0:02

The unyoked podcast navigating the pain

0:06

process and possibilities after a christian

0:09

divorce, your phone feels like such an easy way to be a voyeur

0:19

and to explore your options of the other sex.

0:23

Not so fast. As we navigate the pain and

0:27

the process and the possibilities of divorce here on the

0:31

Unyoke podcast with our christian lenses on,

0:34

we just have to dig down into this phenomenon that

0:38

exploded during COVID in our frequently

0:41

isolated lives. Dating apps and let's talk

0:45

a little about dating in general. The first few episodes

0:49

of the young yoke podcast focused on those

0:52

considering or navigating a divorce. But

0:56

now we're in the middle of the aftermath of divorce and

1:00

in the landmines and in the opportunities, and some of those

1:04

are dating and the online dating apps. Now, I want a

1:08

disclaimer here. When it comes to the order, someone should

1:11

walk down the newly single road. Dating should

1:15

not even be in the top five things to do post divorce,

1:19

but I already know it feels right to be in

1:23

a relationship. For many of us, we all fight loneliness to

1:26

various degrees, and frankly, we get some highs from

1:30

the attention, from the gamesmanship of dating or the

1:34

flirting. So it's just a huge temptation for us and

1:38

a lot of us in our early single life. But if you're within a

1:41

year of your divorce, listen to this episode. Don't

1:45

act. But for the rest of us, let's dive deep. I put

1:49

this episode early on the list because dating in the

1:53

dating apps is where most people go when loneliness

1:56

strikes. Now, listen to a lot of you girls listening,

2:00

meeting in a grocery store. Just creepy. Let's be

2:03

honest. If I came up to one of you women listening right now

2:07

while you were shopping, you would have your walls up

2:10

high, immediately clutch your purse. Us guys

2:14

can't win. And then sometimes you women say, I never meet

2:18

anybody. Well, that's because you don't look anybody in the eyes in

2:21

public. You keep your earphones in at the gym, and you only go

2:25

out with your girl groups where if a man is walking up to you

2:29

to say hi, he's walking into the lion's den. Many of you

2:33

have your bubbles, and they're almost

2:35

impenetrable. And we don't like trying as

2:39

guys, and we don't like guessing whether we're even allowed to, so we

2:43

just don't. Women are scared of creeps, and men

2:46

are scared of being creeps. It's like we're back in junior high

2:50

again at the skating rink. Dating is hard.

2:54

Dating as a Christian is even harder. Have

2:58

you ever had someone throw shallow advice your way. Their flippant

3:02

instructions are sometimes irritating, and sometimes it just

3:05

feels condescending. When an answer is too simple

3:09

and easy, it's generally because whoever

3:12

lobbed it really hasn't dug down into the

3:16

nuances of a situation. We single christians

3:20

here just find yourself a girl in church.

3:23

Well, don't I wish church single groups can be

3:27

extremely awkward. More on that in another

3:30

episode about church. The ods. A relationship won't

3:34

work is far greater than it will if you

3:38

love your church. You don't want a relationship to end. Your ability

3:41

to call that your church home and size

3:45

matters. There are many churches too small to

3:49

deal with. The politics of dating within the walls,

3:52

people taking sides or working overtime to try

3:56

to matchmake choices are very limited.

4:00

Unless maybe you go to a megachurch. Small

4:04

churches are like small towns. I lived in

4:07

a small town, and after my divorce, when I was ready to

4:11

date, I did not date anybody in my small town.

4:15

Well, why? Because there's only one gas station. I want to be able to go

4:18

to it and not have to worry about who's coming over my shoulder.

4:22

And if I have to have an awkward conversation with somebody that

4:26

I once dated, and I want to be able to go down every aisle in

4:29

the dollar general store without having to skip one because somebody's down there

4:32

and they ghosted me, or I ghosted them. So I just never dated

4:36

in my own hometown. And that's sort of the same way it works with small

4:40

churches. Let's be honest. For christians, the idea of meeting

4:44

someone in church just isn't easy as it

4:47

sounds. Now, I find this way truer with women

4:51

than men. But sometimes we are pushed into dating.

4:54

Our Friends or even our children are tired of seeing

4:58

us alone, maybe around the house, maybe even lacking

5:02

purpose or even happiness. They want to see a

5:05

smile on our faces, and maybe,

5:08

selfishly, they want to see a smile on their faces. They want

5:12

the double dates, the couple dinners, the foursome, travel

5:16

partners to go with. So they're pushing us into dating.

5:20

If I've been told this once, I've been told it 20 times.

