0:00

In 5, 4, 3, 2...

0:24

Salt Lake City, Puta! I'm

0:27

so excited I added... an

0:30

early show Saturday. Get this,

0:32

management let me... do

0:35

a 4 p.m. show. Hot. Just

0:39

because my audience is parents. And

0:42

then Comedy Club on State in Madison-Jisconson,

0:45

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0:47

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0:49

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0:53

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2:08

With me is Rachel Wolfson,

2:10

one of my absolute favorite! Let's

2:13

do your plugs at the top. She's going to be at the New York

2:15

City Comedy Festival on November 5th

2:17

and November 17th at Agua Caliente.

2:20

Is that how you say that?

2:22

I'm sure. Hey, you just moved to

2:24

Austin. I'm so proud, dude. Yeah, I love it. Fuck

2:27

yeah. I never thought I would ever

2:29

be living in Texas. Here I am. That's how the

2:31

world is. God laughs

2:33

at your plans, not at your jokes. Right?

2:36

Isn't that a well? If someone would have told me that, because I'm

2:38

such a diehard Angeleno and my heart

2:40

is still am, I'd be like, fuck you, Texas.

2:42

You're out of your mind. I know. And, you

2:44

know, now I love it. It's fully embedded. It's been

2:46

a couple years. I love it. Went to

2:48

a school function this morning for my five-year-old.

2:51

We

2:52

do like a fairy tale ball. And the

2:54

kids dress up as like princes and princesses.

2:56

It was so cute. Is

2:58

the father there with the huge dick and

3:00

the gray sweatpants? What? Is

3:03

he there? That was an L.A. school. Oh,

3:05

of course it was an L.A. school. They don't do that

3:07

in Texas. Here is actual gun in your pocket. Yeah,

3:10

and if your dick does

3:12

show, the other dads will beat the fuck out of you. I love

3:14

it. I love it, too. Yeah. And

3:17

today, one of the moms was like, oh, it's your

3:19

last. It's our last fairy tale ball

3:21

because our youngest are in there. And she's like, aren't

3:23

you sad? And I was like, no,

3:25

not at all. I'm so ready to be out

3:27

of this

3:28

time of their lives,

3:30

you know, like I've done. I've been

3:32

I just realized last night I've dealt

3:35

with seven years of tantrums. Oh,

3:37

gosh. Seven years of tantrums

3:39

and mommy is over dysregulation.

3:42

Yeah.

3:42

Right? Well, I have a cat, so

3:44

I can't relate.

3:45

You're totally getting. Yeah,

3:48

you're totally got to. Do you think you'll

3:50

have kids, Rachel? What do you think? If

3:52

that's in my if that's in my plans,

3:55

you know, I will

3:57

see, you know. Yeah, we'll see. Yeah,

3:59

that's. Cool, it's good to keep your options

4:01

open. I say delayed as long as you can. I

4:04

really did. That's my plan. 11th hour. It's

4:06

my plan B actually. Ahhh! Yuck

4:08

girl. Yeah

4:11

and you know it's funny and this is gonna be terrible

4:13

but it's

4:14

actually kinda hard to get preggers. I

4:16

mean at least for, there's only

4:18

like four days,

4:19

a month where you kinda can. So

4:22

it's like weird when you stop the train on birth

4:24

control and then you reverse the train on getting

4:26

knocked up cause you're like oh this shit's a

4:28

lot harder actually. All those years I was

4:30

like petrified. Yeah and then yeah.

4:34

I'm gonna have to block out those four dates on my calendar.

4:37

I'm gonna drink that whole time. That's

4:39

what you do and that's how you get pregnant. Oh you're right. That's

4:41

what they say. You're right. Yeah, you can pee on

4:43

a stick and it tells you when you're ovulating and that's

4:45

how you know. Oh God. Hey

4:48

Neehootles, I'm so

4:50

pumped to be here with you. You know I was thinking about you

4:53

and like, you and I were like troubled

4:55

teens. Yeah.

4:56

I'm a troubled adult. So

4:59

am I. It doesn't

5:01

stop in your teen years.

5:03

No, but

5:05

I'm sort of making like peace

5:07

with my teen years now

5:10

as a grown up cause I think there's so much like

5:13

shame and weirdness around being weird.

5:15

Yeah, right. Do you have that too? Are

5:17

you embarrassed kind of who you maybe

5:19

were? I was the kid, you know, I felt like,

5:24

cause I was a kid that was on ADHD medicine

5:27

so I don't have to leave the office

5:28

to go take the pills and to come back and

5:30

I felt like all the other kids thought I was weird

5:32

for that.

5:32

Yeah. Cause I was on pills.

5:35

How old were you when you got prescribed that? I

5:37

was five. Shut up. Yeah. That's

5:39

so young and are you dyslexic too? No,

5:42

I'm not dyslexic, I just have ADHD. Yeah.

5:45

Yeah. Cause sometimes those go hand in hand and dyslexia

5:47

with ADHD and like learning disabilities. Did you have anything

5:50

else? They're called learning differences now. Ha

5:52

ha ha ha. You're

5:54

not retarded, you just learn differently. You're

5:57

fucking retarded, but cool to be retarded.

