0:00

Ready in Ghemesh. Avba,

0:02

Shalosh. Steim.

0:24

So much good stuff for you today. Let

0:27

me plug some dates, you guys. I

0:29

am touring very limited now

0:31

in the next coming year, 2024. I'm

0:34

doing the Neptune Theater in Seattle.

0:37

That one's literally got like 10 tickets left

0:39

on it, February 17th. The next day, Palace

0:41

of Fine Arts in San Francisco, March

0:43

23rd. The Gramercy in Jude York

0:45

Tiddies. This is where I filmed

0:47

my second special. This

0:49

is Mom Jean. So come see me do a whole new

0:51

hour there. And then Ridgefield Playhouse in

0:54

Ridgefield, come, Nettacont, March 24th. By

0:56

my lipstick, I've got new colors coming

0:59

very soon. This will be one of them. Big

1:02

announcement. This is my everyday color

1:05

because like I just wanted to grow this brand

1:07

out. And I'm in love with these and I'll

1:09

be slowly releasing.

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Stork, a revolutionary baby monitor

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2:42

But with me today, I'm fucking,

2:45

you know me, I love TikTok. I

2:48

think TikTok is just the future of the world

2:50

and with me is Maddie Goetz who is the

2:52

fucking best.

2:53

Thank you.

2:55

Hello everybody. I love you. I feel

2:57

like you're the daughter I should have had. Stop.

3:00

You're my daughter. That's like an honor.

3:02

You're my mama. I love it. So you're

3:05

from Chicago. Yeah, Chicago.

3:07

So for those of you who don't know, let's play one of her

3:09

TikToks because I found, I discovered

3:12

you. You're so wild.

3:14

You're like, today I'm gonna eat the world's biggest

3:16

grilled cheese sandwich. I'm gonna dip it in pudding

3:19

and then I'm gonna wrap it in barbecue sauce like

3:21

a burrito. Watch me eat it and I'm like, this chick is out

3:24

of her fucking mind. It's a little crazy.

3:26

It's real. It's all real. Nothing's

3:29

not real. Everything's real. So let's play one

3:31

of her talks so you guys can become familiar.

3:33

Oh yeah, put on your headphones

3:35

for this one baby. So you

3:37

guys know what I'm talking about because...

3:40

Why do I see... PSA, if you're not pouring

3:42

your entire bag of piss onto your Jimmy John's sandwich

3:44

or any sub... You're

3:48

a maniac. You're a maniac

3:49

Maddie. Your mom's a hoe. You're

3:54

a fucking animal. How did you...

3:56

What are you? Who are you? How are you like this? I

3:59

don't know. I had... I have two older brothers

4:01

that are pretty insane. Like,

4:04

I never had the easy sister

4:06

life growing up. I had two big

4:09

brothers that were always just shitting on

4:11

me, messing with me, everything.

4:13

So I came a little harder, you know? But

4:17

the food thing, I'm just a foodie through

4:19

and through. Like, I love food

4:21

so much. So

4:24

you were a foodie, but you like, then

4:27

how do you come up with these concoctions? Did you come up

4:29

with the most creative things?

4:32

So growing up, I just wanted the

4:34

best out of my meal. Like, every meal,

4:37

to me, is like the best thing ever. So I had

4:39

to figure out the way to make it

4:42

the best thing. So I would like, pick

4:44

apart my bread, add chips, and people

4:46

would always be like, why are you such a freak? Like,

4:48

what are you doing? That's so gross. And I'd be like, stop,

4:51

stop. And then finally, when I filmed

4:53

it and put it on TikTok, people are like, oh

4:56

my God, she's nuts. Or

4:58

I do that to you, or whatever, and then you're

5:00

both. Yeah, because I like

5:02

this idea that every meal should be awesome.

5:05

I agree with you because when I have a shitty

5:07

meal, I'll be like, I want a do-over. They

5:09

ruin her. Yeah, I'm so fucking mad

5:11

that I ate it, that I really wish I had

5:13

bulimia so I could vomit and then start

5:16

over again. It's so upsetting.

5:18

No, it makes me want to cry. But

5:21

what I love more about you than the

5:23

food videos is just who you are

5:25

because I find that in a generation that's

5:28

all about being hot and

5:30

showing your pussy to get likes,

5:33

you're just this rad girl. And

5:36

you have a personality and you're a whole person.

