0:00

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's

0:03

all I know how to do. Great. Good

0:05

to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with... Stories!

0:09

Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And

0:12

then the duck fell out of his

0:14

bag! Hahaha! Surf's

0:16

up! And she didn't even

0:18

flush. Knock, knock. Who's

0:20

there? Mark, Norman, and Joe

0:22

List. Yeah! This is Tuesdays

0:24

with Stories, everybody. Nah,

0:27

that's terrible. This is supposed

0:29

to be cheesy. My radio

0:31

is spitting at me. Knock

0:35

and choose what I want to say. Ah!

0:50

Thank you. Hey! Comedy,

0:53

huh? Alright! We're

0:55

really doing it! Okay,

0:57

they kept saying it wasn't that full.

0:59

This is pretty good. No, everyone said...

1:01

Yeah. Everyone encouraged us to

1:04

kill ourselves, but there's people here. We'll

1:06

still do that, but yeah, look at that. I

1:08

don't even see an empty seat in the house. Don't

1:12

look in the back. They're over there. Well, it's

1:14

dark. I see them. Dark up there.

1:16

But we're not going to focus on the people that didn't

1:18

show. What about these queefs? So around here, huh? Yeah.

1:21

Thanks for coming. Yeah! Whoo!

1:25

These people didn't come. Hey, it's

1:28

an empty seat. My guidance counselor here, huh? Jesus

1:31

Christ. I did the

1:33

Tonight Show last night. I haven't been home yet. I've been

1:35

out on a bender. I've also done... Yeah!

1:37

He relapsed! Oh, there's

1:39

the gay wrestler guys. Oh, yeah! And

1:42

the brothers. The Bushwackers. Yes!

1:45

Good to see you guys. We're

1:47

at a point where I walked in and I

1:49

was like, Hey, Steph, I know all the fans

1:51

by name. Yeah. It's a sad

1:53

point in your career where you're like, Big

1:55

Steve. Yeah. Philip. But

1:58

you could probably just get, hey, Kyle. written

2:02

out I

2:05

wish he kills that guy was

2:07

first class if you ask me well you know if

2:12

you take the kids out of school they're gonna shoot

2:15

somewhere else everyone

2:18

so different than the other but right I

2:20

brought stories I guess I'm bringing

2:28

a that's the name of the show

2:30

yeah I'm not I'm not

2:32

gonna tell them I'm gonna look at some shit up here I believe

2:35

that's a like a dark purple yes that's

2:45

an odd choice odd what are you

2:48

kidding I'm like a black I'm like a

2:50

black comic I wanted to bring

2:52

a towel out and say the n-word but

2:54

they said no no you can't now that

2:56

would have gone viral no I think purple purple

2:58

nice pops they said color pops and then

3:00

everyone wears a blue suit a gray suit

3:02

a black suit I went purple

3:04

and Ian Lara was my inspiration well he's

3:07

black yeah

3:11

I just didn't peg you as a purple I

3:13

begged you yesterday I

3:18

love to be pegged I've never been

3:20

pegged but don't you feel like I

3:22

did this bit on stage I'm not

3:24

on stage right now the

3:26

beginning of a relationship you're like talking to your

3:28

your wife's girlfriend and you're like who's that guy

3:30

why are you talking to that guy will you

3:32

like that guy you think he's

3:35

cute what's your deal yeah now we've

3:37

been married 17 years I'm like will

3:39

you fuck my best friend in front

3:41

of me please do you suck my

3:43

buddy's dick until I come please yeah

3:46

I know what you mean it gives you something new to talk about

3:48

at least what can't do the weather

3:50

again what's what's Bob's dick like and

3:54

I always talk about it purple that

3:58

would be purple is oh Like

4:00

a deep purple. Whoa! The

4:02

head of your dick is purple and it's

4:04

deep, it's deep purple. Yeah,

4:06

I like that. And then you wonder, what

4:09

about Grimace? He's purple.

4:13

He's girthy. Girthy

4:16

Grimace. GG. Alan.

4:20

Alright, so, uh, you're buying

4:22

a purple suit. So I go, I'm doing

4:24

the Tonight Show, which is exciting, you know,

4:26

it's fun, it's fun to go get a

4:28

new suit. Yeah, well what do you go,

4:30

Soul Train Fashion, Urban Threads, where

4:33

do you go for that? Fubu, this

4:35

is a Fubu. Oh, nice! For

4:38

us, by us. That's right. So I

4:40

went, I went to Bloomingdale's, I like to go to

4:42

Blumey's, and normally I would go with my wife, but

4:44

we got a baby, and you don't want to bring

4:46

the baby to Bloomingdale's, or anywhere. Honey

4:48

Fubu. Sorry, sorry. Wait,

4:51

what is it again? Honey Fubu. Like

4:54

Honey Boo Boo? Oh, I forgot about Honey Boo

4:56

Boo. I haven't thought about Honey

4:58

Boo Boo in a long time. I think about her every day. This

5:00

is the show. Hey,

5:03

we're doing the show, this feels right. By the way,

5:05

I really, we talk about

5:08

every time. I think the live shows are the best shows.

5:14

Birthdays with the worst days, tell us if

5:16

you're in pain with Thursday. Yeah, Reddit would

5:18

disagree, but keep going. So

5:21

I went to Bloomingdale's to get the suit,

5:23

I went solo, and I walked in, I

5:25

went to Ted Baker first. You know me,

5:28

I like to Ted Baker it up, but

5:30

all their suits, their checkery, so like Moyer.

5:32

You know Moyer? Is that

5:34

the guy who circumcises? That's

5:36

Moyol. Moyol. What's

5:39

a Moyer? Moyer is when you're a

5:42

suit or a garment, it moves

5:44

on TV. Like Moyer Adams. I

5:49

don't know who that is either. Moyer

5:52

Adams. Oh. You're

5:57

gonna tear your pants stretching like that. You

6:00

guys know Moir? Moiré. Moiré.

6:05

Moiré. Oh, this guy, we went

6:07

to college. That

6:10

means there's someone in the business over there. What

6:12

do you do? The industry. Video. Video?

6:16

Yeah, Moiré, right? What

6:18

was I saying? Moiré. Right.

6:21

Moiré. Moiré.

6:26

That's a Moiré eel. Anyways,

6:31

Moiré, Les Ray, the

6:33

right amount of Ray. It's

6:35

when your suit gets all Wonko on

6:38

TV. I see. So they said

6:40

you can't have that, whatever. So

6:42

then I went over to some

6:44

other section called, I forget what it was, some other

6:46

designer, and those suits are $2,800 bucks a suit.

6:50

Yay. I said, well, thank

6:52

you. This is, Tancho pays $800 bucks or

6:54

something. You're

6:56

tired than that. But it's not much. I think it's $1,200. Yeah,

6:59

I think it's $1,200. And then taxes.

7:01

When you guys are people

7:03

that watch television sometimes. Does

7:05

anyone watch the Tonight Show? Wow.

7:09

Well, someone watched it. I mean, I got a couple of

7:11

tweets. Yeah,

7:13

all right. But whatever it is,

7:16

yeah, on YouTube, whatever. They see it somewhere. You

7:18

see it on YouTube. There you go. But anyways,

7:20

the point is, I think, I've had this theory

7:22

before, comedians will go on late night and do

7:24

all these jokes about being broke. And

7:26

I'm like, I don't think they work because, at least

7:29

in the old days, people see you on TV in a

7:31

suit. They think you're getting paid $5 million. Yes.

7:33

So you see a comedian at the Tonight Show being like, boy,

7:35

I got no money. And I'm like, but I think the audience

7:37

is like, what do you mean you don't have money? You're on

7:39

TV. Good point. But you

7:42

don't make any money on TV. So they're

7:44

right. That's so true. Yeah.

7:47

Any jizz. I

7:49

went down there. I walk over. I meet a lady.

7:52

She was very nice. She's very nice. And

7:54

she might hear this. Julianne Moore? No,

7:57

no. Oh. She was mean. She

8:00

said, get the fuck away from me. I heard you have herpes. And I

8:02

was like, well, don't worry

8:05

about it. No, so I went to buy

8:07

the suit. And the lady was very nice. And she

8:09

was like, I see you. See the purple Paul Smith

8:11

suit? And I said, yeah, it looks pretty nice. I

8:13

heard it will pop on TV. And this lady, she

8:15

really sunk her teeth into me. You

8:17

can see she had like a, what do you call that,

8:20

when you're a salesman, a mark. And

8:22

a live one. A live one. Yes.

8:25

She reeled me right in. I said, I got

8:27

to try on the suit. And I was wearing

8:29

sweatpants and a fucking Arizona Wildcats

8:31

t-shirt. Sure, sure. And she said, you can't try on

8:33

a suit without a shirt. You got to get a

8:36

dress shirt to try on the suit because it doesn't

8:38

fit the same way. I said, all right, we'll go

8:40

grab a dress shirt. Thank you. She's

8:42

aggressive. She brings me a shirt. I put the shirt on.

8:45

I tried the suit on. She's like, it's perfect. You got

8:47

to get this suit. I said, great. And I thought

8:49

it looked fine. I was like, I'm in a suit. It

8:52

looks like a suit. She brings

8:54

the tailor in. So she's got a second guy.

8:56

The second person comes in and he's like, let

8:58

me take a look. And he's touching my dick and

9:01

moving the thing. And he's pulling the pins. Oh, you

9:03

got altered. Yeah. A

9:05

tailor. Ah. Toolman

9:07

tailor. So

9:10

he's reaching and he's like, you got a pinch. And I'm

9:13

like, I think it looks pretty good. Yeah, it looks

9:15

great. He's looking at the back. Well, now it's been tailored,

9:17

but he's looking at the back and he's like, the back.

9:19

And then they show you in the mirror. He's like,

9:21

look at his back. And I'm like, I get a pretty

9:23

good back. I'm just on

9:25

that. He's like, he's like,

9:28

it's a terrible back. You got to put in

9:30

the pins and the chalk and the business and

9:32

the chalk, whatever. And

9:34

then I go, OK, well, tailor it up. Let's

9:37

go. I got to lift. I got to have

9:39

it by Monday, 3 p.m. And

9:41

he's like, no, no, no chance. I can't do it. Asian

9:44

guy. So I'm like, oh,

9:47

I thought no. He's

9:52

a terror. That's

9:58

like a second. really

10:00

did so he's going yeah

10:03

no I can't do it and I'm like okay that

10:05

I start taking the suit off like I gotta go

10:07

somewhere else and the lady is like in the mirror

10:09

like doing that like don't worry about

10:11

it what does that mean I

10:13

don't know I'm like well he's saying I

10:16

can't it's like the apron turn away it's like your

10:18

wife just said she's back at home any minute like I'm

10:21

like he just said I can't

10:23

do it right like he can do it oh

10:25

that's ladies bad news and the guys like I

10:27

can't do it I can have it Monday night

10:29

maybe I'm like well I

10:31

need it Monday 3 p.m. and she's like

10:33

I'll get it by Monday 3 p.m. and he's like

10:35

I won't she wants to fail

10:39

yeah she wants to fail and I'm like lady

10:41

I'm not gonna buy a fucking thousand-dollar suit yeah

10:43

I can't wear the fucking thing so

10:46

then I go all right she's like don't worry

10:48

the Taylor leaves and she's like it's totally fine

10:50

we can get it she goes

10:52

we can do express tailoring I said well mark me

10:54

down for Express and then he like pops his head

10:56

back in he's like that'll get it by 4 p.m.

10:59

Monday and she

11:01

does this to him so I'm like what the

11:03

fuck is going on here Wow so

11:06

the Express tailoring is $25 yeah I

11:09

go no problem I go I'll pay whatever I

11:11

need the suit so she goes okay you'll pay

11:13

whatever Oh Jerry this

11:15

is a grip it's a

11:18

total grift so I go okay so yeah

11:21

I'll just I'll pay what how does it

11:23

work and she's like well he

11:25

could probably bump you up if you're willing to offer money

11:28

well what is this a kidney I

11:31

go yeah well what are we talking I can

11:33

give him ice you let me go talk to him oh

11:36

come on they're in cahoots the whole time I'm

11:38

in the suit it's like baggy I look like

11:40

the Tom Hanks character the other big when he

11:42

goes back to oh yeah yeah anyway fuck that

11:44

lady when he was like 14 oh absolutely

11:47

yeah she must have felt weird yeah so I'm

11:49

swimming in the suit I think it looks good

11:51

they think it looks bad so she leaves she

11:53

comes back she goes okay yeah if you give

11:55

him some money and I go well I got

11:57

four bucks I gotta go to ATS And

12:00

she goes, he said there's one on 58th Street. Oh,

12:04

man. So they're over there. They know what's going

12:06

on. So I go to the ATM,

12:09

take out 80 bucks. I

12:12

come back and I felt like Albert Brooks. I was like, listen, I've

12:15

never done this. How

12:17

do I do it? She's like, well, just give me the

12:19

money. I'll give it to him. And I'm

12:21

like, I got 60 bucks. Does that work?

12:23

She's like, that's perfect. Perfect. I'm like,

12:25

was that too much? And she's like, that's good. Oh,

12:28

man. I give her 60 bucks. She

12:30

goes back to him. She comes back. She goes, I'll be

12:32

ready at noon tomorrow. Oh,

12:34

man. So they bumped it up three days for

12:36

60 bucks. You

12:38

got roocked. I bet that guy didn't even have an accent.

12:41

They were totally fucked. They

12:43

typed. They painted his skin all brown. He

12:47

wasn't white. He was brown. Yeah,

12:50

fuck. I blew it. So

12:55

they go, OK, I'll be ready tomorrow noon. I go,

12:57

OK, terrific. And then she keeps going, by the way,

12:59

I can do personal shopping. Your wife has a baby.

13:02

Tell me her size. I'll go shopping for you. And

13:04

I'm like, what am I fucking Jeff

13:07

Bezos? I can't afford a personal shopper.

13:10

So she goes, give me your number. Give me your cell.

13:13

And I go, well, I'll text you later. She

13:15

goes, this is my cell. Jesus. She goes, text

13:17

me so I have your number, which is psychotic.

13:19

Is that crazy? It's wacky. I think these are

13:21

gypsies. Something's

13:24

up. So then the next day, I come back

13:26

at noon, all ready to go, straight from the

13:28

gym, sweating, rock hard. I go, I'm ready to

13:30

pick my suit up. She goes,

13:32

oh, that's not ready today. That's not ready at

13:34

noon. What happened to the greasing? I

13:37

said, I greased. I got greased everywhere. Greased

13:39

is the word. So she

13:42

goes, he doesn't even get in till noon. Oh.

