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saks.com. Well, hello

2:07

and welcome to

2:09

part two of

2:12

this in the valley

2:14

recap. We

2:33

got cut off because of Wi-Fi, New

2:36

York Wi-Fi. Thanks a lot, New York

2:38

Wi-Fi. Okay. New

2:40

York Wi-Fi, I

2:43

think we have to stop this podcast. There

2:45

are too many really forced Rob

2:48

Reiner jokes happening now. I

2:51

made some really, I made like a real

2:54

dud of a joke about Stand By Me and

2:57

then Wi-Fi was like, that's it. We're just gonna

2:59

end this episode now. We'll take

3:01

over from now. All right. Well, if you're

3:03

looking for part one, it's the other video.

3:05

Okay, so go look at that. Yeah. So

3:07

here we are, Jax trying to call Jason

3:09

not being able to work the phone because

3:11

and I think Jason basically has a weird

3:13

echo on his phone and Jax I think

3:16

rightly calls out because it's an Android. Now,

3:18

I don't think Android phones suck. I actually like a

3:20

lot of them and I've owned a few of them

3:23

and I've always liked them. I just always

3:25

have to end up switching back to the

3:27

iPhone because everyone else has an iPhone and

3:29

it always ends up with you being

3:32

blamed for everything that goes wrong on a phone

3:34

call. When anything happens,

3:36

they're like, it's you and your

3:38

fucking Android phone. Listen,

3:41

the Android phones are basically the valley

3:43

of phones, right? Obviously,

3:45

they're like great people who have Android

3:48

phones and Android phones have like some

3:50

really great features, but ultimately it doesn't

3:52

matter how good an Android phone is,

3:54

it's always going to be made fun

3:56

of no matter what. Even

3:58

though there are parts of the valley, that are just so

4:00

much nicer than parts of other parts of

4:03

Los Angeles, people will still go, but

4:05

it's the DALY. And by people, I mean me.

4:08

So that's just what the Android phones are.

4:10

They're just the San Fernando Valley of phones.

4:13

Well, it's sure getting it today, the Android.

4:15

It's sure taking it up the butt today,

4:17

that's for sure. So Jax

4:19

is pissed and they never even get... Jax

4:22

tries the WhatsApp, but he can't figure shit

4:24

out. So he just calls Danny instead. Yes.

4:27

Yeah. And then he's like, I mean, his phone

4:29

call with Jason and that echo, I was laughing

4:31

because it was such a thing that we've all

4:34

had to deal with. Oh my God. When you

4:36

hear that echo come back at you and that

4:38

normally when that echo happens, it's like you've got

4:40

three more seconds. Then you're like, I have to

4:42

restart this phone call. But Jax actually had like

4:44

a full conversation with that echo coming back at

4:46

him. I was actually impressed with his fortitude. Literally

4:50

the first time anybody said that about Jax. So

4:53

then he calls Danny and announces that

4:55

he's having a hair loss party at

4:59

the Mondrian, which is so funny because the

5:01

Mondrian is where they've partied on this show

5:03

for years and it's now where they're aging.

5:05

And it's just so strange. It just makes

5:07

LA feel so homey. Yeah.

5:11

And he's basically like, yeah, I'm at that point

5:13

in my life where my hair is starting to

5:15

spin out a little bit, between my hair and

5:17

my nostrils, it's like everything's going. So

5:20

you're supposed to catch it before it's too late. And

5:22

it's just like anything else. You start noticing certain things,

5:25

you want to get ahead of it. I was like, wasn't

5:27

that what Bravo did with you, doing you off the

5:29

show and now you're back? Now you're back.

5:31

So yeah, now we see

5:35

flashbacks of him with this guy Simon,

5:37

who's like, we think he'd be a

5:40

great candidate to Hulk all product. And

5:43

he's like, yeah, I just need it to

5:45

be easy. Because like guys, you put shampoo

5:47

in your hair or conditioner or something like

5:49

that, because it's easy. Because otherwise I'm not

5:52

going to use it. Yeah, Jacks, they're going

5:54

to reformulate the entire product to

5:56

be convenient to you. You're not inventing the hair

5:59

loss product. It's an Instagram

6:01

meeting fucking smile and take the money also

6:04

Can we just note that everybody in that room at

6:06

least the main guy was not only a little bald

6:09

He was fully zero hair

6:12

bald and that's why I don't believe in

6:14

balding products because if They

6:16

were real Bruce Willis would have hair like rich

6:19

people would have hair. Okay, I don't want to

6:21

write about these balding this balding bullshit The leader

6:23

of the company is bald Yeah,

6:26

like John Travolta would not look like that game I

6:28

had as a kid where you take magnetic shaving to

6:30

put them on a guy's head. I love

6:32

that later It

6:35

was fun. I'm like a real life version of that but like

6:37

on your back and my back is made of

6:39

metal So

6:43

then Danny is like Three

6:45

under two man. Yeah, Jack's is losing his hair

6:48

He has a bald spot in the back of

6:50

his head and his hair is thin

6:52

and mud like who's the Jack's return that into money?

6:55

Thank you Lord for this beautiful head of

6:57

hair and these dark pools of evil in

6:59

my eyes Thank

7:01

you for this hair Lord. So

7:03

then Michelle is talking

7:06

about her relationship with Jeff

7:08

and She's like

7:10

ever since she's playing with her kid at

7:12

some like Ball pit or

7:14

slide or something. It's really dangerous because it

7:17

looks a slight into a ball pit Which

7:19

is I've almost killed many children like that

7:21

because when I used to go take my

7:23

nieces to those the Adult comes barreling down.

7:25

Those kids don't move the fuck out of

7:27

the way You almost Michelle nearly

7:29

decapitates her child when she comes

7:31

off that slide Yeah, she Michelle

7:33

comes out that slide like the

7:35

frickin logs and final destination to

7:37

on the highway and Isabella's just

7:39

sitting there That being

7:41

said Look like an awesome

7:43

ball pit place I was like, you

7:46

know if you're gonna go to one of those places It

7:48

looks like this is it like that kid was running it

7:50

through that I don't even know how the cameraman was able

7:52

to even Follow that kid. It

7:54

looked like it was two feet tall and

7:56

that camera was going through there with the kid. It

7:59

looked amazing thing. Well,

8:01

yeah, I was actually wondering during

8:03

that scene, was that like

8:06

a GoPro or was it a drone?

8:08

Yeah. So that was because it was so small.

8:10

Like it was, it was so teeny tiny and

8:12

that kid was running. It was actually almost like

8:15

a horror movie. And then like

8:17

Michelle comes like sliding down that slide

8:19

so fast. I mean, like who's really

8:21

visceral in there? Yeah.

8:24

So she's like, you know,

8:26

ever since Jesse and I

8:28

had the conversation, things have

8:30

been going downhill. But I

8:32

want Isabella to not see

8:35

people fighting. As a great

8:37

man once said, people

8:39

can be ignorant and still have

8:41

loving human qualities. Rob Reiner.

8:46

So now

8:48

we go to Danny and Nia's apartment and

8:51

this furniture is going to be showing

8:54

up and you know, because it's a

8:56

furniture scene. And Nia's like, so it

8:58

seems like being Miss USA, I'm like,

9:00

I'm now like hired by brands to

9:02

promote them and like present social media.

9:05

And Danny's like, although I am more

9:07

of the breadwinner, I mean, hashtag am

9:10

I right? She's like, yeah,

9:13

I mean, like what I say is

9:15

like we live off of your salary.

9:17

Mine is smart for like fun and

9:19

for like travel and for like expenses.

9:22

No, cause I'm still paying for all

9:24

of that stuff, honey. Am I right?

9:26

A woman working. Can you imagine? We

9:28

pay for it together though. No, yeah,

9:31

but we pay for it together. And

9:33

like, I don't know. I'm still the

9:35

one who's like Miss USA and your

9:37

Mr. Does a voice. So like

9:39

all our money goes into the magazine bank account.

9:41

So we pay for it together. That's what I'm

9:44

trying to say. All right. Walking lunch

9:46

lady, you contribute. Okay. Here's a,

9:48

here's a figurative pat on your

9:50

head about it. All right. Silly

9:53

woman. So,

9:56

um, Jesse shows up and Jesse

9:58

and Jason show up. The like.the

10:00

stuff. They're going to build like

10:02

a dick move a day bad and are going to build a.

10:05

Cradle or something so I think the Jax

10:07

doesn't even pretend sometimes for his part of

10:10

the so he says like I was it

10:12

that. But. Them do is. That.

10:14

We're putting together furniture. Okay,

10:18

well we'll decide. the other guys do

10:20

it. Yeah, because of these dates. Just

10:23

so Jesse talking about therapy He's like

10:25

yeah I'm working with this coach and

10:27

yes you are Call, you're talking about

10:29

ego and talk about the alpha male

10:32

others pussy bullshit. You know dems had

10:34

a talk about the Bezel and on

10:36

the noticed that and then he set

10:38

me up disguised as like plant based

10:41

medicine works. or it's pose I do

10:43

Silas sat salad, Scylla, so been or

10:45

suicide and or five I. Was

10:47

scare. This is the such.

10:51

An. asshole guy thing to do. This.

10:53

Is like is so standard of guys he

10:55

don't want to put any real work and

10:58

they just go to the doctor is gonna

11:00

come to get fucked up. There are these

11:02

therapies real? Yes I know that they they're

11:04

There are cases where it you know micro

11:06

dosing and all of that have been this

11:08

been something they've been working on for decades.

