0:07

welcome to unfuck your brain the

0:09

only podcast teaches you how to

0:11

use psychology, feminism,

0:13

and coaching to

0:14

rewire your brain and get what you

0:17

want in life and now here

0:19

your host harvard law school grad

0:21

feminist rockstar

0:23

and master coach carlo

0:25

and dialed hello,

0:28

my chicken we

0:30

are diving

0:31

into perfection

0:33

springs

0:35

and we're diving into the high

0:37

achieving brain say and we're having

0:39

we're having important conversation about

0:41

how to adapt and

0:44

understand coaching tool

0:46

for your specific brain especially

0:49

if you are someone who has

0:52

accomplished things in your life before

0:54

and

0:55

already you know can college

0:57

we we can't graduate school has gotten

1:00

how many jobs have guns motions

1:02

has created big results in your life already

1:04

now listen to this you may be

1:06

thinking yeah but sure

1:09

i did the thing but she has by the don't count

1:12

what happened to you

1:13

or

1:14

person of any pronoun that you use it

1:16

that's how you're thinking up but before

1:18

we dig into the conversation

1:21

i'm having my friend and position

1:24

coach katrina i wanna

1:26

make sure that if you are listening to this

1:29

you are a coach make

1:31

sure that you are thinking about how

1:33

this topic says

1:35

up in your coaching the

1:38

making sure that you feel like you

1:40

know how to coach people

1:43

who may not really

1:46

be the right candidates for some

1:48

of the traditional coaching tools that we are taught

1:51

it's super important to understand

1:53

your niche and your

1:56

clients and to understand

1:58

whether they for instance

2:00

need to be motivated to set goals

2:02

and learn how to go after them or if they

2:05

need to learn how to chill

2:06

out and slow down and actually keep

2:08

brief those are very different clients

2:11

is very different problems and a

2:13

lot of coaching tools are really focused

2:16

on people who

2:19

maybe need more help

2:22

reading your achieving goals take responsibility

2:24

for their lives and they are not really

2:26

a suitable for people who already

2:29

too much responsibility for

2:31

, lives and everyone else so

2:34

it's important and know who your clients are

2:36

who your niche is who you are coaching a

2:39

better view

2:39

and as your listings

2:41

this episode you're thinking oh

2:44

yeah i think my clients are in this category

2:46

are some of my clients and this category and i

2:49

think maybe add them like teaching them

2:51

tools and don't really

2:52

it happens what they need

2:54

one it makes you to make sure that you are

2:56

on the wait list for

2:58

the

2:59

the revocation and feminist coaching

3:01

we are opening applications very

3:04

very in a matter of days if you

3:06

think this when it comes out and

3:09

this this that we work on in death

3:11

in the advanced serfaty since i'm as coaching

3:13

is how hurting

3:15

to have a concept need to be adapted

3:18

for people who have different kind of

3:20

brain different kinds of experiences and

3:23

different needs it's not putting is

3:25

not one size fits all

3:27

make sure that when you first get coach sort of

3:29

but the truth is

3:32

the have all had different experiences and

3:34

we have different lives and brains

3:35

and we get different messages from society is so

3:38

you know for one size fits all

3:41

the baby be job but it's not

3:43

help make sure you are on

3:45

that list you can texts or emails or emails one

3:48

three four seven nine

3:50

nine seven one seven eight

3:52

for south plus one three

3:54

four seven nine nine seven

3:56

one seven

3:57

for the code word is a

3:59

the fc

4:01

just those initials ac fc

4:03

oregon on the fuck your brain dot com forward

4:05

slash he cfc and

4:08

you will be among the first to know

4:10

right let's get into it with katrina

4:15

hello

4:16

so much again i have

4:18

have podcast there for you this week

4:21

it it's just a lucky double week and

4:23

i'm really excited for summer say said not only because

4:25

my few people have an anti cancer my friends but

4:27

also because i think

4:29

that so many of those

4:32

of you who listens my podcast are

4:34

maybe perfectionist didn't know you

4:36

are perfectionists are maybe a little credit

4:39

or maybe like even as a reason that

4:41

the that on perfection fantasy is is like

4:43

the most downloaded one of all time and

4:46

, today i'm really starting with my

4:48

friend said she knew about doctor you bell

4:50

for those of you who don't know her who

4:52

is a weight loss such for physicians

4:55

but in the context of this podcast more importantly

4:57

somebody who also was herself and coaches

5:00

varied say high achieving

5:02

driven mostly women are all

5:04

women and we're going to be talking

5:06

about how you sometimes

5:08

need to adjust coaching tool that you might

5:11

learn and various places to account for

5:13

this particular kind of personality right no system

5:16

is the same not every person's the same that of be

5:18

towards the set to see the queue is it yourself

5:20

and maybe like as part of that can tell

5:22

us how you got into coaching and where you started

5:25

and high that's where you are now

5:26

yeah absolutely so for saw

5:28

for having me i'm excited reader will

5:31

get to that the us so

5:33

i mean i did the classics

5:35

passes the the high achievers

5:37

you know excellent students did all

5:40

the you know you extracurricular back in the

5:42

days when you're expected to be a well rounded

5:44

students you remember that to get into college

5:46

needed college be well rounded stabbing her

5:48

as soon to be college aged kids i've

5:50

found out that's not nothing anymore oh

5:52

what is the thing now to be like so now they want

5:54

you to go much deeper dive

5:56

i'm fairly chestnut about and

5:58

like idea

5:59

you that also then relates to whatever

6:02

it is you want to study

6:03

the like of the moon's ally and then those two

6:05

things when

6:06

it out that this whole idea that you needed to like

6:09

