0:00

breakups and divorce

0:00

can be extremely painful, lonely

0:04

and confusing. But I believe

0:04

they can also be the key that

0:08

opens the door to who we really

0:08

are. I'm Lindsey Ellison,

0:12

author, coach, speaker, and

0:12

single mom of two awesome young

0:17

man. Welcome to a podcast about

0:17

finding joy and inner peace.

0:21

after a breakup, you may not be

0:21

able to see what's on the other

0:24

side yet, but I promise if you

0:24

do the healing work, your life

0:28

will transform in ways you never

0:28

thought possible. Welcome to

0:32

unbreakable you. I am back. I am back. I am so

0:35

happy to be here with you today

0:42

and kick off a new season of

0:42

unbreakable you. And you know

0:47

what, it's almost been a year

0:47

since I did my last podcast,

0:52

which I actually cannot believe.

0:52

And you guys are still

0:56

listening. So thank you so much,

0:56

I still get my little weekly

0:59

reports of who's listening and

0:59

not who's listening. But how

1:02

many episodes are downloaded,

1:02

and I'm still getting hurt. And

1:05

so I really appreciate you guys

1:05

being really, really great loyal

1:09

listeners and, and a great

1:09

audience. So thank you, I have

1:13

so much to share with you. And I

1:13

wanted to just have this episode

1:18

give you an update as to what's

1:18

been going on in my life, and

1:22

where I am professionally and

1:22

all the new work that I have

1:26

just recently launched. So let's

1:26

go back in time, almost a year

1:31

ago, I believe the last episode

1:31

I had, I talked about my most

1:36

personal episode ever. So when I

1:36

recorded that episode, I had

1:42

just returned from being away

1:42

for six weeks at the meadows,

1:46

which was a fantastic, awesome

1:46

place that specializes in

1:50

childhood trauma. And when I got

1:50

home, I had really made an

1:56

effort to focus on my marriage,

1:56

and to, you know, hopefully,

2:03

repair things and really start

2:03

fresh. Well, it didn't turn out

2:08

to be that way. Things have

2:08

really changed and progressed

2:13

over the past Gosh, how many

2:13

months and I'm really, you know,

2:17

trying to give you enough

2:17

information to tell the story

2:20

without kind of diving too much

2:20

into my personal life and, and

2:24

disrespecting any type of

2:24

privacy with my ex husband. So

2:29

yeah, I just gave it away, we we

2:29

actually broke up and we are now

2:34

divorced. That happened very

2:34

quickly, didn't it? So I want to

2:38

just talk a little bit if I

2:38

could about the process of what

2:44

happened when I got back because

2:44

again, everything that I share

2:47

with you, the goal is for you to

2:47

take something away from it for

2:51

your own personal life. So what

2:51

happened was is I got home and

2:55

if you all remember when I

2:55

talked about recognizing

2:59

codependency and how

2:59

codependency is very much seen

3:03

as an addiction and in the

3:03

clinical world. I was basically

3:07

working on what we call

3:07

emotional sobriety. So if you

3:12

think of an alcoholic who is

3:12

addicted to alcohol, their drug

3:17

of choice is alcohol or the

3:17

bottle. And so when an alcoholic

3:22

is coming into sobriety they

3:22

avoid alcohol and being around

3:27

alcohol and alcohol is something

3:27

that is black and white. That's

3:31

something that you should

3:31

abstain from should you abuse

3:35

it? Well with codependency it's

3:35

a bit different. So the way we

3:39

look at codependency is like

3:39

alcoholic has a drinking

3:42

problem. A codependent has a

3:42

thinking problem. And you're

3:46

gonna hear me talk a lot about

3:46

this in future episodes about

3:49

distorted thinking. And when we

3:49

have childhood trauma, what we

3:53

end up doing well, more kids as

3:53

we go into this fantasy mode,

3:58

where I mean fantasies a little

3:58

strong, but it's where we're not

4:03

really in tune with reality

4:03

because as children, we were not

4:06

in control of our reality. As

4:06

children, we're you know, under

4:10

the decisions and controls of

4:10

our parents. And when bad things

4:14

happen, we really can't do