13:44

And I was like, you said noon. Actually,

13:47

he goes, it'll be ready at 4. So I'm like, well, I

13:50

can't come tomorrow. So now I've got to go three days

13:52

in a row. I go, I

13:54

come back Sunday. I get the thing. She brings up

13:56

the suit and the shirt. I try it on. Fits

13:58

great. Hands me the ring. See the

14:01

shirt the shirt the one that she's like you gotta

14:03

get the shirt now that you've tried it on right

14:06

$270 oh That's what

14:08

my old suit caught that I

14:11

mean is that fucking wild that's outrageous She

14:13

could have grabbed me a Sears shirt. Yeah,

14:16

those are 23.99. I've sold them 270 White

14:20

shirt Wow you got rooked. She thought

14:22

you were some room from Indiana I was hoping to

14:24

get a big laugh, but you guys are just like

14:26

you got fucked over. That's horrible I'm wearing a $270

14:28

shirt. Well. What's the suit go for? Not

14:40

taking it off till Christmas What

14:43

is this place so we can all throw

14:45

a Molotov cocktail to the window blooming dales

14:47

I go to bloom Oh,

14:49

I thought you went to some shoddy

14:51

operation in the Garment District and some

14:54

fucking tasty Jew guy. Yeah This

14:57

is blooms And

14:59

then yesterday the big taping and I get

15:01

a hello mr. List good luck, and I'm

15:04

like I said it to the guy that

15:06

books the tonight show Mike is this your people And he's

15:08

like that's not one of us. I go

15:10

who the fuck is texting me like good luck on the tonight

15:12

show I have no idea. It's the woman. Oh,

15:15

I never gave her my number. She looked it up

15:17

in the system I mark my words she gives hand

15:19

jobs Well she

15:21

texted me today She wrote great job the sitter's

15:23

good with a link to the set as though

15:25

I wasn't Like she's like

15:27

here. It is Here's a video of

15:30

the set. I'm like fucking I know I was there.

15:32

I got a say She's

15:34

more invested in your life than your wife. Oh

15:36

absolutely there I don't even know I was on the

15:38

tonight show she hasn't say I've been home. I've been

15:40

out fucking women all night Yeah,

15:44

so anyways I'm wearing a $1,300

15:46

outfit she fucked me on the shirt. Yes, she

15:48

did and Bloomington

15:51

I there's a the tailors are Shifty

15:55

I had a guy everybody goes you got to go

15:57

to Hong Kong Taylor Hong Kong Taylor is some crazy

15:59

Korean guy and the village. Not

16:02

a fake name. Google it. Hong Kong

16:04

Taylor. It's on like 8th Street right

16:06

off 6th Avenue. So I go,

16:09

alright, I got a nice suit my dad gave

16:11

me. It's too big. He's fat. I'm

16:13

gonna go in there. I'm gonna get it all

16:16

fitted. This guy, I mean,

16:18

he was like a ninja. He, I mean,

16:21

you know, he was... I believe

16:24

they all are. Ninja,

16:26

please. But he

16:29

was, he put on some music and I was

16:31

like, bamboo

16:34

pipe and all that and a pan flute and

16:36

he had like a little, what

16:38

do you call that? The splashy rock thing

16:41

with the water. What about the cat

16:43

with the hand? Oh, the cat was in there doing

16:45

the white power. Yeah, yeah. And...

16:49

Cat power. Yeah, good band.

16:52

But it was all Asian-y and he

16:54

got down and he had a robe

16:56

on and those wooden shoes that have

16:58

just two blocks on the bottom, you

17:00

know. I swear to God, he

17:02

had a ponytail and he used a samurai to

17:04

cut it up and he

17:07

marked me up with all the chalk all day

17:09

long. He was putting pins in me and he

17:11

would pop the smoke bomb and

17:13

he was gone. And I'm just like, I'm

17:15

just hearing cash with cha-ching, cha-ching. Like, how

17:18

much is it going to cost? Cha-ching,

17:20

cha-ching. I don't think he can say

17:22

that. What the hell? This

17:25

is a family show. Well,

17:28

there goes S&L. But I'll

17:32

get it in five years. But... $100 bet. So

17:38

yeah, he goes, Ed's going to run about 300 bucks

17:41

and he's been in there for like 45 minutes, just

17:43

chalking me up. And I

17:46

go, oh yeah, yeah. I

17:48

got to take a phone call. I had

17:51

my jeans and coats and shirt in there because

17:53

I'm wearing the suit now. I took a phone

17:56

call and I ran home. Watch

18:00

out for that guy. He's

18:02

out there. I hope he never hears this,

18:04

because he's got a picture

18:07

of me with a knife in it in the wall. But

18:09

it feels like you robbed

18:12

him. You

18:14

stole the suit. Well, it was my suit.

18:18

Oh, you did? I went in with my dad's

18:20

suit. I forgot it was the dad's suit. He

18:22

didn't give me a suit. I thought you

18:25

were in my situation and you just ran out

18:27

of Bloomingdale's. No, no, this is Hong Kong's and

18:30

he got my jeans. I mean, I knew it

18:32

was Hong Kong's, but I thought he made the

18:34

suit for you. And while he was

18:36

fixing it, you took off. No, he wouldn't

18:38

make me a suit. I

18:41

got you. All right. I

18:43

got confused myself sometimes. Yeah, it

18:45

was bad. It was like an

18:47

episode of Squid Game. But I

18:49

got out. Well,

18:52

suits are a tricky business out there. Yeah, lawsuits.

18:57

Suit yourself. We got a hot show tonight

19:01

and we got the big guest. Yeah,

19:03

we got the guest over there. What? They're

19:06

over there, I think. Oh, yeah, they're there. They're

19:08

angry. They're waiting. Legendary guests

19:10

and another guy, too. Yes.

19:14

We got the guy who lit himself on fire

19:16

for Palace. No, we got

19:18

a... Well,

19:20

we should start with the nobody first. Absolutely.

19:23

Yeah, and then we'll work our way up.

19:27

Yeah, sometimes they say this man needs no introduction.

19:29

This man needs a lot of introduction. Yes,

19:32

yes. Lots and lots of

19:34

it. Well, he's a comedian. Yeah,

19:36

out of Texas, Houston to be

19:38

exact. He owns his own

19:41

comedy club. He's got a YouTube special

19:43

coming out sometime in the future. Soon.

19:47

Yes. I assume

19:49

you all do. They're pretty common now. But

19:52

yeah, put your hands together for Andrew Youngblood.

19:55

Hey! You heard

19:57

him mentioned on the pod. Hey!

20:00

Oh, there

20:02

you go. They're on the chair. It's on the chair. I

20:06

got no green in. All right. Don't

20:08

give us instructions. There's mics in the back.

20:10

Oh, yeah. Just come out and grab a

20:12

seat. Maybe I'll go on the end there.

20:15

Is it weird we've just put a ramp? I guess... Should

20:17

I sit here? We get no arm there, though.

20:19

I got no arm, but I feel we were putting a...

20:22

It feels like an intervention. We put the guy right in

20:24

the middle. Sit here, then. Is

20:27

it too close to you? What does that mean?

20:30

A lot of planning has gone into this

20:33

show. All right. You're right. We're not big

20:35

planners. No, planner fitness. I got planner fasciitis.

20:37

There you go. All

20:40

right. And next up, you all

20:42

know him. You've seen him on

20:44

HBO, Comedy Central, Netflix, Sirius

20:47

Radio. Put your hands together for Jim Norton, everybody.

20:49

Oh, my God. Yeah!

20:53

How do you have a good day? Wherever

20:56

you want. Oh, okay. I

20:59

got one more. We got all the guests. They're

21:01

all here. And

21:05

another comedy legend. I've known this guy

21:08

for fucking 75 years. He

21:10

officiated by wedding. You know him. You

21:12

love him. Robert Kelly is here,

21:14

everybody. Hey! There he is. Yeah!

21:20

Right in the middle, baby. Yeah. Do

21:22

you want arm? Do you want arm? Are

21:24

you okay with no arms? No, I'm good.

21:26

They didn't know I was here. So when

21:28

they said that thing, we had the fucking

21:30

worst to the best. And

21:32

you brought me up last. You know you wanted Norton

21:34

last. No. You look at

21:36

me, you went, Oh, shit, he's here too. Fuck.

21:40

There's no hierarchy. We're all zeros. Yes. Yeah.

21:44

You're good. We went by size. What's up? That

21:50

hurts. You look great, though. You look great.

21:52

Hey, thank you. How about him? The

21:55

Bible still has been here. I like it. I think it looks

21:57

good. That Suits you. However,

22:02

I work. But. The supports a

22:04

circus. Three. Sixteen Eight.

22:06

To. Seventy. The. Fuck me.

22:09

I had I. Another worse

22:11

like yourself that this girl was

22:13

other know what emile excuse to

22:15

turn ssssss as I get started

22:18

a reverse liga so gonna laugh,

22:20

whatever. Well. This every time we

22:22

come on we do alive pod. We all

22:24

just wanna zig zag, have a nice time

22:26

and we lose the essence of the show

22:29

which is stored. Had

22:32

a more yo. Hammered

22:34

that were used as we heard and we'd

22:37

never asked the guests a Brit tell a

22:39

story so I would. I told Andrew ahead

22:41

of time. Andrews a fucking crazy gambling party

22:43

Fucking know. I'm on a regular person now.

22:46

the whole island from on I got kids.

22:48

That. Are ship wow they always with as

22:51

though the or figured out Yoda Hill.or

22:53

in order to are you know a

22:55

million for forty eight years were up

22:57

or thought you'd want to. Now I

22:59

got I got a sexual Mexican that

23:01

I got a fourteen year old white

23:03

know what what or were her. Vagina

23:06

more round the Mexican these above you

23:08

adopt the Mexican node allowed his third

23:10

game in a Mexican that the first.

23:14

That easy notify the ones I thought

23:16

i never you're pregnant and. Africa,

23:22

The say submitted your

23:25

vagina Ssssss on earth.

23:29

Other Mexican trans or are they are?

23:31

no I mean who knows what a

23:33

cute name? Question? Yes I. Never

23:36

see, I'm too busy. Work are

23:39

reasonably priced, fully functional. Yeah.

23:41

thrill. Oh yeah, largely I'm circumcised.

23:43

the up on whipped we say

23:46

in the biz. The real Somalis

23:48

to. The Union. You.

23:51

have it was a trans girl

23:53

i have actually on accident or

23:56

as however not home run ssssss

23:58

that you're married one I'm

24:00

like, yeah, this is a five thousandth time I've

24:02

made this mistake. Actually, I

24:04

said, oh, oh, oh. You

24:14

ever? Huh? You ever been with

24:16

a Tran? No. Come

24:19

on, with that hat. Okay. Okay,

24:21

I got this from a Tran. She

24:24

was getting into the condom. Um,

24:29

no, I mean, I've come close. What

24:33

do you mean? Mr. Mouse? Yeah.

24:38

I've never been with like fully like, you know, I'm

24:41

going to go and be, I've been around him. I've

24:43

been near it. I love it.

24:45

I think a lot of girls are sexy.

24:47

I've ducked one off. I know.

24:50

No, I haven't. Yeah. Well,

24:53

DeRosa did it and it like helped his career. Doesn't

24:56

work that way for all of us. He's

24:59

selling more sandwiches than ever. Yeah. Have

25:04

you ever been in a Tran? No. I've

25:07

never been with a man or yet. No. What

25:10

about a boy? Yeah.

25:14

What about an eager lad? You were babysitting. You

25:17

don't have a babysat. I

25:19

babysit now. My baby. That's

25:21

not babysitting. That's watching. That's

25:24

making care of fatherhood. That's

25:28

amazing. You're a dad. Big

25:30

dad. Big old dad. Big

25:33

dad energy. Thank you. Was

25:36

with the baby today. Did you snip

25:38

him? No, that's a myth.

25:41

Wait, what? People think you cut

25:43

a baby's dick off. You

25:45

don't cut his dick off. Oops.

25:51

What do you mean? You didn't do it? That

25:53

didn't get a laugh. Because you guys didn't laugh,

25:55

so now it feels like you think that I

25:57

think the snip is cutting the baby's dick off.

26:01

But did you circuit? No, no. That was

26:03

our... they just... they did that. They didn't

26:05

even say like, hey... They just take it away. Really?

26:07

Yeah, well they just come in, we'll be right back.

26:10

And they really don't ask. And then they

26:12

come back and they bring you a perfect cock.

26:14

Yeah. They

26:16

play a commercial. Later sucking. Wow. No, there

26:18

was no... the umbilical... you're talking about

26:20

the umbilical cord. No, you're talking

26:22

about the... You're talking about the umbilical cord. No,

26:24

no, circumcision. Oh, oh, I thought you were talking

26:27

about... because the dad cuts the cord. Oh, that's

26:29

gross. Oh, that's why it wasn't funny, because you

26:31

were talking about cutting the dick off. Yeah, yeah.

26:34

I thought you were talking about cutting the cord and I was

26:36

doing a gag, but I thought cutting the cord is cutting the

26:38

dick off. These are the

26:40

type of mishaps that people... Take

26:43

a threes company. Yeah. We

26:46

should write a show, the five of us. Yeah.

26:48

I think five white men could sell

26:50

a show right now. Yes. That's

26:53

what the industry wants. With one Mexican baby. There you

26:55

go. But no, I didn't cut anything. I didn't do nothing. I

26:58

just sat there. But did they cut it? Is

27:00

your kid circumcised? Thank you. Oh, that's what we're trying to get

27:02

at. I don't want to talk about this kind of stuff. We

27:04

want to know about your kid's dad. People are very judgmental. It's

27:06

a child. He has a dick. Oh, you do. I got attacked.

27:10

I got attacked by a lot of people when I

27:12

got my kid circumcised. Really? But it's not something you

27:14

think about. Look, I'm Irish Catholic from Boston. It's

27:17

just something you do. And they come in, we're going

27:19

to take the kid... Okay, you're so fucked up, you

27:21

didn't even know what's going on. I

27:23

guess. And they take it and they

27:25

rip shit off your kid's dick and then hand

27:28

them back to you with a red dick. You're like, ugh.

27:30

Pretty wild. What do

27:32

I do now? And they're like, it's okay.

27:34

And then, you know, you hope for the best. Yeah, yeah.

27:37

You hope he likes it. Yeah. Well,

27:39

I mean, I like yours. Yeah, I love

27:41

yours. I'm also

27:43

clipped. But I wish

27:45

that I hadn't been mutilated. Why? No,

27:48

I'm just kidding. The guy who makes it

27:50

serious. You know, I'm kidding aside. I've

27:53

seen those protesters out there every now and then. Like,

27:56

it's mutilation. They have red paint

27:58

on the front of their white pants. Those guys are the fucking... What

28:00

what blood kills? I know what is

28:02

this October 7 take it easy Those

28:05

are Palestinians. Oh Did

28:10

you My

28:12

white kid is clip but my Mexican they're like you got

28:14

to make an appointment and I was like, yeah So

28:18

he's just sleeping bag in it like it's full on

28:21

so when they see each other's dick so they like

28:23

hey What's going on here? I mean, it's like 10

28:25

years apart. So they don't really look at each other's

28:31

With your brother it's weird how old

28:33

is these little little guys I got a six

28:35

and 14 Yeah, you don't want the fortune real

28:37

staring at the snow. Yeah, they hate each other.