play for and the on the debate team and

6:11

be also doing like community service

6:13

and having a job and what

6:16

you're after things that apparently everything there

6:18

the for any mart subsided all those things

6:21

and got into you know my dream college

6:24

actually

6:25

wanted hard to be and

6:26

that's what i actually got an engineering

6:28

degree but it was halfway through that

6:31

realised like actually think i might want to be a a instead

6:33

i actually have not been know but

6:35

i like everybody went college thinking, they were pre-med i was

6:37

like no, i do that but

6:39

then it was like tourism experiences i had in

6:42

college that i like wait i think maybe do wanna do

6:44

that and so, you know talk like the high

6:46

fever so there were a couple of

6:48

semesters in college where

6:50

i twenty-four or twenty-five shapes

6:53

because i figured

6:55

out that to go to med school you it always

6:58

prerequisite that have not been

7:00

prerequisite for my

7:02

major so in order for me to

7:05

apply to college and not have to take like an extra

7:07

year is like you know why would a high achiever

7:09

subscription isn't as a happy that you know

7:11

that are years air now dot for that

7:14

so i had like zach on all these

7:16

away extra classes be able to get

7:18

the it's you know basics and nine

7:20

the basics and while some of it they find her but also

7:22

like i had to take like an english class make

7:24

you less had not been required for my major

7:27

but is certain month schools require that no

7:29

i just really set up this whole

7:31

system for myself or improve basically

7:33

like if you just try hard enough

7:36

you can achieve whatever it is that you won

7:38

and so you know my grades arguably

7:40

we're not really the super

7:43

afi

7:43

level to be able to get into med school like

7:45

what they would expect that i'd also majored

7:48

in a really really hard major and

7:50

so when the regular the made advisor

7:52

was like hey you supply taking her off

7:55

like to six some time off i was like horrified

7:57

and that super offended so i went

7:59

through the

7:59

pre med major a premade adviser

8:02

of my major and he was like not a know we can

8:04

get you an an yeah and i did get

8:06

an eye on animals of of labor zagging myself

8:09

once a med school

8:10

became a pediatrician

8:12

then i was doing that for

8:15

eight or nine years before i

8:18

first experienced coaching i had

8:20

heard like so many people had heard the term

8:22

life coach on oprah yeah i think it

8:24

was martha back i didn't even know my bike was the martha

8:27

backpack them but like there's a woman

8:29

named the back he was on oprah and

8:31

would talk about life coaching really

8:33

know what it was that what happened wasn't

8:35

had actually been doing plot is what woman and

8:38

then she moved away and when she moved

8:40

away she just mention that you thought she might become

8:42

a life coach the somehow i like five that in my

8:44

memory then fast forward and

8:47

all these like a year i was

8:49

just struggling with the family issue and

8:51

it was one of things where it was like in

8:54

other thing that have happened which by the

8:56

way i don't i literally don't remember what it was that

8:58

the thing that might seem to very big yellow

9:00

as in our job very

9:02

big deal the time and so i

9:05

was really unable to

9:07

let ago and i started thinking

9:09

like maybe i'm actually when you have the problem

9:11

here because like the other party is

9:13

not bothered by this is at all like their those

9:15

living there are a great life as i'm

9:18

over here completely suing

9:20

and i just for somebody felt like i was like

9:22

i don't think therapies the thing i'd done therapy

9:24

before and i didn't meaning again so

9:27

i just was like no think that's really what i need

9:29

but i know if i don't do anything to help

9:31

myself like

9:32

the say something that i'm gonna regret like something

9:34

needs a hobby

9:35

here and that's when i remember this friend with

9:37

the like cutting thing and i'm like some he was rich answer

9:39

as the she ever did that like maybe that would

9:41

be something for this and

9:44

she had literally just gotten certified

9:46

it was like one of those weird why methanol

9:48

and so she easier you

9:51

cause you just associate last eleven

9:53

in the uk then came back

9:55

just move back had like all these babies

9:57

and children and she's very busy

9:59

in two sessions with her learn

10:02

the very very basics and it

10:04

totally blew my mind completely

10:06

it was like what are you me and my thoughts

10:08

create my feelings treat my access we got doesn't

10:10

like a lot and it it was

10:12

and it was amazing i immediately was hot

10:15

as like i have to know more about this

10:17

and then it was really actually as

10:19

i was approaching my for his birthday

10:22

road sort of doing a bit of a life revaluation

10:25

looking at various different things in my

10:27

life

10:28

really looking at like my job satisfaction

10:31

i'd been working a future some for up ten years of

10:33

that point three kids by

10:35

that point and another common

10:37

in our theme for me was that i just kept gaining

10:40

or losing weight like just kept dating

10:42

and lose i mean like at least ten times

10:44

of like

10:45

forty at forty down for a

10:47

up forty down and really just

10:49

being like i like something just seems

10:51

illogical here that

10:54

like i keep repeating the same

10:56

thing and like i am just not solving

10:58

for this problem again being a high achiever i was just

11:00

kind of like it just doesn't seem logical

11:03

that like whatever weight watchers

11:05

has to offer is like the own the

11:07

thing there is er een on of course i tried all

11:09

sorts of crazy things that were not helpful

11:12

either and so

11:13

i was kind of like had my eye on the life

11:15

coaching thing and then realize the life that she can

11:17

help with wait to and i'm like oh interesting

11:20

like money

11:21

i'm i'm say i was completely

11:23

blocked in terms of any accessibility

11:25

