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impact. Well

2:06

hello everybody

2:10

and welcome to

2:12

What's What's What's

2:28

What's What's

4:00

Katie are in the same building

4:02

and they haven't really like mentioned that on the

4:04

shows. Well, God forbid, God

4:06

forbid I get excited about something in this

4:08

world because apparently this was discussed

4:10

in a band of print rules after show.

4:13

And apparently there were people who watched that.

4:16

And apparently, if you

4:18

don't watch it, you are, you are

4:21

below even human status

4:23

because all week long,

4:26

Ben, this was discussed actually on

4:28

the after show. Like, how did you not even see that?

4:30

Like you need to start watching the after show because you

4:32

can't just like be saying things like this was like we

4:34

already already knew this. So

4:37

I apologize. Littoral idiot, Ben. I

4:39

apologize for being late to the housing,

4:43

housing gossip circuit for Kristin and

4:45

Katie. This is apparently very public

4:47

news. And the thing I was very excited about

4:50

everyone already knew about. And so

4:52

I hang my head in shame as

4:54

a failed podcaster. There you

4:56

have my heart. Listen, they're putting

4:58

a lot on these after shows. It's like their version

5:01

of Patreon, you know, as what they're doing. And they're

5:03

like, Oh, if you don't watch, if you don't watch

5:05

this on the after show or you don't watch Peacock,

5:07

you don't get these scenes. If you don't watch the

5:09

after show, you don't know this stuff. I'm sorry. I

5:11

get this channel enough of my time. But

5:13

yeah, I'm math. Okay. And we would

5:16

love to be watching the show on Peacock because

5:18

we missed a scene of James's mother last week.

5:20

And listen, I love

5:22

a vile person on my

5:24

television. I love it. She

5:27

is one of the most interesting

5:29

character studies in a long time. I

5:32

didn't abuse you. You were raised in the

5:34

Tiffany's. I

5:37

would have loved to have seen that, but they didn't

5:39

show it in the regular episode. And there's some things

5:41

we miss because of screeners and stuff like that, which

5:43

is how you're listening to this in the morning. Some

5:46

of you instead of waiting for a full day for

5:48

us to turn it around. So, you

5:50

know, whatever it is, what it is. When

5:53

I'm old and older and drier, I

5:55

will rewatch all of this show again.

5:57

But for now we get the regular.

6:00

poor people version, the Arizona

6:02

Bravo. And the

6:05

one where you have to do your own detective

6:07

work to find out which people are living in

6:09

which building. So either

6:12

way, no, for in all honesty, yeah, no,

6:14

I definitely did not see the after shows.

6:16

So I miss that. And it

6:18

is kind of hilarious. I was so excited to

6:20

announce like information that like a lot of people

6:22

already knew. And it's like information for no one

6:24

really cared about, but then like the

6:27

moment, honestly, the moment that I announced it, a

6:29

lot of hand-wringing over information I could give two

6:31

fucks about. I don't care where those people are

6:34

going. And might as well, by the

6:36

way, What building to avoid? It's like

6:38

the fucking IRS building. And

6:40

I guess let's just like nip this one in the bud. I don't think

6:43

we have to wait until Monday to do this. Real

6:45

Housewives of Potomac, there's a lot of

6:47

discussion about Mia using an IUD. Apparently

6:49

she's an IUI, which is a totally

6:51

different thing. So we

6:53

got that one too. So thank you. Got

6:56

lots of IOUs. There's a lot going on

6:58

with me on that show. That

7:00

was not something that was on the after

7:02

show for Potomac. That was just on the show

7:04

and we miss it. I was just for ignorant

7:06

penis owning people who don't understand a lot of

7:08

things. She says IUI,

7:10

I hear IUD and hilarity ensues. Okay,

7:17

so here we go. This

7:20

is VPR, the gay

7:22

baiting episode. That's what I like to call it.

7:26

Nice queer baiting going on on Vanderpump

7:28

Rules. Very popular this year on Bravo.

7:30

We've got Kyle with Morgan Wade.

7:32

We've got Katie with Sheena's five

7:34

year old fucking, or 15 year old

7:36

nanny, whatever the hell's going on over

7:38

there. So let's get into it.

7:42

Yeah, let's get into our own little

7:44

Vanderpump Rules salt burn episode. So

7:47

Ariana, so

7:50

it's very quiet. The episode, we

7:52

don't get the opening music, which is just

7:54

like silence as we see the logo, see

7:57

the beach, we're still on beach day. And

8:00

Ariana's sitting there in the sand in the tent and

8:02

she's like, you guys like He's

8:04

fucking sucks. Like literally what's up with this?

8:07

Why don't you guys realize he's the worst

8:09

and Bronx like well I think this cause

8:11

encase rated and he's sitting there in the

8:13

corner. She's like, uh, I disagree

8:15

He's literally throwing jabs at me and

8:17

he's not castrated. And by the way, he

8:20

is not castrated He is going out living

8:22

his best life Going

8:24

on to other reality shows becoming friends

8:26

with the jungle see my man doing

8:28

his his Show like

8:31

capitalize off of it. This

8:33

is not a castrated when he

8:35

just became friends with Jojo see what? Takes

8:39

a lot of balls to want to be around that much volume

8:46

Yeah, Brock, please be quiet, okay There's a

8:49

lot of jazz we could be throwing you

8:51

right now that just I'm just too tired

8:53

But honestly, this is not your place to

8:56

be telling someone to just get the fuck

8:58

over it. Okay, miss You know mister living

9:00

in a completely different country than the person

9:03

He committed to and had children with okay

9:07

So Ariana's like yeah, fuck

9:09

that guy and he's like

9:11

you guys are going tit for tat. No He

9:14

went for tit She

9:18

went to a funeral Yeah, I really

9:20

understand how you're gonna bring You're

9:22

gonna keep bringing this person around her and then

9:24

allow him to sit there and be like she

9:26

never cleaned up her cap And

9:29

expect her not to flip out on him and

9:31

I'm really glad she finally got to have this

9:33

moment where she's like Well

9:36

first she cries and she's well just the basic moment

9:38

where she's like, what the fuck you guys what am

9:40

I supposed to do? What do you think I'm gonna

9:42

do? It's like exactly what the fuck do you think

9:44

I'm gonna do? right

9:48

remember Remember

9:50

when on real house was to Beverly

9:52

Hills this past season when

9:55

Anne Marie Was

9:57

like making us think about sudden esophagus

9:59

at that dinner party and she

10:01

was like I've just like never heard of that beat.

10:03

Remember that? Remember that? That was such a... No.

10:06

But remember when that... remember when that that

10:09

show... remember when that episode aired? When she

10:11

was like questioning Sudden Sesophagus. Remember that? I

10:13

remember how we were all like what the

10:16

fuck? We didn't talk about it

10:18

enough. I completely forgot about it. But

10:20

it was like what? Like we

10:22

all got annoyed. That was like about three months

10:25

ago. Maybe even more than three months ago.

