0:00

Hey everybody and welcome to the Wednesdays

0:02

with Watson podcast . If you have landed

0:04

on this podcast for the first time , you are in

0:07

for a treat . This is our 121st

0:10

episode and our fourth

0:12

anniversary , and

0:26

a little bit of execution on my part during COVID . Here we are , four years later and 120

0:28

episodes . This podcast is listened to all around the world and I

0:30

am so grateful . I am grateful for the

0:32

medium but , more importantly , I'm grateful

0:34

to Jesus , who has given me the ability to get

0:36

behind the mic and hopefully help a few

0:38

people with the truth of the gospel , while

0:41

helping you understand the science of

0:43

trauma . I love the verse

0:45

in First Thessalonians where the Bible says faithful

0:48

is he who calls you who will also

0:50

do it . So today , lydia

0:52

Garner questions me . I've

0:54

stopped telling my story publicly

0:56

about four years ago and

0:58

I did that for good reason , because I needed to heal

1:01

. But many of you may be listening to

1:03

this podcast and wonder why I care and

1:05

why I do what I do . Well , today

1:07

you'll find out , as Lydia asked me some really

1:09

insightful questions . It was an amazing

1:12

conversation . I am recording this

1:14

in April of 2024 . And

1:17

this episode with Lydia was

1:19

recorded about a month ago and

1:21

so , as I am speaking into this mic

1:23

right now , we are still very much shocked

1:26

in our world at the

1:28

untimely death of Mandisa . I

1:30

would be lying if I didn't tell you that it doesn't strike

1:33

home . While we don't know how she died

1:35

, we know that she battled with anxiety and

1:37

depression , and that she died way too

1:39

young , and so that's why I do what

1:41

I do , and so hopefully today you

1:44

will understand why my heart is

1:46

the way it is and why I care as

1:48

much as I do . So let's drop into this episode

1:50

where Lydia Garner takes over

1:53

the mic for the fourth anniversary

1:55

of the Wednesdays with Watson

1:57

podcast .

2:00

Well , Amy , I guess I'm going to be

2:02

asking you the questions today .

2:04

Yeah , so how's that feeling for you ? Oh look , I'm

2:06

already asking you a question .

2:10

It feels pretty daunting , but I

2:12

am excited and we're just chatting . That's

2:14

what we're doing .

2:15

Just having a conversation between friends .

2:18

Absolutely . I had asked

2:20

you some questions about your story

2:22

because it's interspersed amongst

2:24

all of your older podcasts and

2:27

we decided that let's get it

2:29

into one , just the gist at

2:31

least , because it's a pretty long and

2:33

lots of things going on

2:36

. So one of the things

2:38

that I'm not 100% on is

2:40

how do you , when you're telling

2:42

your story , you know they talk about a

2:44

30 second elevator

2:46

pitch or something like that . How do you

2:48

sort of sum it up , just

2:50

to start , and then we'll go a little bit

2:52

more into it ?

2:54

Yeah , great , great question . And I've had to

2:56

, as you can imagine , learn to do that over

2:58

the years . So when

3:00

I talk to people , I

3:02

say that I am a survivor of everything

3:06

from childhood abuse , from pre-verbal

3:08

age to domestic violence and

3:10

everything in between , and

3:12

that's kind of the cliff

3:15

, cliff , cliff notes , just kind of indicating that

3:17

from the time the earliest

3:19

time that I can remember , until the

3:21

time I was 35 , with

3:24

the exception of some years that I spent in a

3:26

children's home and college

3:28

, those were some good years my

3:30

life has been filled with trauma and

3:33

loss , trauma and loss , trauma and loss

3:35

as though it's never going to stop . And

3:37

so your question is a valid one , because

3:39

there is a breadth of all

3:41

of it , and sometimes I even forget things , but

3:43

by and large I tell people that the Lord has been

3:46

faithful to redeem essentially

3:49

my whole life and all of these

3:51

losses , and that

3:53

I wouldn't choose some of those things

3:55

, also wouldn't change them

3:58

.

3:58

Right , wow , and I

4:00

think that there are going to be some tears today

4:02

, because it's

4:05

hard for those of us

4:07

like me who had a very safe childhood

4:09

, to even begin to comprehend

4:12

that . I know that I've seen

4:14

what God has done in your life , and so

4:16

I'm excited to share

4:18

that . So when

4:20

you were a child , where were

4:23

you born ? Where did you grow up ?

4:25

Which is where our connection comes from . Actually , I was

4:27

born and raised in Jacksonville

4:29

, florida , which is affectionately known as Southern

4:32

Georgia , and so for those of you , all

4:34

of you who are new listeners from New Zealand

4:37

, from that continent , that is on

4:39

the east coast of the United States , on the tippity

4:41

top of Florida , and so I

4:44

am a native Floridian , which is a little bit weird

4:46

. Most people just move here and

4:48

I was born and raised here .

4:50

Nice , and so was I . That's

4:52

right , jacksonville , yeah

4:55

, and so did you have any siblings

4:57

? I don't actually know that .

4:59

Great question . Yes , so I grew

5:01

up with until we were

5:03

separated , removed by

5:05

the state of Florida , with my sister

5:07

Lisa , who is three years older than I am

5:10

, and then my mom , who

5:12

is a daughter of a brigadier general , ran

5:14

away when she was 19 years old and had

5:17

two kids , and their

5:19

names are Elizabeth and Kathy

5:21

, and I didn't know . I knew about

5:23

them , but I had never met either

5:25

one of them until just a couple

5:27

years ago , because my mom

5:30

did not keep any of us and so

5:32

their dad raised them , she abandoned them

5:34

and you never knew where they were

5:36

. And so in all

5:38

I have , on my mom's side I have three

5:40

half sisters , and on my dad's side I have three

5:43

half sisters , and I I I know

5:45

one of my dad's sisters very

5:47

well and the other two kind of , but

5:50

all in all six half sisters , no whole

5:52

siblings , but six half sisters , but

5:54

grew up with my sister Lisa

5:56

, who experienced much of the same trauma

5:58

that I did , but , yeah , just

6:00

one , one sister , three years older than I am that

6:03

.

6:03

I grew up with just

6:07

one , one sister , three years older than I am , that I come with . Yeah , that

6:09

is a lot more siblings than I realized , but I understand

6:12

the the distance and so I . So you had

6:14

childhood abuse and that started

6:16

young . Did you have your father in

6:19

the home ?

6:20

another great question . I , my dad , was

6:22

. Both my parents were older

6:24

when I was born . My mom mom was 38

6:26

. My dad probably 10 years older than that , and

6:29

he was a raging alcoholic

6:32

and so by the time I even

6:34

remember , I don't ever remember living

6:36

with him . I remember seeing him

6:38

a couple times , but he died of a mass

6:40

, his fifth heart attack when

6:43

he was just a little bit older than I am

6:45

right now , so soon I will have outlived both

6:47

of them . Few memories

6:49

I have of him are good , outside

6:51

of the fact that that I . I do remember

6:53

him drinking all the time , but he wasn't

6:55

violent , he was just kind of obnoxious . My

6:58

mom but my mom tried to keep us from him told

7:01

us he wasn't safe . She had remarried already

7:03

, and so I didn't know my dad well , and

7:05

that is something that I I

7:08

struggle with sometimes , because when

7:10

I look in the mirror I don't know what

7:13

came from . Who has you know

7:15

? I didn't know him really well , and

7:17

so it's fun when I do get around people

7:19

who know him , which is just my half sisters

7:22

, who go oh you're , you're just like dad

7:24

. You know , you got that outgoing gregariousness

7:26

from from our dad , or you got this

7:28

from from our dad . I know he was a mechanic

7:31

, lydia , and I did not get anything from him

7:33

because I was in my thirties when I learned righty , tighty

7:35

, lefty , lucy . But

7:38

it's such a good question , and the reason why

7:41

it's such a good question is because , if

7:43

I were to list some of the struggles that I have with my

7:45

relationship with God , is because I don't really

7:47

know what that

7:50

, that paternal safety

7:52

, feels like . I've had some people

7:54

stand in gaps , for sure , but

7:57

not when I was younger , and so

7:59

I don't know what it's like to

8:01

have a dad in your life

8:03

and to protect you . And

8:05

so I've , in some sense , an

8:08

exception and we can talk about the children's

8:10

home , but with the exception of that time and dad

8:12

McGowan , who passed away last

8:14

June and devastated me because he was

8:16

the closest to a father figure

8:19

for me . But

8:21

this is a point that nobody ever asked

8:23

me , actually , and is

8:25

one of the things that I struggle with the most

8:27

, because I just don't know

8:30

what that's like to be . Oh

8:32

, you're right , there are gonna be tears . I

8:34

don't know what it's like to feel

8:37

safe and regard .

8:38

Yeah .

8:39

Being picked up and held or being

8:41

protected , because I didn't get

8:43

that in my marriage either , and

8:46

so in so many parts of my life

8:48

it feels like I'm and even

8:50

on this particular day where I'm feeling

8:52

this , where I'm feeling in a world

8:54

all alone , with no

8:57

parents and very real

8:59

fears about provision

9:01

and those kinds of things

9:03

because that those things happen , they

9:06

actually happened , and so there's no one for

9:08

me to pick up the phone and call and say

9:10

hey , dad , what do you think about this

9:12

? That is , that's a pain

9:14

point for me that I didn't

9:16

, wasn't able to uncover because of all the

9:18

other trauma . But , yeah

9:20

, that lack of paternal understanding

9:23

, safety and then

9:25

the fact that God is my father

9:27

and so relating

9:29

to him , and that people

9:31

who have good fathers can be

9:33

like God is like my dad , except

9:35

for perfect Right and

9:38

so I struggle in that arena for sure

9:40

.

9:41

I'm sure . I'm sure , and that's a discussion

9:43

I've had with friends before when

9:45

we were working through the book Lies Women Belief

9:48

, and one of them is God is not

9:50

my father Like , as in God

9:53

is not who my father was

9:55

.

9:55

Right . What a great book .

9:58

Yeah , and working through that and just being

10:00

like for me , as you said , I have

10:02

a really good dad , I have

10:04

a great father and a really good relationship

10:07

, and so it's something that I can't

10:09

fully comprehend and so it's easier

10:11

for me to understand God . But

10:14

I understand , through talking to friends who didn't

10:16

have that safety and

10:18

that security , how

10:21

challenging that is to make that connection

10:23

that God is good and

10:26

safe when you haven't

10:28

had that . And it is definitely something

10:30

that I've seen friends work through

10:32

. And just

10:35

last week we were at a funeral for

10:37

some friends who lost their father and

10:39

he long ago

10:41

wasn't safe and God did

10:44

change him and he

10:46

became a good father , but

10:48

that I was sitting next to

10:50

my dad at the funeral and

10:53

that was , you know , as I was listening

10:56

to their testimonies and

10:58

I was realizing , looking around , I was

11:01

the only person with their dad in the room

11:03

.