4:14

anything about it, we have to

4:16

rely on our parents. And so when

4:16

our parents aren't doing

4:19

anything about it, and they're

4:19

not nurturing us in a certain

4:21

way, as children, we develop

4:21

coping mechanisms to step out of

4:25

reality and go into distorted

4:25

thinking. So that's the kind of

4:29

stuff that helps us so as

4:29

distorted thought as a kid is

4:31

like, everything's fine. We go

4:31

into denial, or we become you

4:36

know, really creative or we you

4:36

know, we're good at, you know,

4:40

making up stories and fantasy

4:40

play and drawing and all kinds

4:45

of little things that we do as

4:45

kids well what happens is if

4:48

that has not been resolved, as

4:48

adults, we can still use the

4:52

same kind of coping mechanisms

4:52

such as distorted thinking in

4:56

order for us to handle reality

4:56

the difficult way ality that we

5:00

have. So going back to where I

5:00

was, when I came back from the

5:05

meadows, I was really working on

5:05

clarity and my reality, and

5:12

making sure my thinking was not

5:12

distorted, and therefore what we

5:17

call emotional sobriety. But

5:17

having gone now living in the

5:21

home with my husband, since I

5:21

had returned, it was very, very

5:25

difficult. And it was so much

5:25

though that our past as a couple

5:31

hadn't really fully resolved

5:31

itself out of distortion. So I

5:36

then it felt as though the way I

5:36

was I could best explain it is

5:39

that it was coming home, and I

5:39

was being triggered constantly,

5:43

like an alcoholic would. So he

5:43

and I decided that it would be

5:48

best for everyone's kind of

5:48

mental health and our own

5:52

emotional individual emotional

5:52

sobriety that it would be best

5:55

to separate. And so we did, and

5:55

it was a very, very difficult

5:58

thing. It actually was just one of the

5:59

hardest things I've ever done.

6:03

You know, my first divorce was

6:03

with, as you all know, my story

6:08

of with more of a narcissist,

6:08

and he was the father of my

6:10

children. And I was not in love

6:10

with him. And it was just a more

6:15

of a, our divorce was more of me

6:15

escaping out of a really bad

6:18

toxic situation where in this

6:18

situation, I was working so much

6:23

on healing, my codependency and

6:23

some really bad patterns of

6:28

thinking and behaving that it

6:28

was very hard to do that around

6:33

him. So we separated and it was

6:33

kind of the the most grown up

6:38

thing we had to do. And it was

6:38

very difficult because we still

6:43

very much loved and cared for

6:43

each other. So breaking up with

6:49

someone who you love, again, is

6:49

one of the hardest things I've

6:53

had to do. Generally, when I've

6:53

broken up with someone, I'm done

6:56

with them, and I'm over them and

6:56

get the hell out. And but this

6:59

was very different. So he ended

6:59

up moving away. And we kept a

7:03

very good relationship. And to

7:03

this day, we were very amicable.

7:08

But during that time when he

7:08

left, I went through what I

7:13

think was significant withdrawal

7:13

from him. And again, you've

7:17

talked about your you have all

7:17

heard me talk about one of my

7:21

addictions is that love

7:21

addiction. And I'm going to talk

7:23

more about what love addiction

7:23

is and further episodes. But

7:26

love addiction was something

7:26

that I really saw that it was a

7:30

problem. And I'm not going to go

7:30

into too many details as to why

7:33

because that starts to get,

7:33

again, crossing the lines of

7:37

some private information. What I

7:37

will talk about is how I dealt

7:40

with it. And here I am a coach

7:40

and working through some of

7:45

these deeper issues that I

7:45

hadn't really not known about

7:48

myself, I really hadn't

7:48

experienced withdrawal from love

7:55

in many, many, many years,

7:55

probably not since college, and

7:58

I forgot how agonizingly painful

7:58

it is. And we could be love

8:02

addicted to someone, even if it

8:02

is a narcissist or someone who's

8:06

who isn't good for us, etc. So

8:06

there's all various kinds of how

8:09

we react to our love addiction.

