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1:00

statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration.

1:03

This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure,

1:05

or prevent any disease. Hold on! On

1:08

August 11th. The world is on fire. That's when they send

1:10

me. Would you deny? Gal Gadot.

1:13

This might be kind of intense. Is

1:14

Rachel Stone. Heart of Stone. Rated PG-13. Only

1:17

on Netflix. August 11th. With

1:19

me is Duncan Trussell. Hi, mommies! You're about to have

1:21

a baby any minute. Well, not you. Not me.

1:23

Your partner. It's

1:26

like what the Gen Zers do. Yeah, partner. My

1:29

partner. My partner. Your

1:31

construction partner? No, my partner. My

1:33

partner.

1:34

My partner. My partner. My partner.

1:36

My partner. My partner. My

1:39

partner. My partner. My partner. My

1:41

partner. My partner. My

1:44

partner. My partner. My

1:46

partner. My partner. My partner.

1:49

My partner. My partner. Your software

1:51

engineer partner? You're banging your partner? You're

1:53

coming on your partner's face?

1:56

You know, like, what the fuck? Capitalism's

1:58

so fucked up when, like, business... terms,

2:00

getting it into the family. Oh my

2:02

gosh, I didn't even think of it that way. Call it something

2:04

else, you're a sergeant. Why not call your

2:06

sergeant? Well, yeah. You're

2:09

a grown man's sergeant. It's like when,

2:11

remember in the corporate world, they would call you

2:13

guys team members? The team member,

2:15

you're like, we're not on a team. This isn't a team.

2:18

This ain't no fucking team. We're

2:19

not playing volleyball. It's Blockbuster.

2:21

Making widgets, okay. Let me

2:24

do some dates here. I

2:26

literally have like 10 tickets left for Toronto,

2:29

September 7th, get them now. Nice. I'm

2:31

not gonna add a show. Who's gonna work that out? Should've had a show.

2:34

Ugh. Winnipeg, will

2:36

he peg Canada? September 8th. He

2:38

will. Comedy

2:42

Vex, Denver Downtown. Best club

2:44

ever. Oh, Comedy Vex is the best. And

2:46

then I do Wise Guys and Charlotte Tiddies,

2:49

Pootah. I know, October 13th, 14th.

2:50

San Jose

2:53

and Prof, what's that one? San Jose.

2:55

San Jose, Josie. Man Josie.

2:59

Don't ask me. San Jos. San

3:01

Jos. San Jos. And then Comedy

3:03

Club on State, Madison Jizz, Constance.

3:05

That Comedy Club on State

3:07

has the best green room. I

3:09

can't remember it. It's been so long. Unless I'm getting

3:11

it confused. Tell me. And

3:14

I could be wrong about this. So I'm sorry if it's

3:16

not the greatest green room, but as I recall,

3:19

that green room, Todd

3:21

Glass helped them design

3:23

the green room. So like, you know how Todd Glass will

3:25

like fix, he'll like at a festival, if

3:27

anything's out of place, he will come in,

3:29

fix the mic, fix the lighting to the best

3:31

of his ability, lecture

3:33

whoever fucked up the mic, explaining

3:35

why it's more than a mic. But

3:38

he apparently helped

3:40

form that green room. So it is insane.

3:43

You don't wanna leave the green room. Okay, I

3:45

can't wait to see that. It's been a while since

3:47

I've been there. I love that club. I'm

3:49

so fucking pumped. I haven't seen Todd Glass in a

3:51

minute either.

3:52

Yeah, I talked to him a little

3:54

bit ago, but yeah, I

3:56

mean, while we're in Texas, you know, he's still in LA. Oh yeah,

3:59

he's still in LA. Buy my lipstick, christinafionline.com.

4:02

You got your own lipstick? Oh my God, do I? See,

4:05

Duncan, I've been wearing red lipsticks since I

4:07

was 13, because I'm a whore. And I

4:09

developed the most perfect shade,

4:12

consistency, even this cap,

4:14

bro, look at that. Oh check, what? It's got a

4:16

magnetic jammy on it. Boom. So

4:19

this shit does not open in your purse. I

4:21

know you carry a purse. And do

4:23

you care? I can see you carrying it. Oh,

4:26

my lipstick opens in my purse. Like

4:28

you're already having a bad day, your

4:30

heel's broke, and then your freaking lipstick

4:33

melts all over your ketamine.

4:37

I love you so much. Can I tell you

4:39

why I love you? Many, I mean, there's so many

4:41

reasons. But I watched the congressional

4:44

hearing on, sorry, UAPs,

4:46

they're not UFOs anymore. And

4:49

I was so pumped. I listened to the live,

4:51

the thing, and I was in California,

4:54

and I was like, who can I speak to? Who in

4:56

this fucking universe is as geeked

4:58

as I am? And I called you. Honored.

5:01

And I go, Duncan, are you watching this? And you go, yeah,

5:03

man, I'm streaming it right now.

5:06

I'm in the skiff recording a song

5:07

about it. Yeah,

5:10

I tried to live stream it so I could have some company

5:13

while I was watching it. And I think I just

5:15

annoyed people. No one wanna hear me rambling

5:17

over what could be the most, one

5:20

of the greatest events in American, if

5:22

not human history. But it was fun

5:24

to watch.

5:25

It's amazing. Amazing. And

5:27

you know what's so interesting? I think the most interesting thing about it

5:29

is that nobody gives a shit. Yep. Which

5:32

is really fascinating, because if this had taken

5:35

place in the 1960s, 70s, even

5:39

the 80s, 90s maybe before social media, this

5:41

may have been a big deal. For those of you who don't know what we're

5:43

referring to, there was a congressional hearing on July 26

5:47

with this guy named David Grush, Commander

5:49

Privy. Fravor? Uh-huh. And

5:51

then what's the other dude's name? I can't remember the other name. These

5:53

are decorated military Air Force

5:56

men. David Grush served as the

5:58

head of the special force.

5:59

for alien retrieval, whatever the fuck

6:02

weird things. And these

6:04

men are under oath. Under

6:06

oath, go to jail if you lie. Yes,

6:09

saying not only have we seen multiple

6:12

UAPs, UFO, we

6:15

have, he says non, what

6:17

is it? Non biological,

6:19

non human. Biologics. Biologics.

6:21

Sounds like a smoothie company.

6:24

Yeah, it's delicious. I like my strawberry

6:26

biologics. Strawberry biologics.

6:29

But also for those of you who think I'm crazy, the

6:31

Pentagon confirmed there's three

6:33

leaked videos of UFOs. You can go to

6:35

fucking Wikipedia, confirmed

6:37

that those are in fact

6:39

unidentified aerial phenomenon.

6:41

So this is one of the most mind blowing things

6:44

and nobody cares. Well,

6:46

it's a lot. What's on

6:48

package? It's a lot. Like, I mean,

6:50

people like us, we're

6:53

interested in things like this, for better or

6:55

for worse. And I think that

6:58

most people, they're just trying to like

7:00

live their lives. And what this represents

7:04

is a complete

7:06

radical paradigm shift for

7:08

anyone trying desperately to

7:10

live in default reality, which is like a collapsing

7:14

mind shaft right now. Default reality

7:16

is, I agree. There used to be a strong sense

7:18

of default reality because it was provided

7:21

by a primary narrative

7:23

giver, the IE, the media, the news,

7:25

everybody watched Tom Brokaw, everybody watched

7:27

what, two, four, seven, channel 11,

7:30

channel 13, you got your set radio.

7:33

And that's it. That's who disseminates reality.

7:35

And now. Now

7:38

it's all over the place. Wow. And

7:40

then you really like, I

7:42

have compassion for

7:45

them because it's like

7:46

there's a huge amount of investment

7:49

in like subscribing to default reality.

7:52

Like you really have to like, you

7:54

have to like really avoid thinking

7:56

about so many things.

7:58

I know. I seek

8:00

out, since I was very young, since

8:02

I remember being conscious, have

8:05

always sought out the opposite of whatever default

8:07

is. I said, this is so fucking boring. Yes,

8:10

I'm stressed out about paying the bills, but I can't

8:12

live in this. I'm so depressed. Well,

8:15

there's also just a general sense. But anyway, not

8:17

that I'm so brilliant,

8:18

but I just was bored. I don't think it's

8:21

a, I think you are brilliant. I don't think, I

8:24

think you can be fully invested in

8:26

the cult of default reality and be brilliant

8:29

within that reality tunnel or

8:33

a complete idiot. And I think you'd be outside that

8:35

reality tunnel and be a complete idiot

8:37

or be completely brilliant. I don't think it's a mark

8:40

of

8:40

intelligence necessarily,

8:42

but some people, we

8:45

have this sense, like an innate sense

8:48

that there's more going on than

8:51

meets the eye here, that there's more going

8:53

on than liking the golden girls. And

8:55

you know what I mean? And like, you

8:58

know, thinking

8:58

like, you know, Applebee's is not bad.

9:02

Right, not to poo-poo those things because those things are all amazing.

9:04

I was an Applebee's waiter. Oh,

9:06

you were? I was a teammate. A

9:09

team member. A team member. Did

9:11

you like that gig? I did. What

9:13

were the perks? Did you get free meals on your shift?

9:16

Well, I was a dishwasher

9:19

before, I was an Applebee's dishwasher before I became

9:21

a server.

9:23

One of my favorite jobs in my life,

9:27

it's so great. Dishwashing? Oh

9:29

my God. That was the best? Oh my God.

9:32

It's so funny what people, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's so

9:34

like you get

9:34

into this rhythm, there is

9:37

weirdly a hierarchical structure

9:39

too, like the dishwasher is working in any

9:41

given place because like inevitably there's one dishwasher

9:44

who is supernatural and their ability

9:47

to do dishes. Like it's, you

9:49

feel like you're watching Tiger Woods play

9:50

golf or something. Yes, I know you're Tiger Woods. Like they're

9:52

so good. And then

9:55

when you start getting into the rhythm of washing dishes,

9:57

there's something

9:59

really. You want your touching water. Sure.

10:02

And also, it's like if

10:05

you meet a girl and she

10:07

is like into you after, you're like, yeah, I'd wash dishes

10:09

at Applebee's. She loves you. She loves

10:11

you. That bitch loves you. He loves you. And so

10:14

you know what I mean? Like you're forced

10:16

out of all the weird pride shit that goes

10:19

into other jobs.

10:19

Well, hold on. By that you mean gay pride. Yeah,

10:23

that's exactly what I meant. Thank you

10:25

for clarifying. God, that's

10:27

kind of a good game though. I like

10:29

your game. Think about this. You're a young,

10:31

I'm assuming you were young when you did that. Yeah. You

10:33

ain't got shit anyway. Nobody at like 20 or 19 has

10:35

anything. But if you

10:38

lead with that, you're

10:39

like, I'm just a dishwasher at

10:41

Apple, but you don't go, I'm just a dishwasher. Like, yeah,

10:43

dude, I'm a dishwasher at Applebee's. Like,

10:46

I'm just, I'm a hustler.

10:48

You have to work so fucking hard to wash dishes

10:50

at Applebee's.

10:51

Well, I mean, yeah. It is a

10:54

tough job. It's a hard job and you get into a rhythm

10:57

and you like,

10:58

you just, I don't know. There's so much, there

11:00

was like a lot of freedom in that. Now I might

11:02

be looking at it with rose colored glasses.

11:04

Maybe back then I was in a legitimate health

11:07

state. And I don't remember, but I'm pretty sure

11:09

I loved it. Had a roommate,

11:12

was going to community college, didn't give

11:14

a shit about

11:15

anything. Lived in a tiny little, tiny

11:17

little room and my friend's house

11:20

was just getting blasted on acid constantly

11:23

and like no real

11:25

true aspirations for anything

11:27

other than just like, I don't know. I guess this is what I

11:29

do.

