Hi, and welcome to another of my recaps of Game of Thrones. For any new readers, please note, I like to use nicknames. It’s hard keeping everyone straight when they’re all bearded brunettes with long hair or blonde siblings who like to shtup each other.

The episode open at the Wall, because WHERE ELSE IS IT GOING TO OPEN AFTER LAST EPISODE’S ENDING? Davos in shock by what he sees, Jon Snow breathing on the table. Jon is in even more shock than Davos. Smokey Vajayjay enters the room. She’s surprised too. That look on her face really drives home that she had 0% faith in her ability to bring Jon back. They ask Jon what he remembers. Smokey wants to know about the afterlife. Jon remembers being stabbed, but as for after death? He says it’s nothing, just nothingness. Jon actually does not seem relieved about being alive. He seems more confused about being back than happy about it. On a side note, this is the cleanest Jon has ever looked since Season 1, Episode 1.

Jon heads to the yard, where his brothers in the Black and the wildlings are assembled. They’re all shocked, though Tormund manages to get a good joke it. He says that everyone thinks Jon’s a god. Jon says that he isn’t one. Tormund gets the best lines of the episode with his response: “I know that. I saw your pecker. What kind of god would have a pecker so small?” Even Jon has to smile at that one.

The show cuts to a boat at sea. Sam and Gilly are on the boat. Sam is puking nonstop. Gilly is pretty upbeat, which is a total change from the books. I remember her crying her way through this whole boat trip in the books.  Gilly even tries to lighten the mood, making a joke about homophones. She’s seriously more upbeat than she was in the books. I like that. Sam wants to take her to Horn Hill, his family home. She’s having none of it though, insisting that she and the baby stay by his side, even though the Citadel doesn’t allow women. I love how assertive she is. Gilly on the show >>>>> Gilly in the books.

When the next scene started, all I could think was, “Great. More new people who all look alike.” But no, we’re in the past. It’s Young Ned with Howland Reed, Meera’s dad. They’re meeting with some Targareans. This happens after the Battle of the Trident. Holy crap, Ned’s there for his sister. Remember, the popular story in Westeros is that Rhaegar kidnapped Ned’s sister Lyanna, held her in a tower and raped here. However, popular fan theory, and if you read the books, it seems to be all but spelled out that Rhaegar and Lyanna were in love, married in secret, and Jon Snow is the product of that marriage.  Now, Rhaegar’s dead and Ned wants his sister back. Arthur Dayne and some other Targarean loyalists block Ned’s way. Arthur Dayne is known for his sword prowess, and he definitely shows it off here, fighting with two swords. Bran watches. Dayne holds off Ned and his men four to one, and even takes three of them down before it’s only he and Ned. He disarms Ned. But Howland Reed stabs Dayne in the back off his neck, allowing Ned to cut him down. A woman screams from the tower. Lyanna, obviously. Is she screaming in childbirth. Is Ned going to get up the steps just in time to see the birth of his nephew, whom Ned will tell people is his own bastard son?

Bran calls out father and Ned turns, but sees nothing. Bran wants to follow but the old Tree-man won’t let him. What a jerk! Back in the Tree-man’s lair, the Tree-man tells Bran, “You must learn.” Bran asks, “Learn what?” To which the Tree-man responds, “Everything,” but really is saying “Everything about Jon Snow so that the viewers and readers can finally have the facts straight about his background!” (edited for time).

Dany is taken to the where the Dosh Khaleen live. That dragon necklace of Dany’s looks like those wireless bluetooth headphone bases that I keep seeing people wear on the subway. How long before ThinkGeek sells an exclusive Game of Thrones wireless bluetooth headphone set?  Dany had to march here on foot. They wouldn’t rape her out of respect, but they also wouldn’t even give her a horse as they take her back to Dothraki Town.The old Khaleesis that make up the Dosh Khaleen aren’t as old as I thought they would be. I expected them to all have white hair and really look like old crones, but I guess since most Khals don’t make it to old age, their widows would be on the young side. They strip Dany of all her garments and jewelery and dress her in plain brown robes. The oldest widow, who is maybe 55 tops, gives Dany some real juice to drink up after Dany proclaims that she’s the mother of dragons, Queens of Mereen, yadda, yadda, yadda. The (sort of) old crone says all the women there thought their Khal was going to conquer the world with them at their sides, and Dany is no different. The lady has a point.

Over in Mereen, Varys meets with that prostitute who slit that Unsullied guy’s neck during the Sons of the Harpy uprising late last season.. Her name is Vala. She’s surprised he knows her name. She’s then even more surprised that Varys knows everything about her, down to her son having asthma. Varys bribes her with safe passage for her and her son out of Mereen in trade for information.

Tyrion, Missandei and Grey Worm are sitting around a table waiting for Varys and are having the most awkward time possible. Grey Worm is even worse at being a conversationalist than Tyrion is at being a warrior. You can tell none of them are enjoying this. Varys, come and save them! It gets to the point that Tyrion wants to play drinking games with them to get the pair of them to open up. They don’t drink. Of course. Varrrrrrryyyyysssssssss!