5:24

My daughter made this dating profile for me. My friend

5:27

runs my dating app account. I don't know too many men who

5:31

had to be pushed into dating, but I know plenty of women who felt like

5:34

they were. But let's say you are ready to meet somebody

5:38

of your own accord and at your own speed. You need

5:42

to think a little bit. What does dating

5:45

mean to you right now? How are you going to manage

5:49

this new event in your life, what rules do you want to

5:53

govern your time and the energy level of this new

5:56

venture? These are very interesting thoughts when you ponder

6:00

them for a moment. Yes, most of us want a

6:04

healthy relationship at some point, but not all of us

6:08

are healthy enough to find our partner. And I can

6:11

100% assure you there are so many

6:15

unhealthy people out there in the dating pools. Without the

6:18

right lenses, you will make big

6:21

mistakes. Big ones. I can assure

6:25

you I have. Now, there are stats. I don't

6:29

know exactly what they are about how many years to be single post

6:32

divorce before you find yourself again? Or maybe

6:36

find yourself for the very first time. Some of you've got married so

6:40

young, you've raised your family, and you're trying to find yourself

6:43

again. You never even had it. You were a mom, you were

6:47

a wife, and now you're single. Or you're a husband and you are

6:51

a provider for your family. And now who are you? What are your hobies?

6:55

You don't even know. Without that lens of knowing who

6:59

you are, how are you going to know who to go look for and what

7:02

makes your best partner? You have no idea yet. When we

7:06

come into dating without a plan, it can be dangerous and a

7:10

costly trip when we try to just fill the holes in

7:14

our life, fill our time, fill our need to feel

7:17

loved and appreciated, well, listen, that's super easy,

7:21

especially for you women. Listen, dress nice, do your

7:25

hair, create an online profile account, and you will get guys

7:29

calling you pretty and offering to spend time with you in five

7:33

short minutes. It's not hard, but who?

7:36

What are you looking for? Are you looking for a life partner

7:40

or just a date? Do all the dates have to be potential life

7:44

partners? We're not teenagers anymore. The

7:47

dating advice we got in our youth groups is not

7:51

even close to applicable. We have

7:55

much harder lives to navigate. Money,

7:58

emotional, family boundaries. It is so

8:02

much more complex. Many of you want to date

8:05

someone opposite of your ex, or maybe

8:09

very similar, but without those flaws. I know quite a few

8:13

people who tried to date the exact opposite of their ex

8:16

spouse. They found a trait that they felt so

8:20

different, only to find they married their ex

8:23

spouse all over again. More of this

8:26

phenomenon on a later full episode about dating and

8:30

finding your right person. But it screams you have

8:34

to be healed to have a clear lens of what you want or need.

8:37

Most of us gravitate back to the same type of people

8:41

until we learn why we are attracted to that type of person

8:45

and we fix it. But let's just assume you

8:49

really are ready, you know what you want and that you magically

8:52

found someone who knows what they want, too. How

8:56

are you going to find each other? How many fish will you

9:00

have to throw back before you find your next right

9:04

partner? How are you going to exercise those flirt

9:07

dating muscles if they've been dormant for a while?

9:11

Scary, right? Introduce the dating app solution,

9:15

an easy way to window shop and pick your person with

9:19

ease. Ha. Not now. Side note,

9:23

I find it so funny when some of you women listening get on an

9:26

app for the first time. It's like walking through one of those full

9:30

length mirrors made of water where you can walk through, but you have

9:34

no idea what's on the other side of it. Well, some

9:37

of the women come into these apps. They open their account,

9:41

super scared, super cautious. The new accounts have

9:45

no bio, and they have pictures of cats,

9:49

lakes, memes, et cetera that were uploaded so

9:52

nobody can see your face. Then after you get your dating legs,

9:56

those get changed to maybe your best pictures that you happen to have on your

9:59

phone. And then over time, maybe it matures. It's just

10:03

so funny because I used to log in and I'd see a few cats a

10:07

day on the apps, and I think, oh, here's another dating newbie.

10:10

Swipe left. She's new to the game. She's not ready.

10:14

And I'll leave the fake names you all create alone. There's so many of them

10:18

out there, and I get there's privacy concerns that you all have to deal

10:21

with. Now, listen, there are some giant

10:25

differences with the denominations, the spiritual maturity,

10:29

the brokenness between all of us right now listening to this

10:32

podcast. Some of you are very guilt driven.

10:36

Some of you are people pleasers. Some of you are

10:40

introverts. And some of you never in a

10:43

million years would tell your friends, family members,

10:47

and especially your church friends that you use a

10:51

dating app. I see it written in bios all the time.