11:30

It was one, it was like really- It's

11:32

a good time. Yeah, it was quite wonderful. Well,

11:34

now, yeah, looking back, cause now you've got your life together

11:37

and in order and, you know, yeah,

11:39

the best worst, I've had a lot

11:41

of good, bad jobs. One

11:44

of the best worst ones was in college all

11:46

four years. I had a work study job where

11:49

I sat in a parking booth. Like, you know those boxes,

11:51

those parking boxes? Yes. And

11:53

I just gave, I sold parking to

11:55

students.

11:56

Whoa. So

11:58

good at, yeah.

11:59

Yeah, and like it was

12:02

it was a powerful job because it was in San Francisco

12:04

where parking is a very rare commodity

12:07

and I Would um, you know as Department of Public

12:09

Safety shout out to USF DPS

12:12

and I got to wear the windbreaker and you know,

12:14

I would give preferential parking to

12:16

teachers I enjoyed more nice. They're

12:18

like you can park in the u-lot dude. What's up

12:21

closer to the classrooms? And

12:23

I got to smoke cigarettes on my shift in the box.

12:25

Hlorious read books talk to people

12:27

My friends would come by and socialize. I drink

12:30

beers on Friday night. Like it was

12:32

fucking rad, dude.

12:32

Hlorious Yeah, that is badass.

12:35

I that was it was the booth air-conditioned

12:38

to get off No, but it was San Francisco So

12:40

you only had like two or three hot days and

12:42

I had a tiny little space heater for when it was cold But

12:45

you're talking like literally a booth. That's why I

12:47

don't know dimensions This

12:49

literally this,

12:51

you know, you just just you so they it was pretty

12:53

nice and whatever So you got

12:55

the look where people completely

12:57

dehumanize you is that you know what I mean? You got

12:59

that like weird thing Like right you

13:02

saw them going to NPC

13:04

mode What's

13:04

that non-player character in

13:07

a video game is what they call it where like it's we

13:09

all do it you go robot Yeah, and

13:11

when you're you're mostly like in the try

13:13

transactions throughout the

13:14

day. Yes Yes, it's very interesting

13:17

because I think that job I did it for so

13:19

long was so humbling

13:20

That I'm very cognizant of people that work

13:23

in service and in booths

13:25

and boxes Yeah, these odd places and

13:27

ballet guys and the guy that because you're just

13:29

like I've been there, you know how awful that

13:31

can be. Yep That's

13:33

the gift. Yeah,

13:34

but you know and it but and also

13:36

like, you know when you're like mentally

13:39

contorted Over problems

13:41

that lots of people would give anything

13:43

to have You know what? I mean?

13:46

Yeah, you realize

13:47

even though I'm I have all

13:49

this And I'm so lucky

13:52

somehow I'm like More

13:56

stressed out and freaked out than I was

13:58

when I was a dishwasher like when I was a dishwasher,

14:02

I felt the way that I

14:04

fantasized that like wealthy

14:06

people would feel. You know what I mean? Like this kind

14:08

of like, I'm fine with life. This

14:11

is where I'm at. I know what I have.

14:13

I'm fine. That's true. And you

14:15

know what I mean? It's like you can get so warped as

14:17

you progress in your life. And if you have

14:19

some ups, you can get really like, it's

14:22

almost a trap.

14:23

I know. It can be a trap. A

14:25

wonderful trap. Glad to be trapped in it. Not

14:28

bitching about my particular trap, but

14:31

I do, I can remember like sometimes it's like

14:34

a weird piece would fall upon me

14:37

in those moments where I had nothing.

14:39

Oh my life. It is

14:42

back to school season and every

14:44

year, it seems like those supply

14:46

lists get longer and longer.

14:48

I mean, seriously, what does a

14:51

second grader need?

14:53

Spend less on your kids

14:55

with Amazon. Oh my gosh.

14:58

I am so into Amazon. I

15:00

use it for everything, but mostly for

15:03

school supplies. Why not deliver it to your

15:05

house?

15:06

Amazon has everyday low prices

15:08

on all the back to school essentials and

15:11

top brands. Even better than

15:13

deals is the time you will save.

15:15

It's a one-stop shop with everything

15:18

from the trendiest fashion to the latest

15:21

tech. Also, isn't shopping in

15:23

person with your kids a total nightmare?

15:26

Forget them trying to get you into buying candy.

15:28

Just do it on Amazon.

15:30

Search for your school's list on Amazon

15:32

and add to cart with just one click.

15:35

Then subscribe and save so you won't

15:37

have to worry about it for the rest of

15:40

the year. Think about all

15:42

that time and money you will be saving.

15:45

Amazon is, there's nothing better. Find

15:48

everything you need with a click of a button when

15:50

you visit amazon.com slash

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back to school. Amazon, spend

15:55

less. Smile more. Treating

15:57

yourself is all about you.

15:59

about having what you want and as much

16:02

as you want, enjoying it all as

16:04

indulgently as possible, no matter what anyone

16:06

thinks. One bite of Magnum

16:08

ice cream and you'll never settle for anything

16:11

less than what you deserve. When

16:13

they say more is more, they mean it. Like 27

16:15

flavors for any kind of sweet craving more.

16:18

Like doubles, minis, duets, and even non-dairy

16:20

more. Magnum ice cream has

16:22

an indulgence for everyone. I

16:25

tried Magnum ice cream, I'll never forget, when

16:27

I was in Australia in the 90s and

16:29

I have been hooked ever since.

16:32

There really is no better treat than a Magnum

16:35

bar. I love them. I

16:37

like the vanilla with the chocolate on the

16:39

outside. Oh

16:40

my gosh. It really

16:42

is just the ultimate splurge

16:45

emerge. Follow Indulgence

16:47

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16:54

you. Magnum ice cream,

16:57

more is more.

17:00

Yes, I know you're talking about, because you knew exactly

17:02

how much

17:03

you had in your bank

17:05

account. You knew that you had, you know, whatever, $200 or

17:08

there was limits on things, but

17:10

then the potential was unlimited,

17:13

right? Your imagination, oh my

17:15

gosh, one day I might do this, or I might go there, I might

17:17

do that. And then as you get older, you start to realize

17:20

these potentialities and you

17:22

experience them and you go, oh, is that all there

17:24

is?

17:25

Oh, okay, so that was that. Cloth

17:28

check. Right. Now

17:30

what? And then I find myself enjoying stuff

17:33

I enjoyed as a child now more than ever. Yep.

17:37

The atelic, I think is the right word of like.

17:39

Atelic. Yeah, I'm just gonna sit here. I'm

17:41

just gonna sit here and watch grass. Yeah.

17:44

Because I don't fucking care about anything anymore. Yeah.

17:47

And the aliens and our alien overlords. And our aliens

17:49

watch grass, wait for the aliens, try to call

17:52

the orbs, try to communicate

17:54

with the aliens if you can. I want those orbs.

17:56

I want to do the astral meditation,

17:59

the astral.

18:00

I want to get out there, man. I want to talk

18:02

to other beings.

18:03

You know, okay, here's a

18:05

little annoying spiritual

18:07

story and stop me if I already told you this. Go ahead.

18:10

So the first time I met

18:12

Ramdas, the- Yes, I loved him.

18:14

Be here now. Be here now. Incredible-

18:18

Spiritual leader. Spiritual leader. Yeah. And

18:21

it was a Zoom call. And

18:24

because I figured out on their website, they had these things called

18:26

heart to heart with Ramdas. And it's like, you don't have to pay

18:28

for it. You just sign up and I'm like, this

18:30

can't be real.

18:32

So I just signed up and then yeah, I get this

18:34

like, I'm scheduled, my phone

18:36

rings. It's like, Duncan, it's Ramdas, are you

18:38

ready? I'm like, well, yeah.

18:41

And then there he is, Ramdas. Glowing,

18:44

radiant, beautiful, big smile.

18:46

Like, I'm

18:49

in the shittiest apartment of my life. Roaches,

18:52

mattress on

18:54

the floor. Like horrible

18:57

fucking place. My neighbors thought the hallway

19:00

was a third bedroom.

19:02

They would like, I'm not joking.

19:05

They would put their kids crib in a bookshelf

19:07

in the hallway and extend. Oh

19:09

no. It was cool. It's kind of nice walking

19:12

by a baby on your way back in a bookshelf. It

19:14

kind of made the hallway look cool. But that was the kind of place

19:16

it was. And I wasn't

19:19

miserable about that. I didn't like the heat because

19:21

the window- Where were you living? Echo

19:24

Park. Oh yeah, it gets hot in the summer. Calumet

19:26

was the road. But anyway, yeah,

19:29

so

19:30

there he is. That's amazing. So,

19:33

not really understanding what a guru

19:35

actually means. Like just,

19:37

everyone kind of is like, you wanna meet

19:39

your soulmate, it'd be nice to meet your guru. So

19:41

I was like, Ramdas,

19:42

are you my guru? And he goes,

19:45

he has big smile. He goes, yes,

19:48

now what? And he was the

19:50

best response. It's like,

19:53

what changed? Yeah, I think you're still

19:55

where you are. This is exactly,

19:57

you know. Oh wow. And I

19:59

think the UFO.

19:59

because that's kind of how I feel about the, if

20:02

we do get ultimate disclosure, we're

20:04

now part of a great galactic

20:08

empire. We have been chosen,

20:11

we went through the initiation, whatever

20:14

they were looking for, we hit whatever watermark

20:17

we needed to hit for them to say hello. Now

20:19

they're here, the ships start showing up, they become

20:21

completely normal, we redirect air traffic,

20:24

because now we have to deal with the UFOs,

20:25

aliens waddling around

20:27

everywhere. Yeah, but how

20:29

long before we're like, eh. Fucking

20:31

aliens. And then yeah, and then we start having alien

20:34

jokes. Yeah, yeah, and making,

20:36

yeah, I know,

20:37

I know alien traffic, it's gonna be so annoying.

20:40

We've got our energy cubes, we no longer

20:42

are connected to the grid, we can have infinite energy sources.

20:44

The anti-gravity technology I really want.

20:47

I do too, but now what? Like you've been able to fly

20:49

around on a cool little disk, you flew over

20:51

the pyramids while you were high. I

20:53

know. All the shit you've been inside, now what?

20:56

That's what Ron does always, I remember there's a talk I listened

20:58

to where he's like, you go to the movies,

21:00

you watch the movies and now what? Let's have ice cream

21:02

and now what? Let's go and drink and now what?

21:04

And let's go to sleep and that's fuck before we go. Okay, now

21:07

what? Now I take a shit, now what? The and

21:09

now what? The and now what? The

21:11

next, the and thing, the and thing. It's never,

21:13

it

21:14

never measures. It doesn't

21:16

matter. It doesn't really,

21:18

I think it's like the double edge

21:20

sort of being human is we're so good at adapting

21:24

to stuff, which is why there's so many of us on

21:26

the planet we can adapt almost anything, but

21:29

part of adaptation means we get used

21:32

to anything for better

21:34

or for worse really quick. So

21:37

the internet, there was no internet, the

21:39

internet shows up, we're like, oh my fucking God,

21:42

I can watch porn. That's primary.

21:44

Without digging through my dad's greasy

21:47

box of porn. Whoa.

21:50

Which is crazy to think about because you're jerking

21:52

after the same stuff your dad jerks off to. Did

21:54

that ever occur to you?

21:55

Not until later in my life. Does

21:59

that book with you? Yeah,

22:01

I mean, for one, now that I have kids, it's

22:03

like, man, they gettin' everything. I'm

22:06

not leaving my, if there were

22:08

a box of porn, I'm not gonna

22:10

lazily hide it behind

22:12

the laundry basket. I

22:14

know, my dad wasn't very good at hiding his

22:16

pornography. It was right next to the, it

22:19

was in the nightstand. Yeah. I'm like,

22:21

what the fuck, just badges with, yeah,

22:23

dude, bro, I know. Or even I

22:25

would read Playboy magazine while I was

22:27

taking his shit too, as a little girl, because it

22:29

was right fuckin' there. Right there. I'm like,

22:32

dude. Right there. And it's like, what are these

22:34

old, what are the dad's ladies? Like,

22:36

fuckin' dads. What, did

22:38

they not know that as soon as they went to

22:40

work to leave us at the house

22:43

for eight hours of unmonitored

22:45

time, that we got so bored,

22:47

all that there was to do was to rifle

22:49

through their shit like feds,

22:51

just everything is right, going

22:54

through literally every drawer for no reason,

22:56

and then there it is. I know.