11:03

And these friends that lost their dad

11:05

are my age and my

11:07

dad has had health issues to where he could have

11:09

died several times by now , and

11:17

he and I were both pretty emotional in that moment , as it just kind of hit us

11:19

Like wow , we're here and I'm just so thankful

11:21

it is a gift and I'm just so thankful it is a gift and

11:24

I do hope that people take from

11:26

this episode what

11:29

a gift that is , because

11:32

it's rare . I mean , lots of people have their

11:34

dads physically present in their lives

11:36

, but to have one like

11:38

I can just see your dad in that moment

11:40

sitting next to you , you know , with his arm

11:42

around you while you're mourning the

11:45

loss , and I have no

11:47

concept like zero , zero

11:49

concept of what that's like , because

11:52

when I was in the children's home I wouldn't let the amygdala touch

11:54

me . So I have no concept

11:57

of what somebody having my

11:59

back is like , with the exception of friends

12:01

, because I don't have family

12:03

, you know , and so that's

12:06

a , that's a , that's a trauma

12:09

mark that I don't think , I

12:11

often think about . I

12:13

wouldn't have ever thought about it unless you asked that question

12:15

.

12:16

I wish I could give you that

12:18

. I wish I

12:20

could share my dad . I'm glad that he had a positive

12:23

impact in your life . You , you know , even if briefly

12:26

in your life . I'm thankful for that . So

12:28

the men that you did have in your life , what

12:31

sort of impact did they have on

12:33

your view of men in general ? Because

12:35

you did eventually get married , which

12:38

is amazing anyway after

12:40

all that you had gone through . So

12:43

tell me about that .

12:44

Yeah . So it was weird , because

12:47

my mom's brother , who's my uncle

12:49

, lloyd , who is the reason , one

12:51

of the reasons why I'm sitting here today Amazing

12:54

, amazing man , not a Christian . I

12:57

think he would have said that he was a Christian , but

12:59

he was a . He was steady , a

13:01

steady , loving presence in my life

13:03

and I remember just being

13:05

how excited I would be when I would get to see

13:08

him , because every other man , literally

13:11

every other man until

13:13

age 10 , took something

13:15

from me , locked me in

13:17

a room , starved me

13:20

, hit my mom , hit

13:22

us , and so

13:24

my view of men in general

13:27

. I was abused seven different

13:29

sexual abusers and

13:32

so my view of men

13:34

as a young child , as young amy was

13:37

I'm just put on this , on

13:39

this planet , for you guys to do whatever you want

13:41

to do . They certainly were never

13:44

safe and I would have never

13:46

thought to have , if I was getting kidnapped

13:48

, even to call I

13:50

don't know who I would have called before

13:52

age 10 . But I

13:55

just looked at men as better

13:58

than me , higher than me , more

14:01

worthy than me . Their needs mattered

14:03

more than mine . I

14:06

looked at men as people

14:08

who would that I would never be good

14:10

enough for . We would . I

14:12

joke . We referenced my

14:14

sister , lisa , when she brought home a

14:17

C from school . We had a party . When

14:20

I brought home a C from school , I

14:22

got beat within an inch of my life and

14:25

so I thought that was just the way it went . I

14:28

thought you know what ? I'm a throwaway kid

14:30

. I remember thinking that Lydia , from a very

14:32

young age okay , this is my story

14:35

, because I don't have my

14:38

very first memory in this world is

14:40

a traumatic memory , and so my view

14:42

of men in that time period

14:44

was just

14:46

you guys are better than I am . I

14:49

have stuff you want you get to take

14:51

it . So I'm

14:53

just your property , I'm

14:55

just a piece of meat

14:58

for you in this world . And

15:00

then when I started going to

15:02

church and I wish

15:04

I could find Keith and Lori

15:07

Lingerfeld were the junior

15:09

church pastors when I first got

15:11

to Victory , and I remember being

15:13

terrified of Brother Keith , as we called

15:15

him , but I remember just kind of

15:17

looking , even even at 10 years old , with

15:19

my head cocked , like you're different . And

15:22

then there were . Then there was Buddy

15:24

Key . I don't know if you know Buddy Key at Victory

15:26

, but he was one of my teachers . And

15:28

then , of course , your dad , who was my youth pastor

15:31

, and so it

15:33

was interesting because in those milus

15:36

, in those environments , I

15:38

didn't look at them like I did at like

15:40

I didn't think that they thought I was a piece

15:42

of property . Now I had one eye open like

15:45

, but you might fool me , but

15:47

those people began brother Don

15:49

Sayers , who was the person that knocked on my door and

15:51

said you want to go to church ? I have some candy those

15:54

people began to show me that

15:56

it wasn't always like that . And

15:59

then , when I got to the children's home with

16:02

dad McGowan , who realized that

16:04

he was experiencing

16:06

that kid , who thought

16:08

that I wanted something from him

16:10

, and and so

16:12

he actually created something

16:14

that I could do for him that did not include

16:16

being beat or abused . And

16:20

so we would travel and sing to churches

16:22

, very similar to the way missionaries raise

16:24

money . And so eight weeks

16:26

in the summer we would travel and sing to churches , very similar to the way missionaries raise money . And so eight weeks in the summer we would travel . And Dad McGowan

16:28

called me on the PA system

16:31

on the Greyhound bus one day . He said , amy , can

16:33

you come to the front of

16:35

the bus ? I need to

16:37

talk to you . And I was terrified .

16:39

Oh yeah .

16:41

And so I make my way up there

16:43

and he's sitting on one side of . So

16:46

you know , in a Greyhound bus there's two rows

16:48

of seats . He's sitting on one side , I'm sitting

16:50

, or Mama Gal is sitting on the other , and I kneel between

16:52

them and he said I'm wondering

16:55

if you can do something for me . Yeah

16:57

, yeah , yes , sir , and I knew

16:59

in my mind I was okay because Mom was right

17:01

beside me . He

17:03

said you know , when I preach

17:06

, my mouth gets dry and

17:08

I need some water . And

17:15

I just wonder if you would mind , every night putting some

17:17

water on the wool pit for me .

17:18

And I did that for eight years .

17:19

And slowly but surely , that

17:22

man made his way into my heart . He was so

17:24

gentle , so kind , but

17:26

more than that so Christ-like

17:29

. So fast forward

17:31

until June of last

17:33

year and

17:37

Dad McGowan is 94 years old and I get a phone call and they said he's

17:39

taken a fall . He had been falling a lot

17:41

, but this time is probably it's probably

17:44

not going to make it through it . So I rushed

17:46

to the hospital and I walked in and his

17:48

eyes light up and he

17:50

thanked me for coming and and and I stayed

17:52

there quite some time . And during the time

17:54

I was there they ascertained that

17:56

he could not swallow and so they're going to be removing

17:59

liquids and food . But

18:02

before they told him that , he

18:04

said Amy , amy called

18:06

me from the other side of the hospital room and I

18:09

came over . Yes , sir , yes

18:11

, dad . He said

18:13

remember you were my cupbearer

18:15

at the children's home

18:18

. I said , yeah , dad , I remember . He

18:20

said can you sneak me some water

18:22

? Can you swab my mouth ? Can

18:25

you be my cupbearer one last time ? And

18:28

that's who he was . And

18:30

somewhere along the way I

18:33

ceased to believe that all men were

18:36

bad , between

18:38

Ray Dunning and Garth

18:40

Piper and Keith Lingreelt and

18:42

Buddy Key and Don

18:45

Sayers , and these are all people in

18:47

the church that

18:49

came out of the church into the ghetto for

18:52

a kid like me . Now I

18:54

will say to you I think it's an interesting question

18:56

because a lot of people

18:58

ask me why I haven't dated since I got divorced , because

19:02

I am terrified . There's

19:05

a part of me that still believes that

19:08

because and I'm

19:10

sure you'll ask me about

19:12

this but yes , I did get married

19:14

. It did not go well . So now

19:16

the adult version of Amy is I

19:18

can't trust anybody . I'm not about

19:21

to get married again , just to

19:23

live in a home that is a

19:25

war zone . Again , just to live in a home that is a war zone . So the

19:27

long answer to your question is . I

19:35

am learning in this season of my life that the

19:37

only men and I air quote that because I mean women too that I should be looking to for

19:39

any sort of assessment of the way mankind

19:42

is doesn't exist . There's one man

19:44

that walked this earth , and we're recording this in

19:46

Holy Week . There's

19:54

one man that walked this earth that I try to make my one , and only because I do believe

19:56

that he is my ever present help in trouble and that he will never leave me or forsake

19:58

me . But yet I still struggle with that father relationship

20:01

. And so for me , lydia

20:03

, this is a I call it a walk back

20:05

. And so you know , no

20:08

, god's not like that . God doesn't want to hurt me , god

20:10

is for me , god loves me , god

20:13

is not going to harm me . And then , of course , indicting

20:15

in this other part of my brain is yeah , but then

20:17

why did he put all those other men in your life

20:20

? And answer that question . But

20:22

in this season of my life , I'm not sure

20:24

. All my friends are praying

20:27

. They're like you're going to get married and live happily ever after , and

20:31

I'm , like , you know , not really on the bingo card for me , like I just not something

20:34

that I'm I'm pursuing , and every time I sort of

20:36

try to pursue it , I literally get sick to

20:38

my stomach . It's just . I'm terrified

20:40

. So some healing still needs to happen

20:42

there . So it's a very long answer to

20:44

that question , but most

20:46

men in my life took

20:49

things from me that I could never get back

20:51

, and unless the Lord decides

20:53

to remove it from my

20:55

memory and remove triggers

20:58

from it , then this is

21:00

a burden that I have to yoke

21:03

to Jesus' ox

21:05

, to his yoke , because I can't

21:07

, I just can't , because

21:09

no man feels

21:11

safe to me in this very

21:13

moment . And

21:16

so I love my Uncle

21:18

Lloyd , though he's a good man

21:20

. He loved me and

21:22

paid for me to go to Victory Christian Academy

21:24

, and is

21:27

a big reason why I'm sitting here today

21:29

. He was not like those people , but

21:31

men did nothing but beat me and abused

21:33

me for the better part of my life

21:35

. And so it's interesting because

21:37

I follow you so closely on Facebook

21:39

and I love the way your

21:41

family does life and I love the way Cam just

21:44

even in pictures you can tell what

21:46

a nurturing , loving

21:48

human he is .

21:50

And father he is , and .

21:52

I always kind of look at situations

21:54

like that and go man , I wonder what that's like

21:57

. And I know it's not perfect . I'm not trying to say

21:59

your marriage is perfect or Cam's perfect or

22:01

anybody's perfect , but I don't know what that's like . I don't

22:03

know what it's like to live in harmony with a man

22:05

who loves me unconditionally . I don't know

22:07

what that's like .

22:09

I thank you for those answers . I

22:11

know that was really hard , as you sort of processed

22:14

safety and men

22:16

and on that

22:19

note , when you went

22:21

to church I know that right now there's

22:23

a lot of stuff going on Did

22:25

you have safety in church ?

