0:00

Hey friends, we're doing this right, right.

0:03

This is Cheryl Medeiros this week. We

0:05

are resharing one of my personal

0:07

favorite episodes and one that I continue

0:10

to hear myself. Refer to when

0:12

we're recording. This one is

0:14

Despi Mayes. The big little question.

0:17

If you've already listened to it, I suggest you listen

0:19

again. I promise you'll get more nuggets.

0:22

And if this is your first time listening, buckle

0:25

up, you're going to love it. See

0:27

you guys next week.

0:31

I've done the thing, I've got promoted, I have

0:33

the good salary, I have the kids and the house

0:35

and the relationship and all the things that society

0:38

says are part of the total package. And

0:41

yet I still feel like something is missing.

1:21

welcome back friends.

1:22

Hi, friends.

1:23

to have you here.

1:24

Hello.

1:25

so happy to have you here and we

1:28

are so excited because we've

1:30

been really wanting this guest to come on,

1:33

right?

1:34

So welcome Despi Mayes. How

1:36

are you?

1:37

Hey, I'm great and so happy to

1:39

be here.

1:40

Yes.

1:40

We're thrilled to have you. So Despi

1:43

Mayes is a doer, which

1:45

speaks my language. Over the last 20

1:47

years, she has built museum exhibits,

1:49

corporate websites, and mobile apps and

1:51

marketing plans. At her professional

1:53

core, she's a content creator and a technologist,

1:56

but her other titles have included

1:59

keeper, board chair. Afterschool

2:01

art teacher. There's no single definition

2:04

that can pin her down. Her latest project is

2:07

a book, the Big Little Question, which

2:09

explores how self-worth satisfaction

2:11

and success are inextricably

2:14

linked. The book is a toolkit for

2:17

overwhelmed professional women high looking

2:19

at me, who are ready to stop

2:21

repeating exhausting cycles and

2:23

settle into rich satisfying lives they

2:25

love. Okay, great.

2:27

Glad you're here.

2:29

Uh, I wanna just highlight

2:31

something that I think is really important before we do

2:34

like, jump right into this. What

2:36

I love about listening to

2:38

your bio Despi is. I

2:41

feel like very similarly, I've

2:43

done a million things and you've done a

2:46

million things. And I think in previous

2:48

times in society that's looked

2:50

at as like bad, right? Or

2:52

that like you're jumping around or

2:54

you're not stable or X, Y, and Z.

2:56

But I mean, I think like

2:59

when I listen to all of that, I'm like, Well,

3:01

that is really cool,

3:04

like amazing that

3:06

you can use all of your talents in

3:08

such a different, different ways, and

3:10

that you have so much value to bring to people,

3:13

including like a beekeeper,

3:15

like my brain's, like you're

3:18

the coolest person, um, I've

3:20

ever met. So I'm super excited to

3:22

just dive into all

3:24

of this, so, I

3:27

mean, I know we have a billion questions, Cheryl, where

3:29

do we even start with this?

3:31

Well, Despi, we read your

3:34

bio, but. Tell us who

3:36

you are.

3:36

Yeah, that's

3:37

I, I'm so glad that that bio

3:39

was resonant because, I've

3:42

really been struggling at this point in my

3:44

career to talk about who I am

3:46

and what I do in a way that fits into

3:48

any one category. And recently

3:51

I just decided to stop trying. I

3:54

think that my background is

3:56

so diverse and, as I'm

3:58

considering What do I wanna do next?

4:01

Who do I wanna work with? Those kinds of questions.

4:04

there's not one single answer that

4:06

is true all the time, right? It's always changing

4:09

and evolving, and I wanna be open to whatever's

4:11

coming and be present with

4:13

the people who show up in my life and I

4:15

connect with. And so this

4:18

bio. And this way

4:20

of just looking at career and life

4:22

is new for me, but it

4:24

really is not new, right? It's just new.

4:27

My accepting it is new

4:29

Yeah, and I think the more

4:31

we talk about,

4:32

in.

4:33

yeah, nobody puts baby in a corner or

4:35

a box, but I think what's cool is,

4:38

I'm starting to see that a little bit more, and I feel

4:40

like I've done a similar evolution where I've

4:42

tried to like, be like, oh, no,

4:45

I, I know so much about real estate because

4:47

I did, I, you know, because I was

4:49

in construction, in design, blah,

4:51

blah, blah. But it's also like I had 13 years of

4:53

a completely different career prior to that, and.

4:57

We shouldn't be hiding those experiences and

4:59

we shouldn't be hiding the fact that, that

5:01

these are different. I think there's

5:04

a thread between all of those things

5:06

and why you've chosen those things. And

5:08

I, I really think the more we talk

5:10

about it, the more we normalize, like change

5:14

and evolution, the

5:16

more helpful that is to so many people,

5:20

especially women. I think this is a,

5:22

something that hits women in a very deep

5:25

way because. Our

5:27

life changes depending on, on the

5:29

stages of life that we're in.

5:32

Absolutely. And I think also The

5:35

definition of who we are is informed

5:37

so much by the fact that we're women. You

5:39

know, it certainly isn't the only aspect,

5:41

right? But it is one that

5:43

for better or worse, we have

5:46

to navigate the the

5:48

pros and the cons of that. And this

5:50

book, as I was writing it, I

5:53

had a really amazing accountability

5:56

partner who is a man. Who found

5:58

the topics in my book, totally resonant.

6:01

as I was finishing it and

6:03

working with my editor, I

6:05

was really torn because the

6:07

research I did in writing the book was with

6:09

women, professional women specifically

6:12

who are mid-career, really

6:14

trying to figure out, Hey, what am I gonna do next?

6:18

Or Why am I not feeling satisfied

6:20

and fulfilled by what I'm currently doing? You

6:23

know, this is everything I thought I wanted, and now

6:25

what?

6:26

Yeah.