22:58

It says video tape that

22:59

you put in the VCR and suddenly

23:02

you are watching anal sex

23:05

as a 12 year old.

23:07

Dude, but now it's even younger. They're

23:09

saying today that the kids see

23:11

pornography at like eight, seven,

23:13

like on an iPhone. I don't even let my

23:15

kids on YouTube, dude. You just watched a guy

23:17

on your mom's house wax his asshole

23:20

on YouTube, dude. It's not even taken down.

23:22

38 million people have watched it.

23:23

I think that's a fake YouTube. What

23:26

do you mean it's a fake? My friend sent me the

23:28

ass waxing video. And

23:30

for a second, I had this reaction everyone

23:33

has, which is like, wait, what the fuck? You

23:35

say like, you say, oh,

23:37

you mispronounce a word. You're gonna get potentially

23:40

your account banned from YouTube

23:43

right now. How is this guy, because

23:45

it wasn't really like he's just waxing

23:47

his ass. No, it's everything. He's displaying

23:50

his ass, puckering his ass.

23:52

Like there's a full ass show happening.

23:54

And his dick and balls in the back. I don't want

23:56

to see this guy's,

23:57

but they're very nice. I have to say.

23:59

No, he had a great ass. Yeah,

24:01

great ass. I shudder to think

24:03

about what my asshole looks like right now. I hope I never

24:05

have to see it.

24:07

I would have it sealed if

24:10

I could. Like an old cave, like

24:12

a dangerous well. Don't

24:15

go in there. Duncan's asshole.

24:17

Do you think it really looks that bad? Can't look

24:20

good. You're not hairy though. It's a 48

24:22

year old asshole.

24:24

How could it look good? How many shits is that?

24:27

Oh my God. How many shits is that? Can

24:29

anybody do math really quick? How many shits do you

24:31

take in a day? It

24:34

depends on how sick I am. Would

24:37

you have been eating? Yeah, it depends on what I'm been eating.

24:40

It depends on if I'm doing my laxative diets.

24:42

You're on laxative diets. Oh yeah. What are

24:44

you talking about? Oh, I take laxatives

24:46

because it makes me feel in control.

24:49

You're

24:51

like a model. That's what girls with eating disorders

24:53

do. No, it isn't. What? No, what?

24:56

Eating disorder, what are you talking about? No, it's

24:59

nothing to do with an eating disorder. When I'm

25:01

taking my laxatives and purging

25:04

and I feel in control. It's

25:06

like Princess Diana. Wonderful woman.

25:08

She would go, she eats all the desserts. Great

25:10

princesses. Hello, pups. One of the greatest

25:12

princesses. Here, 17,532 shits is what you've

25:15

taken.

25:17

Well, that's how

25:19

many days are in 48 years, so. Let's

25:22

do like, so it depends. I've gone

25:24

through bad phases.

25:25

So that's potentially. Let's say 1.5

25:27

average of 1.5 shits. And

25:29

that's being generous. Cause there have been like episodes

25:32

where it's like, man, I'm supposed to shit this

25:34

month.

25:35

That's 26,298

25:42

shits. Dude,

25:44

that's so many. Think of that, think of that

25:46

number of shits. What else have you done that for? I

25:48

mean, you eat, you've eaten more than that,

25:51

but that's a ton of shits, bro. You

25:53

slept more than that. God, I love sleeping.

25:56

It's a lot. I don't know,

25:58

I don't know. I don't want to know, like I'm sorry.

25:59

I don't want my wife to know.

26:02

It's just like one of those things. It's like my bald spot.

26:04

I don't have to see it. Yeah, no, I know. I

26:07

know, it's so funny. I was

26:09

actually looking in the mirror today, naked, and I was like,

26:11

it's not bad. It's not bad. I

26:13

always say to myself, I have a mantra, which is like,

26:15

it's not the best, but it's not the worst.

26:18

I know it's not the worst. I've seen worse

26:20

on the internet. I've been to the Schlitterbahn

26:23

water park. I don't know if you've done that yet with your kids. Not

26:25

yet. You wanna see some fat

26:28

shit? You wanna see some people who just got out

26:30

of jail? Yes. Wow.

26:32

Wow. On water slides. Woo,

26:34

that is a slice of humanity. Where you're like,

26:36

there's fucking real evil. That's

26:39

when I start getting weird about pet miles

26:41

and shit. I'm like, dude, that guy's a straight, you know

26:43

when you look at somebody, you're like, this guy fucks kids.

26:45

I know he does. Dude, the Schlitterbahn, if you're

26:48

in, I'm sure you've heard of it, if you live in Austin, this

26:50

shit slaps so hard. It's such a great

26:52

water park. I highly advise, if you can, getting

26:54

the VIP. Wait,

26:55

hold on, I'm so sorry. What? You

26:58

just said there's

27:00

convicts, pedophiles

27:03

and morbidly obese people. There are people who wanna

27:05

fuck your kids. Yeah, go to Schlitterbahn. And you led

27:07

to, you just led to like a

27:09

great dad-a-get-ticket. Yeah,

27:12

because here's the deal. Despite all that,

27:14

it's a fucking feat. This

27:16

park, they really did such a good job. But

27:19

get the VIP passes. They see kids drowning.

27:22

There's like, I saw someone spontaneously

27:24

combust because it's so fucking hot.

27:26

A kid got ripped apart on one of the slides. Now

27:29

Schlitterbahn, the best way

27:31

to get tickets is not how you think. You

27:33

need to get the VIP. Get the VIP pass

27:35

so you can get past all the scumbags.

27:37

Yeah, that takes you, you

27:39

don't have to go through the battle section of the

27:41

park. You get exempt from the PD

27:44

of the pedophiles. Well, that looks like

27:46

a great Lazy River though. Look at that. Yeah,

27:48

this shit's pretty fun, man. Okay,

27:50

let's get into some mom stuff. I

27:53

got some updates. We've been

27:55

on vacation, even though these episodes have been

27:57

dropping.

27:59

Where do I be? again, please play, I've

28:01

been dying to play this video for Duncan,

28:03

the Disney one. So I've been

28:05

following this woman on

28:07

TikTok. So

28:11

let me set this up. She tells

28:13

you how to maximize your time in amusement

28:15

parks. Okay. And

28:17

she has four boys.

28:19

Okay. So

28:21

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30:41

Let's play this for Duncan. I'm just curious. This

30:44

is how we get early park entry to Magic

30:46

Kingdom. Right before I lay

30:48

out our outfits, custom park touring guide and

30:50

park maps. 5 a.m. Ryan's already worked out. Time

30:52

for me to get up, work out and get going. Just a

30:54

20-minute workout and I feel like a million bucks. 5.45

30:57

and I get myself ready with festive Disney makeup.

30:59

Don't forget those mini ears. Especially Disney ready. 6.45

31:02

I'll wake up the boys. They are pumped for Magic

31:04

Kingdom. 6.58 a.m. we book the virtual queue

31:06

for Tron. Got it. Boarding group 80. Then a genie

31:08

plus for Big Thunder. Then I'll pack up my best

31:10

kept secret, my custom park touring guide and throw

31:12

it in my folder. Do the boys hair gel and we are out

31:15

the door. 10 after 7 we order an Uber and head

31:17

down. The

31:17

Uber has arrived and we strategically get dropped

31:19

off in front of Disney's contemporary resort.

31:22

This walkway is the best way to get you to

31:24

Magic Kingdom ahead of the crowd. 7.20

31:25

a.m. we are first in line at the

31:27

gate. This is what Mitch McConnell heard when he

31:29

froze up. He can see

31:33

time. Still

31:35

so dirty a.m. 7 dwarfs mine train.

31:38

Then at 8.20 a.m. the park is officially

31:40

open. We wait no longer than 10 minutes for one of the best

31:42

rides in the park. At 9.25

31:45

I squish the live mice I keep in my pocket.

31:47

At 9.30 I pray to Satan for

31:49

forgiveness. At 9.45 I think with these videos

31:52

it's not fair. And

32:00

here's the problem, they don't add the other

32:02

thing, the camera setup. So

32:05

when she's like, I'm up at 6.45, I

32:08

set up my first camera and my lights, and then

32:10

I text my editor and tell him to go fuck himself,

32:12

I'm not paying him more. And you know what I mean?

32:15

Yes, so much. At 9.42,

32:16

I think for one

32:18

moment about the fact that I'm leeching my children's

32:21

childhood from them and monetizing it like some

32:23

kind of horrific vampire. At 9.47, I shave

32:28

my bush for the 15th time today. There's

32:30

no hair there, but it just makes me stop feeling

32:33

sad because I'm a vampire

32:35

mother who just wants to devour my children's

32:37

childhood and make as much money as I possibly

32:40

can. At 9.49, I look at my

32:42

bank account. 9.50, my husband walks

32:44

in and pretends that he loves me, even though I've devastated

32:46

our lives with my self-obsession. But

32:51

I, what about that part? Yeah, I

32:53

agree. And the, gosh,

32:55

the anxiety, can't you feel it?

32:58

It's palpable. Well, it's- It's palpable.

33:00

Okay, so this is horrific. What's the

33:02

fear? She's gonna miss out on the fucking

33:06

tea cups? Yeah. But she needs to

33:08

itemize and get up, but the part

33:10

that really gets me is she wakes

33:12

up early for her workout,

33:15

the 20-minute workout that she, in

33:17

abs, I feel great, she doesn't need to do that. You're

33:19

going to Disneyland. The whole day is

33:21

a workout, and epic walking.

33:23

Right. Why are you doing

33:25

this to yourself? Well, I mean, it's

33:27

gotta feel good to torture normal people

33:29

with your bullshit, monetized

33:32

hell life.

33:33

Like, what do you, you know what I mean? Like, a d- Okay,

33:36

you see a demon, right? A

33:38

real demon gets out of a crack

33:41

in hell, and you watch, and

33:43

you're like, why is that demon dismembering

33:45

that old man?

33:47

You know what I mean? That's what it does. It's

33:50

like that Chris Rock joke about the tiger. You

33:52

know, that tiger didn't go crazy. The tiger

33:54

went tiger. You know, when- It's true. So

33:56

I think when you're seeing this, the meta

33:59

story by- behind it, which is like,

34:01

it was already awful traveling

34:04

with my mom as a kid. Remember

34:07

if your mom was in a hurry, bless you. If your mom's

34:09

in a hurry, if your mom, remember the

34:11

weird anxiety your mom would have about going to the

34:13

airport and all that and how much it

34:15

hurt and how brutal it was and how freaky.

34:18

Imagine this mom filming

34:21

everything you do. I hate it.

34:23

That's not Disneyland. You're working. You're

34:25

a working, unpaid child

34:27

actor, not protected by union

34:29

regulations. And you, as soon

34:31

as you find heroin,

34:33

you're

34:34

going to get to the

34:36

photograph that we end on.

34:38

Look at, can I tell you that there is not one

34:41

image of my children and me

34:43

at the end of that video where everyone's

34:46

standing, everyone looks clean and everyone's smiling.

34:48

Like not one photo.

34:51

Even when we hired a photographer once

34:53

to take our photos, it's like my, Ellis

34:56

is leaning forward. Like, one

34:58

kid's got like a loaf of bread in his hand for

35:00

some reason. This is impossible

35:02

to achieve.

35:03

Well, that is not real. That's some

35:05

kind of, also, you know what it's like, what

35:07

you're doing there is you're like at 928, I pose

35:10

for a picture with my children to make

35:12

sure that the 20% petals that have been

35:14

documented to watch the YouTube videos I'm

35:17

monetizing from, get

35:19

a good look at my kids and

35:21

know exactly where we are

35:22

in case they have a chance to snatch them. Yeah.