28:39

It's wild Well, Bob and I ten years apart.

28:41

We look at each other's dick all the time

28:43

all the time I've seen his dick every

28:46

time we face time the camera slowly comes

28:48

down I mean talking about serious

28:50

stuff like yeah, man. Thanks so much for helping out

28:58

Yeah, that's funny Unless

29:00

you work for CNN I Don't

29:05

want to live in a world where having a conversation

29:08

with someone on the phone and then you show them

29:10

your hard dick Isn't funny. That's

29:12

not yeah, that's

29:14

gold. Yeah, Louie loves that pretty good

29:19

In high school the old wristwatch, you know, they're like, oh

29:21

what time it is You got the wristwatch on or you

29:23

got the tumor. Remember? Yeah, you guys remember that's like, oh,

29:25

man My stomach's been hurting me. I got the tumor and

29:28

it's just your friend's ball Their

29:30

pants Sat

29:34

and gum sat and gum monkey brains you get

29:36

someone tuck it and just do the girl thing

29:44

I'll do that every time I take a shower me

29:46

too You ever see the

29:48

video with a guy? The guy's got

29:50

the guy touch his balls in his asshole and then

29:53

farts them out. Yeah One

29:55

of the greatest things on the internet and you'll be

29:57

like and you'll watch it 70 five

30:00

times and you'll show it

30:02

to your wife or your grandmother. It's the best

30:04

video ever because he has a nice asshole. I

30:07

directed that video. I'm very proud of that. Took him 40

30:10

takes to get it but he finally popped him

30:13

out. We celebrated. It's one of my favorite videos.

30:15

Do women ever do this? You guys are ladies.

30:17

Do you ever like you're talking to your friend

30:19

and then you go, hey, time for clams and

30:21

then you clams off.

30:25

No? Well, you're the only two women

30:27

so I don't know who else to ask. Women

30:30

over there? Boom. Take

30:33

your tits out in a conversation. Sometimes.

30:37

All right. Like you're talking to one of

30:39

your girl, hey, Sue. Whoa.

30:47

Well, you got itchy tits and then they fall. That might

30:49

be different. All

30:53

right. This is bad. That

31:00

looks like softer of ice cream for

31:02

a second. Yeah. The guy's dick is

31:04

like seven feet long. Yeah. You

31:06

got a big dick and a nice ass to do this

31:09

video, right? Can we pull this up in the big get

31:11

that on the projector? Air

31:14

drop it to the guy who owns the

31:17

place. No, we can't show this. We can

31:19

shut down. Fucking awesome. Let me see it.

31:21

Bob. It's pretty good. Let me see it.

31:23

Oh, come on. Okay. There's a man's Hiney,

31:25

a long penis and his

31:28

balls just drooped out of it. Yeah. Really

31:30

impressive. Yeah. Yeah. Man. What good timing he

31:32

had even ran the room with his balls

31:35

tucked to keep the joke pure. I

31:37

wonder how many takes that 74. How many fights

31:40

he had with his wife. Yeah.

31:42

The craziest part is the length of his dick. I couldn't

31:44

stop staring at his dick. Got a big piece.

31:46

Big hug. I never see the back of a

31:48

dick that often. Oh, you got to live a

31:50

little. Sorry.

31:53

Do you guys ever get milked like

31:55

when you're in your, I love milk.

31:57

That used to be my thing from.

32:00

from 95 to 2003. But

32:02

you were in a... I

32:04

was the milking king of Boston. Wait. You

32:08

were in a barn though. You're

32:12

fat now too. I know. Yeah,

32:16

I used to love that. The milking. I

32:20

used to have a girl that just did that. Really?

32:22

Yeah, we didn't even have sex. She

32:24

would just put me on all fours and milk

32:26

me like a fucking baby cat. Was

32:29

there a missing kid on the side of your

32:31

leg? That

32:37

was a great tattoo. Just

32:39

to surprise her one day. I liked it.

32:41

I mean, one time it was hot. It

32:44

was one of those hot New York days we used

32:46

to have before climate change. And she went, we did

32:49

it, and then she went like... She

32:52

went like this to my... I got into my position. She went,

32:55

go wash your bum, honey. Wow.

32:59

Now, was there a milking table? Have

33:01

you seen that? Where they get under it? Oh yeah,

33:03

the massage table with the hole in it. Thank you.

33:06

Yeah. Yes. No, I

33:08

didn't know they had that. I'd ask for that

33:10

for Christmas. So what are you doing? They're

33:15

on Amazon. Yeah. It's a great

33:17

place to put a cactus under. So

33:21

what are you doing it then? How are you doing it? The

33:23

milking. I don't do it. She

33:25

does it. But that's just a hand job, is

33:27

it not? Well, it's from the back though. You

33:29

pull everything. Oh. Yeah, like you pull it from

33:31

the back and boop, boop, boop, boop, boop. And

33:33

then boop. Oh yeah. You're

33:37

a good dad. From

33:42

the back. Wow. I don't want

33:44

to... Any girl did that? Any girl raised...

33:46

Don't be embarrassed. Raise your hand. There's only

33:48

six women here. We got...

33:51

Nobody ever did that from behind. Someone

33:53

either scratched their face or raised their hand politely. And

33:55

I'm staring at them. So now I feel weird. And

33:58

if he... There's a couple guys like this. She

34:01

did it. Come on. I

34:04

always find it's hard to really spice things

34:06

up when you're married because I talk about this a lot. You

34:10

have to segue back into your regular life. I

34:14

would never let my wife do that. What? Because

34:17

I love her. I would never let her. Seriously

34:20

now I'm 53. It

34:22

looks like an elephant's knee pad down there.

34:27

But it's hard to be like, let's bring a guy over

34:29

to fuck you in front of me the way I

34:31

pray for. Because then

34:33

you have to be like, okay, take care, Glenn.

34:35

Good to meet you. And then you've got to

34:38

go back to eating spaghetti and meatballs together. It's

34:40

too weird. I've done that. We did it with a

34:43

male escort years ago with a girlfriend I had. And

34:45

I wanted to see her blow a guy. But we

34:47

got an escort so it wouldn't be somebody who got

34:49

attached to her. And he came

34:51

over and he had a considerably larger penis than

34:54

I did. She liked it a lot. That's

34:57

tough. I

35:00

one time did that in a beach town. I

35:02

was on vacation. This lady was hitting

35:04

on me. And then her husband comes over. And

35:06

her husband's just talking and he leaves. And she's

35:08

like, do you want to fuck me? And I

35:11

was like, what about your husband? She's

35:13

like, here's the deal. He's going to watch. I was

35:16

like, all right. And I go over there. And

35:18

I'm like, we start. And

35:20

he's just in the kitchen, like at the

35:23

island, drinking a beer. And like watching. I

35:25

was like, this is like behind me. I was like, this

35:27

guy's about to kill me. So I'm

35:29

like slowly like just like Turner to the side.

35:34

Did you always fall well? It was so fucking

35:36

weird. And then finally I finish. And

35:38

also I'm scared because I got my I didn't

35:40

I was so scared. I didn't take my jeans

35:42

off all the way. I got the shoes on

35:44

and the jeans on. I'm so vulnerable right now.

35:47

And so I finish and then I

35:50

get to leave. And the guy's like

35:52

on the way out. He goes, let me walk you out. And he's

35:54

like, thank you very much. All

35:56

right. Yeah, it was an

35:58

all this impersonator. By

36:01

the way, do you know the humiliation? The humiliation of

36:03

being a cuck and then a guy's like, it's funny,

36:05

I've been the bull in that situation. I did the

36:07

fucking. Yeah. Is that what they called? The bull? The

36:09

bull and the cuck, yeah. What are you, a fucking,

36:12

what are you, a rookie? Hey,

36:15

I never, I never became a bull. I was always just a

36:17

cow. Wait,

36:24

so I feel like you

36:26

skipped some parts. So did he jerk off?

36:28

He didn't do anything. He literally jerked off.

36:30

He didn't watch it. Pretty sure he was like

36:32

a MAGA hat wearing guy. He had like a

36:35

camo. The whole thing was, he was like an

36:37

army guy. He could have kicked my ass so

36:39

easily. It was terrifying and then I'm like, ooh,

36:41

equal rights. Like it was fucking, I didn't know.

36:43

It was so strange. So this is recently. I'm

36:46

not putting a timestamp on it. Okay, but it was,

36:49

it was MAGA times? Yeah, I mean,

36:51

he existed for sure. Okay. Like

36:53

in the last nine years. He was polite. He

36:56

was nice. And he was like thankful that I

36:58

railed his wife. Wow. So the

37:00

MAGA's not that bad. Yeah, I think so.

37:02

Did you wear a condom? Yeah, come on.

37:04

Good move. Did she come? No.

37:08

Who knows? She's

37:10

not coming to a fucking cuck. I did, you

37:12

know what, I did get paranoid that I left

37:14

the condom there. Oh, wow. I know.

37:16

I was like, I should've tied it off and put it

37:18

in my pocket and left. But instead,

37:21

I threw it in the trash and then for like months

37:23

later, I was like, they're probably doing shit with my comp.

37:25

Like, Bill, you know, he sounds like a faggot. Yeah,

37:32

he drank it. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah,

37:34

definitely drank that. But that's what he's drinking. Come

37:37

out of a barrel. If you're gonna drink cum,

37:39

it's fresh. I don't know. What do you do,

37:41

Jim? When

37:45

I imagine being a

37:47

cuck every morning, I'm picturing

37:49

myself standing and jerking off

37:52

on the guy. Yeah, I think maybe maybe

37:55

I don't know. I didn't I didn't really like

37:57

dig in, you know, but maybe couldn't get hard.

38:00

But he was all zipped up. He was fully he

38:02

literally was drinking a Coors light and smoking a cigarette

38:04

and I was like This is awesome. I've had that

38:06

happen. I had that happen at the stress factory. Oh,

38:09

well what happened? Yeah after the show this beautiful

38:13

like She's older than

38:15

me at the time But you know

38:17

like 38 or something. It's really sexy. She's

38:19

like hey She whispered in my

38:21

ear. I want to blow you But

38:24

my husband's gonna watch is that okay? I went yeah green was

38:26

right back there Since I've

38:28

done fucking selling my CD And

38:31

I went in the agreement But she was there and he

38:33

just stood in the corner like and like fucking

38:36

how Dracula in the shadows I I

38:40

didn't give a shit. What did you catch eyes

38:42

with him? I was there right at him. I

38:45

was like Wow

38:49

Make sure he's not reaching for something in his pocket.

38:51

I made him look down like a fucking dog It

38:57

was kind of sexy, but it

38:59

I mean she you know She

39:01

had beautiful breasts and she really was

39:03

into it and right at the end They're like,

39:05

okay bye and I helped you know, she cleaned up blah blah blah

39:07

and it was like see you later And I was like bye and

39:10

then a couple years later. I had

39:12

one of my fats like I

39:14

got fat again, uh-huh fucking and

39:18

They showed they showed up and I saw

39:20

them and I was like cuz when you

39:22

when you get fat You really don't know.

39:24

Yeah fat. You just your friends talking behind

39:26

your back house You know and

39:28

I didn't know the K guys. I'll see you

39:31

after the show. They're like nope. Bye. I just

39:33

fucking left Did

39:36

you sell her a CD I Didn't

39:38

have a CD at then. Oh the first time I

39:41

gave her a CD and then some

39:43

yeah I met a I met

39:45

a couple one time I threw the I think was

39:47

the newspaper like years ago You could write people's

39:49

his paper and it was a woman.

39:51

Yeah The

39:53

Star Ledger and all stuff in New Jersey one

39:55

ease they had singles ads I'm

40:00

about to come on your wife's pit. Extra,

40:03

extra, read all about it. Little gay man wants

40:05

to suck a guy off in front of his

40:07

wife. Well, it was only her who advertised, because

40:09

she said she wanted to meet a straight guy. And

40:12

when I talked to her, I sent her a picture through

40:14

the mail, like the regular mail. And she's

40:16

like, I'm married, but I wanted to get straight guys.

40:19

But my husband wants to watch. So I went to

40:21

their house in North Jersey. And it was so bizarre.

40:23

He looked like a little pizza maker. Like,

40:26

she was probably, I was about 22. And

40:29

she was about 35. And he was probably in

40:31

his 60s. And we 69ed,

40:33

she and I. And she was

40:35

blowing me. But then I looked over, and I realized he

40:37

was very, very close to my penis.

40:39

So I think he may have

40:41

been a little helper. But

40:45

I couldn't really tell if he was touching my dick. Was he funny

40:47

if he was doing a watercolor?

40:49

I think he got a couple of little swipes there.

40:52

Oh. I think so. Let

40:54

me tell you, you know he did. No, no, I would

40:56

tell you, please. Fuck. There's no

40:58

way. No way

41:01

you felt two tongues on your boss's dick. But

41:03

it might have been, she might have pulled off,

41:05

and he might have went off like. It's

41:08

like when you leave the dog on the

41:10

bed. You know? You're

41:13

like, somebody licked my asshole. And

41:16

it felt good. I

41:20

lost my virginity to an old

41:22

bag prostitute. And her husband was

41:24

there for the virginity. Wow.

41:28

The prostitute had a husband? You mean

41:30

pimp? I think. They seemed friendly. Yeah.

41:33

Pimps are friendlier. Did you pay, or was

41:35

it? No. No

41:37

charge. I don't know. What? I

41:39

think she had a thing for little boys. You really just weren't molested? Either

41:42

way. You were just molested by your aunt?

41:44

I was 16. She was probably

41:46

52. Yeah, you did

41:48

get molested. I got molested. That's

41:52

gross. That's my wife's age. Ugh.

41:54

Sorry. It

41:56

might have been her. It can be for the

41:59

right reason. right price? $2.50. Sorry,

42:01

Bob. If we put your wife it up,

42:03

you can buy a milking table. But

42:10

yeah, so. How

42:13

much are they? I think they're gotta be like

42:15

80 bucks. Less

42:17

than Joe's shirt, that's for

42:19

sure. 270. You've never

42:21

done anything weird. Oh,

42:23

come on, the black hookers. That's

42:25

not weird. Yeah, that's not weird. Well, you've never.

42:27

Oh, wait, they just robbed us.

42:30

I didn't even fuck anybody. They just smeared their

42:32

tits on my glasses and took my money. Like

42:37

a James Bond car. They

42:39

fogged up you. I've been robbed

42:41

by hooker. I mean, I'd like

42:43

to, I've eaten assholes out. Yeah,

42:46

but you. That's not weird at

42:48

all now. Who was he? I

42:52

don't know. Some guy wants to dress like a cow. Did

42:55

you ever have a threesome? No. Really?

43:02

Do you ever have a? Well, we had

43:04

those two old ladies that time. Oh, yeah.