11:12

Kind of be honest jaffe me the lot

11:14

more at them to decent rooms and some

11:16

I was gonna fucking other of like of

11:18

a god forbid you fucking talk through anything

11:20

you know just find a way to go

11:23

get loaded and can Palm Springs and I

11:25

think it's so funny that he's talking. my

11:27

house therapy is gonna be like I was

11:29

got which basically means in the desert and

11:31

a jock strap. We all know it and

11:33

then he asked that sick from burning Man

11:35

later in the episode and get some trouble

11:37

assists. I love the full circle of at

11:39

all. Yeah,

11:41

totally so. Assert

11:44

didn't any they are.i give Jesse care

11:47

our our our our eyes. I mean

11:49

he's actually drawn a d It seems

11:51

the better his marriage like you know,

11:54

Perfunctory. things like and sucked up

11:57

getting high i mean that's i'll

11:59

oscar for ridiculous but as I

12:01

always like to say they'll

12:04

never put the before the oh and

12:09

just is like yeah I just want to step out

12:11

of myself and see my ego on the inside and

12:13

wonder does that ego wear headbands does

12:16

it doesn't

12:18

leave it ends his headband dent

12:21

was out of control this episode

12:23

there was one point so it looked like he was

12:25

actually wearing the headband fill right and it actually was

12:28

yes I thought why don't you just wear the headband

12:30

I think it looks really cute my headband I

12:33

actually went back and I was like is he wearing the

12:35

headband in his interview but then I didn't actually see the

12:37

headband yeah looks like it's just

12:40

like why I took it off I don't know what it is

12:42

but now I'm obsessed and I wish I had hair so I

12:44

could wear a headband I'm like oh my god headband room for

12:46

guys finally my

12:49

I don't my where one here yeah

12:52

if I were to

12:55

wear a headband I want to wear like a Meredith

12:57

Baxter Bernie headband you know like the ones that she

12:59

would wear when she was Elise on Family Ties that's

13:01

the kind of headband I want to wear yeah

13:04

maybe I just wear like a party a poverty

13:06

one like the big real thick ones squint

13:10

yeah by the way I

13:13

never wanted to be inside of his ego let's

13:17

just like not like Jesse saying he

13:19

wants to look inside of his ego

13:21

like literally you're gonna look like like

13:24

the girl what's her face from

13:27

the ring when they find her in the closet in the

13:29

beginning of movie that's what you're

13:31

gonna look like your ear on display that's

13:33

the funny thing like everyone else can see

13:35

it pretty clearly so then we

13:37

see the flashback fight

13:40

to that dinner party with Kristin and he's

13:43

like you know like Michelle's hurting

13:46

and eventually she's gonna recognize

13:48

her attraction

13:50

or her respect but right now I

13:52

can't ask for respect because

13:54

bloody bloody blah I forgot the rest with

13:57

the therapist I'm just waiting

13:59

for this room Basically Jason's

14:02

like yeah because you have to build it and

14:04

I really hope Michelle is seeing that and Jesse's

14:06

like but right now I can't ask for respect

14:08

because and it's like because you have to

14:11

build and I really hope to Michelle seen as it but Right

14:13

now I can't ask for respect. It's like Bob Jason. Could you

14:15

turn off your Android phone? I'm trying to have a conversation with

14:17

you Damn

14:20

it's like it's ongoing. It's every day

14:22

You've got to say I'm choosing to

14:25

respect what she means and

14:27

that's what I'm gonna give to her

14:29

got it Cuz when you do that,

14:31

it's an immediate change on there. And

14:33

here's what works for me this week

14:35

I said honey, you also make money

14:37

sometimes instant blow job

14:40

instant blow job And

14:44

then Jason's like that's what she said ha ha ha ha

14:46

ha so then

14:49

Nia comes in and They

14:51

do their stuff then she's like, oh my god.

14:53

Good job guys. I guess I'll have to finish

14:55

it So now we go

14:57

over so now Jackson Brittany go check in on So

15:01

they're in their golf cart now They are

15:04

fully driving in they're driving down like a

15:06

three-lane road in that golf cart. Like

15:08

I've never Never

15:10

dreamed of a T-bone more than in that

15:13

moment. And so Britain I've

15:15

never dreamed of it. Of course. I'm talking about a stay of

15:17

all a steak a T-bone steak

15:19

I just got so hungry thinking about going to

15:21

a bar and grill and you know

15:23

I promised myself at the beginning of this Series

15:26

that I was not gonna let myself feel sorry

15:29

for Brittany because how many people have to scream

15:31

eat They literally brought out a sign at your

15:33

engagement party or whatever think don't do it Brittany

15:35

I mean, that was a very famous plot line

15:38

on the show and you still did it and

15:40

part of me is like, you know, I Don't

15:43

know. It's like when when you see a deer crossing sign

15:45

and then you see a deer a dead deer and you're

15:47

like damn It deer didn't you see the sign? There's

15:50

cars on this road So I kind of feel like

15:52

that with Brittany, but I do feel bad for and

15:54

I can't help it I can't lie anymore. And when

15:56

she's in this golf cart with Jax, they're

15:58

driving along and just like, what are we

16:01

doing today? Where are we going? We there, yeah,

16:03

we there. It's just so far. We're in a

16:05

golf cart. Where are we gonna go? Who are

16:07

we gonna make? Where I'm gonna get to be

16:09

a part of something? You're gonna ask my advice

16:11

about something? Or I never heard of everyone. It's

16:13

my husband. He cares. He cares about my thoughts

16:15

and my opinion. I was like, this is so

16:17

sad. You can tell he has not taken her

16:19

out of the house or asked her a damn

16:21

thing in years. I

16:24

have to admit, I feel the same way. I do feel

16:26

really badly for her. I feel like she

16:29

sees her world crumbling all around her.

16:31

And she's just, the more things are

16:33

terrible, the more she like leans into

16:35

that giggle, that nervous giggle. And she's

16:37

just nothing but giggling the entire time.

16:39

It's like when you hear cars go

16:41

by that are like blasting music, but

16:44

like instead it's just like, oh my

16:46

goodness. It's

16:52

a really, really sad elevator music

16:55

sound, but it's just really depressing sounds

16:57

of like So

17:04

JX, what have they done with the bar? He's like,

17:06

oh, well, you're gonna see when you go. And she's

17:08

like, I just want to hear what they're saying and

17:10

like what all the decisions have been and made without

17:12

me. And like, I just want to make sure that

17:15

like, I'm up to like, they're up to spay on

17:17

everything. Cause like, that's what I'm worried about. And

17:19

if there's like, and like, things that like

17:21

I could be looking at now, like maybe

17:23

I can look at wallpaper or like, I

17:26

don't know, like just regular paper or just

17:28

like anything, just walls, anything,

17:30

anything about walls and paper. That'd be

17:32

just wonderful. I just want to look

17:35

at something, just anything JAX. And he's

17:37

like, that's why you're coming.

17:39

Look how involved you are, Brittany.

17:41

Wow. You're involved. He's like, it's

17:43

really important for her to feel like she's involved. So

17:46

I'm faking it. Basically. And he's

17:48

like, yeah, you know, I look at Tom and Tom,

17:50

Tom and Schwartz and Sandy's and I keep that in

17:52

the back of my mind because you know, that's exactly

17:54

what I don't want to happen. I

17:57

mean, yeah. I

18:01

don't necessarily blame me. I

18:03

mean I don't think that's especially with Schwartz

18:05

and Fandy's but what Tom Tom does, I

18:08

mean Tom Tom's doing fine. Tom Tom they

18:10

have a half of a percent. To

18:13

Jack's credit this bar that he owns 0%

18:16

of is moving along at

18:18

a much faster clip than either those two

18:20

bars and also definitely

18:23

does not look as like gaudy

18:25

as Tom Tom nor does it

18:28

look as try-hard as Schwartz

18:30

and Fandy's. So like he already has actually a

18:32

few legs up on them but

18:34

it will still destroy his marriage. Well

18:37

actually Jack will just destroy his marriage.

18:40

Can we not blame a place that serves

18:42

perfectly good carbs? I mean I

18:44

think the smart thing that he did here was just

18:46

saying I don't know anything but these people want to

18:48

pay me to use my name on

18:50

a place that's not even a real restaurant but

18:53

it's kind of in the back of another restaurant

18:55

that can put my name on it temporarily until

18:57

they make all the money and then close it

18:59

you know no pain. Yeah. And I think it's

19:01

actually kind of smart you know it's not really

19:06

something he's not gonna win any awards you know what

19:08

I mean like no one's

19:10

gonna he's not gonna earn a lot of respect but

19:13

it's nice he has a place to get out of the

19:15

house and watch TV without Britney sitting over there you know.

19:18

I want to

19:23

order some wings also I'd like to order

19:25

a side of Jack's making me feel attractive

19:27

that would be nice right Jack's. I

19:31

like that Jack's is focusing

19:33

on a business that describes his

19:35

relationship with Britney in Ghost Kitchen you

19:38

know I think that's that's pretty much

19:40

what it is. So Jack's is like

19:44

I don't know I just feel like it's all happening

19:46

and I don't even know what's really going on.