35:26

What about that? That's another thing. You

35:28

know, look at the stats on how many petals

35:30

are watching TikTok. Oh yeah. And

35:32

then ask yourself, is it worth the

35:34

money?

35:35

Knowing that, like, who's watching this?

35:37

Oh, you don't know what creeper is watching this. Like, what

35:40

is the assumption? You've got people like us watching

35:42

it and being like, God, maybe this is hell. And

35:45

then you've got another swath of people

35:47

being like, well, I'm a failure. Maybe I'll kill

35:49

myself. And then the rest are.

35:52

That is. Don't

35:54

control everybody. You want to plug some dates? I mean,

35:56

that was like such a thorough analysis. Thank

35:59

you.

35:59

You fucking nailed it.

36:01

Well, you know, my wife alerts me to

36:03

this stuff. She feels very strongly about how rotten

36:05

it is. And so we have conversations

36:07

about just like, you know, and what

36:10

will come will be some form of protection

36:12

for these poor children who don't have

36:15

the ability to consent to this. Oh yeah. Or

36:17

being emotionally manipulated. Of course. Because

36:19

like, if you're like being run around and at some point you

36:22

say to your mom, mom, I kind of just want to

36:24

be a kid and enjoy my childhood.

36:27

These cameras are everywhere.

36:29

They probably will say something.

36:31

I mean, I don't know this story, but they will probably say

36:33

something like, okay. Yeah.

36:36

We can do that. I'll turn the cameras off, but they're

36:39

going to turn the power off. Yeah. We're

36:43

going to have to move. You wanted to go to college. There's

36:45

four of you. Yeah, I guess we don't need to go to college. Yeah.

36:48

I'll go back to

36:49

working at the gate. Yeah. It's

36:52

a parking box. Yeah, we'll go back to working at the

36:54

parking box, I guess. The

36:56

ranch. Well, you know, it's interesting. You bring up a really good

36:58

point because remember that show Johnny Kate plus

37:01

eight

37:01

on the learning channel, when he used to be called

37:04

the learning channel. Yeah, right. And they

37:06

elected to have,

37:08

you know, multiple children. And

37:11

as a justification, it was

37:13

like, well, we have to have this reality show because

37:16

we have eight children to support. And it's like

37:18

the chicken and the egg, right? So as a viewer, you're

37:20

like, well, they're profiting, they're paying for their eight

37:22

fucking kids, but at the same

37:25

time, exploiting eight

37:27

fucking kids. And now they're adults.

37:29

And one of these children I just read is

37:31

now very, he's a very mentally ill guy. He's

37:34

writing letters to the father and he's institutionalized

37:37

and all that. It's like,

37:38

it is just so inhumane to put your

37:40

children in the spotlight. I mean, you and I do it electively,

37:43

but we've also been doing it as a slow trickle,

37:45

a slow drill. I don't put them in the spotlight. I would never put

37:47

my children on social media. But I'm saying like you and I elected

37:50

to do comedy, let's say. Yeah.

37:53

We've been doing it for so long that like, you can say whatever you want. I don't fucking

37:56

care your comments. Right. Okay,

37:58

Larry, I don't care. Right.

37:59

that's like, kid, no, this is

38:02

terrible. And what about that? What about

38:04

that? What about the fact that at some

38:06

point, their friends are gonna find

38:09

thousands of hours of them online

38:11

and then their bully is gonna find some

38:14

embarrassing moment and show it to the class. What

38:16

about all that? Like all of the things, it

38:19

is just so warped and I guarantee

38:21

in the next 10 years,

38:23

hardcore legislation, some kind of regulation

38:25

will be passed. I hope so. Also,

38:27

it's like with a child actor,

38:30

I don't know how they do it exactly, but I think that

38:32

money goes to a trust. Yeah, yes, Rob Eiler,

38:35

Not Today Pal, they have a podcast, he

38:37

and Mary, Mary? My wife, Jamie

38:39

Lynn Sigler, sorry guys. I was thinking of Mary Lynn Rice

38:41

Cup. They have a podcast

38:43

called Not Today Pal and they're both child

38:46

stars on Sopranos. And yes, there

38:48

is a fund that the money gets put into so that

38:50

your parents can no longer rip you off

38:52

and then you end up penniless and they draw your eyes. Exactly,

38:54

yeah, because it's like what, you graduate and

38:57

what do you got? You don't even own the account. You

38:59

don't own the Instagram account. You've got nothing.

39:01

And now that you're like, now that

39:04

you've grown up, nobody wants to see your ass

39:06

in Disneyland, all the press,

39:09

pentagram tattoos on your face.

39:11

Like Amanda Bynes.

39:13

Yeah, it's so funny too because

39:15

Disney's the happiest place on earth and somehow

39:18

this woman managed to suck all the joy

39:20

and spontaneity out of the day. Oh

39:22

yeah. At 8.40 we're in line and then we get the early

39:24

pass and it's like, God damn dude.

39:27

How did you suck joy out of the

39:29

happiest place on earth? You

39:31

fucking, anyway, let's

39:33

do the opposite though.

39:35

Four boys

39:36

going to Disneyland.

39:38

You kind of do need to be organized. Like you

39:40

do need some kind of structure. Fuck,

39:43

but I don't know about building itineraries.

39:46

I mean, come on. I mean, yeah,

39:48

it's crazy. I mean, I'm not

39:50

saying

39:50

you shouldn't be organized as a parent. You

39:53

definitely should be organized as a parent. Yeah.

39:56

As a dad, I can remember,

39:58

because my wife was an- a nanny

40:00

and she understands

40:02

about the deal. And I can remember like,

40:05

all right, let's go to the playground.

40:07

And she would look at me like, are

40:10

you fucking serious? You said

40:12

that in front of them? You know how their

40:14

nap time is in an hour. You know what

40:16

that means. You don't just go to the

40:18

playground. You gotta get the EpiPen, the

40:20

diapers, the lotions, the salves, the

40:22

bombs,

40:23

water, all of this stuff

40:25

packed up and then like deal with the

40:28

inevitable like breakdown that's

40:30

gonna happen somewhere in there. You're gonna forget something

40:32

and all this stuff. I didn't know that. So I'm not, I

40:35

know you have to be organized to do this stuff

40:37

but add to it. It's just,

40:39

it's so dishonest. Show me the camera.

40:42

I know. Film yourself setting up the tripod.

40:44

I'm up at 4am. Who's filming it? Film

40:47

the tripod, film the setup, film

40:49

that part. Show me all that. Show

40:51

me the editing when you get back from the, from

40:54

the, from Disneyland and your kids looking

40:57

at things like,

40:58

loically people say, Vin, there's this picture

41:00

of, in Giant and of these, I mean,

41:02

we have a lot of things coming out of it and

41:06

I don't want it. You know what unmet, why

41:08

don't you use it? I have all these different ways, and I can't

41:10

like at the medical dunno what our IG is. I

41:13

don't like it. I love I can explain it. I

41:16

do like it a lot. Just show it off

41:18

to your age- Soul week long. That's gonna be great. All

41:21

right. Hey, thank you for coming in today, the Lego

41:24

cannot collect produced. I

41:26

also have footage of her non-Disney day routine.

41:28

Let's take a look what life is like. Four boys, this

41:30

is our summer morning routine. Summer, this is

41:32

vacation. I wake up at 5.15 AM. I

41:34

immediately put my workout clothes on, brush my teeth

41:36

and make my bed. I try to read for a couple minutes

41:39

every morning. I drink an AG one for nutrition,

41:41

an element for electrolytes, and I'll sip on

41:43

this throughout the day. Since Monday, I finalize

41:45

our weekly family schedule called the Rabeled Roundup,

41:48

print it, then take it to the fridge. I place a grocery

41:50

order from Whole Foods based on the meals and the weekly

41:52

well. Whole Foods for a family of six Whole Foods. 20 minutes

41:55

on the treadmill and 14 minutes, high intensity

41:57

on the floor. I never miss a workout because

41:59

it makes me feel good.

41:59

I take a cold shower if you haven't read

42:02

about the benefits definitely check it out Where's your husband

42:04

get myself ready for the day all this time with

42:06

no kids running in my life is organized

42:11

Myself I am more than ready to take care of my

42:13

boy They will put away the laundry and make the beds

42:15

in each of their rooms my boys can help if they

42:17

want But I don't force it. I like it to be a certain.

42:19

Oh, yeah In

42:22

the words of The

42:25

world start off by making Okay,

42:30

so first of all, this is if you have small

42:32

children, it's absolute bullshit First

42:35

of all, they're fucking screaming and running

42:37

into your room at 6 a.m. If you're

42:39

lucky like on a good day That

42:42

shit's not happening. You're not waking up.

42:44

You're not doing your workout and then Addressing

42:47

your children you leave that's crazy. It's

42:49

you are a crazy

42:51

By maniacs. Yeah that you love

42:53

more than anything on earth Maniacs

42:56

and like my my kiddo like

42:58

police knock on the Drug

43:05

prohibition shit comes up as I'm well Shit

43:11

and then you know, he's

43:13

wonderful. He'll be so excited like, you

43:15

know Honestly, I'm not gonna do it

43:17

cuz like not this is I'm sorry

43:19

if this seems like virtue signaling But

43:21

we did make a decision to not even try to

43:23

not even tell too many stories about like cuz that's

43:25

not Conventional, you know, I mean, I listen

43:28

I'm on the same. Yes, I agree But but

43:30

but but yeah, it's so it's exhausting

43:32

like moms I'm like, you

43:34

know, yeah this doesn't this is the other

43:36

like if the aliens Yeah,

43:39

I'll go ahead eating on our

43:41

suffering in this lady. We're all

43:43

done She's the alien. Yeah.

43:46

Yeah Like as a mom

43:48

is a parent the last thing you needed is

43:50

another reason to feel guilty There's already enough

43:52

reasons I know it pop up that

43:54

make you feel guilty as a parent that think that you're

43:56

not like it like doing ice baths

43:59

and

43:59

cocaine enemas or whatever this lady's

44:02

doing, you're just... I

44:05

don't think she's really doing cocaine now. No, no, no, it's all

44:07

right. I don't know. It's just very interesting,

44:09

the need to portray it is, I don't

44:11

know. I guess I don't understand, I don't know. But

44:14

whatever... Listen to the voice. Listen

44:16

to the rhythm of her voice. It says it, bless you. Listen

44:18

to the rhythm of her voice. That rhythm, that

44:20

weird... I wake up at 5am and I had my shake

44:23

because there's nothing better than drinking my mushrooms in the morning

44:25

instead of coffee. And then I could take

44:27

an ice bath because I ta ta ta ta ta ta ta. Yeah.

44:29

You know, Matt, you know it's scary.

44:32

You know what's scary? That

44:35

is called the TikTok dialect. Like,

44:37

you can look it up. Yes, yes. I

44:40

try to read for a couple of minutes. A

44:42

couple of minutes? She reads for two whole minutes. Two whole

44:44

fucking

44:44

minutes? That's incredible. Wow. I

44:48

mean, if you can do that with two kids

44:50

or four boys... How do you

44:53

even read for two minutes? Listen,

44:56

my kids wake me up 6, 30, whatever, 7 in the

44:58

morning. Mom, mom,

45:00

one of them pushes an iPad in my face. Can you buy me more Roblox? And

45:03

the other one is like, mom, I want you to cuddle. I want you to cuddle.

45:06

It's needs from like the minute they

45:08

open their eyes. So I don't know what

45:11

voodoo this woman has that her kids aren't

45:12

asserting needs. She's got

45:14

not just two babies. There's two other... There's

45:17

boys. And I got to say this so that I don't mis-portray

45:20

my wife carries the weight here. They all

45:22

climb on her. And yeah, it's the intensity

45:25

of it. Don't

45:31

tell your story. Duncan, sorry. I got to say

45:33

it before. I don't feel like kids want dad.

45:36

Maybe that's just in our house?

