0:07

welcome to unfuck your brain, the

0:09

only podcast teaches you how to

0:11

use psychology, feminism,

0:13

and coaching to

0:14

rewire your brain and get what

0:16

you want in life and now

0:18

here's your hosts, harvard law, school

0:21

grad

0:30

a me that i didn't know that i

0:33

lift weights with a trainer twice a week and

0:36

, i'm surprised he was just doesn't seem completely

0:38

i'm keeping up with isn't my

0:41

persona and

0:42

meanwhile thing about our i

0:44

hate getting sweaty and or ever

0:47

hi at the like to take a lotta nuts but

0:49

i also lift weights and i just

0:51

say i have learned how much

0:53

about my brain am i nervous system

0:56

from lifting and

0:58

lifting of also really given me

1:01

a way to think about how

1:03

my brain works and how new

1:06

neural patterns form and the

1:08

ways in which you know the body

1:10

and the mind can work similarly

1:12

and in i think sometimes saw

1:14

work is understood as being entirely cognitive

1:16

which is normally to keith even not called thoughtworks

1:19

least not the way that we teach

1:20

i'm proud to sit around here really is about the mind

1:22

body experience taken together and

1:25

the way that

1:26

we

1:27

physically can

1:29

train and change our bodies

1:31

and are strains and build new

1:34

patterns in are rain

1:36

that sort of control arm muscles thomas

1:38

a lot about how our brains work too

1:40

how i thought parents were too felt

1:43

like say to share with you this actually pretty

1:45

incredible conversation i had on the

1:48

six size save lives podcast

1:50

which i will admit is not a point out

1:52

that i knew a lot about simple

1:55

for i was invited

1:57

to com speak on it

1:59

and so

2:02

hi really encourage

2:04

you whether you exercise or not to

2:06

listen to this episode because

2:09

if you do exercise and you do

2:12

kind of work our in a whatever

2:13

that means moving your body of exercise but if

2:15

you you know

2:17

that's if they do movement and target movement

2:20

on purpose for the purpose of exercise

2:22

and or it's cardio or and

2:24

lifting than your dazzling and want to

2:26

listen to this episode but even if you don't

2:28

you're going to hear about how

2:30

your brain needs training and

2:32

conditioning just like your muscles do only serve

2:34

talk about feminism

2:37

movement of exercise we talk

2:39

about society is unrealistic

2:41

expectations of women

2:43

in their bodies we talk about

2:46

how the pandemic has impacted

2:48

women the women's movement we talk about

2:51

how to redirect your thoughts

2:53

had improve your confidence how to redefine

2:55

family that we really get into quite a lot

2:58

so whether you are

3:00

a huge follower already

3:02

have thick they save lives or

3:05

whether you have never heard of it before this moments

3:07

think you're really good enjoy this thoughtful

3:10

an interesting conversation that we

3:12

have there were no further do

3:14

i will let you guys start listening

3:16

and

3:18

luis alberto

3:23

analyses own success or

3:26

my excitement try

3:28

because they've tried before it and it's

3:31

as if before

3:34

the know at the gas and we had

3:36

i'm should i

3:37

horror

3:38

well i'll i'll just say this

3:41

i'm gonna try my best not to leave a little

3:43

angry because the now that as many

3:45

jerk reaction when as

3:47

i feel like they're injustices but the guess

3:49

we had on today is

3:51

so enlightening and so

3:53

him poor in and she

3:56

is just like a specialist

3:58

in all of this things that

4:01

make women women and make a

4:04

wire our brain and it's like

4:06

item now and wow how did you feel it is you

4:08

feel like i love having

4:11

these conversations with women because

4:13

number one sitting in a room with incredibly

4:15

smart women is over on firings

4:17

me and i guess today is absolutely

4:20

brilliant and having just thought provoking

4:22

conversations about confidence

4:25

and women and how we can have

4:27

actionable changes to just leaving

4:29

our best lives gas

4:32

is something that like i just live for

4:35

in she is brilliant

4:37

so her name is cora low

4:39

and tall yeah and she

4:42

is from the podcast on fuck

4:44

your brain scan the creator

4:46

of the reflects our our lives

4:50

and like your brain com i'm

4:52

like she's brilliant see

4:55

i'm went to yale

4:57

and harvard law school and

4:59

was actual is left her

5:01

job as job as to

5:04

be com a life coach and to see

5:06

she's brilliant that's an understatement

5:08

why she dies is

5:11

she basically like host of coaching

5:12

community that a feminist am

5:15

still and

5:16

the revolution it's to help

5:19

women over com insecurity anxiety

5:22

imposter syndrome people

5:24

pleasing and their

5:26

dependence on external validation

5:29

and i think that those are things that are so ingrained

5:32

in so many of us and

5:35

just a recognition that

5:37

week

5:37

then teams are thing that

5:39

we can adjust

5:40

that we don't have to live under

5:43

those constraints

5:44

mind blowing and see as

5:47

the woman to do

5:48

yeah i mean we can't talk about

5:51

confidence without bringing her on we

5:53

can't even talk about rewiring

5:55

some thoughts in our brains without

5:58

bringing her on i think it's so our

6:00

in one way for you guys listen so empowering to

6:02

know that you hold the keys to rewiring your

6:04

brain so have little

6:06

we are so excited to have

6:08

you on and marino jump right into it

6:10

to you when from ivy school lawyer

6:13

she the leader of a feminist revolution through

6:15

your brand in business tell us how this

6:17

happened in what drew you to now be

6:20

your life's work

6:21

like i'm the leader the feminists are listen

6:24

to get like the new either like a new

6:26

feminist revolution and anybody

6:28

is listening ah feminists i don't

6:31

have seen the angry keep listening in

6:33

i teach you the new semitism is

6:35

so i

6:37

would have been a lifelong

6:39

that i've been a professional feminists my whole life and

6:41

one way the other when i went to law school

6:43

in order to do repressive rights

6:45

and women's health rates work so i was

6:47

a litigator meaning i am basically

6:50

you know when

6:51

the did legal work to protect

6:53

women's right to access reproductive

6:55

health

6:55

hair and then i

6:58

am became academic and i said of

7:00

watch more on ideas and theories

7:02

around those legal

7:03

and then i

7:05

you know the

7:06

normal theft and that evolution towards

7:08

law professor is you make a hard right turn

7:10

right before the law professor part a become a life

7:12

coach

7:12

that so that's what

7:14

i dance and

7:15

my jewish parents are almost are covered

7:18

six years later and so then i

7:20

became i became but for me it

7:22

really is a continuation of the same work

7:24

i have always been focused on empowering

7:27

women to have control of their own lives

7:29

and their own destiny is and i still wholeheartedly

7:32

believe that requires be able to have controlled

7:34

their physical lives and their physical destiny

7:36

and deciding you know when and whether and

7:39

how to bear children a second

7:40

if you

7:41

it more i now more work on

7:43

how to help women empower themselves

7:46

mentally

7:47

the an eye out and that's why i call kind

7:49

of the new feminist revolution big

7:51

of i think

7:52

you know we have the existing so

7:55

guess i'm like all the things

7:57

know that need to change i do think things in the world

7:59

need to change

7:59

but

8:00

now able we don't change

8:02

the way we've been taught to think

8:04

about ourselves it as a matter

8:06

what

8:07

the in the outside world rates of week

8:09

him if we like

8:10

the place every politician

8:12

the ceo and whatever may

8:14

with people from any marginalize

8:16

a down a nice women people of color

8:18

disabled people whatever he is a

8:20

thought processes that we learn about ourselves

8:23

haven't changed we would just be

8:25

in those positions the outing ourselves

8:27

criticizing are cel thinking we're not be authority

8:29

thinking we need we don't know what to do

8:32

and so to me that have new

8:34

feminism is the

8:36

thought process the internal liberation it's

8:38

not replacing the social stuff we need both

8:41

but we need both we can just focus

8:43

on changing had of outside world

8:45

that's how i ended up here

8:47

man first i just wanna thank

8:49

you for the work you've done with women's

8:51

reproductive rights personally i want to thank

8:54

you and i also just

8:56

wanna say how insightful i think that that

8:59

the idea is and

9:01

i remember i'm a former history teacher

9:03

and i remember sitting my high

9:06

school students down and asking them

9:08

to raise their hand if they consider them as the feminist

9:10

and they had almost no hands raised

9:13

and then giving then definition of

9:15

what of what is insane why

9:17

isn't everyone's hands raised and you're exactly

9:19

right that the com any answer

9:21

was what i'm angry i don't want to be

9:24

mad at man i don't want to i don't see

9:26

anybody nathalia and as

9:28

he says

9:31

mega family the marketing

9:33

problem which i

9:34

if i could do you like being able

9:36

to wear pan

9:37

then about congratulations you

