Wherein Tj and Chris confront the oft-confusing translation of table dog purple liquefy, chili squint, and wet bread.This week's beer: Rusty Rail NOktoberfest Rye Ale w/ blood orangeMusic credits:OP: "How Many Heavens Are There?" [Tifa's The

Turtle's Paradise Ep. VII.5

Sep 4th, 2018 1h 23m

Wherein Tj and Chris (at long last) welcome Cid's comeuppance vis-a-vis a certain assistant, confirm that you can't do the Wutai quest after the Return to Midgar, and trivialize the entire challenge on a couple different occasions.This week's

Turtle's Paradise Ep. VII.4

Jun 8th, 2018 57m 43s

Wherein Tj and Chris raise their body temperatures by any means necessary, completely disregard a tower defense game, and disappoint the more religious members of their families.This week's beer: Rock Bottom Pittsburgh Uppity Jagoff IPAMusic

Turtle's Paradise Ep. VII.3

May 17th, 2018 1h 27m

Wherein Tj and Chris are ON A BOAT, in LITTLE DUNE BUGGY, and go down in a blaze of glory but are still able to paddle around in shallow water and rivers.Oh, yeah, and she dies. Deal with it.This week's beer: Southern Tier Nu Skool IPAMusic

Turtle's Paradise Ep. VII.2

Mar 22nd, 2018 1h 13m

Wherein Tj and Chris channel their inner Kornheiser and Wilbon, shill grenades as the answer to every problem in Midgar, and receive gifts of dice and portability from friend of the show Andrew!This week's beer: Magic Hat TFG IPAMusic credits

Turtle's Paradise Ep. VII.1

Mar 4th, 2018 35m 4s

Wherein Tj and Chris ACTUALLY PUBLISH A BLEEDING PODCAST FOR A CHANGE, plug their Final Fantasy XI streaming project senseless, name-check Legend of Legaia for whatever reason, and Tj dishonors himself by not mentioning EarthBound amongst his f

Turtle's Paradise Bonus Episode #1

Nov 20th, 2017 1h 6m

Wherein Tj and Chris realize that they've lived someone's D&D campaign, II tried really hard (and the cast of VIII needs to get punched), Mario Hoops 3-on-3 was a thing that existed, Edward's the second-best bard in Final Fantasy (out of 2), yo

Turtle's Paradise Ep. VI.5

Oct 24th, 2017 1h 14m

Wherein Tj and Chris get Ultima, get Quick, get magic costs down to nearly nil, and break the endgame over their knees. Also, they tease a big announcement in the cheesiest and most cringeworthy way possible. You've been warned.This week's bee

Turtle's Paradise Ep. VI.4

Oct 7th, 2017 1h 11m

Wherein Tj and Chris put the band back together (following an epiphany at a church that may or may not involve James Brown), quality-check seafood for half an hour in an attempt to stabilize an ambulatory condom, and elucidate upon just why, in

Turtle's Paradise Ep. VI.3

Sep 20th, 2017 1h 35m

Wherein Tj and Chris go digging through the trash for magical monsters to collect and trade, comport themselves with the utmost decorum, and fail at feng shui so badly that entire continents are destroyed.This week's beer: Selin's Grove Brewin

Turtle's Paradise Ep. VI.2

Sep 13th, 2017 1h 22m

Wherein Tj and Chris fail Latin so hard they conjure an extradimensional evil, don't fare much better in Italian either, and Turtle's Paradise would like to apologize for the poor quality of the beer segment.This week's beer: Fat Head's G'suff

Turtle's Paradise Ep. VI.1

Sep 6th, 2017 33m 55s

Wherein Tj and Chris beat the "You Don't Break Up The Party" concept into Square's collective noggins with a rubber panel-beating mallet, prove that Kefka is the jankiest of clowns (HBO series notwithstanding), and reminisce about when summons