22:28

99% of the time

22:30

. But there was a one time and

22:32

that I was in

22:34

junior church , so I was not even in high

22:36

school yet . So I'd been going to church there

22:39

for a few years in the bus

22:41

ministry and

22:43

there were two bus captains

22:45

that went into Springfield . There

22:48

was mine and then there

22:50

was this other man and

22:52

my friend and I did not feel well and

22:54

so our junior

22:57

church leader said you guys go , you can go lie

22:59

down on the bus . And

23:02

so we both did , and

23:04

this man came onto the bus and

23:07

then just did what he did right there in the church

23:09

parking lot . And that

23:11

was not my last abuser , but getting close , it

23:14

was at that point . I was so

23:16

broken because

23:18

this had been a safe place

23:20

, and I wish that I would have told

23:22

somebody then .

23:23

But yeah .

23:25

I am one of those . I

23:29

would have told somebody then . But yeah , I am one of those , but I did not . Unlike what's going

23:31

on here in the States , a lot of these people who are abused

23:33

in the church did tell somebody in the church and

23:36

then and they just swept it over . Now I will

23:38

tell you that I went back many years

23:40

later , after I graduated from college and taught at

23:43

Victory Christian Academy , and

23:45

the pastor that was there at that time

23:47

I asked to meet with

23:49

he and his wife and I , and because that man was still

23:52

in that church , still sitting in that same spot I

23:54

don't think he was still working with children , but

23:56

he was still in the church and I taught at the

23:58

school and , um , I was

24:00

22 and

24:03

I went to the pastor and his wife and I said

24:05

, look , I know this was a long time ago . Two , and I went to the pastor and

24:07

his wife and I said look , I know this was a long time ago , but this happened

24:09

and he's still sitting in your church and they didn't do anything about it . So

24:12

I don't that one broke me in a way

24:14

because it was connected to God

24:16

in my brain . It's

24:19

like this is a man that brings hundreds , if not thousands

24:21

, of kids to church a year , and

24:23

even sitting here talking to you now I'm pretty sure

24:25

he's not with us anymore , but how

24:28

many of us were there and that's

24:30

tough , yeah , it's tough

24:32

, but yeah , he was one of the seven abusers

24:36

and , um , I , I made

24:38

contact with that friend of mine

24:40

on facebook sometime

24:43

last year before I lost my page because

24:45

I would just remember her name out of nowhere and she

24:48

went down a dark path of all

24:50

the things . And I'm not saying it's because

24:52

of that , but it certainly could have helped and so

24:54

that was . You know , it was right along

24:56

the time and I was just like you know what . I

24:58

didn't say these words to God , lydia , but bring

25:01

it , because I don't want somebody else

25:03

to have to go through this . I'm already ruined . I , I

25:05

don't want somebody else to have

25:07

to go through this . I'm already

25:10

ruined , I am spoiled . I'll never be anything . God

25:13

, you certainly won't ever use me because I'm dirty and not worthy . Because you have to understand

25:15

that during this time for our

25:17

generation , in an attempt

25:19

to get us to just behave ourselves

25:21

, they scared the crap out of us with

25:24

sexual purity messaging . Scared

25:28

the crap out of us with , with with sexual purity messaging . So you can imagine

25:30

a kid that had been abused seven times going to church , hearing this , not understanding

25:32

that those two things weren't the same abuse and

25:35

and choosing to engage

25:37

in those activities are to do two very different

25:40

things , and so lots of guilt , lots of shame , and

25:42

that's why I think I married john watson , because I think

25:44

I couldn't get any better , like

25:46

I was never the girl that said , hey , I'm going to get

25:49

married , I was just trying to survive . And

25:51

I met him . It was like , okay

25:53

, well , somebody will have me , so

25:55

let me marry him . And then I

25:57

entered a whole nother level of trauma

25:59

and hurt and pain and stuff

26:02

that I still pay for to this day . So

26:04

it's important for survivors out there who are

26:06

hearing us , or if you

26:08

have children who have been abused

26:10

and if statistics are right , at least

26:12

in North America , one out of every four women

26:14

have been it's really important to

26:17

help survivors know that it's not their fault . Little

26:20

brains can't wrap their head around that . And

26:23

even today , sometimes even telling you this story , I'm like man , I should have known better to go lay

26:25

on that , that . And even today I sometimes even telling you this story , I'm like man , I

26:27

should have known better to go lay on that bus . And

26:29

that's Satan in my ear , right , absolutely

26:32

. I was 12 years old , I

26:34

was in a church park and I had every reason

26:37

to assume I was going to be okay . So

26:39

that was tough . And then it was particularly tough when

26:41

I went back and told them and they didn't do anything

26:43

about it .

26:44

Oh sure , and you were still teaching

26:46

. How much longer were you there ?

26:49

I taught that one year and

26:51

I preached out of there and unfortunately

26:53

I kind of

26:55

threw out the peace sign to the church period for

26:57

a decade , just because I

27:00

was so tired of being hurt and

27:02

that blame all went to God . I was like you know

27:04

what , I don't need this . If

27:09

I'm going to continue to be hurt , then I'm not going to go to church and give my money

27:11

and my time and all the things . And so for a decade

27:13

I didn't , until I had a gun put

27:16

to my head one night , one Saturday night . I'll never

27:18

forget . I thought to myself you know what

27:20

? There's that church down there in the corner . Maybe I

27:22

should go , I wonder , maybe I should go . I got back into church in

27:24

one of the darkest times of my life and

27:26

I jumped forward a little bit , but I'm sure

27:28

you'll ask about that . So I

27:30

think , had they responded differently , had

27:32

they even made me feel seen

27:34

and heard and valued

27:37

, instead , it

27:39

appeared as though keeping things copacetic

27:41

and quiet and under wraps was more important to

27:43

them than the potential

27:46

that they had to help me heal by

27:48

being not only a listening ear but being

27:50

an active listener and

27:52

bringing him

27:55

the church discipline or whatever

27:57

. I don't know that they didn't believe

27:59

me . I don't know , but

28:01

it did set off a cascade of a

28:04

myriad of poor decisions on my part

28:06

, chief of which was getting out

28:08

of church .

28:09

I think that's very understandable . I

28:11

think that that would have been a

28:13

very , very difficult situation and I

28:17

think anybody would have seen

28:19

that and been like , no , I'm not having

28:21

any part of this . I don't think

28:23

that was an unreasonable response

28:25

in that moment . This

28:29

I don't think that was an unreasonable response in

28:31

that moment . And it is so sad when you hear

28:33

those stories of things not being dealt with and we are very

28:35

pro things being dealt with , Right and

28:37

so how did you get to the point ? So you went to

28:40

Bible college .

28:42

I went to Clearwater Christian College , which

28:44

was yeah , I mean , it is a Bible college , but it was

28:46

also a fully accredited liberal

28:49

arts school . And so I back up just a second

28:51

because this is kind of important to set up . This part

28:53

of the conversation is so

28:55

I was removed from

28:58

my mom by the state of Florida after her live-in

29:00

boyfriend was my seventh abuser user

29:08

and I went to church and told Gail Dunning that set off a cascade of events that removed me from

29:10

her home , and so I was in Gail and Ray Dunning's home for 18 months and then they placed

29:12

me in a children's home in Tampa , florida

29:14

, which I tell people all the time were

29:16

the best years of my life and people laugh like

29:19

really the best years of my life . It was the

29:21

kindest thing that the Dunnings could have done for me

29:23

. It was there that I began

29:25

to learn about unconditional love and

29:28

it was there that I had that encounter

29:30

with Dad McGowan . It was there

29:32

that I built and still maintain

29:34

, a relationship with Mama Gowan , who will be 91

29:36

in June . But the

29:38

reason why the setup of that is important is because

29:41

when it came time for me to go to college , of

29:43

course I had no money , no parents

29:45

, no , nothing . And

29:48

I had enrolled and been accepted

29:50

into a college in the panhandle

29:52

of Florida , pensacola Christian College

29:54

, which I'm sure you're very familiar with

29:57

. And again , one day

29:59

, on that bus , mama Gallen called me to the front of the bus

30:01

hey , amy , come here for a second . So I went

30:03

up for a second . She said hey , I just want you to pray about something

30:05

. I was like yes , ma'am , because I was

30:07

set on going to Pensacola . Now

30:09

let all podcast land know

30:12

that if Amy Bodenheimer at the time

30:14

would have gone to Pensacola Christian College , I would have lasted

30:16

about two days before I got kicked out of there . No

30:19

shade on that school . I just not

30:22

, not , not , not a fit for me

30:24

. But I didn't know that at the time . It's a beautiful campus

30:26

and I had no idea how I was going

30:28

to pay for it , but had been accepted into their pre-med

30:31

program . And

30:37

mom said I want you to pray about something . And this is where I learned to pray , by the way

30:39

, as at the children's home , pray about everything . And she said would you pray

30:42

about going to Clearwater Christian College

30:44

? I was like where's that ? She's like I was

30:46

just right over the bridge and

30:48

I was like yes , ma'am , I'll pray . So

30:51

I did . I prayed about it and got

30:53

a letter from Clearwater Christian College with

30:55

a full ride , four-year scholarship

30:57

. Shout out to Ben

31:00

Puckett and Dr Arthur Steele , who

31:02

founded Clearwater Christian College . So

31:04

I went to Clearwater Christian College on a four-year full-ride

31:07

scholarship , worked at the

31:09

children's home while I was in college , but time

31:11

of my life , loved it there

31:13

. The

31:18

school shut down in 2015 and it broke all of our

31:20

hearts , but I loved it there . Received my

31:23

bachelor's degree in biology with a minor in Bible and education

31:25

, but went

31:27

there for four years . But by the fourth year I was

31:31

22 and knew it all , like all 22-year-olds

31:34

, and left

31:36

the children's home , went back to Jacksonville

31:39

and then life went sideways

31:41

again . But yeah , that

31:43

was so . Shout out to anybody listening

31:45

who was part of that Michael Bryant

31:48

since this is the podcast anniversary episode

31:50

is an opportunity for me to some shout outs Michael

31:52

Bryant , who was a financial aid advisor at Clearwater

31:54

Christian College . Yeah , full ride

31:57

scholarship . Walked away from there with zero student

31:59

debt and a fancy degree .

32:01

Wow . And so you said that

32:03

you went and taught at Victory . So what were you teaching

32:05

?