9:39

are a communist you like be

9:41

both have a credit cards without your dad

9:43

having to guarantee

9:44

it congratulations you're a feminist

9:46

drapes like read a fiat and

9:49

explain to be boarded actually need the

9:51

that that internal work that

9:53

you know we need to do before

9:56

nah before as simultaneously

9:58

face it has to be

9:59

the never been time because if you're sitting

10:02

at a classroom high school students ensue

10:04

lot of thirty is a cancer

10:06

themselves feminists i mean we're late we

10:08

have internal things going on that

10:11

me the be adopted sell in

10:13

your coaching your talk about

10:15

women in the need to literally

10:17

like be wire their thought

10:20

after it and their patterns

10:22

to be able to live with what you call authentic

10:25

confident so first

10:27

of all yes

10:29

i'm here for it but before we

10:31

get there i think it's important that people

10:33

can recognize and identify the

10:35

social conditioning that me be like

10:37

currently holding them back he

10:40

cause a scene said it's like

10:42

step one like recognizing herself

10:44

so can you have some of the ladies that

10:46

may be listening identify some

10:48

of these behaviors in themselves

10:50

that would you like commonly what

10:53

are these look like yeah absolutely

10:55

and i'll say like the way that i cheated i cheated of like

10:57

if you're socialize as a woman see

10:59

you may have been such as as a woman and so identifies

11:02

a woman you might be non binary you might

11:04

be a trans woman like what if you've been exposed

11:06

to what when we say socialize like that something

11:09

big word a religious means what is

11:11

you

11:11

learn from society

11:13

about like what your identity

11:15

group is right like what is

11:17

you learn women are like what did you learn men are like

11:20

you also want everybody was one of the other saintly

11:22

thought we were growing up like there wasn't

11:24

an acknowledgement of the gender binary that gender spectrum

11:26

yeah what are you what were you try

11:28

about people car what we talk about disabled people

11:31

are retired us that people like whatever identity

11:33

you live and you just or two things

11:35

sometimes explicitly like your parents or teachers

11:37

will just be like these kinds of people are like

11:39

a new and the people are gonna that and

11:41

bad but also you learn it

11:44

implicitly which me

11:45

no one thing it's you but you're like

11:47

looking at the government and being like

11:49

that's not the old white men who aren't

11:51

either that or you are

11:52

like the kindergarten

11:54

after their score all women but then all the administrators

11:56

are all man or and like all of these sort

11:58

of

11:59

this it latin

11:59

we to pick up on without even thinking

12:02

about

12:02

i like

12:04

who is important too smart for

12:06

the leader whose authoritative

12:08

like these are all things we just learned like throughout

12:10

most says just from seeing

12:12

like what's around us right

12:13

which is why like i think

12:15

i got a family that was very focused on

12:17

like my education my achieve man like

12:19

you know nobody was ever saying like

12:22

don't need to go to college just get married

12:24

like that one of them by the my help at all

12:27

but i still live in a world array

12:29

that like has certain

12:31

a t shirt sell in

12:33

terms of how they show up i think was tricky

12:35

about it is because is because of it is

12:37

implicit like it

12:38

not like we got a flyer at school that said

12:40

women are

12:41

you know bad at math and some be in

12:43

charge of thing

12:44

but if the implicit

12:47

we don't recognize it in

12:49

our own mind so i always say that lakes

12:51

if what you hurting your brain with some nineteen

12:53

fifty male announcer

12:54

void being like

12:55

women can't be trusted with money

12:58

then like you would know not to listen to that

13:00

what you hear what you hear is

13:02

is your own voice they think like

13:05

i'm irresponsible money or i should make

13:07

that big of a decision i like maybe i shouldn't

13:09

i don't what i'm supposed to spend the money on our

13:11

money as hard as i don't understand as some zoc

13:13

i think about it because i feel bad

13:15

when i do like it shows up

13:17

sounding like your own voice and you just think

13:19

it's your own true soft about yourself

13:21

and you don't even recognize it

13:23

the thing to look out for are like

13:26

how often are you doubting yourself

13:28

great how often are you thinking that you aren't

13:30

good enough at something can't do something

13:32

aren't smart enough need someone

13:34

else to like validate all your decisions

13:37

how often are you people

13:39

see thing like one of this i think one of the most

13:42

like almost the foundational thing

13:44

women are high that we learn

13:47

about women in our

13:47

variety is that

13:49

i value comes from

13:51

the in service to others like

13:53

helping and serving other people and so

13:55

that make the us

13:58

hyper focused on what everybody

13:59

the about us right and

14:02

that is what the so we have it's like contingent

14:04

confidence meaning like i'm only like so

14:07

good about myself is contingent on like

14:09

there's that we don't you're out of like i just need everyone

14:11

who knows me to tell me that not mad at me every

14:14

half hour for the rest of my life

14:17

it like our conference is so shaky

14:20

because it's like i can only be confident if

14:22

i have heard nothing i've only good things

14:24

about myself and last twenty four hours and i

14:26

think everybody and it was pleased with me and i'm afraid

14:29

of

14:29

the than a minute

14:30

the much different in the mirror or someone

14:33

that sad or wheat whatever them a holding

14:35

call dollars thank you card so waited outside

14:37

and know your confidence isn't

14:40

internal yeah it's still as turn on a pike

14:42

based on the shaky platform up

14:44

on going to collapse at a moment's notice

14:46

wow that honestly that so insightful

14:49

to because there's so many levels of confidence

14:51

right in there so many like process that we

14:53

have to go through where he likes you start

14:55

out by like testing the waters with

14:57

some external confidence and even that

15:00

step is a lot for a lot of

15:02

women were like we haven't even internalize

15:04

they'll him and got that parts just like hanging

15:07

by a thread if everyone thinks we're okay

15:09

or if we're doing o l or if we've gotten a promotion

15:12

or if no one mad at us at that very

15:14

moment like school we can have a sign

15:16

of good and man

15:17

exactly right today i'm allowed to talk

15:19

for thirty seconds

15:21

or you've met like it know for a lot

15:23

of are women their goal weight as i know

15:25

our be confident when i get there are when

15:28

you do get their you like a lot i'm allowed to be

15:30

confident now and it's like

15:32

wait a minute so

15:34

many people climate that doesn't stack

15:37

yeah right because the problem is that you have

15:39

this

15:39

the the like rewiring your

15:40

in your brain is like i'm are

15:42

you know he to if you work out

15:44

like you can do i'd

15:46

deadline

15:46

the certain way six thousand times

15:49

and then think that if you like walk into new

15:51

gym

15:52

nobody's gonna do that dad left at a totally different

15:54

way all the fun just because that's circumstance

15:56

different it's like i learned a pattern in your muscles

15:59

and them you know the more

15:59

we're learning about that

16:00

the body connection if the learn pattern in your

16:02

brain

16:03

like your brain controls your nervous system can charles

16:05

your muscles control like how much weight you put on the

16:07

inside corner of your left quite when you're doing

16:09

the squat like all

16:10

that is wired into your brain

16:13

and so you can like shit

16:15

on your

16:15

all way down here go away

16:17

mme like okay now the magic

16:20

i walked into the new ways and now my

16:22

brain will tommy thompson and thought like

16:24

that's not how that works so you

16:26

get if you get like a rush of excitement

16:29

when you first hit his whatever the thing

16:31

as right it could be like him out you on a bench pressing

16:33

the though yeah you're lifting all i could

16:35

be the weight loss it could be that

16:37

the time on your mind like whatever it is you'll

16:39

get a rush of excitement because your brain as

16:41

a are we finally got some place where we me happy

16:43

a nice results for we're finally get a feel

16:46

good

16:47

if you have been means yourself all the way

16:49

and you been trying to motivate yourself with self criticism

16:51

and negative self taught that she is

16:53

gonna kick way back in like that so you train

16:56

your brain to do

16:57

yeah i mean we you know we'd have to

16:59

our lady so much about that because you're trying to warn

17:01

them before they get there because we're like you're

17:04

going to get to this place and realize it is not

17:06

what you made it out to be in your mind if

17:08

you're road there is all of these like

17:10

backwards way of like shaming

17:13

and yourself towards confidence

17:15

you know you're going to get to that like quote