5:39

And I think it took the abuse of your brother. Yeah,

5:41

I think it took that too. No,

5:43

I literally attributed it all to that. The

5:46

insanity that I witnessed growing up in

5:48

the house that I'm just like, I don't

5:50

give a fuck. Nothing's worse than

5:52

someone who takes themselves so seriously. I

5:54

agree. That is genuinely just the worst

5:57

attribute. You've got to just be like, what the

5:59

fuck? Who cares? Because you're gonna die anyway and

6:01

no one gives a fuck about it. Anyway. Yeah

6:04

and like Yeah, cuz you remind me so much

6:06

of girls I grew up going so much one all girls

6:08

high school and without the

6:11

influence of the male gaze or whatever

6:13

You're just a wild dog. You can just be

6:16

free. Yeah, and I love that

6:18

pretty crazy It's

6:21

like it's not even weird to me though until I

6:23

see the reaction of others Yeah Like I'm

6:25

walking with my boyfriend's dad and brother the other day

6:27

and I just let out like a massive belt

6:30

and they're both Just like looking at each other. I'm like what they're

6:32

just like what was that like that

6:34

was disgusting We're in public. I'm like, oh my

6:36

god. I didn't even realize it came out of my mouth I

6:39

mean, I can't I didn't even second

6:41

nature. I'm like a burp. Yeah, come on

6:43

you fucking pussy Yeah, you cry babies

6:45

plus you're hot. I think that helps right guys that she's

6:47

attractive She can pretty much fart and burp anywhere

6:50

and but you don't lean in near looks

6:52

like it's not the first thing that you

6:55

Present with

6:56

and I think that's so like it's such a

6:58

novelty in like I said Gen Z

7:00

where everybody's

7:01

showing their pussies online

7:03

Hey, can we see another talk? Let's see another

7:05

one over eating because I watch her all

7:08

day and I'm always amused and I'm like

7:10

you better enjoy the shit now You're trying the crumble

7:12

cookies of the week. Okay guys, this

7:14

one's the one I'm most excited about I've never seen a

7:16

crumble like this. I don't know. Maybe there were in

7:19

the past but it's waffle

7:25

Okay, so

7:28

you pour it on Guys

7:32

look at that

7:35

Legit 10

7:40

out of 10. That was the best thing I've ever laid my mouth on

7:43

next

7:43

up right ice cream. I'm an ice cream Oh,

7:46

yeah

7:49

Where are you then in check this in a

7:51

park in Chicago by the lake? Oh

7:53

my god Place

7:56

on the top literal 9.8 out of 10. I

7:59

never rate. Why just the point I

8:01

can't give it a 10 unless it's like a crew. Oh I'm

8:05

going 8.8 Chocolate cookies

8:07

in the best part of this by the way, you

8:09

guys seem phony but 9.0

8:10

You you're eating a dozen

8:13

of these crazy cookies and you're filming yourself

8:15

in a park Yeah, does nobody see

8:18

you or people look people stare

8:20

people stare It's a hard adjustment

8:23

for people around me Like if I'm out to dinner with some of

8:25

my friends or whatever and I'm just like yeah

8:27

guys you guys I'm like They're like no,

8:29

no, I'm like put the phone on

8:30

put the phone. We need the video

8:32

to be good So we're in like a tiny little

8:34

restaurant flashes on I'm like, can

8:36

you also throw a fry at my face mid video?

8:39

So it like gives a little do you really don't

8:41

care? How are you this fearless?

8:43

I don't know.

8:44

I don't know what it is. I

8:46

Mean maybe sometimes

8:48

I do care. I'm trying to think like it's not

8:50

all the time. No You

8:52

can't be like that all the time. I mean, maybe is

8:54

anything embarrass you what would embarrass

8:57

you? Like

8:59

I'm really trying to break my brain seriously,

9:02

what what would embarrass me? like

9:04

maybe if I was like

9:06

No, I

9:07

don't know like it's like my pity fell

9:09

out on this right now or something Like

9:12

it just like came out outside of my shirt and that's

9:14

it like a like something like that or it's like

9:17

You're

9:17

not like yeah, but so what you're

9:19

looking that you don't have a weight problem.

9:21

Yeah. Yeah Yeah, I get that

9:23

all the time. You have a good metabolism.

9:25

I have a that's yeah When

9:29

you're my age, you're not gonna be in a box of these

9:31

at

9:31

all. Yeah, that's what all the comments are Oh

9:33

really that video for example, I didn't eat

9:35

every cookie. No, you took a little nibble

9:38

Yeah, a little nibble on all the cookie. What's

9:40

the grossest combo

9:42

that you enjoy? Secretly

9:45

like what's the Maddie gets? There's

9:48

no tic-tac involved. It's your

9:51

growth. It's a girl meal is what's her name

9:53

Elizabeth.

9:53

What's her name? What does with Frank? Oh, what's her name?

9:56

She's one housewife. Yeah, she

9:58

does her girl

9:59

dinners. I'd take

9:59

Yeah, um something

10:02

that I do love Bethany Frankl. Sorry. Oh,

10:04

yeah. Yeah. What's your grossest? One

10:07

that I love to tell I can't remember if I've

10:09

put this on social media But baked

10:11

beans like your your grocery

10:13

store can of baked beans with cheese It's like sprinkled

10:16

up on top like that's like my ideal dinner.

10:18

I can't I genuinely can't think of anything better than

10:20

that So good,

10:22

but I could see why good cuz it's cheesy

10:25

and it's salty on top of the sweetness

10:27

of the baked beans Mm-hmm. You need the crunch.

10:30

You always got the crunch. I can't wait to see

10:32

you when you're 50 and you're morbidly obese It's

10:34

like late on the car. Give me my cookies

10:38

Today's episode So

10:41

what so people the comments mostly

10:43

are like you're lucky and behind metabolism

10:44

You should be super fat.

10:47

Like what do what a whole fade you Instagram?