10:55

Let's tell everybody else we met in church. It's sometimes

10:58

tongue in cheek, but I think many of you don't like to admit

11:02

that you're even on dating apps. It feels taboo in the church

11:06

world. What will your friends think? Should I put Tinder

11:10

on the homepage of my cell phone? Should I remove

11:13

notifications? What will your friends think if Georgia Peach four

11:17

from Tinder just messaged you? Or big sexy

11:20

Cajun just super swipes you? Or even ready to rumble

11:24

blows up your phone during a meeting or a small group? Some of these

11:28

usernames are just wild. Let's just be honest. There are some

11:32

common concerns and misconceptions about the dating

11:35

apps within the christian community. Tinder has a reputation of being

11:39

a hookup app, but I found that any app can be whatever

11:43

you want it to be. Now I have my rankings, but I

11:47

have to be honest. I've never paid for an app that I can remember.

11:50

So any of these apps I'm going to mention the ratings may change if I

11:54

paid. There are over maybe 100 apps

11:58

that are available for you to date online in the App Stores,

12:01

but here are the top ones. Let's rate them quickly. Bumble

12:05

I like this app because it puts the woman in charge.

12:09

She has to reach out first. Many of the women hate that,

12:13

but come on, it's better than waking up with who knows what in your

12:16

inbox every day. I found the women to be of higher class and more

12:20

articulate than some of the other apps I will mention next. It

12:23

encouraged information exchange and conversation.

12:27

I'll give Bumble an a. There's another app called

12:31

the league. It's hard to get in and it's expensive, except they

12:35

do let you in with free approvals. But it is great because

12:38

there are no fake accounts. Everyone is

12:42

vetted. I have met really good quality people in the league

12:46

who seem to be truly interested in meeting someone and trying

12:50

out a relationship. Another a, but I'll give it an a

12:53

minus because with the free account, you have to wait in line.

12:57

Lightning in a bottle because you only get three swipe choices a day

13:00

and think about how long that takes to finally find your person.

13:04

Facebook dating? It's on the app. It's a weird addition to the

13:08

normal Facebook app. I'd say 95% real

13:12

people, but an awful lot of looky lose. And there's the ability

13:15

to see possible friend matches and do deep detective

13:19

work knowing their first name in the city they live in and anything

13:23

else they accidentally revealed. But it's a buffet of

13:26

possibilities. But it feels more like a waste of time. If you're really

13:30

serious about meeting someone, I'll give it a b.

13:33

Tinder now listen, if Tinder is a hookup app, it's broken.

13:38

I know it has a reputation, and it certainly does have some seedy

13:41

things that rear their head from time to time. But once

13:45

again, choose what vibe you put out and what vibe

13:49

you accept and it can work and it can be safe.

13:53

But in general, it's a small bar on the side of the road.

13:56

You might meet somebody in there, but it's probably not worth going

14:00

in. Let's be honest. So I'll give it a C minus.

14:04

Plenty of fish. Another fairly popular one. Not sure

14:07

why I'd call it the armpit of dating apps. Fake

14:11

accounts everywhere. The app features are not even working

14:14

fully, specifically who's on right now and how far away they are.

14:18

It just doesn't work. I don't know how to say this without just being super

14:22

blunt, but the women I see just seem to be a little bit of lower

14:26

class than the other apps. And I'll leave that right there. But I'll give this

14:29

thing a straight up f. But I had all the

14:55

apps together, and I have met so many great

14:58

women, I still stay in contact with them. There are absolutely some

15:02

amazing men and women out there. And for those of you who

15:06

say all men are dogs or all women are crazy, you might want

15:09

to check yourself and your picker. I have found some

15:13

great souls, some great conversationalists, great

15:17

people along the way, and I would not have met 10% of these people

15:21

without an app. It connected us. But

15:24

let's highlight some of the warnings and the potential

15:27

pitfalls of online dating and these dating apps.

15:31

Now, I only date christians, and I say that. I mean, people who

15:35

put that in their profiles, how would I know?

15:38

I dread the word spiritual. It's another choice you see on a lot of these

15:42

apps. I don't even know what that means. I sometimes think of a

15:46

gypsy with beads and tarot cards and tied eyed shirts when I

15:49

see that word. But I've met a few people that told me that they've used

15:53

the word spiritual because they want to say they love God and they

15:57

have a personal relationship with him, but they don't want to be

16:00

associated with traditional right wing Christianity,

16:04

sort of the phenomenon that's going on right now. And so people are

16:07

distancing from the word because they're distancing from the politics in the

16:11

word. But maybe they need a I love the Lord, but

16:15

I hate religion button. But I don't think that's available to any of us. So

16:19

what does Christian even mean anymore? There are people

16:22

who would say that they are Christian. Well, because they're

16:26

not an atheist or not Muslim or not

16:29

Buddhist. But I spend a lot of time trying to see what

16:33

that means to someone. It's a weird test to

16:36

just open up and ask right at the beginning of the conversation, and it's

16:40

a long game test to see it played out. It's part of the

16:44

exhaustive part of dating, getting to know

16:47

someone and try to decide what they mean by the word.