32:06

I taught Bible , science

32:08

and math . Sixth grade . Bible

32:10

, science and math Wow , I

32:13

loved it . You know , the

32:15

one thing I don't like about organized teaching is the

32:17

730 am

32:19

you need to be in front of kids

32:22

and make sense . I know

32:24

it's time for you right now . So

32:26

that's always been a struggle for me in teaching in the

32:28

classroom . But yeah , I taught science , history and

32:30

math , loved it , loved the kids

32:32

. As a matter of fact , a couple months ago I got a

32:35

Facebook request from one of my students . I mean , this

32:37

was like 1994

32:39

. This kid's in his 30s . Hey , ms Bodenheimer , I

32:41

was in your sixth grade class , in your sixth grade class

32:43

, you know , and so we were in that old

32:45

, old building those , those are victory

32:47

listeners that are listening where the catwalk

32:50

went over to the add on building , that

32:57

was where my classroom was . It was . It was surreal being back there , but I had just come from Clearwater

32:59

Christian College , which wasn't quite as conservative as victory probably still

33:01

is , and so it was a little bit of a culture shock

33:03

for me . In that way , it was kind of

33:05

kind

33:30

of cool being back there . There were very few people that I knew . The Reynolds were there that

33:32

I knew . Gary Wheeler is another one , his wife Barbara they just keep coming to me the

33:34

painters , their daughter Dawn , who now goes by Marilyn , was a really good friend of mine . Anyway

33:36

, I digress , I could go all day long thanking people at that church and I think that's something important

33:38

to point out here is , yeah , I had a pretty significant traumatic event

33:40

there , but that is eclipsed by Lydia , all the things . I can close my eyes . I

33:43

see those red pews and I think they're still there , and the music director

33:45

who , who at the time his name was Bob Stewart , leading

33:48

us in some of the hymns that

33:50

ministered to my heart in

33:53

the darkest times . The one I'm

33:55

thinking of right now is Jesus , jesus , how

33:57

I love you . But I love

33:59

that lyric . Oh for grace

34:01

to trust you more . So

34:03

I was under the word right . I

34:06

remember there was this . There was this pastor at at Bill Rice Ranch . His name was under

34:08

the word right . I remember there was this pastor at Bill Rice Ranch . His name was Jerry Savinsky

34:10

. He was from Russia .

34:12

His son is coming to my house in a couple of weeks

34:14

.

34:15

Okay , so you got to tell him this story . Oh

34:17

, my word , this man was an amazing

34:20

preacher , but he had this Russian accent

34:22

and he had us memorize this scripture

34:25

and I cannot remember

34:27

the address , as Dad McGowan would

34:29

call it , but the verse was this if

34:32

sinners entice thee , consent thou

34:34

not . But to hear him say it in

34:36

that Russian accent was so cool . We loved

34:38

it every time . But yeah , he

34:41

was an amazing sat under amazing

34:43

, amazing preaching at Bill

34:45

Rice Ranch , Camp Maranatha

34:47

, which is where the little kids went before we got old enough

34:49

to go to Bill Rice Ranch , and so this local

34:52

church , Victory Baptist Church in Jacksonville , Florida

34:54

, continues to be the theme in this conversation

34:56

in these early years . Right , I know Jesus

34:59

because of them . I know lots

35:01

of scripture because of them . We

35:03

were going to Tennessee Temple University

35:05

in a competition and it

35:07

was your dad , as a matter of fact , and

35:09

he said , guys , he said this is

35:11

the way we win this competition . We're like , okay , tell

35:14

us how to win this competition , because we are a bunch of people

35:16

competitors . He said they're

35:19

going to ask you guys questions on the book of

35:21

James , and the

35:23

way it was set up was there were

35:25

cens sensors on the seats , and so whoever stood up first

35:28

got to answer . And so

35:30

Mr Piper said guys memorize

35:33

the entire book of James . And so

35:35

we did , and we came home with that

35:37

big old trophy . So

35:39

it's those things God's

35:42

word , hidden in my heart through these people

35:44

, that

35:53

mitigated this unworthiness that I felt , this throwaway kidness that I felt . And

36:02

as I sit here and talk to you , I'm thinking think

36:04

of all the men that did

36:06

have positive influences in my life . It's

36:09

because they had

36:12

one goal , and that was they wanted me to know

36:14

Jesus , and

36:17

I think your dad wanted that trophy . We all did . To

36:20

this day I still , if you get me started

36:22

, I probably could quote

36:24

most of the book of James .

36:26

That's a good one to quote . I was just reading it this morning

36:28

. Actually , on my phone at the moment is

36:31

James 1 .

36:34

So I will say that , and for

36:36

those of you who are listening , who are in

36:38

charge of children , first of all , you

36:40

need to understand that some of them may be coming from

36:42

trauma . You may be at the safe place , like

36:44

it was for me . But secondly

36:47

, do not underestimate the power of

36:49

the word of God , who is alive and powerful

36:51

and working in us , sharper than any

36:54

two-edged sword , able to correct

36:56

, able to lead , guide , direct

36:58

all the things . Because for those

37:00

10 years , Lydia , and the nights

37:02

when I would lay in my bed after being beat by my husband

37:05

, that was the stuff that was coming to my mom

37:07

. It was scripture that I memorized

37:09

. He collects every tears . I

37:11

remember the story of Job , and all of this was

37:14

because the local church cared

37:16

enough for a throwaway

37:19

kid , as I air . Quote it to go .

37:21

you're valuable and

37:23

because of that , in the darkest times of my life

37:25

, I know scripture and

37:27

it has been such a bomb

37:29

to my soul as

37:32

I live with the repercussions

37:34

of a lifetime of trauma , and so

37:36

I'm grateful knowing scripture

37:38

is massive and I think that it's not

37:40

done as much today and I

37:42

know I certainly don't do it as much as I did when I was a child

37:45

, but I'm glad I got in as much as I did when it

37:47

was easier . Yeah same

37:49

. But I had that when we lost

37:51

Zeke , when I grieved

37:53

and when I cried , when I couldn't

37:55

utter anything , god's

37:58

word came as a balm to my soul . And

38:01

so in that I can relate , because that was in

38:03

my darkest moments of just

38:05

ache heartache , just

38:08

total loss . And yet God's

38:10

truth would override any lies , and

38:12

I'm so thankful for that . And even in James

38:15

, in a verse I don't know if you've

38:17

read lately , but the very last

38:19

one in chapter one , I was just reading it right before we

38:21

got on it says pure religion

38:23

and undefiled before God and the Father

38:25

is this to visit the fatherless

38:28

and widows in their affliction and

38:30

to keep himself unspotted from the world . And

38:33

I was just thinking you know

38:35

, you are a widow , you are essentially

38:37

fatherless .

38:40

And here we are visiting my friend Chrissy

38:42

says it's the orphan widow

38:44

and a third one and she's like

38:46

you've got the trifecta . Everybody in the church has to

38:48

be in the same . So I often talk

38:50

with my friends We'll

38:53

go James 126 , james 126 . But

38:55

yeah , as you infer , my abuser , my ex-husband

38:58

, did die several years after we

39:00

divorced and that was a whole

39:03

new level of confusion and pain

39:05

. But yeah , I love that scripture

39:07

in James and I try to practice

39:09

it myself , because that's what this

39:11

ministry is about this podcast ministry , speaking

39:14

ministry , whatever the Lord does with

39:16

, whatever what I'm doing now and pursuing

39:18

some higher education , it is for

39:20

those that are on

39:23

the outside looking in , and that's what I was

39:25

. Most of my life was on the outside looking in . And if you were , I was . Most of my life was on the outside looking

39:27

in . And if you were to ask me

39:29

, amy , what's the one thing that

39:31

you wanted during that time and again , even

39:33

though I'm on the other side being questioned

39:35

this time it's very difficult for me not to go into the

39:38

mode that I'm on usually on this podcast

39:40

is that if you're listening

39:43

to this , I'm hoping that you're grasping

39:45

the jewels of what

39:48

it means to a kid to

39:50

love them , because if you

39:52

ask me , what would

39:54

you have said you wanted to know then ? And

39:57

I would say on this day and we're recording

39:59

this in March of 2024 , it'll come out in

40:01

April , Amy . What's your number

40:04

one desire ? Like if somebody could wave their hand

40:06

and grant you one wish . What's your number one desire Like if ? If somebody could wave their hand and

40:09

grant you one wish , what would it be ? It

40:11

was really easy . I just want to be loved and

40:14

I want to be loved without . I

40:17

want to be loved for being Amy , for being an

40:19

image bearer . I don't want to

40:21

be loved because there's

40:24

some toxic relationships , familial

40:27

relationships , in my life , that the

40:29

love is tied to what I can give and what I can do

40:32

, who I am . You

40:34

know , people think , because you have podcasts or some

40:36

real popular famous human being and all

40:38

of a sudden they're back in your

40:40

lives and just me . And

40:43

on this day I would answer that same question , the

40:45

same way I would have locked in that prison room

40:47

, as I call it , when I was three , four , five

40:49

years old . I just want

40:51

somebody to love me , amy . We don't want anything

40:54

from you , and I have a friend who

40:56

I should shout out to Cheryl Rice , who

40:58

won't take from me , because she simply

41:00

just wants to show me that she loves me when

41:03

I have nothing to offer her . And so

41:05

for those of you listening , that's all . Broken

41:08

kids want Love and

41:10

safety , like I love you , just because

41:12

you're on this planet . See , I spent

41:14

my whole life performing to get people to love

41:17

me . I thought I would lose my context

41:19

at victory if I broke a rule

41:22

or didn't memorize the scripture or

41:24

didn't do well in school . I did

41:26

all of those things , so people would

41:28

love me . And I wish on this

41:30

day in 2024 , I can look on

41:32

this Zoom meeting and tell you every day

41:34

of my life I wake up and know that I am fully loved

41:36

, fully known , fully heard , fully

41:39

valued the same thing I

41:41

say to people on this podcast every

41:44

two weeks . I struggle with that

41:46

, and those of us with significant

41:48

trauma do . I

41:50

was talking to my friend Chrissy because we were talking about dating

41:53

and I was like this is going to sound terrible

41:55

when I tell you this , because she

41:57

and I are roommates , and

41:59

I was like I don't know

42:01

if I want to get married again . And she said because

42:03

you don't want to train somebody else on

42:06

how to live with somebody with post-traumatic stress disorder

42:08

. I was like there it is . There

42:11

it is Like you know , my closest

42:13

friends know that there are two

42:15

things you can say to me that will get me through

42:17

some of my darkest times . They

42:20

are I love you and a close

42:22

second is I'm proud of you . A

42:29

close second is I'm proud of you , and what I know is that my God in heaven is both of those things

42:31

for all of us . But sometimes you just need it with skin on and so

42:33

having having those attachments

42:36

disorders , and we can go all sciencey if you

42:38

want , but not attaching

42:40

properly to parental figures . When I was three and four

42:42

years old and locked in a room and starved and beat and all the things left its marks , and so it's

42:44

remarkable that I can attach to anybody that I can have when I was three and four years old and locked in a room and starved