10:28

That was such an annoying storyline. Still mad,

10:30

right? Guess what? Still mad. This scene

10:32

here with Ariana was like three months

10:34

after the reunion. I'm saying this to

10:36

illustrate how quickly time flies and like

10:38

if someone said to me right now

10:40

like Ben you have to stop being

10:43

annoyed about that esophagus fight. I'd

10:45

be like no it's I'm I'm still

10:47

in the annoyance window. Like I'm allowed. So

10:49

I think that like Ariana is

10:51

allowed to still be going tit for tat even

10:54

though she's not going to tit for tat. I

10:56

think she's allowed to be angry and rageful about

10:58

what Tom Sandoval did because like if

11:01

we're all gonna still be mad at

11:03

things that happened on Real Housewives of

11:05

Beverly Hills three months ago let alone

11:07

things that happened on anything that happened

11:09

on Bravo two years ago then I

11:12

think we're allowed to give Ariana a

11:14

three-month period of being angry at Tom

11:17

Sandoval. Well also

11:19

you just don't bring him to the

11:21

same exact places to say

11:23

like sure beats picnic and let's just see how this

11:25

goes. It's gonna be great. Hey why are you so

11:27

mad? Why are you so mad? Now I

11:31

guess that they're both at work as well and

11:33

they have to shoot a show and etc etc

11:35

but you know in that case bring Rand to

11:37

the picnic. I need to know Rand's opinions. Exactly

11:40

because you know Ariana like the point

11:42

that you've made. We haven't had an update

11:46

from Shay in a while. Let's get Shay on the

11:48

show guys. Yeah because like you

11:51

made the point that like yes

11:53

it's unfair that Ariana has to be around

11:55

her ex but a show still has to

11:57

be shot and like the cast can't be

11:59

divided. Well now, Ariana's showing up, and this is not

12:01

anything to push back on you. I'm just saying, Ariana

12:04

is like begrudgingly like, okay, I will

12:06

do my task. I will do, I'm

12:09

shooting with him, but now you also want me

12:11

to be like, happy? Don't have to be around

12:13

him? Like, no, of course not. And so for

12:15

Brock to come in and say, well, he's been

12:17

castrated. It's like not, not

12:19

enough, I'd say. Not enough. Yeah.

12:22

He could be castrated and he'd still be,

12:24

he'd still fill out a pair of budget

12:26

smugglers better than you probably. Speaking

12:31

of castrated. So, uh, yeah,

12:34

you know, I think what you're saying is you

12:36

just really can't win the situation. Like, okay. Oh,

12:38

so you refuse to be around him. We don't

12:40

have a show. Oh, so you are around him.

12:42

Well, now you're a bitch. So,

12:44

you know, I guess it's the no

12:46

win, the no win situation. Now as

12:48

a viewer, it does get like, okay,

12:51

well, I'm just sick of watching people

12:53

scream at each other and fight. But you

12:55

know what? As a viewer to another viewer,

12:57

as myself to myself, I say, then go

13:00

watch another channel because what you're in for

13:02

on this channel. So enjoy it. And

13:04

this was like the Ariana is vulnerable episode to

13:06

certain degree, right? In a little bit. So she's

13:09

basically like, look, I'm allowed to feel a certain

13:11

sort of way because he did this shit to

13:13

me. I never did anything to him. You know,

13:16

she says this man not only tried to ruin me,

13:18

but now she's saying whatever he possibly can to make

13:20

it seem like I'm a horrible partner. And this is

13:23

the type of conversations he has about me with all

13:25

the people are present than fuck any of y'all who

13:27

aren't telling him to shut up. Yeah.

13:30

And so, uh, Schwartz

13:32

is like, Hey, how high? I saw it's

13:34

just me. Yeah. It's a sweet boy. Tom

13:36

Schwartz never does anything. Where am I? Am

13:38

I wearing any makeup right now? Uh, okay.

13:40

Well, I'm going to go to the bar

13:42

cause you know, maybe things should cool off

13:44

with crazy pants over there. Whoa. Did I

13:46

say that all up? Hi, just someone to

13:48

jeopardize the five guys. And she was like,

13:50

okay. Okay. Bye. Bye.

13:52

Bye. Bye. And

13:56

then he just quiets down cause there's a

13:58

fucking good boy act is wearing. so

14:00

thin at this point and

14:03

so he looks at Katie like

14:05

and she just stares back at

14:07

him like stupid go die

14:10

run stupid die in the sand I hope a

14:12

dune sandworm come to mix you up before you

14:14

get to the bar you've got to finish that

14:16

book I do I do

14:19

every time I sit down and

14:21

I just want to do something

14:23

else really got her first that

14:25

book so the times walk away

14:27

and Santa was like oh Ariana

14:29

getting emotional so you know Ariana

14:32

still like you know he doesn't

14:34

get it like you know I didn't

14:37

do this and while I was like yes but

14:39

like if you were to face to use something

14:41

like I don't want to say shit to me

14:43

I want to jump in the fucking ocean she's

14:46

like but then he has no way of winnings

14:48

no he doesn't have a fucking wave winning what

14:51

does he need to win he cheated

14:53

he's an asshole and now he just

14:56

needs to go away that's it that's

14:58

winning is going away so

15:01

now the Tom's are at a bar and Santa

15:03

Paul's like hey do you have something that's like

15:05

frozen and delicious that's like not alcoholic I'm sort

15:07

of like turning over a new leap right now

15:09

dude ha and shorts

15:11

is like oh you

15:13

guys need to get out of that house together

15:15

I mean don't say I signed the adoption papers

15:18

and I paid for it I mean

15:25

it's like Ariana I paid for everything else

15:27

in my relationship so does that mean everything

15:29

else is mine everything

15:31

the house needs like toilet paper to

15:34

trash bags the pens the batteries the

15:36

erasers the eraser like replacements like the

15:38

invisible ink pens you know like the

15:41

ones you can like erasable ink you

15:43

know like all the different types of

15:45

pens like literally every single thing from

15:48

the stationary island target like I bought

15:50

that for us yeah

15:52

he thinks like going

15:54

to a Walgreens makes

15:57

him right in every situation like I know where

16:00

the Walgreens is, you know, so we

16:02

know who does that step. Anyway, it's fucking Ann.

16:05

We know you don't Yeah, shit Tom. Have you

16:07

forgotten this entire season is showing us what you

16:09

really do, which is nothing I mean granted you

16:11

pay someone to do it. So that's something but

16:14

Shut up. So when you're earlier Sandoval

16:16

is we see the argument of Well,

16:20

the last time you went to the

16:22

store about toilet paper or batteries And

16:25

I also like that he keeps specifying the

16:27

pens in the drawer because that is such

16:29

a thing like where's the pen? How do I

16:31

have 97 pens and I can't find one

16:33

of the pen drawer He's little

16:35

literally acting like he is running like an

16:38

old-timey Like office

16:40

full of secretaries that all need to write in

16:42

shorthand Like the

16:44

pens in the drawer keep this place alive.

16:46

Like I'm pretty sure in this digital landscape

16:48

There's not a lot of need for pens

16:50

in the drawer at the Sandoval household It's

16:53

a job that hasn't been important like in

16:55

decades America's

17:00

hero stocking the pens and all the

17:02

tours For all the

17:05

note taking needs one needs. Oh

17:07

gosh Okay, so the producers like you got destroyed

17:09

on the internet for saying that you always stock

17:11

the batteries and the toilet paper Why are you

17:13

bringing it up again? And he's like, oh god,

17:15

I just think like Ariana's gonna be like

17:17

in for it Like when she's like alone

17:20

living on her own. She's like where's the

17:22

pens? That's what I'm saying During

17:25

just bringing it up again is because the

17:27

man learns no lessons. He learned

17:29

you know lessons That's how he can go

17:31

on stage over and over and still not

17:33

hit a note. The man doesn't learn Alright,

17:36

you know I have to say one of

17:38

my favorite episodes of scared straight is when

17:40

teenagers have to go to the drugstore and

17:42

buy pencils For themselves for the first time

17:44

and like when they realized The

17:47

task and the responsibility they're in and

17:50

how they change their lives Wow. He's

17:52

right. Sandoval's right. She does not know what she's in for So

17:58

back at the beach Brooks And

18:01

she was like, well, sorry, he's coming to the bar. And

18:05

they're talking about Tory now. Like suddenly Tory is

18:08

the thing. I think the producers were like, what

18:10

are we doing with this season? Nothing's happening. Culturian.

