0:00

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all

0:03

I know how to do. Great.

0:06

Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with...

0:08

Stories! Hit her in the face

0:10

with a surfboard. And then the

0:12

duck fell out of his bag! Ha ha

0:14

ha ha! Surf's up! And

0:17

she didn't even flush. Knock knock.

0:20

Who's there? Mark Norman

0:22

and Joe List! Yeah! It's

0:25

Tuesdays with Stories, everybody. Oh,

0:27

that's terrible. It's supposed to

0:29

be cheesy. My radio is

0:31

spitting at me. And

0:34

I can't choose my... Hey there, folks! We

0:39

are here, we're back, we're gay, we're

0:41

living life. Here we are. Yes. Up

0:44

on top of the Prudential Center in

0:47

fabulous Boston, Massachusetts. What do you think,

0:49

I get sent free clothes now? Sure. I would never

0:51

buy this. Me too. Yeah. It

0:53

looks nice. I'd wear that. It's

0:56

nice. It's not me. I feel like an accomplished

0:58

man would wear this. Yeah, you feel like you

1:01

ski and you have a business, you have a

1:03

startup. It looks like there's a bunch of people in

1:05

a circle and then you're talking to them. You're like,

1:07

we're gonna go inside, we're gonna go outside, I'm inside and outside

1:09

them, we're gonna get them in the room, we're gonna keep them

1:11

in the room. Yeah, I should have a cell phone on my

1:13

belt. Yes! I run a tile

1:15

company or whatever the hell. But if

1:18

I get clothes, I wear them. I like wearing a new thing.

1:21

I'll never wear this again, but it's new, so

1:23

I wear it once and then I never wear

1:25

it again. You know what you look like? You

1:28

look like you have Oakley sunglasses with the band

1:30

that comes across. Ah, the band. You look, yeah.

1:32

You gotta get the band back together. You're strapped

1:34

on sunglasses. Yeah, yeah. I'm out in Connecticut, I

1:36

got a schooner, maybe like an older BMW, like

1:38

a 90s one. That

1:41

sounds nice. I'm getting specific here.

1:44

But yeah, you wear clothes. I don't

1:46

know, I get sent stuff and I'm just

1:48

going with the same old shit. I haven't done laundry in

1:50

70 years. It's all over now. With

1:52

a baby, it's all out the

1:54

door. Everything's puked on, shit on, spit on, come

1:56

on. It's just a CSI over there. It's

1:59

a spectacular. little bit special victims unit

2:01

yeah i did drop off the laundry of

2:03

three bags of water that bag now and

2:05

then i'm like i didn't get the laundry

2:07

of awareness seventy eight don't put the baby

2:09

in there on accident you know spin

2:12

around in that been cycle i think it might like

2:14

that that they've got the perfect size for it now

2:16

i was just saying that my mother has a washer

2:18

dryer in the house and it's one of the ones

2:20

the window and you can watch it go oh

2:23

yeah i think it's like the baby's gonna

2:25

shit his pants when he sees this oh

2:27

yeah that's a good time like rain man

2:29

wall all my water my heat has been

2:31

out for like eight years we had that

2:33

too really just for a night but oh

2:35

it's been rough it's been a couple weeks

2:37

now so i emailed the guy and i

2:39

go hey i'm not paying now you have

2:41

to pay well we got heat but we don't have

2:43

we don't have a

2:46

gas whatever that is a baby's got

2:48

a lot of that yeah so

2:50

do the Nazis but that like the stove

2:52

won't turn on but the heat is coming out of

2:55

the furnace thank you

2:58

so he but no gas no

3:00

yet no flame uh so we got we

3:02

got air fryer cooking and we got a

3:04

slow cooker so now we're all electric like

3:06

musk but you

3:09

can't dry your clothes in the dryer in the basement

3:12

uh the whole building whole building

3:15

this is outrageous outrageous like i emailed the guy

3:17

he goes i'll knock off a couple bucks which

3:19

it took enough for me just email the guy so

3:22

i was like hey i won you think the whole

3:24

building would get together i know hey and then i

3:26

go how long they go we don't know like what

3:28

do you mean we don't know what does that mean

3:30

i have no idea so i think you know we're

3:32

making the move eventually but now you gotta wash your

3:35

clothes take them out and then walk to a dryer

3:37

like a lady a chinese lady exactly

3:39

so it's the whole thing it's the whole

3:42

to do where as you used to go

3:44

down there drop it off go up rub

3:46

one out watch golden girls go back in

3:48

flip it to the dryer go up watch

3:50

uh half of napoleon and then get it

3:52

out of there now i've said this before

3:54

and i'll say it again even if i

3:56

had a washer dryer right in my house

3:59

i think I can't be bothered to be

4:01

the the flip it in the flopping and put

4:03

a sheet in really thing in and a fucking

4:06

You gotta eat a tide pod now. I love

4:08

the type. I don't want to do any of

4:10

it I don't want to I don't know how

4:12

to fold my folds come out all fucked up

4:14

really yeah Bold

4:17

and fold all right well. I

4:19

don't know my the lady does that she brings it to

4:21

the Asian. I like the

4:23

downstairs Oh What

4:26

the quarters and everything you bring a stack of course

4:28

they do it they get the card machine, okay? So

4:30

you got to pay for the laundry anyway, but it's

4:32

like eight bucks Okay, you

4:34

go to the you go to Wuhan. It's 78.

4:37

Well. I don't know maybe I'm in Queens I don't know

4:39

I got nice people. I think it's the best deal in

4:41

New York Every

4:43

single piece of clothes washed

4:46

dried pressed folded smooth fold

4:48

good fold for like 16

4:51

bucks all my clothes I don't have a lot

4:53

of clothes obviously, but yeah 16 17 18 bucks

4:56

But this fucking stupid plastic cat

4:59

food dish of oatmeal half an

5:01

egg with 18 bucks Man-hand

5:04

sucks and you gotta move out of

5:06

Manhattan, but not to Brooklyn Moving

5:10

to Brooklyn makes me want to take my own life I

5:12

don't know what you're gonna string you up and show

5:15

you how gentrified I'm gonna walk in and just get

5:17

a bullhorn and go retool And

5:19

just get it out early they're gonna see you they're gonna be

5:21

put it's gonna be like the opening of What

5:25

you say earlier Napoleon Napoleon or the end

5:27

of Braveheart same film It's all the same

5:30

they're gonna throw in carrots at you and

5:32

Apple cores and banana peel freedom They're

5:35

gonna get me on the blue face. They're gonna think

5:37

it's blackface. They're gonna screw me over It's no good

5:40

get out of there, but anyways over there in Queens 15

5:42

bucks again all my clothes clean That's the deal I

5:45

get it now, but you still gotta leave the house

5:47

and then go pick it up That's what I don't

5:49

like is the leader leaving the house. Well. I'm now

5:51

the basement I am now I think I hate it

5:54

like I know but even in the basement You're still

5:56

leaving the apartment going to the basement true, but I

5:58

haven't hit I haven't hit outdoor

6:00

sky I got no no outdoor on me

6:02

I love outdoor sky that's the best guy

6:05

it's the only sky really never

6:07

the sky lounge or sky lark

6:09

but I miss flying yeah

6:12

really you don't hear that every day the lounge well travel

6:14

I like what you

6:16

there once you're in the air it's kind of

6:19

fun you fart you go you walk around that's

6:21

true but meal I had a weird thing yesterday

6:23

I was at Salt Lake City with Giannis he

6:25

went first class I

6:27

was in the back ouch meanwhile he's doing the

6:29

club I'm doing the theater and I'm still the

6:32

back that's because you're retarded I know retardation it's

6:34

like too late Jerry I think you can take

6:36

a different flight I mean you can fly private

6:38

if you wanted to well I gotta get back

6:41

you go back from the West I get home

6:43

at 9 in the night in the night West

6:45

to East I think you can suck

6:47

my asshole and spit it on my dick

6:49

it's the worst thing ever agreed you leave

6:51

at 3 30 a.m. you get home

6:54

at 7 p.m. the next night night where nightmare

6:56

yeah and then of course that we land the

6:58

honest waited for me which is a he's a

7:00

mensch and then he goes uh alright you want

7:02

to get home I go I'm hitting the lounge

7:05

he's like you hit the lounge on the way in I'm like you

7:07

damn right I am that's dinner ah

7:09

so then we split uh-huh but I always wear

7:11

the the play cuz you walk and then you

7:13

just go to different places anyways yeah I know

7:15

I was like you didn't have to wait what

7:17

are you doing that's a sweet he's a sweet

7:19

man I love you honest sweet Greek but boy

7:21

so let me get back to the clothes clothes

7:24

in the dryer ah the clothes so

7:27

I didn't know the the dryer shit was done cuz

7:29

you put it in there and it still spins there's

7:31

just no heat oh

7:34

yes spinning wet spinning wet

7:37

no I tangled

7:40

wet we spin I got the spinning wet I get

7:42

it out of there whoo I did my part a

7:45

that I'm all done my clothes are clean soaking

7:47

wet you go what the hell and I talked to

7:49

the super he's like yeah yeah there's no no heat

7:51

like a fuck that's

7:53

a terrible situation so I had to run

7:55

I bring it back upstairs and I go

7:57

alright I gotta run you know I'll just

8:00

let these dry out. I

8:02

didn't know you have to separate them.

