0:07

welcome to unfuck your brain, the

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only podcast teaches you how to

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use psychology, feminism,

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and coaching to

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rewire your brain and get what

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you want in life and now

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here's your hosts, harvard law, school

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grad

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the on how i

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, mean aesthetically other

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off that way it's , fallen

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new york summer now pacific than it is

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i and i don't know

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if those feelings about summer so i think i

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am consistent about summer because i'm

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just not a big fan of it overall i mean i like

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it being late at night late late

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at night

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we go for tongue twister

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hi i'm not like i

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could do without the he the humidity

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the smell like the

1:00

sweating all it doesn't make sense

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but i see a lot of people around me who

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love parts of summer they

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love that it's hot had an ex

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who loved being hi i was like so mr

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five they

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love ball on days they love

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they heat but then they don't like the mosquitoes

1:19

and they don't like me now

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the way the garbage smell the new york and summer

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or they love the long nights but they

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don't like the heat or they whatever it is

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and , is sort of a superficial

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example of something that i want to talk about

1:32

on a really deep level with you all as when i call

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the internal fun

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prediction error

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and

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the have any my made up and you know it's not a snappy

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they've done a better job but emily

1:45

specific case right now the aim

1:47

is pretty tired but given i mean

1:50

by the internal contradictions era

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and i have had just come up most

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recently in coaching around business

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and selves and it's what about the success

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of entrepreneurs but whoever

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you are a hundred percent i guarantee

2:03

you are doing this and some area of your

2:05

life and so i you

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know just listen and apply it

2:10

to wherever you can see your doing that

2:12

the internal contradictions error

2:14

is when we want to do

2:17

a thing be a kind of person

2:19

that we want the experience to be

2:21

away that is completely contradictory

2:25

to the thing that we wanna do or the personally

2:27

want to be the whereas

2:29

you the three up and entrepreneurship all the time

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is people decide they want to be

2:33

entrepreneurs they want to start their own business

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the partnership is inherently

2:40

hi it's very nature the

2:43

risky unpredictable

2:46

experience

2:48

it is inherently and bias nature

2:51

and experience that requires failing

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alive trying things that don't

2:56

work being rejected

2:59

having inconsistent the sometimes

3:02

the and going through

3:04

the ups and downs of figuring

3:06

like every single fucking

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thing out yourselves even

3:11

if you hire a business coach even

3:14

if you hire whoever even if you have an mp

3:16

yea like being an entrepreneur

3:19

is basically being a real time

3:21

problem solver with your business

3:23

on the line all the time now obviously

3:26

like as your business growth guess established

3:28

you have more other kind of

3:30

safety net with the business like the business

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is kind of robust enough that you

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have a failure it's on a b d all

3:37

you have a thing tatham don't work

3:40

you know he sort of have an infrastructure

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that can take beating a little bit it's

3:44

electric heat for sure is not

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always as crazy

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of a rollercoaster as it is the very beginnings

3:52

either ignorant we like that like after

3:55

, an entrepreneur is it

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is not inherently

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the table

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the position where someone else country

4:03

the knew how to do the job exactly

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right and you will get

4:08

the back and reviews and it's

4:10

insistence like salary

4:12

and four one k

4:14

and whatever right an entrepreneur you adequate

4:17

for yourself you guys teachers have had to do the job

4:19

while you're on the job and again like

4:21

i always work with scissors coaches a

4:23

offer business touching and my service business mastermind

4:26

like getting an amazing

4:28

but it's coaching your brain where it's getting in

4:30

your on way no matter who you are

4:32

no matter what for ramey and roll and you're

4:35

going after figure out ship for your own business and

4:37

like how it works and how to talk about it and

4:39

hottest salad and how to best teachers

4:42

your people on how to reach them and how to change

4:44

them and all that so entrepreneurship

4:47

is in here

4:48

we

4:49

fifty that is the trade off

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you don't have to go

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who an office where you work for someone else nine

4:57

to five or eight to eat or

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whatever it is you don't have

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to agree with somebody else or what's

5:03

your salary can be you don't have

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to do what other people say like those

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are the benefits but trade off

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is is inherently risky and unpredictable

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and you don't know how to do it and yeah

5:15

i see so many entrepreneurs what

5:17

i call it does entrepreneurial delusion

5:20

which is this idea that

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it entrepreneurship field as

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stable and predictable and safe

5:29

the having a desk job as working

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for someone right

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that's the like him her no contradiction

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error it is

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this delusion that the

5:40

thing that you want to

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do with this person you want to be should

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it's not involve

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any of the he scary

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or difficult aspects of ensign

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fact it's feel as

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safe and stable and predictable as

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the other thing rates i see this

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friend since an people

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the corner

5:59

monogamous where they want it to be non

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monogamous without having a seal the

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our c and security

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conflicts over time management