18:14

Call Joe in, get these people in. And now

18:16

we're supposed to pretend like they've been story lines

18:18

the whole season. I know. Like I'm

18:21

OK with the Joe thing, but the Tory

18:23

thing just really feels like a strange, a

18:26

strange thing that's been thrown into the mix.

18:28

I'm honestly, I'm not going to cosign it.

18:30

I don't love the Tory storyline. I just

18:32

don't love the Tory storyline either. And I

18:34

feel like it's just a younger show. And

18:37

Tom and Katie are giving me creepy Swinger

18:39

couple on vacation vibes where they're just like

18:41

coming onto someone way too young, sitting on

18:43

either side of her, like, hey, who do

18:45

you like better? Yeah.

18:48

Yeah. We smoked a cigarette before, honey.

18:52

Honey, you like bowling. I like bowling.

18:54

It's like, what? You're both fucking

18:56

creeps. I know that they think like dating

18:59

a 15 year old at

19:01

the same time makes him like look hip and

19:03

cool, but it really just makes them look like

19:05

they need to be driving a beat up old

19:07

white van around the park. It's creepy. I don't

19:09

like it. Yeah, I

19:11

just thought it just it just

19:14

as Tory is this person just been kind of like

19:16

inserted onto the show, like Joe, at least there is

19:18

like a track record. There's a history there. Also, Joe,

19:20

I think it's just more interesting than Tory. Tory is

19:22

just kind of like generic

19:25

LA wannabe

19:27

reality star, which one

19:30

could say that about this entire cast at

19:32

one point, but she really is like she

19:34

just is inserted in and suddenly is just

19:36

going to like truly go

19:38

for long, low hanging fruit. So why

19:40

don't we go back? The rest of the

19:43

cast, I don't think was like that because

19:45

back in that time, they were like, we're

19:47

not reality people. We are actors. We're

19:49

like serious actors. I can't even believe I'm

19:51

doing reality. Like remember Ariana didn't

19:53

want to do it because she's a real actor.

19:56

And neither did Jack. Sex is like I'm a

19:58

real actor. So they look down on. doing it.

20:00

But that being said, Stasi had this

20:02

in her company business. This

20:04

girl grew up on this. Right. Well, Stasi,

20:06

yeah. But most of the cast. But this

20:08

girl actually grew up watching Van der Fronten

20:10

for roles and this is like her in.

20:12

It's like all I have to do is

20:14

bang Katie and Schwartz. It's not worth it.

20:17

Don't find another show. You're

20:21

going to bang Link and what

20:24

would we say she looked like? I

20:26

don't even know who we compared her

20:28

to last week. Like a back of

20:30

Thomas's English Muffins. I

20:34

don't know. So specific. I know. But

20:36

for some reason, that's the energy she was giving

20:38

in that denim. It worked. It does

20:40

work. Yeah. It's sort of like the roughly

20:43

like the plastic. I don't know. So I

20:45

mean, she didn't look anything like it, but

20:47

it just that was the energy. So

20:50

Tory's coming and James like, I think

20:52

that short sick lips. That's not good.

20:54

And she

20:56

was like, yeah. And

20:59

she was like, what are you laughing? That's and she's

21:02

like, because I know the true story. I know

21:05

I don't have the best track record with like matchmaking,

21:07

but like I feel like now that Katie is like

21:09

totally over Schwartz and like might be OK to like

21:11

set him up again. So like naturally I like introduce

21:13

him to like my former nanny door. Isn't

21:15

Dory her cousin? Tory

21:20

is I think just a good friend because her. Yeah.

21:23

Oh, I thought Tory was her cousin or something.

21:26

So anyway, former nanny man,

21:28

people just can't get their jobs on this

21:30

show. Poor thing. And well, remember,

21:32

and to her it was hired for it was hired

21:34

for like another one of her clients had like a

21:36

newborn baby. It's like Tory had to go work for

21:38

them and said, yeah, like Tory didn't

21:40

know the baby was coming. I don't know

21:42

that I would be present Tory, you know,

21:44

takes a nanny job, not remembering that her

21:46

other nanny job is about to splurge

21:50

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21:52

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games. So

23:11

we see six days earlier, Tori's like, oh my god,

23:13

Shana, you should help me go on a date. And

23:16

Shana, Shana's like, yeah, well, I mean, if you want

23:18

to make out for Schwartz, just go make out for

23:20

Schwartz. And she goes, oh my god. Just

23:24

so you know, Schwartz, this is at the

23:27

club everybody's been talking about all over town,

23:29

Hotel Ziggy. She's like, Schwartz,

23:31

just so you know, I

23:33

think you're a whore. Back

23:36

to present, but clearly I misjudged things

23:38

because when Katie heard about it, she

23:41

was like, um, no, Tori should like

23:43

date me instead. And

23:45

we go back to another flashback at Hotel Ziggy of

23:47

Katie saying to Tori, or Tori's saying to Katie,

23:49

oh my god, I fucking love

23:52

your hair. Yeah. Which

23:55

is like, sorry. Tori's like

23:57

a mosquito at a screen door in the

23:59

summer. She's just looking for a way

24:01

in she doesn't care. She's like she'll just keep

24:03

bumping up at looking for like a little crack

24:07

Squeeze away and she's gonna get there So

24:10

she was like, um, but all this parent love

24:12

and worry with Katie and shorts all you got

24:15

love and war So

24:25

now we're back at the

24:27

bar that's by the beach and shorts like oh Hold

24:30

on Katie's calling me. She's calling me. We're falling

24:32

down So

24:35

Katie calls from the beach and it's like you

24:37

left all your stuff here Yeah, but it was

24:39

for the greater cause what cause

24:41

huh for Arians feelings the whole vibe of the

24:43

beach I got kind of a lot of there I

24:46

was feeling hold on a wave is coming in

24:48

the wave says He's

24:55

like, okay, but you know, you know, I'm just a

24:57

vibe saver this means my superpower, you know Saving

24:59

vibes, but thanks for grabbing my stuff. I

25:02

really appreciate it. She goes, um, I'm not

25:04

grabbing anything This is me letting you know

25:06

that it's down here. Bye I

25:13

really enjoyed that move by her. You

25:15

have to come all the way back out to the beach to

25:18

get your shitty things So

25:23

then everyone goes to the bar And

25:26

we get an episode of let's watch these people who don't want

25:28

to hang out with each other be forced to hang out So

25:31

in a different configuration now, so Lala

25:33

is like, oh my god, this place

25:35

is stock yet Yeah,

25:38

that's just it's not so yeah, yeah

25:41

cute and then Santa ball

25:44

There's like a group of girls sort of sitting in one

25:46

area There's basically two rooms and there's like the Santa ball

25:48

room and there's the rest of the cast room So in

25:50

the Santa ball room, he's there with the

25:53

ball room is like the Chuck E cheese It's like

25:55

where the Steve all machines and the children are like,

25:58

is there anybody that is gonna be forwarded? with

26:00

on this show today that's not in high

26:03

school. It's

26:06

like where the double dragon arcade games are.