of my emotions like i'm you know now i am a

11:27

high achiever i'm like in a both my

11:29

parents are german wiped from germany

11:32

i know what we don't do a motion to

11:34

not offend you know is is like

11:36

pull yourself up by your bootstraps and just

11:39

going so i really

11:41

really have so much to learn in

11:43

terms of just like actually becoming aware

11:45

the of what was happening for me and

11:47

realizing that i had just been using food

11:50

as the way to shove that downs

11:52

and i've been doing that for really long time and so

11:54

that's really about what sort of my entry point

11:56

really into coaching in that i was like wait

11:59

a minute

11:59

i never wanted to business to be hundred percent honest

12:02

i really just wanted to learn more i wanted

12:03

the able to my kids my kids the stuff i was like

12:06

i wish i knew this when i was younger and

12:08

then i was time like you know what other

12:11

women doctors out there who also feel mana

12:13

same about being doctors you struggle with her weight

12:15

when they're giving advice that they're not following not following

12:17

don't know lives like maybe there might

12:20

be some doctors other who wants some help with that the

12:22

toy change my life and then that was like the

12:24

start of this business

12:25

the third of me going in a lot i think i don't on

12:28

actually doctor anymore i think i wanna

12:30

hope these amazing women to

12:33

be an hour and thanks

12:35

great caregivers all of us that are really

12:37

struggling on the inside themselves

12:39

that so like whether some weight

12:41

or anything else and whether you're a doctor not

12:43

that such a common

12:45

way that social they sunsets women outright which

12:47

has to be like taking care of everybody else

12:49

and not take care of themselves right

12:51

like bad as you know why you

12:54

hear specimen i think it is changing

12:56

but we're all still alive with previous

12:58

they should i'm were raised by mothers

13:00

and grandmothers you really had the previous socialization

13:03

farmland and that utilizes the trauma

13:05

that they went through and stuff like now and i said i was

13:08

look at

13:08

my mother my mother went through

13:10

mother died when she was a and like no one ever

13:12

talks about anything she got never got you know

13:14

it's like

13:15

how do you and eight years old get through

13:17

that when no one's there to support you owe

13:19

you shove your emotions down she didn't use

13:21

mood by in out like we all

13:23

have coping mechanisms and to your point like

13:25

they're just pass on passed on pass on until

13:28

it kinda hits some sort of breaking point

13:30

you know for a someone who goes wait hold on a

13:32

second i want axel within the this further

13:34

i think that socialization around helping

13:37

way that the best seat and stay about

13:38

women are mothers are they were like self less that exactly

13:41

right of the in a funeral you've made

13:43

at

13:44

yeah right i just i mean does that

13:46

mean that goes around but i think on and that

13:48

i think is like there for reasons like some old tumblr

13:50

post or something that's that's something going

13:52

home and funeral and be or whether parker for

13:54

not and like everybody gets up and

13:56

house that like everything she did for them and

13:58

at the end their life i have no the with this woman was

14:00

like like i don't know what she likes

14:02

you do if she was funny if she was smart

14:05

if see quilt that lay out anything about

14:07

her all i know is that

14:09

the like

14:10

everything she had other people and that was and

14:12

like even if you're listening to this you're like wow that's what

14:14

i want it like that socialization

14:16

yuk i'm and funerals and year that was picked

14:18

that idea that

14:21

like

14:21

the giving tree basically right like that that's

14:23

what women are supposed to be like gasoline

14:26

finally sat down at the hands me

14:28

, message literally nothing left and then around

14:30

the nothing left they should stop reading that butcher little girl

14:32

that i now so when you

14:34

found footage of them serious wyatt and

14:36

then and nice and us i got my as leveling what your

14:38

experience was in terms of like

14:41

you know coming from the

14:43

the ground where you so he knew how to set the chief golf

14:45

the like right i'm like a

14:47

lot of catching told are sort of they'll

14:50

get on and china like ask questions such

14:52

a leading way but i'd be curious to hear have like what

14:54

your experience was like do the chemicals

14:56

until still like what's not relevant you are

14:58

what didn't what's not help for what did like salads

15:01

you experience that yeah well

15:03

i like to say canadian friend

15:05

us all that more is that like of the

15:07

you know an issue that i've really

15:09

works on it's fun even and just like

15:11

the last couple years the

15:14

this idea that like someone else

15:16

is the expert they know

15:18

better than i do how i

15:19

some of my life

15:21

for sure i felt this way with wake as if you

15:23

know the messaging also has like well you know

15:25

you're obviously the one who got you into this

15:27

the you can't possibly be trusted to

15:30

know what your body might need

15:31

why do your the enemy and so you

15:33

have to unless some expert outside of

15:35

you to tell you when you should eat and will actually eaten

15:38

all the size so i had a seven when it's like

15:40

nonsensical like the i don't want to manually

15:42

enter miserable looks like a grapefruit

15:44

and a tablespoon of vinegar a day and you're like wow

15:46

that's the x

15:47

it so i guess i'm a fan of split

15:49

your body of literally like screaming for

15:51

you're like now so and so sad i

15:53

can

15:54

you can i turn on the radio

15:56

why paid twenty nine ninety ninety

15:58

that the human body can't

15:59

great britain vinegar iran i guess that is

16:02

caught a mammoth be

16:03

so that was what

16:05

kind of were with coming from also when

16:07

you're going through you know the school

16:10