10:50

I don't know if you've noticed this posting like I feel

10:52

like my Instagram haters are like like

10:54

no other no other platform

10:56

Will destroy my like

10:59

Instagram. Yeah, like it's genuinely

11:01

insane. Yeah, but it'll

11:03

be like See that

11:05

double chin the food's definitely kicking

11:07

in or just like like but it's like it's

11:10

hilarious Like it's I don't think

11:12

it's offensive. Yeah. Yeah Like I've never

11:15

really been affected by the comments because it's just

11:17

like really funny I'll get a DM like

11:19

don't eat it like that. Like you freak.

11:22

I hate you. I hope you die No,

11:24

no, I know but like it's about eating like

11:27

cheese it's in baked beans. Yeah Made

11:29

a mess mental problem.

11:32

It's funny. Most the comments are like either

11:35

That's hilarious. Like you're so funny

11:38

or like I do that too. Like

11:40

I thought I was the only one that ate my Sandwich

11:43

with with chips in it or whatever it is Like

11:46

a lot of people actually relate to the crazy Oh,

11:48

I relate to you so much because I

11:50

think even last night we came

11:51

back from trick-or-treating This is filmed

11:54

in the past. Sorry guys time travel

11:55

and I'm like I

11:57

like to take English muffins and

12:00

then put disgusting spray butter on

12:02

them. Wow. I like the taste of cheap,

12:04

nasty spray butter. And then I'll

12:06

smear some cream cheese on that.

12:09

I like to throw together whatever is

12:11

in the. Oh, here's the grossest thing I do. Sometimes

12:14

I want pizza, but I don't want all the calories. And

12:16

I learned this when I was on Weight Watchers. You

12:18

take a tortilla, and you just put

12:21

pasta sauce on it, and then cheese, and then you

12:23

can put it in a pizza. It's depressing. I didn't say

12:25

it was interesting. But at least

12:27

that, you know, and then you pretend like you're eating pizza.

12:30

No, my mom is like super healthy, and she's like a tortilla

12:32

whore. Like she literally eats. Every

12:35

single thing we eat, she'll be like, I'm doing

12:37

mine in a tortilla. I have my low carb

12:39

tortilla here. Yeah. Yeah. Well, maybe

12:41

that's what you'll be doing in your 40s. Yeah. It's

12:43

like your low carb options, how

12:46

to be gross with your low carb. Yeah, exactly. So

12:48

you've brothers, and you guys started a podcast.

12:51

Yeah. Cool. So what is it about? It's

12:54

basically just like us shooting

12:56

the shit. If you think

12:58

I don't give a fuck, my brother

13:00

is literally the

13:02

most insane human on Earth.

13:05

He

13:06

doesn't give.

13:07

He will do anything, say anything.

13:10

Oh, I love that. He's just wild.

13:12

Now, how are you guys like this? Are your parents

13:15

super cool? Do they raise you to be fearless?

13:17

Yeah, my parents are pretty cool. They're

13:20

like, yeah, they're so cool. I mean, they're the best. But

13:22

they're just very chill. We

13:25

never really had a lot of rules in the house. But

13:28

I think that that's amazing, because now we're

13:30

all like best friends. We hang out with our parents

13:32

like every week. We all live in Chicago. Yeah,

13:35

because my oldest brother came out

13:37

like a madman. And he

13:40

got suspended from all his schools, did

13:43

crazy, crazy shit. In our

13:45

podcast, he just told a story about how he shit

13:47

on the ground and rubbed it on our neighbor's car. He's

13:49

like, my neighbors are in a fight, and they were

13:51

screaming at each other, so I just took a big shit on

13:54

the ground. And then I rubbed it on it, like things

13:56

like that that we've never even heard. He's like, yeah, I didn't tell

13:58

you guys that story. We're like, what? the hell?

14:01

So after they tried to tame him and

14:03

it wasn't successful, they

14:06

took a more lenient approach and then we

14:08

were all just chill and then my brother became

14:10

normal and it was just great. Wait,

14:13

so yeah, that's really interesting. So they chilled

14:15

out on him and then he became more normal.

14:18

Exactly. So he was rubbing up against

14:20

the rules, maybe? Yeah, he had a... Defiant?

14:23

Defiant, yeah. He couldn't listen to

14:26

teachers, parents, anything like that. And

14:29

then when they took a step back,

14:31

he was like, hey, I love you guys.

14:33

We're like, what? Who are you? So

14:35

when that was removed, there's nothing to

14:38

rub up against and now he's chilled

14:40

out. Yeah. That's really interesting because sometimes

14:43

with kids, they just want you to pay attention

14:45

to them. It's not even about the rule.

14:47

It's just like pay attention to me

14:49

so that I don't fucking

14:50

lose my mind. Maybe he just needed

14:53

the calmness and not being yelled

14:55

at. Yeah, totally. No, I think

14:57

he went to college too and realized,

15:00

damn, maybe my life was pretty normal

15:02

and I was just wild, seeing

15:04

all these other people from different places and

15:06

being like, oh, wait, everyone

15:09

was just trying to chill and I was just... Being

15:11

a dick. Yeah, exactly. Trying to ruin

15:13

people's lives. So that's one.

15:15

And then what's your other brother like?