6:26

and because so

6:29

much of what I ended up writing about

6:31

was so specific to the experience

6:33

of being a woman at work, my

6:35

editor said, I think you have to lean

6:37

into that. You know, people, everyone can

6:39

get something out of it, but it really is a unique

6:43

lens to look through.

6:46

I am noticing constantly

6:49

the middle-aged men in my life

6:52

are so lost.

6:55

They've achieved, they've achieved, they've done everything they

6:57

were supposed to do and they've

7:00

landed where target was on and

7:02

now, and it's the now what? And

7:05

I, I, kind, I wonder, Despi,

7:07

I don't know if you have children. I have children. Colleen has

7:09

children. No, it like maternity

7:12

leave almost gave me the opportunity to

7:15

pivot It was, it was

7:17

like a very clear, like people at work

7:19

were even like, well, you're not coming back. You're

7:21

not gonna come back after this. So it was like kind

7:23

of like a really open door to do that, where

7:26

like my husband or maybe someone without

7:28

children doesn't necessarily get that same opportunity

7:31

or that same, yeah,

7:33

just chance to do that without

7:36

people feeling like. You're

7:38

just abandoning or you're quitting or, or you failed

7:40

because you left that, like, I never, nobody looks

7:43

at me and says, Cheryl, you failed commercial

7:45

insurance and corporate life because

7:47

you quit. No. They're like, oh,

7:49

it didn't fit your life anymore. So you made a

7:51

change. and I think that everybody

7:55

should be able to take that and

7:57

do that and run with that. but not

7:59

everybody gets the same kind of out that

8:01

some people get.

8:03

That's really interesting. when I wrote this

8:05

book, I interviewed 50 women. We

8:08

had these hour long, amazing conversations

8:11

about life and fulfillment

8:14

and what that looks like. And

8:16

so many of them were mothers and they talked

8:18

about This

8:21

duality or this challenge of

8:24

be on the one hand, exactly what you're

8:26

saying, Cheryl, that the expectations

8:28

of you at work are definitely in

8:31

the context of motherhood and

8:34

then the, all the struggles that come with that. You

8:36

know, feeling like you're not doing enough

8:38

in either place, because you're

8:41

juggling. A lot of people talked about that. But

8:44

what I thought was really interesting, and that seemed

8:46

universally true, is that when I asked

8:48

people, what is it

8:50

that you think would make you feel the

8:52

most fulfilled, the most satisfied,

8:55

or content, the stuff they talked

8:57

about was, I wish I

8:59

was taking care of my body. I

9:01

wish that I was spending time with my

9:04

kids. I wish that I was

9:06

pursuing these things that I enjoyed, or

9:09

things I've dreamt about, but never have taken

9:11

the time to do. And

9:13

when I ask them, and I think for

9:15

men, this might apply too, right? It's like

9:17

you go through this achievement path and

9:20

you do, you check all the boxes. And these women

9:22

were echoing those very same sentiments.

9:24

Like I've done the thing, I've got promoted, I have

9:26

the good salary, I have the kids and the house

9:29

and the relationship and all the things that society

9:31

says are part of the total package. And

9:34

yet I still feel like something is missing. but.

9:38

They haven't given themselves the permission

9:40

to really get in touch with what

9:42

is personally meaningful for them. So

9:44

when I asked them, what is it? What do you think

9:46

you should do? Almost unilaterally

9:49

people said, oh, I need a different job. And

9:52

I thought that was such a funny and interesting thing because,

9:56

tie so much of our satisfaction

9:59

and our identity into our work. Sometimes

10:01

to a point where we can't see ourselves anymore,

10:04

you know, and we

10:06

can become amazing, awesome. At work.

10:08

And that part of us we love and it's,

10:11

it's doing the thing. But

10:14

when we're not at work, we don't really know who

10:16

we are. And this book is really written

10:18

for people who are struggling with that feeling

10:20

of like, I, I'm

10:23

killing it at work. You

10:25

know, I feel I've completed

10:27

my, my trajectory for my goals,

10:30

but now what, how do I, at

10:32

the end of the day, when I put my head on the pillow at

10:34

night, feel fulfilled.

10:38

So relatable because you're

10:41

told from such a young age, right?

10:43

You go to school, you go to college,

10:46

you get a job, you get married,

10:48

you have children, you do

10:52

X, Y, and Z and people are achieving

10:54

that. I would say in a,

10:56

in a span of a life, really

10:58

early on, you've checked, like

11:00

you keep saying, like we've said, and I've definitely

11:02

felt this and career change

11:05

has been the thing that I think for me has kept,

11:07

kept, I don't wanna say kept me alive, but

11:09

like kept my spirit alive, is

11:12

to be able to change and evolve. But

11:15

because when you get to a point like I. Like

11:17

I said, I was in sports medicine for 13 years. I checked

11:19

all the boxes and I worked in

11:22

every level of that, from professional

11:25

and to middle school. Right. And now

11:27

I'm like, and now what? Now there's

11:29

nothing left for me to do. And

11:31

I, and you feel that so personally

11:33

and you feel like you're the only one that that's happening to,

11:36

but you interviewed a hundred women,

11:39

like, and that is pretty universal.

11:42

And I, you know, it's so interesting

11:44

and I love that you're bringing that To

11:47

the forefront or to the conversation that, you

11:50

know, like this is normal and, and

11:52

there's no roadmap. There's an early checklist.

11:55

We love checklists on the show. There's an early checklist

11:57

given to us in life, but

11:59

it ends so abruptly. And then, and

12:02

then what? Where's the checklist for the rest?

12:06

I am watching right now on Max

12:08

or HBOA docu the 1980s

12:11

docuseries, just about like all the changes that

12:13

happened in 1980s. And I am gonna point some fingers at

12:16

1980 for fucking up a lot of shit in

12:18

this world, um, because.