8:04

I just got a big clump of

8:06

wet jizz in my living room just

8:08

collecting mold, mildew, and and queefs and

8:12

it got super moldy and the

8:14

wife's like hey you gotta you gotta go dry that

8:16

they're gonna you're gonna ruin these and I go ah

8:18

it'll be fine it'll be fine shut up woman and

8:20

then two days later I pull them out

8:22

they're dry but they smell like my

8:25

dad's shmegma. Oh

8:27

god the mold is beautiful. So

8:29

then I go to the

8:31

Chinese lady and I go hey you got

8:33

to redry these they they they dried it's

8:35

almost like a beer you know a cold

8:37

beer is great a hot

8:39

beer is not good but if you

8:42

get a hot beer and try to recold

8:44

it it's not good. No you can't recold.

8:46

Can't recold. But what's interesting is you could

8:48

take warm beer and make

8:51

it cold. You take cold beer and

8:53

make it warm that's true and then

8:56

make it cold it's bad. Yeah.

8:58

So you could stay warm all day

9:00

and then get cold. Yes.

9:02

That's good. But if it goes cold warm

9:04

cold it's bad. It's a very schizophrenic beverage.

9:07

Yeah I don't get it. It's all about

9:09

temperature Jerry I bet some we had Neil

9:11

deGrasse Anal here he could tell us the

9:13

whole physics on brewskis but who knows. Did

9:15

Conan with him did not smile once he

9:18

hated me. I could

9:20

see that. Yeah he didn't care for me. All

9:22

right. I think he's racist. He's a smart guy.

9:24

But not really. So

9:26

I bring it to the Chinese lady and I go

9:28

all right put this on superheat go

9:30

nuts really blast it you

9:32

know put it in the furnace put in

9:34

the incinerator I come back two hours later

9:37

she goes here you go there's a fortune

9:39

cookie on top there's a little cat doing

9:41

this for some reason. Always. And

9:43

then I go thank you I get it back home. Baby

9:46

smells worse. Oh you

9:48

want to eat shit.

9:51

It smells worse if you put catch it

9:53

on a on a on a hot plate.

9:55

It's going to smell worse. Of course. Heat

9:57

is bad for smell. Heat is bad. It's

10:00

like mold that you have on this I got

10:02

I got super heated warm mold It's

10:05

like in a hot tub like oh now I feel good

10:07

mold like kicked up Well think about if you took a

10:09

shit and put it in the microwave and put it 30

10:12

for high high for 30 I meant I do

10:14

it with my wife's cooking But so now

10:16

I don't want to I don't want her to

10:18

know she was right So I'm just putting

10:20

this shit on so I'm wearing a full wear

10:23

in a three-piece Moldy suit walking around town

10:25

if you're going oh I'm on the subway

10:27

It's like a like an old deodorant commercial

10:29

or I walk in there like what's

10:31

up with this guy? I'm gonna dumpster so

10:35

Now I'm wearing these new clothes because everything

10:37

I own smells like ass I really think

10:39

the sunglasses would go good. Yeah, I can't

10:42

do this I'm around like the breath the

10:44

hitman heart I can't and whether it's rather

10:46

rare strap-ons But so

10:48

yeah, I got I got moldy jizz all over

10:50

my clothes and Michael you up my closet It's

10:53

like it's like there's eight migrants living in there.

10:55

Oh boy. Yeah These

10:57

apartments New York apartment. We all got a

10:59

move we gotta get the hell out of

11:02

here It's a terrible place to be it's

11:04

not ideal and it's not normal We're really

11:06

punishing ourselves just for some restaurants and some

11:08

lights and a big tree and a Palestinian

11:11

protest Well everything was built in 1489 Yeah,

11:14

all candlelight and bullshit, but we just had

11:16

the same thing I take a shower at

11:19

night and and now everything is all these

11:21

you know the classic thing with the kid

11:23

all the Breaks are so

11:25

precious. You're like, I'm gonna go take

11:27

a hot. Yeah. Yeah have a nice

11:30

45 minutes in the shower and I hadn't showered

11:33

all day and it's like the end of the

11:35

night and I think I was going Somewhere

11:37

I can't remember but I'm gonna take a hot

11:40

shower and you just in the shower and it

11:42

just never warms up right you're like And

11:46

this bullshit of like, you know, I know Wim

11:48

Hof and Rogan and Yeah,

11:51

it's like but it's not fun when you want a

11:53

hot shower No, I love a hot show and then

11:55

you come out and I think that's the name of

11:57

your dry cleaner hot show I

12:00

come out and the heat doesn't work. I

12:05

got a baby. So all night I'm like

12:07

rubbing the baby, blowing on him,

12:09

putting a bag on his head to keep him warm. And

12:12

it's 48 degrees and you got to text the landlord

12:14

6 a.m. and you're like, hey, the heat is out

12:16

of debt. We just had this two weeks ago. And

12:19

that was the baby involved. So like, it's me. I'll

12:21

take it. But we got a toddler here.

12:23

Step on it. I know. You

12:25

got to sit on him and fart in his face to keep him warm.

12:27

Sure. And then he goes, OK, well, the plumber

12:30

will be over at 10 a.m. The

12:32

pilot's out or whatever. Then the

12:34

audience. The pilot is in

12:37

the audience. So then you get the baby,

12:39

trying to get the baby to fall asleep. It takes

12:41

an hour and a half. He's crying, whatever. He finally

12:43

falls asleep. And then as soon

12:45

as he closes his eyes, you hear, dong, dong.

12:49

The eyes shoot open. Sure. Plumber

12:51

guy comes. He's like, and he's one of these guys. He's

12:53

like a happy plumber. So he's coming up the stairs. Wow.

12:56

What is this, the 50s? And he's like, he's dragging his fucking bag. He's

12:58

got his wrench clank, clank, clank. He yells from down. I'm

13:00

not joking. He comes like, hey, up there. Two up.

13:02

Heard you got the file out. This is like a

13:05

plumber. Shut the fuck up. He's like a plumber in

13:07

a porno. Like, you see that. You go, no plumber's

13:09

that happy with the wrench slinging and the whistling. Well,

13:11

I wish he'd folded my ankles over my head and

13:13

plowed me. I'm

13:24

like, I'm sorry. I'm like, I'm sorry. I got a four week old baby.

13:26

He just fell asleep and he's like, oh yeah, gotcha. I'm just going to

13:28

go downstairs. Sounds like the pilot's out. I'll go ahead and I'm like, shut

13:31

the fuck up. Yeah. He goes

13:33

down there. He fixes it. And then I'm like,

13:35

I can hear the heat clicking on because heat

13:37

in New York or any apartment in

13:40

an old city, it's like it just

13:43

comes on all of a sudden. It's

13:45

warm. It's like this. Yes.

13:49

I'm like, okay. It's not like my dry cleaner. So

14:02

it comes back up so I'm like, I gotta go cut

14:04

him off with the pass. I know he's gonna whistle dixie

14:06

all the way up here. And sure

14:08

enough, my hero coming, he's like, hey,

14:11

I got it all lit up up there. I'll be right

14:13

up to check it. I'm like, shut

14:15

up. He's a piece of shit. I almost McAllister'd him. I wanted

14:17

to put a paint can on a rope and swing it down

14:19

and hit him. And he

14:21

comes up and I'm like, I'm like the baby. I got a baby. I'm

14:23

one of these guys now. I got a baby, you piece of

14:25

shit. And he's like, oh yeah, I got you. I forgot. I

14:27

forgot. And then he comes all the way up. I'm like, I'm

14:29

telling him, like, it's on. It's on. It's good. And

14:32

he goes, yeah, yeah, no. So yeah, so just don't take

14:34

a shower for 20 minutes. It's gotta heat up. And I'm

14:37

like, it's on. I don't need you anymore. Get the brick

14:39

out of here. And of course, the baby's up for half

14:41

an hour. I just

14:43

showed him pictures of plumbers and put the

14:45

plunger on his face and quieted him down.

14:49

But what was I gonna say? Something else?

14:51

Oh, and then Ron on that fucking pillow.

14:53

He's loud too. I love Ron on Joe

14:56

and Ron on Talk Movies. Best Pod going.

14:58

Check it out. It's the best. It's

15:00

the greatest. The numbers are through the roof. This

15:02

is everybody's favorite new podcast. There you go. Those

15:04

are all argued garbage lines. I don't

15:07

know if that was coming through. Anyway,

15:09

so he's feeling like a 7.30

15:11

AM flight. I'm awake

15:13

anyway. The baby's awake. It doesn't

15:15

matter. But I just hear this. Ron on talking.

15:18

I go, what the fuck

15:20

is this? I look out the little people. He's

15:25

texting while leaving the apartment and he's

15:27

just dragging his suitcase. Oh my God.

15:29

I'm like, pick up your suitcase. Pick

15:31

it up. Finish the checklist. What the

15:33

fuck? What

15:37

are you selling books on the road?

15:39

Your Bible salesman? I should have said

15:42

bricks. Brick is funnier

15:44

than book. Fuck. Anyway, yeah, he's

15:46

clanging down the thing. So every noise

15:48

now, which brings me to my next point, and I've

15:50

never had anything blow up like this in my life.

