20:01

don't know what they fucking did and you know

20:03

listen it's a great show it's very funny but

20:06

it's disingenuous of them to raise a glass to

20:08

the home guard at the end it really is

20:12

but yeah they should have just ended it

20:14

with that line but it really was a

20:17

dad's army yeah very much like in porridge

20:19

when he gets released in the last episode

20:21

he goes I really did

20:23

do my and then he turns the

20:25

camera and points elvish style porridge

20:28

porridge oh

20:33

at the end of whether we're up to the lightly lads you

20:35

put their arms around each other look at the camera goes that's

20:38

what happened to the lightly lads and

20:40

that is what happened to the lightly

20:42

lads at

20:45

the end of the story happening ronnie corbett breaks

20:47

the fourth wall doesn't he and says sorry

20:50

sorry yeah yeah yeah

20:53

that's been five series and the last two

20:56

were very very mediocre sorry

21:00

in eastenders i wish they ended every episode like that

21:02

or no at the end of each week enders

21:05

is on five days a week now right

21:07

is that something like that works on the

21:09

friday episode they should always have oh

21:13

just another week in the life of in

21:16

the life of us eastenders all

21:19

of them in the pub he said yeah

21:21

they all say it once and there's a

21:23

drone shot and it kind of reverses away

21:25

further and further into the sky and they

21:27

slowly just become dots and in the end

21:30

it orbits up and all you can see

21:32

is the earth turning there's

21:35

so many things and they do

21:37

that every friday top

21:41

crews turns the camera at the end that really

21:43

was a mission impossible looks

21:47

like this mission seven oh we've

21:49

done it we saved the president

21:51

looks like this mission wasn't

21:54

so impossible after all to

21:56

offer now i

21:58

also think it'd be good if If

22:00

Tom Cruise always said to her after now at

22:02

the end of each mission impossible That

22:06

implies that it's like a little nod to

22:08

there will be another one in the series

22:11

I worry like James Bond you said James

22:13

Bond will be will return in Then

22:16

you haven't got to sit through the credits like the Marvel films. Yeah

22:20

and God bless week Like

22:24

you sit through the Marvel credits and at

22:26

the end some obscure character that's been in

22:28

once I'm filled fucking me. I'm going to

22:30

turn that peeps around the wall and goes

22:33

it's me He's gonna be

22:35

the next one. It's me mr. Cheeky

22:37

the new character. They've run out of

22:39

all the characters I

22:41

was in one comic in 1982 that's been dug

22:44

up out of the I was discontinued after what

22:46

if you could do it with that bad But

22:49

then they've run out of other things

22:51

so they've dug me out of the archives and

22:53

they've decided to make it into a film. I

22:56

Will be played by let's

22:59

say that Bill Murray Hello,

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comedy ad free to catch up on

23:57

the latest episodes without the ads Just

24:04

to finish off the story of Tirpitz though,

24:07

it was ten men who bundled Tirpitz into

24:09

a van to return the

24:11

pig to the custody of Captain John Loose,

24:13

former commander of Eche Mescolasco. It

24:17

is difficult to be sure what Loose felt about

24:19

this reunion, well I could pretty much have a

24:21

guess. A short article

24:23

in The Times in 1917 gives a clue

24:25

which says, on the

24:27

instruction of Commodore Loose,

24:30

the animal will be offered for sale for

24:32

the benefits of the British Red Cross. So

24:36

he's selling this fucking massive

24:38

disrupter pig under

24:40

the guise of charity, which of course

24:42

is a familiar thing, people

24:45

who do terrible deeds and then pretend it's all

24:47

about charity. Tirpitz

24:50

was sold along with a couple of properties on

24:52

the estate of Earl of Shrewsbury. Yeah, this pig

24:54

is a fucking nightmare but we're going to chuck

24:56

a couple of houses in as well. But

24:59

you have to keep the pig. This

25:01

fucking pig, when's it going to die? I'll

25:07

just remember when I showed you the picture of its

25:09

head mounted on that shoe, that

25:11

weight on that wooden shield. Yeah

25:14

that wasn't pleasant. And Tirpitz

25:16

is said to have raised 400 guineas

25:18

which is around £20,000 in today's money.