12:21

Like what the,

12:22

Best and worst. They were great, but the

12:24

1980s was obsessed with money and

12:27

wealth and living

12:29

big and all. Like it really

12:31

kind of set us up for these lifestyles and

12:33

these like career-driven paths and

12:37

Princess Diana rest in peace like you did that

12:39

big princess wedding and now capitalism

12:41

around weddings is insane because

12:43

everybody saw Princess Diana's weddings and then that

12:45

set the norm for what each of us are a princess

12:47

on our wedding day. And like there's

12:49

just so many things that date back to the eighties

12:52

that I'm like. Holy smokes. Would you

12:54

look at that? Anyhow, just been

12:56

watching this docuseries and I'm obsessed with it.

12:58

So, and you can use our

13:00

endorsement code. We're sponsored by HBO,

13:03

ladies and gentlemen,

13:04

Well, and to that point, I think that's,

13:07

there's a really, there was a big push

13:09

during that time for career women

13:11

and breaking the glass ceiling. And

13:14

this is when We talk about

13:17

latchkey kids, this is when we talk

13:19

about women going full force in,

13:21

into the workforce and trying to

13:23

be equal. And that

13:26

equality was clearly not there, obviously, but

13:28

pushing so hard. And the effect that that had,

13:30

and I don't mean this in a. Um,

13:35

traditional, patriarchal way, but the

13:37

effect that that had on children, right?

13:39

Like this was the first time, you

13:42

know, like other than like during wars

13:44

and stuff like that, where women were full

13:46

force with

13:48

their shoulder pads walking into boardrooms

13:51

and, really being CEOs on

13:54

a larger scale and really being in the

13:56

workforce and they're

13:58

not being a parent at

14:01

home. Not always

14:03

being a caretaker at home. And I think

14:05

that that changed who

14:07

we are and who, you know, if you're born in

14:09

the eighties and the nineties, like how you

14:11

were raised and how those societal goals

14:14

were set for you and. We

14:17

were supposed to be really high achievers and

14:19

a lot of us are, and now we've

14:22

achieved all the things too early Now

14:24

we don't. It's like, it's like that thing where you're

14:26

like, I know what to do with my hands. Like that's kind of where

14:28

we're at now, right?

14:31

Yeah, That's a good way of saying it.

14:33

I like that metaphor. Yeah,

14:35

it's true. And I think that all that

14:37

achievement is awesome, right?

14:39

And, and women having the option to

14:42

do whatever they're called to do. I

14:44

think that the

14:47

conflict that seemed to come up as I talked to

14:49

folks was that Yes,

14:52

I can do anything, but what do I really

14:54

wanna do? You know, it's like

14:56

I get on the path and that

14:58

path is usually related to

15:00

education and or work, and then

15:02

family and those things start to

15:04

intersect, and you have so many roles

15:07

and identities attached to all those. And

15:09

then what's left for me? From

15:12

a time standpoint, from an energy standpoint,

15:14

you know, just having the head space to really

15:17

think about, well, who am I at the end of the day, outside

15:19

of all that stuff. And the, it's

15:22

important stuff and it's stuff that matters to us.

15:24

You know, I'm somebody that is

15:26

really achievement oriented. I love

15:28

work. I don't envision

15:30

myself retiring on a beach somewhere.

15:33

You know, I wanna be working and doing things.

15:36

but I still think that work has a limit.

15:39

In terms of how it can contribute

15:41

to my wholeness.

15:43

Mm-Hmm.

15:43

And I think that's the the what next

15:46

to really answer your question. And

15:48

what this book is about is what

15:50

do you do when you get to that place where

15:52

you feel like you've checked all the boxes and you're

15:55

not sure what to do, but you know you need to do something. And

15:58

so for me, I really went

16:00

through this journey. In a

16:02

cute way. in 2019, I

16:05

lost my job and it was kind

16:07

of unexpected and I

16:09

had been through a ton of other

16:11

life changes the, in the year prior.

16:13

So I'd gotten divorced, I'd moved into

16:16

my dream little tiny house, and

16:19

I started dating someone new. And

16:22

I had this job and I felt so secure

16:24

and safe, and I knew who I

16:26

was and all of that, right? And I lost

16:28

this job. And then

16:30

the person I was dating, had brain

16:33

surgery and it was

16:35

a really tumultuous time. You know,

16:37

I, I didn't know what. Was

16:39

gonna be next for me, but I knew that I needed to

16:42

take a minute and I couldn't

16:44

just jump right back into the next thing

16:46

and keep spinning through

16:48

the same cycle that I had been doing for my whole

16:51

life, which is 20 years of really intense

16:53

careering and really

16:55

looking for meaning from work, you

16:57

know? And so when I started digging

16:59

in there. To figure out

17:01

what was gonna be next for me, how

17:04

was I going to get in touch with a,

17:06

a part of me that felt

17:08

more solid and more sure.

17:12

I really started having, to look at How

17:15

do I know that I matter? And,

17:18

you know, I wrote a lot about self-worth

17:20

in this book and I, I really

17:23

was hesitant to, because I

17:26

felt this reader, this

17:29

busy, overwhelmed, successful,

17:32

driven woman reading my book and

17:34

saying, really, I just need to learn to love myself.

17:37

Gimme a break. You know, like

17:39

I literally had that. Yeah. Yeah.

17:43

But it really is true. I found that

17:45

for myself, I was using success

17:47

out external success as

17:50

the way in which

17:53

I got any kind of worthiness that

17:55

I felt worthy in any way. And

17:58

when I had this big fall. Everything

18:02

in my life changed. I

18:04

realized it was all temporary, it was all external,

18:07

and until it could come from the inside, I

18:09

was never gonna be able to really enjoy all that

18:11

stuff I was chasing. So

18:14

I went through this process. I started

18:16

asking myself this question, what

18:19

would I do if I believed I inherently matter?