6:00

Because those dyslexic kids, they got other skills,

6:02

you know? It's cool now. Yeah. Growing

6:05

up, they're like, oh, god. So next

6:07

to her, she's too hyper. So

6:10

you were five, where you were just bouncing off

6:12

the walls? Off the walls. Talk about

6:14

dysregulation. I couldn't sit still. I

6:16

couldn't shut up. Not much different than

6:18

now, but as a kid, especially as a girl, it's

6:23

not common. It's more of a

6:25

boy thing to be like that. So

6:28

what was ADHD

6:30

as a five-year-old? Also, they diagnosed

6:33

me as ODD, which is Oppositional

6:35

Defiant Disorder, which to me means I

6:37

just don't like doing what you asked me to do. That

6:39

goes hand in hand with ADHD. Those

6:42

are like the kissing cousins generally. That's

6:45

gnarly, dude. That's a lot.

6:48

Now, I do know ADHD is genetic,

6:51

but they say there's also a component

6:53

to if your parents are hyper-anxious

6:57

that tends to go hand in hand with ADHD

6:59

diagnoses. Were your parents super

7:01

anxious people? My dad has OCD,

7:04

and definitely my mom. It's

7:06

on both sides. There it is. You were destined

7:09

for it. We're also Jewish, so anxiety

7:11

is just in our bones. Jewish

7:14

and OCD. So much. There's

7:16

so much going on there. Yeah. So are you

7:18

still on those meds? Do you still have

7:20

to

7:20

take ADHD? No, I'm off those meds, but

7:22

I was really popular during finals week. That's

7:25

when I had friends, finals time. So

7:28

everyone was calling me. Focusing. Yeah,

7:30

no, now I'm just on a mood

7:32

stabilizer and an antipsychotic.

7:33

So I feel nothing

7:35

here and here. Yeah,

7:38

I was on Alexa Pro. I was faint because I'm

7:40

just weaning off of it because I needed it for postpartum

7:43

depression. And yeah, I'm

7:45

like, oh, my genitals are kind of not. Yeah,

7:47

that's fucked up. Yeah. But like

7:50

you're happy, and you're not depressed.

7:52

I'm stoked. Yeah. Yeah. That's

7:55

how it feels. Who cares if

7:57

you can't feel your genitals? Not at all. meaning

8:00

off of Lexapro and I'm getting like brain pops.

8:03

Do you have that? Did you ever have that? Brain

8:05

pops and what does that sound? What does that sound

8:07

like? Brain zaps, it's like this thing where you're like, like

8:10

you feel like that, like your brain goes. I

8:12

feel like I have like memory problems sometimes.

8:14

Yeah. Like there's like gaps in my

8:17

memory from my childhood because of all the medicines

8:19

that I was

8:20

taking. For sure. You

8:22

know, do you remember how people tell you about something you did

8:24

when you were younger and you're like, oh, I absolutely do

8:26

not remember that. No, because

8:28

nobody, nobody,

8:30

my parents are both losers. You know what I mean? Like

8:33

nobody's like, I remember that one time you finally,

8:35

no, there's no fond memories. One's dead

8:37

and the other one doesn't. I was so hyper, I broke my cousin's

8:39

bed by like jumping on, you know, I was

8:41

like, my uncle was so

8:43

mad at me. Yeah. And he

8:45

reminds you, your shitty uncle. Well, like that was something

8:47

that like they brought up as I was an adult. And I

8:49

was like, I'm sorry, I broke your furniture.

8:52

Yeah, that's one of those things where you're

8:54

like, could you not remind me of how

8:56

shitty I was? My dad

8:58

would always remind me of, I was like 13 and

9:02

we went to Budapest and he's like,

9:03

do you remember that time we

9:06

went to the fancy restaurant and you

9:08

dropped your ice cream?

9:10

And it made a big sound because it was in

9:12

this beautiful glass and I dropped it. And

9:14

he was like, we were so embarrassed. He

9:17

was holding

9:17

onto that for so long. I

9:19

know. I'm like, you can't,

9:22

like you're gonna remind me of an accident

9:24

because

9:24

he was embarrassed. I wasn't, I only

9:26

was embarrassed because he was being a cunt

9:28

about it. Yeah. You're like,

9:30

ew, don't remind me. Yeah, no, thanks. Don't remind

9:33

me. Anyway, so I

9:35

did the Ed Millett. He's this great

9:37

like motivational business guy. I

9:39

did his podcast a couple of years ago. And

9:43

he said to me, he's like, Christina, you're always the

9:46

best person to help people

9:48

that were like you when you were a teenager.

9:51

So if you're like a mom and you're listening and you've got

9:53

a teenager that wears a lot of black,

9:57

maybe listens to the cure and whatever.

10:00

and like is fucking depressed. Like how

10:02

can you help that kid? Like what would you want

10:05

someone to say to young Rachel? I

10:07

was a Marilyn Manson. Oh cool. And

10:10

then I would gel like my hair super

10:12

down, wear like baggy black shirts

10:14

and just baggy pants.