42:46

and beat and all the things left its marks , and

42:48

so it's remarkable that I can attach to anybody

42:50

that I can have close relationships , and then I can sit

42:53

here and be vulnerable with my friend and say , yeah , I

42:55

just want to be loved Like I don't need

42:57

anything else . I

43:00

would give up food , I would give up it all . If I just

43:02

know that somebody loves me for

43:04

who I am , not for what I can

43:06

do , not for what I've been through , not

43:09

because I have a podcast , not

43:11

because I have accomplished

43:14

anything . Amy , we love you because

43:16

you're an image bearer . Hopefully

43:18

there's some other things that they love me for too , but

43:20

that are not related to performance , because

43:23

kids like me that's what we do . We want to earn

43:25

love , and

43:29

so for those out there working with

43:31

children , you need to keep both eyes fully

43:33

open , because you never know when an Amy Watson

43:35

or Bodenheimer is going

43:38

to come . You guys are starting

43:40

a church there

43:42

in New Zealand and you never

43:44

know when a child that

43:47

is brought by somebody else and not

43:49

a parent or even a parent , needs

43:51

some intervention . And that

43:53

is really where I want my life to go

43:55

Is I want our churches

43:57

to be trauma informed . I

44:00

want our missionaries to be trauma informed . I

44:02

want our teachers to be trauma informed . I

44:04

want our lay people to be trauma informed

44:06

, because those people

44:08

at Victory weren't trauma-informed and

44:11

they still did a pretty dang good job . So

44:13

you imagine understanding

44:15

some of the things I'm trying to explain

44:17

to you guys . We need to be

44:19

loved , we need to feel safe . Safety

44:22

is paramount . Paramount

44:24

that's the first thing we provide for children

44:27

is safety , because

44:29

when they're safe they can fully be them , and

44:32

that's what Victory did for me in so many ways , even

44:34

though I did have that one event , but

44:37

that was just a very , very small

44:39

fraction of my experience there , and

44:42

so my heart for everyone listening

44:44

to this who have children in their

44:46

lives is that you would look a

44:48

little bit closer , love a little bit more , love them

44:50

a little bit tighter . Look for weird things

44:53

, because you might be their mom a gallon

44:55

, you might be their dad a gallon , you might be their only

44:57

connection to anything good . And

45:00

so you know my heart

45:02

is beating so fast . I don't know why I tell this story

45:04

all the time , but I feel like this is more

45:06

, such a more organic like

45:08

I can tell you my story , like like I'm

45:10

giving you directions to the bank , but you're asking me questions

45:13

that are making me feel it and

45:15

it's driving my desire for why

45:17

I even have this podcast is for people

45:19

to . I don't want people to look at me lydia

45:21

and go . She's got it all together . You

45:24

laugh because you know me , me , you know , but there are

45:26

some people who

45:28

don't know me . Thanks

45:30

, wow , I can never . I

45:33

can never get over my

45:35

stuff like she did . Yeah , you can step

45:38

by step , day by day , but not without

45:40

Jesus , not without him .

45:42

And with that , one of the things that I wanted

45:44

to ask was him

45:48

, and with that , one of the things that I wanted to ask was how did Jesus become a very

45:50

personal part of your story ?

45:51

You know , I made a profession of faith when I was 10 years old . I

45:54

didn't have a personal relationship with Jesus

45:56

then . I didn't know what that meant . I

45:58

remember , though , the day that I did that

46:00

, jesus became abundantly real to

46:02

me , and I was around

46:05

33 years old and I was inside

46:07

this abusive marriage and he had just done

46:09

what he did , and I thought it was over

46:11

, and it was in the middle of

46:13

the night , and suddenly

46:15

I hear this click and I feel

46:17

this metal on my temple , and

46:20

I know there's guns in the houses . And so

46:22

he is holding a flashlight and kind of pointed

46:24

it at me and his finger on the trigger , and

46:26

he pulled the trigger , and nothing happened

46:29

, and I still , to this day , don't know whether it

46:31

was empty or if it jammed

46:33

. What I do know is that it wasn't

46:35

my time to go . I pushed him off of me

46:37

and he

46:39

was drunk , and I think he actually ended up

46:42

sleeping on the floor where I pushed him . That

46:44

night , though , I looked

46:46

up into the night and it was

46:48

dark , both figuratively and literally

46:50

, and I said okay , I need you

46:53

to become real to me because

46:55

I'm scared Nobody

46:57

loves me , and if they do , it's for what I can

46:59

give them . And if I remember anything

47:01

about you , jesus , from

47:04

the messages of my youth and from my Christian

47:06

school education and my Christian college

47:09

degree , I remember that you never leave

47:11

or forsake us . So , lord

47:13

Jesus , would you please come ? And I

47:16

felt a peace that I could never

47:18

explain . I could not put into words and anybody

47:20

who knows me knows I'm decent with words but

47:24

it was like I felt like

47:26

I had this hedge of protection

47:28

about me that I was going to need

47:31

moving forward because I left him right after

47:33

that . So I moved

47:35

about three and a half hours away

47:37

and now I'm grieving a marriage . I'm

47:39

grieving where I lived , three

47:41

blocks from the beach . I now lived in

47:43

an apartment that I affected , affectionately

47:46

called the ghetto , and the

47:48

second time I remember Jesus becoming real to

47:50

me was I was standing by a closet and

47:56

I've written about this and it's somewhere I don't know where . I was standing by a closet that had

47:58

some t-shirts in it , and most of those t-shirts had places that we had been together , and

48:00

I was so , so deep in

48:02

grief which nobody understands . Everybody

48:04

wanted me to be mad at him and hate him and all

48:06

the things . And none of that was true . It was not part of

48:08

my story and I saw the

48:11

t-shirt there that

48:13

when we went to Hawaii and I

48:15

collapsed on the floor and

48:17

I just told the Lord , I was like , please just take me , I

48:20

can't , I

48:22

can't deal with this pain anymore . That

48:26

was the night that I took niron clonopin Not

48:29

necessarily in an attempt to take my life , but I wouldn't

48:31

have cared had

48:34

I died . Woke up the next

48:36

day , went to work , told my boss

48:39

, who got

48:41

one of my friends to take me to the hospital

48:43

. I was admitted for five days . So

48:45

in that moment , when I was on the floor in

48:48

my apartment , I just cried out to him

48:50

. And then , when I was

48:52

in the hospital , after having

48:54

taken those non-clonopin , I

48:56

had a roommate whose name was Stacy , and

48:59

nobody in

49:01

the psych ward is an atheist . Let me tell you that Now

49:04

they might not believe

49:06

in our God , but nobody

49:08

in the psych ward believes that

49:10

they're it . You've got to believe in something

49:12

bigger than you . And so , stacey . So

49:15

I'd asked my friend Chrissy to bring me some

49:17

pajamas in my Bible , and

49:19

so I was sitting there . I was

49:21

there for five days . I

49:23

was sitting there just looking for anything

49:25

, and anytime my heart needs to be ministered

49:27

to , there's five places . I'll go to

49:30

Matthew , mark , luke or John or

49:32

the Psalms . And

49:34

so I was reading one of the Gospels and

49:36

Stacy , who was my roommate , came up to me and said what are

49:38

you doing ? And I told her and

49:41

I said oh , let me show you this thing

49:43

that I learned . I

49:45

said have you ever heard a birthday verse ? You

49:48

know what a birthday verse is ? And

49:50

she said no , I don't know what that is . And

49:56

I said well , a birthday verse is . You take your month that

49:58

you were born and the day that

50:00

you were born and you go through

50:02

the entire Bible and you look and

50:05

you pick your favorite verse that matches

50:07

that . So I was born December the 1st , and

50:10

so my birthday verse

50:12

is Romans 12.1 . Obviously

50:14

to you , therefore , brethren , by the mercy of God , that you present

50:17

your bodies a living sacrifice , holy and acceptable

50:19

unto God , which is a reasonable service . So Stacey

50:21

was like you know , I don't know if I really

50:24

believe in this whole God thing , but

50:26

what do you think my

50:28

verse should be ? And I said well , when's your birthday

50:30

? She said my birthday's Halloween . I said okay . I

50:32

said well , let's start at Matthew . I said we're likely

50:35

not going to find it in the Old Testament , let's

50:37

start at Matthew . And this is Matthew

50:39

1031 for Stacey in the psych

50:41

, who wasn't sure that God even existed . Fear

50:44

not , therefore , you are

50:46

of more value than

50:49

many sparrows . And

50:51

she looked at me and she said is that true ? And

50:54

internally I'm going is that true ? Is

50:56

that true ? That

50:59

was another time that Jesus became the center

51:01

point of my life , because I thought , you know

51:03

, one day I'm going to stand before him for this moment

51:05

. And I said to Stacy I said it's true

51:08

. I said I know that's hard to understand

51:10

in the psych ward , especially coming from someone

51:12

here in the psych ward with you , I

51:15

struggle with this too . But let me tell you

51:17

, jesus is real Because

51:20

while this wasn't an active suicide

51:22

attempt , this was my third and

51:26

I'm still here and I

51:28

don't understand why either

51:30

one of us have gone through the things we have but I believe

51:32

that verse that I'm more valuable to him than many

51:35

sparrows . And so it's been

51:37

times like that . And then I've got

51:39

to be honest with you . I just kind of skated

51:41

my way with my relationship with the Lord until COVID happened and when I thought my business was going to be honest with

51:43

you . You know , I just kind of skated my way with my relationship with the Lord until COVID happened and