18:23

And this question really helped me

18:25

figure out what would I do, because in

18:27

the past I had asked myself what would I do to get

18:30

promoted? Uh, what would I do to

18:32

get someone to love me? What would

18:34

I do to get noticed? What would I do to

18:36

be successful? But I had never asked, like, internally,

18:39

what would I do if I believed that I

18:41

matter? And I don't have

18:43

to try. I just, I showed up mattering.

18:46

Mm-Hmm.

18:46

How would I change my behavior, you

18:49

know? And it was a really powerful question.

18:54

and yeah. I

18:57

know. I'm like, what? What happened? So

18:59

when you did that, what, like, are

19:01

you doing that? Like, then what? Then what? I'm

19:04

like, should we do this? Are we, you

19:06

know, like, what are we doing? What happens Then?

19:08

Tell us.

19:09

Yeah, so I

19:12

always, I did wanna blabber on and on and on, you

19:14

know,

19:14

no.

19:14

uh,

19:15

Literally this is the first time on

19:17

the show. Both Cheryll and I

19:19

have been speechless and we're like waiting

19:21

for you to like tell us what to do.

19:26

well, the it, when I asked myself this

19:28

question, the answers I got were

19:31

comedically simple. At

19:33

first, the first two things I

19:35

heard when I asked this question, and I

19:37

just listened for the quiet little voices inside

19:40

of me to bubble up and ask for something. The

19:43

answers were, if I believed I mattered, I

19:45

would do yoga and I would drink green

19:48

juice. And I know both those things make

19:50

me sound like Gwyneth Paltrow, and I'm not, that's

19:52

not where I'm going. But both

19:54

of those things make me feel

19:56

amazing and I. In

19:59

different parts of my life, had done both of those things

20:01

in probably unhealthy ways. you

20:04

know, too obsessed or whatever. But

20:07

gentle yoga is so

20:09

good for my overstimulated body. Like

20:11

I am so busy and up and I

20:13

don't, I. Rest as much as I should

20:15

rest. And, yoga is such

20:17

a way for me to be active and restful and

20:19

I really appreciate that. and green

20:21

juice is, something I use as a

20:24

travel, like when I travel, I feel like green

20:26

juice is this magical antidote takes care of jet

20:28

lag. It keeps your tummy

20:30

happy. It's like, I don't know, there's just something in

20:32

it that I think is magical and I feel like superwoman

20:35

when I drink it. But both of

20:37

these things, what's that?

20:40

nutrients is

20:41

Yeah.

20:41

it. That's magical.

20:42

yeah,

20:44

You are not the first person

20:45

I'm a business major. I didn't, I

20:47

didn't do any nutrition classes, but if

20:50

I had to venture a guess, I think the magic potion

20:52

inside of it is all the nutrients and

20:54

Yeah,

20:54

Yeah, and they must be like absolute

20:56

crack because anybody who drinks green

20:59

juice like will tell.

21:00

Looking at you, Stephanie Olivero, we

21:03

see you with.

21:04

and I, my friend Jen, like people

21:07

who are green juice people are

21:10

like. It,

21:12

it's magical. And what

21:14

are the hell are the rest of us? Non green

21:16

juice, drinking people even doing.

21:20

I dunno, but I guess I'm making room in my kitchen

21:22

for a juicer. Okay, keep going Des.

21:25

So the thing about both of

21:27

those things is that they were the nagging

21:29

things that week after week I,

21:32

my body was asking for them and I was

21:34

just saying, not right now. No. Too

21:36

busy. Too busy. Don't have time. I'll

21:39

do it next week. I'll do it tomorrow,

21:42

I'll get to it. And eventually,

21:44

all of those times that we

21:46

put ourselves off What we're

21:49

basically saying to our psyche is, I

21:51

don't matter. I don't matter. Work

21:53

matters. More kids matter. More husband

21:55

matters more partner matters more.

21:57

Right? It's just like that's

21:59

what we're saying over and over. When our

22:02

mind, our emotions, our body is, is

22:04

asking for something and we just. Don't

22:08

make time for it. It's just this

22:11

constant stream of reinforcement

22:13

that we don't matter as much as all the other things

22:15

in our lives. So I did these

22:17

things and I did them in kind of

22:19

a ritualistic way where I

22:21

got all the ingredients and I cut all

22:23

the things and I juiced all the parts,

22:26

and I drank this juice, and I drank this

22:28

juice with this belief

22:31

like I, when I believe I matter.

22:34

I take the time to do this for my body

22:37

and like as I was drinking, it was like medicine,

22:39

you know? Same with the yoga. I

22:41

love yoga with Adrian. If you don't know yoga with

22:44

Adrian, she's a YouTube. Yeah,

22:46

she does yoga

22:47

We are sponsored by yoga with.

22:51

Sorry, this is this new thing we're

22:53

doing where we're getting sponsorships people

22:56

don't even know.

22:57

like it. Yeah.

23:02

Sorry, yoga, When you do your

23:04

yoga, you.

23:04

Yeah, same thing. So I love yoga

23:07

with Adrian because it's easy, it's accessible,

23:09

it's on YouTube. She does yoga with her dog,

23:11

Benji, and he's adorable. And

23:14

so I did the same thing where I did

23:16

this slow kind of short yoga

23:18

flow. I ended up spending 30 minutes that

23:20

first week on myself, and

23:23

I felt this little buzz, this little boost

23:26

of, oh my gosh, I

23:28

am feeling how much this affects

23:30

my attitude. And so

23:32

I did it the next week and I had the same result,

23:35

and then I started asking the question in

23:38

all kinds of situations. If I believed

23:40

I mattered, how would I respond to this email?

23:43

How would I show up in this relationship? I.

23:46

How would I allow this person to talk

23:48

to me? How would I respond?

