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The unyoked podcast navigating the pain

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process and possibilities after a christian

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divorce as christians, we are quick to give advice, and if we

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don't, let's be honest, we can be quick to judge.

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We also love to see situations as black and

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white, right or wrong. The problem is,

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life is much more complex than we often

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assume or even pretend. Your decision to

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get a divorce will often attract

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feedback, assumptions, considerations,

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and suggestions. Be ready

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from someone who had to navigate this decision. Trust

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me, I had feedback of it's about time.

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I don't know how you lasted so long to hey,

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consider the kids. Don't do this to why did

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you agree to that in the divorce? I don't know

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your specifics and I don't know how horrible

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your spouse treated you, and that's good. I'm

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going to offer some general advice that should apply to

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most all of you. Of course, there's got to be

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exceptions. But let's talk about your heart for

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a moment. If you're like me, something

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happened before your decision to file for a

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divorce. I personally went from walking

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over glass to save my marriage to a hard

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heart in ten short minutes.

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One of it took me to the straw that broke the camel's

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back moment I never understood. In the

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Bible when it talked about hard hearts. It just

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made no sense to me. I couldn't even fathom

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what it meant until it happened to me.

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My heart was hardened and I knew it was

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time. There's a thing that counselors look for.

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Passion. Sometimes love disguises itself

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as hate. When you are mad, it's because you love someone

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and you're hurt by them. But once a person

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reaches indifference, the hard heart,

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that is when it is over. If you're

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navigating this hard heart, my goal is to have

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you walk these next steps in your life

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with wisdom. If you're navigating your next steps with

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emotion and out of pain, you're not going to like

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some of the advice I will be suggesting today.

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One lawyers get one.

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Ask around. Never on social media. Interview

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them. You don't have to choose the first person that you walk into their

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office. Find someone that connects with you.

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Listen to what they say about finances.

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Money is often moved around during divorces.

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Protect yourself. Consider Christian principled

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legal advice. Do not navigate a divorce

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together. Now your spouse and you may say, we can't afford

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it. Well, you cannot afford not to.

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Is that right? Cannot afford not to, that's right. I'm going

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to repeat this for those who did not listen to episode

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190 percent of most divorces

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start with the same simple minded statement by

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both parties. We're adults. We're going to be able to

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divorce without much fighting. What's his is his,

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what's mine is mine. We can do this.

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Well, let me give you some great advice that your spouse

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is probably going to hate. Hire a

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lawyer and have them fight for you, for your

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kids, and for your future. You aren't just

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splitting up tvs and albums from college. This is

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a way bigger moment than just

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things. You're going to get into fights about

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visitation holidays. You're going to have to

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awkwardly navigate your ex's new boyfriend or

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girlfriend picking up dropping off your kids

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Christmas Eve. Best to put it all in

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writing and have a professional write down and a

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judge confirm your agreements. There is

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debt equity bills, taxes,

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insurance, college funds, future investments,

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wills, et cetera. You're not going to agree on all

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these. And I promise you you're going to disagree and

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you feel like you're manipulated to think like they do, like

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their lawyer does. Let your lawyer do the dirty work.

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I've heard it over and over again. I just wanted out

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and I was too tired to fight and I wish I would

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have. So for those of you that think this might

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apply to you, there are good resources from

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christian firms who help people

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navigate their separation with grace and

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unity. Don't do it yourself. Do it with a

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trained professional. Wrestling with the details

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of unyoking is already not easy and it

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will change. Sometimes weekly, sometimes

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daily. Be ready for the ups and

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downs, frustrations and changed

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promises nothing verbal. Your spouse

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promises means anything if it's

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not in a divorce degree and it's signed by

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the judge. Now announcing your plans to

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divorce. If you have kids with your spouse,

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let me strongly suggest as

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bad, evil and as horrible of a person your

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spouse may be, salvage the reputation of

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your child's parent. Choose your

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words carefully to the kids. Keep

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on a biblical lens, not too much

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information. Don't belittle that their world is

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turning upside down and don't act like it's all

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going to be okay. Be encouraging and be

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a realist. They have no idea what is going

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to hit them. Now who else needs to know?

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Well, if anybody needs to understand why you are

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out of the house or they are out of the house

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or hey, where's know? You could just say hey,

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Bob and I have filed for a divorce. We are currently living

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separate. Not hey, Bob's a lying sack

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of dog dung and I kicked his butt out of the house after I wrote

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his boss a long email. Also, your kid's mom and

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dad need their job to pay bills. Don't win

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the battle and lose the war. Jobs are off limit. If your

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spouse has a secret sin and works for a church,

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maybe this is an exception. But your divorce

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announcement shouldn't be the first time for church

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leaders to know of your marital issues.

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Your inner circle can know. Not

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your Facebook friends, not the local christian

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radio morning show. Be sure to take

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feedback of your announcement with a grain of salt.