Turtle's Paradise Ep. V.5

Aug 24th, 2017 1h 47m

Wherein Tj and Chris finally make this whole "meatdimension" thing make sense, Shigesato Itoi gleans yet another inspiration from Final Fantasy, and I still have to saw through this banana.This week's beer: Rheingeist Quadra Funk Hoppy Wild Al

Turtle's Paradise Ep. V.4

Aug 21st, 2017 1h 15m

Wherein Tj and Chris are really concerned for the self-destructive behavior Lenna's exhibiting, waffle on whether or not to call them Crystals just yet, and お前はもう死んでいるThis week's beer: Great Lakes Lake Erie Monster Imperial IPAMusic credits:

Turtle's Paradise Ep. V.3

Aug 4th, 2017 1h 6m

Wherein Tj and Chris try not to get split in half by Conan the Librarian, perform the Heimlich Maneuver on a chocobo, and go on at length about how awesome Clash on the Big Bridge is.This week's beer: Rusted Rail Blue Collar RaspberryMusic cr

Turtle's Paradise Ep. V.2

Jul 21st, 2017 1h 17m

Wherein Tj and Chris interrupt their lives of leisure for the sake of a princess and an amnesiac, learn the value of rods (specifically, exactly 750 gil) and get their motors running for the annual Karnak 500!This week's beer: Magic Hat Ticket

Turtle's Paradise Ep. V.1

Jul 19th, 2017 41m 7s

Wherein Tj and Chris explain just why they'll be wearing sombreros for this game, celebrate the introduction of Blue Mages to Final Fantasy, and prepare for a (couple) runs through a game that I guess we were just too stupid for in the 90s.Thi

Turtle's Paradise Ep. IV.5

Jul 1st, 2017 1h 13m

Wherein Tj and Chris go bang zoom right to the moon, then back down again, then through a giant's digestive tract, then back to the moon, then into the moon, then into a bottle.This week's beer: Brewery Ommegang Valar MorghulisMusic credits:

Turtle's Paradise Ep. IV.4

Jun 18th, 2017 1h 16m

Wherein Tj and Chris break a little girl's dolls AND swipe her necklace, beat an injured friend about the head with a frying pan, and celebrate the meteoric rise of Jake Guentzel.This week's beer: East End Big HopMusic credits:Opening Theme:

Turtle's Paradise Ep. IV.3

Jun 11th, 2017 1h 8m

Wherein Tj and Chris put down three out of four fiends, shed pounds quickly and easily (by ditching all the metal) and celebrate a deep cut from ELO's Time album.This week's beer: Erie Railbender Scottish-style AleMusic credits:Opening Theme

Turtle's Paradise Ep. IV.2

May 19th, 2017 1h 14m

Wherein Tj and Chris get volunteered for a trap^H^H^H^Hdelivery mission, Animal Crossing of all things gets name-checked, and a Gordon Lightfoot classic gets repurposed into a dig on Alexander Ovechkin.This week's beer: Ballast Point Unfiltere

Turtle's Paradise Ep. IV.1

May 12th, 2017 42m 24s

Wherein Tj and Chris wax nostalgic (or not), Tj names 16-bit games he likes for a period of time for whatever reason, and Chris breaks down the etymology of "spoony."This week's beer: Spoonwood + Apis Beard of BeesMusic credits:Opening Theme

Turtle's Paradise Ep. III.5

May 3rd, 2017 1h 7m

Wherein Tj and Chris are implicated in the deaths of two old people (kinda), realize just how much of this game Shigesato Itoi bit while writing EarthBound, and see if strange women lying in vortices distributing beatings are any basis for a sy

Turtle’s Paradise Ep. III.4

Apr 22nd, 2017 53m 1s

Wherein Tj and Chris pay off their parking tickets and get their airship unbooted, immediately total said vehicle because isn't that how it always works, and mother. ****ing. Garuda.This week's beer: Elysian Space Dust IPAMusic credits:Into