51:45

when I thought my business was going to be shut

51:47

down . Actually

51:49

, january of that year , I woke up and

51:51

my friend and I were at Disney

51:53

World because we're single and we can do that

51:55

on New Year's Eve and where we were

51:57

, I was laying in bed and I could see the fireworks

52:00

the New Year's Eve fireworks for

52:02

2019 , pushing us into 2020

52:04

. Woke up in January

52:06

of 2020 with a burden on

52:08

my heart that I still can't explain to you , like I

52:10

knew something had changed

52:13

and I was never a person to pick

52:15

a verse or pick a word of the year

52:17

, and I have since , and

52:19

actually I did 20 . The first time I did

52:21

was 2020

52:23

. Sense , and actually

52:25

I did 20 . The first time I did was 2020 . And my word for that

52:27

year was expectant , with the scripture being in Ephesians , where the Bible

52:29

says that he is able to do exceedingly

52:32

abundantly , above all that we can ask or think

52:34

. And so , as I laid there

52:36

on New Year's Day , I said , okay , lord , I don't

52:38

know what any of this means . I know

52:40

that I'm just chipping along in my life

52:42

right now . I was trying to write my memoir

52:44

. At the time , I was failing at that , running

52:47

a business but I was like I

52:49

know you got something for me . What is it

52:52

? Please tell me what it is and please enable

52:54

me to do it . Three months later , the world

52:56

shut down and just

52:58

yesterday it popped up on my memories

53:00

that I had ordered a microphone from Amazon

53:03

. My friend

53:05

had been harassing me . You

53:07

should do a podcast . You should do a podcast . I had a blog

53:09

which was like pulling teeth to get me to write , and

53:12

I was like I don't even know what you're talking about . I mean , I know what

53:14

a podcast is , but I don't know about any

53:16

of the technical stuff . But

53:20

good idea , but thanks . I was laying in my hammock in in

53:22

april or march of 2020 , about

53:25

four years ago , and the lord

53:27

said about that podcast . So these

53:29

are the times I'm explaining to you . When jesus became

53:31

so clear in my life and when he became

53:33

the star of my story is when I

53:35

stopped making the pain

53:37

the star of my story , when I stopped making the ptsd the star of my story

53:39

, when I stopped making the PTSD

53:42

the star of my story , when I

53:44

stopped making what Amy

53:46

could do , what Amy had done , what

53:48

Amy will do , the star of the story , when

53:51

I made him the star of the story , because I realized

53:53

and again this verse is in James teachers

53:56

, speakers , preachers , anybody

53:59

who is disseminating information that's

54:01

from the Bible is held to a higher standard

54:03

. And so I knew that

54:05

if I was going to go forward with this podcast , that it had

54:08

to be highlighting jesus as

54:10

a star of the story . And as

54:12

I try to live my life now , I

54:14

think of one verse that somebody

54:17

said to jesus in one of the gospels sir , we would

54:19

see Jesus , and

54:21

while I'm not perfect and my walk with the Lord

54:23

is not perfect that's the cry of my

54:25

heart is that I would help people

54:28

see Jesus . And I'm here

54:30

to tell you , lydia , and I'm here to tell the

54:32

world that there isn't a way to survive

54:35

without Jesus . And

54:37

so there was no way that

54:39

I would be sitting here today . I would still be addicted to drugs

54:41

and a bunch of other things If

54:43

I didn't have people pointing me to him , if

54:46

I didn't have that desire to point people to

54:48

him , if I didn't have the desire . I

54:50

believe it's in Hebrews . It says draw near

54:52

to God and he will draw near to you . And

54:55

now and I don't want to

54:57

sound pious when I say this

54:59

, but he is the air that I breathe there's

55:04

Jesus and then there's everything else . I try every morning

55:06

to wake up with this prayer . First of all , thank you for

55:08

waking me up . Second of all , whoever

55:10

I'm supposed to minister to today , let it be your

55:12

words and not mine . And third

55:14

, let me just divide with you , because every

55:17

day living this life , with

55:20

this in my history , with a

55:22

lifetime of trauma , it has

55:24

the potential to be a bad day , and

55:27

so I have to cling to him

55:29

. I think of the verse my

55:31

flesh and my heart fails , but you are

55:34

Lord of my strength and my portion forever . Psalm

55:36

73 , 26 . The

55:38

very long answer to that question is

55:41

there is no other way , whether you have trauma

55:43

or not , than to walk with Jesus

55:45

, maybe just a little step behind

55:47

, so that you have that safety

55:49

that I'm talking about . You have

55:51

that unconditional love that I'm talking about . There

55:54

is no other way in my opinion Doesn't mean

55:56

I always get it right , but I would

55:58

rather not be on this planet if

56:00

I had to live a life that did not include

56:02

a personal relationship with Jesus . I would

56:04

just rather not be here . So the very

56:06

long answer to your question is Jesus became paramount

56:09

in my life somewhat when I made a

56:11

profession of faith . But then after that

56:13

I was just a kid and a teenager . But

56:15

I'll never forget that night with that gun to my head

56:17

and that trigger pulled and that click and

56:20

that nanosecond that I thought

56:22

I was about to meet my maker and

56:24

while I would have met Jesus , I would not have been

56:27

ready . So I

56:29

am sorry that's a very long answer

56:31

to that question , but you got me talking about

56:33

my favorite subject .

56:34

Okay , well , thank you for sharing that , amy , and

56:37

I understand that hope

56:39

and that joy and that relationship

56:42

with Jesus and how he is everything and

56:45

how that can help you to get

56:47

through the victimhood

56:49

mentality to the

56:52

victory . Oh

56:54

, and remind me that makes me think about

56:56

what you showed a little while ago

56:58

, I think , on Facebook , how you had designed

57:00

like a business idea for

57:03

counseling services . Just tell me a little

57:05

bit about that .

57:06

Yeah , oh , I wish that that was sitting next to me , yeah

57:09

, so my senior year of college you

57:11

know , the heart wants what the heart wants , right ? I

57:13

was receiving my degree in biology because

57:16

my whole life I wanted to be a doctor , until

57:18

my sophomore year in college when I realized , no

57:21

, I don't , but it was too late to change my degree . But

57:24

I began taking classes and electives and things

57:26

that I was really interested in , and one of them was one

57:28

of those interests is psychology , and so I

57:30

took a biblical counseling and training class as

57:32

an elective . My senior year in college I

57:34

was taught by who is somebody ? Now , a really

57:37

good friend of mine teaches at Cedarville University

57:39

, dr Krista Witt . Shout out to her , she's another

57:41

big part of my story . But

57:45

one of the assignments for that class was for us to do a case study , and

57:47

so I did the case study and

57:49

at the end of it I wrote probably

57:52

and . I almost have it memorized . Probably my biggest

57:54

dream is to open

57:57

Victory Counseling Center where

58:00

people can come and not only learn

58:03

about Jesus and be introduced

58:05

to him but can also receive help

58:07

for those people like me who

58:10

have been harmed . And I and

58:12

I called it victory counseling center gaining

58:14

victory through Christ's

58:16

victory . And I found that the other

58:18

day got an , a minus on a 96

58:21

to 96% because she

58:23

said I used too many cliches , which is so funny

58:25

because I hate cliches now . But yeah

58:28

, I found that and I was like huh

58:30

, very interesting , very

58:32

interesting , because that's exactly kind of the

58:34

direction that we're headed . This , many years

58:36

later , took a big 30 year detour . That

58:39

was really cool to find . But the heart

58:41

wants what the heart wants . Like I've always

58:43

wanted to help people

58:45

in this regard . Yeah , that was kind

58:47

of fun to find and if I think about it all when

58:50

this episode drops , I'll take a picture of it and post

58:52

it again . But yeah , so , victory

58:54

Counseling Center . So it could still be

58:56

a thing you never know .

58:58

Yeah , so you had your Bible college

59:00

. You went and taught you got married

59:03

. Yeah , so you had your Bible college . You

59:05

went and taught you got married , and we've talked about

59:07

that a little bit . And then how did you go about getting

59:09

further education , or where are you at now

59:11

with that ?

59:12

Yeah , so when I was married because

59:14

it was an abusive marriage I tried to be out

59:16

of that house as much as I could . So he and

59:18

I owned a business together and I worked

59:20

that business but I earned my master's degree

59:22

in business administration in 2002

59:24

. And you know , just kind of used

59:27

that in my business life and

59:29

taught it for a couple of years when I first got divorced

59:32

and then just kind of have . I've always

59:34

again remember I told you that childhood dream was to

59:36

be a doctor . But I love to learn

59:38

, love , love , love to learn . And so when

59:40

I started this podcast in April of 2020

59:43

, as a matter of fact , this episode will drop

59:45

on the 24th of April and the anniversary

59:47

is the 22nd and so part of this

59:50

is really an honor of that and me

59:52

handing over my microphone to somebody I trust

59:54

to celebrate that and to also help

59:56

new listeners understand a little bit more about my story

59:59

. But the more I was

1:00:01

interviewing people , the more ill-equipped

1:00:03

I felt to be asking them questions on the other

1:00:06

side of the microphone and COVID

1:00:09

was doing what COVID was doing . I

1:00:11

own a restaurant management recruiting business , and so

1:00:13

it certainly got hit , got hit

1:00:15

hard , still trying to recover from that

1:00:17

, and so I knew that I needed

1:00:19

to do something else . Having

1:00:22

not been married and

1:00:24

really with no financial security

1:00:26

at all , I knew that I needed

1:00:28

to probably go back to school and go

1:00:30

work for somebody else , which is going

1:00:33

to be interesting after 30 years of

1:00:35

working for myself . And

1:00:37

so I poked around a few things . I

1:00:39

thought I was going to go to nursing school , then

1:00:42

I thought I would just work in public health , and then I

1:00:44

was in a counseling session with Dr Pettit , who was

1:00:46

my counselor one day and I said I

1:00:48

do something , I just don't know what it is . And

1:00:51

he's on his iPad looking at something . He was like how

1:00:54

about this ? And he holds up a degree

1:00:56

program from Liberty University . It's an educational

1:00:58

doctorate degree in trauma

1:01:01

and community care . And when

1:01:03

I tell you , lydia , that all

1:01:05

the serotonin and all the dopamine just

1:01:07

dumped , I was like that's for me

1:01:10

. And so , as of this recording

1:01:12

, I am 14 and a

1:01:14

half weeks , who's counting away

1:01:16

from finishing my coursework

1:01:18

for my doctorate degree in

1:01:21

educational psychology and community care

1:01:23

, and all that will be left

1:01:25

and I say all , and I do realize that

1:01:27

this is a big all , but all that will be left

1:01:30

is my dissertation after that and

1:01:32

I'm so excited because I've already been

1:01:35

able to be on the other side of this microphone with that

1:01:37

knowledge and now I've

1:01:39

got the knowledge of Jesus

1:01:41

and I can help people understand

1:01:43

the Bible and also have

1:01:45

a solid understanding of trauma and

1:01:48

how it affects kids and how it affects adults

1:01:50

and how it affects all of us and how

1:01:52

the church needs to be better informed , how the mission

1:01:55

field needs to be better informed , how people

1:01:57

need to be better informed . So I'm very

1:01:59

excited moving forward . I have no idea

1:02:01

what is going to happen when I finish the degree

1:02:03

. Maybe we open Victory Counseling

1:02:05

Center . Yeah , some exciting

1:02:08

stuff going on . I just got an internship with

1:02:10

the Trauma Institutes International . I'm

1:02:13

going to help them work on a project

1:02:15

for the Ministry of Education

1:02:18

in Singapore , helping those teachers

1:02:20

become trauma-informed , and

1:02:22

so exciting , exciting things going

1:02:24

on around here . I cannot wait . The

1:02:26

dissertation will be a big deal , but I'm

1:02:29

a writer and so it won't be as

1:02:31

daunting as somebody that hasn't ever

1:02:33

written anything . But here's

1:02:35

the dissertation . Religious coping

1:02:37

among trauma survivors Poland

1:02:39

why do some people keep the faith ? And

1:02:43

I'm going to do a series of field interviews

1:02:45

, more than I've already done , talking

1:02:48

to people trying to understand what

1:02:51

makes some of us stay with Jesus and

1:02:53

what makes people indict God and

1:02:55

turn their back from him and add

1:02:57

to the misery that has been their entire life

1:02:59

. What is that factor ? And

1:03:02

I would argue , before I even do the dissertation , that

1:03:05

it is community , that it is the

1:03:07

local neighborhood church , that

1:03:09

it is connection , that it is dynamic

1:03:11

relationships with others as

1:03:14

we all journey in our own relationship

1:03:16

with Christ , and so

1:03:18

I'm very , very excited . I

1:03:20

tease people . I just want to be called Dr Watson , I presume

1:03:22

, which is super

1:03:24

ironic because Watson is my married

1:03:26

last name . And so here is

1:03:29

a man who is not on this planet anymore

1:03:31

, who tried to kill me . The Lord

1:03:33

has built a platform using

1:03:36

his last name . If

1:03:38

that isn't Joel 225 , I don't know what

1:03:40

it is because somehow Wednesdays with Bodenheimer

1:03:42

doesn't have the same ring . Dr

1:03:45

Bodenheimer doesn't have the same ring Dr

1:03:48

Watson , and I expect everybody to say I

1:03:50

presume . No , I'm just kidding , but

1:03:54

I am super excited about that . I come alive and

1:03:56

you're hearing it in my voice already as

1:03:58

I talk about it . I

1:04:03

don't know what's next , but I know that I'm so excited for whatever it is , because I feel , I know that