19:49

And Jack's is like okay well here's the thing

19:51

when there's a bar everything has to move fast

19:54

which is why I'm driving an exceptionally slow vehicle

19:56

right now in a major road but

19:58

it's costing money so it has to go fast. Yeah, but

20:00

like I've got these ideas written down while I'm on

20:02

you know Well, they're not really the right now and just

20:05

took a toothpick and sort of scratch them into some American

20:07

cheese Oh damn it. I use that in the grill cheese.

20:09

No, I don't remember what I decided to use for wallpaper

20:13

by the way, they're parallel parking their Golf

20:16

cart at this moment and she goes yeah,

20:19

and I just feel like nobody's asking me nothing

20:21

Nobody ain't asking me nothing like oh my

20:24

god. Why would they look at the two

20:26

of you parking a golf cart? Not

20:29

even able to form a goddamn sense go

20:31

home. Just go Speak

20:44

up see what's on your mind like remember if you

20:47

if you have concerns, I just want to know what's

20:49

going on That's all that's all so

20:51

they go into the bar. So go my god. Look

20:53

at that. It's a chair. That is Christ You took

20:55

my advice about having choirs I

20:58

was good. I did that I did that everyone someone

21:00

take a picture of me in front of this chair

21:02

I was the one who said it Okay,

21:06

hi everyone, hey Leo another person So

21:08

Jack's they play in the design stuff

21:10

because like you're like working on the

21:13

bones right now So like

21:15

do you have like chicken bones or

21:17

they're like beef bones Like

21:19

what sort of bones are we talking about here? I just

21:22

want to make an idea for a vision huh so

21:25

she's like when y'all realistically want me to

21:27

like start helping out with stuff and Leo's

21:31

like well You're a girl

21:34

and like probably lots of girls are gonna come

21:36

in here, you know, cuz Santa Pumper Etc

21:39

scared them all am I right? That

21:41

was pretty rough Somebody cheated on somebody

21:43

or so my wife tells me so

21:45

anyway, you're a girl you think about

21:47

girls I don't know what a girl's

21:50

like go. Okay, just be quiet over

21:52

there in that corner If

21:55

you proceed here some creative zero thoughts

21:57

about anything she's just like, okay I'm

22:00

gonna give you some thoughts. And I'm

22:02

like, all right, all right. Okay, here

22:04

they come. Okay, we're waiting.

22:07

Okay, let's go sit over there, Chats.

22:10

I talked about getting thoughts. Yeah,

22:12

he's like, if you want, I'm about to look at

22:14

some stain colors for the walls. Well, why

22:16

would you wanna put a stain on the walls? I

22:19

don't even bring my tide pen. I've

22:22

been half my life getting out stains. Now you

22:24

wanna put some on? Put some on the restaurant?

22:26

Come on. Golly,

22:28

this L.A. design stuff is

22:30

all upside down. Is

22:32

it right now? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh.

22:37

And she's like, oh, well, that's awesome. You know what

22:39

y'all should do? You should have a chat and

22:41

a group chat, and y'all should put me in

22:43

there too. That way I could start seeing stuff

22:45

and saying stuff about stuff that I'm seeing. And

22:48

he goes, yeah, I really wanna get you involved.

22:51

Make everything better for everybody, right, Jax?

22:53

Wink, and he's like, yeah, better for

22:55

me. Yeah, because you know the old

22:58

saying, Jax, right? Happy wife, happy life.

23:01

Countess sending assholes. Of course

23:03

these are Jax's business partners. They are so

23:05

fucking perfect for each other. Exactly.

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Bite. So

25:06

then they like go sit outside and

25:08

Jack's like, oh, and

25:10

Brittany's like, well, I feel a lot better

25:13

knowing that they were like ready for me

25:15

to actually start doing stuff like I can

25:17

already see the things like I'm going to

25:19

do now. Well, like I was thinking like

25:21

there could be like a beer cheese station

25:23

over there on the right and then another

25:25

beer cheese station on the left. And

25:28

then just like beer cheese on the walls.

25:30

I don't know. Just like thinking outside the box

25:35

of beer cheese. At one point it goes, God, it's

25:37

so hard to be married. Jack's

25:39

like, Jack's just so openly hates

25:41

her. It's, it's

25:44

so sad, but it's also kind of hilarious. Cause

25:47

she just doesn't even, she doesn't

25:49

even notice. And here's the thing I've always thought

25:51

about Brittany. She's so faking this personality. I mean,

25:53

that's kind of obvious, right? This

25:56

has made me think it's more genuine, but

25:58

part of me just thinks those cameras turn

26:00

off and she's like, You listen here motherfucker.

26:02

You make me look stupid out there. And

26:04

I just think she turns

26:06

it on and off, you know? I

26:09

hope. I mean, I hope that she does because

26:11

otherwise this is just pathetic because he openly hates

26:13

her. So she's like, well, I feel better now

26:15

than knowing that they're ready for me. And he's

26:17

like, well, I just don't know what to say.

26:20

I'm just like, I'm nervous. I'm

26:22

new at this. I mean, it's just so hard. I

26:24

don't wanna say too much. I don't wanna say too

26:26

little. She's like, why are you so stressed? She's like,

26:28

I'm not stressed. I don't wanna manage

26:30

this. Like I'm a dad. I have to

26:33

manage raising a child and raising a family and

26:35

paying my mortgage and starting a

26:37

business. It's so hard. She's like, yeah,

26:39

I'll get it. You know what you need?

26:41

Try me start feeling more attractive, Jax, because

26:43

you don't make me feel nothing. My

26:46

mouth stops at five, dude. Well,

26:50

actually I think it is because he is doing

26:52

this thing of like, oh my God, I'm so

26:55

stressed. I've got to do all these things. What

26:57

do we, we've seen him go to a carnival.

27:00

We've seen him swim in a pool. Like we

27:02

see him go out to dinner. Like he is

27:04

doing nothing right now. Okay. And then

27:06

he's be like, oh, I'm so stressed right now. Oh, poor

27:08

me. She's like, hi. She's heard it

27:11

so many times. She doesn't even fall for it

27:13

a little bit. She's immediately just like, yeah, you

27:15

need to make me feel pretty. Yeah,

27:18

how about like, you know, give me a

27:20

little romance. Like, I just want you to

27:22

make me feel the butterflies again. You

27:25

know what I like to call them? Cheetos

27:28

with wings. I just want to just love

27:30

you. I

27:33

might be feeling butterflies, Jax. And

27:35

he's like, oh God. I

27:37

mean, bills, there's just so many bills. Like I'm in

27:39

charge of bills. You're in charge of bills and scary,

27:41

you know? And we have a kid and you want

27:43

more kids. And she's like, yeah, we're trying next month,

27:45

right? We're going to have another kid, maybe another one.

27:48

We should get a mini bang and just build up

27:50

with kids. He's like, oh my God, I can't. We

27:52

need like, we need a long time. Like we need

27:54

me and you time, you know? Like maybe we can

27:56

have a trip like to Vegas. I don't know, something

27:58

like that. Like date nights. Possibly with

28:00

other people you know what I mean it's gonna be great

28:04

He's like I just I feel like I'm gonna start

28:06

crying, but why though? He's

28:10

like I don't know I'm just overwhelmed there's like

28:12

so much going on well That's all we gotta

28:14

help each other when we get stressed out and

28:16

such you know instead of life out with each

28:18

other and getting No with each other we gotta

28:20

do better or stronger things and stuff and like

28:22

that like I don't know we can go out

28:24

to The ocean and poop on some stingrays again.

28:26

That was fun, right? I Just

28:28

can't wait to spend more alone time with you. Oh

28:31

my god. We better go mammals almost here She's

28:38

landing on that spirit Airlines so

28:43

Now we are going directly to Jack's

28:46

launch party at Skybar for his hair

28:48

thing and so People

28:51

are showing up Schwartz is there He's

28:53

got his his you know he's

28:55

revealing his bleach blonde hair and Zach's

28:58

like oh my god like Schwartz right

29:00

now is giving midlife crisis

29:02

care like I had that crisis when I

29:04

was 12 And I never

29:06

did again like I don't know what color

29:08

you call that maybe burnt carrot Maybe

29:10

um the color that made all my

29:13

hair fall out in middle school Maybe have this wig for the

29:15

rest of my life. I don't know what you call it, but

29:17

that's what it is Let me tell you

29:19

this much. I Literally

29:21

can't Okay, like literally

29:23

a cat like it's like the opposite of

29:25

can day cuz I can't do it You

29:27

know what I mean like give me a

29:30

jar of something and not a count of

29:32

it because I can't do it And

29:34

then he proceeds to like gay bird and I

29:36

love when people gay bird It's like my favorite

29:38

day move more He just like crosses his arms

29:41

and then like moves his finger around and then

29:43

makes a bird face and then goes up and

29:45

down Every time he looks at Schwartz. He's like

29:48

Yeah His

29:51

hands are like a windshield wiper. It's like You

29:55

so yeah,

29:57

and then they're all like laughing cuz

30:00

They're all joking because they all think that

30:02

Jax, his hair actually is not, he doesn't

30:04

have a bald spot is what they're all

30:07

saying. And they're just like laughing that Jax

30:09

is lying so he can get like a

30:11

deal. Although I

30:13

actually think that Jax does have a bald spot.

30:15

Yeah, I said at the first recap, I said

30:18

one of the most beautiful feelings in the world

30:20

is watching Jax Taylor go bald. It feels so

30:22

good because other, first of

30:24

all, bald people love, you know, other

30:26

bald people, misery loves company, etc. That

30:29

was a shout out to you, Rob. And

30:33

you know, we love, on the fucking list.