43:06

Mark and I each had an old bag.

43:08

Yeah, we broke into that nurse at home.

43:11

I forgot about that. Yeah, it was after

43:13

a show. And were they sisters or aunts?

43:15

What the fuck were they? They weren't, they

43:17

weren't none. Aunts is older for some reason.

43:19

Yeah, it wasn't good. They were golden. And

43:21

we went back to their hotel. They must

43:23

have been fit. Oh, and I also had,

43:26

I fucked like a 380 pound woman while

43:29

promised that and fucked a grandmother in

43:31

the same bed. Oh, and she was

43:33

bleeding too. Oh, and

43:36

a boy Joe, Joe, Joe.

43:39

Well, I've told the story, but she also broke

43:41

the tile. She was pissing while she blew me

43:43

broke the tile. Yeah, somehow I talked about this

43:45

is an old hotel, but she was sitting on

43:48

the toilet. She's like, I got a piss so

43:50

bad. Are you sure you didn't fuck a baby

43:52

gorilla? And

43:55

while she was blowing me, I was so fucked

43:57

up. And I was like holding on the shower

43:59

curtain. And then she was like, I got a piss. And

44:01

it was like, it

44:04

was so aggressively

44:07

waterfally. And it really. While

44:09

she blew you? Yeah. Oh, you know how much

44:11

I've spent on that? That's

44:17

like a blumpkin, but not quite.

44:20

Right. Yeah. Blumpkin is blowing while

44:22

shitting. You remember?

44:24

It's a pumpkin. Remember that we did the show

44:26

Upstate. We did the show Upstate, and

44:28

we're coming back. I'm starving. I'm like, I'm hungry. I'm hungry. He's

44:30

like, yeah, I want to go. He drives like this. Now I

44:32

want to get home. I want to get home. I'm

44:35

like, I was sitting, he sees adult bookstore. Middle

44:38

of nowhere, cuts across the fucking highway. He

44:41

goes in and I'm sitting

44:43

there just waiting and he comes up. Fucking fuckers.

44:47

He's all mad. Remember you were mad? I remember the place,

44:49

but I remember why I was mad. You were mad because

44:51

guys, it was a gay. You

44:54

went in to jerk off in a booth, but it

44:57

was a gay jerk off booth. And they just kept

44:59

knocking on the door politely. Yeah. The quiet, I'm in

45:01

here. And they're like, knock, knock, knock, knock. And

45:04

you kept having to say, I'm in here. They didn't get

45:06

the hint. Well, the worst is when there's a hole in

45:08

the jerk off booth and you just see a crooked finger

45:11

come through and do that or see that that's a buzzkill.

45:13

Yeah. And I remember we went, I

45:15

just didn't understand that. And we were at the,

45:17

you finally took me to McDonald's and

45:19

I was like, uh, dude, would you

45:22

like, if, if, if someone gave you a

45:24

million dollars, you know, you do that game, dude,

45:26

would you, if somebody gave you a million dollars

45:28

cash tax free, no one will ever know, suck

45:31

off an old guy and let him come

45:33

in your mouth for a million

45:35

dollars. I like that it's tax free. All

45:39

right. Now I'm in. If Uncle

45:41

Sam got his dirty hands in there, I'm not sucking that

45:44

cock. He goes, what are

45:46

you crazy? Of course I would. I just let a black chick

45:48

shit on my chest and I paid her $500. What

45:53

are you, Vince McMahon? I

45:57

was riding around looking at

45:59

trans. gender gals one night, the meat packing

46:01

district before it got really expensive is where

46:03

all those hookers would hang out. And

46:06

there was one I just kept riding around and

46:08

looking and I pulled up to

46:10

her and she reached in and she took

46:12

my glasses because I was wearing my glasses.

46:15

And I was like, and she goes, for

46:17

wasting my time and took my glasses. And

46:20

I was like, I couldn't see it all.

46:22

Yeah. And I saw a police car drive

46:24

by and I had to drive up and I beat the

46:27

horn. I flashed down the police car and

46:29

I'm like, that lady took my glasses. So the

46:31

police had to go and

46:33

get this woman to give back my

46:35

glasses like a horny Karen and the

46:38

cops like, you know that those are

46:40

not chicks. I'm like, Oh, I didn't

46:42

know. I

46:47

didn't have my glasses on. I was driving

46:49

back from a shitty Jersey gig of mine

46:51

with this new kid and was sitting in

46:53

the B packing district. He came through the

46:56

hall and tunnel and we're at a red

46:58

light and the kid goes and we see

47:00

these transgender hookers coming down and

47:02

then, you know, they're barely

47:04

trying. One

47:07

of them looked like Lamont from San Francisco.

47:11

And he goes, he goes, he's

47:13

like, yo, man, is it true

47:16

about Jim Norton that he is

47:18

that all bullshit? Is that true?

47:20

And I literally looked in my

47:22

left and at the car next

47:24

to me at the light with

47:26

him a little Saturn. It's probably

47:28

the same night you got your

47:30

glasses stolen. No, no, no, that

47:32

was your question. I went Norton

47:34

Saturn. I'm surprised you

47:37

weren't driving a Uranus. The

47:42

glasses thing is that's brutal. Oh yeah.

47:44

She's reached right in and snatched. I've

47:46

invaded my space. It's humiliating. I've never

47:48

liked street street prostitutes. It's exciting.

47:50

Yeah. Oh yeah. Now it's I would never

47:53

do a prostitute because you go to their

47:55

house. Yeah. Yeah.

47:57

They're in their apartment. It's like. You

48:00

know too much. You see their dog and

48:03

their couch and their DVD collection. I don't

48:05

know, bump into like an open micro that's

48:07

staying living next door in the same house

48:09

in Astoria. Right, right. That's

48:11

about me. I

48:14

had lunch. Well back in the day, on

48:18

43rd Street, there was just all

48:20

street walk. Oh, yeah. Before the

48:22

internet, there were girls like

48:24

in G-strings and high heels, just

48:27

walking the streets and as soon as you pulled up, they

48:29

come up to the car, yo baby. And

48:31

it was kind of exciting. Even if you weren't

48:33

gonna do it, just to talk to them and

48:36

let them reach in and grab you a cot.

48:38

You a cot? No, no, no, no, no. That's hot.

48:40

There was a hat station on 10th Avenue right by

48:43

that hat station. Yeah, right over there. It was

48:45

wild. Oh, yeah. I grew up in

48:47

a predominantly black neighborhood and my dad was the

48:50

whitest man on the planet and he dressed like

48:52

Joe. So

48:55

like black kids would be playing in the fire

48:57

hydrant spray and he'd pull up before school and

48:59

be like, excuse me, that's illegal. And I was

49:01

like, oh, jeez. But there

49:03

was one morning where there was a couple of hookers

49:05

out in front of our house hooking. And my dad

49:07

was like, you can't stand here. And

49:09

they're like, fuck you, motherfucker. And they start

49:11

kicking the car with the heels. I

49:14

didn't know what was going on. I was like, these ladies are crazy.

49:16

Later I found out because I fucked one of them. I

49:21

didn't know they were hookers at the time. I was too

49:23

innocent. You ever hit the hooker

49:26

game? I know you got a 14 year old and a 6 year old that listens.

49:28

Yeah, yeah. Both of them hooker

49:31

moms. Hooker

49:33

moms is a new MTV show. It was

49:35

a payment plan. So I got to keep

49:38

going. You

49:40

know, I've dabbled in my life. I've dabbled a little

49:42

bit. I don't, you know. They're going to come back

49:44

to New York, I think. The

49:47

street walking will probably never happen again because

49:49

it's all on apps and online. It's just

49:51

so much easier. The migrants will need work.

49:55

What's the new website we were talking about? The regs?

49:58

Oh, I don't know. I forget. Eero's.

50:02

Website? Yeah, the Eero, you know

50:04

Eero's. Eero's is still up, yeah. Yeah, it's still up,

50:06

but it's like the high end, like buying a Lexus.

50:08

I just want to get like a used pre-owned Toyota.

50:10

Yeah. Yeah. He's not

50:12

spending over 150, that's it. What

50:15

is it, 87? At

50:18

least 200. What's

50:21

still going on right now? I haven't in literally in

50:23

five years. Wow. I haven't

50:25

fucked anybody else. I'm

50:29

big, man. What are you? That's huge, dude.

50:31

Yeah, I believe, I've not cheated on my

50:33

wife. It's amazing. Good for you. You

50:36

could have bought a house with the money you

50:38

spent on profits. Really? Yeah. Did

50:40

you buy new glasses? No, I went

50:42

back to contacts. I was like, ah, they'll never get me again.

50:45

That would be so awful.

50:47

She's like, hey. Yeah, you can

50:49

buy one. They just came in

50:51

them. So, Andrew, did

50:54

you prepare a

50:56

story? Because I

50:58

told Andrew, you bring a humdinger. I

51:02

got one. Trigger warning, it's a three

51:04

sexual assaults in one night situation. All

51:06

right. You raped three women.

51:08

Oh, no, no, no. Come on. That's

51:10

a good one. No, no, no. It's

51:13

a good one. I can't wait. Yeah. 25

51:15

years old, go down to Mexico for the very first time. I

51:18

went with a lady who was, she was my roommate

51:20

at the time. She goes, let's go to Mexico. I'll

51:22

pay for it all because I'm broke. I got nothing.

51:25

I was like, oh, well, this lady doesn't want

51:27

anything from me. This is perfect. And we go

51:29

to Mexico. Matamoros, which is a border town, real

51:31

piece of shit drug town. And

51:34

we go down the main street and this guy

51:36

in Spanish goes, $13 all you can drink. I

51:40

was like, that's all I got. So that's perfect.

51:42

Good deal. Wow. Yeah.

51:45

So I go in and it's just like horchata containers,

51:47

like full of booze. Like one says Jack and Coke

51:49

on it, but it was definitely like gasoline. It was

51:52

bad. So it was shit. This is on the Texas

51:54

side of the Mexico. No, we're in Mexico. We left

51:56

Texas already. But we're like, we're

51:58

like a mile and a half from. Texas.

52:01

But back then all you needed is an

52:03

ID. Now they care who comes over and

52:05

back. But back then, just an ID. So

52:08

we go in, we're getting hammered, we're having a

52:11

great time. They have a shot bar, there's four

52:13

shot glasses, and there's a guy with two fingers.

52:15

That's crazy, right? As an old man, you go

52:17

up, you're like, can I get two shots? He'd

52:19

pour half Sprite, half tequila, he'd slam it down,

52:22

he'd give it to you, and

52:24

then he wouldn't wash and give it

52:26

to the next person. It was disgusting.

52:28

It was brutal. So the shot is

52:30

half, half tequila, half Sprite. It

52:32

was $13 dollars, all you can drink, what were

52:35

we expecting? So we're having a

52:38

good time. I'm pretty fucking hammered at this

52:40

point. And we're dancing, and this

52:42

girl comes over to me, and she's like,

52:44

hey, my friend thinks you're cute. You

52:46

want to dance with him? And I go, yeah, I'd

52:49

love to dance with him. Were you dancing with just

52:51

you and your friend? Just us, just hanging out. You

52:53

and a dude? That was a girl. Oh, sorry. Yeah,

52:55

yeah. She looked like you, but she was a girl.

52:57

She looked like a goth, people

53:00

are elf. I

53:05

know girls like that, and they'll blow you while pissing. Yeah,

53:07

well, we're

53:10

dancing, and we're having a good time. This lady comes over,

53:12

she's like, you want to dance with my friend? I'd love

53:14

to. And then a few minutes

53:16

later, I'm surrounded by like 10 people, and they're like

53:18

circling all around us and dancing. And I'm like, what

53:21

the hell's going on? And I realized I'm in a

53:23

gay bar. It's all guys. And I was like, oh,

53:25

shit. I'm cool with that.

53:28

I'm okay. Like, I'm not gonna make a deal

53:30

of it. But then I go, I gotta

53:32

get out of this situation. And there's a language barrier.

53:34

And I don't know how to say, I don't want

53:36

to suck your cock. But you

53:38

know, so I just go, hey, I gotta

53:41

go to the bathroom. I'll be back. I didn't realize.

53:43

That's the wrong thing to do. Yeah, literally.

53:46

No fucking the

53:48

cock sucking can Yeah, that means like,

53:51

somebody like I got it. I gotta

53:53

go to the bathroom. That's

53:55

the ringing a dinner bell. Yeah. And I didn't

53:57

know But

54:00

I gotta go drop trowel if you know what

54:02

I mean. I'm gonna go take a poop. I

54:06

gotta get blown. So

54:09

I go to the bathroom and I'm pretending to

54:11

pee at the urinal. Just trying to like I'm too

54:13

drunk to really like how do I handle this. And

54:15

two guys followed me into the stall. And

54:20

then I turn around my dicks out because I'm not good

54:22

at pretending I guess. You're hard. Well

54:24

one of them grabs my dick and puts it in the

54:26

other guy's mouth. Nice. And then

54:28

the other one grabs it and I'm like fucking drunk

54:30

and I'm like oh this feels awesome. Uh. Wow.

54:34

But I put it in the other guy's mouth. I

54:36

didn't he did it. They were like boom boom. Oh

54:38

yeah they were sharing. They were like uh. They were

54:40

like bring hard Monty and your dick. Yeah it was

54:42

the whole thing. And they're sharing

54:44

I'm like panicking and I'm like this feels good but

54:47

you know I don't I'm too like I can't you

54:49

know. And so so I go uh I support

54:51

you guys but I don't really support this so

54:53

we get out of here. I

54:56

love that. I love that you're so liberal

54:58

while getting raised you're like I'm for gay

55:00

marriage. I just. It's

55:02

a gay assault. I'm a little awkward. Yeah

55:04

I'm a snowflake for sure. And

55:07

then the security comes in he bangs on he's like hey

55:09

what are you boys doing in there. I was like I

55:11

ain't doing nothing man. I'm doing nothing. And uh. Don't

55:14

tell me he came in and started sucking you balls.

55:19

And he kicks us out. And I we

55:21

get kicked out of the bathroom and I'm like I

55:23

wasn't really even doing anything. It was all them. And

55:25

I get to my friend I was like we got

55:27

to get the fuck out of here. She goes what

55:29

happened. I was like let's just not

55:31

talk about it. And he's kind

55:33

of like puffed up at this point. I just got the

55:36

best job of my life. I know. Yeah it was great.

55:38

But I was like panicking. I was too you know honestly

55:40

that was my 20s. If it was my 30s I'd be

55:42

like you guys just finished and then we'll get out of

55:44

here. Yeah you know. I got to get

55:46

out of here. I met Jim Norton at a bar. Crazy.

55:50

They were sharing it. Yeah. Yeah they were going

55:52

back and forth but I was too much. A

55:54

guy spit is disgusting to me. Yeah.

55:58

Really. Yeah disgusting a man spit. That's

56:01

where you draw the line? Alright.