17:17

unquote galway and you're

17:19

going to realize that competence wasn't waiting for you

17:21

there right yeah yeah

17:23

within waiting in this body anywhere

17:26

except their own dream and you have to create

17:28

it like it's not even waiting even waiting brain in

17:30

your brain you at least have the ingredients

17:33

i usually like make

17:34

a be if you work on

17:35

you cannot to buy

17:37

it's not like an omelet you can't get one of the stories

17:39

that have a good at home

17:40

perfect

17:42

i greens are next question of like there's and

17:44

multiple studies at the confidence cap space

17:47

going steady so men consistently or

17:49

as me their abilities and performance well women

17:51

consistently underestimates in

17:53

both of these areas despite their performance

17:56

not different lake in quality

17:58

so we're me the buyer

18:00

display is a socialization and

18:02

kind of like how can we unpack

18:04

ourselves yeah i think

18:06

worse worse socialize or we talk about

18:09

wiring like we have to think about what that means

18:11

i think the people who knew that they'll say like

18:13

hardwired meaning like you came out of the womb

18:15

like that right like your be that blue eyes

18:17

and brown hair and insecurity

18:20

actually like

18:21

or socialization wires

18:24

off not in a way that has to be permanent but

18:26

like if you're brave we've all heard

18:28

i think at this point like neurons fire together

18:31

wire together it's just like us for years

18:33

of teaching of way right as i can dissing your body

18:35

do a certain movement a certain way like

18:37

when this com that's that's gotta go back or

18:39

when i injected this muscle i gotta really

18:41

one is wired together

18:43

to like the things go together and so

18:46

all that socialization

18:47

we're not aware of it does kind of wire

18:50

our brains i don't think it's hard wired

18:52

and that way that if we can change at rates this

18:54

is like the fancy word for this is neuroplasticity

18:57

was just means your brain's

18:59

ability to

18:59

yeah you're right time it's like

19:01

it's crazy people used to think not that one

19:03

the guy like you know a few decades ago that sort

19:06

of basically

19:07

once your brain developed as a child like our

19:09

that it couldn't change anymore which makes

19:11

no sense when you think about

19:12

the people learn new things for their whole life

19:14

was transmitted street like okay

19:17

the about like

19:19

them different system or something or

19:22

something that's kind of the good news is like know

19:23

or how long you have been

19:25

thinking in a certain way you can always

19:27

he did i mean i am woman in the

19:30

clutches my clutches my me my

19:32

from the thirties me the who are like seventy

19:34

and fine for work and i like okay

19:36

like

19:37

i want to change that now i'm in a really

19:39

is never too late but it is a process

19:41

like when you think about how many

19:44

times is like if you bad body image

19:46

the you think about like

19:48

how many times have you had the thought

19:51

about like how your some it looks bad like

19:54

i mean you probably think fifteen times a day

19:56

and how long hours and per day

19:58

right

19:59

you do

20:02

anything

20:02

in a year and even doing it for twenty years the like

20:05

it'll , a minute you know like i'm always getting

20:07

my students i like will get to the down there be like

20:09

i just don't believe that now and i'm like yeah

20:12

you just heard it twenty seconds ago and

20:14

you but the he was other thoughts six million times

20:16

the like we're gonna need to practice the

20:18

good news i think like them the part

20:21

that is like part miracle is like don't have

20:23

to think

20:23

it many times as the also afraid to

20:25

start to feel more trip like you don't have the match

20:27

at one for one last

20:34

, as you've been doing an exercise

20:36

wrong for twenty years your form

20:38

been wrong if you figure out a threat

20:41

to be don't have to live

20:41

they do one for one of all the ways you did

20:44

it with iran form before like

20:46

you don't have to do it enough and consistently enough

20:48

until like your dinner all map your brain

20:50

maps and of updates and of like oh

20:53

this is what we're doing now okay this is

20:55

now the easier thing to think

20:57

this is the form of now

20:58

automatic like i've now learned it enough

21:01

that i will just do it by default so you

21:03

have to have you literally have to practice thinking

21:05

different thoughts and listen i'm

21:08

this microwave have some some some go there

21:10

the way like a bigger

21:12

they people make especially

21:14

as they are

21:14

part of any kind of like inspirational community

21:17

i think like coaching people

21:19

fitness be a buddy who likes to be inspired

21:21

heard is that they're trying to

21:23

believe new thoughts that are too far

21:25

from what they currently believe

21:27

there like you see some like contrast

21:29

graphic that like every

21:31

, is an amazing opportunity to

21:34

love myself holy and you're like what

21:36

i want to think and feel birds

21:38

now you have sixty five start

21:41

today they become what a terrible person you

21:43

are set to make it's

21:45

too big that's why we don't go from like trying

21:47

i'm trying to like left to

21:49

to trying to like that by four hundred like

21:51

we know that you don't go

21:53

from like from like never want to i'm

21:55

in a run a marathon you got have any was you doing

21:58

that a practice you don't get up and then

21:59

terrific now so you gotta

22:02

like a really picky thought that are

22:04

and of

22:05

the because i call them like neutral stocks

22:07

for like we'll start a little sad

22:10

like my stomach is disgusting

22:12

okay less suspected thinking this is a human

22:14

stomach

22:15

or like even if i like my stomach today

22:18

a worthy of respect or whatever

22:20

it's like we're

22:21

like well bad practice

22:23

a little thought that a little bit as

22:25

a could feel a little good or just

22:27

as they feel ten percent less bad than get

22:29

enough to like start to rewire the brain

22:32

i think that it's it's really

22:35

it's , hard first of all when

22:37

you see kind of the life

22:39

you want to be living and you say like

22:42

okay let's see that yeah i let's see that right

22:44

now bringing would hit on yeah tomorrow

22:47

and we got and it's like it's it's really

22:49

hard news i think to hear that

22:51

like it's gonna take some time i think that that

22:53

is number one thing that people do not want to hear

22:56

the do not one here can take some time they do not one

22:58

here can take a lot of practice i

23:00

it's it is also a really hope

23:03

fall idea that lake

23:06

you know all of this that has been going

23:08

on for all of these years it

23:11

doesn't have to turn around in one day

23:13

that so much pressure you

23:15

know and like do if it all started

23:17

on c from

23:20

exposure

23:20

exactly and not like is

23:23

a totally paralyzing saw of

23:25

life will how can i go from cool and

23:27

now i literally heat myself

23:30

to like the person who weeks of loving themselves

23:32

everyday i don't see that happening some

23:34

does not even gonna start and

23:36

, think that it's a really hopeful thought that

23:38

we can just like he like ten percent

23:41

not in terror has terrible his

23:43

progress in there as i think the with on

23:45

a i think with the whole recently

23:48

the something to change right away

23:50

the that

23:51

we want what i call like an exit ramp

23:53

also human experience like the

23:55

human experience is that sometimes you feel great

23:57

and the most you feel terrible and sometimes

23:59

israel the medium beautiful and sometimes it feels

24:02

awful and like that is just a mixed

24:04

bag being a human

24:06

we all want to fuck off

24:08

that were like all and where

24:10

do i can be

24:11

yeah and we are

24:14

like where do i get off

24:16

and so when we're in a hurry

24:18

to get someplace to like hit a fitness

24:21

goal to change our body to

24:23

make money to change ourself talk

24:25

even whatever it is more in a rush

24:27

as because we subconsciously thing

24:29

when i get there

24:31

i'm going to be off the exit grade that the exit that's

24:34

how i feel so i always tell people when

24:35

like gripping a goal too tightly

24:37

i'm like i just want you to imagine you have your

24:39

ideal body whatever death rate is your ideal

24:42

body you hit that you may

24:44

be olympics like whatever it is and

24:47

you're in olympic village

24:48

and you're still crabby

24:50

are you like still in a bad mood

24:52

are you still woke up in yeah

24:53

would you feel a mare that dex the next day you're going

24:55

to civil rights and but like whatever it is

24:58

you're trying to get to

24:59

that rush

25:00

because you think of any better there than here

25:03

mit yes i do think life can be

25:05

better find the you on this work i think

25:07

we can be like more empowered we can be happier

25:10

we can create things i blew our minds that we

25:12

didn't know he could

25:13

like anybody who's is super into

25:15

fitness also the

25:16

that that's all great end

25:19

you will still be a human