15:52

I gotta start thinking outside the box. Okay. I'm

15:56

over here doing an hour of

15:58

killer standup comedy. that's

16:00

no good that's out there but i i

16:03

got you know podcast we talk

16:05

about blowing our dad the neat and jen

16:08

that is the funniest they have ever heard

16:10

my life now all the laugh at that

16:12

comedy ten years straight i'd ever laugh so

16:15

hard my life we talked up on numbers

16:17

forty eight years ago yellow plateaued of over

16:19

here talking about more i'll break down a

16:21

movie and call run on a piece of

16:24

shit with the best of all the chair

16:26

that doesn't get anything i'm talking

16:28

mental health with a bunch of fucking

16:30

slow people going hey maybe a dad

16:32

touched ya yeah that don't do nothing

16:34

alright lot of effort i thought that

16:36

i'll write a film a feature film

16:39

i'll act right in it that

16:42

don't move the needle rotten tomatoes can

16:44

blow me yeah fuck

16:46

you tomato meter so

16:49

i got an old asshole

16:51

old cunt across

16:54

the street my house all of the day

16:56

no it's like what their i've got that

16:58

and i think maybe this serve it i'd

17:00

turn her husband he was a he had

17:03

a mask on a covid mask yeah the

17:05

Serbian flag all right i don't

17:07

know it's like a red and white checker could

17:09

be a red white checker okay thing whatever okay

17:12

every morning eight a.m.

17:15

no boy i did hear this

17:21

drone out there she

17:23

has a electric fucking

17:26

leaf blower uh... i've been a little bit

17:28

of a gram i've never had a blow

17:31

up i got i'm not kidding i got

17:33

seven hundred and fifty messages this piece of

17:35

shit you should really fucker my next special

17:38

is gonna be an old lady leaf blowing

17:40

while haha all joe list blowed leaves and

17:42

i'm gonna stand there while

17:44

someone blows leaves all over the town that's not

17:46

a lot of air but uh... she

17:49

blows lee first of all who has a leaf

17:51

blower in new york city another heard of that

17:53

for leaves well i wish she

17:55

would leave me alone yet that'll

17:59

get the pocket to the top of the

18:01

tower cook it she comes out and

18:03

she blows them to a

18:05

pile and then her fucking stupid joke

18:08

of icky and husband sweeps them into a thing

18:11

but she really wanted to kept it on and

18:13

just read right but

18:16

it's this the erratic

18:21

you can't tell what is happening 8 a.m.

18:26

I'm awake now I wake up at 4

18:28

30 a.m. I'm a fucking farmer sure but

18:31

still farmers you're sitting there with the baby

18:33

you're trying to whatever is that they're fucking

18:35

calm and he's sleeping you get a little

18:37

work done well

18:41

what do you do with this I go out there should I

18:43

kick her in the ass you don't think about doing is collecting

18:45

all the leaves of my side of the street and then just

18:47

putting them on her side of the street I

18:50

want you just gotta go out there do it again

18:52

like I know but it's worth it to me yes

18:54

her keep doing her fucking stupid leaf bullshit I know

18:56

go move to the sticks you want leaves

18:58

around you want to have a garden you want

19:00

to shovel and rake get the fuck out of

19:02

here well also I'm like you

19:05

live in an apartment I know leaf blower live

19:07

is it just on your living room like well is

19:10

it in the closet it's probably hanging on the wall

19:12

like a rifle they got it over the mantle I

19:14

guess but yeah these leaf blower people get a rake

19:17

go Amish or a bro whatever who gives a

19:19

fuck they're on your sidewalk it doesn't make sense

19:21

I know I know it's not even yours it's

19:23

city property yet that's what I don't get and

19:25

it goes all day and so I posted a

19:27

video just giving her the finger I'm like this

19:29

lady sucks I'm not kidding I've

19:31

never had anything get more of a

19:33

response ever in LA they made leaf

19:35

blowers illegal well I've heard my pal

19:37

Derek he's an engineer and he said

19:39

they're the worst thing because it's

19:42

the noise pollution they're horrible for the environment kick

19:44

up oil gas and fuel and all this stuff

19:46

it's like one of the worst things for the

19:48

environment and the noise pollution of course and

19:51

it's all just because you don't feel like raking

19:53

I guess yeah efficient job they're literally blowing

19:55

all over the place exactly there's nine leaves

19:57

I think it just gives her a purpose

20:00

This is my daily I water the plants I

20:02

jerk off and then I leaf blow it isn't eight

20:04

o'clock Is that not fucking egregious?

20:06

Well, that's what these people do. It's the same with the You

20:12

know, they got the construction guy out there with a jackhammer

20:14

at 7 a.m. Cuz they figure you go to work That's

20:17

what it is. So they're like, all right, the

20:19

people go to work. I'll knock this out It'll

20:21

be it'll be gravy, but isn't work nine to

20:23

five Well, that's a

20:25

whole nother bag of hammers Poop poop poo we

20:28

can get into that. But how come I get

20:30

on the road at 401

20:33

and people go it's rush hour. I'm like, well, aren't they

20:36

getting out at five? I

20:38

think that's strange I think the nine to five is

20:40

over because now in New York rush hour because some

20:42

people they can make their own schedule I think so

20:44

they go in from six to three Yeah,

20:48

I wish I Don't

20:51

know I guess they just leave early but

20:53

in New York, there's nine million people in the

20:55

fucking city So anytime a

20:57

day there's at least 750,000

21:00

people trying to leave and it did feel like like

21:02

I've only been doing comedy for 10 minutes But it

21:04

felt like when I started coming you'd go to a

21:06

cafe at noon. You were the only cunt in there

21:09

Well, I go at noon that the whole place

21:11

is filled with guns. I Know

21:14

it's all pipes and change but

21:17

I don't believe me I've been driving from

21:19

New York to Boston and back for 27 years

21:21

and you leave it anytime a day anytime

21:24

Sandy hook I always say the traffic is the worst

21:26

thing to happen there. It's it's a

21:28

real bummer but anyways that lady I don't know I'm

21:31

thinking about getting a BB gun or a Bullet

21:35

gun, you know BB. What does that mean BB? That's what

21:37

they go a little BB I mean,

21:39

I know that but what does BB mean? Where does it come from?

21:41

This is the word like camera But

21:43

this is the letters BB. No, it's B e B. E

21:47

No, I'm telling you give it a goog. I've

21:49

never seen it written B e B I've looked

21:51

this up and then it just

21:53

changed over there as much like donut

21:55

donut is do you G H and

21:57

you T? sounds like Gallagher

22:00

I know right you

22:02

MB. Yeah, what do you got on BB? Ball

22:06

bearing Ball

22:10

bearing that makes that's good. Yeah,

22:12

baby. That's good Good

22:14

call. Yeah, when did you look it up? Maybe

22:17

it was different when you looked it up Yeah,

22:19

it was the 40. It was a while ago.

22:21

They they ball bearing that makes sense for or

22:23

bullet ball It says it could be ball ball

22:26

ball. That's a fun sport. I think a movie

22:28

you see bullet ball It's worth the nigger killer

22:30

bullet ball is a good idea for a game

22:33

You know you play it's like basketball, but somebody

22:35

has a gun one guy gets a gun on

22:38

the court Yeah, and then you don't know who

22:40

it is though, and then you go for a

22:42

dunk and he shoots you the head There's an

22:44

NBA NRA Yeah,

22:47

National Bullet Association Okay,

22:50

now we're really solving Anyways,

22:52

I hate this lady. I want to throw eggs at

22:54

her I don't know what to do somebody said you

22:56

should glue leaves on the sidewalk. I would if I

22:59

like that I was thinking about getting just putting some

23:01

superglue on the handle so she can't let it go

23:03

She's stuck with it, but that's the whole

23:05

thing trickier. You got a break in the house Yeah,

23:08

you know what? I'm just killer at that

23:10

point. Oh, yeah, you're in the

23:12

house. Just shoot her well. Hopefully she dies

23:15

I don't know. I hope she died. I'm

23:17

not kidding. I'm out the door with all

23:19

the being nice I hope this lady passes

23:21

not nothing bad just like you know her

23:23

steps in her shoelace falls down the stairs

23:26

both hips shatter Maybe some brain injury bleeds

23:28

out. Yeah, serious Well, it makes you want

23:30

to do something that would piss her off and then go

23:32

all right. I'll stop if you stop Well,

23:34

you want to do the thing where you're like, okay, so you're up

23:36

at a well I'm up at one and then you want to go

23:39

out you want to go outside her apartment. Just go I Know

23:43

right get a gazoo, you know But

23:45

the problem is these people go eight is a normal

23:47

hour one is not we have some weird Social

23:50

construct with the the 7 a.m. To 10 p.m.

23:53

Something is just general Consideration

23:56

consideration and you're in New York City like there has to

23:58

be at least 700 people hearing

24:00

this of course of course it was in the truck

24:02

idle they did that are the better that that that

24:04

that that that that that that that that right near

24:07

at all and it did drive the crazy like it's

24:09

going to have been your data what episode someone probably

24:11

know from the that's going to go off the back

24:13

of a car you're going to hurt their result apartment

24:16

that felt pretty good yeah i don't want to

24:18

music right right yeah that is a little bit

24:20

every once in a while wake up in the

24:22

middle of night and think about like what that

24:24

guy had seen me only out of her bedroom

24:26

window like just forever they would know and

24:29

those guys don't fuck around no i was

24:31

never ever hear it was a truck driver this was

24:33

like a uh... listening to

24:35

hip-hop with the decals on the car

24:37

all i picked a big eighteen wheel

24:39

no no this is not taking a

24:41

teen wheel over the island like a

24:44

real ne'er do

24:46

well gotcha got one and one word

24:50

that but i think it will end

24:52

that up but uh... yeah

24:54

okay where you've been what you've been doing

24:56

it with something i don't know we did

24:58

something let me throw this in your pipe

25:00

and see if it's even i

25:03

had a couple of humdings i've been

25:06

selling tickets here and then not selling

25:08

tickets there right the market jerry they're

25:10

all over the road markets norm it's

25:13

yes boston market so uh...