23:50

You know? And so by looking

23:53

at everything through that lens, I

23:55

just started doing this very mindful practice

23:58

of week after week, choosing an

24:00

action to take in my book. I call them actions

24:02

that matter as basically

24:05

a scientific method to say if

24:08

I keep the promises I make to myself. How

24:11

does it impact my feeling

24:13

of worthiness? And

24:15

in the process, I started discovering

24:18

all these things that I actually find satisfying,

24:21

like organizing a messy drawer or,

24:24

you know, Curating

24:27

an outfit in a really intentional way or

24:29

you know, just like small things. That added a

24:32

lot of satisfaction to my everyday life.

24:35

And I think when we think

24:37

about what it takes to actually

24:39

feel fulfilled or content, we

24:41

think about those big milestone driven

24:44

goals, and that's where

24:46

we get lost. It's like if you're always looking

24:49

for some. Promotion or

24:51

some milestone in your life that

24:54

is gonna do it. Those are just so

24:56

few and far between. We, we don't reside

24:59

in the energy of those things very

25:02

often. You know?

25:03

Or to the flip side of that, like if

25:05

you are somebody who is a, like a

25:08

super goal oriented and goal achiever,

25:11

once you achieve the goal, you're

25:13

kind of like, well, now what? Now? Okay,

25:16

I guess I need something different now. I,

25:18

you know, like it's a Nonstop process where

25:21

you're like, oh, I have this big goal I'd like to achieve. Oh,

25:23

okay, I achieved it. Shit, now I

25:25

have to do something else. is

25:28

very interesting. But the other thing that I really

25:30

love that I'm hearing you say, and

25:33

we've talked about self-care and we've talked about things like

25:35

that, but You know,

25:37

people will be like, self-care is drinking a green juice

25:40

and self-care is doing yoga. But

25:42

what you are, what I hear you saying

25:44

is self-care is having is

25:48

caring enough about yourself. To

25:50

do those things. It's not the thing, it's

25:52

not the drinking of the juice, but it's the intention

25:55

behind why you're

25:57

drinking the juice, because you matter. Because that's

25:59

important because you are

26:02

worthy of taking the time to cut up all your vegetables

26:04

and put 'em in the juicer and worthy

26:06

to take the time to do the

26:09

yoga. And I love

26:12

understanding that a little bit more

26:14

and understanding how, you

26:16

know, because. Everybody's

26:18

like, self-care is a, is an eye mask. And it's

26:20

like, well, maybe self-care isn't the eye mask. But

26:22

self-care is the, i, i,

26:24

matter enough, I'm worthy enough to take

26:27

the time to do that. And

26:30

I think that's a really beautiful way to

26:34

to frame it and, and to understand and

26:36

be really intentional with, with what you're

26:38

doing. and I just, um, I

26:41

am so like Mesmerized

26:45

by you. And that is like weird to say, but

26:47

I think that that is so cool and

26:49

so interesting and I, and I, I'm

26:51

like, tell us what's in the book, but

26:53

also don't tell us because we obviously all

26:55

need to read it. You know, like it's

26:58

really.

26:58

I am also mesmerized today, but I am,

27:00

I have noticed 2024,

27:03

so end of 2023, I. Slowed

27:06

down. I stayed home a lot with the

27:08

kids. I read a lot. I slept

27:10

in. I really like slowed

27:13

down. And then coming into 2024,

27:15

I'm like on fire for all of my goals. But

27:17

I'm also doing very intentional

27:20

things like, okay, this is hilarious, but

27:22

one of my New Year's resolutions is I'm not gonna

27:24

take my phone to the bathroom with me anymore

27:27

How do.

27:28

and here's

27:30

what I've said to myself though. I

27:32

deserve the 30 seconds to

27:35

a minute. To just be here

27:37

alone and single task and do

27:39

one thing, like I deserve some downtime another

27:41

day when I hurt my hip. If you follow me on Instagram, I

27:44

had a fluke hip incident, I

27:46

could hardly walk. And I came home and I turned

27:48

the Taylor Swift concert on for the girls. 'cause I've

27:50

been wanting to see it. And I

27:53

laid down on the bed and I

27:55

thought to myself, I should get up and

27:57

get my computer. I can edit an episode. Then

28:00

I said, no, you deserve

28:02

to just lay here. You don't feel

28:05

your best and you deserve to just lay

28:07

here and do nothing. And that is what

28:09

I did. I laid there with my feet up and I

28:11

did nothing. And it's

28:13

not, it's, it's the, the part behind it,

28:15

like you were saying, Despi, it's like the telling

28:17

myself that like this action fine,

28:19

this action by itself, great. Whatever. I got some

28:22

rest, but. Telling myself like,

28:24

I deserve this. I am worthy

28:26

of just sitting still. I'm still worthwhile

28:28

to the world if I don't feel every

28:31

fucking second of my life

28:34

with a task. So I'm

28:36

just like hearing this and it's this revelation

28:38

that I didn't realize I've been having

28:40

Yeah.

28:41

I'm so grateful for you putting words to

28:43

it. You have another thing

28:45

that you're passionate about that I'm super passionate

28:47

about too, and it's. Energy management

28:49

is the new time management

28:51

This was gonna be my question that I was also

28:53

like holding back and trying

28:55

not to blurt ever. And

28:58

so and so. Tell us, tell

29:00

us all about energy management versus time management

29:02

because I think time management sucks and

29:07

I don't like it.

29:10

Well, I'm one of those people. I live and

29:12

die by my calendar. If my calendar doesn't

29:14

tell me where to be, I am not there. so

29:17

I'm not saying time management isn't

29:19

a thing. But I know plenty of

29:21

women who are super organized.