15:17

Other brother is just

15:19

the chillest, very

15:22

shy, but he's hilarious,

15:24

but he's witty. My other brother and I are

15:27

like, fuck, Jim, diarrhea, screaming,

15:30

stupid shit. And he's

15:32

very quiet. When he does make a comment,

15:35

it's hilarious and it'll make you think...

15:37

He picks his moment. Yes, exactly.

15:39

He's like, it's funny because no one that

15:41

knows us three would think I'm funny

15:44

or crazy, but he's like, my coworkers are

15:46

like, you're the funniest guy ever. I'm like,

15:48

you should see me around my siblings. I'm like,

15:50

chill, which is hilarious. But

15:52

yeah. So I'm like a mix of the two.

15:54

I'm like a little less insane than the oldest

15:57

one, but more like him than

15:59

the middle. It's so cool. I do think

16:02

there is something to being influenced

16:04

by boys like because I'm

16:06

in a real male dominant field and

16:09

Jessica curse on was in here last week and

16:11

and I was like, oh did you do

16:13

the clubs here in Austin? And she's like, yeah, but

16:15

it's it's all dudes Yeah, I'm like, well,

16:18

yeah your comedy. Yeah, fuck you

16:20

don't remember it's all dudes But

16:23

I've always learned from them over the years

16:26

because there is something lovely to

16:28

men That the not

16:30

giving a fuckness. Yeah, there's this

16:32

great thing I always think about is that boys

16:34

have hobbies and girls have their boyfriends

16:37

and that's always struck me is so

16:40

true Like in high school, especially like like

16:42

there's skateboarders And then there's the girls that would

16:44

just go watch the skateboarders And I remember

16:46

like really early in life being like that

16:48

dynamic fucking suck. Yes I

16:50

want to be the one yeah, you're doing the thing.

16:52

Yeah, not just being an admirer It's

16:55

always pissed me off. Yeah type

16:58

of energy of like that Like I

17:00

could never yeah, I'm the same exact same

17:02

way. No, I know you want that's why you're eating

17:05

fucking hot dogs Yeah, Central Park

17:07

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slash WMA today. No

22:26

another one ever talks. Let's see her eating.

22:28

This is my, you're just my favorite. So

22:31

silly. Actually freaking

22:33

out. I've been chomping

22:35

on this cheese all day and my mom just told me that

22:37

my dad got it from my grandma from like Europe and

22:39

he just got home and I'm actually freaking out.

22:41

You're doing what? What are you eating?

22:45

I told you this is for you.

22:53

She's

22:57

the double.

22:58

So that was a

23:00

block of cheese. Yeah, but it

23:02

was, it was all fake. It was all for the hymns

23:05

to say, Oh, I got

23:07

that. Yeah. Cause that was the trending sound

23:09

on TikTok at the time. Oh right. So everyone thinks

23:11

I'm like about to get screamed at. And then I'm like, take

23:13

this out. And that takes like a few

23:15

takes, but like my dad loves he

23:18

loves to be on it. He wanted to make it

23:20

fun.

23:21

It's so fun. The immediacy of like

23:23

social media now and you can just make whatever

23:26

and people love that. I love the silliness

23:28

of that. Have you seen people, I've

23:30

seen people on TikTok now

23:32

just eating sticks of butter? Yes.

23:34

The carnivore. Yeah. What's up? It's

23:37

the craziest phenomena. Have you tried

23:39

that? No, but I'll watch them. I love

23:41

like that. It's like my entire feet, my

23:43

entire Instagram feed is like Mormons and carnivores.