45:42

They don't give a fuck about dad. It's all

45:44

mom. They want me. I guess we're

45:46

done. Me. Hey, thanks for having me on your

45:48

show. You're just fucking the

45:52

sprig of whatever on the meal. You

45:54

know what? I'm just going to go snort some hair. I want to go to my

45:56

favorite floor. You're the garnish. Give me mom.

45:59

Look.

45:59

You know what? I'm sorry, interrupting.

46:02

Here's the, no, thank you for interrupting. And I,

46:05

you know, I think,

46:06

I must say that I

46:10

think you're right. But that doesn't mean they don't need

46:13

dads and it doesn't mean dads don't play an important

46:15

role in their life. But

46:17

when people are dying,

46:20

when have you ever heard a story of someone dying calling out

46:22

for their dad? That's right.

46:24

They call out for their mama. That's so true.

46:26

Mommy, mommy, they don't go, dad! I

46:30

found one of your vapes on the floor! Wait,

46:34

mommy says you didn't do this, which she's right.

46:36

By the way, I gotta say this. I'm so sorry.

46:39

I do feel like I need to say this. Everyone, I understand

46:41

this is awful and I've made a sacred

46:44

vow that as soon as the baby

46:46

comes, these are gone. I just want

46:48

everybody to know, I don't wanna promote this bullshit.

46:51

It's awful and I'm so addicted and

46:52

it's pathetic. That's okay, Duncan. Can

46:54

I tell you something? You and I are in a shame spiral

46:56

about, I'm in a similar shame spiral.

47:00

Honestly,

47:01

you're about to have your third child. You're any

47:03

minute. And

47:06

you're in a moment of stress. You're about

47:08

to enter triage. We know what that newborn

47:11

phase is like. It's a nightmare. So

47:13

you're in anxiety, you're in anticipation. What's

47:15

wrong with soothing yourself with

47:18

a little something something? Look, every month

47:20

I give my period, I wanna die. You know what

47:22

I do? I drink, I drink, I drink two glasses of wine

47:25

and then I flog myself about it. So I'm

47:27

like, I drink two glasses for like a whole

47:29

week. And then I'm convinced I'm an

47:31

alcoholic. You're just getting through a hard time.

47:34

When you're done, you're done. Thank you. No flogging.

47:36

I appreciate that. Thank you so much. I mean, I just,

47:39

yes, I appreciate that. I mean, that's how I've been looking at it. But

47:42

yeah,

47:42

I don't wanna admit I'm stressed out. That's

47:45

the other part of it is like, you kinda wanna pretend you're

47:47

not stressed out. And I'm not, like, it's

47:49

not. And then I'm not gonna be like, it's beautiful.

47:52

It's a big deal. But it's intense. Yeah,

47:54

you're- It's a beautiful, intense thing. You're on

47:56

the precipice of bringing in a new life and

47:58

new family and not only-

47:59

that the dynamics gonna change. Going

48:02

from no kids to one kids was fucking

48:05

epic and

48:07

crazy and catastrophic in some

48:09

ways and then you figure that out and now you're gonna add a

48:11

second and that's even a crazy new configuration

48:14

and now three kids is gonna be a new configuration.

48:18

You're about to go into the craziness. And I'm

48:20

trying to level my character up in Diablo 4.

48:22

Wow, you didn't even mention that bro.

48:25

It's very difficult because of the patch

48:27

they did but I'm working on it.

48:29

You didn't tell me that. I didn't want to freak you out or

48:31

make you feel like scared for me. It's like,

48:33

wow, it's really hard. It's a necromancer

48:36

bone build but yeah it's like, that's.

48:38

Does your wife know? Oh

48:41

she knows. She sounds

48:43

like she loves it. She loves it. Nothing

48:46

you know like a lot of people I think and

48:48

for especially for this podcast a lot of people,

48:50

a lot of dads especially they

48:53

want to spice up their marriage. You

48:55

want to get her wet.

48:58

But yeah if you want to spice up your marriage the best

49:00

way to do it is get addicted

49:02

to a never

49:05

ending video game.

49:06

Yes women love watching grown

49:08

adult fathers, by the way, of

49:10

their children in bed. Playing

49:12

a video game.

49:14

Especially when they have two children, two

49:16

little kids. It's a delight. Who are

49:18

needs, just needs.

49:20

I honestly before I started before

49:23

I got addicted to Diablo 4,

49:26

I was feeling, I

49:28

was afraid like I hope Aaron doesn't ever lose

49:30

his respect for me. I mean you know what I mean like

49:32

and then as soon as

49:34

she saw me get my first

49:36

character to level 70, she

49:39

wept. And

49:41

I know those were tears of pride.

49:44

She wept and she

49:45

ran outside and like

49:48

wept. Hey everybody did you know yeah

49:50

when my husband comes out of his office

49:53

after neglecting

49:55

or ignoring our family for about 30,

49:58

40, two hours, three hours and he comes out.

49:59

And he's got like a ring, a VR

50:02

goggle ring. Nothing

50:06

says, yeah, pride. It's hot. I'm

50:08

excited sexually. It's

50:10

hot. I appreciate your.

50:13

When she hears me call

50:15

out from the room because the game

50:17

crashed when I was about to beat a boss, I'd

50:19

been working on for like two hours.

50:22

Like, you know what

50:23

I mean? She loves that. Well, I try not to

50:25

vocalize because I think it like makes her like

50:27

feel like sad for me. You

50:30

know what I mean? She wants me to level

50:32

up. She knows this. I don't know if I'm gonna be able to

50:34

get

50:35

to the end game in this new season. Sure,

50:37

sure, sure. Yeah, it's probably

50:39

the same way I feel. Like my husband,

50:41

my children are screaming

50:44

or running through the house and I'm trying

50:46

to wrangle them and bath

50:48

time and our dinner needs to get on the

50:50

table. And I look over and I see him chuckling

50:52

to his iPhone.

50:54

Just scrolling, just watching those

50:56

LOLs, funny vids. And I'm like, good for

50:58

you. I'm glad you have that time to yourself. Well,

51:00

you know, I mean, I get it. I

51:03

feel like you're being a little sarcastic, but

51:07

men harvest data.

51:10

That's what we're doing. It's no different than the farmer

51:13

in the field.

51:14

Harvesting. It's no different than the

51:16

farmer in the field. I'm harvesting

51:18

data for my comedy.

51:22

Oh, may I ask you this? So my husband recently,

51:25

so he was really big into murder shows for the

51:27

longest time and he watches his shows as I fall

51:29

asleep. And so for like so many

51:31

years, it was like, you know, whatever,

51:34

murders, I'm trying to say Edgar Cayce, but

51:36

that's the

51:37

guy that does that. That's psychic. John

51:40

Wayne, Casey. John Wayne. Anyway,

51:42

the point is for years was that and now

51:44

he switched over into World War II. Is

51:46

it an inevitability that all dads

51:49

become fans of Hitler?

51:51

It's like

51:53

we know the way that the caterpillar transforms

51:58

into the butterfly. Yes.

51:59

It's documented, it's understood.

52:02

And in the dad phase,

52:05

you go from forensic files

52:09

to you catch that first glimpse

52:11

of like World War II, whatever

52:14

it was, someone now like Hitler

52:16

and the occult or whatever. And

52:19

then you Ken Burns World

52:21

War II or even a World War II

52:23

movie. It catches your eye, you don't go

52:25

to it right away. You're like, you know what? I'm gonna watch

52:27

a rerun of forensic files because

52:30

by then you've watched them all. More people

52:32

need to get murdered.

52:33

You know, you're just waiting for murders to

52:35

make some more forensic files. They're

52:39

so, they're all done, they're all out. You've

52:41

seen them all. They're fresh out. So you go back to an old

52:43

episode, maybe some date line,

52:46

Keith Morrison, the ultimate. And then,

52:48

you know, eventually

52:50

you're like, you know what, I'm

52:52

gonna improve myself. I

52:55

never paid attention to history. And

52:57

you start watching World War II and

52:59

it feels like when the turtles come

53:02

out of, the baby turtles go to the sea. You're

53:04

just like. What's up with this Hitler guy everyone's been talking

53:07

about? Yes. What's going on with Hitler?

53:09

You're fascinated by the horror

53:11

of it. You're drawn in by it. But

53:13

also, at least for me, there's a real

53:16

idiot sense of like, I'm improving

53:19

because I'm studying history.

53:21

Well, you're learning stuff. You're learning stuff.

53:23

And so, yeah, that is part of

53:25

the phase. It's a

53:28

phase. It's a dad evolution

53:30

because my father, always

53:33

with the World War II, always with the communism,

53:35

Tom's father, rest in peace,

53:37

top dog, obsessed with war

53:39

and war strategy. And you know what happened

53:42

in

53:42

this battle. Yeah. Yeah.

53:45

Yeah. It's incredible. Yeah. But

53:48

I'll tell you, I gotta text Tom. You

53:51

guys gotta get into it. Because my thing

53:53

right now is Reddit, Ukraine

53:56

War Report. Okay. For dads

53:58

out there. Don't stay in

54:01

that musty old distant fucking

54:03

past dive into World War three, baby

54:06

While it's fresh fresh

54:08

baked bread So you're telling

54:11

me there's so that oh, here's

54:13

the neat thing is like Do you get to see real photos

54:15

and videos like in real time?

54:18

It's neat Wow

54:22

Can't tell you why I like tick-tock which

54:24

is where I get all my information truly like this is how

54:26

I started with the UFO stuff I saw a

54:28

clip of David Grush giving his News Nation

54:30

interview about the aliens and I was like wait This

54:33

guy seems like a real fucking human.

54:35

This isn't some cousin fucker in Tennessee.

54:37

That's right. This guy's real anyway

54:40

That's how I learned about everything in the world

54:42

like during the pandy. I

54:44

would fucking

54:45

Watch tick-tock and see people

54:47

in Brooklyn being like right now These are dead

54:49

bodies or an ambulance just from cold and you're

54:51

like, oh my god. No one's showing that Yeah, so

54:54

that's really cool I didn't I didn't put it together that read

54:56

it you always have to join with reddit and I don't want

54:58

to join I don't think with

55:00

the Ukraine war report. I don't think

55:02

I've had to join but I have joined reddit I don't

55:04

know. I mean I have an account but I I can't

55:06

remember But yeah, you

55:08

just I like I haven't honestly

55:11

I'm kind of like out of step with it But

55:13

like I read it with

55:15

what's going on in the war. You're so deeply entrenched

55:17

in what is it Diablo for right now You've

55:20

got your other battles you're fighting

55:22

right, you know that's part of my by

55:24

my cycle of yogic cycle of

55:26

going to bed is I Play

55:29

Diablo for though. My eyes get blurry

55:31

and then I go on reddit You

55:33

can't report and fall asleep and have

55:35

horrific nightmares. I wake up

55:37

with a kid pounding on my door

55:39

It sounds right. It sounds about right.

55:41

Yeah, but it's weird. I don't know why we like that

55:44

shit I mean, I think it's it's like I don't know what that

55:46

is I remember being so

55:47

bored with it when my dad would watch any

55:49

kind of like Historic war

55:51

footage, but we we do like it. You guys

55:53

love it the violence or I don't know. I

55:56

don't know It's not from I mean, I like I like

55:58

I don't like World War two by saying

55:59

It is fascinating, because you're like, you can't

56:02

wrap your head around it. You're like, wait, these atrocities,

56:04

wait, what, dude? And then they built these what,

56:07

and then that what? Yeah. It's so

56:09

wild. And then, yeah, it's crazy just

56:11

to see history repeating itself over

56:13

and over again, too.

56:14

I know, it's so fucked

56:17

up. It's so fucked up. It's very

56:19

strange. Maybe there's some like power

56:21

fantasy, like, you know,

56:23

we like Genghis Khan. Like

56:25

most dads will get into like some kind

56:27

of Genghis Khan. What's his name? The

56:30

incredible podcast, Hardcore

56:31

History. Oh, okay. Dan Carlin. Oh,

56:33

it's so good. But you will get caught

56:35

up in some like, you know, moment

56:39

in history where there was insane

56:41

battles. And I think there's an odd

56:44

fantasy where you like, you

56:47

ponder, what would I have been like as Julie

56:49

Cesar? Yeah, I see that. You know what I mean?