29:24

They have the planner and

29:26

the Google calendar and all the things, and

29:29

yet they still feel completely depleted

29:31

at the end of the day. And they're like trying to figure out,

29:33

why don't I have the energy to brainstorm

29:35

what's next in my business? Think about, you

29:38

know, where I wanna go on vacation, whatever

29:41

the, the energy Need

29:43

is. Right. And I think

29:45

it's because we are managing time

29:48

as though we have an infinite amount

29:50

of energy. And so we,

29:53

instead of really thinking about do I

29:55

have the capacity emotionally

29:57

for, for this thing that I'm about to add to

30:00

my calendar, we just say, do I have the time? And

30:02

we do all the creative things we

30:05

can to Plan

30:07

a calendar that is technically

30:10

feasible, like I can get from this place to this

30:12

place and this many minutes. So I'm gonna cram that

30:14

in versus do

30:17

I? Well, I actually feel like that, you

30:19

know, and I was talking with a friend recently um,

30:22

we were trying to plan a get together. And

30:26

I said, do you feel like you'll want to do

30:28

that after you have this really busy week? And she

30:30

said, oh my gosh, I don't ever think about that. You

30:33

know? And it's that sort of question,

30:36

like, will I feel like at

30:38

5:00 PM taking that extra

30:40

call when I've had back to back to calls

30:42

and I probably still have to pee from lunch?

30:45

Like, probably not like

30:48

Girl. Yes.

30:50

Yeah.

30:51

I keep thinking about these memes I see

30:53

on Instagram where it's like, I

30:56

know I said I'd come tonight, but I was younger

30:58

than when I agreed to that. And

31:00

that's like, that's kind of this, it's

31:02

like I didn't consider the fact that

31:05

I won't have any energy left. I have

31:07

started to do, a time block,

31:09

but for energy. Because

31:11

like after a long weekend, like I'm getting ready

31:13

to go to Vegas next weekend and I

31:16

am gonna block half of Monday to

31:18

just be home and do nothing. and if

31:20

I wanna do something in that time, great. If I wake

31:23

up and I have the energy to do it, but I'm not going to

31:25

put that obligation on myself. I'm

31:27

just gonna stop. And the other thing I really wanna start

31:29

doing is stopping scheduling meetings

31:32

like outside of my house before 10:00 AM. Like

31:34

I don't wanna do that to myself. I

31:37

want to have time.

31:40

To start my day and like do this morning

31:42

routine, but like the slow roll.

31:44

right.

31:46

And one other thought, I

31:48

I mean, and this is essentially what you're saying, but like, schedule

31:50

your day around your energy and not your time. And

31:54

so Colleen and I have talked a lot lately about

31:56

like at different times in our cycle, you

31:58

know, like I know that I'm like, I have a

32:01

headache and I'm dead for like three days prior to

32:03

starting my period. And like,

32:05

so look at your calendar when

32:07

you're scheduling, like exactly what you said. Will

32:10

you have energy for this at that time? Like

32:12

that should be a filter that we're all running through

32:14

every appointment. Right now

32:16

before we put it on the calendar is, will I have energy

32:18

at that time? And I'm very quick

32:20

to be like, oh, yep, okay. I've got a block

32:23

Exactly like you're describing. Like it's me,

32:25

I'm that person. but I'm slowly

32:27

noticing, I'm making small shifts

32:29

in that direction,

32:31

And people, I think this

32:33

is so interesting. I have

32:35

a couple thoughts on this one. We

32:38

give so much energy, I.

32:41

To people outside, right?

32:43

Like people outside of our family

32:45

unit basically. And we give them energy

32:48

and we give them energy and we bring it and we bring the

32:50

smile, we bring the everything that

32:52

by the time I get home, I, I,

32:55

I have to, it is, and

32:58

my.

32:58

Dig deep.

32:59

It is the dig deep. It is the let me sit in

33:01

my car for five minutes in silence

33:04

so that I can reenergize and

33:06

walk into the house and bring the

33:08

energy to my family. But what I

33:10

love about this concept is like we

33:12

don't need to to drain everything

33:15

out every day, all

33:18

day. and maybe also like

33:20

Your family and, and yourself. Like you deserve

33:23

to have some energy at the end of

33:25

the day or you deserve, like they

33:27

deserve to have that and you deserve

33:30

to have that. the other thing I'm

33:32

thinking about when you were, when, when you were talking

33:34

Cheryl, about scheduling, and we're talking about time blocking

33:36

is also like certain

33:38

people need more energy and certain

33:40

people suck more energy from you.

33:43

So maybe it's like being more

33:45

intentional about how you're

33:47

scheduling. Those things

33:49

like, if you

33:51

have a client who you know is going to need

33:55

a lot of your energy, like

33:57

maybe you don't schedule three of those in a row,

34:00

you know, or like maybe

34:02

you don't do five

34:06

meetings back to back to back. Like

34:09

I did to myself this morning. I've been sitting

34:11

in this chair for like almost

34:14

three hours, three and a half hours straight now.

34:17

Every single meeting has been amazing and

34:19

lovely and wonderful and but

34:23

needed a lot of energy and a lot and a

34:25

lot to give. I think

34:27

that's cool to start thinking about those things

34:29

about how we're energy

34:32

planning for the future.

34:34

I think there's also a lot of ways that, that

34:36

you can start small

34:38

by looking at your calendar and looking at

34:40

places where you always feel pinched. I. You

34:43

know, like we've all got something

34:45

in our lives that's a recurring whatever. And

34:47

when that thing comes up, you feel like, uh, for

34:49

some reason, you know, it's great to

34:51

start there and how could I feel better

34:54

about that? You know, I had a, a coaching

34:56

client who would get a phone

34:58

call on her way home from a relative

35:00

who kind of, to your point, Colleen

35:02

was just like, you required lots of energy. And

35:05

so she arrived home from work with

35:07

her family and felt

35:10

like she had nothing left to give. 'cause she'd given

35:12

every last drop on that phone call on the

35:14

way home, you know? And so

35:16

it's hard. I think a lot of the conversation,

35:19

and I talk about this in my book and how you can put

35:21

this into action, is around boundaries.