8:09

But for me, I struggled with

8:15

really not knowing who I was or

8:15

what my identity was without

8:19

being married. And I had to kind

8:19

of go back and figure out who I

8:24

really was. And part of love

8:24

addiction is where we start to

8:29

make someone else, our higher

8:29

power. And we lose contact with

8:34

our own higher power, meaning

8:34

our greatest self, our highest

8:39

sense of self, whether it's our

8:39

connection with God, our

8:42

spiritual values, etc. And I had

8:42

been trained, I believe we're

8:48

conditioned to do that just in

8:48

my childhood growing up. My

8:52

father was my higher power, I

8:52

was not allowed to have my own.

8:56

And I was not allowed to have my

8:56

own sense of self. So the

9:00

departure of my husband, who was

9:00

my higher power, I felt angry

9:05

and alone. And so many times I

9:05

wanted to call my husband and

9:10

tell him to come back home. But

9:10

I realized that that was not

9:13

good. So I really had to dealt

9:13

and really, really deal with

9:17

some of these kind of sober

9:17

issues and the pain around it.

9:22

And doing so, I'd say almost

9:22

this time last year and going

9:26

into the new year of 2021. I was

9:26

still reeling and just figuring

9:32

out who am I and what is my new

9:32

voice and what am I going to be

9:36

talking about, and what is my

9:36

career look like? And it wasn't

9:41

fun. I'll tell you it was really

9:41

really painful. And I remember

9:45

spending day after day after day

9:45

being just a gripping pain, as I

9:52

called it. mind bending, just

9:52

boiled over into the couch

9:57

crying kind of pain of just loss

9:57

and death of marriage and a

10:03

relationship and someone who I

10:03

truly loved. And I never thought

10:06

I would get out of that pain.

10:06

And so I looked for all kinds of

10:13

guidance. I did some meetings

10:13

with love addiction anonymous,

10:21

which were helpful for me in the

10:21

beginning just to be around

10:24

other people to talk about it,

10:24

because again, we're still an

10:27

early part of COVID. And things

10:27

just hadn't opened up yet. So I

10:31

was really dealt with dealing

10:31

with it on my own. And it was,

10:37

like I said, very, very painful.

10:37

And I really had no other

10:41

choice, but to start to pray

10:41

about it, because nothing was

10:45

taking this pain away. I just

10:45

felt so lost. And so I wouldn't

10:51

even say lonely. I just felt

10:51

like I was heartbroken. I think

10:54

that's the best word. And

10:54

heartbreak, I forgot how

10:58

horrifically painful it is. I

10:58

mean, it really does feel like

11:03

your heart is breaking in your

11:03

chest. So I prayed. And I

11:07

prayed, and I prayed. And I

11:07

asked God to take this pain away

11:12

from me. And to help me see this

11:12

differently. And I started to

11:17

get into this rhythm of getting

11:17

up in the morning, I did not

11:21

have cable, I cancelled cable.

11:21

So I really don't have any TV to

11:24

watch. And I got up in the

11:24

morning. And I started to create

11:27

a ritual where I sat on my live

11:27

this awesome little reclining

11:32

chair, that looks out to my

11:32

backyard. And this is winter now

11:36

and I just watched the snow

11:36

fall. And I would just stare

11:41

outside and try to center myself

11:41

and find whatever the hell

11:48

higher power existed in me. And

11:48

I started to then look for more

11:54

spiritual guidance to connect

11:54

with some kind of higher power

12:00

around breakups. So I was

12:00

looking for that, and looking

12:03

for books on that, and I didn't

12:03

really find anything. So one of

12:07

my favorite books, is

12:07

Conversations with God, I don't

12:11

know if you've read it. It's a

12:11

very old book. But it that's

12:14

kind of been the most tangible

12:14

book that I really, really

12:17

enjoyed, to help me through

12:17

things just life in general

12:21

about life. But I was really

12:21

looking more for things around

12:25

love and heartbreak. And to help

12:25

me get through this pain. So

12:30

what I ended up doing was

12:30

praying and asking for some kind

12:36

of guidance. And then I would

12:36

sit quietly for around 10

12:40

minutes, and not really think of

12:40

anything and just really try to

12:43

clear my mind and clear my ego

12:43

and allow this higher power for

12:49

me to hear it. And that is

12:49

really where 2021 started. And

12:55

it has changed my life forever.