10:17

What would I tell? Hold on, let's go back to your aesthetic,

10:19

your gun. Then we'll do that second part. Cause my

10:22

aesthetic was, I would

10:24

go like Victorian era gun.

10:28

I like the new wave first gen of it,

10:30

velvet dresses, lace. And

10:32

then I think the second, your second generation,

10:34

I think, which is the Marilyn Manson,

10:37

like you said, the baggy crunch. Yeah, I

10:39

like that. I like that vibe. And then

10:41

the steampunk thing, I'm

10:44

like, that's super leggay with the goggles

10:46

and like, I'm not interested in that. I

10:48

had the email swoop. Oh,

10:51

I like the email swoop. Yeah, that's dope. And

10:54

you gelled your hair down. Oh yeah, gelled it.

10:57

So like, kind of like how it is now, but just gel.

11:00

That's hot. You

11:03

know, so rad. Yeah.

11:05

So were you a depressed kid?

11:07

I was a depressed

11:09

kid,

11:10

but I was also an anxious kid.

11:13

I, you know, I didn't even know what to be

11:15

depressed about. Like it was like, strap in,

11:17

you know? Just

11:19

wait, I'm 15 now. It's not

11:21

that bad, but yeah. I

11:24

was, I guess I was email. I

11:26

didn't really have anything like,

11:28

I wasn't aware of anything. Like, I

11:31

guess I was depressed because I was living at home

11:32

and my parents were really strict. So

11:35

it was hard to have individuality.

11:38

And I guess I found that through music and. Sure,

11:40

are you an only child too? No, I have a

11:42

sister. Is she cool? She's cool,

11:45

she's

11:45

a lawyer though. Oh, not that

11:47

cool.

11:47

She's kind of cool. No, she's cool.

11:49

Was she like perfect? Was she like

11:51

you or was she? It's not that she

11:54

was perfect, but I guess I was like the

11:56

rough draft and she was the final copy.

11:58

Got you. You know? Yeah, wait,

12:01

sorry, she's older than you? Younger. Oh, younger,

12:03

yeah. Yeah, the first kid's always the burnt

12:05

pancake. I'm the experimental child. Yeah,

12:09

it's kind of true because you learn like,

12:12

oh, you don't need to do this much. At

12:14

least I overcompensated with my first kid.

12:17

And I think he's like, yeah, I get it. You love me. Like,

12:20

he's so over me. And then the little guy, you know,

12:22

you pull back

12:23

a little more and then they're more

12:25

balanced. I also think like, you know, when

12:27

you're having your first kid, I don't know

12:30

for everyone, but like my parents kind

12:32

of grew up as well as me growing up. You

12:34

know, they were in their 30s. You

12:36

know, so I think that it

12:38

was a learning curve for both of us. For sure.

12:42

So what could somebody do right now listening

12:44

who's got a depressed team that

12:46

could help them? What would you say to you?

12:49

I guess, you know, just

12:52

don't like force

12:52

anything, but just kind of make

12:55

it clear that you're there for them. And

12:58

that it's kind of a safe place,

13:00

you know. And I think that the world

13:02

is super judgmental. But if you have a

13:05

parent figure or a parent that makes

13:08

it a little more safer to be who you are, then

13:11

that's probably the best. Because

13:13

I can't even imagine raising a teenager.

13:16

And, you know, sometimes like even when you're nice to

13:19

the kids, it's like they push back. I

13:21

know, they're so shitty. So it's like you don't

13:23

want to be overbearing, but you don't want to be underbearing.

13:26

Just bearing. Just bearing. Yeah.

13:29

But yeah, I guess just like just be

13:31

there. I know that sounds like not a rocket

13:34

science. Does that's the truth of it?

13:37

Idea. But I think, you know, when parents

13:39

let you know that you can always come

13:41

to them, but there's no underlying

13:44

judgment because I still felt scared going

13:46

to my parents. My mom was literally a judge.

13:48

That was her job to judge people. Right. Right.

13:51

Right. And so smart too. And

13:54

probably very savvy and logical. Yeah. Exactly.

13:56

And there's no room for emotion there. You know? Yeah.

14:00

So I had the same issue, but

14:01

not because my parents were super smart, but

14:03

they're kind of like animals,

14:06

you know? Like just emotionally

14:08

like toddlers. My parents are emotional

14:10

toddlers and like I remember

14:11

I would, I sat down with my dad when

14:13

I was like 13 or 14 and like so

14:15

depressed. I was just like just on the brink

14:18

of suicidal, you know? And

14:20

I was like, right, I'm going to tell him. I'm going to tell him what's

14:22

wrong. And I was like, dad, I think

14:25

I'm depressed.

14:26

I think I'm sad. I think I need help. You

14:29

are depressed. I am depressed.

14:32

Your life is great. My life

14:35

was bad. And I'm like, no,

14:37

I knew I shouldn't have fucking shared with you. It

14:40

was such a betrayal. And that's when I

14:42

learned. I'm like, oh, I guess we're definitely

14:44

not sharing with these

14:46

monsters, you

14:46

know? And then you just you shut down and you

14:48

shut down and you shut down. And thank God

14:50

I had decent friends. Like I had a great friend

14:53

group of messed up goth kids. And they

14:55

were, but they were nice. They were good kids. Yeah.