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Everyone has opinions and axes to grind.

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People have different levels of

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justice. Don't fight their fight.

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Some of your friends will want your ex to walk the plank,

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to have public shame, to bleed them dry,

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ruin their names. On a side note,

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God performs miracles. I've heard of plenty of

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people who came to their senses while navigating the

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complexities of a divorce. It scares the Jesus back

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into some people. Leave room for those miracles

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and don't sabotage your relationship, your kids

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relationship, or your church relationships with your

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anger. When people are faced with the

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realities of losing everything,

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they often take a harder look at solutions.

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Don't burn a bridge any worse than it already

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is. I know that all small groups have a life of their

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own, and your church most likely encourages you to

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do life together. But I would like to

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send up a giant caution about talking about

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marriage issues and circles with your Sunday school

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and your small groups. There are two sides

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to every story. People will pick sides.

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People will feel it's their job to intervene. If your

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small group has real friends in it, talk to them

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outside the meeting. Just because you're in a small group

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does not give the right or the

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need to jump into the middle of something so

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complex. Now, some people may disagree

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with me, but I think it's because they want their

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small groups to be authentic. But how? A lot

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of small groups work. It's not that every room is

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mature enough for the sensitive situations.

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Divorces and marriage problems are a lot more complex than

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most of those people have even thought through. It's going to

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create problems. Know your tight inner circles.

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Give them only the details that they need to know, and

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to them only. All right, get off social

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media. Unless you make money online.

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Go silent on all the apps every

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time you want to pick up your phone. Go for a walk, read

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yoga, call a friend. Stay off the apps.

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Better yet, delete them. And just don't be tempted

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when your friends say, hey, did you see what Bob posted?

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Say no and I don't care. But if my lawyer needs to

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know, send me a screenshot and I'll forward it to them. That will

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stop all the drama right there. I can think of

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20 bad things that social media can do to you in a divorce

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and I can't think of one good thing. Get

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off. You don't need to be on right now. Now this is

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a little bit more tricky navigating church. Now we're

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going to talk about something super controversial.

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And even though there is a whole episode coming

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about churches, we're going to discuss church

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and divorce right now. Some of your spouses will

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be ghost at church, some will want to show up and some

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may even want to sit together. Sitting apart

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is awkward, especially with Kids, and it

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invites weird questions and stares. Church is

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awkward during a divorce. It just is no

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way to deny it. Listen, I love God and I

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love the church. But if you need to step away from an

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awkward situation for a season, I give you permission.

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Miss some Sundays unvolunteer, visit

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another church for a while, watch online.

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Your pastor may strongly disagree with what I just said right there,

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but they may be wrong. They haven't walked this

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walk. And the answer isn't, oh, you

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just need to be in church. We're your family. We're going to help you get

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through this. It's just not true. Your small

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group is not a marriage and divorce expert.

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That's not what they're built to do. It's not a sin to

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skip church and avoid some painful moments.

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Get some rest. Sleep in. Read the word in

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solitude. Cry out, ponder, hurt.

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Don't let anybody tell you differently. Pastors can be wrong.

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That's okay too. Don't be guilted into doing

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something you are not comfortable with.

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God gives us grace in this area.

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People are the church. Those programs,

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responsibilities and buildings, they're not the

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church. Let them go. Do their things. During this time in your

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life. Release the burden. It is okay.

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Sometimes the reality of divorce will cause someone to try

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and save their marriage at the 11th hour.

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Actions speak louder than words. I'm going to give you a little

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suggestion. Put the required actions into

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words. Make a list of non

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negotiable items. What actions can

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we commit to that might save our marriage?

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When the second one of those is violated, then you know they're

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not serious. They're just talking. Define what

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will possibly save your marriage. Make a contract.

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It will be a lot easier to move forward once

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the agreement is broken. This is a last

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ditch effort and a way to measure

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authentic attempts to restore your marriage. Now

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buckle up. The new reality is hard.

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Whatever caused your divorce and marital issues

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might be out of the house but may not have

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disappeared fully. But now you'll have two

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likely bitter people fighting. Emotions are

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high. Defense mechanisms are flying

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everywhere. It will be a tough

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season. Keep your circle tight. Get

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legal advice, especially if your spouse

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begs you not to. That's when you do it. Protect

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your kids health and your lifelong relationships with

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parents. Take all advice you get with a grain of

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salt. Rest physically and

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mentally. Changes are coming to your

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lifestyle, to your house, to your jobs,

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finance, church, all of it. This season can take

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a few months, even years. Here are

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a few last bit pieces of advice. Be

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gentle with yourself. Don't move on.

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Sit in this moment. Navigate it well. Be

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attentive to your body and your mind. Sleep.

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Eat, exercise. Drink water.

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Be kind to yourself. Look out for your

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needs, and you can go to toddturner.com

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divorce for resources and to sign up for emails as we

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navigate being unyoked as a Christian. Blessings.