23:46

Yeah. And then it thinks because that's

23:48

what I'm living for. I'm like, whoa,

23:52

it's like the craziest shit in the world. You live,

23:54

what, what are you learning about the Mormons? Tell me

23:56

the tea, all the, like I just, it's

23:59

like in an Ira. way I

24:01

like to watch how they are like it'll be like

24:03

I why I submit to my husband oh

24:06

yeah and it's like

24:08

dad is the one like he is

24:11

he leads the house and I just get

24:13

him and I'm loving them so that's

24:15

all I watch so that it just keeps feeding you more

24:17

they think I've lost a Mormon carnivore on my feet

24:19

yeah I like there's

24:22

this one Muslim woman I follow my TikTok

24:24

and she's like why you should open

24:26

your marriage to your husband he's

24:29

like she's like that one lady yeah she's

24:33

like I bring my husband

24:35

women all the time we

24:38

choose the women he gets and then for

24:40

months she's been posting these ridiculous videos and

24:42

now she finally posted the guy yeah

24:45

spoiler alert he ain't that special no

24:48

never he's sitting there just like eating nuts

24:51

and she's behind him she's like this is my husband

24:53

oh man I know I was just clicking you're talking

24:55

about yes I can't

24:57

take it

24:59

can you google it can

25:02

you mind looking for her it's a Muslim

25:03

can you search TikTok right now

25:06

she's like a Muslim woman I mean

25:08

I'd be wanting to just pause for a minute for you to search

25:10

her because the one and then she finally

25:12

shows the guy and you're like this is the

25:14

guy yeah this fucking nut

25:17

yeah he's so just so disinterested

25:19

in her she's a Muslim and she's

25:22

telling what women to open their

25:24

marriage and bring your husband

25:26

different women there she is that's her right you did

25:28

it right away good job Zolo you know Nadav

25:30

that's for fucking sure that

25:33

guy knows yeah I

25:35

mean just put any of them there

25:37

she is she's like if you want to be with my

25:39

husband

25:41

trust me the moment you accept this your

25:44

life's gonna change men need more

25:46

than one woman and men crave more

25:48

than one woman see the thing is

25:51

we don't want to say this to ourselves we

25:53

prefer to say I'm enough but it has nothing

25:55

to do with you no I know I

25:58

know

25:59

I'm kinda vibing with this advice. I

26:02

feel like the bond you have with your husband

26:04

will be more... Don't you get

26:05

it, Maddie? You

26:07

need to bring more work. Okay. I can't,

26:09

right? But it's like I feel so bad

26:11

in a way too. Like that I

26:13

like... that she's like... I

26:15

don't know. Like that that's the genuinely...

26:17

that's the thought process. That's her jam. Mm-hmm.

26:20

What?

26:21

Different strokes. But I like how like, by

26:23

the way, everyone's saying how

26:26

it's only men that need multiple

26:28

women. Like, bitch, you don't think women want

26:30

multiple men? You don't

26:33

think that I... I still have blood

26:35

in my veins. I look at dudes and you're like,

26:37

I would love to fuck other people. Yeah,

26:39

like go fuck his friends. Go fuck his

26:41

friends. Like,

26:42

what is this myth in society

26:44

that women are somehow... Like we

26:46

love being... it's not a struggle for women

26:49

to be monogamous at all. Yeah. I

26:51

don't know where this shit came from. No, it's sick.

26:53

Like, yeah, he needs to go bring his little squad. She should

26:55

fuck them all in and he'll bring them all home. Like, what

26:57

is it? Like, doesn't she like want that?

27:00

No, because she's a holy woman.

27:03

Yeah, she's saying that she's better than that. Is

27:05

that her doing stand-up? Like Gotham?

27:08

She is not punking all of us. Oh

27:10

my God. Had a baby.

27:11

That is her.

27:14

It's all a joke. Don't worry, I didn't bring

27:16

her to the club. She's waiting for me in my house. Maddie,

27:18

is she punking us? She... I think we're...

27:21

no, we're punk. You know what they tell you about having

27:23

a baby? Sleep when the baby sleeps.

27:26

You know what they don't tell you about having a baby? The baby

27:29

only sleeps when you're

27:30

driving. She's

27:33

not a Muslim, because she's doing the Muslim lady jokes. You

27:36

know, one time

27:36

you were driving for one hour and I got so concerned

27:39

I woke her up. Yeah, this is the most so boring. Please,

27:41

I'm killing myself.

27:43

Sleep when the baby... You don't have to be

27:45

funny like that anymore. There's cable. I

27:48

mean, not cable, there's the internet. You don't

27:50

have to be...

27:51

You don't have to be clean anymore. She

27:53

didn't prank us, right? Bro,

27:55

gosh. If we just go for it and talk

27:57

about it... Find out if this bitch...

27:59

yeah, I'm gonna...

27:59

I'm gonna be fucking pissed. I'm gonna cut this shit out. If

28:02

she's punking me. Cut

28:03

it, cut it out. But I've been following her for like

28:05

a year now, like y'all. I can't be

28:07

this passionate about

28:08

it in this head. Oh, but

28:09

there's multiple women that do it.

28:12

Like that do the same thing that are for sure

28:14

serious. Like even if she's not, she

28:17

has a crowd. I follow the

28:20

swingers, the polyamorous

28:22

people. There's like this one woman that's got really long

28:24

hair. I don't know if you follow her. Yeah, I do. I

28:27

don't follow them, but I follow

28:29

like them. Same thing. And

28:31

she's like, of course I don't mind if my

28:34

husband has sex with other people when you're

28:36

like, yes, totally normal. You should feel really good about

28:38

that. Crazy bitch. I

28:40

mean, you have a boyfriend. How long

28:42

have you guys been together? Two and a half years.

28:44

Yeah, that's adorable. You're

28:47

just a little puppy in the world. Yeah, I am. Little.

28:50

Do you think you'll get married and stuff? I mean, yeah,

28:52

that's like, I mean, I love him. I would love to get married.

28:55

Aww. Yeah. Because you live in Chicago

28:57

and that's like the Midwest where people get married

29:00

early and have children. That's

29:03

not my vibe. No, like Chicago is

29:05

different than like Midwest. Yeah,

29:07

it's not like,

29:08

no, not like the 23 baby. Like,

29:12

I mean, of course, no

29:14

hate. But

29:16

like it's definitely not on the list. Like

29:19

everyone that I know is very like progressive

29:22

in that sense of like with their boyfriend.

29:24

Right, Chicago is Chicago and Peoria

29:27

is like get married at 19. Yeah, no,

29:29

I know.

29:29

Which is fine too. Honestly,

29:32

because I look at my life and biologically

29:35

I was

29:35

supposed to have kids at 19. Yeah,

29:37

that's

29:37

it. That's what all the people say. They're like,

29:41

you'll get stale, you gotta pop them out. Yeah,

29:44

you

29:44

do get stale and crunchy and

29:46

your vag explodes.