14:58

And like, yeah, I think each

15:00

parental generation

15:01

kind of doesn't understand what

15:04

kids fully go through, you know,

15:06

with especially now with like social media. I

15:09

can't even imagine the culture surrounding

15:11

that. And I can meet like growing up, we didn't

15:13

have still

15:14

didn't have social media in middle school. I think it was

15:16

my last year of high school. Facebook came out.

15:19

So there's a whole layer

15:21

of

15:23

just pressure. I feel like that exists

15:26

now. Could you imagine?

15:29

I was so embarrassing. Like,

15:31

okay, when my generation, all

15:33

you could have to express your individuality

15:36

was like you had a folder, you know,

15:38

your binder and then like a plastic

15:41

cover. Oh, yeah. And you could put in like your

15:43

rad

15:44

band postcards or stickers.

15:46

So that was like, so of course it was all the favorite

15:49

music of mine. And then my

15:51

locker, like your locker and

15:53

it would just be decked out with like sex pistols

15:56

or whatever. And like, but it's so

15:58

embarrassing. Like if I had a fucking.

15:59

TikTok as a teenager. It would

16:02

just be...

16:03

Imagine if the bullying didn't

16:04

stop at school. You would have to go home

16:06

and then read the

16:09

comments about you. Like some little

16:11

dickhead is like, you're ugly. And you're like,

16:13

I guess I am ugly. 100 likes. Yeah. Oh.

16:17

The whole school liked it. Because

16:19

yeah, because back in the day, you would just prank call

16:22

a bitch. Yeah. If you hated her and then her dad would

16:24

pick it up and yell at you or whatever. Star

16:26

six seven. Yeah. I love star six. You

16:28

block your number so you can prank whoever

16:30

you want. Ah, fuck it. Yeah. Yeah,

16:33

prank calls is a lost art form. We

16:36

were the last generation to be able to do that. Well,

16:39

I wanted to do some prank calls. I

16:41

was thinking about starting a podcast. I want to do prank calls.

16:44

But I guess in California,

16:46

you can't prank

16:48

and then without

16:51

their knowledge. Because you can't record

16:53

or something without

16:55

people's knowledge. But you know. Texas. You

16:57

think they're arresting people for

16:59

prank calls? I mean, I

17:02

don't know, dude. So stupid. There's like

17:04

looting happening down the street. We're like, we're here

17:06

because of your prank calls. Yeah,

17:09

talk about looting. Now there's also a law that just

17:11

got

17:11

passed in California where if you work

17:13

at a store and the store is being looted,

17:16

if you try to apprehend the person looting,

17:18

you get fined $10,000. I saw it here

17:21

in CVS downtown. There's someone

17:23

who came in and just started stealing. Because

17:25

it's also dangerous for the employees

17:28

to go after them for like a $2. It's

17:32

not worth losing your life. But

17:34

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out there at the best price. I have

23:01

some really cool

23:03

videos to show you. You know I love this.

23:05

Yeah.

23:07

Let me start off with... I

23:11

want to do the body count

23:13

one. So this girl, this woman, I should

23:15

say, I'm obsessed with. Her name is Malgrit

23:18

and she, like myself,

23:22

her parents are like Eastern European,

23:24

Slavic, whatever, and she

23:26

lives in England and she gives like kind

23:28

of killer advice to women,

23:30

to young women. I know you're, you know, you're

23:33

not married yet, you don't have kids yet, but

23:35

listen to Malgrit. Let's see what this bitch has

23:37

to say. A high

23:38

body count for women is not a good thing. That's

23:40

what they say, right? High body count, not

23:42

good, not good. I'm not agreeing or disagreeing,

23:46

but I will tell you one thing. Why

23:49

are you telling them your body count? Hey!

23:52

Are you in

23:54

an interrogation? That's what's up, bitch. What's

23:56

happening? What's happening that you're so liberal

23:59

with your life?

23:59

and your past. Have

24:02

some mystery, have some mystique baby.

24:04

If you choose to go on the train of sleeping

24:07

with every man and then you regret

24:09

it just don't tell anyone. You

24:11

don't have to. No one

24:14

will know. Okay?

24:16

Now probably a better solution is

24:18

to be more um decisive

24:20

with who you sleep with. I agree with that. If you watch my channel

24:23

you will know that

24:25

because we don't let anybody in. We don't just let anybody

24:27

in. I'm very big because I bought

24:29

if we've made that mistake.

24:31

I love her.

24:33

Who's asking you? Mm-hmm. Who's asking

24:35

you? Mm-hmm.

24:37

You don't always have to be honest. That's what's up. That's what's

24:39

up Marguerite. I love her. I love her.

24:41

I fucking love you. Marguerite come on my show.

24:44

She's got a podcast too. I love you.