6:10

you know the sort of instability of

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learning how

6:13

whew

6:14

let me not wanna be clear high see this phenomenon

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was relationships are not inherently unstable

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in that any more so than longest

6:21

relationships and fans as people can

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be committed to each other whether they're monogamous or not

6:26

right now monogamous relationships don't

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rely on the institution

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of and the sort of the white

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hatch band aid of monogamy

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to provide a false sense of

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security an institutional

6:40

security rights a non monogamous relationships

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inherently have

6:45

more people involved you know whether

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there's more than two people in a given relationship

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or just the people in the relationship have other relationships

6:52

there's more people involved there's more time commitments

6:55

there's more things to prioritize things

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are inherently more complicated may

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be complicated better word used to people wanna

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have wanna nama the relationship without any

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of the complications of non

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monogamy and when they miriam

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someone they feel jealous when they feel and

7:10

secure when they have to wrestle

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with what it means someone someone

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and how to know when you that your loved without

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those things you've been socialized to be taught you need

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to show your love to see think something's gone

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wrong and the same thing with i entrepreneurial

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delusion entrepreneurs

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experience challenge

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, failure things

7:30

not working you know business

7:32

defang after it was after it and then then

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the next year or whatever else and then they think something

7:37

has gone wrong they think they're

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supposed to know exactly what to do

7:42

that everything is the the just be

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a clear and smooth progression always growing

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bigger and bigger consistently with

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no failure with no uncertainty

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without risk know insecurity

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that's just an internal

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inherent contradictions you cannot

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have that that's enough what the thing dies

8:02

like thing i wanna take the train

8:05

the i wanted to be as

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fast as an airplane i want to chain

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because i like to be able to get on and off and

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i like to be able to see outside

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the window and i don't want to be in the air

8:17

and i don't want to go to the airport

8:19

that i wanna

8:20

though at the speed of a flight

8:23

like if not it's a huntley contradictory you

8:25

can't have that now maybe

8:27

somebody someone's gonna

8:28

that and nothing but the

8:30

point is that when

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we decided that we want to experience

8:35

something we want to be

8:37

an entrepreneur wanna be non monogamous

8:39

we want to be whatever rate whoever

8:41

it is you want to be what everything we wanna do

8:44

yeah we are so resistant

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to the essential inherent nature

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of that experience that

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, so much emotional trauma

8:53

and so much suffering for us and

8:55

the worst part is be completely magnify

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it and make it how much worse for ourselves if