25:22

But then it's a bit of a mystery what

25:24

happened after that. She may have been auctioned a

25:26

couple more times it says before her life came

25:28

to an end in 1919. And her

25:32

head was stuffed mounted and donated to the Imperial

25:34

War Museum in London, which

25:37

I guess is still there by the

25:39

looks of it. So that's

25:41

a good reason to go along. The Imperial War Museum,

25:43

which I've never been to before, I

25:46

was born to go to the Old Bailey at one

25:48

point but maybe I'll go to the Imperial War Museum

25:50

instead. All

25:53

Bailey too is Sam. I went for jury service

25:55

at the Old Bailey. Did you?

25:57

Yeah. Fucking hell you don't fuck about

25:59

do you for jury service. I know it was amazing

26:01

well I didn't I didn't get selected what happened was

26:03

I was there for two days have you ever done

26:05

jury service you just sit around no you

26:08

sit around waiting to be selected so they sent me

26:10

to the old Bailey and I

26:12

was just sitting around reading my book and

26:14

you don't know whether you're gonna get called they

26:16

just have loads of potential jurors there on standby

26:19

and then I got called right and

26:22

we went into the court and there's like

26:25

20 of us right and

26:28

they know any early

26:30

stages of the X-Factor yeah

26:33

it was like that it was pre boot

26:36

camp yeah the

26:38

judge said to me are you ready

26:40

I'm ready I'm ready whenever

26:44

you're ready I'm ready

26:46

I'm ready are you

26:48

ready I'm ready I'm ready and

26:51

in the end the judges are ridiculous

26:53

we're getting nowhere go home you fool

26:56

you bloody in my seal you're

26:58

not afraid to be a juror you're not afraid to

27:00

be anything I was at

27:03

the time I was headed to repeat and

27:05

the bosses were really horrid

27:08

my bosses yeah hey they were worried about

27:11

everything so when I said like I got

27:13

to go on jury

27:15

service they were like I mean not

27:17

all of them were horrid but the ones that I was dealing

27:19

with at this time they were like

27:21

oh yeah no you

27:24

you need to get out of that and

27:26

I was like well I can't fucking

27:28

jury service and they were

27:30

like do you know what they said they said well you

27:33

need to tell them that you're the

27:35

editor of heat magazine and I said

27:37

listen this is jury service at the

27:39

fucking old baby this can't be fucking

27:41

anything they don't give a fuck I

27:43

said judges no no no they'll know

27:46

speak to our company lawyer and they'll

27:48

advise you on a letter to write

27:50

to get out of it right okay

27:52

the letter got me fucking nowhere and

27:55

they were so fucked up because I was I

27:57

was potentially out for three weeks They

28:00

were holding it against me, this is not good,

28:02

this doesn't reflect well on you. Well I had

28:04

to shut the publication down for three weeks. Yeah,

28:06

they were like, this isn't good, this doesn't reflect

28:08

well on you. I said, well what do you

28:10

want me to fucking do? This is jury service,

28:12

this is the fucking law we're dealing with here.

28:15

They don't care about this fucking, I mean it

28:17

probably didn't serve me well that I used to

28:19

say things like this fucking stupid magazine. Which

28:22

I used to say all the time, and they were

28:24

just like, you're the one getting paid loads of money

28:26

to run it, you silly cunt. You can't be going

28:29

around saying things like that. Yeah, but you're the one

28:31

to give me the job, you fucking idiot. Yeah, I

28:33

like it, they said don't talk about it like that.