56:51

Like, what would that have been like? It's

56:54

kind of like white guys with nunchucks.

56:56

Like, there's always a point where

56:58

you, did you ever have a pair of nunchucks? Of course.

57:02

Of course. In your apartment, you were like, look

57:05

at this girl. Did you show your girlfriends? No,

57:07

as a kid, that was a kid thing. I honestly,

57:10

I avoided white, the nunchucku

57:13

or whatever. Sorry, I'm sorry, my mispronounced.

57:15

It's actually a nun, I only know that from

57:17

karate class with my kids, but

57:20

there was a weird name for them. It's nunchucku.

57:22

I don't

57:22

understand. Fucking don't get it. It's a

57:25

weapon, it seems like. Well, it's an impractical,

57:27

it's gonna bounce and hit your face and.

57:31

Put it under your arm, that weird armpit catch,

57:33

bring it back full of your stink, smack

57:36

your opponent in the face with some pheromones.

57:41

I would like to share with you, Doug, give some

57:44

photographs. I don't know if your children at the

57:46

age where they take your iPhone, I

57:48

don't know, this is like standard toddler-ish, where

57:50

they take your iPhone and they take photos and

57:52

you'll have like 20 of the same photo.

57:54

Okay, yeah, that does, I know what you're talking about. That

57:57

does happen, sure. So these were.

58:00

for some photos taken of me, but I'm like, I

58:02

have a five-year-old, I just wanted to share. It's

58:04

really nice, right? That looks, that one's good,

58:06

and I'm like mid-sentence talking to somebody,

58:08

I just woke up, it's in the kitchen. It's

58:10

artistic. There you go, that one looks really

58:12

good. It's,

58:15

you know, it's, you gotta look deep into

58:17

this. This is art photography.

58:19

It is. Like, I think that there's something going on here. Let's

58:21

watch the series. Very artistic next. Okay,

58:25

I see, I get the message. Looks good,

58:27

and boom, there

58:30

you go. No, there's something deep here.

58:33

Sure. There's like his choice of that slight

58:36

angle to it. Is he editorializing?

58:39

Is there some

58:39

commentary? What's he saying? I think

58:42

so, he's a deep guy, he's working on many

58:45

levels. That's so funny. I wanna do

58:47

an entire art series of pictures my

58:49

toddlers take of me. That would be incredible. I know,

58:51

this is all bad for a gallery.

58:54

You should do that. I will, because

58:56

he does, I give my children Polaroids

58:59

too, and they take pictures around the house.

59:01

Maybe I'll do an art gallery.

59:04

That would be super funny and cool. Yeah,

59:07

just bad pictures of yourself.

59:10

Oh, God. You know, you got,

59:13

look, and I'm sorry if this is pandering. You

59:15

moms are too fucking hard on yourselves. I've

59:17

never seen anything like in my life. You guys

59:20

brutalize yourselves. It's

59:22

crazy, those are fine pictures.

59:24

But I think it's because you go from being a person

59:27

to being like

59:29

two people's person. You're

59:31

the person, you're the source, and

59:34

you don't really have as much time as you did

59:36

for normal woman

59:39

things. Before, it was just all

59:41

me all day long, and now you're

59:43

like, oh, I must be deficient

59:45

in that area because I'm not working on it as much.

59:47

But I don't really care. Also, at the same time, we

59:50

talked about this before we rolled up, I just turned 47 and

59:53

I'm like looking down the barrel of 50, and

59:56

I'm like, fucking, this is wild, but

59:58

at the same time, it's very liberating

59:59

you're like, I don't care. It's kind

1:00:02

of fun to be yourself more and more and more

1:00:04

the more you go with it. You're like, I'm fucking

1:00:06

weird and out harder and harder. By

1:00:09

the time I'm 70, I'm gonna be fucking insane. I

1:00:11

think it's one of

1:00:12

the most punk rock things out there. Right?

1:00:15

Like I think it is so hardcore.

1:00:18

And you know, I mean, this is like a weird

1:00:20

thought I had. I

1:00:22

was at a pool. There's

1:00:24

a diving board. And I

1:00:26

am watching people like

1:00:29

jump off the diving board into

1:00:31

the pool and like doing flips and backflips.

1:00:33

And some people are afraid and some people are doing

1:00:36

like crazy shit, cannonballs,

1:00:38

belly flaps. And I thought, oh my God,

1:00:40

if you fast forwarded human

1:00:43

life, it's essentially a diving

1:00:45

board where we're jumping into death

1:00:49

and in the

1:00:51

air we do these little like tricks that

1:00:53

are our lives, right? It's a trick.

1:00:56

You're doing a very

1:00:56

quick- On my mind, bro. You might

1:00:58

belly flop. You might cannonball.

1:01:01

You might be one of those assholes who does like

1:01:03

three triple backflips and has

1:01:05

abs or whatever. But no matter what, how

1:01:08

cool your trick is, you're gonna land in the water

1:01:11

and someone else is right behind you to do another

1:01:13

trick and no one's thinking about your trick after

1:01:15

you hit the water. And so I think, you

1:01:18

know,

1:01:18

parenting, what's cool

1:01:21

about it is that you're

1:01:23

leaving more people to go on

1:01:25

the diving board. You know what I mean? It's

1:01:27

not just about you doing your fancy ass thing

1:01:30

and your whatever the fuck it is,

1:01:32

your numb chucks or your private

1:01:34

plan. It's like, you know what

1:01:36

I mean? You're like, you're

1:01:40

helping this like wonderful, incredible,

1:01:43

beautiful, heartbreaking game continue

1:01:45

on and on and you have to give up a part

1:01:47

of yourself for that. Can I tell you the best part

1:01:49

of it though? The narcissistic part

1:01:52

that I fucking love is watching

1:01:54

my kids develop a sense of

1:01:56

humor

1:01:57

and when it aligns with mine, I'm like,

1:01:59

yeah. Yes, this is what I'm fucking talking

1:02:02

about. The fact that, you know

1:02:04

what I'm saying? Now we can laugh at the same shit.

1:02:06

I'm like, oh, this is all I've wanted. To

1:02:08

put, and I like putting

1:02:10

that in the world where you're like, oh good, at least you'll

1:02:12

have a good sense of humor to get you through

1:02:14

the

1:02:15

shit show of existence. You're

1:02:17

gonna need that, so much. It's

1:02:21

incredible when they actually start

1:02:24

pulling off actual jokes. Yeah.

1:02:27

It's amazing. Yeah, it's rad. And watching

1:02:29

them light up because they

1:02:32

realize they have elicited legitimate

1:02:34

laughter from everyone. And like seeing

1:02:37

in them what's in us, it's really

1:02:39

cool. It's rad. Yeah, it's really, really cool.

1:02:42

Yeah, and my youngest turned five, which

1:02:44

is fucking praise a lot. Like now

1:02:47

we're out of the, thank you, out

1:02:49

of the fucking the dysregulated

1:02:52

toddler years. And like,

1:02:54

you know, they're able to regulate their emotions

1:02:57

a bit better at five. And I'm like, fucking finally,

1:02:59

dude. I just realized I did the math.

1:03:02

I've been experiencing tantrums

1:03:04

for seven years.

1:03:05

Jesus God. I know, and it's

1:03:07

like at the point where nature knows I'm about

1:03:10

tapped out. This bitch can't take another

1:03:12

tantrum because I opened the Popsicle

1:03:15

package and he didn't want me to open it that way.

1:03:18

And now that you know what I mean? That is wild.

1:03:19

What'll trigger a tantrum is wild.

1:03:22

Wild. To watch them go from

1:03:24

completely, like, statically

1:03:27

happy to like, falling

1:03:30

on the floor as though they just

1:03:32

heard like a meteor is about to impact

1:03:35

earth in five minutes. Like complete defeat,

1:03:36

despair. And then

1:03:39

like, if you fall for that shit, you'll

1:03:41

overreact. But then when you realize like, they'll

1:03:43

be fine in

1:03:44

less than two minutes. It's a wave. It's a

1:03:47

wave. I know and to not react. And

1:03:49

sometimes it's so hard

1:03:51

to not get into the reaction game

1:03:53

of like, dude, shut the fuck up.

1:03:55

Like just, I actually get more into, I get

1:03:57

more defeated than I get angry.

1:03:59

I think Tom. tends to be more like, what are you doing?

1:04:01

Like, he gets more upset. And I

1:04:03

just get into like, God, my life is fucking,

1:04:05

I'm gonna die. Like, I go into like, despair.

1:04:09

It's just, well, it's, I mean, it's like

1:04:11

being next to a volcano, like

1:04:14

a psychic volcano. I

1:04:17

believe in past lives. I think you're watching like

1:04:19

a fissure open up and just like, you're

1:04:22

not, they're not screaming about the Popsicle stick.

1:04:24

They're screaming

1:04:24

because in some past life, they

1:04:27

watch their family get trampled by

1:04:29

elephants, right? Before they died or who

1:04:31

knows what's coming out

1:04:33

of that. It could be the Popsicle,

1:04:36

but

1:04:37

it could be many, many things. No,

1:04:39

hold on. Let's discuss this because you and I

1:04:41

now are alien aficionados together.

1:04:44

And we

1:04:46

share in a consciousness, right?

1:04:48

So you're telling me that like humans are whatever.

1:04:51

We all take a piece of this big consciousness.

1:04:53

Am I getting this kind of?

1:04:55

Well, I mean, there are so many angles

1:04:58

on it. I mean, and like, there's lots

1:05:00

of different like descriptions of why or what

1:05:03

it is or, you know, Christian mysticism, you

1:05:05

could find this

1:05:05

idea. I'm talking about the TikTok version. That's

1:05:07

the one I know. What's this? So

1:05:10

you tell me your version. And that's all I know. Sorry,

1:05:12

that's what I'm saying is like, we all take part in

1:05:15

whatever consciousness. What do you think? We're

1:05:17

all a piece of it. Yeah, but the idea

1:05:19

that we, do we have memory of the past? That's

1:05:22

what you're saying that we have some kind of unconscious memory

1:05:25

of the past? Yeah, I mean, there's, this

1:05:27

stuff has been documented in non-woo-wee

1:05:30

ways. I think what is it called? Many lives, many masters.

1:05:32

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I remember that. You can,

1:05:35

you know, if you wanna go pure, boring

1:05:37

as scientific materialist, you could look at like

1:05:40

the research in epigenetics, which is

1:05:42

the sort of biological explanation

1:05:45

of reincarnation, which is like you have encoded

1:05:47

in us some kind of shit from our like,

1:05:50

did potentially distant ancestors

1:05:53

that somehow locked in there that like,

1:05:55

so, you know, you think you have

1:05:57

trauma because of something that happened

1:05:59

to you. It could be ancestral trauma

1:06:02

from your great grandfather locked in there. So

1:06:04

yeah, I think when you're witnessing the tantrum That's what

1:06:06

you're seeing is just like the ancestors

1:06:08

screaming. You don't know what happened to them. It's just

1:06:11

blowing out of them

1:06:14

Also, you should be more careful about you open

1:06:16

popsicles, you know, do you not love your kids

1:06:19

I put on white gloves I

1:06:21

Put on white gloves and and

1:06:23

and I have a special table and at 815 I

1:06:26

pull my popsicles out arrange

1:06:28

them on the table all the colors

1:06:30

I flatten out the plastic because

1:06:32

they do not like to have

1:06:34

crumpled plastic and then no using

1:06:36

an exacto knife Which is the same knife

1:06:39

that I use to chop up the lines

1:06:41

of methamphetamine I snore it when I wake up

1:06:43

in the morning. I generally slice

1:06:45

the plastic out and then I

1:06:48

offer Yeah, the popsicle to

1:06:51

my children. I don't hand it to them.