26:08

So seriously, it's like, All right, well, do

26:10

you guys be mean all you want to?

26:12

I'll be over here in the ball pit

26:14

with these girls. Okay,

26:16

who here wants a round of Diet Coke and

26:18

pizza? So

26:21

she's like, sup, guys, I'm Tom. He says that they're

26:24

the girls. And one girl, of course, goes, hi,

26:26

I'm Madison. Because, of course, her name is Madison.

26:29

And I was like, Madison, what would you

26:31

like to get your friends around of Sprite

26:33

Mountain Dew, Diet Coke? It's on me,

26:35

man. Shirley

26:39

Temple, whoa, big spender there,

26:41

Mads. I got a bunch of quarters if

26:44

you guys want to play Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles over there. Such

26:47

a fun game. So then Tori

26:49

comes, hi, everybody, Tori's here. So

26:51

Tori goes to the other group and

26:54

she sees Santa Vol toasting the newbies. And

26:57

he's like, all right, to Venice to

26:59

San and laughter and continued happily

27:02

ever after. I'm

27:04

a musician, cheers. And

27:07

so then Tori shows up and Schwartz is

27:09

joking. He goes, oh God, my girlfriend's here.

27:12

And she's like, are you gonna involve me

27:14

in a conversation? That was

27:16

acting, I'm an actress, trained. Trained in the

27:18

Stella Archimonde Theater. Not Stella

27:20

Archimonde. Kidding girls, kidding girls. Oh my God,

27:22

that was like so funny. I was like,

27:25

that's like so dramatic. But then you were

27:27

kidding. Yeah, you guys, I'm just totally kidding.

27:31

I'm in the Ooda Hagen School. So

27:35

Schwartz is like, so then

27:37

Schwartz is like, oh,

27:40

okay, I'd offer you a drink but I can't remember

27:42

what you like. And she

27:44

sort of gives him this look like, mm-hmm.

27:46

And he goes, you like tequila? And she

27:48

rolls her eyes and goes, no, no, no.

27:51

You like champagne? And then she mugs to

27:53

the camera like, sure do. I was like,

27:55

could you please turn off your sitcom 101

27:58

acting class for us, please? Please get

28:00

your Zoe Disney

28:03

acting ass off my so

28:05

please yeah, that's like to

28:07

the camera like shappers

28:09

it is It's worth

28:11

is doing like wow look at me

28:13

like just nagging people and like Suggesting

28:15

that I only have eyes for Katie

28:18

by suggesting that this girl only likes

28:20

tequila And then on winter house

28:22

when I kept calling that other girl Katie

28:24

the whole time. Oh god we get it

28:27

So annoying so Tori's like

28:29

so he can ask me out on

28:32

a date Are you just gonna send a fire

28:34

emojis my right America?

28:39

Cue the wacky neighbor coming in Come

28:43

on, Joe sees you get in here. Wait.

28:45

Are you saying that this isn't a date?

28:48

She's like now the bitsy wanted you to do

28:50

what you want to go on a date with me

28:52

She's okay. She was the going on a date. We're

28:54

going on a date She

28:57

like bugs the camera like it's gonna freeze and go to

29:00

commercial It's

29:02

like ma'am. You're not on the sitcom so

29:04

now We'll go down Katie's watching this from the

29:06

other room from adult room, and so she's like

29:10

So she leads the she leads and goes over

29:12

to cock block Don't

29:21

worry about us time mean mean this

29:23

mean this girl just talking right honey,

29:25

right? This is my day Katie

29:28

you didn't buy her this bottle of champagne.

29:30

She's not even champagne

29:33

that's It's

29:39

not champagne that comes

29:42

only things that are made in champagne are allowed

29:44

to be called champagne that was made in I

29:52

Was like I don't know if Katie's really into tour here

29:54

if she just wants to compete with me and prove that

29:56

she's better Yeah, well if

29:58

he doesn't like me taking girls from him

30:01

then he should like try

30:04

harder. I

30:06

think someone wants to talk to you by the

30:08

way Schwartz. Oh sorry I was

30:11

letting my previous disdain noise. I

30:13

was interrupting my previous disdain. Hold

30:15

on let me let it finish. Okay

30:18

there we go. Schwartz

30:20

I think someone over there wants to talk

30:22

to you her name is like Madison or

30:24

Madison or maybe it's Madison. You're ignoring her.

30:27

You're being rude. He's like okay.

30:30

So it just goes over to the teenagers. And

30:33

then Katie continues her flirting with Tori and

30:35

at first Tori's like I mean I felt

30:37

like Tori's vibe was like uh

30:40

one minute she's with Schwartz like oh my god we're going

30:42

on a date and then Katie comes over she's like hi

30:45

but then it changed in the next scene. So

30:48

then James is playing cornhole because what else

30:50

would he do and then Brock

30:52

is playing ping pong with Ali Bali and

30:55

they're making small talk he's like yeah go

30:57

on these siblings just now. Well

30:59

how'd you like that? I love that.

31:03

Ali Bali isn't it amazing that we're

31:05

playing cornhole and ping pong with us

31:08

playing over here. Damn

31:11

it so far we're going south to west. Stop

31:14

it. There's a big thing I

31:16

don't know if it's just on Bravo shows but

31:18

there seems to be a big thing going on

31:20

in LA right now where they're like adults. Adults

31:22

like playing games that kids like because they had

31:24

that they're here today then they were at the

31:27

circus place on the valley and then remember they

31:29

were at the other circus fair place here a

31:32

couple weeks ago or a few weeks

31:34

ago on that date with Joe where Joe was like oh

31:36

my god what do you have carnival games here? I

31:40

have carnival. Um Ronnie this was

31:42

addressed on the after show so no

31:45

I'm just kidding uh yeah I

31:47

think it's just like maybe after the

31:49

trauma of the past like four years

31:52

people just want to like nostalgic favorites

31:54

you know to get them through the

31:56

day. That's fair. That's fair. Yeah.