laying like i did like you did

16:12

like other hides you think people it's very much

16:14

like there's this prescribed way it's like

16:16

you need to do this you know in medicine there's

16:18

like you know the practice guidelines

16:20

you know best practices like too slick

16:22

that the right way it's a

16:25

know in quotes or you know arguably the

16:27

right way that's that's supported by evidence

16:29

and and research is to

16:31

treat patients this way or do things

16:33

where talk about things in this

16:35

game in the office setting said

16:37

it was really

16:39

there are to like

16:40

find an expert find

16:42

someone who is further ahead than me and

16:45

then just leave every single thing they say

16:48

he now and not in my save one for us i

16:50

mean there's lots of people can be like an author

16:52

to be like anybody and then

16:54

it just go like all and on what they're

16:56

saying because they clearly have the solution

16:58

i know nothing even though as

17:01

you said like believe

17:03

wait wait i have actually been very good buffalo

17:05

my life on my own it's so interesting

17:08

so i guess the found

17:10

that like so many things that was like many

17:12

tools that are super oh for me and

17:15

then many tools that i actually have had to

17:17

spend years sort of like scrubbing

17:19

for my brain fray lines they were lengthy

17:22

now yeah exactly and it's

17:24

so i like in hindsight now

17:26

where i was thinking about like so

17:29

what would i tell someone said the

17:31

thing that i realized that i struggled

17:33

with was it's like

17:35

you know when you're such a high achiever

17:37

and then you're exposed to like south health

17:40

has sought

17:41

the

17:42

that would with anything we're we're like i to see the the

17:44

to see the next thing and then i'll finally like

17:46

myself beads you know satisfied

17:49

think i'm valuable gets a thing

17:51

positive thoughts about myself whatever it's like oh

17:54

here's this person talking about this one way

17:56

to do something like maybe like how

17:58

i do you know how to run your

17:59

i wonder how to keep yourself on track with

18:02

your calendar and achieve goals so

18:04

i better do what they're saying even though

18:06

i actually don't have actually problem

18:07

that that and the system is i've been using

18:09

myself what does it ain't broke

18:11

so i'm gonna fix it

18:12

that where there is no problem

18:15

for me is so it's like i think that

18:17

the best thing for

18:19

people like us issue about

18:21

thinking as are being so so this and

18:23

like being exposed to when i teach in what you teach

18:25

them what other people teach and all the exposure

18:28

is like what is the problem

18:30

that this tool soft forks

18:33

and do i actually have that problem or

18:35

don't even want to eat maybe you do have

18:37

a problem that do even want to solve that

18:40

problem right now is that

18:42

even you know the the thing that you want to focus

18:44

on right now than allowing yourself

18:46

to still be the expert right were

18:49

there for ten our bodies were the efforts in

18:51

our minds like we can empower

18:53

ourselves to go wolf's this is an interesting

18:55

idea media want to play with that navy

18:57

i don't but i don't have a look at it like this

18:59

is the and i'll be all things if i don't

19:02

do this thing or do it is certain right way

19:05

then i'm wrong something's wrong

19:07

with me and it's like we start creating more problems

19:09

for a southern more opportunities for self loathing

19:12

which of course never helps anything at all

19:14

yeah i mean to me this is like

19:16

being aware of the sort of socialization

19:18

and your relationship with yourself is so important

19:20

because the to the anybody also

19:22

to look at my life and been like you know

19:24

promise even things but i still

19:26

thought i mean you know going on in our mass my

19:28

server i would like they just

19:31

can't tell actually and they they don't know that

19:33

i'm lazy i did they don't know that i'm laid

19:35

the i'm just able to like bang it out of the last minute

19:38

they did don't know right so it's like i

19:40

didn't even have the self awareness even if you had

19:42

told me that i would have been like know i do have a problem

19:44

with that rates to die for me i think

19:46

so much of it as like my philosophy

19:49

is i would much rather you

19:51

do nothing and be nice yourself about it

19:53

then do a bunch of said amphibians

19:55

yourself about it right it's like that relationship

19:57

with yourself is actually the core thing that we're trying

19:59

the work on yes because we're

20:02

not even

20:03

i think would gender social this with high

20:05

achiever socialization perfectionism were like

20:07

not events reliable witnesses

20:09

about whether we actually have like

20:11

we like they were doing everything badly

20:13

and can always be doing everything

20:15

better to only n n that

20:17

that kind of like lack of ever being

20:19

satisfied never ever thinking

20:22

that good enough is good enough or what

20:24

we have is good enough is

20:27

part of the problem my that's where have gotten

20:29

us into this situation where we

20:31

feel dissatisfied where i feel like we're under

20:34

performing are coming up short in some

20:36

way even though all evidence

20:38

on the outside the nose to the contrary

20:41

and it's just it's this another way

20:43

that we can

20:44

the repeat ourselves up like i have i that many many

20:46

clients were like well you know the way

20:49

i got to be this high

20:51

as you're a doctor is by beating myself

20:53

up though i'm really reluctant

20:55

to give and while i was remind them is

20:58

in the people at work of me i'm like oh okay

21:01

you if i did that speaking really harshly

21:03

negatively yourself treated the results

21:06

have you performing better but what

21:08

you're forgetting is that the only way

21:10

that you could even tolerate being with yourself

21:13

with by using foods and i'm out

21:15

in or possibly alcohol to just try

21:17

to like

21:18

a boy that that negativity