12:55

So this season is going to be

12:59

talking a lot about that. And

12:59

about all the things that I've

13:05

learned in the process between

13:05

ego and our higher power. I also

13:11

dusted off a book through a

13:11

meditation one morning, I dusted

13:15

off an old book called the

13:15

course, A Course in Miracles. It

13:19

was written in the 70s. I don't

13:19

know if you've heard of it. But

13:22

I bought it maybe four or five

13:22

years ago. And it was very

13:25

biblical, and lots of God

13:25

references. And I just had a

13:32

huge distaste for anything like

13:32

that I was I've never been a

13:35

really religious person. Not a

13:35

bible thumper by any means, I've

13:40

only really been more spiritual.

13:40

So I didn't know what to do with

13:43

it. And I just sat on my shelf

13:43

and collected dust. But oddly,

13:48

during one of those quiet

13:48

mornings, I just got this

13:51

message to say go find that

13:51

book. And that is when things

13:55

just really started to open up

13:55

for me. And it really, it

13:58

actually made sense. All of

13:58

everything in that book made so

14:01

much sense. And I just kept

14:01

highlighting and really diving

14:07

in to some of the deeper work.

14:07

There are YouTube videos on

14:11

this. It's there's lots and lots

14:11

of writers out there who

14:14

interpret it. Because it does

14:14

need a lot of interpretation,

14:18

because it's a very difficult

14:18

text to read. But again, I felt

14:22

as though there really wasn't

14:22

anything like that, around the

14:26

pain of breakups or the pain of

14:26

heartbreak. And so that's really

14:31

what I asked God to send me to

14:31

give me some information on

14:36

that. And what came out of it

14:36

was I would meditate and then I

14:41

would just write, I would just

14:41

allow myself to write and allow

14:45

God or higher power to speak to

14:45

me and through me. And what came

14:50

out was unbelievable and very

14:50

remarkable that I just to this

14:55

day i i go back and read this

14:55

stuff and I can't believe I

14:58

wrote it and I I really don't

14:58

think I wrote it Lindsay and ego

15:02

did not write it. Lindsay and

15:02

Lindsay's higher power, wrote

15:06

it. And I ended up writing

15:06

passage after passage after

15:10

passage. And then I would go

15:10

back and read them. And I found

15:13

them to be incredibly comforting

15:13

and peaceful. And not too long

15:18

after starting this process, the

15:18

pain just started to go away.

15:23

And I started to feel more

15:23

connected to God. And I gotta

15:28

tell you even saying this out

15:28

loud, I have no problem writing

15:31

it. But even saying it out loud.

15:31

I'm so afraid of having any

15:36

listener be offended by that

15:36

word, because I think God and

15:40

religion and at least in the

15:40

United States, so there's the

15:44

religious, right, there's all

15:44

the stuff going on around

15:47

religion that has caused I think

15:47

more fights and anxiety and

15:52

grief and wars, over religion.

15:52

So I'm very sensitive to saying

15:57

that word. So a lot of people

15:57

say, universe.

16:02

And for me, it doesn't resonate,

16:02

because I think universe is

16:06

outside my body, where God is

16:06

within me, and I believe God is

16:10

in God is within all of us. And

16:10

we can tap into that higher

16:16

power at any time. But my God,

16:16

the only way we can do that is

16:21

to allow ego to rest and be

16:21

quiet. And when I did that, this

16:26

amazing piece of writing started

16:26

to emerge. And it took me about

16:31

three or four months to really

16:31

start to get through all this.