30:35

Yeah, misery loves company, but also just because

30:38

Jax, I know how much he bases his

30:40

life on how much he can get laid. So

30:42

just watching him go bald is, it just,

30:44

it was heartwarming. So the fact that he's found a

30:47

way to profit off of it makes me jealous. I'm

30:49

not going to lie. Good. That's

30:51

pretty good. So Kristen and Luke show

30:53

up next and she's like, whoa, welcome to the

30:56

Mondrian. We used to get absolutely slabbered here back

30:58

in the day. And by back in the day,

31:00

I mean like literally just like yesterday. So

31:02

yeah, we're here. Luke stopped trying to fish in

31:04

the pool, the swimming pool. But I miss it.

31:07

But I miss it. Oh

31:10

my God, I'm so sorry. My

31:13

boyfriend is trying to cut a hole in this platform

31:15

right here. He's really into fishing. He's

31:20

ice fishing in the floor of the Sky Bar. So

31:24

then Sherry shows up with, man,

31:26

oh, my mama has flown into

31:29

town and I'm so excited. She's the

31:31

lop of the party wherever she goes. She's

31:33

a cool guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

31:35

You're a cool guy, man. You're a cool guy.

31:38

So Jax is giving a speech and he's like,

31:40

yeah, I just want to say thanks everybody for

31:43

being here. You know, like, oh my

31:45

God, look, like a couple of months ago I was doing a

31:47

photo shoot and I was like, oh my God, I'm going bald.

31:49

Like what the fuck, bro? So I went out into my garage

31:51

and I got some black spray paint and I sprayed it on

31:54

my head. So

31:56

I was pretty much that. Now I'm making money off

31:58

of it. So fuck it. Yeah, thanks for fucking

32:00

being here losers. Yeah Yeah,

32:05

maybe that's not the best story to launch your

32:09

Your barrel. I don't know like maybe you're

32:11

I feel like this is not like greatest

32:13

brand ambassador moment Like it's the sort of

32:15

story that it's a sort of

32:17

brand ambassador story that only someone who would have spray-painted

32:19

their head would tell Yes, like

32:22

yeah, I injected I Adjected

32:24

my my scalp with chemicals that

32:26

have slowly poisoned me I

32:32

Were you working on your nose hairs too because that's the

32:35

paint and how for if I've ever seen one and

32:37

Jack you do know What happened? Yeah, man, it was the

32:39

boss, right? I'm just

32:41

surprised he didn't pull out. Hey everybody, you know

32:44

Going both sucks. But at the end of the day, at

32:47

least I'm not fat. Am I right? All

32:49

right Let's get

32:51

it right So

32:54

now this is when everyone's like joking about

32:56

Jack's actually happening like a really good hair

32:58

and that this is just

33:00

all silly and Oh

33:03

also, so then he's

33:05

like so everyone long story short. I'm

33:07

not using black spray paint anymore thank

33:10

you for being here have a drink and enjoy

33:12

yourself 2024 and Please

33:15

enjoy my product Zion. So He's

33:19

like, I don't know what it means but I'm

33:21

going for it Like yeah,

33:24

what the fuck is Zion? He could be Latin

33:26

for I don't want to lose my fucking hair

33:28

That's what it means. Oh, she's like, I think

33:30

it means great hair Some

33:43

hey say that joke was attractive something

33:45

come on so

33:49

Jack's is Jackson Danny

33:51

are discussing their sex lives and he's like

33:53

wow Danny I hear still having some sexy

33:55

time which I'm lacking in the apartment and

33:57

Danny's like 40 year olds Virgin

34:00

Am I right? That was a movie

34:02

I auditioned for and I got the role of customer

34:06

number three in that TV store that

34:08

they worked in. Anyway, you know

34:11

what they said, if you don't use it, you'll

34:13

lose it. Am I right? Am I right?

34:15

I guess you're not using your hair. Hey,

34:18

high fives. High fives. He's

34:20

like, yeah, from what I hear, you

34:23

might lose your penis because you're not

34:25

using your penis. You understand that? Okay.

34:27

That's what I'm talking about. You're penis.

34:29

Right. And then we

34:33

see more crowd

34:35

scenes, people partying and Jasmine

34:37

is talking to Janet. Okay. Cause Janet knows

34:39

that they've gone to lunch. Right. So Janet's

34:42

like, so sit down and talk to

34:44

me and tell me everything. She's like, Oh

34:46

yeah, I saw Jax. And you know, Jax

34:48

is just so funny. He's just so, oh,

34:50

he is funny. Oh, he is just funny.

34:53

So funny. Jax. Hilarious. Just

34:55

a funny person who I love spending time with

34:57

and just listening to the funny things he says

34:59

and all his insights. I'm so

35:01

glad we agree. He's funny. Now tell me

35:04

everything you said. Fellow J.A. name. And

35:06

Jasmine's like, well, I just, you know,

35:08

I don't feel comfortable repeating the whole

35:10

conversation. I just feel out of

35:13

respect for Jax, which is funny to use the term respect

35:15

with Jax, but out of respect to him, I just want

35:17

to give him that. I just, I don't want to say

35:19

the whole thing. And Jasmine's

35:22

basically like, yeah, you know, Jax is like messy

35:24

in a way where he like tries to play

35:26

it off like he's not being messy. Unlike me,

35:29

who is actually also messy and pretends like I'm

35:31

not messy and then actually verbalizes that I'm not

35:33

going to be messy while simultaneously being messy and

35:35

encouraging someone to find out more

35:37

of the mess from a different messy person.

35:39

Yeah. And she's like, but Janet is also

35:41

really messy. So now I'm trapped between messy

35:44

and messy. And you

35:46

see Janet and Janet's not even trying to

35:48

hide it. She's just like, okay, then on

35:51

a scale of one to 10, how bad is it? Who's

35:53

it about? Who do they look like? Do

35:56

they have brown hair? Do they have blonde hair? How old are

35:58

they? 30, 40 between. in my

36:01

hot or cold right now. Jasmine's

36:04

like okay well what I will say

36:06

is on a scale of one to

36:08

ten it's a Rob Reiner I mean what I meant

36:10

to say is Jesse is gonna think it's a ten.

36:15

So Jasmine's like, there's only one

36:17

gossip queen

36:21

in this table and it's not me it is

36:23

Janet. Janet's like um whatever it is like look

36:26

if he just told you something serious about Michelle

36:28

and Jesse is that what it is. No

36:30

I mean he doesn't even know that it's true

36:33

about Michelle and Jesse which you already guessed so

36:35

I can nod. She's like okay well then he

36:37

should know how annoying it is to have bullshit

36:39

rumors about your marriage out there because he's constantly

36:41

got bullshit rumors about his marriage. He's like fucking

36:45

other people is that one of the rumors? Is that

36:47

one of them? Come on. Come on.

36:49

Well what I am gonna say Janet is

36:51

that there's like some things where I'm like

36:53

okay well if you have this information which

36:55

I'm not gonna disclose to you but like

36:57

if it theoretically was about cheating and perhaps

36:59

on Michelle's side which again I won't say

37:01

but like if you did have this information

37:04

like Michelle, Jesse, Michelle you need to

37:06

talk to your friend. You need to

37:08

go talk to your friend who's the

37:10

one is being really messy about spreading

37:12

cheating rumors or whatever those rumors might be.

37:14

And Janet's like oh

37:16

yeah well this whole threatening thing from Kristin

37:18

so basically you're saying that Jackson knows what

37:21

it is. She's like I'm not really saying

37:23

that because Kristin does lie a lot okay

37:25

so I don't know if what he's hearing is

37:28

something from Kristin or if that's even what you're

37:30

talking about right now and she's like but if

37:32

it is information from Kristin, I didn't say it

37:34

was information from Kristin but you might as well

37:36

have so basically Michelle is cheating on Jesse with

37:38

somebody and Kristin told you so Kristin does it

37:41

now Kristin is basically blackmailing Lally. She's like I

37:43

didn't say any of that. Luke could

37:45

you please get your ass over here? We

37:48

have fishing in Los Angeles. It's happening

37:51

right now. This is like

37:53

sports level. I

37:55

know this is some hardcore angler action

37:58

happening right here. So,

38:00

um, Janet's like, can I ask Brittany?

38:02

And Jasmine's like, let's not. So now

38:04

there's like a little, I guess this

38:06

is like an entrepreneur night at the

38:08

mantra, mantra is doing some weird events

38:10

between like the singles night on

38:13

Vina front rules. And now this,

38:15

like this expo for entrepreneurs. That's

38:18

what I'm calling it. Expo

38:20

for entrepreneurs. Yeah. They're friends with the cast

38:23

of these shows. Yeah. So there's

38:25

like these other people that are trying to

38:27

hawk their wares, not just Jax. There's this

38:29

girl who's doing like a burning man

38:31

pop up and, um, her

38:33

name is Gabby of course. And she's

38:35

like, basically she's in kind

38:38

of like, wow, you've not slammed Gabby's all

38:40

across the world. Well, there are so many

38:42

Gabby's right now who are just like, what

38:44

the fuck, bro? You

38:46

know, I, I, I did. And

38:49

I don't know where it came from. I

38:54

was almost going to try to like find a

38:56

way to be cutesy and I don't know. I don't

38:58

have anything against people named Gabby, but no, I love

39:00

it. I want to, I just feel like this girl

39:02

was when I saw that she had

39:04

a burning man shop, but her name was Gabby.