29:47

But then again, I think it's better that I

29:49

had an intact vag as

29:51

long as I did. Like I waited until

29:53

the last minute before I blew it up and blew

29:55

it out. Like my body was already on the decline because

29:58

I was about 40.

29:59

Yes, yes, you're like a week ago. I went to the

30:02

gynecologist and she was like, oh

30:04

You got a couple you got a little hemorrhoid

30:06

there and I was like, yeah, I know she's

30:08

like, are you aware? I'm like, yeah, and then she goes

30:11

well, it'll be a problem when you have birth

30:13

because it could get up to the size of a baseball Okay

30:19

You know, I'm like, yeah, well you're down there. Yeah. Thanks

30:21

anything else you got to tell me. Yeah

30:24

Yeah, the hemorrhoids are right like

30:26

concern there. Yeah, can you get him? Can you get

30:28

it removed? I think you can I think you can get

30:30

them removed, but they just grow right back Yeah

30:32

well The reason you get the roids is

30:34

because the weight

30:36

Like you the pregnancy with the weight of your belly

30:38

and then when you go to take a shit like

30:40

you get constipated And then

30:41

you push but if you just you know,

30:43

I just got to keep it regs No, if I had

30:45

a hemorrhoid the size of a baseball,

30:48

I couldn't go on no too

30:50

much Do

30:51

you are you are you pushing out

30:53

your bowel movements? No, it all happened. I got

30:55

my All this

30:58

shit, that's how it happened. It happened freshman

31:00

year of high school. My family was on a trip, you

31:02

know vacation constipation Yeah, yes, I

31:04

just had it. Yeah, so that happened

31:07

but then Perfused diarrhea. I

31:09

literally could not get off the toilet.

31:12

My grandma's like I want to get you guys like a humble

31:14

stay We stayed in like a one bathroom

31:17

Six people place I was literally barging

31:19

my parents room all night and I'm like I can't do this anymore

31:22

She gives me a pill. I didn't ship for three

31:24

months. Oh Deadass okay, maybe

31:26

like do like maybe a grape here

31:28

in there

31:29

like a little grape. That's the worst. Yeah torture

31:31

It was

31:32

misery and I remember texting

31:34

my friends first shit. I was like I

31:36

shit. They're like Cuz

31:39

it was like it was all consuming. Yeah.

31:41

Yeah that one little pill. I

31:44

know you're talking about She gave me what a cheek to

31:46

stop you from shooting like a modium

31:48

or something. No, it was it was way more

31:50

intense Can I tell you not shitting

31:52

because I just went

31:53

through I'm so glad we're talking about this and I had

31:55

a feeling we'd get There you

31:56

me. I was I had to take a z-pack

31:59

for assignments

31:59

Function

32:01

and it really backed up my

32:03

browns. I know it two weeks, dude Yeah, and

32:05

I was like yo and I was stacking with

32:07

like menomusil. I was doing the stool softener I

32:10

was eating fucking jars of kimchi Korean

32:12

food. I learned how to make soon. Dobo on tick tock

32:14

and I So

32:19

anyway, I came long story short I took four laxatives

32:22

and Madison, Wisconsin Cuz I was like

32:24

it's not working Nothing and I took four fucking

32:26

laxatives and then decided to walk around the city

32:28

of Madison like a dipshit and of course

32:30

it kicked

32:34

Barely your asshole nose.

32:36

Yeah, like your asshole nose when it's close. Oh,

32:40

I barely made it Yeah, Bobby toilet like

32:42

walking to TJ max. Yeah

32:46

No, I know it I know it all too well

32:48

you ever done the menoma

32:50

I'm too afraid One

32:52

of my vacation conservation sufferings

32:54

I

32:55

Desperate everything done and

32:57

my ass naked on the bathroom floor and my

32:59

family Airbnb did it I

33:02

was glued toilet glued Yeah for

33:04

like probably 16 hours 16 hours like Cuz

33:07

you put water into your intestine.

33:10

Yeah, and then it flushes. Is that how it works?

33:13

I get it's either water like a little

33:15

laxative in there like Laxative

33:18

liquid and I think if it goes to the ass instead

33:20

of the mouth it's even instant

33:22

Yeah, because how the laxatives work

33:25

is like they create parrot whatever

33:27

the movement Paracelolysis of

33:29

your intestines. So it like it forces

33:31

it out. Oh, yeah, this is my life by

33:34

a lens So you

33:36

like I like Korean food to G. How do you so

33:38

there's there's Korean people in Chicago?

33:40

Yeah,

33:41

I'm surprised you know most

33:43

peeps don't they're not into I love kimchi.

33:45

I love soon do boo I love the bulgogi

33:48

and the fucking Calby. Yeah, well

33:50

go be that's like my shit. I eat cream Yeah,

33:52

like three days a week me too. No,

33:54

no way

33:56

If we are twins, yeah, it keeps

33:57

you regular keeps you regular

33:59

It's amazing. It's good for you the garlic.

34:02

Yeah, I love it. I love like a bento box

34:06

Yeah, everything all the little

34:08

pickled veggies that they give you Cooking

34:10

your own at a BBQ place. Yeah.

34:13

Have you done a Korean

34:13

edition of your food thing?