16:51

Christian. Some people use church attendance. They'll ask about

16:55

that as the bar to know how serious you are about

16:59

your christian walk. Some people use music choices. Do you

17:02

listen to worship music? What books are you reading? Right? I found

17:06

it takes time to see what the word means to someone and

17:10

there's not too great of a litmus test along the way. But

17:14

there is a quick way I found it's what I call the

17:17

cleavage factor. It only works for us men. The Christian

17:21

that has four bikini, two bar picks and enough cleavage out

17:25

there to kill a goat. Now listen, I promise you, I

17:29

may be the most liberal conservative Christian there is.

17:32

You can 100% be a believer and go to bars and

17:36

do the beach. And yes, you can wear a bikini. You can

17:40

drink, you can go braless. I don't care. I actually

17:43

advocate that you're not restrained to someone else's

17:47

definition of modest or whatever our cultural

17:50

standards happen to be this year in this country. But I

17:54

think I'm talking about the vibe and the look at me

17:57

attitude and I need to be looked at. The

18:01

attention seeking I have found the more cleavage in

18:04

the biopics, the less spiritually mature. These are facts. You can

18:08

debate me, but it says a lot about someone. If they want to be known

18:12

for their assets over their personality. This is

18:15

a great example of the need to heal before you start

18:19

dating. Why do you seek attention? What is

18:22

healthy attention and how am I going to try to get it? And why am

18:26

I using an app to do it? Okay, another warning for the

18:30

ladies guys. Some guys will ask you to use

18:33

a different app to chat. A chat app. But

18:37

beware. Think about why are they in a relationship

18:40

already? Are they married? They don't want your

18:44

pictures on their cloud keeping you on the down

18:48

low. If a guy asked you, would you move over to this

18:52

chat app with me or exchange pictures? Move on. No matter what

18:55

reason he gives, spend more time chatting on the app

18:59

you're on. Don't move off so quickly.

19:02

Also, put a fair amount of pictures on your

19:06

bio and it will slow down the request for more pictures. Don't give

19:10

anybody any room to say let's get off this app so we can exchange more

19:13

pictures. Just give them what you're going to give them. Sometimes people ask

19:17

because you only put one. Maybe put a little bit more. They won't be so

19:20

greedy. A side note, when do you exchange numbers?

19:24

My answer is after some serious banter

19:28

and even after a video date. Need to tell you a

19:31

quick story about my first date or one of my very first dates after

19:35

my divorce, I just text someone. We had a little bit of

19:39

banner and I thought, oh, it must be time to meet. I decided to meet

19:42

them. I didn't do a phone call. I didn't do a video call. I

19:46

did nothing. I walked in to the

19:49

biggest mess of all time. I walked into a group

19:52

date situation. There were so many people at the table, I didn't even know which

19:56

one was mine that I was supposed to talk to. She was drinking,

20:00

she was smoking. We were sitting there listening to a band of some friends

20:04

that she had. I just walked in. I thought, what have I got

20:07

myself into? It was really almost the perfect first

20:11

date because once I did it, I do not

20:15

go out unless I do a video date. It is the only way to go.

20:18

It eliminates so many problems that happen in person. You can

20:22

just learn about it already in the video date and you don't even have to

20:25

go on a date. Look into it. It's brilliant. Now, let's talk about

20:28

ghosting. Ghosting is a real thing, man.

20:32

I wish I could explain it for those who haven't described it yet, but here's

20:36

the deal. One, when you swipe, you're

20:40

swiping at multiple people because you don't know who's going to swipe back.

20:44

So what happens is you sometimes get slammed with multiple conversations

20:47

going on. And when you have too many conversations, what happens

20:51

is you feed one and you neglect the other. And

20:54

so sometimes you have somebody who matches with you. You may be in a

20:58

brief conversation and they just disappear. And you think, what happened there?

21:02

Well, one of the reasons they're just talking to too many people and you lost

21:06

out timing. Somebody replied when they were up and you didn't, and

21:09

then by the time two or three days later, they've already moved on. Just the

21:13

way it is. Sometimes they're just not feeling it. It is

21:16

what it is. It hurts sometimes, but hey, now you know where they

21:20

stand or they know where you stand. I've ghosted plenty in

21:24

my life. Not super proud, but some of them made total sense.