25:20

it's still going to be like

25:22

we can build our resilience so that it's just a bumpy

25:25

ride as opposed to like it out of control roller coaster

25:27

but the rush comes from the

25:29

fantasy that way to like completely

25:31

get off the right entirely to send just feel

25:33

amazing all the time

25:35

yeah i mean i saw

25:37

i don't know you're the expert and on of this is right

25:39

around that something that i keep reminding myself

25:42

and all of these moments is that they're always

25:44

temporary we're filming something yesterday

25:46

and i was like just having a day or

25:48

i just did not like my face and as

25:51

not going on forever hate it and never

25:53

want me and camera again it's like isis

25:55

into the garage only with i was like i

25:58

don't wanna see my face

25:59

than second rarely done so over

26:02

there and as many the

26:04

, say this whole thing

26:06

i want to see it like since op showing it

26:08

to me with whatever your coronation took

26:10

me out but

26:12

for me as something that something something i i

26:15

i found helpful to kind of keep

26:17

getting back off as being like this

26:19

is temporary don't feel like this

26:21

forever tomorrow would you come

26:23

in and i'll be like someone take a picture

26:26

of me i am super

26:30

helpful to i think there's also like practice

26:32

like

26:33

synthetic impact of when you

26:34

in that space in baghdad am like that

26:36

kimbrough i mean that's what

26:38

meditation teaches you a the it's like know

26:40

thought are feeling as permit it's

26:42

going to come and go and that's true

26:44

but the happy ones to you know it's like i think

26:46

sometimes of america especially where we're very

26:48

like positive an optimistic we try

26:50

to like

26:51

like well as usual t

26:53

from like meditative im negative

26:56

feelings come and go by a happy one can

26:58

always be area blinking now they

27:00

all have our , adolescent

27:08

come and go like know one

27:10

minute you're going to love your partner and they'll be like

27:12

filled with happiness you can't leave your the luckiest person

27:14

the world and five nuclear like if

27:16

you don't subduing like that i'm sending my

27:19

bare hands

27:20

are you

27:21

right and i'm and as

27:23

do you want them again later that it

27:25

so i one hundred percent think that's so important

27:27

like none of this is permanence

27:30

raid none of it is the good or bad

27:33

it is just like a site doing good

27:35

and bad and good and bad forever until you die

27:37

and willing to

27:40

accept that like there was like

27:42

okay don't want to

27:43

that bad and good and bad like

27:44

meeting my first call bligh my own mind about what's

27:46

possible making a million dollars loving myself

27:49

whenever a like it takes all the pressure

27:51

off the goal and you can really enjoy

27:53

the goal for what it is which is just a chance

27:55

to

27:56

your believes well it's possible for you and

27:58

grow and evolve the my what do something

28:01

while we're here are feeling good and bad and good and bad and good and bad

28:04

for the rest of our lives we might as well also

28:06

they'll have impact

28:07

sure as me and were here anyway

28:11

i anyways i wanted the what i can do

28:14

it while i'm here i'm in love

28:16

i love and i do really loved

28:18

the idea of just teaching men's hazaras

28:20

of

28:20

even just like your life like take the

28:23

pressure off of the and realize sky

28:25

just i think okay

28:27

so a lawnmower time lawnmower had

28:29

talked had little bit about his era

28:32

as you mentioned in the beginning barrister and characteristics

28:35

that women tend to displays that the people pleasing

28:38

the other one that i really want isis hit on

28:40

for a second was perfectionism

28:42

speak highs it's i don't

28:44

know if it's the kind of women that we

28:46

could airgroup it's there seems to

28:48

be a real or is it this is where society

28:51

is that right now but like

28:53

oh my god people

28:55

are just struggling so bad

28:58

with women and specific with the fact that

29:00

they are not perfect and i remember

29:03

i had read this study this it a long time

29:05

ago it was acting was acting h p

29:07

are some computer company was

29:09

doing on with studying their

29:11

promotions systems and who

29:14

applied for applied promotion

29:16

he has nice that it it by by generous

29:19

and man would apply for promotion when

29:21

they met about sixty percent i think

29:23

of that

29:24

your mood our the different studies it's like forty

29:26

to sixty percent of the you known as soon as

29:28

we saw when they need forty to sixty percent of

29:30

the christ

29:31

syria and women will cry for a job

29:33

me ninety to one hundred percent of the criteria

29:35

now i was

29:38

coming and this is a job application

29:40

for like the head of

29:42

gm and you know enable

29:45

them both i mean cosa

29:47

nostra yeah i would be like

29:49

i have all the required provocations

29:52

they only have half of the nice

29:54

or bonus one so i'm not apply

29:56

so it didn't surprise

29:58

me at what age

29:59

you know that being said surprise

30:02

you in the way that just meet you

30:04

so angry and me remind you to be able

30:06

to that spezza having to me

30:08

when i read about that now is just late

30:11

it is so much

30:13

of the mentality of i'm gonna wait

30:15

and hell

30:16

that are dot i think that women are try

30:19

manner

30:20

that go out and get what you want make it happen women

30:22

are taught be he'd and someone will reward

30:25

you

30:25

i like where or

30:30

when i get angry this episode i'm

30:34

an any agreement me and i'm sure

30:36

but i'm going to try my best

30:40

wanted of like guess that name of i'm in

30:42

the station of don't like it was and live

30:44

podcast moment the

30:46

wagon that re like

30:48

and so

30:49

of course they're not gonna like women are much

30:51

more likely to like we'd for someone like recognize

30:54

them reward them from oh damn

30:57

right and not go after it and so

30:59

am i guess is a place or it's important to say there's

31:01

both race there's internal myself

31:04

and

31:04

sure about that though there's also said he showing

31:06

women are sometimes penalized when they

31:08

do

31:09

you've got to themselves or after raises are asked

31:11

promotions etc

31:13

we can't have one committee to stop

31:15

there like okay there's some more classes

31:17

were that happen

31:19

there are all the more places without one

31:20

the happen and we all depend

31:22

of the change

31:23

the use of like making this so common

31:25

and normalize that women can't be punished

31:27

for it

31:27

like we can't to throw take

31:30

well

31:30

there is discrimination the i had

31:32

world and make that mean that words of can they give

31:35

up that

31:36

it so and i think that perfectionism

31:38

is yeah i think in for

31:40

sure coaching communities disproportionately for

31:42

exercise i knew numbers are super

31:44

to point out there enjoy email i don't

31:49

, what they're doing dream and minus

31:51

out and sign great about it

31:53

i think that like i see

31:55

women are more likely to be

31:57

perfectionist because women are the ones who are taught

32:00

they're worth and value are

32:02

contingent

32:02

like it brought in here and it's what

32:04

other people think of you

32:06

so you know humans have like a very

32:08

intense

32:09

the desire to belong there's

32:12

like evolutionary biology reasons there's

32:14

whatever and

32:16

if you tell someone there sept in the pan

32:18

new york that it by york's people

32:21

whoever they are depends on

32:24

how good you are and how good you act

32:26

like you're you don't have an inherent worth of value

32:29

it depends a lot of people think of you

32:31

that the recipe for perfection somehow i'll

32:33

see you down

32:34

are you gonna end up with a bunch perfectionist

32:36

because how can you belong

32:38

yeah but it also i mean

32:40

that for sector fascism can become that's

32:42

like that's what people want to be their exit ramp because i'm

32:44

finally just if i do all these things politically

32:47

that i'll finally so good about myself right

32:49

and like that somehow worse because your

32:51

brain can always find some shit you're not doing

32:53

well all the suddenly that like you could you everything you monsieur

32:56

been on be like you should really be

32:58

ukulele player though

32:59

like have replayed ukulele argued

33:01

over you're bad at it like

33:03

you that you have to think about your brain

33:05

like it just runs whatever program you've

33:07

given us

33:09

we actually

33:09

you're making rational negotiated deals

33:11

with our brain like our brain as a like rational

33:14

actor we can negotiate with where your our

33:16

brain

33:16

you did you as my the and i'll give

33:19

you the feel good and we're like okay i

33:21

did i say be like where the feel good and

33:23

nearby and like

33:24

i have no idea of them in that deal with you i dunno

33:26

i didn't have anything to do with that you haven't done it yet let

33:28

me it's like no you can't like

33:30

don't negotiate with terrorists like that's what

33:32

your that's not what's happening

33:34

or brings [unk]