31:59

So Lala is like Ariana Grande. us we

32:01

know you can't control Tom but

32:03

like what he does and how he acts

32:05

you can only control yourself but like do

32:07

you feel like there's unresolved feelings like no

32:09

of course not uh lala no unresolved things

32:11

at all she's just really angry

32:13

for the fun of it well you

32:16

understand that lala is just trying to make it about

32:18

her and rand right she's like yes

32:20

she ever feels like he just

32:22

completely just likes you and then when it's

32:24

the time for the audience to finally understand

32:26

what you're going through someone else gets cheated

32:28

on feels your thunder what

32:30

is your feel i totally know what that

32:33

feels like i totally know are

32:36

rihanna do you ever feel like you know ever

32:38

since you were dating your your lovers that you

32:40

were like you now have a distorted

32:42

view of how much is an appropriate amount of fried

32:44

chicken to get at a restaurant because like now i

32:46

don't even know how much i'm supposed to get for

32:48

myself anymore are you really obsessed

32:51

because you don't know what it's

32:53

like to see a piece of fried chicken with that

32:55

full body crits shink anymore so

32:59

uh are you know it's like she's

33:02

like you know i know the amount of anger

33:04

i feel i understand it's not healthy and she's

33:07

yeah i wish there could just be like a

33:09

common conversation where it's like i know i fucked

33:11

up and by the way you know who'd be

33:13

a really great person for dancing with stars would

33:15

be shina marie like i don't know like something

33:18

like that it's not that's not a conversation saying

33:20

i fucked up why why is it like why

33:22

is it such a pat thing like oh my

33:24

god i wish i wish you guys could just

33:26

have a conversation where he says sorry well yeah

33:29

that would that would be great shina that would

33:31

just solve fucking everything wouldn't it she's

33:33

like yeah arianne's like um yeah but he's never

33:36

going to say it he's he's like never even

33:38

said he's fucked up about the main thing yeah

33:40

you know what do you almost feel like when

33:42

you're looking at him it's like you just threw

33:44

me away like i was just nothing because it's

33:46

so funny because that's how i felt with rance

33:48

because like we had a marriage and he just

33:50

like threw me away and i was just like

33:52

wow this is probably gonna break the internet with

33:55

this this storyline should we talk

33:57

about my storyline actually because i'm happy Laryana

34:00

starts crying and she's

34:02

like, yeah, it's like you create a life

34:04

with someone and you get the Hollywood Hills

34:06

mentioned Like read them the way you want

34:09

to and then this happens, you know, it's

34:11

like hearts and there's no guarantees

34:13

of relationships It's gonna work out And

34:16

she's like yeah I mean That's your dream house and you

34:18

brought that house and now let's just get you out of

34:20

that house and who cares about money Or

34:22

you know, like it's all about your house whose side

34:24

are you on and why are you trying to get

34:26

her to move out? Get him to move that I'm

34:29

sorry I can I can see why she wants to throw

34:31

these people off the side of a cliff I

34:33

get the whole like, okay, we're trying to shoot a show

34:36

and we should probably figure out a way to do this

34:38

But to be like you need

34:40

to get out of that house No, how about

34:42

you go advocate to Tom to stop being so

34:44

fucking immature and sell the house? They should absolutely

34:47

So now Ariana's crying. She's really crying. I

34:50

don't think we've really seen her crying At

34:53

all through this process. She's just been you know,

34:55

like understandably very angry And so she's like you're

34:57

right It just it sucks because I put so

34:59

much life and my money and my time into

35:01

making this my dream house And it was my

35:03

dream house and not only did he wreck it

35:05

but the way he wants to act like he's

35:07

somewhat deserving of staying there and he keeps it

35:09

and The digs and

35:11

there's so many pens in our drawers. It's

35:13

actually really annoying. I don't know why And

35:22

She's you know, she reminds them again I

35:24

never did anything to him like everyone's acting

35:26

like this is some war of the roses

35:28

scenario Where we've just been fucking with each

35:31

other for all this time But no like

35:33

he was fucking one of my best friends

35:36

and just fucked me over guys. Okay, let's try

35:38

to keep that in mind So

35:40

she's telling us like I keep

35:42

this armor up because this shit

35:44

is fucking traumatic Okay,

35:47

and so she's trying to find you know She

35:50

doesn't know why everybody else's problem, you know,

35:52

but this guy has no remorse. Yes frustrating

35:55

So Lala's like I mean out of all

35:57

the ways she kind of handled it you've

35:59

taken You just ransacked. And that's

36:01

what she did, girls. Yeah. And

36:05

while

36:08

you're holding those balls and running, maybe if you want

36:10

to put in a call to Dancing with the Stars,

36:12

I don't know. Maybe you could do that. I

36:15

don't know. So you know what? One day, it

36:17

would be nice to open that kitchen counter and

36:19

not find a bunch of big pens when all

36:21

I really want are big razors. So

36:26

now, later at the bar, Tori's talking to

36:28

Katie. And Tori is much warmer now

36:30

because she realizes, oh, I can also just sleep

36:33

with Katie to get on the show, not just

36:35

Schwartz. Mosquitoes and screen doors.

36:37

She was like, oh my god, maybe I can fit

36:39

through this tiny square. Ow. It's

36:42

like when you make a wrong turn when following

36:44

Google Maps and you're like, shit, I missed a

36:46

turn. But it says, this route is also the

36:48

same ETA. You're like, yes. Similar

36:53

ETA. Yeah. So

36:57

Tori was like, so have you

36:59

dated a girl, Katie? And

37:01

she's like, no. Have you had sex with

37:03

a girl? Yeah, it's

37:05

better. Yeah. Well,

37:08

I would never put any kind of

37:10

label on myself. I like

37:12

people. Oh, yeah, that's Katie. Real

37:15

people love her over there. I

37:17

guess I would classify myself as a sexual.

37:25

My pronouns are slash. I'm

37:31

not very. So

37:35

Tori's like, oh my god, you are

37:37

so cute. You're making me seem nervous,

37:40

my being so cute. Why?

37:45

Why? You're

37:49

just like so pretty. Oh

37:51

my god, I want to give you so bad.

37:56

And she's like, yeah, I want to kiss you. And Katie's like, you can

37:58

kiss me. And so they

38:01

kiss and I've had the audience goes The

38:07

second audience the junior high girls

38:09

are like, oh my god, it's that girl from our class

38:11

making out with that old lady But

38:16

no names Thank God for

38:18

James from this show to speak my mind for

38:20

me because I was what is where we what

38:23

is going on Okay, so it's a new

38:25

day, right? So it's

38:28

Joe is there at a hot dog place? Okay,

38:31

they're at a so there's a famous hot dog

38:33

stand here in LA called Tail of the pump

38:36

and it's a giant hot dog stand that shaped like

38:38

a hot dog and I

38:41

don't know why I thought it was just so funny

38:43

and I can't believe we hadn't come to this place

38:45

before on the show But like

38:47

Lala and Joe were having lunch

38:50

a giant hot dog And

38:55

the funny thing is that this hot dog stand

38:57

is architecturally significant which is wild you wouldn't think

38:59

it is But it is like a significant piece

39:01

of architecture because it's like an

39:03

example of a specific type of architecture where the

39:06

building looks like the thing it's purveying

39:09

So I just love them being

39:11

at an architecturally significant oversized hot dog to shoot

39:14

a scene We're

39:16

in oh, let's shoot this. It's

39:19

a Arctic architecturally significant Wow,

39:24

I can't believe that we're showing up at Rand's lunch

39:27

giant So Lala

39:30

comes to lunch with Joe which is super

39:32

weird and Joe's like, oh my

39:34

god, that's the hot dog place I love this place.

39:36

This is a building. It's a building with eyes. It

39:38

looks at a hot dog Am I supposed to eat

39:40

the building? I'll eat the building Joe take your teeth

39:43

up the building Joe So

39:46

you gotta stop doing this Joe, you're never gonna be part

39:48

of the group of the buildings Come on Joe back up

39:50

mustard really does make everything taste better Okay,

39:54

just stop putting mustard on the building not

39:56

good you get yet come on Joe. We

39:59

look like a listening couple We look like a

40:01

lesbian couple together. It's crazy Yeah,

40:04

I was gonna try to push that narrative,

40:06

but then Katie told my soul my storyline

40:08

against so well Am

40:10

I a lipsticks less pence? Like

40:13

oh my god. Yeah Thank you

40:15

so much for coming here. Thank you. Thank you

40:17

for not being a Vaseline lesbian. That would have

40:19

made this more awkward I love lipstick. You're so

40:21

pretty. Hey, thanks for coming here Okay, because Tom

40:23

Schwartz told me like I really want you to

40:25

talk Lala at some point super important Something

40:28

about you being maybe like a washed-up housewife

40:30

with giant lips that don't make any sense.