1:06:53

Don't you dare them take the popsicle? Yeah,

1:06:57

are your kids fighting you among the infighting?

1:06:59

Yeah, that's a whole thing. Yeah, totally

1:07:01

I mean I fight in learning how

1:07:03

to like you you can't

1:07:06

you need to step in sometimes Yeah, but

1:07:08

sometimes you can't step in they got to work it out

1:07:10

for sure And I've got you know, like

1:07:13

I have a big brother and like I I

1:07:15

want

1:07:17

My kids to not feel like they're competing

1:07:19

with each other I want don't want them to feel like there's

1:07:21

a golden child or this

1:07:23

kid is better than that kid Which can I think accidentally

1:07:26

happen? You know what I mean? So I try

1:07:28

I try to like keep everything pretty

1:07:31

Balanced but then also it's like they do

1:07:33

need to learn to share like you can't be

1:07:35

a Fascist and force them

1:07:38

to share every time like

1:07:40

you have to let them work it out to for

1:07:42

sure Well for sure

1:07:44

or even like something that just belongs

1:07:46

to one kid It's like dude some shit's just gonna

1:07:48

be for that kid You know I'm saying like if

1:07:51

you won that at the arcade from

1:07:53

your hard labor of earning tickets

1:07:55

or whatever Like I'm not gonna fucking make you

1:07:58

share that with your shitty brother who did not

1:07:59

to even fucking earn those tickets playing skeevo.

1:08:02

You know what I mean? It hurts because you see the little one

1:08:04

and their feet legs are hurt. You don't

1:08:07

want their feet legs to be hurt because you're like,

1:08:09

I know what that feels like. I was the

1:08:11

little one too

1:08:12

and I wanted a thing. And you

1:08:15

know, so it's bad. You know, and also

1:08:17

it's like, God, like,

1:08:19

you know, you can accidentally get coercive,

1:08:21

you know? And I like, I don't

1:08:23

remember, I think it's David Graber, maybe

1:08:25

I can't remember. The philosopher was talking about how, you

1:08:29

know, what's better? You

1:08:33

tell your kid, hey,

1:08:35

you're coming to your grandmother's house. And

1:08:37

the kid says, I don't wanna go. And you say, well,

1:08:39

tough shit. You're going to your grandmother's house. Or

1:08:44

you're going to your grandmother's, you say, do you wanna go to

1:08:46

your grandmother's house? And the kid says, no,

1:08:48

I don't wanna go to my grandmother's house.

1:08:51

And so then you go, okay, I

1:08:54

guess, your

1:08:57

grandmother who loves you so

1:08:59

much will not get to see you

1:09:01

today. You know what I mean? And

1:09:03

then so you, exact

1:09:06

from them the right response and pretend

1:09:08

they made a choice.

1:09:09

I hate that. Yeah,

1:09:11

and I've, you know, I found myself doing that the

1:09:13

other day and realized like, oh my fucking God,

1:09:15

I'm doing the thing. I'm using like coercive

1:09:18

manipulation

1:09:18

to get the kid to

1:09:20

when I should have just been a tyrant. Yeah,

1:09:22

yeah, yeah, I just be like, so, you know, yeah, I just be

1:09:24

like, yeah, I don't wanna go either. Let's go. Yeah,

1:09:27

exactly. That's what I do. I don't wanna do this either.

1:09:29

By the way, I feel like I have to say this. Let's just go.

1:09:31

They love their grandmother and they love going to

1:09:33

her house. I don't, I would be

1:09:36

mortified if she saw this.

1:09:39

She got, they have a wonderful grandmother. You

1:09:41

never know. She won't. She's pretty

1:09:43

tuned in. Yeah, my

1:09:45

grandmother, I never forget, this

1:09:48

is like one of those memories,

1:09:49

fucking, my cousin Shoddy was over

1:09:52

one time and I

1:09:54

don't know, like we didn't wanna do some shit that my grandma

1:09:56

wanted us to do.

1:09:57

And she threw herself on my bed. and

1:10:00

started to fake cry to manipulate.

1:10:02

And I remember Shawty was younger than me and

1:10:05

she was like, oh no, grandma, it's okay.

1:10:07

And I go, no, don't fall for it,

1:10:09

it's a ploy. I'm

1:10:12

like, she's manipulating you because my mother

1:10:14

would do shit like that to me. And I was

1:10:16

like, don't fall for this Hungarian lady ploy.

1:10:19

They're just manipulating you. Yeah,

1:10:21

that's right. And they're teaching you to manipulate.

1:10:24

They're teaching you to like use

1:10:26

these like sneaky methods

1:10:29

of dealing with people around you. And we all

1:10:32

do it. It's just like, God, it's just, there's

1:10:34

so much complexity and parroting in so

1:10:36

many places where like, even though you've read

1:10:39

about how not, that you shouldn't do that. Oh, you're gonna do

1:10:42

it anyway. You're gonna do some fucking form of it.

1:10:44

That smells really good, by the way. I'm sorry,

1:10:46

I'm blowing it all over here. It's

1:10:48

tobacco with- Viagra,

1:10:50

so this is, this

1:10:52

is- I'm taking tea? Yeah,

1:10:56

no, this is incredible. They finally figured

1:10:58

out a way to vaporize

1:11:00

Viagra, which is like, we've all been looking at

1:11:02

the holy grail. Well, yeah, who needs to cure cancer

1:11:05

when you can just vape Viagra? I'm sure you're

1:11:07

pumped about that with your testicular

1:11:09

cancer. Now you're like,

1:11:11

I'd rather vape

1:11:12

Viagra than have a cure for stuff. Take

1:11:14

that out. I don't wanna remind people you had cancer, sorry.

1:11:17

I was depressing. Take that out. No, you have to take

1:11:19

that out. You're so kind. You know what? I

1:11:22

tried to make it, I'm too fried. Let me know. You can

1:11:23

take it out if you want, if you feel bad, but I will tell you this.

1:11:26

As a testicular cancer survivor,

1:11:29

I have had, no,

1:11:32

you shouldn't be. And I think it's like, honestly,

1:11:35

listen, I think everybody,

1:11:38

nobody should feel ashamed of

1:11:41

what's going on with their balls. People need to know,

1:11:43

check your balls, guys.

1:11:45

Check your balls. And most testicular

1:11:47

cancer survivors are like, look, check your fucking

1:11:49

balls. And check your

1:11:52

balls. Don't ignore it. If one of the swells

1:11:54

up, don't ignore that shit. It sucks more

1:11:56

than likely. Everything's gonna be fine. Check

1:11:59

your balls. I don't care, like when I

1:12:01

post shit online, like with

1:12:03

my pregnant wife and people are like, that one

1:12:05

nut is working overtime.

1:12:08

It doesn't bother me. It used

1:12:10

to bother me a little bit, but now it doesn't bother me. I know

1:12:13

like if like a woman survived

1:12:15

breast cancer was actually more

1:12:17

serious and testicular cancer, which is just

1:12:19

one of the, like if you're gonna choose cancers, that's

1:12:23

one you might wanna pick compared to breast cancer. But

1:12:25

if you see a woman who's had a mastectomy, breastfeeding,

1:12:28

you're not like, whoa, look at that tit.

1:12:31

Working on bacon

1:12:33

milk. Nice job with your

1:12:36

wah boobie. But

1:12:39

people forget it, but it doesn't. The internet's

1:12:41

such a good place. But you know what? It's

1:12:43

so amazing. I don't mind, cause like I

1:12:46

do want people like to know, you

1:12:48

know, you gotta back up ball. You gotta back

1:12:50

up ball. They're important. We have to, you

1:12:53

gotta back up. And that means go to the fucking

1:12:55

doctor. Dude, that's so wild.

1:12:59

Did you ever think that

1:13:01

you'd make three children with that one

1:13:03

nut? No. That's wild. I

1:13:05

mean, and they don't act like

1:13:07

you will. Like when you go in there, they're like, and

1:13:09

they're like, we're good. You know,

1:13:11

they put essentially like a lead cod piece.

1:13:14

Like

1:13:17

they put this lead thing over

1:13:19

your balls and dick to protect

1:13:21

you from the rate, if you get radiation to protect you

1:13:23

from that. And also they're

1:13:26

like, when you're getting the surgery, they're

1:13:29

like, yeah, you have to go, you have to go store

1:13:31

your jizz. Cause they're like,

1:13:33

if you were happy. You couldn't make any after this. Any sense

1:13:36

that you want to make kids, you need to go

1:13:38

get a backup, come.

1:13:40

You gotta back your come up. You gotta freeze your come. And

1:13:43

that is the worst masturbation

1:13:46

session you will ever have in your

1:13:48

life. The saddest one where they're like, you have

1:13:50

cancer. You're jerking off in

1:13:53

case you can no longer make come.

1:13:55

That's terrible. And a weird like facility

1:13:58

that

1:13:58

you'd never thought you'd go to that you. made fun

1:14:00

of in the past. Like you would think about, oh yeah, dudes

1:14:02

go in there and jerk off into a cup

1:14:05

and look at porn. Ah, then suddenly

1:14:07

you're one of those dudes

1:14:08

looking at shitty porn, way worse than looking

1:14:10

at your dad's porn. Oh,

1:14:13

what is worse porn? That's an interesting question.

1:14:15

Your dad's porn or? Como receptacle.

1:14:17

Cancer porn

1:14:19

is not the best point. So you gotta

1:14:21

like, you're like, okay, well I'm

1:14:23

gonna have one of my balls chopped off next

1:14:25

week. So let's see what we're gonna

1:14:27

jerk off to. Feat, feet, porn

1:14:30

or anal. You know what I mean? Like how do

1:14:32

you feed me a pig? I know Tom

1:14:34

had to jizz into a cup because I did IVF for

1:14:36

my second, or second baby. And he's

1:14:38

like, the nurse was, he

1:14:41

tried to make jokes with the nurse and they were just, she

1:14:43

was not having it. I've heard them all. It's so depressing.

1:14:46

But they should have like hot nurses. Don't you

1:14:48

think? Like it should be a whole vibe when you're

1:14:50

doing that. It's a really, it is a fucking

1:14:52

weird thing to go into a sterile environment

1:14:54

and jizz

1:14:56

and you have to get aroused. They should

1:14:58

make it arousing. You should

1:15:00

be able to pay extra and have it be arousing all

1:15:03

around. They can't, you know why they can't? Why can't they fucking

1:15:05

do that? They can't do that. Why? Because

1:15:07

then the people who legitimately

1:15:08

need to go in there and save their cum

1:15:10

would have to wait seven months for all

1:15:12

the dudes who just wanna get jerked off. And they're

1:15:14

like, how much is it $100? Pfft.

1:15:17

Ha

1:15:18

ha ha ha, you never get

1:15:20

in. There's gonna be a wait list

1:15:22

for that. Forever. I know. They

1:15:25

would have dumpsters out back full of cum

1:15:27

receptacles as the guys leave

1:15:29

and are like, eh, just throw it away. I

1:15:31

don't wanna save that shit. I just

1:15:34

wanted a hand job, thank you. I'll be

1:15:36

back tomorrow. Do you have any availabilities

1:15:37

tomorrow? Yeah, they can't. But

1:15:40

there are so many medical experiences

1:15:42

they could make fucking nicer

1:15:44

or just more inviting. Like, you know.

1:15:47

I know. God damn. They figured it

1:15:49

out with massage. How come they haven't figured it out with like removing

1:15:51

an appendix? Right, or getting your mammogram

1:15:54

done. Like, it's always gotta be some unattractive

1:15:56

fat. So grabs my tits and puts

1:15:58

it in the squisher leg.

1:15:59

Why can't it be an attractive young Puerto

1:16:02

Rican male with 23 year old guy?

1:16:04

There's text out there that are yeah 23 hot euro

1:16:07

Hot Puerto Ricans that they can do my mammogram.

1:16:10

I think you just solve the health crisis Like

1:16:13

if a hand job was at the end of a checkup.