24:46

This woman, my mother would say the

24:48

same thing to me. European

24:50

women, she said to me, Christi

24:52

get do whatever you want

24:55

but don't tell anybody about it. I love

24:57

that. Yeah what the fuck are you telling

24:59

them? Well some men, I don't know why

25:02

they, I mean they shouldn't

25:04

ask questions they don't want the answers

25:05

to. However, I mean I kind

25:08

of get like,

25:09

like imagine if you went to a hotel

25:11

room and got a list of all the people who fucked

25:13

in that bed before you. You'd be like,

25:15

oh I don't

25:16

want to stay here. You know? Yeah. But

25:18

I also like, you know, if

25:22

you're in a relationship there's got to be an

25:24

understanding that there were people, there were

25:27

other people in there before. VIP

25:30

V.I. penis. There is an understanding

25:33

but men when they marry

25:35

you and they want you to be the

25:37

mother of their babies

25:40

and the head of their home, they

25:42

want to be not, maybe not the only conquered

25:45

one but they want to think that they're buying low

25:48

mileage. Right. Low mileage.

25:50

Yeah. And I kind of get it because,

25:53

like I'm not turned on by men

25:55

that have high mileage. I'll be like what is wrong

25:57

with you? You just let, you just jizz into

25:59

anything. don't fucking care about your body. There's this guy

26:01

on 90 day fiance dropping

26:03

his body count which is like 2,500 women and this girl flew out

26:06

to like

26:10

I think it's Turkey and

26:11

she didn't want to sleep in

26:14

his bed and the bed the headboard

26:16

was like falling apart and

26:18

she like insisted on

26:20

sleeping on the couch the first night she got there which

26:22

I totally get. Yeah that's so nasty

26:24

dude. Yeah I mean I think

26:27

it's good. Guys right don't you kind of look

26:29

I'm not saying all men don't come at

26:32

me with this bull. I'm

26:34

a beta male and

26:35

I love it. Don't come at me or on me.

26:37

I love knowing that my girl's been

26:39

jizzed in by half of the

26:41

world. But don't you kind of want to know that

26:43

person has respect for themselves or am I being archaic?

26:46

Am I too old for this?

26:48

I mean I think so. I mean what do you

26:51

think? Blissful ignorance is a good thing.

26:53

Right you kind of want to think that the woman

26:55

you're marrying

26:56

is clean right Annie? Yeah

26:59

sure I don't know. Yeah

27:01

I don't really ask that shit. Annie you

27:03

don't care either way?

27:08

I mean I'm just not I'm not trying to ask

27:10

that thing whatever the answer is I ain't

27:12

gonna love it so it's just whatever

27:14

you've done what you've done I like you now it's

27:16

all good. So you don't you don't ask?

27:19

No I'm not a big fan of asking that

27:21

question. It's like the military don't ask don't tell.

27:24

Wow. You know even if the answer

27:26

because then it's just like where does that conversation

27:29

go? I don't know like what does she said 10?

27:31

Okay I don't know now I want to know who

27:33

you know what I mean? I don't want to do this I don't want

27:35

to have this conversation. It's all good.

27:37

He's a brother he put his head in the sand. But

27:40

here's the deal man when you're with somebody for you know 10

27:43

years 15 years that you got it you're gonna

27:45

know you're she's gonna

27:47

tell you you're gonna ask Josh you don't

27:49

ask body count.

27:51

I'm a girlfriend. You definitely shouldn't. It

27:53

doesn't serve you in any way to I

27:56

mean to I

27:58

think the less you talk about X's. and all that

28:00

stuff kind of the better.

28:02

Wow. Facts. Hard

28:04

facts.

28:04

You guys are fucking pussies. A

28:07

lot of you, emotional pussies.

28:11

I cannot believe this. I

28:13

demand to know. And I see I'm

28:15

the opposite. What

28:17

is it, you like to hurt yourself a masochist? I

28:21

want to know. I want to know who,

28:23

when, what continent. Their address.

28:26

Their fucking address. That bitches

28:28

Facebook because I want to check and see if she's fat

28:31

and ugly now. There

28:33

are women that, Tom, like this fucking Tunisian

28:35

whore, you know who you are. Damn,

28:38

called out. He mentioned,

28:40

we were on the way to get coffee this morning and he's

28:42

like, we were talking about the Middle East. And

28:45

I go, you know those guys, they

28:46

wear the dresses

28:48

and it keeps them nice and cool. They're

28:50

cock and balls. And he goes, yeah, yeah, no,

28:52

I know I've worn one of them once. And I go, was it

28:54

in Tunisia with

28:57

your

28:57

whore?

28:58

Because he told me he made the mistake of telling me. So

29:00

maybe I am a fucking idiot. Maybe I should never

29:02

have asked.

29:03

I think you're proving our point, right?

29:05

Fuck. Maybe I should never.

29:07

Don't ask, don't tell. Yeah. Fuck.

29:11

I'm an idiot. But we've been together for so long and we've

29:13

done all these podcasts together. We're

29:15

comics. We're comics, right? You date a comic.

29:18

You can't be not open. I

29:20

date a comic who's dated comics. Talk

29:23

about body count. That

29:26

counts for a lot of bodies, even just one.

29:28

I

29:30

feel like it's very- I think worse than having 100 body

29:33

counts dating a comedian. Oh, way

29:36

worse. Why worse? Well, you gotta be mentally.

29:38

You guys are both fine. Unwell. Be

29:40

unwell. Be on sick inside. But just fine.