39:08

It to me, cause here's the thing. If you're doing

39:10

a burning man shop and it's like a sincere

39:12

burning man shop, you're not trying to sell shit at

39:14

the, at the Mondrian that sky bar you're off in

39:16

like here on Melrose or

39:18

you're in echo park or you're just in some

39:20

random place. But if you're in Mondrian, if you're

39:23

at the Mondrian, you're pretending to

39:25

be a burner, but your name is Gabby. Like you're

39:27

not. You're not. You're

39:30

not going to go to the Playa

39:32

and be like, my real name is

39:34

Klyra Mestra Bernaysauce. You're going to be

39:36

like, I'm Gabby. I heard about burning

39:38

man. You guys burning

39:40

man, people. And, um, she

39:42

looks like Kate Hudson as Penny Lane, which is

39:44

by the way, the second time I've brought her

39:46

up, uh, this week, but she

39:49

does look like her in that film. So

39:51

anyway, um, she was like, yeah, it's like

39:53

a burning man pop up you guys. And

39:56

the guy, of course, Jesse's like, wow, what's

39:58

this all about? What's burning man? Oh,

40:00

I love burning man. I know what that is.

40:02

I'm young. I'm him. So you ever try a

40:04

wasca? Hey, honey And

40:07

then Luke tries on like a

40:09

feather green cape and he said wow, this is cool This

40:11

is like some just give me some

40:14

assless traps and I'm like good to go You

40:16

know, what's that Luke was it? Maybe it's just you did that. I

40:18

think it's just you put it on I'm not sure so

40:21

guys. Are you guys gonna go gonna go

40:23

to burning man? I'm launching I'm launching

40:25

a product for guys who says for guys losing their

40:27

hair, you know, cuz I'm starting to lose my hair

40:29

That sucks, right? She goes. Yeah, but you have a

40:31

full head of hair. He's like, yeah, I don't keep

40:33

saying that It's crazy, but I'm just starting to notice,

40:35

you know, just a little and it's actually pretty glaring

40:37

and you don't see it Cuz it's in the back

40:39

of you. You know what I mean? It's why I

40:41

don't have to worry that my ass is a pancake

40:43

because I don't see it like I don't Right.

40:47

It's like the same with my bald spot. I know

40:49

it's back there, but I generally don't ever have

40:51

to see it So I'm like, oh

40:53

I've got a I've got a brilliant head of hair right now

40:55

I found out I was losing my when I was 19 and

40:58

I was at a super cuts in Jupiter, Florida

41:01

Working at that dinner theater and

41:03

the lady was like, oh we have products that we

41:05

can sell you to help with your thinning hair And

41:07

I was like my thinning hair He

41:09

goes yeah I mean like really

41:11

badly fitting in the back haven't you ever looked in the back

41:13

and I was like no And I would

41:15

appreciate it if you didn't talk to me like

41:17

that, you know, and I still fucking hate super

41:19

cuts I won't even go in there for a

41:21

shave. I hate that place down with super cuts.

41:23

Don't ever go there This is the anti anti

41:25

ad for super cuts. They'll just shame you Yeah,

41:29

you tell them I was just telling people

41:31

about your time in Jupiter, Florida last night

41:33

at the Passover Seder In fact, I just

41:35

want you to know you were represented you're

41:37

represented at the Seder My

41:40

ears were burning and they were saying don't

41:42

go saying darling

41:44

don't go shame Well

41:47

cousin Melissa hosted the Passover

41:49

Seder and her husband Jay

41:51

his parents now live down

41:53

There and I was like, oh well my

41:56

co-host Ronnie used to work at the Jupiter

41:58

playhouse and like, oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah And

42:00

I was like, yeah, he has these great

42:02

stories of Robert Grulay and Sally Kellerman. And

42:04

immediately, it was like, oh, yeah, Sally Kellerman.

42:06

She was hilarious and back to school. I

42:09

just loved, I was like, that they, I

42:11

love like when you can say Sally Kellerman

42:13

to some people and you

42:15

don't even have to give any context. They

42:18

are ready with the Sally Kellerman reference. Hell

42:20

yeah. Jupiter, Florida, those are my people. Um,

42:22

so, uh, You

42:26

can literally go to Jupiter and just walk around

42:28

in the grocery store and go, oh my God,

42:31

I love grapes. You know who loves grapes? Mitzi

42:33

Gaynor. They'll be like, oh my God, Mitzi, love

42:36

Mitzi Gaynor. So

42:40

thank you to Donald and Susan

42:42

for understanding the Sally Kellerman reference.

42:44

Yeah. So, um, uh,

42:47

anyway, so Jax, so Jax and Jesse are

42:49

basically flirting with Gabby who is wearing a

42:51

very skimpy outfit and they have boners that

42:53

are like, you know, popping through their pants

42:56

and, uh, Jesse's like, so Gabby,

42:58

is this your burning man outfit? She goes,

43:01

this is like my everyday life outfit. And

43:03

Jesse's like, oh my God, oh my God.

43:05

They're basically just like splooging.

43:07

There's things appearing on their, on their

43:09

pants at this point. There are definitely

43:11

dads surrounding a pretty young girl who's

43:13

just trying to get money from them,

43:15

you know? But they're

43:18

gross. They're just like everybody's proved

43:20

dad. The show. Here

43:23

comes one right now. You

43:26

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43:31

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43:33

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43:38

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43:42

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43:45

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43:48

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43:50

started at angie.com. That's A-N-G-I.

43:52

Or download the app today. So,

43:55

Jesse's, Gabby's like, yeah, well, actually,

43:57

I'm not going to Burning Man.

44:00

But I am hosting a mermaid fashion show

44:02

here tomorrow. Of course you are Yeah,

44:07

I like that is that a

44:09

fashion show for mermaids or a fashion show with

44:11

mermaid fashion Mermaids is the

44:13

whole thing now. Did you know that there's like I

44:15

know Me now that they're

44:17

like they have tails they literally It's

44:20

like groups that get together and like we're mermaids. They

44:22

just like cosplay as mermaids. I mean, I think it's

44:24

great You know, I guess it's very

44:26

kind of want to do it Mermaid

44:28

fashion show, you know what mermaid

44:31

fashion show, you know, I hope it seems like

44:33

she's hoping to make a real splash

44:36

I know that was a joke that was

44:38

a joke was a reference to a Ron

44:40

Howard movie because we're talking about Rob Reiner

44:42

also also on Padma Lakshmi and I'm arranging

44:44

a stand-up show. I want to be a

44:46

comedian Thank you to everyone who's been sending

44:48

us links to that I think we talked

44:50

about that a few weeks ago how Padmas

44:52

decide to set up a stand-up show which

44:55

I think is great Hi,

44:57

what's the deal with Gail Simmons? Am

44:59

I right one day? She's

45:02

eating a cupcake the next day She

45:04

has a farmer's hand. I've never seen

45:06

someone actually get a farmer's hand from

45:08

a boiled egg Am I right everyone

45:10

I think but doo-doo-doo-doo-doo Girls

45:12

farmer tan farmer's tan is so embarrassing that

45:14

farmers are calling it the girl tan my

45:18

right Well,

45:20

I thought gail had a farmer's tan it turns out she

45:23

just had a lot of mail over different parts of her

45:25

body I

45:28

Created a contrast and skin tones some people

45:30

think gail has a farmer's tan but what

45:32

she really has is a farmer's cupboard because

45:35

She literally goes to farmers houses and eats everything

45:37

in their cupboard my right guys my

45:40

right The

45:42

whole thing is just mean slams

45:45

against Did

45:50

you mean to not laugh at my joke

45:52

hello hi So

45:54

my dear friend is Ali Wong which means

45:56

I'm also funny, so please laugh. Thank you

45:58

so much Okay,

46:02

so um mermaid fashion show

46:04

nobody is surprised and

46:06

Jesse's like oh my god We should drown some hats am I right

46:08

guys am I right and Jackson's like yeah,

46:10

yeah Don't look at the girl.

46:12

Just look at the house. I'm not looking at the

46:14

girl So

46:18

Jesse tells us contrary to what

46:20

Michelle thinks I can be a little charming

46:22

every once in a while And

46:24

if I'm throwing out the charm throwing it out

46:26

hard like When

46:29

are you gonna start this process of throwing

46:31

out the charm cuz we don't see it

46:33

yeah, so They put

46:35

on these like cowboy hats have like all this

46:37

fringe hanging down And they're being funny and they

46:39

go back into like Jackson's area, and I'm like

46:42

oh my god. This is funny and And

46:45

their jacks is like oh my god.