1:16:15

Yeah, we would all

1:16:19

Everyone

1:16:23

in shape everyone healthy everyone

1:16:26

like excited to schedule their next checkup.

1:16:28

They're calling Oscar Pete Wake up

1:16:30

to a hand job. Oh my god. Everybody would

1:16:33

do it. You figured it out. This is the

1:16:35

answer

1:16:35

my god Are you kidding? I would be like

1:16:38

signing up Yeah, you have your colonoscopy

1:16:41

booked every year, you know, and

1:16:43

I kind of feel like I should go in for another colonoscopy

1:16:47

I know I just had one yesterday, but you know,

1:16:49

I just want to make sure they got everything But

1:16:54

it was Like your

1:16:56

wife would keep going yeah, yeah,

1:16:59

really going to get another checkup, huh?

1:17:02

Wow, this one this week, but but it would

1:17:04

go for the women too Like I said, like your mammogram

1:17:06

would be way better your pap smear, you know

1:17:09

Those are I don't know if you can make those better. That is just

1:17:11

a horrendous. How about at least make it

1:17:13

dark in there? How about that?

1:17:16

Can you just at least make mood lighting

1:17:18

for a fucking pap smear like

1:17:20

at least make the room nice? What?

1:17:23

So you name it?

1:17:25

Right. The name is disgusting here.

1:17:28

What you have a medical procedure with smear

1:17:30

I know what should they call it like

1:17:32

of

1:17:33

a fiddle D check or a fun time

1:17:37

Anything anything licorice whip just

1:17:39

something that's no licorice whip. Yeah,

1:17:41

get your licorice whipped go in for a licorice whip

1:17:43

At least then

1:17:44

you're not going in for something. This sounds like something

1:17:46

they put on bagels in hell You

1:17:50

want a pap smear

1:17:52

on your human flesh bagel? Disgusting

1:17:57

it's disgusting specular

1:18:00

Speculum is disgusting. It's all disgusting.

1:18:02

Speculum? It's called the speculum where

1:18:04

they put, they insert, it used to be metal

1:18:07

and now they finally wrap their stupid

1:18:09

dodo brains and they make it plastic. So it's not

1:18:11

cold. And this device has been

1:18:13

around since like the fucking 1500s. I

1:18:16

have an important. I have a porn with this in it. Yeah, it's the

1:18:18

sky. I hate that porn. Yeah. So

1:18:20

they put this in your meow and then they open it up.

1:18:23

They lock it up. They lock it open.

1:18:25

And that's how the doctor comes in and takes

1:18:28

a schmear of your bagel.

1:18:29

This is how you could tell. It's

1:18:31

disgusting. That in

1:18:34

the past, it was dudes

1:18:36

running. Yeah. Like that's the guy came up

1:18:39

with that. Of course. Like, well just shove a thing in there,

1:18:41

open it up. I was just watching a duck.

1:18:44

Yeah. And I was thinking, what

1:18:46

if I shoved that duck bill in

1:18:48

someone's pussy and could figure

1:18:50

out a way to get the duck to keep his mouth open? A

1:18:55

hundred percent. A hundred percent

1:18:57

how. I mean, it looks like a dick. Everything

1:19:00

looks like dicks, rockets, buildings,

1:19:02

airplanes and speculations.

1:19:04

Do you get into that stuff? The Freudian idea that it's

1:19:06

like all dicks. Everything's dicks

1:19:08

and pussies. This is why we exist. Everything

1:19:11

is unconsciously dicks and pussies. Okay.

1:19:14

Of course.

1:19:14

So can we, I don't know how much, how long this podcast goes

1:19:16

by. I think it's important to note something that

1:19:19

just happened culturally, which is really interesting to me.

1:19:21

Go ahead.

1:19:22

Elon Musk and Zuckerberg,

1:19:25

literally. Aliens, both aliens by the

1:19:28

way. Both aliens, but they got an argument

1:19:30

about how big their dicks are. No. Yes.

1:19:33

I'm pretty sure if I'm saying this, I might be wrong about

1:19:35

this, but

1:19:37

Musk, didn't Musk and like Bezos

1:19:39

both have this weird rocket ship thing,

1:19:42

which was literally like they were

1:19:45

rushing to see whose dick could

1:19:47

get into space first. Like,

1:19:51

you know what I mean? As someone who studied psychology

1:19:53

in school and you're watching, it's like my fucking

1:19:55

God. It's like, it's got, this

1:19:57

is a dick. Literally.

1:19:59

to impregnate the void. To fuck the sky. Yeah,

1:20:02

to fuck the space. Who

1:20:06

fucks the sky first? They put William

1:20:08

Shatner in the tip of a dick and

1:20:10

gave him like six

1:20:11

seconds to look at the earth and fly

1:20:14

back down. He's in a billionaire's dick. Very

1:20:16

weird. It's interesting you say that because Elon, even in

1:20:19

that Netflix documentary about SpaceX,

1:20:21

he

1:20:22

says, or I don't know if it was in that or some other

1:20:24

clip, I wanted

1:20:26

this rocket ship to look like a big

1:20:29

dick in the sky. He literally,

1:20:31

he has a good sense of humor. At least he admits

1:20:33

it. I think that's fantastic. Just admit

1:20:35

it. Once you admit

1:20:36

it, it's fine. Like admit you want your spaceship

1:20:39

to look like a giant dick. Yeah, I

1:20:41

love that. Penetrating the void. I love

1:20:43

it. Impregnating it with humanity. I love it. I

1:20:45

love dicks. I love pussies. I

1:20:48

don't, the speculum thing I do, every time

1:20:50

I go to get my pampering, I'm like, they haven't figured out

1:20:52

a better way for this. It has to be. This

1:20:54

is stupidity. This is so intrusive

1:20:56

and terrible.

1:20:57

Yeah, it's- I feel upset about the fucking speculum.

1:21:00

It's fucked up. It doesn't sound good.

1:21:02

It doesn't have to be a better way. None of it sounds good.

1:21:05

Speculum, pap smear. It just sounds

1:21:07

like a horrible menu

1:21:09

at a dark restaurant.

1:21:10

It's too dark and they have to open you up so

1:21:12

wide. Like, can't you just open it up like a smidge?

1:21:17

A smidge, not in the fucking. No,

1:21:20

you gotta crank it up. You gotta open

1:21:22

it up all the way. It's terrible. It treats you like

1:21:24

an animal, especially when you're pregnant too. Like you're a poor

1:21:27

lady. I remember when they check you when you're a

1:21:29

labor, some doctor, check

1:21:31

you. And it's like, aha, like it just

1:21:34

feels like needles because you've like your hormones

1:21:36

are. I don't get it. It's terrible. I

1:21:38

don't get it. It's terrible.

1:21:39

I don't get it at all. I don't understand why Western

1:21:41

medicine hasn't figured out like the psychological

1:21:43

component of getting checked

1:21:46

out. Like why do

1:21:46

they need to make everything so severe

1:21:49

and alien and like completely

1:21:51

emotionless? And it's like you

1:21:53

do, you feel like a robot or something

1:21:56

when you go in there. They're just so emotionless

1:21:58

and in a hurry. And also.

1:21:59

You know, like not

1:22:02

to bring it back to Apple, but

1:22:05

as a server, one

1:22:07

of your jobs is to try

1:22:09

to sell more shit. Sure, if they upsell.

1:22:12

You have meetings when they have a chart with who

1:22:14

sold the most shit. So you upsell.

1:22:17

In Western medicine, they gotta upsell you. So

1:22:20

they will suggest, they will

1:22:22

emotionally manipulate you into

1:22:24

scans you don't need, shit you don't need

1:22:27

because

1:22:27

there is like a cash

1:22:29

incentive behind that. Of course. And I'm pretty sure

1:22:31

that people working in these clinics, I'm sure there's some

1:22:33

record of how much money they made.

1:22:36

And it's like, did you talk them into

1:22:39

the golden speculum?

1:22:43

The designer speculum, the Gucci speculum?

1:22:46

If they made a Chanel one, really? Yeah, I think that

1:22:48

one. Why not? Why

1:22:50

not? At least have a nice Chanel

1:22:52

speculum. Why can't they make a speculum soft even?

1:22:56

They've made dildos that can operate

1:22:58

remotely, right? Aren't there dildos that

1:23:00

can fucking sing songs and

1:23:03

rabbits and beads

1:23:05

and they've got everything and they can't figure

1:23:07

out a fucking speculum.

1:23:08

They still have something that looks like it was fabricated

1:23:10

by someone in prison. Gonna

1:23:14

whip up a speculum. You got

1:23:16

some old aluminum scraps from the cafeteria.

1:23:19

Oh, this is gonna be a good speculum. You better

1:23:21

watch out, I'm gonna widen that ass.

1:23:26

Fucked up, man, we gotta work on that.

1:23:28

We gotta work on that. Oh, I love you so much. Listen,

1:23:31

we gotta go. We gotta go home. I thank you so

1:23:33

much for coming here. I can't wait to

1:23:35

do your podcast. Can't wait.

1:23:37

Yeah, just we'll figure out.

1:23:39

Next week if you have time, whenever. I'll make time

1:23:41

for you. It's remote, you don't even have to go anywhere. I love

1:23:43

you.

1:23:44

We will go deep into the aliens.

1:23:46

Ugh, I'm so fucking proud,

1:23:48

man. You're the best, I love you. Thank

1:23:51

you so much for any time y'all need. You

1:23:53

know, I live just down the street. I don't need somebody,

1:23:55

I'll be here. I love you, Duncan. Raytheon,

1:23:58

what else are you plugging? Oh yeah, thank you. Yeah, by

1:24:00

the way, yeah, you know,

1:24:02

there has never been a better time to work for

1:24:05

Raytheon. I just

1:24:07

wanna point this out, like some shit floated

1:24:09

on the internet. Listen,

1:24:12

in any factory, there's accidents.

1:24:15

Our robots have been

1:24:17

completely reprogrammed. They are

1:24:20

no longer attacking the

1:24:23

scientists

1:24:23

testing them. Please check out Raytheon and

1:24:26

consider like joining the Raytheon, becoming

1:24:28

a member of the Raytheon team. And

1:24:31

I got a lot of dates coming up, everybody. I'm

1:24:33

gonna be at Cobb's.

1:24:36

Oh, I love Cobb's, say what's up to Molly.

1:24:38

Yeah, I love that place. Where

1:24:40

are you going? I gotta look, it's so bad,

1:24:43

I have to look. Okay, I have something I want you to give Molly.

1:24:45

Oh, okay. I bought her a gift a million years

1:24:48

ago and like, okay, sorry, I didn't know I should do. I'm happy to, yeah. Cobb's.

1:24:50

Cobb's

1:24:51

and like lots of other places, they're all gonna be at

1:24:53

DuncanTrussell.com, but this is not

1:24:55

gonna happen for a while because we're doing a

1:24:57

baby right now, but come

1:25:00

September, I'm back out on the road. So by the

1:25:02

time this comes out, just go to DuncanTrussell.com

1:25:05

and you can find all my dates and I would be so honored

1:25:07

if you would come see me perform.

1:25:09

And what's your podcast called? It's

1:25:11

called the Raytheon Experience.

1:25:15

Duncan Trussell Experience? No, it's just

1:25:17

we. Are we doing, is it the same one? Duncan Trussell

1:25:19

Family Hour. Yeah, that's right.

1:25:22

Anyway, see Duncan Trussell live, listen

1:25:24

to his podcast, worship him as your

1:25:26

guru. I love you so much, Duncan. Thank

1:25:28

you for being here. Thank

1:25:29

you so much. We're so glad we're friends. I know. Bye

1:25:32

guys. Until next time, stay cool moms.

1:25:34

Bye moms. Where my moms, where my moms, where my

1:25:36

moms at? Where my moms wearing

1:25:38

thongs, hitting bongs at? Raising kids,

1:25:40

cleaning shits, need a long nap. Where

1:25:43

my moms, where my moms, where my moms at? Where

1:25:45

my moms at podcast. With

1:25:49

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