29:43

I prefer it. I honestly like that I can just

29:45

let this flag fly. I can't

29:47

hold

29:47

it together. The red flag fly. The

29:51

red flag fly. Yeah,

29:53

I can't pretend to be a normal person with a

29:55

dude. Why do that? Nah, it's fucking lame.

29:57

Wow, ignorance is bliss, huh? Yeah.

30:00

Yeah, but I do think an acceptable number

30:03

let's say if one were to lie to a man.

30:05

I

30:06

think I think like

30:09

Eight or nine or ten. Yeah eight

30:11

to ten sounds right is that like

30:13

that doesn't make it It's like spread out

30:15

over ten years. They're like what

30:17

if they're like it's been eight to ten all this month

30:20

Like I was a

30:22

virgin up until then but this month

30:24

we hit it hard No, I'm saying

30:26

you say like if Miss Mommy Marguerite

30:29

were to were to give us a number I would

30:31

say between Okay,

30:32

let's be more liberal since this is a different generation.

30:34

Yeah, this is a hookup culture generation

30:37

My generation was AIDS fear

30:39

paranoia warts. You're gonna die So

30:42

we didn't actually we were not I don't

30:44

think we were our generation is like HPV

30:46

is like the common cold everyone has

30:48

it Have fun So

30:53

I would say for my I think 10 to 15

30:56

would be a normal amount for

30:58

like a 30-year-old

31:01

woman. What do you think does that number

31:03

sound terrifying to you?

31:06

Pretend you're 30 and you're getting married at 30

31:09

Wow, any shaking a test you yeah,

31:11

yeah Wow body count is like

31:13

age It's just a number, you

31:16

know any what's the number that feels

31:18

good to you when you hear it? You're like, that's okay

31:20

That's the thing. There is no number that's

31:22

like, oh cool. You fucked other dudes I don't

31:24

know. It's just it's never gonna be a number that I'm

31:26

hype about I'm even zeros

31:29

on then it's like why It's

31:32

like there's no number that's gonna make me happy so

31:34

I'd rather just yeah, I don't need to know it's fine Especially

31:37

man that would honestly suck even worse

31:40

if it was like what if it was 50, you

31:42

know, it's like goddamn But what if I will fucking

31:44

love this chick like whatever? But

31:52

that that's I don't know that's where this conversation

31:55

goes and yeah, I don't know it's

31:57

just it's never gonna be an answer I like so

32:00

I just don't care.

32:00

See, it's so funny. It's so interesting because men

32:03

are actually very sensitive

32:05

on certain things like this.

32:06

They don't wanna think

32:08

about another dude dropping loads

32:11

inside of their sacred vessel. I get

32:13

it. The equivalent of like lying

32:15

about your body count is like men who

32:17

are saying they're 60 when they're really five

32:19

men. Yeah, totally. You

32:22

know, totally 60. Totally.

32:24

Only five dudes. Only five dudes. So

32:28

five is too low, I think. Because

32:30

then you seem like, well, what's wrong with you? Exactly.

32:34

Yeah, but Marguerite's right. Do what you want,

32:36

just don't fucking tell anybody.

32:37

Yeah, why don't you have to tell people? All right,

32:39

I want you to do, oh, it's the stranger

32:41

danger. Do you know that phrase, stranger danger?

32:43

Yeah. What are you laughing

32:45

about,

32:45

Annie? It's

32:47

just funny you're saying don't tell, and then you're like, why don't

32:50

you wanna know? We're saying

32:52

the same thing. Like, I don't wanna know,

32:54

and you don't need to tell me. Yeah. It's

32:57

the same thing. You don't need to know, and you don't

32:59

need to tell me. But unfortunately, in long-term

33:01

relationships,

33:02

it does come up, and then you're gonna, it

33:05

is a sticky wicket. It is a sticky

33:07

wicket to say.

33:07

But why does it need to come up? At

33:09

what time is it?

33:10

Because when you're with someone for so long, you gotta

33:12

have new things to fight about. Yeah, you

33:14

know? Let's fight about body

33:16

count. 100%, you

33:19

run out of your underwear's on the floor,

33:22

or you didn't do the dishes. And

33:24

then you gotta dig into who they are as

33:26

a human being. That's how you know you're really into

33:29

somebody when you start nitpicking who they were

33:31

before you, what's wrong with you on the inside,

33:33

what's wrong with me. It's called relationship, homie.

33:35

That's what happens.

33:37

You gotta get to know this motherfucker.

33:39

I think it's very telling, actually,

33:42

how you treat your body, who

33:44

you let come inside of your body, especially

33:46

as a woman. Listen, this is archaic as hell.

33:49

I know I sound like I'm 80,000 years old, but

33:52

the woman, we create life in

33:54

our bodies. And if you just let any dude just

33:56

blow loads inside of you, like you

33:58

don't care.

33:59

Don't even care about your reproductive.

34:02

God damn, dude. I don't know. Not

34:05

that I'm some virgin or that I was a virginal woman

34:07

before I married my husband. I'm certainly not. Right,

34:09

but like. But I'm also not like the town

34:12

bicycle. Yeah, more like

34:15

the town electric bicycle.