56:04

Alright. No one saw that

56:06

coming. I like that with a

56:08

man's foot by the way. A man has sandals. I'd

56:11

rather suck a guy's dick than his toes. Yep. I

56:14

remember I went... Sorry, go ahead. No, I

56:16

was just... I went through one of those

56:18

massage powers and then 20 minutes in the

56:20

massage I looked down and there was

56:23

a dude's foot and women's flip-flops. And

56:25

I looked up and it was just an Asian, old Asian

56:27

guy and he went, we were busy. Hahaha.

56:33

Was that good? So

56:35

what happened? Did you leave the bar? Alright, so I grabbed my

56:37

friend, I was like, we gotta get the fuck out of here

56:39

and we get out of that bar and we walk back to

56:41

America. And, uh... Hahaha.

56:46

The smell of tequila on your cock. Oh

56:48

yeah, Simon and Garfogel's dog. And I was like,

56:50

dude, you won't believe how I kind of tell her the whole story and

56:52

at this point I'm fucking hammered. Like, I'm brown, I'm

56:55

not blackout, but I'm coming in and out, right? And

56:58

so we get to the days in that we're staying in and

57:01

we got two beds, I lay in one, she lays in the

57:03

other and I kind of fall asleep

57:06

and I come too and she's on top of

57:08

me. Whoa. And then I kind of fall asleep

57:10

again. You got raped twice? Well...

57:12

Hold on. Technically three times.

57:15

Hahaha. But then she's on top

57:17

of me, right? And I come to again and

57:19

she's like on my dick. And I'm like, oh

57:21

shit. Inside her? Inside,

57:23

inside. And I remember

57:26

this moment, I remember being

57:28

confused about what happened earlier. I was like, that felt pretty

57:30

awesome. But then also

57:32

remembering, I hate what's going on right

57:34

now. So you're gay. Right? So

57:37

what? You're so close because this

57:39

is what I got. I look at her and I go, I

57:42

think I'm gay. Oh, sorry. Thanks for

57:44

ruining that. Sorry. I

57:46

just wanted to call you gay. But

57:50

then she goes, why does this always happen

57:52

to me? And

57:55

my first thought was like, probably because of the rape. But

57:58

you know, and then she cried. And

58:00

I cried and I held her all night long

58:02

When we drove for back four hours back to Houston

58:05

the next day and said no words and I moved

58:07

out the next day Wow,

58:09

we're buddies. How did you choose my

58:11

roommate? Whoa? Yeah, it was brutal

58:13

It was the worst roommate ever had see lady.

58:15

You guys got it good you rape someone and

58:18

they hold you all night Doesn't

58:21

happen with us. Yeah Like

1:00:00

a maybe we are assessing. Yeah,

1:00:05

what of those are going to awesome cost

1:00:07

and this guy was disgusted. With. That

1:00:09

bother you know be like being in a mirror. S.

1:00:17

Other. As

1:00:19

your mouth rather have, you had to be on

1:00:21

one side of a glory hole. Which side would

1:00:23

you rather be on the side? Didn't you dick

1:00:26

Sucked to decide? Second, the. Second

1:00:31

pole vault of are not say what were

1:00:33

the others better of the sand gives you

1:00:35

rather than what the lipstick on his slack

1:00:37

off as beautiful clock or have some strangers

1:00:40

sucked in your deck can I ask a

1:00:42

question? yeah you put your dick in a

1:00:44

glory hole and some. Someone.

1:00:46

Started sucking yet. But

1:00:49

you were going to knew who was. Would you be okay with

1:00:51

that? Are you have to know? Is it

1:00:53

a girl or is it a guide? or is he a

1:00:55

sister? I.

1:00:58

Think. I'd

1:01:01

like to know who it is. I guess

1:01:03

you are now. We're so glad. Defeat the

1:01:05

purpose of a Gordo isn't the whole thing

1:01:08

like you don't know. I don't understand. The

1:01:10

Hulk has yet to be like lotta guess

1:01:12

this is not something that's exactly right you're

1:01:14

fucking face is against would car here the

1:01:17

other way the other way. With that the

1:01:19

other way when you mean who sang with

1:01:21

the guy. Would. Way

1:01:23

to consider kids yet be to we stick

1:01:25

your dick in. Yeah hey, there's an alleged

1:01:28

Vienna lean on and look over as as

1:01:30

it. Was

1:01:32

every every i don't wanna get blown

1:01:34

standing up or against the law says

1:01:37

exactly as I sang about where your

1:01:39

face is down there now that's obvious

1:01:41

your favorite novel getting blown to of

1:01:43

the whole you find out what I

1:01:45

would have to have like you know

1:01:47

they have different size shirts. Just.

1:01:49

Let over us have different

1:01:51

size desires. Glory hole walls.

1:01:53

Sure he reaches the girl

1:01:55

was I've seen as I.

1:01:58

You. Know like the six. Would. I

1:02:01

would have the get like that sanded

1:02:03

quarter inch fly was. Just

1:02:06

to make it worth it, would have

1:02:08

guy was lips that kind of stretching.

1:02:10

Come through the aside if this is

1:02:12

a glory hole. screen door can have

1:02:14

your face in the netting and you

1:02:16

can look down a number of ways.

1:02:18

I. Had

1:02:21

known as your physician the Summer

1:02:24

House. What's the best position to be

1:02:26

blown? It. Seated. Laying

1:02:28

I like I like the

1:02:30

be standing. Real. Know a

1:02:32

guy but my knees that. Was

1:02:36

it may start to buckle?

1:02:38

Luckily. I. Was an auto fill and

1:02:40

I have a black twitter I hear it's

1:02:42

from the back but says what I've heard

1:02:44

of the Milky a milky murderer We have

1:02:46

no the like suck at it from the

1:02:48

back of noise is that neither of them

1:02:50

are you fucking towels? Or us.

1:02:52

There's no. I get our tix reach

1:02:55

through the back seat of a cow.

1:02:57

eyes it is. Yeah, I did. Not

1:02:59

a vulgar major to the can I

1:03:01

have you done this on a cowbell?

1:03:03

Guys Give you your an honest person

1:03:05

if she doesn't finish your bluebells. Sassafras

1:03:07

slaps a blue ribbon on my ass.

1:03:10

One of the other. I

1:03:13

prefer to sit get blood vertices yesterday

1:03:15

is more comfortable as employ my nipples

1:03:17

the I lay down. Their.

1:03:22

Reached. Out such as as. I

1:03:24

saw our to be on my back. Yard.

1:03:27

Good idea that bag legs up a

1:03:30

little bit. Hold. The ankles yet

1:03:32

read year. Syrups

1:03:34

and as they eat my pussy. Ass

1:03:37

the called a pussy. That's right I

1:03:40

like em if my balls the save

1:03:42

my pussy. Have you ever says i've

1:03:44

really know Serbia and I am just

1:03:47

court what am I have much as

1:03:49

right like other oh yeah all of

1:03:51

the fucking wild animal alcoholic he said

1:03:54

you had a girly you but you

1:03:56

city to my pussy yes the surface

1:03:58

I do. Yeah,

1:04:01

I would have never been a dead all

1:04:03

right now. So yes, it's funny. I

1:04:05

actually slap my own ass. was. In

1:04:09

high office says where's as

1:04:11

we has were so into

1:04:13

it as a as a.

1:04:19

Pass. And grime. Some.

1:04:23

Of those of a lot. So Fucking Christ.

1:04:27

I slapped her that she's when I just

1:04:29

never return or as ruin. Did.

1:04:31

You slap your own as. As

1:04:35

a yeah. My buddy

1:04:37

and I told us we gave an intervention to

1:04:39

a stripper who her move was the slap her

1:04:41

ass so fucking hard like sue every time she

1:04:44

death and mr glove often as we go. At

1:04:49

it was like it was wealth it up

1:04:51

because have purple and yellow fuck are we

1:04:53

sat there were like hey. To move

1:04:55

here and we were like oh you

1:04:57

don't have to do that donald think

1:04:59

anyone's really react like know is the

1:05:01

product and it felt like we did

1:05:03

an active service nobody like if you

1:05:05

look like nobody's like oh and are

1:05:07

branded as and all yellow and ship

1:05:09

it literally as the strippers version of

1:05:12

same lot of crazy shit going on.

1:05:16

Iraq has all the onset of us have to

1:05:18

have a move. Sets

1:05:20

them apart. And. I remember with

1:05:22

one strip club. And. It was

1:05:24

an older stripper. The chemo: she's pretty, but

1:05:27

she's older later in the show. And.

1:05:29

Her move would. Take. When and

1:05:31

toilet wash. All. The smudge days

1:05:33

from the other stripper off. A cliff. Ah,

1:05:36

ago. so creative you just

1:05:38

about. On. I was meaning she

1:05:40

was hired to do notice. He says he. Says

1:05:43

that I get home it's out bend over

1:05:45

our lockers asos was up from the other.

1:05:48

saw it as a way of i own

1:05:50

a stripper. Really guy. Yeah you're thing is

1:05:52

gonna be unclog and the toilet make. It.

1:06:02

No, I've been told the story before but

1:06:04

I also had we went to Montreal time

1:06:06

I'm sure the same Boston like we were

1:06:08

under age. You drive to Montreal, you could

1:06:10

drink and go to strip clubs. We're pretty

1:06:12

litter and I see and twenty Yes! And

1:06:14

so we went up there. and what have

1:06:16

we fooled our money to get a double

1:06:18

dog show? These two women would particular the

1:06:20

back Friday after I get my shit sailor.

1:06:26

So there is a fucking each other and then

1:06:28

she was like what, what's your name. And

1:06:30

I was like ah Joe

1:06:32

and she was like oh

1:06:35

I have small fact my

1:06:37

Ss Naylor possesses a scenario

1:06:39

side and I thought about

1:06:41

that because the glasses people

1:06:43

think I want to be

1:06:46

called small bit. Like

1:06:49

out to be small deck like. Many

1:06:52

say your taxes on. What

1:06:54

Is The British? Other

1:06:57

been there are other asian I

1:06:59

and. I was assigned was

1:07:01

so. You like it.

1:07:04

Know I was it into it. I don't

1:07:06

want to be. I want to be called

1:07:08

small Big. I don't I said he'd talk

1:07:10

regular and then do an Asian accent. Was

1:07:13

your name Joe? Ah, Ah

1:07:17

ah ah ah. Ah,

1:07:21

volcano. Know that was

1:07:23

a satellite. be around a.

1:07:26

Little Spring Roll. Is

1:07:29

best. Your pub I ever went to was.

1:07:32

The. Most fucked up on was

1:07:34

in Troy, New York. Ah no.

1:07:36

Troy Girls' Room at Albany is

1:07:39

a fucking shit all oh yeah.

1:07:41

so me, Billie Birds, Yoda Rosa,

1:07:43

and I believe Jay were doing

1:07:45

the college or. And

1:07:48

we did the college and will walk around

1:07:50

rule city town there and is a millisecond

1:07:52

old subway. Yeah. The windows are all

1:07:54

blocked up away with this is something we open the

1:07:56

door. Is. a like strip club

1:07:59

hook kind of on its last

1:08:01

legs. And we walk in,

1:08:03

there's just two dudes like this staring

1:08:05

at the stage, two girls on the stage.

1:08:07

We walk in, they were like pumped. Yeah.

1:08:10

Like, hey! And I go, oh, what's up? And they sat

1:08:13

us down and we're hanging out. And then I went up

1:08:15

to the guy, I go, right when New York was like,

1:08:17

no more smoking. I was like, dude, can we smoke? He

1:08:19

goes, fucking walked over. He Bronx tailed

1:08:21

it, locked the door. He can now.

1:08:24

Wow. I was like, oh my God.

1:08:26

And then he goes, yo, Gary to

1:08:28

the DJ. Let's do it. These

1:08:31

girls, all of a sudden

1:08:33

the lights start going on and off. Bow, bow.

1:08:35

These girls have a duffel bag, each

1:08:38

one of them, of dildos. And

1:08:40

the stage was a pit that you kind of went

1:08:42

up and looked in. And so

1:08:44

we all went up and they're just in

1:08:46

there and they start doing all this crazy

1:08:48

shit they weren't doing. And they're taking dildos

1:08:51

and they're putting it. And as they're doing

1:08:53

it, the lights are going down, down, down,

1:08:55

the music's going down. And it's like, boom.

1:08:57

And all of a sudden she's going to

1:08:59

put this thing in this other girl and

1:09:01

it goes dark. And the guy goes, you

1:09:04

want those lights up? Start kipping,

1:09:06

boys. And we're like, fuck. Those

1:09:10

lights go up. Motherfucker.

1:09:13

And he did that like five times.

1:09:16

It was the most crazy amount. We just

1:09:18

went, ah, ah, ah, ah, like a little

1:09:20

bit softer now. A little bit, ah, ah,

1:09:22

a little bit louder now. Wow.

1:09:26

Is this still there? No, it's

1:09:28

gone. Fuck. And then Joe DeRosa,

1:09:31

right at the end, we had such a

1:09:33

great night. It was smoking. It was fucking

1:09:35

great. And the guy goes, ah, two for

1:09:37

one dances right now. They

1:09:39

all went up to get

1:09:41

two for one up to the upper

1:09:43

VIPs. I stayed down to smoke because

1:09:46

I don't really like strip clothes and stuff. I don't want to get

1:09:48

a dance. I like that shit. You sound like you hate them. Well,

1:09:51

that was fun. But

1:09:54

all of a sudden, I see Joe DeRosa. His

1:09:57

girl walking down fucking huffing and

1:09:59

puffing. And then Joe's falling, or

1:10:01

kind of going, yeah, yeah, why not? You

1:10:03

know, I couldn't hear him, but he could

1:10:05

see his body. Why not, either? And

1:10:08

then I see the guy fucking

1:10:10

arguing, and Joe's like, no, the thing is,

1:10:12

I walk over, she danced,

1:10:15

I guess it was half of a

1:10:17

second song. Whatever. He's like,

1:10:19

it wasn't two dances, man. You

1:10:22

know, man, you said it's two dances.

1:10:24

You know, his jazzy fucking,

1:10:27

you know, man, I paid for

1:10:29

two dances, you gave me one and a half. I just,

1:10:31

you know, what's up with that? And she goes,

1:10:33

I did two dances. And the

1:10:36

guy's like, hey, man, they don't grope you.

1:10:38

He goes, I didn't say grope. I never

1:10:40

said, he's like, if you want them to

1:10:42

grope you, then go somewhere else. This is

1:10:45

not what they don't grope. He's like, hey,

1:10:47

stop saying grope. He's like, you want her

1:10:49

to grind you? And that's not, he's

1:10:51

like, I didn't say grind. He starts fighting

1:10:54

with the guy. Jesus. Over a fucking half

1:10:56

a song. We just saw almost

1:10:59

a work of art in a

1:11:01

pit with a bag of dildos and a DJ.