35:24

And we kind of groan. I feel like sometimes

35:26

when we think about boundaries, because it's uncomfortable

35:28

and You know, it definitely requires

35:31

us to rub up against what other people expect

35:33

of us and, and maybe challenge that.

35:36

But we have to do that if we wanna value

35:39

our Actual

35:41

experience every day and bring the energy we

35:43

wanna bring to all the relationships in

35:45

our life. We have to take control of that

35:48

instead of being reactive to it. And

35:50

that can be a hard thing to do.

35:52

So the, the, one of the big themes of

35:55

my book is do it gently. Just

35:57

ease into it and do it gently. You

35:59

know, we don't have to tear it all down, burn

36:01

it all down and start over. You

36:04

know, we can kind of look for

36:06

the places where we are in control.

36:09

We set the boundary, we enforce

36:12

the boundary, and that is a perfectly

36:15

sane and safe place to start. 'cause

36:17

you can affect a lot just on your own.

36:20

And then you can go to the concentric circle out

36:22

where you're asking people in your life for different things, right?

36:25

But there's a lot we can do just with, with ourselves

36:27

before we even get to that point and

36:29

feel a ton better.

36:33

And I was thinking also,

36:36

you know, like when I talked to Cheryl,

36:38

she gives me a lot of energy like

36:41

that those conversations are energizing,

36:43

right? So it's not that people always suck

36:45

your energy, but it's like understanding

36:48

who gives you energy, what

36:50

gives you energy and, and who

36:52

really sucks the life

36:55

out of you. There

36:57

are people that do that and sometimes. Inevitable.

37:01

Right? And sometimes you have to give those, that

37:04

energy to people. But we've

37:06

talked a lot about like, to your

37:08

point of doing this slowly, but like kind of eliminating

37:11

as you can those things

37:13

or those people that, that suck

37:15

your energy and put yourself in rooms where

37:17

you're, you're feeling energized when

37:19

you leave versus while

37:21

that networking Group

37:24

was really exhausting and I now

37:27

don't, I need to sit in silence for 10 minutes before,

37:29

you know, so I

37:31

think that that is something that's

37:34

gotta be part of the conversation too, is like, who's

37:36

your circle and who are you with and what are they giving

37:38

and, and what are you giving to

37:41

them as well? I think that that's

37:43

really important.

37:46

One of, one of the things on your list that you wanna talk

37:48

about, and this is such like a

37:51

so positive affirmations. It's

37:53

such a hot, it's so hot right

37:55

now.

37:55

So hot right now.

37:57

And what do you believe instead of

37:59

positive affirmations, like what is your, what's your belief

38:01

around this?

38:02

Yeah, I, the opening line of

38:04

my book is I hate affirmations, and

38:07

I was so nervous about putting that in print because

38:10

I know it's a controversial statement. I,

38:12

I, I don't hate them for you. If they work for you, I

38:14

love them for you. But,, for me,

38:17

Ladies and gentlemen, hot take.

38:20

Wow. This is controversial.

38:22

I know, I just, I find

38:25

that I call bullshit on myself

38:27

when I try and put a positive affirmation

38:29

in there that I don't believe. And

38:31

as I was doing research for the book,

38:34

are, you know, we have, This

38:37

built-in like barometer that

38:39

we're using. I believe that. I don't

38:41

believe that I'm gonna take that on board, or I'm not,

38:44

and so when I say, you

38:46

know, some, some positive affirmation

38:48

that I, I don't necessarily believe, but that

38:50

I, it's a goal. It's like a place I wanna get to.

38:54

I just shut it down. But when I ask

38:56

myself a question, And

38:58

I can allow whatever comes up in response

39:00

to that question as a valid response. Now

39:03

I can work with something, you know? And

39:06

so I really believe

39:08

in action instead of affirmation,

39:10

because I think that when

39:13

you take action like we've been talking about,

39:15

whether it's protecting your energy, keeping

39:17

the promises you make to yourself doing

39:20

things that. Intentionally

39:22

demonstrate that you matter to yourself. That

39:24

is building the database in

39:27

the same way that the database has already been built.

39:29

When you think about how you have come to

39:31

the things that you know and believe, for

39:34

the most part, it's like, okay, I, I learn these things from

39:36

people I trust or, or in a formal way.

39:38

But most of the time it's my lived experience

39:41

and I've gathered a lot of data and

39:43

I rely on that data to form my

39:45

opinions. And so. I

39:47

personally, for me, it works better to

39:50

take these incremental actions, see the

39:52

results, and basically prove it to myself

39:54

in the process rather

39:57

than trying to affirm my

39:59

way there.

40:01

So great. Love that.

40:02

I love it. I more

40:05

recently like will do affirmations, but

40:08

I did I did, I was kind of like, oh, bullshit.

40:10

Like this is bullshit. Like, and

40:12

they only, I only choose affirmations that

40:15

I, I don't wanna say that I know that,

40:17

that I believe in to, to your point, right.

40:19

But it's also like y'all,

40:21

we can't be out here being like, my affirmation

40:24

is I weigh 120

40:26

pounds, but like then

40:29

you're not doing anything to

40:31

help yourself. Right? Like, it's like

40:33

you can't, will, I

40:36

hate using a weight related. Analogy,

40:38

but it's that

40:39

Okay, but okay. Can't be seven tall.

40:42

I am seven tall.

40:43

but that, so that, no, I don't think that that's

40:45

worked. I think it's like, how about this? Like

40:48

I want to be, um, I wanna

40:50

have like really big arm muscles. I'm

40:54

gonna will myself. It is something that I can achieve,

40:56

right? It is achievable, but

40:58

only if you believe it and only if you take the action

41:00

to do it right. I can't just re

41:03

write in my journal, my affirmations

41:05

journal, like I have really big arm

41:07

muscles, like,

41:09

great, great.

