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This is unapologetic

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parenting podcast dedicated to

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candidly and unapologetically

0:03

discussing parenting, divorce

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and co parenting. We take on the

0:07

topics most people don't want to

0:11

talk about and offer support and

0:11

solutions to help you be a

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better parent, co parent and

0:14

human being. Now without further

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ado, let's get right to it.

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Welcome back to unapologetic

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parenting. I'm your host Carl

0:24

Knickerbocker. And in this

0:27

episode, we are talking about an

0:27

exes manipulations, the things

0:32

that they do to try to get you

0:32

baited in to some sort of

0:36

conflict to try to get you to

0:36

drag yourself back into whatever

0:41

arguments or disagreements or

0:41

fights or whatever else is going

0:45

on, that they want to drag you

0:45

into. And long story short, we

0:48

all have experienced this, they

0:48

just do all sorts of crazy

0:52

things, to try to bait us into

0:52

some sort of response. And for

0:57

me, the thing that works the

0:57

most when you're dealing with a

1:01

narcissistic ex, when you're

1:01

dealing with a narcissistic co

1:05

parent, or somebody in that

1:05

borderline cluster B

1:08

specialists, one of the primary

1:08

things that lays the the full

1:13

foundation for dealing with

1:13

them, and avoiding getting

1:17

drugged into their manipulations

1:17

is to have a really good clear

1:21

sense of something better to do

1:21

with your time, something better

1:26

to do with your life. And so one

1:26

of the greatest antidotes to the

1:30

narcissist, one of the greatest

1:30

things of vaccination, so to say

1:35

one that actually works. So to

1:35

say, against the narcissistic

1:41

parent is to have something far,

1:41

far, far better to occupy your

1:48

time with. So this is where you

1:48

get very clear on your vision,

1:51

you get clear on the vision of

1:51

what you want for yourself in

1:55

terms of experiences, you get

1:55

very clear for yourself in terms

1:59

of what experiences you want for

1:59

your family in your home, what

2:04

you want your dinners to look

2:04

like what you want your travels

2:09

to look like your conversations,

2:09

your game nights, your personal

2:13

time, what you want all these

2:13

different fields and spaces in

2:17

your life to look like in terms

2:17

of your ideal experiences,

2:21

experiences of connection with

2:21

others experiences of love

2:25

connections, based in peace

2:25

experiences that are full of

2:30

joy. And you get very specific,

2:30

not just I want to feel

2:33

connection, or I want to feel

2:33

good, I want happy times,

2:36

nothing like that. Be very, very

2:36

specific. Talking about I want

2:42

conversations that look and

2:42

sound like this. And meal times

2:46

that smell like this and food

2:46

that tastes like that and be

2:49

very, very descriptive. And go

2:49

into lots and lots and lots of

2:54

detail of the things you

2:54

envision creating for yourself.

2:59

These ideal situations where you

2:59

can, in those experience that

3:04

types of connection, and love

3:04

and joy and peace, all these

3:09

things that you really, really

3:09

want. And then get excited about

3:13

that and check in with yourself

3:13

and say, Alright, these are the

3:15

things that I really, really

3:15

want. And now what can I do that

3:18

brings me a couple steps closer

3:18

to it. And check in with that

3:21

day after day after day,

3:21

multiple times every day. Check

3:25

in with the experiences you are

3:25

cultivating and creating and all

3:29

the spaces of your life and

3:29

become kind of obsessed with it.

3:33

This awesomeness that you're

3:33

going to create for yourself and

3:36

your family and your loved ones

3:36

and all those people who are

3:39

friends and co workers, just

3:39

this awesome experience that

3:43

you're going to cultivate in

3:43

life and be very descriptive,

3:46

like I said, and when you become

3:46

obsessed with it, when you

3:49

become very methodical and

3:49

checking in with it and excited

3:53

about it and asking yourself

3:53

routinely, how do I come a

3:56

little bit closer to this? Well,

3:56

then when the crazy ex shows up,

4:00

and starts trying to get your

4:00

attention and starts trying to

4:03

manipulate by lying or doing

4:03

something stupid or showing up

4:08

late or just who knows what

4:08

their weirdness or craziness is,

4:12

when you have something far

4:12

better to focus on then whatever

4:16

drama it is that they are trying

4:16

to drag you into. You just don't

4:20

even want to go there. Because

4:20

you're like, Hey, I'm, I'm

4:23

creating all these things over

4:23

here. And this is a beautiful

4:27

life. And I've got these

4:27

boundaries that are set in place

4:31

that uphold the things that I

4:31

want to create. And some of my

4:34

boundaries, say, you know, I'm

4:34

not going to waste my time on

4:38

things that are not aligned with

4:38

these types of experiences. I'm

4:41

not going to go over on the

4:41

other side of the boundary fence

4:46

to deal with these things that

4:46

are not aligned with the

4:50

experiences that I want to have and you're able to see the

4:52

manipulation start and then just

4:55

say, you know, that's just not

4:55

aligned with the life that I

4:58

want. So I'm not even going to

4:58

do it. That is not aligned with

5:01

the types of experiences that I

5:01

want myself or my kids to have.