34:15

I'm guessing I've done a Korean video here

34:18

and there I can't I don't know it's like it's

34:20

hard I try to stick to the more relatable.

34:22

Yeah, cuz like I don't know how many people actually

34:24

love Korean food You're like bu go ghee

34:27

edition. Yeah I know.

34:29

You have to put cheese on your kimchi Yeah,

34:31

I'm like kimchi you're the bok

34:39

But

34:43

it's like people are like what the

34:46

fuck is that? Like it's like that's like a niche. Well, there's

34:48

this um the kokogi Kogi man in LA and

34:50

they put cheese on kimchi pancakes and I think it's I think it's

34:52

the devil some people some Asian Okay,

34:57

so you do have boundaries Oh major

34:59

boundary Yeah, like I try it but

35:01

it is wrong like the textures are off. Oh get

35:04

closer to the mic mommy Oh, yeah, you can push

35:06

it towards you pull it over. Yeah, I agree

35:08

good. Are there some

35:09

food combos that are just illegal?

35:12

Yeah, well since

35:14

I have a

35:15

Full death not allergy you do.

35:18

Yeah. Oh my gosh Yeah,

35:21

I mean that whole box of cookies you just did that

35:23

I have to say I have to say I'm allergic

35:25

to nuts like some people comment like I'm

35:27

a nut allergy person and I would never

35:30

eat crumble cookies or whatever Cuz I'm right cross-contamination.

35:33

Yeah, but I don't know I feel like when you ask

35:36

It's fine and I've

35:38

been definitely allergic to nuts

35:40

my whole life and I've never ever once

35:42

had it like

35:43

a nut You're blowing my mind right now. Yeah, literally

35:45

all the stuff that you eat is so prone

35:48

all the sweet stuff particularly I

35:51

tell you do you know why you have a nut allergy? Why I

35:53

love this because I love saying this on this show cuz

35:55

this Is a this is a mom show. Yeah, it

35:57

was believed in the 90s. This

35:59

is a group of pediatricians somehow got together

36:01

and thought that peanut allergies were created

36:03

by

36:04

exposing children to peanuts.

36:06

So they took peanuts away from kids

36:09

and that's how you end up with Maddie Gett! It is,

36:12

it is because I ate my first

36:14

ever nut

36:15

when I was seven.

36:16

The first time I ever ate a nut it

36:19

was a chocolate covered cashew and I was like sketched

36:21

out by it. I was like...

36:23

So you ate it though? Yeah, but I didn't know I was

36:25

allergic. Because I had never eaten

36:27

a nut till I was seven which is like insane.

36:30

But I was like, they were like do you want a chocolate covered

36:32

cashew? And I'm like yeah why

36:34

not? But I was like in my head

36:36

which is so weird I was like you

36:39

shouldn't eat it. Like I felt like I knew it.

36:41

But why? Like I've

36:43

never been pested

36:43

or anything so I was like

36:45

of course I can eat it. Like why wouldn't I be able to

36:47

eat this random ass nut? So

36:49

I ate it, throat closed, flew

36:52

to the ER. Hello to the

36:55

ER! No, like in the car. Oh I thought you meant like

36:57

a helicopter and you were like wow you both are rich.

36:59

And my dad like picked me off like

37:02

sprinting. And we

37:03

drove to the ER and they did everything in their

37:05

life. Later I got allergy tested,

37:08

definitely allergic to every single tree nut. So

37:10

do you carry like an EpiPen

37:13

with you? Yeah, I'm strapped right now.

37:14

What? Let me see it!

37:17

It's really cool. No way, I've never met a

37:19

human being. I make fun of you guys

37:21

this generation with...

37:23

Wow! I know.

37:24

My boyfriend will like hold up a cashew and he's like this

37:26

could kill you. He's like, or he's like, like, yeah. Like

37:29

what a pussy. What a pussy. I

37:32

just can't eat a little, like a little nut. I'm like

37:34

ahhh. So but if you like if someone's

37:36

on an airplane and they open a pack of nuts and you smell

37:39

it or the oil. Yeah I'm fine. I'm honestly like more

37:41

of a lenient nut allergy person just

37:44

because like I know. My parents,

37:45

the amount of times they've accidentally given

37:48

me nuts, like they'll be like have some popcorn.

37:51

I'll be like you check the ingredients. They're like no I forgot.

37:53

It's like make or has almonds or like something

37:55

like that. But it's like they're not thinking they're just

37:58

offering me it like relatives everywhere.

37:59

Everyone does it, but since they

38:02

weren't the overarching parents that were in

38:05

my classroom, that

38:07

made it so I was able

38:09

to be like, I'm always gonna check, I'm always

38:11

gonna see. If someone would offer

38:14

me a dessert as a kid, I would be like, I'm not hungry.

38:17

I also hate being like,

38:19

I'm allergic, can you check? That

38:21

is the death of my life. I genuinely

38:23

hate that more than anything. I'll

38:25

deny any food ever before

38:27

saying I'm allergic. It's embarrassing. But if

38:29

I'm with people that I know, they'll be like, she's

38:32

just not eating it because now it's like, can you check? Can you call

38:34

whoever made it and ask? And I'm like, yeah, but it's

38:36

okay. I can go without it to

38:38

avoid this conversation that I just

38:41

despise. I know. But yeah.