1:11:04

And this fucking no-show-the-cocksucker

1:11:07

had to ruin the whole night we got kicked

1:11:09

out. What? Yeah, we had to go. Oh.

1:11:12

And how much were they dancing? 20 bucks for two

1:11:14

songs? 20 bucks. It was 10. No,

1:11:17

it was 20. 20 bucks. 20

1:11:20

bucks, yeah. Yeah. Greatest night ever, though.

1:11:22

Man, I wanted to relive that game in

1:11:25

other versions of my life. Oh, the

1:11:27

pit? The jerk it off or something. Yeah. Have

1:11:29

my wife come in, just dim the lights. What's

1:11:33

the really shitty strip club in Everett? King

1:11:36

Arthur's. King Arthur's. Yeah, King Arthur's.

1:11:38

It was a great ball.

1:11:41

In Everett, Everett, Massachusetts. Oh, just

1:11:43

a bunch of chicks with C-sections.

1:11:46

Yeah. I saw a fucking wild

1:11:48

thing there one time. That

1:11:51

strip club, they didn't have a sneeze guard.

1:11:53

They had a yellow rope, like a high

1:11:55

school football game. Like a little

1:11:57

stringy rope. And this stripper was dancing.

1:12:00

and this old man reached over

1:12:02

and just licked her asshole. And

1:12:05

they fucking tackled him. They caught him and like tackled him

1:12:08

and beat the shit out of him. He should pay him

1:12:10

for that. He went full lick of the asshole. Whoa.

1:12:12

Which was bold and beautiful. That's before

1:12:14

baby wipes. It was really

1:12:16

a sight to see. And it

1:12:19

felt like that scene in Ocean's 11 where he was

1:12:21

trying to escape and we were rooting for him. We

1:12:23

were like, go buddy. And they fucking got him. I

1:12:25

assume he's dead. They beat the fuck out of him.

1:12:27

Wow. The whole club was in the middle of oil

1:12:29

fields. Like in Everett they

1:12:31

have these big oil tankers and

1:12:34

even the ground is polluted. The whole area is

1:12:36

polluted. And in the middle of it is just

1:12:38

this awful strip club. Maybe that guy was just trying

1:12:40

to get some air. A clean air

1:12:42

out of her asshole. The

1:12:45

audience is putting their coats on. Oh, this

1:12:47

guy's getting ready to leave. He's got to just put his

1:12:50

jacket on. That's because he's getting a hard on from all

1:12:52

the stripper talkers. See,

1:12:54

what do women do when they get all horned up?

1:12:57

You don't want to go to strip clubs, ladies. What

1:12:59

do you guys do? They fuck guys. Really?

1:13:03

Yeah, they just meet a guy and go, fuck you. And

1:13:05

then you're going to leave. Really? Yeah.

1:13:08

Yeah. That's so nice. Man.

1:13:11

I wish I could just fuck a guy any time I wanted to. No,

1:13:13

no. Not that I... How nice of you to

1:13:15

have to be. No, that's not what we're talking about. Jim, how do you

1:13:17

do it? And that's who? For sure.

1:13:19

Yeah, I don't... How many... What?

1:13:24

I don't know what you were asking me. It was a joke. It was a

1:13:26

joke about you fucking dudes. Oh, I don't fuck dudes.

1:13:29

I'm not gay. I'm like, put a dress

1:13:31

on her. I'm

1:13:33

getting out of here. I'm going to queer. Sorry,

1:13:35

I zoned out for a second. It's

1:13:39

all right. Yeah. You were

1:13:41

going to say something. Oh, I don't remember what it was. I just zoned

1:13:43

out. All right, boy. It must

1:13:45

be weird now, though, because I... We grew

1:13:47

up... Me and Jim grew up where

1:13:50

you had to meet a girl, talk to her, see her

1:13:52

a bunch of times, take her

1:13:54

on a date, talk... First base, second base, third

1:13:56

base. Now there's apps that you can just

1:13:58

tell... I want

1:14:00

this, I don't want that. Swipe

1:14:03

me, fuck

1:14:06

leave. I mean it's weird.

1:14:08

We also grew up that way. We're not like 50

1:14:10

years apart. I never had an app. I had no

1:14:12

app. The app came after I

1:14:14

was, no. Zero app play. I

1:14:17

feel like I could do well now with the suit and

1:14:19

the money. And after a

1:14:21

wasteland, you don't want the apps. It's a fucking nightmare out

1:14:23

there. They're fun at first. No app? You can have a

1:14:25

good time on the app. I can't delete it all. I

1:14:27

can't do the app. You know that a good run? Yes.

1:14:30

You know. I got

1:14:33

a couple of committee is out of it. Wow. You

1:14:36

get that without the app. I

1:14:38

got crabs twice from the same redhead.

1:14:40

Yeah. That's kind of on you

1:14:42

though. It's the same person. I

1:14:45

have herpes without the app. Imagine what I could do

1:14:47

with an app. I

1:14:49

could cure it. Good point. I

1:14:51

bet you there's a whole app for herpes dating. There is.

1:14:53

There's got to be. It's called Herpes. I

1:14:56

swear to God. Look it up. Is that

1:14:58

right? Oh yeah. I need my own

1:15:00

wife to pass away. What's wrong with you? I'm just kidding.

1:15:02

I've done terribly on the apps. I was on the apps for a

1:15:04

little while. Bumble and Hinge and Raya. I did fucking. Raya

1:15:07

and Derek don't think he's right. I did meet trans girls. Yeah.

1:15:11

I just cried on the whole date and I left. Is there a

1:15:13

trans there? Like a transatlantic? No. They're

1:15:15

all hookers on those apps. Yeah. I didn't

1:15:17

do it. I didn't do it. I didn't do

1:15:19

it. I didn't do it. I

1:15:21

didn't do it. Transatlantic or? No. They're

1:15:24

all hookers on those apps. Yeah. I didn't

1:15:26

do well at all on the apps. All right. Trans man.

1:15:29

You cried with a hooker? No. She was a regular

1:15:31

girl and I met and we went out and I

1:15:33

was just depressed. Trans girl? Yeah. And

1:15:35

you cried? Well not. I

1:15:37

just left. I left the date early. I was

1:15:39

depressed. Did she tell you to leave? No. But

1:15:41

she didn't want to see me again. I was like you want to get

1:15:43

together again? She's like no. I'd rather not.

1:15:45

No daddy. You a queer. Yeah.

1:15:48

I did terrible on the apps. No success. The

1:15:52

app seems nice because what's the one tinder? Is that the

1:15:54

one that tells you like 11 feet away? Yeah.

1:15:57

Oh did they do that? No. I

1:16:00

was with Kevin Meaney in Aruba and

1:16:02

he was on Grindr. And

1:16:07

it said on his app, there's a gay guy a

1:16:09

foot away from me. That's

1:16:11

a great app if you're homophobic. I

1:16:17

would just make sure there's no fucking gays

1:16:19

around me. It's like a

1:16:21

ghost buster. You gotta

1:16:23

charge your battery. That

1:16:26

takes a piece of shit. I'm

1:16:28

acting out him saying there's a gay person. I'm

1:16:32

saying you gotta change the battery

1:16:34

because I'm not gay. Nothing worse

1:16:37

than when you're in character and someone

1:16:39

goes, what's that? Sorry. But

1:16:44

anyways, he was gay

1:16:46

and he's dead. Rest in peace. Yes,

1:16:49

absolutely. He died?

1:16:51

Yeah. I'm kidding, I know that. Great

1:16:55

guy. That's a good way to go

1:16:57

because you went in your sleep. But

1:16:59

he came out of the closet,

1:17:01

did this whole life. Everybody was

1:17:03

cool with him, had success and got in

1:17:06

shape, lost all that weight. And

1:17:08

then, I mean, honest to God,

1:17:10

it's like that fear I have. I lost all the

1:17:12

weight too. It would suck

1:17:14

to just go on the couch because

1:17:17

you're there. You fucking did it. You

1:17:19

worked so hard. He's doing great back at

1:17:21

the cellar. And then you're just

1:17:23

gone. Your heart just gives

1:17:25

up. That's good for him because he didn't

1:17:27

know but fucked up. Yeah.

1:17:30

Yep. And now there's a documentary

1:17:32

about We Are The World. That was his big bit. He could

1:17:35

have brought it back. I mean, he never stopped doing it. But

1:17:37

it would be hitting. That was a hit

1:17:39

or miss though. I middled him

1:17:41

somewhere and he bombed or

1:17:44

killed and when

1:17:46

he was bombing, didn't act like

1:17:48

he was bombing with that bit. He

1:17:50

just fucking... He had that

1:17:52

energy and he's done and the crowd

1:17:54

was like this. Much like

1:17:57

as I'm telling this story right now. Well

1:18:00

you made everybody sad, it was such a fun time.

1:18:02

And you're like, and Kevin, he finally found his life

1:18:04

and then he just, he died. I

1:18:08

gotta add some fucking type of realness. We were talking

1:18:11

about gay shit for an hour and a half. These

1:18:14

girls are like, all right, we get it.

1:18:16

Yeah, let's pep them up with a little

1:18:18

death talk. Yeah. Is

1:18:22

there any app that you

1:18:25

can be like? Oh

1:18:27

shit. Oh no. There's

1:18:29

a Kevin Meany fan. Oh no. No,

1:18:32

he just turned his app on with somebody in the bathroom.

1:18:36

You gotta be on, what are you on, Uber Eats? All

1:18:39

right. I

1:18:43

hope you get AIDS. I

1:18:45

will, it's coming. Yeah. Is

1:18:48

there an app though that you can get where you can say

1:18:50

there's a girl, like you

1:18:52

know, a girl right there, a couple of feet

1:18:55

away that wants to hook up? No. Wow.

1:18:58

And you know why? There's not, cause of men like

1:19:00

you, you fucking psycho. No. That

1:19:03

wouldn't get watched. He's got

1:19:05

his own app, it's a registered sex offender. Those

1:19:10

are no joke, man. They show you your neighborhood. Yep.

1:19:14

It's like red dots everywhere. Oh right,

1:19:16

well you can see where the offenders are. Yeah,

1:19:18

I bet if we hit the Gramercy Theater right

1:19:20

now, it's fucking, that thing would explode. Somebody

1:19:23

just opened up a fresca? They

1:19:27

got good ears. What

1:19:29

are you, Daredevil? No,

1:19:33

I'm Devil Dog. Who's

1:19:36

Devil Dog? Cake. It's

1:19:39

like a yodel. They were terrible cakes too, by

1:19:41

the way. They were like little, like little, kind

1:19:43

of like little cylinder shaped cakes with very little

1:19:46

cream. They were terrible, terrible. Devil Dog's the worst,

1:19:48

cause it was the driest thing ever. If you

1:19:50

didn't have milk, you could die. Yeah. But,

1:19:53

Bobby made his own milk. Ha, ha. Are

1:19:57

you who in a ho-ho? Oh

1:19:59

yeah. The creme de la fucking

1:20:01

crown. I mean that thing was

1:20:03

moist and delicious. God damn

1:20:05

it I could eat all the... Sousa Q

1:20:08

was like holy shit. That was two big moist cakes

1:20:10

with the cream. Ringdings were great too.

1:20:13

I'm a yodel guy. A yodel

1:20:15

is like a dick. A ringdings is

1:20:17

like a ringdings. All the

1:20:19

same thing basically. We've been talking about Pussy for

1:20:21

an hour and a half. This is the most

1:20:24

exciting thing. I miss it. I

1:20:27

really miss it. Three. You're

1:20:32

not doing the cakes? I can't. What?

1:20:38

I was 350 pounds dude. I remember.

1:20:41

No I can't have a fucking... Wow.

1:20:45

Good for you for holding out. I'm not

1:20:48

holding out. Yeah. Him

1:20:51

with hookers. Yeah. He's

1:20:55

married. My

1:20:58

uncle lost a lot of weight. Hundreds of pounds. He

1:21:01

was in the same ship here. My uncle.

1:21:03

He was finally so happy. And

1:21:05

he all died. We

1:21:09

are the world. How'd

1:21:15

he lose it? I don't know.

1:21:18

I think he's exercising. He might not... oh cancer. Oh

1:21:21

yeah. There

1:21:24

you go. Yeah we're

1:21:26

all gonna die. That sucks. Yeah. That's

1:21:28

inevitable. That's where you gotta live. Damn

1:21:31

it. Get on Grindr. Any

1:21:34

gays here? That

1:21:36

was a lady. Yeah we don't count those. That

1:21:39

doesn't count. Ladies

1:21:41

are gay. Yeah

1:21:43

but they're fun. I don't know

1:21:46

why gay ladies. Those are too normal. I'm a

1:21:48

nice gay guy. You're telling me

1:21:50

the guys... You're telling me the guys in the

1:21:52

tank tops aren't gay. That's insane. You

1:21:55

guys are gay right? Yeah you

1:21:57

gotta be. There gay.

1:22:00

They're wrestling brothers. They're the Bushwhackers. Yeah.

1:22:03

They're so gay, they're cold. Yes.

1:22:06

You look like a gay Shane Gillis. So

1:22:10

you look like Shane Gillis. You look like

1:22:12

an extra in cruising. Are

1:22:15

you guys gay or no? There's other gay guys in the

1:22:17

back who know what that movie is. Oh, he's gay. No.

1:22:19

He's gay? Nice. And you're not gay?

1:22:22

Yes. Oh. You're gay by

1:22:24

association. Yeah. The

1:22:27

matching shirt really gives it away. Yeah.

1:22:30

Yeah. How does it feel to be gay now

1:22:32

where gay, nobody cares? You know what I

1:22:34

mean? Like, it's not, yeah, but nobody

1:22:36

cares. You're just gay and we don't give a shit. What's

1:22:38

up, dude? Right? Is that, do you guys,

1:22:41

do you miss the days when gay was dangerous? Yeah.

1:22:44

Was that weird? That shit, put a

1:22:46

coat on, look around. Hey. It

1:22:49

does feel like you get extra hard for the

1:22:51

excitement. Yeah. You might get caught.

1:22:54

Yeah. Gay guys were like,

1:22:56

oh my God, it was almost, that's

1:22:58

a gay guy. Now it's just

1:23:00

like, what's up, Greg?

1:23:02

Yeah. Bob

1:23:05

is basically saying, don't you just hate living a comfortable

1:23:07

life? Do you miss the days of

1:23:10

running to the car while guys chase you

1:23:12

with sticks? No. It's not

1:23:14

that far back there. Don't

1:23:17

you miss the excitement, dude, of not knowing if

1:23:19

you're going to live through the night? Don't

1:23:22

you miss the Reagan years? Don't

1:23:27

you miss... The AIDS, getting pulled

1:23:29

behind a truck. Is that

1:23:31

gay? That's what they

1:23:33

did to the gays back then. Allegedly.

1:23:37

You know, it was so mysterious

1:23:39

back then. Yeah. Yeah.

1:23:42

And now it's kind of boring. Now you got

1:23:44

to compete with trans. Yeah. Doesn't help

1:23:46

the career, though. Really?