1:04:05

the Lord called me to go back and get this degree . I

1:04:08

am in the thick of it right

1:04:10

now . I mean , like my

1:04:12

tired is tired , like I

1:04:15

am exhausted . I'm taking three classes

1:04:17

right now , but , yeah , really

1:04:19

excited about getting out in the

1:04:21

community . I want to teach the teachers , train

1:04:24

the trainers . Those are the things that I think

1:04:27

I'm going to end up doing . This project

1:04:29

that I'm working for in Singapore is

1:04:31

to . So the

1:04:34

Trauma Institutes International has put this

1:04:36

program in place in Singapore for the teachers

1:04:38

and I'm writing the assessment on

1:04:40

how well it worked and so

1:04:42

great resume experience . For me , the internship

1:04:44

really was a gift straight from the Lord , because

1:04:46

I have no experience , I'm

1:04:48

not going to be a clinician , I'm not

1:04:50

going to be certified , because I'm too empathetic for that

1:04:53

, and so I believe that my trauma center

1:04:55

may in fact become a reality

1:04:57

, as I do want people to experience

1:05:00

the victory that I'm sitting here with right now

1:05:02

. I do want people to experience the victory that I'm sitting here

1:05:04

with right now , and so my goal would be to bring other professionals

1:05:07

and biblical counselors psychologists

1:05:09

, holistic , you

1:05:11

know , food , nutrition all

1:05:14

of it is so tied to our mental health , and so

1:05:16

I don't know what's next . But

1:05:21

I know that I am grateful to , at this age and stage of my life , to be looking forward to the great

1:05:23

unknown and really spending whatever years

1:05:26

I have left on this earth in this

1:05:28

lane , hopefully , so that when I'm

1:05:30

no longer on this planet , people go

1:05:32

oh , we're changed because we're trauma

1:05:34

informed , and we're trauma informed because

1:05:36

somebody cared enough to teach us . So

1:05:38

that's where I am now , and these days

1:05:40

they're uncertain days , for sure . They're

1:05:43

uncertain for so many reasons , but

1:05:46

I'm getting the opportunity , lydia

1:05:48

, and these days , to

1:05:50

walk by faith , not

1:05:52

by sight , because I have no idea what's

1:05:54

next . Like most of my friends look

1:05:56

at me like I'm crazy , like what were you thinking

1:05:58

, going back to school . But I know that the

1:06:00

Lord called me to do it and I'm almost

1:06:03

done . Thank you , jesus

1:06:05

. Hopefully my listeners

1:06:07

will benefit from it on the episodes that were

1:06:09

able to provide some insight into

1:06:12

trauma and how to treat it , how to

1:06:14

recognize it and , more

1:06:16

importantly , how to introduce the story into the

1:06:18

narrative .

1:06:20

Well , I can tell you 100%

1:06:22

that your podcast has already made a big difference

1:06:24

in a lot of people's lives and it's

1:06:26

a really powerful way . You know

1:06:28

you think of a counseling center

1:06:30

, or you know the dream

1:06:32

that you have and that

1:06:34

can be limited to a small center and

1:06:37

it can be limited to whoever you have enough

1:06:39

hours in the day to see , which is so

1:06:42

limited . And yet what

1:06:44

you've been doing here for the last four years

1:06:46

is you've been plodding through

1:06:48

, you've been pushing through

1:06:50

the heartache and the heartbreak and

1:06:52

when the Facebook page

1:06:55

gets taken down and it seems like I've

1:06:57

lost my progress , all this stuff God

1:07:00

has said , look , it's mine .

1:07:03

It's not yours .

1:07:04

And I can grow it .

1:07:05

But by doing it , through this , through

1:07:08

your faithfulness in this and your hard

1:07:10

work , that has allowed

1:07:12

people all around the world who wouldn't have

1:07:14

any opportunity to come to a clinic . They've

1:07:17

been able to learn so much . And I know , even

1:07:19

the other day , on the way to ladies retreat , I had a

1:07:21

lady in my car and we were listening to your podcast

1:07:24

and she's like I

1:07:27

can't even believe it . She's like , oh , this is just

1:07:30

answering so many questions and giving me so

1:07:32

many more . And but

1:07:34

sometimes people don't listen to a podcast

1:07:37

until you know you make them and

1:07:39

then they're like , wow , and then they're listening

1:07:41

to so many more after that . And so it's

1:07:43

been . You know , as you look back and

1:07:45

I know that the devil will give you doubts

1:07:48

, but you can remember that

1:07:50

I've said this just now and it's going to be

1:07:52

on the podcast that you

1:07:54

have made an impact and

1:07:57

you have done one day at a time and

1:07:59

you've done one podcast at a time . And

1:08:02

how many episodes did you say you have now ?

1:08:04

We are at 117 . And thank you

1:08:06

for that Because it is

1:08:09

. Podcasting is difficult , you know it's

1:08:11

not . It's not

1:08:13

easy , it's not inexpensive

1:08:15

. It is . It's an investment

1:08:17

of emotional , time and energy

1:08:19

, and so I appreciate you

1:08:21

saying that . But I would also be

1:08:24

remiss if I didn't say that

1:08:26

the Lord has been so faithful to

1:08:28

allow me the medium and

1:08:31

he's gifted me with the

1:08:34

. I'm not one that's usually for

1:08:36

a loss of words , and so one

1:08:38

of the comments I get the most is I

1:08:40

like listening to your podcast because your voice is so

1:08:42

soothing . That is not something

1:08:44

that I can do . That is a gift given

1:08:46

to me from the Lord . I got a message

1:08:49

from somebody in New Zealand on a particular podcast

1:08:51

that said wow , this particular

1:08:53

episode answered so many questions . And

1:08:56

those messages listeners , when you send them to podcasters

1:08:58

keep us going . But this is

1:09:01

my heart when it comes to

1:09:03

the podcast . It's in Psalm 45

1:09:05

, verse 1 . My heart

1:09:07

is stirred by a noble theme as

1:09:09

I recite verses for

1:09:11

my king . My tongue is

1:09:13

the pen of a skillful writer

1:09:15

and at the end of it all , lydia , I

1:09:18

just want to be found faithful . I don't want to be the person

1:09:21

that , when I get to heaven . God said I

1:09:23

gave you this talent that you didn't use , and

1:09:25

so I am so grateful that

1:09:27

this podcast has been heard around the world

1:09:29

. And I could get into

1:09:32

the comparison game . I'm part of a Christian

1:09:34

Podcasters Association where they're getting hundreds

1:09:36

of thousands of downloads . This podcast

1:09:38

doesn't get that , but what I always

1:09:41

go back to is , first of all , it's not

1:09:43

mine . And secondly , if you

1:09:45

told me , hey , amy , there's this one

1:09:47

person that needs to hear what you have to

1:09:50

say , would you do it Absolutely

1:09:52

, and so would I do it for that number that

1:09:54

I see on the downloads . Of course

1:09:56

, my prayer every day is that I would

1:09:58

remember that this is for an audience of one , that

1:10:01

he can take it and he can multiply

1:10:03

it . And you mentioned my Facebook page being taken

1:10:05

down by Facebook after 16

1:10:07

years and 3,000 followers

1:10:10

. That word still makes me a little

1:10:12

queasy in social media followers , 3,000

1:10:14

friends , whatever we want to call them gone . And

1:10:17

that was the major vehicle besides

1:10:19

Instagram that I was telling people that the podcast

1:10:21

had existed , and the podcast has done nothing

1:10:23

but grow since that page has been taken down

1:10:25

. And so I was sitting in a

1:10:28

place of repentance and , okay

1:10:30

, god , facebook isn't God

1:10:32

. Instagram isn't God . Twitter isn't

1:10:34

God . You are , and

1:10:36

I will use that platform as long

1:10:38

as they let me and as long as they don't hide

1:10:40

stuff from us . We will use it until

1:10:43

we can , but we understand that it's rented land

1:10:45

and that this podcast is his , not

1:10:47

Facebook , not Amy's , not anybody's

1:10:49

. And so for anybody that's been helped

1:10:51

, I am so privileged because

1:10:54

all I am doing is using

1:10:56

my tongue as the pen of a skillful

1:10:58

writer to articulate

1:11:01

and help others tell their stories

1:11:03

and the faithfulness of God , and

1:11:05

so having this medium is so

1:11:08

remarkable . I have no desire to

1:11:10

be famous . I have no desire to be Joe Rogan

1:11:12

. I have no desire for everybody to know my name

1:11:14

. I have all the desire for

1:11:17

everybody to know the name of Jesus

1:11:19

and that one day , every knee

1:11:21

will bow , every tongue will confess

1:11:23

that he is Lord , and

1:11:26

for them to hear somebody who has been through something

1:11:28

, from being locked in a prison

1:11:30

room when I was three years old , having a gun to

1:11:32

my head when I was 35, . I am

1:11:34

still here to tell you , lydia

1:11:37

, that all of my

1:11:39

life he has been faithful , all

1:11:42

of my life he has been good , and

1:11:44

I don't say those words as empty platitudes

1:11:46

. I believe them with my whole heart

1:11:49

, because I should not be

1:11:51

sitting here today . I

1:11:53

should be dead . It's that

1:11:55

simple . And I'm not

1:11:57

. And we're celebrating

1:11:59

four years the Wednesdays with Watson podcast

1:12:01

, 15 and a half weeks away from

1:12:04

finishing coursework and I'll be an official

1:12:06

doctoral candidate . All of

1:12:08

my life he has been faithful and I'm so

1:12:10

grateful for every listener over the last

1:12:13

four years , everybody who's ever

1:12:15

shared this podcast , everybody

1:12:18

who has ever reached out to me , even

1:12:21

that one person that gave me a one-star review . I

1:12:23

am so grateful

1:12:25

and I can't believe that I get to

1:12:28

do this , that I get to every

1:12:30

two weeks , get behind this microphone , whether

1:12:32

it's with somebody else or just me , and

1:12:35

that there are people that care enough

1:12:37

about what is on this podcast to stick

1:12:39

an earbud in their ear or to share

1:12:41

it with a friend . It's mind-blowing

1:12:43

to me . There's an old song we

1:12:45

used to sing little is much when God is in

1:12:47

it . Labor , not for wealth or fame . There's

1:12:49

a crown and you can win it if

1:12:51

you go in Jesus' name . And

1:12:54

may it be said of me , as I hold my

1:12:56

hand up to him , that

1:12:58

I always , always

1:13:00

, always , do this for him , not

1:13:03

for me , not for fame , not for

1:13:05

fortune , not for any of

1:13:07

that , not even to get the jewel

1:13:09

, but to help people get in front

1:13:11

of him on the only day of their lives that

1:13:14

matter if they don't know him . So

1:13:16

I'm so grateful for the medium and

1:13:18

I'm grateful for the continent that you live on , where

1:13:20

about 30% of my listeners are right now , and

1:13:22

I'm grateful for the continent that you live on , where about 30% of my listeners

1:13:24

are right now , and so , wow

1:13:27

, what a journey it's been . Over four years Haven't

1:13:29

missed an episode . That's

1:13:31

pretty uncommon .