21:21

you know so it's like

21:22

saying that that helps to but then you

21:24

needed it but this other crush because it was

21:26

so uncomfortable the so awful like

21:29

why are we fighting for this way of achieving

21:31

things like you today as like you know in the

21:33

mix

21:34

yeah my answer to that is always like

21:36

what if you the

21:38

actually achieved everything you've achieved in spite

21:41

of yourself talk right exactly

21:43

as of a guy like even by

21:45

correlation of that position a backlash

21:47

is that would have achieved even more without it

21:50

i think that also such a good point because basically

21:52

what we're saying that instance as if

21:54

so counterfeit raised

21:55

i have to achieve things to feel okay about myself

21:58

but when i drive myself to achieve things

21:59

i'm doing it by selling city by myself

22:02

slipping on felix rifle like what

22:04

is the point you're trying to achieve birds are better

22:06

by yourself

22:07

but the method you're using makes me feel

22:09

that yourself so you're never stop

22:11

never going to produce feeling good about yourself like you can

22:13

run that equation ten thousand times

22:15

yes i don't know about you or me i feel

22:17

i'm still working on this you know

22:19

in various

22:20

the is like i feel like this year has been a big

22:22

one for me and this

22:25

really more deeply

22:27

what we're observing n the

22:29

concept that like

22:31

i don't like the day today

22:34

the my life of my works

22:37

then that's on know

22:38

the but me i'm like

22:40

no one's gonna come and rescue me there

22:42

is no accomplishment that will feel

22:45

so good that it will

22:47

make up for

22:49

feeling bad along the way

22:51

like a really really

22:53

the down to me saying

22:55

in a while i'll i'll have my license when it could

22:57

just be like hey you know my attitude sucks and

22:59

i need it seems that money to remind myself

23:01

how on approach the same things and i'm doing or

23:04

could be that i'm not doing them in our

23:06

either the same way or in the same volume

23:08

or definitely have

23:10

this site's it's kind of like you know if

23:13

i'm feeling off kilter like the first

23:15

thing as like as she does work

23:17

i always overworking is like

23:20

the the subconscious solution

23:22

since and so i think that when we identify

23:25

that of ourselves like we just have to be aware like

23:27

okay that's me doing that

23:29

again like now i'm working on the weekends and i'm staying

23:31

up late working okay i gotta dial that back again

23:34

i can't get my words and during that time then

23:36

i got a really look at you know what i'm taking on

23:38

and why am i say enough sleep really the site

23:41

i think it was for so much of my life it was

23:43

like to get through this punishment because they

23:45

will be better on the other end in a that so much

23:47

like med school and our medical tree and

23:49

all that right in like even my

23:51

for be my baby like you know me get through i mean for me

23:53

being pregnant with awful right like a just get through

23:56

this like nine months of a horrible mess

23:58

so that you can have them

23:59

ordered the baby on the

23:59

around and any and the baby and they are like of could melt

24:02

last and or of on i like

24:04

this is really hard to like let me to get them till they

24:06

flew through the night okay hours ago elegantly

24:08

to stay up until they could talk enough

24:09

the only thing like satisfaction and happiness

24:12

with that the other and the other as an excuse

24:14

i'm working with vicky the wheezes the time coach

24:17

and i just looked so call our by want to propose

24:19

recently good even though i teach like you

24:21

can't hate feeding and expect to find

24:23

you can you know the others both severed

24:25

like you can't like work your way now

24:28

the fifty an hour work week later and advice to

24:30

you are absolutely

24:33

i chat is effective we're

24:36

a bit of a me wrong i like high school and i don't overwork

24:38

by it's definitely and my mind it was like yeah

24:41

city has be grouped i have to do it's going to take

24:43

more upfront to get to that played say

24:45

that such a high and still and were socialized

24:47

to think of that as

24:49

virtue right

24:50

it and it is such a balance like i see

24:52

with you know

24:53

coming into the black now that i am spending

24:56

more time with children and my partner has

24:58

kids that i'm like more in a sort of

25:01

involved to that

25:01

is it like balancing these

25:03

lessons that you the to teach of like

25:06

yeah delayed gratification is important in some

25:08

instances like it is important to learn how to

25:10

do things for future benefit

25:13

if you want to do anything other than like

25:15

fly around in the wasn't eat berries which also sounds

25:17

great but hard to do in a capitalistic

25:18

the me like you're going to hasn't

25:20

called to be that end of the same time not instilling

25:23

the sort of like suffer now be

25:25

happy

25:26

yeah right which i also think of as a scary like

25:28

christian concept of like life on earth

25:30

is hard and terrible but then like there's been afterwards

25:34

which like as even like jewish they

25:36

haven't so i need to enjoy this now like i'd have

25:39

a thing as you will explore

25:41

the explore hard but it's don't wallow like

25:44

you know there's know sense in complaining though

25:46

just you know pretend like there's nothing hard

25:48

about thus would you take you know essentially

25:51

car in all a gas lighting yourself you're like your

25:53

lived experiences this but no wonder that

25:56

you're not allowed to feel like it's that way

25:58

and so you know honey side you know that how

26:00

many coaches really sharing something

26:02

that there you know really thrilling

26:04

the know i i know it's just a thought like it's

26:07

this immediate little later date on

26:09

themselves of like i shouldn't really be struggling

26:11

with this site

26:12

where are you should be because you know what you're human being

26:15

and you're a [unk]