40:33

He's right But guess what? They

40:35

do make sense. I like them. You float

40:37

you probably float do you float to take baths?

40:39

If you took baths, you'd probably float in them Okay,

40:42

Joe's I'm gonna need you to stop fighting the tables.

40:44

Okay, cuz this doesn't even look like you just Joe

40:49

Joe no stop that listen So I saw you

40:51

the other night at hotel Ziggy and I saw

40:53

from afar that you were not okay You're

40:56

very much a low barrow you want a pillow which

40:59

was which was strange I'm

41:02

very much so look See

41:15

how much towards those his friends and if I'm

41:17

gonna be part of Schwartz his life forever until

41:19

death do us part Not that we're getting married

41:22

right now I mean we will soon not in

41:24

a church probably maybe a city hall if city

41:26

hall was faint City Hall cuz we're getting married

41:28

the church don't tell Schwartz but

41:31

I Really want

41:33

to get along with his friends because it's like super

41:35

important, but they were like totally mean to me So

41:38

that wasn't really great. Bye Potentially

41:40

Lala is a ticket to that and guess

41:42

what you do with tickets You

41:45

eat really hard hot dogs with them

41:47

Okay, so obviously Ariana

41:51

and Katie's they made up their mind about what happened, but

41:53

like for my own sanity like Tom and I'll count Did

41:56

you know do you know scabagas? And

42:00

Jo's like, no! It's like, how could you not have

42:02

known? And she's like, well, well, well. I hung out

42:05

with him a couple of times, told him stories about

42:07

Charlie, my old turtle, the one who fell down in

42:09

the sewer. Whoops! But

42:12

I'm not watching them. I'm just like looking at Schwartz. Not that I'm

42:14

like in love with him, but like I did just like stare at

42:16

him the entire time. Like in fact, I would just like show up.

42:18

He'd be like in the bathroom. I'd be like, surprise, I'm behind the

42:20

shower curtain. And then I had to shower again.

42:24

The first few months I was with Schwartz, I

42:26

just would stare at him. And the only thing I could

42:28

think was, how's

42:30

anything that pasty? Like consistently. That

42:32

we could go in the sun?

42:35

Pasty. Put him in

42:37

the oven. He'd come out pasty. We

42:39

took him to my bath once. He

42:42

was still pasty. He's always pasty. It's

42:44

fucking amazing. And

42:46

I thought to myself, is there a way

42:48

to make a pasty person look even pastier? And

42:50

I hatched a plan. You

42:53

just wait. You just wait to see what happens. Spoiler,

42:57

oh boy. Bless

43:00

you. Here comes one

43:02

right now. The

43:05

Angie's List you know and trust is

43:08

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download the app today. So

43:41

she's like, no. I mean, look, she tells Lala, no,

43:43

she didn't know about Raquel and Tom. And

43:49

Lala's like, I mean, how could she not

43:51

have known? I mean, you didn't. You guys

43:53

didn't. Yeah, exactly. Like

43:55

they were literally hanging out around. None of

43:58

us knew. We were watching it with... Tom

44:00

flirting with her the whole time. You know,

44:02

so much. And so Joe

44:04

is like, show says to be honest, I

44:06

thought Ariana and Sandoval were broken up. So

44:08

it's crazy for anyone to assume that I'd

44:10

be like, oh, Sandoval, how's your relationship with

44:12

Ariana? It just wasn't a thing like move

44:14

on, which is interesting because, you

44:17

know, I can see that. She's just focused on shorts. She

44:19

just wants to hang out with shorts. And,

44:21

and, and Sandoval probably was

44:23

so at ease with Raquel in a way

44:26

that she's just like, oh, she must not

44:28

be with Ariana anymore. Oh, well,

44:30

okay, fine, whatever. I just care about shorts. Yeah,

44:34

I don't really know what I believe.

44:36

I just don't know how much of

44:38

it is her responsibility to care. Yeah.

44:41

You know what I mean? Like she's not one of their best

44:43

friends. And Katie showed that text

44:46

illustrating like, oh, well see, she had texted

44:48

me and said she was so sorry, but

44:50

then suddenly she's like, West Tom or whatever.

44:52

But we didn't see any reciprocal text from

44:55

Katie being like, oh, hey girl, thanks for

44:57

the text. This was so sweet. Hope to

44:59

see you soon. So it's not like that

45:01

was illustrating that they were, they had this

45:03

established good friendship. So I don't really know,

45:06

but. The only thing that doesn't add

45:08

up is if she thought that Tom and Ariana had

45:10

broken up, but then she went to Thanksgiving with

45:12

Tom and Ariana, or she went something like

45:14

that. Like that's a little weird. Like, did

45:17

she just not question any of that? Did

45:19

she not think like, oh, maybe they are

45:21

together. Like she just never quite connected

45:24

any dots. I think

45:26

she pro, I'm getting the feeling that

45:28

she's just like, well, they had an

45:30

open relationship or they were like broken

45:32

up, but still staying together for the

45:34

show or whatever. I

45:37

felt like she just didn't care enough. We

45:39

know so many weird relationships, especially in that

45:41

town where there, there was just, it could

45:43

be anything. Like no one really knows, you

45:45

know what I mean? Yeah. But

45:48

people do know not to fucking ask questions because there's

45:50

a lot of weird shit that you see going on.

45:52

So yeah, don't ask questions,

45:54

man. To Lalo's

45:56

like, just go with it. Go with it. I

45:59

have a question. So you and Swartzi

46:01

is like the strangest thing in the world, like you

46:03

don't want to be in a relationship with him and

46:06

she's like, uh, well, we got emotionally very, very close.

46:08

I mean, I would be there when he would cry

46:10

about Katie and like, I would lick his tears off

46:12

his cheek and be like, now let's take this. I'm

46:15

going on. And then I

46:17

just wanted to be there for team money. What? Team

46:20

money? You call him team money?

46:22

It's like, yeah, that's weird. That's what we do.

46:24

We call each other funny things because I

46:26

was like, team money. And

46:28

he's like, Joseph. So it's like kind of everything.

46:30

He's like team money and I'm like, Joseph,

46:32

and you know what you are? Hot dog.

46:35

Get over here. Let me eat your face.

46:37

He's just so good. God damn it. Just

46:39

had an idea. What if they serve hot

46:41

dogs at Olive Garden? Oh my God. Oh

46:43

my God. Oh my God. Oh

46:45

my God. I've been painting. I'm painting my

46:47

life and my dad. Okay. I

46:51

broke my teeth. I was like, huh, team money and

46:53

Joseph. That should be like what

46:55

you guys put on your wedding invites. And she goes,

46:57

oh, hmm. That's a really good idea. Actually, I already

46:59

did that. So now

47:01

we go to top golf with Ale and James

47:03

and Ariana and Katie. They're

47:12

going to have a wholesome time and

47:14

they're playing. They're hidden golf balls

47:16

and everyone hits the ball except for James. James

47:19

whips. He's like, ah, okay. Okay. Well, now

47:21

we hit the ball around. Stupid

47:24

ball. Katie. I remember making that

47:26

with Tori. How hilarious. Let's

47:28

be honest. And she's like, of

47:30

course I do. Cause

47:32

she's, and she's going on a date with Schwartz tonight.