34:16

You gotta pay a little. The stationary bicycle.

34:19

I don't really go far. Yeah,

34:22

I know.

34:23

I'm not the town anything. Like

34:26

I have to, like,

34:27

oh God, this is terrible.

34:29

But you know, like I just had someone tell me, a

34:31

girlfriend, it might be like, oh, I slept with so and so.

34:34

And I've been thinking about it for

34:36

fucking 10 days now. Every day,

34:38

at least once a day, I'll be

34:39

like, oh, she slept with fucking that

34:42

guy.

34:43

Like, you let that guy jizz inside? Like, I think

34:45

about it. And I'm not that I still like this person

34:47

very much, both the people, but then you're like,

34:50

I do think less. Yeah. I

34:52

do think less of this person. Yeah. I'm

34:54

sorry, a little bit. A little bit. A little bit.

34:57

But, you know, but that just makes me like them a

35:00

little bit more too. So I'm like, oh, you're dark. All right. Yeah.

35:03

You're really insecure. Deep and dark. Yeah. Deep,

35:05

dark, heavy loads.

35:09

All right, let's do a stranger danger.

35:13

There's a clip about it. As a child therapist, I don't

35:15

teach my kids about stranger danger, but

35:17

I do teach them about something else instead.

35:20

And I want to talk about it today. Yeah, we know you want to talk

35:22

about it. The old school idea of stranger danger is

35:24

that all strangers are bad and we want

35:26

to avoid them all. That's right. And

35:29

this idea can be a little tricky for kids. A, because

35:31

a stranger can be really hard to conceptualize. And

35:34

B, because it can lead to some social

35:36

anxieties if a stranger waves at them. That's

35:39

okay. When it's on the street. A stranger isn't

35:41

ill meaning. They're just trying to be friendly. This can be

35:43

tough for kids. So you can teach them that it's okay

35:45

to wave. It's okay to say hi to a stranger, but

35:48

you can teach them about some strange behavior that they

35:50

really

35:51

should be careful of. Here's an example.

35:53

If a stranger

35:55

or a person that we know ever asked

35:57

you to keep a secret and not tell us something.

35:59

to let us know right away. That's a strange behavior.

36:03

If someone ever gives you unwanted touch

36:05

so they try and touch you whether it's a hug or

36:07

holding your hand or something else Hold

36:09

on pause for a second. And if you feel uncomfortable and you've said

36:12

no you need to let us know.

36:13

Doesn't that confuse and terrify

36:16

a kid even more? All I

36:18

was taught growing up is just don't take candy

36:20

from

36:20

the weird guy in the van. But

36:23

to be fair that made me want to do it more. So I was

36:25

looking for guys in vans handing out candy.

36:28

Yeah you're like where's this candy man in the van. I was like this guy just

36:30

wants to give us candy. Candy

36:33

for

36:33

a handy but that you know. Candy

36:35

for a handy. You know that's all. But

36:38

I talk to strangers on the internet all the time.

36:41

So that's true. So do I. But I feel

36:43

like but telling kids there's people

36:45

that want to give you unwanted touches. Yeah.

36:48

And then there's people that want you to keep secrets. That's way

36:50

more terrifying than hey man

36:52

just don't do it. Just don't talk to strangers. Don't

36:55

just don't talk to any of them. Yeah. I

36:57

think this is more confusing than nuances of

37:00

like talk to some but not all.

37:02

Just the person that keeps your secret. Just be like no

37:04

dude don't look at them. Also

37:07

like sometimes keep being a secret

37:10

is part of being a cool person. Absolutely.

37:13

You should be able to keep secrets.

37:16

You're

37:16

just going to give all your info away. That's

37:19

so true. I proposed earlier discussion

37:21

of numbers and stuff.

37:23

Now you're just a narc. Yeah. You're

37:25

just trying to bring your kid to

37:27

get his ass beat. No friends.

37:32

Keep a secret bro. Yeah.

37:34

And this is also going to scare them for like

37:36

sex later to touch. Like

37:39

most of the touches are unwanted. And most

37:40

of them are uncomfortable. You got

37:42

to fight through that to find a husband.

37:45

Right.

37:46

You know. You're talking about this all of adolescence

37:48

the first time you do anything you're like

37:50

this feels weird. Yeah. And

37:52

you just push through. Yeah. Right.