5:04

So I'm just not not going to

5:04

engage it at all. And you look

5:10

at it, and you just say, wow,

5:10

that's just really sad. And

5:13

that's a real crappy experience,

5:13

and they want to go create more

5:16

crap for themselves. Okay, they

5:16

can go create crap, I wouldn't

5:20

be over here creating something

5:20

awesome. And the more you get

5:24

empowered in pursuing the things

5:24

that you want in life, the more

5:28

you get obsessed and empowered

5:28

in developing the experiences

5:33

you want for yourself, the

5:33

easier and easier it becomes to

5:36

just see the sad little

5:36

manipulation and just say, Oh,

5:39

that's just so sad. And yet,

5:39

there's nothing there that I

5:43

really need to address. None of

5:43

that's really my job to have to

5:46

handle. They can go wallow in

5:46

whatever it is that they want to

5:50

wallow in. And as long as nobody

5:50

is being legitimately

5:55

threatened, and I don't have to

5:55

intervene, through, you know,

5:59

police or CPS or something like

5:59

that involving the kids, well,

6:03

if it's nothing that I have to

6:03

respond to, I'm just not,

6:06

because I'm busy over here doing

6:06

these awesome things. So one of

6:11

the best ways to avoid being

6:11

manipulated, and controlled and

6:16

drugged back into these old

6:16

patterns of creating horrible

6:23

experiences is to get very, very

6:23

clear on the great things you

6:27

want to create, and then get

6:27

very excited about those things.

6:32

And every day check in and say,

6:32

again, how do I take one or two

6:38

more steps closer to creating

6:38

these experiences, what is just

6:41

one or two more things that I

6:41

can do today, to move closer to

6:45

this experience, or that

6:45

experience or any other

6:49

experience or set of

6:49

experiences. And before you know

6:52

it, you've taken all these

6:52

steps, and you're starting to

6:55

live inside of those new

6:55

experiences. And those

6:59

experiences are yours. Those are

6:59

your creation, you are living

7:04

your life on your returns, you

7:04

are creating things based on

7:08

what your vision is, you are

7:08

creating a life for yourself and

7:12

your children based on your

7:12

empowerment, your creation, your

7:16

work your vision, and that is

7:16

the direct opposite of the

7:21

narcissism narcissistic

7:21

influence. Because what what do

7:25

they want, they want you to drop

7:25

your vision, your empowerment,

7:30

and feed them. So when you keep

7:30

your focus and do not divert

7:35

your focus from what you are

7:35

creating, you serve starving out

7:39

the narcissist, and they can try

7:39

to manipulate, they can make all

7:43

sorts of noise, they can say all

7:43

sorts of curse words, it can be

7:46

threatening, they can do all

7:46

this stuff and have their little

7:48

tantrum over there. And you just

7:48

look at it and say, Wow, that is

7:55

really pathetic. Whereas it used

7:55

to be like, Oh, well, I need to

7:58

go over there and fight because,

7:58

you know, wow, that's dramatic.

8:01

And I get some sort of emotional

8:01

satisfaction from doing so. Or I

8:07

think that I'm going to be able

8:07

to change this person or

8:10

whatever else have you Well,

8:10

guess what, you're not going to

8:13

change them, it's not your job

8:13

to change them. It is not your

8:16

job to have to respond to

8:16

anything that is not aligned

8:20

with the great things that you

8:20

want to create. And so if it's

8:24

not aligned with what you

8:24

really, really want in life, and

8:28

it's no legitimate, pending

8:28

threat to the safety, true

8:34

safety of your kids, and it's

8:34

nothing that you just have to

8:37

have to have to respond to on a

8:37

factual level. Then just let it

8:42

go stay focused on what you're

8:42

doing, they focused on what

8:45

you're creating. And so they

8:45

make their noise. You look at

8:48

it, you say That's pathetic, and

8:48

I'm gonna go create this. So

8:51

what are one or two more steps

8:51

that I can take to move closer

8:54

to this thing that I want for my

8:54

kids? What are one or two more

8:57

steps that I can take toward

8:57

this wonderful new lifestyle

9:01

that I'm creating and

9:01

immediately bring your focus

9:05

back to creation that will cut

9:05

out so much of the manipulation

9:10

and will cut out so much of the

9:10

magnetic pole from the

9:14

narcissist because you've got

9:14

something that's far more

9:17

magnetic, far more exciting and

9:17

completely yours?