9:01

you understood that being entrepreneur

9:04

is inherently

9:06

d and confusing

9:08

the not as stable

9:09

i'm working for a multi nash

9:11

preparation maybe obviously there's multinational

9:13

corporations that also fail and then you lose your

9:15

job so some of the stuff is illusion

9:18

but if you want to

9:20

have this experience

9:23

of the older your own business of getting to do like

9:25

exactly what you want to do in the world

9:27

rights it's sort of like in the more you

9:29

want to customize your life

9:31

the no more you are going

9:34

to experience

9:36

how and and some struggle and

9:39

trying different things and some of them not working

9:41

and more instability as you try to figure it

9:43

out that's just the trade

9:45

off rate that is the cost of doing

9:47

business if you want

9:50

i feel secure paycheck

9:52

with no risk and know very

9:54

the east end

9:55

don't become an entrepreneur

9:57

person on the beginning you can have that on the line sometimes

9:59

hey if you want to

10:03

never have to consent questions

10:05

around national romantic

10:08

monogamy what that brings up from you don't become

10:10

non monogamous rates and i could

10:12

give you some million other examples and sort of you listening

10:14

to have exams that i would never even think out because are

10:16

not my life experiences

10:19

or whatever your life is like and when should

10:21

think about the places in your life the

10:23

sort of whether it's her job

10:25

at whether it's your family where's your personal

10:27

relationships weather service kind of person

10:30

you wanna be com where

10:32

you want all the good parts of it but

10:35

you don't want any of the more challenging parts

10:37

and to , that makes it worse

10:39

when the inherent and natural

10:41

challenging parts come up you

10:44

react to them like it the pumping have

10:46

gone wrong then often

10:48

because women are socialized to always blame themselves

10:51

for anything that we blame ourselves

10:53

to this is like something i work on so much in the

10:55

summers business mastermind is my

10:59

why n the who have

11:01

businesses that are working whoa

11:03

work if they keep going freaking

11:06

out about what our natural

11:08

variations in this because

11:10

entrepreneurship is inherently

11:13

risky and an even especially the beginning

11:16

right but then when that happens they make it mean

11:18

there's something wrong with them so suppose if they just

11:20

thought themselves oh right

11:23

this is the cost doing this as this is the tradeoff

11:25

i wanted it to build my

11:27

own vision the work for myself create

11:29

my perfect job for myself

11:33

yeah because the that is like nobody else

11:35

gives me the plan for what to do and

11:37

nobody else guarantees my salary in

11:39

my retirement benefits of my health care and

11:41

nobody else rate has

11:44

the training programs i know exactly how to do

11:46

every part of my role playing this is the

11:48

trade off this is dorm on natural student

11:50

visas the big deal be able to keep going and that's what they're

11:52

learning that for we work on but

11:55

when i see so often is that in whatever

11:57

area this is coming up for people

11:59

they want

12:01

the thing they want without any

12:03

of the inherent challenges and complications

12:06

of it's and then when they experience

12:08

those rather than recognize that those are normal

12:11

and natural and part of that process

12:14

they make it mean something has gone wrong

12:17

they became reactive suez they become resistant

12:19

to where they make it knew something about their own

12:21

capacity and keep ability rates

12:24

so many license in the some list as a mastermind

12:26

are making hundreds of thousands

12:28

of dollars a year and slim themselves that they are

12:30

bad at best that's just because they arts

12:32

serious thing normal

12:35

there he skyn in there's

12:37

up and in entrepreneurship that exist inherent

12:39

to the the koreans

12:42

they compounded they make it mean there's something wrong

12:44

with them and that of course that starts to

12:46

fuck with their mind is fucks with their decisions

12:49

that's to their self concept as a business person

12:51

as an entrepreneur make them they they

12:53

don't know how to do it they're doing it wrong and then

12:55

they can

12:55

how now problem

12:56

same thing with lox a non monogamy

12:59

the other example been using the

13:01

of normal

13:03

the

13:04

that didn't this is normal like the it's

13:06

normal citizen motion sick from up when

13:08

you are non monogamy

13:09

then you can either think like oh right

13:12

the crop doing business i want us

13:14

of our freedom to love and be loved by multiple

13:16

people

13:16

want my partner to have that level of freedom

13:19

probably sometimes it's gonna get messy

13:22

that's okay i'm up for that i

13:24

understand that's inherent to this thing

13:26

i want that's a very

13:28

different experience than having a coma i'm

13:30

starting to freak out believing that

13:32

you should never the feel that thing and if it does

13:35

that mean your partner did something wrong probably

13:37

think you need to control them better spray

13:39

which is antithetical to the whole process for

13:42

the from the wrong with you and your broken and you'll never be

13:44

able to fill that are about this and then

13:46

you make a problem so much worse for yourself

13:49

you quit so how much more suffering for yourself

13:51

i want you to think about were in your

13:54

life you are making

13:56

this internal consistency

13:58

error the internal contradict

13:59

the air

14:01

wait where are you wanting or

14:03

believing that something that you want

14:06

should not require

14:08

experiencing the

14:11

challenge the that are inherent

14:13

to that role or experience

14:15

whether that's as an entrepreneur as someone numb

14:18

in august or whether that's as the ceo

14:20

of a fortune five hundred company and i'm

14:23

monogamous you know mother

14:25

of seven or whatever

14:27

like whatever your identity is what are your experiences

14:29

where are you making this error where

14:32

are you thinking that the

14:34

any experience identity for

14:37

role should be the

14:39

the parts of it you like not

14:42

the parts that are insurance that experience

14:44

that are challenging and then where are you for

14:47

extra credits making those normal

14:49

inherent challenges mean

14:51

something about yourself and your own capacity

14:54

to do that things have that all

14:56

had that experience it's

14:59

normal to have variations of

15:01

this how does but you don't have to make it mean

15:03

anything about your own capability

15:05

you don't they get mean that you're doing it wrong

15:07

that there's something wrong with you that's

15:09

what really your way

15:11

in the at

15:13

it mexicans

15:15

they'll hunt down some internal inherent

15:17

contradictions the entrepreneurial

15:19

delusion non ,

15:21

delusion or your own personal

15:24

version of the still is and you

15:26

will be shocked to see what to see it

15:28

makes to just understand

15:30

and acknowledge that this experience

15:32

or role or life or person you want

15:34

to be whatever it is

15:36

that the challenges it presents are inherent

15:39

the experience and are normal

15:41

and taught me that anything has got it

15:44

hi tina

15:45

we're loving what you're learning in the podcast

15:48

use of six and check out a clutch

15:51

such is the podcast the any for

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all thing on fuck your brain

15:55

it's where you can get individual

15:57

applying the concepts here only

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it's where you can new coaching tools

16:02

not sure on the podcast that will blow

16:04

your mind even more and

16:06

it's where you can hang out and connect over

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all things that work with other podcast

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chickens just like you and

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me it's my favorite

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place

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on earth and it will change your life i

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guarantee it come join us at

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ww.w i'm freaked your brain

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calm, the clutch

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it sounds like your brain calm

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for the clutch i can't

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wait to see you there