1:23:48

No. I don't know if you just did

1:23:50

that for your career. Yeah. You're

1:23:53

a completely straight jerk from Jersey. And you realize that,

1:23:55

like, yeah, we've just lived together as roommates the whole

1:23:57

time and have never even seen her dick. It's

1:24:03

not the

1:24:05

case. Happily married.

1:24:08

You go to the parade? Oh, nice. Now,

1:24:10

is it true? Some gay... I mean, I

1:24:12

do too. Hey, if you

1:24:14

don't want me to ask... The

1:24:17

whole thing, the Richard Gere thing. Not

1:24:20

that. I know that happened.

1:24:23

Is it true? Like,

1:24:26

some gay guys don't take it in the butt.

1:24:28

Some guys do. And

1:24:31

it's not like, you have to get fucked

1:24:33

in the butt. Some

1:24:36

guys just kiss. I had a roommate that just

1:24:38

snuggled. That's

1:24:40

gay. You literally tell me that's how he tricked

1:24:42

me into fucking me in the ass. I

1:24:46

always thought it was wild. I had a gay roommate

1:24:49

and he would be like, I'm not eating today because

1:24:51

I got a date in two days. Oh, yeah. You

1:24:53

gotta fuck me in the ass. And I was

1:24:55

like, you just starve yourself for two days? I would never get

1:24:57

laid. Makes you wonder, what do gay guys

1:24:59

in India do? I

1:25:02

mean, that's a mess back there. Yeah, but you don't fucking

1:25:05

meet a guy you really like and then look down in

1:25:07

his lettuce on the tip of his cock. Well,

1:25:10

I don't know if you're a pollay. Fucking a

1:25:12

girl, that happens. Well, we're talking about the burrito

1:25:14

bowl. Yeah. The back door. Yeah, that's

1:25:16

what I'm saying. The guy fucked you in the

1:25:18

butt and pulled out a hunk of chipotle on

1:25:21

his dick because you didn't clean your butt enough,

1:25:23

you piece of shit. Chipotle's really hitting close to

1:25:25

home for me. Yeah,

1:25:27

we like chipotle. Sorry. I had a

1:25:29

four day in a row. Do you know somebody gave me a

1:25:31

chipotle card for you and I never gave it to you? What?

1:25:34

That's really mean. You fat bastard, you kept it. I

1:25:38

needed it at the time. All

1:25:41

right. I banged a gal years and years ago

1:25:43

and I pulled out and there was a lot

1:25:45

of... Goop? Yeah, yeah, boom, boom.

1:25:48

Poo. Yeah. Yeah.

1:25:52

I've told this story in the podcast before but I

1:25:55

had anal sex with a person

1:25:58

and I pulled it out. and there

1:26:00

was a bit of smudge, and there was

1:26:02

a little seed, like a Burger King bun

1:26:04

seed. Oh, the Sesame seed. First

1:26:06

of all, that's McDonald's. Oh, nice. And then I

1:26:09

flicked it like that. I was like, ah,

1:26:11

and it hit the wall and fucking dripped down

1:26:13

the wall. I went like, it

1:26:16

came down, and she was mad. She was like, fucking, what are

1:26:18

you doing? And I was like, I wanted it off my dick.

1:26:20

She was like, I don't want it on my wall. And

1:26:23

I was like, well, you can get a sponge. I

1:26:26

see a seed on my dick, I get it off. That's

1:26:29

a good way of life. Your father brought you up, correct? Well,

1:26:31

if you leave it on, you can grow a new dick.

1:26:35

That's true. That's

1:26:38

not true. No. As

1:26:40

far as butt remnants, the Sesame seed

1:26:42

ain't bad. Yeah. I've had a

1:26:44

whole turd fall out, and I was like, whoop. Whoa.

1:26:47

You're like a dog? You just did like that?

1:26:49

You fucking grandmother. I moved to like, you know,

1:26:52

when you saw your kid be born, you

1:26:55

know, all those women, they shit. And the doctor's just

1:26:57

like, whoop. And they just toss it like it didn't

1:26:59

happen. Really? I just did the same thing. Yeah, I

1:27:01

saw that when my wife gave birth. A

1:27:04

fucking tree trunk came out of her butt. I

1:27:08

was like, I'll never fuck you ever again in your life.

1:27:10

Oh my god. I had no tree trunk. You didn't

1:27:12

see it at all? No. We

1:27:14

had a C-section. It was a big sheet. Oh, they

1:27:17

poured down? They saw a liver. You saw blood and

1:27:19

shit. Yeah, it was a pancreas. That's worse. Oh, shit.

1:27:21

I had a girl on my face. I was going

1:27:23

down on her, and she was going to like, it

1:27:25

was just to be fun. But

1:27:30

she was trying to fart in

1:27:32

my face. Oh, no. No, no, it's not as

1:27:34

bad as you think. She

1:27:37

didn't show me. She was going to fart,

1:27:39

and she pushed, and she shot Monostat 7

1:27:42

out of her vag. All

1:27:44

this white stuff shot away. Oh. Well,

1:27:47

like a Dilophosaurus. Yeah. Oh,

1:27:50

wow. So

1:27:55

what happened? I just took a shower, and that was the

1:27:57

end of that session. Well, that's the nice thing about

1:27:59

all this stuff. to the bathroom like this it

1:28:01

was humility on each of us it was embarrassed

1:28:04

she's embarrassed are they supposed to be fucking with

1:28:06

monostat that's the whole yeah that's probably a great

1:28:08

oh you're not don't know monostat you

1:28:14

what now oh yes actually yeah

1:28:16

so what is monostat one it's

1:28:18

weird they like the best

1:28:20

yeast they sell like there's like monostat one

1:28:23

through five and and they're like one is

1:28:25

the most expensive it's basically how fast you

1:28:27

want to get rid of it like they

1:28:29

give you an option they're like I'm honest

1:28:31

at six that's 20 bucks if you want to go to

1:28:34

one where only takes one day well that's 75

1:28:36

yeah one why would you fucking do

1:28:38

that I don't know seven is for

1:28:41

a week monostat seven seven days yeah

1:28:43

rid of it yeah dogs the quarter

1:28:45

of his mouth am I right

1:28:47

am I right I'm kind of right thanks

1:28:50

for coming we have women coaches down here

1:28:52

I pretty much need you for support yeah

1:28:55

there's a lot of women here tonight a lot of

1:28:57

you think I see four pretty women yeah a lot

1:28:59

of beautiful ladies those gonna be a bunch of women

1:29:01

looking like me we

1:29:05

like to mark the under oh maybe

1:29:07

this double digits okay I see five does anybody

1:29:09

we gotta wrap up so does everybody have any

1:29:11

questions we'd like to take some questions if anyone's

1:29:13

interested huh

1:29:17

where's Nick oh

1:29:19

yeah the TMZ thing

1:29:21

that's a long story give you the

1:29:24

short version this company called me up so

1:29:26

we want to go viral we see a

1:29:28

lot of comedians going viral and they

1:29:31

said you want to do that and I was like

1:29:33

yeah it doesn't really sound like my cup and then

1:29:35

they said this is how much we'll give you and

1:29:38

I said I'll wear blackface was it a thousand very

1:29:40

low and I

1:29:46

just said I'll just do a show and whatever and

1:29:48

they said well something crazy gonna have we're not gonna

1:29:50

tell you what I said all right great maybe I'll

1:29:52

get a clip out of it I'll rip on it so

1:29:54

I do like a 45-minute set it's sold out at

1:29:56

the New York Comedy Club some guy

1:29:59

walks on stage They got cameras

1:30:01

everywhere, huge production. And a guy

1:30:04

walking on stage, I rip on him a little bit. And

1:30:06

then a bouncer comes up and goes, get off, get off.

1:30:08

And he pulls me off. And then a

1:30:10

lady was filming in the front row with a cell phone. And

1:30:13

all you see is a guy on stage and me getting

1:30:15

pulled off, and she put that on the internet. So

1:30:17

that went viral. Not even their shit. They didn't even

1:30:20

have a time to put their shit up, so they

1:30:22

wasted millions of dollars. So

1:30:24

then I got a million calls. Everybody's like, is

1:30:26

this a Chris Rock thing, a slap? Is this

1:30:28

a Dave Chappelle tackle? More of

1:30:30

a Jesse Smollett. Really? Because

1:30:35

that's the thing. You never go viral. You can't

1:30:37

really try to go viral. You never go viral

1:30:39

where you think you're going to go for. Remember

1:30:41

the guy that swam

1:30:43

in the Bass Pro

1:30:45

Shop pool naked? He

1:30:49

tried to go viral, but he didn't go viral because he swam

1:30:51

naked. He went viral because he had no

1:30:54

dick. Remember that guy? So

1:30:57

yeah, that was it. And I did a set, and I ran

1:30:59

out of there, and then it went online, and that was it. So

1:31:02

nothing too crazy. The guy blew it a little bit

1:31:04

too, because it looked pretty real, but I remember thinking

1:31:06

it was a bit, because when the guy

1:31:09

said the audience had to leave, the woman was really

1:31:11

good, and then the guy goes, yeah, I'm going to

1:31:13

need you all to leave. Yes. And I'm like, that's

1:31:15

not the way a guy would tell people if something

1:31:17

weird happened like that. You wouldn't say that. There was

1:31:19

something about the way he said it that just told

1:31:21

me it was, but your part was very convincing, and

1:31:23

so was the woman. Because I was actually confused. Yeah.

1:31:26

Yeah. I didn't know what was going on.

1:31:28

I understand that feeling. I

1:31:30

thought it was weird that they escorted you towards the

1:31:34

thing that happened. That's a

1:31:36

weird thing that you would do. You're like, oh,

1:31:38

god, crazy people ran off this way. Grab

1:31:41

Mark and bring him out this way. Everybody

1:31:44

else, stay here. Yeah. That was weird.

1:31:46

It's like, you guys die. Let's

1:31:49

get him to safety. Yeah,

1:31:51

yeah. The whole thing sucks. But I was

1:31:53

struggling for a ticket to the beacon, and

1:31:55

that was when I sold it

1:31:58

out. So I wanted to let a chick. shit on

1:32:00

my chest with monostat 7 in

1:32:03

the videotape, yeah any case, first skitter

1:32:05

the one so the thing that went

1:32:07

viral wasn't even the thing no wow

1:32:10

so they were lucky somebody filmed it because it all

1:32:13

worked out anyway that's

1:32:15

all water under the bridge yeah, yeah, good time

1:32:17

what a career, you know your friends are getting

1:32:19

SNL and you're like ahh, I'm

1:32:21

the guy with the fake bomb threats how

1:32:25

do you think it feels to be the monostat 7 guy? how

1:32:29

do you think it feels to want to be

1:32:31

the monostat 7 guy? any

1:32:37

other question? oh yeah oh, right

1:32:39

here what's with the electric car? oh

1:32:43

god, get him fucking started oh

1:32:45

god, every time he fucking talks about it on

1:32:48

his podcast I get a message like you fucking

1:32:50

faggot, I can't believe you and

1:32:52

I'm like, dude, I'm getting harassed I got

1:32:54

a fucking Tesla long range it's not that

1:32:56

fucking crazy suck my dick I

1:32:58

hate this I hate this you got a job

1:33:00

right here you got stuck in it take it

1:33:02

and put it in your friend's mouth yeah let

1:33:05

it shock down overnight yeah, negative, tubby chicken I

1:33:08

charge it enough say

1:33:11

what happens then? how come you guys keep getting stuck on

1:33:13

the side of the world? he didn't get stuck it's a

1:33:15

podcast, he's making it funny no, no,

1:33:17

we got stuck we got stuck in a bucolanoi

1:33:21

we rented a car that's a whole different thing that's

1:33:23

not a Tesla that wasn't EV

1:33:25

that wasn't EV Chevy Spark and that's trash

1:33:27

that's an EV it's an EV no,

1:33:30

it's not the same it's not the same talking EV's

1:33:32

here it's got like a hundred mile range it's not

1:33:34

the same but we did get stuck in fucking Roseville,

1:33:38

Illinois or Rochelle

1:33:41

Rochelle, Illinois made

1:33:43

a long journey from Milan

1:33:45

to the Netherlands Rochelle so

1:33:48

here's what happened this queef rented an EV not

1:33:50

on purpose remember there was a

1:33:52

crazy storm you were late by

1:33:54

a day like we missed a bunch of

1:33:57

shows there's a fucking ice storm and so

1:33:59

all these cars and all these flights were

1:34:01

canceled and there were two options. It was like a

1:34:03

fucking F350 or an EV. I

1:34:05

was like, let's just get an EV. Yeah,

1:34:07

F350 gas were driving like 300 miles. We

1:34:10

get a big truck that can go through a

1:34:12

storm in a storm. Get a little

1:34:14

tiny car that might not make it. Yeah, you got

1:34:16

like a Chevy milker. It

1:34:18

was a Chevy's park. It was the fucking worst

1:34:21

thing. Get something that needs the sun. Yeah,

1:34:23

it was bad. The park

1:34:25

isn't even an electric car, is it? It is

1:34:27

an electric car, but it's like a city electric.

1:34:29

I've never driven one before. It's a city car. But

1:34:31

it had two options and it seemed better than the

1:34:34

fucking... Stop fracking, drill.

1:34:36

Let's get this shit going. At least

1:34:38

with a Tesla, there's Tesla ports everywhere.

1:34:40

These are a spark. It's like a

1:34:43

random... They don't fit anything, you know?

1:34:45

So we get this car, we run

1:34:48

out of juice, we have to pull over, we find

1:34:50

a fucking thing, and then we gave it like an

1:34:52

hour and it went up 1%. We're

1:34:56

not making it to the show. We're not going to make it.

1:34:58

It's like a 5-hour drive. To a gig? To a gig, yeah,

1:35:00

from where we were. And then

1:35:02

he randomly, you save the day, you go, I think I

1:35:04

know a guy who grew up here. We call

1:35:06

him, the guy's like, oh, I got out of that town

1:35:09

20 years ago, but my grandmother still lives there. Maybe you

1:35:11

can use her car. And the time you blew me in

1:35:13

Mexico and then passed my gig for the French mouth, I

1:35:16

need that favor. So

1:35:18

now we have to park the car. We go

1:35:20

to this guy's grandmother's house in an old folks'

1:35:22

home. And then you heard the

1:35:24

story. And then while we're there, she's like

1:35:27

on a respirator. She's like... Full hunched over,

1:35:29

like not moving. And she's like,

1:35:31

can you fix my craftmatic bed? And

1:35:34

we're like, okay. So

1:35:36

now we're on our hands and knees, hung over, cranking

1:35:39

away at this big metal apparatus.