21:27

Some were missteps on my part. It just happens. In

21:31

fact, a study a couple of years ago found that respondents

21:35

had ghosted almost 30% of the people they dated

21:39

and they felt like they'd been ghosted by 25% of the dates themselves.

21:42

People admit it, but additionally, 75% of the

21:46

respondents to the survey said they believe ghosting was an

21:49

inappropriate way to end a relationship. Isn't that crazy?

21:53

But isn't it funny? A way to end a relationship? What kind of

21:57

relationship? You barely know each other. You've only just swiped on

22:00

pictures and read a little bit of what they had to say. Is that really

22:03

a relationship yet? I think that's where the nuances come

22:07

in. Is ghosting after you've built a relationship that

22:10

hurts ghosting when you're just getting to know each other? Some people would just say

22:14

that's fair game. That's the way it is. But this is not just a dating

22:18

issue with ghosting. It happens a lot now with jobs and

22:21

friendships. As the world moves more and more online, it's

22:24

proven we behave way differently in person than we do

22:28

online. It's a thing. Plus, once again, what do you owe

22:32

somebody that you barely know? Here is what will help

22:36

with ghosting and with online dating in general. Say what you

22:39

mean. Mean what you say. Honesty. We

22:43

don't have real relationships yet, but we don't need to be

22:46

rude. Maybe your laugh is not going to make me

22:50

happy for the next 30 years. And I don't want to tell you because I

22:53

don't want to offend you, but I know that hair dude that you have with

22:56

that tank top just going to be a little embarrassing for me. And

23:00

the dog, he's ugly. I'm not going to tell you that, but it may be

23:03

enough for me to know you're not my next person. And so I've just moved

23:07

on. And I'm moving on because I don't want to tell you the truth. So

23:10

just sometimes you got to let ghosting be what it is, right? And

23:13

also, like, I'm speaking to the ladies a lot today, you have no

23:17

bio. You just put up your pictures, right? Well, some of you are

23:21

getting it just a little lazy. If you put up a few pics and

23:25

no bio, no wonder why you're getting ghosted. If you

23:28

would have told me about your five year old kid and that you work at

23:32

Blockbuster still, I might not have swiped. I mean, give me

23:36

some details for crowd out loud. You and I can weed out people. Do you love golf? Good. I

23:46

don't. Tell me now, do you work on weekends? Great.

23:50

Spit it out. You don't want to fly, great. But reveal that

23:53

in your bio. Now we're going to know.

23:58

Now, I'm going off hearsay here, but there seems to be plenty

24:02

of married men on the apps. Beware.

24:06

But here are some obvious signs. The

24:10

chat picture apps, they want you off that app really quick. To put

24:13

you on a private app, you research them a little bit on

24:17

social media and their pictures are weird, or they're nowhere to be found

24:21

on social media with that name. They'll tell you things like, oh, I

24:25

don't do social media, or, I don't like doing selfies. Maybe he never

24:28

invites you to his house, even after multiple dates in

24:32

his job. Requires a lot of travel, very irregular

24:36

communication. Most of this time, when I hear these stories,

24:40

it was obvious to me that the guy was married. I'm not sure how

24:44

it happened. So much of the women being fooled. Social

24:48

media flag. Like, if they have a picture of

24:51

a US flag or a bald eagle or a picture of their truck, and they

24:55

don't have a picture of their own face, red flag.

24:59

One, he's married. Two, what kind of guy can't put a picture

25:03

of himself? Like, you can't handle technology

25:06

now in this day and age. Do you really want to date a

25:10

guy with an Eagle as his profile pic on Facebook? Is that what you really

25:13

want? I don't think so. So if he says he doesn't take selfies, he

25:17

can't figure it out? He doesn't have any friends to help him take a picture.

25:20

That's a clue, too. Well, that guy's either married or he's a loser. So

25:24

walk away from those people. How about that? Okay, guys, a little behind

25:28

the curtain information for you. Do you know that women in some

25:31

towns have Facebook groups to deep dive into men's

25:35

history and the like? So you better behave. So,

25:39

like here in Dallas, there are the women in Dallas, and if they're dating somebody,

25:43

they have any questions, they'll literally put a picture of him and comments, and

25:46

people from all over the metroplex will comment and say, oh, I used

25:50

to date that guy. He's super nice. But guess what? Normally, not that

25:54

easy. It's normally, oh, he's a jerk. He ghosted me. Or, I

25:58

found out that guy's married. Or worse than that, he's talking to me right

26:01

now, too. So be on your best behavior. They're actually doing

26:05

some really big things behind our backs, and maybe we ought to do the same

26:08

thing back, but they're probably a little smarter than we are now.