47:34

Hold on. Hold on one second. Okay.

47:37

Sorry. All right. Let

47:40

me get this straight. No pun intended. All right.

47:42

You're chatting with Tori, right? At what point do

47:44

you go from chatting to flirting to we should

47:46

just make out. Oh, when did that happen? What

47:48

does it happen? It's starting to blink of an

47:50

eye. You're making out with Tori. Oh, it's crazy.

47:52

No one else sees this. Was it because now

47:55

Schwartz is going on a date. So you thought

47:57

you should move right now. So you guys think

47:59

I really care. that much about

48:01

what Schwartz wants. Like I

48:03

don't care. It's not always

48:05

about Schwartz. Unless

48:08

it was last season. So James

48:10

is like, well I just had

48:13

to ask because it's just so

48:15

coincidential and it was the same month that

48:17

you got with Max Booyens. I mean why

48:19

is everyone acting like this? This is fucking

48:21

normal. Let me paint the bloody picture. Katie

48:24

was married to Tom Schwartz. They were married.

48:26

White dress and bows and she isn't everybody

48:28

and stupid people like and now

48:30

they're not. Now the divorce and that and stupid

48:32

and the dating and the same fucking girl that looks

48:34

like she's fucking 21 years old. Like what the

48:36

fuck is this shit? It's fucking weird. So

48:41

then Katie's like, so

48:43

what was your conversation like at the

48:45

bar? And Ariana's like, well basically

48:52

Lala and Sheena were telling me to get

48:54

over it and stop being so triggered. And

48:56

Katie's like, oh I don't know what they're

48:58

not understanding. I'm like confused about these girls.

49:01

And James is like, well you know what? Sandibot

49:04

invited us to go paint bowling with guys.

49:06

I mean with guys and like everyone. Like

49:08

everyone's invited. So Ariana's like, oh wow. So

49:10

now there's group texts where I'm just like

49:12

not included. It's like, well to

49:14

be fair, I don't know why you'd expect to

49:16

be included on false group texts after what's going

49:19

on with your relationship. Yeah

49:21

and it's probably better for everybody.

49:23

Hey does everybody want to cut

49:26

paintballing? Don't worry Ariana. We're not

49:28

throwing bicks at each other. So

49:30

you're not expected to not supply

49:32

anything. Yeah that's like one group text I

49:34

think I'd be happy to be left off of.

49:36

Like wow, we get to go into like the

49:39

desert and shoot paintballs

49:42

at like with Tom

49:44

Sandibot and Billy Lee. Great,

49:46

great time. Yeah so

49:49

Billy Lee. Still trying to make Billy Lee

49:51

happen. Remember Kyle Jam too.

49:53

Kyle Jam's trying so hard this episode.

49:56

Oh god he's just, he's just,

49:58

he's like out of his depth. Yeah,

50:01

so then they're talking about Ariana

50:03

moving like finally because they're talking about the

50:05

house and the paperwork is

50:07

with Tom now because she's countered his

50:10

offer and Now

50:12

he needs to counter her counter or they're gonna

50:14

go to court So then she's

50:16

talking about her dream house vibes. She wants like a

50:18

little treehouse, which is what I want I want a

50:21

treehouse and she manifested hers. So maybe I can manifest

50:23

mine. So look at me a treehouse Yeah,

50:26

you can like start manifesting that Ariana

50:29

She's like, yeah, cool. So now

50:31

we go to California

50:34

Cryo Bank also known as

50:36

the sperm bank and Lala

50:39

and Sheena walk in and laws like I love being

50:41

pregnant so much So that I want to carry one

50:43

up on my own But like I want to be

50:45

fully in charge of my child's and like I don't

50:47

want to ever Like want the unknown of

50:50

like you may work out with your partners or you may

50:52

not Or you may wind up

50:54

in like a customer custody arrangement. So I don't want

50:56

to share I want my own baby of my own Yeah

51:01

And so they meet with Brian the

51:03

sperm specialist, which is I mean he

51:05

does look like a sperm specialist doesn't

51:07

he? He comes out. I've

51:09

never seen someone so exciting to jerk off

51:11

into a cup Brian like

51:14

literally looks thrilled to be there. He's like

51:16

hi. Welcome to any questions about sperm Let's

51:18

talk about jerking off any quote. I'm not

51:20

only the president. I'm a customer to the

51:25

Close to quote the 90s So

51:30

He's like, you know a lot of donors well Because

51:33

Lala's like so what's the story behind lots of people

51:35

who donate sperm because I've watched that major parks clip

51:37

a lot of times I'm getting kind of like freaking

51:39

out a little bit Okay, like they just trying to

51:41

like just looking for cash and they're trying to be

51:43

good humans and Brian's like, oh, yes Lala, I love

51:45

that. Those are the options So

51:47

are they just looking for cash or are they

51:50

really good people who want to help

51:52

people like me? No,

51:54

no a lot of donors tell us they just

51:56

want to help others like it look at this

51:58

man He is an heir to the Carnegie

52:00

Fortune currently runs three

52:02

fortune 500 companies. Look at him.

52:05

Isn't that just a picture of you with like a Groucher Marx

52:07

mask on? And

52:10

the boner. Don't forget the boner. Okay.

52:13

Isn't this you just dressed up as Mrs. Doubtfires?

52:16

Yes. Yes, it is. Listen,

52:18

people come here and they say they

52:21

just have a desire to

52:23

help others through jerking off. So

52:25

it's what it is. Now, do they have

52:28

a desire to jerk off and then afford

52:30

a hot and ready from little Caesars? Sure.

52:33

But we call that more of a perk

52:35

than a motivator. Now

52:38

if I may direct your attention to

52:41

Brad Pitt's brother who has provided an

52:43

ample sperm sample for you.

52:46

That's just you dress like you're in a

52:48

river runs through it. So

52:51

listen, get it while it's fresh. You're literally

52:53

last remaining right now. I'm

53:05

going to throw a party because in my

53:07

mind, my daughter was conceived in love and

53:09

because the kind of love is taken out

53:11

of this process. I would like to bring

53:13

it in a different form. So this kid

53:15

knows you're here and we've all been waiting

53:17

for you to enter the world. Okay.

53:21

Well, I love the idea. I'll provide the

53:23

streamers. Okay. It's not right now. Put that

53:25

thing away, please. I

53:30

love the idea. I mean, I think it's fun.

53:32

I love the idea of like a party where

53:34

we all go to the catalogs and figure out

53:36

who's the best dad. But I love how she's

53:38

like, well, my daughter was conceived in love and

53:40

now I want my next

53:43

child to be conceived amongst a group of petty

53:45

individuals who all hate each other and sleep with

53:47

each other and cheat on

53:49

each other incessantly. I want

53:51

this to be similar to how my first

53:53

baby was conceived. She might

53:56

any chance have a giant

53:58

beanbag chair filled with chicken

54:00

fat and covered in fat care that

54:02

you could just lie on top of

54:05

me that would most

54:07

likely sweat all over me while I

54:09

held my breath till mornings. Got

54:13

to 25 years from now, Lala's child

54:15

is like, hey everybody, how's it going?