41:12

right. I think for me it was around,

41:15

it definitely. I encountered this in

41:17

a big way. I worked with an intuitive eating coach

41:19

'cause I really struggled with all that

41:21

stuff. Weight and diet and health,

41:23

and I was trying to find. A

41:26

gentle way to work with, with my body

41:28

instead of try to do something to

41:30

it, you know? And I really

41:33

struck, she gave me affirmations and I

41:35

really struggled with them. And in another way,

41:37

in business, there's so many people

41:40

out there telling you to just every

41:42

day that you are a millionaire, you

41:44

are a, a boss, babe.

41:46

You know what? Whatever the thing is, and

41:49

I, yeah.

41:51

We are sponsored by Boss Babe, go

41:54

ahead, keep going.

41:56

But you know, I did not inherently

41:59

believe those things. And to

42:01

your point, Colleen, there's a lot of steps in between

42:04

of getting from where I am now to, I'm

42:06

a millionaire boss babe, and I need

42:08

action to get me there. And what makes

42:10

me feel good and bolstered and, um,

42:12

moving forward is I'm

42:15

making these incremental commitments

42:17

and I'm keeping 'em, you

42:19

know, I just felt like that was so much more impactful for

42:21

me.

42:22

and that goes along with a lot of the themes that we talk

42:24

about as far as consistency and persistence,

42:26

right? Like same thing, right? Like if you

42:29

wanna be the millionaire, it's, it's,

42:31

you know, there's a quote and I,

42:33

and I don't know who said it, but it's like persistence

42:36

beats talent or consistency beats

42:39

talent every time. It's, that's

42:41

the same thing, right? That those are

42:43

the actions. That

42:45

will win every single time, right?

42:48

I can hope that I'm gonna be a

42:50

millionaire, but

42:54

it ends there, right? If it's all just

42:57

hope.

42:58

and that speaks to like the vision boarding

43:01

and the goal planning and like,

43:03

okay, great, you did that. Now

43:06

run every task and every action that you're

43:08

gonna fill your very precious time with

43:11

when you have the energy and capacity

43:13

to do it. If you're running it through those filters

43:15

and making sure those actions and those tasks are

43:17

moving in the direction of becoming

43:20

a millionaire, getting the killer arms, you

43:22

know. Being seven feet tall,

43:26

then you are like,

43:28

you've gotta run them all through that filter. And

43:31

if you are writing, like, you know, for the people that are writing

43:33

down these aspirations and stuff, okay, great, because

43:36

that's putting it at the front of your mind in

43:38

the, in the morning or whenever you're doing it so that you then

43:40

hopefully if you're going

43:43

to achieve, you're gonna run them all through

43:45

that task that, that, that filter

43:48

before you do it. Okay,

43:50

Despi, what's next? What is next for you, my

43:52

friend? Because I wanna be there.

43:55

tell 'em about your launch party. our local listeners.

43:57

'cause we have local Indianapolis listeners and Despi is

43:59

local. So tell us about your launch party.

44:02

Well, there is a launch party on the 23rd,

44:04

but I think this episode is airing the next day,

44:07

so

44:08

Oh God. Well, the party was great. I had a great

44:10

time. I loved it. It was.

44:14

Yeah. So the, the big little question. Yeah.

44:18

Okay. So the, the launch party for

44:20

the big little question if you're in, in Indianapolis,

44:22

is happening at Maven Space. if

44:24

you'd like to attend, I would love to send

44:27

you an invitation. You can find me on Instagram

44:29

@despimayes or despimayes.com,

44:32

and I would be happy to send you an invite.

44:35

the big little question is available everywhere

44:38

today on January

44:40

24th. Yay. Launch

44:42

day. And, the next

44:44

thing is I am launching an online

44:46

course called the You Era. It

44:50

is really intended to help women.

44:52

It has a lot of exercises from the book, but lots

44:54

of extra stuff too. So it

44:56

will help professional women kind of thinking

44:58

about how do I show up for

45:01

myself as the most amazing, authentic

45:03

version of myself? So

45:05

you can check that out at entertheyouera.com.

45:09

And sign up, and there's community

45:12

associated with that. So I'm really excited

45:14

about that next chapter and

45:16

really getting this word out and, and

45:19

having the opportunity to be a

45:21

part of other people's journey

45:23

and and share what I've learned along the way.

45:27

Des, I have never been so happy

45:29

that somebody got laid off in 2019. You.

45:35

Either

45:36

people, I think everybody

45:38

needs just like, listen, listen

45:40

to what I'm saying. Okay. Because I know what I'm, I know what I'm

45:42

talking about. Everybody just needs to buy the book

45:45

and then take the course because. I

45:48

would, Cheryl and I are very, not

45:51

to be weird, but like we're very magnetic people

45:54

and we're very like, people are attract. I

45:56

am just absolutely mesmerized by

45:58

you and I know that that's like such a weird thing to say twice

46:00

in a row, but I just think that you are so cool

46:04

and so real

46:07

and, and such, like what

46:10

a cool thing that you're doing

46:12

So much to offer.

46:13

so much to offer.

46:15

Gosh, I am blushing. I don't know

46:17

if people are seeing this online.

46:20

We are now, ladies and gentlemen, if you have

46:22

not caught us on our YouTube channel, we

46:25

do have a YouTube channel, and we are

46:27

actually sponsored by YouTube, ladies and gentlemen,

46:31

Yeah.

46:32

I'm, I'm clearly interviewing a spots,

46:34

ladies and gentlemen, so, uh, affiliate

46:37

codes and, Despi.

46:39

Well, thank you. So very much, this has

46:42

been like the most incredible hour of my life, and,

46:45

I wish you the best of luck with your book launch. I

46:47

have no doubt you're gonna be wildly successful

46:49

and I can't wait for my signed copy

46:51

yeah. Sounds great. Thank you so much to

46:53

you both for having me. It's been so awesome talking

46:56

with you.

46:57

Thank you. You're amazing.

46:59

all.