26:15

right all human suffering

26:17

as article

26:18

you know why that's like saying i

26:20

even the made me sick like i know it's a food

26:22

poisoning like yeah but just like it feel bad

26:25

was happening and right exactly it's not

26:27

like a problem i think you

26:29

eat successfully related i want to go back to which

26:31

i think is like the desire that

26:33

have for somebody to be the external

26:35

it's already maybe that's what gets

26:37

us into this i think like when you get a

26:39

cookbook are you like i have to cook everything

26:41

the recipe and that's fun the five to the back i have

26:44

right but it's most of us

26:46

some yeah i see like this for the new yorker

26:48

i possible targets of for about how was like

26:50

offering me when i just gave literally

26:53

this sounds hilarious now but like gave

26:55

myself permission to not read everything in

26:57

the new yorker

26:58

right i just had this belief that like to

27:00

be a well informed sophisticated person

27:03

i had read all the articles even though every new

27:05

york

27:05

the twenty five page article about

27:08

like a terrible war somewhere which i

27:10

did

27:10

if you know i don't have your that the my feel like

27:13

i do that because one

27:14

i'm the foreign correspondents or the bc

27:16

seat later on my off time

27:18

like i , not in fact

27:20

i do not need to be an expert on the war in libya yes

27:22

i personally have a guy you've been generally informed

27:25

about the world you know but like as soon

27:28

as i your politics as politics turns out and i don't

27:30

wanna read this article but like a little

27:32

years a would read like read the whole

27:34

thing covered whole thing we didn't think i love skip

27:36

the parts i don't want to and by elissa

27:38

cookbooks i did not to pick and choose

27:40

but we come to coaching or any

27:42

kind of know i think their ways and

27:43

they coaching occupies the space

27:46

that used to be for

27:47

the people would otherwise the occupied

27:49

by lake

27:51

that generous spiritual community

27:53

or whatever or a couple

27:54

the like that not because housing of the call is just

27:56

because people just the therapy or meditation

27:58

or yoga anything like

27:59

it it want a system to

28:02

organize their mind and live by right they

28:04

want like the b e o e the explanation

28:06

of everything like we want

28:08

to eat to eat that will explain everything

28:11

for us and that will be are like primary system

28:13

to live by

28:14

the grammys i thought you were like this isn't a cup

28:17

of i can pick and choose right i have to like

28:19

except the entire thing and then that's you

28:21

know the equipment been like and me them like keepers the

28:23

or salmon but i've seen a can eat

28:25

and also there is no famine here and also

28:28

disappeared for of vitamin d deficiency

28:30

in i don't have one but i just like have to do it anyway

28:33

yeah same thing i mean i'm sure you see this

28:35

i for sure seen as like the people who

28:37

view there's like a religion and essentially

28:40

right like the healthy eating how i know

28:42

that guy that i have a logical

28:44

thing also to

28:45

i mean i did a fighter dive into began as

28:47

i'm and you would think that that's like odis

28:49

don't eat animals like know it's actually like

28:51

very i bought and different factions

28:53

within it and they all think that if you don't do it

28:55

their way than you're doing it wrong and also

28:58

if you don't have every health

29:00

issue the average variants in l

29:02

us

29:02

the and mental issue solve

29:04

it out

29:05

clear up immediately and eating that way

29:07

then you're doing it wrong it can't possibly

29:09

the that may be that way of eating as

29:11

rating for you to know you're a doctor and you know

29:13

that been not your schizophrenia the on a separate

29:15

i see it enough confine

29:17

lagoon security it's a

29:19

complete protein of my mother lives also

29:21

use of that's what does that mean she goes

29:24

i don't even know exists except

29:26

the or something guide

29:30

the think one of the things that were kind of drawing out here

29:32

is like honestly whether you're a high achieving present

29:34

not a particularly if you know that like

29:37

you are the kind of like i sometimes think people who are and less

29:39

high achieving actually are better at this because they are

29:41

oh people who are a little more like

29:44

dalia or have wanted to make the runway

29:46

are like didn't greatest fold into the system

29:48

where some of us were like oh there's the system

29:50

and i'll get in a happy and i'm all ears

29:53

and rate and we just like that's

29:55

how we moved through life i am working on my book right

29:57

now and like have been writing about like this

29:59

exactly

29:59

right i'm coaching and it was like i forgot

30:02

the feminism part my brain for a minute or i would like

30:04

okay this is the new world order like this

30:06

is the new regime this is how the world works

30:09

and that i that's a bit something's missing

30:11

or something has been twenty five years studying

30:13

and about , that may

30:15

be relevant to this like says

30:18

that's what i think both of us are teaching us

30:20

are ways li it is scary especially

30:22

for people so sizes women to get

30:24

in touch with their own discernment and authority because

30:26

like the stereotypes about women

30:28

for thousands of years of we are like irrational

30:31

overly emotional not suitable for leadership

30:33

it can't be trusted to make decisions can't

30:36

rely on ourselves need someone

30:37

harper to do i years as are wandering

30:39

are underbody making us crazy when there's a

30:41

full moon we lose

30:42

my and flake we are

30:44

just to edo socialize for so

30:47

long to not believe that we can

30:49

be the authority and we can be that

30:51

would ourselves or anything else except like the health

30:53

of excel really which apparently respect to magically

30:55

naturally know exactly the i am

30:57

sorry that like the me feel like the

30:59

biggest side here is like i mean i have an

31:01

episode of sheet of and cineplex no gods know

31:03

gurus like i don't know everything don't

31:05

do everything i teach if you

31:08

are you

31:08

do is like does this make sense for me

31:10

like how can i possibly know when someone elses was

31:13

eat i don't know when you're hungry

31:15

yeah right like

31:18

it honestly if you think about it is really

31:20

you know kind of egotistical like to be thinking

31:23

to be telling someone like you need to fit all your food into this

31:25

box

31:26

mary all the food your backwards and

31:28

extremism above all

31:30

accounts have called the as faster about

31:33

the about saturday

31:34

read or be a factor diet oh my god

31:36

it was discussed high fiber diet but i

31:38

think that the person ended up like having prime

31:40

them but they're like tiny stories

31:43

are people who have the you just eating the same as a favor

31:45

which for some people may work for them and

31:47

from some people did not work for that right and

31:49

is actually not a good idea but the people

31:51

just kept going rate as like

31:53

nothing of your stupid if because we're so

31:56

socialize be divorced from our own body

31:58

than that might be food and eating

32:00

or it might have your emotions happen in your body to

32:03

so were all of this like thing

32:04