37:56

Most of the time you dry hump a dude. You're like

37:58

what is this. Yeah. What is this guy to

38:00

me heavy petting oh

38:02

don't you hate that yeah phrase dry

38:05

humping dry humping heavy

38:07

mm-hmm

38:08

just fucking pew all unwanted

38:11

right yeah even

38:13

Frenching I think it's so funny

38:15

to me I prefer to American French

38:20

and then we French or fingered

38:22

sounds awful too nope

38:25

nope

38:28

all

38:30

unwanted and now I'm bringing it's bringing me back

38:32

to bad memories all right let's show

38:36

my dear friend the mom

38:38

one of spicy behavior it's

38:41

not your child's behavior that's the

38:43

problem it's your belief about

38:45

what their behavior means what

38:48

it says about you is a deposit for a second

38:51

there's this trend which

38:53

I've noticed on TikTok is that you have to

38:55

be doing an obscure activity while

38:57

telling people facts now either

39:00

you're putting on your makeup which I tried doing one

39:02

of these videos actually quite difficult to do your makeup

39:04

well and convey information and then

39:07

the swingers they love to talk with their

39:09

hands so this asshole's like oh no no no

39:11

swinger and then I took the pineapple

39:13

club and now this broad is making an omelet

39:16

there's a there's a whole tik-tok thing

39:18

where girls will put on makeup to

39:20

your stand-up joke all

39:22

right right and that will go even

39:24

more viral than your job you

39:27

have this bitch imperfect makeup telling

39:29

your OJ Simpson joke and

39:32

she's getting booked at all the big clubs now hater

39:36

hater but

39:36

what is skill set that

39:39

this woman can talk about like child therapy

39:41

and make a cake so she's telling

39:44

you again I could do like I let's let's

39:46

let's

39:46

keep going sorry good mother wouldn't have a child

39:48

who acts this way that's true a good child

39:51

would listen to you the angle something

39:53

angle you change

39:54

your internal narrative all

39:57

of this space

39:58

opens up

39:59

Try the fucking omelet. This

40:02

is amazing.

40:03

Join me and mom's a spicy one.

40:09

Let's do the work together.

40:12

She's eating the omelet. What's a spicy woman?

40:16

I think it's a spicy one. But

40:18

the subtitling is doing it wrong. So

40:20

she's like, hey look, if your kid's an asshole,

40:22

it's not

40:23

because you're an asshole. And that's the

40:26

fear of when your kid acts out, especially in public,

40:28

can be very embarrassing.

40:30

Like we just said, I

40:32

broke the dish and my dad in public

40:34

and my dad was embarrassed because it's a

40:36

reflection on him.

40:37

But that's also kind of narcissistic, which

40:39

my dad is a huge piece of shit, self-centered

40:42

toddler, emotional narcissistic. So

40:44

she's saying that's the fear

40:47

the parent has is that this kid's doing

40:49

this because of me. I

40:52

am this

40:52

way, therefore the kid is that

40:53

way. And it's not always the case. Sometimes

40:56

it could be true, not usually. Whenever I'm an asshole, I just

40:58

blame my parents for sure. It's

41:01

their fault I'm this way. Me

41:04

too. I've spent a lot of time

41:06

doing that. I think it works. Why assume

41:08

responsibility for any of this shit? Take none.

41:11

We've learned so much in this episode. Rachel

41:13

Wolfson, we've learned that men

41:15

are indifferent to your body count,

41:17

mostly because of the terror

41:19

of knowing the truth. Not

41:21

what we said. Neither of us said that. What did you

41:23

say? So we don't want to know. Just

41:26

that we don't want to ask. But why? Because

41:28

we're not indifferent. Because of

41:30

the terror of knowing the truth. Just

41:33

because there's no number that's going to be

41:35

a good number. So you might as

41:37

well just not ask the question. Don't ask. Don't ask.

41:40

Don't tell. Yeah, I don't know. I

41:43

feel the same when a girl asks me for

41:45

my last X or whatever. You don't want to say, I know you

41:48

don't. You're going to compare. And

41:51

if there's anything that's better than you, you're

41:53

going to freak it. You don't want to know. You just

41:55

don't want to know.

41:55

Can I tell you what I'm so looking forward to?

41:57

Is the comments. that

42:00

are gonna be under this clip when they

42:02

cut the promo about the

42:04

body count. Bitches

42:06

are gonna be mad, dudes are gonna be mad. Bring

42:08

it on. Ooh, it's gonna be a spicy

42:10

meatball. Rachel

42:12

Wolfson, you can see at the New York Comedy Festival,

42:15

November 5th and November 17th at the Agua

42:17

Caliente in Palm Springs.

42:20

Thank you so much for joining. I'm so pumped you're

42:22

here in Austin and I can't wait to do

42:25

more of these with you now at the local. We're

42:27

around. Yeah. I'm gonna be a

42:29

personality. Oh, I love you. I love you too.

42:32

I love you too. I love you too. All right, I

42:34

love you. Subscribe to this show.

42:51

Here

43:08

at Ford, we don't know any first responders

43:10

who only give 90% or farmers, workers who

43:15

build our towns, roads, infrastructure.

43:18

They don't stop it. Halfway. Good

43:20

luck finding a small business owner who's

43:23

happy with an 80% effort. That's

43:25

why they use Ford trucks. Ford

43:27

F Series, 100% assembled

43:30

in America because we're all in

43:32

America. Built

43:34

for a full.

43:38

Time for a quick break to talk about McDonald's.

43:41

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43:43

For just $3, mix and match two

43:45

of your favorite breakfast items including a sausage

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McMuffin, sausage biscuit, sausage burrito

43:50

and hash browns. Make it even better with

43:52

a delicious medium iced coffee. With

43:54

McDonald's mix and match, you can't go wrong.

43:57

Mix and participation may vary. Cannot be combined

43:59

with any other.

43:59

offer a combo meal. Single item

44:02

at regular price.