26:12

Let's talk about approaching christian dating with integrity and

26:16

authenticity. Hear me out on this one. Even though

26:20

I do seek God's wisdom and guidance in the dating journey.

26:24

But this christian ease has become an issue.

26:27

I don't want to be guilty of using my christian status

26:31

to manipulate women looking for a spiritual leader and

26:35

their next husband. Let me give you an example.

26:39

I used to pray before meals when I went out on

26:43

a date, but I stopped. I stopped doing that, and

26:46

here's why. I got told almost

26:50

at 1000%, batting 1000%. No one has

26:54

ever prayed before. Well, I thought in my

26:58

mind it was the perfect scenario to

27:01

pray and start off relationship. Right? Meaning

27:05

both acknowledge we're believers, we want to pray. Let's start

27:09

this relationship on the right foot. What I found is

27:13

unknown to me. It became a free

27:17

check mark on the tally of who Todd is. This

27:20

guy prays. No one else prays. Oh, I really like this guy. And I thought

27:24

it felt like a weapon that I had to win someone over,

27:28

and I stopped doing it. Doesn't mean I wanted to, but I really felt it

27:31

was an unfair advantage. It became manipulative.

27:35

And so a lot of times christians

27:39

judge one another by what books we read, what we listen to,

27:43

how often we go to church, do we pray ahead of time? And as a

27:46

man, I just felt it was really just wrong for me to play that card.

27:50

Plus, with what I do for a living and working with churches, I feel like

27:53

I'm already portraying something and that feels really

27:57

unfair. Plus, let's talk about this. When is a man your

28:01

spiritual leader? When does that kick in and how?

28:04

We're not married yet. I'm not your husband. When am I a leader of

28:08

anything? You're still a woman, independent, and you're under the covering of

28:12

God. We've already left our parents, right? A long, long time ago. Now

28:16

we're independent, so where's our spiritual covering coming from?

28:20

And plus, I've been told too christian,

28:23

not christian enough. Now, once again, maybe I'm not the right guy to tell this

28:27

story. I work in a very conservative realm of

28:31

Christianity. Seminaries, churches,

28:34

ministry organizations. Yet I guess

28:38

I can be considered a little edgy. Tattoos, long

28:42

hair. I love some great conversations. I love talking about

28:45

theology, and I also enjoy a lot of what the world has to offer.

28:49

I've been called too christian. People were scared to date me.