25:16

i got santa rosa california a

25:19

all santa rosa that's what the big fire

25:22

is that right yeah and i don't want

25:24

to know what i was a little bit of a donut

25:26

i thought it was maui now

25:29

the old one couple years ago i wish i

25:31

would i would open it there was a huge

25:33

huge fires right if they do look at santa

25:35

rosa i think like twenty nineteen i would be

25:37

massive fire about that i

25:39

remember that they they always get the uh...

25:41

helicopter drop water you

25:44

know the plane always fun and everything to work

25:46

never doesn't and lick a good i think you

25:48

need a dead-end of the matter they didn't do

25:50

it i guess that santa

25:53

rosa was devastated by the two thousand

25:56

seventeen northern california wildfires which in the

25:58

city alone took nine lives

26:01

and destroyed 3043 homes devastated I could be devastated what

26:03

do you

26:09

mean devastated like they were hurt or

26:11

they were affected I think you mean

26:13

3000 home yeah 3000 was physically devastated

26:15

I'd say I didn't know you could

26:17

be physically devastated again

26:20

in September 2020 which may be what you're

26:22

thinking of the glass fire also impacted Santa

26:24

Rosa destroying another 34 homes a

26:27

damaging point three and

26:29

I don't know sounds like a bad 80s band

26:31

you gonna see glass fire so

26:35

I go to Santa Rosa by the

26:38

way it's called the Luther Burbank Center for

26:40

the Arts or something like that Luther

26:42

Burbank apparent was like a Gatsby in the in the

26:44

old days he was a botanist and he was just

26:47

having crazy sex parties in his mansion but

26:50

this is a hidden gem this is

26:53

like a weird California town it's a

26:55

wine country it's messy it's it's

26:57

all highway and open land what

27:01

a killer venue really well it sounds good

27:03

and bad you're like it's all highway but

27:05

then nice I don't want to live there

27:07

I'm saying the venue is regular yeah and

27:10

it's just beautiful George Carlin did his last

27:12

special there no that spot that

27:14

I'm it's bad for you yeah yeah

27:16

that was shot there that's how good wow

27:19

and I was like where's this place no one's

27:21

ever I saw about Denver and Phoenix and San

27:24

Francisco this place is killer I want to tape

27:26

something there Wow that's a great market those people

27:28

know their shit over there the what

27:31

do you call it Bay Area

27:33

is that Bay it's

27:35

the Bay Area is it all

27:37

right I mean that's where you're drawing people from the

27:40

bay I think you're right I think I could be

27:42

wrong you were just there I don't know I don't

27:44

know close it is yeah you're right I've landed in

27:46

SF yeah drove an hour and a half okay

27:49

okay there you go how many people are

27:51

very particular about Bay Area that's true hey

27:54

you're drawing that's the market yes yes the

27:56

game area

28:00

so great great venue

28:03

did it with Caleb sign and he's a killer

28:05

and then had the whole thing where

28:07

we rent a car got to give a shout out

28:09

to Enterprise Enterprises figured

28:11

it out I mean Enterprise we're

28:13

giving shout out to massive corporations

28:15

here well about it for McDonald's

28:19

there you go Starbucks but

28:21

hey Starbucks deserves a show and

28:23

they like the SB but I'm just saying you know

28:26

my rental car woes I go here you got

28:28

a wait in line you got to talk to

28:30

a guy it's a whole thing you got to

28:32

wait it's brutal this was like a

28:34

lady at a podium it's in the parking garage

28:36

you show up to the parking garage a lady's

28:38

in a podium and she goes what's your name

28:41

okay here's your key and I got in the

28:43

car oh I love that it was incredible when

28:45

it's good it's great that is the best was

28:47

that at SFO yes I mean you got to

28:49

do the shuttle we got to do the

28:51

shuttle to the good of the car but hey you got to

28:53

still got to get to the car you know if

28:56

they can invent a place that would just pick you

28:58

up like you know how you got the guy with

29:00

the black hat and the sign that says list yes

29:03

do that with rental cars but isn't that we'll

29:06

pick you up that was their whole thing really

29:09

there is that place what's we'll pick you up

29:11

car rental will pick hurts or Avis River Avis

29:13

we'll pick you up oh yeah that's vague I'm

29:15

good that's the why they would do that like

29:17

at your house if you wanted to rent a

29:19

car from your apartment they come pick you up

29:21

I don't know they still do that Wow OJ

29:24

Simpson hey

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this is from the enterprise website uh... says

33:31

will enterprise pick me up yes are

33:33

free pickup services available at non airport

33:35

location i had a ride enterprise will

33:37

pick you up during normal business hours

33:40

how about that you know that was

33:42

a big thing will pick me up

33:44

from the airport about that and i'm

33:46

airport but i

33:48

don't go out of their ability to your

33:50

car you know you know you get the

33:52

driver guy with the hat the you know

33:54

the uh... lloyd christmas joker area pick you

33:57

up take it up on the house house

33:59

mhm of enterprise media there i like it

34:01

you get picked up you go to the

34:03

one home you fuck them you

34:05

still there tv and then you get an

34:08

enterprise while i will read your record card

34:10

it's good that nothing it's like all travel

34:12

to the microcosm it's a

34:14

nightmare to knowing but once you have

34:16

that car you've driven off the law

34:18

and you put the little paper up

34:20

in the visor you find to get

34:22

the mirrors adjusted it yeah

34:26

go your little leaf blower yes i mean don't

34:28

get me wrong i hit sf

34:30

traffic immediately and i was like i'm gonna go

34:33

to the hotel check in jerk off take a

34:35

shower had to go straight to the gig is

34:37

all the sf traffic so get

34:39

to the gig killer gig we go

34:42

out we get drunk with the entire

34:44

staff of this venue wow

34:46

yeah and it was like old time i

34:48

used to do that with the clubs i

34:50

just say you never hear about that with

34:52

a theater i know i didn't know there

34:54

was a staff at a theater well these

34:56

are pot smoking bay area weirdos they're all

34:58

fun loving and dreadlocky and they got a

35:00

hemp shit going so we go

35:02

out to this random bar so i do it

35:04

move on stage so buckle up if uh you're

35:06

not you don't want to hear this but i

35:08

go what bar are we going to everybody goes

35:10

hooley o's my mom's house

35:13

jenny's or whatever uh title

35:16

wave and i go a podcast by the

35:18

way yeah i'm like we're going to title

35:20

wave let's do it everybody goes whoo title

35:22

waves the title wave gets a giant wave

35:25

of drunks from my show and then i

35:27

go to dave and busters over

35:29

here oh that's a good move yeah yeah

35:31

i feel bad for the people but i

35:33

know i get a lot

35:35

of messages like we're at title wave we're getting

35:37

you know they'll turn the camera on it's all

35:39

these people like whoo comedy not a sea of

35:41

people i've been that guy by the way st

35:44

patrick's day 2009 going i don't see it you're

35:46

like i just walked in i'm

35:48

like i'm standing on the bar i'm on the shoulders

35:50

you're like i'm in here somewhere that went

35:52

on for about two hours i'm not getting i don't

35:54

recall it yeah uh so i'm

35:57

now i go to dave and

35:59

busters They

36:01

were hip to me. The whole place is full of

36:03

the whole show's there. Were they

36:05

going to see you or they just happened to go

36:07

to Dave and Buster's? No, they were at my show

36:09

then they went to Dave and Buster's. I guess because

36:11

they were like, fuck Tidal Wave, that place sucks. And

36:13

then I show up at Dave's and the whole place

36:15

is full of the show and I got a headlock,

36:17

I got a nuggy, I got a credit card swipe.

36:20

So, did a lot of shots, a

36:23

lot of unwanted drinks, but I felt bad

36:25

so I took them down, took a lot

36:27

of photos. They whisked me

36:29

into a little corner and I just talked to

36:31

the staff and they shit on about eight comics

36:33

for the whole night. It was great. Let me

36:36

know after. I will, I will. One is in

36:38

some hot water right now. He got trashed. Oh

36:40

really? Yeah. I don't know who's in hot water.

36:42

Well, Matthew Perry. But, yeah,

36:47

so we got way too drunk then drunk drove

36:49

home back to the hotel. You know that thing

36:51

where you check in at four? In

36:54

the hotel. Yeah, you know, you're like, hey,

36:57

I'm here. I got my suitcase. I'm parked

36:59

on six parking spots and

37:01

I'm like, hey, I'm here to check in. Bark Norman.

37:03

You take your wallet out, you drop it, you burp

37:06

on the lady and then you check in and then

37:08

you have to leave at 11. Yeah,

37:11

that's annoying. Yeah, but that's, you know, it's on me.