16:34

And once I did, and I gotta tell

16:34

you, guys, 90% of the stuff that

16:38

I wrote was on my phone, I had a

16:38

notes, you know, the Notes app

16:41

and an iPhone, I was just

16:41

writing that to the point where

16:44

I was like, almost closing my

16:44

eyes and just typing really

16:47

quickly with my thumbs of what I

16:47

heard. And remarkably, by

16:53

spring, I don't even know how to

16:53

explain it, I just felt joy. And

16:58

I felt alive. And I felt

16:58

awakened. And this summer has

17:03

been probably one of the best

17:03

summers I've ever had ever, just

17:08

with all the friends that I've

17:08

picked up along the way, this

17:11

summer, some old friendships

17:11

that I had severed, I renewed,

17:16

my ego, and all of the shame and

17:16

all the stuff that I'd been

17:20

working on, I think finally

17:20

started to dissipate. And there

17:25

was just me authentic Lindsey,

17:25

and it was showing up, and all

17:30

of these domains of my life. And

17:30

while this was happening, two

17:34

things were going on one, I

17:34

decided to create a new online

17:38

course called breakup

17:38

breakthrough, to help you all

17:43

get through a breakup or

17:43

divorce. And taking everything

17:47

that I learned at The Meadows

17:47

and boiling it down to more

17:51

understandable concepts, as well

17:51

as taking the spiritual aspect

17:55

of what was going on with me and

17:55

making it a hybrid of learning

18:01

about trauma, learning about

18:01

codependency and narcissism as

18:04

well as the addictions we have

18:04

and love addiction and love

18:07

avoidance, and taking those

18:07

clinical aspects. And then I

18:11

merge them with the spiritual

18:11

side. And it is designed to help

18:15

not in just your personal, you

18:15

know, romantic life. But it's

18:20

focused on the five core domains

18:20

of your life, which is

18:24

relationship with self,

18:24

friendships, your relationship

18:29

with money and your professional

18:29

life, your family. And then the

18:33

fifth one is romantic

18:33

relationships. So I developed

18:36

that course. And that took me

18:36

several months to do, which is

18:40

why I've been so busy. And you

18:40

haven't heard from me. And that

18:44

course launched earlier this

18:44

year, and those who have gone

18:47

through it, it has it has been

18:47

amazing. It's a six week course.

18:51

I'll talk about that in a little

18:51

bit. But the six week course,

18:54

that I, it's my best work I've

18:54

ever done. So if you're

18:58

interested in learning more

18:58

about it, you can get onto my

19:01

website, shoot me a note, I also

19:01

have a new webinar that I

19:05

produced, it's on my website,

19:05

it's under other good stuff.

19:09

It's a webinar that is about the

19:09

five things that you must do in

19:14

order to get over a breakup that

19:14

is free. So that's on my

19:17

website. And then what I ended

19:17

up doing was I took all of my

19:22

writings that I was talking to

19:22

you about and I decided they

19:26

helped me so much that I decided

19:26

to just start to create a book

19:30

about it. And what emerged was

19:30

this new book that I've just

19:34

launched, called blessings of a

19:34

breakup. So I come up with this

19:39

new word blessing. It's a hybrid

19:39

between blessing and an actual

19:43

lesson, something that you can

19:43

apply to yourself, but it's

19:45

definitely aimed as a huge

19:45

departure of other things that

19:49

I've done. I've never been a

19:49

spiritual and I'm also a little

19:52

nervous about it. I gotta tell

19:52

you because I no one has really

19:55

seen the side of me or heard

19:55

this voice in me and it's

19:58

something new and may turn off a

19:58

lot of people, and I may lose a

20:02

lot of people from it. But I

20:02

really would like to focus on

20:06

the people I would help, I'm

20:06

going to help and those who will

20:10

gain so much from this piece of

20:10

work, the lessons are now

20:16

available to you for free, which

20:16

is pretty cool. So what I ended

20:20

up doing is I ended up taking

20:20

each one of them and making them

20:24

as a daily email. So you will

20:24

look at my website, and you're

20:28

going to see that you can now

20:28

opt in to that. So first thing

20:33

you see on my website, where you

20:33

can opt in and get each one of

20:37

those lessons right now there

20:37

are 50 of them. So over the next

20:40

50 days, I've also included

20:40

other emails, different kinds of

20:45

support emails that I talked

20:45

about some more coaching type

20:48

emails, if you sign up for for

20:48

the lessons, and if you love it,

20:53

and you want to get all of it,

20:53

you can purchase the lessons of

20:57

a breakup on my website for I

20:57

believe it's 995. And it's all

21:02

in one big PDF for you that you

21:02

would download right away. So

21:07

that is all the good stuff that

21:07

I have been doing all year. So

21:11

here we are almost a year later.