28:35

And I was like, hey, it's my fucking magazine, I

28:37

can say what I want about it, right? It

28:40

is fucking stupid. Anyway,

28:43

I said, look, I'm fucking going. So

28:45

in the end I went, and after

28:48

a few days of sitting around in the old

28:50

bay, they go, right, you're called. And I go

28:52

into this courtroom and the judges sit there in

28:55

this big long hat, as they say in Withner

28:57

and I. Don't you've been awake

28:59

like that, this was more like a big

29:01

long hat. Right.

29:05

So the judges sat there in this long white

29:07

hat, and then

29:10

they were all stood in some

29:12

jury box, right? And then they

29:16

just call in the fucking defendants,

29:19

and all the defendants, and there's fucking loads

29:21

of them. There's 10 geezers, and all of

29:23

these geezers look proper naughty,

29:26

right? Fucking hell. I mean,

29:28

I'm not easily scared, I thought if one

29:30

of them jump out of the box, I

29:32

might have to fucking step forward and take

29:34

care of these guns. But I

29:36

was looking at them thinking, I don't fancy this,

29:38

there's 10 of them, and none of these jurors

29:41

look like they're going to back me up. Right.

29:43

And they were all dressed the same, and that's

29:45

when I realised, well, what I found out was,

29:48

this was, regarding an

29:50

incident, that had taken place

29:53

inside of a prison, and

29:55

all the people on trial were

29:58

current prisoners. They were already

30:01

guilty of other stuff. Yeah. And

30:03

then, the judge started asking

30:05

these sort of vague questions to filter us

30:07

out. So he was like, put your hand

30:09

up if any of you are in, or

30:12

ever have been, in the old bill. Right?

30:16

I was like, fucking as if. Right.

30:18

Then they were like, do you have

30:20

any relatives? Like, who have

30:22

been in the old bill? Cut

30:24

to put down that. They'd get, goes like, you can fuck

30:26

off. And, then there was

30:29

a couple of, have you ever been in

30:31

the prison service? Do you know anyone who's

30:33

in the prison service? So I,

30:35

being Britain's top journalist, started piecing it together,

30:37

and I thought, these cunts have done over

30:39

a prison warden. And that's what they were

30:41

on trial for. And,

30:43

so I thought about lying. They'd go, how dare,

30:45

my old dares in the prison service. But I

30:48

thought, no, I better not lie, I'm in the

30:50

old Bailey. Right? But

30:53

then, They got lie detectors everywhere. At the end

30:55

they were like, if you've got

30:57

any reason, why you

30:59

think, they never say, they was like, I don't

31:01

know, 15 of us lost. Have

31:04

you got any reason, why you cannot

31:06

be on this jury? Is

31:09

anyone on the editorial staff

31:11

of a celebrity gossip? Yeah,

31:13

that's one of the, the

31:16

leading celebrity claptrack, chittle tattle

31:18

periodicals. Because

31:20

this country, could not come to

31:22

tough enough, without the public, being

31:24

expected to loop without their chittle

31:27

tattle. Also,

31:29

you probably don't have the moral backbone required

31:31

to look at this case. So,

31:34

I was thinking, because they'd really put me

31:36

under a lot of pressure on my bosses.

31:38

They'd said, you gotta fucking get out of it and

31:40

tell them, that you run

31:42

a big business, and that you're

31:44

an essential employee, and blah blah

31:47

blah. Right? And that was

31:49

the other thing I was thinking, because I was

31:51

thinking to myself, cah, this magazine will fucking run

31:53

itself. They might even find it easier without me

31:55

here. But luckily, I didn't say that, because it

31:57

would have been like I was talking myself out.