37:13

What are you going to do? Yeah. So

37:16

you wake up, you're hungover, me and Caleb jump

37:18

in the car. We drive

37:20

to Sacramento. Sactown, the Bay

37:22

Area and back down. Oh,

37:25

yeah. The Crest

37:27

Theater, two shows. Wow.

37:29

Great time. Killer, killer room.

37:33

Had the kid filming me. Didn't get

37:35

one lick of footage. What

37:37

do you have, sallicews out there? Was it the sun? No,

37:40

it was on me. I just couldn't think of anything. You ever

37:42

have that where they're like, George Santos. And I'm like, that

37:45

guy lies. Oh,

37:47

yeah. What do you got over here? You know,

37:49

I was off. I want to do a whole

37:51

special like that where I do cry work and

37:53

just make a conversation about the place. Yeah. Where

37:56

are you from? Louisville, Muhammad Ali. there

38:00

yeah and then you move on I

38:02

just did that for 20 minutes at Grove 34 I'm gonna

38:05

release the whole thing I'm like here you

38:07

go there's your crowd work that's the anti-galate

38:09

where you from I'm from Florida oh well

38:11

the Florida Panthers sunshine state there you go

38:13

all right good work

38:15

Queen yeah that was me that happens

38:18

I mean you know to me it's

38:20

like that's pretty good it's fun I

38:22

guess you know

38:25

we'll hang out with chat and then you see the

38:27

guy later is like I was the Florida guy you

38:29

know he always get that guy but yeah

38:31

great time and Sacramento is a great little

38:33

town yeah I haven't explored Sacramento too much

38:35

I've done the club a couple times we

38:37

did it of course a bunch of go

38:39

with the Rosa yeah that was fun 2010

38:42

what a wild weekend that way we just drank

38:44

all day swam in the pool did

38:47

shows drank all night we

38:49

couldn't find it couldn't find the titty we're just

38:52

walking on the highways pre-phone really yeah I got

38:54

some great photos that I was on my way

38:56

to Peru went to Peru oh yeah and then

38:58

we tried to get to Rosa fuck all these

39:00

women we saw piranha or something like that piranha

39:02

the movie yeah with the tits piranha 3d DeRosa

39:04

loved it we thought he was stupid though we

39:06

went to like Cheesecake Factory we hooked him up

39:08

with that old bag yeah he kept trying the

39:11

old bag was like a 68 year old woman

39:13

she was like get out of here I

39:15

need a older man with shoulders

39:18

yeah I need a shoulder

39:20

cry on DeRosa

39:22

is such a nut we're sitting there with him we're

39:24

like hey look at that hot old lady she's got

39:26

to be 88 and he was like really think she's

39:28

how we're like gosh she's so sexy the old women

39:30

give the best head all this shit he's like really

39:33

you think so I'm like I dare you to go ask her

39:35

out and he was like we convinced him and

39:37

he got up and asked her out I've always been blown

39:39

away by those people that are just walk up to women

39:42

and say hey do you want to go out with me

39:44

you never did that maybe

39:46

drunk late in the night a couple

39:48

times yeah I have a lot of

39:50

alcohol they say story but Derek's

39:53

wedding is wife's friend the beginning

39:55

we was at one of these destination there

39:57

for the week kind of thing you're there

39:59

for day through sunday and

40:01

uh... we've got any friends i want to talk

40:03

to friend i don't care if you like we're

40:05

fatter growth for the braces or she's a child

40:08

yes you have one single friend i'd

40:10

matter i wasn't in the world like

40:12

yuck not mike all that bad yeah

40:15

well you know i just wasn't by that and

40:17

i'll hang with the boy here but all the

40:19

bodies all the bodyboard and

40:21

then uh... three of the five-day kept

40:23

the interview a so nice to see

40:25

okay take care come here and

40:28

then at the reception the after party

40:30

is like the wedding that the role

40:32

after that when it's one of the

40:34

debauchery really kicked up well it's four

40:36

a m the lights come up it's

40:38

broad daylight now last minute eleven-th hour

40:40

and i walk up to erica my

40:42

my friend i think it's

40:45

too late to make a move when your friend issues uh...

40:49

but i thought i'd have to ask yeah but

40:51

it was like one of those things where like

40:53

all of a sudden you're horny of course is

40:55

that person and it's at the buzzer you know

40:57

it's like the last call we look around you're

40:59

like oh boy there's a couple of linebackers in

41:02

here but uh... this is it i gotta make

41:04

the move well that's the thing i never had

41:06

the uh... i would always i never want to

41:08

get turned down of course you

41:10

know i would just always go like a

41:12

nice to meet you and i would just

41:14

be like a body yeah the last method

41:17

three hours of being buddies of the like

41:19

when it's funny if we fucked she's like

41:22

funny yeah they like it's alright there

41:24

but and uh... i'd really

41:26

need the woman to make a make the

41:28

moves it's really hard it's a lot of

41:30

work it takes a lot of hours lot

41:32

alike put time in and guys call it

41:34

you know that's why the gays are really

41:37

happy people unbelievable the gays they just go

41:39

and suck each other off and then keep

41:41

it moving they put their dick through a

41:43

hole in a brick wall at a rest

41:45

area they get it sucked they get back

41:47

in the car and they go to the

41:50

share concert yeah and there's no me

41:52

too it or anything now i don't know

41:54

how nice to meet you you're handsome would you want

41:56

to suck me off and if the guy doesn't want to

41:58

be like that now i can't Yeah, all right.

42:00

Take care. Well, it's a fascinating Thing

42:04

because women like fucking they like sex

42:07

But they have to have so much prep and I get

42:09

it like they can get pregnant They can get a you

42:11

know, a bad guy a mean guy an aggressive

42:13

guy So there is that

42:15

but it's almost a sucks for them

42:18

that they can't enjoy just immediately fucking

42:20

someone Right, you can't enjoy that. So

42:22

that actually makes their life worse Yeah,

42:25

it's hard and well, I'm sure they got a

42:27

lot of clingery people to know We

42:29

and all that goes out there and the one thing

42:31

you don't want to get is pregnant I can tell

42:33

you that but yeah, I would not want a kid

42:36

But yeah, I was those were

42:38

tight sometimes even when women really put it out

42:40

there. I still was like, ah, really? Yeah

42:44

Crippling self-esteem back in those

42:46

days. Yeah, I really Kill

42:49

it. Well, you ever have this one you

42:51

ever the girl like after a couple hours She's like hey,

42:53

you know why I've been waiting for you to come talk

42:56

to me and you're like how on earth would I know?

42:58

Right, how would I have that knowledge? Tell

43:01

it tell a girl to come up and go my

43:03

friend likes you then I'll do everything

43:05

else I love that I needed that loved

43:07

very rarely got it. Well,

43:09

it's no surprise Why there's all

43:11

these problems with the dating world. It's like You

43:14

got to know what the woman wants And

43:17

then you got to take a shot But if you take a shot

43:20

and she didn't want it then you're an asshole It

43:22

but she won't tell you what she wants. You

43:24

have to figure it out. It's all very vague

43:26

and wacky Just tell me man. I'll be that's

43:28

why DMS. I didn't have the DMS Lip

43:34

yeah, love Now

43:36

it's different. I mean Chuck's got 11 women

43:38

on exactly. I mean it's crazy That's how

43:40

easy it is anybody good ghoul could do

43:42

it, but it it's

43:45

women's day I've talked to him about this thing.

43:47

Oh, well, we don't get rejected. You're like, but

43:49

neither do we right? Well, how come your feelings

43:51

of getting rejected are are more valid

43:54

than mine and they go well, you're the guy I'm like,

43:56

I said feelings, but I guess you know, no one cares

43:58

about them. Yeah, I just know I never

44:00

thought anybody wanted to fuck me. No,

44:02

same. And it turns out many did.

44:05

Really? Many strong. Hey, I

44:07

had sex with 39 women. That's

44:09

not bad. Whoa. That's not

44:11

bad. Not bad at all. I mean,

44:13

you've got to consider I've been in a relationship

44:15

for 13 years and I was in two other

44:17

two-year relationships. That's 17. Yep.

44:21

And I've only been an adult for 22 years. That's

44:24

not bad. Who is the best? Oh, right. That's

44:27

tough. I mean, best is

44:29

tough because it's like the hottest. Yeah,

44:32

who got you going? They really get you goat. Well,

44:34

yeah, I mean, we could have to

44:37

talk off air. But there's a couple

44:39

dudes who really did something nice for

44:41

me. But yeah, some people, different strokes

44:43

for different folks. Some people would suck

44:45

your dick with twisting the head. A

44:48

head twist. Oh, yeah. Love a head twist.

44:51

That is top notch. Yeah.

44:53

The twisty head, the twisty. Because

44:56

some people, they love sucking dick.

44:58

Yeah, guilty. But you

45:00

know, it's a very...well, if you're good at

45:02

something, I think we want to let you

45:05

know they're good at it. Yeah, you got to do it. So,

45:08

but anywho, sorry, it's

45:10

sex. Yeah, but

45:13

flying back from sack, you

45:15

ever look at the clock, you go, meh, meh,

45:18

meh, meh, I hit the alarm. It's

45:20

8 a.m. I pack my shit up.