46:48

Oh my wife to where my cabbies wearing and she's and

46:50

Jesse's like yeah I want her to be my wife Just

46:55

being pervy Pervy

46:57

so now Danny

47:02

Basically they're gonna go have dinner right

47:04

okay, so Michelle is seeing all this

47:06

go down now well first of all

47:09

we say hi to Mamaw Brittany's like

47:11

go Mamaw go Mamaw cuz she's dancing

47:13

with Jesse who's now Horny

47:15

again you know suddenly Jesse has a personality

47:17

cuz he's like horny for a second so

47:19

he dirty dances with Mamaw Which

47:21

is you know a sight? It's

47:24

not Mamaw's first time I can tell you

47:26

that much okay when when mammals are doing

47:29

like the windmills on that floor I was

47:31

like wow mammals got some moves Mamaw

47:33

pulled a full Kyle Richards did the

47:35

split on that fucking floor and started

47:37

popping beer cheese out at people's heads

47:45

Yeah, and then she got sprayed with some champagne

47:47

turned into a mermaid and you know I Like

47:51

when she did the Roger Rabbit that was also a

47:53

nice move of mammals So

47:56

they by the way, so they're still wearing these outfits so

47:58

they go back to Gabby to

48:00

give them back and everything. And

48:05

Gabby's like, oh my God, thank you. I was getting

48:08

a little worried. I was like, some man just whisked

48:10

away in the night with all my

48:13

merch. And Jesse's like, no,

48:15

no, no. We just like to have a good

48:17

time. And then she's like, yeah, so maybe tomorrow

48:19

he can come to my mermaid fashion show. He's

48:21

like, maybe I will. Because I'm a real mermaid.

48:23

Okay. And then all of a sudden Michelle shows

48:26

up. What's going on

48:28

here? Why are

48:30

you talking to this liberal? And

48:36

they're like, oh, this girl, she's a Burning

48:39

Man girl. She goes, yeah, I

48:41

can see that. Well, I mean, you

48:43

know, like we're supposed to be getting ready for

48:45

Burning Man. She goes, are you going to

48:47

Burning Man, Jesse? He's like, no,

48:50

just do you think we

48:52

should go to dinner, Jesse? I think we should.

48:57

So awkward. So

49:01

now the cast

49:03

goes into this like conference

49:05

room that they've turned into a dining room.

49:08

It looks like that's what it is, right?

49:10

It's like the temporary office you use when

49:12

you're staying there. And they're like, we have

49:14

an office space, you know? Yeah. It was

49:17

like where Karen Uger had her press conference

49:19

in season three of Potomac or whenever it

49:21

was. It was just like

49:23

this strange space that they did not

49:25

succeed in making seem like an intimate

49:28

dining space. So they

49:31

all sit around this table and everything. And Michelle's

49:33

like, oh, I'm so cold. And once again, this

49:35

is the second time it's happened where someone else

49:38

offers Michelle a coat, but not Jesse. Jesse does

49:40

not take off his blazer and put it on

49:42

his wife's shoulders. So now

49:44

Jesse, who has just been so over

49:46

the moon flirting with this girl is

49:48

now morose and can't speak and is

49:51

despondent. OK, so she's like, what is

49:53

wrong with you? You look very serious.

49:55

He's like, that's OK. I just look

49:57

how I look. She's like, but. It's

50:00

so serious though So

50:02

now you're gonna be a victim you literally were just

50:04

flirting with the 20 year old and try to get

50:07

trying to get bangs And

50:09

that's why you look around you're gonna act like

50:11

a fucking victim of course Yeah, he has the

50:13

look of a kid who was just dragged out

50:15

of FAO shorts before he was ready to leave

50:17

and He's not

50:19

happy. He was like I was living a fantasy

50:22

for a moment I was pretending like I was

50:24

young and for a while and I could get

50:26

someone like Abby and you ruined that Michelle you

50:28

ruined Yeah, I mean

50:30

there was one girl totally out of my league who

50:32

was at least pretending to like me and now I'm

50:34

sitting with Another girl who's totally out of my league

50:36

not pretending anymore One

50:40

is living in a fantasy one's living in

50:42

reality It's not cool So then he tells

50:44

us yeah Well, I haven't been feeling great

50:46

all day because what nobody knows is that

50:49

two hours before I left the Mondrian I

50:51

took out my headband and I still have my dent But

50:54

I also had an hour session with Scott where

50:56

I had this realization that my marriage

50:59

was over it happened like this He

51:01

said honestly your marriage is over and I was

51:03

like, oh to him. He's

51:05

right. I said Why

51:08

am I talking to Barney Barney's a

51:10

fucking dinosaur? And he said I'm your

51:12

doctor Trims

51:14

are kicking in it's gonna take a while to

51:16

find your properties So They

51:20

all start to eat and Jack's Janice

51:22

making small talks with Jack's and

51:25

such some wins the bar opening He's like we're where

51:27

you were you were we're gonna wait to open but

51:29

you know, never doubt the visual We're not gonna wait

51:31

anymore cuz football see I gotta have a place for

51:33

football season I gotta have a place, you know, like

51:35

I can't just watch football at fucking home with Brittany

51:38

anymore I'm not kidding my Brittany gets up to get

51:40

a cheeto on a blocks of TV for the 10

51:42

minutes So she's trying to move around, you know,

51:44

I'm saying like who wants that? And

51:51

He's like yeah, I gotta open up for I gotta

51:53

gotta open it up Yeah, but the problem is the

51:55

bars not totally done the way Brittany wants it. It's

51:57

like oh, you're gonna blame your first ball First

52:00

of all, don't even start blaming Brittany

52:02

for being behind schedule because on Bravo

52:04

terms you're actually the fastest

52:06

business we've ever seen open up. I mean, something

52:09

about her sandwich shop, they're

52:12

like, I think they're

52:14

taking their liquor license to the Supreme

52:16

Court or something because it is far

52:18

from opening up. So Jax is like,

52:21

this is a fast operation so don't even start complaining

52:23

about it taking too long to open up. And then

52:25

if you are going to complain about it, don't

52:27

blame it on Brittany who you haven't allowed to come

52:29

near the place in the first place. Well, yeah, I

52:32

thought it was weird that he was taking Brittany to

52:34

the bar and asking for her input. That was sus.

52:37

That was weird. And so the fact that he did that,

52:39

I was like, there's an all there's a there's a other

52:42

reason he's doing this. Well, of course there

52:44

is. So he could say, oh, Brittany's just

52:46

so picky that we can't open up. He's

52:48

going to blame everything on Brittany. That sucker

52:50

just falls into every trap he lays for

52:52

her. Yeah. So

52:54

then he's like, so everything's ready to

52:57

go. Hey, I have a question. Do

53:00

you take reservations before 2 p.m.? Like

53:02

if I have a party of three, what I'm trying to say is

53:05

three under two, three under two.

53:09

It's like happy hour, but for babies. Zombies

53:14

are zombies allowed. Zombies

53:17

allowed. So

53:21

Jasmine's like, well, Brittany was saying that's

53:23

not a go and he's like, well,

53:25

it's going to be opening. But it

53:27

might be Jax's. Yeah, it's going to

53:29

still be whatever it is on the

53:31

other side of the restaurant with that

53:33

side. And then when once it's officially

53:35

done, we're going to change the sign over and that's

53:38

okay. Because guess what? We

53:40

have expenses to pay. All right. And

53:43

just like, so you're going to do a soft

53:45

opening wall construction still going on. No, I'm not

53:48

going to do what Schwartz and Sandoval did. Okay.

53:50

And sat on their fucking ass for months. No, I'm not going to do

53:52

that. So then

53:55

Brittany just starts doing shots at tequila. Fridby

54:00

is getting sick, someone wants tequila,

54:02

he's like, Hey,

54:06

I got a

54:08

little party. Oh,

54:11

hold on, I just pooped. Jack's

54:16

like, you know what? She's not thinking big picture.

54:18

She's thinking, I want this to be perfect. I

54:20

don't think she understands that we need to open

54:22

those doors for the no ones of people to

54:24

come in. So Britain's like, I'm a

54:26

he knows that I don't really think it's ready yet.

54:29

And like, he knows how I feel about that. And

54:31

just like shows that were just like not on the

54:33

same page at all. I

54:38

love that Jack just does not care about advertising

54:40

his business at all. He's like, yeah, I don't

54:42

care about the food. Literally,

54:45

we have nothing ready. It's a construction zone.

54:47

Who cares? I'm broke. Yeah,

54:49

he's like, let's get this going. I want to watch

54:51

football and I want to watch it for free. So

54:54

then Michelle turns to Jesse and

54:56

she's like, your very client says

54:59

like the lady who talks like

55:01

an ATM. And Jesse is

55:03

like, I have nothing to say.

55:05

And then Jason's like, Oh, hey,

55:07

Jesse, how are you doing, man, man,

55:09

man, man, man, you got to turn

55:11

off your Android, Jason. I swear to

55:13

God, don't have the time for tonight.

55:16

So Jackson's like, what's wrong with your

55:18

husband? And she's like, I don't know.

55:20

And Brittany's like, take care of your

55:22

baby. And then Michelle's like, yeah, I

55:24

mean, Jesse, everybody's asking what's wrong

55:26

with you. Like wake up. And he's like, what

55:28

is wrong with me? Nobody knows

55:30

this, Jesse. You're quiet. And he's like,

55:32

well, why don't you propose something that

55:34

actually will keep me awake? And

55:36

then he bangs the table and they're like,

55:38

whoa, whoa, Jesse, whoa. Chris is

55:41

like, who are you wearing? Josh's

55:43

balding dinner. Well,

55:46

everyone just said, I'm not interesting. And

55:48

Jackson said, but we were having a

55:50

great time downstairs. We were trying on

55:52

outfits. We were, you know, starting with

55:55

a really hot girl. Oh,

55:57

hold on one second. I'm just gonna go to the corner, rub one out.

56:00

He's like, whoa, there he is, drama Jesse, drama

56:02

Jesse. So then he slams his palm on the

56:04

table and he goes, here we go again, baby.