Varys enters with news. He found out who are funding the Sons. Surprise, surprise, it’s all of Dany’s enemies. Astapor, Yunkai, and…I forget the third city. Basically, it’s everyone with a beef with Dany who does not have the last name Lannister.

Varys’s former Little Birds in King’s Landing are now in the employ of Qyburn, who is meeting with all of them. The show has suddenly turned into Oliver Twist. I wonder which one is the Artful Dodger. Qyburn offers them candy, which somehow manages to make Qyburn, the Dr. Frankenstein of Westeros, even creepier.

The Mountain returns to Qyburn’s lab. The kids are shocked, which is 100% the right reaction to seeing a zombie in full plate armor. . Cersei and Jaime are with the Mountain. Cersei wants Qyburn’s Little Birds in Dorne, Highgarden and the North. If anyone is laughing at her after she was paraded naked through the streets, she wants to know. Cersei 2.0 is fiercer than ever.

At the small council, Grand Maester Pycelle is talking some serious trash on Qybrun and Mountain. He’s, of course, overheard when the Mountain, Cersei and Jaime walk in. You can almost see the exact moment when Pycelle poops his pants. Cersei and Grandpappy Pycelle snipe back and forth. Jaime wants revenge on Ellaria Sand and the Sand Snakes. Instead of manning up over the death of his grand-niece, Cersei’s uncle calls the meeting to a close.  I get that you want to be in charge, Uncle Kevan, and don’t appreciate Cersei storming in or Jaime announcing himself as having a seat on the council, but come on! They murdered the king’s sister! The king to whom you’re the Hand! What a pussy.

The High Septon is in the sept. Tommen enters and confronts him. Tommen finally stands up for himself. It’s kind of great that he’s finally showing some backbone. He wants Cersei to be able to see his sister’s final resting place. No dice. The High Septon says it’s not up to him, it’s up to the gods. This reminded me of the scene from season two of Silicon Valley when Russ Hanneman told his son, it wasn’t his call that it was his son’s bedtime, it was the robo-voice app announcing it. The High Septon gives Tommen a speech on the Mother’s love, just in time for Mother’s Day! Well played, Game of Thrones! The High Septon says of Tommen and Cersei, “There’s so much good in all of us. The best we can do is help each other bring it out.” By the end of the speech, I half expected Tommen to join the Faith Militant.

The show cuts to Stick training (read: beating) Arya. Half hertime is spent questioning Arya. The other half is spent beating her. Okay, it’s more like 48%/48%, because there’s a small bonus training of Arya sniffing different powders. One day in training (beating), Arya manages to make a block. Jaqen is happy. He ends the training (still read: beating) and pours Arya a bowl of death soup. She’s obviously hesitant about eating it. But she does. Instead of killing Arya, it gives her sight back. Jaqen asks, “Who are you?” A girl responds, “No one.”

I can’t be the only one who wants to constantly talk like Jaqen H’ghar is everyday life. “A man needs to catch up on writing Game of Thrones recaps.”

In Winterfell, Ramsey is consolidating his power. He meets with Lord Umber. Umber isn’t happy with Jon Snow letting Wildings south of the wall. He wants to kill Snow. Too late…Oh wait, never mind. Ramsey wants Lord Umber to bend a knee to him, to which Umber responds, “Fuck kneeling and fuck oaths. I have a gift for you.” Ramsey counters with, “I prefer redheads.” It’s actually two gifts: Rickon and Tonks! Ramsey wants to know how he can be sure it’s Rickon. Lord Umber’s men produced Rickon’s direwolf’s decapitated head.

Up at the Wall, Jon is sitting by his fire. Edd enters. “It’s time.” Time for what? Oh, time to kill the traitors. Jon asks them if they have any last words. One says, “You shouldn’t be alive. It’s not right.” Jon responds with, “Neither was killing me.” Ooooh, I call that a Snow Burn! Thorne is unrepentant. Thorne really is such a dick. He says even if he knew how it would turn out, he’d go back and kill Jon again. That kid looks more pissed than ever. I think I’m more happy with him dying than I am with Thorne dying. Jon hangs them all. For a second, it looked like he wouldn’t. I’m amazed there was any hesitation. Those dumb looks are finally off the kid’s face. Don’t forget to burn to the bodies! The last thing we need is that kid coming back as a sour-faced zombie. Edd agrees with me. Okay, so Jon hanging the traitors? Not a shock. But what comes next, Jon handing Edd his cloak and being like “Peace out?” That’s a shock! Double-you. Tee. Eff. “My watch has ended. Boom. Mic drop. Snow out. To be fair, he did serve until he died. But wow. Just wow.

Season 6 of Game of Thrones is totally the Jon Snow Show. He comes back from the dead. It looks like we’re finally going to get the truth about his parentage in these flashbacks of Bran’s. And now, Jon is quitting the Watch. Where’s he headed? Winterfell to avenge his family and kill Ramsey? Braavos to run into Arya? I’m guessing Arya will be heading out of Braavos on a mission for Jaqen soon. Will they encounter each other on the road? Will he meet Sansa as she heads north and he heads south? Will Davos and Smokey follow him? So many questions! Can you believe we’re already about 1/3 of the way through this season?!