45:22

You get to the air. You got to return the rental

45:24

car. By the way,

45:26

don't ever get the prepaid gas. No,

45:28

of course. The biggest side is bad ever. I've

45:30

fucked up. I'm really not talking about this. Unless

45:32

you push it in on empty. We've had this

45:34

exact conversation. I have pushed it in. We've had

45:36

this same exact conversation. We'll move

45:38

on. Unless you put it in neutral and

45:41

push it in, I'm fucking you out of

45:43

money. Yes. I looked at the gas when

45:45

he...you know, they always give you that email

45:47

at the end that you never look at.

45:50

I looked at it. Ninety-two dollars for

45:52

the prepaid gas. Oh, because California.

45:56

I guess so. What, you're renting an SUV? No,

45:58

I got to...I got to... tank.

46:00

No, I got a I got a Nissan

46:02

whatever, but the guy

46:04

was nice enough because I brought it back in. I'm

46:07

trying to like hit the gas during driving just to

46:09

use it all, you know, to make my money's worth.

46:11

I've done the same thing. Yeah,

46:13

I'm fully getting out of parking lots and

46:15

stuff. So I bring it

46:17

in and it's half full, like literally right

46:20

on noon, right on that 12 in the

46:22

middle, and the guy goes, you

46:24

paid for a full tank. I'll

46:26

just charge you for half a one.

46:29

So whatever, $45. That's nice. But I

46:32

realized we got the live nation shell

46:34

cards. I could have

46:36

filled it up for free. I've done the

46:38

same thing. I've driven to DC and back.

46:40

I gotta sell it to somebody. Yeah. Because

46:42

I don't, I've never drive it. And now

46:44

every time I'm driving I see a shell

46:46

station. That's hard to say. Shell station. She

46:48

sees a shell station. At the seashore. But

46:51

anyway, I keep seeing it and I'm like,

46:53

fuck, I have it. And then someone else gave me a shell

46:56

card. Yeah. So I got two shells. Yeah.

46:58

I don't

47:00

know. I'm out of my way.

47:02

Yeah. Shell B. Aha. R.I.P.

47:08

Shell A. All right. So the

47:11

shell cards though, a lot of the folks

47:13

at home know, but Live Nation has been

47:15

raping everyone on ticket prices and fees and surcharges.

47:18

So I think they feel bad. So they're

47:20

giving all these comics shell cards, like 250

47:22

bucks for shell. Yeah. Like a gift card.

47:24

I'm trying to shell mine. Yeah. And well,

47:26

you're a little shellfish, but I

47:30

can't find a shell to save my life. So

47:33

I'm going out of the way. I'm spending 20 bucks in

47:35

gas to find a shell, but it's the whole thing. That's

47:37

what's hard about it. It's a, that's a weird, it's like,

47:39

it's like someone giving you a Super Bowl ticket. It's like

47:41

a stand. He's like, you can be a bill. You can

47:44

hand me a shell card. It's like

47:46

a, it's like just living on my mind.

47:48

Yeah. And I'm like, just give me 250

47:50

bucks. I'm grateful. I understand. Everyone's

47:52

gonna write to us. And

47:54

we're grateful. But you got a gift card

47:57

to shell gas station. And again, I only

47:59

drive. once every three months. It's

48:03

object impermanence. I have to tape the shell

48:05

card on my door. Because you're never leaving

48:07

the house thinking like, okay, do I have

48:09

any gift cards that I'm going to need?

48:11

Yes, I mean, we're a corporate shell. All

48:14

right, shell Silverstein. But yeah, so

48:17

got there, but my point is you get

48:19

the 8am wake up call, you return the

48:22

rental car, you get on the shuttle, you

48:24

get to the airport, you

48:27

fly to Salt Lake City to connect Salt

48:30

Lake City in the back of the

48:32

plane to JFK. I look at

48:34

my watch. Oh, God, it's

48:36

930 New York time. Then

48:40

you get home from JFK. Now it's 1030. And

48:42

you're like, man, that whole day is gone. I

48:44

did nothing that whole day. And I got up

48:47

at eight California time.

48:49

I know. And now I'm here at 1030 New York.

48:51

It's the whole country. That's why

48:53

you got to really try to enjoy the film

48:55

you're watching on the plane or read a

48:58

book or send an email or write a joke.

49:00

Because otherwise you're like, what the hell did I

49:02

just do? I know. I know. Well, luckily Delta

49:05

throws you the free Wi-Fi now. That's

49:07

nice. That's big. So you can kind of

49:09

get some emails done or post a clip, whatever the

49:11

fuck. But I just had that. It was a rainy

49:13

weekend. I had the weekend up Saturday, Sunday off. It's

49:16

rainy. Sunday was a washout. And

49:19

then you got a baby. You got to watch the baby. So

49:21

you're just like, I didn't do

49:23

anything. I was in my house for

49:26

50 hours straight. Well, you kept a baby alive. Yeah,

49:28

I did that. I mean, you go for a walk

49:30

and I'm enjoying the baby. But in

49:32

the old days, by that

49:34

I mean six weeks ago, on

49:36

a Saturday Sunday, it's like I

49:39

flew to Minnesota. I rented a bike. I

49:41

rode a bike all over the city. I

49:43

went to two museums. I went hiking. I

49:45

cheated on my wife with a boy. You

49:47

know what I mean? I went and relapsed.

49:49

I did four shows. You do a meet

49:51

and greet. I met 3,000 people. I fly

49:53

back. And it feels like two

49:55

years have passed. Right. Now

49:58

it's like it's all meshed into one. one

50:00

mashed potato of the day and i don't have

50:02

any five hours of football but i got a

50:04

table by friday night and i had a very

50:06

best night of my whole life for because

50:09

everything now is really like war all

50:11

the uh... all but

50:15

uh... so friday night i got growth

50:17

thirty four which is a god send

50:19

love the thirty four this is the

50:21

best thing that ever happened in my

50:23

life best comedy club in the city

50:25

i say while at the little much

50:28

i felt that the night room and good good

50:30

staff over there well i'm telling i mean that

50:32

you would the seller can you just go to

50:35

the country hey can i do an hour and

50:37

you give me the money and i book whoever

50:39

i want now now you can't you

50:41

can't do it there and that

50:43

the uh... seller is it just people

50:46

that came directly to see you know

50:48

they want to see that i got

50:50

again that whoever all great coming they

50:52

have johnson and uh... biblical history so

50:56

that we have

50:59

is that there any more v comments but

51:01

in a hundred percent of thehedral there

51:05

maybe the the local opz several

51:09

enny the

51:12

pump lower

51:17

or little

51:22

the i

51:24

think we know that gal that

51:27

that that them that

51:30

no towers that or

51:33

that that you stand up still he's out

51:35

l.a. doing so it's ok yeah what

51:38

was that was quite a little your buddies that

51:40

more i think neil's as they quit i think

51:42

he's writing uh... you select that

51:44

can be a funny guy that

51:46

he was down newman

51:50

and the i don't know i think is

51:53

the uh...

51:55

i think that the blue so friday

51:57

night mackerel thirty four anyway that it's

51:59

the best club it's run by comics

52:01

it rules and uh... i thought of

52:03

five blocks my house which is nice

52:05

yes that i have the that adds

52:08

to this uh... live the the the

52:10

law but you got the smoke cigars

52:12

in there all that right drink

52:14

for free yet but hookers back on dot

52:16

that is a lot of benefits they are

52:18

at work that they don't have at the

52:20

stand-sell free m&m's as well there you

52:22

go that tv back there only green with

52:24

the tv yes yes they take the shows

52:27

that you give it to you they'll make

52:29

real for you yet good point uh...

52:31

so i don't know what the real story out

52:33

so there's a lot of time going on there

52:35

and you could even be like i have to

52:37

do a four p m show can do a

52:39

one p m show they'll really work with you

52:41

yeah so anyways i

52:44

love them i love growth thirty four sarah scharder

52:46

special they're getting excited about that that's gonna be

52:48

fun so friday night i got the

52:50

seven p show so many and

52:53

uh... a real good and ninety uh...

52:56

now we got a bumper so she takes that

52:58

i got a one-year-old me at the ninety and

53:00

i say ok great all the seven i'll come

53:03

back really different baby when you

53:05

go over there to the show they

53:07

go and take the back again now

53:09

we're talking so i get uh... our

53:11

pal karen fean on the show past

53:13

guest share a tree on jillis feet

53:15

one of our favorite feet and and

53:17

so i go ahead come to the

53:20

show you come early see the baby

53:22

will hang out yes and uh... level

53:24

family hang i got shavone shavone below

53:26

and that bulge love shavone so he's

53:28

on the show so we're

53:30

hanging out at the at the rainy night and so

53:33

are a payment gallon mmm

53:35

karen comes over she's late

53:37

but she gets there at pouring rain she comes

53:40

up i read it's raining so with the hangout

53:42

unlike are with leave it to make the get

53:45

the baby gets my wife despite if

53:48

you bang bang so we hang out for a

53:50

few minutes ago i we gotta get over there so i think

53:52

that you're on the second show i've got a

53:54

spot we get text i get text

53:56

from a dream says uh... hey you got

53:58

the uh... guys number growth thirty four Oh

54:00

boy. So I go, yeah,

54:03

here you go. Next thing you know, old

54:05

Jed's a millionaire. Sarah and Karen get the

54:07

text. Hey, could you guys co-headline? Ohhh. Adrian,

54:11

flight death delay, or whatever. Oh no.