56:06

Chris is like, oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, I'm

56:08

ready to go, I wanna go. Jesse's like, do

56:10

you have something to say? She's like, no, I'm

56:12

not doing this again. I'm not doing the whole

56:14

thing of where you slam a table. That

56:18

is abusive, that is abusive, yeah, I

56:20

will not do it. It's

56:22

not cute, you're a father, your husband,

56:24

you're a grown ass old man. And

56:27

she's going off. She's like, about how gross he

56:29

is. And he's like, okay, everybody, let's calm down.

56:31

She's like, I don't know why we're always at

56:34

dinner tables where no one can hear a damn

56:36

thing because of him, because of

56:38

him. And then Lucas

56:40

is like, when you're on a table with that,

56:42

listen, when you're in a table with that many

56:45

people, there's five conversations going out. And

56:47

Michelle's like, you know what? He's being

56:50

so disrespectful, just so disgusting. He's such

56:52

a fucking douche. His own wife calls

56:54

him a douche. Can you imagine if

56:56

I called you a douchebag? Is

57:00

that how Michelle said that? I think that was

57:02

gross that he said that. And

57:05

she's like, yeah, I've never called you a douchebag, Luke,

57:07

and he's like, well, I'm just saying, it's the truth,

57:09

she's not wrong about it. She goes, are

57:12

you joking? And he goes, no, he goes,

57:14

well, you've called me a douchebag. And she's,

57:16

no, I haven't. And he goes, yeah, you

57:18

have, it's the truth, I'm just saying. Somehow

57:20

they're starting to fight. Are you

57:22

joking right now? And he's like, no, it's something

57:24

you say. She's like, all right, okay, so I

57:26

guess I'm the only fucking sober one. That's me,

57:28

and I can feel how drunk you are. Because

57:31

I'm an empath. So you know

57:33

what, I can't do it. And so

57:35

she's getting all pissed. Well, she's getting

57:37

herself so worked up. So she has

57:39

to work you to drop the secret,

57:41

right? Because she knows, she can't just

57:43

walk into this dinner where Jesse is

57:45

completely, no energy, he's

57:48

not being evil at this dinner at all.

57:50

He's not speaking to us. She's like, oh

57:52

my God, my great plans to have this

57:54

dinner reveal aren't working. So she's getting herself

57:56

all worked up over nothing. And it's so

57:58

funny because then you hear the producer. like,

58:00

Kristen, just fucking do it. I

58:02

won't ruin a family by talking

58:05

about Michelle cheating on Jesse. I

58:07

won't do it, I just couldn't do it. I

58:10

like also, like, Kristen's like, Ooh, ooh,

58:12

ooh, ooh, because I would like to

58:15

politely excuse myself to go up. Uh,

58:17

which she does, like, not really very politely.

58:19

And then she sort of leaves and she's

58:21

like, I don't know, I don't, seriously, watch

58:24

Aggression. So yes, now the producer is, well,

58:26

they go like... First she goes, he's abusive.

58:28

I mean, like, to have someone's like, Oh

58:30

my God, there's Kristen's bingo card, you know,

58:32

because Kristen's always looking for some, uh, word

58:35

to describe something. It's just horrible. And then we

58:37

get Kristen's bingo card up on the screen. Abusive.

58:40

Ding, ding, ding. Um,

58:42

the Republican. Yeah. The thing's in

58:45

shower. Likes country, drives

58:47

angry, not an empath. Loves

58:52

Trump. DJs a sir. Drives a

58:55

Tesla. Loving husband.

58:57

Smelly. Free space. Wishes he

58:59

was Jax. So

59:01

stupid and so funny. So fun. That

59:04

was a good graphic. Whoever did that

59:06

on post-production, good job. So, um, then

59:09

she's like, I don't want to be

59:11

real. I'm going to be able to

59:13

politely excuse myself. So Jess is like,

59:15

Kristen, you're not one to say anything

59:17

about rude. Okay. So just calm down.

59:19

No, I am going to completely excuse

59:21

myself. And therefore I will excuse myself

59:23

right now in about two minutes before

59:26

I, when I stop saying I'm going to excuse myself.

59:28

Okay. I shall now. Cross

59:30

on. Cross on. Cross

59:33

on. Danny

59:36

has his hand up. I

59:40

have a question. Question. Nia's

59:44

like, Danny, put your hand down, Danny, put your

59:46

hand down. And, but then he does, he nullifies

59:48

her. You basically or mollifies her the best way

59:50

he knows how, but he has his hand up

59:53

and he just, Danny, stop it. Stop. He just

59:55

kisses her on the mouth. Okay.

59:58

That lemon here and. Everybody's kind

1:00:01

of going crazy. And so Jesse's like, hey, anybody

1:00:03

ever been to Burning Man? And

1:00:05

you want to go? And

1:00:07

just like, I'll go drive tequila there. And

1:00:11

Justin's like, I'll go, it's gotta be better than

1:00:13

this. And he goes, it seems salty like my

1:00:15

nuts. Jesse,

1:00:17

just stop, just stop. And Danny's

1:00:19

like, oh my God, Jesse. And

1:00:21

he's like, I'm trying to change

1:00:23

the subject all you fucking morons.

1:00:26

Just stop, I know, stop talking

1:00:28

Jesse. So now they're

1:00:31

all fighting and trying

1:00:33

to make like, they don't even know what they're

1:00:35

fighting about. Like no one even knows. They're just

1:00:37

like, we're on a show, let's fight. And so

1:00:39

it's bedlam in there and it's hilarious. And Zach's

1:00:41

still over there going, cross balled. And

1:00:44

Jasmine's like, someone talk about the bald investor. Cause

1:00:46

that shit was funny. And Jackson's like, no, I'm

1:00:48

over it now. So

1:00:50

now Jesse gets up to leave the table

1:00:52

and Michelle's like, don't leave me, but he

1:00:55

does. So out in the hallway, the producer's

1:00:57

like, come on, Kristen. She's like, don't say

1:00:59

come on. He's acting like a psycho. And

1:01:01

he's banging his hands on the table. This

1:01:03

is turning into trash. I will not be

1:01:05

part of trash. I'm an artist. I

1:01:08

know. And then Jackson's like, everyone be

1:01:10

quiet so we can listen to what's going on

1:01:12

in the hallway. So Kristen's like, you know, you're

1:01:14

a really horrific human, but I don't want, I

1:01:17

don't want out their whole fucking marriage and everyone

1:01:19

and everything I know about it. I won't do

1:01:21

it. I won't do it. Even though, and yes,

1:01:23

I'm aware I'm wearing a microphone and yes, I'm

1:01:25

aware you're recording this, but I absolutely will not

1:01:27

say anything that could be on this hot mic

1:01:29

right now. So Jesse comes

1:01:31

at me, he's like, you bring out

1:01:33

my skeletons that I don't know about

1:01:35

my wife, I will fucking bury you.

1:01:38

And she's like, Michelle. Cause now I'm a self-air

1:01:40

going, Kristen, what is going on out here? She's

1:01:42

like, I would never, never. I

1:01:44

told you you're safe with me, little, little

1:01:47

tiny little Mary Posa. You are safe with

1:01:49

mama. Come to me, I will always protect

1:01:51

you from your own deep dark secrets here

1:01:53

on camera. You,

1:01:55

Michelle, I will never, ever betray

1:01:58

you. You're my sweet little. Princess

1:02:00

Bride directed by Rob Reiner. So,

1:02:04

Jesse's like, oh yeah, you would. You would do

1:02:06

that because you're irrelevant. You're so fucking irrelevant. You

1:02:08

can walk away right now. So now Luke, here's

1:02:10

this. He's like, what? Someone's talking mean about my

1:02:13

future wife who doesn't like fishing. So he gets

1:02:15

up and he goes out in the hallway and

1:02:17

he's all agro. He starts pointing his finger and

1:02:19

he's like, yo man, you stay away from my

1:02:22

wife. You stay away from her. You stay away

1:02:24

from Kristen. And so Michelle's

1:02:26

like, don't you touch my husband. You are not

1:02:28

going to touch my husband. Which is nice, like

1:02:30

she's sticking up for her husband. This whole thing

1:02:33

is so weird. So now Jesse's like

1:02:35

being all short guy agro. Like, what are you

1:02:37

going to do? And then

1:02:39

Kristen's like, do you know what he's going to say

1:02:41

to me, Michelle? Do you know? Are you going to

1:02:43

protect me the way I protect you or I'm not

1:02:45

supposed to protect you? She's like, shut the fuck up,

1:02:47

Kristen, with this protecting me. And she's like,

1:02:50

bud, I'll stop protecting you. Are you saying you want

1:02:52

me to stop protecting you? She's like, stop blackmailing me.

1:02:54

She's like, I will not protect you anymore. I

1:02:56

will not protect Michelle anymore. I won't do it. I

1:03:00

protect my friends. I protect the people

1:03:02

that are important to me. And Michelle

1:03:05

is home to

1:03:07

me. Go, go. And Michelle's like, protecting

1:03:09

me? Of what? I am fucking tired

1:03:12

of this shit. And Michelle's like, Kristen

1:03:14

might say that she's protecting me, but

1:03:17

I feel like she's threatening me. And

1:03:20

she's like, do you know what you have

1:03:22

done to my marriage and my

1:03:24

life and my daughter?