for some your body whether or not you're thinking

32:07

about your waiter eating just being divorced and like

32:09

it might hire do i needed to take a walk

32:11

instead of get on the phone call do i feel over

32:13

stimulated do i feel under simulated do i

32:16

like am i sat at my tired like

32:18

to all of that is in your body these people

32:20

just like they were like having really

32:22

intense physical discomfort and team and

32:24

like a lever and then i kept going

32:26

to that was like this maybe have the

32:28

authority and she told me either the fiber

32:31

the and you know they the and years it was what you're saying

32:33

about guys and girls that

32:34

right right total know this religion

32:36

makes me feel terrible and i hate myself

32:38

the worst person the world but i'm so sick or that

32:41

specific ritual and of course for my

32:43

purse i got i think also even though you do cartwheels

32:45

me or suicide

32:46

your weight about the most important thing in the world rates are

32:48

like i don't give a crap what's

32:51

your way that i'm sorry but i

32:53

really don't i hear it all up hating

32:55

yourself and that yourself stop obsessing about food

32:57

almonds i've read

32:58

that awake when you combine that like revocation

33:00

of our own authority and the sort of like this

33:03

is what matters is like how you walker that amount

33:05

of skill or whatever of course you get people

33:07

who are completely divorced from their

33:10

own experience and are willing to like undergo

33:13

lot of emotional incest or suffering because somebody

33:15

else told them that that

33:17

okay are no big deal or not really happening

33:19

or worth it

33:20

am i going to say that like i've had to

33:22

work on this even in my business to for years

33:24

of like know i am the effort in my does

33:26

no it's

33:28

gonna come in and know better than me

33:30

how to run the thing

33:31

you know am i a bunch of really deeply

33:33

believing that that was like a huge part of

33:35

this to have x yeah i don't need someone

33:37

to com and rescue you know this business

33:39

or me or save me

33:41

or anything like that like like i actually

33:44

have the knowledge like shoot so it was they like

33:46

would you be for like either times when like out on

33:48

a walk and i'm like oh man i'm single are

33:50

saying and i should go car and sushi

33:53

coach man this and then i'm like walk and like well what is in

33:55

her would say and then i'm like i hear your

33:57

voice and i had near like the of of other by and unlike

33:59

while but bought a little while back

34:01

basically euro my lab me

34:03

and my time i go home and my only the code

34:05

mara i'm florida a bit about specially

34:08

the during you am i had the like nobody's some interest

34:10

to you that has been like the theme of my last

34:12

six months totally that's

34:14

what it is a we have to see like there's always

34:17

a assists the

34:19

appeal of not like you know i think since

34:22

i've to get to grad school it's but like i said

34:24

like many more to come on the coaching world that would

34:26

like every like this two sides

34:28

every par dynamic the when we make ourselves

34:30

not the authority ya the facet can

34:32

happen it also protects

34:34

us from like taking risks and putting ourselves

34:36

the line because

34:38

the word is only like oh no i no no not me i'm

34:40

gonna like it was somebody else as developers

34:42

have it doesn't work out i can like also blamed that other

34:44

percent ray it's my as opposed by saying

34:47

that responsibility like yeah i feel

34:49

city when i think any be rescued but it also

34:51

gives me the hope that like a magical solution will com

34:54

my the key sides of that same beliefs

34:56

yeah vs if i am like know i got

34:58

a rescue myself like that's both scary

35:00

and empowering right exactly

35:02

it's i feel like it's just like this ever have

35:04

the majority in our whoever said that like you

35:07

know you become whatever even you know if you're preventing

35:09

cortex fully developed in effect upon same

35:11

developed by age twenty five am i know

35:13

and this is you know establishes while but like

35:15

not that often talk about like we can see the

35:17

to mature as we age and i do worry

35:20

it's like the you know even this

35:22

as a human but also like as a business

35:24

owner as a coach as in

35:26

l a partner as a friend

35:29

useful like all those things like you mature you learn

35:31

like i think ideally like

35:33

we take ownership and riff on the responsibility

35:35

for our own successes and

35:37

our mistakes and failures and we learn

35:39

from mistakes and failures and from the successes

35:42

and we keep iterating i figure it out

35:44

i just keep thinking like at the end of this

35:46

whenever the shot that tons like am

35:48

i going to be you know more satisfied

35:51

with the fact that i really rely on myself even though

35:53

it was harder and lot more uncomfortable at times

35:55

than going well you know someone else gave

35:57

me orders and direction and i was just like this

36:00

soldier who carried it out and and

36:02

in at work out sometimes and i didn't

36:03

like i don't think that will feel a satisfying

36:06

no totally and there's nothing wrong

36:08

with him and i both of us are people who

36:10

have been experts are experts and consult

36:12

experts like we were just talking about iraq i'm very

36:14

happy getting a happy life

36:15

figure out the lighting in here right so it's and

36:17

i don't want this any this be taken as like

36:20

yeah

36:20

yeah i will never find humorous

36:22

all and it's eleanor's what the hell

36:24

does i always look at it like

36:26

pretty miserable

36:27

then if i think of it is like reading like a separate

36:29

the generic defense physically between

36:31

me and the idea or the barker the

36:33

person or whatever and i think

36:36

of it as like that spaces like the filters

36:38

rather that before it was like i was glued

36:40

to that person like whatever they said raina my her

36:42

the off i gotta go do it now my years

36:45

a bit of a filter where i can give myself

36:47

a moment to just

36:49

it back for a second and go okay they said

36:51

that what do i think

36:53

about that

36:54

that makes it like let me that take a minute

36:57

to see what my own opinion is

36:59

like filter it through my own brain first

37:02

and then decide how and

37:04

if i wanna take action and if you're

37:06

not doing that also believe that you've more

37:08

of a chance of actually doing what some of

37:10

the same big the court part of what happened is

37:12

like we encountered coaching tools that

37:14

may not even i've been fought in the way that we heard them

37:16

but because you are

37:18

in my eye here's the building must be wrong with me

37:21

so

37:21

what are you toby hey

37:25

nothing wrong with you and here's how to do as

37:27

and we just like

37:28

not your the nothing's wrong with you bird ever like

37:30

great that i did you actually violates

37:32

you might do that too like level part

37:34

s is me being like i don't give that about your calendar

37:37

i wanted to make yourself and the people are writing

37:39

ending like i just can't do my calendar the

37:41

way car so they have to do it right i'm like this

37:43

is not right the only hear what

37:45

you're open to and i think i mean i love

37:47

that like taking a step back and and the thing

37:49

i would add [unk]