54:18

I knew I shouldn't have invited that

54:20

water concierge to our parties. This

54:25

is too reverse-converting! Damn it,

54:27

it's a bathtub. Be

54:33

careful who you even think to your sperm donor

54:35

parties. With

54:39

this whole thing, like getting pregnant, I'm going

54:41

to be forming families. So right

54:43

now, I feel like I'm part of something that's broken.

54:45

Do you know what I mean? She knows. And she's

54:47

like, at the end of the day, you get nothing

54:49

for nothing. And that's all you

54:51

can say for the life of the corner. So,

54:54

you know, you're the most amazing mother and you're

54:56

going to provide all of your babies the most

54:58

amazing life. But yes,

55:00

you are part of something that's broken. I will confirm that.

55:03

So,

55:07

Lala is sad because she wants to provide her

55:09

baby the same sort of like rich, nurturing environment

55:12

that she had growing up with like her mom

55:14

and her dad together and everything. And she feels

55:16

like she failed her child and she feels like

55:18

it wasn't even her fault that she failed her

55:20

child and she's not going to risk that again.

55:22

Yeah, that was a nice

55:25

model. Like anyway, the beach was like so

55:27

intense. Like I am so hung up on

55:29

our conversation with Ariana. Like I'm just like treading lightly

55:31

with her now. Actually, I'm sort of just like doing

55:33

a pass of doubly lightly because you never know when

55:35

you get that call. Anyway, I just like don't want

55:37

to be upset with her. I

55:39

don't know. She's trying to stand her crowns,

55:41

but she's not going to win this game.

55:43

It's just simple. Moothed out because I can't

55:45

take it anymore. You're choosing to stay in

55:47

the house. So I don't feel bad for

55:49

you. Well, I think

55:52

a big part of it is her

55:54

pride. And she's like, I cannot go

55:56

into an apartment. No, it's that

55:59

she found... that house and

56:01

bought that house as well and then

56:03

let his stupid ass take out a

56:05

second mortgage on this house Why should

56:07

she let him stay in that goddamn

56:09

house? Why is it just

56:11

assumed that he should have the house? This

56:13

makes no sense. I don't understand people Is

56:16

there argument that she doesn't want the house any way

56:18

that he's the one who wants the house So she

56:20

he should be able to keep it. Yeah

56:22

house Yeah, I

56:24

love yeah, I agree sell it the

56:27

damn money. Yeah, I agree. So Then

56:30

we go over to a place called hair

56:32

boss extensions, which is actually Joe's salon I

56:34

would never think Joe would work at a

56:36

place called hair boss extensions I think I

56:38

would imagine she would work at someplace called

56:41

like wacky cat hairstyles or something like that

56:43

or like Cupcake, I don't know

56:46

You should come in or

56:48

just like your hair done. I work at a place called

56:50

cupcakes I know it's like deceiving because

56:52

we don't serve cupcakes But guess what if

56:55

you're really good, we'll give you a cupcake. What's

56:57

up fuck up as folks. Oh, you should come

56:59

in You're gonna love it Yeah,

57:01

or she just would like put up a cardboard sign that

57:04

says haircuts like and then just like attach it to the

57:06

tail of the pop hot dog like three haircuts right the

57:08

corner Seeing

57:12

the cupcake with a faux, huh? Hair

57:16

boss extensions. Yeah, I got a the hair

57:18

boss. Why's your hair look so good? Cuz

57:20

I got a the hair boss real

57:22

hair boss bitches over there making my hair

57:25

boss cuz the hair boss Oh Well,

57:29

you get a lot of hair conglomerate, they're

57:31

really gonna fuck you up Little

57:35

boy entering the hair boss. Okay.

57:37

So hey Joseph. You could do

57:39

whatever you want to my hair

57:46

Well, should I really see you in action

57:48

yeah, we're gonna do something really fine It's

57:52

your income today, it's like my thing at work don't blow

57:54

my cover Hey, I'm about you.

57:56

I'm not sure hair. I've always been a person that really

57:58

likes gum I

58:00

love gum am I right? Shorts, a shorts is where

58:02

I chew gum during the day am I right? Oh

58:05

you're eating my bangs! Oh sorry

58:07

sometimes it's a dead line between a chick lit and

58:09

a hair, am I right? So... What

58:12

did you do last night? Go ahead, tell me

58:14

the truth. You don't have to laugh, we're best friends. Oh

58:16

I went on a date. Oh no. Mmm.

58:19

Who's a Tory? Yeah, who's a

58:22

Tory? Oh! Tory is

58:24

that a human? Where's

58:26

she coming from? I've never heard of a human

58:28

named Tory. Except spelling. Life didn't really go her

58:30

way. I get it. Talk about being

58:33

bullied by a bunch of girls. Oh that one,

58:35

am I right? Oh vocabulary is my

58:37

favorite thing. Anyway, so

58:39

she's been close with Sheena for like 10 years. Never got

58:42

it. She was 13 years

58:44

old. She has a 32 year old, was

58:46

very close with her 18 year old. So

58:48

yeah, and I just, it's

58:50

like she's awesome, you know? Yeah, well

58:53

that sounds great. Is she dating a 10 year

58:55

old? Is that what you're saying? Oh that's kinda

58:57

weird. You know? Ah, well. And

58:59

she's like, um, so you're going on a,

59:01

she's like, I'd really like to know why

59:04

the girls are allowing you to go on a quote unquote date with

59:06

a person that's in the friend group. Yeah, but

59:08

I have one other problem with me. Oh yeah,

59:10

people don't like me because I eat hard hot

59:12

dogs. And that's just the kind of bullying that

59:14

I take now. Ever since I went to that

59:16

hot dog place, like literally they're following me down

59:18

the street like hard hot dog

59:20

liquor. It's hard. Really

59:23

glad I'm in control of your hair right now. Tell me

59:25

more about this date. Don't wait to make your hair look

59:27

really, really fucking handsome for your next date. Cause

59:30

she's basically handicapping him right now for future

59:32

dates. You know that, right? He's talking about

59:34

dating and she's like, I'm going to fuck

59:36

up your fucking wife. Fuck.

59:39

Yeah, exactly. And

59:42

Joe's kind of like, this is just like fucked

59:44

up because like she's way more in the friend

59:46

group than I am, but everyone's like hating on

59:48

me. She was like, oh yeah, and here's

59:50

another ticket for you. Tori actually made out with my

59:52

ex wife the night before we went on a date. Oh,

59:55

isn't that funny? How

1:00:01

does that make you feel bro? Well

1:00:04

it's a weird thing that she was playing

1:00:06

Tonk hockey. I was supposed to Tonk the

1:00:08

hockey with Maloney the night before. Ah

1:00:10

now she's going on a date with Katie today.

1:00:14

Weird. That is weird. I don't

1:00:16

want you to feel like you can't show your emotions just

1:00:18

because you're talking to the boss of hair.

1:00:21

This might be a work environment but I still want you to be

1:00:23

honest. Would it be weird if

1:00:25

I attached a bun to your head? Oh is

1:00:27

that why you're the hot dog now? Get it? Hello

1:00:31

there. This is a two part recap.

1:00:33

Ok? This is the end

1:00:35

of part one. So thank you so much for listening

1:00:38

to this. Just come back a

1:00:40

little later for part two. Watch

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