33:35

this running a program so what you

33:36

the brain as if i am i happy

33:39

is mostly because i'm not good

33:40

enough so i gotta get fatter to get happy your

33:42

brain will run that program

33:44

all but

33:46

because it's normal likely to send being

33:48

a human mean some days you wake up and hits your face

33:50

or whatever your brain well just keep running the

33:52

program all the time oh you had an emotion

33:54

you have negative feelings must because you weren't good enough

33:57

here they that be better

33:59

your brain

33:59

it like evaluating the avatar then

34:02

giving you useful feedback it is just running

34:04

whatever program you tata and so

34:07

you can't perfectionist your way

34:09

indifferent go by yourself enough to teens really

34:11

think about

34:12

yeah

34:13

that's really interesting do you have any thoughts

34:15

on how like any actionable steps

34:17

on how we my like site these

34:19

tendencies the i don't try to

34:21

fight them because math language when

34:24

i'm we think about like school we try to

34:26

do is right okay i'm not gonna think the best

34:28

i'm like you know your

34:30

brain is not a carry out that instruction

34:32

especially because it's a calling someone

34:34

calling calm down know that all

34:36

grown oh i didn't think of that logically

34:40

if you tell your brain not to think

34:42

a thought in order to check

34:44

if you're do it is irena the think the thought

34:46

in order to see if you're thinking it or not to you

34:48

if you have to think there's no that doesn't work

34:50

so it's not as

34:52

the wade it's redirect

34:54

the author when we get we get into this like some

34:57

people discover thought worker changing their brain

34:59

and then they just get very like oh my god i

35:01

just started coming later tonight are perfectionists

35:03

exercise was like again you're human

35:06

who can have negative thought them time i

35:08

still have self critical thought them time it's

35:10

okay it's the nigger we're

35:12

not gonna like face them resist them and try to

35:14

like and

35:15

our damn

35:16

in a redirect

35:18

if i give your up if your toddlers

35:20

screaming i literally was just

35:22

gonna say i

35:25

have to an rdf to a situation

35:29

my grandpa how we deal with that other

35:32

screaming screaming grocery store and you

35:34

start screaming and throwing things and trying to sell

35:36

them like the tsunami good

35:37

there isn't any better

35:38

you acted as redirect so i

35:41

have an episode on my podcast

35:42

cobb up my progress is unfair

35:44

in an episode is the thought ladder and

35:47

so

35:47

that like walks you through this is kind

35:49

of process of like how can you find

35:51

a new thought you can believe

35:53

they're like practice that all the time so

35:56

like that's what it is that needs he got a redirect

35:59

a new thought like

35:59

that neural circuit you can

36:02

the be like no no no no no not like

36:04

it

36:04

that's a pet like if if you think about it like a car

36:07

that's driving is is only one path

36:09

the car has to go down the one path like

36:11

the car supposed to go you can't stop

36:13

the car in real life you can stop the car and not i

36:15

doubt amount

36:16

well with your brain cards got

36:18

to go somewhere

36:19

it it only one has that's where it's going

36:21

doesn't matter much you yell know you

36:24

can create a new path

36:25

redirect the car down the new path over

36:27

an armor and then eventually the old one

36:29

gets like grown over with vines and leaves

36:32

and sickest and then the new one is nice and smooth

36:34

and clear that's where your brain goes i want

36:36

that you said a believable thought too because

36:38

i think that that's where a lot of people guess

36:40

like the try to go the opposite way like

36:43

as they hate the face and this article snow on

36:45

the most beautiful thing on earth like

36:48

they have bow we do

36:50

anything yeah

36:52

yeah your brain is just jamming brains

36:54

do not like to do thing

36:56

the from pay off though is very hard to convince

36:58

i mean maybe

36:59

there are people who are able to able to just repeat

37:02

really racial affirmations

37:04

over and over from sheer discipline until

37:06

they

37:06

remember wag i'm not that person

37:09

so finding that

37:11

that you can really believe which is like

37:13

something very neutral on sexual

37:15

or like even just i mean a really powerful

37:17

one off and that works for ever

37:19

the intercept it's possible my brands

37:21

wrong about this like

37:22

the powerful my brain is wrong about my face

37:24

it's possible i give you a suit

37:27

your brain isn't wrong about before move

37:29

along less sure

37:31

it's not rely story now as

37:35

, it is no idea

37:37

what you're talking about it's always been reliable

37:39

it's always told you the truth years

37:41

you say your brain is just total

37:43

martha yeah it's

37:45

, like yeah fighting all the time it's is

37:48

that because i think sometimes that makes people like that

37:50

an an adversarial relationship with every which

37:52

isn't helpful either it's like your minds was

37:54

trying to do what a brain trying to

37:57

do this thing

37:57

whatever millions of years

37:59

better by some lose one all

38:02

the parts are really work together race

38:05

no input on me like a jello sack

38:07

of electricity going through it

38:08

not only going to come up with the best

38:10

thing also used for two hours

38:12

last night the

38:15

new i guess it off and let's

38:17

make good decisions and you might say

38:20

million quickly and

38:22

like me the truth about everything about everything world you

38:25

be like i don't even

38:26

i don't even know where my nose their late on

38:29

tuesday

38:30

no so your

38:31

like getting into the habit of

38:33

just being

38:34

that is taking your brains

38:36

advocates reporting the whether it's

38:38

like hey it's me sixty two degrees

38:41

you're damn in your face is ugly

38:43

a telling

38:45

you the truth that without

38:48

it's not just reporting the were like

38:50

the other optional thought you're having that

38:52

you can learn to change suggest

38:54

getting that practice been like the

38:56

great had a lot of nonsense today like

38:58

let you know ten minutes ago

39:00

as pretty sure that traffic jam with going to ruin

39:02

my life forever but now i've

39:05

totally forgotten about it so it's almost like my

39:07

brain wasn't right

39:08

about that like looking for the places

39:10

your brain is wrong it's a fake it

39:12

gives you that exacting or time i'll just be like com

39:15

the know this and there will always

39:17

happen like

39:18

coffee gap it's warning or something very

39:20

uncharacteristic for me

39:22

if i didn't like i've done this a nutshell

39:24

i was like okay this is interesting he my brain

39:26

wanting to like i want to like i recently

39:28

retired outside

39:29

different people about it and get different don't want

39:31

i'm like freaking out an island or the math and

39:33

he was like about taxes and then i was

39:35

like it's possible that feeling

39:37

now does not actually mean that something has

39:40

gone wrong with that i actually have a problem

39:42

i'm like no two hours later and i'm like scientists

39:45

plenty of money it led you to coach

39:47

myself

39:47

those are therefore should look

39:50

like letting it run through without

39:52

like reacting to it and getting all agitated

39:54

as

39:55

you're wanted an hour you know

39:59

right now the yomiuri

40:05

urgency is always a season

40:07

not act on it if you are like urgently

40:09

trying to take action that's

40:11

when you're like trying to get away from feeling

40:13

the minimum wage slowdown

40:15

nasa great point however

40:17

me but impact

40:20

singer as well you are so

40:22