32:00

of a job. I was like, yeah,

32:02

I'm just getting away most days. Which

32:05

was true. Because I was always

32:07

coming up with ideas and like to

32:09

be honest when you're working on a weekly

32:11

magazine it's much safer to just like have

32:13

a freaking set template and

32:15

just keep it going like a

32:17

machine every week with very minimal

32:20

variation and then just only think

32:22

about changing the cover. That's really

32:24

the way to do it. I

32:26

like podcasts really. I've had come in

32:28

with too many ideas. Why don't we

32:31

do this? Why don't we change that

32:33

section? I've had an idea. Let's do

32:35

an article on this. And

32:38

they were just like, oh fucking hell,

32:40

here he comes. Fucking Johnny ideas. Slowing

32:43

everything down, changing shit. Fucking

32:46

hell. So it's like, thank god, my team

32:48

were probably like, thank god. We've got a

32:50

good fucking scam going here. It

32:53

was like that. It was like that. And they were

32:55

like, and they were probably right

32:57

really. I mean, I was just like, if I'm

33:00

here, I might as well do something. I'm not

33:02

just going to fucking sit here, like signing off

33:04

fucking pages and then going out and maybe I

33:06

should, maybe now if I had a

33:08

job like that, I'd be more like that because

33:10

I'm a bit more just dressed. But I think

33:12

my team would probably like a conscop three weeks

33:15

of the old Bailey thing. Fuck for that. We

33:17

can fucking get this magazine out on time for

33:19

a change. And the

33:22

judge has gone, if you have a reason, put your

33:24

hand up now. So I'm thinking I'm going to do

33:26

it. They've briefed me what

33:28

I should say. I'm going to do it. But before I

33:30

can put my hand up, someone puts her hand up and

33:33

she tells some sob story

33:35

about how she cares. She's a

33:37

single parent. She cares for all

33:39

these children. The children, you

33:42

know, there is no way she can

33:44

afford childcare. She has no support network

33:46

to help her. She also has a

33:48

part time job to pay the bills

33:50

without that blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,

33:52

and she's crying. She's desperate. She's like,

33:55

this is like literally fucked everything for

33:57

me. And the judge is

33:59

pretty harsh. on her. He doesn't just go fair enough.

34:01

He pushes back and he goes, well, hold on a minute. Why

34:04

can't you apply for this sort of a

34:06

month of grant? And why can't you send

34:08

them to after school things? And he knows

34:10

everything about the options because he's heard every

34:12

excuse in the book, right? And he's pushing

34:14

back on her and she's practically sobbing. It's

34:16

really horrible. And in the end, he

34:19

goes, approach the fucking bench or whatever,

34:21

right? So she walks over and they

34:23

have a little combat. And in the

34:25

end, she goes, thanks very much. And he lets

34:27

her go. Right. And I

34:29

was like, fucking no, that was like pulling teeth. And

34:32

she had a really, I really believed her story. And

34:34

it was good. Yeah. And at that stage,

34:36

you're right. Anyone else? And of course,

34:39

he's like, I'm not fucking following that. He

34:41

really looked at it like that. He was

34:43

like someone in a pub who just knocked

34:45

out the biggest Yeah, the biggest bloke. And

34:47

then he looked at Rissa and go, anyone

34:49

else fancy their fucking chances? I'm

34:52

not, but my Adam's it. Are

34:54

you familiar with magazine? In

34:58

the whole country. Could

35:01

you let me go? I

35:05

don't want to be involved in the criminal

35:07

justice system. Will

35:10

Young is just announced a new UK tour

35:12

and I need to cover it. It's an

35:14

emergency or other. Fuck

35:18

that. I kept my hand down.

35:20

And then he goes, right. In

35:22

that case, I will read 12 names

35:24

now. If you are not

35:26

one of those names, fuck off.

35:29

And I'm like, I don't know how

35:31

I felt because I felt like at

35:33

work, they were almost like saying, we're

35:35

gonna look really dimly upon you if

35:37

you do this service, even though it

35:40

was a legal obligation. Like there was no way

35:42

out of it. But they were really guilty of

35:44

me. And also now and I

35:46

was like, I quite fancy fucking doing this time.