1:35:41

And she's like, you

1:35:43

missed a spot or whatever. And then

1:35:46

we get her forward escape and get the fuck out of there. We

1:35:49

made it. We made it. We made it. And

1:35:51

we did the show. We

1:35:55

couldn't check in the hotel because this fucking idiot

1:35:57

leaves his wallet in the evening. I

1:36:00

thought I'm waiting for a seat. So we can't check

1:36:02

in the hotel, so we drive there, we do the

1:36:04

show, we have to drive all the way back, we

1:36:06

get to the car, it's still not charging enough to

1:36:08

get back home. Yeah, it was a nightmare. Fuck me.

1:36:11

The worst. But the Tesla works.

1:36:13

The Tesla works, but stop messaging me. Keep

1:36:16

messaging. All

1:36:18

right, what else you got? What

1:36:21

do you got there, Fanny? Uh

1:36:25

oh. Are

1:36:41

you asking me if I prefer New Jersey pizza

1:36:44

or New York pizza? That's

1:36:46

a question for me. You should ask

1:36:48

him about it. No, I'm wearing these shingle

1:36:50

bells. I

1:36:53

have New York shingails. Is

1:36:55

that the question for me, New Jersey pizza? These

1:37:00

guys have all these challenging, fun questions. And

1:37:04

I'm like, do you prefer pork roll or scrapple?

1:37:08

Is that Hoda? Come on, man. Come

1:37:11

on. What is

1:37:13

it, Jim? We've been dying. We all came here to

1:37:15

hear. Is there

1:37:17

better pizza here or right over there? It's

1:37:23

funny you should ask. Honestly,

1:37:25

I have a really great story.

1:37:30

My cousin owned a

1:37:32

pizzeria in New Jersey.

1:37:35

And I would always go there when I was younger. And he said, this

1:37:37

is better than New York pizza. And

1:37:39

he argued with a guy. And they took me

1:37:42

over. And we got New

1:37:44

York pizza. And I actually preferred the

1:37:46

Jersey pizza. Whoa. And

1:37:48

my cousin died of leukemia. I

1:37:51

made that whole story up. I

1:37:54

now know anybody who owns a pizzeria. You

1:37:56

should use it. You

1:38:00

should work for worstquestionsever.com. Tacos,

1:38:07

Houston or San Antonio? What do you

1:38:09

think of them? As long as they're

1:38:11

Mexican. What do you

1:38:13

got over in the front? Front row there. What's

1:38:16

your favorite street joke? Oh, street jokes.

1:38:18

I got a good one. Hit me, baby. These

1:38:20

are going to be tough in public. This is

1:38:22

my favorite street joke ever. This is going on

1:38:24

YouTube at some point. I just want to... Yeah,

1:38:27

I'm not Louis J. Gomez. Yeah.

1:38:32

There's three guys die and go to heaven. They

1:38:34

get to the pearly gates of heaven. St.

1:38:36

Peter's waiting at the gates. He's like, we're

1:38:38

full. I can't take all of you. I'll

1:38:40

take one of you. Whoever died

1:38:42

the most violent death, I'll

1:38:45

take into heaven. I'll hear stories one by one. I'll make

1:38:47

my decision at the end. They're like, fine. They

1:38:49

go into St. Peter's office, the first guy. He's like, all

1:38:51

right. I come home from work, working hard all day.

1:38:54

I go in the apartment. There's candles lit,

1:38:56

romantic music playing. I know she's in there

1:38:58

with somebody. So I go into the shower.

1:39:00

I rip the curtain. She's by herself, but

1:39:02

I know he's still there. I check under

1:39:04

the bed. I check the closet. I go

1:39:06

to the kitchen. I check all the cabinets.

1:39:08

Then all of a sudden, there he is. I see

1:39:11

him hanging off my balcony. So I go over there. I start

1:39:13

punching his hands. He won't fall. I kick his

1:39:15

hands. He won't fall. I get a hammer. I

1:39:18

smash his hands. He still won't fall. Finally,

1:39:21

I punch it with a hammer,

1:39:23

and he falls off the balcony. He lands in

1:39:25

the bushes. I think he's dead. He's still alive.

1:39:28

I go. I get the fridge, and I throw

1:39:30

the fridge off the balcony on him. Boom, I

1:39:32

kill him. I'm so distraught from this, I take

1:39:34

a shotgun. I blow my brains out. Here

1:39:36

I am. St. Peter's like, wow,

1:39:38

that's pretty rough. He goes,

1:39:40

let me hear the next guy. The next guy comes in.

1:39:42

He goes, okay. I'm in my apartment on my exercise bike.

1:39:45

The curtain gets stuck in my wheel. I go

1:39:48

flying off my balcony, grab

1:39:50

onto the guy's balcony beneath me. This

1:39:52

lunatic comes out, starts punching my hand,

1:39:54

kicking my, gets a hammer. Smash, I

1:39:56

fall in the bush. I think I'm

1:39:58

dead. I'm still alive. Look up,

1:40:00

this maniac throws a fridge on my head.

1:40:03

Here I am, St. Peter's, I go, all right, geez, let

1:40:05

me hear the last guy. Last guy comes in, he goes,

1:40:07

all right, I'm naked in the fridge. I'm

1:40:10

not. Wow,

1:40:15

I've never heard that one. That's great.

1:40:18

Good street joke. I mean, it's gonna

1:40:20

be tough to beat that. I just had a, what

1:40:22

do you call a black pilot? What?

1:40:27

Laps on YouTube. I can't do it. Jim?

1:40:31

I don't have, I don't. I

1:40:33

think I can guess the ending of that one. Yeah. Yeah,

1:40:37

I don't really have any of those good street

1:40:39

jokes. I used to do one, this is

1:40:41

1990 when I started, but

1:40:44

I haven't done it in 30 years. Oh, so you're been?

1:40:46

No, it was a joke joke. It was a street joke,

1:40:48

but I would open with one, and

1:40:51

I would, it's not a great joke. It was, all

1:40:53

right, Superman is flying around one

1:40:56

time, and he looks down on the beach, and

1:40:59

he sees Wonder Woman with her legs wide

1:41:01

open, and he goes, this is

1:41:03

great. So he's flying, he just

1:41:05

flies down really fast, and he fucks really hard,

1:41:07

he flies away. And Wonder Woman

1:41:10

says, what was that? And the Invisible Man

1:41:12

gets up and goes, I don't know, but my asshole is killing

1:41:14

me. Classic, classic.

1:41:16

I like that one.

1:41:20

I like the waiter at the Jewish restaurant. He walks

1:41:22

over and says, is anything okay? That's

1:41:25

a caper. Clean.

1:41:30

Oh, it's clean, it's, you know. It's

1:41:33

anti-Semitic, but it's clean. I

1:41:36

got one for the gay guys. Hit

1:41:39

the gays, or gay. There's two gay

1:41:41

guys, and one comes

1:41:43

in and he's like, oh, fuck, oh my

1:41:45

God. And he goes, what's wrong, honey? My

1:41:48

ass is home. I

1:41:50

go, what's wrong? I don't know. He

1:41:53

didn't hurt really bad. Let

1:41:55

me look, and so he bends over and he looks, I

1:41:57

don't see anything. Seems fine, it's. hurting,

1:42:00

please, just look in,

1:42:02

just see if there's something happening. He's

1:42:05

like, baby, I'm looking, there's nothing.

1:42:07

It's fine, you look deeper. And

1:42:10

he looks a little deeper and he's like, there's nothing,

1:42:12

you're fine, go deeper. He goes,

1:42:14

my God, what, what? I

1:42:17

see a watch, he goes, happy

1:42:19

birthday. That was a beautiful, happy

1:42:22

ending romantic tale. That's like the,

1:42:24

there's the gay couple trying to

1:42:26

spice it up sexually and the

1:42:28

guy says, let's play a game.

1:42:30

He goes, okay, I'll hide.

1:42:32

If you find me, I'll blow you. The guy goes,

1:42:35

great. He goes, okay, I'll be behind the couch. Can

1:42:39

you, can you please tell the, this

1:42:41

is the hardest I've ever laughed on

1:42:43

this podcast, the gay shower joke. Which

1:42:45

is funny. Yeah, for all

1:42:47

God's sake. They've heard it

1:42:49

and they've heard it twice because the joke I told, you've

1:42:51

laughed hard, you've

1:42:54

never laughed harder ever. And then someone else

1:42:56

realized I told the same joke eight years

1:42:58

earlier on the podcast. Well, it's new to

1:43:00

me every time. You got to do it

1:43:02

for the, well, for the third time in Tuesday's with

1:43:04

stories history and you guys know the joke, I'm sure.

1:43:07

There's two gay guys. I'm so excited. Two

1:43:11

gay men fucking in the shower. They're in

1:43:13

the shower. He's fucking them in the ass

1:43:16

and the phone rings and he

1:43:18

goes, I got to go take this phone call and he's like,

1:43:20

no, keep fucking me. He goes, well, it could be my mother.

1:43:22

I'm waiting on this golf. My mother, she's sick. And

1:43:24

he goes, all right, I'll be, I'll be right back. And

1:43:26

he says, but whatever you do, don't

1:43:29

come until I get back. And

1:43:31

the guy says, you got it. I love you. He

1:43:34

goes, he talks to his mother for a few minutes.

1:43:36

He comes back and it's just come all over the

1:43:39

walls, the fucking the sheets. What do you call it?

1:43:42

The shower curtain, the toilet. And he goes, what the

1:43:44

fuck? I told you not to come. He goes, I

1:43:46

didn't. I farted. That was for you,

1:43:48

homo. Yeah. All right. We got

1:43:50

to go. We're almost at two hours. We

1:44:00

should have closed on that. This guy has a question. Duncan

1:44:02

Trussell has a question. What's the difference between transvestites and transvestites?

1:44:07

I think transvestites is just clothing. I

1:44:10

think transvestites is what you're not supposed

1:44:12

to call them anymore. That's

1:44:18

a shitty way to call them now.

1:44:20

Transvestites is someone who lives as a

1:44:22

guy and is more fetish-oriented. Dressing,

1:44:25

somebody transgender, someone who's been

1:44:28

diagnosed or is taking

1:44:30

on hormone therapy and lives

1:44:32

as a woman or as a transvestite. But a transvestite

1:44:34

is someone who lives as a

1:44:36

man and is just dressing up. But

1:44:39

isn't that also like an old tur- that's out. I think

1:44:41

that's no good. No, no, none of you are

1:44:43

transvestites. Yeah, no, really. The transvestite is different.

1:44:45

Sometimes I would like a slur now. No,

1:44:47

like a she-mail. You can't use she-mail anymore,

1:44:49

right? Yeah, unless you're porn searched. It's great.

1:44:54

It's true. All

1:44:56

right, well, we really closed up again from the bottom

1:44:58

of that. Is that it? Is that it? We're

1:45:01

at the point where the audience is saying goodbye. Yeah. One

1:45:04

more. How

1:45:06

cute is this kid? What do you got? Am

1:45:09

I going to have a kid? I don't know.

1:45:12

When it's up with your wife. I

1:45:16

don't know. Unlike Alec Baldwin. I shoot

1:45:18

blanks. No.

1:45:21

I've tried and nothing's cooking.

1:45:24

So maybe she's poisoned. It

1:45:30

takes a while. It took two

1:45:32

years. Two years? I went. It's so

1:45:34

funny. She had me go get my

1:45:36

jizz checked. And in New York,

1:45:39

like hospitals- Why couldn't you do it? I

1:45:41

tried. I just tasted the same. You

1:45:46

have to go like it's a brownstone. The doctors are on

1:45:48

the street and it's a brownstone. So I went in and

1:45:51

I didn't know. I was like, yeah,

1:45:53

I'm here to get my sperm checked.

1:45:56

And she was like, what? I go, I want to get my sperm checked. okay.

1:46:00

She's like, honey, you're in the wrong place.

1:46:03

I was in a pediatrics. No wonder

1:46:08

you came so quick. And

1:46:11

your dick was still the smallest one on the ward. She

1:46:14

goes, you want next

1:46:16

door. So I went next door and

1:46:18

there's this, you know, older

1:46:21

kind of fat black woman. She was kind

1:46:23

of annoyed too. I was like, hey, I'm

1:46:25

here. She's like, all right, let's go. Takes

1:46:27

me upstairs. There's room one and room two.

1:46:30

Somebody's in room two. She brings me into

1:46:32

room one and she goes, all right,

1:46:34

there's videos. There's magazines. You do your stuff.

1:46:36

Put in this when you're done, bring this

1:46:38

down, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. So I'm

1:46:41

just like, all right. So

1:46:43

then I go, you know, I need, I can't

1:46:45

do a magazine anymore. I need a video. Yeah.

1:46:47

There was one video and it was fat

1:46:49

black chicks. Fuck. Perfect.

1:46:54

But I was just like, I,

1:46:56

you know, I was like, I don't want this. Like

1:46:58

I want like

1:47:01

house moms or, you know, maybe

1:47:03

your sister. I didn't want. So I brought it down

1:47:05

to the lady. I'm

1:47:08

go, do you have any other like, I don't,

1:47:10

I'm not into this. But I looked at the

1:47:12

thing and it's just her. No, I'm

1:47:16

not into this. She was like, I

1:47:18

think, no, I'll fucking, I'll come to that. I

1:47:21

love people like black women, older

1:47:24

black women is my thing. Yeah. It

1:47:26

took me 20 minutes, but it takes

1:47:28

a while. It took two years to

1:47:31

finally get it. Right.

1:47:33

Because you want to hear a

1:47:35

weird story? Sure. This is fun. This

1:47:37

happened. We

1:47:39

were doing everything. She was calling

1:47:41

me. She had an app. You got to

1:47:43

be home tonight. I had a camera at

1:47:45

the seller. You need to, I'm ovulating between

1:47:48

this time and this time and she drank

1:47:50

like cough syrup and I had fucking, you

1:47:52

know, voodoo and chicken bones

1:47:54

on her pussy and dream catches over

1:47:56

a snatch at night. And we

1:47:58

did everything. And I

1:48:01

went home and I was like, you know what? Let's

1:48:03

just fuck. Can we just fuck? I just wanna

1:48:05

fuck and not try to make a baby. So

1:48:08

we're fucking and we're doing, having

1:48:10

fun again, laughing. I kind of

1:48:12

tickled her at one point. I'm like, wah-wah-wah-wah-wah. She's

1:48:14

like, what are you doing? I'm like, who cares?

1:48:16

I just wanna fucking fucking giggle. And

1:48:18

ha. Did you slap your own ass? Not that

1:48:20

bad. Yeah. So we

1:48:23

go to sleep. I wake up. Her

1:48:25

mother is looking,

1:48:28

holding her and looking

1:48:30

at me like this, angry. Just like

1:48:33

that. And I literally go, I woke up and I

1:48:35

was like, oh my God, I turned this way. And

1:48:38

I just was panicking. Like what the fuck did I do? And

1:48:41

I just, I fell back asleep. Her mother was dead

1:48:43

for two years. Wait,

1:48:45

what? Her mother was holding her

1:48:47

like this, rubbing her belly, looking at

1:48:49