when you feel like you gotta is night

40:25

while you're trying out of a feeling that the time like

40:27

for down

40:28

yeah

40:29

do you want to talk about the pandemic for

40:32

a minute to an impact this is hard

40:34

on the women's movement i know where saw

40:36

in the midst of a lot of and it's it's

40:38

is undeniable that side

40:40

effects on women's professional past

40:42

self confidence and overall mental health skinny

40:45

speech to this and like how we might

40:47

come back from this

40:48

yeah i think this is approved exam

40:50

out there's actual an internal

40:52

stuff and like both are important rates we obviously

40:54

have an external social problem of women's

40:57

work not being valued as much women pay

40:59

disparity is women being the primary caretakers

41:01

off and it's and so you ended up with this kind

41:03

of social structural problem of

41:05

a lot of women have any quit their jobs to like stay

41:07

home and home school their kids during the pandemic

41:09

when the schools are closed and like there's a lot

41:12

of social structure stuff that goes into that like

41:14

we don't have enough government or corporate support

41:16

for working families we don't there's like

41:18

the social expectation that if somebody's gonna quit their

41:20

job is going to be the woman

41:23

whatever the public policy

41:24

what around the pandemic that created as like

41:26

there's a lot of external stuff which again

41:28

like

41:28

we should i be working on and also

41:31

we can solve the next thirteen

41:33

right that's an hour long ongoing

41:35

problem right

41:36

the internal side though

41:38

think that understanding how your

41:40

brain works made it a lot easier

41:43

to weather

41:44

turn on mans because one

41:47

of the things you start to see is that

41:49

your brain it's just like what

41:51

something amazing happened you have a seat do have

41:53

that like of suit of philly great for met in

41:55

your brain go back to normal thing the

41:57

same thing happens with something scarier

41:59

it happens there is like an initial panic

42:02

but also than your brain just kind of

42:04

apply whatever the normal programs are

42:06

to that situation

42:08

right the people who never had any health

42:10

anxiety

42:11

the for were knocked out worried about

42:13

kobe rightly or wrongly

42:14

people that a lot of health anxiety before

42:17

there are very worried people who had a lot of money

42:19

anxiety before very

42:21

worried about money and because the pennetta people who

42:24

didn't since none of this

42:26

is about like what was m c that objectively true

42:28

or not it's just that you change your

42:30

mind to think a certain way so if we take it into a

42:32

new gym

42:33

the quite the body of an imac magically total

42:35

change take the brain into brain new situation

42:38

new situation of at his

42:39

the kind of your normal thought patterns but that

42:41

makes it so much easier to nelson of by your

42:43

brain i know story

42:46

that everything is now an emergency you

42:48

have to panic

42:49

if you're panics for three years straight the you need

42:51

to freedom

42:51

the night

42:52

our brain responds especially to life or

42:54

death threats is just a lot

42:56

of anxiety that supposed to

42:58

motivate us to run away but when you're dealing with

43:01

a pandemic that is not really

43:03

what you're gonna do you care for like a speeding

43:05

car where i like you're fast reflexes make you jump out

43:07

of the way this is like a chronic ongoing

43:10

thrive and risk issue that people have to

43:12

manage that you more need your prefrontal

43:15

cortex to make decisions not your

43:17

like japan the way the fast moving things

43:19

which reflexes right

43:21

and so i think

43:23

having that of abilities like the

43:26

old and manager

43:27

rain not be reactive be able

43:29

to like allow your emotions to flow

43:31

rate be able to sort of shoes or to

43:33

leave on purpose is really what gets people

43:35

through

43:36

the heart of times like this is why i think it so

43:39

it is a sewing misguided and misunderstanding

43:41

when people think that

43:43

jose are like management

43:45

or mindset suffer whatever is like

43:47

a luxury

43:48

hey i might is like you when

43:50

she saw going well and good and everything's easy

43:53

like that's not when that's what one a luxury

43:55

item and like a car that's fancier

43:57

than you

43:57

like you don't need my at work

43:59

and

43:59

important when everything's going great although

44:02

it's still is because you saw the human brain he

44:04

might like when it really is clutch is

44:06

when everything of falling apart

44:08

and like that are you

44:09

develop emotional resilience

44:11

the whatever is happening around you pat and soda

44:14

and i'm not sure what we know in the packers is coming

44:16

out yeah missile can now

44:18

it's the in may the second

44:20

weakening so i think that

44:22

a lot of people are feeling extremely bright

44:24

out now and

44:26

we can't change the whole world but you can change your

44:28

yeah

44:28

the ancient our first time doing his thing

44:31

right now how that twenty twenty two or

44:33

an outbreak

44:33

which is like all about how do you

44:36

change the way of thinking and reacting to the

44:38

world's that you can the van

44:40

and he'll burn out create more energy

44:42

even when the world

44:43

have not cooperate

44:45

that is very timely and i

44:47

feel like that no weight of

44:50

the last couple years has they're not

44:52

really happy for a lot of people and then coming

44:55

out of that and just being like say you're

44:57

fine now like just the everything's

44:59

cool it uses feel burned out like go

45:01

into the things that you like in this

45:03

world is just like the most unrealistic

45:06

expectations that i have

45:08

ever heard and

45:10

, hear a lot of as women who are just like

45:12

talking to themselves in that way

45:14

i like i don't know why i haven't been able

45:16

to bounce back i don't know why i feel so

45:19

tired all the time and really it's that

45:21

internal blame of like it must just

45:23

be me me my

45:26

assumption of running a challenge like this is it's

45:28

not as you guys it's not as you

45:30

and also part of the problem is like women

45:33

it is that social the summer women are taught

45:35

and trained to like to everything for everybody

45:37

else to feel guilty about ever taken time for

45:39

themselves to feel guilty about ever putting

45:42

money about ever especially they have kids

45:44

or a family and so like all

45:46

of that right

45:47

there's a part of it that is just sort of like learning

45:49

how to wrangle

45:50

the human evolves breaking through that

45:53

wants to freak out all the time and like learning

45:55

how to make our rolex after

45:57

into more of like

45:59

true

45:59

right in a theme park just like a little

46:01

the and then part of it is also

46:04

seeing the ways in which like a lot

46:06

of women do know and they're getting burnt

46:08

out and they do know what might help

46:10

but they also able to do

46:12

it because they don't feel comfortable

46:14

like a entire themselves

46:16

are saying no to that thing or like

46:18

letting their kids

46:19

watch tv for the born a even though

46:21

it's not the most enriching activity in the world

46:24

because like they just really need a break like

46:26

there's a lot of guilt and shame because

46:28

we and we have you talked about this for like who

46:31

summer socialization around athena perfect mother

46:33

and like been fully subservience your child

46:35

and

46:35

all bad so

46:38

my goal of the challenge

46:39

like it or other things like a teach people

46:41

the to they can use that

46:43

both of those problem like

46:45

having your brain to stack control and creating a lot

46:48

of stress and even

46:50

