Hey everyone, hope you’re doing well. This is episode 40 of the vertebrae podcast; a podcast that was born out of an intention that I might live my life more in alignment, across every area of my life… that my work didn’t feel disconnected from my spirituality; that my friendships didn’t feel disconnected from my family; that our finances weren’t out of alignment with our dreams… We all have these vertebrae in our lives that are central to who we are. Parts of our personality, parts of our story, our ego – where we work, what we know, how we look, how well we perform, etc. And if we’re not careful, over time, we run the risk of these vertebrae slipping, like a bulging disc or something that starts small, maybe even indiscernible, but over time begins to affect your posture, and then how you sleep, and then how you carry yourself… and the rest of your body compensates and tries to work with it, but over time this tiny little piece that isn’t aligned begins to negatively affect all these different areas of your life.    So this podcast over the last year has just been a series of check-ins… like a visit to the chiropractor, where little adjustments can be made. New ideas introduced. Stubborn parts of our lives cracked and popped and maybe feeling a bit of relief for a short while.    The last few months have been surprising to me. I’ve been surprised by how much has changed. I’ve been surprised by how much anxiety I’ve felt; for the first time in my life. I’ve been surprised by how much I love my kids, and how much I like being around them. I’ve been surprised by new relationships forming and new dreams beginning to take shape… And so I haven’t shared much here, because I’ve been face-to-face with life, with very little time to sit back and reflect. But somehow, miraculously, this week is very open. Very few appointments, very few strategy meetings or presentations and so today I began to write and reflect and I think I have something to share.    I want to talk today about anxiety. And not with any clinical expertise or medical advice, but simply from my first-hand experience over the last 6 weeks.    Up to this point in my life, 32 years in, I’ve never really experienced anxiety. I’ve had seasons of worry. I’ve had days when I couldn’t stop obsessing over some future thing. I’ve had irrational fears over things I can’t control… But this anxiety that reared its head just after Christmas was different.    It had a physical element to it — where I had no appetite, where I could feel my heart racing, where I could feel this “fight or flight” feeling engaged at all times of the day and all times of the night. Nothing I did would take it down. Prayer wouldn’t work, alcohol wouldn’t work, meditation wouldn’t work, CBD oil wouldn’t work, working less wouldn’t work… It was just there. This uninvited guest. A little ball of fire in my chest, constricting me, consuming my thoughts. It was wild to experience.    And my wife was incredibly compassionate towards me because she’s lived with anxiety her entire life. She resisted saying “See?! this is what it’s like!” and sometimes she didn’t resist it and she just said that… which was always great. But in all honesty—it has been helpful for me to develop compassion for her and others like her… Anxiety never made sense to me, and I never had much grace for it until now. I would try to talk her out of it and race on to the next thing, but when there’s a physiological affect happening, it’s impossible to ignore and it’s not a quick ball of yarn to unravel.    The first piece of this that I want to quickly address is how much a physical thing this was, and how much our physical selves can increase or decrease something like anxiety. Anxiety’s this little Sonic the hedgehog thing where it can just keep spinning itself up into more and more furor… And the things we do physically can make it worse and worse. We sleep poorly, so we drink more caffeine, so we have a headache, so we take acetaminophen, and we have no appetite, and we just put our bodies through the ringer, not allowing the thing to unwind and unravel and slow down and coax ourselves into moments of physical rest… breathing exercises, deepening and slowing… Our bodies subconsciously telling our brains that we’re safe; that everything is ok… That there’s not a tiger in the bushes, and it can begin to take the edge off.   One of the hilarious things I realized on day 4 or 5 of my anxiety rollercoaster was that I had been taking Sudafed the whole time. Even a quick Google says point-blank "Pseudoephedrine may also cause side effects including: Fear. Anxiety. Tenseness.” Who knew? Probably you, and shut up. But I had a cold, and I’m so focused on efficiency and performance that I’m happy to use drugs that promise to help. I was just thinking about breathing better with Sudafed, not realizing that it was adding to my feelings of physical tension. The first day I realized that it began to help me come down a bit.    The point being that sometimes we unknowingly are doing things to perpetuate our negative situation. Sometimes what we're eating or drinking or consuming (consuming including Netflix or Instagram or whatever) can affect us in pretty significant ways. As soon as I cut out the stimulants, it was the beginning of things resolving.     The next piece of this was me taking stock of everything that had been going on in my life. Maybe for some of you this comes naturally… where you always have an inventory of your heart and how you’re feeling about things, but not me. I can go weeks without articulating a “feeling” that I’m feeling. I can feel all the feelings… I can laugh and cry and worry and celebrate… but the narrative in my mind is never, “I feel sad right now.” or “That idea makes me nervous” or “I’m so in love with that person.”    So as a result, I can have a lot of things happen to me, and I can respond to them however I do (good, bad or indifferent) but I don’t tend to then break down and process all those experiences… It’s very similar to last episode’s “Of course…” Being able to name all the crazy that’s going on in your life and give yourself the grace to acknowledge that yes, perhaps all these changes might make me feel anxious.    Over the last 6 months, one of my best friend’s was fired from our church, my role there changed significantly—which we still haven’t announced publicly, we had our third child, we hired more team-members to our branding agency, we’ve had high-publicity clients with lots of stress, my sister-in-law is in the hospital in pre-term labor, Lily’s diabetes has been challenging…    It’s like, “yeah. That could create some anxiety in your life. That could formulate into some concern for what’s next.”    When I don’t keep account of all that’s going on, and actually name things like I just did, I can feel disoriented when I’m feeling stressed or anxious and can’t figure out why. Again, that might seem crazy to you, but maybe you understand where I’m coming from.    And then I signed up for counseling. I had been hearing about “better help.com” on different podcasts I’d listen to and thought I’d check it out, and it’s been really helpful. Simply the questions she asks me and the space she creates for me to verbally process. Again, that’s no surprise to anyone that talking with a counselor is helpful… One of the most important things she does is validate what needs to be validated and poke holes in the things that need to be deconstructed. It can be lonely to be inside your own head all the time…    And I guess we’re all tormented by different things over the course of our lives. What affects me, others could breeze through, and vice versa. Some people are hard-wired for home-life and dealing with kids all the time, and that’s not a natural wiring I have. That’s something I’ve been learning over the last 7-8 years. And it’s a practice that I have to practice.    With my wiring I could easily be on Wallstreet, making millions of dollars, addicted to coke, obsessed with material possessions… all the worst side of America wrapped up in precious little Enneagram 3 me.    So slowing down, asking for help, pressing into my family, taking account of everything going on in my life… that’s kryptonite for my ego but much needed medicine for my soul.    So… I don’t know where you’re at, and I don’t need to. I hope something I’ve shared here has been helpful, or triggered a thought of something else helpful you’ve learned over the years. My commitment to you remains the same: I’m going to share here whenever I’m inspired, and never when I’m not.    Today I’m inspired. Today I’m excited about tomorrow. Today I’m dreaming about the future of the church; the future of our business; the future of raising our family and traveling around the world. I’m excited to put past seasons to rest. To celebrate them, to grieve the passage of time, and to move forward, like humans have done for thousands of years.    I love you guys, if it was helpful pass it along to a friend. Make it a good day.