38:43

God, what a... But it's cool

38:45

though, you said that, I mean, when you're really

38:48

little, gosh, you're not in

38:50

charge of your life, but now as

38:52

a teenager, an adult, you have to be vigilant

38:54

on your own behalf, which

38:55

is, hello, personal responsibility. Yeah,

38:58

exactly. Yeah, they were like, you want

39:00

to sit at the peanut table? She has to sit at the peanut

39:02

table. They isolate the kids with the nut allergy

39:05

at lunch. I couldn't sit with my

39:07

friends and I was like, no, I'm not sitting

39:09

at the peanut table. I don't care. I'm

39:11

sitting with my friends. Were you alone at the peanut

39:14

table? It would have been like with the other four kids with

39:16

peanut allergy. Four kids? Or whoever

39:18

it was, that I didn't even know. I

39:20

was like, fuck no, I'm not sitting at the peanut

39:22

table. You can't make me. No, this peanut

39:25

is wild. Growing up, there were no motherfuckers

39:28

at high peanut. I'm telling you, dude, like Gen

39:30

X, that shit did not exist. They created

39:32

this fucking nonsense. Yeah. Poor

39:35

and attractive people like you, Maddie Gett,

39:37

have to care. I ran an insulin pen. Is it insulin?

39:40

It's epinephrine. It's like adrenaline. Have

39:43

you actually had to crack that open? Never, but I had

39:45

a scare in Vegas. I won't tell

39:47

the story because it's so long, but basically the

39:50

people were like,

39:51

I got Mexican food, which I'm like, that's not a

39:53

nut thing. But there was like a green sauce

39:55

on the top and I was like green pistachios.

39:59

Like it like sketches. me out green. So I'm

40:01

like, could you check? And he's like, nuts

40:03

and fajitas? Like, ha. And

40:05

he was like, if you die, don't blame me.

40:08

Like the waiter like fucking around with me. I'm like, okay,

40:10

like I'm gonna laugh, but 90% of

40:12

people with a nut allergy would not find

40:14

out. No, yeah. Like, like, yeah, you might die. But

40:17

whatever. He was like, you're fine.

40:18

I'm eating it. Whatever the manager

40:21

comes to my table and she's like, are you the one that asked about nuts? I'm

40:23

like, yeah, she's like, it had pistachios. Can

40:25

I get you something else? I'm like, oh,

40:28

no, like, I'm gonna I'm like, I need to go to

40:30

the ER right now. I'm like, this is like really

40:32

serious. Like whatever. So we call

40:35

two ambulances show up, like we're closing a scene

40:37

on the Vegas strip. I was

40:39

in shock. Like I couldn't speak. I was like, what

40:42

the fuck? Like I'm just waiting to die. I'm like, my

40:44

throat's gonna close. I'm gonna go into a coma. Whatever

40:46

the hell is supposed to happen. I've never eaten a nut. So

40:48

I don't know. Nothing's happening. They're like shooting

40:51

me with every IV, every ping at one

40:53

point. They're like, her oxygen's down. Like get

40:55

her oxygen. That's when I was like, okay, I'm going out

40:57

to see your world. Whatever. It was

41:00

like a 10 hour thing. ER everything. Next

41:02

day my mom calls

41:03

the restaurant. She was like, piss. She was like gonna bitch

41:06

him out. And they're like, oh yeah, that girl.

41:08

We, she was already gone, but it

41:10

didn't have nuts. We like mistake the two meals.

41:14

Are you kidding me?

41:17

Yeah. So I was like thinking, well, maybe I'll be fine

41:19

if I eat nuts now that I ate

41:21

it. Yeah. There was no nuts. It's all

41:23

done. Yeah. And we went to the ER.

41:25

It was like a 10 hour horrible

41:27

process. Kiss a jerk off.

41:29

That would be funny.

41:30

No. And then she, she's like,

41:32

yeah, I mistake the sauces and I told you there were

41:34

nuts. Yeah.

41:37

That's terrible.

41:39

Real scare I've ever had. And I didn't even

41:42

eat nuts. Like I've never actually

41:44

eaten a nut. Good. Yeah. Let's never do

41:46

it. And I'm glad you traveled with your pen. That's all you

41:48

really can do. There's great hospitals in Austin,

41:50

God forbid I've been. Yeah. Well,

41:53

anyway, I'm glad you're still alive and

41:55

I'm so pumped for you and your future

41:57

is so bright. You're only 23 years old. She's a Tik TOK

41:59

Phenomenon Maddie gets you have to follow her on

42:02

tiktok on snapchat apparently. She's the

42:04

queen of the fucking snaps. Yes snap Instagram

42:07

and then a new podcast. What's it called half

42:10

joking podcast? Hey my brother. I love

42:12

this I'm so excited for you. I can't

42:15

wait to see everything you create in the future Thank you so much

42:17

for coming to Austin to talk to me. It's been such

42:19

a pleasure. Thank you for having me Yeah, you are

42:21

just the most iconic human in the world

42:23

burp together next No,

42:27

I'm ready. Oh

42:28

Oh,

42:30

there

42:30

you go a woman of many talent Thank

42:35

you guys for watching this until next time stay cool

42:37

moms

42:58

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