21:11

And over the next season, I'm

21:16

going to be talking a lot of

21:16

some of the core elements of the

21:19

lessons. So if you're going to

21:19

be listening to this podcast,

21:22

please feel free to encourage

21:22

you to opt in and get them. I

21:28

also have a Facebook group that

21:28

I'm just starting so that some

21:32

of these concepts can be

21:32

discussed on the Facebook group

21:34

or any other feelings or things

21:34

that you want to share on a more

21:39

intimate level with me, you can

21:39

do so. And if you opt into the

21:43

lessons, you'll see the link in

21:43

my Facebook, you'll see the link

21:47

the Facebook link in that email

21:47

that you get the very first

21:50

email inviting you to the

21:50

Facebook group. So I will be so

21:55

excited to be talking about some

21:55

of this, I'm also still going to

21:58

be having guest speakers and

21:58

authors to mix it up a little

22:02

bit. And right now I have a

22:02

pretty rigorous podcast schedule

22:07

coming up. So I'm really, really

22:07

excited to have you with me,

22:11

make sure you subscribe to my

22:11

podcast, if you haven't already.

22:15

That way, your phone will notify

22:15

you of a new episode. And then I

22:21

will also of course and my email

22:21

list, the new episodes that I

22:25

publish, so that you'll be able

22:25

to see that and get notified if

22:29

you want it done that way. So

22:29

overall, this episode was really

22:33

just to kind of tell you where I

22:33

been and what I'm up to and what

22:37

I'm planning on doing over the

22:37

next kind of several months. And

22:42

I'm now going to be working on

22:42

another book that actually is a

22:46

memoir of my own personal

22:46

journey of love addiction. And

22:51

the title right now the working

22:51

title is I see me in men. And of

22:56

course, there's a little MI, M

22:56

E. And the men part is is you'll

23:01

see that in the print. And so

23:01

that's it's kind of a double

23:04

entendre there. But I see me in

23:04

men, and that is a memoir that

23:08

I've got, I've been working on

23:08

it for a while. But I really,

23:11

really, I'm putting this out

23:11

there to you guys to hold me

23:13

accountable. Because I'm really,

23:13

really hoping that I'll finish

23:17

it up, I have to write a book

23:17

proposal and get that out to an

23:20

agent. And I'm really hoping I

23:20

can get signed. So send me some

23:24

good vibes. And if anyone knows

23:24

any good agents or publishers

23:27

out there, let me know. But I'm

23:27

just starting that process this

23:31

year, along with all this other

23:31

new work that I've done. So

23:34

thank you guys for listening,

23:34

thank you for being so

23:36

supportive. And I really hope

23:36

that you are liking the lessons

23:42

and you can understand where the

23:42

spiritual aspect of my journey

23:47

can really help you as well. I

23:47

really, really don't think we

23:50

can get through any hard time.

23:50

These days without some kind of

23:56

connection to our higher power.

23:56

Because ego is so strong and so

24:02

programmed. I talk about this in

24:02

my book, I talk about how the

24:06

belief system, the thinking

24:06

problems that we have is

24:09

operated by our belief system,

24:09

it's a system of beliefs. And if

24:14

they are distorted, it's all

24:14

operated and led by the chief

24:19

operating officer called ego.

24:19

And ego is the Chief Operating

24:23

Officer of your belief system,

24:23

which is short for what BS which

24:26

is bullshit, right? And the only

24:26

way to get a hold of those

24:33

thoughts and that idle thinking

24:33

that can really lead us down a

24:37

rabbit hole of sadness and

24:37

depression and heartbreak is to

24:41

quell ego and tap into our

24:41

highest self. We all have one.

24:46

And so I invite you to join me

24:46

on this journey and I can show

24:50

you how to do that. My course

24:50

shows you how to do that, but

24:53

I'll be talking about that a lot

24:53

in future episodes. So stay

24:57

tuned for the next one and I'll

24:57

be talking to you soon. Thanks

25:00

for listening. If you haven't already, make

25:01

sure you sign up for your free

25:04

subscription to the lessons of a

25:04

breakup or you will receive

25:07

daily spiritual guidance on

25:07

getting out of your pain and

25:10

fact to who you really are. And

25:10

if you sign up, you'll get

25:14

access to my private Facebook

25:14

group and more good stuff. You

25:17

can find it all there at Lindsey

25:17

ellison.com.