35:48

It looks like quite a moody one. This fucking

35:51

10 fucking well moody gears

35:53

is on trial. This is gonna be a

35:55

juicy case. Although I

35:57

don't want to belittle it because I do know some people

35:59

have gone on. jury service and it

36:01

has actually been quite traumatising so I don't want to

36:03

make a joke. Violence

36:06

or abuse or anything like that

36:08

is actually pretty disturbing so I

36:11

don't want to sort of go

36:13

oh yeah so but I was you know

36:15

obviously you're curious though right. We've both said

36:17

that we easily spend time in an orphan

36:20

prison. Yeah we do that no problem. We

36:22

do that as a series of deep dives

36:24

if we give someone to give us access

36:27

to a fort open prison. Have

36:31

you been in an orphan prison? If you're listening you've

36:33

been in an open prison. I'd love

36:35

to hear about it email us but you

36:38

do it anonymously anonymously because we'd like to

36:40

know what it's like. If you work in

36:42

warning you can get us in. Yeah.

36:44

Hit for 24 hours. 24 hours of

36:47

the loan from prison. It's okay we're podcasters

36:49

we're really in here. We're coming to

36:51

podcast can we have a boiler suit?

36:57

So I guess he didn't get rid of it.

36:59

He didn't really then I just went yeah I

37:01

just went back so that was my two three

37:03

days in the old bayley. Fucking

37:05

hell. Yeah yeah. Don't know

37:07

how we got onto that but it was

37:10

it was a superior warming scene which I've

37:12

been to and in actual fact that is

37:14

where I heard about the exploding rats because

37:17

when you go there if either

37:20

of us went to the imperial war museum it's

37:23

the sort of place that you come I mean

37:25

I went years before we started this podcast but

37:27

it's a sort of place you come

37:29

back with for this podcast like 20

37:31

episodes worth of content

37:34

because exploding rats loads

37:37

of spy shit like an unbelievable

37:39

amount of an old spy shit

37:41

where it was still like mechanical.

37:44

Do you know what I mean? Yeah cool spy shit. It was like weird

37:47

things that they did like spies in the

37:49

first world war you know literally

37:51

rolled it up notes in and

37:53

stuff it's it's a brilliant thing

37:55

it's brilliant. Write that down go

37:57

there but yeah I was going to see the old bayley he can go there.

38:00

and sit in the public gallery anytime

38:03

but there are also there are tours

38:05

on on saturday's when it's not sitting

38:07

and you can go everywhere in

38:10

all the courts and have a proper mooch about they're doing

38:12

that over the summer yeah might

38:14

be something to do if you're bored if you're near

38:16

london or in london yeah uh

38:19

finally just the end of turpets

38:21

uh turpets head obviously was

38:23

mounted on that uh wooden

38:26

thing and um the duke of

38:28

portland turned a couple of turpets

38:30

trotters into the handles of a

38:32

carvery set uh sheffield steel uh

38:34

sunk into a brass plate attached

38:37

to the pig's cloven hooves uh

38:39

so there you go and they

38:41

are also i believe in the

38:43

imperial war museum now i

38:47

just think blokes who do that are mental they're

38:49

like on the side of the psychopaths they

38:52

want to like i want to prove my

38:54

mastery over other species

38:56

it's like are you fucking insane

38:59

these creatures have got no fucking problem with

39:01

you and no one thinks

39:03

you're hard for fucking cutting off of

39:05

pig's trotters and turning them into cutlery

39:07

you're just a fucking weirdo yeah

39:12

but then again if you've risen

39:14

up to the height of military then we

39:17

got real weirdo in the first place yeah all

39:21

right well that's a turpets then um we didn't get

39:23

around to the mail bag but there's plenty of pig related stuff and

39:25

we'll have a bit of a look at that next week uh

39:28

we might give the pig odyssey a rest and

39:30

bring it back we've never brought an odyssey back before could do

39:33

that could be the first one that we ever we ever do

39:35

but we'll see we'll do some more next week though thank

39:37

you for listening and watch my

39:40

voice e

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