1:13:34

That's amazing .

1:13:35

That is just pure grit

1:13:38

, and sometimes you

1:13:40

know the Lord obviously has enabled it . I

1:13:42

also would be remiss , while we're talking about the podcast

1:13:44

, if I didn't shout out my producer

1:13:46

, whose name is Amy Hyland . I have

1:13:48

so many Amy's in my life , but Amy

1:13:50

has done an incredible job , because

1:13:53

if I were the person editing

1:13:56

these and adding the music to it and all the things

1:13:58

, it would never get done . And so shout

1:14:00

out to Amy Hyland , who

1:14:02

is my producer . Shout out to

1:14:04

Micah Uren , who does the YouTube

1:14:06

stuff . Shout out to the

1:14:09

prayer warriors all over this world , including

1:14:11

yourself , that holds this podcast up before

1:14:13

an almighty God and says please do

1:14:15

what you want with it . Shout out to

1:14:17

I recently became friends with Cindy

1:14:20

Franklin on Facebook . She was my English teacher

1:14:22

at Victory . I said this

1:14:24

is all because of you . This is what

1:14:26

I told her , and so shout out to

1:14:28

the people that , along

1:14:30

the way , have just put their DNA

1:14:33

onto this

1:14:35

throwaway kid , because God

1:14:37

says she's not a throwaway kid and

1:14:39

, as James 1.26 says , these

1:14:41

are the people that you're supposed to take care of , and so

1:14:44

so many people that I'm probably

1:14:46

leaving out Rebecca Millett , who did a lot

1:14:48

of my graphics , brittany Knight , who did the podcast

1:14:50

cover , and that friend who

1:14:53

said Amy , you should do a podcast . My name is JT

1:14:55

and she lives in Texas . Shout

1:14:57

out for pushing me to do this podcast

1:14:59

. So grateful to you listeners out

1:15:02

there that every I wake up

1:15:04

every Wednesday morning and there are a certain number

1:15:06

of you that , faithfully , have already downloaded

1:15:08

it , and I can always tell which ones are New Zealand

1:15:10

, because the podcast drops at midnight

1:15:13

, and if I wake up in the middle of the night , there are

1:15:15

tons of listens and I'm like , yep , those are the New Zealand

1:15:17

people , and so , but

1:15:19

? But thank you , listeners for trusting me

1:15:21

. Thank and so , but thank you , listeners for trusting me . Thank

1:15:23

you . I realized that time is not something that we're getting more of , and

1:15:26

so thank you for spending time with

1:15:28

us with me . Shout out to Eric

1:15:30

Nevins Christian Podcasters Association

1:15:32

. He is the reason why I didn't quit at

1:15:34

the beginning . Love that group of people

1:15:36

and there's a ton of people there . They all know who they are . Thank

1:15:39

you to some of the Patreon . I

1:15:41

have two or three Patreon supporters that

1:15:44

support the podcast , and I could

1:15:46

go on and on and I probably have forgotten people

1:15:48

, my friends , my family , especially

1:15:51

when I first started the podcast , I was all about

1:15:53

it . I mean , like you couldn't be on my Facebook page

1:15:55

without seeing a podcast post . But

1:15:58

, most importantly , thank you , jesus

1:16:00

for the abilities , for the knowledge

1:16:02

, for the technology , for

1:16:07

the medium and for the desire , but most of all for the calling , and I love the verse Lydia

1:16:09

, faithful is he who calls you who also do it

1:16:11

. I believe that's in 1 Thessalonians 1.6

1:16:13

. And

1:16:20

so , yes , it's been a remarkable journey . My

1:16:22

life is not without the ills of some of these things that we've talked about today , but I serve

1:16:24

a God who is bigger than all of it , and

1:16:27

we fight an enemy who wants to destroy

1:16:29

us , who is not for us , and on days like

1:16:31

today , he's mad . He's

1:16:33

mad Four years of

1:16:37

the gospel being out there . There's

1:16:39

an enemy that does not want this to

1:16:41

happen , and so I

1:16:44

am so grateful and you guys will watch

1:16:46

me , all of April , act like a child

1:16:48

. Ironically , trying to think of those

1:16:50

things to do that can be videoed is

1:16:52

harder than actually doing them , but I spent

1:16:55

the whole month of April I call it the

1:16:57

lost childhood challenge doing childlike

1:16:59

things , because that's indicative

1:17:01

of healing , and so when you're listening to this

1:17:03

episode , 24 of them will have already

1:17:05

been released and you can go back and look at those on

1:17:07

social media . But , yeah , super

1:17:10

, super grateful , no plans to stop

1:17:12

. Can't wait to have Wednesdays with lots and with letters

1:17:15

behind my name and just look

1:17:17

, time is short and

1:17:19

the mission is critical , and so I

1:17:22

will not stop giving

1:17:24

people the hope of the gospel in the face of unimaginable

1:17:27

dark trauma and pain

1:17:29

and all the things that the world says should

1:17:31

take you down . I won't stop

1:17:33

shouting from the rooftops that that doesn't have to be

1:17:35

the story . I won't do it If

1:17:37

I have to get on a literal rooftop

1:17:39

because we don't have podcasting

1:17:42

anymore . I won't stop because

1:17:45

I believe that verse in Psalm 45.1

1:17:47

is I recite verses for my

1:17:50

king . My tongue is a pen of a

1:17:52

school for writer , and that is the

1:17:54

desire of my heart

1:17:56

for this podcast and for anything that

1:17:59

it turns into . I'm speaking engagement and we crossed

1:18:01

Georgia on June the 8th , and so the Lord has opened some doors and filled in the desires of my heart that it turns into . I'm speaking engagement

1:18:03

when we crossed Georgia on June the 8th , and so the Lord has opened

1:18:05

some doors and fill in the desires of my heart . And

1:18:07

so , four years later , here we

1:18:09

are . This has been cool , being

1:18:11

questioned by you and

1:18:13

the listeners , hearing from a very vulnerable

1:18:16

spot some of these things that

1:18:19

the Lord has redeemed .

1:18:20

Well , thank you for the opportunity to have this conversation

1:18:23

and it's exciting to

1:18:25

see what God's doing in your life , and we'll

1:18:27

keep cheering you on as you faithfully

1:18:30

walk through those valleys and

1:18:32

the mountaintops , and we're excited

1:18:34

to see where this goes .

1:18:36

Well , thank you , and thank you for being

1:18:38

a part of this . Thank you for being

1:18:41

on and telling Zeke's story We'll

1:18:43

link that in the show notes because

1:18:45

Lydia is not without her own pain

1:18:47

and trauma but thank you for being willing

1:18:49

to do this . I wouldn't trust many people to do this , and

1:18:54

so thank you for that . And I hope that we've honored the Lord

1:18:56

first of all , and I hope that we've highlighted

1:18:58

his faithfulness in four years

1:19:00

of telling stories , whether they

1:19:03

be mine or somebody else's . And if you

1:19:05

are listening to this podcast and

1:19:07

you pray we would love it if

1:19:09

you would continue to pray this podcast

1:19:11

will go where it's supposed to go and do what it's supposed

1:19:13

to do , and so , as

1:19:16

you pray for us , pray for

1:19:18

me that I will be sensitive

1:19:20

to that , because this is a message that

1:19:22

is not mine , and oftentimes I don't

1:19:24

even remember what I say . When I get behind this . This mind

1:19:26

very excited to see what's

1:19:28

next for us here at the Wednesdays with Watson podcast

1:19:32

, other things .

1:19:33

Before you go , amy Watson

1:19:36

you're seen and

1:19:38

you are loved and you are valued

1:19:41

and you are heard , and , and

1:19:43

you are heard and you are known , and God

1:19:45

loves you so much and he

1:19:48

is seeing what you're doing here , and so

1:19:50

are we .

1:19:53

Oh , you didn't make me cry until the end , all

1:19:56

right , well , listeners , we are going

1:19:58

. I'm going to take over the mic just for a second , just for a few

1:20:00

housekeeping things . Thank you again , lydia

1:20:03

, for this . I hope that you guys have enjoyed

1:20:05

it . Thank you to all the listeners who have been with us . Thank

1:20:07

you again to Amy Hyland . We are

1:20:09

on to the next four years . So

1:20:12

what we got coming up for you May is

1:20:14

Mental Health Awareness Month . I'm

1:20:16

going to be focusing heavily , heavily

1:20:18

, on the trauma-informed fill in the

1:20:20

blank for the month of May , and then

1:20:22

in June is PTSD Awareness Month . That

1:20:25

will probably be two solo

1:20:27

episodes where I am offloading some

1:20:29

of the information that I have learned about PTSD

1:20:31

onto you guys , and so that's what we have coming up

1:20:33

for the next couple months , and so I hope

1:20:35

that you will continue to tune in and subscribe

1:20:38

and follow the podcast , if you have not , and

1:20:40

we will see you here in two weeks

1:20:42

for our first episode that

1:20:44

we are going to be talking about

1:20:46

the trauma-informed fill

1:20:49

in the blank . I don't know what they're still going to be yet

1:20:51

, and so we will see you guys in two

1:20:53

weeks .

1:20:56

Thanks for listening . You

1:20:59

have saved me from certain

1:21:01

death . You have shown yourself

1:21:04

faithful to me Over

1:21:08

and over Jesus . So

1:21:10

let my life glorify

1:21:13

you and teach me to

1:21:15

walk beside you

1:21:17

. And I want to be

1:21:20

more like you , so let

1:21:22

my life be one more try

1:21:24

. I love you , and

1:21:33

when my hope is fading

1:21:36

and when worries do

1:21:38

assail me , I

1:21:41

will remember how

1:21:43

you you never failed

1:21:45

me . You

1:21:47

have pulled me out from

1:21:50

the depths . You have saved

1:21:52

me from certain death

1:21:54

. You have shown yourself

1:21:57

faithful to me over and over Jesus

1:21:59

. So let my life glorify you and teach me to

1:22:01

walk beside you . I want to be

1:22:12

more like you , so let my life

1:22:15

be one marked by you , marked by you

1:22:17

, marked by you . You , my you

1:22:25

.