28:53

I've been called not christian enough because I don't do the church

28:56

things as often as some want me to. But

29:00

I do know that dating christians is a lot

29:04

more complex than just that. There's a lot of matching of

29:08

theology and frankly, assumptions of what a christian

29:11

life should look like. Meshing is

29:15

very hard. There's going to be a lot of swing and misses in your

29:19

online dating as a Christian, which bleeds directly into

29:22

this politics. So many online profiles have

29:26

this statement, if you voted for Biden, swipe left. I

29:30

cannot date a trump supporter I met an amazing

29:34

woman one time. We got along so great. She

29:37

hated Donald Trump in a way that I had

29:41

no idea. This is a 30 minutes story, and I won't tell

29:45

the whole thing, but she once asked me if I supported

29:48

Trump. I don't even know what that means. In her mind, you're either

29:52

for him or against him. And I had to sit here and navigate

29:56

of, well, I don't support this, but I do support this because

30:00

everything's nuances and details. It's not as simple as love Trump,

30:04

hate Biden. I mean, we make it that simple, but it's

30:07

just not. There's this interesting survey that came out

30:11

and it said that back 30 years ago, parents

30:15

had no. Only 30% of parents had no problem

30:19

of letting their kid date somebody from a different political party. They

30:23

said as long as that person loved their child, that was okay with them. They

30:26

wanted the love to rank higher than the political

30:30

affiliation. Now, if 70% of

30:33

parents do not want their kids dating anybody, the opposite political

30:37

party, regardless of love, doesn't that say a lot about our

30:40

society? Don't make me preach right here. But

30:44

the Bible is constantly showing us this balance between

30:48

truth and grace, truth and mercy. And

30:52

we as people, therefore our churches and our political parties, get

30:56

this wrong all the time. We swing too far to the right or swing too

30:59

far to the left. Too many of us make a mistake of

31:03

politics and Christianity instead of talking

31:06

and thinking through why we feel how we feel and challenging

31:10

our own beliefs and assumptions. And we may leave some great

31:14

people out of our potential network of friends

31:17

and of even life partners if we sit here and put a political lens on

31:21

top of who we may talk to. It's just not healthy. True

31:25

Christianity does guide our worldview and our

31:28

passion, but the gospel is not politics,

31:32

nor is it american nationalism. And some of you need to

31:36

take the time to see that difference. Okay, so

31:39

you found somebody cool and funny via messaging and

31:43

you might be willing to meet? Well, first date

31:47

suggestion. Like I mentioned before, video date,

31:50

the cost and time are too valuable to risk

31:54

it. You can tell in seconds when somebody walks in the

31:58

door, starts talking, whether you vibe. You can get

32:02

online and solve that problem without spending so much money. I've

32:05

literally been on a video date and 2 seconds in, 10

32:09

seconds in, I already know it's a no. Just buy what's in the background.

32:13

How many cats are in the background? What kind of laugh? Why'd you wear

32:16

your hair? Did you hold the phone way down here? I'm not marrying somebody I

32:19

have to look at their chin every time we talk. Do they have a green

32:22

light or not? It's judgmental. But you can learn so much.

32:26

And anybody can be good at texting on the apps. Like I

32:29

said, I blew one of my first dates, and now I know to just

32:33

do this. Why waste time? Why hire babysitters?

32:37

Why spend the money? Respect people's time.

32:41

Guys, I know we pay mostly, and it's very expensive

32:44

going on a date to have a swing and a mess. But don't get the

32:47

women. Sometimes they're hiring babysitters. Makeup isn't cheap.

32:51

Right? They're putting money into this, too. It's not just you go out and

32:54

get somebody to eat with for your meal and you don't have to eat alone.

32:58

Like, respect the other person's time. So how do you

33:02

discern God's will in a potential relationship and with the decision

33:05

making? I don't know. I mean, I hear that when you know, you

33:09

know. But here is where I started. Now,

33:13

listen, I can't believe I'm going to put this out there like this in the

33:16

universe, but I'm going to. And I'm doing this because it's in the

33:20

hopes that it helps somebody listening. I want to role model what

33:24

I believe is a super healthy exercise.

33:27

Right? There's a great saying. I think Chuck Swindall came up with it. He's

33:31

the one who told me. And that is, thoughts disentangle themselves

33:35

over the lips and through the fingertips when you say something. When you

33:39

write it, things make sense. And so I took time to write

33:43

a blog that I'm going to share with you. If you're interested, I'll give you

33:46

the URL that it talks about. Who I am, who

33:50

I want to be, what I want to be out of a partner, what I

33:53

want to be to them. And I wrote it. I wrote it down. I wrote

33:56

it down for me to hear it. I've edited it over the years. It's my

34:00

north star of dating, and I think it's really

34:04

healthy to do. I've actually sent this out to a few

34:07

people that I was in relationships with. But here's the

34:11

deal. I think it's important enough that I'm going to put a link to it

34:14

on toddturner.com. You can go take a look.

34:17

Not so you can see that I did anything great, but you can get a

34:21

feel for what. Maybe you could do that exercise, right? Try

34:24

it yourself. Don't let 100 word bio limit on a

34:28

dating app say everything there is to say about yourself and to

34:32

your potential partner. Write something longer. Now, I've heard

34:35

some people say, I don't want to reveal too much on the bio. I want

34:39

it all to come out organically. I get that. But how

34:43

many people do you have to spend how much time with in order to find

34:47

out that you're not or never will be in alignment?

34:50

So maybe if they read a little bit about you, a deeper dive. It

34:54

wouldn't take 30 dates to figure it out that this isn't going to work. If

34:58

I just would have known that was their life goal right off the beginning. I'm

35:01

not going to be a missionary in Uganda, and so we're not a

35:05

thing. Right. Okay, topic change. Let's

35:09

talk about women and red flags. Don't

35:12

ignore them. And why? Just why? I feel like

35:16

too many times I hear women say, I saw these red

35:20

flags, but listen, if I

35:24

sniff a red flag, I run. Why stick around for

35:27

clear red flags? Well, he said he wouldn't hit me. It was

35:31

just his ex wife. I mean, I know he just came out of a divorce,

35:35

but he seemed really stable. Like, I know he lives

35:38

at a home, but that's just because his last boss was a

35:42

jerk. I know he's a horrible communicator, but he's just

35:46

been so busy at work. I mean, come on. There

35:49

are some giant differences between red

35:53

flags and imperfection. We will really unpack

35:57

this in a different episode. But red flags are red

36:00

flags. Listen to your close friends, not to your

36:04

heart. Your heart will lie to you. It just will. Your

36:08

desire to be in a relationship will put blinders on your eyes.