37:50

they're like i also think

37:52

what i'm like i totally welcome for experts

37:54

but then if i try it and

37:56

it isn't working for me like at

37:58

that point and my life that was a good

38:01

experiment and this is not the right thing for me

38:03

i'm not getting the result i y

38:05

right or do i continue

38:06

to be like note my result and me must

38:08

somehow be wrong yeah right i saw you

38:10

the like oh that's an interesting idea

38:13

in read as that's the way to do it

38:15

well let me try that like you are a source

38:17

of one and you have to decide how much riskier

38:19

to mistake like i'm like

38:21

for pentagon does work not an experiment

38:23

to see if maybe it doesn't like that's

38:25

not worth the risk i'm for downgrade fact

38:27

that authority for sure if there's other

38:30

places maybe like i'm a try and see what happens

38:32

on his other places or i'm an addict i feel comfortable

38:34

just i've been trying that like where

38:36

are we all to make right make those decisions that

38:39

i think what we're talking about isn't like you're

38:41

the expert of any equals one and so nobody

38:43

else has expertise matters it's like how do

38:45

you use your own discernment your own experiments

38:48

in perfectionist we all hate that because

38:50

like but then had know if i got it right

38:53

right , was you know ahead of

38:55

time but the whole work is

38:58

like not having to know that you

39:00

got it right right rak exactly as

39:02

if eight years

39:03

growing up in a system that told

39:05

you like a here's how you get the a and

39:07

the be like okay cool i'm in a duel the things

39:10

and then you get the a really messes

39:12

you are

39:13

when you confront

39:14

the thing the my for it's not so clear

39:16

any not really hit home for me when i was

39:18

starting with some fertility issues after

39:20

i had my for can still like we don't

39:22

know why you can get pregnant anymore and

39:24

like trying harder

39:27

that work to split program

39:29

i'm having a all the thing i

39:31

can i

39:32

don't know what to tell you i got

39:34

bad that does not work

39:36

and i remember feeling so like

39:38

no with this is not how my life

39:41

is like i'd as know like it or something

39:43

i can rely on it's my ability

39:46

to work hard and to persevere and so like

39:48

at the thing that i once once you get i guess argue

39:50

and say that i did do that in images

39:53

of or

39:53

no doubt what i wanted there

39:56

was no guarantee of that of that

39:58

mike you know that whole like we don't know why

39:59

that happened or you know like there's

40:02

no clear pathway laid out

40:04

i was like what are you talking about like that is

40:06

not how my life is

40:09

in l and i think that's that i even see

40:11

it you know my my oldest son is a junior in high school

40:13

and in a his that like looking at the rubric

40:15

in the whole whatever and i'm like

40:17

when trying to like filter into hamlet

40:20

it's important i saw that important and you know

40:22

if it's my dear doing this just to get

40:24

the grade but that's not how life is always gonna

40:26

be like just i feel like the

40:28

airport yeah dot of logic way

40:30

we know that but like wouldn't have been nicer

40:33

like more deeply understand that it

40:35

out what even like even a gps

40:37

on the overworking like those overworking

40:39

like i over work in the sense that i'm going

40:42

about the rest of my life but i'm thinking about

40:44

what our you know my thoughts are consumed about

40:46

work i'm like always in that

40:48

place even if i'm not physically in my office

40:50

or physically working in elect someone could just

40:52

be like you need to figure out a way

40:55

to little really saw that

40:58

you can take a break from that like that wouldn't

41:00

and i think that would really help us i mean

41:02

let me to say i i think i have had

41:04

many kind say like i'm just so mad that i didn't learn

41:07

the stuff until now and i'm like never think about

41:10

it came of the perfect time perfect time wouldn't even

41:12

have been opened the when i would have probably thought it was a newsflash

41:15

people had mentioned the sit as before but we were

41:17

ready to take , think

41:19

i've think did learn and i went to

41:21

be a psychology major in college what are the odds

41:23

i had never know when i had never seen

41:26

something upset about cause feelings like

41:28

i'm sure that that information presented to me and

41:30

i'm me variety of ways but i would not round

41:33

here and until here and ready to hear one

41:35

hundred percent yeah i told her get her head totally

41:37

agree i reserved it is as whereas it's

41:39

like we just want we want relief from our pain

41:42

and we wish we could have had it sooner and i'm like

41:44

the paint on to where we are now an hour really

41:46

motivated to get out

41:48

the think also there's going to be set of

41:50

i mean to me i my

41:51

the about a lot and i'm michael to legislate i

41:53

got news for you there's more pain coming right

41:55

exactly like this idea that if you had

41:57

known as before you went have had a humanist

41:59

the influence in uruguay i know

42:02

gonna happen that's gonna happen going for

42:04

it even though you do know that they're playing i saw

42:06

an off ramp way so tell people where they

42:08

can send more about you

42:10

while you know i guess i just wrote a book

42:13

that is

42:13

coming out which you know a lot about that

42:15

sort of the remote some of them will seriously

42:18

so the book is called how to lose weight for last

42:20

time

42:21

frame be foolish and supreme weight loss i

42:23

just want to mention that i feel like

42:25

the title has multiple meanings like the secondary

42:27

meaning to me is like another way

42:29

to lose weight loss time is to stop trying to lose

42:31

weight

42:32

there are like just give up

42:34

that like just saw without

42:36

it but maybe we can create

42:38

a little healthier relationship with food and are size

42:40

and mans in l and whatever happens if

42:42

your body happens everybody because of that really that important

42:45

anyway as what's most important

42:47

is that you don't sell consumed like i

42:49

used to be with constant thoughts about food

42:51

and your weight and hating yourself done all that

42:53

stuff so that books available everywhere as well audio

42:56

book and then i have

42:58

in a lots of free resources on

42:59

what i'm saying continue volunteer dot com

43:02

from getting

43:03

yes i my friend thanks for coming

43:05

on think you think someone's car

43:09

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43:26

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