54:13

So now they're the show. So now

54:15

it's like a big night. They're hosting

54:17

the show, whatever. So, Phoebe

54:19

and I, I'm like, we'll walk to

54:21

Grove 34, do the show. After Karen's

54:23

set, you come back here, hang with

54:26

Sarah and the baby. I'll do my

54:28

show. I'll shoot back. I'll tag you

54:30

two back. You two go back over.

54:32

Holy hell, this is a real musical

54:35

chair. Quite a musical chair. So, Phoebe,

54:37

now you know Phoebe, she's upper

54:39

crush. She makes a lot of

54:41

cash. She wears designer. She takes

54:43

lifts everywhere. You got that right.

54:45

What do you call it? A

54:47

high maintenance? No, high society. Yes.

54:50

This girl, she knows how to live. Oh,

54:53

she lives well. So I go, eh, we'll

54:55

just walk over. It's a few blocks. Unbeknownst

54:58

to me, it's pouring

55:00

rain. Ahhh. And so I

55:02

don't have an umbrella. I go, I got no umbrella. We'll

55:04

just walk. We'll get a little wet. We walk out there.

55:06

I don't realize, because she just arrived. I've

55:09

been inside for 48 hours with a baby. It's

55:11

like a downpour. So I

55:13

feel responsible. I'm like, oh, thanks for opening

55:16

for me. I'll give you 10 bucks and

55:18

whatever. We start walking. It's like,

55:21

whoosh. It's whipping in sideways

55:23

like Braveheart rain. Anti-am, it's a twister.

55:25

And so, you know, I throw her

55:27

on my back. I'm carrying her. I

55:29

put a rain jacket over her tits.

55:31

Oh, yeah. We get over there.

55:33

We're soaked like the shoe slosh where you step

55:35

in the water coming out the socks. I'm like,

55:37

I'm just apologizing profusely. I feel terrible. We should

55:40

take a lift. I suck. Packed

55:42

house. We go in the back. I

55:44

got my boy Lex filming. It's all

55:46

going to be on Punch Up Live,

55:48

the new thing. Hell, yeah. It's going

55:50

to be something. Maybe. We go

55:53

back there. Packed crowd. Bunch

55:55

of Tuesgays. Hottest crowd ever.

55:57

They showed up in the

55:59

Katrina. and the down pat salute lee

56:01

and we're back there goofing around karen

56:03

and i are a plate of the

56:05

camera here should vote just getting like

56:07

bring the pain while and

56:09

word that they think he's been that

56:12

i looked at it when all that

56:14

they like motherfucking can't be shopping whatever

56:17

he killed the and murders

56:20

she comes off i go go it's going to

56:22

hang out with their baby she goes of course

56:24

what do you think about what you you think

56:26

the shit i said alright that's why i love

56:28

you fucking douchebag she leaves i go out at

56:30

the fed of my life uh... ever come in

56:32

it's not about the first that and then they

56:34

had that

56:36

that's right for ron on the night for a

56:38

growth thirty four or open for the career is

56:41

blowing well you know we will be right a

56:43

that i heard a uh...

56:45

the guest but uh... the

56:47

baby which felt a little weird yeah the

56:50

boy but anyway so i do the show the

56:52

show role that kicked ass in the given forty

56:54

bucks on the bill but that that that that

56:57

that that that that killer show i finish

56:59

say goodbye i mean a couple people have

57:01

a succumb in now it's the

57:03

last of all of the video ride back to

57:05

the house i think that's the right i go

57:08

upstairs baby sound asleep karen fair there

57:10

they're making out in my dreams daily

57:13

they go to the show and now i've

57:15

taken over the baby should be found to

57:17

sleep i got the washington washington washington or

57:19

even football game i order some food of

57:21

the the pasta there goes doesn't

57:23

that he's with the whole time because

57:25

i didn't that i did that i

57:27

got to hang out with the and

57:29

get a hellish about yet packed crowd

57:31

bunches tuesday's got some real the video

57:33

backstage on stage crowd work all thing

57:35

that you got your work in and

57:37

you're good that i thought it felt

57:39

like a million bucks great friday night

57:41

so growth thirty four back there uh...

57:44

this role we were going to have a

57:46

back there a bunch what a tree and

57:48

i got a growth thirty four the newest

57:50

hottest club in town this is independent comedy

57:52

run by comics in a great

57:55

neighborhood you got there and i love

57:57

that room because uh... it feels like

57:59

they really run There's no big corporation

58:01

Booker overhead guy. We're like we got to

58:03

check with the boss They just go you

58:05

go. I want this thing. Oh you got

58:07

it and you know think I've

58:09

seen some of the the shit that

58:11

goes on over there after hours and they are

58:14

Fun they let it rip. That's

58:17

the only she can do in Queens

58:19

Manhattan. They got the thumb on you

58:21

That's what I'm saying is right the

58:23

best and and Rob Rigo is a

58:25

hilarious comic by the way and is

58:27

a pilot The C-130 pilot Iraq veteran

58:29

the whole thing. They're the gay guy

58:31

from Star Wars Um,

58:34

and I have one of those in the cockpit

58:36

to bag that crazy. I forget about that I

58:39

was in bag that in a war

58:41

zone in the cockpit nice vision goggles

58:43

on a C-130 crazy crazy Did

58:46

you shoot a Zionist? No,

58:48

no, no shooting and I

58:50

am one of those but no No

58:52

shooting different war. Oh Yeah,

58:55

it's weaker. That was that was

58:57

really something but yeah, you know, you've really

58:59

you really realize sometimes you're like I really

59:01

lived Yes, not anymore, but

59:04

I did. Yeah, you got it

59:06

in most people didn't get it in then they

59:08

had the kid You got it in and then

59:10

kid Iraq Israel England

59:12

Peru Ecuador you name it up

59:15

in there Turkey. There you go

59:18

Hawaii. Oh, yeah How

59:21

many other plays I'm not gonna do the whole list but

59:23

yeah anymore places, of course but

59:25

anyway, that was my That

59:28

was my night. There you go. You got your work in and

59:31

Maybe tried some new shit. They got some reels. You

59:33

get to see fee hand get a wet t-shirt That's

59:36

a night not lots of fun. Lots of good stuff

59:38

And I'm like I said, I'm doing it again this

59:40

weekend and I just I'm just it's so fun when

59:42

you can get it And now you

59:45

do have to like really focus on stuff now. You're like,

59:47

okay, I have a half an hour I

59:49

gotta write this script. I gotta do the

59:51

podcast all the stuff time management. I

59:53

know I feel for you I'm sitting at

59:56

home. Just jerking off watching TV. I'm petting

59:58

my cat. I would debate Maybe you

1:00:00

couldn't do any of that. I have to run out,

1:00:02

get diapers, and I have to cancel eight gigs. You

1:00:04

know, you really can't just fly by

1:00:06

the seat of your dick. Yeah, when you're watching

1:00:08

movies now, I gotta watch movies like on mute

1:00:10

with subtitles on. Because I'm watching, you know, pulp

1:00:12

fiction stuff. I can't have them exposed to... It's

1:00:15

like you got a terrorist in the other room.

1:00:17

Just keep them happy, keep it quiet. You know,

1:00:19

you can't rock the boat. And he has no idea what the hell's going

1:00:21

on. And he has no idea! He doesn't even know who I am. Wow.

1:00:24

Man, these kids have got it made. Yeah,

1:00:26

they really do. Man, you

1:00:29

get the... I mean, this is why Louie

1:00:32

popped. He broke with the,

1:00:34

I want to throw my baby in a dumpster stuff. Yeah.

1:00:38

Now I get it because you're like, everyone can relate to

1:00:40

that, who has a kid. Right. It's a little tricky though,

1:00:42

because then they grow up and they're like, what? Yeah.

1:00:46

I think we've said this, but I'm like, I think

1:00:48

there's a damage done for my upbringing. And

1:00:50

there's no video of my dad being like,

1:00:52

I hope my kid dies. Yes. Boy, we

1:00:54

are lucky there's no video. Have you had

1:00:56

video of me shitting in a 7-Eleven just

1:00:59

for a goof, you know, on a Thursday

1:01:01

night? We'd be fucked. Yeah,

1:01:03

we got it. We're just the right age,

1:01:05

I feel like. Yeah. Well, I

1:01:07

try to make a bit out of this, but

1:01:10

the phone is the only invention that changed the

1:01:12

world. It's incredibly useful. It's incredibly helpful. But it's

1:01:14

the only invention that's helpful that we go, glad I

1:01:17

went around when I was a kid. Right. You

1:01:19

know, like everything else, you're like, wow, we have

1:01:22

the printing press. I wish that was around when

1:01:24

I was younger. But the phone is the only

1:01:26

thing where you're like, thank God I wasn't here

1:01:28

when I was a kid. Right. Yeah, that's interesting.

1:01:31

Yeah. Social media, the phone is,

1:01:33

yeah. I guess the phone is okay. It's the

1:01:35

media. Yeah. And the

1:01:37

news feed coming right near

1:01:39

dickhole every day, Twitter, just

1:01:41

evil, bad news, sad. Oh,

1:01:44

it's not good. It's not good at all. I know.

1:01:46

You know, it's somebody made a good point, though, and

1:01:48

I don't know how we're looking, but...

1:01:52

Okay. Somebody made a good point. They were like, social

1:01:55

media will probably have regulations eventually, much

1:01:57

like cigarettes or booze or whatever, but...