36:11

Red flags are just that. Observe them and act

36:15

accordingly. Here are some practical tips and advice I have

36:19

collected for navigating christian dating and dating

36:22

apps. One take breaks. It works

36:26

in cycles. It's super frustrating. But breathe

36:30

a little bit. It's okay to turn them off. It can be exhausting.

36:34

I've deleted, hid, blown out all the apps over

36:38

and over on my phone. Go your speed and

36:41

realize there's a giant cultural phenomenon happening.

36:45

I call it the buffet mentality. No one eats steaks and

36:49

eggs anymore. We walk to a buffet, we put on

36:52

what we want on our plate, and we can walk to our table and we'll

36:55

see somebody come by with shrimp. Like, oh, I didn't know we had shrimp. Get

36:58

rid of that food. Let me go back and get the shrimp. There's always that

37:01

fear of missing out, and I think I can do better. No one

37:05

just ticks the steak and the potatoes to their table

37:09

anymore, and this is causing a problem. There's

37:12

always something better out there. All right, here's something

37:15

controversial. No sex. At least

37:19

for a month. Like, if the person waits on you, they may actually

37:23

want to get to know you. Now, 90% of the people listening to this

37:26

podcast are having sex. Statistically, it's just

37:30

true. So let's be practical here, folks. I know it's a christian

37:33

dating app, and no, we're not supposed to have sex, but guess what? We are.

37:37

But I'm telling you, those that are listening, you wonder why

37:41

you blow through people. Sometimes it's the

37:44

sex has been brought, the genie is out of the bottle, and

37:48

if somebody isn't willing to wait to get to know

37:52

you, they're not willing to wait. That's a great litmus

37:56

test. Don't have sex early, and your

37:59

relationships will go a lot better. A lot better.

38:03

Have effective communication strategies. What's up?

38:07

What are your weekend plans? Those are not healthy signs of

38:11

communication. Good morning. Hey, cutie. Get to

38:14

know each other. See who really leans in with

38:18

you. Sporadic little texting is

38:22

not relationship building. If somebody can't be in a good

38:25

adult conversation, offer to have a video date with you and get to

38:29

know you. They're not your person. And listen,

38:33

culture matters. Not race.

38:37

Culture. I tell my kids this all the time. I really don't

38:40

care about the race you date. I don't think it matters. But

38:44

culture does matter. I'm going to give you a story of two

38:48

white people that I know of. One was from

38:51

Ireland, where it's wet and cold, and the other was from

38:54

Arizona. They met in college, and they got married, and

38:58

they moved back to Ireland. Well, back for him, not for

39:02

her. She was miserable. She didn't know

39:05

people. She didn't like the food, and quite frankly, she didn't like being

39:09

wet. And they moved because of the strain they put on their

39:13

marriage. They moved back to Arizona, and guess who was

39:16

unhappy there? The guy. This has nothing to do with race. This

39:20

is culture. They grew up in different cultures, and it was a lot harder to

39:24

mesh than they would ever thought. Because when you're in love, you think love

39:27

conquers all. Beware of culture, of the person you're

39:31

dating and who and what they are and what their family is,

39:34

because those are really hard to mesh. Sometimes. To navigate

39:38

this stage of singleness, you must understand the importance

39:42

of patience, trust, and surrendering to

39:46

God's timing in the dating process. Now, I want to

39:49

end where we began today. Most all of you

39:53

listening need more work on yourself

39:56

before you get out there. If you are not in

40:00

regular counseling or have never been,

40:04

I venture to say you are not ready. You aren't

40:07

healthy enough to date. Seriously, take time to

40:11

heal. It will make everything else go way

40:15

smoother later. Also, as

40:18

negative and time consuming and frustrating as online

40:22

dating can be, do have fun. I'm a big

40:25

believer in testing and training your relationship

40:29

muscles. We'll talk more about dating and finding your next partner

40:32

in a future episode. This one was more of the

40:36

navigating dating apps episode and

40:40

to throw warning shots away. If you want to see what

40:44

my personal dating manifesto looks like and maybe

40:47

consider writing something for yourself, just go to

40:51

clydeturner.com divorce

40:55

and tell a friend about this podcast. It really helps when you

40:58

subscribe, rate and review this podcast. So if you

41:02

want more help with your online dating, maybe your profiles

41:06

or to go look at my dating manifesto that I put up,

41:09

go to toddturner.com divorce where you can get

41:13

more things to help you on your singleness journey, your divorce

41:17

journey. Maybe you are ready to date and let's just go a little bit deeper.

41:20

All right, blessings. See you soon.