if i teach this is why you have to bring this land then

46:52

i can teach you what to do com

46:54

your brain down to be set your nervous system

46:56

ball blah but if you're next

46:58

there i can't do that because i need

47:00

my you know i have to make

47:02

happy for the whole class tomorrow like

47:04

i have to do this other things with other person i'm not allowed

47:06

to do that they doesn't matter

47:08

the teacher right we have to adjust both

47:10

parts

47:11

so weird when like

47:14

that are now and guess maybe this is me problems

47:16

that sometimes all road seems lead

47:18

to guilt and shame as and like

47:20

read em

47:24

whichever direction you go you end up and shame

47:26

i played i

47:28

know that we heard a lot of this from

47:31

you know the fitness community of like front

47:33

women specifically when they were

47:36

taking on all of these jobs of teacher

47:38

and you know that this read this

47:41

ridiculous amount of load obviously

47:44

they're fitness was falling by the wayside

47:46

and

47:47

what like so many people saturday in i got

47:49

my covert fifteen or whatever as i get

47:51

everybody's calling s and it was like

47:53

what how i felt it was

47:56

it was like every road lead to shame because

47:58

this i went to work out and i'm a

48:00

t v than that then i'm shame because

48:02

i'm a bad months and if i didn't

48:04

to then i'm going to you know turn

48:07

around and go wow what has happened

48:09

to my physical appearance and that

48:12

is a shameful thing in it's own

48:14

right and it's just like he just felt

48:16

like i still feel like sometimes

48:19

sexism leads to burn out i mean that's

48:21

what that's is rates for activism for activism i'm

48:23

somehow the toast do you are home

48:25

grown in rushing activity for my child while also

48:28

working out and maintaining this exact figure while

48:30

also against the system our do it all

48:32

one

48:33

it be like if your brain disease you options

48:35

and both of them are your terrible

48:37

the wrong like that

48:39

the math is not add up right and that

48:41

is that like called a sack of shame exactly that's

48:43

what creates by now i mean that's what

48:45

so the doctor bike burnout

48:47

is created by to a constant

48:49

mental rumination about how you are doing

48:51

it wrong not doing enough said

48:54

the same no matter what to do

48:55

the and that has nothing to do the pandemic

48:58

because i'm encouraging women for years

49:00

on when i'm at work i feel bad as

49:02

we have my kids on i'm with my kids i feel bad that i should

49:04

be working right like that had nothing to

49:06

do it was happening in the outside world

49:08

you're so right and when you said by the things

49:10

that were already there just team

49:13

figure during the pandemic they just bubbled

49:15

to the surface but they were already there if

49:17

you had health concerns they were you know any me ages

49:19

enhance their in a a totally i

49:21

totally hear that you talk about

49:24

the term authentic confidence and

49:26

living with authentic confidence and fertilizers

49:28

love that term he ,

49:30

i was just wanting you

49:33

to take a minute and just have to talk

49:35

about what this means in your mission

49:37

mission honestly maybe

49:40

try to convince every

49:42

person that this is a possibility

49:44

speakers honestly i really think

49:46

that there are people stay specifically

49:49

women status your that phrase

49:51

and are lakes that sounds great

49:53

but that's never gonna have

49:54

yeah

49:55

so when i say authentic confidence

49:57

when i mean is not seeking it so you may

49:59

it

50:00

right now it's like true confidence a concern

50:03

with in is not based on

50:05

everybody always [unk] green with you everybody always like

50:07

in new

50:08

right everybody always think you look guy and

50:10

everybody be approving of you

50:12

that have confidence really has been

50:15

because confidence the wanted that the root of confidence

50:17

is actually just south except right

50:20

like

50:21

i'm okay the way i am i'm

50:23

allowed to exist even

50:25

if some people don't agree

50:27

with halle

50:28

we but it is really have a basement like a lot of

50:30

women feel like they're basically not

50:32

allowed to exist if other people

50:35

damn i don't like what they're doing or don't

50:37

think they're attractive or don't think they did a good job

50:39

when he or means them in

50:41

third grade at my so be thinking about that like

50:43

if anybody in the world has a negative opinion

50:45

of them decision about happens

50:48

though is that it's like we think we can't it's like

50:50

a circle another called another fact we

50:52

think we can have confidence the

50:54

confidence is beta

50:55

actually being like good or pretty or smarter

50:57

whenever it's like some objective thing and

51:00

if we don't have that and how could we be cancer

51:03

the true that is that common says

51:05

really nothing to do with any kind of objectivity

51:08

it's just a thought pattern is just

51:10

a way of thinking about yourself so like i

51:12

can be concerned about my words and

51:15

so can cindy crawford even now

51:17

society is very different beliefs about our

51:19

bodies and which one of us has more track ray

51:21

like it's not easy will surely be

51:23

fun external thing them like only the

51:25

person who was the best at his thing in the world

51:27

would be allowed to feel confident up on how

51:30

it works they it's

51:32

just a thought pattern and the truth is like

51:34

my women will often be like wow i can't just

51:36

i mean

51:37

that may be confident even as

51:40

i don't think it's true like what i'm

51:42

just to become you know like as an arrogant

51:44

narcissism like first of all if you're

51:46

even thinking about

51:47

that that know what's gonna happen who

51:49

do all that like a personality disorder

51:52

it is not something that you give to yourself by

51:54

confident thoughts

51:56

third man i love my

51:58

i always further than like what

51:59

recreating in our life people could have completely

52:02

said to me that it was completely delusional to

52:04

think that i could love my by i know people can see

52:06

mean a cell if there was a twisted that's

52:08

that's i live in like that body

52:10

in this world and p and i

52:12

quit being a running a think tank to come

52:14

a life coach

52:15

people have said would like twenty

52:18

the seeming shoes on their side that

52:20

like you be at how could i possibly can

52:22

from a high love to see how they become since i

52:24

was gonna run a business like dollars net a

52:26

crazy thing to do oh and

52:28

now i ran a seven figure business like

52:31

no reason to think that i can be able to do

52:32

that and are blaming wouldn't thought

52:34

that it can seem to crazy i agree

52:37

but like you can

52:38

you didn't like it

52:40

subjective you in

52:42

your brain going through lies and

52:44

like no one is going to issue a ruling on

52:47

whether you are truly allowed to do confidence

52:49

or a truly good enough and twelve

52:51

people

52:52

the different opinion

52:53

why do you just go to decide you want to go

52:55

through nice thinking your piece of shit or do you want to go through

52:57

life like how

52:59

in your friendship with yourself

53:00

are you actually think that you are worthwhile

53:02

make no one can tell you either

53:05

way

53:05

you might as well just decide they

53:08

always gets me in my feels because the

53:10

most thing i hear from women is like i wish

53:13

i had confidence i'm always stop it's

53:15

not going to come, it's not that serious don't

53:17

come knocking your door come in and it's

53:19

really all about what you how you're

53:21

going to decide to go through your life and that doesn't

53:23

mean it changes in a day know, we talked

53:25