1:03:28

Listen here. I will not take any more

1:03:31

from you, Meathead. She's like, oh, I will

1:03:33

not keep your secrets. So

1:03:35

then the producer is like, so Michelle,

1:03:37

what are these secrets? And she's

1:03:39

like, what can I say? I

1:03:41

no longer understand a thing about

1:03:43

Kristen. And Jesse's screaming, my family,

1:03:45

my family. They're so dramatic about

1:03:47

this secret that everybody knows what

1:03:49

it is. Everybody knows what's coming

1:03:51

out. And Kristen's insisting she's not

1:03:53

going to do it, which we know she's going to

1:03:56

do it by the time this episode is done. Right.

1:03:58

And by the way, Michelle. You ready? When

1:04:00

the producer asks Michelle about the secrets, Michelle

1:04:03

can't... You can see her. She's

1:04:05

like, um... She takes a long pause and like

1:04:08

puts like a phone behind the pillow or something

1:04:10

like that. She takes a

1:04:12

very, very long time. She's like, come

1:04:14

up with an answer quickly before they

1:04:16

realize that you're thawing. Say it quickly.

1:04:19

Oh, what can I say?

1:04:21

I no longer understand Kristen. There.

1:04:24

Showed them that I wasn't thawing while I

1:04:26

came up with an excuse. I'm like, it took you five minutes

1:04:28

to say that. We all watched

1:04:30

you say we watched your

1:04:33

eyes say, Oh shit, I

1:04:35

have to come up with something now. Yeah.

1:04:37

So it's still crazy pandemonium in the hallway

1:04:39

and everyone's acting like they're walking off, but

1:04:41

no one's walking off. They keep walking off

1:04:43

and then walking right back at each other.

1:04:45

And so Kristen's like, Michelle, you don't know

1:04:47

what you don't know what he's saying about

1:04:49

you behind your back. And Jesse's

1:04:52

like, excuse me. So then he charges her

1:04:54

and then Michelle's like, what's he saying? And then

1:04:56

Kristen's like, you're saying that he's going to divorce

1:04:58

you within two months. And Jesse's

1:05:00

like, I never said it. So now

1:05:03

Jack realizes he's about to be

1:05:05

in trouble. So he walks out and hears that and then

1:05:07

like turns right back around. He's like, bye.

1:05:09

See ya. But then also

1:05:11

because it's Kristen fighting, she gets it all wrong,

1:05:13

which is that Jesse had told

1:05:15

Jack that he thinks in two months, Michelle's going

1:05:18

to leave them. But of course, Kristen, what Kristen

1:05:20

blurts out is Jess is going to leave you

1:05:22

in two months. Which is a very different thing,

1:05:24

by the way. And so

1:05:26

now, which is a very different thing, by

1:05:28

the way. And so now

1:05:31

it's just like things are being said

1:05:33

wrong. There's chaos. Michelle's boob is out,

1:05:35

by the way. There's

1:05:37

just like a little like pixelation going on

1:05:39

down there. So Michelle's like, who said that?

1:05:41

My husband said that. And Jesse's like, yeah,

1:05:43

who said that? You're fucking lying, lying, cheating,

1:05:46

C word. Okay, you cut fitness. You better

1:05:48

get her in check right now, Luke, because

1:05:50

I swear to God, it looks like or

1:05:52

what, or what? You're going to

1:05:54

lay your hands on her. Well, guess what? I'm going to

1:05:56

have a fishing rod. Damn it, I don't have a fishing

1:05:58

rod. Brittany and Zach

1:06:01

come out and Brittany's just like anybody

1:06:03

want to make me feel pretty? That

1:06:05

would be nice! That would be nice!

1:06:07

And Zach just goes... Soooooo! Soooooo! Soooooo!

1:06:10

He's doing a full hand

1:06:12

extension again. CROPHONE! Soooooo! Soooooo!

1:06:15

Soooooo! So, uh, he

1:06:17

starts to walk away again and Luke is

1:06:20

still shouting at him and Luke's like your

1:06:22

problem are with your wife, you talk to

1:06:24

your wife! And then Michelle's like, what?

1:06:28

And so then Jesse starts charging

1:06:30

him like he's gonna beat him up and then Zach

1:06:32

is trying to hold him back and then he grabs

1:06:34

Zach by the throat and just pushes him out of

1:06:36

the way. I

1:06:39

mean, by the way, that wig

1:06:41

glue is so strong, very impressive. And

1:06:44

so Jesse is like, he's like, what did you

1:06:46

fucking say to me? What did you fucking say

1:06:48

to me? And so then the security guard sort

1:06:50

of jumps in or like a producer or something

1:06:52

like that. And Brittany's like, dang it! Dang it!

1:06:55

Dang it! Dang it! Dang

1:06:57

it! And then Nemaw comes in

1:07:00

with like a, with an axe. She's like,

1:07:02

alright, you motherfuckers, everyone get in line. Otherwise

1:07:04

we're gonna start losing some heads around here.

1:07:08

So then, um, the producers are holding

1:07:10

Luke back now because he's in like red face

1:07:12

fury, you know, which is like his red face

1:07:15

tap. And he's just a red faced person in

1:07:17

general looking for a fan poll, really. So

1:07:19

he's like, I didn't do nothing. All I want to

1:07:21

do is fish. And then Kristen

1:07:23

passes by restrained Jesse because he's being held

1:07:26

back. Everybody's like

1:07:28

swinging and, uh, someone's

1:07:31

like, go back inside. We are

1:07:33

gonna, I'm gonna talk now. Everybody go

1:07:35

back inside. She's like,

1:07:38

Zach, are you okay? Michelle, are you okay?

1:07:40

Brittany, are you okay? She's like, I want

1:07:42

to go back inside. And Luke is like,

1:07:44

I'm not gonna draw. Listen, hey, I'm not

1:07:47

gonna punch anybody, but I'll say the fucking

1:07:49

truth. I don't care. The truth's about their

1:07:51

fucking relationship. And here's some more truth. There's

1:07:54

not a goddamn fishing hole in this entire

1:07:56

city. So Kristen's like, this always sucks. I'm

1:08:00

still being a good friend to Michelle, and I'm

1:08:02

still holding all of our secrets for the next

1:08:04

30 seconds. I am a great friend. What's

1:08:07

so funny is Michelle goes, okay, everybody go in

1:08:09

there. We are going to have a talk. I'm

1:08:11

going to talk now. So it sounds

1:08:13

like Michelle's going to go in there and be like,

1:08:16

here's the gossip. I've been fucking around on Jesse. He's

1:08:18

a loser and I'm leaving him, right? That's what it

1:08:20

sounds like to everybody watching this show. So

1:08:22

Kristen, who had no intention of dropping this,

1:08:24

hears that she's going to probably do that

1:08:27

and tries to beat her to the punch.

1:08:29

So then Kristen goes to the elevator and

1:08:31

she's like, oh really? Look at me protecting

1:08:34

secrets. Well now I won't protect it. She's

1:08:37

been cheating on her fucking husband for

1:08:39

a year. Dun, dun,

1:08:41

dun. Yeah, she had a fucking boyfriend. There,

1:08:43

we all said it. Now

1:08:46

she's protecting him and not me.

1:08:48

And so she tells us about a

1:08:50

year ago, Michelle and Jesse were very

1:08:52

unhappy and Michelle had a guy. She

1:08:55

was seeing him. Well, she was really seeing

1:08:57

his movies and never hanging out. And

1:09:00

I was not against any of this because I knew

1:09:02

Jesse was a piece of shit. So

1:09:06

now Michelle's like, everyone sit down. And

1:09:08

then Kristen's pretending to be just so upset as she

1:09:10

leaves. She's like, I didn't sign up for this all

1:09:12

over again. Just to go through the

1:09:14

same thing all over again. Michelle

1:09:17

stole a jacket from James Kennedy

1:09:20

and then robbed a rich person.

1:09:22

There I said it. I

1:09:24

said it for Kristen just going through the same

1:09:26

patterns. She's like, I'd

1:09:28

rather be on Vanderpump Rules. Yeah

1:09:30

we know. To

1:09:33

be continued. Wow, what a funny and

1:09:35

amazing episode. It was so good. I

1:09:38

was cracking up and the way that this

1:09:41

fight just bubbled over, I'm really excited to

1:09:43

see what Michelle says to the group. Probably

1:09:45

nothing. Nothing of you. She's

1:09:47

going to be like, now's the time to

1:09:49

refinance your home. Your

1:09:54

social security number has been

1:09:56

compromised. Alright

1:09:59

everybody. Well, we apologize to

1:10:01

Rob Reiner, who really got the short end of the

1:10:03

stick here today. But everyone

1:10:05

else, great times, super fun show. Thanks

1:10:07

for being here with us, and be

1:10:09

back tomorrow with Summer House. If

1:10:12

you want to watch this on video, do

1:10:14

it. Go to Patreon. It's also our Vanderfront

1:10:16

Villa bonus episodes, and where you

1:10:18

get ticket links for LA next week,

1:10:21

and followed by London Dublin and Birmingham

1:10:23

the following few weeks. We love you

1:10:25

guys. We'll talk to you next time,

1:10:28

okay? Bye. Bye. Watch

1:10:31

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don't count yourself out but

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my favorite part about these

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views is how they're ignited by

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the tiniest thing Jada I

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love you G.I. Jane too can't wait

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too much it starts small and then

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it gets so big we honestly only

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I'm fearful of you to the same

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I don't know her we all just

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leave Britney Spears alone right

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we unpack why we get so invested in

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