1:02:00

When you think about it just since it's come out.

1:02:03

We've are I've already regulated myself You

1:02:06

know like I don't look at this during

1:02:08

the morning. I I post

1:02:10

on here, and I get the fuck out I don't read

1:02:12

a bunch of shit, so they feel

1:02:14

like you've even put guardrails on it since it's

1:02:16

come out Yeah, cuz I used

1:02:19

to just sit there and scroll and just

1:02:21

like and absorb all this Facebook and

1:02:23

evil and death and now I'm

1:02:25

like I'll post my thing and I

1:02:27

get out I think that's the same with booze and

1:02:29

cigarette yeah Yeah, certain people are like I got to

1:02:31

quit smoking or smoke less whatever, but I think at

1:02:33

the beginning It was just like oh, we didn't know

1:02:35

it was bad. I know you just take it in

1:02:38

yeah No, it's a it can make

1:02:40

you feel Nauseous oh,

1:02:42

it's just disheartening. Yeah

1:02:45

We left on a shit note there.

1:02:48

We're doomed there you go. Yeah, it's gonna

1:02:50

be great. Hey Save us

1:02:53

they I'll save us those epic AI Double-sided

1:02:56

dildos all these things will save us. I love

1:02:58

it. I love it. Yeah, what was that ass

1:03:00

I? Didn't

1:03:03

take it out for air. What's that movie?

1:03:05

Yeah? Some

1:03:07

you know the movie. No

1:03:09

you're a gay man. No not

1:03:11

memento same director Movie

1:03:14

oh yes Requiem record for dream, maybe not

1:03:16

the same director actually no record for a

1:03:18

dream I could do those movies as they

1:03:20

came out around the same time and I

1:03:22

watch them both about a very dark and

1:03:24

weird But yeah one there an offski There

1:03:27

not ski. Yeah, it is there a lot Paul Thomas a

1:03:29

air enough get in the other one is Chris

1:03:33

Nolan a young Nolan, but we're going

1:03:35

to just can't make a movie that

1:03:37

doesn't jump around He's incapable of doing

1:03:39

it huh that's not like the

1:03:41

future. It's the past. It's the wacky This

1:03:44

already happened up around yeah inception Looper

1:03:47

I don't know if he did looper but

1:03:49

inception that one looper

1:03:52

oh Benjamin

1:03:54

butt oh that was fincher that's fincher

1:03:57

fuck my ass hard Yeah.

1:04:01

What else is a jump around? Christopher

1:04:04

Nolan, well you know you had Oppenheimer's

1:04:07

all jumpy. What was the time, John,

1:04:09

did you already say that one? Tenant?

1:04:12

Tenant! I couldn't follow Tenant with Wikipedia and a

1:04:15

Dr. Seuss book and a road map. I didn't

1:04:17

know what the fuck was going on. No, you

1:04:19

gotta get rid of that blowing

1:04:21

Tenant. And I don't

1:04:23

know, there's something, Memento, Tenant, what's

1:04:26

the spinny bottle one? You said that one already? Inception.

1:04:29

It's been a bottle?

1:04:32

There's been the top. Yeah, the

1:04:35

totem. Ah, the dreidel. The

1:04:37

totem pole. Got it, okay. Chuck just got

1:04:39

mad at you. Anyway,

1:04:42

I'm, I gotta sleep more. I'm

1:04:44

sorry, I'm gay. It's my fault.

1:04:46

Watch this. There's

1:04:48

a lot of water in there, didn't realize. Where

1:04:51

are you gonna be? You got any dates? Yes, I

1:04:53

do. Not coming up? Holy shit, I have a bunch

1:04:55

of dates. Tacoma, January 11th to the 13th. Poughkeepsie,

1:04:58

January 19th to the 20th. I'm working on the

1:05:00

ticket link, hopefully it's out by now, for

1:05:03

Comedy Mothership, February 8th to the

1:05:05

10th. That's gonna be a lot

1:05:07

of fun. That's gonna be a humdinger. That club is

1:05:09

lunch. Yeah, that's gonna be fun. A good time. J.P.

1:05:12

Leonard's gonna be in town. I love the J.P. Leonard.

1:05:15

The cigars in the green room. I think

1:05:17

Feehan's coming with me. Sarah will be there. The

1:05:19

whole family will be there. It's gonna be a family affair.

1:05:22

And, oh, and Chris Walsh is there,

1:05:24

too. Oh, man. It's gonna be a big event. And

1:05:27

then, where? Let me look at my reunion.

1:05:29

A fucking ton of dates here, and I

1:05:31

keep not plugging them. But

1:05:33

in the meantime, check out Joe

1:05:36

and Ron on Talk Movies. I'm bad at plugging other

1:05:39

shit that I'm doing. And fuck

1:05:41

me. Oh, Springfield, Missouri,

1:05:43

February 22nd to the 24th. There it is.

1:05:47

And then Goodnight in Raleigh,

1:05:49

March 14th to the 16th.

1:05:51

Pittsburgh, improv. March 28th to

1:05:53

the 30th. Burlington, Vermont.

1:05:56

April 12th. That's my mother's birthday.

1:05:58

One night only. O-T-O-T-O.

1:06:02

One time, one time only. And then Buffalo

1:06:04

Helium, I'm coming back there April 25th

1:06:06

to the 27th. And then

1:06:08

May, it's a far long way away, but Indianapolis Helium,

1:06:10

St. Louis Funny Bone. Finally coming back to St.

1:06:12

Louis. People are like, why are you coming to St.

1:06:14

Louis? What the fuck? Great club. Yeah,

1:06:17

well, they offered me Helium. I've heard nothing but

1:06:19

bad things about the Helium. Not their best. And

1:06:21

the Funny Bone was always good to me, headlining

1:06:23

me before anybody, so I'm going there. Thank

1:06:27

you very much. Oh,

1:06:30

did I leave that in the elevator? Oh,

1:06:34

that's mine. I'm returning that to

1:06:36

Amazon. Oh my god, that

1:06:38

was scary. Where did I leave that? Oh, I

1:06:40

left it on a door handle and then got

1:06:43

a cup of coffee. Ah, gee. That was terrifying.

1:06:45

How'd they know it was, oh, it's got my

1:06:47

name on it. I'm an idiot. Geez, this is

1:06:49

why I can't have children. I just leave it

1:06:51

hanging on a hook somewhere. Oh my god, it

1:06:53

should be hanging at all. And check out Punch-Up

1:06:56

Live. There's a whole bunch of stuff going on

1:06:58

at Punch-Up Live, exclusive material, and I'm doing sort

1:07:00

of a Patreon-y type of thing on there, so

1:07:02

get on there. Oh, nice. All

1:07:04

right. That's exciting. Well, I'll be all over

1:07:07

the road. Norfolk, Virginia.

1:07:09

The Lyric in Baltimore, which I hear is

1:07:12

a real humding. I'm going there with Rah,

1:07:14

not Rah, Umar, the opposite,

1:07:17

Pakistani. Shreveport, Louisiana, that

1:07:19

needs some help. The Lyric in

1:07:22

Birmingham, that's a double

1:07:24

lyric. Then all

1:07:26

kinds of crazy dates. We added a show

1:07:28

in Tampa. Coming

1:07:31

to Phoenix. Coming on

1:07:33

your hair. We're going

1:07:35

everywhere. marknormancomedy.com. So

1:07:37

keep on, keep it on, and send me clothes.

1:07:40

I'll wear them for one day. And if you've

1:07:42

got any mildew tips, keep them coming. Thank you.

1:07:44

Chuck. Hey, check out my podcast,

1:07:46

Fun Bearable. I want to give a quick thanks

1:07:48

to the Tuesdays because we just got

1:07:50

our Spotify wrapped, and Fun Bearable

1:07:52

is now in the top 2% of podcasts globally.

1:07:55

Wow. A lot of Tuesdays came over. A

1:07:57

lot of fun over there, writing stuff. into

1:08:00

the email and being on the Facebook group

1:08:02

and stuff like that. Really, really appreciate it.

1:08:04

We're having a lot of fun. funbearablepod.com, at

1:08:07

funbearablepod on social media. Thank you guys very

1:08:09

much. Here, here. And join the

1:08:11

Patreon. We're doing, we got to talk more about

1:08:13

the Patreon because I think the people want just

1:08:15

us podcasting. The last few episodes have been that.

1:08:18

Chuck says we're gay, we're idiots. God damn. I

1:08:20

didn't say anything. I have some unfortunate numbers to

1:08:22

go with your plan, but. Okay,

1:08:28

but we've never done what we're doing. We've

1:08:30

never done just regular podcasts. We've done it for quite

1:08:32

a while now. Consistent. Oh, okay. All

1:08:35

right. Well, I'm wrong. I'd like to hear

1:08:37

these numbers. Message us. This is it. Call

1:08:39

in, email, tweet, text. What do you want

1:08:42

the Patreon to be? Well, we just, we're

1:08:44

going to put up the bonus where you

1:08:46

actually call to action and explain it on

1:08:48

the Patreon. So that'll be up by the

1:08:50

time this is up. All

1:08:52

right. I'm gay. There you go. My

1:08:55

father hates me. We'll figure it out. We'll see

1:08:57

you all in hell. We're only 11 years in.

1:08:59

Get on the Patreon.