entire episode about making those small changes

53:28

and how its work and it

53:30

just starts with, you ten percent

53:32

but it's worth it and

53:35

it's a decision that really starts with

53:37

you i are like to that there was going

53:39

to be nobody at the end said

53:43

you're always i need

53:45

to know what you're not going to get into heaven and they're going to be like

53:47

good job never letting her with kid

53:50

tv

53:53

the know

53:54

recall i get certified letter from the universe

53:56

you doing a certified letter from the universe hangover

53:59

we did are right around

53:59

that women want one because

54:01

those right to dot ourselves to not yourself

54:03

as an authority to believe that other people

54:05

need to validate

54:06

and when it comes to coincidence like

54:08

you also like europe people and

54:10

boy to my five six year according to me

54:13

you know i've written in finance visa

54:15

your brains evaluation of how you'd

54:18

cortical truly are

54:20

agreed that your brain was full

54:22

of bullshit like

54:24

your brain is now

54:26

there is a spit out confidence like it's

54:28

your brain told you that because you burn

54:30

the toast you are us

54:31

the you're otherwise like stream

54:34

are incredibly dramatic they're basically

54:36

slinging

54:37

the under victorian fainting couch is all

54:39

hi i'm

54:41

and why don't we do not let me do you

54:43

do who is

54:45

t saw that as like the gospel

54:47

truth rate so

54:49

you basically like it's all a big circle

54:51

if you try to like achieve your

54:54

way to place the white your brain to spell

54:56

confidence we haven't treated to it's isn't going

54:58

to

54:59

like a voicing confidence from having anything

55:01

to do with like i'm certified letter from universe

55:04

somebody the and like ten olympic

55:06

judges or that the number to be like you

55:08

truly are

55:09

smart enough to be allowed to think that about your job

55:15

yeah you need to embrace that

55:18

to create a confidence because otherwise

55:20

your to can spend your whole life thing down

55:23

yourself and then and you're not getting an award

55:25

for that when you die either so the

55:28

mariners martyr you're

55:31

not sitting not sitting more traditional you know

55:33

award at the end where they're like job

55:35

never seen anything they

55:36

yourself

55:38

the cookie that's not how are know

55:41

they were among humans honestly terrorism

55:43

is know what's your plan

55:46

you get around measure sea

55:48

lions i said something that was

55:50

like college so often say and i like said

55:52

to my best friend other was early narcissistic

55:55

and she was like i don't think narcissist

55:57

ask themselves

56:02

didn't make it like we're so

56:04

used like a ranking each other because women are socialized

56:07

to compare themselves to each other all other time like we have

56:09

another hope i guess about this think you

56:12

are smart are pretty does not mean

56:14

think you're better and more worthy than other people

56:17

you're allowed to just think a positive

56:19

thing about yourself and it does not imply

56:22

that you are better than somebody else or that you're

56:24

what like we are all equally humanly worthy

56:26

and also were allowed to the nice

56:28

the versa

56:29

nineteen back on

56:34

ask you one last question about i'm

56:36

you mentioned in your bio to yourself

56:38

love is a radical act for women

56:41

and this one's just got me all of in my field

56:43

and do

56:45

we need to commit to being an

56:48

outsider an radical is to truly

56:50

live free and limitless the

56:53

only in our mind

56:55

i'm not work out on a commune i'm like

56:57

i said you guys live

56:59

in brooklyn in our limited

57:05

when i met a woman i have a

57:07

male partners pretty that's pretty conventional

57:09

way you it's radical to

57:12

accept

57:12

we're quite imperfect humanity

57:15

the woman because you are socialized for everybody

57:18

but i focus on

57:19

they were met mike because we are socialized

57:21

the think that are word and are value and our

57:23

ability to love ourselves or be loved by

57:25

other people are contingent

57:27

i'm performing a certain way and

57:29

so it is a radical actually the truth

57:31

is it's not even about

57:33

the bombing of love is about like thinking everything

57:35

you do is great and that so dangerous for them a law

57:37

run each other with cars are like whatever insane

57:39

the prequel people go on to just

57:41

like if i think that i'm not a disgusting pile

57:44

of fact that i will become an arrogance us

57:46

it really doesn't make any sense when you look

57:48

at your like the one that's

57:51

like saying if saying cook one as i'm going to turn

57:53

into a french chef like no matter

57:56

how , you going to be a recent diamonds not

57:58

related

57:59

but anyway people think

58:02

that's of love is that they think it's it's like

58:04

thinking everything you do a great not whatever

58:06

and i

58:07

the new south love it's like you're

58:09

iran itself is like any other long

58:11

term relationship in your life

58:13

it doesn't mean

58:14

always trout with yourself it doesn't mean you only

58:16

have positive thoughts about your

58:17

what you have a sunday

58:19

and i'm like south except of acceptance

58:21

and regard and love brave just like you do

58:23

with a long term partner or long term

58:26

friend make

58:28

i do my best friends my boyfriend

58:30

i love every single thing they do i don't

58:32

have

58:32

the positive talked about them i didn't

58:34

days one night with there's a we have a fight or

58:37

i'm just irritated or i don't like their face

58:42

make that mean that they are not worthy

58:44

of love that they aren't like board

58:46

the human that they have to like change

58:49

in order for me to love them now are some of

58:51

it's due to that in our external relationships

58:53

but that's a mirror of our relationship with ourselves

58:56

rates to me up acceptance

58:58

of love like don't turn it into

59:01

he's known as known as off the human condition either

59:03

it's not like this didn't destination you can get

59:05

to where you always buy yourself a than you never

59:07

feel sad

59:08

bad and you did it perfectly

59:09

it just means having like a long

59:11

term friendship with your software even

59:14

s he had a rough day with your saw fiorello

59:16

means years if you don't like a lot

59:18

he said he snapped at somebody and i your credit

59:21

whatever

59:22

that dormant context of like

59:23

why were you i respect you i care for you

59:25

i'm here with you and like holding that

59:27

space for yourself strategy

59:30

in

59:32

the film again you

59:34

know i just i just think that these things

59:36

are as the see some time they

59:39

can seem so far away and they can seem

59:41

so idealistic and they can seem so

59:43

just as far as our league

59:45

but like really when you break it down

59:48

it just i just hope that everybody leaves

59:50

with leaves little bit of hope that these things

59:52

are absolutely one hundred percent possible

59:54

in your life and you can live this life

59:57

an edge this don't i just i just

59:59

think that

59:59

it really changes the games and if you are

1:00:02

right

1:00:02

correct like me english name

1:00:04

while you know if this makes me friggin

1:00:07

death threats and if it makes me

1:00:09

a rebel them on a duet than usual

1:00:12

your path girlfriends whatever

1:00:14

you gotta do because this because

1:00:17

this is a good seth man this is the stuff

1:00:19

that like makes your life worth

1:00:21

living and

1:00:22

then pour into her

1:00:24

i think you so much for being

1:00:26

that as i think this is so insightful

1:00:29

and insightful honestly like honestly

1:00:31

like think that there's going to be

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